Survivor 6.6

Night at Timbuktu, and Christy is shocked that Jeanne is gone--I love how naive contestants can still be on this show, "Why would anyone vote out Jeanne, she's so strong!" She claims, "I'm not mad at Heidi, I just needed to know what was going on." Ah c'mon, be mad at Heidi, it's the feel-good emotion that's sweeping the nation! She calls a meeting to ask "What the flip?" Roger tells her that Jeanne didn't bring anything to the tribe they didn't already have in Butch (huh?) and that they need to move forward as a new tribe. He raves about Christy and Heidi and what they have to offer. This confuses Dave, "I thought we voted out Jeanne because she was strong and she was next to go at Jabber Jaw and we knew I could flex my biceps and easily get Heidi to stab her in the back!" Um, yeah Dave, like Roger's gonna SAY that to Heidi and Christy? Roger insists there's no guarantee of a merger and so they need to bond. Heidi squeals, "I just want you guys to know that I voted out Jeanne because you don't come into a realignment and try to get 3 vs. 3 and force a tie-break and then have dominance, no siree. I did what I did so that we could all look at each other...and not look at Jeanne." In the words of Bugs Bunny, what a muhroon. Heidi always seems like she should be standing on the "Hee Haw" set in overalls and fake freckles on her cheeks, not comprehending that she's the butt of one of Roy Clark's jokes--she's the reason the dumb blonde ones were invented. Christy doesn't let it drop, "It sure felt like 4-1 when you all voted one way and I voted the other, so I'm glad you're keeping me for my strengths, if that's true." If these mofo's keep Heidi instead of Christy I will...totally expect it since it is, after all, Survivor.

The next morning, Heidi's all enthusiastic about the new tribe--because yeah, she really did fall for all that garbage the boys were spewing, and is bitterly disappointed when the men go off to fish, "You girls were gonna see about digging a new latrine, right?" Roger bosses. "I thought we were gonna go do something as a tribe where I'd be able to watch Dave's rippling muscles! It's almost like...they're still a tribe and we're the enemy," she marvels to the CBS cameraman who must be cute the way she keeps looking at him and talking to him/us even though Christy is standing right in front of her. Freaking talk to Christy, she's RIGHT THERE! As Heidi continues to lose her minimal body fat, the skin around her breast implants continues to pucker in a most unattractive way, so there.

At Jabber Jaw, the mood is light. Sir Matt can't say enough good things about his new tribe and situation. First he goes off on how great it is to brush his teeth after 16 days, "Heavens, this toothpaste id simply divine! Why, if I may be so bold, I dare say I may venture to eat a smidge of it." Rob grimaces with disgust. Then Rob brushes HIS teeth and invites any interested parties to come make out with him and it is MY turn to grimace with disgust--naturally there's no takers, creep! Sir Matt feels he has a new lease on life, so I guess all my talk last week about how unified the guys were was total crap. Matt and Rob were on the chopping block and are glad to be in a new situation with new possibilities and don't want to be an all-guy tribe at the end. I thought that would be the case earlier on, but I guess I believed Dave when he said he was being strategic in sending Alex, Matt and Rob away. Now it turns out Dave kept Roger and Butch because they are his alliance and he wants to be in the position to protect them and himself. Might come back to bite him, as Rob and Matt make new friends.

Deena likes the boys, despite her fears of becoming the easy target for dismissal: "I'm the oldest, and I don't have anything in common with these people. I'm intelligent, for example, I have direction and a sense of purpose to my life...and I don't have fake boobs. I thought I'd be threatened by the guys but I adore them and find them fascinating." Especially when they're dishing the dirt on their old tribe. Matt tells her, "My former chums were all so tactical about what they chose to divulge and what they didn't--there was so much deceit and gamesmanship--you all are so open!" Deena flashes that smug little smile of hers, "That's because boys are different than girls," she boasts. The deceived and out-maneuvered Joanna and Jeanne might have something to say about that, and I'll bet she wasn't so high on her own gender when she watched the show with her family and saw Heidi babble on about how resentful the older gals like Deena were of her cute body, or listened to Jenna be so open and free with Dave when she gave him the "How to dismantle the Girls Tribe in One Easy Step Handbook" within minutes of meeting him. Elsewhere, Shawna and Alex are lazing about and rhapsodizing about meeting one another while Shawna gives him a scalp massage. Jenna looks on with envy and attempts a joke, "Like, I feel like you guys are like, the couple at the Drive-In Movie and I'm like, the unwanted tag-a-long friend, huh huh." Um, that's because you ARE. How humiliating for her to be sitting there to just bask in some osmosis nookie instead of trying to develop some sort of friendship, good will, alliance with Matt or Rob. Have you ever seen a porn star or a B-movie twinkie interviewed on like, E! or something? Where they're sort of worldly and they try to come off sophisticated but they misuse words and just display a fundamental lack of understanding about how they're degrading themselves all the time? That's Jenna to me, right down to the vacant eyes, bored monotone voice and not-quite-right dumb girl laugh.

