Survivor 11.2 "Why Would You Want To Vote Me Off First, That's Retarded!"

BEFORE WE START

Several of you have asked me to do an Amazing Race review. Friends, it's all I can do to keep up with the Survivor review, and Survivor is my first love. I will however make a couple comments: That stressful yelly mean disrespectful Jersey family needs to GO, and those evil snotty bratty creepy Gaghan kids need to be humiliated. It was sad to see the little kids trying not to cry when the Black family got eliminated (the show's only African-American family is named the Black family, which was unintentionally humorous throughout, because if you didn't know better, you might think no one had bothered to learn their names and was just calling them "the black family.") Anyway, if this game makes the Gaghan kids cry I will be laughing, yes laughing at small children in pain, and singing "She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes." I think the only reality person I hate more than those kids is Fabian Basabe on "Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive." Someday, he is going to murder somebody and use diplomatic immunity to get away with it. Hopefully it won't be Haley Giraldo because even though she's a spoiled brat, she's Pat Benatar's daughter, and I love Pat Benatar. Yes, I'm watching a reality show on E! I have a problem, I need help. Also, I am dreading the new TV Guide, which will come out in two weeks, and won't be digest-sized, and won't have the newspaper pages that are so easy to highlight. I can't begin to tell you how sad I am about this, about how it's gonna be the size of a regular magazine, and only have national, not local listings, and I'm paid up til next year so I can't quit in a huff. And in case you were wondering, no, people with REAL problems, don't have blogs. Now, onto the Survivor...

A TALE OF TWO TRIBES

At Bobby Jon, everyone's sad and beaten down from going to Tribal Council. Bobby Jon laments, "Seems like that's where I live, seems like I'm paying rent at Tribal Council." Oh Bobby Jon, it'll be okay :( The next day, Blake continues to wheeze and suffer and Margaret continues to fret. Brandon is unsympathetic to Blake's plight and sneers, "I've got nothing against the guy, but I'm just stronger and tougher than he is and, when you've got pain, man, you've just gotta man up." Can that whole, man up, cowboy up anything up phrase just go away? Please?

Meanwhile, everything's hunky dory at Steph, [The played some kick-ass bouncy background music here] because they won immunity the day before, so they can wallow in their delusion about being united and one tribe and bestest friends and let's not forget "family." It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people on reality shows are able to label total strangers as their "family." ANd if one of my family members did this, I think I'd be a little offended. Anyway, the Stephs are full of love for one another, the girls are braiding one another's hair, and they judge the other team for not having as much fun as they are. Steph jokes that Bobby Jon is the reason for that, "He's so damn serious," she chuckles. The others huddle about her, eager to soak up her every word, because she's a famous person. Jamie then brags on their diversity, "We got a bum (meaning himself), a police officer, a magician's assistant, a fishmonger, a gay guy and a landscaper, but we all come together brilliantly." Yes, apparently Rafe is gay by profession, as well as persuasion. Then we get Weird Gary telling us AGAIN about how even though he TOLD everyone he's a landscaper, he left out the part about being an ex-NFL quarterback 15 years ago and he's living in fear that someone's gonna recognize him. If you want to truly capture the ridiculous intensity that Gary and CBS are giving this "secret," I want you to do this: Every time you hear or read anything about Gary having been a professional football player, I want you to change it to Gary having "Killed a Guy."

WEB OF TRIES

The gang gathers for the Reward Challenge. Reward is a bunch of fishing gear--line, hooks, and a bowl of worms. The challenge has the Survivors racing across a ramp and then climbing around a rope-web tent thing, in order to untie some sandbags, which they must then bring back to the starting line. The web is set up over a pool of water, and if the contestants fall in before they get their bag untied, they have to go all the way to the start without getting a bag for their team. ANd, everyone on the team has to go at least once before they can start loading up attempts on their stronger players. The Steph's sit out Amy. Remember, you can't sit out the same contestant in back to back challenges, even though it sure seems to me like they haven't always kept track of that, or adequately explained to the audience what they mean by back to back. To start, Bobby Jon loses tome to Jamie, but then Cindy makes it up when she races against Brian. Blake and Steph are fairly even, as are Brandon and Gary, and Margaret and Rafe. Then, Rafe becomes the first player to fall in the water without getting a bag. To make maters exponentially worse, he then cannot pull himself up the ladder. It's not a death blow though, because then Judd falls off the rope web. Morgan and Danni do well, as does Lydia, but Brianna falls with no bag. Jamie goes one more time and it's almost tied going into the end with Blake against Brian, and Brian doesn't stand a chance. Blake dramatically collapses at the end, to remind his tribe that even though he was the awesome all-star today, he's gonna need a long nap and some TLC if they expect him to do well in the next challenge.

FOOD: CHALLENGING

The Bobby Jon's get up the next day at, as Farmer Brandon so colorfully puts it, "the butt-crack of dawn," in order to catch some fish. I didn't know you could say butt-crack on CBS--you sure as hell can't show it. Meanwhile, the Stephs have to be a little more inventive. Steph is pulling up roots, while Rafe wonders if anyone wants to try eating a grasshopper he found. Everyone takes a pass. In what turns out to be stealth foreshadowing, Morgan is shown sitting around while everyone else is hustling for protein. Lydia the fishmonger makes a little cove in the lake and puts a net over it. Rafe and Gary bring a disgusting ant nest to camp because ants are full of protein. Steph refuses to eat them, but Rafe thinks they have a "nice zing to them." It's probably fortunate that they didn't win the Reward because Rafe might have eaten the bowl of worms. Steph vows not to eat any of the nasty bugs. Things look up for the tribe when Lydia comes into camp with 10 little minnows, which they grill and feast on. Brian gushes, "Lydia, you are a work horse, I think we need you." Lydia is pleased that she's proved her worth to the tribe, but little does she know, her tribe is a bunch of morons.

FREAKIN' BLAKE, MAN!

Blake can't breathe again, and Nurse Margaret is once again worried. Judd Deluise splutters, "Lemme tell ya somethin' about Blake, man. He does basically nuthin' at camp, man. I mean, he's a great guy, I got nuthin' against 'im, but he's got Maaagret nurturin' 'im all day, all I hear is "sit down, relax, get some waaatuh. I'm sittin' there thinkin' how much more relaxin' does this dude need, man?" Judd complains bitterly to an agreeing Brandon that they aren't able to shine in challenges because they're doing all of Blake's chores. "I wanna be duh big hero next challenge. I'm gonna be duh big hero!" Settle down, big boy. It's real early in the game, man.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE TAILOR MADE TO MAKE JUDD DUH BIG HERO

Blake is off hyperventilating into his hat, as Danni proves me wrong by letting us know that she knows who Gary Hogeboom is, because she's a sports radio chick. I find this bizarre, and quite frankly, suspicious. Maybe he does, like commercials for used car dealerships in the midwest? Or, more likely, they cast her specifically because she does know who Gary Hogeboom is just so she could "out" him, just to make his whole "secret life" thing into more of a story. *yawn* Then Danni chirps that she's not so worried about facing him in a challenge because, "Quarterbacks aren't usually as athletic as the rest of the football players." Huh? So you're saying Warren Sapp is more of an athlete than say, Donovan McNabb? Really. Really? Danni sucks, and she's the reason why some men are always complaining about women being sideline reporters, even though there are plenty of women, like...I dunno, ME, who are just as informed and knowledgeable about football than most guys. Fantasy Football results notwithstanding.

So, it's this big mudbowl, and the teams are connected to each other on this rope belt thing, and they're gonna try to tug the other team across so they can get a flag. This will happen for 15 minutes. When no one wins, it's on to individual tugs of war, and you can play anyone as often as you like. Most convenient if you have a tree trunk on your team, as the Bobby Jon's do with Judd. Anyway, the team vs. team challenge starts and Brian decides it would be more helpful to try and full some of the women of Bobby Jon off the main group, and try to pull them backwards. It doesn't help his tribe gain any ground, but he does get locked up with Danni who whispers to him, "Gary used to be an NFL quarterback! You must know the truth! You have to confront him about it or CBS will hurt my family, please! It's the only reason why I was cast! That and the fact that I was on Star Search in the 90's!" The tug-o-war is a stalemate, and it goes on to one on one. First tribe to three flags win. First up, Judd vs. Gary. Judd is huge, and Gary is an ex-quarterback, for crying out loud. Everyone knows how wimpy those guys are. Judd wins. Then Jamie takes on Farmer Brandon. Jamie inexplicably decides to give up his traction in order to stand up and try to run up and pull Brandon backwards. It is a bonehead move, and Brandon is able to easily pull Jamie off his feet and win the match. Judd goes again, and the Stephs have no choice but to play Jamie again, since he's the heaviest member of their tribe. Judd waits until the last few seconds of the match, until Jamie relaxes, and pulls him effortlessly across the mud pit in order to claim the last flag. The Bobby Jons win immunity. Jeff doesn't make any comment about how Bobby Jon himself has won immunity for the first time in his Survivor career, the way he did with Steph. Don't tell Julie, but I think Jeff hearts Steph.

CAMP STEPH DRAMA

Steph tries to rally the troops, and reminds them that they aren't down, losing a member just means a tie. The boys go off to talk about who to vote out, and Jamie announces that Steph knows the game to well, and is to strong to keep around. Yes, Jamie is a complete idiot. Plus, I don't understand what "knowledge of the game" Jamie thinks Steph has. It's not that hard to figure out. It's about numbers. Hey Jamie, if she's that good, and that strong, why don't you FORM A FREAKIN' ALLIANCE WITH HER? Idiot. Plus, when you're competing against the other team, you know, the team with the tree trunk and the more-athletic-than-your-guys team? Uh, it's asinine to get rid of a strong player. Fortunately, the other guys know this. Well, Brian and Gary know this. Rafe is pretty much gonna stand there and look nervous, no matter what you tell him to do. But he will do whatever you tell him, so long as you make him feel included in your fake 39 day TV "family," which will benefit whoever wants to exploit it. Rafe is very needy. Anyway, I don't know if Jamie tried to lobby Amy to boot Steph, or if Gary or Brian went to AMy and said, "Jamie's a moron and wants Steph out," but anyhoo, Amy goes to a stunned Steph and tells her that "Jamie and those guys" are talking about voting her out, "Why would you want to vote ME out first, that's retarded," Steph scoffs.

