Survivor 15.1 "We bowed for, like, days!"

WELCOME BACK! :D

Not just those of you reading this, but also, welcome back plain ol' gimmick free Survivor. 16 players, two tribes, no Exile, no Immunity Idols (an least not yet). Ahhh, it feels good! I read where Jeff Probst said he thought the "give one tribe everything and the other tribe nothing" twist was a bad idea: DUH! This Survivor isn't TOTALLY like every other season--it takes place in CHINA, and begins with the Survivors walking through the very NOT remote Shanghai, and then travelling to their remote location by train, which was sooo Amazing Race--except they didn't show anyone bickering and trying to book a flight using a borrowed cell phone. Then Jeff proceeded to name every occupation of every single contestant, "A lady wrestler, a Christian radio host, a lunchlady, a professional poker player, a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker.' And YES, there's another gay Mormon dude--have we ever had a straight Mormon dude? Seriously. Anyway, the train takes them to a Buddhist Temple near (or on?) the "Lake of a Thousand Islands." 39 Days! 16 People! One Survivor!

CHINESE CULTURE FREAKS OUT THE YANKS

Jeff leads everyone into the Buddhist temple that will host the Tribal Council ceremonies. He is quick to point out that the monks will be performing a "welcoming ceremony" that is NOT a "worship ceremony." Peih Gee gets emotional about coming to China so soon after the death of her grandfather, who would have gotten a kick out of it (Peih Gee was born in Hong Kong). Denise, the lunch lady with a rockin' mullett, is blown away by the whole thing, while Courtney--yes, this season brings us another insufferable blonde Courtney--rolls her eyes and complains later , "We bowed for like, days." Whatev. Then Leslie decides she's had enough of the bowing and kneeling in another faith's church and she bolts. Later Jeff asks her about it in front of everyone and Leslie admits she was freaked out because it felt like they were worshipping somebody NOT Jesus in there. Courtney rolls her eyes, "OMIGOD, a person with like, beliefs." Personally, I think I could manage to worship Jesus in a Buddhist temple, even if there WERE a bunch of gold Buddhas around--it's not like God's gonna hang you up on a technicality, Leslie. She also makes a big point of saying that she's not "religious" she just has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, which is one of those Christian jargony distinctions that sound great to Christians when they're talking to other Christians, and may have been a radical thing to say back in the Godspell 1970's, but I think it just confuses non-Christians (and Christians alike, maybe). You could tell the other Survivors were like, "SO...are you a Christian, or what?" Then Jeff tells everyone that their not gonna get to keep their luggage and their gonna have to play Survivor in the nice clothes they're wearing, and everyone freaks out and everyone at home screams in frustration, "Have any of you people EVER watched the show!?" A woman once played the entire game in a Boy Scout uniform, people! So everyone's in nice clothes and high heels, and Jaime tells Jeff she isn't wearing a bra, which, Jeff points out, could work to her benefit.

VIBES OF THE TRIBES

Jeff then breaks them into tribes: The first tribe we'll call Crouching Tiger (the real name sounds suspiciously like John Woo): CHicken, Frosti, Dave, Peih Gee, Ashley the wrestler, Sherea, Jaime and Erik (in yellow). In red is Flying Dragon: Denise, James, Todd, Aaron, Leslie, Jean Robert (Zhan Robear), Courtney and AManda. The Survivor: China logo kicks ASS, and the buffs have the tribe names on them in CHinese--they rock! Then Jeff gives each tribe a copy of "The Art of War" to bring to camp and everyone departs. They travel the river by boat until they find their respective camps: rice is provided, but no flint. At Hidden Dragon, Hot Aaron frets about coming on like too much of a leader too early. Leslie tries to unfreak-out her tribemates by playfully referring to Jehovah as "The Big Guy," like they'll suddenly be like, "Oh, the Big GUY! The Man Upstairs--oh, THAT'S who you believe in--well, now I'm totally not freaked out by your fundamentalism!" The bonding goes well--everyone seems to be getting on and having fun as they compare notes about jobs and where they're from. The only person not enjoying themselves is Courtney the emaciated heroin addict, who scoffs, "THere's like, flight attendants, and Sunday school people, and like, people from the Midwest, and they're all, like, being friendly and nice to each other? Okay, like, I'm from New York, and like, I don't usually hang around people who are like, positive and stuff, you know?" Meanwhile, Jean-Robert, the dumpy professional poker player goes to look for tree mail with Todd, the chipper gay Mormon flight attendant. JR tells Todd, "I think you're devious...and maybe NOT a flight attendant. I got my eye on you kid." Wow, way to keep your cards close to the vest, big guy. Then Todd informs us that he wants to win because, ahem, a million dollars is a lot of money. Every year I forget that, but someone always reminds me. Later, they do some SERIOUS forest-clearing, thanks in large point to large James, a rather quiet grave digger who has the kind of physique you usually only see in the comic books. WHen he worries that he might flounder with the inter-personal side of the game, Leslie the Christian radio host advises him to ask people a lot of questions, because people love to talk about themselves. Awww, Leslie's kinda sweet. Later, the gang has Hot Aaron read from "The Art of War," and Todd declares Aaron the leader and everyone agrees and Aaron is internally freaked out because "Leaders don't do well," even though several of the game's winners have been leaders in their tribes.