Alex and Shawna are just so thrilled to have found one another in this crazy, wacky messed-up Reality Show world. My crush on Alex is officially over, he's just so lame. Shawna declares, "We really like to take care of one another (bear in mind they've known each other for like, a day) and he's seen me at my worst already and that's like, really revealing and profound, y'know?" Uh, what *I* know is that since Alex was not around for your total crybaby meltdown he most certainly has NOT seen you at your worst. But you know who has? 30 million Americans. Because YOU WERE ON TELEVISION, dummy. And none of them are ever gonna wanna date ya, Shawna, none of 'em!

Deena and Rob go to get the tree mail for Reward info, hoping for news of food and disappointed when it sounds like a spice rack.

REWARD LIMERICK

Deena and Rob are fast friends
Well, actually means to an end
I hope it won't last
that one exits fast
Or else my TV I will rend

The new Jabbers take in the fact that Jeanne has departed and Jenna visibly grimaces, perhaps realizing her faux pas with Dave had something to do with it. Heidi glances over at Deena and Jenna with a look of feral guilt. She really is very rat-like and unattractive in my opinion and it just goes to show what some boys will over look when distracted by big ta-ta's, fake or no. Rob was being kind when he said she had slipped down to a 6 on a 10 scale, I'm just saying. The challenge involves standing on a log longer than your opponent and then splashing into muddy water, the reward is a bunch of spices and a bunch of fresh fruit. Deena sits out for the one-up Jabbers, who score an early lead when Matt outlasts Roger (and beats on his chest like Tarzan--Matt is one odd duck) and Heidi does the same with Shawna (not the Tarzan part--might be dangerous as contents in that region are under pressure). Then Timbuktu wins the next three, including Butch beating Rob and Christy beating Jenna! Yeah! The Jabbers win the next two but the winning combo of Butch and then Christy brings the Reward home for Timbuktu:) Both of Christy's wins come against a not-even-deigning-to-try Jenna, who seems eager to avoid falling in the mud despite the fact that that's impossible. Jenna sucks!

Back at Jabber Jaw, Alex gives the "pshaw, Reward ain't no thing" speech that losers always give on Survivor. True, Immunity IS everything, but winning reward often means getting food which leads to physical and mental strength. The Jabbers decide to take a communal bath. Deena's kind of grossed out by what she calls the "monkey grooming" of the others as they lather one another up and comb each others hair. All three guys take turns scrubbing Shawna who doesn't mind one bit because she's a bath slut. Rob and Alex are both wearing very revealing Speedo likesuits, bleh. Afterwards, Rob does his Sandleresque whisper voice that puts ice in my veins and gloats, "I just want to say for the record that I just took a bath with a swimsuit model." Rob is like a refugee from "Porky's" or any of several thousand similar 80's movies about teenage boys obsessing over seeing boobies and getting laid. I was under the impression that neither goal is all that difficult in our modern world (especially the first one, jeez, get cable).

The Timbuktutians return to camp to find their fruit awaiting them. By the way, anyone else surprised that they haven't shown any of the girls gushing about the guy's awesome shelter, or the boys bitching about how much the girl's one lags? Anyway, Roger counts all the fruit and makes sure that everyone knows that HE knows how many limes they have. Christy is exalting in being able to defeat her nemesis, the bitchy Jenna who never bothered to try to talk to her because, "she's like, deaf?" Heidi pats her on the back as if she supports her--probably looking for a soft spot to stick something sharp. Heidi gushes about how super it is that they are a new tribe free of old alliances and Dave flinches--Heidi in their final four my butt. Butch calls Christy's victory one of the defining moments he's seen in sports and he's been coaching 30 years. He praises Christy for her spirit and states, "you don't have a disability." Christy is moved. Butch is the bomb.

