Survivor 10.6 "We really can't afford to lose anybody else. For real."

THE GRIPES OF WRATH

The U-Turn tribe is reminding me of the Joad's from "The Grapes of Wrath," in part because of their bad luck and hardship, plus 3 out of four of them have those country accents. This was never more so than last week, when they brought all their belongings to Tribal Council, in the desperate hope of finding a better life over at Er-Ror. But a merge was not to be. Also not to be, Ibrehem's ouster. He is grateful to still be around, while Steph and James Who Should Be Jim Bob are ticked. Steph vows, "I'm voting him out next time, and I'm not changing my mind," proving that she lies to herself just as much as she does to everyone else. They have a team meeting, where Steph and JWSBJB insist they keep losing because nobody's listening enough. Um. Okay. Steph insists, "We need to win next time. We really can't afford to lose anybody else. For real." Thank you, Captain Obvious. JWSBJB jumps all over Ib's (pronounced Eeb) case and blames him for the loss. His words echo in the night because there are so few bodies around the camp fire to absorb the sound. Ib keeps his cool, while Bobby Jon steams over singling anyone else, "Win as a team, lose as a team." I think Bobby Jon may have smuggled in a "Sports Cliche Quote-A-Day" calendar, and I'm stunned he's yet to refer to giving something more than 100%. The next morning, we learn than Ibrehem is a practicing Muslim, who prays every morning. I'm certain Muslim Survivor fans went "Oh Shit," the same way I did when I saw Bobby Jon profess his Christianity on the promos for this season. Although Bobby Jon hasn't humiliated himself yet, he is veering into "Sincere Christian who Goes Psycho" territory, like that sniper in "Saving Private Ryan."

KATIE'S KRAFT KORNER

At Er-Ror, everyone's rejuvenated from that yummy beef stew, and the whole tribe sets about to improve their shelter, even though they have the most kick-ass shelter even built. Well, except for one person. Coby tells us, "Camp Koror had craft day--well, just Katie, everybody else was working. She didn't hunt, she didn't do nuthin' but she made necklaces, God love her." Heh, I don't care how conniving he is, Coby's a keeper. An oblivious Katie tells us, "I'm surprised at how easy it's been, I'm like, not tired at all. I thought it would be way harder than this but I'm able to braid at a pretty vast clip and stay refreshed!" Caryn scoffs, "It appears Katie's just here to entertain. Let the record show that she sings songs and tells jokes. But ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let me put the question to you: what role does she fulfill." Uh, camp clown, I guess. Cut to Katie and several other tribe members doing a mean anti-U-Turn sock puppet show (I'm pretty sure it's Ian and Coby back there with her.) One of the guys mocks Angie, "I'm Angie and I can smell the beef stew, boo hoo," Katie cackles, "I'm Bobby Jon, I love everybody and I look like Jesus Christ!" Greg and Jenn laugh from their smug hammock. I hate these guys.

REWARD LIMERICK

If you want some chips, well then, shoot
No really, a gun is the way to the loot
If your aim is true
you'll muddle through
and give your own horn a big toot

U-Turn wins with the tree mail because they only have to split the one pringle four ways, while the Er-Rors have to split it 8 ways. The challenge is a straight forward target practice game, where they have to use a gun to shoot out 8 tiles in order to win pringles and Mai-Tai's and a swim with some stingless jellyfish. The U-Truns win 8-7. Here's the scoring breakdown for Er-Ror: Greg 3, Caryn 2, Coby 1 and Tom 1. For U-Trun: Steph 4, Bobby Jon 2, Ibrehem 2 and James 0. Or as Jeff says, "James, you're o-fer!" Hee. As in, Oh for 4. Fortunately, Steph carries the day. She may be a liar, but she's truly the MVP of the team in terms of challenges.

TRIVIAL PURSUITS

The U-Turns drink their mai-tai's and eat their Survivor Trivia pringles. They do very well on the questions--I'm telling you, I gots to get me some of those Survivor chips. I'm glad it's not Survivor Doritos. Afterwards, they go to this lagoon and snorkel with the stingless jellyfish and bask in the thrill of victory and the wonder of God's creation. They're happy! They're strong! They're Winners! But they're U-Turn, so of course, it doesn't last.

JANU ZOO REVUE

A horrible storm hits Er-Ror. Presumably, it hits U-Turn too, but Survivor doesn't care, so I guess neither should we. Everyone gets shaken-up by the wind and rain, especially Janu, who is still fragile and weepy the next morning. Fireman Tom gives her a pep talk, saying the storm scared him, and that he misses his family too. He tells her this is one bad day, and she'll have better ones, but she insists she doesn't have the strength to go on. He tells her, "You've already gotten past your fear of having an early exit, ya gonna make it to duh merge, ya gonna make the jury--and it duh rest of us aren't careful, we're all gonna be on YOUR jury." Tom rules. Meanwhile, Mean katie sniffs, "Janu is like TOTALLY losing it, what a drama queen." Katie sucks.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

secure this here trunk with these ropes
inside it are all of your hopes
if your efforts should fail
you'll weep and you'll wail
and be on the tribe full of mopes

Yeah, that was pretty bad. They can't all be winners. Of course, Er-Ror might argue with me on that score. So the challenge is, each team's tribe flag is in the other teams trunk, and the teams have to secure the trunk with knotted ropes so the other team can't get their flag out to fly it. James Who Should Be Jim Bob tells his tribe, "Whin ah wuz in the Navy, I learnt me how to tah uh magic know thet no one'll be able tuh evuh un tah." So the U-Turns believe him, and are very confident as they head into the challenge. When they get to the beach, they learn they'll have 20 minutes to swim out and recover some bundles of wood to build a fortress around their hearts--er trunks, sorry, Sting got in their somehow. I'm surprised that JWSBJB didn't insist they didn't need the wood, what with his magic Navy knot. Er-ror is fielding Ian and the scrubs, Janu, Jenn and Katie, who can't warm the bench because they sat out the last challenge (I think it must mean back-to back challenges in terms of episode, because people have certainly sat out Immunity, and then the next week's Reward). James gets distracted by his skirt, and futzes with it while his team swims out to get the wood. Once on shore, both teams build the piles of wood over the trunks, and then they switch sides and try to get their trunk open. Janu and Steph uses their teeth to try to loosen the ropes--I'm convinced that dentists just DON'T watch Survivor. Anyway, the magic Navy knot is easily undone by Ian and the scrubs, and yes, U-Turn is headed back to Tribal Council.

COME BACK TO THE FIVE AND DIME, BOBBY JON, BOBBY JON

Ib is determined to vote out the worst player--James Who Should Be Jim Bob . Steph frets about a tie, but James assures her that Bobby Jon will never vote for him (the cynic in me wonder if this believe is based on race). James Who Should Be Jim Bob tells us with a bigot grin, "Ib has overstayed his welcome. He was meant to go the last time, and by the grace of Allah *snicker* he didn't. Welp, my God says he is today." I think maybe James Who Should Be Jim Bob should follow his own advice about needing to be a better listener, because it turns out, that's not what any god is saying tonight, turns out. Bobby Jon has gotten it into his pretty little head that Angie and James Who Should Be Jim Bob voted for him last time, instead of Steph and Angie. This is based on his analysis of the votes, "It was male handwriting," he reasons. I guess Bobby Jon's forensic hand-writing specialist career will have to be put on hold. Not all women use hearts and smiley faces to dot their i's and j's. Steph lies to Bobby Jon and tells him he's right--she voted for Angie, she insists, and adds a Twilesque "swear to God" for good measure. Steph and Bobby Jon make a deal to vote out Ib next week and "go all the way to the end" together. Aw, that's so delusional, it's cute. Bobby Jon wonders if Steph is playing him. Aw, he's just so pretty.

**THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT**

We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you the very latest update of Boston Rob and Amber's progress on "The Amazing Race."

The teams leave Argentina to fly to South Africa ("Sowt A'rika" to hear Chachi tell it). Chachi and Amber continue to praise their "guardian angels" who've helped them throughout the race, which is their term for the obsessed fans who help them along the way. Honestly, I had no idea that our version of Survivor was so popular in Argentina and South Africa, but it is. The teams all bunch up and Rob starts bitching about it, about how they're going to be "equalized." UGH! Complaining about the bunching on The Amazing Race would be like a baseball player complaining, "Agh! We came out and batted and scored a couple runs and we were TOTALLY winning, and then the lousy umpire goes and lets the OTHER team bat! ANd they scored a couple runs and the game EQUALIZED!" It's how the game works. You can't rest on your laurels. You can't blow it out on the first leg of the race and then coast because the other teams can never catch up. You have to have a certain amount of success on every single leg. Okay? Okay.