At Crouching Tiger, Sherea is struggling to walk in her heels, and seems to be yet another Black woman on Survivor who has no outdoorsyness whatsoever--Cassandra and Cirie both made it to the top four, so it's not necessarily a game-killer, it's just...can't they find one Black woman who camps and fishes or whatnot? Chicken, the Fiftyish chicken farmer starts bossing everyone around and then when people start disagreeing with his ideas he starts sulking and vows to stop making suggestions, and starts to irritate the others when every time they ask his opinion he says "do' matter tuh me." What irritates ME is they don't subtitle the hillbillies on this show--Chicken is definitely Big Tomesque. Ashley the pro-wrestler starts talking about making her fans happy--my guess is her MASSIVE FAKE BOOBS make that a done deal no matter how she fares in the game--holy cats! Then a bunch of the tribe starts dancing to imaginary music, which irritates the goal-oriented Peih-Gee, who is not thrilled with the fact that everyone's getting their freak on instead of getting their shelter on. She's right on the money, but does anyone else see another casting pattern: the type-A, bossy Hermione Grangerish Asian chick? ANyway, the shelter doesn't get built and they all have to sit out in a lightening storm and get wet. Chicken says something I couldn't understand and the next morning, Ashley is sick as a dog. CBS executives start to worry that the girl with the built-in wrestling fanboy fanbase and giant fake boobs might be voted out on account of illness before she even loses her bikini top while wrestling somebody, as was the plan. Ashley shrugs off her puking, "I've wrestled with a 104 degree fever before--it's in my contract." Then Dave the "ex-model" ("Dave" the model? Dave? Really?) goes up to Ashley and assures her, "Just because you're sick, don't think you're on the chopping block." Ashley's all, "Hey, thanks!" Cut to: Dave looking at the camera, "If Ashley keeps ralphing her guts out, she is GONE!" I honestly get the impression that Dave false-comforted Ashley because he was anxious to lie--you know, work on his game, get in the swing of things.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jeff gathers the troops, and everyone agrees it's been wet so far. Jeff tells the gang that they'll be reunited with their running shoes for the challenge, and get to keep them the rest of the time--yay! Then he shows them the awesome Immunity Idol, that looks like one of the famed Terracotta Warriors. Sweet! Then comes the challenge, that will give the winning tribe Immunity and fire, via flint. The tribes have to run together as a team, hoisting a giant paper dragon aloft so it looks from above as though the dragons are racing. Then people unlock themselves and perform feats of jumping and such and then return to the group and get their group thru the course. At the end, they have to put the sticks they used to carry the dragons into the proper holes on the ground. It was cool looking, but nothing significant happened game wise, so I won't belabor it. Suffice it to say, Hidden Dragon wins the Dragon Race challenge--uh, can you say "totally fixed?" Next week better be Tiger-related.

CROUCHING TIGER, WEAKEST LINK

When the Tigers get back to camp, Peih Gee bursts into tears, and is comforted by Dave, which probably means he intends to vote her out. THen she recovers and starts bossing everyone around in regards to their non-existent shelter, which irritates everyone, even though none of them are working and they do desperately need that shelter. She starts to get really frustrated with Chicken, who's built chicken coops and done manual labor, unlike the rest of the tribe, let's face it. But he's still unwilling to put himself out there because no one wanted to listen to him before, and he gets pretty danged stubborn about not answering the simplest questions. Ashley is now recovered and highly judgemental of Peih Gee, for being bossy AND for crying earlier. Personally, I don't think a woman who wrestles for a living and has a giant plastic rack should spend a lot of time judging the behavior of OTHER women, but maybe that's just me. Chicken is no fan of Ashley--he refuses to accept any doctor's excuse regarding her failure to perform camp tasks when she was heaving her guts out. "She ain' don' nuthin'" he complains, and then he adds, "That's what makes the element of the game," to which America says, "Zuh?" Sherea is debating between voting out Chicken or the bossy Peih-Gee, while pompous Dave confides to us that he wants Chicken around because he wants an ally in case the tribe's young people start banding together. And that was the night's BIGGEST surprise: Ex-model Dave referring to the chicken farmer as a contemporary...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Fire represents life, for those who may have forgotten. Jeff asks about the lack of shelter and Chicken weighs in, criticizing the tribe for taking two days to accomplish the task. Jeff asks if they need a leader and Dave nominates himself, whichs draws several "say what?" looks from the others. Peih Gee prefaces her candidacy by saying, "I don't want to be bossy, Buuuuut..." and everyone starts eye-rolling and fuming as she points out that work isn't gonna do itself. Then Jeff asks who's vulnerable and Ashley gulps hard when both Dave and Chicken say it's the "least productive" of the Tiger's, so she reminds everybody that she was sick before. Chicken goes on to point the tribe's weaknesses a little more and then says, "If we don't open our eyes, we'll be seeing you a lot," to Jeff. Turns out, Chicken has attended his first and last Tribal Council, getting at least four of the tribe's votes (Ashley gets two, Peih Gee gets Ashley's vote, spelled "p.g."). When he realizes he's out, Chicken let's out a loud, "DAMN!!!" which was a refreshing bit of honest emotion. Jeff tells him the tribe has spoken, and Chicken replies, "Ah heard 'em." I wonder if Peih Gee would have gone had Chicken just held his tongue a little. I think she was high on some people's lists and then they were like, "Well, it sounds like Chicken's gonna be just as bossy AND he's some old dude, let's get rid of him." Sad, but true. Though I am relieved that the first person voted out of Survivor: China wasn't, you know, the Chinese girl. Jeff lets them take their torches back so they can have fire.

