Sorry kids! I have reasons, but no excuses. So removed are we, from the
emotion
of
the game, I considered not even bothering--but the guilt and lack of
closure was too too much for me. So, here's a late...and fairly
weak--though rather long--Survivor Finale review!! Okay, remember
Survivor? I know its fading. Let me take you
back....
Night at motomaji. Glowing growling eyes loom in darkness as the final
four, Lex, Tom, Ethan and OnlyKim congratulate one another on, well, being
the final four. The next morning though, Lex is still riled up about
T-Bird's parting words to him: that Tom had told her not to trust
him, and that's why she voted the "mystery vote." To Lex it makes perfect
sense: "Survivor is so totally complex, but after 39 days, I've figured it
out, man! All the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place, revealing a
dark and wondrous tableau of PEOPLE CONSPIRING TO TAKE MY MILLION
DOLLARS!!" Lex tells Ethan what T-Bird said, and Ethan avoids eye contact
and nods his head, the way you might if a homeless person sat next to you
on the bus and started talking about the tracking device the CIA has
implanted in his nose. He's skeptical about T-bird's "confession" and says
as much to OnlyKim, who understands, but informs Ethan that Tom also told
her a few times that it'd be OK if she voted for Lex on several occasions.
Fair Ethan is troubled by this.
Lex is not. Lex is thrilled. Because, if people are plotting against Lex,
it means people are thinking about Lex. He has also taken to referring to
Only Kim as "Mama Cat" in a most obnoxious way. I think Lex is the kinda
guy who gives you a nickname whether you want one or not. He raves to
Ethan, "I'm gonna make him shake on our alliance! I'm gonna triple dog
dare him to betray me! I'm gonna make him pinkie swear! I'm gonna make
him
swear on his son's name that his loyalty and allegiance lies only with me,
the
MIGHTY LEX!!" Then he tells us, "I've worked too hard at leading everyone
else to the slaughter...to be, er, led to the slaughter!" Sorry Lex, but
the thing of it is, turnabout actually IS fair play. Then he wonders, "Is
anyone out to eliminate me?" Uh, duh, Lex, EVERYONE. Everyone else wants
to win too.
Lex and Tom go out to get wood and Lex demands answers from Tom during
their "man to man" talk. "Look Tom, I believe in having everything out in
the open, except for every single vote I've cast besides the one for
CB. Did you tell T-Bird that I couldn't be trusted??" Tom categorically
denies it, and openly mocks Lex to the CBS cameras. Lex has won almost
everything, and made his "leadership" role well known, its ridiculous for
him to be hurt or surprised by the votes cast against him. But then, Tom
admits to Lex that he did say to several people that it would be okay to
vote for Lex, and Lex stamps his feet and cries like a two-year-old.
"Nuh-uh! Yuh-huh!" ensues and the men return to camp without Tom's
"reswearing." Tom says he already swore, his word is his word, and that's
just gonna have to do. Lex is unimpressed with both Tom's maturity and his
integrity. Tom also reminds Lex that he could have gotten rid of him: "Ehn
tohm I wohned, alls I hed tuh doo wehs rot threh
lill lehers, L-E-X." And hey lex, he actually knows how to spell your
name too, so look out. Tom is trying to impress upon Lex that he actually
hasn't betrayed him, but Lex takes it wrong and raves madly to the camera,
"I'm not here on anyone's good graces! No one carried me along! Lex is
here because of Lex!! Wahhhhhh!!!" He tells Ethan that Tom refused to
reshake, but Ethan is too good and honest and true to dissolve his
partnership with Tom this late in the game. Lex is too enamored with his
false perception of himself as a stand-up guy to do it either. Lex makes
sure that the cameras capture how tormented he is by all this.
I hate Lex.
The final four go up to the rocks and, as Lex obnoxiously puts it, "Zen
out." Ethan tells us how his life and outlook has been changed by the last
37 days. OnlyKim feels fortunate to still be there, and realizes it's all
up to her now to avoid being voted out by the cool guy alliance. Tom tells
us he feels lucky to be there, and knows he didn't get there on his own.
Lex says, "I'm so close to getting MY million dollars, I can taste it!