At dinner, Brian drops the "bombshell" *yawn* *stretch* that Danni whispered in his ear while they were mudwrestling (hey, it happens). "So, Danni told me that you were once an NFL quarterback, Gary. Tell me that isn't true, because I don't think I could be in tribe with someone who actually...*shudder* played professional football!" Gary chuckles, "That's pretty funny." which, in all seriousness, was a great response. I think the whole thing is silly and stupid and over dramatized, but Gary's almost non-reaction, and his casual "that's pretty funny," actually makes it seem like it IS just that, a funny, not true thing that Danni said because she's some crazy troublemaking chick. But I still have to laugh at Gary's assertion that if his tribe finds out he's Gary Hogeboom, ex-Dallas Cowboy, he'll be voted out "immediately." These kids won't have any idea who he is, even if tells them who he is, and all he'd have to say is, "We didn't get paid back then the way they get paid now," or "I made some bad investments," OR he could use the fact that he has some money as a reason to bring him into the Final Two--he doesn't need the money, maybe he won't get the votes. But these people just don't seem to know how to play this game, it's like amateur season out in Guatemala. Except for maybe Brian, although it's clear from his using the terms "quarterback" and "linebacker" interchangeably that he isn't really what you'd call a sports fan.

Gary talks to Amy and Rafe while they're on a water run. He's decided that either Lydia or Morgan must go, because they are the weakest members of the tribe (although it was Rafe and Brianna who failed in the Reward challenge). But Gary's not gonna target Rafe, probably because he fears the closeness of the women, and the "dreaded women's alliance." He claims Lydia is "limited" in challenges, even though she's done just fine in them so far. When Gary runs the pair by Steph, Steph wants Morgan out, no question, but Amy lobbies to keep her, because she's a dancer and therefore will be good at balancing on stuff, should the need arise, and this seems to sway everyone. All of a sudden, everyone's willing to throw out Lydia, with her proven work ethic and skills and keep lazy Morgan, because of some theoretical ability they all think she might have in some upcoming challenge that may or may not ever happen. Idiots. But wait, there's one smart person in the tribe. Brian. I started off not liking Brian because he says in his bio that he's going to use his skills as a psych major to manipulate everyone into doing his bidding, or whatever, and people like that irritate me, but I've changed my opinion. Because a) he's not lying, he is able to bend everyone into to his doing his will and b) his will is to keep the more-deserving and more-useful Lydia over wimpy Morgan. Brian agrees with Gary that they must come to an agreement so that everyone votes one way. If they split the vote, the person who remains will be angry and hurt and that would be awkward and potentially damaging. Brian reminds Gary that Lydia works hard and Gary sighs, "Yes, but I don't want to lose another challenge." Brian counters, "But we haven't lost any challenges because of Lydia though." YES. Thank you! Brian gives Lydia a heads up, and tells her she need to fight for herself. Lydia lobbies Gary to keep her around and Gary, who moments ago had told us that the key to Survivor was to not get emotional, gets all soft and mushy and bendy. Rafe frets, "We don't need a fracture at home. I mean, at camp. But the hard reality of this game is that we *sniff* have to vote each other out!" Be strong Rafe, stay with me, you can do this.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

They get to the Tribal Council ruins, and Amy seriously looks at the torches like, "Ah you kiddin' me wit duh torches hee-uh?" ANd Jeff rolls his eyes, "Everyone get a torch, dip it in the fire, fire represents life--it's Season 11, people, c'mon." Jeff goes to Steph first (big surprise) "Why would ANYONE be so stupid as to want you out first, Steph." "I know, right? I mean, I know the game, so use me! I think I 'm safe this week but, this game is a big bag of lies half the time so who knows?" Jeff throws to Jamie, "Jamie, seriously, Steph is strong, smart, and hot. What the hell is your problem with her?" Jamie sighs, "She knows the game REAL well--do I have to draw you a picture!? She not weak like girl, she strong--like--like BOY! Jamie confused." Lydia takes Jeff cue to defend herself, which earns Brian a nod of respect. Then Jeff asks Morgan, "Are you guys as united as you seem, or is it possible that SOMEONE, I'm not gonna name names, but SOMEONE, hint, hint, might be out of the loop? Because SOMEONE, Morgan is going home and that someone, Morgan, probably hasn't been told." Morgan smiles. She smiles because she doesn't watch the show--or at least, she doesn't pay attention enough to realize that when Jeff asks the question about honesty within the tribe, honey, if you aren't lying to someone, you're probably the one being lied to and you should be very very afraid. But Morgan chirps on, as her tribe squirms around her, "We're unified because we're all TOTALLY honest with each other. We all kind of know what's going on, and we all love each other but someone has to go home, and that's like, sad, because we don't want to say goodbye to anyone yet!" I am very surprised that Rafe didn't burst into tears at this point. Instead, he insists bravely that their FAMILY will move on from this crushing blow and be stronger than ever before. Morgan is blindsided and ousted 8-1. She votes for Lydia. When she sees her name come up again and again, Morgan looks very sad. Rafe looks even sadder. In her exit interview, she laments her naivete, and we get to see her parents wishing her well in the Family Moment. Actually, her Mom wishes her well and promises her a spa appointment upon her return, while her dad just sits there, looking gruff and/or uncomfortable. Jeff chastises the tribe, "Well, you bastards claim to be unified, yet the person you voted out never saw it coming. Good luck sleeping tonight. And Steph, seriously, sweet dreams."

RANDOM LOSER FACT

It turns out being a "magician's assistant is indeed the only interesting thing ABOUT young Morgan, but I'll leave you with this quote from her bio: Morgan "feels her greatest achievement is allowing [her parents] to live vicariously through her as she performs, competes and travels to new and exciting places." That's kinda creepy.

Morgan leaves the game in 17th place, following Vanuatu's sheep farmer Dolly, who accidentally played both sides by being friendly with everyone, and last season's Ashlee, the buxom Mormon girl from last season. Nope, no one else remembers her either. Morgan is also the first Survivor contestant to share her name with a Survivor tribe, unless I somehow forgot about some guy named Ogakor.

Tonight: Well, Amy hurts her ankle in the promo, but they got me last week with Blake, I ain't falling for it this time. If the Stephs go back, It's probably Lydia or Brianna, even though Rafe is just as weak, in my opinion. At Bobby Jon, I don't expect Blake to go unless he really is airlifted out. I'd guess the guys want a girl out, since girls alliances irrationally scare men on Survivor these days so I'd guess Brooke, since I still don't have a clue who Brooke is or what she's about. *shrug*

Peace Out! :D

Christine

Survivor 11.1 "We might send off one of these crippled broke-down guys."

BEFORE WE START...

If you or anyone you know is catching up with Survivor: Africa on the Outdoor Life Network, be sure to check-out my reviews on the blog: http://opinionjamboree.blogspot.com The episodes airing this week are archived under November and December of 2001. Yes, it's been that long.

For those shopping for another reality show, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart started last night and it is AWESOME. Yes, she's a little scary, but she also writes a charming thank you note to the ousted contestant each week. I don't know why the ratings stunk, it was great! Tune it next time.

Lastly, I just found out that Blondie isn't in the Rock Hall of Fame. I'm sorry, what!? I thought they went in when the Ramones and the Talking Heads did. I am frankly, outraged. Also, if you see any of your Baby Boomer acquaintances looking similarly outraged, it could be because they just saw a commercial in which Jefferson Airplane's "Volunteers" was used to sell Tommy Hilfiger's clothes for today's conformist youth. I guess the revolution WILL be televised. Cheer up, Boomers, I survived Burger King's using "I Melt With You" to sell cheeseburgers...

WE'RE BACK!

Hey everyone, welcome back to Survivor! The first episode is always a little confusing--I don't pretend to know 9or care ) who everyone is just yet. This season, it's Survivor: Guatemala. Or as I like to call it, Survivor: Yavin, since the exterior shots used for the planet Yavin in "Star Wars" were shot here. Yes, I am a giant nerd. This season is the first season since Survivor Amazon that we haven't been on an Island--that was five Survivor's ago! Jeff promises that this season will be full of monkeys and snakes and crocodiles and suffering. 39 days! 18 people! One Survivor!

THe tribes arrive at an ancient Mayan temple. At one point, Jeff refers to them as "authentic," as if we might think CBS threw together a pretend 10 story temple as a substitute. THe tribes have been pre-divided, so there's no team choosing ritual this time, which is fine by me, I like it when they mix-up the little things. The players are all dressed in really bright colors--I don't know if that's something they were asked to do, to like, stand out, or to have a sort of "fiesta" vibe, or if really ugly day-glo tank tops are just coming back into fashion. I half expected Wham! to appear at the top of the temple singing, "Wake me Up Before You Go-Go On That Grueling Eleven Mile Hike." But wait, that's not George Michael and Andrew Ridgley....it's Steph and Bobby Jon!!!! What the!? It turns out that they are the twists in the game, and will compete again as members of Yaxua (yah-shaw) and Nakum (nah-KOOM). I think it'll be easier to just call them the Stephs and the Bobby Jons. Almost everyone geeks out when they realize they get to meet Steph and Bobby Jon. Jamie sulks, "The girls we're all excited because I guess Steph's their hero. All I could think was, How'm I gonna win the million dollars now that she's here?" Well Jamie, you could vote her out in 7th place, like they did last time. Meanwhile, "sports radio host" Danni is happy to get Bobby Jon because, "A man is stronger than a woman." Farmer Brandon insists that having Bobby Jon isn't that big a deal because Bobby Jon is "kinda dumb." Very soon after he says this, he slips and falls on his ass. Well done, Survivor gods. You leave Bobby Jon alone, mean Brandon. >:( Jeff reminds them that Bobby Jon and Steph are tribe members just like they are, and can voted out right away if they're that resentful and shortsighted...

