General Hospital week ending March 28, 2003

I thought this week was kinda...okay.

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Rick Hearst continues to compel and intruige me. The hate and contempt he plays underneath his obsequiousness. Loved him on Thursday, reveling in Jason and Sonny's public lover's quarrell and then when a worried Liz says that someone has to do something and he remembers to pretend to agree, LOL. He's good. You know who else? Leslie Charleson! It was nice to have cranky, conflicted, superior Monica back center stage And unlike Jackie Z last week, she didn't make me regret calling for more scenes with the vets. Can't wait to see more with the return of Emily next week

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Nancy Grahn was great on Friday with Sonny--her desperation, and then her despair when she finds him in no condition to help her or even be civil to her. Unlike ALW, NLG does how to react when someone is berating you--she was scared, sorrowful, worried--and disappointed in someone she used to consider a friend.

And Wow, Maurice Benard! His scenes with NLG and then after with Tamara were amazing, and reminded me why I used to be a fan of this guy! It's hard to praise him when he's good because so much of his bad acting comes from laziness and not caring--he CARED about his scenes on Thursday and Friday and deigned to show up and it only infuriates me that he chooses to subject us to his sucking most other days. His fear ("I'm falling. I can feel it.") his exhaustion and despair, they all resonated with me. I even loved his indignation at smart-lawyer Alexis faking mental illness to get what she needs when he has to live with the reality of it every day (I've always loved the class-conflict in their scenes). Can they please just call it Manic Depression and go there already? If he's gonna dominate my screen ANYWAY, why not in a story he'll actually show up for? Just a thought.

Cynthia Preston was fabulous against the dreadful ALW at Kelly's on Thursday. As wretched as her material has been she continues to rise above and shine.

Robyn Richards was also fantastic on Friday! Maxie's determination to be a grown-up, to be popular, her nervousness and then strength to stop Kyle from going through with their sexual encounter, and then her shame when she realizes her reputation is ruined anyway along with her friendship with Lucas. And then her very real crying jag as she lashed out at Georgie. Thank goodness they brought RR back and got rid of that Barbie girl. All the kids were FINALLY given something to do and they were good but Maxie was the one who knocked it out of the park.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

ALicia Leigh Willis. Her sense of entitlement is just palpable to me. The way she played the post-shooting scenes with no fear, no vulnerability. When the RH's wonder why she's waitressing (and WTF, neither calling her on how unfair it is for her to expose THEM or her precious customers to a bullet meant for her) and she smirks, "See that bodyguard? He's MINE." Then when Faith was threatening her and ALW AGAIN couldn't play even the slightest amount of terror or concern instead choosing to guffaw every line, "Uh...I'm part of the Frons Fab Four? We like, own this show--I'm sorry, are you even on contract?" Then she goes to hit Faith or whatever and flubs her line in the process--talking AND moving is HARD! Can she PLEASE believe her own press and leave GH behind with a bridge-burning "Soap Opera is such a wonderful training ground for us, like, future superstars" SOD cover story? Please? And take headache boy with her?

HM to Wally Kurth on Tuesday, his silent film of the 1920's "I shall save you!" entrance into the burning gatehouse, and then later when he woke up in the hospital, his lazy, not-even-close-to-frantic "Kristina? Kristina?" The emotions required of the scene were just so obviously beyond him.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

The Sonny/Alexis scene on Friday. How desperate did ALexis HAVE to be to go to Sonny? Only to find him at his absolute bellowing, wallowing worst? She takes in his abuse, humiliates herself by asking for his help anyway, then breaks down once she's left, at the mess she's still sinking further and further into. Fantastic scene.

HM to Lucky and Liz talking about their past: she was completly snark-free as she recalled her at-first unrequited crush on him, and how he talked a reluctant Ruby into hiring her. Both actors were great and it was a nice, warm look back at the show's history...did someone lock Jill Phelps in a broom closet?

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Sonny may as well have been wearing a diaper on Tuesday when Carly was trying to get him to eat, "Okay, I'm gawna eat this food and woo are gawna match me bite for bite, okay? Who's the big boy? Who's momma's big boy?" Carly IS Bobbie's daughter, that's for sure.

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

That when Sonny dreamed about Carly being pushed down the stairs we didn't pan up from Carly's prone figure to a cackling-with-evil-glee AJ.

Courtney admitting to Carly that her lying to AJ about stripping wound up hurting a lot of people. Of course Carly gave her a free pass, but it was still a surprise to hear her say it. Same thing when Carly said, "I sure hope Leticia is ready for a new baby!"

I can't like Courtney and Carly at the same time, but seperately there were times when I enjoyed one of them at a time. I liked Courtney on Tuesday when she was trying to get Jason to wake up and smell the co-dependency, "How can you and Carly put up with Sonny's crazy-ass abuse?" And later, I loved when Courtney burst in, "GOD! Sonny is SUCH a jerk! He's SO mean to us--" "Okay, you know what? I'm sick of hearing this, Sonny's my husband and even when I don't agree with him, I still love and support him and I can't listen to this shit anymore!" "God, someone shot at me, okay? It was like, scary." "Okay, you know what? I;m glad your'e okay but it's not like this isn't EXACTLY what everyone told you would happen if you insisted on dating a mobster!"

I was stunned to find the role of the crooked fire inspector being played by a white guy--it was my understanding that ALL under-five roles would be used to artificially pad the racial diversity of the canvas.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

Since when does Sonny really NEED to be a father--he seems to be a lot happier and in control when no one is pregnant with his child...oh wait, that's never, nevermind.

Carly telling Courtney how hard her miscarraige was on Sonny, how hard Lily's death was on Sonny, how difficult Sept. 11th was for Sonny--ENOUGH already

Faith's practically raping Ned on the docks--He REALLY couldn't get away from her if he wanted to? Really?

Tamara *almost* remembering her lines on Monday: "I didn't tell him. I let it slip. I cut him a chance and I didn't do it." Uh...huh. In the same scene she told Courtney that Sonny is "a big believer in lies of omission." Meaning...he thinks they ARE lies or he thinks they're nifty?

Ric: "You've got a deal." Sonny: "Is that a yes?!" Uh, that's what "You've got a deal," traditionally means, yes.

Why is the District Attorney walking around town arresting people, ticketing people and issuing restraining orders? Isn't that Mac's job? You know, Mac?

Monica not ejecting the press from the ER when they were filming Ned and Alexis.

AJ, of all people, taking part in a scheme to take a baby away from its biological parents

AJ can't be around Michael because he's a drunk but Sonny's a drunk but it's okay for him to be around Michael because he drinks because he's crazy--which is why Alexis can't be around HER kid!?

The whole "Borg no like music" bit. Why the hell not? Why can't they make him FREAKING HUMAN every once in a while? Oh, but he does have an MBA-worthy grasp of Sonny's business, gag me.

Sonny sniping at Liz for saying the exact same thing to him at the hospital that he JUST got done telling Courtney at Kelly's. Whatever, dude.

Sonny to Jason, "If you keep coming after me, I'm gonna have to consider you a threat--and you know what that means!" Yeah...a bunch of empty threats (Faith is watching this whole thing, LOL, even though she was barred from the club and threatened with death from Sonny a few days ago). Hey I know! Sonny calls out a hit on Jason and the ever loyal lap dog offs himself!

Courtney telling off Ric, "God! Jason and I can come to this club whenever we want because we're FAMILY--something YOU obvioulsy don't know anything about, guy who's obviously related to me or Jason since I just said that!"

So...a flaming solid oak beam falls on Ned and he walks out of the hospital without so much as a sprained shoulder? Is that a magic jacket?

Let me get this straight...Faith takes a shot at Courtney. At Jason's girl and Sonny's sister and they both agree NOT to KILL HER because they're more concerned with finding out who the "silent partner" is? How wimpy is that? How can any of the real mobsters respect this? And why WOULD Jason assume there WAS a silent partner with an agenda beyond Faith's? Oh right, the god-like powers.

Jason not standing up for his girl when Sonny was blaming HER for any potential injury that might come to Carly's unborn child because of SONNY'S chosen career. Anyone who thinks Jason's REALLY putting Courtney before Sonny is kidding themselves.

Jason's saying that Sonny's disgusting scene with Faith at the meeting of the five families DID NOT go over well them and demonstrated a lack of control...uh, could we have played any of that when it happened so I wouldn't have felt so dirty?

Sonny's whole, "Damn it, I'm hiring you because you and Alexis and Dara are the only lawyers I know and they both hate me," bit. This would be a much better story if Sonny DID start to trust Ric--his established slide into "the thing that's starting again that we can't call Manic Depression" causing him to make poor decisions, including falling under Ric's sway a little. Instead, Maurice reminds us every time they have a scene together that he loathes and distrusts Ric--and undercuts his character's credibility and integrity by confiding and relying on him DESPITE the fact he hates him. It's stupid.

Courtney lovingly folding Jason's laundry--I'll bet Korte wrote that scene herself--"Jason doesn't appear in this episode? How is that even possible? I thought I made sure...lemme just give Courtney a totem of Jason's to hold and admire, so the audience doesn't go a single day without thinking about him." Gag me with a giant key wall-hanging. And why is Courtney doing the laundry anyway? He's the one that doesn't have a job...

Courtney suggesting that if she went to college she'd have to ask Jason to be quiet while she studied? Has she met Jason? Followed up by her claiming, "I like to pay my own way," when he offered her money (because he's too noble to spend all that blood money, folks and don't you forget it). Yeah, and just HOW much of the rent are you paying on that loft, you dumb ho?

In what universe is Courtney BRAVE rather than STUPID to not break-up with a guy when he gets her shot at? that's right, GUZAWORLD. I guess we're supposed to think she's braver than that evil bitch Robin who did walk away when the SAME EXACT THING happened to her and Jason. SAME EXACT.

Why was Liz so happy to see Alexis at Kelly's? Do they even know each other that well? And shouldn't EVERYONE but Cameron be a little afraid of her? And why would Ned tell Alexis all about the Quartermaine's evil plotting--for all HE knows, he's gonna trigger her alter. Remember? Most people dont know she's faking?

Maurice on Friday, "Don't tell me what I can't and CANNOT do!" So...there's a difference now?

Sex kitten Liz purring, "Who are you Ric Lansing? This man who I'm JUST getting to know and JUST starting to care about and of course, already sleeping with!" I just feel like we've skipped a bunch of steps with these two.

Sonny calling Kristina, "The daughter you kept trying to insist was mine!" She never even TOLD him! Carly told him! Alexis NEVER told Sonny the baby was his!! AGH!

Aren't they laying on Cameron's disdain of Zander a little thick: "So, you ran into a burning building to save another human being? I suppose SOME people would call that heroic." You mean like, ANYONE? And can Ned say thank you at some point?

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Scott to Edward: "That was appalling--and I don't apall easily."