Screw everyone else, I rule Africa and the world!!!! Raahhhh!"
Immunity Haiku:
We hope you listened
Cuz even if you don't care
You need to know stuff
It's the "how much do you know about everyone else" quiz, and Tom is
especially fretful about his ability to recall. Ethan worries that if he
doesn't remember something, it might come off to the jury like he's an
insensitive bastard. Oh, Ethan, that's so ridiculous--and cute! :)
The challenge is at tribal council, meaning they'll have to vote
immediately after--no consults, no cooling off. I wish they'd do this more
often--hike to tribal council after a rough challenge and just vote. Jeff
reminds everyone, "This game is about relationships, damn it!!" No one
gets the first question right: What rank did Frank achieve in the
army--everyone guesses high, except Ethan, who says he was a sergeant. He
was actually a Staff sergeant. Now, if that was a question on "Win Ben
Stein's Money" or "jeopardy," They'd at least give him a "More specific"
and let him expand. I think Ethan got rooked here. Everyone remembers
than Kelly listed "manipulating men" as one of her hobbies on her
application, but only Tom remembers that Lindsey was the first to hit a
target during the archery competition (though he spells her name "linsy").
Now I know why he named his kid "Bo."
Everyone remembers the names of Theresa's kids, and that Jesse was a
sheriff in Orlando, Florida. Everyone remembers that Brandon has a black
widow spider tattoo, but only Lex and Only Kim know it's on his back. Of
course Lex knows, it's probably the first question he asks anyone. A Black
Widow spider seems an odd tattoo for a gay man...or then again, maybe not.
Everyone knows Franks kids. The last question is, who is the only woman on
Survivor not to have ANYTHING pierced, not even her ears. What a
humdinger. Only Onlykim gets it right--it's Kelly. Kim wins! Kim wins!
Kim wins! Amazing!
Onlykim votes for Tom, as does a sorrowful Ethan. He says, "You carried
me, but you're impossible to beat with the jury." I don't think that's
true, but Ethan's humility is so damned sexy--er, that is...inspiring.
Yeah. Tom votes for Lex, saying its been fun, but one of them has gotta
run. he says it would have come down to the three men if, "Round one
hadn't gotten immunity"??? I swear that's what the said. Closed caption
doesn't even try, it skips the sentence all together--cowards. Maybe he
says "One of us had gotten immunity"? No clue. Anyway, Tom is voted out,
and I wish he'd
outlasted Lex, who is smugly smirking--he thinks Tom's being punished for
"betraying" him, but Ethan has his head in his hands, he feels like crap,
cuz he's decent. Tom was wearing out his welcome with me, so I wasn't
broken up about it.
The next immunity challenge begins just a few hours later. Jeff arrives in
the pitch black early morning to roust the final three up. Lex has had
diarrhea all night but explains, "The game of Survivor never sleeps, man.
It never takes a time out!" Lex talks about Survivor like it's Fight
Club--if you *could* talk about Fight Club.
Then we get a rather embarrassing "rite of passage" with the locals
performing this ritual like Lex, Ethan and OnlyKim are warriors or
whatever, but it's not as bad as Colby and Tina throwing the tiki's off the
cliff and Colby raving about "The Land" and whatnot. I like the part where
they visit the totems and we get a snippet of everyone's exit interview (we
even get to hear Linda rave about Mother Africa" one last time) but hopping
around drenched in pig fat or whatever...it was just too hokey for me. I'm
not really concerned, as a couple TV critics were about CBS sullying the
African culture, because these guys are named Malcolm and Christopher, and
they
wear Nike's back in the village. Whatever you're worried about, it's
already happened. I just think it's silly is all.