MARCH OF THE SURVIVORS

THe first challenge is an 11 mile race through the jungle to try and get the better of the two camp sites, and flint to make fire. They get a couple compasses, a map, some water, and all the fruit and corn meal they can carry. The Bobby Jons rely on ex-Marine and ex-Fireman Jim, the designated "old man" of the group, who is actually only about 60. He seems older because this is easily the youngest cast they've ever had, with most of the contestants in their 20's. My guess is, that speech Jeff made at the Finale about most of the winners being over 30 freaked out the marketing department, so they're trying to rig it so somebody in their twenties wins. This is also the whitest cast they've had--Latina Lydia appears to be the only person of color on board. AGH! GIANT ANTS! Reason thirty-three why Christine will never try out for Survivor. I prefer my seat on the bug-free sidelines, thank you very much. ANyway, Jim is the only guy that knows how to use a compass, so he leads. On the Stephs, it's Gary Hogeboom, who's carrying a terrible secret--he was once and NFL quarterback! Why is this a terrible secret, you may ask? Well, he's afraid people will assume that since he used to play professional football, he's rich and doesn't need the money. And he's so afraid people will recognize him from his glory days, he's even come up with an alias, "Gary Hawkins. Landscaper." What's sad is, the people who actually remember who Gary Hogeboom was, were laughing the hardest at the idea that anyone would remember who he is. I mean, I remember him because he was my favorite Dallas Cowboys quarterback. He sucked :) I'll bet they asked Danni to wear her "Football Chic" shirt just so he could look over at the other tribe and fret about her saying, "Hey...didn't you throw more interceptions than touchdowns when I was in grade school?" Anyway, Rafe the Wilderness Guide hangs back at lets the guy with grey hair take the lead, "The leader always gets voted out first," he reasons. Not only isn't this true (there are notable exceptions, but it's usually a weak or annoying person who gets voted out first) but I have to object in principle to a self-appointed Wilderness Guide who chooses not to, you know, guide. Whatever, Rafe. Gary says he didn't want to try to be the leader, but being on a tribe full of 20-somethings means his "paternal instincts will kick in." And you know they're gonna LOVE that. Then we get Judd, who might just be the lost Deluise brother, sputtering, "Ay, Ah'm just a freakin' doorman from New York, man." Yes, even reality TV has clumsy exposition...

STILL MARCHING...

"We're going in the right direction, we just need to speed it up," Steph barks. I think the problem with the 11 mile hike is, from a TV standpoint, it didn't seem any different than the long hike the tribes had to take in the dark at Vanuatu. Maybe that was only three mile, I have no idea, but it played the same way on TV, no matter how hard we're told that it is. What's interesting about it is it's similar to the Adventure Racing competitions where Mark Burnett first got his start. Anyway, things pick-up for the viewers when a spiky tree jumps into the path and attacks Blake, biting him about the shoulder. Nurse Margaret saves the day and plucks out the stickers, but later, Blake collapses into a pukey, shivery ball, and the tribe has to halt. Which is fine, because it's dark anyway and neither team can read or maneuver anyway. Amy of the Stephs tells us in a thick Boston Robesque accident that, "We stahted hearin' some noises, it reminded me uh predaduh." Hopefully, Amy won't remind me too much of Boston Rob. The groups meet up right before they exit the jungle and get to travel on a path. This is thrilling for the Stephs and demoralizing for the Bobby Jons, because everyone thought the Bobby Jons were way ahead of the Stephs (I'm not really sure why, maybe based on how fast they left the temple?). The Stephs can't capitalize though, mainly because Lydia and Amy are dragging behind. This irritates Steph, but the slower pace may be saving them future grief. Over at Bobby Jon, the man himself has doubled over in agony, a victim of severe cramping, but Nurse Margaret saves the day, and she gets him hydrated and on his way. The Bobby Jons get to the canoe's first, but then Judd gets stuck it some mud, which Mean Farmer Brandon thinks is funny, and Bobby Jon cramps up so bad he can't move, but they still win the best campsite, amid some authentic Mayan ruins--not fake ones, the genuine article. A few minutes later, Lydia breezes into camp as the rest of her tribe struggle behind her, exhausted. "Lydia, you still have some spring in your step," Jeff accuses. Lydia is oblivious and happy just to be on Survivor. They then limp back to their canoe and take it to the other side of the lake, where there camp site is. No ruins, just trees and dirt.

CAMP LIFE

There don't appear to be water holes provided for the Survivors to, you know, keep them alive? Anyway, The Stephs all band together and everyone pulls there weight and a shelter is quickly built. Steph is thrilled, 'I'm finally on a tribe with as much heart and determination as....ME!" Cool it Steph, you're sounding a little conceited. I'm gonna assume that was more a swipe at the likes of Kim, Jeff and Mean Katie. Rafe is also moved by how well the tribe worked together. Holding back tears, he gushes, "It was great to see that Yaxua spirit come out in everybody--Yay US!" So, Rafe is shaping up to be like Rotu's Gabe in the Marquesas, only more gay. You remember Gabe, the guy who was more concerned with building a great society than he was in winning? I mean, I don't get even coining the phrase "Yaxua spirit" when you've only been this imaginary TV thing called Yaxua for like, 24 hours. Maybe it's the dehydration talking.

PYRRHIC VICTORY?

Speaking of dehydration, it's hitting the men of Bobby Jon HARD. All the guys except Brandon are puking up a storm. Then, Bobby Jon almost has a seizure, and his eyes roll back into his head, Bobby Jon, DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT! Nurse Margaret saves the day by massaging his muscles. "Palau was recess compared to Guatemala," Bobby Jon sound bites. Margaret marshals the other girls into providing first aid to the ailing men--it turns out that body fat has it's privileges. Cindy, a zoo keeper who looks like a blond Tina Fey, wonders if winning the best campsite was really worth it, if it turns out they can't win again because of the damage down to the tribe's health.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The tribes arrive at the Immunity Ruins, where Jeff unveils the Immunity Idol. Survivor has certainly revived the popularity of the graven image. The Amazon's Joanna would not be pleased. The Challenge has the teams taking a canoe around a buoy, then back to the beach, and then they attach their boat to a rope. The four strongest on the team then pull rope tug-of-war style while four others lay down logs in front of the boat for it to roll on top off. Then each team has one wimpy person who gets to run this torch up and light a bigger fire, signifying victory. For all their vomiting, the Bobby Jons keep it really close. But it's not enough. The Stephs win immunity, making tonight's Tribal Council the first Tribal Council that Steph doesn't have to go to in her entire Survivor experience. Yay! Plus, the Steph's get their flint.

TRIAGE VOTING

As they walk wearily back to camp, Jim tells his tribe that one of his arm muscles has torn. He says it happened when they were lifting the boat onto beach, "I thought everyone was lifting it, but I was lifting it by myself," he explains. I don't actually think this was an accusation, but Judd takes it that way, "Ay. I was lifting dat bad boy like I nevuh lifted anything in my LIFE," he warns. Settle down, Judd. Leave your fight face at home. Discussion about who to get rid of begins. Brandon says, "We might send off one of these crippled broke-down guys." Meaning, Jim, Bobby Jon or Blake, all of whom are laying about camp looking half-dead, but, as my friend Brian said as we watched, "Uh, how about the old guy with one arm?" Indeed. I must say, it's refreshing to have it be the pretty young BOYS who are all weak and pukey for a change.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff intones that they are standing in the north acropolis of the Mayan ruin. I honestly didn't know Mayan ruins could have an acropolis, I thought that word was specific to Greek architecture, but, what do I know about architecture? Jeff tells us,"This sacred site is where the Mayan leaders would decide the fate of their people, so it is indeed a fitting place for us to have our overly-dramatic TV show ceremony." Settle down Jeff, no one's getting their heart cut out in order to assure the cosmic balance. Then Jeff makes the mistake of mentioning Judd when discussing how the tribe's strong men have been laid low by vomiting. Judd looks miffed. And when I say miffed, I mean enraged. Bobby Jon apologizes for being human, and understands he might get sent home. Danni says that women very often have more endurance, even when men have more physical strength. Then she points out that the men carried the bulk of the supplies during the hike, so it makes sense that they'd be suffering more of the effects. This goes over well with Judd. Then Jeff asks Judd if he's worried about being seen as week and Judd splutters, "Not at all! I, I, this, I mean, I puked like once, man! And then I was over it, and I did what I had tuh do--ya want me to tuh do a back flip right now? I will Jeff, c'mon!" Settle Down, Judd. Puking on the first day will not get you voted out, but being the scary angry guy definitely will.

Jim, the old guy with one arm, is voted out in a landslide. I don't want to accuse him of pulling a "I hurt my ankle" like Jeff, but when he was explaining his story to Jeff, the tribe looked a little annoyed to me, especially Margaret. She almost seems bemused. Maybe that's why Jim mysteriously casts his lone vote for the MVP of the Bobby Jons, Nurse Margaret. Very odd. Maybe she told HIM to settle down or something, I really don't get it. Maybe he's a chauvinist. It just seems like, he should have voted for Blake or Bobby Jon because they were the only other real candidates to leave instead of him. After the vote, Jeff lectures, "I think your challenge is going to be how to give it your all, without destroying yourself in the process." Sounds like a self-help book in the making. Then we see a taped message from Jim's wife, as part of a new feature where we see the ousted Survivor's family. She says that she looks forward to their walks, and I get sad and wish I were married.

Jim is voted out in 18th place and joins a boy named Brook, who I really don't remember. He was one of the young dudes voted out by the old dudes in Vanuatu, when eventual winner Chris came thisclose to going home instead. And last season the not-forgettable Jolanda was ousted at 18 when she tried to inflict leadership onto U-Turn when they were determined to "do democracy." And we all know how well that turned out.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Since I ditched the poetry (it was becoming forced. Like, three seasons ago) I've decided to add a new feature to the review (take that, Survivor Family Moment), called the Random Loser Fact. Each week, I will tell you something about the evicted Survivor from their CBS bio, that I think is interesting.

Jim is building a jet-turbine sport helicopter in his spare time. Whoa. Sounds way harder than trying to keep up with a weekly blog.

Tonight: Um, if Blake doesn't DIE, I think the Bobby Jons will ditch Bobby Jon. He, as Martha Stewart might say, doesn't fit in. Or they might get rid of one of the girls I don't know yet. The Stephs will get rid of plucky Lydia.

