Survivor 7.6 The reason we watch this dang show? Episodes like this! :D

BALBOA, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

The Drakes return from Tribal Council, and Trish comments on how classy Michelle was in her exit, and Rupert agrees. Everyone comments on how pointed Jeff was in questioning, Trish marvels, "It's almost like he has cameras and microphones in our camp," and Rupert apologizes, "I hope I didn't offend none uh ya, when I told the truth about what a bunch o' idiots ya were for throwing the challenge." "OH NO! WE HEART YOU RUPERT," the others insist. Rupert is ticked that the others still don't really believe they did anything wrong by giving Morgan some victory mojo when Drake had them on the ropes. Then he confides in little Balboa the snake that he wishes he'd voted out Shawn rather than Michelle. "At the beginnin' everyone knew a Drake was gonna win this. Now, it is in doubt," Rupert claims. Oh Rupert, no true scholar of this game was as confident in your future success as you. the next morning, Balboa is found dead in his little sack and Rupert cries, "It's a hard world." Shawn shakes his head, "Rupert has compassion for other living things. I don't understand such things but, that's Rupert! Ya gotta love it!"

BIG WHINY OSTEN: AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ALL MANKIND

A big ol' sea bird lands at Morgan Beach and begins attacking their orange team flag. Rhino has a way with animals and has a lot of fun talking to the bird he dubs "Pelican Pete" while the rest of the team laughs, enjoying the scene. When Rhino goes to the shelter, the bird waddles in and jumps on top of the sleeping area, apparently not wanting to be separated from Rhino (an instinct that I understand). The only perosn NOT having fun with all this is that big whiny baby Osten, who incurs the wrath of Tijuana when he tries to hit Pete with a stick to keep him away from him, "I'm gonnuh chahp that buhd's head ahf with a machete, I ain't playin' around!" Darrah drawls, "Ah think it's ralh funny thet Osten's lahk this big ol' guy but he's a' scared of every lil' buuug, y'all." Osten sniffs, "This wasn't a BUG, it's a BUHD! I don't LIKE animals, I have been bitten by them on more than one occasion and the next thing that bites me is GOIN' DOWN!!!" Then Osten tries to...psyche the bird out? I guess?? By sharpening a knife and glaring at his feathered nemisis. Andrew is peeved, "I was quite frankly embarrassed. It's JUST this sort of thing that will cause logical, pacifist beings like the Vulcans to want to keep us out of the United Federation of Planets in years to come, I'm just saying." Rhino makes sure the bird leaves camp without incident.

JONNY THROW FIT

Rupert wants to try to raise the shelter off the ground by another couple inches, to try to control the bug and crab bites they're getting at night. No one really wants to do it, but Rupert decrees it be so and then shirkin' Shawn wonders, "Could we maybe do this later when it's not as hot or after we eat, I mean, I don't think it's gonna do us any good anyway and we need our strength for the challenge, am I right?" Jon flips out and starts tearing the shelter apart himself and screaming "Shut UP!" and Shawn retorts, "Dude, YOU shut up," "No SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP," and this goes on for several scintillating minutes until Rupert leads the apoplectic Jon away to cool off. Sandra tells us, "I was glad that Jon put Shawn his place--and after all of Shawn's excuses, he wound up doing almost all the work himself. That dude's gotta realize that he ain't nobody's buddy here. He needs to work hard or he's gonna be going home."

BORING BBQ REWARD CHALLENGE

The Reward Challenge is for a BBQ grill, some spices, some lobsters and some steaks. The tribes have to shoot cannons at these painted foam ceiling tiles, which sadly do NOT shatter when they're hit. Instead they make a little "pock" noise and there's a little eensy hole in them--it's very unsatisfying and Drake wins. As usual, Jon visibly gloats at the demoralized Morgan's, who's win streak is stopped at 3. The Drakes have a big partay which Sandra decrees is "da bomb." The only cool thing about watching it was that Burnett and Co. brought back my FAVORITE Survivor background music, the "la la la la la la la la la" interlude jam from Survivor: Africa. Call me if you don't remember it, and I'll do it for you. It RULES! :D

JON SCREWS HIMSELF, BECAUSE HE'S AN ASS

Jon is this week's designated looter and he cannot contain his evil glee, "I'm gonna have fun, man. Their morale is like, waaaay low and Jonny Fairplay is gonna stomp on whatever morale remains so that when it's immunity time, heh heh....they uh...won't have any left." I SWEAR Jon has found some shrooms on that island--homeboy looks STONED out of his mind most of the time. Andrew and Tijuana are their usual diplomatic selves as they grit and grind their teeth in a effort to looked happy at Jon's arrival. Tijuana mutters, "He's an irritant--he's rude," before breaking out into her biggest fake smile and giving him a bear hug. Andrew refers to Jon behind his back as "Little Jon," then "Big Jon" to his face, hee hee. Or course, Osten is off sulking somewhere. Things start off well as Jon rather humbly reveals that the Drake's want Morgan's food pot as a preemptive strike in case Morgan tries to take THEIR pot--which came off lame to me since this is the SECOND pot Drake has looted from Morgan but, whatever. Andrew is surprised they don't want the shower and Jon says, "Nah--but I'd LOVE to wash my hair," and Andrew is more than happy to give him some shampoo as a good-will gesture. It's all going along nicely...

Then Jon claims that he's been nicer at that challenges and Andrew shrugs, "I don't mind anyone talking smack. I'm a man, I can take it. But you gotta understand how hard it is to lose SIX straight challenges." Jon smirks back, "Well, TECHNICALLY it was seven--we LET you get your first win so that WE could get rid of Burton. That's right, you didn't win nuthin', NUTHIN, see? It was all part of MY plan--how else can you explain me not kickin' anyone's azz? Now excuse my while I wash my hair, suckers!" As he's laughingly explaining this to them Rhino and Darrah smile tightly whilst Andrew and Tijuana frown--it's as much anger as the starving and exhausted Morgan's can muster at the moment. Andrew doesn't believe for a second that the contest was thrown, "We one fair and square and that little bastard comes over here to try and take that away from us!? That little pissant thinks he can come over here and ruffle our feather--NO, Osten, the pelican isn't back! I'm talking to the camera and using a metaphor...YES, I'll try to refrain from using animal-related metaphor's in the future now get out from under that fishing net! Anyway, AMERICA, to quote the great Tina from Survivor: Outback, "Let the games begin!" Jon's decision to goad the Morgan's by revealing Drake's (dumb) move illustrates why Jon is not the Richard Hatch-like puppet master he claims to be. Hatch waited until AFTER he won the million to point out how stupid he thought everyone else was but he was more than happy to let the others believe they were running the game until then. In his effort to appear in control of the game at all times, Jon has not only compromised his present tribe by blabbing this volatile Intel, he's perhaps irrevocably alienated 5 potential members of his new, MERGED tribe--and (God forbid, but) his jury.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

whatever Osten
all that really matters is
Andrew freaking rules

The tribes gather for the Immunity game and Darrah frowns as if to say, "Thet gal ain't raht" when Christa reveals her bug-eaten face and babbles, "Yeah, man, I'm just pretending they're like, new freckles, man." The challenge calls for three members of each tribe (Morgan's Andrew, Osten and Rhino, Drake's Christa, Rupert and Shawn) to stand on a platform with a wood bar resting on across their shoulders. Two members of the other tribe then decide how to allocate a series of weights, in attempt to get the weight-bearers to quit or fall down. Tijuana and Darrah focus on eliminating Drake's strongest member first, and load up on Rupert, while Trish and Jon attack Osten. Both men do pretty well and then Jeff says, "It's gonna come down to WILL," and on cue, Osten drops his weight and is out. What the hell is the point of all those muscles if you're to mentally weak to push through discomfort and to chicken to stand near a bird? Osten sucks. Trish jumps up and down all gloaty-like but it's short-lived as Rupert is knocked out as well. Trish and Jon focus on Andrew and Jon taunts, "We're breaking him right here," which is not even close to the truth. Andrew takes more and more weight and in his eyes? Eye of the Tiger, baby. Jon and Trish are floored when Shawn drops out, leaving only Christa for the Morgan's to load up. She manages to bear 140 pounds for some time--the weight that broke Osten--but finally buckles. Morgan Wins! :D Andrew collapses and cries, Tijuana kneels down to kiss his forward and cries, Rhino cries, I cry. Jeff gives Andrew some well-deserved props and then turns a mocking eyebrow to the Drakes, "I KNOW you weren't planning on going to Tribal Council THIS time, but I'll see ya tonight." It was such a perfect moment--I only wish that one of the Morgan's had gotten in Jon's grill and yelled, "Did you throw this challenge too, Fairplay?" Alas, they were too classy for such antics, and I had to do it by myself, standing on my couch.

BALBOA: NOT THE ONLY SNAKE IN DRAKE

Everyone's pissed at Shawn for quitting so easily and he shrugs, "Listen guys, I should have held on longer and I apologize. I'm gonna go sulk." Rupert is beside himself, "I want him OFF my island, and I want him out of MY adventure!" Yeah, again, WAY TOO. He goes fishing, leaving Trish, Jon and Sandra alone to their own devices and it turns out on of Trish's devices is a pointy knife that's just perfect for backstabbing. Trish and Jon are understandably concerned with the potential Rupert MAY have to switch over to the Morgans if there's a merge. Trish fishes, "You know, there's a certain hirsute 8-foot spear-fishing machine with a LOT of power right now, I'm just saying is all." Jon is ALL over it, "Boy, you said it Trish. I could NOT agree more, man." Trish is pleased, "I love Roop, but something doesn't feel right here....wait...is that my conscience? Nah, can't be, I say we get rid of Rupert." "All RIGHT! Sounds AWESOME, man," Jon enthuses. Sandra, who's frowned silently nearby the entire time offers, "Christa won't go for it." THAT'S her contribution to the plot, which doesn't concern Trish, "We don't need her--we'll get Shawn, it's a slam dunk." Sandra is pleased as punch with herself as she tells us, "The more we plotted the better I felt, the better Jon felt and the better Sandra felt." I don't know what Trish thinks she saw in Sandra, however, because all Sandra did was sit there all frowny-faced. Trish insists they tell Shawn, "At the very last minute--we'll tell him he's been saved from certain doom and he'll be in our debt for the rest of the game! This is the BIG SHOCK of the game, let me tell ya. Rupert going instead of Shawn, woo boy, I'm getting dizzy just basking in it!"

