Friday, February 28, 2003

General Hospital week ending February 28, 2003

This is officially the worst week I can remember, and I watched during that whole Domino/ Dragon Bone story with Arielle? So that's saying something. That's relevant because the MO FO Windchimes remind me of how brainwashed Colton Shore was triggered to kill by these bells and my twin sister and I used to yell "Damn Bells!" every time we heard them, just to entertain ourselves. I really really miss watching GH with someone else. Every time Sonny picks up a glass I yell, "Throw it, THROW IT!" even if he's not angry. I think it would be more fun if someone else were here to do it with me...TRY IT. It's fun

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

For those who only *guessed* it to be so, let me put your minds at ease: it WAS Nancy Lee Grahn! From knife-weilding intensity to the sorrow of a terrified mother to faux-Kristina bravado, she completely convinces you that she is NOT bored out of her mind with the tedious scriptwriting of Guza Pratt and Korte--and we know that's not true. Kudos Nancy!

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Tony Geary was the only reason I didn't set myself on fire during F*** the Fans February. I'd say he stole the show from Maurice, but Mo didn't put up any kind of fight, did he? Honorable mention to Cynthia Preston, for her conflicted yet determined grannycide, and Summer (Brittany something?) for how genuinely touched she seemed that someone wanted to celebrate her birthday--I admit, that tugged at my heartstrings. I also liked how Kin Shriner played the Monday scenes with NLG. He likes to go overboard and be bombastic, but on Monday, when she was wigging out and knife-weilding as Kristina, he very wisely underplayed.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Steve Burton. The "oh, I'm in so much pain because I'm always doing what's noble and right," slow walk he did all week, the tired ol' blank staring bit, the way he looks down at the ground to show, "Oh, he's in so much agony!" The way he chooses to play every damned scene he's in as though he's irritated with how stupid everyone else is. And the fact that they've written this role for him where his NOT DOING A DAMNED THING is totally in character makes me so mad I could spit. Who says we don't have LIASON? Elizabeth [Korte] and Jason: the love affair that's ruining GH. And I hate how he uses doing nothing for MONTHS to make it oh so *powerful* when he DOES cry or yell or whatever, when other actors--everyone else BUT the Fearsome Foursome--do stuff in EVERY SCENE they're in because they're professionals. HATE HATE HATE HIM

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

Sonny getting gunned down on Jason's watch was rather nice, but it didn't last, so I'll go with Faith poisoning her own grandmother. It was a GREAT terrible moment, and both of them played it great, when Catherine hadn't finished her drink so Faith suggested another toast and Catherine smiled, "It had better be my last," and Faith replied, "It will be." Olivia Jerome would be so proud!

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

God telling Sonny through Luke that if he sleeps with Skye, well, he can get into heaven! But no! Sonny won't do it! He's more moral than God, in Guzaland. Also, Courtney jumping in to stop Jason from "Ohmigod, almost, like beating that goon to death!" And then she tells Carly and Sonny later, "God, you should have been there! It was lucky I was there, I thought he might, like kill the guy, okay?" And Sonny didn't say, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, you stupid bitch! THAT'S HIS F***ING JOB!"

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

That I didn't drive over to the ABC Studios on Wednesday, scream, "REPENT REPENT!!" and then light myself on fire. It's my birthday next week, you see...I guess I'm kinda curious about what I'm gonna get.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

Jax getting Skye to feel a kinship with Alexis because they'd both gone to boarding school. Uh...so did Brenda!

Why did Sonny call Courtney's kidnapping a "so-called" abduction? Uhm...grabbed by goons, check. Transported against her will to another location, check, hey Einstein, it WAS an abduction! But does he retaliate? Nup. This show has a big problem with empty threats. How many times have we heard Sonny, Faith, Ned and Jason say, "This is your LAST warning..." and then nuthin til next time.

When Carly said to Sonny, "We're not perfect, but we're not boring either," and Sonny agreed, "Never a dull moment!" I beg to differ...

This is every scene between Carly and Courtney: Carly: "You know what? You're right. You and Jason belong together! Courtney: "God! Like, I KNOW!" I doubt Sarah Brown's Carly Roberts would say "you'll alienate Jason" instead of "you'll piss off Jason" and I DAMN SURE know she wouldn't say, "I was just playing *devil's advocate* Courtney, to see if you'd really fight for him." Devil's Advocate? And how can Carly NOT already know that yes, Courtney IS indeed going to FIGHT FOR HIM, considering they've had this very conversation close to FIFTY F***ing TIMES in the last three weeks!!!

I don't know what Jason and Courtney are doing with a chess board on their coffee table because I'm QUITE certain neither of them would know what to do with it. And what the heck did they do at that place anyway??? They have a love nest but they don't have sex...he doesn't talk...and they don't play chess! I HATE GUZA! Because he doesn't believe in taking the TIME to write the kind of scenes that make you love a couple! I'm thinking about Duke and Anna sitting around talking about the Beatles, Frisco and Felicia dressing up like an old couple to solve crimes, Lucky and Liz making brownies in the mall....I'm getting a little verklempt...talk amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic: Courtney's amazing impassioned speech was neither amazing, nor impassioned, nor a speech. Discuss.

The really really bad hair needs to be addressed. Lucky--and I guess I'm the only person who kinda likes him, LOL!--but it looks like he has a bird's nest on his head, Nik looks like a Japanese Rockstar--I know he's losing his hair but...there has to be a more flattering opition. And Cameron with that terrible feathered 'do? No, and stop dyeing it! The dubious winner though is Ned, with that bizarre "hipster" jacket, . If I can channel American Idol's Randy Jackson, "Dude...it's too young a style for you. And stop coloring it, you need to stop pretending you're not 40, dawg!" On Thursday Ned looked very much like Jonathan Schaech (sp?) in "That Thing You do!" and on Friday, he looked very much like a Vulcan from Star Trek. And Friday was the better day.

When Sonny told Carly that if he had a daughter, he'd show her "by example how a man should be." Uh, so...volatile and verbally abusive, huh? Good call, Alexis, good call

Why is Summer confiding in Scott like they're old girlfriends?

Why does Jax think Dara's a good lawyer? She's lost every case she ever had! She's Port Charles's answer to Hamilton Burger.

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

This was a bad week for dialogue and at least 40% of it was Carly and Courtney saying "fight for him." I enjoyed when Luke wanted Summer to come up with an idea of something he could do with LuLu that wouldn't bore him to death, even though his being such a crap father isn't all that funny, really. It's not hard, Luke. My dad and I watched a lot of tv together, and we're still pretty close

Alan to Skye: "You deserve to be happy, you deserve to come first."

Sonny to Carly about Courtney: "Will you stop it? I just heard a speech from her, I don't wanna hear another one from you!" Oh Bless you, Sonny! I'll be praying for you this Sunday---you never know what might happen!

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Seriously, is any one making a Sonny/Jason edit tape? His jealousy with Ric is pretty hilarious. "What's HE doing here?" "Quiet, silly, we'll discuss it back at the penthouse!" "We'll never discuss it, will we, you BITCH!"

When Luke was talking about the people in heaven, I was hoping he'd tell Sonny, "Yeah, Lily asked me to tell you to leave her the hell alone already!"Alexis was wearing this sweet leather skirt and black riding-style black coat on Wednesday. Very stylish.

When Courtney threw that vase at her clock, I FINALLY believed she was Sonny's sister! Throw it, THROW IT!!

I took perverse pleasure when Carly was all excited about Alexis being charged with murder and Jason and Sonny wouldn't join in, they sort of defended Alexis.

Loved Kristina! I love babies with big giant fat heads and this baby has the biggest head I've ever seen on a baby! Love it!

Does EVERYONE have to call it "DID: Disassociative Identity Disorder??" I'm fairly educated, and I'd still say split or multiple personality. I don't care what's "right," make it sound REAL.

When Scott said to Summer, "I've made a career out of reading people's faces..." I was very disappointed when he didn't start singing "The Gambler."