Chachi and Amber arrive in Johannesburg and decide to go for the first Fast Forward offered in this season of the Amazing Race. By claiming the fast forward, teams can complete this one task, then skip everything else. But they get kind of lost on the way and when they finally get there, another team is already walking across a tiny suspension bridge that hangs over a gaping water tower. Now, the way the Fast Forward works is, only the first team to complete it, gets it. Chachi decides they should wait, and gamble on the other team (the evil Ray and Deana) not being able to complete the task. Amber says she doesn't think it's a good idea to wait, so Chachi says, 'Well, yuh wanna quit an do somtin' else? You make duh decision." AMber refuses to make a decision, and they sit around wasting time until Ray and Deana finish the event and then they have to rush off to do one of the regular tasks that the other teams are doing. Things are strained between the couple, probably because chachi called Amber on her "You make all the decisions, and I'll just ride your coattails!" crap that allowed her to win Survivor instead of him (but it's his fault he lost, I'm not saying she didn't deserve to win because I don't think it's a game of "deserve"). Anyway, they go to a medical clinic to get directions and are hugged and encouraged by the staff, who are all huge fans of theirs from Survivor. They do this rather unchallenging challenge where you have to bring these items to the right Tribal Chief, and then they have to do this shopping roadblock. Amber doesn't have to do it alone though, because an obsessed fan steps in to help her. Again, I must reiterate, these aren't American tourists like the guy that helped them in the first leg, these are locals. Crazy. ANyway, this woman is thrilled to be helping Amber and then she sees Chachi and squeals, "Boston Rob, I'm so excited!" I have to admit, I'd be just as silly. I'd easily help Amber out and try to get her to dish on other people ("You hate Tina, right?") and I'd pester her about my review, "I call Rob "Chachi" and when you were with Jerri I wrote you as Darth Vader to her Emperor Palpatine--people thought it was pretty funny, let me tell you." And I'll bet she wouldn't have taken me to the pit stop the way she did with Super Fan, who got to meet a confused Phil. Phil is even more confused when Rob says, "we had a rough day," considering elderly Gretchen finished the leg with stitches in her forehead and a concussion after losing a bunch of blood and skin from her face in a dark cave. Anyway, they finish mid-pack, while Ray and Deana finish first and win cars. Toyota Rav-4's to be specific, and they are a lot less excited than any normal people would be about winning TWO FREE CARS! Gah, I hate them.

This was a two-hour show, so onto the next leg. Chachi can't take being "B"-less, and is now wearing the red Boston Red Sox cap that Amber had been wearing. The elderly couple finished last but it was non-elimination, which means the team stays in the hunt, but loses all their money and their clothes, save the ones on their backs. One of the other teams gives them a bunch of stuff to wear and most of the other teams give them a little money to help them stay in competition. The only ones who don't are Evil Ray and Deana, and Evil Chachi and Amber. Chachi calls the older couple "con artists." The teams feed raw meat to some lions, then they head to Botswana, where we learn that Chachi is physically incapable of saying "aardvark." On the way to the airport, Amber chuckles that they'll let the other teams do the hard work, and choose to blindly follow a team rather than look at their own map, and that person is wrong and they fall behind in the race. People who don't learn to read maps before going on The Amazing Race = People who don't learn to swim before going on Survivor. Idiots. Once in Botswana, the gay boyfriends refuse to let Chachi and Amber share a cab with them, and Chachi throws a big baby hissy fit of hypocrisy about it. In the same breath he curses out Lynn and...Alex (?) about NOT helping him, he ridicules the other teams FOR helping Gretchen and Meredith. Which is it, Rob? Because that double-standard is reminding me an awful lot of Lex, I'm just saying. Amber just stands beside Rob looking proud of selfishness. She reminds me of one of those girls in "American Graffiti" who ride around with Harrison' Ford's "Falfa" character going "Idn't he neat?" They all travel to a place where Bushmen show them how to throw a spear at a moving target. Everyone is able to do it before Chachi figures it out, ha ha. They make up some of the time racing across the salt flats in a jeep. Naturally, Rob taunts the elderly couple when he passes them. There is a scary moment in the race when one of the vehicles turns over, injuring their cameraman. EVERY other team stops to check and see if there's anything to do. Lynn and Alex actually get out, while everyone else does the common-courtesy stop, roll down the window, "Are you all right? Can we help?" Everyone except Rob and AMber, because they suck. And it's good that they suck so well because they excel in the next challenge, which involves sucking water out of a spring and into ostrich eggshells. When they get to the pit stop in 2nd place, Phil asks if they saw the wreck and whether they stopped to help, "It's a RACE, Phil," Chachi says condescendingly. Boo hiss, Boston Rob. And your little fiancee, too. On the upside, Ray and Deana? Eliminated.

We now return to our regular scheduled Survivor review....

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has no patience for the losers, especially when JWSBJB insists that the reason they keep losing is they subconsciously sabotage themselves whenever they hear the word "Immunity." Jeff lashes into Ib for his "leisurely stroll" out to ear the wood bundles were, then he slams JWSBJB for spending "3 or 4 minutes messing with your skirt." Hee. Ib defends his place in the game, and JWSBJB recants his statements last week that voting should be based solely on how one performs at the last challenge, "It's a waad vratee of things, lahk how well ah lahk ya, an' how well ya listen tuh what I'm sayin, and whether or not yer one uh them Islams." Steph agrees with Jeff that they need a win, fast. "I'd love to win immunity, not only so we wouldn't lose anybody else, but also it'd be wicked awesome to see what Immunity feels like. Plus, I don't want to be the only tribe in Survivor history to never win Immunity, that's be a disgrace." Which kind of reminds me of this interview I saw with KISS, about how they chose to take their make-up off in the early 80's, "Before we became a joke." Steph expresses concern about being the only girl, and the only Yankee left in the tribe (all three of the boys hail from Alabama). Bobby Jon claims to trust his tribe, "If ya don't trust someone, you shouldn't be on a tribe with ,em." They go to vote and it's a tie, 2 votes each for a surprised James and a not-so Ibrehem. In the second vote, Steph swings over and votes out JWSBJB, "Sorry, I had to," she whispers as he leaves. Steph, he's not gonna be on any jury, so don't try so hard not to seem like a bad guy. You sold him out to further your place in the game, it's okay. In fact, most of us are thrilled. James laments that his gut told him he wasn't going home, and his gut let him down, leaving him sad and depressed--damn, everyone's sounding like Lex!

James who should be Jim Bob exits in 12th place. You may remember 12th place from such finishers as Bible-thumping Dirk, Kimmi the rabid vegetarian who stopped bathing, self-enamored Silas, Gabe who thought Survivor was about peace, love and understanding, Stephanie the firefighter who skinny-dipped the first night and then turned into a torpid slug, Jeanne, the tough-talking New Yorker, Michelle....uh...Michelle. Hung around with Shawn and Burton? Well, take my word on it, Michelle was ousted in 12th place in season 7. Last season, Lisa was booted instead of Rory when Ami flipped out over something she inferred into a very innocent comment by Lisa. Man, Ami sucked.

This week, I assume Ibrehem will go out unless the U-Turns win immunity. Hah Hah Hah Ha ha ha ha. I'll stick with Caryn on the other side--maybe items.

Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 10.5 "We coulda really been eating that beef stew right now."

My review this week is gonna be kinda lame because I failed to tape the episode but I thought I was so I didn't take notes while it was on, and I wasn't able to rewatch it and pull quotes, etc. Rats! What's weird is I was sitting right in front of my VCR while it was taping, and it worked fine. I was watching Survivor, so I know it was on the right channel, it just recorded blackness. My theory is I had accidentally changed the VCR channel to 2 or 4? Last week my Internet kept getting hijacked, my watch stopped, my toilet broke---now this!! You'd think I was a member of the U-Turn tribe....

WINNING SUCKS

So, onto the review. The good thing about having to do this particular episode from memory is that it was VERY plot heavy, as opposed to dialogue heavy. Burnett and company finally give us some insight into what's happening over at Er-ror. Greg and Jenn (not the doomed super-couple from All My Children circa the early 1980's, but just to be safe, I don't wanna see Jenn getting on to a jet ski in the near future) are snuggling and smooching ala Jeff and Kim (the doomed U-Turn couple circa two weeks ago). Meanwhile, Willard is doing some hardcore slacking, which is seriously irritating Tom and his gang (Ian, Katie, Greg and Jenn). They wish they could get rid of him, but dammit, they keep winning those Immunities! Coby is very disheartened to be on the outs with the smug power clique, and he especially hates that useless lazy mean Katie is on the ins. But things look up when Greg approaches Coby with a plan to turn the tables on Tom and Ian. Greg and Jenn have a plan to switch sides and joining forces with Janu and Coy--after Willard and Caryn are voted out. Coby is thrilled. Greg is just covering his bases though--he tells us it's just one option that he and Jenn have. This should be alarming to me, since I like Tom and Ian, but that has waned a bit since they've gotten smug. Anytime anybody on Survivor starts taken for granted any sort of pecking order, I start rooting for the underdogs. Also, at some point during this episode (gah! If only I could have rewatched!) we see these little fish LITERALLY jumping out of the water at the shore of Er-Ror's camp (however, the cotton does not appear high) and then we see a shark wiggle it's way onto LAND as he chomps them out of the sky. The mighty hunters of Er-Ror, however, are nowhere to be seen....
LOSING SUCKS EVEN WORSE

The U-Turns get back to camp after voting out Kim, and it's raining so badly that somebody (Bobby Jon or James) decrees that they should all return to that freaky cave they found earlier. Problem is, it's pitch black and they don't have a lantern, but they stumble into the jungle anyway and of course they get lost and start sniping at each other. Angie decides that fumbling around in a bug and animal infested jungle without a light is idiotic, seeing as someone could get hurt or worse, so she returns to camp. most people would call this sensible. James who should be Jim Bob calls her a "quitter."