Jax to Sonny: "Aren't you getting a little tired of the immature "candy boy" routine?"

Georgie: "Excuse me--Oh Maxie, it's you. I thought it was a local ho." I was kinda hoping Summer would turn the corner on cue, ala Squiggy on "Laverne and Shirley."

Skye to Edward: "Really Grandfather, all the times you've been bested by women and you still give us so little credit."

Skye to Monica: "I was so flattered you invited me I didn't even mind you were using me as a weapon."

Alan: "Here comes the blackmail..."

Liz, mockingly, after Ric expresses surprise at Courtney's showing up to waitress after being shot at: "Oh, but haven't you heard? Courtney's all brave and courageous!"

Sonny to Courtney: "Do you have a LEARNING disability?"

Faith to Courtney: "What are you, like twelve? Nineteen? It doesn't matter. I've been eating little bunnies like you for breakfast since before you realized you had opposable thumbs!" (cut to Courtney whose face reads: "opposable what now?") Then when Faith left and shouted, "Hop hop, little bunny!"

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Tamara "remembering" Sonny's first breadkdown, "I'll never forget it...I was living in this crappy one-bedroom in Van Nuys...Sarah Brown was SO GOOD in those scenes!"

I'm always SO happy to see Robin Christopher these days, and then so disappointed when I write up this review and realize she didn't really do anything

GH shouldn't get a hair-styling nomination next year, not when they keep allowing their leading men's bald spots to show

It was so great to see Reginald and Big Alice! More Q stuff, please!

LOL at AJ playing with the doll!

I thought the casting people did a good job with Maxie's crush, Kyle. He was a good-looking kid with just the right touch of sleezy-jock-lothario charm.

When Sonny was berating Courtney in front of the Kelly's lunch crowd I expected it to turn into one of those "phone camera" commercials: "Yeah, I'm at Kelly's! You know that dumb waitress? No...no, the blonde one. Turns out she's Sonny Corinthos's sister!...I know!...Well that's what he's saying, maybe she's adopted or something! He's having a total meltdown, you have to see this.....See?....yeah, he DOES look like Popeye!"

Becky Herbst was radiant on Tuesday in her scenes with Greg Vaughan--these two have chemistry! And I loved his "Yeah, whatever dude," blow-off when Ric tried to be his ingratiating self.

I hate Sonny's buttoned-up all the way shirts!

I loved me some Action Zander on Tuesday!

When Mo wasn't making eye-contact with Steve when they, sigh, *almost* made up, I expected him to grab his face the way Tams does.

Sonny at the club to Jason, "We're gonna get it on right here! You want me?? Take me down!" Well that answeres THAT!

It's starting to bug me how Cameron calls therapy, "thiripy."

LMAO when Courtney was looking around sadly at Jason's spartan penthouse, "God! No tin signs, no giant dominoes, no giant clocks...how do you live like this?" Jason: "It DOES have bulletproof glass!"

Peace! Christine--looking forward to see if I even raise an eyebrow during Most-likely to Blow Monday...and is Guza ripping HIMSELF off with "Sonny's Choice" or someone else. I can never keep track

Survivor 6.6

Night at Timbuktu, and Christy is shocked that Jeanne is gone--I love how naive contestants can still be on this show, "Why would anyone vote out Jeanne, she's so strong!" She claims, "I'm not mad at Heidi, I just needed to know what was going on." Ah c'mon, be mad at Heidi, it's the feel-good emotion that's sweeping the nation! She calls a meeting to ask "What the flip?" Roger tells her that Jeanne didn't bring anything to the tribe they didn't already have in Butch (huh?) and that they need to move forward as a new tribe. He raves about Christy and Heidi and what they have to offer. This confuses Dave, "I thought we voted out Jeanne because she was strong and she was next to go at Jabber Jaw and we knew I could flex my biceps and easily get Heidi to stab her in the back!" Um, yeah Dave, like Roger's gonna SAY that to Heidi and Christy? Roger insists there's no guarantee of a merger and so they need to bond. Heidi squeals, "I just want you guys to know that I voted out Jeanne because you don't come into a realignment and try to get 3 vs. 3 and force a tie-break and then have dominance, no siree. I did what I did so that we could all look at each other...and not look at Jeanne." In the words of Bugs Bunny, what a muhroon. Heidi always seems like she should be standing on the "Hee Haw" set in overalls and fake freckles on her cheeks, not comprehending that she's the butt of one of Roy Clark's jokes--she's the reason the dumb blonde ones were invented. Christy doesn't let it drop, "It sure felt like 4-1 when you all voted one way and I voted the other, so I'm glad you're keeping me for my strengths, if that's true." If these mofo's keep Heidi instead of Christy I will...totally expect it since it is, after all, Survivor.

The next morning, Heidi's all enthusiastic about the new tribe--because yeah, she really did fall for all that garbage the boys were spewing, and is bitterly disappointed when the men go off to fish, "You girls were gonna see about digging a new latrine, right?" Roger bosses. "I thought we were gonna go do something as a tribe where I'd be able to watch Dave's rippling muscles! It's almost like...they're still a tribe and we're the enemy," she marvels to the CBS cameraman who must be cute the way she keeps looking at him and talking to him/us even though Christy is standing right in front of her. Freaking talk to Christy, she's RIGHT THERE! As Heidi continues to lose her minimal body fat, the skin around her breast implants continues to pucker in a most unattractive way, so there.

At Jabber Jaw, the mood is light. Sir Matt can't say enough good things about his new tribe and situation. First he goes off on how great it is to brush his teeth after 16 days, "Heavens, this toothpaste id simply divine! Why, if I may be so bold, I dare say I may venture to eat a smidge of it." Rob grimaces with disgust. Then Rob brushes HIS teeth and invites any interested parties to come make out with him and it is MY turn to grimace with disgust--naturally there's no takers, creep! Sir Matt feels he has a new lease on life, so I guess all my talk last week about how unified the guys were was total crap. Matt and Rob were on the chopping block and are glad to be in a new situation with new possibilities and don't want to be an all-guy tribe at the end. I thought that would be the case earlier on, but I guess I believed Dave when he said he was being strategic in sending Alex, Matt and Rob away. Now it turns out Dave kept Roger and Butch because they are his alliance and he wants to be in the position to protect them and himself. Might come back to bite him, as Rob and Matt make new friends.

Deena likes the boys, despite her fears of becoming the easy target for dismissal: "I'm the oldest, and I don't have anything in common with these people. I'm intelligent, for example, I have direction and a sense of purpose to my life...and I don't have fake boobs. I thought I'd be threatened by the guys but I adore them and find them fascinating." Especially when they're dishing the dirt on their old tribe. Matt tells her, "My former chums were all so tactical about what they chose to divulge and what they didn't--there was so much deceit and gamesmanship--you all are so open!" Deena flashes that smug little smile of hers, "That's because boys are different than girls," she boasts. The deceived and out-maneuvered Joanna and Jeanne might have something to say about that, and I'll bet she wasn't so high on her own gender when she watched the show with her family and saw Heidi babble on about how resentful the older gals like Deena were of her cute body, or listened to Jenna be so open and free with Dave when she gave him the "How to dismantle the Girls Tribe in One Easy Step Handbook" within minutes of meeting him. Elsewhere, Shawna and Alex are lazing about and rhapsodizing about meeting one another while Shawna gives him a scalp massage. Jenna looks on with envy and attempts a joke, "Like, I feel like you guys are like, the couple at the Drive-In Movie and I'm like, the unwanted tag-a-long friend, huh huh." Um, that's because you ARE. How humiliating for her to be sitting there to just bask in some osmosis nookie instead of trying to develop some sort of friendship, good will, alliance with Matt or Rob. Have you ever seen a porn star or a B-movie twinkie interviewed on like, E! or something? Where they're sort of worldly and they try to come off sophisticated but they misuse words and just display a fundamental lack of understanding about how they're degrading themselves all the time? That's Jenna to me, right down to the vacant eyes, bored monotone voice and not-quite-right dumb girl laugh.

Alex and Shawna are just so thrilled to have found one another in this crazy, wacky messed-up Reality Show world. My crush on Alex is officially over, he's just so lame. Shawna declares, "We really like to take care of one another (bear in mind they've known each other for like, a day) and he's seen me at my worst already and that's like, really revealing and profound, y'know?" Uh, what *I* know is that since Alex was not around for your total crybaby meltdown he most certainly has NOT seen you at your worst. But you know who has? 30 million Americans. Because YOU WERE ON TELEVISION, dummy. And none of them are ever gonna wanna date ya, Shawna, none of 'em!

Deena and Rob go to get the tree mail for Reward info, hoping for news of food and disappointed when it sounds like a spice rack.

REWARD LIMERICK

Deena and Rob are fast friends
Well, actually means to an end
I hope it won't last
that one exits fast
Or else my TV I will rend

The new Jabbers take in the fact that Jeanne has departed and Jenna visibly grimaces, perhaps realizing her faux pas with Dave had something to do with it. Heidi glances over at Deena and Jenna with a look of feral guilt. She really is very rat-like and unattractive in my opinion and it just goes to show what some boys will over look when distracted by big ta-ta's, fake or no. Rob was being kind when he said she had slipped down to a 6 on a 10 scale, I'm just saying. The challenge involves standing on a log longer than your opponent and then splashing into muddy water, the reward is a bunch of spices and a bunch of fresh fruit. Deena sits out for the one-up Jabbers, who score an early lead when Matt outlasts Roger (and beats on his chest like Tarzan--Matt is one odd duck) and Heidi does the same with Shawna (not the Tarzan part--might be dangerous as contents in that region are under pressure). Then Timbuktu wins the next three, including Butch beating Rob and Christy beating Jenna! Yeah! The Jabbers win the next two but the winning combo of Butch and then Christy brings the Reward home for Timbuktu:) Both of Christy's wins come against a not-even-deigning-to-try Jenna, who seems eager to avoid falling in the mud despite the fact that that's impossible. Jenna sucks!

Back at Jabber Jaw, Alex gives the "pshaw, Reward ain't no thing" speech that losers always give on Survivor. True, Immunity IS everything, but winning reward often means getting food which leads to physical and mental strength. The Jabbers decide to take a communal bath. Deena's kind of grossed out by what she calls the "monkey grooming" of the others as they lather one another up and comb each others hair. All three guys take turns scrubbing Shawna who doesn't mind one bit because she's a bath slut. Rob and Alex are both wearing very revealing Speedo likesuits, bleh. Afterwards, Rob does his Sandleresque whisper voice that puts ice in my veins and gloats, "I just want to say for the record that I just took a bath with a swimsuit model." Rob is like a refugee from "Porky's" or any of several thousand similar 80's movies about teenage boys obsessing over seeing boobies and getting laid. I was under the impression that neither goal is all that difficult in our modern world (especially the first one, jeez, get cable).