Peace! Christine

Monday, February 24, 2003

Survivor 6.2 The girls are all wet

I know I've gone on and on in my various reviews about how I could never be a contestant on SURVIVOR, I couldn't deal with the bugs, the elements, the politics, the humiliation blah blah blah, but seriously, if I was being rained on 22 hours a day and having giant spiders crawl on me at night, I would devote all my energies to putting a roof over my head and a floor underneath my body! I am by no means a mechanical person--my last successful construction project was probably in the fourth grade when I made the obligatory sugar-cube Spanish Mission (undoubtedly with help from my Mom). Regardless, I don't think it takes Frank Lloyd Wright--or even Joe Millionaire--to keep cutting down branches and palm fronds until you've got enough to cover your damn head. Small uneducated children have built treehouses in less time and with fewer resources. What on earth is taking them so danged long??

Well, to hear them tell it, keeping the fire going and getting food and water is ever so taxing and much more of a priority, so they're all doing that. Kinda. Deena suggests that one person watch the fire and fetch water whilst the other work on the shelter--and no one jumps to be this person even though it sounds to me like the cushy job in camp. Shawna laments, "We are not Surviving. It reminds me of that episode of the "Brady Bunch" where the girls try to prove they can build a clubhouse as good as the boys but Cindy almost gets crushed by one of the walls falling in because they suck? That used to totally offend me but now I see the truth in it. I'm sure the guys had their stuff together way before we did."

Elsewhere, the boys are indeed thriving. They've figured out how to turn the manioc (a tapioca relative, my dictionary informs me) into little hotcakes, which Hard Core Dave raves are, "Filling and average tasting." Oh that Dave and his hyperbole. He's most proud of their tribe for maintaining a schedule. *shrug* They go fishing as a tribe--probably because there's nothing left to accomplish in camp anymore, and while its unclear if they catch anything, they all seem to be bonding and working well together. A storm moves in and they scuttle back to relative comfort of their protective shelter where Dave muses, "It would sure suck to be outside right now!" *SIGH* Of course the jumbled gals of Jabaru are just that: outside, unprotected and SOAKED. They HAVE managed to built a teepee like structure to protect the precious fire--which, you may have heard, represents fire on the island.

Reward Limerick:

The girls are most thoroughly soaked
Their shelter is so far a joke
But nevertheless
When put to the test
The boys are the ones who will choke

It's Ye Olde Blindfolded People get Yelled Instructions challenge, and it comes down to Joanna being able to multi-task and get all three of her tied-together duos working at the same time. Actually, no, it comes down to Joanna being able to remember her tribe mates names, unlike Butch, who can't. The women gather wooden planks and turn it into the desired form way before the guys and win a big ol jar of what's called "fish bait." It looks like innards of some type and I have to assume it's not edible to humans because I'd be inclined to turn it into BBQ otherwise. Not all of it, but a little of it. If I was starving. Of course, women who can't manage to use kerosene to make a fire or wood to make a roof might not necessarily equate food with...food. :( The men have no way of knowing how badly the womenfolk are faring, having been soundly defeated twice in a row. They spend the night trying to figure out how to stop the skid. Butch says, "Whoever you are, you tend to blame yourself when you lose." "We ran around like chickens with our heads cut-off," Roger replies pointedly to Butch, the man who was supposed to make sure that heads remained firmly attached to bodies during the last challenge. Dave shrugs it all off and implores his men to suck it up and regroup.

The next morning, the girls are trying to choke down the latest batch of burnt manioc which they have not managed to make into average-tasting hotcakes like the boys. Janet seems to like it just fine as it is. Seconds later, when it's revealed to be INVESTED WITH MAGGOTS, she whines, "Maggots? I didn't know there were maggots in it," but then oddly chooses to keep eating *whatever the hell it is she has in her hand.* More on that later. Janet and Jeanne try their hand and fishing and Jeanne gets a promising nibble from a good-sized fish. She and Janet shriek and jump around with glee as Jeanne drops her pole into the river--and the fish gets away. Despite this, Jeanne smiles, "I feel better--we have the bait and I know how to fish. It's gonna be okay." Um. Yeah.

The only drama at the boys camp this week is a debate about homosexuality that Roger and Alex get into. It starts with Roger claiming that so long as you're not hurting anyone else, anything anyone does is none of his business. Which doesn't really jibe with anything else that come out of his mouth about how homosexuality is unnatural etc. Kinda sounds like he thinks it IS his business, I dunno. It also puts his "I'm not a chauvinist, I just can't stand losing to girls" claim from last night into perspective. That being said, I think hypocrisy IS one of the hardest things for any of us to avoid. Because I think our intentions are always going to be a little better than our actions. It's so much easier to know what we should do than to actually do it, so it's easy to say, "Oh, of course I'm not a bigot nor a chauvinist," because they're loaded, ugly words that we know we want no part of--but it is so much harder to actually not make negative assumptions about other people based on our own ignorance. Alex has many gay friends and Roger's attitude really makes him angry. They go back and forth arguing and eventually agree to disagree while Rob stands nearby grinning like the idiot that he is. Rob seems to feel that this argument will give him an ally in his bid to oust Roger. Since Rob COULD have ousted Roger at the first vote, but chose to eliminate Ryan instead, I fail to understand why he's so fired up to do so now. This happens a lot in SURVIVOR, where people get all obsessed with eliminating "the biggest threat" but they don't have any idea who that really is. Roger will most likely clash with the girls--think about it, they consider "hey-maybe-if-you-feel-like-it-later-we-could-maybe-build-the-shelter Deena as "the bossy one." So once the merge occurs, Roger is toast. Alex, a low-key, handsome and kind young man sure to be popular with the ladies is a far greater impediment to Rob's long term survival, following any type of merge. I feel very strongly that the men will want to go into the individual immunity competitions with a few of the girls, and won't just vote the girls out one by one. And if Rob is as offended by Roger as he claims, then he really needs to wipe that moronic smile off of his face when he calls him a bigot so I know he really means it. As it is, I don't understand why you would target Roger this early in the game. Or why you would stand directly in front of two people who are having an impassioned debate with a "I don't take either of you seriously" smile on your face. Rob thinks he's playing some sort of intellectual high-stakes poker game but I think he'd have trouble beating a crafty six-year-old at Old Maid.

Here's a classic quote from my review of the first episode of Survivor: Thailand: "The Immunity Idol looks like an actual religious icon of some sort--I'd assume Buddhist. Great, thinks John, win Immunity, break the First Commandment." That was A JOKE. See, I thought it would be funny, in a ridiculous sort of way, to have one of the devoutly religious tribe members object to the Immunity Idol as though it were an ACTUAL Idol as forbidden in Scripture. :D Ho ho, I crack myself up sometimes. :D

Well. Turns out, Joanna really feels this way. She considers the (very cute, I think) Immunity Idol an *actual* forbidden idol and she wants it out of camp. She doesn't want to touch it or look at it or have anything to do with it and blabbers on and on about it all night, to the irritation of her tribemates. Jeanne implores rationally, "Why can't you just look at it as a symbol and not an idol?" "It's NOT! It's a false god!" "What if we call it somethin' else? It's just a symbol of our unification and the fact that we're all still here. Can't you view it positively as the reason we're all here togethuh?" Joanna disagrees, "We won the challenge before we had the idol and the next time we lose, we'll have done so With the idol so it doesn't actually have any power to help us win." Jeanne is quiet at this point, I think because Joanna's argument that the Immunity Idol is a CBS prop with no religious power or significance was Jeanne's point as well. Joanna vows to talk on the Word of God and the land of the living all night. A weary Deena wonders if she could do so quietly and Joanna says no.