Chicken is eliminated in 16th place, which is once again last place. Fifteen Survivors have failed to make it as far as 16. The first 16th place finisher was ukelele-totin' Sonja. In the Outback, bossy Deb was cut loose and in Africa the tribe parted ways with shifty bean-thief Diane. In Marquesas, weird Peter had to go when he couldn't keep his pie-hole shut regarding...his other, ahem, holes. In Thailand, it was another bossy player, Reverend John who was eliminated and in the Amazon, pretty-buy Ryan was doomed when he couldn't flirt his way further with his all-male tribe. In the Pearl Islands, Nicole just didn't impress anyone and in Vanuatu, John P. was one of the younger victims of the "older, fatter dudes." In Palau, Jeff allegedly "hurt his ankle" and punked out, while Guatemala's Brianna ran afoul of jock Steph when she didn't know what "a pick" was in basketball. Tina the grieving lumberjill was first off of Exile Island and Stephannie wasn't really into sticking it out on the Cook Islands. Last season, Gary was forced out of the game by an injury.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Well, Chicken isn't just a fan of country and western music--he is pretty much a country and western SONG, having raised three children by himself while working as a farmer and spending his free time huntin' and fishin' and ATV'n. It should be noted that he raises grass-fed livestock and poultry. In his exit interview, he predicts doom for his unmotivated tribe and then finishes by giving a fan's tribute to the show, "No one is more proud to be a small part of a big adventure." Aww, hell. We'll miss you too, chicken man! :(

Peace Out :D

Christine

Survivor 14.14 "I am a truth teller. I am Dreamz."

FINALE: FINALLY! :D

Okay, this is gonna be short and sweet because Survivor: China starts in a couple days. It's also short because I actually missed the first hour of the Finale, and because it happened right when I was moving, I forgot to ask anybody to save it for me. And, after reading my illegible notes of the Reunion, I decided not to recap that either. So, here we go.

PER THE OFFICIAL WEB SITE

According to the CBS website, here's what I missed in the first hour: Yau's almost ouster causes a nervous Earl to declare "It's all about cannabalism now!" Cassandra tries to explain to Earl that she betrayed Yau because it's the time in the game where you've got to look out for yourself. Yau realizes that giving the truck to Dreamz has made him an even bigger target--he feels he MUST win Immunity in order to stick around. In the Immunity Challenge, which was apparantly one of those "search for stuff in a maze while your blindfolded" deals, Yau got his wish, securing Immunity for himself. Everyone agrees that it's time to eliminate Boo, but a wary Dreamz brings all his stuff to Tribal Council, just in case. Boo finishes in 5th place, joining the inexplicably dense Brain Surgeon Sean, and the Outback's honorable Rodger. In Africa, the equally decent T-bird got the boot while loudmouthed Sean talked his way out of the Marquesas at this point in the game. In Thailand, Ted was shocked to find out he wasn't Porn Star Brian's BFF, and America rejoiced as One when stupid, mean and shallow Heidi was eliminated. Smug Burton was voted out for the second time at 5th place in the Pearl Islands and Jeff's too-young-for-him girlfriend Julie was a 5th placer as well. In Palau, Caryn got the shaft from Tom and Ian and in Guatemala, Cindy chose to give herself a car instead of give a car to each of her fellow players, and it ticked them off. Crazy Shane was blindsided by Aras at this crucial juncture, and last season, dumb Adam ran out of luck.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

The hardworking Kenward, aka Boo, works construction during the day and manages the club he owns at night. Not surprisingly, he's a fan of mixed martial arts AND Gilligan's Island.

MORE STUFF I MISSED

THe Final Four of Yau, Cassandra, Dreamz and Earl do the tradional "Here's all the people that got voted out" montage and light torches in thier honor. Dreamz claims he plans to try to win Immunity and give it to Yau-man. They arrive at the Immunity Challenge and Jeff stuns them by revealing that there will be a Final Three (like last season, which they haven't seen). Yawn. Final Three SUCKS, if you ask me.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Okay, this is where I came in, and it was like Survivor: Guantanamo Bay! The Survivors were sunjected to this water torture, which Dreamz ultimately endured longer than the rest, to win the Immunity...that he promised Yau in exchange for the truck. But Jeff's revelation that there will be a Final three instead of two has further complicated things for the already capricious Dreamz. That should be the name of a racehorse. Capriciosu Dreamz. The others are all pretty sure he'll honor his word though, "He's a good kid," mainatains Cassandra. Yau must be getting more bad vibes--he goes to Dreamz and asks him to at least not VOTE against him, if he chooses to back out and keep the necklace. Dreamz starts to agonize, "I took out a whole alliance...did I trade a million dollars for a truck?" Of all the Survivor seasons Ever, this one has got to have been the Aesopiest. Then Dreamz declares (ironically, we will soon find) "I am a truth teller. I am Dreamz."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Boo still looks kinda scuzzy, even though he's presumably cleaned up. Dreamz starts laying the ground work for screwing over Yau by remindidn everyone that Survivor is a game of lying, and that Yau gave him the game out of strategy, not generosity. If Dreamz gives up Immunity, he WILL be out of the game. The jury seems skeptical when Yau claims he never tried to lobby Dreamz to live up to his word, and the already-duped Edgardo looks almost physically ill at Yau's trust in Dreamz. Dreamz tells Jeff he's keeping Immunity, and then he starts crying as the votes are read--revealing that Yau is out 3-1. A nation mourns.