Peace Out!

Christine :D

Survivor Season 10 FINALE--Finally!!

Told ya I'd do it :D

FINAL FOUR

Morning at Er-Ror. Katie is barely awake before she starts in on badmouthing Caryn, though she's secretly pleased that the jury knows that Ian betrayed her. Katie's a peach of a friend, eh? Ian knows his stock is down with the jury but HE'S secretly pleased that it lessens the chance that he'll be a target tonight. Suddenly, people want to be sitting next to him at the Final Two. The girls start shrieking as though they're being killed, but it's only to get the guys to help them move a cooler lade with champagne, fruit, juice and bread. Unlike some past seasons, Jeff doesn't show up to celebrate or gather any of the Final groups. He must have a kick-ass hotel room this year. Katie goes all Lex on us and comments that it was great to get to enjoy one another right before they all start slitting each other's throats. "It's gonna be somebody's last night on Rat Island," she cackles. Later, when Tom is off doing chores, Ian and the girls all agree that if Tom doesn't win immunity, it's time to off him. Ian tells us, "If I win, If I don't win, Tom is all of a sudden my best friend again." He doesn't give Jenn or Katie a chance, it would seem, of winning immunity. Which is either chauvinistic or logical, depending on how you feel about Ian, I guess.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

There once was a player named Tom
His odds for winning were never that long
He's so good at winning
and also at spinning
so trying to beat him seems wrong

Jeff shows everybody the yellow Chevy SSR that everyone has a chance of winning--if they are the Ultimate Survivor, that is. It's this new car that looks kinda like a street rod--total guy car. And not nearly as cool as Ian's cursed 'vette. The challenge involves untying knots and climbing a tower and using a grappling hook to get some keys--total guy challenge. ALthough Jenn does give it a good try until she's undone by the grappling hook. Katie, of course, totally sucks. I think Scout and Jan would've both kicked her butt, and they have fake hips. Anyway, in the Final challenge, involving trying various combinations of numbers in order to open a combination lock, Tom wins, and everyone pretends to be happy for him.

IAN MAKES YET ANOTHER MISTAKE

Back at camp, Ian is one happy camper, because he knows Jenn is going home. Tom tells Jenn straight up that he has a Final Two deal with Ian and he can't go back on that. Jenn is very understanding--I guess because she found out about the Tom, Katie and Ian alliance and always felt a little doomed. Everyone hugs her and says their good byes--it's all very civil. Tom pats himself on the back for being a man of his word, safe in his blanket of semantics and insincerity. That night, Katie frets that nobody will see her as being worthy of the Final Two--but coattail riders have won before, and it's just as legitimate a way to get in as being good at stuff. Coattail riders stick around because everyone wants to be up against them in the Final Two. Then when they get voted out, they're suddenly purists about who "deserves" to still be standing in a popularity contest. Then Tom worries that Ian's too likeable, "My being such a good and noble and true friend might a' cost me a million dollahs, but I'm a man, so I'll live with it," he sighs. Whatever dude. Then Ian sticks his foot in his mouth, as usual, tripping himself over his own honesty. He tells Tom casually, "If I'd won today, it would have been a difficult decision, so I'm glad you won, and that you're such a tool. I'm mean fool. I mean...great guy." Tom's a little put out by this, because he thought they were rock solid. Scratch that, Tom's in full blown crazy mode. He seeks out Jenn and asks her what's up and she's not an idiot, she lays it on thick, "Gee, sorry you didn't know--and what a TERRIBLE way to find out, but yeah, that was the deal, if you lost today--sorry, but we were all three in agreement that you had to go." Then they go a'confrontin' Ian, who did not get the license number for the Chevy SSR that just hit him. Ian claims that while he did SAY he was gonna vote out Tom, he didn't mean it. It was just "game talk" or in other words, lies. We know this is a lie because Ian told us he did indeed plan on voting out Tom. Tom growls, "That's all I needed to know." Duhn duhn DUHN.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff chastises the Final Four for being really late to Tribal Council, "I hope you brought some good drama," he insists. So, Tom gives everybody the recap, "I wasn't worried at duh challenge today because I knew that Ian and I were a team against the girls and the girls suck so I didn't even have to win today--but I did, of course, but I didn't have to or so I thought because Ian and I made a promise to one another on day two and now I find out that if he'd lost, he was gonna vote me out." The jury--all too familiar with Tom's varying levels of commitments--his real promises, and his "promises to try"---aren't terribly sympathetic to his feelings of betrayal, but they do look entertained. Jeff asks Ian for his sign, and he's very sputtery and defensive and not at all convincing. He's a terrible liar, but he keeps at it. He insists he was "just talking" to the girls, that it meant nothing, and he says that he and Tom had an agreement that they would "try" to take one another to the Final Two. He doesn't mean anything by this, but Tom gets very upset, "We didn't say we would TRY--that's the same b.s. thing i said to Caryn and Steph when I was suckering them into believing in me--we said we WOULD. We'd bring each other and we'd fight it out MAN TO MAN." Ian gets even more whiny, and accuses Jenn of being desperate and probably insincere--the same thing he tried to do to Caryn at the last Tribal Council--and he insists he was never going to turn on Tom. Jeff asks Katie why she seems upset and she huffs, "Well, last Tribal Council was all about me and no one's talked about ME all night." She tells Ian she isn't necessarily going to vote for him, she just needs to know if he's lied to her within the last 24 hours. Now, this includes the conversation in the hut when Ian told her and Jenn he would vote Tom out if he lost. Ian takes WAAAAAY to long to answer this question--confirming he's done some lying at some point by rolling his eyes back and doing the math, "Uh...24 hours...uh...NO." Katie is satisfied by this--meaning she knows he's lying now, and they go to vote. It is a tie. Ian and Katie vote out Jenn, while Tom and Jenn vote out Ian. Jeff tells them that only Tom and Katie will vote next, and if the vote remains deadlocked, they will move on to a tie-breaker. The second vote is still a tie! Because there are only four players, they don't draw rocks--I can't remember why, but this is what they did wrong in Marquesas. There were four left, and Pappy went out. I don't know why you can draw rocks at every number but four, but Jeff says so. This time, Jenn and Ian will take part in a fire-making challenge. Steph smiles because this is how she beat Bobby Jon. Ian smiles because he's probably started numerous fires at camp and Jenn's probably started exactly none. Just a guess. Ian does indeed win easily as the jury scowls and Jenn is out in a very exciting double-tie Tribal Council.

Jenn is eliminated in 4th place, where we lost Stoopid Soo who never spelled anyone's name right, Elisabeth before she was on "The View", Big Tom, Pappy--who like Jenn, lost a tie breaker, Helen who never saw it coming, Principal Butch who probably burned down the camp, Darrah the crackerjack shootist, and whiny Eliza.

IANLOO

Back at camp, Ian keeps insisting to Tom that he had no intention of trying to win Survivor--he was never going to vote out Tom. Tom keeps berating him, and Katie joins in, reminding Ian that Tom has never wavered in his loyalty to Ian and telling Ian he should just admit the truth. Ian is in a no-win situation, and he knows it, but he's already admitted to plotting against Tom--he just hasn't admitted that he meant it when he did it. "We're playing a GAME," he tries to remind them, but Tom huffs, "We thought we wuh playin' a game togethuh." Tom bullies and berates Ian and then goes to bed. Ian stays up all night staring at the fire. By morning he's made some tearful epiphanies, "I didn't come out here to play the villain," he sniffles, before he and Katie and Tom head out for the traditionally awkward time-killing "tribute to the fallen," where the remaining contestants have to act like the eliminated Survivors are dead and honor them in a hokey ceremony, while in voiceover the losers insist that they are the real winners because they stayed true to who they are and found out what they were made of, blah blah blah. Katie naturally mocks her many enemies, as the trio "buries their torches at sea." Because getting voted off a TV show is sort of comparable to dying in combat--like many Americans did on around Palau during World War II. Um. Yeeeaah.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

Ian was feeling real bad
about Katie and Tom being mad
so he got off the pole
to save his own soul
good for him, but it still makes me sad

The last immunity is a test of will, as all three contestants must stand barefoot on a small disc on a pole on a buoy in the ocean, and last one standing wins. Three friends brought together and torn apart by the same CBS game show. Katie is naturally first to quit, but I was pretty dang impressed because she stood out there for FIVE HOURS. I mean, that's impressive, even if she does think she stands a great chance of being brought along to the Final Two, considering the rift between Ian and Tom. About 8 or 9 hours in, Jeff remarks at the fact that no one has said anything for 4 or 5 hours, and no one has tried to broker a deal. Tom and Ian both joke at being interested in pizza or fries that Jeff might try to entice them down with, and then Tom gets serious. He tells Ian that if he wins, he'll take Katie but if Ian quits he'll take him. He's clearly not worried about either of them beating him, and he continues to show his inner-bully with taunts like, "You really think you can beat me at Tribal Council? With your persuasive language skills?" Ian keeps repositioning himself on his pole, symbolizing his inner torment, as he calls out in the darkness, "I'm not going out on your terms." It's all very Luke on the weather vane with Darth Vader in "The Empire Strikes Back." After 12 grueling hours, Ian announces he has a solution. He will give up his shot at the million dollars in order to win back Tom's friendship and, more importantly, in order to feel true to himself. So he tells Tom he'll step off the pole, if Tom promises to take Katie into the Final Two. Tom takes the deal, and Ian eliminates himself from Survivor: Palau. He was just to sensitive to win, I guess. Remember, he offered to quit the game to prove his loyalty to Katie in the previous episode, so dolphin boy clearly has some issues.

Jeff asks Tom if this extreme move will redeem Ian, and Tom says, "Well, Ian would have my friendship anyway--but he wins my RESPECT back by paying me a million dollars, and it's a small price to pay for the respect of a noble firefighter, such as myself." Then Tom jokes that he was about to fall off the pole anyway, and Ian pushes him into the water. Because it's so late, Jeff decides to hold an impromptu Tribal Council right there on the dock, and Tom asks Ian if he really wants to be held to the deal--which is interesting, because it seemed obvious that Tom would have taken Ian if Ian had told him he regretted his decision, I guess because Tom had made him the earlier deal that if he quit, Tom would take him. Plus, Tom knows he could beat Ian almost as easily as Katie, since Ian has the clouds of lies and suspicions around him, and Tom is older and a father and let us never forget--a fireman. Oh Ian. I respect your personal decision to regain your soul, since you're the only won who can judge what you're willing to do for a million dollars, but Tom played you, and I hope his alleged friendship will still feel worth all this a few years down the line.