Joanna tells us, "I worship the one true God, Jehovah Gira, El Shaddai. And maybe none of you pagans have ever read the Old Testament like *I* have but those people got STRUCK DOWN for idolatry. That's why we got rained on last night, because we brought that evil thing into camp!" No, honey, you got rained on last night because you're in the freaking Amazon during rainy season and yet have failed to put a roof over your head! Seriously, I have a teddy bear, should I be worried about God's wrath? Is my motorized R2-D2 a false god? Are my Jack In the Box antennae balls graven images? Do I need to offer up some sort of blood sacrifice because I helped elect Kelly Clarkson "American IDOL"?????? As a Christian, there's almost nothing sadder to me than legalism, the kind of God-in-a-box faith that limits people to fear and self-righteousness as they try to duck lightening bolts from an angry and impersonal God who apparently lacks the ability to discern our intentions. If Joanna is truly worried about idolatry--worshipping something other than God--than maybe she should take a good hard look as to why she's decided to put her *own* image on our television screens, or why she really feels she needs to win a million dollars. *stepping down from soap box and self-proclaimed seat of judgment*

The next morning, Christy goes for a walk with Jeanne. Deaf Christy has asked Jeanne to fill her in on what she misses at night once the darkness eliminates her ability to read lips. Jeanne tells Christy about Joanna's objection to the Immunity Idol, and how she's just not as excited by it's presence in camp as the rest of them are. Later, Christy is talking with Janet and apparently she says something about Joanna's views about the Idol being stupid and Joanna overhears. They get into one of those really hard to follow "Oh no you di'n't" Reality show arguments. The gist of it seems to be that Christy feels she has a right to her opinion and Joanna says that fine so long as she's not disrespecting her to the other tribemembers. I think. At one point, Joanna puts her hand in Christy's face, which is one of the rudest things you can do a person during a conversation, particularly since Christy seemed to be trying to sort things out. Christy tells us, "If you're supposed to be a "vessel of Christ," try being nicer to people, kinder to people." Word. Joanna winds up coming off like a bully unable to bury the machete. When Christy apologizes and says "We both made mistakes," Joanna spits, "My mistake came after your mistake." What a bitch. Christy tries not to cry while sad sack Janet offers her a little sympathy.

YET EVEN MORE GIRL DRAMA!

During the last rain storm, the girls packed their gear into the crate which contained their CBS-provided food stuffs, machetes etc. The girls have no shelter, still, but have managed to come up with a plan to keep some of their stuff dry, which is better than nothing. When they unpack their personal items, Jenna spots what looks like a granola/power bar wrapper on the bottom the crate and asks, "What's that?" And everyone looks suspiciously at one another. Janet says a little too innocently, "That food thing? Is that what your guys mean?" Yeah, Janet, what else could they mean? Dept. DA Deena implores the culprit to 'fess up, but no one does. Personally, I was almost more impressed and intrigued that someone HAD managed to do what we have been told again and again was impossible--smuggle food into Survivor! Jeanne says the remaining half of the contraband granola bar constitutes an unfair advantage over the boys and should be burned in the fire, Joanne does so. Deena wants to cross-examine everyone to determine who's lying WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME but that doesn't happen. Instead, Jeanne tells the others privately that she saw the wrapper in Janet's bag, and the others seem to agree that Janet is the most likely perpetrator, but there is no Lord of the Flies tribunal. I don't want to accuse an innocent person either but Janet's behavior is the most suspicious of everyone: gleefully eating that maggoty manioc--was it actually a piece of her granola bar?, overly ignorant questions about the *food thing* while no one else is afraid to call it a granola bar and later, her interesting choice of words when expressing her anger at Jeanne. "I don't like cheatuhs," Jeanne growls, who's either telling the truth, sorely mistaken, or this year's answer to witch-hunting Jerri. I like Jeanne too much at the moment to consider the last.

Immunity Limerick

In order to win this here idol
And therefore maintain your survival
you'll have to look close
and remember the most
If so you will claim this week's title

A simple challenge, where the tribes walk through a fake camp and try to remember as many details as they can about its contents. The CBS production staff includes a skillet over the fire on which yummy yellow manioc cakes are roasting--perhaps they're trying to give Jamburu a clue to their survival, since the girls can't even manage to cook as well as the boys. Both groups are asked 10 questions, whoever gets the most right wins. The boys strategy to stop gloating and boasting and instead calm down and focus pays off, and they dominate this one. I was very displeased when Rob got his first question right, though he blew his second question. It didn't MATTER that he blew the second question, since Deena did too, but it mattered to me. Rob is hardly a villain on par with Hatch or Jerri or even Boston Rob...yet I despise him. He must remind me of someone I hate from my past...being a nerd myself, I *have* known many. Anyway, Jeff tells the girls he'll see them tonight and stupid Joanna is probably too thrilled to be rid of the evil idol to even care that her tribe is about to diminish.

Janet is clearly the front-runner to go at this point, since she's weak, whiny and maybe a cheater. But Christy decides to throw her name into the ring. Some of the gals are lounging on the platform they've managed to build (it doesn't seem big enough to fit everyone). Jenna was flipping through some kind of book (her luxury item?) and Deena seemed to be braiding something, I'm not sure. Christy plops a bunch of branches down at Deena's feet and declares, "I need someone to help me put this up so we can have a shelter." She tells us this is the laziest group of people she's ever been associated with. Now, I'm the first person to agree that this tribe needs to muster an Amish Barn Raising vibe pronto, but being belligerent and accusatory is not the way to get people on board. I mean, even if you're justified, even if you're in the right, that whole "catch more flies with honey" thing? TOTALLY TRUE. I mean, I'd be more inclined to guilt people into helping me by just continuing to cut down branches whether I got help or not--and I think I *would* get help. But no one likes to be bossed around, so when Christy sniffs, 'I'm not gonna sit and chill like the rest of you guys," you know it's gonna be a few hours before anyone helps with the shelter. Deena in particular is not pleased, as she's been doing quite a bit of the physical labor in camp. Some time later, Joanna and Deena march into camp with loads of wood and palm leaves. Joanna is singing a military style ditty, "We'll win, we'll win, we'll work together." Jenna glances over bemusedly. Whether this is because she's like, way too cool to ever sing something like that, or because she's struck by the irony since the girls just lost and are not working together on ANY level, remains unclear. Deena throws the palm leaves at a now-lounging Christy's feet and says, "Here ya go, build away." Deciding two can play at "You're not the boss of me," Christy yawns, "I don't wanna. I wanna go fishing now." Jenna, Joanna and Deena glare, with Joanna looking particularly homicidal. "I tried earlier," Christy explains, and no one was interested so..." She shrugs. I guess Hard Core Dave is right about schedules--they're important. I completely understand Christy's emotions, but expressing feelings--even perfectly valid ones--in a hostile and childish way is not the way to play Survivor--or office politics or...any sort of inter-personal situation. It just makes people fantasize about your not being around, which is lousy strategy in a popularity contest, I'm just saying. Jeanne tries to play along, and tells Christy where she left all the fishing gear but now Christy says she doesn't want to do *that* either. "No, no, I'll do the shelter if that's what everyone else is doing. I just want everyone to be doing it instead of sitting around." Jeanne insists poetically, "Nobody's shrkin' Everybody's workin'. " They manage to get the shelter to look sort of like a canopy bed with out the canopy before they start to pack up for Tribal Council.

Deena assures us, "If Christy goes tonight, it's because of her attitude, not because she's deaf." Janet realizes it's either her or Christy tonight, so she pulls everyone together to say, "It's gotten around that I'm the one who brought the, uh...tuna casserole thing that was in the box? I have *no* idea what to call it since I didn't bring it. Anyway, I just want you to know I didn't and if you vote me out tonight, fine, but if that's the reason, you're making a mistake." No one says much of anything and the girls head to Tribal Council. Janet tells us she's voting for Jeanne because she's the one who "stirred everything up." Personally, and I know I'm convicting Janet on circumstantial evidence, but if I knew I was being falsely accused of something, I'd be a little more indignant.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Janet if the girls look to anyone in particular for leadership. Janet says, while her nemesis Jeanne nods in agreement, that Joanna and Deena have carried the load in terms of physical labor. Deena offers no excuses for their inability to build a shelter while Joanna maintains that protecting the fire and fetching and boiling water are taking up all their time. Jeff observes, "You don't seem to have a plan," while kindly failing to mention, "The guys built their shelter AND their fire shelter in a matter of hours." Then he asks Christy a loaded question about the shelter and whether she's being purposely excluded because she's deaf and she bites, "The shelter should have been built days ago. People are sitting around and doing nothing and I'm working ALL THE TIME." Then she cries as she discusses how isolated she is due to her hearing disability, "No one tells me anything. People move away from me when I come around--they treat me like crap and I work harder than anyone!" Janet pats her hand while Jenna looks so wound up physically her body is danger of turning in on itself and imploding. Jeff asks her to comment and she replies, "It's insulting to be told we sit around. I'm up boiling my underwear at LEAST four times a day, okay? And no one hates her because she's deaf. We hate her because she's annoying. We're a bunch of women trying to survive in the freaking jungle without food and water. A little bitchiness is inevitable."