Yau finishes in fourth place. In season One, held on Yau's native Borneo, Stoopid Sue met her bitter end in the same spot, and it's also where we bid adieu to the pre "View" pre-Hasselback, Elisabeth Filarski. In Africa, Big Tom was shocked to be the one cut out of his alliance here, while in the Marquesas, Paschal lost a "grab the rock" tie-breaker that paved the way for Vecepia's unliley win. In Thailand, we lost yet another of Brian's dupes, Helen, and in the Amazon, it was explusion time for Butch the principal. In the Pearl Islands, Darrah was targetted and in Vanuatu, it was good riddance to the irritating Eliza. In Palau, Gregg's equally dull ally Jennifer wsa dispensed with and the trying Lydia was silenced here in Guatemala. On Exile Island, Cirie COULD NOT build that damned fire, and last season, we said goodbye to our friend Sundra.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Well, he's yet another really likable contestant from...where? That's right, the East Bay! Last season's winner, Yul, is from my hometown of Concord, Ca and Yau lives in neighboring Martinez, where I worked all through college at the Contra Costa Cinemas. Anyway, Yau works for UC Berkeley and graduated from M.I.T., so we believe him when he says his favorite show is 60 Minutes.

FINAL THREE

Dreamz is sort of broken up about breaking his word. Sort of. But it's just a game, after all, he reasons. Earl is upset at himself for turning on Yau once Dreamz had reneged on his deal with Yau, "I turned on Yau--they're gonna turn on me," fe frets, in regards to the jury. But he's gotta know he's a leadpipe cinch. That jury sure as hell ain't gonna give the money to the very lucky Cassandra and the very duplicitous Dreamz. Which is what Earl was thinking when he wrote down is friend's name. Later, the Dharma Initiative airlifts them a breakfast feast that Earl has to go out and swim for. Survivor plays the "camp cookie" music as they all revel in still being there--especially the unathletic and surprised-as-we-are Cassandra. Then Dreamz says he's so happy that, "I feel like I'm standing next to Oprah." Hokay then.

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL

Opening statements: Earl feels he played an honest and clean game, and he reminds everyone that no one ever voted against him. The chess player feels he "made the right moves," and that he deserves the "respect vote." Cassandra plays up her sounding board skills and claims to have never voted against an alliance-mate, which doesn't track with her voting out Yau. Dreamz talks up his big heart, and how much good he could do with the million. Then it's time for the grilling.

Michelle asks everyone to say what their biggest hardship was. Dreamz reminds everyone that he was homeless, so sleeping outside wasn't a hardship fo rhim--but the thirst was crippling. Cassandra reckons it was her inability to swim and Earl reminds everyone that he's the only original member of Ravu, the tribe that got the shaft and suffered, plus he wsa sent to Exile a lot. Edgardo simply asks Earl how HE found out that the My Little Ponies had the Immunity Idol. "Dreamz," Earl replies. "That's it," Ed says, sitting down. Mookie tries to get Dreamz to own up to his betraying him and Ed and Alex, but Dreamz just recites the "game" mantra. Then Alex gets up and goes all Perry Mason on Cassandra, accusing her of using and then discarding poor Stacy--who, it must be mentioned, treated Cassandra like garbage throughout the beginning of the game. Alex probably didn't notice because he was king of the hill at that point and Cassandra was beneath his notice. ANd of course, I have to be the one to mention it because Cassandra fails to defend herself. It was was really infuriating--every time Cassandra went to speak, ALex was like, "Stop talking! I get to talk now!" I really wish Cassandra had stood up for herself, but she didn't. ALex is an ass.

Then it gets EVEN worse, when loundmouth Lisi starts off her questioning with "Eenie meenie miney moe, catch a liar by the toe." Considering that the N-word is so closely associated with that rhyme, it was prerry appalling to hear Lisi say it in addressing the all-black Finalists. She then attacks Cassandra for coming to Fiji in the wrong kind of shoes. Again, Cassandra doesn't stand up for herself and I really wish SOMEBODY had said, "Okay, Quitter!" I mean, Dreamz knows what a wimp she was when they were on the same tribe. Lisi then asks Dreamz how many zeros are in a million, because she's a patronizing bitch. She accuses Earl of "Putting on a show," whatever the hell that means. Part of the reason I'm not recapping the reunion is Jeff never calls her on her vitriol, she's just a hateful, tasteless dipstick. UGH! So then mean Stacy gets up there and is not mean at all, and I've gotta give big ups to her for it. She congratulates everyone for making it to the Final Three, and then asks Earl to tell her how she can justify giving the money to anyone but the less-educated, up from the streets Horatio Dreamz Alger, if her choice is need based. Earl replies that just because he has a job and a car, doesn't mean he doesn't need a million dollars--don't we all? This seems to meet with ALex's approval. Then it's Rocky's turn--he wants to hear from everyone what there biggest "kickuh" moment was, in other words, when they REALLY made a bold kick-ass move in the game. Cassandra hems and haws and irritates Rocky, Dreamz cops to his manipulations, and Earl says that no one even thought he was playing the game.