Ian leaves the game in third place. The third place finisher is either that person you think you can't beat, or the person you don't by any means want to get the money should you lose. Rudy the cranky ex-Navy Seal, Keith the pompous chef, Lex the raving madman, Krazy Kath who I still love to death, Wacky Jan with her baby animal graveyard, witty Rob who irritated me but then won me over, evil Jonny Fairplay and the serene and sapphic Scout were all eliminated in third place, and they're all pretty memorable. You probably wouldn't want to be stuck in an elevator with them, though.

Then we get what's become a bizarre tradition on Survivor: the were the Final two bonfire. Not every Final Two has done it, but most of them have. I guess when you don't have TV, you need to burn stuff to pass the time, and to avoid talking to one another about what you're going to say to run the other person down at Tribal. Anyway, Katie is indeed plotting to reveal Tom's "dark side," while Tom pretends to think Katie has a ghost of a chance by reminding us, "Katie's so likeable, and I've won so many rewards and immunities and been the meal provider and been their team captain and their father figure for so long, they might just be sick and tired of me." Uh huh.

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL

I always wish Jeff could take part in the Final Tribal Council, because I think he asks better questions. Tom's opening statement is vintage "humble Tom," as he thanks everyone for the great time he had, he touts his hard work and his game play and reminds everyone that he never had a nasty word for anyone, which a nice and subtle jab at Katie, and the closest he'll come to a direct attack on his opponent. Tom is crafty, and he knows he that the million dollars is his to lose. Because most of the jury isn't going to want to admit they were outplayed by Katie, even though technically, they were. Katie starts on the defensive, saying she knows she's not Tom, she got here by forming an alliance, she hopes she didn't hurt anyone, and she got here by playing the only cards she had--her sense of humor, among them. I think Katie should have performed a sock puppet show as a demonstration, but unfortunately for her, she sticks to plain old words, and they're not enough...

Coby is first, and he doesn't ask any questions, because this is Coby Time, thank you very much. He tells Katie that he has no respect for her, that she sat out of most of the challenges, never worked around camp, wasn't nice to anyone outside of her alliance and all she did was ride the coattails of those who did play the game and if he does vote for her, it will be a vote against Tom, not a vote in her favor. Then he turns on Tom, telling him he played as dirty a game as Ian did. Coby says he's going to vote on whomever is the most truthful tonight. Tom looks outraged at the mere IDEA that he's a shifty a character as his "good friend" Ian, and Katie looks devastated. SHe lost any chance she had for winning right here, because she never saw this coming. She really doesn't think she's as mean and off putting as she is and she wasn't prepared for this and she never recovers. She stops fighting for herself. She never mentions, for instance, that she stood by Ian at the last Tribal Council, despite how easy it would have been to turn on him. She never mentions what a bully Tom was to her and to others. She never says something along the lines of, 'Tom thinks he's better than all of you, I don't." which would have struck a cord, I think. Anyway...

Gregg calls Tom on the fact that Tom told him that anyone who broke the Final Five alliance would pay for it in the end, and asks for an explanation. Tom blames Ian, claiming Ian misled him and he apologizes to Gregg. Oy! Then Gregg calls Katie worthless and insignificant and wonders how she can say being pathetic was her plan to win--not to get to the Final Two, but to win. Katie gets emotional and makes one valid point, that not everyone has an "athlete" card to play, but like many a mean person, she can dish it out, but she can't take it, and she starts blubbering, "I never would have called you pathetic, Gregg. Janu, sure. Caryn, maybe, but never YOU, Gregg."

Steph calls Tom on his claim to her that he would fight to keep her in the game, and she asks for specific instances when he did. He tells her he went as far as he could without betraying his original alliance of five--meaning he gladly threw over Coby. He doesn't cop to the fact that he was going to oust her in favor of freaking Janu until she quit, nor does he remind her that he only actually promised to "try." Crafty, crafty crafty. Steph gives Katie a chance to fight for herself, asking her why she should vote for Katie and not Tom, and Katie tells her that Tom told her before the not-merge that whether it was Bobby Jon or Steph, they needed to get rid of that person right away. I don't know if this happened, but Tom's defense is, "Why would I want to get rid of you? You were my ace in the hole!" Which is again how Tom sees everything. What's good for Tom is good, what's bad for Tom is bad. Steph was useful to him, and had she won immunity, he would have kept pretending she had a chance until she didn't have immunity, and then he would have thrown her over. Just admit you misled her, Tom.

Janu asks Tom, "Tom you are a GREAT man. How hard was it for someone as GREAT as you to compromise your integrity?" Tom answers, "Well, this is a game, and yeah, I misled and I misdirected a little--I'll never own up to the specifics, if ya don't mind, even though I told Ian he wasn't a man when he wouldn't own up tuh what he did. But the key is, I draw lines in my own mind and I define for myself what constitutes crossing those lines, so derefoh, I nevuh cross them." How very Bill Clinton. Janu asks Katie to giver her three positive adjectives to describe herself, and three negative adjectives to describer herself and Katie sighs, "You know what Janu, I don't really expect your vote so I'm just not gonna answer your question because I don't feel like it." Janu at first pretends she hasn't decided how she's gonna vote and really needs Katie's answer but then shrugs and says whatever and goes back to the jury.

Caryn asks Tom whether they were ever really friends, or if she was just some pawn in his game. He admits he thought a lot of what she told him wasn't true, and he again blames Ian for this. But he doesn't directly answer whether or not they're friends he actually says, "I'm not gonna answer that--I'm gonna let you find the ansuh...in your own heart." Good gravy. Then Caryn takes her shot at lacing into Katie, telling her she was phony and cruel to everyone but Tom and Ian, she was lazy, mean and unkind AND she betrayed Caryn, so she wants one reason why she should vote for her and Katie snaps, "Because I got here by making an alliance and that's what this game is about. This game is about making alliances and that's why you're sitting over there, because YOU didn't make one." And that grenade she just lobbed at Caryn also hits everyone else on the jury. Caryn shakes her head in disgust, "I got it, Katie."

Jenn goes fishing for a compliment, and while she gently chides Tom for being a chauvinist, she's really just asking for validation from Poppa Tom. She wants to know if he respected her game at all, and he says, "Sweetie, I couldn't see your game at first but that's because you wuh such a clever little girl and you hid it from me! So I didn't have any reason to respect you at all until the night you came tuh me and told me what Ian was saying behind my back and then when you demanded, like a hellcat, that we confront Ian right that second--you go girl. Of course I respect ya, honey." And Jenn giggles and blushes and swallows every word of it--even thou he just told her he didn't respect her until a few hours before she was voted out, and he misrepresents what happened that night--HE sought HER out and demanded to know what Ian had been saying, and he was the one who said, let's go talk to Ian right now. But flattery will get you a vote in Survivor, and Jenn likes Tom's version better because it makes her look smart. Then she tries to get Katie to stand up for herself and stop being a sullen, snarky, defeated lump and Katie refuses.

Ian asks each of them to say why they shouldn't win, and Tom says, "Aw, shucks, because I've had so much fun playing in the jungle, climbing trees and hunting for shahks and hanging our with all of you fine people--I've already been compensated." Awwww. Katie sniffs, "Uh, I guess because I'm allegedly "unkind" and "cruel." But I'm FUNNY, damn it, I don't care what the hell the rest of you say!"

The closing arguments are more of the same stuff they've been saying, nothing new. There is no dramatic shuttling of the votes from the game to the studio in New York. No Jeff on a jet-ski, no Jeff on a motorcycle. CBS must not have wanted to pay a writer--oh, ahem, I'm sorry. They didn't want to pay a SEGMENT PRODUCER, wink wink, to come up with anything cute or clever. Of course, Tom wins in a landslide. Katie receives only one vote--Coby's, who asked for honesty and only heard it from Katie.

Katie is the runner-up, winning a not-too-shabby 100 Grand. Other second place finishers: Kelly and Colby, who both coulda maybe shoulda won (though, would Survivor had taken off the way it did had the evil Hatch not won? Just asking.) Also Old Kim who stayed true to her alliance and then won final immunity in a stunner, Neleh who played a pretty good game, Clay who I still hate, Weird Sir Matt, Lill who I still hate, and Twila who got flamed almost as bad as Katie did when it came to the Final Tribal Council. Almost.

Tom is the latest ultimate Survivor, and he deserves it. He outplayed everyone--emphasis on PLAYED. He won almost every challenge he took part in, he provided, and he's probably a pretty decent guy in real life. I just wish he'd own up to being a little shifty during the game, that's all :) He joins the admittedly evil Richard Hatch, crafty Tina, noble and good Ethan, whom I named my last goldfish after, lucky Vecepia, sleazy Brain, surprisingly savvy Jenna, mouthy Sandra, and last season's Chris...who I'm kinda ambivalent about.

The reunion is kinda disappointing. When Tom gives one of his classic sink and dodge responses to why he won (I played the game, I was Tom, I was really me), Jeff calls him on his ability to talk a lot and say nothing and everyone laughs, but that's it. Ian feels good about his decision, but neither he nor Jeff discuss how Tom blamed him for his turning on Gregg--even though now that they've all watched the show, they all know that Ian was right--they were gonna go after Caryn, then Tom, then Ian. In fact, Jeff doesn't ask anybody about how they felt watching the show, which I always enjoy (like last year when Julie said that after watching the show she was a big Twila fan, and didn't like Chris very much). Then Jeff makes sure that America understands that he didn't talk Janu out of quitting and that he didn't step in and effect the outcome of the game AT ALL, though we all know he totally did. But it helped Steph, so I don't care :p Then Jeff points out that 7 out of 10 Survivor winners have been over 30 years old (the exceptions: Ethan, Rich Jenna and Amber). The whole reunion focuses on how life-changing Survivor is, and how positive it is, like they're trying to compete with Extreme Makeover, Home Edition, or whatever. And it continues to bug me that we don't ever get to see the winner get the million dollars because they keep trying to force us to watch the CBS Early Show, and I ain't doing it. We do get another great Bobby Jon inspirational quote, "I wear my winning hat like a man, I wear my losing hat like a man." Oh, Bobby Jon, I heart you. Goodbye Survivor: Palau! All in all, it was a very good year.