The Timbuktutians return to camp to find their fruit awaiting them. By the way, anyone else surprised that they haven't shown any of the girls gushing about the guy's awesome shelter, or the boys bitching about how much the girl's one lags? Anyway, Roger counts all the fruit and makes sure that everyone knows that HE knows how many limes they have. Christy is exalting in being able to defeat her nemesis, the bitchy Jenna who never bothered to try to talk to her because, "she's like, deaf?" Heidi pats her on the back as if she supports her--probably looking for a soft spot to stick something sharp. Heidi gushes about how super it is that they are a new tribe free of old alliances and Dave flinches--Heidi in their final four my butt. Butch calls Christy's victory one of the defining moments he's seen in sports and he's been coaching 30 years. He praises Christy for her spirit and states, "you don't have a disability." Christy is moved. Butch is the bomb.

A crocodile takes a long hungry look at an otter, who swims off swiftly--no doubt he's headed to a jug band jamboree of some sort. Deena and Rob cement a sort of alliance. It's evil but it's smart, dang it. Rob is ready to cast off former-ally Alex, who has become lost in Shawna's eyes. Deena insists that she has Heidi and Jenna's votes whenever she needs them. When Rob expresses some remorse about getting rid of pals Shawna and Alex, Deena replies with a cold shrug and a tight smile, "They're friends you've known for 16 days!" I contemplate a final four of Deena, Rob, Heidi and Jenna and consider flipping over to war coverage. Rob tells Deena it was always his plan to turn on the guys once the guy/girl thing was over, which sounds like the truth. Deena is surprised to learn of Rob's disdain for Sir Matt, and Rob acknowledges that he needs to suck it up and keep Matt around, "He catches a lot of fish and we need his vote." The first time I heard this I swear I thought he said "boat," and I was like, "No way, Matt brought his own BOAT!?" I probably shouldn't have admitted that. I hate to say it, but Rob might be playing a smart game :(

Rob goes fishing with Matt and runs a scenario by him: They merge and the two of them go back to Dave, Roger and Butch and claim that they were loyal to the guys and that they're ready to vote out a girl but instead they'll vote out Roger or Dave. It's interesting that they don't say Butch, he's certainly a threat to anyone else in a final vote and he's stronger than they're giving him credit for--which is fine by me. Fly under that radar, Butch! Sir Matt likes the plan, "I was verily gratified by Robert's overture of comradeship which I found to be quite genuine." Of course Rob can barely stand to be near him and complains, "Matt is an idiot, he has no concept of what's going on around him--including the fact that I'm playing him for a sucker." Matt tries to bond with Rob, "I must admit I do enjoy the company of the fair Shawna--not that I have come all this way in order to "scope for affection" as you might say, old boy." Rob refrains from beating him to death with a piranha, "As soon as that drip stops catching fish or doing as we say, he's out!" I'm sure that's what Stoopid Sue and Rudy said about Richard Hatch...

THE LAVISH ATTENTION ON SHAWNA GAME

For some reason, the Jabbers play a version of the Dating Game where each of the men comes up with "Their perfect date with Shawna." It makes total sense to her, "What's more fun than talking about me?" Shawna so should have been on "The Real World," it's more her speed. She's not crafty like Heidi and Jenna, and she honestly can't see past herself. Alex comes up with "picking you up late morning, we go climbing, have a picnic lunch...and top it off with E.L. Fudge cookies!" He was a little too into the cookies, imho. Sir Matt describes renting a chauffer-driven limo and driving to...er...a hill with an unparalleled view. He also oddly insists on her being "well-rested." Are we sure he hasn't killed anyone? He tells us that he was at a disadvantage because he's from D.C. and "there's just not as much to do as opposed to Los Angeles or New York." All we need to know about Matt is that he lacks the imagination to set his outing in another city in a PRETEND date. And did ANYONE assume Alex's date was necessarily set in LA? Could've been anywhere. Not true of Rob's date, "It's Christmas time in New York, and we take in a Wednesday matinee on Broadway. Then we go ice-skating in Rockefeller Center." That's it folks but the girls all go nuts, "That was like, the most amazing make-believe date I've ever been on!" Shawna squeals. What amazed me was that he didn't try to squeeze anymore New York clichés in there like bagels and the Sunday New York Times, or taking a carriage ride through Central Park, looking at the window displays on 5th Avenue, blah blah blah. Anyone's who ever been to the movies EVER or just watched television could have come up with that date, New Yorker or no. Shawna thrills, "I need the presence of guys fawning over me and they've totally saved me from they boring all-girl thing." The next morning, as Alex and Shawna cuddle, Matt comes into the shelter, lies down next to them and uses Shawna's head as pillow. Neither objects, although Alex is peeved. Shawna isn't because she's a whore. Deena wants her lazy-ass out of there--gee, ya think? It made EVEN more sense 6 days ago.

Immunity Limerick

Rip at the beef like piranhas
If you don't want to end up as goners
tempting to eat
this wonderful meat
We love heaping cruelty upon ya's

Butch and Christy go to fetch the mail and find a giant bone. Butch cracks up Christy when he jokes, "I'd hate to meet the dog this goes to." Oh, Butch you're such a card. The Jabbers sit out Jenna as usual because she sucks. Timbuktu wins, Butch and Christy are safe!

The Jabbers have a revealing team meeting about who's being voted out tonight. Deena opens it up by declaring she doesn't want to go. Shawna agrees but insists to the boys that she be voted out before Jenna and Deena, which was kinda nice but kinda wimpy and self-serving--in other words, kinda Shawna. Alex sticks up for her and praises her for her miraculous turn around from depressed weak-link to vivacious ho. Alex is really disappointing me. Then he tells Matt the guy vote should be split between them and that he'd be voting for Matt tonight. Matt claims he will send a vote at Alex in turn. Jenna frets, "I don't want to vote for Shawna because she's like, pretty like me...but Matt has a really nice body." Shawna claims that Alex is "too important" to her and that she'll be voting for Matt also. Rob despairs to the cameras, "I thought this meeting was gonna go like this: Shawna would say it's okay to vote her out and everyone would be all emotional about doing it--but now, because Alex won't vote for Shawna he's thrown Matt into the mix! Don't get me wrong, I hate Matt the same way I hate just about everybody but I've been spending all this time--excruciating time--getting to know this weirdo and now he might be in danger of leaving! Crap!" To the gang he says, "It sucks that everyone I want to get rid of is on the other tribe." Yeah, sure.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff notes how sad everyone is and Shawna says it's because they all wuv each other so (gag me). Jeff asks Alex if he's become especially close to anyone and Alex raves, "Oh I love Shawna. We're now inseparable and I want her to be my wife and if she says no I'll just stalk her and her family until she either agrees to marry me or jump off the Golden Gate Bridge with me--I'm easy." Deena pretends to like other people and sells the whole "We're the Love Tribe" line that worked so well for Rotu until they realized how hate-filled they were. Rob's eyes almost roll right out of their sockets as Sir Matt says in his most haughty tone, "I relish the role of provider, as eating food is important. And as such, eating twelve fish a day certainly has it's advantages." I think Matt is an alien from another planet, trying to learn our ways. Rob does his, "I'm just a clown, don't feel threatened by me" bit and everyone continues to buy it, "Oh Rob and his silly songs, always trying to make us laugh. Can't vote him out for THAT!" Wake up, people. Shawna insists she's completely rebounded from her dark night of the soul and is ready for the long haul and you just know she's doomed. Jeff's last question is for Deena, "How do fit in with these kids when you're SO DAMN OLD?" She continues to fatten up her prey with phony compliments, and they eat it up greedily, "Deena's so cool--she really *gets* me!" It should be noted that *elderly* Deena is a mere three years older than 32-year-old Alex, for what it's worth.

Matt sweats profusely during the vote ( a flaw in the manufacturing) but Shawna goes down 4-2. The girls are down 6-4 but that doesn't *seem* to matter, since Alex has shown he's willing to vote out a guy and Rob and Matt certainly don't seem interested in being Dave, Roger and Butch's 4th, even if they'd take either of them. This spot is HISTORICALLY the last vote before the merge, but CBS is being very coy about that. This is the point in the game where we lost Joel and it still bugs me that he paid for a comment Gervase made. Michael passed out into the fire in week six, the week Lindsay's croaky voice was finally, mercifully silenced. We also more recently lost Good Gina and Badd Dumbb Robb at this stage. The promos (besides showing the skanky bitches getting even skankier) are hinting about a "big shake-up" as the contents of the secret locked boxes we saw in week one are finally revealed. My guess is we do merge--individual immunity is just more interesting TV and Burnett and co. know it. I think the twist must involve immunity--perhaps the chance to give someone else immunity IN ADDITION TO oneself (INSTEAD OF oneself was a total bust in the Marquesas) or perhaps when you win Immunity you HAVE to give it to someone else, thus revealing your alliances? I dunno, and personally I don't think the game needs that much tweaking. You don't change the rules of baseball every World Series, do ya? Anyway, with alliances in flux I predict Rob, Matt and the girls sans Christy teaming up to oust Roger. We will see! :D

Peace, Christine

General Hospital week ending March 21, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Rick Hearst has been very good. He *seems" sincere with Liz, then he's suitably obsequious with Sonny or with Benny's widow. The scene he had on Wednesday, when he starts out smug and confident with Carly but is soon reduced to desperation and underplayed (thank you!) terror when she vows to tell Sonny what happened between them was terrific. I still don't know what to make of Ric Lansing, but Rick Hearst is damn good.

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Nancy Grahn on Monday, when she had to say goodbye to Kristina. It was a dreadful scene, a mother having her baby stripped away from her in front of a gallery of witnesses (see WTF) but Nancy made me forget everything except her love for that fat little baby.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Maurice was awful on Wednesday, just embarrassingly over the top. The inappropriate grinning, the pointing, the yelling for effect. He came across as a pathetic little man, "Who's...questioning...my AUTHORITY? I want...their names.....on a.....LIST!"

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

When Monica tried to warn AJ not to go along with Edward's plan and he blew her off and called her on choosing Jason over her every day of the week and twice on Sunday

That or when Coltin Scott debuted his new haircut. Seriously, i think that was the best thing to happen on GH all week.

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Sonny degrading Faith in front of the Five Families--he calls her a slut and a whore, he grabs her by the back of the head and intimates that they should all gang-bang her, he kisses her against her will and then spits out her cooties, or whatever, and then he throws her out. Oh and this is SONNY, the "abuse victim" who doesn't tolerate violence against women--just violence around women, I guess. But then, Faith is no woman. She's trying to be like them--she's trying to be a man! So she deserves to be treated like trash! And this REGAINS the respect of the other men in the room?? "Oh, wait, he manhandles women and hurls verbal abuse at them? Oh, never mind! He's totally in control!" What about this display had anything to do with control--except physical, violent control over a woman, which is cowardice? If the scene was about this being a sick business, or about Sonny's losing it, that's one thing. But we are SUPPOSED to want Sonny to win-over the Five Families and, yippie, he does I called the GH comment line over this scene and I've no doubt been added to Guza's enemies list, "Who's...questioning...my writing? I want...their names and phone numbers.....on a.....LIST!" I was really snotty about their not getting an Emmy nomination for best show, too. It wasn't my finest moment

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

The actress who plays Summer isn't GREAT, imo, but I like how she's interpreting what little of a character she's been given. In her scenes with Nikolas, she's much harder than we've ever seen her. I was pleasantly surprised to realize that what I've been seeing all along was her "Summer the Breezy Happy Hooker" bit, and not the "real" Summer, who's world-weary and desperate.