REWARD LIMERICK

If you want to eat and to learn
than a victory today you must earn
bring up the sake
or things will get rocky
you'll starve and the losing will burn

So, no Immunity for anyone, Jeff announces. Both teams will vote someone out tonight. The winning tribe will go first and eat some stew and root beer and watch the other tribe's Tribal Council. Obviously, the U-Turns are more upset than the Er-Rors, who are actually probably eager to get rid of hammock-dwelling Willard. The challenge is to recover some sake bottles from the ocean floor. Each team sends one member out at a time on this pontoon thing. The rest of the team uses a rope pulley system to propel the player out to where the bottles are and back. First team to get X amount of bottles wins--I don't remember how many bottles (stupid VCR). Both teams do very well. U-Turn pulls slightly ahead, but the tribe is undone when Ibrehem fails utterly in his attempts to dive, perpetuating the Survivor stereotype that black people can't swim. Ian has a little trouble finding the bottles at one point, but this gives U-Turn only a brief flicker of hope, and U-Turn, as expected when something important is on the line, fails.

WILLARD'S GOOD BYES

Well, Willard's ouster is a no-brainer, and he's not upset in the least. "This is a lot harder than I thought it would be, physically," he shrugs, "And also, I don't really like people. I haven't had to talk to people I'm not related to in a really long time." He tells Coby that in order to fit in, he would have had to "shmooze," and he just doesn't do that. I am very wary of people who think being mildly social is "shmoozing." he offers his shorts to Coby, who continues to strut around in his very revealing bikini underpants. Hopefully, we will see him wearing them tonight. Please? Coby encourages his tribe to be good sports at the Reward feast, and not rub it in to the other team. Ian does not agree to this and starts singing a rather self-aggrandizing song about how great it is to win food because now he, Ian, the food-gatherer, does not have to gather food for everyone, like he does every other day. Everyone except Tom seemed pretty unamused. Ian, remember what being the master naturalist and breadwinner got ol' Rupert? A knife in the back and an 8th place finish, just FYI.

IBREHEM STANDS ALONE

The U-Turns are hacked off at Ibrehem for losing the challenge and though he accepts responsibility for today's lost, he's miffed because he wasn't responsible for the 47 previous tribe failures. Even his pal Bobby Jon is considering voting him out tonight. JWSBJB accuses Ibrehem of not having any heart. Funny, I didn't see JWSBJB throwing around the character-flaw accusations when HE was responsible for losing immunity last week.

***THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT***

We interrupt this installment of the Survivor Review to bring you the Chachi and Amber report, as they continue The Amazing Race. We're still in South America--Argentina, to be specific. They have fallen to fifth place because of the 4 hour penalty they incurred in order to dodge eating a bunch of dodgy meat. but that's okay, "Uh like tuh be unduh pressuh," Chachi insists. Team Millionaire is also low on funds because of Rob's compulsive bribing. He (jokingly?) suggests they steal somebody's car who has more gas. Then they get a little lost and we learn that when Rob is sleepy and grumpy, he tends to whine. The pair manages to "stumble upon" the next checkpoint, and Amber beams, "Someone must be looking out for us!" "Ixnay on the ookinglay outway orfay usway!" hisses Mark Burnett from the trunk of their car...Chachi opts to do the gaucho challenge, where the player has to ride a horse and barrel race and spear a ring off a post in under 40 seconds. He's surprisingly at home on the back of a horse, who knew?

They race to the airport. Amber cackles, "The other teams hate us!" Chachi grins, "Dey love us. Dey strivuhn' tuh be like us." The other teams are still overly obsessed with the Survivor couple and the four teams who are ahead of them have a good laugh at the fact that Rob and Amber are going to miss their flight, thanks to Rob's being a schemer and a quitter. And then Chachi and Amber stroll onto the plane, "How's yuh stomach?" Chachi gloats. And God help me, I laughed. I didn't want to root for them, but I thought it was kinda funny that they caught up, and the other teams come off like such whiny babies when they fixate on Chachi and Amber. Run your own race! Plus, my hatred of Ray and Deana has eclipsed any animosity I may have held for the millionaires (I guess I should say millionaire, single, until it's official?).

Well, because they were last on the flight, their baggage is first off the plane, which causes more steam to rise from the other team's ears. The next challenge is to either find a particular island in a delta, or find a particular shipwreck in the same delta. Many teams have mechanical problems, including Chachi and Amber, whose boat takes on much water. Their boat pilot gets them to their destination and back in one piece though, so Rob trades the guy his Boston Red Sox hat for his plain tan cap. Amber and Chachi win YET ANOTHER leg and yet another trip--this one to London. "It's like uh was bahn wi' a lucky horseshoe right up my ass!" Chachi laughs, and who are we to argue?

We now return to this installment of the Survivor Review...

FIRST TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks everyone about the friendships that have developed, and it's all stuff we know: Willard and Caryn, Greg and Jenn, Ian and TOm, Coby and Janu. Katie does not appear to have a special bond with anyone in the tribe, surprise surprise. Coby defends his tribe status as "social butterfly," and tries to dodge Jeff's implication that he may be a schemer who' playing all sides, "Jeff, sssh, I'm just really friendly!" He sings a rousing rendition of "I've gotta be me," as the Er-Rors finally cast their first votes of the game.

Willard goes down in a hail of votes--his out-group pals are too saavy to expose themselves with a sympathy vote. He votes for Katie. Willard finishes in 14th place, where we previously said goodbye to Stacy who sued Mark Burnett, Mad Dog, who charmed us with her singing but was betrayed by pal Tina, Carl the dentist who was felled by the lazy Samboohoo kids, My noble Hunter who was ousted by Chachi and his minions and had moved on to a nice TV hosting career, Jed the dentist who was lazy and good fer nuthin, Daniel who couldn't cross a balance beam, and whiny mopey martyr female boy scout Lill, who returned to the game like something out of a horror movie. Last year, the "fat dudes" took out cute FBI agent Brady because of his age and despite his work ethic.

SECOND TRIBAL COUNCIL

The U-Turns slink in and take their seats to a chorus of "mmmmm, this STEW is SO good--I forgot how GOOD food is!" as the Er-Rors begin to chow down. The U-Turns are by this time too demoralized to say anything beyond how mad and sad they are, which can hardly be called "Intel" for the Er-Rors to glean. Ibrehem is close to tears when he expresses his frustration at being singled out for his failure today, "Everyone's acting like this is about winning stew. Well it's not about the stew, it's about winning the whole thing!" Bless his heart for thinking THAT'S still possible. Well, as if they hadn't been kicked around and beat down enough, Jeff throws them another monkey wrench: The Er-Rors will now go and vote to give somebody on the U-Turn tribe Immunity in tonight's vote. In other words, they will now lose their right to self-determination. Everybody but James who should be Jim Bob gets some votes (gah, stupid VCR, I can't say how many nor who voted for who. We weren't shown every vote though. I remember that Greg voted to save Angie) but Ibrehem wins. Then Jeff dismisses Er-Ror before the vote, which is kind of a rip-off, I thought. I guess they'll see what happened soon enough. Then we get our first tie in a looooong time. Angie receives two votes, from Bobby Jon and JWSBJB, Bobby Jon receives two votes from the girls and JWSBJB receives a vote from Ibrehem. To resolve the tie, Jeff sends them back but now they must vote out EITHER Bobby Jon or Angie, and this time, Angie is out unanimously--gal pal Stephenie does the math and decides not to rock the boat.

Angie finishes in 13th place, the same position where puking Ramona left--the most memorable thing about her ouster to me was she commented that Poor Jenna was her "first white friend" and then they cut to Jenna bitching about Ramona and how she has to be voted out next. Bah, Jenna! 13 was also unlucky for skinny songwriter Mitch, Mother Africa-loving Linda, Chachi's busty "ace in the hole" Sarah, screaming Ghandia, idol-phobic Joanna, smug bully Burton (who also was allowed back by a deranged Burnett) and finally Travis aka Bubba, who ran afoul of Ami's all-girl band last season.

Tonight, eh, I'll stick to my picks form last week until they come true: James for U-Turn, Caryn for Er-Ror. It appears from the commercials that there will be no tribe shake-up, otherwise I would totally be predicting it.

