Survivor 6.4 Evil has a new face--and fake boobs!

Survivor 6.4 Evil has a new face--and fake boobs!


Jerri + Sarah -Colleen=Heidi, and it ain't pretty. Morning at Jabaru finds
Joanna and Jeanne up early tending to camp as usual while everyone else
sleeps in--as usual. Joanna passive-aggressively sharpens her machete
close to the weenie shelter so her torpid tribeswomen might hear. Joanna
hisses about the "trifling folk" who were supposed to be getting the
firewood before her shift began so jeanne offers to get some more. Joanna
objects to Jeanne doing all the work but Jeanne shrugs, "I don't care."
The rest of the tribe cast bleary glares at the two hard workers from the
relative warmth of their sleeping bags--which reminded me of Africa's
Samburu tribe. Samburu, Jabaru. Samburu, Jabaru. Hey, I don't know what
it is about those last two letters that turns twentysomethings into mean,
lazy slugs but it makes me nervous about young Suburu owners, that's for
sure. The heretofore likeable Shawna complains, "Every day while I'm
taking a nap or a break or sitting on my ass or whatever, Joanna and Jeanne
are shooting me dirty looks! It's like, yeah, you get all the food and
firewood and maintain the camp and I don't do a damned thing--I GET IT!
They're totally being, like, martyrs about the whole thing." Joanna
suggests the other girls not leave garbage near the shelter and Hellbeast
Heidi smirks to us, "It's been DRILLED into our heads by nasty old people
that if you work hard you'll get ahead--what a load of crap! This is a
game, I'm taking a nap thank you very much, and I'll still get further in
the game than those industrious fools and then I'll win a million dollars
and then I'll never have to work again so NYAH!" Heidi's high-pitched
squeak sounds more and more demonic by the syllable.

Back at Boy Camp, Dave, Butch and matt are out for a morning fish. Matt
frets, "Tut, tut, the fish are quite evasive this morning, don't you agree
lads?" Dave is drafting a flow chart to explain why they're still hungry,
"We are not maximizing the full fish-bearing potential of the primary food
source. Then he wins my heart with a Limerick! He even
knew this was a Limerick year and not a Haiku year AND he caps on Rob! :D

Dave's Limerick:

There once were three guys in a boat
Left early with spirits afloat
Looking for bass
Sat on their ass
Luck? As good as Rob's jokes.

Kudos, Dave, kudos.

The men return to camp and decide that maybe they'd catch more fish if they
used bait! Wow. Nice to know the boys are, at least in some ways, as
clueless as the girls. They have all kinds of boy-fun, sitting in the
dirt, digging up worms and finding little scorpions and bonding over their
success, Grrrrrr! Matt feels the others are purposely excluding him,
"Perhaps I got off on the wrong foot with the other gents, but I shan't be
deterred." Did I say Dan was the most boring guy on the show this year?

At girls camp, the Panty Princesses roll their eyes as Joanna brings some
more to eat into camp. Heidi explains, "The fact that the ugly girls do
all the work has become a source of friction in camp--it's SO annoying how
they, like, keep working all day. Plus they have like,
body fat? Which is SO gross but it does help them do all the *manual
labor,* and I guess someone has to and it sure isn't gonna be me." Jenna
asks Joanna to take part in a conversation the Princesses are having about
"being out of one's comfort zone," which in Jenna's case probably consists
of anything between her sorority house, TGIFriday's and the nearest Neiman
Marcus. Joanna
shrugs casually, "This to shall pass, my mother always used to say. This
isn't the first hard thing I've had to do. Anything worth having is gonna
require work and beauty will fade with time. Your character and your
virtue is what's gonna last." Jenna and Heidi stick their fingers in their
ears, shriek in horror, and run down to the river where they can discuss
voting the "bad lady" out.

Heidi sneers, "I don't know *what* she was raving about--like, what, she's
like, had a baby and like, lived life so she's all wise? Whatever. And
that stuff about not being cute your whole life is SO not true. Once I win
the million dollars I can TOTALLY pay for all the plastic surgery I want
and when I get too old for it to keep working, like when I'm 40? I'll just
kill myself. She's just picking on us because as a non-cute person, she's
never had to experience real prejudice." Jenna chortles, "We've got good
bodies, okay? It's not my fault I went on a diet before I got out to the
Amazon and they didn't--you can't even see their ribs, how disgusting is
that? The fat girls are just resentful of our good looks. I wanted to be
in a tribe with boys and jello shooters and stuff? But in an all-girl
group, the ugly girls always gang up on the pretty girls and make their
lives a total hell. I've seen it happen in my sorority. Wait...okay, no,
it was the other way around. But STILL." The Princesses go on a fishing
trip. Heidi explains, "I knew I wanted to team up with Jenna or Shawna
because they're like, almost as cute as I am? So it wouldn't be like,
totally embarrassing to be seen with them." Shawna admits to the others,
"I feel kinda bad that the others are doing all the work and all we do is
like, sit there." Heidi argues, "That's the game. They're the peasants
and we're royalty. They waste their time and energy providing for us while
we think up cool strategies." Jenna nods in agreement, "It's like chess!"
Shawna tells us, "I thought we might annoy the everlasting crap out of
everyone else in the tribe, so I thought I could use my closeness to Deena
to bring her into our alliance. Deena explains, "I wanted to be in a four
person alliance. I have nothing in common with the Princesses but I wanted
to be the leader and I wanted to be the smartest, which was easy to
accomplish by joining Shawna's gang." Shawna decrees this alliance to be
rock-solid, "Even if we like, totally hate each other later on, we'll stay
true to the alliance because that's the game."

