Survivor 11.1 "We might send off one of these crippled broke-down guys."

BEFORE WE START...

If you or anyone you know is catching up with Survivor: Africa on the Outdoor Life Network, be sure to check-out my reviews on the blog: http://opinionjamboree.blogspot.com The episodes airing this week are archived under November and December of 2001. Yes, it's been that long.

For those shopping for another reality show, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart started last night and it is AWESOME. Yes, she's a little scary, but she also writes a charming thank you note to the ousted contestant each week. I don't know why the ratings stunk, it was great! Tune it next time.

Lastly, I just found out that Blondie isn't in the Rock Hall of Fame. I'm sorry, what!? I thought they went in when the Ramones and the Talking Heads did. I am frankly, outraged. Also, if you see any of your Baby Boomer acquaintances looking similarly outraged, it could be because they just saw a commercial in which Jefferson Airplane's "Volunteers" was used to sell Tommy Hilfiger's clothes for today's conformist youth. I guess the revolution WILL be televised. Cheer up, Boomers, I survived Burger King's using "I Melt With You" to sell cheeseburgers...

WE'RE BACK!

Hey everyone, welcome back to Survivor! The first episode is always a little confusing--I don't pretend to know 9or care ) who everyone is just yet. This season, it's Survivor: Guatemala. Or as I like to call it, Survivor: Yavin, since the exterior shots used for the planet Yavin in "Star Wars" were shot here. Yes, I am a giant nerd. This season is the first season since Survivor Amazon that we haven't been on an Island--that was five Survivor's ago! Jeff promises that this season will be full of monkeys and snakes and crocodiles and suffering. 39 days! 18 people! One Survivor!

THe tribes arrive at an ancient Mayan temple. At one point, Jeff refers to them as "authentic," as if we might think CBS threw together a pretend 10 story temple as a substitute. THe tribes have been pre-divided, so there's no team choosing ritual this time, which is fine by me, I like it when they mix-up the little things. The players are all dressed in really bright colors--I don't know if that's something they were asked to do, to like, stand out, or to have a sort of "fiesta" vibe, or if really ugly day-glo tank tops are just coming back into fashion. I half expected Wham! to appear at the top of the temple singing, "Wake me Up Before You Go-Go On That Grueling Eleven Mile Hike." But wait, that's not George Michael and Andrew Ridgley....it's Steph and Bobby Jon!!!! What the!? It turns out that they are the twists in the game, and will compete again as members of Yaxua (yah-shaw) and Nakum (nah-KOOM). I think it'll be easier to just call them the Stephs and the Bobby Jons. Almost everyone geeks out when they realize they get to meet Steph and Bobby Jon. Jamie sulks, "The girls we're all excited because I guess Steph's their hero. All I could think was, How'm I gonna win the million dollars now that she's here?" Well Jamie, you could vote her out in 7th place, like they did last time. Meanwhile, "sports radio host" Danni is happy to get Bobby Jon because, "A man is stronger than a woman." Farmer Brandon insists that having Bobby Jon isn't that big a deal because Bobby Jon is "kinda dumb." Very soon after he says this, he slips and falls on his ass. Well done, Survivor gods. You leave Bobby Jon alone, mean Brandon. >:( Jeff reminds them that Bobby Jon and Steph are tribe members just like they are, and can voted out right away if they're that resentful and shortsighted...

MARCH OF THE SURVIVORS

THe first challenge is an 11 mile race through the jungle to try and get the better of the two camp sites, and flint to make fire. They get a couple compasses, a map, some water, and all the fruit and corn meal they can carry. The Bobby Jons rely on ex-Marine and ex-Fireman Jim, the designated "old man" of the group, who is actually only about 60. He seems older because this is easily the youngest cast they've ever had, with most of the contestants in their 20's. My guess is, that speech Jeff made at the Finale about most of the winners being over 30 freaked out the marketing department, so they're trying to rig it so somebody in their twenties wins. This is also the whitest cast they've had--Latina Lydia appears to be the only person of color on board. AGH! GIANT ANTS! Reason thirty-three why Christine will never try out for Survivor. I prefer my seat on the bug-free sidelines, thank you very much. ANyway, Jim is the only guy that knows how to use a compass, so he leads. On the Stephs, it's Gary Hogeboom, who's carrying a terrible secret--he was once and NFL quarterback! Why is this a terrible secret, you may ask? Well, he's afraid people will assume that since he used to play professional football, he's rich and doesn't need the money. And he's so afraid people will recognize him from his glory days, he's even come up with an alias, "Gary Hawkins. Landscaper." What's sad is, the people who actually remember who Gary Hogeboom was, were laughing the hardest at the idea that anyone would remember who he is. I mean, I remember him because he was my favorite Dallas Cowboys quarterback. He sucked :) I'll bet they asked Danni to wear her "Football Chic" shirt just so he could look over at the other tribe and fret about her saying, "Hey...didn't you throw more interceptions than touchdowns when I was in grade school?" Anyway, Rafe the Wilderness Guide hangs back at lets the guy with grey hair take the lead, "The leader always gets voted out first," he reasons. Not only isn't this true (there are notable exceptions, but it's usually a weak or annoying person who gets voted out first) but I have to object in principle to a self-appointed Wilderness Guide who chooses not to, you know, guide. Whatever, Rafe. Gary says he didn't want to try to be the leader, but being on a tribe full of 20-somethings means his "paternal instincts will kick in." And you know they're gonna LOVE that. Then we get Judd, who might just be the lost Deluise brother, sputtering, "Ay, Ah'm just a freakin' doorman from New York, man." Yes, even reality TV has clumsy exposition...