Scott mentioning his kids.

That they wrote something for Mike to say, and Ron Hale actually showed up to do it, especially since he had to listen to ALW say, "Jason and I, like, LOVE each other, oKAY? There's nothing WRONG with that!" for the three-trillionth time this month.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

The judge forbidding Alexis from SEEING Kristina for 6 months? Really?? And then not clearing the courtroom from spectators when Alexis got her few minutes of goodbye? I imagine there being a sign in Guza and Pratt's Clubhouse that says: "Have we Humiliated a Woman Today?"

And wasn't that a typically revolting scene when our headwriters have Cameron explain away all the holes in their lame-ass Alcazar story with Alexis's need for CONTROL. "Sure a smart person wouldn't have confessed and made up an alternate personality but YOU had to be in control, didn't you, you uppity bitch!"

The Sonny and Jason bauw-chicka-bauw-bauw montage--I'm still trying to figure out who wants them to appear so gay: it ain't Burton and Benard, I can't imagine Korte does (unless she see's herself as Sonny)...If Guza's gay he's still deep in the closet with the tax returns and dad's old 70's neckties...the conspiracy theories that Guza and Pratt are deliberately trying to sabotage this show seem more and more likely to me...I am enjoying this though, It's like Limbo Rock--how gay can they go, how gay can they go

Benny's wife saying that Benny thought Jason had more integrity than any other man he'd ever met. True, the guy hangs around with murderers all day but still, this ain't my picture of integrity

Is the Rick/Liz thing a set-up? We know Ric is really a creep so we know to be scared for her? OR is what Ric is willing to do to "someone like" Carly not supposed to have anything to do with his romance with Liz?

Who IS this girl who's calling herself Liz Webber, anyway? I thought she was playing the post-coital Ric scenes WAAAAY to old. Sure, Liz isn't a virgin, but neither is she a worldly Lucy Coe-type, and I kept cringing as she pawed at Rick's fly and talked about how FABULOUS the sex was. And later, her "I gots myself a Harvard man!" talk with Courtney, didn't fly with me either. What REALLY didn't work for me was Liz getting up in Courtney's face, 'Didja go to the funeral, huh, huh, didja?" I like Liz way more than Courtney and I still think Courtney would've been justified in slapping her.

All the scenes where Sonny and Jason are referred to as "best friends." The last time I saw anything beyond a boss/trusted employer scene with these two was back at the end of the McTavish era (and make no mistake, I hated the McTavish era), when they had pizza and beer with Carly and Michael, when Jason first came back? As much as this show is totally focused on the Fearsome Foursome, it hasn't done their character development any good either. Guza hasn't got time for humanity--he's got stuff to blow up!

Sonny confiding in Dead Benny instead of Dead Lily--who's next, Dead Alcazar? Dead Chloe? I'm quite certain TPTB think this is powerful--you know, "Everyone he's close to gets TAKEN AWAY!" But instead it only highlights how badly maintained the living relationships on this show are. Sonny should be talking to Mike or Luke (yeah, okay or even Carly!)--but then again, I guess a styrofoam headstone can't show up Maurice Benard.

Liz on Wednesday to Nik: "Lucky and I are OVER, in fact, let me refer to our beautiful love story as "make-believe" just so Frank South can "cleverly" segue to Maxie, Georgie and Lucas." Kiss my ass, GH.

Why is Courtney still working at Kelly's if she always leaves within 20 minutes? She doesn't need the money--she's Jason's kept woman, a white trash dilittante who dabbles in waitressing to fill the empty hours when he's out killing people.

Courtney's dispensing relationship advice to Carly reminds me of Y&R years ago, when everyone would talk to Cricket, LOL? Does anyone remember that? Kay Sterling, for crying out loud, would be listening to this college student talk about life. What does Courtney know about ANYTHING?? ANd the only relationships she's had are with Carly's sloppy seconds anyway. Pleh, it's gross.

When Carly said that if Sonny found out the baby wasn't his it would rob him of all his joy and hope. What joy and hope, where? When?

Carly saying Sonny's so big an ass, he'd dump her if the baby was Ric's, even though he kissed Brenda and she was so "drunk" she doesn't remember, even if Ric obviously took advantage of her. This story is so repulsive. I'm waitng for the GH announcer to say during the credits: "Was Carly raped and just too dumb to realize it? There's more to the story tomorrow on General Hospital!" Uck.

And Sonny would choose RIC to kill Faith...WHY?

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Faith: "Here's a thought for you, Ned: If I'm as bad as you think I am, you might want to be a little nicer to me." I liked it even better on Buffy the Vampire Slayer last season ;)

Ned to Kristina: "I'm gonna protect you with my last dying breath." Just because, since I'm fairly spoiler-free, I could pretend it was forshadowing Ned's death

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

I loved when Cameron and Alexis held each other after the trial.

Jason in a coffin, *sigh* Hey Sonny, I've had that dream too! Except I didn't scream until I realized it WAS a dream

When Summer's hair is straight, she looks too much like Courtney.

Tamara Braun's literal hand-wringing is becoming very distractiong to me, as is her constantly putting her hand to her throat. Her mannerisms are becoming as annoying to me as Steve Burton's heavy-sighing and all-purpose "I've got a headache" move.

Am I the only one who's bothered by how these people all have four or five leather coats? It's always a leather coat and it's never the same one?

Sorry, but hearing just how much Benny admired Sonny and Jason made me not so sad he was dead.

I like Jax's hair right now, it's darker and it's working for him.

I hate AJ's hair. It's too feathered-80's for me, he needs to go to Scotty's barber. Billy looks good with short hair.

GH shouldn't have this kind of power, but I find myself cringing when ANYONE uses the word "loyalty" ANYWHERE.

Even though I hate the Easy Bake Bitches scenes, I still kinda enjoyed Liz snarking about Courtney behind her back, "I'd be NICE of her to show up early just once to help me fill these salt shakers!" Shut up, Liz, we know Penny does all the work!

Despite the "touching" story of why he was wearing it, Jason looked like a waiter in that tie. And what was up with Carly, Jason and Sonny all wearing shiny black to a FUNERAL anyway? Are they going clubbing after?

The more I look around Courtney and Jason's pad (in my attempts to NOT look at them) the more struck I am by their bizarre apartment. The decor of Courtney and AJ's apartment suited a young, working-class girl with good taste, trying to make the most of what she has. This new place is just too old for her and since we've been told that Jason could sleep in a cardboard box outside Sonny's bedroom and be happy...who bought all those vases? The weird giant clocks over the door? The chess set/pedicure kit? It reminds me of "Wheel of Fortune" in the good old days, when they used to have to spend all their earnings on prizes and once they'd bought the trip to Cancun and the LA-Z-Boy recliner they got down to a couple hundred bucks and they'd have to buy things like ceramic dogs and, well, weird giant key wall-hangings. "Uh...I guess...for $45 I'll take the...those Giant Dominoes?"And finally, not to make light, but...doesn't "Shock and Awe" sound like something Guza would say? I'm just saying...

Peace, Christine

Survivor 6.5

Girls camp, morning. The insufferably smug Deena gloats, "I'm the alpha female--top dog at this point in time." If that's her way of calling herself a total bitch, I completely agree. Jeanne is still reeling from pal Joanna's ouster, "Shawna's dying and begging to be sent home and they vote out the strongest player we have on our team? I don't get it."

Shawna Hostage Crisis: Day One

Survivor prisoner Shawna muses, "It's totally ironic that the people I trusted betrayed me." In point of fact, it's not so much ironic as it is the dictionary definition of betrayal. Because you can't have betrayal without trust. She laments that she's being held against her will and wails, "I'm at the lowest of my low and no one is respecting that I'm falling apart. Deena smiles coldly, "Shawna's problems are mental. As soon as she accepts her situation, and her role in MY plan, which has no flaws and no potential for reversal now that I've gotten rid of my arch nemesis, Joanna, there'll be no stopping me!" A nearby lizard rolls it's eyes as if to say, "Have these people ever watched the show?"

At Boy camp, Alex assures us that the men have this whole Amazon thing down pat--why it's just like playing in their own backyard! Naturally, he promptly injures himself. He and Butch are cutting firewood and a log Alex is trying to chop knocks his machete up towards his face--Mother of Pearl! Not the face! NOT ALEX'S BEAUTIFUL FACE!! *Whew* The dimples are fine, it's a gash in his forehead. The other guys use a Coke to bring down the swelling, tape up his wound and tell him he looks cool with the bandage on and that chicks dig scars, Grrrrrrrr.

At Girl camp, Jeanne calls a meeting to confront the others about a conversation she heard last night, "You all were really loud and I didn't sleep at all because I had this really pointy knife in my back? I heard Deena say "you've got to pull it together and be part of the team," well if you all think that I'm NOT part of the team--" Deena interrupts, "I was talking about HER," she says, pointing at Christy, "Whatshername, deaf girl. We always start talking about Christy when it gets dark and she can't lip-read--you should know that by now." Deena clearly feels that Jeanne has made an idiot of herself, and I wanted to slice the self-satisfied look off her face with a dull machete. Jeanne's not buying Deena's answer. Jenna drawls in a bored tone, "Is something ELSE bothering you Jeanne? I don't see HOW you could feel like you aren't part of the tribe when you do, like, all the hard work." while Heidi chitters beside her like a ferret. Jeanne says she has reason to be paranoid since she had no idea the vote was going to Joanna last night, and Deena shrugs it off, reveling in Jeanne's discomfort and her Mighty Power over the other women, "Jeanne's sweating in her panties. She's thinking, "God help me, what am I gonna do?" To bad for her I'm calling ALL the shots...what's that? Mark who? Mark Burnett? Never heard of him."

Reward Limerick:

Send us your tribe's youngest kid
For a whole night of them you'll be rid
they'll spend some time
a' drinking some wine
And one will be sorry they did

Rob opens the tree mail basket and, in his pathetic attempt to be funny at all times, makes a weak joke about it being Pandora's box. Inside a bottle is a note that tells each tribe to send the youngest person in their tribe to a special location for "wine and laughter." Rob starts to whimper about how unfair it is that HE doesn't get to go have wine and laughter. At first I thought he was kidding, but no, Rob is seething with jealousy over Dave's good fortune and seems to be on the verge of tears. At the girls camp, Jeanne jokingly wonders if it REALLY means the youngest gets to go--maybe it's the youngest at heart! Since no one else has a sense of humor, they jump all over her. Jenna sneers, "I'm like, the youngest, oKAY? And youth should always be rewarded? Give it a rest, I'm going somewhere cool and you're not so NYAH!"

