Survivor 8.7 Happy Trails, Colby...

Alas, poor Colbster, we knew him well. Meh, the guy has a national razor commercial airing, and a burgeoning acting career (anyone else catch his hilarious turn as a jerkier version of himself on Curb Your Enthusiasm?), there's no reason to feel bad for the guy. And really, it was his own fault...

IS THERE A RIGHT SIDE OF A BED MADE OF BAMBOO LOGS?

Morning at Leggo my Eggo, and Shii Ann and Kath are reveling in the spectacular beauty of the Pearl Islands (next season's Survivor should be called Escape from the Pearl Islands) but their quite meditation is shattered by cranky Jerri, who brays loudly from the shelter about her aching back and bug bites. Shii Ann wants her out because, as she explains to Kathy, "I know every thought that's in her brain because it's coming out of her mouth." Call me crazy, but that seems like an ideal adversary to me. But Shii Ann has a point: The conditions are horrible for everyone but Jerri's the only one who's devoted their time on the island to bitching about it. Kath agrees, "Jerri doesn't have much of a work ethic, and when you have a bad seed in the tribe, man, it can bring the whole tribe down. She's not a BAD seed, she's an annoying seed." Colby posits that Jerri hasn't changed anything about her game play or attitude towards others since Australia, but I think he's wrong. In the Outback, Jerri was the leader (or at least thought she was). Here, she's being very deferential to what others want to do, at least in terms of voting. Colby is unfazed by Jerri, declaring that she doesn't bother him because he know she won't win the game. That's what I said for 13 weeks in 2000 about Richard Hatch, fyi. Kath and Shii Ann take a swim in order to mock Jerri in private. Kath effects a Southern Belle accent and says, "Ah sweah, that woman is SUCH a bitch," and I would have thought it was funny if I weren't still off the Kath train. The women's laughter carries to shore, where Evil Jerri just KNOWS they're laughing about her, "What else would they be talking about except me? Seriously, I know I'm on my own in this game but I'm CONSTANTLY being underestimated in this game. My plan is working--I want to be seem as the zen-like, easy going Jerri that's here to have fun." I laughed when she said this, but then I remembered what a bully she was in Australia. She HAS backed down this time around, but she needs to stop her sobbing.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK (And Happy St. Patrick's Day!)

There once was a cute boy named Ethan
Who had his own tribe mad and seethin'
His decisions were wrong
And he too far to long
In the end his tribe was barely breathin'

Before the Reward/Immunity Combo challenge, Rupert and Jenna run down Ethan in order to suck up to Shakira, claiming that he tended to freak out during challenges. I was all indignant about this but it turns out they were right :p

The Challenge is a real butt-kicker, and the stakes are high. the winner not only gets immunity and a day of food, booze and fun aboard a luxury yacht, but they also get to choose one person from the other tribe to join them. This person will miss Tribal Council. I looooooved this twist and wish they'd do this more often. The challenge itself involves much swimming and diving, as each player must dive into the drink to untie giant puzzle pieces, which will be assemble into an actual boat! The Puzzle Boats RULE!! :D Then they paddle the boats to shore, send one runner into the jungle to cut down their flag and collect two more paddles, and then the whole tribe paddles back to the platform.

The race is maybe the closest race in recent Survivor memory--it's a tight race all the way. Ethan breaks one of the teams paddles when he tries to use it as a hammer to assemble the Puzzle Boat. It doesn't seem to have dire consequences, as the Eggos get a good jump on Shakira and arrive on shore with a nice lead. I have to interject here to comment on Ethan's MAGNIFICENT body. Muscular but in a lanky athletic way. I swear, I feel like Sally to his Linus, "Isn't he the cutest thing?" :) Chachi is able to pass Ethan though, when Ethan can't untie the knots that hold his paddles. Shakira rows hard and wins the challenge. Kath sobs in agony afterwards, which really bothered me. I know this may be mean, but I'm sorry. I didn't appreciate her bringing me so far into her core of disappointment. She really has to learn how to keep it together. Shakira elects to take HER on their Party Boat, which was interesting. I would have gone after Jerri or Ethan, presuming they were still Yogi outsiders. But maybe they didn't want to protect either from the next vote? Also, they aren't physically threatened by Kath and Chachi's calling the shots--he may be hoping to rekindle the bond they had in the Marquesas (Kathy and Boston Rob were their teams elected captains, and formed a secret alliance, which was ultimately not enough to save him from the Smuggly's wrath).

THE SHAKIRA HILLBILLIES!

The unsophisticated Shakirans are delighted to spend the day aboard a 94-foot luxury yacht. Kath tells us she was bummed to be asked along because she was so upset that they lost and she was worried about how it might look to her tribe, while she wisely gushes thanks and gratitude to her Shakira hosts. Rupert is in his element as the Provider of Good Things and tells her, "You were our only choice--you have good friends on this tribe." They share a toast to three more days--I was actually glad they one because now they can't blame Sue should they lose their advantage.

Big Tom raves about the yacht, "Det boah, ah aine nev seen ah boah lahk tat. Et Rehmine meh of the fancyess hass trailuh ya evuh seen...float." Big Tom pretty much makes my redneck jokes for me. Can't you just hear Buddy Ebsen referring to the Queen Mary as "the fanciest House Trailer ah ever did see...float"? Then we're treated to another Survivor gorge-fest where these people have to go and on about how GREAT food is! "There's chicken and bread and fruit and meat and---" yes, WE KNOW WHAT FOOD IS. We are NOT starving, you are. Rupert raves that the food was, "Salty, greasy, beautiful..." and I thought "Covergirl." Kath marvels at how welcomed she is (uh, they ARE trying to woo you, Kath) and is immediately tempted to swing over to Shakira in a merge, though she needs to be careful about when and where she swings. Swinging Kath! Will she or won't she? Tom does his part by leading his tribe in one of their "army call" chants, "We got a new girl, her name is Kat! (tribe repeats) 'She fits in, Jes Like dat!" (tribe repeats) and thean they all go, "Doo dah doo dah doo dah day!" Personally, I think Kath is exactly the type of woman (strong, smart Yankee) that will rub Tom the wrong way but right now, it's just one big happy hoedown. Or in Amber's case, Ho-down.

I HEART ETHAN ZOHN

Or "Zorn," to hear Bryant Gumbel tell it. Back at camp, Ethan says mea culpa to his tribe for blowing the race. Jerri and Shii Ann both quickly absolve him, claiming it was a group failure, but Ethan insists, "I feel responsible, and I'm taking responsibility for it. I'm sorry." Colby says, "Right On." I'm glad I'm not the only one. Ethan berates himself for letting down his team and frets that his team will now oust him. "It feels horrible to fail--you're either the hero or the goat, and this time I was the goat." I thing Ethan is as appealing when he struggles with his short-comings as when he's being his usual super-self. Sigh, Ethan.

BACK TO THE COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE

Seriously, this episode was like flipping between reruns of "The Sopranos" and "Hee Haw." Shakira: Temporary Population: Seven. Saaal-ute. The Shakirans are taken to an oasis for their dessert course and they stuff their faces yet again. Amber takes a moment to marvel at the scenery, "It's so crazy to think there are places that beautiful in the world and we're getting a chance to see them." I think I'd really like Amber if her life's mission weren't to aid and abet the most evil player in whatever game she's playing. Everyone dives into a pool from a waterfall, and Kath is totally charmed, "Shakira is enjoying the game. At Eggo it's work, work, work. These guys are always singing silly songs." Yes folks, Kath is putting Big Tom's antics in Shakira's "plus" column. Kath knows switching sides will be tricky, and that she can't let on how well she fit in with Shakira when she returns home to Eggo.

SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH JERRI

And it ain't Keith Famie. Does Keith still have his show on Food Network? I dunno. He ain't no Survivor All-Star, that's for sure. This time it's Shii Ann who must put up with Jerri's backseat cooking. Jerri sneers as Ethan and Shii Ann agree that the rotting coconut will be edible once it's cooked. It really makes me hope that Jerri will get to see Shii Ann eat animal entrails and eyeballs like she did in Thailand, just to further gross out Jerri. Is anyone else as bothered as me that Jerri is wearing the EXACT same outfit she wore in the Outback? The same hat, the same blue and black wetsuit/bathing suit, the same fake, tight smile? Shii Ann bemoans the fact that Jerri is only willing to do the chores that you're already doing, and Colby suggests the gals put on boxing gloves as they snipe about how to properly prepare the coconut. Jerri tries to wrestle the chopping knife from Shii Ann, "I can DO this! I used to be a bartender--and this is almost like chopping lemons and limes! Once, Ricky Martin came into my bar, and this was when he was, you know, RICKY MARTIN? I'm like, a professional chopper." Ethan delights in the tension between the two women, hoping it will save his skin. Colby has no use for either woman, "Shii Ann annoys me just as much as Jerri does--I'd have a hard time deciding between the two." Well Colby, you will soon be put of out of your misery...

COME INTO OUR PARTY BOAT, SAID SHAKIRA TO THE KATH

The Shakiran's get loaded on booze and then try to drive golf balls off the back to the boat. Chachi brags, "Ah was ahn duh State Champion golf team at mah high school." Uh...what!? Chachi, you ain't no tough guy if you were on the freaking GOLF team in high school, ya poseur. Chachi eventually flings the driver into the water by accident, prompting a sloshed Kath to dissolve in a fit of giggles. Big Tom goes off to fish and the other men make themselves scarce so the womenfolk can interrogate the softened-up Kath, who sings like a canary. It kind of reminded me of that scene in "Cold Mountain" where those scary hillbillies get Jude Law drunk and tempt him with their feminine wiles, all so they can turn him into the Confederates for being a deserter. It's a trap, Kath, IT'S A TRAP! Alicia is cautious, "She's tough and smart and I wouldn't expect her to tell us the whole truth." Kath tells them that she, Lex and Shii Ann tend to vote alike, which is true but not really earth-shattering. She doesn't tell them about Colby's unilateral decision to oust Hatch and how annoyed she was about it, etc.. Later, the gang shares some champagne, which Big Tom doesn't care for: "thar tuh main bubbles hinit." They dance some sort of Shakiran Unity Jig on the bow of the boat. Interestingly enough, Kath is included but Rupert and Jenna are off snoozing or something--are they still the odd men out?

COLBY'S CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST

We open with a shot of a spider, so we know that plotting is afoot. A nervous Ethan (who describes himself as "a jumbled puzzle") lobbies a very receptive Colby to eliminate Jerri tonight. Colby can't wait to drop the hammer on her, laughing, "I'll TELL her we're voting her out tonight--it's not like she'll be able to do anything about it! I assumed the moment Jerri joined this tribe that everyone's game plan would mirror mine and everyone would hate her and want her gone!" He assumes Lex's vote is in the bag. He continues to ramble to us, "I don't think "Survivor" is a game Jerri Manthey was meant to play. She has such a negative effect on people." Which may be true, but you're the one coming off like a cocky jerk at the moment, Colby.

Lex tells Colby he's onboard, but he's not. He informs us, "I came into the All-Stars wanting to play the came completely different than I did in Africa. I'm no longer being led by my gut. Oh, my gut is still a consultant, but my brain is the CEO: Chief Executive Organ. And my brain is telling me to lie a little in this game and take advantage of one of the GREATEST opportunities to shake-up the game in the HISTORY of The Game! I'm gonna do something that no one expects ol' Lex to do, ya dig?" He and Jerri take a walk, and Lex says ominously, "Ethan and Colby are gunning for you tonight, but that's not gonna happen. We're gonna do Colby tonight," as though ordering a hit on the handsome Texan. He goes on and on, "This may be our one and only opportunity to get rid of him--once we get to individual immunity, the guy's almost unbeatable--" "Lex, I've been fantasizing about voting out Colby for the last three years, I'm totally onboard!" Jerri interrupts. She tells us, "One of my goals in this game was to outlast Colby, so of course I'm all about this plan. I'd also like to make out with Jeff Probst and steal Rob from Amber--just to prove I can." Lex is worried about Shii Ann's vote, telling Jerri, "This vote could mean the difference between her lasting a long time in this game, and her going home really soon." Jerri replies, "Well, yeah, duh. She sucks." Lex give Shii Ann the 411 and she frets, "I was really looking forward to getting rid of that lazy-ass bitch, Jerri. And my biggest ally is on a yacht so I might have to, like, think for myself here, which really blows." Colby allows for the fact that Jerri might be Hatching a scheme, "It SHOULD be 4-1 Jerri tonight but Jerri is SOoooo evil that I wouldn't put it past her to try and cook up something if she feels her back's to the wall. That's another reason she's gotta go. Plus, this is a game of curveballs. Also, I'm being so arrogant right now...I've watched the show before, and sometimes when people get really arrogant, it turns out it's their turn to go home. But...naaaah."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff goads Ethan about blowing the race, an event that we viewers know is irrelevant to tonight's vote. Ethan again takes responsibility, adding, "I hated losing to Chachi." Jeff inquires about the animosity between the two tribes, and Colby also declares his hatred of Boston Rob. "He's just jealous because Ethan and I are so pretty, mind you, but yeah, we hate those guys. Co-existing with those slack-jawed yokels is not something I'm looking forward to," he says, unaware that he won't have to worry about that. Jeff goes a little overboard in mocking their belief that a merge is imminent, "You guys are already thinking a merge is gonna happen!? REALLY!?" Which makes me think a merge is about to happen.

Jerri claims that she votes for the person who she sees as her biggest threat in the game. Colby interrupts her to criticize, "I disagree with that lame strategy, woman! We're here because we lost! And it doesn't make any sense to cut our legs off right now and get rid of someone who can help us win the next challenge!" Which is a good point (Shii Ann certainly LOOKS swayed) but Colby is voting out Jerri because he hates her and he knows she hates him--so he's voting the same way she is. Then Shii Ann riles up Jerri when she tells Jeff that from a physical standpoint, she and Jerri are the weakest members of the tribe, "Sorry to speak for you," she adds and Jerri huffs, "Yeah, please don't." Then she cause a massive outbreak of eye-rolling when she insists, "I'm good at PUZZLES, I'm good at STRATAGIZING...I'm good at chopping things around camp...I'm an upbeat member of the tribe and I'm generally in a good mood except for the first five hours after I wake up and when Shii Ann is being bossy which is ALL THE TIME!" Shii Ann frowns, "Hey I'M the Asian member of this tribe and therefore I'M the one who's good at puzzles, okay?" She HAD to be rethinking voting out Colby at this point, even when she declares him the biggest physical threat in the game. Colby gets a LITTLE nervous, "Wow--jeepers, I can't believe that. Golly, that makes me feel a little vulnerable," he aw-shucks. C'mon, Colby, you won almost every single Immunity in Australia and everyone knows it (although so did Jenna in the Amazon, for all those players who're looking at the ladies as "non-threatening." Colby muses, "AM I the guy they gotta get rid of?" And yes, turns out he is.