Peace! :D

Christine

Survivor 10.13 "I'll do my damndest not to be stupid again."

PLOTS AND PLANS

Night at Er-Ror. The rats are feasting on coconuts which have been carelessly tossed aside near the camp, even though they are still full of meat, symbolizing arrogance and waste. Jenn is in shock, "Gregg was a big part of my existence out here, and I can't believe I'm gonna have to use a damn BLANKET to keep warm now!" Though she is reeling from the night's events, Jenn plays it cool with her tribe and claims to understand perfectly. Ian is impressed with what a "smooth operator" she is, and reveals that he's still afraid of a woman's alliance emerging. Which is ironic, because a woman's alliance DOES almost form and it's all because of Ian being a complete moron. But more on that later.

The next morning, Tom tells Caryn that he wants her to stay and make it to the Final Three with him and Ian. Note how shifty Tom always makes it seem like he has no power to bring about his desires--he's LIKE Caryn to stay, but of course, it's dependent on what everyone else does. Caryn is skeptical, but Tom tells Caryn she deserves to take Katie's spot, since Katie "wavered." Caryn thinks that Ian will want to stick with Katie. Then Tom tries to manipulate Caryn by telling her that joining a woman's alliance would be a really stupid idea, and wouldn't help her at all. He claims that Jenn and Katie will throw her over at number three if she goes with them, even though he's only fake-Tom-promised her number three, so what the heck is the difference. Caryn admits to us that she's not sure whether TOm's playing her or not but she's guardedly optimistic about her chances. Poor Caryn...

Back at the shelter, Katie is lobbying Ian to oust Caryn next, which Ian's open to. Jenn is incredulous that Ian refuses to go after Tom. "I hate going back on my word," Ian sighs, laying his cards on the table for everyone to see. Jenn's all, "Screw your word, it's for a MILLION DOLLARS!" Ian continues to sigh in the hammock.

REWARD LIMERICK

If you really want to go far
you shouldn't win that darn car
It sure is a prize
but the facts don't tell lies
you'll never be the ultimate survivor

Tom and Ian strategize on the way back with tree mail. They are still very worried about the possibility of the girls banding together to form a women's alliance. Tom wants them to take Caryn to the end because she's more loyal to him than she is to Ian. Ian wants them to take Katie to the end because she's more loyal to him than she is to Tom. THey make the very wise decision to NOT take one another should reward involve being taken away from the rest of the tribe--that way, they can maintain control of the women. It's interesting to me that for the talk men do about how women manipulate them with their wiles or what have you, in Survivor, it's always been strong men who've manipulated women into doing their bidding. Last season, I was irritated at Ami's insistence that an all-woman alliance was somehow a moral victory for all women. That's just not true. Survivor is an individual game, and it's silly to think about "the sisterhood," to the exclusion of your own interests. But I do find myself rooting for women to rise up against the men, even when the men are basically good guys, like Ian and Tom, when the men are so confident in their ability to handle them. This is what made Sandra, Darrah and Lil's victory over Burton and Johnny Fairplay so satisfying--the fact that the boys didn't think they'd do it. Tom and Ian are very aware that the women might throw them over--which makes Ian's next move...very odd...

CORVETTE BUMMER

It is time for the Car reward--which usually does come around this point, with 5 people left in the game. Previous Car winners: Colby (2nd), Lex (3rd), Sean (5th), Ted (5th), Matt (2nd), Burton (13th and 5th), Boston Rob (2nd) and Eliza (4th). Eliza was the first (and so far only) woman to win a car on her own. Amber gained a car by virtue of being chosen by Chachi to go with him to his reward feast, and AMber gifted one to Shii Ann. But I don't count those. This time around, it ain't no lame Pontiac Aztec, nor is it some sort of rugged truck. It's a little red corvette, and it is truly sweet. The challenge involves going back and forth on a raft to collect mileage markers, the ones in the M*A*S*H sign, and then once you've collected all of them, you have to correctly order them in terms of how far away they are from Palau. It's kind of tedious to watch, and Ian easily wins the corvette and a cool BBQ at a swanky mansion with "the best view of Palau." Ian is naturally allowed a guest and Katie is grinning from ear to ear--they had a deal, after all, that they'd take one another on any reward--and Ian decides to bring...Tom. Even Tom is shocked by this--he doesn't seem remotely happy, he has that same look on his face that he did when Ian said to Gregg that Tribal Council was going to be interesting. The whole thing is very weird. At the BBQ, Ian basically says that this is payback to Katie for eliminating him from the yacht reward challenge. He also reveals that this is the first car he's ever owned. And then Tom says, "Well, bettuh hope that we can bring Katie back into the fold, because it's our only play." Tom is such a drama queen, I swear. No, you can get Caryn to vote however you want or you can get Jenn to vote however you want, you have plenty of plays.

GIRL TALK

Speaking of drama queens, Katie is having a telenovela-worthy meltdown over Ian's "betrayal," as she sobs, "I feel like I lost my best friend out here!" She confides to Caryn that she and Ian have had a Final Two pact from the very beginning, and then she tells Caryn to come clean about her deal with Tom. Caryn says she doesn't have a deal because Tom has promised her Final Two but he's also told her about his long time Final Three deal with Ian and Katie--this is all news to a very interested Jenn, who is just shocked when Katie confirms that she has been in cahoots with the boys since day one. Jenn explains, "I had no way of knowing that Katie was in an alliance with Tom or Ian because she wasn't making out with either of them." Katie insists, "We had our chance to have an all woman alliance when Steph was here and we didn't take it, Caryn, but know that Ian has been so stupid as to BETRAY me, I say we have to do the girl power thing." Caryn is conflicted because she feels she may have a better shot going with Tom because she thinks he's being honest with her about taking her to the Final Two instead of Ian, which we know he's not, but she tentatively agrees to it. Until...

IAN MAKES ANOTHER MISTAKE

Caryn goes straight to Tom and Ian, and demands that Ian tell her straight up if she's really going to be in a final three with him and Tom. Tom tries to answer for Ian and Caryn barks, "Let the WITNESS, answer the question, counselor." Ian's answer goes something like this, "Uh, um, er, um uh, well, um, uh, it's me and you and Katie--I mean no, you me and...well here's the thing, I'm not gonna decide until tonight." Now, Caryn is no fool, and she knows that in Survivor parlance, "I don't know how I'm gonna vote yet" means "I'm gonna vote for you." Period. Then Tom tries to bully Caryn, "What brought this on? We told just told you our game plan, now tell us what's going on!" Caryn doesn't fall for it, "Wha?? He didn't tell me anything!" Caryn stomps off, and Tom glowers at Ian, "You just gave away her vote. You just screwed up." Tom hopes that Ian really is tight with Katie, or the girls are gonna gang up.

AS THE GAME TURNS

Ian asks to talk to Katie in private and she refuses. Then she goes off to wash clothes with the girls so she can complain about what a bastard Ian is being to her--I swear, Jenn and Caryn look skeptical and bored. "It was a reward challenge for DINNER!" he whines. Then he bitches to Tom that this "is like girl troubles back home." This explains why Ian works with animals and not people and why he doesn't have a girlfriend. Girls don't like being blown off, especially publicly. Ian dissed Katie and he did it on purpose and he knows it. Suck it up and apologize, dude.

Katie finally DOES agree to talk to Ian. He tries to remind her that she turned her back on him during the last reward challenge, but she doesn't buy it--she didn't win reward, and wasn't part of the decision to exclude him (she DID plot against him, but whatever). Ian swears on a religious medallion (St. Christopher's?) that it's still him and Katie in the Final Two. Katie revisits her "I lost my best friend" speech from earlier, and adds some extra chest-beating, and both of them start sobbing--it was AWESOME reality TV. Katie declares, "You promised me you'd never lie and you did and I can't believe anything you say!" Ian blames it on his being scatterbrained and reasons, "Sometimes friends make huge mistakes." He then (foreshadowing what's to come in the finale) offers to quit the game to prove his friendship and loyalty to her. I'm now beginning to think Ian's "girl troubles back home" might include stalking. Then he finally gives her the apology she'd been fishing--trawling for--"I'm off my rocker in so many different ways, and I'm sorry." Katie softens, they hug, and Ian vows, "I'll do my damndest not to be stupid again." It is a promise he won't keep.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

The question is practically mute
who will make off with the loot
Tom's outwitted you all
and you'll each take a fall
cuz you couldn't give Tommy the boot

Tom and Caryn get the tree mail and Tom keeps trying to interrogate her about who first brought up the women's alliance, who first DARED to play the game the same way he's playing it, and Caryn's tired of it and keeps saying "I don't remember." Then he gets Katie alone and tries to bully her into rejoining the fold, claiming that if either he or Ian is booted, the survivor will get rid of her next. He's probably wrong about Ian avenging his ouster, but it's unclear if he really knows how tight Ian and Katie are. Katie puts it best when she scowls, "Tom sucks today. He's being mean." Tom then tries to convince Ian that Katie is playing him like a violin and that Ian has to threaten him. Ian isn't crazy about Tom's strong-arm tactics, and considers targeting Tom, "It's gone from domination to self-preservation. It's Survivor, not Parcheesi." But Immunity is determined by a crazy obstacle course/puzzle thing (AGAIN) and Tom wins again. Afterwards he tries to be all winning and charming, "I got lucky," he shrugs. Dude, save your fake modesty for the jury.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is let in, and Jeff starts things off by reopening the Corvette Bummer wounds. Katie obligingly performs and opera about her "darkest day" on the island, and Ian looks like he wishes he were dead and then gives a less teary version of his mea culpa speech from before. And then Caryn UNLOADS. It may not have helped her win the game, but I bet it felt really good--I love it when people stop hedging their bets and just BRING IT, and Caryn BRINGS IT! :D She tells everyone's business (to the delight of the jury), she comes clean about what happened between her and Tom and Ian on yacht day and about how she feels "had" by the boys, now that she knows about their preexisting bond with Katie. Then Ian defends himself by claiming that he never had any intention of voting out Katie--or Jenn, which can't be true in Jenn's case because of his alliances with Tom and Katie, and also, it only confirms the fact that Caryn has been totally used. Then Tom tries to insist that they were never going to sell out Katie, and she shoots back, "Tom, you are such a liar." :D She reminds them that they waited until right before TC to tell Katie, because they didn't trust her not to warn Gregg. Tom snarls, "Katie knows when it was." And Katie says that it WAS just before then Jeff calls Ian on the fact that he claims he's always trusted Katie, but clearly he didn't and then Katie goes on record at being mad about being told to vote out Gregg, rather than being asked whether she would or not.

