Survivor 6.5

Girls camp, morning. The insufferably smug Deena gloats, "I'm the alpha female--top dog at this point in time." If that's her way of calling herself a total bitch, I completely agree. Jeanne is still reeling from pal Joanna's ouster, "Shawna's dying and begging to be sent home and they vote out the strongest player we have on our team? I don't get it."

Shawna Hostage Crisis: Day One

Survivor prisoner Shawna muses, "It's totally ironic that the people I trusted betrayed me." In point of fact, it's not so much ironic as it is the dictionary definition of betrayal. Because you can't have betrayal without trust. She laments that she's being held against her will and wails, "I'm at the lowest of my low and no one is respecting that I'm falling apart. Deena smiles coldly, "Shawna's problems are mental. As soon as she accepts her situation, and her role in MY plan, which has no flaws and no potential for reversal now that I've gotten rid of my arch nemesis, Joanna, there'll be no stopping me!" A nearby lizard rolls it's eyes as if to say, "Have these people ever watched the show?"

At Boy camp, Alex assures us that the men have this whole Amazon thing down pat--why it's just like playing in their own backyard! Naturally, he promptly injures himself. He and Butch are cutting firewood and a log Alex is trying to chop knocks his machete up towards his face--Mother of Pearl! Not the face! NOT ALEX'S BEAUTIFUL FACE!! *Whew* The dimples are fine, it's a gash in his forehead. The other guys use a Coke to bring down the swelling, tape up his wound and tell him he looks cool with the bandage on and that chicks dig scars, Grrrrrrrr.

At Girl camp, Jeanne calls a meeting to confront the others about a conversation she heard last night, "You all were really loud and I didn't sleep at all because I had this really pointy knife in my back? I heard Deena say "you've got to pull it together and be part of the team," well if you all think that I'm NOT part of the team--" Deena interrupts, "I was talking about HER," she says, pointing at Christy, "Whatshername, deaf girl. We always start talking about Christy when it gets dark and she can't lip-read--you should know that by now." Deena clearly feels that Jeanne has made an idiot of herself, and I wanted to slice the self-satisfied look off her face with a dull machete. Jeanne's not buying Deena's answer. Jenna drawls in a bored tone, "Is something ELSE bothering you Jeanne? I don't see HOW you could feel like you aren't part of the tribe when you do, like, all the hard work." while Heidi chitters beside her like a ferret. Jeanne says she has reason to be paranoid since she had no idea the vote was going to Joanna last night, and Deena shrugs it off, reveling in Jeanne's discomfort and her Mighty Power over the other women, "Jeanne's sweating in her panties. She's thinking, "God help me, what am I gonna do?" To bad for her I'm calling ALL the shots...what's that? Mark who? Mark Burnett? Never heard of him."

Reward Limerick:

Send us your tribe's youngest kid
For a whole night of them you'll be rid
they'll spend some time
a' drinking some wine
And one will be sorry they did

Rob opens the tree mail basket and, in his pathetic attempt to be funny at all times, makes a weak joke about it being Pandora's box. Inside a bottle is a note that tells each tribe to send the youngest person in their tribe to a special location for "wine and laughter." Rob starts to whimper about how unfair it is that HE doesn't get to go have wine and laughter. At first I thought he was kidding, but no, Rob is seething with jealousy over Dave's good fortune and seems to be on the verge of tears. At the girls camp, Jeanne jokingly wonders if it REALLY means the youngest gets to go--maybe it's the youngest at heart! Since no one else has a sense of humor, they jump all over her. Jenna sneers, "I'm like, the youngest, oKAY? And youth should always be rewarded? Give it a rest, I'm going somewhere cool and you're not so NYAH!"