Jenna-Loo

Jenna and Dave arrive at a swinging little Survivor bungalow, where they will spend the night eating fruit and cheese and bread. Jeff tells them it's up to them how they spend the evening--it can be fun, it can be strategic, it can be a little of both. The two change into comfy bathrobes and Dave inquires about Jenna's tribe. Jenna doesn't even bother with the pretence of being coy and proceeds to tell Dave absolutely every last thing about the inner workings of Jabaru: "Heidi and I are like, the closest because we're alike, the prettiest? And next comes Shawna because she's cute too and then sine we needed a fourth person to have like, an undefeatable four-person alliance and there weren't any more cute girls, we picked Deena. Heidi is really strong and she's always upbeat--I'd be so lost if we were to be separated, which THANK GOD isn't gonna ever happen? Shawna's all sick and whiny now--she wanted us to vote for her out but we like, totally made her stay so that Deena could feel like a man. Oh and Jeanne is TOTALLY the next person we want to vote for, her attitude TOTALLY sucks now that she knows we're all, like, against her and everything? I probably shouldn't be telling you all this but...whatever. You've got a nice body an stuff." Dave responds by reciting the official bios of his tribesmen from the CBS web site: name, age, occupation. When he tells Jenna that Roger is 56 she marvels, "Wow, we got rid of OUR old person first thing!" Ever the gentleman, Dave tells Jenna that while the guys like to talk about Heidi's breasts, Jenna has the best ass. This does not offend her. They each take a shower while the other looks on lustfully, then they sleep together in a comfy bed. Jenna reveals, "It was the best kind of reward because we didn't have to like, DO anything? Except be born when we were?" Jenna is one of those contestants who's so shallow they can only recount what you've just seen--she drones on and on about the bungalow and the grapes and the crescent rolls and the pillowcases and she never actually has anything revealing or insightful to say about anything. She DOES inform us, "We pretty much told each other everything. I know that Alex is 33 and Roger is 56. I know that Butch is a vice principal of a junior high school...uhm..yeah. And Dave knows that Heidi and I have a strong alliance within a larger alliance that includes Shawna and Deena and that we don't really Like Christy and Jeanne."

The next morning brings more food and a twist to the game. Jeff arrives with a bag full of chips on which appear the names of all the castaways. He tells Dave and Jenna that they will take turns selecting tribe mates, and to begin by choosing a member of the opposite sex. Dave immediately makes blabbermouth Jenna pay by taking her precious Heidi away from her. She laments to us, "I don't know what I'm gonna do--Heidi is like, my ROCK." A bitter Jenna drafts Alex, "Because, he's like, the cutest guy...oh and he's like got all this stamina, or whatever?"

The new tribes:

Jabaru: Jenna, Deena, Shawna, Alex, Rob & Sir Matt
Tambaqui: Dave, Butch, Roger, Heidi, Christy & Jeanne

New fake names: Jabaru: Jabber Jaw, Tambaqui: Timbuktu

Dave returns to camp and is all business as he explains the new arrangement and how it came to pass. The men all take it well with the noticeable exception of Big Baby Rob who again seems near tears as he whispers, "Dave was all "Oh, I was true to the guys--but you guys have to leave." I don't think Rob realizes that choosing all five guys wasn't an option Dave was afforded. Then he sniffles, 'I don't like the idea of Dave having control over what happens to me in this game--he doesn't have my best interests at heart. He only cares about himself--and *apparently* Butch and Roger, waaaaah." Why SHOULD he have your best interests at heart, lame-ass. The men all vow loyalty to one another. The fractious girls make no such gesture. Christy suggests a group hug and is ignored. The Panty Princesses cry over their enforced separation while Jeanne is practically doing cartwheels she's so stoked. They are all touched by their warm reception by the gentlemen of New Timbuktu who in turn are floored to learn that Christy is deaf. They're also impressed since they had no idea. At New Jabber Jaw, Rob predictablely shouts, 'Honey, we're home!" The Shawna Hostage Crisis ends on Day 2 as she is liberated from her deep depression by Alex's deep dimples. She springs from her deathbed and begins to giggle and flirt earnestly with the three men as Jenna and Deena stand nearby with tight smiles painted across their faces. Rob leers, "If Shawna and Jenna want to walk around naked I promise not to vote for either of them until the merge." Is Rob trying to convince us he isn't gay or that he isn't a virgin?

Night at Timbuktu. Christy is touched by how considerate the men are as they make an effort to adjust the lantern and move nearer to the fire so that she can take part in after-dark conversation. Christy raves, "It's so amazing to be on a tribe that doesn't suck!" as Jeanne and Heidi glare. Christy is too involved in reading the lips of people who actually choose to communicate with her to notice or care. The next morning at Jabber Jaw Alex tells Shawna that she polled the highest amongst the boys as "hottest chick" and she's stoked. She's really digging Alex, who's good looks, easy-going charm and dry wit all factor in to her "type," plus they're both from the Bay Area (San Francisco, that is). Deena moans, "I don't get it! My plans were so well-laid--best-laid, you might even say. Shawna might not be into the whole chick thing anymore, she might be into the whole Alex thing now." Gee, I can think of someone who'd be into the chick thing. A strong competitor who would stay true to the girls no matter what...but you voted her out, sucker, and now you have to...well, sweat in your panties, I suppose. The girls have made the same costly mistake the men made in the beginning of the game: thinking about gender issues and not tribe issues. The guys have vowed to vote out the members of the other tribe, the women parted on bad terms. In both competitions with a switch (Africa and Marquesas), the more unified tribe (Boron, Rotu) was able to go into the warring tribe (Samboohoo, Maraamu) and divide and conquer. Not necessarily a death sentence for all the girls, as Vecepia still managed to win and she was from Maraamu, but still something to think about.

Immunity Limerick

A race of both brawn and of brain
your tribes are no longer the same
If you are the fastest
you won't be the lastest
and you will remain in the game

Roger is pleased with the girls Dave chose to be on Timbuktu: "I feel very confident we're gonna win today," he says. Which means they're gonna lose. Jeff asks how everyone feels about the switch and everyone pretends it's the neatest thing ever. The challenge starts with finding five animal names in a giant word-search game. They have to memorize those animals, then paddle through a course and pick up flags that correspond to those animals, then race to shore and put the flags in some boxes. Thanks to a word some thought was Mosquito but wasn't, Timbuktu gets hung up on the word search and though they try valiantly to make it up on the boat part, Jabber Jaw wins.

At Timbuktu, the girls go out on the boat to discuss who they're gonna vote out. The logical thing to do, they know is all vote for one of the guys to force a tie. Jeanne wants to oust Dave, the youngest and strongest player--a smart move if you're thinking of them as the enemy--but Heidi puts on the kibosh, "Of all the guys, Dave's the last one I want to vote off--he's young and he has a great body...oh, and I mean he picked us to be on his team. He saw something in us and we should, like, honor that?" Jeanne rolls her eyes, "Fine, but if anyone ever asks, we say it was a draw between all three guys." Heidi rolls her eyes at Jeanne's instinct to protect the feelings of others. Or at the fact that Jeanne doesn't realize this entire conversation is going to be on television, I'm not sure. They draw sticks and Butch becomes their target.

What Dave Saw in Heidi

Namely, an ambitious and easily-manipulated twit! Dave pulls Heidi aside and "confides" in her that He, Roger and Butch want her to be with them in the Final Four with them. How he keeps from laughing is beyond me, but she falls for it hook, line and sinker. He tells her to join them in voting out Jeanne (thanks to Jenna, he knows this isn't an abhorrent concept for her) and she wonders, "Well...what would you do if you were in my situation?" "Oh I would Definitely go with us," he assures her--like, what the hell else would he say, Einstein. Heidi, practically shaking with excitement tries to make us believe that she's conflicted and hates the pressure of being the key to tonight's vote--whatever!

Tribal Council

Poor doomed Jeanne raves about how great it is to become members of the new tribe and how nice the guys are. Christy also compares the guys favorably to her old tribe. Heidi, completely NOT understanding the value of discretion in this game, laments being separated from her BFF, Jenna. When Jeff asks about tonight's vote, Christy replies honestly that there hasn't been time to make new alliances, so she assumes everyone is sticking with the old, meaning boy vs.. girl. Jeff nods his head, "Yes, the only sensible thing for any of you to do, Heidi, is try to force the tie, Heidi." She giggles, "Wow. there are so many things going through my head at once--that's never happened to me before...it kinda hurts!" "PICK ONE," Jeff says curtly, clearly irritated with her, "Well, there's the guy girl thing, but this is a new team and...it's killing me. The camera pans over the rest of the tribe, revealing Roger's amusement, Butch's irritation, Dave's contempt, Jeanne's dread and Christy's anger. Consensus: Heidi sucks. She votes against Jeanne--and herself, and her buddy Jenna etc. and Jeanne is out 4-2. To add insult to injury, Heidi spells he name "Gene." Christy doesn't seem altogether stunned at the revelation of Heidi's true colors. What's truly stupid about Heidi's move is--if the guys REALLY want to ally with her, they're hardly gonna hold it against her to at least TRY for the tie. If you lose fair and square on the tie-break, fine, but why be a quisling?

Jeanne is out in the 12 spot, joining the un-allied Dirk, stinky vegetarian Kimmi, tactical-genius Silas (ah, happy ouster memories), naive nouveau hippie Gabe and cranky and sickly Stephanie. Tonight, if Timbuktu loses again, I think Heidi will be eliminated. Christy is a much better ally for the men because they know she's estranged from Deena and the Princesses. If Jabber Jaw loses, I think we WILL see a tie, with the girls targeting annoying Rob and the boys targeting...Jenna, I think, because they know all about her close ties to Heidi. We will see!

Peace, Christine :)

General Hospital week ending March 14, 2003

I missed Friday and am actually bummed--I should have put that in "surprise of the week." I really wanted to see Alexis go after Scott in the Courtroom. And how come I live in freaking Los Angeles and we don't have SoapNet?? No fair! Lucky for me I have a sister to fill me in on what I missed.

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Nancy has been knocking it out of the park all week. I'm really enjoying her interaction with Lane Davies--and this is all new to me, folks, I never watched Santa Barbara. I love how they're both able to multi-task in scenes, and while they talk to one another, they both have this sense of intriuge in their eyes. Nancy's asking about his plans and underneath she's playing, "Why is this guy helping me?" And he's telling her everything will be okay and he's playing, "Why the hell am I helping this woman?" It took me a while, but I'm in! I'm on board with Cameron and Alexis--and that's what I'm calling them, they're too dignified to give them a "merged name"!