Well. Trish and Jon go off by themselves so that Sandra is alone when Christa returns and Sandra, bless her heart, spills ALL to Christa, who then informs Rupert that the plan has changes and that Jon and Trish are gunning for him. Rupert is not only betrayed, he's annoyed at their short-sightedness, "They don' even know if a merge is gonna happen!" Rupert beats Jon to the punch by asking Shawn to vote out Trish. Shawn chuckles, "I was bummed because I thought I was going to be next but it turns out that was NEVER gonna happen and the plan was to get rid of Rupert--so now he wants me on HIS side, heh heh, we'll SEE." Shawn is inexplicably drunk with power. YEs, he has options, but voting with Jon and Trish only forces a tie, while voting with the others is a sure thing--Trish is out and he lives to fight another day. I think Shawn's mind was made up before Jon approached him on the beach to tell him the vote was going against Rupert. "Where'd THAT come from?" Shawn gasps in well-feigned surprise. Jon talks of Rupert's power and invincibility in both challenges and in a final vote. Jon claims that Shawn is the person he trusts most in the game and Shawn, perhaps remembering Jon's arrogance when he ousted Burton and called attention to Shawn's part in that vote, looksd right in Jon's face as they head back to camp and smils, "I think everyone's gonna be shocked at the vote tonight, dude. EVERYONE." Jon doesn't get it.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff welcomes the once-mighty Drake tribe to their third-in-a-row Tribal Council, "You cocky bastards couldn't out-last those starving Morgans and you still have a belly full of steak!" Sandra agrees with Jeff's indictment Drake, while Christa deflects his praise of her strength, "Yeah, but I still dropped the pole, man. It was a total bummer." Jeff asks Rupert why he looks suicidal and Rupert sniffs, "I'm ready to cry, Jeff. We shouldn't BE here. We started off so strong and now all our power is gone. Plus, my pet snake died and I might be voted off. They see me as unneeded now thet thar's gonna be a merge an' I keep tellin' 'em there might NOT be a merge and I guess catching breakfast lunch and dinner for these ungrateful creeps don' mean a thing neither. I know at least half of this tribe wants me GONE." Trish frowns, no doubt thinking, "At LEAST half? We've got MORE than half, that's our whole plan--" Jeff interrupts her reverie, "Trish, are you surprised to hear Rupert talk like this?" "Well, YEAH, it was supposed to be a SECRET plan...I mean, that is to say, I'm just really sad to hear my good ol' buddy ol' pal Rupert sound so depressed. I had no clue he felt that way." Rupert quakes with rage while Sandra and Christa glare and roll their eyes. Jon and Shawn take in the whole scene with grins plastered to their faces: Shawn because he knows what's about to happen, and Jon because he THINKS he knows what's gonna happen. Jeff asks Sandra if SHE might be going and she replies in her usual frank manner, "Oh I KNOW it ain't me. The person who's getting voted out tonight is the person who LEAST expects it and it'll be sad to se them go but it has to happen for the good of the tribe, yo." Again, everyone laughs for different reasons.

In the voting booth, Jon cackles to Rupert, "The million dollar man always gets his way," while Christa declares that Trish that, "Hey man, you have no idea of how to play this game." Trish plays it all "gee I'm so sorry" telling Rupert he's got to much power, while Rupert calls Trish out for being spineless and two-faced. Shawn DOES cast his vote for Trish, inexplicably claiming "It's MY game now," as though it was mighty Trish and not his own dumb choices and weasel-like personality that's been standing in his way the whole time. Trish is out in a stunner, 4-2. Jon's look of genuine shock and dismay--perhaps the first GENUINE emotion we've seen from him was the kind of thing not only makes reality television worth watching, but makes life itself a little sweeter. Trish exits with a few shreds of dignity as she laughs, "You GOT me!" with fake good-sportsmanship. Trish joins other 11th place finishers Joel and Michael, the only non-winner to NOT be voted out of Survivor, he just got on fire and had to leave. Also gone this week: foul-tempered self-proclaimed bad-ass Lindsay, aspiring Alaska diner-owner Gina, Dumbb Robb and sickly and boy-crazy Shawna.

Tonight is the hardest ouster to anticipate: The tribes have merged at this point in every previous season, except in Thailand where they moved in together but didn't become one tribe. There's also a twist involving the ousted contestants but I refuse to accept that Burnett would give the losers another chance at the million. If he does, I'm OUT. If there's a merge, look for Morgan to target Shawn and Drake to target Osten (even though they SHOULD be aiming at Rupert and Andrew). Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 7.5

SHAWN IS A PUNK-ASS WEASEL

The Drakes return to camp after Burton's ouster, and Jon wastes no time in pointing out to the others that Shawn voted out his fellow Frat-Bat. Jon reveals to us that he told Shawn how the vote was gonna go down and advised him to go with the majority. Shawn tells us, "Well, I HAD a core alliance of Burton, myself, Michelle and I THOUGHT, Jon. But I gotta tell ya, in all honesty, I've ALWAYS been a little concerned about Burton." Uh...huh. I'm not sure what "master-strategist" Jonny Not Funny gets out of drawing attention to all this, but Shawn wastes no time in trying to curry favor with the rest of the tribe by insisting that he and Burton weren't that tight. "Hey, even though we spent almost every waking second together hanging out and making fun of the rest of you guys, Burton annoyed me more than you might think." Trish scoffs, "I find that hard to believe," "Do ya really?" "Uh, Yeah." "Well, you're wrong Trish, cuz he did! I mean, HELLO, doesn't it make sense that since I spent every minute of the last 12 days hanging around with him that I would have the most instances of annoyance? Think about it Trish, do the math! He thought he was better than everyone in this tribe--even me for cryin' out loud! And he ALWAYS wanted to be Batman and I'M Freakin' Batman, okay?" To the viewing audience, he tries to spin his last minute flip-flop as a brilliant game-move, "Hey, Burton and I were tight but this game isn't about tight, it's about a little thing called STRATEGY. I shook the whole tribe up by switching my vote as soon as I learned it was irrelevant which way I voted...the rest of Drake is gonna have to get up PRETTY early in the morning to figure out what I'm gonna do next." Riiiight. It's not as though voting the way of the majority was a bad move for Shawn, it's a sound move. But to paraphrase Billy Joel, it's no big sin to stick your two cents in when you know when to leave it alone, but Shawn went over the line he couldn't see it was time to go home. He had to be a big shot. He CONTINUES to trash talk the departed Burt, "Everything had to be Burton's way, it's like, HELLO? There's more then one person here!" But his obsequiousness only makes him appear weak (which he is) and his Burton-bashing only makes him look untrustworthy (which he is). Worse, he's now actually delighting in Michelle's precarious place in the tribe, "She's fighting for her life here because she voted for Christa--the only other person to do that is GONE," he mocks. I don't give a rat's patootie about Michelle per se, but all she's ever done to Shawn is be his friend and ally. Jon makes a big gesture of telling her not to worry about her anti-Christa vote, but she's worried. "I'm in trouble. I'm completely by myself out here." 'Fraid so, sweetie.

THE RETURN OF BIG WHINY OSTEN

Doesn't the fluty pirate music they use make you want to dance a little jig whenever you hear it? I LOVE it :D Day 13 dawns, and it's a lucky one for Morgan because they have temporarily secured the services of Rupert. He spends the early morning trying get the Morgan's to realize what stupid idiots they are without hurting their feelings. As was noted last week, the tide keeps rising and is coming right up to their beachfront shelter, thanks to their pitiful "retaining wall" that consists of a couple logs dug into the sand. Osten and Andrew agree with Rupert that the first order of the day should be moving the shelter back from the battering waves, but Big Whiny Osten isn't convinced, "Rupaht had some wacky theory about the moon having an effect on the tide--whatevah, I nevah heard of that. My point is, we haven't yet been carried out to see while we sleep, so I say, let's wait until that actually happens before we declah a state of disastah." Osten sucks. Even when he grudgingly agrees to the move-the-shelter concept, he suggests moving it up just few yards, to a place that's currently occupied the tribe's fire-pit. When someone logically concludes that would mean moving the fire-pit, Osten laments, "What, right this second!?" Then he complains that if they move to close to the jungle, they'll be attacked by mosquitos and snakes and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Darrah adds, "Osten wuz prihy aggruhvated cus he was jes wantin teh move it up from wahr it was at but that way we'd have teh move the fahr en all the logs, yeh know." M'kay. Rupert sighs, "These people work very hard at not working. They bicker and they bitch for hours--I know why it takes 'em hours teh do anything. I know why they don't do well at the challenges and I know why they aren't a very good tribe." Sounds like the Legislature. Forget Schwarznneggar, I think California needs Rupert! Osten's dumb plan is shot down, and Rupert helps the tribe move to higher ground. Rupert RULES!

EVERYONE IS TRIPPIN'

Meanwhile, the Drakes are fretting that Rupert is divulging their secrets to Morgan. Jon plants a seed of doubt by speculating that Morgan is offering Rupert all kinds of deals to join them after the merge and Shifty Shawn chimes in, "Three days is an awfully long time to be away." "Everyone is trippin'," Sandra marvels. Word.

MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRISONER

Rupert tells us, "I been dyin' uh thirst and hungry ever since I been here." So he goes out fishing, after explaining to Tijuana and Rhino how to use their spear. Which they've had THE WHOLE TIME. I mean, am I alone or didn't you all assume that Morgan didn't HAVE a spear? *Sigh* I know, they're MORGAN. Rupert dubs the hard-working and eager-to-learn Rhino a "good kid," and even regrets screaming at him when he lets a huge fish escape his grasp. Rupert catches a ton of fish and feeds the hungry Morgans, who hug and kiss him and extol his many virtues. Rupert RULES!

Sea Mail arrives, and Rupert has mixed feeling about playing for Morgan, "I love Drake, and I don' wanna see then lose. But on the other hand, I'd love teh shoe them that the reason they've been winnin' MIGHT have something teh do with me." For some reason, I was reminded of Burl Ives narration of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" as he said this. At the Reward Challenge, Rupert smiles and nods his approval when he sees that Burton has been vanquished in his absence. The reward is some water cans, soap and shampoo and the like, and a homemade shower and some raincoats. Jeff reminds Morgan that if they win, they'll also get the first piece of their treasure map, "Drake has already found their treasure, and enjoyed it." The Drakes kick the sand and mutter obscenities under their breath while flashing fake smiles to the Morgans in a half-hearted attempt at pretending that's true. The chocolate was good, anyway.

In the challenge, both tribes must paddle out in a canoe and jump into the water to unhook ladder pieces that are floating underwater. Once they've got all the pieces, they race back to shore and assemble the ladder while one team member dashes into the jungle and fishes an idol out of a well. Then that person climbs up the ladder to put the idol on a pedestal and slaughters a fatted calf as a sacrifice to the pagan god, Bail. It's amazing what the networks can get away with during the "Family Hour" these days. Drake gets off to a horrible start, and wanders of the course, while Morgan operates like a well-oiled machine. Rupert does the bulk of the diving. Jeff taunts Drake, "Jon's using the rudder as a paddle, not to steer!" Hee hee hee :p Morgan FINALLY kicks some Drake booty, which means they get the Reward booty! Jeff offers Rupert the chance to share in the prize he earned and returning to Drake later, but naturally he won't hear of it, "I love you guys," he tells Morgan, "But I wanna go home." It's the smart move.

THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

The Morgans revel in their new shower and all the smelly soap stuff they've won. Coach Andrew goes on and on about how yeah, Rupert helped, but it was really all about Morgan pride. "I was the fist time I really saw fear in their eyes, it was the first time they looked nervous." That's because it was the first time they actually TRIED to win and didn't, Andy. Darrah lathers up while the guys keep a respectful distance and refrain from leering. She says, "I think theh guys really respek us so I respek them raht back fer respected us bah not peepin' et us whahl we worshed up in the sharr." I think it's setting the bar pretty low if you're gonna give guys props for not being slimebags but hey, maybe that's why I'm still single.