More fireworks occr when Boo steps up--Boo, who should have been this interesting during the game. He applauds his fellow juror Yau, and then calls out Dreamz, as a fellow Christian, for breaking the promise he made to Yau regarding the truck. He asks Dreamz to answer him as a Christian: was he playing the game the whole time with Yau, or did he mean his promise and then change his mind? Dreamz claims he was always playing the game, which is an interesting answer--since we saw so much of his flip-flopping, I'm not sure it's the truth. Boo ends is time by telling Dreamz, "I still believe in you, but you're an immature Christian." He tells him that someday, Dreamz will be mature enough to resist monetary temptation over morality. I mean, HOT DAMN, was that drama or what? Where was this toughtful and comanding Boo during the game? Then it's Yau's turn and he proves his status as just...a superior being, really, compared to most humans, when he lets ol' Dreamz off the hook. He says he's a 54-year-old man who can admit to a mistake. He tells Dreamz he gave him the truck in good faith, and that he should enjoy it. Then he asks Dreams why he DID change his mind, and Dreamz, who seems to be averse to admitting he's so changeable, retorts, "I didn't change, I outplayed you." Whatever. Yau asks Earl why Earl chose to get rid of him, and Earl admits he knew he couldn't beat Yau with any jury, "You played the best game, by far." I know a lot of people are mad at Earl for shafting Yau, but I like Earl, and I'm glad he won, and I get why he made the decison to cut Yau out of the game when the chance arose. Jeff takes the votes away to New York for the reunion. In New York City, everyone is a little heavier and wearing a lot more make-up. Jeff announces Earl's unanimous win. THE END

Although Cassandra and Dreamz both received no votes, meaing they technically tied, I'm giving second place to Dreamz, by virtue of his Immunity and Reward wins, so Cassandra finishes in third place, along with cranky Rudy, pompous Keith, psycho Lex, winning Kath, kooky Jan, crafty Rob, evil Jonny Fairplay, Scout who, like Cassandra, didn't do much to earn her spot except not be a threat to anyone on any level, skinny Ian, judgey Rafe, Terry the insufferable Navy Guy and last season's Becky, who didn't win alot of stuff, but was truly Yul's Executive Officer. Cassandra's bio is quite boring--sorry Cassandra!

Dreamz finishes in the runner-up spot, joining Kelly the wrongly-maligned river guide, noble Colby who honored his word to Tina even though he knew it was probably a 900,000 decision, Old Kim who had the power to take Lex to the Final Two but thankfully chose good and true Ethan instead and Oh my heck Neleh. Also coming in second were odious Clay, bizzare Matt, Lill the whiny martyr who was let back in, Twila who swore on her kid and went back on it, mean Katie, plucky Steph in her second shot at the game, Boston Danielle, and last season's Ozzy of the jungle.

Earl is this season's Ultimate Survivor, joining Evil Richard Hatch, clever Nurse Tina, fair and fine Ethan, coaster extraordinaire Vecepia, sleazy Porn Star Brian, the surprisingly likable once the season was ending Jenna, entertaining Sandra, kinda creepy Chris, Fireman Tom, sports gal Danni, yoga-twit Aras and last season's hot-bodied nerd, Yul.

Thank you for your patience and support--if anyone is indeed even reading this. See you in China! :D

Christine

Survivor 14.13 "I have bad vibes."

WHERE'S YOGI WHEN BOO NEEDS HIM?

One of the main problems in writing these reviews so long after I watched them is I cant read my own handwriting. Also, I say things like "Sting ray Par-tay!" based on the animal inserts they always use at the top of sequences, which are probably meaningless to everyone, even those of you who watch the show. Trust me, this episode opened with a school of Sting rays swimming in attack formation, and it was awesome. Then we had a humorous juxtapostion of images: Boo devotes a great deal of energy to creating a secret path to the water well that will enable him to overhear his tribemates when they go off to talk about him behind his back. Of course, since he is devoting all this time away from camp, his tribemates can now easily talk behind his back--great strategy, Boo. Everyone wants Boo gone, because he's annoying and physically strong. Stacy offers to stage a fight between her and Earl to help blindside Boo. We cut back to doofus Boo working out his top-secret spying plan, as the hillbilly music piped in by CBS and company seems to say, "Are they really scared of this guy?"