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Rick Hearst on Wednesday just completly woke me up. I've started a new job, I'm sleepy, GH sucks ....and then the scene where he's taking out his IV's and ranting about how Sonny will never be grateful to him, will never trust him. He was a man possessed, he's been so in control and here he is a little unhinged, saying things in front of Carly that he probably shouldn't say. I literally sat up and took notice We have ourselves a compelling villain here, I think.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Alicia Leigh Willis on Tuesday, when Scott was questioning her. This is the District Attorney, a man with the power to make life pretty miserable for her boyfriend and her brother and he's trying to get to bottom of a shooting meant for her brother and best-friend/sister-in law, and ALL ALW does is her petulant high-talking Valley girl bit, "God, I didn't notice, oKAY? This is like, SO boring!" Can't she be concerned? And since the script is calling for Jason to leap to her defense, can't she be a little intimidated?? Does GH even have directors and booth producers anymore?? Or are they as bored and apathetic as we are?

HM to Steve Burton when he threw his gloves down *really hard* to show how mad he was at Sonny. It was so junior high school I expected to see Georgie and Maxie standing in the doorway to say, "ooooooooh."

HM to Maurice for pulling out the old "first I'll whisper then I'll SHOUT FOR EFFECT!"

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

Scott taunting ALexis about not getting a postponement was just really funny. I hope they give Kin more to do--like Skye? Please?

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Ned kissing Faith while choking her as she stands before him, allegedly naked. HOW on earth did this get passed the censors--do they have those anymore??

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

I kinda liked Sonny on Thursday. Even though I know his breakdown is a total Jason-pimp, I like paranoid crazy Sonny, and he wasn't pausing.

That the CFF's are blaming Maurcie instead of Carolyn Hinsey for Tamara's Emmy "snub."

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

If I can steal a line Homer Simpson said last Sunday and apply it to GH: "It makes you laugh AND hate."

Jason and Courtney's BIG reunion, "GOD, Jason, it's been like, three weeks since we've been like, a couple? I almost gave up!" How can ANYONE care about Journey being reunited when they were never really broken up? ANd why did they have the cookie sex months ago? I mean, this love scene, with Jason coming to her and saying, "I've left Sonny for you , I love you, let's stay together," would at least mean SOMETHING, not much, but SOMETHING if they'd never had sex before. These people don't know nuthin' about writin' no soap opera.

Jax gives Summer $1500, they sip champagne, he's called away and he ASKS her to wait around and she GRACIOUSLY agrees?? Honey, she's bought an paid for! Forget sending her to the hotel bar, have her blow up the raft and start making those s'mores.

Carly gets dizzy while they're evacuating the club and Sonny or one of the guards doesn't just pick her up and carry her out?? For all these morons know, the shooter is still in the club--get to safety you idiots!

Kelly's was OPEN for business the same night someone was shot in the basement? WTF? And if one of Sonny's guards was able to yell "gun," why didn't he see who was attached to it and catch Sam as she raced up the stairs? And why are any of Sonny's goons still alive and even still reporting for work the next day?

I didn't buy Liz's "It should have been you," line to Jason about Ric's being shot. Liz isn't a violent person, and even if she's mad at Jason and Courtney, I don't believe her saying this. And then when she blames Sonny, Courtney hisses, "Leave my brother out of this!" ZUH? Since when is Courtney in the mood to defend Sonny?

Bobbie making sure Leticia doesn't let Michael watch the news. Um, he's FIVE? Even if he was still awake, I doubt he'd be watching the news.

Jason takes a few hours to bang his girl and the whole UNIVERSE falls apart! And then HE's the one to search the WOMEN's room, HE'S the one who figures out the shooter must be a woman. If Jason were a Scorpio-esque detective, I could stomach it, but no, the ENTIRE canvas has been dumbed down in order to make it plausible that this thug, Jason, is the smartest, bestest guy around. I hate watching your fanfic, Elizabeth Korte!

Courtney talks to Carly about the New Year's Eve episode, "God, I was remembering what you said about what YOU remembered about what that lady said about that girl who represented me when you were imagining you were her..." Are we POSITIVE the writers aren't still on strike?

Carly tells Coutney about selling out Sonny to the Feds:Carly: "You know what? If Jason had been here, I wouldn't have been so stupid. Not to obviously forshadow what's gonna happen to Sonny now that he's kicked Jason out of his life, but things fall apart when Jason isn't around!"Courtney: "GOD! You were so stupid--you're so lucky Sonny forgave you!"Carly: "You know what? That's what I'm trying to tell you--it's important to keep your mouth shut and stay in your place!"Courtney, "God, you're right! I'm gonna go and bake some cookies RIGHT NOW!"

WHY was Jason allowed to be with Courtney when Scott was questioning Courtney?

WHAT evidence could Edward POSSIBLY have that Faith hired Sam--the receipt?? And how could he ever prove to the police that he DIDN't know his money was paying for the hit?

So...Ned is choking Faith...because he's AGAINST violence?

Ned trusting the new nanny, after all his talk of safety and whatnot. Even Kristina knew it, she had a look on her face like, "Yo, dad-guy? You really should check her references."

Alexis not freaking out about Dara being her attorney. I'd have loved her saying to Cameron, "I'm a little concerned because Dara ALWAYS loses--usually to me."

Was Faith invited to the meeting of the five families as the entertainment? Summer wasn't available? Pleh.

The Courtney and Carly friendship. I've said before, the way to play this if they're determined to do it is to have Carly be uncomfortable and tentative in the relationship, because she's not good at female friendships! But now they've gone further by having Carly tell Courtney that she slept with Ric? This of course makes no sense because we KNOW she'll tell Jason at some point, which is, I'm sure, the whole point. But where is Bobbie in all this? She knows something about baby anxiety...

Jason, who never talks, professes his love to Courtney and she's like, "God, I KNOW that, but what happened after we left the police station?"

Seeing Maxie and Georgie once a month--I actually think I might like them if I ever get the chance to meet them.

All the messages to women on this show: Strong women are dirty bitches who deserve violence--good girls make cookies and stay out of their men's business

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Liz to Carly: "The shooting is ALWAYS Sonny's fault."

Skye: "He left. Men do that."

Alexis on visitors: "It's a little awkward when you've been committed as a mental patient AND been charged with murder--people aren't sure what to bring."

Cameron to Alexis: "I wouldn't be the first person with a flawed personal life and a brilliant professional one."Alexis: "I know someone like that too."

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Wednesday: Sonny threw it, he THREW IT! Is it every OTHER week, I guess?

I like that Edward hates and distrusts Alexis becasue she's a Cassadine--in his mind, she's crazy just like the rest of them.

Ned looked like Lyle Menendez on Monday--or Frankenstein, take your pick. Bad, bad hair.

Maurice looks like Grampa Sonny (like his dentures are out, even) and his skin is positively gray these days.

Jax has more urns in his pad than Michael Jackson, and I liked Summer's dippy color-chart analysis of Jax-- unlike her talk the other day about "rarified air," THIS seems like the kind of silly nonsense she might actually talk about.

Jackie Zeman is back doing the babytalk and I'm back to muting her scenes.

Can they STOP calling Kristina "the CHILD?" If they think it's weird calling her Kristina, can they give her a nickname? Kris? Kiki? Poppin Fresh??

ICK ICK, When Jax gives Summer an extra $500 and she coos, "What do you have in mind?" Please GH, don't make me start thinking off all the devient and disgusting things Summer might do for an extra five bills

I laughed my ass off on Monday when SONNY said, "You know what?" Oh, Mo, don't start picking up HER lazy tics in addition to your own!

It was a LOT easier for me to watch Steve Burton's heavy sigh-head shake-stare master Borg act knowing he didn't get nominated for an Emmy--And can he wear the tank top more often? Because I do have a real fetish about guy's arms, and his are nice. If I could just stare at his triceps and biceps while he's pontifcicating, Jason Morgan might be tolerable.

Sonny and Jason pining after one another is just too funny.

Zander, you're so pretty, but please cut your hair. Do you need a date for the Emmy's? :D

Nancy Grahn has looked stunning all week. It really bothers me though, when she was wearing boots in bed at the hospital.

I love Our Big Fat Almost-Greek Baby Kristina!

The music SUCKS lately, the underscore? Just dreadful.

Peace! Christine--looking foward to the best Alcazar trial EVER

Survivor 6.4 Evil has a new face--and fake boobs!

Survivor 6.4 Evil has a new face--and fake boobs!


Jerri + Sarah -Colleen=Heidi, and it ain't pretty. Morning at Jabaru finds
Joanna and Jeanne up early tending to camp as usual while everyone else
sleeps in--as usual. Joanna passive-aggressively sharpens her machete
close to the weenie shelter so her torpid tribeswomen might hear. Joanna
hisses about the "trifling folk" who were supposed to be getting the
firewood before her shift began so jeanne offers to get some more. Joanna
objects to Jeanne doing all the work but Jeanne shrugs, "I don't care."
The rest of the tribe cast bleary glares at the two hard workers from the
relative warmth of their sleeping bags--which reminded me of Africa's
Samburu tribe. Samburu, Jabaru. Samburu, Jabaru. Hey, I don't know what
it is about those last two letters that turns twentysomethings into mean,
lazy slugs but it makes me nervous about young Suburu owners, that's for
sure. The heretofore likeable Shawna complains, "Every day while I'm
taking a nap or a break or sitting on my ass or whatever, Joanna and Jeanne
are shooting me dirty looks! It's like, yeah, you get all the food and
firewood and maintain the camp and I don't do a damned thing--I GET IT!
They're totally being, like, martyrs about the whole thing." Joanna
suggests the other girls not leave garbage near the shelter and Hellbeast
Heidi smirks to us, "It's been DRILLED into our heads by nasty old people
that if you work hard you'll get ahead--what a load of crap! This is a
game, I'm taking a nap thank you very much, and I'll still get further in
the game than those industrious fools and then I'll win a million dollars
and then I'll never have to work again so NYAH!" Heidi's high-pitched
squeak sounds more and more demonic by the syllable.

Back at Boy Camp, Dave, Butch and matt are out for a morning fish. Matt
frets, "Tut, tut, the fish are quite evasive this morning, don't you agree
lads?" Dave is drafting a flow chart to explain why they're still hungry,
"We are not maximizing the full fish-bearing potential of the primary food
source. Then he wins my heart with a Limerick! He even
knew this was a Limerick year and not a Haiku year AND he caps on Rob! :D

Dave's Limerick:

There once were three guys in a boat
Left early with spirits afloat
Looking for bass
Sat on their ass
Luck? As good as Rob's jokes.

Kudos, Dave, kudos.