The Sir-Matt Redemption

An eagle plucks a fish right out of the river to show-up the guys. Turns
out that metaphor for good vision, "eagle-eyed"? TOTALLY TRUE. But the
boys are about to finally have some fishing success of their own, at comes
at the hands of self-proclaimed master fisherman Matt, "Fishing is my forte
as I've been casting lines and whatnot since I was but a wee lad. No one
can challenge my contribution to the tribe once I start catching fish." He
puts his money where his large-mouth bass is and catches a large fish as a
happy Alex and Dave praise his skills. Matt is quite pleased with himself
when he returns to the camp and receives an equally warm reception from
Roger and Butch. Rob, on the other hand, looks like someone just killed
his dog--or at the very least his chances at mobilizing the group against
the no longer ostracized Matt. Methinks he's sliding down the Tambaqui
Totem pole! :D

Reward Limerick

One year we pimped ice cold Bud Light
Then Sierra Mist--wannabe Sprite
We Lost Mountain Dew
And Doritos too
This year for a Coke you will fight

The Reward Challenge is for an old Gilligan's Island prop, a mini-fridge
that the Professor must have whipped up. It's full of ice-cold Coca-Cola,
our new sponsor! There's even some Vanilla and Cherry Coke in their, Jeff
assures the tribes. I think if I'd been washing down my moldy flour with
boiled rainwater for 9 days, I just might kill for a can of Cherry Coke and
I'm not kidding. Reason 62 I will never be a contestant on Survivor. The
competition is fairly simple: Build a fire large enough to burn through
four ropes. As each rope is broken by flames, a piece of the tribes banner
falls--first one to reveal their banner wins. The girls pull out to an
early lead but the men use their bodies to block the wind, and that turns
out to be the difference. The girls seem to know this was a good strategy
but weren't able to pull together as a team the way the guys did--or maybe
they're just to damned skinny. At one point, Heidi wanted to hold the rope
closer to the fire and has to be convinced by Joanna that that's cheating.
Heidi sucks.

The demoralized girls return to camp and Shawna declares, 'I just need 10
minutes or so to pull myself together." She is not successful and within
minutes, she's fallen into the most obnoxious, pathetic, self-pitying
tantrum since Africa's potty-mouthed Lindsay got her ass kicked by that
tree. "I can't do it! I'm so tired! I can't make it another 30 days, I
CAN'T! Survivor is HARD and I wanted a Coke SO BAD!" Skeletal Jenna
shrugs, "Those were all empty calories anyway--I didn't see any DIET Cokes
in there." Deena claims that Shawna's just dehydrated as Shawna wails, "I
feel like such a blubbering IDIOT!" There's a good reason for that, honey.
Heidi tells us, "We really don't need this. It's hard to be compassionate
towards her when we need her to be strong for our alliance. Plus, I'm a
heartless evil bitch." Christy holds Shawna's hand and *listens*
sympathetically by reading Shawna's quivering lips. It's probably easier
to not be annoyed when you can't hear the whimpering tone. Deena is having
none
of it, "She needs to SHUT UP and stop acting like this is the worst thing
that's ever happened to her!" Deena is clearly not considering the very
real possibility that not winning 30 or so Cokes on a game show is indeed
the WORST thing that's happened to Shawna since "Saved By the Bell" went
off the air. "I want to laugh SO Bad," she cries, "But nothing about this
is funny." Speak for yourself, weepy.

The men, meanwhile, are basking in their success. Engineer Dave is proud
that, "Not only did we come from behind but it was done in an efficient
manner." Roger anoints himself Fridge Cop and makes sure everyone knows
that *he knows* how many Cokes are left. Then they roast the fish and Matt
eats the eyeball--Shii Ann would be proud. That night, the incessant Rob
yammers about how he's been doing Karaoke in his basement, "And I hope to
do this next little number for the ladies, after the merge." He then Bad
Elvis Impression's his way through the Righteous Brothers' "You've Lost
That Loving Feeling," a song that got real tired in 1986 after dorks
everywhere thought they could score with chicks by publicly serenading them
with
this song despite the fact that they were NOT Tom Cruise, or even Anthony
Edwards. Rob tells us, "This is a really interesting experiment to see
what happens to a bunch of guys when no girls are around and you can't
download porn, play Grand Theft Auto or watch a Three Stooges movie."
Butch confides that he's a lot more comfortable amongst the men, and is
glad there aren't any women around. Roger gains a couple points from me
when he calls the ever-weakening link Rob, "pathetic."