Colby is downed 3-2, with Jerri cackling, "Is this a revenge vote? Hell yeah!" I think Colby was so caught up in being the Alpha male, he forgot that this is a game of numbers. It was poor game-playing on his part to attack Shii Ann, not fence-mend with Jerri and then assume that Lex and/or Ethan wouldn't desperately want him out of the game. Shii Ann was SO on the fence in this vote--had he not earlier given her a big lecture about how little respect he had for her "style," he would EASILY have gotten her to help him oust Jerri, whom she can't stand. Shii Ann said as much herself when she voted, "Instead of underestimating my powers, maybe you should analyze your own." Yup. Side Note: Doesn't Colby have the nicest handwriting? I'll miss it. Colby is suitably gracious in his exit speech.

POLL RESULTS

Well, I hope all of you who didn't answer the survey HATE Ethan, because he won my popularity contest :p Colby was next (sorry, Colbster fans). Alicia and Lex were close behind and tied for third and then Shii Ann, Rupert and Jerri each got one vote. I'm proud that no one voted for Chachi or Big Tom. I'm sure Kath and Rupert were hurt by recent events.

Tonight, assuming no merge (we usually merge at 10 and there's still 11 people in the game, it would really stun me if they merged on an odd number) I think Ethan is out with the Eggos, while the Shakira's are either going to dump Alicia or...Rupert? I think Jenna is clearly the weakest physical link but that's in her favor if everyone is looking ahead to a merge. My hope would be that the Chachi and Amber nookie would spur the tribe to dump one of them, but none of them seem savvy enough to use the Big Brother mantra and "Break Up the Couples." They SHOULD, but they won't. The commercials imply a merge but I'm thinking they're gonna do what they did in the Amazon and switch the tribes (using team captains) one more time and then merge after a week or two...or three...or four...

"Yes, I lied, but I lied to Jerri, so that's alright." Colby Donaldson, 2001

Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 8.6 Survivor All-Creeps

Wow. I think many of us may have to forget this one ever happened if we want to root for out faves--what a bunch of emotionally stunted jerks. Let's get through this, shall we?

WHAT INCIDENT? I DON'T REMEMBER AN INCIDENT...

We start with the depressed and clueless Eggos lamenting last night's ouster of Richard Hatch. The Eggos don't seem to be aware of what happened to Sue on the course--which is confirmed later. Jerri explains how Hatch was trying to save himself up to the last minute and that Kath told her to vote him out right before they left for Tribal Council. Kath, Shii Ann and Jerri bathe and discuss the vote. Kath tells them that she's still peeved at Colby's making a unilateral decision rather than discussing it with her in committee. Jerri grossly exaggerates, "He's now the Richard Hatch of the tribe!!" Oh Jerri, we know you want him gone, but that dog won't hunt. Kath scoffs at the idea of Colby trying to sway her with an argument about loyalty after he engineered Hatch's demise despite the original Eggo alliance. Kath marvels, "I saved Colby's ass," and Shii Ann nods, "You're so powerful right now." And boy does Kath know it. She is very aware that Jerri and Shii Ann followed HER lead on the Hatch/Colby vote. She explains to us that she decided to side with Colby because of Lex--she knew that if she had to come back to camp having ousted Colby without consulting Lex, he would have perceived it as a betrayal and he'd have gone nuts. Smart move on Kath's part--I always bitch about how these people clearly don't pay attention to past episodes of the show, but Kath remembers how T-Bird's one little throwaway vote in Africa sent Lex into a paranoid state that lasted the rest of the game. Shii Ann tells us, "Kath is the biggest power-player in the game--if no one is noticing that, than she is one good player. Of course I noticed it because I'm Asian, so I notice EVERYTHING." Survivor is a game of shifting power however. Just because Kath had all kinds of power in this vote doesn't necessarily mean she will in the next.

At Shakira, Rupert is marveling over his magnificent fishing spear--ah, old lovers reunited. Big Tom barbles, "Rupe en Jenna thay puh theh presh on me tail yeh theh troith ah lahk ol' Rupe he's kiyna lahk may--easy gone nuthin; don' bother 'im. Hay cud easily tayk mah plaice." Of course Tom likes Rupert--he's a MAN. Tom likes men, and he likes looking at women. Rupert is all fired up about becoming the provider, since no one at SHakira can fish. I've said it MANY times before, but I must say it again: what the hell else is there to do on a deserted isalnd BUT learn to fish if you're starving? I don't even like fish but I'd be out there with the spear, trying to jab things with it. The only providing going on is by Soo, who we see scraping snails off of rocks while Chachi lays around nearby and Rupert dives for fish. Hr frets, "Soo's playing her own game, providing those snails which I think most everybody DOES eat." The advantage of being in the provider role is completely lost of Stoppid Soo who complains, "Ever'one eats these noh which pisses me aaahf cuz I dohn' eat their rice!" Big Tom and Chachi laze about and mock Rupert's efforts to get them food. Chachi giggles, "Grizzly Adams out dair tryin' tuh pretend he's a big man. He only caught one little fish duh whole time 'e's been 'ere. He has a work ethic--ain't dat hilarious?" Then he does his whole godfathuh routine YET again, about how Rupert will remain until Chachi wishes it otherwise. Behold the power of the Knucklehead.

GOOD KING COLBY

Shii Ann didn't miss Colby's comments at Tribal Council about people "coasting" and how they weren't gonna get away with it. She confronts him in a very non-combative way and gets an earful from the power tripping cowboy, who tells her, "It's very easy to sit here in the tent before Tribal Council and wait for me to tell you how to vote. I didn't respect that style of play last time and since I was a second-place finisher, I obviously know what I'm talking about, Shii-Ann. I do national commercials--I was on "Curb Your Enthusiasm", okay? My Q ratings are through the ROOF, whereas people were probably asking each other, who the hell is Shii Ann, okay? Last night I, the Colbster, was on the chopping block because I was noble enough to take on the leadership role and I was the one to lie to Hatch's face and I was the one who became the "bad guy." Someone like YOU doesn't ever have to lie because you don't make a decision !" Then he pontificates for the camera, "It's easy for the inferior players to sit in the tent and wait for the Team Captain--that's me--to tell you who to vote for. That's an easy game to play but that's not how I play. I'm an Alpha Male, dagnabit! I'm an athlete and a competitor and a leader and a spokesmodel! I have no respect for anyone who doesn't play the exact same game I do." Colby, I love ya, but you're being a pompous ass and it IS going to cost you the game. There are many ways to play and win the game of Survivor and they're all perfectly valid (so long as you don't assault anyone). Shii Ann tunes out Colby as he drones on about how everyone has to play and that it takes more than just writing a name on a piece of parchment--there's more to it than that. Shii Ann labels him "Captain America," but only behind his back. She's too smart to let him know how irritated she is by his condescending lecture. What's especially galling about Colby's attitude is Shii Ann voted to SAVE IS ASS the previous night (which Colby must have SOME awareness of since he just lamented how he had been on the chopping block)! He's criticizing her for voting the way he wanted her too. Very short-sighted, our Colby. The girls all resent him and the guys are all threatened by his physical ability. Good luck, partner.