A crocodile takes a long hungry look at an otter, who swims off swiftly--no doubt he's headed to a jug band jamboree of some sort. Deena and Rob cement a sort of alliance. It's evil but it's smart, dang it. Rob is ready to cast off former-ally Alex, who has become lost in Shawna's eyes. Deena insists that she has Heidi and Jenna's votes whenever she needs them. When Rob expresses some remorse about getting rid of pals Shawna and Alex, Deena replies with a cold shrug and a tight smile, "They're friends you've known for 16 days!" I contemplate a final four of Deena, Rob, Heidi and Jenna and consider flipping over to war coverage. Rob tells Deena it was always his plan to turn on the guys once the guy/girl thing was over, which sounds like the truth. Deena is surprised to learn of Rob's disdain for Sir Matt, and Rob acknowledges that he needs to suck it up and keep Matt around, "He catches a lot of fish and we need his vote." The first time I heard this I swear I thought he said "boat," and I was like, "No way, Matt brought his own BOAT!?" I probably shouldn't have admitted that. I hate to say it, but Rob might be playing a smart game :(

Rob goes fishing with Matt and runs a scenario by him: They merge and the two of them go back to Dave, Roger and Butch and claim that they were loyal to the guys and that they're ready to vote out a girl but instead they'll vote out Roger or Dave. It's interesting that they don't say Butch, he's certainly a threat to anyone else in a final vote and he's stronger than they're giving him credit for--which is fine by me. Fly under that radar, Butch! Sir Matt likes the plan, "I was verily gratified by Robert's overture of comradeship which I found to be quite genuine." Of course Rob can barely stand to be near him and complains, "Matt is an idiot, he has no concept of what's going on around him--including the fact that I'm playing him for a sucker." Matt tries to bond with Rob, "I must admit I do enjoy the company of the fair Shawna--not that I have come all this way in order to "scope for affection" as you might say, old boy." Rob refrains from beating him to death with a piranha, "As soon as that drip stops catching fish or doing as we say, he's out!" I'm sure that's what Stoopid Sue and Rudy said about Richard Hatch...

THE LAVISH ATTENTION ON SHAWNA GAME

For some reason, the Jabbers play a version of the Dating Game where each of the men comes up with "Their perfect date with Shawna." It makes total sense to her, "What's more fun than talking about me?" Shawna so should have been on "The Real World," it's more her speed. She's not crafty like Heidi and Jenna, and she honestly can't see past herself. Alex comes up with "picking you up late morning, we go climbing, have a picnic lunch...and top it off with E.L. Fudge cookies!" He was a little too into the cookies, imho. Sir Matt describes renting a chauffer-driven limo and driving to...er...a hill with an unparalleled view. He also oddly insists on her being "well-rested." Are we sure he hasn't killed anyone? He tells us that he was at a disadvantage because he's from D.C. and "there's just not as much to do as opposed to Los Angeles or New York." All we need to know about Matt is that he lacks the imagination to set his outing in another city in a PRETEND date. And did ANYONE assume Alex's date was necessarily set in LA? Could've been anywhere. Not true of Rob's date, "It's Christmas time in New York, and we take in a Wednesday matinee on Broadway. Then we go ice-skating in Rockefeller Center." That's it folks but the girls all go nuts, "That was like, the most amazing make-believe date I've ever been on!" Shawna squeals. What amazed me was that he didn't try to squeeze anymore New York clichés in there like bagels and the Sunday New York Times, or taking a carriage ride through Central Park, looking at the window displays on 5th Avenue, blah blah blah. Anyone's who ever been to the movies EVER or just watched television could have come up with that date, New Yorker or no. Shawna thrills, "I need the presence of guys fawning over me and they've totally saved me from they boring all-girl thing." The next morning, as Alex and Shawna cuddle, Matt comes into the shelter, lies down next to them and uses Shawna's head as pillow. Neither objects, although Alex is peeved. Shawna isn't because she's a whore. Deena wants her lazy-ass out of there--gee, ya think? It made EVEN more sense 6 days ago.

