Survivor 10.6 "We really can't afford to lose anybody else. For real."

THE GRIPES OF WRATH

The U-Turn tribe is reminding me of the Joad's from "The Grapes of Wrath," in part because of their bad luck and hardship, plus 3 out of four of them have those country accents. This was never more so than last week, when they brought all their belongings to Tribal Council, in the desperate hope of finding a better life over at Er-Ror. But a merge was not to be. Also not to be, Ibrehem's ouster. He is grateful to still be around, while Steph and James Who Should Be Jim Bob are ticked. Steph vows, "I'm voting him out next time, and I'm not changing my mind," proving that she lies to herself just as much as she does to everyone else. They have a team meeting, where Steph and JWSBJB insist they keep losing because nobody's listening enough. Um. Okay. Steph insists, "We need to win next time. We really can't afford to lose anybody else. For real." Thank you, Captain Obvious. JWSBJB jumps all over Ib's (pronounced Eeb) case and blames him for the loss. His words echo in the night because there are so few bodies around the camp fire to absorb the sound. Ib keeps his cool, while Bobby Jon steams over singling anyone else, "Win as a team, lose as a team." I think Bobby Jon may have smuggled in a "Sports Cliche Quote-A-Day" calendar, and I'm stunned he's yet to refer to giving something more than 100%. The next morning, we learn than Ibrehem is a practicing Muslim, who prays every morning. I'm certain Muslim Survivor fans went "Oh Shit," the same way I did when I saw Bobby Jon profess his Christianity on the promos for this season. Although Bobby Jon hasn't humiliated himself yet, he is veering into "Sincere Christian who Goes Psycho" territory, like that sniper in "Saving Private Ryan."

KATIE'S KRAFT KORNER

At Er-Ror, everyone's rejuvenated from that yummy beef stew, and the whole tribe sets about to improve their shelter, even though they have the most kick-ass shelter even built. Well, except for one person. Coby tells us, "Camp Koror had craft day--well, just Katie, everybody else was working. She didn't hunt, she didn't do nuthin' but she made necklaces, God love her." Heh, I don't care how conniving he is, Coby's a keeper. An oblivious Katie tells us, "I'm surprised at how easy it's been, I'm like, not tired at all. I thought it would be way harder than this but I'm able to braid at a pretty vast clip and stay refreshed!" Caryn scoffs, "It appears Katie's just here to entertain. Let the record show that she sings songs and tells jokes. But ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let me put the question to you: what role does she fulfill." Uh, camp clown, I guess. Cut to Katie and several other tribe members doing a mean anti-U-Turn sock puppet show (I'm pretty sure it's Ian and Coby back there with her.) One of the guys mocks Angie, "I'm Angie and I can smell the beef stew, boo hoo," Katie cackles, "I'm Bobby Jon, I love everybody and I look like Jesus Christ!" Greg and Jenn laugh from their smug hammock. I hate these guys.

REWARD LIMERICK

If you want some chips, well then, shoot
No really, a gun is the way to the loot
If your aim is true
you'll muddle through
and give your own horn a big toot

U-Turn wins with the tree mail because they only have to split the one pringle four ways, while the Er-Rors have to split it 8 ways. The challenge is a straight forward target practice game, where they have to use a gun to shoot out 8 tiles in order to win pringles and Mai-Tai's and a swim with some stingless jellyfish. The U-Truns win 8-7. Here's the scoring breakdown for Er-Ror: Greg 3, Caryn 2, Coby 1 and Tom 1. For U-Trun: Steph 4, Bobby Jon 2, Ibrehem 2 and James 0. Or as Jeff says, "James, you're o-fer!" Hee. As in, Oh for 4. Fortunately, Steph carries the day. She may be a liar, but she's truly the MVP of the team in terms of challenges.

TRIVIAL PURSUITS

The U-Turns drink their mai-tai's and eat their Survivor Trivia pringles. They do very well on the questions--I'm telling you, I gots to get me some of those Survivor chips. I'm glad it's not Survivor Doritos. Afterwards, they go to this lagoon and snorkel with the stingless jellyfish and bask in the thrill of victory and the wonder of God's creation. They're happy! They're strong! They're Winners! But they're U-Turn, so of course, it doesn't last.

JANU ZOO REVUE

A horrible storm hits Er-Ror. Presumably, it hits U-Turn too, but Survivor doesn't care, so I guess neither should we. Everyone gets shaken-up by the wind and rain, especially Janu, who is still fragile and weepy the next morning. Fireman Tom gives her a pep talk, saying the storm scared him, and that he misses his family too. He tells her this is one bad day, and she'll have better ones, but she insists she doesn't have the strength to go on. He tells her, "You've already gotten past your fear of having an early exit, ya gonna make it to duh merge, ya gonna make the jury--and it duh rest of us aren't careful, we're all gonna be on YOUR jury." Tom rules. Meanwhile, Mean katie sniffs, "Janu is like TOTALLY losing it, what a drama queen." Katie sucks.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

secure this here trunk with these ropes
inside it are all of your hopes
if your efforts should fail
you'll weep and you'll wail
and be on the tribe full of mopes