The men return to camp and decide that maybe they'd catch more fish if they
used bait! Wow. Nice to know the boys are, at least in some ways, as
clueless as the girls. They have all kinds of boy-fun, sitting in the
dirt, digging up worms and finding little scorpions and bonding over their
success, Grrrrrr! Matt feels the others are purposely excluding him,
"Perhaps I got off on the wrong foot with the other gents, but I shan't be
deterred." Did I say Dan was the most boring guy on the show this year?

At girls camp, the Panty Princesses roll their eyes as Joanna brings some
more to eat into camp. Heidi explains, "The fact that the ugly girls do
all the work has become a source of friction in camp--it's SO annoying how
they, like, keep working all day. Plus they have like,
body fat? Which is SO gross but it does help them do all the *manual
labor,* and I guess someone has to and it sure isn't gonna be me." Jenna
asks Joanna to take part in a conversation the Princesses are having about
"being out of one's comfort zone," which in Jenna's case probably consists
of anything between her sorority house, TGIFriday's and the nearest Neiman
Marcus. Joanna
shrugs casually, "This to shall pass, my mother always used to say. This
isn't the first hard thing I've had to do. Anything worth having is gonna
require work and beauty will fade with time. Your character and your
virtue is what's gonna last." Jenna and Heidi stick their fingers in their
ears, shriek in horror, and run down to the river where they can discuss
voting the "bad lady" out.

Heidi sneers, "I don't know *what* she was raving about--like, what, she's
like, had a baby and like, lived life so she's all wise? Whatever. And
that stuff about not being cute your whole life is SO not true. Once I win
the million dollars I can TOTALLY pay for all the plastic surgery I want
and when I get too old for it to keep working, like when I'm 40? I'll just
kill myself. She's just picking on us because as a non-cute person, she's
never had to experience real prejudice." Jenna chortles, "We've got good
bodies, okay? It's not my fault I went on a diet before I got out to the
Amazon and they didn't--you can't even see their ribs, how disgusting is
that? The fat girls are just resentful of our good looks. I wanted to be
in a tribe with boys and jello shooters and stuff? But in an all-girl
group, the ugly girls always gang up on the pretty girls and make their
lives a total hell. I've seen it happen in my sorority. Wait...okay, no,
it was the other way around. But STILL." The Princesses go on a fishing
trip. Heidi explains, "I knew I wanted to team up with Jenna or Shawna
because they're like, almost as cute as I am? So it wouldn't be like,
totally embarrassing to be seen with them." Shawna admits to the others,
"I feel kinda bad that the others are doing all the work and all we do is
like, sit there." Heidi argues, "That's the game. They're the peasants
and we're royalty. They waste their time and energy providing for us while
we think up cool strategies." Jenna nods in agreement, "It's like chess!"
Shawna tells us, "I thought we might annoy the everlasting crap out of
everyone else in the tribe, so I thought I could use my closeness to Deena
to bring her into our alliance. Deena explains, "I wanted to be in a four
person alliance. I have nothing in common with the Princesses but I wanted
to be the leader and I wanted to be the smartest, which was easy to
accomplish by joining Shawna's gang." Shawna decrees this alliance to be
rock-solid, "Even if we like, totally hate each other later on, we'll stay
true to the alliance because that's the game."

The Sir-Matt Redemption

An eagle plucks a fish right out of the river to show-up the guys. Turns
out that metaphor for good vision, "eagle-eyed"? TOTALLY TRUE. But the
boys are about to finally have some fishing success of their own, at comes
at the hands of self-proclaimed master fisherman Matt, "Fishing is my forte
as I've been casting lines and whatnot since I was but a wee lad. No one
can challenge my contribution to the tribe once I start catching fish." He
puts his money where his large-mouth bass is and catches a large fish as a
happy Alex and Dave praise his skills. Matt is quite pleased with himself
when he returns to the camp and receives an equally warm reception from
Roger and Butch. Rob, on the other hand, looks like someone just killed
his dog--or at the very least his chances at mobilizing the group against
the no longer ostracized Matt. Methinks he's sliding down the Tambaqui
Totem pole! :D

Reward Limerick

One year we pimped ice cold Bud Light
Then Sierra Mist--wannabe Sprite
We Lost Mountain Dew
And Doritos too
This year for a Coke you will fight

The Reward Challenge is for an old Gilligan's Island prop, a mini-fridge
that the Professor must have whipped up. It's full of ice-cold Coca-Cola,
our new sponsor! There's even some Vanilla and Cherry Coke in their, Jeff
assures the tribes. I think if I'd been washing down my moldy flour with
boiled rainwater for 9 days, I just might kill for a can of Cherry Coke and
I'm not kidding. Reason 62 I will never be a contestant on Survivor. The
competition is fairly simple: Build a fire large enough to burn through
four ropes. As each rope is broken by flames, a piece of the tribes banner
falls--first one to reveal their banner wins. The girls pull out to an
early lead but the men use their bodies to block the wind, and that turns
out to be the difference. The girls seem to know this was a good strategy
but weren't able to pull together as a team the way the guys did--or maybe
they're just to damned skinny. At one point, Heidi wanted to hold the rope
closer to the fire and has to be convinced by Joanna that that's cheating.
Heidi sucks.

The demoralized girls return to camp and Shawna declares, 'I just need 10
minutes or so to pull myself together." She is not successful and within
minutes, she's fallen into the most obnoxious, pathetic, self-pitying
tantrum since Africa's potty-mouthed Lindsay got her ass kicked by that
tree. "I can't do it! I'm so tired! I can't make it another 30 days, I
CAN'T! Survivor is HARD and I wanted a Coke SO BAD!" Skeletal Jenna
shrugs, "Those were all empty calories anyway--I didn't see any DIET Cokes
in there." Deena claims that Shawna's just dehydrated as Shawna wails, "I
feel like such a blubbering IDIOT!" There's a good reason for that, honey.
Heidi tells us, "We really don't need this. It's hard to be compassionate
towards her when we need her to be strong for our alliance. Plus, I'm a
heartless evil bitch." Christy holds Shawna's hand and *listens*
sympathetically by reading Shawna's quivering lips. It's probably easier
to not be annoyed when you can't hear the whimpering tone. Deena is having
none
of it, "She needs to SHUT UP and stop acting like this is the worst thing
that's ever happened to her!" Deena is clearly not considering the very
real possibility that not winning 30 or so Cokes on a game show is indeed
the WORST thing that's happened to Shawna since "Saved By the Bell" went
off the air. "I want to laugh SO Bad," she cries, "But nothing about this
is funny." Speak for yourself, weepy.

The men, meanwhile, are basking in their success. Engineer Dave is proud
that, "Not only did we come from behind but it was done in an efficient
manner." Roger anoints himself Fridge Cop and makes sure everyone knows
that *he knows* how many Cokes are left. Then they roast the fish and Matt
eats the eyeball--Shii Ann would be proud. That night, the incessant Rob
yammers about how he's been doing Karaoke in his basement, "And I hope to
do this next little number for the ladies, after the merge." He then Bad
Elvis Impression's his way through the Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost
That Loving Feeling," a song that got real tired in 1986 after dorks
everywhere thought they could score with chicks by publicly serenading them
with
this song despite the fact that they were NOT Tom Cruise, or even Anthony
Edwards. Rob tells us, "This is a really interesting experiment to see
what happens to a bunch of guys when no girls are around and you can't
download porn, play Grand Theft Auto or watch a Three Stooges movie."
Butch confides that he's a lot more comfortable amongst the men, and is
glad there aren't any women around. Roger gains a couple points from me
when he calls the ever-weakening link Rob, "pathetic."

Immunity Limerick

By now we know all you can fish
And you know the results are delish
Catch some piranha
or else you are gonna
go home faster than you would wish

The women of Jabaru are confident they can out-fish the guys. At the
Immunity site, Jeff explains that both tribes will be trying to catch as
much fish as they can in an hour and he warns them to beware of the
pirahna's notorious chompers. The winners will get to keep their catch.
It wasn't all that exciting to watch. Both teams seem to do pretty well,
but the guys win. Back at camp, Shawna almost passes out just walking form
the fire to the shelter, "I'm relieved that I might be voted out at Tribal
Council--I'm probably the first person to say that." I think she is--even
the projectile vomiting Tanya and Jessie didn't quit. BB stumped a bit for
his own ouster, but he wasn't a cry-baby. Shawna is weak, WEAK
I say! She feels Joanna and Jeanne will vote for her and maybe Christy,
plus she feels abandoned by her former alliance-mates. Jeanne goes into
her motherly mode and tends to the sickly girl, "It'll be sad to see her
go, but she needs to get her health back and we need strength for the
competions!" Gee, that makes sense, so of course the other girls are
having none of it. Deena huffs, "Shawna needs to suck it up and stop being
a big whiny baby. She made a DEAL, and tough luck for her if she wants out
of it. I need to get rid of Joanna. I'm threatened by her physical,
mental and moral superiority." She plots with Heidi and Jenna and they
pull Christy in to discuss the vote. Jenna calls her their "wild card,"
which is Jenna-speak for "someone we can use and throw away when it suits
our purposes." Christy does seem up on the politics, knowing that Joanna
is on the block and inquiring whether they'll dumb Shawna before Joanna.
"It's hard," she explains, Joanna gets us food and works hard but she
annoys everyone and remember when she put her hand in my face? But then
Shawna is dying and begging to leave."

Tribal Council

As if we didn't hate her enough, Jenna is wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned
with the phrase, "RUSH WEEK." I'm sure she holds onto it as a talisman of
the hardest thing SHE'S ever faced since "Saved by the Bell" went off the
air. Jeff asks Heidi about Deena's leadership and she's quick to point out
that it was Jeanne's idea, and that it's working out jes' fine. When Jeff
asks Jeanne about the work situation, Jeanne very diplomatically says that
everyone is doing their share of "what they're good at," even though she's
good at getting food and building shelters while some of the others are
good at ass-sitting and general eye-rolling. Jeff asks Deena about her
leadership role and whether anyone isn't cutting it. She praises the
now-team-playing Christy and hardsells to out-of-the-loop Joanna and Jeanne
that Shawna is the pick, "She is not doing well and can't contribute and we
really need strength right now!" It's a pretty neat trick to use the truth
to trick her opponents. Deena shuns the logic of her own words and leads
the charge against Joanna.

Joanna goes out 4-2-1. Shawna doesn't vote with the alliance, proving
she's ALREADY a liability to the idiots who kept her around. I mean, they
retained her for the expressed purpose of controlling her vote and instead
she votes for Christy (a vote that isn't revealed to the the tribe). She
can't vote for herself so she chooses to NOT vote for Joanna, maybe hoping
for a tie. Despite her defiance of the party line, she's smart to vote for
Christy who, along with Jeanne, are not "legally" in the alliance. Christy
squelches Shawna's hopes of a warm bath at the Sao Paulo Hilton by voting
with the evil ones to oust Joanna. Jeanne is shocked and angry by the
vote, while Joanna seems to take it in stride and in her exit interview,
she recognizes that Deena was threatened by her. Shawna looks unthrilled
in her role as Survivor's hostage.

