Survivor 11.2 "Why Would You Want To Vote Me Off First, That's Retarded!"

BEFORE WE START

Several of you have asked me to do an Amazing Race review. Friends, it's all I can do to keep up with the Survivor review, and Survivor is my first love. I will however make a couple comments: That stressful yelly mean disrespectful Jersey family needs to GO, and those evil snotty bratty creepy Gaghan kids need to be humiliated. It was sad to see the little kids trying not to cry when the Black family got eliminated (the show's only African-American family is named the Black family, which was unintentionally humorous throughout, because if you didn't know better, you might think no one had bothered to learn their names and was just calling them "the black family.") Anyway, if this game makes the Gaghan kids cry I will be laughing, yes laughing at small children in pain, and singing "She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes." I think the only reality person I hate more than those kids is Fabian Basabe on "Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive." Someday, he is going to murder somebody and use diplomatic immunity to get away with it. Hopefully it won't be Haley Giraldo because even though she's a spoiled brat, she's Pat Benatar's daughter, and I love Pat Benatar. Yes, I'm watching a reality show on E! I have a problem, I need help. Also, I am dreading the new TV Guide, which will come out in two weeks, and won't be digest-sized, and won't have the newspaper pages that are so easy to highlight. I can't begin to tell you how sad I am about this, about how it's gonna be the size of a regular magazine, and only have national, not local listings, and I'm paid up til next year so I can't quit in a huff. And in case you were wondering, no, people with REAL problems, don't have blogs. Now, onto the Survivor...

A TALE OF TWO TRIBES

At Bobby Jon, everyone's sad and beaten down from going to Tribal Council. Bobby Jon laments, "Seems like that's where I live, seems like I'm paying rent at Tribal Council." Oh Bobby Jon, it'll be okay :( The next day, Blake continues to wheeze and suffer and Margaret continues to fret. Brandon is unsympathetic to Blake's plight and sneers, "I've got nothing against the guy, but I'm just stronger and tougher than he is and, when you've got pain, man, you've just gotta man up." Can that whole, man up, cowboy up anything up phrase just go away? Please?

Meanwhile, everything's hunky dory at Steph, [The played some kick-ass bouncy background music here] because they won immunity the day before, so they can wallow in their delusion about being united and one tribe and bestest friends and let's not forget "family." It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people on reality shows are able to label total strangers as their "family." ANd if one of my family members did this, I think I'd be a little offended. Anyway, the Stephs are full of love for one another, the girls are braiding one another's hair, and they judge the other team for not having as much fun as they are. Steph jokes that Bobby Jon is the reason for that, "He's so damn serious," she chuckles. The others huddle about her, eager to soak up her every word, because she's a famous person. Jamie then brags on their diversity, "We got a bum (meaning himself), a police officer, a magician's assistant, a fishmonger, a gay guy and a landscaper, but we all come together brilliantly." Yes, apparently Rafe is gay by profession, as well as persuasion. Then we get Weird Gary telling us AGAIN about how even though he TOLD everyone he's a landscaper, he left out the part about being an ex-NFL quarterback 15 years ago and he's living in fear that someone's gonna recognize him. If you want to truly capture the ridiculous intensity that Gary and CBS are giving this "secret," I want you to do this: Every time you hear or read anything about Gary having been a professional football player, I want you to change it to Gary having "Killed a Guy."

WEB OF TRIES

The gang gathers for the Reward Challenge. Reward is a bunch of fishing gear--line, hooks, and a bowl of worms. The challenge has the Survivors racing across a ramp and then climbing around a rope-web tent thing, in order to untie some sandbags, which they must then bring back to the starting line. The web is set up over a pool of water, and if the contestants fall in before they get their bag untied, they have to go all the way to the start without getting a bag for their team. ANd, everyone on the team has to go at least once before they can start loading up attempts on their stronger players. The Steph's sit out Amy. Remember, you can't sit out the same contestant in back to back challenges, even though it sure seems to me like they haven't always kept track of that, or adequately explained to the audience what they mean by back to back. To start, Bobby Jon loses tome to Jamie, but then Cindy makes it up when she races against Brian. Blake and Steph are fairly even, as are Brandon and Gary, and Margaret and Rafe. Then, Rafe becomes the first player to fall in the water without getting a bag. To make maters exponentially worse, he then cannot pull himself up the ladder. It's not a death blow though, because then Judd falls off the rope web. Morgan and Danni do well, as does Lydia, but Brianna falls with no bag. Jamie goes one more time and it's almost tied going into the end with Blake against Brian, and Brian doesn't stand a chance. Blake dramatically collapses at the end, to remind his tribe that even though he was the awesome all-star today, he's gonna need a long nap and some TLC if they expect him to do well in the next challenge.