Immunity Limerick

By now we know all you can fish
And you know the results are delish
Catch some piranha
or else you are gonna
go home faster than you would wish

The women of Jabaru are confident they can out-fish the guys. At the
Immunity site, Jeff explains that both tribes will be trying to catch as
much fish as they can in an hour and he warns them to beware of the
pirahna's notorious chompers. The winners will get to keep their catch.
It wasn't all that exciting to watch. Both teams seem to do pretty well,
but the guys win. Back at camp, Shawna almost passes out just walking form
the fire to the shelter, "I'm relieved that I might be voted out at Tribal
Council--I'm probably the first person to say that." I think she is--even
the projectile vomiting Tanya and Jessie didn't quit. BB stumped a bit for
his own ouster, but he wasn't a cry-baby. Shawna is weak, WEAK
I say! She feels Joanna and Jeanne will vote for her and maybe Christy,
plus she feels abandoned by her former alliance-mates. Jeanne goes into
her motherly mode and tends to the sickly girl, "It'll be sad to see her
go, but she needs to get her health back and we need strength for the
competions!" Gee, that makes sense, so of course the other girls are
having none of it. Deena huffs, "Shawna needs to suck it up and stop being
a big whiny baby. She made a DEAL, and tough luck for her if she wants out
of it. I need to get rid of Joanna. I'm threatened by her physical,
mental and moral superiority." She plots with Heidi and Jenna and they
pull Christy in to discuss the vote. Jenna calls her their "wild card,"
which is Jenna-speak for "someone we can use and throw away when it suits
our purposes." Christy does seem up on the politics, knowing that Joanna
is on the block and inquiring whether they'll dumb Shawna before Joanna.
"It's hard," she explains, Joanna gets us food and works hard but she
annoys everyone and remember when she put her hand in my face? But then
Shawna is dying and begging to leave."

Tribal Council

As if we didn't hate her enough, Jenna is wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned
with the phrase, "RUSH WEEK." I'm sure she holds onto it as a talisman of
the hardest thing SHE'S ever faced since "Saved by the Bell" went off the
air. Jeff asks Heidi about Deena's leadership and she's quick to point out
that it was Jeanne's idea, and that it's working out jes' fine. When Jeff
asks Jeanne about the work situation, Jeanne very diplomatically says that
everyone is doing their share of "what they're good at," even though she's
good at getting food and building shelters while some of the others are
good at ass-sitting and general eye-rolling. Jeff asks Deena about her
leadership role and whether anyone isn't cutting it. She praises the
now-team-playing Christy and hardsells to out-of-the-loop Joanna and Jeanne
that Shawna is the pick, "She is not doing well and can't contribute and we
really need strength right now!" It's a pretty neat trick to use the truth
to trick her opponents. Deena shuns the logic of her own words and leads
the charge against Joanna.

Joanna goes out 4-2-1. Shawna doesn't vote with the alliance, proving
she's ALREADY a liability to the idiots who kept her around. I mean, they
retained her for the expressed purpose of controlling her vote and instead
she votes for Christy (a vote that isn't revealed to the the tribe). She
can't vote for herself so she chooses to NOT vote for Joanna, maybe hoping
for a tie. Despite her defiance of the party line, she's smart to vote for
Christy who, along with Jeanne, are not "legally" in the alliance. Christy
squelches Shawna's hopes of a warm bath at the Sao Paulo Hilton by voting
with the evil ones to oust Joanna. Jeanne is shocked and angry by the
vote, while Joanna seems to take it in stride and in her exit interview,
she recognizes that Deena was threatened by her. Shawna looks unthrilled
in her role as Survivor's hostage.

In an odd coincidence, 4 out of 6 contestants voted out at this stage of
the game have been black women. Joanna joins season one's Ramona, Africa's
Linda and last year's Ghandia. Their exits couldn't be more dissimmilar:
Ramona was ill and her tribe chose NOT to hold her hostage, Linda was
forced out by the cruel but doomed Gen-X alliance and Ghandia
self-destructed. This is also the same place where Tina and Colby turned
the tables on Jerri-stooge Mitch and where the buxom and brainless Sarah
was eliminated when tribe realignment seperated her from Boston Rob. Next
week, Jenna and Dave have a date--is this a reward or a precursor to a
merge or realignment? Otherwise, I question whether the women will be able
to reclaim immunity without Joanna. The tribes are even again so they
can't sit Shawna out. I'm truly baffled by this decision and hope it comes
back to bite them. Joanna was unlikly to bond with many of the men (who
already disliked her) plus she probably would have refused the immunity
necklace on religious grounds had she ever won it. If there's a shake-up,
I'd like to see Jeanne and Christy benefit it--if the women go to Tribal
Council next week, Jeanne
seems the likely loser although Christy is still deaf and Lord knows these
silly girls are easily threatened. If the men go, I no longer believe it's
wishful thinking on my part to predict Rob's departure. He contributes the
least and he's irritating, plus he's the most likely to be swayed by the
cute bitches in the event of a merge. I'm hoping they'll be in for a big
fall when the men quickly see past their boobs and realize....aw, crap.
Have a great week!

Peace, Christine :)