STILL MARCHING...

"We're going in the right direction, we just need to speed it up," Steph barks. I think the problem with the 11 mile hike is, from a TV standpoint, it didn't seem any different than the long hike the tribes had to take in the dark at Vanuatu. Maybe that was only three mile, I have no idea, but it played the same way on TV, no matter how hard we're told that it is. What's interesting about it is it's similar to the Adventure Racing competitions where Mark Burnett first got his start. Anyway, things pick-up for the viewers when a spiky tree jumps into the path and attacks Blake, biting him about the shoulder. Nurse Margaret saves the day and plucks out the stickers, but later, Blake collapses into a pukey, shivery ball, and the tribe has to halt. Which is fine, because it's dark anyway and neither team can read or maneuver anyway. Amy of the Stephs tells us in a thick Boston Robesque accident that, "We stahted hearin' some noises, it reminded me uh predaduh." Hopefully, Amy won't remind me too much of Boston Rob. The groups meet up right before they exit the jungle and get to travel on a path. This is thrilling for the Stephs and demoralizing for the Bobby Jons, because everyone thought the Bobby Jons were way ahead of the Stephs (I'm not really sure why, maybe based on how fast they left the temple?). The Stephs can't capitalize though, mainly because Lydia and Amy are dragging behind. This irritates Steph, but the slower pace may be saving them future grief. Over at Bobby Jon, the man himself has doubled over in agony, a victim of severe cramping, but Nurse Margaret saves the day, and she gets him hydrated and on his way. The Bobby Jons get to the canoe's first, but then Judd gets stuck it some mud, which Mean Farmer Brandon thinks is funny, and Bobby Jon cramps up so bad he can't move, but they still win the best campsite, amid some authentic Mayan ruins--not fake ones, the genuine article. A few minutes later, Lydia breezes into camp as the rest of her tribe struggle behind her, exhausted. "Lydia, you still have some spring in your step," Jeff accuses. Lydia is oblivious and happy just to be on Survivor. They then limp back to their canoe and take it to the other side of the lake, where there camp site is. No ruins, just trees and dirt.

CAMP LIFE

There don't appear to be water holes provided for the Survivors to, you know, keep them alive? Anyway, The Stephs all band together and everyone pulls there weight and a shelter is quickly built. Steph is thrilled, 'I'm finally on a tribe with as much heart and determination as....ME!" Cool it Steph, you're sounding a little conceited. I'm gonna assume that was more a swipe at the likes of Kim, Jeff and Mean Katie. Rafe is also moved by how well the tribe worked together. Holding back tears, he gushes, "It was great to see that Yaxua spirit come out in everybody--Yay US!" So, Rafe is shaping up to be like Rotu's Gabe in the Marquesas, only more gay. You remember Gabe, the guy who was more concerned with building a great society than he was in winning? I mean, I don't get even coining the phrase "Yaxua spirit" when you've only been this imaginary TV thing called Yaxua for like, 24 hours. Maybe it's the dehydration talking.

PYRRHIC VICTORY?