Peace out! Christine :D

Survivor 10.4 "We're Not Going Back to Immunity! Er, Tribal Council!"

Remember, kids, Survivor airs TONIGHT, as in WEDNESDAY, due to March Madness (college basketball).

THE U-TURN PITY PARTY OF DENIAL

As usual, the U-Turns are sitting around lamenting about how they keep losing, and the other tribe still has all it's members. Waaaaaah. Kim decries losing Jeff, "He was the strongest person on the team, and losing him is devastating." Say what? Wimp boy who grinned the entire time he was telling you how he needed to leave because he wasn't at 100% The strongest guy on the team, so long as your not counting ankle strength or strength of character, maybe. I've watched the tape, and he didn't suffer no "serious sprain." I've seen more convincing limps on kids trying to get out of running the mile in middle school. See, those kids know better than to go around smiling and standing on said ankle (that you can barely put any weight on, yeah, right Jeff.) Jeff was a liar and and a coward and a wimp who never appeared to be in any real pain. ANYWAY, getting back to the loser wimps still on the tribe, James who should be Jim Bob and Kim--lazy-ass, good for nothing Kim of all people, agree that the Er-Rors are using (gasp!) strategy to continually beat them, "They're not in shape but the keep kicking our asses." Then James who should be Jim Bob decrees, "Ah'm gonna stomp anyone's ass who lags!" And then Kim sighs, "That is sooo not nice, you ignorant hillbilly, you should try to motivate people, not threaten them, idiot." Sweet Bobby John looks mournfully at the camera and whispers softly, "Our self-esteem is real low. Ah hope we learn somethin' from all this. Raht now, ah don't think we have." Oh Bobby, let Christine give you a hug!

INDECISION AND DIVISION

The tribes receive tree mail, telling them they each have to pick a representative and live with the consequences. Like me, the tribes all suspect that this means a tribe shake-up or swap of some kind, and they're a little nervous. The U-Turns, of course, can't make a decision. I swear, if Steph caught fire, James who should be Jim Bob would stand there saying, "Well...ah don' wanna tell ya what to do...or maybe...mah inclination maht be tuh throw wata on ye, but let me discuss it with th' othuhs, it bein' their wata too an' all." What really happens is James who should be Jim Bob walks over to Steph and says, "We represent...YOU." I assume that he means "nominate." Anyway, Steph is like, "Ack, leadership--must...not...accept...leadership...nor...make...decision." She wants them to pick names out of a hat, "or Kim, you'd be good at it, you could go. Or we could draw straws...I dunno." Kim shrugs, " I dunno either," and then has the nerve to bitch about how no one on her tribe wants to think anything out or make a decision. Well, that was your chance, Kim, to step up to the freaking plate! Ugh, I hate her.

At Er-Ror, almost everyone volunteers to go, despite the risks, but Fireman Tom decrees that Greg is the best choice, "He's our steady man." Mmmm, Greg can be MY steady man ANY day! I know, I'm embarrassing myself. Then Ian says he really wants to do it, and, as Coby humorously relates, he and Caryn and Janu keep saying they want to go while Tom and the others debate, "Should it be Greg or should it be Ian?" There are definite factions on this tribe. Ultimately, Ian is chosen.

REWARD LIMERICK

Regardless of who you have picked
No big deal, that was kind of a trick
But we can't enough stress
how you must be the best
in order to win shelter that kicks

So, Jeff arrives at Er-Ror and Ian reveals he's the representative and everyone waves goodbye as Ian steps into Jeff's boat, but it turns out Ian's just supposed to pick five tools for the team to use to build a bathroom, and he has to choose who sits out (bearing in mind you can't sit out the same people in back to back challenges even though I SWEAR teams have gotten away with it or I don't understand the rule). Ian chooses Jenn, Janu and Coby, who seems relieved. The team learns that the reward for best bathroom is "the most kick-ass Survivor shelter EVER, built by the Survivor crew.

Jeff goes off to find the U-Turns, and they're out fishing. During this segment they're playing the most AWESOME background music ever, sung by what must be the South Pacific's answer to Musical Youth ("Pass the Dutchie"). They catch a tiny fish and Angie says morbidly, "We found Nemo." Jeff gives the group minor props for being out fishing, then asks for their representative, and they all look at one another, and Kim says, 'Uh, are we allowed to ask questions about what this is about before we pick?" Jeff frowns, "Hey, losers, this is why you're losers. PICK SOMEBODY." Bobby Jon picks James who should be Jim Bob, who drawls, "Ah wuzzin trine tuh be no leaduh but it's lucky they picked me otherwise they we wouldn't uh git the raht tools on account uh ah use' tuh build houses." Which is such bullhonky. Ian said a similar thing, that he grew up on a farm and his dad owned a construction company, so that helped, but honestly. An ax to chop wood, a saw to cut it to specification, a hammer to drive in nails...DUH. What would Kim have done, picked five chisels? Don't answer that.

THE GOOFUS AND GALLANT TRIBES

At U-Turn, James who should be Jim Bob alienates the women with his bossiness. He insists, "Ah don' wanna be a leader but someone's gotta do it t' make shore things git done!" Just so long as it's not that uppity black woman, right? Somewhere, Jolanda is watching this tribe's failure and laughing her ASS off. Anyway, Steph wonders if the toilet area is going to be sturdy enough and James who should be Jim Bob comes over and pats her on the head, "Oh HONEY. You silly lil' girl, of carse we're gonna NAIL it." Then he tells Angie that in order to use the nail gun, you have to press down on the handle. Steph complains that JWSBJB is "very fatherly," by which means JWSBJB is "a total jerk," so we know what her issues are. Angie (close your eyes and you swear it's Patricia Arquette talking) fumes, "I use a staple gun at my work every damn day!" But Angie, I thought you were a bartender. "On my FACE, Christine, geez." Oh, okay. Then she goes on to sing a cover of "I am woman" by Helen Reddy, but the power of this moment is undercut when Kim floats over to Steph and says, "Uh, I know the rest of you idiots are like, super-human robots who don't need food, but I really need to eat, I'm like, gonna pass out if I do any work." Steph dispatches her to sew the U-Turn logo onto the shower curtain. JWSBJB complains that Kim is "a little useless." Well, that beats a lot useless...I guess.

Also, I think Tommy Hillfiger's sales of designer underpants may plummet after America sees JWSBJB prancing around in his soiled pair. Hardly the image they want to present, I'm sure: "If you wear Tommy Hillfiger drawers--then you MAHT be a redneck, hee-yuk." Bobby Jon goes out to chop down a tree, and goes into his "crazy place," where he raves about how his whole body and soul is committed to whatever task he endeavors to do, "You gotta want it, you gotta want that tree." Bobby Jon is a coach's wet dream that's for sure. Kim scoffs, "It sucks being on a tribe where everyone's like soooo into working hard and like, doing stuff instead of like thinking about things like I do. I feel like I'm the only smart person on this tribe and everyone else is running around in a circle with their heads chopped off." On the one hand, lah di freaking dah, Kim. On the other hand, JWSBJB tries to see if the staple gun is jammed by pointing it at his eye and clicking it. So, touche, Kim. JWSBJB calls, "Who wants t'sit on th' potty!" and everyone runs away.

Meanwhile, playing Gallant to their Goofus, Er-Ror outshines and outclasses U-Turn in every way. everyone works hard, they come up with a nice design and keep the shower as a separate unit from the toilet. POINT: Willard gives big ups to Ian and Fireman Tom, "If you notice, not a day goes by where they don't make a point of praising every tribe member in front of the entire team. Fireman Tom is indeed a great leader, and our little motor who keeps us moving. Kudos indeed to Tom!" COUNTERPOINT: Caryn is not so thrilled with Tom's leadership, "Tom's always the leader, ALL HAIL KING TOM! Puhleeze. The women can't even throw a stick on the fire without getting PERMISSION from Tom, it's ridiculous and I OBJECT." Now, the "throw a stick on the fire" phrase is the exact same phrase she uses when she confronts Katie, she said something to the effect that she should be able to throw a stick on the fire without Katie making any kind of snarky remark. So clearly, Caryn has an issue about sticks in the fire--though I think the bigger problem is the one that's stuck where the sun don't shine, I'm just saying.

TOILETS, TWO : JUDGEMENT DAY

Jeff arrives at Er-Ror first, bringing Jesse, the hunky Australian production designer. The Er-Ror's have a cute path, a cute sign, and a cool adjustable height feature to their shower, and again, it's located above and separate from the toilet. It's really cool. Katie is confident they'll win, "And we have Rat City, USA here so we really need it." Uh, I think you mean Rat City, PALAU.

Or course, the U-turns aren't even freaking done when Jeff and Jesse get there. They're also all wearing these tunic's and sarongs they've made with the fabric they won, which makes them look like "Star Trek" extras. Man, that show no wardrobe budget at all. Anyway, the structure is clearly not as good as Er-Rors, it's functional, but not very creative (the only "flare" is "For a good time, call Jeff Probst" scrawled on the toilet seat). JWSBJB is supremely confident that they'll win.