THE CAR CHALLENGE THAT WILL GO DOEN IN INFAMY

The tree mail arrives with talk of "Built Tough" and "Bold Moves," which tips off Boo that today is the day they get to try and win a car--and try to avoid the car curse. As is stated every season, no player has ever won the car, and gone on to win the million dollars. Boston Rob got around it of course, by marrying the million dollar winner, Amber, after gifting her a different car in the rward portion of that challenge--so it isn't the CAR that's cursed, it's the actual winning of it, right? Right. If you believe in such things. I like it just because I love Survivor lore in general. Dreamz not only doesn't own a car, he doesn't own a license, but that doesn't stop him from imploring the others to let him get a car today. The car is a HUGE Ford Super-DUty F350 truck--you'd almost have to win the million to afford the gasoline,but it LOOKS cool, and everyone oohs and aahs and covets it. Dreamz forshadows the most talked-about aspect of this season when he declares, "You won't believe what I'd do for a truck like that." The group will be devided into two teams, and the winning team will compete for the truck against each other, then deliver school supplies (including a "mobile classroom" with computers) to a local school. They are divided into two teams, and it winds up being the three black people versus the three people who aren't black, which makes AMerica a little uncomfortable. I can't read my writing very well, nor rmemeber the challenge enough to recount it, but we all know it was some kind of onstacle course. Boo, Yau and Stacy win, and move on to an axe throwing contest, which Yau wins, to pal Earl's delight. Yau mixes things up though by choosing to negotiate with his prize, and winds up trading the truck to Dreamz for his shaky promise that if Dreamz wins Immunity when it's down to four remaining players, Dreamz will give said Immunity to Yau. This seems very one-sided, as Yau says the truck belongs to Dreamz even if Yau goes out BEFORE Dreamz can honor the deal, or if Dreamz doesn't HAVE Immnuity to give Yau. Yau is content though--he doesn't really care about the truck, and he's aware of the car curse (and the price of gas). He is also genuinely happy to give a life-changing gift to Dreamz, because Yau is just a fundamentally decent person. Then he goes and sends HIMSELF to Exile, which is apparantly possible, who knew? Dreamz raves, "Yau is amazing to me. I don't get it. I'm not gonna try." So Dreamz takes Yau's place on the winning team, and he Stacy and Boo go off to deliver the school stuff--Boo drives. While they revel in bringing joy to the villagers, Dreamz has worked out Yau's plan to eliminate him from the Finals, and plots to oust Yau before he has to consider honoring his word. On Exile Island, Yau finds the next clue and vows to share it with Earl so he can get the other Immunity Idol.

FLIP FLOPPING AWAY

Earl seraches in vain for the other Idol while Dreamz goes back and forth about what to do about his promise to Yau (who gave him a $30,000 truck). He recognizes that Yau wants him gone, becuae he's so tight with Earl and Cassandra. In practically the same sentence, Dreamz decides to stab Yau in the back AND stand by his word. He frets about being seen as a liar, even though he's already lied extensivley in this game--just ask ALex, Mookie and Ed. He goes over all this with Cass, who just "mmm-hmmms" him to death. He wants to get rid of Yau and Boo. Cass recognizes Yau as a threat due to his EXTREME likability, but is more worried about Boo becaue of the liklihood that he could win-out in terms of Immunity...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Once again, Immunity is back up for grabs! It's one of those ones where they move on in stages, and I'm pretty sure it's the one where they have to do all these pieces of challenges they've done before--again, my notes are a little fuzzy. Stacy and Cass are the first two out--where's Steph when you need her? Seriously, this game needs another "girl that kicks-ass in physical challenges" next time around. I mean, they have to throw a rope out in the water to try and bring something to shre, and Cass throws her entire rope in and then has to go get it, you know? Earl barely moves on to the next round and when Jeff points that out, Earl gets kinda ticked. Boo and Yau move on to the Finals, and Boo wins and everyone else is like, "Sh**, now what?"

NOW WHAT?

Boo is greatly amused by everyone's disappointment at his Immunity, and he cnat wait to find out what Plan B is. Yau gives Earl the last clue, and Earl goes off on an epic quest and eventually finds it! He shows it to Yau and the two friends revel in the fact that they are in control of the Idols. They feel very safe--but they have to play the Idol before the votes are read, meaning they are both still vulnerable to being blindsided. Dreamz tries to enlist former arch-enemy Stacy into a plot to eliminate Yau, and she knows she'd be the easiest name to write down tonight so she's eager to join. Cassandra sees the pros and cons--she knows yau would be impossible to beat in the Final Two, but if Yau plays the Idol tonight, then she'd be exposed as trying to betray Yau, and by extention Earl, and right now, both men with take her to the Final three. Stacy pretneds that she's resigned to her fate and ready to go, ehich a pleased Earl seems to buy. Dreamz has Yau right where he watns him, but he's so insecure, he wrecks it all by telling Yau that he (Dreamz) is no dummy. He realizes that Yau's "selfless" gift has some selfish motivation behind it--that Yau wants Dreamz out of the game before the Final Three. Dreamz, playing dumb would've been a lot smarter. Yau tells Earl, "I have bad vibes," but Earl isn't worried. He thinks Stacy's ouster tonight is a lead pipe cinch.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Mookie and Rocky seeth with jealousy when they hear that someone else got to win truck. Dreamz relates how Yau traded him the truck for a promise and there is a CLASSIC reaction from Alex and Ed when Dreamz claims, "I'm a great man of my word." The jury seems to be torn between thinking Yau is awesome or dumb, or maybe a little of both. Alex has shaved, by the way, and isn't nearly as hot as he was with the beard--it was working for ya, dude! Everyone discusses the hidden Immunity Idols, and Jeff brings up the spectre of the "million dollar blunder" of HAVING and Immnuity Idol and choosing not to play it and then geting voted out. Then Stacy adds to Dreamz earlier tip-ff to yau by predicting a plit vote tonight, instead of say, saying something to the effect that she wishes she could stay in the game longer. Anyway, everyone is stunned when Yau plays his Idol, and Stacy, Dreamz and Cass look crestfallen. It turns out he absolutley played it at the right time, as only he and Earl voted for Stacy, though Jeff only reveals three votes for Yau, maybe giving Cass some leeway to lie? Earl is thrilled and impressed at Yau's insight, and Yau is actually happy to see his name come up so often at Tribal Council because he knows he played it at the right time.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Stacy is not a very fun person on paper--no favorite TV shows? She enjoys horseback riding and roots for the Miami Heat. Eh, whatever.