The vote is decisive, but kinda old school in that four different people get votes. Despite Christy's inflammatory comments, Joanna is the only one who votes for her, (spelling it Khristie) "We need your physical strength but your attitude STINKS!" Janet also praises Jeanne's strength as she votes to oust her (spelling it Jean), "You're strong but you're too aggressive." Again, that's really interesting phrasing if Jeanne's accusation was unwarranted. Christy votes for Jenna (spelling it Jena). Janet gets the remaining five votes and is eliminated from Survivor: Amazon. She joins BB, Kel, Jessie, Patricia and Tanya as the second one out of the game. Even though she shares a smuggling scandal with the almost-certainly falsely accused Kel, she's more like a BB, Jessie or a Tanya who just couldn't hack the game physically.

Voting out Janet was the smart thing for the tribe to do, since she's the weakest link physically and hasn't shown much in the way of personality or fire or grit or really anything one might need in a competition. The game just quite simply kicked her ass. Still, there was something just unbearably sad about Janet waving goodbye with that big old stuffed animal sticking out of her backpack. Jeff hopes the girls will turn around their fortunes and get cracking on the survival elements of the game. I SWEAR I'm not making this up, I was on the phone with my sister and said, "The girls just need to pull it together," and they came out of commercial with the scenes for next time with Jeff's voice intoning, "The girls CAN'T pull it together!" "Ay Caramba!" I shouted. To her credit, Janet gave the best exit speech since Hunter's "I'll sent the Coast Guard out to save you knuckleheads," laugher. Janet says she now realizes she's more of a Cancun woman than an Amazon woman and implores any other middle-aged women who are thinking about having a mid-life crisis to try changing their hairstyle rather than go on a reality show. Nicely done, Janet :)

Next week, Christy now seems like the weak link. Her harsh words make it unlikely that anyone's gonna reach out to her any more, and risk annoying the others who are *clearly* fed up with her. For the boys, despite Rob's trying to gun for Roger, I think Daniel is still odd man out. The guys have gotta have figured out by now that the Survivor powers-that-be want every challenge to be potentially winnable for the girls, which means no "who can bench press the most" Immunity Challenge. So it'll be the guys that seem socially on the fringe, like Daniel or maybe stuck-up Matt, who are the most vulnerable.

Peace! Christine :)

Friday, February 21, 2003

General Hospital week ending February 21, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Vanessa Marcil. I thought she was fantastic during and after the non-wedding. Confusion, desperation, indignation, anger...she was just shattered inside. I loved the scene where she banters with Skye like a tough chick and then crumples as soon as Skye leaves the room. I even dug how she flung the pen cap across the room when she went to endorse Jax's check. Bye Vanessa! I'll miss you

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

I'm unapologetically going with Tamara on this one, for the shame, terror and rage she showed during Tuesday's slimefest. That Bazooka gum wrapper fortune was right: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

I also loved Nancy on Friday, when she said to Scott, "And I swear to GOD I'd do it again," it was so chilling--pure Cassadine!

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Gotta be Maurice with Jax on the pier: "You could not....HONOR..............your......COMMITMENT!" And he almost never made eye-contact with anyone this week. He just sucks. Honorable mention to Steve Burton, who reminded me of a kid who's gotten out of P.E. with a fake sprained ankle and then keeps forgetting to limp. He was just Jason, same ol' everyday not-just-out-of-surgery Jason ALL WEEK, but once an episode he holds his chest like he has heartburn. GENIUS, Steve, really. ACTING!

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

I actually really liked Jax and Brenda's break-up scene in the penthouse. I didn't buy Jax dumping her in public, but their reunion WAS rushed and there was always a lot of mistrust on his part--rightly so. And they didn't deal with it before the ceremony and they really should have. So I totally believed his hostility and her contempt--like Scarlett with Ashley Wilkes at the end of Gone with the Wind, "Why didn't you just frickin' tell me this ages ago? Saved us some trouble?" It was ugly, as break-ups often are, and it helped ME move on, LOL.

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Well, Sonny and Jason's shoutfest at the club was so much of a "HUGE GREASED BULLET TITANS" Guza wet dream I wanted to gag, but I'll go with Tuesday's vile "Was Carly raped or just stripped naked and mind-raped?" scene. The imagery was so disturbing, a confused young woman is asking a man she thinks she can trust for help and then when she lashes out and then passes out, a look of contempt crosses his face as he pulls down her blouse. I don't care if they didn't *really* have sex, it bothered me. And I don't care if Rick Hearst is cute--so are a lot of frat boy rapists. And they're still being coy, "Is he evil? Or just sleazy? Tune in to find out girls, and ain't he fine in that tight black t-shirt?" His "I'll show you, bitch." attitude is all I need to know about this character. And rape survivor Liz is meanwhile defending him while he revels in Carly's self-loathing. We've got the sickest PTB in Soapdom.

Then we have Ned, the father of one girl and he also considers himself the father of another, lamenting to Faith that it's a good thing Carly wasn't raped--or they'd be killed. So...no objection on moral grounds? Huh. I was literally depressed all night Tuesday, and I'm one of the 2 out of 3 women watching GH who HASN'T been sexually assaulted. It was just irresponsible to push those buttons without a shred of compassion or even any real thought to what they were doing.

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

That I still watched GH after Tuesday. I suck.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

This category is like the potato chips commercial: Betcha can't name just one!

Why did Jason feel he had to ruin Carly's club opening and chase everyone out just to have a private word with Sonny? Couldn't he have found a suitable office/kitchen/alley? "GET OUT OF HERE! NOW! I NEED TO YELL AT SONNY AND IT HAS TO BE HERE!"

LMAO at Courtney when she said, "Let's Go!" to Faith, like she was throwing down It was like watching Strawberry Shortcake challenge Darth Vader to a duel: "Well, golly, lady! You better not say nuthin' mean to me again!" "I find your lack of talent...disturbing."

WTF when Jason paid for his Kelly's lunch and Courtney asked him how it was?? "Like, Jason? I know it's like totally hard for us to like, see each other? Cuz like, after you saw me strip we like, realized we were like, soulmates or whatever? And then you almost died but then my lame brother was all "You guys have to break-up!" But anyways, I really need to know...how was the pie?"

MO FO WINDCHIMES! I realize they think we're idiots, but do they really need to clue us in with a sound effect, "Look out, kids! It's KrAzY KrIsTiNa!" Like, we aren't gonna notice in a second when Alexis refers to herself in the third person?

Ned getting an on-air hand-job was pretty rude. The fact that Guza and Pratt consider this self-deluded, creepy wannabe-gangster Ned an improvement just underscores how deeply mired they are in their own mid-life crises.

The fact that Sonny's talk-to is his dead wife's headstone and Brenda's is LILA, for Pete's sake, shows how devoid of meaningful relationships this show really is.

When Sonny said to Jason that Carly hadn't left town because she wouldn't abandon Michael Yeah Sonny, except for when she abandoned him at birth and the time she faked her own death...

And poor Ned, when he told Jax that he, Ned Ashton, SUPER GENIUS was plotting EVER so slowly and carefully, so that Sonny wouldn't see it coming. Uhm. Ned? Remember the part where he keeps bursting into your hotel suite every few days to tell you to stop coming after him? I think he knows

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Skye to Jax: "All these years you've carried around the mythic Brenda in your heart, a woman against whom all others were measured against and found lacking. And then Brenda returns and even she doesn't fit the bill. You have very high standards, Jax. I certainly couldn't meet them. It's comforting to know Brenda couldn't either."

Sonny: "He left you at the altar?"Brenda: "Yeah, well, at least he showed up and told me the truth to my face."Sonny: "Yeah."