Jenna-Loo

Jenna and Dave arrive at a swinging little Survivor bungalow, where they will spend the night eating fruit and cheese and bread. Jeff tells them it's up to them how they spend the evening--it can be fun, it can be strategic, it can be a little of both. The two change into comfy bathrobes and Dave inquires about Jenna's tribe. Jenna doesn't even bother with the pretence of being coy and proceeds to tell Dave absolutely every last thing about the inner workings of Jabaru: "Heidi and I are like, the closest because we're alike, the prettiest? And next comes Shawna because she's cute too and then sine we needed a fourth person to have like, an undefeatable four-person alliance and there weren't any more cute girls, we picked Deena. Heidi is really strong and she's always upbeat--I'd be so lost if we were to be separated, which THANK GOD isn't gonna ever happen? Shawna's all sick and whiny now--she wanted us to vote for her out but we like, totally made her stay so that Deena could feel like a man. Oh and Jeanne is TOTALLY the next person we want to vote for, her attitude TOTALLY sucks now that she knows we're all, like, against her and everything? I probably shouldn't be telling you all this but...whatever. You've got a nice body an stuff." Dave responds by reciting the official bios of his tribesmen from the CBS web site: name, age, occupation. When he tells Jenna that Roger is 56 she marvels, "Wow, we got rid of OUR old person first thing!" Ever the gentleman, Dave tells Jenna that while the guys like to talk about Heidi's breasts, Jenna has the best ass. This does not offend her. They each take a shower while the other looks on lustfully, then they sleep together in a comfy bed. Jenna reveals, "It was the best kind of reward because we didn't have to like, DO anything? Except be born when we were?" Jenna is one of those contestants who's so shallow they can only recount what you've just seen--she drones on and on about the bungalow and the grapes and the crescent rolls and the pillowcases and she never actually has anything revealing or insightful to say about anything. She DOES inform us, "We pretty much told each other everything. I know that Alex is 33 and Roger is 56. I know that Butch is a vice principal of a junior high school...uhm..yeah. And Dave knows that Heidi and I have a strong alliance within a larger alliance that includes Shawna and Deena and that we don't really Like Christy and Jeanne."

The next morning brings more food and a twist to the game. Jeff arrives with a bag full of chips on which appear the names of all the castaways. He tells Dave and Jenna that they will take turns selecting tribe mates, and to begin by choosing a member of the opposite sex. Dave immediately makes blabbermouth Jenna pay by taking her precious Heidi away from her. She laments to us, "I don't know what I'm gonna do--Heidi is like, my ROCK." A bitter Jenna drafts Alex, "Because, he's like, the cutest guy...oh and he's like got all this stamina, or whatever?"

The new tribes:

Jabaru: Jenna, Deena, Shawna, Alex, Rob & Sir Matt
Tambaqui: Dave, Butch, Roger, Heidi, Christy & Jeanne

New fake names: Jabaru: Jabber Jaw, Tambaqui: Timbuktu

Dave returns to camp and is all business as he explains the new arrangement and how it came to pass. The men all take it well with the noticeable exception of Big Baby Rob who again seems near tears as he whispers, "Dave was all "Oh, I was true to the guys--but you guys have to leave." I don't think Rob realizes that choosing all five guys wasn't an option Dave was afforded. Then he sniffles, 'I don't like the idea of Dave having control over what happens to me in this game--he doesn't have my best interests at heart. He only cares about himself--and *apparently* Butch and Roger, waaaaah." Why SHOULD he have your best interests at heart, lame-ass. The men all vow loyalty to one another. The fractious girls make no such gesture. Christy suggests a group hug and is ignored. The Panty Princesses cry over their enforced separation while Jeanne is practically doing cartwheels she's so stoked. They are all touched by their warm reception by the gentlemen of New Timbuktu who in turn are floored to learn that Christy is deaf. They're also impressed since they had no idea. At New Jabber Jaw, Rob predictablely shouts, 'Honey, we're home!" The Shawna Hostage Crisis ends on Day 2 as she is liberated from her deep depression by Alex's deep dimples. She springs from her deathbed and begins to giggle and flirt earnestly with the three men as Jenna and Deena stand nearby with tight smiles painted across their faces. Rob leers, "If Shawna and Jenna want to walk around naked I promise not to vote for either of them until the merge." Is Rob trying to convince us he isn't gay or that he isn't a virgin?

Night at Timbuktu. Christy is touched by how considerate the men are as they make an effort to adjust the lantern and move nearer to the fire so that she can take part in after-dark conversation. Christy raves, "It's so amazing to be on a tribe that doesn't suck!" as Jeanne and Heidi glare. Christy is too involved in reading the lips of people who actually choose to communicate with her to notice or care. The next morning at Jabber Jaw Alex tells Shawna that she polled the highest amongst the boys as "hottest chick" and she's stoked. She's really digging Alex, who's good looks, easy-going charm and dry wit all factor in to her "type," plus they're both from the Bay Area (San Francisco, that is). Deena moans, "I don't get it! My plans were so well-laid--best-laid, you might even say. Shawna might not be into the whole chick thing anymore, she might be into the whole Alex thing now." Gee, I can think of someone who'd be into the chick thing. A strong competitor who would stay true to the girls no matter what...but you voted her out, sucker, and now you have to...well, sweat in your panties, I suppose. The girls have made the same costly mistake the men made in the beginning of the game: thinking about gender issues and not tribe issues. The guys have vowed to vote out the members of the other tribe, the women parted on bad terms. In both competitions with a switch (Africa and Marquesas), the more unified tribe (Boron, Rotu) was able to go into the warring tribe (Samboohoo, Maraamu) and divide and conquer. Not necessarily a death sentence for all the girls, as Vecepia still managed to win and she was from Maraamu, but still something to think about.