Speaking of dehydration, it's hitting the men of Bobby Jon HARD. All the guys except Brandon are puking up a storm. Then, Bobby Jon almost has a seizure, and his eyes roll back into his head, Bobby Jon, DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT! Nurse Margaret saves the day by massaging his muscles. "Palau was recess compared to Guatemala," Bobby Jon sound bites. Margaret marshals the other girls into providing first aid to the ailing men--it turns out that body fat has it's privileges. Cindy, a zoo keeper who looks like a blond Tina Fey, wonders if winning the best campsite was really worth it, if it turns out they can't win again because of the damage down to the tribe's health.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The tribes arrive at the Immunity Ruins, where Jeff unveils the Immunity Idol. Survivor has certainly revived the popularity of the graven image. The Amazon's Joanna would not be pleased. The Challenge has the teams taking a canoe around a buoy, then back to the beach, and then they attach their boat to a rope. The four strongest on the team then pull rope tug-of-war style while four others lay down logs in front of the boat for it to roll on top off. Then each team has one wimpy person who gets to run this torch up and light a bigger fire, signifying victory. For all their vomiting, the Bobby Jons keep it really close. But it's not enough. The Stephs win immunity, making tonight's Tribal Council the first Tribal Council that Steph doesn't have to go to in her entire Survivor experience. Yay! Plus, the Steph's get their flint.

TRIAGE VOTING

As they walk wearily back to camp, Jim tells his tribe that one of his arm muscles has torn. He says it happened when they were lifting the boat onto beach, "I thought everyone was lifting it, but I was lifting it by myself," he explains. I don't actually think this was an accusation, but Judd takes it that way, "Ay. I was lifting dat bad boy like I nevuh lifted anything in my LIFE," he warns. Settle down, Judd. Leave your fight face at home. Discussion about who to get rid of begins. Brandon says, "We might send off one of these crippled broke-down guys." Meaning, Jim, Bobby Jon or Blake, all of whom are laying about camp looking half-dead, but, as my friend Brian said as we watched, "Uh, how about the old guy with one arm?" Indeed. I must say, it's refreshing to have it be the pretty young BOYS who are all weak and pukey for a change.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff intones that they are standing in the north acropolis of the Mayan ruin. I honestly didn't know Mayan ruins could have an acropolis, I thought that word was specific to Greek architecture, but, what do I know about architecture? Jeff tells us,"This sacred site is where the Mayan leaders would decide the fate of their people, so it is indeed a fitting place for us to have our overly-dramatic TV show ceremony." Settle down Jeff, no one's getting their heart cut out in order to assure the cosmic balance. Then Jeff makes the mistake of mentioning Judd when discussing how the tribe's strong men have been laid low by vomiting. Judd looks miffed. And when I say miffed, I mean enraged. Bobby Jon apologizes for being human, and understands he might get sent home. Danni says that women very often have more endurance, even when men have more physical strength. Then she points out that the men carried the bulk of the supplies during the hike, so it makes sense that they'd be suffering more of the effects. This goes over well with Judd. Then Jeff asks Judd if he's worried about being seen as week and Judd splutters, "Not at all! I, I, this, I mean, I puked like once, man! And then I was over it, and I did what I had tuh do--ya want me to tuh do a back flip right now? I will Jeff, c'mon!" Settle Down, Judd. Puking on the first day will not get you voted out, but being the scary angry guy definitely will.

Jim, the old guy with one arm, is voted out in a landslide. I don't want to accuse him of pulling a "I hurt my ankle" like Jeff, but when he was explaining his story to Jeff, the tribe looked a little annoyed to me, especially Margaret. She almost seems bemused. Maybe that's why Jim mysteriously casts his lone vote for the MVP of the Bobby Jons, Nurse Margaret. Very odd. Maybe she told HIM to settle down or something, I really don't get it. Maybe he's a chauvinist. It just seems like, he should have voted for Blake or Bobby Jon because they were the only other real candidates to leave instead of him. After the vote, Jeff lectures, "I think your challenge is going to be how to give it your all, without destroying yourself in the process." Sounds like a self-help book in the making. Then we see a taped message from Jim's wife, as part of a new feature where we see the ousted Survivor's family. She says that she looks forward to their walks, and I get sad and wish I were married.

Jim is voted out in 18th place and joins a boy named Brook, who I really don't remember. He was one of the young dudes voted out by the old dudes in Vanuatu, when eventual winner Chris came thisclose to going home instead. And last season the not-forgettable Jolanda was ousted at 18 when she tried to inflict leadership onto U-Turn when they were determined to "do democracy." And we all know how well that turned out.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Since I ditched the poetry (it was becoming forced. Like, three seasons ago) I've decided to add a new feature to the review (take that, Survivor Family Moment), called the Random Loser Fact. Each week, I will tell you something about the evicted Survivor from their CBS bio, that I think is interesting.

Jim is building a jet-turbine sport helicopter in his spare time. Whoa. Sounds way harder than trying to keep up with a weekly blog.

Tonight: Um, if Blake doesn't DIE, I think the Bobby Jons will ditch Bobby Jon. He, as Martha Stewart might say, doesn't fit in. Or they might get rid of one of the girls I don't know yet. The Stephs will get rid of plucky Lydia.

Peace Out!

Christine :D