Faith to Sonny: "Back OFF! Before the only problem I have is your blood on my carpet!"

I loved it when Brenda was lamenting her crappy luck with weddings and Jason suggested the next time she got married to do it the way they did:Brenda (Ah Ha!) "Without the LOVE!"Jason (patiently) "Without the WEDDING."Brenda (like she followed all along) "Without the WEDDING."

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Sonny is becoming Bobbie, you know how she used to go around town saying about Carly, "Well, she's my daughter, and I love her BUT..."? Now Sonny's doing that, "She's my life, I love her but she's always gonna do something incredibly stupid!" Meanwhile, Bobbie, placing everyone's phone calls from the 7th floor Nurses station has become Amy

Courtney and Liz's scenes always remind me of "The Bachelor," you know, these catty women humiliating themselves for a shot at some vaguley handsome loser with a little money. In WHAT universe is an emotionally stunted HIT MAN worth all this? Help! We're trapped in Elizabeth Korte's fan fic!

LMAO off at Coleman's sultry phone sex voice with Jason and Sonny on Friday

I HATE Carly and Sonny's sterile, dark bedroom. It always seems like they're in an AMTRAK sleeper car.

Finally, can Sonny please stop calling Jax "Candy Boy" as though it's clever? And can AJ call Jason "Mack Daddy" all the time?!

Peace! Christine

Sunday, February 16, 2003

Survivor 6.1 The Amazon :D The fun is back! :D

Girls rule! Boys drool!

Sorry boys, I just had to get that out of my system :D The boys vs. girls element had me worried, but it's really shaken up the tribe dynamics--and punished the pretty people on both sides, bwah ha ha. And the girls have won the first Immunity Challenge (and NO it wasn't a bake-off or a knitting contest), which will hopefully humble the boys enough to stop their insufferable "They don't stand a chance cuz they're girls" posturing, which would have sorely tested my devotion to the show had it gone on for weeks and weeks. Their internal politics are far more fascinating anyway. Maybe it's because it was 90 minutes long, but I can't think of a "Survivor" first episode where I was really able to distinguish all the personalities this early on--not that we're not in for some revelations and surprises, mind you, but I'm really fired up about this Survivor in a way I haven't been since Africa.

The season begins as always, with my beloved Jeff (we've made up) telling us how dangerous the new place is. The Amazon is very hot and humid, with rainstorms and crocodiles and piranhas and the anaconda, which Jeff describes as the most feared snake in the world. Does that mean there are people who would be relieved to see a king cobra instead? "Oh, never mind honey, I thought it was an anaconda, but it's just a silly little cobra, nothing to worry about." 39 DAYS! 16 People! One Survivor! Jeff begins dividing the group into two tribes. When he puts the fifth girl on the first tribe, everyone realizes that it will be men vs. women, and both groups seem pretty happy about it. Deputy DA Deena says, "I was glad it would be an all chick thing. We can let our hair down and we can pee in front of each other!" Erm...yeah. You know, I have lots of female friends who I feel quite comfortable with and...I can honestly say I've yet to pee in front of any of them and I think we're all pretty happy with that. Viet Nam vet Roger seems worried about the womenfolk, "They don't have the strength to survive out here without men. They may have the will but...it's pathetic!" Asian Texan weightlifter Daniel boasts, "There's no way a bunch of women are gonna beat us at anything! Physical, mental, anything. We're NEVER gonna go to Tribal Council. NEVER." And he says something to that effect in front of the girls because they are bitter about it.

Why do people trash talk, when all it does is fire up the other team? I began my Survivor Thailand opener review with a little chat about Aesop's fables and overconfidence and whatnot so I don't want to repeat myself but, honestly. Don't these people watch the show? Don't they know that there may be a tribe switcheroo and certainly (or, hell, what do I know, maybe not) a merge? So it's wise not to be a big jerk on day one to the other tribe? *sigh* I should teach a class on going on Survivor, I have so much to give.

The tribes listen to Jeff tell them how the Amazon got its name, "A Spanish explorer was exploring this region in the 1500's, and he came across a race of warrior women, so he named the river after them." Well, not exactly Jeff, unless this group of South American native women were *really* into Greek mythology, but we know what you're getting at at. He names the girls Jaburu (ja-buh-ROO) and the boys Tambaqui (tam-BAH-kee). I'm just gonna call them the girls and the boys until a switch forces me to come up with clever fake names, if its all the same to you:) The boys get waaaaaaaaay the heck down river before down-to-earth cutie Shawna can manage to untie the girl's boat--not a good omen, but getting to camp isn't a race and they're on their way...eventually.

Ryan the model sulks, "It sucks when you're as good-looking as me, and you *know* that your plan to totally charm the ladies into doing as you say is TOTALLY gonna work and then it turns out your tribe is one big sausage-fest, y'know?" Sorority gal and swimsuit model Jenna is equally bummed: "Every season on Survivor, there's like, a pretty girl? Who like, doesn't have to work very hard because the guys all like to look at her so they vote out the ugly people first? I was *totally* counting on being that girl."

The men arrive at their camp and open their supply crate. Before they can have at it, Hard Core Dave, a humorless and intense young rocket scientist intones, "Men! We are men of honor! We have the advantage and YES, I'm talking about our Y chromosomes and our precious, precious penises. We are the favorites, we are superior--" His speech is cut off by jocular computer guy Rob who states, "We'll look like the biggest pussies if we lose to a bunch of girls!" Ryan adds, "Bottom line--we're not going home if we lose because we CAN'T." To the camera, he adds, "Let's face it, a lot of the girls over there are eye-candy. Thanks for looking great in a bikini, but it's more important to be useful." THIS from a male model, people. Then he says the guys' "butts are on the stove," presumably meaning that the men in America are gonna collectively freak out or something should these 8 jokers lose some stupid obstacle course race to a bunch of girls. The guys open their supplies, and it's pretty stocked: water, fish hooks, lanterns, flints--and a locked mystery box with no key that we all need to file away for future reference--could it involve a future tribe switch? Anyway, the boys eagerly pull out the machetes and Butch warns them "Careful with the machetes, they can kill ya!" Butch is an agreeable middle-aged man and junior high school principal who tends to talk to his tribesmen as though they were adolescents and in *some* cases, it's a pretty appropriate response. They have a vat of yellow flour that good-natured triathlon coach Alex (a favorite of mine so far) assures us is full of carbs.

Elsewhere, the girls get to their campsite and Shawna proudly ties a nice slipknot to secure the boat (you watching this, Brian and Ted?). Christy informs the stunned group that she is deaf and hasn't heard any of their constant jabbering on the trip over. She wants to keep it from the boys if they can and she needs to be looked at directly when being spoken to, so she can read their lips. She wears a hearing aid and speaks very well--she's a hellava lot easier to understand than Big Tom or Clay. The girls all vow to make this interesting wrinkle work but Jenna frets to us, "Okay...like, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be able to like, work together with someone who like, can't hear me talk."

The boys discuss shelter strategies and Butch tries to tell everyone what to do but with suggestions, so he doesn't come off too "alpha." GRRRR, the men bash machetes to show friendship, GRRRR, they cut down trees! GRRRR! They are loving every minute of this so far. Dave explains, "We had kerosene for the lamp, so starting the fire was cake." Cut to all eighty previous Survivor contestants leaping off their couches in rage, "KEROSENE?? FREAKING KEROSENE??" It takes like, five seconds. Uptight Matt, a vaguely superior restaurant owner wonders if the *chicks* have started their fire yet. Pretty much all the boys refer to the girls as the chicks, which is fine, but when Matt does it, it's in "I don't usually use such vernacular" quotation marks. Roger thinks they have.