Immunity Limerick

A race of both brawn and of brain
your tribes are no longer the same
If you are the fastest
you won't be the lastest
and you will remain in the game

Roger is pleased with the girls Dave chose to be on Timbuktu: "I feel very confident we're gonna win today," he says. Which means they're gonna lose. Jeff asks how everyone feels about the switch and everyone pretends it's the neatest thing ever. The challenge starts with finding five animal names in a giant word-search game. They have to memorize those animals, then paddle through a course and pick up flags that correspond to those animals, then race to shore and put the flags in some boxes. Thanks to a word some thought was Mosquito but wasn't, Timbuktu gets hung up on the word search and though they try valiantly to make it up on the boat part, Jabber Jaw wins.

At Timbuktu, the girls go out on the boat to discuss who they're gonna vote out. The logical thing to do, they know is all vote for one of the guys to force a tie. Jeanne wants to oust Dave, the youngest and strongest player--a smart move if you're thinking of them as the enemy--but Heidi puts on the kibosh, "Of all the guys, Dave's the last one I want to vote off--he's young and he has a great body...oh, and I mean he picked us to be on his team. He saw something in us and we should, like, honor that?" Jeanne rolls her eyes, "Fine, but if anyone ever asks, we say it was a draw between all three guys." Heidi rolls her eyes at Jeanne's instinct to protect the feelings of others. Or at the fact that Jeanne doesn't realize this entire conversation is going to be on television, I'm not sure. They draw sticks and Butch becomes their target.

What Dave Saw in Heidi

Namely, an ambitious and easily-manipulated twit! Dave pulls Heidi aside and "confides" in her that He, Roger and Butch want her to be with them in the Final Four with them. How he keeps from laughing is beyond me, but she falls for it hook, line and sinker. He tells her to join them in voting out Jeanne (thanks to Jenna, he knows this isn't an abhorrent concept for her) and she wonders, "Well...what would you do if you were in my situation?" "Oh I would Definitely go with us," he assures her--like, what the hell else would he say, Einstein. Heidi, practically shaking with excitement tries to make us believe that she's conflicted and hates the pressure of being the key to tonight's vote--whatever!

Tribal Council

Poor doomed Jeanne raves about how great it is to become members of the new tribe and how nice the guys are. Christy also compares the guys favorably to her old tribe. Heidi, completely NOT understanding the value of discretion in this game, laments being separated from her BFF, Jenna. When Jeff asks about tonight's vote, Christy replies honestly that there hasn't been time to make new alliances, so she assumes everyone is sticking with the old, meaning boy vs.. girl. Jeff nods his head, "Yes, the only sensible thing for any of you to do, Heidi, is try to force the tie, Heidi." She giggles, "Wow. there are so many things going through my head at once--that's never happened to me before...it kinda hurts!" "PICK ONE," Jeff says curtly, clearly irritated with her, "Well, there's the guy girl thing, but this is a new team and...it's killing me. The camera pans over the rest of the tribe, revealing Roger's amusement, Butch's irritation, Dave's contempt, Jeanne's dread and Christy's anger. Consensus: Heidi sucks. She votes against Jeanne--and herself, and her buddy Jenna etc. and Jeanne is out 4-2. To add insult to injury, Heidi spells he name "Gene." Christy doesn't seem altogether stunned at the revelation of Heidi's true colors. What's truly stupid about Heidi's move is--if the guys REALLY want to ally with her, they're hardly gonna hold it against her to at least TRY for the tie. If you lose fair and square on the tie-break, fine, but why be a quisling?

Jeanne is out in the 12 spot, joining the un-allied Dirk, stinky vegetarian Kimmi, tactical-genius Silas (ah, happy ouster memories), naive nouveau hippie Gabe and cranky and sickly Stephanie. Tonight, if Timbuktu loses again, I think Heidi will be eliminated. Christy is a much better ally for the men because they know she's estranged from Deena and the Princesses. If Jabber Jaw loses, I think we WILL see a tie, with the girls targeting annoying Rob and the boys targeting...Jenna, I think, because they know all about her close ties to Heidi. We will see!

Peace, Christine :)