Stacy is ousted in 6th place, joining a host of other pretty girls, and the occasional man. In borneo, sweet and witty Colleen was booted and in the Outback, no one dreamed we hadn't seen the last of boring Amber when she was cut loose--who knew? In Africa, Lil' Kim managed to make it this far and in Thailand, ol' Jake was botted for not doing his share of the chores around camp--kidding Jake, kidding. In the Amazon, brave and deaf Christy was a victim of her own hubris (the theme to the Amazon season) while the Pearl Island's Christa aka Big Bird lost the numbers game. In Vanuatu, Ami the judgemental lsbian was sent packing while in Palau, hot but boring Gregg was outplayed by Tom and Ian. Big angry Judd wished death by crocodile on those that voted him out in 6th place in Guatemala, and flaky obnoxious Courtney was blindsided in Exile Island as "the Navy Guy" kept winning Immunity. Last season, Parvati was finally faced with a situation she couldn't flirt her way out of.

Next up: the Finale (Finally!) :D

Christine

Survivor 14.12 "It's like a field trip for grown people!"

Four months later, and here I am, finishing up my review of Survivor: Um. Where the hell was it? Oh yeah, Fiji. It was a really good season, and deserves a better wrap up than I'm gonna give it, but life happened. I was preparing to move right as the season was ending, and you all know what a all-encompassing deal that can be. I am now sharing a beautiful 2 bedroom home on a lovely, peaceful tree-lined street, with my sister, who has always been more consistently employed, hence our nice digs. And we have central air. I have never in my life had central air--my parents don't have it, I had NO A/C during the 10 years I lived in LA, and only a swamp cooler for my first 2 and a half years in Sacramento, where triple-digit temperatures rule the summer! So anyway, I'm living large. Anyway, on to the review. If you're lost, go back and read the review of 14.11 that I wrote in May.

ALEX: "I AM THE DRAMA KING!"

Alex realizes that his last minute decision to vote against his last-remaining fellow Horseman, Mookie, saved him from elimination. Yay backstabbing! Earl is bent because Alex would have gone home if his alliance had all voted against Alex instead of doing a split vote between Mookie and Alex to protect them from the second Immunity Idol that ALex and Mookie could only have found had it been floating in the water-well with a bow around it. Earl is ticked because ALex is much more of threat to win Immunity (and sway people to his side, perhaps) than the bitter and now departed, Mookie. Stacy tries to make nice with former-friend Alex, which unnerves Earl, who dispatches Boo to break-up the gabfest. Alex continues to make grand pronouncements about his secret plans to dominate the game, odds be damned! Like in the morning, he tells us he's in "ninja mode," as he lies around looking defeated so he can eavesdrop. As a longtime reader of the "G.I Joe" comic series, I can assure you that real ninjas...er, well, comic-book ninjas, anyway, are a little more pro-active than THAT. I mean, Snake-Eyes would win individual Immunity, like, every single time, so he wouldn't need to mope around. Come to think about it, Storm Shadow would be PERFECT for Survivor, because he's constantly switching loyalties between the Joes and Cobra. Anyway, all that geekiness to say: Alex is no ninja. Elsewhere, Earl refers to Yau, Cassandra and the utterly untrustable Dreamz as his "core four," which strikes fear in the heart of everyone who's rooting for Yau or Earl. They plot strategy as Cassandra stands by doing a lot of "Mmm-hmmm"-ing. Yau doesn't want Dreamz brought along because of his friendship with Cassandra. Everyone agrees that getting rid of Alex is Job Number One...

REWARD CHALLENGE

Stacy wears her Immunity Necklace to the Reward Challenge, for whatever reason. In this challenge, the players all have their hands tied behind their backs, while they pull off pieces of pork with their teeth, from these big hunks of meat hanging from rope. It's very messy. They have to fill up this bucket, and the players with the top three biggest piles of pork get to go on this river rafting adventure. Boo, Yau and Dreamz win the trip, and Boo, as the big winner, gets to send someone into Exile. He chooses Earl, who wanted to go so that only he can see the clue to the Idol. In Exile, Earl reads the Second Clue, and feels it may be enough to find the Idol...

ADVENTURE TIME

Yau, Boo and Dreamz go on a helicopter ride to get to their River-rafting site. Boo starts jawing, "Ah'd spend six or seven hundred dollars on one of these here whirly-birds, jus' to impress mah sweetheart on a date!" Or you could just take her to the cee-ment pond, Boo. Yau and Dreamz wish Boo could shut-up for a few moments. Then they get a safety lesson and it's on to the river, as Dreamz wishes his siblings could be there to take part in all this: "It's like a field trip for grown people!" Later they get a giant lunch and letters from home. Yau gets a message from his kids, Boo gets a message from his sister Ellie Mae, and Dreamz gets emotional about the "deep stuff" HIS sister says in her letter.