SHAKY SHAKIRA

At Shakira, Rupert is now gushing about how great it would be if they could merge at 7-4 or 7-5 and just eat up the Eggo's and just be happy happy Shakira until the bitter end. Rupert REALLY overly invests in these silly Tribal Families, don't he? The Old Shakirans are bemused by his enthusiasm, since they aren't quite sure what to do with him. "We're just sitting back trying to see if Rupert and Jenna fit in with us," explains Alicia, who like Colby is too busy being a "leader" to realize SHE'S the one her tribe is looking to boot. The Shakiran's wonder who was ousted last night and a hopeful but game-dumb Rupert says, "I think it's Jerri." Big Tom hopes it's Hatch and Alicia seconds that emotion. Eager to please Rupert then echoes, "Oh, yeah, that's be my first priority too!" Soo hopes that regardless of the vote, "they" talk to him about "what he did," which is the first mention in the episode about the sexual assault. She goes on to say she thinks all the millionaires should be ousted first and that if the Eggo's punted Hatch, she'll give them all hugs. She's all business as usual...

The next day, Sue is clearly not herself. She's quiet (!!!!) and off by herself. She sighs, 'The nights here are really long, like 12 hours long. I kept flashing back, I could feel him naked," she starts to cry, "I started tuh feel real bad. Why'd he have to touch me!? He didn't touch nobody else! Why didn't he just walk by me?" All good questions. Another GREAT question is why isn't Jeff sent over the island RIGHT NOW to talk to Sue? Instead, Mark Burnett and TPTB decide to just keep the cameras rolling. Remember, this isn't some "he said, she said" scenario--they HAVE the tape and I'm sure they'd watched it dozens of times. They know that Hatch intentionally rubbed against her while he was naked and that he made a lewd comment as he did so. There's no gray area here. In truth, they should have long ago insisted that Hatch wear pants during the challenges (he wasn't naked NEARLY as much in the first season as he was this time) but when you see all the mileage they milk out of "that wacky naked guy" or "those crazy girls stripping for peanut butter and chocolate" you see how they let it get out of control. Something like this was inevitable and I think that while we may not hear about it, subsequent Survivors will be given a stricter code of conduct to adhere to.

ANYWAY, Amber asks Alicia whassup with Sue and Alicia explains, "I think the more she thinks about it, the more she's upset by it. Today she was like, "My husband's gonna find out about this...this is not a good scenario fuh her." Amber frowns, "She probably wants to be alone right now...right? PLEASE tell me she wants to be alone." Alicia sighs and goes to talk to her teammate. She tells us, "Sue was not herself. She didn't realize how much she was affected by what happened to her." Bless her heart, she's the only one who really bothers to talk to Sue about what she's feeling. When Soo frets about what the tribe thinks, Alicia soothes "It's affecting us because it's affecting you but we're more worried about you." Yeah. Right. A shamed Sue sobs, "I've had one partner in 20 years and I never thought aboat kissin' nobody else!" Alicia counsels, "This is not your fault. Just get it all out." Later, Alicia complains that she was inadequate to the task of helping Sue, but you know what? She tried and that's more than anyone else can say. Bastards. Alicia then to explain Soo's feelings to Chachi and Amber, Chachi responds, "Dis is anothuh uh dem sitooations: is she f---in' around tryin' to get some money or is she really hurtin? It's too serious a situation not to give uh duh benefit uh duh doubt." Which will last all of a few hours. He can't decide if she's really hurt or is she's looking to "cash in on a huge payday." Hey, how about both? Amber lamely speculates, "I think the more time she's had to think about it, the worse it seems because there's like, nothing to do out here? If this happened anywhere except Survivor, and she could like, watch TV afterwards? I bet it totally wouldn't be as big a deal." REALLY? I think it would be a much bigger deal if it happened at the church picnic or the office barbeque, actually. For one, Hatch would have been in violation of the law the second he took his pants off in public. A (male) security guard at a Marilyn Manson concert very recently settled with the singer over a very similar assault. Oh, and I'll bet if this had happened to YOU, Princess Amber, you'd be a puddle of rage right now and everyone would be on your side. Gah! >:I I don't like Sue either and I don't miss her but that is not the issue!

IT GETS WORSE

Then we see Rupert asking Soo if she's okay and we all get happy because Rupert counsels kids in trouble, so he must have some empathy at least...but no. Rupert blames the victim, "She could have handled it differently, she could have cried "foul" at the time. Instead she just dais, "Oh that's gross." Then she thinks about it, processes it and comes up with her own agenda." Whatever, Rupert. People have delayed reactions to traumatic events. It doesn't invalidate them. Hasn't this happened to eneryone? Someone says something or does something and it's only hours or days or sometimes even YEARS later that we realize, "Hey...that was really hurtful." Or we laugh something off because we don't want to look weak but after we think about we wish we'd stood up for ourselves? Crimes that don't go reported are still crimes, right? Right.

Then we get piggy Tom (who has expended all the "teaching kids to read" good will I gave him last week) saying something like, "If'n et wes up tuh ol jemp cat ah say putta fark inner she's done." THIS HAPPENED, TOM. It doesn't matter whether you like her or not, it really, really, actually happened. It's on tape. And I hope that when something similar happens to one of the women in your life (because the odds are very good that it will, I'm afraid) they are treated with compassion and respect by SOMEBODY. Which is possible since, as you said when you were criticizing Jenna for flying back to her dying mother, not everyone is like Big Tom. THANK GOD. And let's not forget that this is a game with a million dollar purse at stake and Sue's ability to play the game at HER highest level was interfered with by a player acting out-of-bounds which does affect her chances of winning, damn it. I hope she got AT LEAST a million bucks from CBS--it's chump change. The show is very cheap to produce (no credited writers, an entire cast that makes less during the entire run of the season than Ray Ramano makes after two episodes of his show) and makes boatloads of money in advertising. Also--we live in a litigious society. When something bad happens to people we know, we say 'You should sue, dude." It's almost an expression of affection in our culture. The fact that someone is looking to get paid doesn't negate what happened to them. In Sue's case, I think it's very clear that she was violated by a contestant whom the Producers failed to control (if anything they encouraged his bad behavior) and that they woefully mishandled the situation. Cha. Ching.