Back at Er-Ror, "The glass is half full of something DELICIOUS," Ian muses, "Even if we lose, we have a shower and a toilet!" But of course, they DO win, and celebrate as the Survivor crew pulls ashore and indeed builds the most kick-ass Survivor shelter ever. It has a nice wood floor, a picnic area out side, a hammock inside, another sort of "hang-out" platform--it rules. Ian gushes, "A tarp would've been a good reward--this is a freakin' palace!" The crew leaves the tribe some cold champagne, which leads to dancing and laughing, but no drama. Which, considering Katie's around, is kinda surprising.

Meanwhile, the sun is setting but JWSBJB is still waiting for that Home Depot boat as though it were the Great Pumpkin, "Oh, they'll come. We hayve the most sincere potty in Palau!" When the U-Turns finally accept defeat, JWSBJB is certain that it's only because they hadn't won a reward yet (which isn't true, they won fire then lost it then got it back). James, if there was pity in Survivor, you wouldn't be headed to a fourth straight Tribal Council....

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

Time for a hand-to-hand fight
a test of both wit and of might
you might think that you're tough
but it's gonna get rough
especially if your build is slight

So, the teams are given these pillow things that they'll use to try to push their opponent off a platform with, to keep them from being able to get anyone in a head lock or punch them or whatever. JWSBJB raves, "We're gonna be like wolverines!" Burnett is really turning on the hate, have you noticed? You had the one the week before where everyone was trying to drown one another, now you have this where, pillows or no, people are getting slammed to the ground and knocked around but good. The Er-Rors have to sit out three people--Willard, Ian and Katie. Tom kicks Bobby Jon's ass, but then Steph easily beats Jenn (You know, Jenn. Blond Jenn? Oh, nevermind). Greg defeats Ibrehem but then Angie dispatches Caryn. Then Er-Ror goes on a tear--Coby easily tosses JWSBJB, Janu flicks Kim off the platform like she was a bug (and I SWEAR Kim yelled KOROR, the other team's name...I don't think that was Janu. Oh well.) And then Tom re-kicks Bobby Jon's ass and Er-Ror is only one win away from Immunity. But U-Turn storms back. Steph beats Jenn again, Ibrehem defeats Greg (Ibrehem is the only person to change the outcome of his previous match) and then Angie beats Caryn. It would've been interesting if Kim and Caryn had faced off, and Janu had fought Angie--they would've been fairer fights. Anyway, Angie is pumped and she screams, "We are NOT going back to immunity!" And then she realizes that was dumb and yells, "Tribal Council!" Then she yells something about how it's their turn to face the sorrow of Tribal Council--hey Angie, it's not their fault your team sucks. So it comes down to a climactic batle between JWSBJB and Coby. It's a much longer fight that the first one, JWSBJB is, by definition, scrappy, but Coby is bigger and tougher and Er-Ror wins AGAIN. I guess wolverines must totally suck.

**SPECIAL BULLETIN**

We interrupt this Survivor review for a double shot of the Chachi and Amber report. Sad to say, they're doing very well. Last week, Chachi bribed a security guard to keep some information away from other teams, and when the others found about it, some of them got in his face and he denied it and got all indignant about "don' be callin me uh ly-uh!" And then he winks at the camera, that whole "Ain't I uh little bastard" bit he does, ugh. THEN, he gets other teams to chip in and help him bribe a bus driver to only open the front door so that teams in the back can't get out of the bus for another...5 minutes!? Or something. I mean, this gains him almost nothing, he just likes getting things over on people to prove he's smahtuh den dem. Anyway, Amber shines some shoes in Chile, then they have to stack some books on a hand truck and take them to the library and Amber has to shush Chachi becasue he's probably never been in a library before and they win first prize on the leg and win a trip to the freakin' Bahamas! Ack!

In this week's episode, Chachi said, "Ambuh an' I uh livin' duh American Dream." Funny, I don't wanna be chased around Chile by cameramen, but what do i know? They make it to the next checkpoint and are ticked that all the teams are gonna bunch up--which happens every freaking leg and people on the Amazing Race are always surprised and pissed off. Anyway, they go back to the hotel to get better directions to the next stop, and so does another team, the team of girls who accused Chachi of lying (which he did) so Chachi and Amber steal the girls cab. It has zero effect on the race (the girls do get eliminated, but through their own idiocy). Then they get a cop to escort them to the proper freeway onramp. They're in a hurry to make it to the Yield station before anyone else because they know if anyone gets their first, they'll probably yield them becasue they're MILLIONAIRES. Then they go rafting down a river, and get passed by Lynn and Alex, the witty gay guys. Amber is exhausted by the effort, but sees the plus side, "It was good excersize--I'm getting married soon and I need to be able to fit into my dress." Oh, shut up, you thin little twit.

But then, they have to take part in this disgusting eating roadblock, where one member of the team has to eat four pounds of meat parts. Chachi starts off, but quickly gets sick and then has a stroke of...I'm gonna say it, genius. I mean, he's an evil genius, but a genius nevertheless. Teams can quit, but that means they have to take a four hour time penalty whcih starts as soon as the next team arrives. There are still several teams who haven't shown up, so chachi chooses to quit, then he and Amber work on the other teams and convince two other teams that the task is impossible and they should take the penalty. So now, Chachi and Amber can't be eliminated because the other two teams are behind them. So they finish in the middle of the pack, and Rob doesn't have to eat all that yucky stuff. "Ah found a way tuh plot and scheme in duh Amazin' Race," he boasts. *cue Don Henley* "This is the end ...of the innocence."

We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor Review...

THE BLAME GAME

JWSBJB laments losing to Coby in the wrestling competition. Folks, this why is why I watch reality TV: "Ah feel terrible gittin' mah butt whupped bah uh homuhseshual. But, a lotta gay folk are strong, man. They're all workin' out at the geem 'en all. Damn." Steph and Angie are feeling mightily let down by the men in the tribe. Steph rants, "I've nevuh lost this bad in my whole life--ah'm frickin' embaaarassed." She blames the whole thing on James, even though Bobby Jon's two losses were just as costly. JWSBJB tells Kim, "We're not gonna discuss who we're gonna vote for, we're jes' gonna raht a name down." Then he insists to us that Kim's ouster is a no-brainer. But Steph and Angie ARE using their brains to at least consider booting one of the guys in order to keep the guys from getting a numbers advantage over them. Steph says something about the guys voting them off one by one--which has NEVER happened. Women have banded together to get rid of men, but men have never done so against women. Because most men will never feel physically threatened by women, for one thing. However, all-men or all-women alliances have mainly crumbled because the PEOPLE involved are more interested in alligning with people they like or respect than being true to some silly notion of "gender loyalty." We saw this in the Amazon and in Vanuatu. Anyway, Angie reasons that saving Kim could cost them because she might cost them another challenge becasue she sucks and then they'd still have to vote someone out. Word. Right before Tribal Council, we get this grim exchange:

Steph: "Tide's never this high, what the hell?"
Bobby Jon : "Imagine, something not going our way, you know?"

Kim is meanwhile rolling her eyes and complaining about all those stupid hard-workers she's stuck with, "Bleh! I'm too smart for these morons! This tribe is so lame that they like, never make decisions until the last minute! Bleh!" Oh, honey, they've made their decision, let me assure you.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The U-Turn's file in and Jeff smirks, "I saved your seats from last time, LOSERS." Then he does the math, "We've had seven challenges, and you've won two--and one of them was for that stupid sewing kit. I think this is the worst losing streak in Survivor history! Christine, can you confirm this?" "Well Jeff, it's technically a tie. In the Marquesas, The Maraamu tribe also lost four straight challenges, though there was a tribe shake-up in between. However since all four people who lost were on that tribe originally, I'd have to call this a tie. And I'd also like to note that ultimate winner Vecepia was on that loser tribe for it's first three Tribal Councils." "Thanks for taking the wind out of my sails, Christine." "You're dating Julie! JULIE! AGH!" After security escorted me out, Steph reiterates that she's never lost this badly at anything in her entire life. "I don't know whethuh to flip owwt, scream, cry or what!" "Any of those would make great reality television," Jeff reminds her. Bobby Jon takes responsibility for the team's suckitude, and Jeff tries to get them back on point, "No, no, it's not you, it's Kim. Kim, when you go fishing, who fishes?" "Uh. We all go out, but Bobby Jon and Jim Bob totally Rupert the Hawaiin Sling." "Who's Jim Bob?" "I meant James, but he should be Jim Bob." "That may be true...but what do you do when they're fishing?" "Uh, we sit on the boat." "How useful is that?" "Uh, look Jeff. Steph and I couldn't row the boat out in the big bad ocean all by ourselves, we'd get exhausted and lost--we're just girls!" Steph and Angie insists that even though they rely on the men, they could be self-sufficient if they had too. Angie chirps that the men don't think she's "as wieldly" with the machete as they are. Personally, I wouldn't question her skill with sharp objebcts but I'm not sure I trust her with the English language. Bobby Jon gives the ladies their due respect, saying, "These women are as strong or stronger than a man and if Kim can go use that sling and kill us a bear, I want her too!" Uh, wrong show about people stuck on an island, Bobby Jon. JWSBJB says he's embarrassed to have lost his fight to a "hairdresser," wink wink, but gives Coby props, "That boy raht thar's got some ASS behind him." Er...at least...I think those were props. Jeff restates that the women have been carrying the tribe--which is true of the last competition, but clearly not true of camp life. Kim chimes in, "If we had stronger men with burning passion and control of that passion, then maybe I could sit on my ass all day and we'd win some immunities so I'd get to sit out a challenge or two as well!"