FOOD: CHALLENGING

The Bobby Jon's get up the next day at, as Farmer Brandon so colorfully puts it, "the butt-crack of dawn," in order to catch some fish. I didn't know you could say butt-crack on CBS--you sure as hell can't show it. Meanwhile, the Stephs have to be a little more inventive. Steph is pulling up roots, while Rafe wonders if anyone wants to try eating a grasshopper he found. Everyone takes a pass. In what turns out to be stealth foreshadowing, Morgan is shown sitting around while everyone else is hustling for protein. Lydia the fishmonger makes a little cove in the lake and puts a net over it. Rafe and Gary bring a disgusting ant nest to camp because ants are full of protein. Steph refuses to eat them, but Rafe thinks they have a "nice zing to them." It's probably fortunate that they didn't win the Reward because Rafe might have eaten the bowl of worms. Steph vows not to eat any of the nasty bugs. Things look up for the tribe when Lydia comes into camp with 10 little minnows, which they grill and feast on. Brian gushes, "Lydia, you are a work horse, I think we need you." Lydia is pleased that she's proved her worth to the tribe, but little does she know, her tribe is a bunch of morons.

FREAKIN' BLAKE, MAN!

Blake can't breathe again, and Nurse Margaret is once again worried. Judd Deluise splutters, "Lemme tell ya somethin' about Blake, man. He does basically nuthin' at camp, man. I mean, he's a great guy, I got nuthin' against 'im, but he's got Maaagret nurturin' 'im all day, all I hear is "sit down, relax, get some waaatuh. I'm sittin' there thinkin' how much more relaxin' does this dude need, man?" Judd complains bitterly to an agreeing Brandon that they aren't able to shine in challenges because they're doing all of Blake's chores. "I wanna be duh big hero next challenge. I'm gonna be duh big hero!" Settle down, big boy. It's real early in the game, man.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE TAILOR MADE TO MAKE JUDD DUH BIG HERO

Blake is off hyperventilating into his hat, as Danni proves me wrong by letting us know that she knows who Gary Hogeboom is, because she's a sports radio chick. I find this bizarre, and quite frankly, suspicious. Maybe he does, like commercials for used car dealerships in the midwest? Or, more likely, they cast her specifically because she does know who Gary Hogeboom is just so she could "out" him, just to make his whole "secret life" thing into more of a story. *yawn* Then Danni chirps that she's not so worried about facing him in a challenge because, "Quarterbacks aren't usually as athletic as the rest of the football players." Huh? So you're saying Warren Sapp is more of an athlete than say, Donovan McNabb? Really. Really? Danni sucks, and she's the reason why some men are always complaining about women being sideline reporters, even though there are plenty of women, like...I dunno, ME, who are just as informed and knowledgeable about football than most guys. Fantasy Football results notwithstanding.

So, it's this big mudbowl, and the teams are connected to each other on this rope belt thing, and they're gonna try to tug the other team across so they can get a flag. This will happen for 15 minutes. When no one wins, it's on to individual tugs of war, and you can play anyone as often as you like. Most convenient if you have a tree trunk on your team, as the Bobby Jon's do with Judd. Anyway, the team vs. team challenge starts and Brian decides it would be more helpful to try and full some of the women of Bobby Jon off the main group, and try to pull them backwards. It doesn't help his tribe gain any ground, but he does get locked up with Danni who whispers to him, "Gary used to be an NFL quarterback! You must know the truth! You have to confront him about it or CBS will hurt my family, please! It's the only reason why I was cast! That and the fact that I was on Star Search in the 90's!" The tug-o-war is a stalemate, and it goes on to one on one. First tribe to three flags win. First up, Judd vs. Gary. Judd is huge, and Gary is an ex-quarterback, for crying out loud. Everyone knows how wimpy those guys are. Judd wins. Then Jamie takes on Farmer Brandon. Jamie inexplicably decides to give up his traction in order to stand up and try to run up and pull Brandon backwards. It is a bonehead move, and Brandon is able to easily pull Jamie off his feet and win the match. Judd goes again, and the Stephs have no choice but to play Jamie again, since he's the heaviest member of their tribe. Judd waits until the last few seconds of the match, until Jamie relaxes, and pulls him effortlessly across the mud pit in order to claim the last flag. The Bobby Jons win immunity. Jeff doesn't make any comment about how Bobby Jon himself has won immunity for the first time in his Survivor career, the way he did with Steph. Don't tell Julie, but I think Jeff hearts Steph.