Time for the final immunity challenge. Just like first season, it involves
holding on to a pole for hours--whoever lets go is out. This time, they
have to also keep their feet on posts, so it's less comfortable. One would
think that a physical contest would go to the boys, I certainly did. My
heart sank when Ethan gave out first. He's furious with himself for
choking in the big game, but, like the true sportsman he is, goes back to
the post to give Kim and Lex a peptalk, sigh:) After three hours, Lex's
body gives out and Kim is the surprise winner!!! :D I can't articulate
what an upset this was. I'm trying to think of an appropriate metaphor...I
guess it's a little like an unheralded, overmatched team like, I dunno,
let's say The New England Patriots, coming into the Superbowl and somehow
managing to beat an overhyped, overconfident, heavily favored team like the
St. Louis
Rams (hee hee hee). Off topic, Hey ScRams, start talking about "dynasties"
after you've won more than one Superbowl--and yeah, you do have to actually
outplay the "inferior" team across from you in order for it to count. Hee
hee. I'm gonna be giggling about that Superbowl all summer.
ANYWAY, those of us who doubted the 57-year-old Kim's ability to outlast
Lex and Ethan weren't thinking straight. Yeah, they're both men and
athletes--but neither of them have ever given birth, and I'll bet three
hours standing on a couple posts is a picnic compared to that. Kim's 57
years of life experience wasn't a negative. It was what gave her the
mental toughness and the will to endure the challenge.
Back to camp, and both men try to be nice--but not *too* nice to "Mama
Cat." Arrrgh, shut up Lex! Ethan and Lex shake on the alliance that got
them this far. And just like that, it's time for another tribal council.
Jeff raves about Kim's asskicking immunity win, and the jury seems shocked
and mostly pleased to see her with the power. Both men refuse to lobby for
themselves, instead they tell her to vote her conscience. Kim goes into
the voting booth, gets all weepy, and begs, "Please forgive me." I was
much afeared, as I couldn't comprehend anyone crying over that sack of crap
Lex, but that's the case because she votes out Lex. Lil' Kim shares a look
of surprise T-bird. Ethan cries. Brandon cries. I cry tears of joy.
Buh bye, Lex
:D Our long national nightmare is over.
Kim and Ethan walk happily back to camp, and Kim speaks for the Nation when
she says, 'I did the right thing." Ethan is grateful. This is the second
year in a row where we've had two friends at the end instead of mortal
enemies like Kelly and Rich. Also, it's the second year in a row where
nothing dreadful can
happen. Colby and Tina were pretty equal with me, and my love for Ethan
notwithstanding, I wouldn't be mortified if Old Kim won. I mean, a few
weeks back I was fretting about Tom and Lex as the final two--Que Lastima!
Ethan frets that he's won so few things--will he come off as undeserving?
As some dull nice guy who's been brought along by the true competitors??
Kim tells him that's ridiculous, and I quite agree. For some bizarre
reason, Ethan tells us that he thinks he'll get the guy votes and that Kim
will get the girl votes. Uh Ethan, trust me on this, you got plenty of
girl votes:)
The jury prepares for their moment in the spotlight. Brandon and Kelly
both have their minds on revenge and revenge on their minds, while Tom's
goal is to make them "scratch
their heads and say, "How stupid is Ol' Tom Buchanan?" Tom, you had us
Hello.
Neither candidate bothers lobbying the jury--they both do the "Thanks you
guys, vote your heart" thing. They both feel they've played the game with
integrity.
Brandon asks the first question, and he lies by saying how he hasn't made
up his mind even though he told us before that he HAD. He tries to make
them both feel a little uncomfortable by pointing how neither of them
must've liked him much cuz they got rid of him so fast, but, since Brandon
is still a conniving little sh**, they don't feel bad at all. He asks them
to pick the one
person, out of all those on the jury, they would MOST want to be where they
are, and they BOTH pick Lex. Are they suffering from a form of Stockholm
Syndrome?
Then Brandon asks who amongst the jury would they NOT want up there at all.
Ethan picks Brandon, ouch, and doesn't really elaborate. Kim picks Tom,
saying 'I
love you, buddy, but you're manipulative, chauvinistic...and towards the
end, you became kind of a d***. She keeps calling him "buddy" and "friend"
in the same passive-aggressive way Colby and Keith were calling each other
"brother" by the end of the game last season.
Lex is next, and I was SO depending on Lex to give a "snake eats the rat"
Stoopid Sue rant, but instead he's gotten all Buddha-on-the-Mountaintop on
me, and asks them "When we get back to the world, what's the first selfless
act you're gonna perform, man?" Did he smuggle in an Ungame?? Ethan wants
to start a Soccer league for underprivileged kids, Kim wants to help aleve
the AIDS crisis in Africa. Lex gives them this Mona Lisa smile and floats
back to the jury box. Whatever.