BOO! TO BOO

The winners return to camp, and Alex delights as Boo and Stacy start complaining to him about how annoying Boo is. As annoying as he is, he doesn't have a fan-club on the jury, like ALex does, though. And wouldn't Boo make an ideal Final-Two partner? Ala Clay?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

It's one of those several-part races, where on person wins the first leg, in this case, Boo. I didn't take very good notes during this part, so four months later, I can't tell you what exactly Boo did to move onto the Final, but anyway, the next two people have to dig up steps to place on this tower kinda thing and race to the top. Alex makes this big show of how desperate he is, yawn. Jeff chides Cassandra for how meek and ineffective her strategy is. Dreamz digs up all the steps and finishes the leg before anyone else can find a single step. Cassandra quits, and much to Yau and Earl's consternation, ALex moves on to the Final race against Boo and Dreamz. Fear not, gentlemen, becaus3e Alex is so determined to win "ninja style" that he decide not to USE the steps, thinking he can scale the tower without them and go down in Survivor History as the most-awesomest competitor ever. Instead, Boo wins. And in the interest of fairness, I do have to mention that Boo may be dumb and weird and annoying, but he's got a mighty-fine build.

LAST-MINUTE CHANGE OF MIND?

Yau and Earl are thrilled and feeling safe and pretty now that Alex is surely going home. Yau even speculates that he doesn't even NEED his Immunity Idol. Alex tells us that he simple refuses to beg for his life, that he'll let others come to him. Cassandra comes to him to tell him she's proud of the game he's played, and he starts rambling on about he wants his CHILDREN (that he doesn't have) to be proud of him one day, groan, and then he tells her this would be the perfect chance to take out Yau. He warns her that Yau WILL take out Dreamz and she does a lot of "Mmmm-hmmming," as is her custom, but soon you can see that Cass's wheels are turning, and the idea of a power-play HERE, that could take out Yau, is most-appealing. Then Alex lobbies Earl and Dreamz to dump Yau. Yau sees all the discussions being held outta his earshot, and starts to fret. Earl scoffs at ALex's idea and tells him, "I'd rather vote your ass out now." He's quite certain that Cassandra and Dreamz aren't taking Alex seriously at all, but he's grossly overestimated their loyalty to him, because Dreamz and Cass are VERY interested in getting rid of the likable Yau, not just because the jury is sure to give him the million, but because he's so close to Earl. Stacy is easily swayed against Yau, "I'm a follower," she shrugs. Of course, Dreamz is flip-flopping this way and that, and then Cassandra is concerned with how the jury is gonna look at such a betrayal. Honestly, Cassandra, the jury would probably be more impressed by anything resembling game-play, at this point. Things are looking bad for Yau, who has to play the Idol in advance if he's to save himself...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Mookie arrives, looking clean, but still full of bitterness and rage. Alex starts pontificating, "You know ME, Jeff, I'm gonna FIGHT, until the very end! Viva Alex!" Yau tells Jeff that he's not worried about going home tonight, as he trusts his alliance. Then Dreamz starts babbling, "It's definitely a possibility that Alex could sway three people over to his side, and secretly vote out Yau, Jeff." Alex starts choking on the words, "Dreamz, shut the hell up!" that are struggling to escape his angry lips. Yau wonders if this is all a ploy to flush the Idol out. ALex then insults everyone by saying, "I'm really surprised at how confident they all are, you have to think ahead!" Yau chooses not to play the Idol, and the flip-floppers decide not to keep insufferable Alex over good-guy Yau. Like ALex, Jeff makes a BIG deal about how this alliance will now have to start turning against itself, but it's not really a big deal, since this alliance was ALWAYS a very pragmatic alliance to get rid of Ed, Mookie and Alex.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Alex, who is originally from Colombia, graduated from Harvard Law and was also on that Ivy League school's boxing team. His exit speech is very much a PSA to the Youth of the World, he talks about giving it 110% (groan) and following your dreams. That's d-r-e-a-m-s, not D-r-e-a-m-z. Following your Dreamz will get you stabbed in the back, as Alex can surely tell you.

ALex is eliminated in 7th place. In Borneo, laid-back Gervase missed the birth of one of kids to finish in 7th place. In the Outback, a black lawyer and model named Nick finished in 7th place, and I'm tired of trying to convince you all of this fact. I don't care if nobody remembers him, it's the truth! In Africa, weird Frank was shot down and in the Marquesas, Tammy who I thought was gonna be so interesting and turned out so boring and bitter exited here. In Thailand, smug Penny and pretty said bye-bye and it was no surprise while in the Amazon, smug and pretty ALex said bye-bye and it was a HUGE surprise. In the Pearl Islands, Tijuana's game went South and in Vanuatu, LeAnn was ousted just as she turned the corner from rootable to irritating (under Ami's sway). In Palau, tough and entertaining Steph finally got snuffed out, but she returned in Guatemala to help snuff out Gary "Don't call me Gary Hogeboom" Hogeboom. On Exile Island, Bruce's digestive system did him in before his crappy teammates could and last season, it was finally lights out for the cagey and entertaining Jonathan.

Peace Out! Christine :D