BACK IN THE MOLD FOLD

Rupert is welcomed back with open arms. Jon wonders, "So how was Jenny Craig Island. Get it? They're starving to death, so they're losing weight so I called it Jenny Craig island?" Yes Jon, human suffering is hilarious, we know. Rupert confirms that Morgan is down to their last couple meals of rice. He's also quick to dis Big Whiny Osten, "Osten doesn't go in the water, he doesn't go in the jungle, he doesn't get fire wood, he doesn't get water--he doesn't do nuthin!" Jon asks if they tried to recruit him the whole time and Rupert deflects, "Naw, they know I ain't goin' nowhere and they know Drake's gonna win this whole thing!" Everyone cheers and they have a big smelly Drake group hug.

Andrew arrives to "loot" and Rupert murmurs, "This should be interesting," but it's really not. Andrew is very gracious and he gladly takes Rupert's advice to take some of their rice supply. Rupert doles out a large portion and then reminds Andrew that technically, he can take all of it, if he wants. "You know I wouldn't do that," he insists. So Rupert gives him even more. "That wasn't a looting," Rupert smiles later, "That was friends helping friends." Andrew hopes the pleasant exchange points to a good, friendly merge when the time comes, while Rupert wisely worries about becoming a target should he be perceived as having too much power and visibility in both tribes.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

you know you suck when
you can't make drinking clam slime
seem like an ordeal

Jonny Not Funny and Shawn go to get the Sea Mail and they get weirdly territorial about opening the stupid treasure chest and reading the dumb poem. The dumb poem makes it clear that it's time for the gross-out food challenge, and that it's gonna be in shake form. Trish is worried about being able to do it and Rupert advises chugging it while holding your nose. Michelle agrees and brags, "I don't have trouble eating gross stuff AT ALL." This gives Jon a rather inspired idea...wait...it's Jon, don't I mean insipid? No it actually IS inspired, I'll admit it. Jon suggests since Michelle doesn't have a problem with the disgusting food, she should pretend to have a great deal of difficulty completing the challenge--that way, when it's time for the other team to pick who should go for the tie-break, Morgan will be fooled into picking Michelle, who will then dominate--and it protests Trish and Sandra from having to do it. Michelle shrugs, "I guess I could PRETEND to be all girly girl, so long as it's understood that I'm really a total frickin' bad ass!"

MICHELLELOO

Rupert finds a wounded snake in the water and takes it to the challenge to be bandaged. It's introduced as Balboa, the new mascot of the Drake tribe. Rupert is very dear. The Survivors groan at the various horrible ingredients that await them--bleeding clams, octopus, sardines etc. Teh only thing that looks good is the mango, and no one lands on it. There's two ingredients in each shake and one person from each team squares off against the other. It's not a race with the other person, you just have to finish it, and everyone does very well. No one balks. Jon tries a little to hard to sell their point, saying very loudly as Michelle walks up to the bar, "Michelle's looking least forward to doing this." She's up against Rhino and maybe because he's cute, she throws the plan out the window and chugs the bass-o-matic concoction down like it was a Shamrock Shake (tm). Jon, Shawn and Christa are visibly upset at her stupidity.

A LITTLE INSIGHT INTO JONNY NOT FUNNY

Then it's Jon's turn and he flashes those gang signs of his and Jeff asks, "WTF?" so Jon explains, "That's the f going one way, the y going the other way, and Jonny Fairplay is in the middle--I play fair." At this point I'd like to share with you some insight into Jon's bizarre behavior and some of the weird-ass stuff he says. I got an email from one of my readers, ahem, thanks Eric, who's roommate is a big pro-wrestling fan. It turns out that Jon is a wrestler, and Jonny Fairplay is one of his personas. Jon's online CBS bio reveals that he's worked for Rowdy Roddy Piper, and his favorite TV shows include Raw and Smackdown. In last week's show, what I took to be an impression of Rupert was actually an impression of Macho Man Randy Savage. At one point Jon also does a strut which is directly taken from Ric Flair. Also, a variation on Ric Flair's strut is the little walk Jon has done at tribal council both times he's gone to vote. When Jon made his vote against Burton he said, "Can you dig that, Suuuuuucka?" which is the catch phrase of wrestler Booker T. So Jon is trying to be an over-the-top wrestling villain, which, even though I still hate him, makes him more interesting, don't you think?

ANYHOO, Jon tries to flirt with Darrah, saying they should kiss now before their mouths get all yucky and Darrah shoots him down. Jeff asks Darrah is Jon would have a shot under any circumstances and she says, "Never...No Offense." I like it when people say something mean and then tack on "no offense" as though, magically, that would take the sting out of it. Darrah has trouble, and Jon makes puking noises to make it worse but it doesn't work. The last time I remember someone doing the childish "I'm gonna make you puke" noise was when Jeffy Jeff did it in Australia--I think to Tina...which would be funny because she certainly got the last laugh there. Then Christa takes on Osten and does a totally exaggerated fake-vomit display which I thought was really funny, go figure. I guess I'm biased. Anyway, the game is tied and each team must now pick the person form the other tribe they feel is least likely to be able to handle the race. Drake picks Darrah, Morgan picks...Sandra. Jeff whips up a smoothie of bleeding clam and octopus and sea water, then adds a sardine garnish, which must be eaten. Both women struggle valiantly to keep it down, but it's Darrah who manages to finish first. This was a key victory not just for her tribe, but for Darrah personally as she was undoubtedly next to go had they lost.

BLAME GAME

Sandra's bummed out that she failed the competition, and Christa and Rupert's encouragement's do little to make her feel safe, "Why shouldn't I be voted out?" Jon is furious
at both Sandra and Michelle, "That competition was mind over matter and Sandra proved her mind to be smaller than a sardine, heh heh!" Eh, screw Jon, cuz he's an ass. No one is pleased with Michelle, who's ego seemingly came before their tribe's immunity chances. And who has an ego about being able to drink really gros things really fast, anyway? Shawn goes to Rupert and reminds him that "Michelle can play, she can win those challenges." I'm not sure if this is an argument to keep Michelle because she's valuable or eliminate her because she's a threat, to be honest. Whatever it is, it doesn't sit right with Rupert who mutters, "We're not back 10 minutes yet, and he's already trying to get someone voted out--he'd best be careful or it'll be him that's goin' home." An idea that picks up steam when Michelle pleads her case to Rupert, who does agree that she works way more and eats way less than the self-enamored Shawn. Michelle suddenly has to vomit (gee, wonder why) and a totally unfazed Rupert sits next to her and continues talking with her. As she pukes he covers it up with sand. Rupert Rules! He consoles Michelle and promises to at least pitch the idea to the other tribe members...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff gazes smugly at the assembled Drakes, "What a difference a few days makes. Suddenly, you're a bunch of sorry losers. Sandra, don't you feel totally responsible?" "If I get voted out tonight, I'll know why, Jeff. I failed, and I feel terrible about it." Good answer. Then she goes on to admit, "It's the first immunity we lost that we didn't PLAN to lose." When Jeff reminds them they claimed NOT to have thrown the game at the last Tribal Council, Jon smirks, "Yeah, no one needed to know that at the last Tribal Council, man." Rupert shakes his head in embarrassment as Jeff lectures, "Are you idiots aware of how short-sighted and cocky it is to throw a challenge in a game like this? Don't you realize you've given Morgan the confidence they need to continue kicking your butts?" Michelle scoffs, "That's a stretch, Jeff. I don't see how their beating us today will have any effect on next time and I don't expect us to lose a single challenge from here on out." Michelle obviously doesn't understand the concept of a little thing called "mo." That's as in "mentum," kids. Rupert interjects and insists he tried to talk the others out of the stupid move of throwing the immunity (and no one argues). Then he takes it a step too far by complaining about how oh so terrible it was for him to have to go to Morgan but it may be a blessing in disguise because he shrewdly stole all their secrets. It's a bit of an oversell, in my opinion, and he comes down a little to hard on his tribe mates. Even though what he's saying is right, he seems to be showing them up a bit. I hope his high-handedness doesn't come back to bite him.

Michelle goes down 6-1--turns out that whole Shawn thing was just a red herring garnish on our Tribal Council shake. When Jon makes his vote against Michelle he says, "Say hello to the bad guy," which is the catch phrase of wrestler Scott Hall. Michelle waves goodbye to the tribe--standard operating procedure for deportees in previous seasons, but she's the first one to do it the Pearl Islands. Everyone before her was either too bitter or too stunned, I guess. Other contestants lost this week: Dirk the Christian, Kimmi the Vegetarian, Silas the Ass, Gabe the Hippie, Stephanie the stupid girl that kept sleeping out in the rain even though she was sick and last season's tough broad, Jeanne. Tonight, I foresee either Darrah or Shawn to go, but there's this part of me that's really fearing for Rupert. He's liked by the other tribe, and he'll be difficult to beat in challenges and in the Final Vote, I'd imagine. I hope I'm being paranoid--Rupert's a gem:)

Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 7.3 and 7.4 Super Late Doubleheader Review! :D

FRAILTY, THY NAME IS MORGAN

Yep, it STILL sucks to be at Morgan, morale is low. Scoutmaster Lillian prays for strength and for her departed best bud, Nerd Ryan while Osten prays for resolve and vows not to quit. Lillian whines to Captain Andrew that she's more valuable and a harder worker than wilting Southern flower Darrah. Lil is glad that Osten apparently understands why she voted for him, "He quit," she trembles. Andrew disagrees, "There's a difference between quitting, and you know, QUITTING." Lillian just isn't wired up for the injustice of "Survivor" which is illustrated in her idealism, and the fact that she's one of those "I'll just work REALLY hard around camp" people--as a great cartoon squirrel once said, "that trick again? That trick NEVER works!"

POINTLESS DRAKE TREASURE HUNT

Drake tries to find the elusive treasure chest with only 2/3 of the map. It doesn't work.

REWARD CHALLENGE

Morgan gets a Reward poem that's like, "Are you cold? Do you lack a tarp? You could win blankets, nyah nyah arp!" Morgan gushes about how They REALLY need this one and all of America shouts back, "WE KNOW!!" and then about a quarter of them mutter, "Losers," afterwards. At Drake, Jon suggests "Hey, maybe if it's like, gonna be hard...I could like, sit out? But if it's swimming, hey, Sandra should sit out--she's the worst SWIMMER. I'm not totally worthless, after all. Yep, I can out swim Sandra!" Sandra objects and gets all up in his grill about how she out-swam him the first day and they wind up shouting at one another until Jon runs away. Sandra sums up, "Screw Jon, cuz he's an ASS." Jonny Not Funny declares with a chuckle, "Her days are numbered. We have bigger threats to get rid of first but she's not in the final four. And I've got a million dollars that says she's not the final one. Get it? Because like...heh heh. Because the Final One will be the winner, and so...if I have a million dollars that means that, you know. I'm the FINAL ONE?" Screw Jon, cuz he's an ASS.