None of this changes the status quo, and Caryn goes down in a hail of votes. I don't think her speech did her in, I think she knew which way the wind was blowing and tried to remind the girls how duplicitous and manipulative and heavy-handed the boys have been, but Katie and Jenn are still willing to play slaughter-bound sheep to their manly shepherds--you get what you deserve, ladies. Ian is especially childish when he casts his votes, I think because Caryn is calling him on the fact that he's not being a good guy, and he sees himself as a good guy. The cracks we saw in this episode are eventually going to implode his game in the Finale. The jury shakes it heads at Caryn's ouster--I think they were rooting for the girls to take out Ian.

Caryn finishes in 5th place--always an emotional spot. The fifth place finisher usually (not always but usually) has believed for a large part of the game that they were going to be in the final 2 or 3. Like Dr. Sean, one of Richard Hatch's many suckers (though not on that list--the IRS). Kindly Rodger and sweet T-Bird knew the score, but Sean, Ted, Heidi, Burton, Julie and now Caryn all left the game in 5th place, feeling duped, ripped off and mad as all get out. I give Caryn props for going out on her own terms, and calling the boys on all their bullhonkey. Being shady is part of the game--but freakin' own up to it.

Peace! :D

Christine

Survivor 10.12 "I know they're ready to turn on you. I know it for a fact."

STEPH'S LEFT

Morning at Er-Ror. I suppose it's silly of me to still be calling them Er-Ror, considering their success. A storm is blowing in, leaving the remaining six contestants huddled in their shelter, pretending to feel bad about getting rid of Steph. Steph is gone, meaning U-Turn has at long last been put out of it's misery and the winningest tribe in Survivor history, Er-Ror, stands strong. Well, sorta. Tom is feeling paranoid as he frets "If I was playing against me, I'd want me outta here too." He reminds Gregg, Ian, Katie and Jenn that they all promised to be a strong 5 to the end, because he's really big on the whole live-up to your word concept, at least as it applies to those stupid enough to actually give it. Then he continues to play Caryn, "I'm trying to figyuh how I can keep you here," which isn't really true, which he pretty much admits in the next breath when he tells Caryn that she needs to save herself. Caryn insists it makes the most sense to get rid of athletic and affable Gregg, splitting up Gregg and Jenn in the process, but Tom says he can't turn on his alliance of five. "But you turned on Steph, Caryn reminds him. Tom sighs heavily, "I didn't promise I'd help Steph, I promised I'd TRY to help Steph. Try and keep up, Caryn." Caryn knows she needs a miracle to stay in the game.

REWARD LIMERICK

around this time on every season
and for the exact very same reason
the challenge is such
that you reveal way to much
and someone is left thinking, "treason!"

Yes, it's the old "you get to eliminate somebody" game aka "Let's reveal our pecking order, shall we?" The most famous "pecking order reveal" occurred in 4th season, when the Smuggly alliance of the General, Tammikins, Zoe and Johnny Pots and Pans revealed to Neleh and Pappy (only one of those names is a moniker I made up, btw) that they were 5th and 6th on the totem poll, prompting Neleh and Pappy to flip allegiances and side with Kath, Sean and eventual winner Vecepia. That was the most dramatic one, but every season the game causes interesting ripples and reactions.

Before the challenge, everyone discusses who they would take with them if it's a shared reward of some kind, and Ian reminds everyone that he and Katie are totally BFF and nothing will ever come between them and if one of them wins, the other will too. THe challenge combines the "Test of Local Knowledge" with the "Eliminate Somebody" games. The reward is a night on a luxurious yacht. Strategy-wise, everyone at first targets odd-gal out Caryn, except for Tom, who wisely tries to divide hits equally amongst the group, even knocking Ian down a peg. When Caryn targets Katie, Katie says, "Surprise, surprise, surprise," in her best Gomer Pyle voice--oh that Katie, she's such a card. Caryn is knocked out first, followed by Tom. Tom isn't threatened by this, but he should be. Then Gregg offers to save Katie if she returns the favor, and she does, purposely eliminating her bestest pal, Ian. Ian makes a show of being amused, but he's actually pretty hurt. Then, Gregg is forced to choose between his snuggle-buddy Jenn and Katie, who he just made a deal with. He asks Jenn for permission to honor his commitment to Katie, and everyone taunts Gregg for being whipped, so he decides to honor his FIRST promise, which was to Jenn (pillow talk, I suppose) and he sells Katie out. Gregg wins reward on the Final question and even though Jenn is the obvious choice, Katie and Ian both seem to want a rose from King Gregg (the grown-ups, Tom and Caryn, do not partake in any of this foolishness). Gregg takes Jenn and then Jeff lets him take one more person and he takes Katie, which again, seems to wound Ian. Gregg blandly apologizes to those left behind and then blandly promise to "pay them back." "Oh no, we'll pay YOU back," Tom jokes, still unaware that his early exit form the game was more than just coincidental. Fortunately for him, Ian is paying attention.

CARYN'S MIRACLE

Tom is not the least bit concerned with losing the reward, "Well, it's a good thing I didn't come here to spend a night on a yacht," he shrugs. But Ian is VERY concerned and he gathers Caryn into a pow wow about changing the dynamic of the game--before it's too late. Ian was struck by Katie's decision to side with Gregg instead of him, "If she'll throw me over for a yacht, c'mon, we've lost control of this game. We're not making the decisions--Gregg and Jenn are." If that sounds familiar, I said it in my review of episode 10, look it up :) Tom would rather remain in denial, insisting, "Eh, it's just one challenge." Ian insists that Katie is now with Gregg and Jenn and they are plotting to vote out the non-yachters. Caryn points to herself and then surmises, "Me, Tom, you." Ian agrees that is indeed the order. Ian tries to impress upon Tom that they must act, "I know they're ready to turn on you. I know it for a fact." He doesn't go into detail, but remember, we saw that he was privy to the "Let's get Tom" rumblings after Tom's bizarre speech last week and Katie told him she wanted to get rid of Tom before they got rid of Steph even before THAT. Tom is reeling because he really did trust Katie and now he has to admit (to himself, anyway) that Caryn has been right all along, and she's more trustworthy than Katie.

All three agree that Gregg is a hard-worker and a nice guy who could easily win the million dollars. The problem is, the best they can do is force a tie. And in the event of an unbreakable tie, everyone reaches into a back and the person with the wrong color rock is out (which has only happened once, when Paschal aka Pappy left the game in 4th place in the Marquesas). I'm not actually sure (yes, there are things about Survivor that even I don't know) if it would be everyone in the game, or just those who got votes against them, or if those who GOT votes would become immune and only those that didn't would pick rocks. All three scenarios seem familiar to me, and like I said, it only happened once, in Marquesas, and they did it wrong, and I've never understood that either, but Jeff Probst said in an interview that they messed up that Tribal Council rock thing. At any rate, Ian declares that he's willing to risk it, and Tom agrees that they have no choice--now is the time to make a bold move and let the chips fall where they may. If they don't fight to stay in the game now, they'll just wind up leaving in the next week or two anyway. Then they pat each other on the back for being so clever and so risk-taking, which is fine because so few Survivors a) recognize when they're in trouble and b) do something about it. My favorite moments in Survivor history are these types of lightening bulb moments, where people don't just shrug and say, "Well, I get this weird feeling about my alliance, and well, even though I don't trust anybody, I just have to trust them!" Think Scout and Twila getting Eliza to switch to their side right before Ami and Leann cut her loose. Anyway, the three all agree that the key to the plan is to pretend that Tom and Ian are onboard with ousting Caryn, and that means Caryn has to pretend to be sour and kind of a downer--you know, like she usually is, only pretend. Caryn says, "Can I lie? Can I put on a performance? Are you kidding me, I'm a LAWYER."

CRUISE OF DECEPTION

Meanwhile, the lucky ducks on the yacht are at first to busy to discuss betraying Tom because they're surprised by loved ones. Gregg is surprised by his best friend, also named Greg while he's getting a massage. Then, when they gang is, in true starved Survivor style, rhapsodizing about how amazing SALAD is, Jenn's sister and Katie's brother-in-law arrive. Much hugging and crying ensues. Then they all get to swim with the dolphins (which is what Ian does for a living, so I guess he didn't miss out on too much) and Jenn gets emotional about sharing the once-in-a-lifetime experience (unless you're Ian) with her sister. Then they finally get down to plotting, and it turns out that Ian's fears were indeed correct, as the three vow to be the most boring Final 3 since...well, Rob and Amber and Poor Jenna in All-Stars. Okay, so it wasn't that long ago. Anyway, Mean Katie is worried because she's actually made Final three promises to Tom and Ian so she's the only one who'd look like a total snake. Jenn sighs, "Duh, that's why we want you sitting next to us in the Final Two, hello." Katie tells us, "My strategy is to stick with people who make the decisions and when they don't have power anymore, switch to the people who do." Katie will move onto a rewarding career as a lobbyist after Survivor ends. The yachters decide they'll stick to the original plan to oust Caryn but they'll get rid of Tom if Caryn should win immunity--then they all laugh at the thought of Caryn winning something.