OH YEAH, THE OTHER TRIBE

Jerri doesn't become evil, but she DOES return to Australia form, torturing her tribe with talk of unattainable food items as she prepares an imaginary grocery list (this was an actual pastime in the Outback, if you recall). Lex hangs on her every word as she flirts and talks of chocolate while Shii Ann and Kath lay nearby communicate their Jerri-hate through sign language. In the Outback, Jerri and Colby and Amber would do this for hours and Jerri INSISTED that when people talk about food, they're really talking about sex, which still seems silly to me since they actually WERE starving for food at the time. At least Jerri doesn't sing any Fiona Apple songs. Shii Ann laments the loss of Richard Hatch, the Mighty Hunter--but it turns out, she's not the only one who's been flying under the radar. Lex and Ethan go out fishing and it turns out that Lex is a fisherman as well. He shrugs, "Hey, man, I didn't fish while Hatch was here cuz like, I didn't want it to be like, a competitive thing man. Too much bad energy, man. Plus it's always good to play things close to the vest when you're playing the Game, man. Survivor. Dig it." Ethan lets his old Africa-Alliance pal do all the work and when they return to camp, Lex makes a big show of laying out the fish one by one while everyone ooohs and aaaahs--hey, that's not playing it "close to the vest," you big dork. Colby is impressed, "Lex is a competitor--this is not his first rodeo, as we say in Texas. Which is where I'm from in case you forgot. Texas. Anyway, I'm like, "Wow, I'm competing against Lex." Yes, Colby, and by the way, you're also competing against Shii Ann and Kath and Jerri, even though you don't take them very seriously. Then Lex tells us, "I think I have the favor of the girls right now, and if I can feed them there's no reason for them to keep the others around." Yup, Colby's doomed. Later, Jerri and Lex pledge their loyalty to one another over tree mail. Jerri out-Morgan's Morgan when she hyperboles "I'm 150 THOUSAND percent behind you. I adore you! You were so crazy in Africa that Christine came to hate you more than she ever did me and she swore that was impossible!" Lex muses, "I think Jerri was being genuine when she was gushing about how great I am--I mean, I'm Lex! I'm so freaking cool, what's not to love? But make no mistake, I'll do whatever I have to in order to win--as I say every episode, it's BUSINESS this time." I like how all the losers are acting like maybe they were just having "too much fun" to win their first time around. Hey, you know what? You Lost. It was business last time too and Hatch, Tina, Ethan, Vecepia, Porn Star Brian, Rich Jenna and Sandra beat your butts fair and square.

SHAKIRA STUFF SANS SUE

Chachi and his First Lady Amber have decided to rope Poor Jenna and Rupert into a contingency alliance, just to prevent them from siding with anyone else. Amber gleefully explains, "We've convinced then that we're on the outs, which is like SOOOO funny since we're like, controlling everything? But anyways, we're gonna tell them that we need them to survive even tough we TOTALLY don't. Jenna is more than eager to sign on, "I want to be with you guys at the end anyway because you're young and dump and pretty like me!" Chachi says of Rupert, "Rupaht's got dis squeaky clean image an' attitude...dere's somethin' about him ah just don' trust. So I formed an alliance wit' him," he grins, so proud of his wickedness, the little bastard. Rupert is hesitant to trust but desperate to belong, so he signs on. He tells us, "Well, I couldn't trust ANYONE in the beginning...but after a whole 16 days I KNOW I can trust Jenna and I hope I can trust Amber and Boston Rob--because apparently I've learned nothing from trusting Jonny Fairplay or indeed from watching Survivor:Marquesas, where Rob lied to everyone and bragged about it. Nope, not me." Then Chachi has the audacity to extol the virtues of LOYALTY, "If we stick togethuh an' nobody gets greedy, we can go all the way tuh the Final Four and den it's every man fer himself." Chachi tells us that he has now formed an alliance with everyone in the tribe except Soo and Alicia and that maybe he'll continue on with Rupert and Jenna or maybe they'll just be the sacrificial lambs they feared they might be when they first got here, "I have tuh see what's goin' on. It's my game, buddy," he cackles. Hold me! I'm scared! <:0

REWARD MELTDOWN

The Shakiran's are rhapsodizing about what they might get in the reward challenge. Rupert is lusting for seasons and a grill while lushy lightweight Amber wants more booze. Chachi opines, "As good as duh rice is, it's terrible. Weah stahvin' ovuh 'ere." Sue refuses to eat and everyone's worried...about themselves. Big Tom things she should "suck it up" while Rupert criticizes her for pursuing her own agenda instead of that of his precious tribe (all of whom are plotting against him, except MAYBE Poor Jenna. Maybe. Alicia continues to be the goodwill ambassador for Shakira, insisting, "We support her 100%...but we're worried." Okay Alicia, I'd like to believe you but trust me, that ain't no 100%.

The two tribes show up for the Reward Challenge and Shakira sees that Richard hatch is gone. Rupert smiles and Amber purrs, "Good move." Then Jeff decides to bring up the little matter of the little no-big-deal-right? incident that had happened at the last challenge, saying breezily, "Before we get to today's challenge I want to address something that happened yesterday...Sue, Richard Hatch sorta being inappropriate?" Oh, Jeff. If you're gonna bring it up at all, why with the "sorta"? The Eggos are perplexed, having no idea (apparently) what Sue is even talking about as Sue laces into Jeff, "I was sexually violated, Jeff! He crossed a line, Jeff! I was humiliated and dehumanized and I am done with the f---ing game, Jeff!" Despite his earlier glibness, Jeff now seems very contrite and genuinely concerned about Sue, though I'm baffled because we know they watch tape. He not only saw the incident, he probably saw some of her crying etc--he would at least know about it, right? I mean he knew enough to bring it up...or is that just from watching tape of the actual challenge? Anyway, Jeff tries to facilitate a discussion and asks the agog Eggo's if they saw what happened and they are all very adamant in their denial. Colby though says that he saw it and tries to offer sympathy by way of acknowledging how horrible it is to live with a guy who's aggressively naked all the time but Soo shuts him down--he TOUCHED her, that's the point here. Jeff wonders if she can get passed it now that Rich is gone (no thanks to CBS and Burnett). Sue says no, she's spent, and Jeff immediately calls to have a boat brought in to fetch her. Mercifully, he doesn't ask her if she can make it to Tribal Council like he did with Jenna. Shii Ann reaches out to Sue and tells her how sorry she feels over the whole thing. The women of Shakira give Sue a big hug while the men pout. Jeff gives her a hug as he escorts her to the boat. "Boy, is that discouraging," Kath mutters.

BIG DENIAL REWARD CHALLENGE

When Jeff returns to the Very Awkward Scene at the Beach, he asks the gang to decide whether they should either just split the reward and have a good old fashioned 1970's "rap session" about their feelings, or whether they should just play on like nothing happened. Kath says, "Feelings are bad, let's just play," and frowns bitterly and when Poor Jenna disagrees, "I think we should split the reward and try to heal the bad feelings between our two tribes." The Eggo's are insistent, "We need to have some NORMALCY, God Damn It! We're gonna have FUN right now if it kills us! Rah!" The bullied Shakirians dejectedly agree and so the game goes on. The game involves jumping on a plank to get food items in a basket. Winner gets sugar, pineapples, coffee, oranges, nuts, beef, filet mignon shish kabobs, a grill and some utensils. It's a relay style race, so no team can move on until each person succeeds in getting their item in the basket. Poor Jenna sucks and single-handedly loses for Shakira. Maybe her desire NOT to play the game was based on a psychic premonition? At any rate, The Eggos jump up and down and celebrate while the demoralized Shakirans absorb the fact that they've effectively just lost both a Reward and an Immunity Challenge. America is still too uncomfortable to give a damn one way or the other :I That challenge was not fun.

FOOD RULES! FEELINGS SUCK!