EVER GET THAT SINKING FEELING THAT MORGAN CAN'T WIN ANYTHING EVER??

The Reward Challenge is for some hooptie pillows and some blankets--the rewards are pretty damned weak this year, if you ask me. If it weren't for the added humiliation of the other tribe coming over to filch your water pot, they'd barely be worth trying for. Each tribe divides into two boats, and you basically have to stay afloat while the other team throws water in your boat, tries to pull out these plugs in your boat--and oh yeah, tries to just physically push your boats into the water through sheer brute strength--Drake has Rupert, Rupert is a TREE, so Drake wins again. Burton and Jon bray like asses in celebration. Back at Morgan, everyone tries to put on a happy face. Boston Osten sighs, "We just need to get STAH-ted."

The next day, Lillian wakes up before everyone else and goes fishing off by herself because no one got up early enough, SO THERE! She prays for some help but sometimes, God's answer is a big ol' NO. She winds up not only failing to catch anything, but she also loses their precious fish hook. Everyone grumbles about her pig-headed lonerness, but they're too hungry to actually get angry at her. Rhino is bummed because he thinks there should be more team work, Andrew can't understand how a scoutmaster could fail to tie a decent knot, and I don't understand why they aren't ALL fishing ALL the time until they figure out how to catch something edible. It's like the girls last season--how is the shelter NOT a priority when you're getting rained on? How is food not your all-consuming focus when you're starving?

THE PILLAGE PEOPLE

Burton doesn't think the tribe should waste so much time looking for the treasure, but Jon whines, "I wanna I wanna I wanna!" Hippie-chick Christa, who bears a physical and vocal resemblance to Muppet Hippie Janice, is elected to go steal a reward item from the lowly Morons. When she worries about it being the only means they have to boil water and thus drink and thus stay alive, Burton reasons, "Well, this way, we'll have two so then if they win and take OUR only water pot it won't be are only water pot because we have theirs." Frat brother Shawn agrees, "Same with the whole tarp situation--they take ours? Who cares, we have theirs." Jonny Not Funny, who is also Not Right in the Head, smiles evilly at the idea of actually murdering the entire Morgan tribe through slow dehydration, "They'd do the same to us if they could, they hate us!" he cackles. Rupert muses, "If it's really their ONLY water pot, I would feel bad about dooming them in such a manner--but then I remind myself that we are the mighty pirates of DRAKE--the most fearsome marauders on the Caribbean today!" Like Lil with her Scout thing, Rupert is way too into being a pirate. Way Too.

That Black Girl meets The Blond Girl

The Morgans toss their fishing net into the boat, hoping it will look like a rag. It turns out they do have two water pots. Rhino boasts, "They're both boiling on the fire right now, and they both have nasty blankets stewing in them, heh heh, so hopefully that will scare them off or at least they'll burn their hands." Personally, I don't get boiling a nasty-ass blanket in your drinking-water pot, just in the hopes it will be stolen, but whatever. Far be it from me to begrudge Morgan whatever petty little shred of happiness they can find. Christa arrives and Tijuana refers to her as 'The Blond Girl." Christa is way friendlier than Sandra, and gives everyone a hug. She is relieved to find they have two water pots and takes one while Sulky Darrah drawls, "They don' have uh pot over yonder at that there Drake?" An indignant Osten pouts back, "I don't KNOW!" Darrah and Osten seem to be under the impression that the point of this isn't to break them and has nothing to do with the other tribes NEEDS. It's all about breaking your spirits, kids. Andrew and Tijuana aren't as easily beaten, and chat easily with their visitor, who claims ignorance when Andrew tries to get her to reveal who'll they'll vote out. He's also a little miffed to learn that they've been getting their asses kicked by a leaderless tribe (tribe leader is a pretty rare title in Survivor, and the only people who I can think of to act in that capacity usually don't do well--Thailand's Jake and the Amazon's Roger are the only ones that spring to my mind). Christa leaves and Osten and Darrah tear into her for being too nice--you can't win with these two. Osten sneers, "She's trying to be crafty--she's not as dumb as she's pretending to be: that whole Big Bird act of hers is a FARCE." Andrew thinks that Morgan is the stronger tribe, "They haven't had to face any adversity and when they finally do it will destroy them and it'll turn out that being the suckiest Survivors who ever sucked is the best thing to ever happen to us!" Andrew's next job will be bench coach for the Detroit Tigers.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

The team with Rupert
Is gonna win so sorry
you lost the hook Lil

Andrew gets excited because in the real poem, it says something about "will" being important, and he thinks his strength through adversity philosophy is gonna pay-off. He doesn't seem to hear the rest of it, about how their strongest member Osten is going up against the other tribe's strongest member, FREAKIN' RUPERT. America knows Osten's only shot at this is if there's some long division or a spelling bee at the end. Darrah Gump reminds us, "Tribal Council is baad...and thet's all I gottuh say about thet." The challenge is basically a tug of warish affair, with the smallest tribe member (Darrah and Michelle) being held up by a rope being pulled by the rest of the team, who drop out one by one until it's only Osten and Rupert holding on to the rope. Jeff taunts both men about how much pain the girls are in, about the bugs they're lying in ("We sleep in bugs!" Christa screams back), and Osten holds in for a good TWO HOURS, but ultimately, that fact that he is not a TREE costs Morgan another member.

Back at camp, the power clique of Morgan: Andrew, Tijuana, Rhino and Osten, discuss the relative merit badges of the hard-working, bright, alert Lillian and the lazy, torpid, dim Darrah. Andrew tries to soften Lil up for her possible ouster and states to her, "The person who's being voted out shouldn't be mad about it, they should accept it as the will of the tribe and the best thing for the tribe, right Lil?" Lil replies, "Andrew, thanks for having the balls to actually come to me and raise the possibility of my eviction in a vague, hypothetical manner--you're the BEST!" Andrew blushes, "Aw shucks, it ain't nuthin. And if the vote DOES go against you, I'll tell you first." Tijuana wonders if Darrah is afraid she might be next and she shrugs, "Whatever. Least ah'm not mopin' 'round lahk ol' Lil over yonder." Tijuana frowns at Darrah's arrogance (or maybe she's frowning because she didn't understand a word Darrah just said, I dunno) and reports back to Andrew, who wonders to the camera, "Has Darrah earned her spot on the tribe? Has she done anything ever except for today hang on a rope and truly embody the dead weight that she has before merely symbolized? You know, I really don't know." Whatever, dude.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff is just plain sick of seeing their faces, and taunts Andrew, Rhino and Tijuana when they try to remain positive. "Andrew, you're on pace to be the losingest tribe ever--State Governors have been recalled for far less. Dude, what's your problem?" "We don't have Rupert," he replies. "Why aren't you losers worried!?" Andrew admits they ARE worried but if they can just catch a fish or two, they can turn it all around. Jeff asks Darrah what her weaknesses are and she's stupid enough to answer honestly, "Wuhl, I ain't too good at lahk, all the work stuff? Lahk, I cain't build a caympfar, thet there is Lil's job." Lillian beams and states how proud she is that their leader, Andrew, praised her work-ethic. Fat lot of good it does her, as she gets the heave-ho. She's very bitter and when Jeff fails to snuff out her torch in the first try, his "They don't want to see you go" is met with a gloomy, "Yeah, right." Mortician Darrah sticks around--hey, somebody's gotta do an autopsy on this tribe! In her farewell, Lillian goes all martyr, "Seems like there's a lot of lying in this game, and I'm not to good at that!" For Pete's Sake, how many times to I have to ask the question, "Do any of these people watch the show?" Because it is a fact--NO ONE has succeeded in Survivor by being good at chores (in fact, Marquesas winner Vecepia barely lifted a finger around camp, which annoyed her tribemates but never enough to get her out of there). Not saying hard work hasn't kept some people around a week or two longer, but at some point you have to involve yourself in the politics of the game or you just shouldn't be there. Keeping to yourself doesn't make you more moral than anyone else, it makes you BAD AT THE GAME. No one goes to confession on Sunday to repent about bluffing at poker. Lillian is in 14th place, with Season One's Stacy, who famously hissed "you changed your vote" to Stoopid Soo before leaving the Tribal area immediately and then sued Mark Burnett. This was also the week that the pretty-decent winner -Tina turned on her friend Mad Dog for strategy's sake, and the week that the Friendship Bracelet kids of Samboohoo got rid of Carl the dentist. My husband Hunter's stunning exit at this point of the game seemed asinine to me at the time, yet Vecepia couldn't have won without it, so it turned out to be a wise vote on her part. The Sucks of Sook Jai (who had won the first two immunities) took a dive in week three so they could send Dentist Jed home (a bad week for dentists), but you can bet they wished they hadn't when they wound up on the wrong side of the numbers at the merge. And finally, this week last season saw Daniel leave the tribe because he annoyed King Roger. The reasons are different, but the result is the same: Survivor also-rans, all. Although it didn't hurt Hunter too much: he's got his own show on the History Channel or something...

WEEK 4

*HEAVY SIGH* MORE MORGAN MISERY

Yup, it STILL really really really sucks to be at Morgan. Not only have they lost every challenge to date, the stormy waves are now threatening to collapse their "fortress wall," which keeps their structure form being washed out to sea. This alleged wall is a couple of logs dug into the sand, and the Morgan's spend all day repairing the dicey thing, rather than just move their camp further up the beach, even thought Rhino predicts, "The tide is gonna get higher and higher as the month goes on." Well then...wouldn't it make sense to just...*Heavy Sigh* oh yeah, it's Morgan. Then Tijuana notices that a bunch of fire ants are living in their shelter. Andrew sighs, "It's gotten almost comical, how bad things are going for us." ALMOST? Then he claims, "It would be a huge victory for us if we could just catch one fish," so of course they don't.

IMMUNITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

The Drake's, who haven't had a chance to cull the herd, are starting to really get on one another's nerves. Jonny Not Funny yells at Shawn because he thinks Shawn doesn't do enough around camp, and Sandra agrees. She's annoyed that the Frat Bats claim to be the first ones up every morning when she knows that's not true. Trish marvels, "Morale is really low this morning, which is weird because we're the winningest tribe ever." Christa reveals, "Dude, we like, keep winning everything? And we'd kinda like to vote somebody out." She asks Shawn where he went to college and asks, "Did you graduate?" And I SWEAR the way she asks is totally innocent, she doesn't know how old he is or if he's going for an advanced degree (insert your own *Shawn going for an advanced degree* joke here). But Shawn complains to the camera, "Christa's always making her LITTLE COMMENTS, her little jokes, you know, tryin' to humiliate me! But I'm cool, you know, I take her crap, I smile. I'll get the last laugh." I don't think Shawn knows what to do when a pretty girl isn't fawning all over him. Nor does Christa know how to deal with yuppie-frat kids unless they're asking her where they can score some weed. Burton and Shawn childishly continue to make fun of Rupert and his skirt, causing Rupert to comment, "It's jes' like high school, the pretty-boy jock-ass idiots all gotta pick on me." And you would have to be an idiot to pick on Rupert, seems to me. Trish is also critical of the Frat Bats (including Frat Girl Michelle), who you may recall became fast friends over a horded coconut on their first day on the island, "Those three cliqued-up right away. I think the guys think they're too strong to be voted out, and Michelle is their pretty young thing--I don't think they realize how much they've alienated every one else." WORD. The trick to this game, as Rob said last season, is to have a working relationship with everyone in your tribe. You don't have to be best friends but you have to be able to communicate with everyone.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER

In a challenge that is VERY much like last week's diving for treasure challenge, the tribes have to either swim out to get a puzzle piece or dig up a puzzle piece on the beach and then assemble the puzzle once they have all 16 pieces. If you win, you get an old-fashioned sewing machine and some fabric. For some unexplained reason, Osten, who has said he's not much of a swimmer, opts to swim out to dive for a puzzle piece. He almost drowns and Rhino and Andrew go out to save him. Morgan makes a noble effort to catch up to Drake but they're Morgan and of course, they lose. I don't know why you have Skinny Ryan go first in last weeks relay, I don't know why you have Osten swim when you know he can't. Coach Andrew, you need to make better roster moves...