But they haven't. I'd like to say they think using the kerosene is cheating but honestly, it appears they never connect the fact that the fuel in their CBS-provided lanterns can be used to make fire. Instead, it's a big five hour fiasco ala previous Survivor seasons. District Attorney Deena, a stout, take-charge kind of woman says they need to decide what's important and the pixyish Heidi (aren't they all? Do parents get some sort of premonition that their daughter will be small and blonde with a little high voice so they name her Heidi?) says, "Like, shelter." and Deena inquires, ala Butch, trying to lead without leading, "And how do you suppose we do that?" Heidi is put-off and tells us, "Deena's kinda bossy? Like, if six of us had a really good idea, she'd be the one to say, "Let's not do that."" This is so far purely speculative because the girls don't actually come up with any really good ideas during their first three days in the Amazon. Shawna suggests that half of them work on shelter and half on the fire, so they sort of do that. Jeanne, a 40 year-old mother of three says wryly, as she struggles to machete down a tree, "We're Amazon women. We'll get through."

The men are quite rightfully proud of the shelter they have managed to build in a matter of hours (take that, Sook Jai). Butch unveils his luxury item, a banner he hung in the halls of his middle school to motivate the kids which reads "Believe In Yourself." Hard Core Dave takes it very seriously, "That's something to think about," he muses. Rob, who fancies himself the comedian of the group tells us, "We're getting along great, I'm sure the girls are having a difficult time. No WAY they can catch fish if our expert fishermen can't. They didn't have ANY idea they'd be doing this on estrogen alone at Camp of the Vagina Monologue." I didn't know you could *say* monologue in the Family Hour on CBS. No matter, for all his snarky talk about estrogen, he's hardly what comes to any woman's mind when they think of testosterone >:) Roger is also confident that the girls can't possibly be doing as well as they are--and make no mistake they AREN'T. But the men's constant obsessing over out-performing the girls at every conceivable task seems silly to me. I have a lot of male friends, and I can't imagine any of them sitting at home saying, "Yeah you'd damn well BETTER start a fire first!" But men, the guys at Tambaqui clearly are doing this for your approval, so I hope you appreciate it.

Night falls and the girls have fire but no shelter so they're sleeping on the bug and snake infested ground. They have a good laugh at how bummed some of the guys seemed when they realized they wouldn't be looking at boobies until the Immunity Challenge. Since it's dark, Christy can no longer follow the conversation and goes to sleep. The next morning, everyone is bug-bitten and grumpy. A tarantula is found near the vat of carb-loaded yellow flour and Deena tries to move it out of camp with her machete. Jeanne calmly steps on it--I like Jeanne. Had I been there, I would have shrieked like an infant, jumped in the canoe and paddled back to wherever the hell Jeff and the production staff hang out and beg to be sent home. I can't abide spiders. Deena decrees that they are cold, wet, bug-infested and miserable and they need a shelter and some food, pronto. They agree that six of them will go to get supplies while two remain to tend the fire, etc. Instead, everyone goes except Christy, who hasn't been told. She watches them leave and doesn't say, "Hey, isn't anyone else staying?" and they all walk away without anyone saying, "Hey, I'll wait with Christy." It's an odd moment. Christy is emotional and feeling left out--a typical day in the life of a deaf person, she tells us, and she's worried that the others view her as a liability. Heidi shrugs, "I haven't really bonded with Christy because of the whole *deaf* thing? I mean, like, if you can't communicate with the people around you, it's pretty hard to communicate." Uh...yeah.

A monkey watches the boys put on the roof to their shelter. Roger has taken charge of the project, which is rubbing the younger men the wrong way. Rob shrugs, "I just do what he says, I know how to play this game." Frankly, this is the part of the game that always confuses me. I mean, I'm a pretty defensive person and I don't like being bossed around--but I also know my limitations. If I'm out in the jungle with a guy who seems to know how to build us a shelter that's gonna protect us from rain and heat and anacondas and tarantulas then I'm gonna do what he says. Simple. I mean, if Ryan the model and Rob the computer guy and Daniel the jacked-up accountant had a better plan for the shelter, that would be one thing. But they clearly DO NOT, so listen to the guy who DOES. Sheesh. For his part, Roger is discouraged by pretty boys Ryan and Daniel, whom he considers useless slackers. Alex speculates that their "post-modern" Amazon shelter will soon be the subject of a Home & Garden photo spread. The other guys CAN NOT stop themselves from fantasizing about how badly things must be going for the girls. Ryan snickers, "I'll bet the girls are sucking at this!" Matt chimes in stiffly, "I find it most unlikely that the ladies...er, that is to say *chicks,* as you chaps say, have dismantled the forest quite so thoroughly as we." Rob guffaws to the camera, "I don't think the girls work well together. Their shelter won't be as good as ours. I see them all crying and panicking and trying to build a cell phone to call their boyfriends to come build them a shelter!" Yeah, it's official. If you're on Survivor and you're name is Rob, you are a total jerk--and yes, that's about the fourth or fifth word that sprang to my mind.

However, it's at this point in the episode that I started to vibe out the script, which Burnett "writes" through editing. I mean, I've seen enough Breaking Away and Mighty Ducks fare to know this is an underdog, come-from-behind kind of tale. Tortoise and the Hare. Would Mark Burnett *really* show all this footage of Rob's braying nonsense, of the boys gloating and the women positively sucking at all things practical just to have the boys annihilate the chicks at the Challenge? That's not dramatically satisfying. It was right as Rob said the thing about the cell phone, obnoxious as it was, that I began to have hope.

Which I needed to sustain me when we cut to *some* of the girls *sort of* building their shelter. Joanna, this year's only black contestant, seems to be the only one with much shelter building skill. Jeanne tells us woefully, "I thought we'd be more focused, I thought someone would take the leadership role. We look disorganized--its embarrassing. We're dehydrating--this could get bad." I'm reminded of something I read in college about the differences between the way men and women interact, socially. In all male groups, leadership and prowess are usually admired and followed. Men tend to look up to guys who prove themselves to be superior in some way. In clinical tests, men will speak favorably of others in their test group who took charge and knew what they were doing etc. In all female groups, the focus is on getting along and fitting in. A girl who takes the leadership role, who demonstrates superiority in some way is often resented. In the same clinical tests, she will often be described as bossy and stuck-up. "She thinks she's better than us." I don't have an answer in that for the women, but they need to come up with one soon.

Jenna has found a solution--she's devoting her time to boiling her underwear and buffs. "We stink, and that's like, attracting flies? Which is soooooo gross. Things can like...live on you? Like, especially, *down there* if you catch my meaning, because...you know how people say 'stick it where the sun don't shine?' That's like TOTALLY true! It's dark down there so I'm boiling our underwear--clean underwear is a BIG priority for us!" She and Heidi lay the hot buffs out to cool on the skeletal half-assed semi-shelter floor they've almost built. I think this is one of those "really good" ideas Heidi was talking about earlier. Deena complains, "We're having trouble focusing on one task, finishing, and then moving on to the next. So...people feel like washing their buffs and that's what they do. I'm thinking, SHELTER." But she's afraid to seem bossy, and nothing gets done. Christy encounters some boiled water on the fire and wonders what it's for. Nurse Janet, the eldest member of Jaburu at 47, answers, I think *they* boiled it to wash their *clothes* in," her voice oozing judgment. Deena snarfs, "Because you know, it's a priority out here--gotta have fresh buffs." Christy rolls her eyes, "Whatever." Deena and Christy share a commiserating smile. Nurse Janet and the Panty Princesses decide to go fishing. Jenna relates, "We went fishing? And Janet's like, dying or whatever? So she basically just sat in the boat and did nothing. If we lose a challenge? She could like, seriously be out of here." And you won't get any argument from Janet, who moans, "I can't do this! I've had it. I expected this to be hard, but it is BRUTAL." The girls don't catch anything and Janet gets discouraged and emotional. Jenna wonders if she's actually sick or just tired. Heidi is actually quite sympathetic as Janet wails, "I can't do a challenge--I can barely walk!"

Back at the men's camp, Rob makes a big show of donating his luxury item--a Magic 8-Ball--to the group. Don't get me started on how lame a luxury item this is, unless you use it to brain a tarantula (or Rob). He forbids the group from asking it about Immunity Challenges, so the boys start asking it if they'll score with any of Jaburu's hot babes (Heidi, Shawna and Jenna) and Magic 8-Ball clearly thinks they're sluts because it guarantees action for everyone. Rob rhapsodizes about the spirits at work in the Amazon and in Magic 8-Ball--he's almost too geeky to truly hate. Almost. I have to agree with him about the 8 Ball. Not as a luxury item, but I *have* seen the awesome predictive powers of this "toy" and I give you this warning: Do not ask a question unless you are truly prepared to hear and live with the answer.