Frank congratulates them for a game well-played. He wonders what they
think are the five most important traits in Survivor? Ethan says, "A great
physique, nerdy glasses, a sweet smile, a nice disposition and floppy,
bewitching hair." No, wait, those are MY answers! :) Ethan says, "will
power, strength, integrity, intelligence and luck." Kim says, "respect,
thoughtfulness, flexibility, love and understanding." Snore...I would've
mentioned "alliances."
Then Kelly arrives and GOES OFF. "Why'd you guys betray me? Why'd ya sell
me out, huh? For all your talk about integrity, how can you live with
yourselves knowing that your victory comes at my expense? I didn't cast
the mystery vote you bastards!! Neither of you made a relationship with
me, F*#@ you both, pick a number between 1 and 1000, nyeh nyeh nyeh!" Now,
I thought Kelly came of rather badly here, but on the other hand, she was
screwed over a mere 2 weeks ago. And if I were screwed over--accused of
something I didn't do, punished for it, and Kim and Ethan never came to me
to get my side of the story or whatnot, and then stood up before me and
talked about their integrity...I'd still be pissed off. She doesn't owe
them a
dang thing, and if you're mad at both of them, may as well flip a coin or
pick a number. At least she had the decency to be interesting.
Lil Kim stands up and I swear they were playing the score from "The
Shawshank Redemption." She claims to have learned the most from Tom and
Frank (zuh!?) and wonders who they learned the most from, and who they
learned the least from. Old Kim rather conveniently says she learned the
most from Lil Kim, and her decision to walk away from a wedding at the last
minute. She was impressed at her loyalty to Brandon as a person, despite
her profound disappointment in him as teammate. "I learned the least from
Tom--no offense, nothing personal, I just think you're a dumb ol buffoon
Tom, that's all." I think Old Kim may have been strategic here. I think
the ONE vote she was sure she wasn't getting was Tom's, so she picked on
him whenever it was called for--they can only vote against you once, after
all.
Ethan says he learned the most from his "safe place," Teresa--gee, that
sounds like an interesting relationship--funny I never saw it on TV.
Sounds a lot more compelling than Tommy's boil. He then wisely uses the
negative to mend a fence, saying he learned the least from Kelly--"You're
right, I never got to know you, but it was great sitting next to you in
Tribal Council Class. Have a great summer--stay sweet! F/F, Ethan Zohn."
Then, I hope you're sitting down, Tom makes an ass out of himself! I know,
I couldn't believe it either. He basically asks the pair if a hyena came
into camp and ate their mush and then licked its butt, was it trying to
clean itself or trying to get the taste of the mush out of his mouth? I'm
sure this is high comedy out on the goat farm tractor with Pa and Bucky Bo,
but...honestly. What
was worse was how foolish Kim looked trying to answer it seriously. Even
Brandon looked embarrassed for her. T-bird is last, saying, 'that's a
tough act to follow." She wonders if they regret saying anything during
the game that they wish they could take back. This might be her sort of
apologizing to Tom for the "Lex can't be trusted" thing, which I just don't
believe happened. Both Ethan and Kim duck the question. Kim apologizes to
Kelly for helping Lex oust her without having all the information. Ethan
apologizes for wrongly assuming it was Frank (did we even see that?). I
think it's good not to be too apologetic at this stage, unless you've
REALLY hurt someone. It comes off as weak in such a primal setting, and in
this case, Kim and Ethan were equally "guilty" of hurting Kelly, so taking
more blame doesn't help. Last year, Tina and Colby both brilliantly turned
the same type of question against Jerri, by apologizing to Kel for helping
Jerri oust him. You have to seem like you believe you deserve it as much
as the person next to you.