RUPERT BONEHAM: FASHION GOD

Christa is frickin' stoked, man, to have the sewing machine. She helps Rupert take his measurements so he can have a new skirt. And yeah, he COULD make shorts, but he wants the skirt cuz it's so comfortable. When the Frat Bats see him using the sewing machine---I mean, a DUDE using a sewing machine? It's the most ridiculous thing they've seen since, well, Rupert in a skirt. They really are like bullies, rifling through the sewing baubles and braying "Rupe" and "Mr. Sew-uh, sexy sexy. I've got some pants that need hemming." Rupert just rolls his eyes and takes it--unlike the insecure Frat Bats, he's got nothing to prove.

BURIED TREASURE, SHATTERED DREAMS

Drake now has all three pieces of the map, and it turns out the treasure is in the jungle, not out on some sandbar where they were looking before. They are all very excited about it--too excited really. Jon shares, "I've had more wet dreams about that treasure than...heh...eh....er...any uh...girl in playboy." Little hint about comedy, Jon. Specific is funny. Jonny? Not funny. Anyway, Shawn and Michele find the treasure together but Shawn yells, "I found it! I found it!" Everyone is jumping up and down but when they open up the chest, they are greeting with a foul stench rivaling that of Governor Tarkin. It seems some moisture leaked in and everything's moldy. There is some chocolate to make everyone happy, and some rum. Burton is critical of his teams reaction, "There were some goblets and candles...some coffeebeans. I wanted to tell everyone to grow up." Jonny whines, "It was like a ghetto Christmas...heh heh...it was like...eh...asking for an Incredible Hulk doll and getting one of your sister's Barbie dolls painted green. Get it? It's like, so not the same? It's a big letdown...like the treasure chest?? GET IT!?" I laughed my ass off when the treasure turned out to be crap. There's just something annoying about a team that wins all the time...

Of course, there's also something really annoying about a team that loses all the time. Even though they haven't seemed to give fishing on the camp-side of the island much of a go, Rhino and Andrew go off on a fishing trek to the other side of the island. OF COURSE they get lost. They are Morgan. I read somebody, somewhere, I think it was probably Dalton Ross in "Entertainment Weekly" giving Andrew a bad time for wearing his suit jacket without a shirt, but I think he looks H-O-T, kids. The trip is a big waste of time, which Andrew blames largely on the cartoon map they got at the beginning of the game not being drawn to scale. Personally, wouldn't depend on the accuracy of a map that has no longitude and latitude lines and depicts the water well rising up from the island like Mount McKinley, but Andrew and Rhino needed to waste a day to discover this fact for themselves. Hey, I said they were pretty, I never said they weren't dumb. The rest of the tribe (and sadly, that's three people) awaits the arrival of this week's pillager. Boston Osten complains, "If dey take ah pot, we can't bowl wahtuh and it's game ovuh." As usual, he and Darrah pout in the shelter while Tijuana shows class and poise by going out to greet the visiting Drake. Trish keeps saying how bad she feels to have to do this while Tijuana welcomes and teases her and makes it clear that while Morgan is down, they aren't out. Trish takes the tribe's lantern, which they were hoping she would. Darrah says "Weweremightyrelievedwewantedthentuhtakeahlannerniftheytookourpottheyproblyruintit." Or something similar, it's always hard to tell, and I rewind her three or four times. Deaf people get totally screwed watching "Survivor"--Closed Captioning doesn't even TRY to figure out what the deep-Southerners on this show are saying and in all fairness, I'd rather take my chances with Swahili or Greek then have to ask Darrah, Africa's Big Tom or Thailand's Clay for directions.

BURTONLOO

Night at Drake, and Burton wakes up to see that Rupert is up, so they go out into the water to have a secret chat. Like many a Survivor Loser before him, Burton decides to overplay his hand, and shake up the status quo when he should just lay back and wait. Burton goes to Rupert with a plan to throw the next Immunity Competition and vote out Christa. He reveals to us, "I was a little hesitant to approach Rupert with this because he's so loyal and moral." Burton butters up Rupert, claiming the two men are the strongest two players of this season and that they can control the game if they do this, without letting anyone know. Rupert says he'd go along with it for the good of the tribe, but he's shining Burton on. To us he snarls, "Burton is a traitor to Drake, and all that our proud name stands for! If this was really a pirate culture, he'd already be dead!" Way Too into being a pirate, but right-on about the stupidity of Burton's plan. He tells Christa and Trish all about it, and says he wants Burton gone. Meanwhile, Frat Girl Michelle says, "We are, as a group, ready to throw a challenge--the alliance I'm with is ready to get rid of Christa and not give today's challenge 100%." I have NO idea why they all hate Christa so much, unless they just really don't like stoners. Rupert is dead-set against the tribe taking a dive, "Throwing a challenge is the stupidest thing you could ever do. But will I sit back and let 'em do it? Yeah." Vowing that he could never take part in a game and not play to win, Rupert agrees to sit this one out.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

Full-Contact Checkers
Drake had this one in the bag
But sat-out their Tree

The Immunity game is a game to get from one boat to the other across a floating board. when you encounter a member from the other tribe, you have to wrestle them to advance. the loser has to start all over again. Drake sits out it's two strongest men, Burton and Rupert. When Jeff asks about this, Rupert grimaces, "It wasn't my choice." "Oh, so you have a rotation that never changes?" "Eh...something like that." Rupert is the Shoeless Joe Jackson of the Panama Drake Sox. You may remember this as the challenge that caused all sorts of trouble for the Sook Jai cheaters in Thailand. Robb choked Clay, they kept staring the matches before they were in "the fight zone," which has been corrected in this version of the game so that no one engages until Jeff says they can. Morgan, unaware that some of their skirmishes may have been fixed, exalt in victory as they FINALLY WIN THEIR FIRST CHALLENGE! They are bursting with hope and pride and confidence--and the condescending Dopes of Drake grin like idiots at the monster they may have created. Then Jeff lays a surprise on them, the winner of this challenge also gets to take a member of the other tribe with them and keep them through the next Reward Challenge. Naturally, Morgan takes this season's clear MVP choice, Rupert. All the Drakes look nervous, especially Christa, who may have needed Rupert's vote at Tribal Council.

JONNY NOT FUNNY, NOR LOYAL

Back at camp, Jon is drunk on rum and performing like a circus chimp for the scattered laughter of his Frat Bat "pals" who clearly see him as their mascot--someone they're carrying along. He does a bad Rupert impression and the cool kids all laugh at their clown. Shawn claims, "As far as I'm concerned, this is the Final Four right here. And Sandra can BLEEP me and when they come back here, and Christa's gone, no matter which one of US they voted for, they'll know they just sunk their ship." So apparently, voting for Christa is now some sort of Frat Bat loyalty oath. Burton shrugs to the camera, "Jon keeps saying he wants Christa gone, even though he's out there talking to her right now...I have no reason to think he's lying to me. Aren't I pretty?" Yes Burton, you're very, very pretty. Jon tells Christa and Trish about Shawn's big loyalty speech and maintains that he's for voting out Burton (who has no idea it's coming since the Frat Bats all think the girls want Michelle out). Christa frets, "Dude, Jon is like, such a convincing liar, man. If he can lie to their faces so easily, why the hell should I trust him?" Christa, your insight serves you well. Everyone has fun before the vote, and Jon humiliates himself some more by stripping nude and running around like the drunken lame-o that he is while everyone laughs at him. Not WITH. AT. Jon is most pleased with himself, telling us he's aligned with both groups and that he also has a "Til the End" pact with Shawn, "Things are going great for Jonny Fairplay, I'm in paradise and I'm a freaking puppet-master." Let's all pray that Jon goes the way of previous evil self-appointed puppet-master Boston Rob and not Porn-Star Brian.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff explains to the new arrivals that fire represents their life on the island, and Jon's eyes gleam with psycotic lust as he stares into the flames. Jeff asks him how its going so far and Jon giggles, "Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome. Good time." Jeff asks heatedly, "Are you loaded!?" and when Jon laughingly admits it, Jeff quakes in outrage that the sacred Tribal Council Grounds have been so defiled. When Michelle smiles, "We are all such good friends in this tribe, we're all REALLY close because we've been through SO much together!" Sandra practically bites through her lip so's not to scream at her, while the targeted Christa just rolls her eyes. Jeff is suspicious about today's challenge, and wonders if it was fixed, but the Drake's don't fess up. Christa insists, somewhat plausibly, "It's only fair, man. We've all come all this way to like, take part in this totally awesome adventure and like, we should all get to play, man." But this isn't AYSO Soccer, this is Survivor, and Jeff isn't fooled. He asks Burton if never losing and thus never being able to vote anyone out is a double-edged sword. Burton nods, "It's great to win immunity, because then nobody leaves, but if you can't get rid of anyone, you can't control the game." It's almost sad how clueless he is. Almost. Jeff asks Jon what he's basing his vote on and Jon jokes, "By what the astrological signs tell me." "And is that a respectful way to treat someone you've lived with for 12 days?" I'm trying to remember the last time Jeff Probst had this much contempt for a contestant. Seems to me he didn't have much use for Africa's Silas or Boston Rob...or am I just projecting here?