Jeanne and Joanna go fishing with the net and manage to catch a razor spined fish that they decide to chop up for bait. Joanna has a habit of spontaneously singing out praises to God *very* loudly. Jeanne thinks its a kick. The two get so distracted by their fish that they don't realize they've drifted several hundred feet away from their oars. They handle the situation with calm and good humor and seem to make a good team. They manage to catch a silvery fish about the length of a finger, which they cook up in the edible massage oil that Jeanne brought as her luxury item. Joanna blesses the meal, thanking God for their opportunity to, "come together as civilized women, and eat like barbarian women." Shawna describes the meal's consistency as somewhere between vomit and snot--charming!

Immunity Limerick

It would come as no big surprise
if victory went to the guys
but despite all their talk
it isn't a lock
they're soon to be cut down to size

Roger chuckles, "We're the most macho, confident guys Survivor has ever seen! We don't think we can lose!" The girls can't match the men's confidence. Deena says hopefully, "I think we will win a few challenges, but the men *will* dominate, just because of strength." Jenna suggests that Heidi flash her (substantial) boobs to distract the guys--it might be their only hope.

The groups assemble at the Obstacle Course--because it's always an obstacle course and asks the men how they're doing and if they've caught any fish. The men lie and say yes and when Jeff says, "Really?" Daniel says, "Plenty of fish." Jeff asks if the girls believe them and they laughingly say no but relate the fact that they've eaten fish this morning, which the boys don't believe. It's all very playful and fun. Re-read this paragraph and establish the order of events--it will be surprisingly important later on.

Jeff shows everyone the (AWESOME!!) Immunity Idol and then explains the challenge. I usually don't go into this much detail but it's important this time. All 8 members will be belted together to go through a "tough nut," which is this maze of sticks you sort of have to crouch and crawl through. They unlock into two groups of 4 to get over a rope net thing. Then one of the foursomes from each team has to figure out a code using a dial on which letters correspond to numbers. When they solve the riddle they get a combination that unlocks a chest that contains keys to bring them into four pairs of two. The pairs have to balance themselves across a log without touching the ground--or you go back to the beginning. When all four pairs are across, one of the pairs has to put together a puzzle. When they accomplish that, they all unlock and one member swings to the last key on a flying fox trapeze, then races back to unlock a gate behind which the rest of their tribe is waiting to be free.

Both teams are dead even through the maze and rope crawl/run portions of the race. But when they hit the code-breaker part, the girls just totally bonk. The men finish well ahead of them and get most of their team over the logs. They are waaaay in front of the girls and it seems an insurmountable to the girls. It'd be like erasing a 25 point lead in the 3rd quarter of a playoff game--who could imagine such a comeback? ;) But Jeff implores the girls not to give up because Daniel and Ryan CAN NOT seem to manage this simple task. Matt and Rob had some trouble, sure, but managed to crawl their way across. Daniel and Ryan can't even manage THAT. This challenge really shows how useless those meathead kind of muscles of Daniel's are. He's so jacked up he can't control his own body. It also proves that saying: "Easy as falling off a log"? TOTALLY TRUE. The girls eventually get done with the puzzle and move easily over the log--all on their feet--just as Daniel and Ryan *finally* manage to hug the log for dear life and get across. It's tied again, and we get to the puzzle: The girls have the already proven team of Jeanne and Joanna, while the guys send Dave and Rob. The girls fly while the men flounder. Jeff mocks the rocket scientist and the computer guy for sucking so badly at a jigsaw puzzle. Heidi is on the flying fox while they're still scrabbling and the girls win. Jeff says, "Guys, just like the New York Giants, you had a huge lead and you squandered it on a national stage. Tonight, we'll see who you consider to be your team's Trey Junkin."

Back at camp, the girls are jazzed and exulting over their victory. They know the men were talking a lot of smack, and they know how demoralized they must be because they lost to a bunch of girls. Even Janet has been brought back from the brink of death and seems invigorated and strong. They believe in themselves.

CUT TO: Butch's Believe in Yourself banner hanging mockingly form the shelter as the men drag into camp, angry and humiliated. Butch admits, "We were a little cocky. No way eight chicks were gonna beat eight macho guys." Are there really eight *macho* guys? I count about three, maybe four. Matt says, "I believe those "chicks" really did catch fish." Butch chuckles at the banner and admits, "I think today we believed in ourselves a little *too* much." Maybe, but does it matter? They lost because Daniel and Ryan sucked at the balance beam AND because Dave and Rob sucked at the puzzle. They lost fair and square, actually. It's not a tortoise and hare situation--Daniel wasn't whistling and lollygagging over the log--he really tried. And Dave and Rob didn't guffaw and spot the girls a few minutes on the puzzles. In other words, I think their over confidence was unwarranted, but I'm not sure it actually led to their downfall, unless instant karma came into play.

Then Hard Core Dave decides to gather the troops and go off an insane rant :D "We were cocky ass*&%$'s," he begins, "We were baited with a question about how many fish we caught after the chicks were already asked that question and I think we answered with a cocky, arrogant answer! I am a man of character and integrity! Don't bring me down. Don't lie to them about how good we're doing--we're doing great. But don't lie to them." First of all, Dave is totally wrong about the events of a few hours ago. The guys were asked the question *first* and claimed to catch fish when they didn't before the girls said one word about it--they were hardly "baited." Secondly, as Daniel points out to us, it was done in a humorous, light-hearted way. Everyone was laughing and having a good time and teasing each other. No one was under oath, for crying out loud, it was all in good fun. Rob is secretly pleased that honor and integrity mean so much to Dave, "I'm a lying cheating snake, so Dave's insisting he's never gonna lie is only gonna hurt him in this game, nyah." Surprisingly, no one tells Dave to jump in the river or chill out or get over himself. Instead, there's a lot of fist bashing and mea culpas. Ryan begins, "Dudes, I just wanna say, about the balance beam...I kept falling and if I did anything wrong, I'm sorry." Is there anything more annoying than when someone apologizes to you by saying, "If I did anything wrong?" The "if" just hangs there to say, "I admit to nothing, I just want you off my back." Roger is in agreement with me and glares contemptuously at the young punk. Ryan laments to us that he has his ass to the stove, even though it was Daniel who kept falling off the log. I personally have never heard the phrase "ass to the stove" in my life and Ryan's said it twice in an hour. Is this a Maryland thing?

Roger begins stumping for support in his campaign to oust pretty boy Ryan, who's plotting against him. Mr. Integrity himself, Dave, tells Roger he has no problem voting out Ryan, but tells us he would never actually do that because they're from the same hometown--oy, he has some kind of "code." He wants to get rid of lollygagging Daniel. Ryan tells Daniel, "I won't kiss Roger's ass! He's not the boss of me and I'm tired of him ordering me around! Not that I'm complaining." Okay, and how is that *not* complaining, exactly? Sir Matt informs us, "Tensions were most definitely running high. There seems to be *quite* the standoff brewing between Roger and Ryan." Ryan, Daniel and Matt are just giddy with intrigue, putting their fists in a circle, saying Roger's name, and then vowing not to so much as make eye contact until Tribal Council. Preppy Matt is grinning from ear to ear, thrilled to have made friends with the cool kids--I think he sees himself as "Marty" to Ryan's "Spin." Rob is approached by both Ryan and Roger, and pledges his allegiance to both. "Ryan is fun," he muses, "But he's also loud and abrasive. He's really self-centered and we have to work as a team right now. Will I vote him out? Signs point to yes. But Roger is bossy, so maybe I'll vote him out. Cannot predict now, reply hazy, ask again."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