Kim is eliminated 5-1, she votes for JWSBJB. Kim finishes in 15th place along with hard-working BB who would've hated her, Kel who Jeff Probst thinks WASN'T framed for smuggling beef jerky, Jessie the puking Latina sheriff, Tanya the puking white girl, Janet who was accused of smuggling some sort of power bar, Nerd Ryan who gave 100% but not 150% or whatever the hell it was Andrew wanted, and that mouthy bitch Mia who tangled with Twila and lost.

Tonight: Looks like both teams will lose somebody--Survivor did this last season, where we lost JP and Mia. If there's no shuffle, I predict James goes for U-Turn and Caryn for Er-Ror. Remember, Survivor is on Wednesday tonight and next week! :o

Peace
Christine :D

Survivor 10.3 "We Hit the Shallows, We Dash."

Notice: This week's installment of the Chachi and Amber report has been delayed because I can't watch the episode of The Amazing Race until this weekend....

KIM IS AN IDIOT

Okay, now for the reason anybody's who's actually reading this is reading this. DId anyone notice that the crab at the beginning seemed to disco dance across the screen ala John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever." I think he was auditioning. Or maybe he was just doing the hustle in an effort to flee the bitching and moaning of the U-Turns, who can't believe how mean Jeff Probst was to them--uh, have they watched the show, one, and are they aware that they're a bunch of losers, two? Kim in particular plays the martyr, grumbling, "Uh, am I even like, ALLOWED to be back here with Jeff or will everyone think we're making out or whatever and like being an alliance!? Jeff Probst is OBNOXIOUS!" She later tells us that everyone was "con-JURING" something that wasn't there and she'd be a hell of a lot more convincing if she'd, you know, quit making out Idiot Jeff on camera. James who should be Jim Bob doesn't care for Kim, "SHe's a whoman, an' all she has t' her avanage is her seshuality." Damn he bugs. THen he claims that Idiot Jeff and Kim can't slip anything past him because he has "ear like a bat." Or "ears like a ferret?" "Ears like Boba Fett!?" I honesty have no idea. James who should be Jim Bob is very Big Tom-esque. *shudder*

ER-ROR FINALLY BUILDS A NEW SHELTER

After huddling under some leaves for apparently DAYS, Tom and company set out to build a new shelter. Coby tells us that the bummer about always winning immunity is you can't get rid of anyone and the next scene seems to indicate that he's gotta be talking about either mouthy Katie or mouthy Caryn--I'm not crazy about either of them, to tell the truth. Coby also strolls around in very very revealing bikini underpants, it's quite unfortunate. His once-friend Angie is his other-tribe soul mate on this because I swear she's wearing an eyepatch over her crotch--also unfortunate. Anyway, Katie watches other people work on the shelter and surmises, "Someone's gotta climb up there to finish the roof--and it sure as hell won't be me." Hey, now, that's U-Turn talk. Caryn is displeased, "Katie is...not outspoken, I'M outspoken and that's a GOOD thing...mo she's uh...tart. She's talking all the time about every little thing and she's always telling me what to do!" So, she goes down to the water, and loudly but privately tells Katie off for bossing her around and for her sarcastic comments, and Katie just kind of laughs in her face and Caryn storms off. without letting Katie get a word in so Katie storms up to the campfire and tells Caryn in front of everybody, "It wasn't personal before, I was just annoying you the same way I annoy everyone else I come in contact with, but NOW, now lady, it's personal!" caryn doesn't care because she thinks Katie won't talk to her anymore and that's good, but she knows it may bite her come Tribal Council if they lose Immunity.

REWARD LIMERICK

to win this here kit for the sewing
then you'd best be real good at some towing
you gotta be strongest
and maybe the wrongest
but beware of the feeling you're sowing

So, the reward is like, the lamest reward ever, a sewing kit and some fabric. I mean, it's basically more work to do, and didn't those lucky bastards in the Pearl Islands get an actual sewing MACHINE? I guess they'd lose all that "toughest Survivor EVUH" mojo if they gave them an actually device. Nobody at Er-Ror seems surprised that Ashlee's gone. Anyway, the challenge is a rough one, where tow people battle to grab a life ring in the water, hang onto it and drag it to their pontoon while the other person does the same. Jeff says the rules are "No hitting, and no intentionally doing anyone any harm." Except you can totally sit on someone and make them drown and that's cool. Idiot Jeff bests Noble Tom, Steph beats up on this girl names Jen on Er-Ror who's yet to be interesting but I swear she exists and Jeff leers, "A good old-fashioned cat fight!" Oh, goodie, you know how I can stand those new-fangled MODERN cat fights. Then Bobby Jon and Angie team up to defeat Janu and Greg.

LET BOBBY JON DO IT

The U-Turns get back to their island and pick through the sewing kit trying to find things to use for anything but sewing because sewing is work and they don't DO that at U-Turn. Steph holds up a jar of buttons and is all, "Um...we could put like, something else in here." Oy. I thought Angie might make her own clothes, she has that vibe, but she seems as confused as everyone else because she continues to traipse about with her nipples and what not popping out of her non-existent clothes. Okay, I love Bobby Jon. I know he can be kinda crazy sometimes, but man is he cute, and sweet, and soft-spoken (when he's not hitting himself and yelling at sandbags) and strong and hard-working. He's also waaaay co-dependant, and doing all the work for his tribe. "Ah'm very disappointed in mah trahb," he shrugs, "But ah'd rathuh do somethun' mahself then have uh meetin' about it--that' jes' a waste a' time." He thinks Kim is especially lazy and good-for-nothing and Kim isn't a fan of his either, "Bobby Jon is playing the whole "I do all the work and feed you and shelter you" card, but a fat lot of good all his work will do if he gets too tired to make-up for my inadequacy at the next challenge and we lose. It'll be all his fault, stupid hard-worker!" Man, Kim sucks.

MOTHER, MAY I PLAY WITH DANGER?

Best. TV movie title. Ever. And it makes a good chapter heading for the Er-Rors, who go after some deadly snakes and some deadly sharks. Aquaboy Ian uses the machete to lop of the heads of four highly-poisonous sea snakes, and of course, the sweetheart apologizes to them--he's adorable, I tell ya. But Ian, the sea snakes would NOT apologize for killing you so don't sweat it. Anyway, the tribe then hangs the snake carcasses over the water to dry which attracts some sharks, and Tom and Ian cut up their snakes to bait the sharks and then fruitlessly attack the sharks with blunt sticks, ("Oh my friggin' gosh," Ian says as a shark brushes his legs) so they lose all their snake meat and don't gain any shark meat. That's GOTTA be and Aesop's Fable. At least they had fun.

ATTACK OF THE PHANTOM COCONUT

That night, Idiot Jeff goes out to pee in the ocean, and he allegedly steps on a loose coconut and "rolls" his bum ankle. It's all very suspicious if you ask me. The next day he tells his team and says he'll just take it easy for the next few days until the next challenge, but then they get tree mail informing them that the next challenge is today. He seems very chipper for a guy who's allegedly in agony. Also, Bobby Jon fashions a loincloth for himself, looking almost as Biblically hubba-hubba as Ethan did in Africa. Almost.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

in order to win this hard race
you need to be setting the pace
if you fall behind
fate won't be kind
and it's back to the voting-off place

Jeff notes Idiot Jeff's limp and Jeff spins his tale about the coconut and his poor ankle. Several of the Er-Ror's react in genuine sympathy, even though you KNOW if the coconut was under the other foot, Idiot Jeff would be over there laughing at the wounded person. The Challenge is something new and totally cool, a race where the whole team is linked to one another and racing around a quarter-mile (or so) course. They start an equal distance away from each other and must catch the other team. Everyone carries a 20lb backpack. Anyone can opt out at any time, but their backpack must then be carried by another tame member. Janu and Jen (again, not making her up) sit out and watch Idiot Jeff and Caryn quickly opt out, followed by Kim who is soon joined by Angie. Kim sits sobbing in the ocean and Angie comforts her. Katie is out. Steph is the only girl of any real stamina in the contest, and hangs in with the boys for quite a spell. As everyone drops out, Fireman Tom and Bobby Jon carry most of the load for their respective teams. Tom leads his team "We hit the shallows, we dash." At the end, it's just Ian, Tom and Greg who beat Bobby Jon, Ibrehem and the impressive Steph. She may be two-faced, but she's tough.