CAMP STEPH DRAMA

Steph tries to rally the troops, and reminds them that they aren't down, losing a member just means a tie. The boys go off to talk about who to vote out, and Jamie announces that Steph knows the game to well, and is to strong to keep around. Yes, Jamie is a complete idiot. Plus, I don't understand what "knowledge of the game" Jamie thinks Steph has. It's not that hard to figure out. It's about numbers. Hey Jamie, if she's that good, and that strong, why don't you FORM A FREAKIN' ALLIANCE WITH HER? Idiot. Plus, when you're competing against the other team, you know, the team with the tree trunk and the more-athletic-than-your-guys team? Uh, it's asinine to get rid of a strong player. Fortunately, the other guys know this. Well, Brian and Gary know this. Rafe is pretty much gonna stand there and look nervous, no matter what you tell him to do. But he will do whatever you tell him, so long as you make him feel included in your fake 39 day TV "family," which will benefit whoever wants to exploit it. Rafe is very needy. Anyway, I don't know if Jamie tried to lobby Amy to boot Steph, or if Gary or Brian went to AMy and said, "Jamie's a moron and wants Steph out," but anyhoo, Amy goes to a stunned Steph and tells her that "Jamie and those guys" are talking about voting her out, "Why would you want to vote ME out first, that's retarded," Steph scoffs.

At dinner, Brian drops the "bombshell" *yawn* *stretch* that Danni whispered in his ear while they were mudwrestling (hey, it happens). "So, Danni told me that you were once an NFL quarterback, Gary. Tell me that isn't true, because I don't think I could be in tribe with someone who actually...*shudder* played professional football!" Gary chuckles, "That's pretty funny." which, in all seriousness, was a great response. I think the whole thing is silly and stupid and over dramatized, but Gary's almost non-reaction, and his casual "that's pretty funny," actually makes it seem like it IS just that, a funny, not true thing that Danni said because she's some crazy troublemaking chick. But I still have to laugh at Gary's assertion that if his tribe finds out he's Gary Hogeboom, ex-Dallas Cowboy, he'll be voted out "immediately." These kids won't have any idea who he is, even if tells them who he is, and all he'd have to say is, "We didn't get paid back then the way they get paid now," or "I made some bad investments," OR he could use the fact that he has some money as a reason to bring him into the Final Two--he doesn't need the money, maybe he won't get the votes. But these people just don't seem to know how to play this game, it's like amateur season out in Guatemala. Except for maybe Brian, although it's clear from his using the terms "quarterback" and "linebacker" interchangeably that he isn't really what you'd call a sports fan.

Gary talks to Amy and Rafe while they're on a water run. He's decided that either Lydia or Morgan must go, because they are the weakest members of the tribe (although it was Rafe and Brianna who failed in the Reward challenge). But Gary's not gonna target Rafe, probably because he fears the closeness of the women, and the "dreaded women's alliance." He claims Lydia is "limited" in challenges, even though she's done just fine in them so far. When Gary runs the pair by Steph, Steph wants Morgan out, no question, but Amy lobbies to keep her, because she's a dancer and therefore will be good at balancing on stuff, should the need arise, and this seems to sway everyone. All of a sudden, everyone's willing to throw out Lydia, with her proven work ethic and skills and keep lazy Morgan, because of some theoretical ability they all think she might have in some upcoming challenge that may or may not ever happen. Idiots. But wait, there's one smart person in the tribe. Brian. I started off not liking Brian because he says in his bio that he's going to use his skills as a psych major to manipulate everyone into doing his bidding, or whatever, and people like that irritate me, but I've changed my opinion. Because a) he's not lying, he is able to bend everyone into to his doing his will and b) his will is to keep the more-deserving and more-useful Lydia over wimpy Morgan. Brian agrees with Gary that they must come to an agreement so that everyone votes one way. If they split the vote, the person who remains will be angry and hurt and that would be awkward and potentially damaging. Brian reminds Gary that Lydia works hard and Gary sighs, "Yes, but I don't want to lose another challenge." Brian counters, "But we haven't lost any challenges because of Lydia though." YES. Thank you! Brian gives Lydia a heads up, and tells her she need to fight for herself. Lydia lobbies Gary to keep her around and Gary, who moments ago had told us that the key to Survivor was to not get emotional, gets all soft and mushy and bendy. Rafe frets, "We don't need a fracture at home. I mean, at camp. But the hard reality of this game is that we *sniff* have to vote each other out!" Be strong Rafe, stay with me, you can do this.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