Jeff gives the jury instructions, and Ethan seems amused by the concept
that either he or Kim might be construed as "the lesser of two evils" by
anyone. Brandon votes for Kim. He reveals that he never really liked Kim,
and was planning to vote for Ethan, until Ethan dissed him on his own
question. Lil Kim can't deny the Power of Kim, and votes for OK. Tom GOES
OFF on Old Kim, saying that she reminded him of some old nosy broad in his
town, and how she's lucky that the men carried her and that was all his
doing, because he made the call to drag along "the weakest woman" and that
was her. Well gee, Tom, she outlasted you so I guess you were wrong, huh?
What a jerk. He reminds me of the St. Louis ScRams after the game, saying
"sometimes the best team doesn't win." I mean, suck it up and take it like
a man.
I don't believe in such things, but I'm convinced Old Kim and Big Tom were
married in a previous life...
Kelly performs a scene form "The Graduate," and votes for Ethan's Dustin
Hoffman to Kim's Anne Bancroft. Does Kelly see herself as Katherine Ross
and is THAT why she's really so bitter?? Hmmm. Anyway, those are the only
four votes that are revealed. Then they pull a switcheroo. We come back
from commercial, and it's the LA soundstage--though they do a pretty
remarkable job at recreating the scene. It's only the healthier, heftier
and washed survivors that give it away. Ethan crosses his fingers. Jeff
tallies the votes. He makes a speech and reminds them that the winner gets
a million bucks (the runner up gets a not-at-all-shabby 100 grand). He
lets them vent a bit if they want, and Ethan admits he's a little peeved at
Kelly's "Pick a number" strategy. One, she doesn't owe you fair, Ethan.
Two, she was just playing with you. Which Ethan finds out when Jeff reads
the votes (including Tom's "Eathan") and ETHAN WINS SURVIVOR
AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Yay.
Kim's torch is extinguished, everyone gather around Ethan, the crowd
erupts, the old school tribe members who weren't on the jury are let in,
and it's an Ethan Lovefest!! Yay!!
And then Bryant Gumbel shows up to crash the party and it's all downhill
from there. He's so smug and above it all, so why does he bother? He even
mistakenly calls Ethan 'Ethan ZORN." Why can't Jeff Probst do this? Ethan
says
he set out to prove that you don't have to be evil and backstabbing to win
Survivor--somewhere, Tina is like, "...."HEY!" I thought she played the
game just fine. She wasn't AS fine as Ethan though ;) The most
terrifying moment for me was when Old Kim told Bryant that Lex was very
well liked--most of his weirdness was for the camera and not for them
(which ain't how I remember it). She claims that she would have lost to
Lex as well--which just puts a chill up my spine. THANK YOU KIM JOHNSON
FOR PICKING ETHAN!! The rest of the Q & A was fairly amusing. Tom sitting
there in his overalls doing his schtik. Diane is still bitter. Clarence
came off great, admitting his fault at "beancangate" with humor and grace
and honesty. Bryant really tries to stir things up at one point, wondering
how Clarence could just sit there while Tom threatened to shoot him for
stealing the food, and Bryant actually does a "young angry black guy" voice
to sort of imply 1) that Tom was being racist when he made the threat (I
think he would have behaved the same way if it had been Silas) and 2) that
Clarence was kind of a pussy for not standing up for himself. Clarence
handles it great, revealing that he was sooooo hungry, he was barely paying
attention to what they were saying. He gets the best line of the night,
saying "I haven't seen white people that mad since OJ got acquitted." Not
coming off as well is (surprise!) Lindsey, who doesn't own up to her
obnoxious behavior, instead doing her, "Things were said, things got out
of control, I'm very EMOTIONAL, that's just who I AM!" routine. Puhleeze.
Lex is back in drama queen mode, saying that he told his friends how brutal
and dangerous it was for them in Africa--'When I was finally able to talk
about
it." Maybe he can start a support group for "Survivor Survivors" with
Keith. Bryant reveals that Ethan and Lex DID get top dollar for the goats
they sold, but Ethan is still sure they rooked on the french fries. We
learn that Linda as well as T-Bird have lost brothers to AIDS. T-Bird
tells America that, despite what we all saw, Lex is the sweetest, neatest
guy in the whole universe. In a million, billion years, I'll never
understand how spending more time with that nut-job makes you like him, but
it seems to be the case.