The Eggos all delight in the glory of BEEF--it's what's for dinner! Even vegetarian Ethan takes part, drooling, "I wanted to rub my face it, I wanted to sleep next to it!" Hmmm. Okay, maybe they ARE talking about sex when they're talking about food. Someone wonders if they should've just split the prize. Lex insists, "No, they wanted to play." I actually do think it would be odd for Shakira to hold any ill will toward the Eggos considering they ousted Hatch even without knowing what he'd done to Sue. Everyone's glad that they voted him out or the Very Awkward Scene would have been yet even more uncomfortable than it was. Kath insists, "Richard would have been mortified--he DOES have a soul." *crickets chirping* *crickets chirping* *lone wolf howling* Shii Ann tells us, "I KNOW Richard Hatch--he wouldn't go and purposefully sexually violate someone." Okay, well, you don't know him because that's what he did. Though in fairness to the Eggos this IS a He Said, She Said for most of them, and they KNOW Hatch and they don't know Sue. So I'll cut them a little slack since they haven't seen what happened yet. Shii Ann does feel compassion for Sue's humiliation, which is more than can be said for those on her own team. Then we go to Krazy Kath, who I must now, reluctantly, dub Kold Kath, who says with Martha Stewart calm, "That was hard for us to hear. I don't like her for it, I'm sorry. [which is one of those "I'm not sorry at all" sorry's] I know she went through a lot. Still. You have to learn how to control your emotions. That's what mother and father always said: Kathy, don't cry out loud. Keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings...oh wait, that's a Melissa Manchester song. Still. I'm a big fan of suppression and sublimation. And to bring us that far into her core of hatred...I didn't like it, just like I don't like strong feeling of any kind, really. We frown on those in New England. That may be mean-spirited, but that's how I feel." So...are we caring about other people's feelings or not? I realize that the Eggo's were blindsided at the Challenge--they had NO IDEA what was about to happen. I also know that many people are uncomfortable with emotional outbursts--heck, I even know that I'm one of them! But there's a way to express that without being ANGRY at Sue for being a wreck. Hey Kath--while you're controlling your emotions, you might want to work on your mouth.

ONE LAST BURST OF SHAKIRAN SCUMDOM

Sue's gone and Rupert blames her departure on her greed--because this is all about HIM and his pathetic devotion to his LATEST tribe. He claims Soo told him she was looking to sue Hatch for 10 million dollars (good). What's dumb about they're anger is every single one of them got a gift just a few days earlier when Jenna left the Eggo's one man down so in a way, this is like the game correcting itself. Chachi tries to rally the troops and insists they can still go in six strong and kick-ass until the end, so they all pledge their loyalty to one another--Yeah, sure. The next day, Rupert returns with tree mail informing them that there's no Immunity Challenge and the tribe has a tongue-in-cheek moment of silence for the departed Sue. Then Chachi sings a dreadful version of "Ding, Dong, The Witch is Dead" from the Wizard of Oz while Big Tom does one of his redneck jigs, taunting Sue all the while. The once picked-on fat kid, Rupert, is just so happy to be in with "cool kids" Chachi and Tom (what a scary universe Survivor is) that he laughs and giggles right along with them. Alicia is the only one who's disturbed by all this, saying, "It was pretty crummy. We lost a member, a strong member--Sue was like a GUY. She was hardcore in the challenges and like her or not, she'll be missed." Meanwhile, Amber sparkles, "We are the happy tribe! Leave it to us to take something as seriously as a sex-crime and turn it into something funny! Man, the fun we would have had with Jenna's Mom's cancer! We're the tribe that "Keeps it Together!" I'd put that on shirts if I had a steam-iron here and some iron-ons. At Shakira, yeah, we have lows. But we focus on the highs." Kath would be so proud. Then the girls whip up some vittles and Chachi grins and toasts, "Rice--dis is wot Survivuh's all about!" Rice, and being a total bastard. And that's how it ends--Sue gets no send of at the end--I guess you could count Alicia's extolling her manly virtues if you wanted to. Sigh. I was just glad when this hour was over :(

POLLS ARE STILL OPEN...

Hey, you can still vote for who you're pulling for to win it all--pretty please? You can also change your answer if you were especially turned off by your previous pick (shame you can't do that in all elections). I'm switching from Kold Kath to Alicia, even though I think Alicia's doomed. Thanks to those who have already answered the question.

CRAP!

I forgot to pimp my birthday in my last review--I have always pimped my birthday in my reviews, going back to my X-Files recapping days! Well, it was my 33rd birthday on Monday the 8th--YAY ME! :D You know what's the perfect thing to give me? An answer to the poll question...you know you want to.

Tonight, unless everything changes (which it might), I think either Colby or Alicia is going home, with a possibility of Ethan or Jenna. I hope they don't let ousted players back in the game, but I'd love another tribe switch-a-roo, if only to unseat Chachi form his throne of smugness :)

"But if I should ever pass you along in life again, and you were laying there, dying of thirst, I would not give you a drink of water. I would let the vultures take you and do whatever they want with you, with no ill regrets."

Sue Hawk, 2000
Peace Out! :D Christine

Survivor 8.5 Ding Dong the Rich is Dead :D :D :D :D :D :D

Which old Rich? The Wicked Rich! Ding Dong the wicked Rich is dead! I remember back in 2000, when all this Survivor madness began, Jen telling me that one of the Sacramento radio stations had dubbed in "Richard the Turd." This time around, he never quite reached the state of Machiavellian manipulation that made him a star last time, but it's still great to be rid of him. But as usual, I'm waaaaay ahead of myself...

MOGO ROW THE BOAT ASHORE

A honking pile of bamboo is left at each team's mail box, demanding to be used to build a raft for the next reward challenge. The Shakira's arrive singing and holding hands (no, really!). Soo looks at the wood and tactfully barks, "Tahm, you're faaat, soh yuh should sih ow this one." At Yogi, Rupert is all for a high-concept catamaran, which makes Jerri nervous, "It sounds great in theory...but last time we let Rupert design something it sucked." Rupert is trying to look past the shelter fiasco, and is convinced that their raft will "fly." At Leggo my Eggo, Hatch suggests a more Bauhaus raft: who cares what it looks like, if they just tie all fore piles of bamboo together, the raft will never sink and that's really all that matters. The tribe is too weary to argue. Unlike Rupert, Hatch has no illisions about the raft's speed, "It will float, but it won't be swift." The cocky Shakira's are naturally convinced that theirs is the bestest boat that ever was. Alicia stride up to designated-restee Big Tom and tells him, "That raft is gonna win us the challenge!" Tom slurs, "Yup thehs uh nice rack--raft." Then he blathers to the rest of the tribe that their boat is "the best build thing since Alicia." Soo confides, "If ah could voht anyone oat it'd be Tahm. He's a stupid klutzy drunk an' ah don' care fer him an' his sexual innuendo ain't funny." Kinda impressed that Soo whipped out "innuendo," even though there's nothing remotely indirect about Tom's bawdy comments. Big Tom is anxious to christen the boat with a little dash of whisky, but Soo beats him too it when she pees on the boat first, prompting Tom to spit, "Kiss muh ass, whuhtta hayg!" Watching Big Tom and Stoopid Soo argue is kinda like an episode of "Cops." Despite Big Tom's pervy ways, I always have in the back of my mind that when he watched himself on "Survivor Africa," he was embarrassed that he couldn't spell and thus committed himself to being a better reader and set up a program in his town to encourage little kids to enjoy reading and spelling. It's pretty hard to hate him after that.