They get to the Tribal Council ruins, and Amy seriously looks at the torches like, "Ah you kiddin' me wit duh torches hee-uh?" ANd Jeff rolls his eyes, "Everyone get a torch, dip it in the fire, fire represents life--it's Season 11, people, c'mon." Jeff goes to Steph first (big surprise) "Why would ANYONE be so stupid as to want you out first, Steph." "I know, right? I mean, I know the game, so use me! I think I 'm safe this week but, this game is a big bag of lies half the time so who knows?" Jeff throws to Jamie, "Jamie, seriously, Steph is strong, smart, and hot. What the hell is your problem with her?" Jamie sighs, "She knows the game REAL well--do I have to draw you a picture!? She not weak like girl, she strong--like--like BOY! Jamie confused." Lydia takes Jeff cue to defend herself, which earns Brian a nod of respect. Then Jeff asks Morgan, "Are you guys as united as you seem, or is it possible that SOMEONE, I'm not gonna name names, but SOMEONE, hint, hint, might be out of the loop? Because SOMEONE, Morgan is going home and that someone, Morgan, probably hasn't been told." Morgan smiles. She smiles because she doesn't watch the show--or at least, she doesn't pay attention enough to realize that when Jeff asks the question about honesty within the tribe, honey, if you aren't lying to someone, you're probably the one being lied to and you should be very very afraid. But Morgan chirps on, as her tribe squirms around her, "We're unified because we're all TOTALLY honest with each other. We all kind of know what's going on, and we all love each other but someone has to go home, and that's like, sad, because we don't want to say goodbye to anyone yet!" I am very surprised that Rafe didn't burst into tears at this point. Instead, he insists bravely that their FAMILY will move on from this crushing blow and be stronger than ever before. Morgan is blindsided and ousted 8-1. She votes for Lydia. When she sees her name come up again and again, Morgan looks very sad. Rafe looks even sadder. In her exit interview, she laments her naivete, and we get to see her parents wishing her well in the Family Moment. Actually, her Mom wishes her well and promises her a spa appointment upon her return, while her dad just sits there, looking gruff and/or uncomfortable. Jeff chastises the tribe, "Well, you bastards claim to be unified, yet the person you voted out never saw it coming. Good luck sleeping tonight. And Steph, seriously, sweet dreams."

RANDOM LOSER FACT

It turns out being a "magician's assistant is indeed the only interesting thing ABOUT young Morgan, but I'll leave you with this quote from her bio: Morgan "feels her greatest achievement is allowing [her parents] to live vicariously through her as she performs, competes and travels to new and exciting places." That's kinda creepy.

Morgan leaves the game in 17th place, following Vanuatu's sheep farmer Dolly, who accidentally played both sides by being friendly with everyone, and last season's Ashlee, the buxom Mormon girl from last season. Nope, no one else remembers her either. Morgan is also the first Survivor contestant to share her name with a Survivor tribe, unless I somehow forgot about some guy named Ogakor.

Tonight: Well, Amy hurts her ankle in the promo, but they got me last week with Blake, I ain't falling for it this time. If the Stephs go back, It's probably Lydia or Brianna, even though Rafe is just as weak, in my opinion. At Bobby Jon, I don't expect Blake to go unless he really is airlifted out. I'd guess the guys want a girl out, since girls alliances irrationally scare men on Survivor these days so I'd guess Brooke, since I still don't have a clue who Brooke is or what she's about. *shrug*

Peace Out! :D

Christine