Burton goes out in a close 5-2 vote--Frat Bat Shawn turns on Burton, maybe just so that he can be Batman all the time and Burton can be Robin. Jon keeps doing this thing like he's flashing gang signs--what the hell is up with that? Burton huffs, "Well, I would certainly do the same thing if I was ever in competition with anyone as strong and attractive as I am--though such a concept is difficult to imagine. They're gonna have trouble winning challenges without ME." Yeah, they might have won today's Immunity if you hadn't decided to sit out, dumb ass. Burton goes out in 13th place, an unlikely number that has proven MOST unlucky for Survivor's black women. Season One's Ramona (the puker), Africa's Linda (the passive-aggressive hugger), Thailand's Ghandia (the accuser) and the Amazon's Joanna (the praiser) were all ousted in this slot. This was also the pivotal week that Tina and Colby left evil Jerri to save Keith and oust her stooge, Mitch. In Marquesas, A tribe shake-up separated evil Boston Rob from his "ace in the hole," the buxom Sarah, who was eliminated. Have you all seen Colby's razor commercial?? Yummy. If he and Ethan are both in the upcoming Clash of the Survivor Titans, I will be severely torn between imaginary boyfriends. Next week: Rupert saves Morgan from themselves but can he break the curse of the Drake Sox? Until then, peace out :D

Christine

Survivor 7.2 Bad Blood

THE WOEFUL STRUGGLES OF THE MORGAN TRIBE

Wow, being a member of the Morgan tribe is almost as frustrating and sad as
being a 49er fan these days. The Morons spend their nights freezing in the
wind. I know they don't have any clothes, but doesn't it seem like they
could dig
into the sand more? And build more of a wind break if that's the main
problem? Captain Andrew is worried that the lack of sleep will soon lead
to hallucinations. Nerd Ryan declares, "This isn't working for me, the no
food and sleep, but I'm confident I can come up with a better coping
strategy and start giving that elusive 110%." Yup, Ryan's hallucinating
allright. Osten tells us, "Skinny Ryan on his best day is still worse than
me on my worst day--I'm not knocking him, he just doesn't have anything to
offer." Okay, seriously, how is that NOT knocking Ryan?

THE IRRITATING PARADISE OF THE DRAKE TRIBE

Meanwhile, Drake is doing better than most previous tribes who DID get food
and supplies from CBS. They lounge around eating copious amounts of
seafood and rhapsodizing about how being in Drake rules and singing, "Yo Ho
Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me!" Anyone who's watched Survivor knows that a
happy tribe is probably a doomed tribe, and more often than not, the grand
winner has come off the tribe that struggled in the beginning (Tina, Ethan,
Vecepia, and Brian all came off tribes that lost at least two immunity
challenges in a row) Shawn drinks a coconut and spills it's contents all
over himself. When fellow frat bat Burton teases him about not knowing how
much milk is in a coconut by now, Shawn sniffs, "Well maybe it's just
coconut oil in their now--maybe it's just suntan lotion now!" Yeah, Shawn
ain't too bright. Rupert approaches Burton and shows him the precious
food-catching spear, "I just need to do some foreshadowin' so lookit how
the pointy spearhead could just fall off at any time!" Burton nods, "I'll
remember this conversation when someone loses it."

THE RICH GET RICHER

The tribes prepare for the first reward challenge and Nerd Ryan knows he
only avoided eviction last week because Nicole was an idiot, "I don't think
any player in Survivor history has ever been under more pressure to perform
at a challenge than I am right now." Jenna Morasca and Kelly Wigglesworth
may beg to differ with you on that. He continues, "The problem is,
everyone here thinks I didn't give 110% and I gave 120% so now I have to
look like I'm giving 130% when I've already exhausted myself in doing the
mathematically impossible!"

The tribes meet up at Reward beach, where Jeff gives both tribes a shovel
and a key to a buried treasure. The winning tribe will get the first clue
and a piece of a map, plus they'll get to raid the other tribe and take one
item from them and that will be true of all future tribal reward challenges
which is sure to engender all sorts of bad blood. Gee, these "writer-less"
reality shows sure come up with neat twists. The challenge itself is a
brutal mutha: There are five items on the seafloor, one at a time a
tribe-member swims out, throws one of the items in a treasure chest. When
all five items are in, then the entire tribe swims out, carries the
treasure chest to shore and places it on a pedestal. Sandra sits out for
Drake. For some reason, Nerd Ryan goes first for Morgan--maybe he wanted
to prove himself, maybe the team hoped to pick up his slack in the
following legs of the relay but Ryan bonks hard core. Drake is on it's
third item before Ryan finally quits and brings his item for Cute Ryan to
put in the treasure chest. It was truly awful, it was like Nerd Ryan only
had one lung or something. Ryan O. doesn't do much better and Drake
finishes well ahead of the demoralized Morons who are so demoralized
they've become unmoralized.

HATRED OR PLASTIC?

The Drake's are amped for their treasure hunt. Even though they only have
one piece of the map, they have figured out that it's at the edge of their
island, at a place that can only be accessed during low-tide. Then they
strategize for their Morgan shopping spree. Shawn wants their water jug
while Jonny Not Funny cackles, "Let's take their tarp--that'll really hurt
them." Rupert responds, "We don't NEED to hurt them." This from the guy
that stole all their shoes. An eager-to-plunder Sandra is elected to go,
much to Michelle's relief. She says wisely, "No matter how nice you are
about it, the other tribe is gonna hate whoever goes over their to take
something. I was really glad it wasn't me."

The sad-sack Morons are indeed already full of hate towards the arrogant
(and let's face it, COMPETENT) Drake tribe. Capt. Andrew speculates, "What
if that little motormouth (Jon?) wants our tarp?" "Oh, HELL no!" Osten
laughs, and then reality sets in and he realizes the tarp is pretty much
the only nice thing they have. He insists, "If he takes our tarp, I'm
outta here, I'm going home." Andrew laughs because he thinks he's kidding.
Then Sandra arrives via speedboat and is met by Nerd Ryan. "Are you the
Ambassador of Morgan?" She wonders. "No, I'm the goober of the Morgan
tribe," Doomed nerd Ryan laments. It's all polite smiles as they make
their introductions and Sandra pretends not to be horrified by Morgan's
pathetic living conditions. Then she pokes around for the water jug and
when she can't find it, she decides on the precious tarp, which forms the
primary wall and roof of their pitiful shelter. No one will help her take
it down, so she dismantles the entire thing to get it. Her attempts to
seem cheerful just come off bitchy, "There we go. That's not so bad.
You'll be able to put it together in no time!" Darrah drawls to the
camera, "She tried to act all nice and everything but...that whole tribe is
a bunch of bleeping bleep bleeps!" Whatever she called them it was so bad
that CBS didn't give us a clue. Meanwhile Morgan continues to stew as
Sandra chirps, "Nothin' personal, I gotta do what I gotta do!" "Not
necessarily," Andrew growls. If I were there, I'd be fuming at Sandra too
but objectively, they had nothing else to steal and there was no way to
take the tarp without destroying the shelter. Sandra is angry that "that
black girl" wouldn't let her use Morgan's knife to cut down the tarp.
Sandra, her name is Tawanda. "I'm sure you'll have it back up in no time,"
Sandra chirps, "Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite, no hard feelings!
A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and there's no use crying over
spilled milk!" "What a bitch," That Black Girl hisses.

BIG BICEPS: BIG BABIES

The morons scramble to rebuild their shelter and Osten informs the gang,
"When we finish this, I might decide to leave. I'm spent." This is the
last thing beleaguered Capt. Andrew needs to hear, "We're just barely
getting by as it is and we need people who are digging this game! It's a
real morale-killer to have a big whiny baby like Osten crying that he wants
to go home!" Tijuana takes him aside and tries to give him a pep talk,
"You're leaving would be a loss to the tribe and a personal loss to me!"
but Osten is apparently morbidly afraid of catching pneumonia, which he's
had in the past. "Can't you just at least wait UNTIL you actually GET
pneumonia before you throw in the towel?" Tijuana asks. Big Whiny Osten
huffs, "Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT idea." Every time you think Morgan
is as miserable as they can get, they drill deeper.

ALL SURVIVOR SHAWNS ARE STUPID

Back at Drake, Dumb Shawn is carelessly dragging the precious spear behind
him, and the tip falls off. By the time he realizes this, he has no idea
where it's gone so he has to fess up to Rupert, who doesn't buy Shawn's
claim that he searched as hard as he could, "He kept sayin' that he was
exhausted by the search and he was thrown in tuh the rocks--look at our
bay, it's like a bathtub!" Shawn is put out by Rupert's frustration, "I
had a mishap that could happen to anyone as careless and self-centered as I
am. I don't like it when people aren't adoring me and Rupert's especially
angry because he'd become rather addicted to eating food." No one is happy
with defensive Shawn and when Christa jokes that they should make a pact to
not allow Shawn to use the spear ever again, Shawn whimpers, "You know
what? I took a risk. I went fishing. I could have not gone fishing and
therefore NOT risked losing the one thing that stands between our tribe and
starvation but I was brave, I ventured out of my comfort zone and I fished
and yes, I made an error and lost the -tip. But let's not forget the most
important thing, and that's that I TRIED my best." Christa muses, "Dude,
Shawn is the biggest puss I've ever met in my whole life and I'm a frickin'
hippie." Shawn plays the martyr and insists he will go out all by himself
to find the lost piece, but Rupert is heartsick as the group talks of
violating his beloved spear by tying a fork to it, so he goes out as well.
He searches in a grid pattern and eventually finds it. When a relieved but
unredeemed Shawn asks where it was, Rupert shoots back, "In the ocean."
Rupert rules. :D

KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, ITS IMMUNITY AN CHALLENGE

Immunity Haiku:

When op'ning a box
Is a Herculean task
You're probably screwed

The tribes assemble for the challenge and Jeff asks Sandra about her trip
to Morgan, "Did you enjoy being a pirate?" She sing-songs in the
affirmative and Jeff reminds her that payback is, well, like her to hear
the Morons tell it. The challenge is of the complicated variety--three
tribe members are tied to a raft that is being sent out to sea by a pulley
system operated on the beach by the rival tribe. The people on the boat
get untied, take a bamboo box from the raft's mast, and swim back. When
they are all together, the tribes then open the box to find coordinates
which show them where to dig, they find their flag, attach it to a pole and
then plant the flag pole in a stand and they win. Morgan actually gets out
to a sizable lead by pulling, untying and swimming very well but then comes
time to open up that fragile little box with the digging coordinates in
it--and they can't do it. Drake catches up and wins. It's hard not to
feel bad for the defeated Morgan Moron's, even when you're furious with
them. And they sink into even deeper despair...

THERE'S NO "I" IN TEAM, BUT IT IS IN QUIT...

At camp, Osten tells Nerd Ryan to vote him out. This gives the skinny
scapegoat some hope, "I was surprised at first but if you're heart's not in
it, you're heart's not in it. Many a Dungeons and Dragons Tournament has
ended the same way." Big Whiny Osten, still looking like an advertisement
for the Bo-Flex, insists to the camera that his body is just plumb giving
out on him, which fills Lil with rage as she watches him and Cute Ryan (are
they calling him Rhino or does Ryan O just sound like Rhino?) play catch on
the beach, "He's just quitting because he doesn't like getting beat all the
time." Tijuana is disappointed to learn Osten asked Nerd Ryan to vote him
out, though it seems that he's the ONLY person Osten asked. Andrew
implores Osten to stay in the game, insisting they don't have a prayer
without his physical strength. Is Osten going to be held hostage like last
season's Shawna?