STOP THE SURVIVOR, I WANT TO GET OFF

Back at the island, Idiot Jeff smiles and says, "Uh, you guys, I know myself, and my ankle is part of myself, and it's like hurting. You guys should vote me out." Everyone argues that he should give it a few days to see if it gets better but he insists, "No, no, no, you don't understand, I KNOW it won't get better, like ever! I can't put any weight on it without cringing my teeth, whatever the hell that means, and every time I stand on it, I feel like a tear's gonna come out of my eye, except it doesn't because I'm not a pussy." He tells the team they have no other option, because he's useless.

The team's not sold on that idea, they want to hold him hostage, much the way the ladies in the Amazon did when Shawna begged to be voted out and they said no dice. Most of the tribe feels that Idiot Jeff could be missing both his legs and still out perform worthless and whiny Kim. "His weakness is our strength," Bobby Jon blathers. The only one who wants to abide by Jeff's wishes (besides beneficiary Kim) is Angie, who thinks Kim might start to pull her weight once Jeff isn't around to distract her. I'm not sure if she kinda bonded with Kim when she was comforting her during the Immunity Challenge, or if she recognizes weak Kim as a great insurance policy against eviction when (er, I mean IF) they lose immunity yet again. Bobby Jon tells her he wants Kim out, and they spy Idiot Jeff gleefully halving coconuts with one swoop of the machete, while Kim hangs all over him and coos, "Oooh, Baby, you are soooo strong!" Later, Kim stands around doing nothing and fretting about how vulnerable she is. Well, then freaking DO SOMETHING USEFUL, Kim. Uck, she's awful.

ANOTHER BORING TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff is just plain sick of this and snaps, "So, it must be pretty frustrating to be such a bunch of losers, huh? And don't bring up the sewing kit, we all know that was a white elephant." Ibrehem insists they only lost because Jeff was injured, while Bobby Jon reveals he has a bit of a man-crush on Fireman Tom, "We lost because one man, a man among men, single-handedly whipped us." Ibrehem respectfully disagrees. Then Steph tells Host Jeff that Idiot Jeff told everyone to vote him out because of his allegedly busted ankle, and Host Jeff frowns, "Jeff, you're smiling while she's saying tis--what the hell is your problem?" Idiot Jeff grins, "Well Jeff, I've always considered myself a team player--I'm very proud of that. My ankle--this is the same ankle I hurt last year? I busted it and it was a deathful [sic] thing for me and for my team as well. Anyway, it's not gonna get any better, I can tell you that right now and--" Jeff interrupts with an annoyed, "What's your POINT?" "Uh, I can't help my team and they'd be better off with out me!" Jeff shakes his head, "You're a disgrace to the Jeff name. Okay, who else on this tribe is a total loser? Kim, you're rolling your eyes a lot, what the hell is YOUR problem?" Kim sighs, "I just know that SOMEBODY is gonna say I'm like, lazy or something, but it's really hard to be on like, the workaholic tribe when you're like, not good at stuff, okay? I mean, Bobby Jon is like freaking Tarzan, okay? ANd I like, can't compete with that. Plus, I hate how we're always losing the challenges. I am SO sick of being here!" At this point, you can't even hear the dialogue over the din of so much eye-rolling. She continues, "Our tribe has for some reason manifested itself as a tribe where the strong stay and the weakest go." Uh. Yeah, that's a radical concept. Jeff sends them to vote.

Idiot Jeff gets his wish and is voted out, and his semi-convincing limp prevents Jeff from shaming him the way he did when Osten quit. He finishes in 16th place, which used to be last place before the Expansion Era. Previous 16th placeholders are ukulele Sonya, harsh Deb, Diane who ate the beans with Clarence and lied about it, Peter who talked too much about his bowel movements, Pastor John who was too officious, Ryan who came to flirt with girls and then got stuck on an all-guy tribe, Nicole who targeted Tijuana and paid the price and last year's drippy JP.

Tonight: Looks like a shake-up, which hopefully won't punish any of my faves (Tom, Ian, Bobby Jon). If it does, what can I say, Survivor is a cruel mistress.

Peace Out!

Christine :D

Survivor 10.2 "We're Americans. And We're Gonna Do Democracy."

Nope, I'm not quoting the President, I'm quoting James Who Should be Jim Bob.

HELL IS FOR ER-ROR.

I'm hyphenating Er-ror so it's a real pun of Koror, you kind of have to read it the way a robot might say it. Anyway, the new island that Er-ror chose sucks, it's infested with sassy fearless rats, it's raining, and their fire kit is still at the bottom of the ocean. About the rats, Janu shudders, "They say it's mind over matter, but I mind and it matters." Word to your mother, Janu. Lawyer Caryn decides that the blame game would be a nifty way to pass the time, "You think there could be a worse island than this--and remember, you're under OATH!" Fireman Tom shrugs, "Sure. why not?" Caryn insists, "For the record, I was not in favor for moving to the new island and we should have had a vote and we didn't and everything's terrible and let the evidence show, none of it is my fault!" Well, the noise level and negativity of the new island can be traced back to you, Caryn, sheesh. Tom insists that he didn't want to pick the new island but then he heard several others insist they choose the new adventure, since the old island was almost out of coconuts. But was it other tribesmen, or just those mysterious whispery voices? Oh wait, wrong show about people stranded on an island. Tom and Caryn agree that everything should be voted on in the future and then it seriously looked like Caryn called a vote about whether they should stay or leave the new island even though that's not a choice, or she was trying to establish who all wanted to got to the new island--neither of which makes much sense. Caryn has annoyed most of her tribe, especially Katie, who says of the decision to move, "Oh well, we're here, get over it." That'd look real nice embroidered on a pillow.

DEMOCRACY IN INACTION

At U-Turn, everyone's so excited to have bossy Jolanda gone that they celebrate by doing nothing. James Who Should Be JimBob boasts, "We're not gon' falla uh leader," as everyone stands around agreeing not to do any work until they feel like it. "We're Americans, and we're gonna do democracy. Also we're lookin' intuh some sort uh subsidy program, whereby CBS pays us NOT to fetch water nor improve ar'n shelter." As they look ahead to the next challenge, Angie is very aware that she's gotta prove her value to the tribe or else.

REWARD LIMERICK

there once was a girl with tattoos
whose language was full of boo hoos
but she turned it around
what a way to rebound
and assured that her team wouldn't lose

The Er-rors see that Jolanda is missing, and some seem shocked, while others nod as if to say, "Yup she was bossy and/or old." The Er-rors cop to the fact that they capsized and lost their fire box. I wouldn't have, I would have been all, "Everything's fine, Jeff, we've been eating fried shark, mmmmmmm mmmm!" I think maybe they were hoping for sympathy or that there was some kind of warranty. Idiot Jeff cackles with glee at the bad news and when my Jeff asks him about it, he grins, "I just enjoy the pain and humiliation of others Jeff, it's why I'm here." Ian shrugs it off, "No worries, we've got our backs to the wall but we're gonna come on strong!" Apparently, Ian doesn't remember that the Bad News Bears lose the climactic big game in the movie. ANyway, the reward is for a mask, swim fins, an a Hawaiian sling. When he hears of this, Rupert comes crashing through the jungle bellowing, "Jeff, yer not suppose tuh give away muh sling! Arrrr!" But Jeff calms him down and continues to explain, "U-turn will win flint if they win, while Er-ror can't because they already won it, even though they lost it, losers." Every time Jeff says something about the reward, James Who Should be Jim Bob chimes in, "Oh, hail yeah!" "Ah luuve you, Jeff." "You da man!" He's very annoying.

The challenge is...wait for it....an OBSTACLE COURSE! They have to run across these barrels that are spinning, then across some beams, and a rope bridge in order to bring back flags while two people from each team try to nail them with swinging sandbags--naturally, mean Idiot Jeff volunteers to hurt people. Neither team does much in regards to the sandbags--Ian was the only person who I saw get knocked off the course. It's all about hustle and the surprise superstar is Angie, who kicks butt. Unlike Katie, who can't even manage to get ON the course until Willard coaches her. At one point, Bobby Jon gets hit by a sandbag and throws it back shouting, "Get that thing off of me!" Later he celebrates getting over a treacherous part of the course by hitting himself in the face--yeah, the committed Christian is, of course, like many a character in many a war movie before him, totally crazy. Although actually, i think Ibrehem is the only guy on U-turn who isn't totally crazy. The U-Turns win in a 10-2 bloodbath. Ian screws up his face and yells, "Wait until next year!" and then the 1812 overture starts playing.