The tribes gather on Reward Beach, and the Yogi's and Eggo's are stunned to see that Smart Rob was voted out. Hatch is bummed--not only because Soo is still there, but because he had some time ago anointed Rob as the second coming of Hatch *massive eye roll*. Jeff casually informs the gang that they are playing for fish hooks, a spear (that shoots, not just the pointy sticks they've fashioned) the clues...oh and BY THE WAY, the last place tribe will be dissolved and absorbed into the other two tribes. There is much gasping. The rafts start off with two paddlers, who must pick up the other two from pontoons in the water, then pick up a flag, then race to shore. Despite his dire warning, Hatch's ugly but functional boat carries the day and the Eggo's to an easy victory, while the Yogi's stylish out-rigger is yet another disaster. Jeff is a little to eager to point this out, shouting several times from shore, "Yogi has the best looking boat, but it's the least-effective! Rupert fails yet AGAIN!" The Eggo's first-place finish means they'll get first pick of the loser Yogi's, and Colby and Kath want to choose Ethan so that they can vote out the athletic millionaire. Everyone applauds the now-extinct Yogi tribe as they fold into a goodbye group hug. The Eggo's pick Ethan, Shakira picks Rupert, the Eggo's pick Jerri and Jenna is last and defaults to Shakira. *insert montage of the many trials and failures of the doomed Yogi's here*

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

At the new Eggo tribe, Colby is quite pleased with himself, thank you very much, "We are now in control of dismantling the Yogi tribe. That's why we wanted Ethan--now we can dispose of that competitive son of a gun. We picked Jerri because we wanted someone who we figured hadn't bonded at all with Ethan and Jerri's a bitch so she's the natural choice. They are on the outside of our tribe looking in." But it's never QUITE that simple in Survivor, and that's how we like it :D Jerri and Ethan ooh and aah over the Eggo's Tree House: "Oh My God! You can actually, like, LIVE in it!?" Ethan is philosophical about the change, "I feel I've had to start over every day here--it's all been one big first day for me." Jerri for one is thrilled to longer be a loser Yogi, "I don't miss Yogi and Rupert's crazy ideas and Jenna's insessant nattering--not even a little bit. And even though that sounds vaguely bitchy, it's also kinda understandable considering all that's happened and so you STILL can't write me as evil Christine and you know it! You hate me but you know it! Bwah ha ha ha hah!!" Grrrr! >:I The next day it is Jerri who gets a little new tribe love when she finds the key to the rice box. Sadly, the Eggo's didn't keep it dry enough (which is odd considering they have a TREE HOUSE) and half their rice is rotted away. Colby reminds us, "I've run out of rice once before, and the consequences are NOT good. I had to give up my Texas flag!" Hatch won't fish until low-tide, so Ethan asks permission to go at high tide. Hatch can't help but praise savvy Ethan, "He's always playing the game, trying not to step on my toes, 'Oh, I'll go fishing when you AREN'T," Oh he's goooood." Ethan catches his first fish, which prompts a jealous Hatch to go out and catch several giant fish. Kath giggles, "Hey, if the guys wanna fight about how many fish they bring in? ROCK ON!" Everyone heaps praise onto a playing-it-cool hatch, while Ethan shakes his head in Charlie Brown "I got a rock" disbelief. Welcome to the world the rest of us live in, fair Ethan.

At Shakira, Poor Jenna whines, "This sucks because I was calling all the shots at Yogi--I had complete control over who got voted out." News to us. Rupert and Poor Jenna ooh and aah over the House that Chachi Built, "Oh My God! You can actually LIVE in it!?" Or was Rupert very humorously comments, "Our camp was Hobo Junction and there's is the Taj Mahal." We aren't shown any Shakiran plotting to oust the newbies, just Alicia's confident, "We're gonna take the green team DOWN!"

IMMUNITY LIMERICK, OR WHY DOESN'T RICHARD GO BY "DICK"?

There once was a big creep named Rich
in clothes terms he preferred not a stitch
but in picking on Sue
He went well beyond "eww"
I'm with her even though she's a bitch

The tribe learns that the next Immunity Challenge will involve wrestling matches and the guys get all testosteroney. Hatch predicts, "I think we will win and if we don't? Who cares? There's a LOT of people to get rid of." Hee hee hee. Indeed. Colby reminds us that now that there's only two teams, second place is no good. I'm glad you're here to tell us these things, Colby. Actually, even though he's veering into "Colbster" territory (his self-appointed nickname in Australia....yeah.) he's just so darned cute I don't even mind him telling me the obvious. What's that Colby? The sky is BLUE you say? Super!

So, the game involves traversing a series of balance beams, picking up some flags (flags, flags it's always FLAGS), bringing them back, first one to 20 wins. You really can time it so that you never engage anyone in the Kill Zone, where you have to wrestle over a vat of water and the first one to hit the water loses. Chachi is of course the first one to force the issue, planting himself at the battle bridge rather than speeding though the course, just so he can take on Ethan. He loses, but Ethan bonks his head on the side of the pool and America gasps in horror <:o but he's Okay and his beautiful face is still intact. Whew! :p Hatch defeats Poor Jenna, but falls later on the course and then decides it's time to go naked again. Chachi speaks for the nation when he groans, "Aw, come ON." Big Tom and Amber both perform amazing feats of balancing. Then cantankerous Soo decides she wants to fight it out with Hatch so rather than come back with the flag, she plants herself in his path--but she doesn't do it at the right place, she's not on the Battle Bridge. So Hatch scoots past her and as he does, he rubs his naked penis against her and leers, "Want some?" Jeff chastises both players, "Break it up--nobody's interested in that stuff," and the game goes on as though nothing all that bad had happened. Apparently Soo's gonna let Jeff have it over this in the next episode and good, because what Hatch did was not only disgusting, it was actually criminal. It actually was some form of sexual assault--I don't know the legal definitions but what he did is certainly actionable in the real world (and goodness knows, people have been kicked off the REAL WORLD for doing far less). Some of you guys may think I'm over reacting, but imagine if your wife or girlfriend or sister was at the grocery store and some guy walked up and did this to them. I think most of you would not only be unamused, you'd be violently angry and looking to stomp the creep. I realize that there are different rules in sports than in the world (even most football KICKERS would be guilty of assault otherwise) but while no one's ever smacked anyone on Survivor, I'd wager it's grounds for getting the boot (Jonny Not Funny implied this last season when he spoke of TRYING to get Shawn to deck him). Why should this be different?