In an odd coincidence, 4 out of 6 contestants voted out at this stage of
the game have been black women. Joanna joins season one's Ramona, Africa's
Linda and last year's Ghandia. Their exits couldn't be more dissimmilar:
Ramona was ill and her tribe chose NOT to hold her hostage, Linda was
forced out by the cruel but doomed Gen-X alliance and Ghandia
self-destructed. This is also the same place where Tina and Colby turned
the tables on Jerri-stooge Mitch and where the buxom and brainless Sarah
was eliminated when tribe realignment seperated her from Boston Rob. Next
week, Jenna and Dave have a date--is this a reward or a precursor to a
merge or realignment? Otherwise, I question whether the women will be able
to reclaim immunity without Joanna. The tribes are even again so they
can't sit Shawna out. I'm truly baffled by this decision and hope it comes
back to bite them. Joanna was unlikly to bond with many of the men (who
already disliked her) plus she probably would have refused the immunity
necklace on religious grounds had she ever won it. If there's a shake-up,
I'd like to see Jeanne and Christy benefit it--if the women go to Tribal
Council next week, Jeanne
seems the likely loser although Christy is still deaf and Lord knows these
silly girls are easily threatened. If the men go, I no longer believe it's
wishful thinking on my part to predict Rob's departure. He contributes the
least and he's irritating, plus he's the most likely to be swayed by the
cute bitches in the event of a merge. I'm hoping they'll be in for a big
fall when the men quickly see past their boobs and realize....aw, crap.
Have a great week!

Peace, Christine :)

General Hospital week ending March 1, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Cynthia Preston was great all week, she's a great villain. Doing her nails in the chapel, too funny. She was so great faking her grief to Ned-- i almost believed her outrage at being accused of the crime, LOL, and I'd seen her do it!

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Nancy Grahn was magnificent on Tuesday, her despair at signing her baby (I really wish they hadn't named her Kristina, it's so confusing) over to Ned. I loved the way she said to Cameron, "Did you turn me in or not?" Just sad and scared. Nancy's very good at not doing more than she has to. She should give acting classes to the other girls--they've all been listening very hard to their Smirking Coach, but an Acting Coach might make the show bearable.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Hey, Alicia, cool it with the face-scrunching, I almost gave it to you, especially when you were barely able to keep from laughing during your tough-chick act with Liz. But, as is so often the case, the award goes to Maurice. "Sam............the one with no last name..................LINE!? The one who took out..................................LINE!? CHAVEZ"?! Learn your frickin' dialogue, Mo! "The shoo...shooter's in town for me." His half-bored, half-annoyed reaction to Carly's pregnancy--the guy doesn't even try. "If....Faith has....the money....then she doesn't need......Ned's...." AGH! The worst was Friday, afer the big break-up between Jason and Sonny when Sonny snaps at Benny at the club, "Keep your VOT down!" i think that's what he said, it's always a challenge. Maurice screwed up his face to show how ENRAGED he was, oooh, so scary--I swear he looked like Popeye.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

When Jax overturned the room service cart, and then started crying. I know it's a little thing, and many of you probably laughed when he did it, but to me this ONE character on this entire canvas STREWN with shattered, ruined, f'd-up characters was actually reacting to the ass he is becoming with a sense of self-loathing and grief, and if that's what passes for honesty right now, I'll take it whenever I can find it.

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Without a doubt, the terribly staged, dreadfully conceived "montage" as Jason and Skipper get it on whilst Sonny gets shot at, all while a wimpy saxophone version of "Someone to Watch Over Me," plays. Guza CANNOT stop trying to recreate one of his truly great moments, "Clink-Boom," and here he is again giving us...F***-Bang? Or is that...Bang Bang?

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

Despite all my urging of, "Throw it, THROW IT!" Sonny didn't throw anything. However, Courtney did throw a picture frame and Jax overturned a food tray. And just when DID Jason and Courtney pose for that photo, when they were hiding their relationship from the world or after they'd broken up? Must be time for the WTF's...

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

Jax tells Alexis, 'I've arranged for your attorney," And ALexis, who we've been told is one of the best lawyers in the country doesn't even bother to ask who it is?

If Guza was any good (I know, I know), he would have had references to Sam for months now. "Who took out Mendoza?" "Word has it, it was Sam." Instead we get ONE DAY of, "That guy Sam." "The hit MAN who no one's ever seen?" ""Yeah, that GUY is really good." And then we're supposed to not only be surprised--but even care when fifteen minutes later we learn, whoa, it's a hot black chick?

Carly and Courtney's friendship: Courtney: "God! I'm so happy you're getting your baby, Carly! Even though I like, totally hate your husband who's like, also my brother? I'm like always gonna be a CFF--congratulations on getting Actor of the Month at SoapZone! And get outta my face with those applications, Ric. College is for LOSERS!"Carly: "You know what? You need to shut up. The only reason I'm pimping Journey is to keep Lizzard outta my storyline, aright?"

Crystal the hooker didn't seem that "high end" to me, I'm just saying is all.

Ned to Faith, "We work together against Sonny, That's it. The rest of my life is off limits. Except my penis, of course." I used to really like Ned, but he's so gross now

Unlike many, I thought Nekkid Jax looked just dandy on Tuesday, but who answers the door just wearing a towel? Then Skye plays it all, "Oh heavens," as IF there's anything he's got that she hasn't seen and then he explains, "I thought it was room service." Oh. Okay?

Scott and Taggart watched the tape Cameron gave them and Scott was like, "Did you see that, when she looked at the camera and changed personalities?" And they played the MO FO Windchimes. For a scene we've already seen before, LOL. I was really bummed when they rewound the tape and it wasn't there the second time. I thought maybe Cameron added the MO FO Windshimes ala JFP, to underscore ALexis's acting.

When Sonny said to Courtney (who was more modestly dressed then she was at the Cellar's opening, btw) "THIS is how you dress for work?" LOL, Uh sonny, you DO remember what "Daisy" wore at her last job right?

Despite Carly's protestations, isn't it KINDA Catherine's fault that Faith turned out the way she did? Kinda?

Sonny to Ric: "I don't trust you, come into my home again so we can discuss it further. I'm not falling for your bullshit--there's the business of mine I want you to handle, on the table? I'm on to you , okay? So why don't you go down to the club and rape my wife again, okay?" AND THEY WANT US TO THINK SONNY'S SMART!

I am now convinced that Alexis does indeed have multiple personalities and is presently being controlled by Stupid Ass Pathetic Alexis. If this isn't true, or if she's not covering for someone else then because she's too damned smart to think she couldn't get off on self-defense!

On Monday, when Sonny said he'd have Leticia run Carly a bath. Like...Sonny can't run a damned bath for his wife?

Last week I LOL at Carly using the phrase "devil's advocate." This week she actually uttered the phrase "I made a unilateral descision," LMAO. In the same vein, Summer said something about breathing "rarified air." Has Bobbie signed them up for correspondence school: Good Grammar for Dumb Ho's?

I DO NOT GET SUMMER. The high class hooker who had a close--but apparantly not abusive relationship with her father...why did she become a hooker? How does that work? And has she ever seemed like a hooker to anybody? Every time she talks about how she's "out of the life," I have to remind myself what the hell she's talking about. She never seems ashamed or in any real pain, even after she got beaten up. Why do they give Alexis MO FO Windchimes, when it's Summer that needs a "beep beep, awww, tweet tweet" from Donna SUMMER's "Bad Girls," every time she appears so I'll remember, "That's right, she's a call girl."

LMAO at Skipper's ice cream and bon-bon bender. And the mystery of the chess board is revealed! She keeps her toe polish in it! These are not grown-ups. Jason's heavy sigh and head shaking is not passion! This is the LAMEST STORY EVER TOLD! Then we get their BIG reunion, even though they've been talking and mooning over each other for weeks. Did he REALLY hurt her? No. Did she REALLY lose him? No, of course not. That'd take to long for Mr. Premature Resolution, Bob Guza.

Carly's flashback to the NYE episode, "Sonny, i just remembered something terrible about something I imagined about something I was told by a stranger!"

Sam's terrible aim has been covered, and I agree: WTF? WTF indeed!

And LMAO at the security. Guess no one was covering the club's one entrance earlier in the day when someone taped the gun in the bathroom, and I guess none of Sonny's crew has ever seen "The Godfather," and I guess it's okay for half the town to be allowed into a private party for a dead woman nobody knew even though none of them have ever been there before and even though they've thrown Faith out a million times, and given her a million "Next time, Faith, next time, bow! zoom! straight to the moon"'s, eh, let her stay this once even though we think she killed the person we're honoring.

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Faith to Sonny: "Did *you* make a public spectacle of yourself weeping when Lily blew up?"

Liz to Courtney about Carly: "You know, you're even beginning to sound like her. Maybe you'd better check on your new best friend? She almost took a header down the stairs."

Liz to Ric about Courtney: "I am SO sick of her."

Mikey to Jason and Courtney: "I don't understand." NO ONE understands Journey, kid.

Liz to Carly about Courtney: "Look, just because you've finally found a friend doesn't mean everyone has to like her."

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

LMAO at Jason and Sonny's break up, and Jason's "Baby, it doesn't have to be this way." "I don't want you around her no more!" And Jason turns back, and Sonny shuts the door in his face. I can't wait until they run towards each other through a field of flowers and into each others arms for May sweeps.

Michael IS Sonny's kid--they've got the same staccato line delivery! And that kid, with that voice, in that hat? It's a real good thing he's got bodyguards.

Did anyone else laugh at Jason and Sonny's trying to confirm the Sam info:Jason: "I read a spoiler on GHH that says a shooter is coming in."Sonny: "Those spoilers are bulllshit, see what Sage has to say."

Liz to Ric: "Courtney's all mad because I guessed Carly's pregnant--Like it wasn't on Soapzone AGES ago."

I loved NuGia bitching about Bobbie raising the prices at Kelly's--it's cuz Luke keeps stealing from the cash register, LOL.

When Cameron applauded ALexis for her performance as "Kristina," all I could think of was an old Saturday Night Live sketch "The Sarcastic Clapping Family." It's just one of those gestures that's played out for me, and I laugh whenever anyone tries to seriously do it anymore.

I hate it when Real Andrews speaks through his clenched teeth to show how intense he is. He's not as bad as he used to be but I still think he sucks.

I like Jax, but every now and then he wanders vocally into Thurston Howell/Bad Sean Connery Impression territory.

Please, Scott and Skye, PLEASE! And damn it Jax and Carly didn't crackle more in their four seconds together than three damned years of Sonny and Carly--I'm just sayin'...

Peace! Christine