WELCOME (KNIFE IN THE) BACK

The yachters return to camp to find Caryn sulky and down, so naturally they think everything is going to plan. Then Caryn, Ian and Tom see the guests and realize they missed out on seeing their loved ones. This hits Tom especially hard, "I love my family more than most people love theirs, so this really hurts. This one cuts and twists." Speaking of cutting and twisting, Ian makes a guilt-ridden Katie cry when he assures her brother-in-law that he's been looking out for her and wouldn't let anyone hurt her. It is magnificent.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

Gregg was a handsome young man
He was boring but he had a plan
Just one thing went wrong
He waited too long
All he got on the trip was a tan

The big problem with Gregg's plan was it was too mister nice guy. He wanted to "turn" on Tom after the part of the game they'd all already decided was every man for himself, so he wouldn't look as bad as Katie did. He should have used Steph when he had the chance, used her vote to rid him of his real competition, Tom. The fact that they are targeting Caryn shows they're not looking one step ahead--they're following the old plan. Tom and Ian are already at the crossroad ahead, they see where Katie will roll when there are five players left and they're going to make a preemptive strike at six, when they still have the numbers to do something. Something Gregg could have done at seven had he been as smart as he thinks he is. Instead, he's gunning for freaking CARYN. The reason weaker players coast in a game like Survivor? Smart players let them, as they focus on their true opponents.

The Immunity Challenge is a combination of several games they've seen before. After each game, one player is dropped from the contest. Caryn is out at the rope maze, and everyone relaxes. Katie is out next at the puzzle, but Katie and Caryn don't seem to be sorry at missing another round of eating those "Bulooth" things. Gregg goes out--and kudos for Jenn for actually trying to win and not coasting. She meets her match when it comes to untying knots: because what have we learned from watching Survivor, kids? That's right, girls can neither tie nor untie knots. THe last game is a target shoot, which Ian easily wins. Tom jokes that his poor aim is why he became a fireman instead of a cop. Ian wins Immunity yet again, meaning it's Tom's who's on the line.

IAN DOESN'T JUST KNOW FLIPPER, HE IS FLIPPER

Back at camp, Gregg and Jenn are smug, while Tom and Ian pretend to be. Caryn does her part by sitting off by herself with he packed bags, looking angry--yet resigned. Ian thinks the performance is award-worthy, though best Survivor acting will always belong to Sandra and Lill, when they punked Jonny Fairplay and Burton into thinking they women were incapable of banding together to oust the boys. Honorable mention to Rob C. in the Amazon for...pretty much every word that came out of his mouth. Then Ian almost blows the whole thing when he says offhand that Tribal Council, "Should be interesting. I mean...should be...not interesting. It should be predictable and not at all surprising or different from what we all think is going to happen, and that's Caryn going home. I swear!" Tom looks as bloodthirsty as he did when he killed the shark, but keeps his rage in check, and Gregg remains none the wiser. He and Jenn go off for some alone time, and marvel at how perfect everything is. Jenn smiles, "I feel so rejuvenated. It's the NEXT vote that's gonna be big and dramatic and important!" Gregg agrees, "We can get rid of Tom OR Ian." "Oh, exactly--majority rules! Gregg, we're both so pretty and smart! Isn't it awesome?"

Elsewhere, Ian has decided not to leave everything to chance. In a bold move, he has decided to let Katie know of the plan to take out Gregg tonight. He tells her there will be a tie unless she switches and votes for Gregg. Katie stomps her foot, "But I don't stand a chance against you or Tom!" I guess she thinks she can beat Jenn? I guess? Ian tries to keep a straight face while he insists to Katie that a vote "would be closer than you think." Katie is unthrilled, and she has the audacity to complain to America about how, "Ian and Tom just want be to be next to them in the vote because they know they can beat me." Um, Katie, honey, isn't that your self-proclaimed strategy? To ride the coattails of powerful people who keep you around because you're so not-threatening? Sigh. Katie's got a lot to think about on her way to Tribal Council. But before we get there, it's time for...

**THE FINAL INSTALLMENT OF THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT**

First off, to those who don't watch the Amazing Race, you missed one of the best Reality Moments of All Time, when beauty queen Kelly lamented how her boyfriend Ron never finishes anything he starts and then he replied that he had joined the Army, and made a career out of that and then she said, "And you got out of that one too." And he asked, "How's I do that?" and she said...wait for it..."My becoming a P.O.W." Oh, the sweet mortification of watching human beings be themselves.

Anyway, the remaining three teams are in Jamaica, and Chachi is his usual Boston Rob self, "We came heh tuh win. Dere's no reason we we shouldn't win--just cut us duh check." Amber has to compete in a limbo competition, which she excels at--she learned how low she could go during Survivor. ANyway, the next day they have to build rafts, and Rob and Amber get a little snippy with one another, but they build a good raft. Later, Rob almost becomes a human avalanche, and Amber almost impales herself on the pole they're using to steer the raft. Someday, someone is going to die during the Amazing Race, I'm sure of it. Chachi and AMber then hit a major roadblock (not the game kind, the real life kind) when they get detained by the police, and Chachi says, "We need a miracle!" Lo and Behold, Uchenna and Joyce suffer a blow out, which Rob thinks is hilarious and AMerica feels is suspicious. I've seen a lot of people on the Amazing Race ask for a miracle, but Rob and AMber seem to consistently get them. Hmmm. The next day, the teams compete in some kind of golf challenge in San Juan, Puerto Rico, which I missed due to a traumatic TiVo malfunction at Heather and Brian's.

Fortunately, we did not miss Amber jumping off a bridge, though she emerged unscathed. No, she wasn't having second thoughts about her wedding to Chachi, it was all part of the game. By the time Chachi was gloating about picking the fastest lane at a tollbooth, I was about done with the whole show, but then, a miracle happened. Rob and Amber got standby tickets to a flight that would take them to Miami well ahead of the other two teams, and Uchenna and Joyce actually pulled a Rob and AMber and begged to be let on and didn't take no for an answer and were let on the flight! Amazing! The teams arrived in Miami, complete with a fake Miami Vice-ish theme playing in the background. Chachi and Amber leave their bags on the flight so they can move faster, which I'm pretty sure is illegal these days. If you or I attempted to do this, with no CBS production staff around to assure the airline that we weren't attempting to leave a bomb on the plane, we would at the very least be detained by airport security. But, it's not real, it's reality, so Rob and AMber are off without their backpacks (which they could have stowed in an airport locker without losing more than a few minutes, I know, I'm obsessing). But luck is not with the evil pair this day. Their cab driver deserts them and then they get lost and then they get stuck in traffic. Meanwhile, Uchenna and Joyce find themselves at the final leg but are 55$ short and can't pay their cab driver, so they beg for the money from passers-by as time keeps ticking and Rob and Amber get ever closer (at least it was edited to make it appear so). Finally, they satisfy their debt and race to the finish line. All the other teams are waiting and cheering, thrilled that Rob and Amber have not won yet another million dollars from CBS, though they did win all those trips and a free wedding in Hawaii, etc. ad nauseam. By the way, I watched the Chachi and AMber wedding special, and it was very disappointing. It was all about how happy they are, and the expensive gifts they gave to one another, and there wasn't anyone from Survivor there and there was, like, I think only one of the other couples from Amazing Race (the married couple that hates each other). Boo hiss. And now, back to our regularly scheduled (okay, mucho preempted) Survivor review...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is let in, and everyone looks ashamed when Steph appears. Jeff asks Caryn if she felt targeted in the pecking order game, and she says that she was told it was because she had won a lot of food rewards before. Jeff scoffs, "And you bought that?" "Yes." "REALLY!?!?" THen Jeff tries to give Gregg a hard time for asking his girlfriend's permission to help Katie during the challenge, and Jeff is not amused by how funny everyone else seems to think that is, "I'm serious, this is SURVIVOR! They're throwing their alliance in your faces and you're laughing!" Jenn insists, "Just because Gregg and I are always together and e like, make-out and stuff, does NOT mean we aren't playing individual games too." Gregg smiles, "Well said, darling. People aren't gonna switch sides and change the way they vote just because they see us as a couple." No. Not JUST because :) Caryn knows she's vulnerable, because she and Willard and Coby were never in the main alliance. Tom does hi best Lex impressions when he describes the tribe as, "Friends who are all looking to slit each other's throats at night." Then he continues, "All's fair in love and war--it's all about advancement--unless you try and screw ME ovuh, then it's a whole other story." Jeff asks Ian if he wants to give up immunity, and Tom holds out his hand but Ian keeps it. Katie is noticeably silent and somber during Tribal Council, a sure tip-off that she's about to betray Gregg--if she were really voting out Caryn tonight, she'd be thrilled. When Gregg's name comes up more than once (meaning not just Caryn voted for him) Jenn is stunned, and that jury is visibly shocked. When Gregg is booted instead of Caryn, the jury seems thrilled. Not because they hate Gregg, but because, I think, it's good drama, and they haven't had TV in a long time. Jenn is floored--it seems those chickens she was counting before the vote were only partially-fertilized island embryos. Even after being blindsided and betrayed, Gregg cannot muster up any emotion, he's as boring in defeat as he has been in victory.

Gregg finishes in 6th place, which was once known as the "P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) spot. And I guess we can fit Gregg into that category. He may be boring and lame, but he is pretty. He joins wise but doomed Colleen, Jerri's stooge (and eventual All-Star winner) Amber and Africa's Lil' Kim. Things weren't so P.Y.T when the epitome of boring and lame finished 6th in Marquesas--remember The General? Man, that was a bad season. Thailand's chore-obsessed Jake followed, then in the Amazon another P.Y.T. joined the ranks, when deaf Christy refused to give Rob a straight answer, causing him to team with freaking Heidi and Jenna to oust her. I'm still ticked at Christy for that one. In the Pearl Islands, Rupert's pal Christa (aka Big Bird) went out, and last season we lost arrogant, gender-obsessed Ami--what a great night that was.

I'm gonna do it, you know. I'm gonna get last season wrapped up in time to start Survivor : Guatamala :D THe bios are already up at CBS.com if ya want to check out this year's crew. According to TV Guide, this year is going to be the most brutal Survivor ever (which they say almost every year) and there's supposed to be two big twists--personally, I don't get to excited about the twists, I just hope it's a good cast.

Peace!

Christine :D