I guess what drives me nuts about this is that for some reason, Hatch gets a free pass on all his bad behavior because he's some kind of Reality Icon. We're supposed to believe he's just a funny naked fat guy even when he TELLS us that he truly doesn't give a crap about anybody but himself. We're not supposed to believe that he emotionally abuses his son (though forcing a 12 year-old to run for miles because he's "overweight" doesn't sound healthy to me), were not supposed to be alarmed that he assaulted his boyfriend ( didn't he throw him down a flight of stairs or something?)--boys will be boys. Well, domestic violence is domestic violence, I say. And we're supposed to think it's funny when he takes his clothes off, and we're supposed to think that everyone else is uptight to be bothered by it. But he's not a "wacky nudist." He doesn't take his clothes off to be comfortable, he does it to be threatening. Every thing about the guy SCREAMS "I have an anti-social personality disorder! Screw you!" Making someone touch your naked sex organ when you don't want to touch them is REALLY WRONG. And I think that Jeff and Burnett don't see this because Hatch is gay and in their homophobic minds, a gay man's penis is NOT potent therefore it can NOT be threatening...and, since he's, you know, queer...well, that means that when Hatch rubs it against a WOMAN, it's not sexual, therefore...it's not inappropriate. It makes no sense, but how else do you explain Jeff and the producer's inaction? If Chachi took off HIS shorts in the middle of this challenge, and then went on to rub HIS penis against, say, Jerri or hell, HATCH himself while he made a lewd come-on, he would be GONE and this would be all over the news--like that guy who got kicked off Big Brother for drunkenly threatening to stab somebody. But it's just Hatch being Hatch so "no foul, play on". Gag me. Okay, enough amateur psychology and ranting :) Shakira goes on to kick the Eggo's asses. Chachi takes on Colby and wins (Jeff calls it "East Coast versus West Coast" even though Massachusetts and Texas both have East coasts). Chachi is so good at the game that the Shakira's then all intentionally jump of the course so he can take their last turn. Kath gives a valiant effort in trying to knock him into the drink, but Chachi is victorious and Shakira wins immunity.

MAKE NEW FRIENDS, SCREW OVER THE OLD

A triumphant Shakira exults in their win--especially because Hatch was crying foul over their strategic decision to jump off the course to give Chachi the final turn. Everyone agrees that what Richard did to Soo was disgusting. Chachi boasts about his athletic prowess, "Ah may not be as strong as evahbudy, but ahm tuffuh den all uh dem. Colby? He's not as tough as ya tink, ladies." Yeah, whatever Chachi, but it turns out that not all of us ladies are in the market for a vainglorious meathead Red Sox fan, go figure.

No one's talking about Rich's distasteful display at Leggo my Eggo. Colby and Ethan bond over their mutual dislike of "excuses" and their manly acceptance of defeat! Argh! Colby bemusedly tells us, "In this game, the more you think, the more you strategize, the more your gut will tell you something different then what you already decide to do." Sadly, we don't get to hear Lex discuss what his "All-Powerful Gut" is telling HIM these days. Just like I KNOW Jerri is evil, I KNOW Lex is crazy...deep in MY GUT, I know it! Colby tells Ethan that HE wants to eliminate "snake in the grass" Richard, "He's a cancer, and if we give him time he will fester and spread." Ethan blurts, "Don't we need his strength to win these competitions?" Shhh, Ethan, your butt's being saved here, don't fight it! Ethan IS very cleverly playing Colby the way he did Lex AND Big Tom in Africa--more than happy to be the Executive Officer to Colby's Captain America, more than happy to let him believe he's calling all the shots. Colby snorts, "No, we can do it without him...he thinks we're dropping you tonight so...we'll just go on letting him think that." Ethan is wisely worried that Colby may just be playing him. Then both men agree not to fight over me, and that I will ultimately be the one to decide between them....

Colby and Ethan and Lex tell Jerri to vote out Hatch but to tell Hatch she's voting out Ethan. Jerri agrees but she's not happy about it, "It makes no sense for me to team up with these strong guys who'll kick my ass in any challenge!" Colby lies right to Hatch's face, telling him that Ethan is too much of a physical threat to keep around, plus with Ethan gone, Colby will be the undisputed prettiest! Hatch sounds kind of pathetic and desperate when he frets, "Well, I gotta believe you!" Later, Lex tells Kath and Shii Ann that the vote has turned from Ethan to Lex. Both women wonder why and I yelled, "Because Ethan didn't sexually molest anyone during the Immunity Challenge!" but they didn't hear me. They tell Lex they're onboard, but are both of the opinion that this is a terrible mistake--especially for them as it leaves three physically strong men in the tribe whom they feel they can't beat once it gets down to individual immunity (just ask Burton if that's true). They talk with Jerri, who doesn't want to trust Colby ever again, "I don't wanna fall prey to the same person who screwed me over in Australia," she growls. Well, now that you aren't trying to seduce him, maybe you won't fall under his spell, Jerri. Kath confers with bitter Jerri, and confesses that she's not happy about Colby's unilateral decision to keep Ethan and dumb Hatch. Jerri then goes to Rich and tells him about the plot to oust him, though she doesn't name names. Hatch doesn't need her too--he knows it's the men who are threatened by him, not the girls, so he and Jerri try to drum up support for their campaign to oust Colby. Rich preens for his beloved camera, "How DARE you plot against me? You have to go bye-bye," he grins. I won't miss Richard Hatch--not even a little bit.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has to go over the whole "Fire represents Life" thing because the Eggo's haven't been to Tribal Council yet. Ethan tells Jeff he was both happy and nervous about being picked, "You were at my first Tribal Council--you know my back was up against the wall there too." Again, Ethan is masterfully painting himself in the role of underdog, despite the clear and present danger he represents to anyone else's shot at winning. Colby ruffles some feathers when he explains, "The game is different this time around--everyone here knows how to play. You can't coast...but Jeff, some people ARE coasting." Whatever THAT means. I concur with Shii Ann's 'Who do you think you are, Colbster" eye roll here. Kath laments the lack of true loyalty in this game, as opposed to the really friendships that were forged in the Marquesas--which is pretty remarkable to hear her say considering that she was screwed over several times. I heart Kath...

POLL TIME

Hey, instead of a quiz, I'd just like to know who you're really pulling for. So pick one--and only one person--who you'd pick to win it all. My vote is for KrAzY KaThy.

Colby declares that the person leaving tonight is getting duped and doesn't see it coming. If this were last season, Colby would SO be voted out because that was just the way of the Pearl Islands. He melodramatically talks of "cutting out the cancer" again, and we all hope that unlike Kath, he would have picked another metaphor had Rich Jenna still been around. Kath says she's gunning to get the power players out of the game. When Jeff asks her if she's surprised at who she's voting for, she responds sadly, "yeah." Hatch casts his vote for Colby, claiming he woulda coulda shoulda trusted him, while Colby votes for Hatch and says he ALMOST trusted Hatch, but in the words of Brandy, "almost doesn't count." Hatch is ousted in a 6-1 vote, and he pretends to be tickled by the whole thing, and happy to be getting to eat good food, but you know it kills him to lose and it's especially sweet to see that he was so surprised >:D

Tonight is baffling to me. At Shakira, I fear Alicia is still on the block, or MAYBE Rupert? I think Jenna will benefit from Chachi's perception of himself as catnip to women, but SHOULD Shakira stick to it's tribal lines, I dunno whether they eliminate her weakness over Rupert's strength--they were doing just fine without it, after all. Personally, I'd like to see Soo gone ( I'll never be able to get passed her lacerating Kelly in her infamous and misguided speech in Season One's finale), but I think Chachi finds her useful. I think Big Tom is a dangerous sleeper here, and has a really good shot at winning all the marbles because no one sees him as a threat. If the Eggo's go back, I think Colby's toast. The women are now in a lather about Colby dictating the vote, making it the PERFECT time for Ethan to side with the ladies and eliminate his biggest threat for my affections--oh yeah, and his greatest physical competition ;) Time will tell....


"For me, maintaining some kind of thumb on all these different personalities, that I care very little about, is exhausting."

Richard Hatch, 2000

Peace Out! Christine :D