FISHING FOR FOOD

The U-Turns are suitably pumped about their victory, and everyone gives Angie must deserved props for how well she did in the challenge. Crazy bobby Jon admits that he was to quick to judge her, which is good of him to say, so I'll say it to. Angie was very impressive, and also not irritating this week, perhaps I was quick to judge her too. Idiot Jeff and Bobby Jon go fishing and catch some really tiny fish, so they gather up some giant clams to go with it. Idiot Jeff smiles, "I thought it was awesome how the other team lost their fire and don't have a spear. I hope they starve to death and I hope they never find their stupid flint!" Well, nuts to you Idiot Jeff, because they DO.

FISHING FOR FIRE

Most of the Er-ror's are at sea, looking for the lost flint box. Watching on the shore is Caryn and Coby, who bitch and moan from the shore about how they think the others are looking in the wrong place, even though they're TOTALLY in the right place and they find the box! It's rough going as the sea is choppy, but thanks to Aquaman's nerdy little brother Ian and Tom the super awesome fireman, they're able to reclaim the box. Ian tells us, "Even though we lost the challenge, it really felt like we won the day!" I heart Ian.

We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you...

THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT

Yes, Chachi and Ambuh, former Survivor All-Stars are still together, still planning to get married (probably on TV, no joke) and now they've embarked on "The Amazing Race." And oh yes, they still hella bug. In the first episode, Chachi raves about their "profound friendship," um, yeeeah. Profound isn't a word I'd use to describe either of them unless it was followed by "ly overexposed" (have you sen them on TV Guide? On Modern Freaking Bride?). On the Amazing Race, for those who don't watch, two-player teams race around the world for a million dollars, and the last team to arrive at that episode's checkpoint is usually eliminated (sometimes nobody is, and it's usually when a team you hate finishes last). Anyway, Chachi and Amber start the race in last place due to dawdling, and then Chachi suggests they stop to eat, "Ah'm stahvin. Dis ain't suhvivuh, yuh ken eat en heuh." Amber, who probably weighs 115 lbs. soaking wet, chirps that she's looking forward to losing some weight. Bitch. Then when they get to LAX, Boston Rob tries to get the shuttle to leave before the old couple get on. People always try to get shuttles to leave people behind in the first leg, and it never ever matters.

Chachi mentions Survivor every ten minutes or so, but then again, those couples that go on the amazing race to prove to themselves that they can get through anything and belong together also say THAT every ten minutes on every Amazing Race ever, so I guess I can't complain to much. They are there because they're reality show celebrities. Everyone seems to want them to lose, and who can blame them since they have 1.25 million dollars between them in Survivor prize money. When they get to their first destination, Lima, Peru, (damn that's a lot of commas) their celebrity pays off when some guy, probably a psychotic stalker who wants to keep them in a giant jar in his basement, offers to lead them to the first clue box. We later learn his name is Craig, and Craig gets a bus driver to not stop to pick up any of the locals who are waiting for a lift home--in your FACE, poor hard-working Peruvians! Patrick, a young gay man who's competing alongside his mother, declares that Boston Rob is "as dumb as a rock." Well, he's clever like a rock, because he and Amber manage to go from worst to first in a matter of hours. They take a zip line across a huge gorge, schlep some heavy baskets to a local village and find themselves befriended by Patrick and mom Sharon, but Patrick claims it's only so they can lay a trap and betray them (something that doesn't really happen in Amazing Race that much). Anyway, Rob and AMber's taxi gets stuck in traffic at the end of the leg, and they wind up having to help push a broken down bus out of the way. THis boots them out of first place, which is good because the first place team won 10 Grand each, and I think the other teams would have thrown them off the giant gorge had that happened. They finish the leg in a very respectable third place. I think all the teams would do well by themselves if they stopped focusing on Rob and Amber and just played their own game.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT SURVIVOR...

THe U-Turns have a clambake, well...I guess it's more of a clam cook. They eat the tiny fish and the giant clams and some seaweed and everyone oohs and aahs except Ashlee, who demurs, "You guys, I usually only eat every 6 or 7 days or so, so I am TOTALLY not hungry...if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into the shelter and pass out." Bobby Jon points out that she's not only weakening the tribe with her, er, weakness, she's also hurting her position in the tribe by isolating herself socially. He may be crazy, but he's pretty wise. Idiot Jeff and Kim, who looks kinda like a young Olivia Newton John, continue to snuggle together at night, causing suspicion. Angie wonders, "I don't know if they're both cold, or if Kim's trying to play him the way Amber did Boston Rob, but a two-person alliance is a REALLY strong alliance!" No, it isn't.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

to win, you will have to dive deep
if you fail, the penalty's steep
because if you struggle
to unleash your puzzle
you may be the one they don't keep

Jeff tells the gang that they must swim out to a floating platform. The whole tribe must be at the platform before they can start diving. Then they dive down 10 feet and pull a trunk across the ocean floor 50 feet. When they get it past the 50 foot mark, they can open it, releasing 8 old army mess kits with Morse code on them, which spell a word. They were all given Morse code with their poem so hopefully they learned it. When he tells them about the diving part, the Er-rors raise their hands, "Jeff, can we be excused? We did this already today." No dice, and the race begins. Willard is a slow swimmer, so the U-Turns get off to a big head start. But it doesn't matter because they're exceedingly wimpy when it comes to swimming, especially against Aquaboy Ian and Fireman Tom, who is amazing--amazing I say! The U-Turns can't seem to move the trunk at all--though at least most of them TRY, unlike Kim, who just clutches the platform for dear life. The Er-rors get 30 ft. lead on the U-turns and free their mess-kits, and are easily able to unscramble them to spell "Immunity" (Uh, how obvious a choice was THAT?). They win while the U-Turns are still futilely floating in the distance. Stephenie pounds the ocean in frustration, "Stupid Ocean!"

HERE COMES THE SYMBOLIC RAIN AGAIN

The U-Turns arrive at their island and Ashlee tries to explain how demoralized they all are, but her voice is so annoying I just blocked it out--thank goodness she's not long for the game. But they have no shelter for the fire (because no one thought of it, or someone DID but they didn't want to offend anyone by suggesting it needed to be done) so they take the embers to a freaky, mysterious cave, and they're never seen again. Just kidding, Vincent Price shows them the way back out. At the cave, Steph and James and Angie discuss eliminating Kim, who didn't do jack at the last challenge and is tooclose to Idiot Jeff. James Who Should be Jim Bob assures us, "Kim is gone, oh yes fer SURE." Then he STUPIDLY goes to Idiot Jeff and tells him that "Psychologically, sociologically, Kim is a THREAT and she should go." Yes, he really used those words--correctly, I might add. Idiot Jeff is unthrilled with the plan, "Uh, I was thinking we'd dump Ashlee. She's totally breaking down. Plus, she doesn't make-out with me at night." Then he complains to us, "James don't tell me what to do! We're the tribe with no leaders, man! That's just not right!" Bobby Jon feels that Kim and Ashlee are almost equally useless, but Ashlee seems weaker, and he wants to vote her out. Stephanie lobbies hard for Kim, "We have to break up the couples!" Bobby Jon sighs, "Steph, this ain't Big Brother, relax!" Steph retorts, "They're gonna be unstoppable, like Rob and Amber form the All-Stars! We won't be able to stop them! Waaaah!" Steph then chats with her victim of choice, Kim, as though nothing's afoot. She was just as breezily two-faced with Jolanda last week. She tells Kim she's afraid there might be a tie. "Between who?" Kim asks innocently. "Uh...Between you and Ashlee." "Says who?" "Um...er. some people. You know...uh, Gilligan and the Skipper, that crazy French woman...it's kind of a consensus." Kim demands James Who Should be Jim Bob tell her if she's the one leaving, and he does this cheesy winky thing. Man, is he odd.

MOST BORING TRIBAL COUNCIL EVER

Jeff kicks off the meeting by giving Angie a trophy for Most Improved Survivor, and a 15$ Target gift card, which she can use after the game. Kim gets all weepy when describing how close they've all gotten in such a short time--yeah, and the others were SOOOO broken up about booting you earlier, Kim. NOT. Jeff gets Idiot Jeff to babble about his snuggle buddy Kim, "Honestly Jeff, we just make out, it's no big deal. I just HAPPEN to be getting to know Kim better than the other girls. At least, I'm pretty sure. It's pretty dark out here at night." Kim agrees, "It is utterly MEANINGLESS, we're just really cold and slutty." Everyone votes, and almost everyone votes for Ashlee. Ibrehem votes for Kim out of loyalty to Ashlee, who picked him to be on the tribe in the first place, which is really kinda sweet. Ashlee votes for Jeff, who votes for her saying, "I'm a man of my word, and plus you bug the hell out of me." I hate agreeing with Idiot Jeff, whom I loathe, but Ashlee bugged the hell out of me, the one time she tried to really talk. Jeff gets all Yoda on them, "Goal you must get, mmmm? Then your energy you must harness!"

Ashlee laments not using the cold as an excuse to cuddle with beefy Ibrehem. She joins last season's sweet sheep farmer Dolly in being ousted in 17th place. Next up: Sharks, Idiot Jeff gets hurt, and Katie and Caryn throw down.

Peace!

Christine :D