Immunity Limerick

Rip at the beef like piranhas
If you don't want to end up as goners
tempting to eat
this wonderful meat
We love heaping cruelty upon ya's

Butch and Christy go to fetch the mail and find a giant bone. Butch cracks up Christy when he jokes, "I'd hate to meet the dog this goes to." Oh, Butch you're such a card. The Jabbers sit out Jenna as usual because she sucks. Timbuktu wins, Butch and Christy are safe!

The Jabbers have a revealing team meeting about who's being voted out tonight. Deena opens it up by declaring she doesn't want to go. Shawna agrees but insists to the boys that she be voted out before Jenna and Deena, which was kinda nice but kinda wimpy and self-serving--in other words, kinda Shawna. Alex sticks up for her and praises her for her miraculous turn around from depressed weak-link to vivacious ho. Alex is really disappointing me. Then he tells Matt the guy vote should be split between them and that he'd be voting for Matt tonight. Matt claims he will send a vote at Alex in turn. Jenna frets, "I don't want to vote for Shawna because she's like, pretty like me...but Matt has a really nice body." Shawna claims that Alex is "too important" to her and that she'll be voting for Matt also. Rob despairs to the cameras, "I thought this meeting was gonna go like this: Shawna would say it's okay to vote her out and everyone would be all emotional about doing it--but now, because Alex won't vote for Shawna he's thrown Matt into the mix! Don't get me wrong, I hate Matt the same way I hate just about everybody but I've been spending all this time--excruciating time--getting to know this weirdo and now he might be in danger of leaving! Crap!" To the gang he says, "It sucks that everyone I want to get rid of is on the other tribe." Yeah, sure.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff notes how sad everyone is and Shawna says it's because they all wuv each other so (gag me). Jeff asks Alex if he's become especially close to anyone and Alex raves, "Oh I love Shawna. We're now inseparable and I want her to be my wife and if she says no I'll just stalk her and her family until she either agrees to marry me or jump off the Golden Gate Bridge with me--I'm easy." Deena pretends to like other people and sells the whole "We're the Love Tribe" line that worked so well for Rotu until they realized how hate-filled they were. Rob's eyes almost roll right out of their sockets as Sir Matt says in his most haughty tone, "I relish the role of provider, as eating food is important. And as such, eating twelve fish a day certainly has it's advantages." I think Matt is an alien from another planet, trying to learn our ways. Rob does his, "I'm just a clown, don't feel threatened by me" bit and everyone continues to buy it, "Oh Rob and his silly songs, always trying to make us laugh. Can't vote him out for THAT!" Wake up, people. Shawna insists she's completely rebounded from her dark night of the soul and is ready for the long haul and you just know she's doomed. Jeff's last question is for Deena, "How do fit in with these kids when you're SO DAMN OLD?" She continues to fatten up her prey with phony compliments, and they eat it up greedily, "Deena's so cool--she really *gets* me!" It should be noted that *elderly* Deena is a mere three years older than 32-year-old Alex, for what it's worth.

Matt sweats profusely during the vote ( a flaw in the manufacturing) but Shawna goes down 4-2. The girls are down 6-4 but that doesn't *seem* to matter, since Alex has shown he's willing to vote out a guy and Rob and Matt certainly don't seem interested in being Dave, Roger and Butch's 4th, even if they'd take either of them. This spot is HISTORICALLY the last vote before the merge, but CBS is being very coy about that. This is the point in the game where we lost Joel and it still bugs me that he paid for a comment Gervase made. Michael passed out into the fire in week six, the week Lindsay's croaky voice was finally, mercifully silenced. We also more recently lost Good Gina and Badd Dumbb Robb at this stage. The promos (besides showing the skanky bitches getting even skankier) are hinting about a "big shake-up" as the contents of the secret locked boxes we saw in week one are finally revealed. My guess is we do merge--individual immunity is just more interesting TV and Burnett and co. know it. I think the twist must involve immunity--perhaps the chance to give someone else immunity IN ADDITION TO oneself (INSTEAD OF oneself was a total bust in the Marquesas) or perhaps when you win Immunity you HAVE to give it to someone else, thus revealing your alliances? I dunno, and personally I don't think the game needs that much tweaking. You don't change the rules of baseball every World Series, do ya? Anyway, with alliances in flux I predict Rob, Matt and the girls sans Christy teaming up to oust Roger. We will see! :D

Peace, Christine