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has already had just about enough of the mewling Morgan's and their
lame-ass excuses. He mocks Andrew when he blames Sandra's taking their
tarp on their lack of sleep when they weren't getting any sleep or warmth
in the first place. Nerd Ryan thinks they haven't been focused or
communicative enough and when he says they need an agenda, Andrew and Rhino
nod in agreement. When Lillian gives the tribe high marks for their guts
and heart, Jeff takes exception to her saying they've been close to winning
all the challenges, "Hey, thanks to Floaty McCan't-Dive here, you'd
probably still be at that Reward Challenge!" Everyone laughs at Nerd
Ryan's expense. Osten owns his hatred of all things rough and rustic.
Lillian says the only think they need to do differently is fish more and an
incredulous Jeff Probst can't get wise Lillian to rise to the bait. He
asks everyone what they'll base their votes on. Lil and Nerd Ryan talk
about heart, Andrew talks about the weakest link. Lillian is devastated
when her only true friend Nerd Ryan goes down in a hail of votes, 5-2. In
his exit, he regrets not making friends with the right people, and feels
his knowledge of the game should have meant a better finish. He also feels
he didn't give 110% and the only bright spot to losing him is that maybe we
can retire that cliche? Ryan S. joins "Vote me out" B.B., "Search his bag"
Kel, the pretty but dehydrated Jessie, cantankerous Patricia, the pretty
but dehydrated part deux Tanya and "Search her bag" Janet.

Next week, it's hard to imagine Morgan pulling it together but... they have
to eventually, right??? I think Lillian would be next off. She's a
troop-er, but she's also kind of a wet blanket, and who needs that when
you're freezing to death? Fact is, she just doesn't fit in. Darrah is the
only other real option unless Big Whiny Osten really DOES quit this time.
If Drake loses, I'd expect pointless Jon to go, but it could be one of the
ladies--hard to say who's the weak link as we haven't spent a lot of time
there. Despite Rupert's feelings on the matter, I doubt they'd dump
Shawn's upper-body strength this early. Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 7.1 Ahoy! I spy another great season :D

Hey Hey Hey! We're off to another FANTASTIC start: Survivor, P.I. (Pearl
Islands) rocks so far, with some nifty twists, a fun pirate theme and
kick-ass logo, a spectacular Caribbean locale, bizarre contestant behavior
and lots and lots of cool and horrible characters to root for and against
in the coming weeks :) What more could you want?

FAME-SEEKERS OVERBOARD

The season starts with the still adorable Jeff Probst telling us in secret
that the Survivors we see lounging in the ship's hold THINK they're on
their way to take publicity photos but NO! :D The game has started and
they're in for even more surprises! No one's talking to one another
because that's the protocol--no one's allowed to meet until they're tribed
up. After the credits roll, everyone sits on deck in the clothes they wore
on the plane trip to Panama--some of the men are in nice business suits,
some of the women are in sandals (which you SHOULDN'T wear on a plane in
case of an emergency, fyi) and 50 year-old Lillian is in a Boy Scoutmaster
uniform. Everyone's in a good mood, and then Jeff lays it on them, "We're
throwing you overboard with only the clothes on your back!" The newest
Survivors all seem to take it with good humor--they've all claimed to be
"ready for anything" on their application forms, after all, but Sandra
seems pissed and reveals later, "When he told us that I was like, OH SH**!"
That's more like it!

Jeff tells them all he took the liberty of going through their bags and
pulling out all their tennis shoes, then he makes them surrender all their
personal items--wallets, watches, jewelry they don't want lost, ala
sorority artifacts that have been passed down from the 1990's etc. Osten,
the Boston stock broker who listed "boozin' with the fellas" as one of his
hobbies, lives up to that statement by having to handover several bottles
of liquor. Then they're split into two tribes the old-fashioned way, with
boys and girls on both teams, assigned by CBS (before last season's girl
vs. boy start, Thailand's Jake and Jan picked their own teams). The orange
team is named Morgan for Welsh buccaneer Henry Morgan, and the blue team
(its a very greeny blue, if you ask me) is named Drake for Sir Francis
Drake. It's the first time the names have been easy to remember and
pronounceable, so kudos. As the names are called off, we get little
inserts of some of the competitors, and scruffy slacker Jon (wearing a wool
cap to the freaking Tropics, mind you) grins, "I go by the moniker Jonny
Fairplay--I don't play fair." Um. Okay. I swear I rewound that three or
four times, but it never did make any sense. I think Jon should go by the
moniker, "Jonny Not Funny," but we'll get to that later. Osten is thrilled
to have the lovely Tijuana on his team; he declares her "a Nubian
Princess," and then explains to CBS's largely white audience that means
she's hot.

Before they "walk the plank," the Survivors are given even more bad news:
there will be no food or tools or supplies of any kind waiting for them at
camp. Instead, each tribe gets 100 Balboas (roughly $100 bucks) in order
to buy the items they need, as it is market day in the tiny fishing village
they will soon be swimming to. They can also barter using their clothes
and the personal items they chose not to give Jeff. They will also need to
hire a boat to take them from the village to their islands--this year, each
tribe gets its own island! :D Neat! Everyone jumps from the boat and
struggles to shore with their shoes in a life ring that is clutched by
some, while others paddle ahead. Osten says, "Like all black "Survivor"
contestants before me, I'm not a very good swimmer." Gigantic and hirsute
Rupert, who really does resemble Hagrid of "Harry Potter" fame, complains
that his heavy "dress jeans" weighed him down and exhausted him, though he
looks like someone who might have gotten exhausted irregardless of what he
was wearing, no offense to him. He takes the pirate theme to heart and
steals the sandals and shoes left in Morgan's life ring when they choose to
leave it unguarded. Arrrr! (yeah, I'm gonna leave the pirate speak to the
CBS official web site. And you're welcome.)

MARKET CLASH

Once on the island, Ryan S, or Nerd Ryan, is dismayed when the Morgan
morons fail to gather and form some sort of plan. Instead, they scramble
around like headless yelly chickens, annoying the locals. Ryan O., or Cute
Ryan, runs all over looking to hire a boat, but can't get an estimate
because he's neglected to bring a map. Osten sells off all his clothes for
money for the tribe, revealing his red boxer briefs which say "buzzed" on
the backside--how charming. He pulls aside several of his female teammates
to discuss "strategy" and offends them by suggesting they flash their boobs
to some of the "horny old men" on the island for cash, "He didn't even know
our NAMES," huffs ever-indignant Nicole. Meanwhile, Drake is doing much
better, largely due to the fact that Sandra is on their team and as Jonny
Not Funny tells us, she has the "amazing" talent of speaking "the
language." The language, or lengua as it were, is Spanish, which I have to
assume some of these people have been exposed to in high school if nothing
else. Mi Espanol es muy mal porque yo no lo hablo en mucho anos. But if I
knew I was going to Panama for a month, I'd brush up on it--I'd at least
learn words like "boat," (barco? I'm not sure but if I were going to
Panama, I'd be sure!) which is beyond Cute Ryan when he attempts to find
one.

Sandra's value isn't just in her being bilingual, it's in her being
friendly and out-going in her dealings with the townspeople (inappropriate
comments aside, Osten is also pretty good in this regard). She takes
Jeff's words to heart and knocks on doors, crashes barbeques, and has fun.
She trades one simple gold necklace for a BBQ chicken feast, a load of
tinfoil, some knifes, some pots and a cutting board! At the local market,
the Drake tribe befriends the local market owner, a woman who becomes so
captivated by Trish's blue eyes that Sandra worries for Trish's virtue,
but it's Morgan's Tijuana who almost throws down with the local woman when
she is accused of trying to steal a pot. Tijuana's hollering match with
the shopkeeper causes Nicole to muse, "Tijuana got overexcited about
everything and she really annoyed me--to the point where I may become so
consumed with wanting her out of the tribe I might just sabotage my own
chances at a million dollars." The fracas blows over and Tijuana wins--but
when she sees how much more stuff the Drake tribe managed to rustle up, she
admits, "I was pissed. They took their time and we didn't and it
showed--and we never should have traded our life raft for those magic
beans!" In fact, she and her fellow morons actually have money left
over--an almost unforgivable blunder. Sandra beams, "We got a lot of
stuff," without pointing out that she was largely responsible for her
team's success, while tribemate Shawn boasts, "Before everyone went into
town, I co-opted about 40 Balboas which I felt would secure us a ride to
our island." Oooh, goody for you Shawn--the Moron's got one for 35 and no
one had to play Class Treasurer. This is BY FAR the hunkiest "Survivor"
ever, by the way, with Ryan O., Andrew, Osten, Shawn and Burton all looking
quite fetching sans shirts and in some cases sans shorts, but the last
three are all airport-bar frat-house boiler-room type guys. I like Andrew
and cute Ryan a little better, even though they're also rather smug.

HABITAT FOR INSANITY

Morgan arrives on their island, and immediately gets all-business, which is
a disappointment to Nerd Ryan, who wanted to laugh and cheer and take a few
minutes to bask in the fact that he has finally graduated the Yahoo! Groups
Survivor Chatroom and is now an actual participant. The group starts
looking for an ideal place for the shelter and when Osten starts running up
and down the beach Baywatch-style, Nerd Ryan complains he's doing it to
show-off his physique. Lillian gets started on the fire and confides,
"It's REALLY hard for me to take off the Scoutmaster hat," meaning she's
trying not to boss everyone around I guess, but she also seems WAY into
being a scout. WAY. Like WAY TOO. The Morons find a high shale wall and
decide to lean some big bamboo poles against it: Voila! Insta-Shelter!
Then a huge chunk of rock falls to the ground so they decide to move to--oh
wait, nevermind. I was thinking about what smart people might do. Yeah,
they go right on with their falling-shale, lie right on the ground,
half-assed lean-to shelter. Cuz they're dumb.

Elsewhere, at Drake's island, the team shares the group-hug celebrational
moment that Nerd Ryan so desperately missed. Then Burton and Shawn, who
are pretty much a male-version of last season's insufferably vain Heidi and
Jenna, start bossing everyone around as the group gathers water, wood and
starts in on the shelter. Shawn explains, "Burton and I get along because
we both have strong personalities, GREAT bodies, and we're a little smarter
than everyone else here, let's face it, doll (you can tell Shawn's the type
of guy who calls every girl he encounters "doll" and thinks they think it's
sexy when in fact it's played out and overly familiar)" The group gets
along well, for the most part, though resentments are sown by the
hard-working but insensitive Burton, who cracks open a coconut but chooses
to share it's refreshing milk with only Shawn and Michelle (no opinion on
soft-spoken Michelle yet) despite the fact that a thirsty Sandra, Christie
and Jon are standing right there. Later, self-absorbed Shawn amuses Burton
at Rupert's expense when he jokes about food that gets caught in his beard.
The big man takes it in stride, "We're a strong team, but everyone's gonna
start hating those two guys--the dynamic duo--who're posturing, tryin' ta
be the leader." Word. Hopefully they'll get into a fist-fight over which
one of them is Batman and which one is Robin.

The Drake tribe goes to their water well as a team, and gets attacked my
mosquitoes. No one thought to get bug repellant at Trish's girlfriend's
store, and they're paying the price. Jonny not Funny brags, "The
mosquitoes don't like me as much they like the rest of the tribe, heh heh,"
yeah, maybe they're on to something there. Then he laughs, "Shawn's back
looks like the moon...eh, heh, only uh, in reverse," because Jon the comic
genius couldn't come up with something bumpy to compare him to.