You know the fire drill, it represents your life in the game. Jeff takes great joy in rubbing salt in the men's wounds, "I'll bet this is real humbling," he grins, knowing this is great television. Roger smiles, "We thought we'd get beat on the mental side and they beat us on the physical side. That was a shock." Jeff corrects him, "No they beat you all the way around!" "They beat us fair and square," Good sport Roger agrees. Daniel owns his failure on the balance beam. Jeff asks if the men find any girl in particular attractive and Ryan says, "Hey, they're hot but none of those girls is worth a million dollars. That's where I stand." Jeff starts to take a little poll to see who's the hottest girl and Daniel thinks it Shawna. But Hard Core Dave has to jump in and clarify, "What Ryan was trying to say, but not crudely enough for my taste? The quarterback doesn't screw the cheerleader at half time. We're here to play a game." Rob nods like this is the coolest thing anyone's EVER said in his presence. Jeff's rather mortified and Roger chuckles, "You should hear what he says in camp." My notes to Dave on that colorful analogy would be that Heidi, Shawna and Jenna AREN'T cheerleaders, they're members of the other team who just kicked your ass, fool. That said, I don't quite hate Dave--he has the makings of a fascinating psycho, which is good televison, if ya ask me. I honestly can't wait to hear what he says next. Jeff carries on with his "Who's the fairest of them all" poll and Alex votes for Shawna while Rob professes his love and devotion to Heidi. Then Jeff turns on them and says, "You idiots came out talking more trash than I've heard from any team EVER. That's Sook Jai, the Baltimore Ravens and the LA Lakers COMBINED. Then you get beat and all you care about is hooking up!? You're gonna be in serious trouble!" This struck me as pretty lame on Jeff's part since he was the one who asked their opinion about the girls in the first place.

The men go to vote. Ryan casts his vote for Roger hissing, "My advice to you is don't hunt what you can't kill!" Ay Carumba. Butch votes for Ryan, "You're a good boy--but still a boy. Silence is golden." Ryan wasn't much of a talker on-camera, so we must have missed some fun moments. Dave votes for Daniel, "I didn't like your attitude at the challenge and how it reflected on the rest of the team." Man does this guy takes himself too seriously or what? The final vote is close: Daniel 1, Roger 3 and Ryan four. Ryan looks stunned at the news, and Rob does his best to appear surprised though he cast the deciding vote. At 24, Ryan is BY FAR the youngest person to be ousted first in Survivor and his elimination gives us three straight seasons of men leading the way out of the game after the first three seasons saw women holding that dubious distinction. He joins Sonya, Deb, Diane, Peter and John. I guess I'd like to say to Ryan, hey, thanks for looking so great, but it's more important to be useful! ;)

The men interest me in that, they all see themselves as capable and strong, so they aren't really concerned with keeping someone they dislike just because of his perceived physical strength. Dumbb Robb would have been so toast had they started this way in Thailand. It's a whole new ballgame and I'm loving it. The girls on the other hand are going to need to step it up in the survival department and fast--will a leader emerge before they're devoured by bugs in their shelterless sleep? Next week, I predict the boys will rebound and send the girls to Tribal Council. Daniel certainly hopes so or he's sunk. The scenes tells us a rainstorm threatens to drown the homeless women--but an even bigger threat to their team spirit appears in a mysterious item (food!?) that someone has tried to keep hidden from the rest of the tribe. I can't wait! It's hard to predict who might go without knowing just what this drama is and how betrayed the others feel and who's the culprit and are they caught, etc. etc.! I'm going with Panty Princess Jenna--I'll bet she smuggled gum to keep her breath fresh for all the boys she was planning to kiss :) Survivor: Thailand strained my love of this show to the breaking point but it's back, it's revitalized and I've fallen in love again :D

Peace, Christine :D

Friday, February 14, 2003

General Hospital week ending February 14, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Robin Christopher. I feel sorry for her, she irritates me, I root for her, I cringe for her, I hurt for her. I loved her rolling her eyes at Brenda's weepy, heartfelt vows. I also liked how she played the Alexis reveal. It was more WTF? then big soap Dum Dum DUM! She's too world-weary a character to have her eyes bug out and her jaw drop to the floor. She has created a far more interesting character than could possibly exist on any page that came from the likes of Bob Guza.

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Robin, when she stumbled unto Jax and Brenda's wedding room. The brave face she put over for Jax, while still revealing hurt and humiliation and regret and anger to us. She's fantastic.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Alicia Leigh Willis on Monday, her petulant valley girl interpretation when Brenda was trying to give her some insights into the mobster girl life: "WhatEVER, oKAY? Sonny's a gangster too and you don't even KNOW Jason. He's the sweetest guy in the whole world--even though he's like, killed people or whatever? This one time, like, he gave me this Christmas ornament shaped like my dog, okay?!!" Puhleeze.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

I loved the very brief scene between Jason and Brenda, when she said something like, "If you broke up with Courtney, and you know you can't leave the mob...then you did the right thing." There was all this subtext and emotion between them, like she finally understood why Sonny dumped her--that it was to protect her (even though the timing sucked, LOL). And in that moment, she forgave Jason for being the one who brought that message. It was a very sweet, healing moment. I'll miss you, Vanessa!

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

A tie: Brenda and Jax bowing down to kiss Lila's ring and Sonny bothering poor ol' dead Lily once again to tell her how much he loves Carly. My sister and I were watching that scene, when he said he kissed Brenda to prove his love to Carly, or *whatever* and my sister said Lily was in heaven yelling, "Yeah? You kissed her a lot when *we* were married, too! Look where it got me!"

I also hated Alan and Monica's totally SOAPZONE spat at the wedding:Alan: This wedding sure is hard to watch for THIS SkyeJax fan!Monica: Oh, shut up! We Brazen fans were totally manipulated and cheated!" Remember when these two were given Emmy-worthy storylines of their own?

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

Maurice showed up to work on Thursday. He was *there* with Tamara on the docks and he was there with Vanessa. He didn't stutter, he didn't pause between every fourth word. It was refreshing.

A lot of the dialogue has surprised me in the Sonny/Jason break-up. It's been dead-on and judgmental of Sonny and Jason and the mob life. It won't last, LOL, but it's been nice.

Also--we had a Jerry reference and ALMOST a Miranda reference.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

Jason's being able to walk out of the hospital HOURS after surgery and blood transfusions. Then the next day he picks Faith off her feet--which would most likely pull out the stitches he *should* have...right?

Sonny's "For the record, I don't trust you" crap with Ric. I mean, if Sonny wasn't totally Gummi Bear, he has Ric killed, or at least beats the crap out of him, for defying him, for hanging around his wife when he's told him not to. Instead we get Sonny talking big, "I see through you, don't think I'm fooled for a second!" YET continuing to let him near his operation and his family. It's ridiculous.

Jax waiting to dump Brenda in the middle of the wedding. I just don't buy his humiliating her like this

Speaking of humiliation--couldn't Skye rather easily *buy* a gun? Instead she boinks a guy on a pool table so she can steal his? Huh?

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Alexis to Cameron, "I would never have survived my childhood if I snapped every time someone said something upsetting to me."

Courtney to Sonny, after he lists all the ways she *won't* die, thanks to his intervention, "WOW. You can control all that? I am impressed."

Carly to Jax when he advises her to keep Sonny from his wedding to Brenda, "Sonny didn't show up when *he* was supposed to marry Brenda, why do you think he'd bother now?"

Carly "I'm sick and tired of "the world according to Sonny Corinthos!" WORD!

Cameron to Alexis: "the Kristina I have met is not the sweet karma-coated sister you and Ned described."

Brenda to Sonny: "You know, you were right: it WAS a great ride!"

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Felicia was wearing a really cool coat on tuesday--long hide jacket with wool fringe? It was sweet!

Does Sonny's bodyguard Marco seem gay to anyone else but me?

Could Coleman please wash his hair? He has a sexy voice, but I CAN'T get past the grease, dude.

It's a good thing Kelly's doesn't seem to have a manager, what with Liz and Courtney *constantly* rushing out in a tizzy--they'd be fired for sure!

Is Jax gonna get a wedding every sweeps period?

And finally: I think it was pretty cruel of the GH art department to make Lulu's "Polar Bear with Ice Cream Cone" better than anyting Liz Webber's painted in her life!

Peace!