Silas is still a dumb-ass, Brandon seems nicer, Lex, not surprisingly,
loves being a pseudo-celebrity and being noticed. Bryant passingly refers
to last year's Amber as "the dumb one" while discussing Kelly's attempt to
be a real woman as opposed to the "villain/sweetheart" archetypes that
usually appear on television. Because they make good television, dearie.
Then we get a preview of Survivor: Marquesas. It's gonna ROCK!! The
survivors will get no food from CBS, and will have to totally fend for
themselves. Poor corn meal and rice, out of a job. The new logo with it's
tiki looks SO
freaking cool, I definitely have to get a shirt this year. I just wish
they were
waiting until May or something, instead of starting at the end of this
month (Feb. 28--no, CBS DOESN'T pay me to plug this show, but they really
should!)
Bryant ends the program by asking Ethan a question and then not letting him
finish--Bryant Gumbel sucks!
The next week, there was an hour special about how the survivors were
adjusting. The sweetest was Big Tom, who was so humbled by his
inability to spell on national TV, he started a reading program for kids.
It just about broke my heart, kudos Big Bear!
Lil Kim seemed to be struggling a bit. We learned that she had a brother
who died in an accident recently, and Lex reminded her of him.
We learned that Carl is a very rich dentist indeed, and he don't have to
apologize to NOBODY!
Lex is suffering from PTFD--Post Traumatic Fame Disorder. "I'm still
dealing with the danger we faced out there, man! You can only understand
it if you've lived it!" Whatever. He says he was never cut out to be
ordinary--and he's got the ridiculous over-the-top tattoos to prove it! In
addition to the aforementioned eightball with a knife through it, he has a
Catholic school girl, a Devil head, and--I kid you not, A Samurai fighting
a snake. His wife has these kiddy tattoos, and will spend the REST OF HER
LIFE looking like she was attacked by kids with magic markers. I'm not one
to judge...okay, that's not true OBVIOUSLY. She just...causes me some
worriation. The big shocker was, Lex's music sounded okay. It wasn't
nearly as odious as I thought it'd be, and actually seemed...dare I say it?
Tolerable.
Lindsey's still crazy after all these months. Her Dad gives a pro-Lindsey
testimonial that boils down to "She's strong cuz I made her that way! My
princess can have whatever she wants!" Then her boyfriend tries to give
her a compliment and she takes it as an insult and makes him feel like sh**
on national TV. Lindsey is just a bitch.
Yup, Frank's a good guy.
Yup, Old Kim came from nothing and is now living the Vida Martha Stewart.
Jesse is a woman cop AND a boxer. She's cool, why couldn't she have kicked
ass on Survivor the way she does in real life?
Linda is still really into herself. We mortals can't possibly love Africa
the way she does--she even pronounces it "AH-frica," like a short "a" is
what, too westernized? She says that the way she enjoys the *journey* of
climbing mountains, and not just the destination, is "a metaphor" for how I
live my life." So's my writing reviews about other people's experiences,
rather than having any of my own :D
Silas is a devout Christian.....WHAT!?!!
Brandon is fun.
T-Bird is frighteningly driven.
Kelly is rich--and kind of funny.
Clarence is sweet and cool.
Diane is passive-aggressive and a very weird mother (don't tell her I said
that).
Finally, if you think you love Ethan all you can, you obviously missed the
special, cuz he gets even more loveable. I hate that he shaved the beard,
I thought it really worked for him. Anyway, we learn that Ethan went from
geek to gorgeous (the best ones always do) as an adolescent. Then we learn
that his Dad died of cancer when he was a teenager. His mother tells us
how he used to come home every night in time to help his dying father up
the stairs and put him to bed. Uhm, just out of curiosity...is converting
to Judaism hard? I might even give up bacon for that boy, if I really HAD
too....
O Ethan, My Ethan! I will watch Survivor: Marquesas, but no one will ever
take your place in my heart!
Bios for the new cast are up at the CBS Survivor website--I heartily
suggest you all check them out in preparation for the new season. The
cutest by far, in my opinion, is John--and yes, Shelly, I'm quite certain
that means he's gay. Peace! Christine:)