Meanwhile, the Morons haven't looked closely enough at their map to realize
they HAVE been provided with a clean water source. Instead, they go
running all over the island willy-nilly, depleting themselves. They find a
dirty stream that resembles Survivor: Africa's water sources (I think that
was the only time CBS didn't provide clean water, and it was a dysaster)
but no one wants to drink it. Andrew earns secure-in-his-manhood points
for asking scoutmaster Lil for her thoughts on where to find water, and
actually listening even though she's not super-helpful. That night, the
Morons sleep on the sand as the rock wall above them continues to
deteriorate and rain debris all over their fragile shelter. Then they are
attacked by bitey hermit crabs and what jumpy city-slicker Osten imagines
to be a snake (it's really a wind-blown vine). No one gets much sleep.

Drake spends it's first night on their island getting drunk on really cheap
wine. Jonny Not Funny says, "I traded a pair of mismatched shoes for this
rot gut wine--isn't that hilarious? It was a real priority for me!" Since
being perceived as "The Fun Guy" is Jon's strategy, you can see where
alcohol WOULD be a major priority--you'd have to be REALLY drunk and/or
stoned to think Jon is amusing. He cackles, "If we were 17 we'd SO be
naked right now," and as all the women trade uncomfortable looks he howls,
"WHERE ARE THE TEENAGE GIRLS!?" The Frat Bats think it's incredibly funny,
because they're WASTED but drug-counselor Rupert shakes his head, "Jon's
like a lot of the dumb teenage boys I mentor. They just pop off all the
time, sayin' whatever dumb thing comes into their heads." Jon continues,
"Trish the Dish. You piss her off she can be a bitch." This is a
HIGHLIGHT, folks. As the night wears on, yammering Jon begins to wear on
the nerves of all the girls, even pal Christie but especially Sandra who
complains, "I can't stand him, he talks to much crap all the time. He
thinks it's cute but it isn't, it's already old." Word UP, sister!

The morning finds the Drakes in grumpy spirits, as their cumbersome clothes
begin to chafe and stink. Rupert's complaints about how his heavy jeans
are irritating his groin area is merely the beginning of one crotcherific
episode of Survivor. Christie cuts up her dress into several garments,
including a skirt for an ecstatic Rupert who vows never to don the jeans
again. Jon calls Rupert "blackbeard" as though it's the funniest thing
he's ever said. Well, in all fairness, maybe it is. Burton and Shawn go
out to fish and when Shawn asks Burton if he's ever used the spear gun
before, Burton huffs, "OF COURSE!" as though his manhood was called into
question. Shawn relates the tale of how Burton caught a fish in such a way
that it sounds like he had something to do with it, but he really didn't.
While the Frat Bats are basking in the glow of their one fish, Rupert goes
out and catches six more. A threatened Burton pouts, "He's gonna hurt
himself." Rupert, who plans to be a workhorse and caretaker for the tribe
is having too much fun to really care. When he skewers a catfish he
marvels, "A salt-water catfish--I didn't they made such a animal!" Rupert
rules :)

Back at Morgan, the Moron's all have a good laugh when Tijuana FINALLY
reads the map and sees that there is a CBS-provided water well not too far
from camp. While the others begin moving their shelter away from the
shaky-shale Hermit Crab Hilton, Nerd Ryan and Nerd Scoutmaster Lil trek to
the well. Lil is fretful over the fact that her blouse is open a few
buttons and tied at her waste--a major uniform code violation. Yeah,
again, WAY TOO. She also feels she doesn't fit in with the younger girls.
Nerd Ryan doesn't fit in with the athletic guys so the two form an alliance
of outcasts. Physically, Nerd Ryan is kinda a cross between Timothy
McVeigh and Shia Le Bouf. I think he's a full-on "Survivor" geek so I'm
kinda pulling for him. Lil's a little weird and whiny but she has the
potential of being another Krazy Kath so I'm rooting for her too.

THE GREAT FULL FRONTAL IMMUNITY FIASCO OF 2003

I messed up in my Survivor Amazon Finale Review and did an Immunity Haiku
in a Limerick season--please forgive me. This is indeed a Haiku season.
Ahem:

At least those dumb girls
got to eat candy when they
showed off their goodies

The Survivors are all giddy at the arrival of their first tree mail poem.
The Moron's decide to elect 40-year old Andrew as their leader, much to
Nerd Ryan's dismay. Andrew comments on Osten's droopy drawers, which keep
sagging to reveal his butt-crack. When Osten tells him he might take them
off completely if they fall down during the race, Cute Ryan and Andrew
pledge to do the same as a sign of solidarity. Hokay.

The challenge is a brutal obstacle race, in which the teams have to lug and
dismantle and reassemble a heavy canon through a difficult course. One
person from each team gets to carry a flag and another a torch, while the
others push and pull and wheeze and wail. The Immunity Idol is a big ol'
axe with a skull on top--it rocks! The race is off and Drake takes the
early lead, with Morgan right on their heels the whole way. Osten's loose
boxers keep slipping so he delivers on his promise and takes them off and
Andrew and Cute Ryan quickly follow birthday suit. This GREATLY agitates
the Drake men--at one point Burton bursts though a series of wooden planks
in Incredible-Hulkian fury. I think he was afraid he might go gay just by
seeing another man's privates. Of course, we don't see anything because
it's obscured for television which is a little silly in the case of Osten's
butt-crack. Maybe I'm childish but I happen to think butt's are neither
sexy nor offensive and just really really funny but this is 8pm, the family
hour, so the full moons remain clouded over. What was really gross to me
was the guys wore their stinky underpants around their necks, yee! Being
unencumbered does little for the Morons, who pull ahead briefly only to be
passed in the final feet of the race by the demure Drakes. As they shriek
with glee Shawn shouts, "And we didn't have to get naked!"

Back at camp, the Drakes can't stop talking about the unexplained Morgan
nudity (remember they know nothing about Osten's saggy shorts and the silly
pact). The Frat Bats keep insisting they were disgusted by it while
teasingly implying that Michelle was intrigued by it in a very bizarre
attempt at flirting, I think. Rupert thinks it was stupid and dangerous,
Sandra wishes one of their "ding-a-lings got caught on a vine or
something." But all of them are glad they won't be voting anyone out
tonight.

The Morons aren't so lucky. The deflated team returns to camp and Coach
Andrew gives a pretty stock loser speech, "That sucked. We learn from it,
and we move on and we never forget how cocky they were when they won." Hey,
be fair, Andrew. You guys were pretty cocky yourselves ;) Now the team
must focus on who to eliminate. Darrah (a pretty, southern mortician who's
yet to make any impression) is discussing this with Tijuana and Nicole when
Andrew and Cute Ryan approach them and ask who they think should go, which
obviously doesn't bode well for those NOT in this fivesome. The girls are
leaning towards odd-bird Lil, who is the oldest tribe member. "She works
hard, but we can do everything she's doing once we get rid of her," Tijuana
asserts. Andrew chuckles, "Well did you notice what WE noticed about
Skinny Ryan during the challenge?" Tijuana is confused, "Um...he didn't
expose and humiliate himself?" Andrew and Cute Ryan think that "limp
noodle" Nerd Ryan slacked off and quit during the race, but none of the
women feel strongly about it. They're still leaning toward Lil.

Their outsider status is of course no mystery to out-of-any-loop Ryan S.
and Lil. It speaks well of both contestants that they KNOW it's probably
going to be one of them ousted and yet they choose to encourage one another
rather than lobby against. Survivor-savvy Nerd Ryan insists to the fretful
Lil, "Hang in there--this game changes EVERY day. Don't quit until your
torch goes out!"

Sure enough, for no logical reason, Nicole decides to enlist Lil in a plot
to oust Tijuana because Tijuana "gets on her nerves." First Rule of
Survivor in my opinion is that if the vote looks like it's going against
anyone BUT you, you go with that flow. Instead, Nicole decide to stir
things up because she thinks Tijuana is "too excitable." This may be
something to file away and build on should Tijuana go on to rub others the
wrong way later. But Nicole KNOWS that the boys want to oust Nerd Ryan and
that Darrah and Tijuana are thinking about Lil. She knows she'd have to
sway three or four people onto a completely different path in the span of a
few hours. It is asinine for her to bring up ousting Tijuana to Lil. Lil
doesn't have any problems with Tijuana, except she thinks her name is
Tawanda, so she tells the boys what Nicole said to her, Andrew tells
Tijuana who's already been told by Nicole that LIL initiated the move
against her. Andrew thinks that's ridiculous, and wonders if Lil is even
capable of telling a lie (also, in a game of Reverse Telephone, in Andrew's
version of the story Lil knows that Tijuana isn't named Tawanda). So
Tijuana confronts Nicole in her shouty, pointy, excitable way, claiming
that she can't trust Nicole, who stammers, "I'm not lying to you, I'm not
trying to get rid of you...tonight, anyway, but hypothetically speaking,
the way you're acting towards me is the reason a person might think about
voting you out!" Darrah moves slowly away from the doomed Nicole.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

This season, Tribal Council takes place in a cool old fort. Fire
represents life, etc. etc. Jeff starts off on the nekkid boys, "It's
pretty stupid to get naked and win, it's downright mortifying to do it and
then lose. Regrets?" Osten insists, "Absolutely NOT. We did it, it's in
the past and we move on!" Then he hangs his head with shame and starts
crying. When Jeff asks Nicole if she's made any friendships she replies,
"You can't trust anyone out here, Jeff. Already I've seen people who seem
cheerful on the surface turn defensive when they find out you're plotting
behind their back." Osten gives a big "You're going DOWN, girl," eyeroll.
Jeff gives Lil yet another chance to prove she's WAY TOO into being a Boy
Scoutmaster, but she earns her Tribe Politics badge when she praises Andrew
for his excellent leadership--especially his willingness to listen.
Tijuana nods in agreement. Jeff asks Chief Andrew if anyone's not pulling
their weight and he calls out Nerd Ryan, and both Osten and Cute Ryan react
with some surprise--I interpret this as either shock at Andrew's harshness
or dismay that Andrew's tipping his hand, revealing that he wants Ryan S.
out. Nerd Ryan responds, "I know there's been some talk that I haven't
been giving 110% percent and for the record, I want it known that I have
been giving 120%. I'd also like to point out that both of those numbers
are statistically dubious." Nicole votes for Nerd Ryan, saying simply
"You're the only person I know others are voting for," which turns out to
be untrue. Nicole makes the classic Survivor blunder of outwitting oneself
and is gone in a 7-1 landslide. She is the first woman voted out first
since Survivor: Africa. She joins Sonya who fell, Deb who yelled, Diane
who puked, Peter who unnerved, John who bossed and Ryan who slacked.
Nicole acknowledges her stupidity in her exit speech, "I knew coming in
that I would either be the first one out or I'd win the million dollars. I
know from past experiences that I can't for the life of me keep my mouth
shut." Hasta Luego, loser!

Next Week: Rupert yells at Frat Bat Shawn, and one of the Morons becomes a
big whiny baby--what, only one? See ya Thursday! :D