Yeah, that was pretty bad. They can't all be winners. Of course, Er-Ror might argue with me on that score. So the challenge is, each team's tribe flag is in the other teams trunk, and the teams have to secure the trunk with knotted ropes so the other team can't get their flag out to fly it. James Who Should Be Jim Bob tells his tribe, "Whin ah wuz in the Navy, I learnt me how to tah uh magic know thet no one'll be able tuh evuh un tah." So the U-Turns believe him, and are very confident as they head into the challenge. When they get to the beach, they learn they'll have 20 minutes to swim out and recover some bundles of wood to build a fortress around their hearts--er trunks, sorry, Sting got in their somehow. I'm surprised that JWSBJB didn't insist they didn't need the wood, what with his magic Navy knot. Er-ror is fielding Ian and the scrubs, Janu, Jenn and Katie, who can't warm the bench because they sat out the last challenge (I think it must mean back-to back challenges in terms of episode, because people have certainly sat out Immunity, and then the next week's Reward). James gets distracted by his skirt, and futzes with it while his team swims out to get the wood. Once on shore, both teams build the piles of wood over the trunks, and then they switch sides and try to get their trunk open. Janu and Steph uses their teeth to try to loosen the ropes--I'm convinced that dentists just DON'T watch Survivor. Anyway, the magic Navy knot is easily undone by Ian and the scrubs, and yes, U-Turn is headed back to Tribal Council.

COME BACK TO THE FIVE AND DIME, BOBBY JON, BOBBY JON

Ib is determined to vote out the worst player--James Who Should Be Jim Bob . Steph frets about a tie, but James assures her that Bobby Jon will never vote for him (the cynic in me wonder if this believe is based on race). James Who Should Be Jim Bob tells us with a bigot grin, "Ib has overstayed his welcome. He was meant to go the last time, and by the grace of Allah *snicker* he didn't. Welp, my God says he is today." I think maybe James Who Should Be Jim Bob should follow his own advice about needing to be a better listener, because it turns out, that's not what any god is saying tonight, turns out. Bobby Jon has gotten it into his pretty little head that Angie and James Who Should Be Jim Bob voted for him last time, instead of Steph and Angie. This is based on his analysis of the votes, "It was male handwriting," he reasons. I guess Bobby Jon's forensic hand-writing specialist career will have to be put on hold. Not all women use hearts and smiley faces to dot their i's and j's. Steph lies to Bobby Jon and tells him he's right--she voted for Angie, she insists, and adds a Twilesque "swear to God" for good measure. Steph and Bobby Jon make a deal to vote out Ib next week and "go all the way to the end" together. Aw, that's so delusional, it's cute. Bobby Jon wonders if Steph is playing him. Aw, he's just so pretty.

**THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT**

We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you the very latest update of Boston Rob and Amber's progress on "The Amazing Race."

The teams leave Argentina to fly to South Africa ("Sowt A'rika" to hear Chachi tell it). Chachi and Amber continue to praise their "guardian angels" who've helped them throughout the race, which is their term for the obsessed fans who help them along the way. Honestly, I had no idea that our version of Survivor was so popular in Argentina and South Africa, but it is. The teams all bunch up and Rob starts bitching about it, about how they're going to be "equalized." UGH! Complaining about the bunching on The Amazing Race would be like a baseball player complaining, "Agh! We came out and batted and scored a couple runs and we were TOTALLY winning, and then the lousy umpire goes and lets the OTHER team bat! ANd they scored a couple runs and the game EQUALIZED!" It's how the game works. You can't rest on your laurels. You can't blow it out on the first leg of the race and then coast because the other teams can never catch up. You have to have a certain amount of success on every single leg. Okay? Okay.

Chachi and Amber arrive in Johannesburg and decide to go for the first Fast Forward offered in this season of the Amazing Race. By claiming the fast forward, teams can complete this one task, then skip everything else. But they get kind of lost on the way and when they finally get there, another team is already walking across a tiny suspension bridge that hangs over a gaping water tower. Now, the way the Fast Forward works is, only the first team to complete it, gets it. Chachi decides they should wait, and gamble on the other team (the evil Ray and Deana) not being able to complete the task. Amber says she doesn't think it's a good idea to wait, so Chachi says, 'Well, yuh wanna quit an do somtin' else? You make duh decision." AMber refuses to make a decision, and they sit around wasting time until Ray and Deana finish the event and then they have to rush off to do one of the regular tasks that the other teams are doing. Things are strained between the couple, probably because chachi called Amber on her "You make all the decisions, and I'll just ride your coattails!" crap that allowed her to win Survivor instead of him (but it's his fault he lost, I'm not saying she didn't deserve to win because I don't think it's a game of "deserve"). Anyway, they go to a medical clinic to get directions and are hugged and encouraged by the staff, who are all huge fans of theirs from Survivor. They do this rather unchallenging challenge where you have to bring these items to the right Tribal Chief, and then they have to do this shopping roadblock. Amber doesn't have to do it alone though, because an obsessed fan steps in to help her. Again, I must reiterate, these aren't American tourists like the guy that helped them in the first leg, these are locals. Crazy. ANyway, this woman is thrilled to be helping Amber and then she sees Chachi and squeals, "Boston Rob, I'm so excited!" I have to admit, I'd be just as silly. I'd easily help Amber out and try to get her to dish on other people ("You hate Tina, right?") and I'd pester her about my review, "I call Rob "Chachi" and when you were with Jerri I wrote you as Darth Vader to her Emperor Palpatine--people thought it was pretty funny, let me tell you." And I'll bet she wouldn't have taken me to the pit stop the way she did with Super Fan, who got to meet a confused Phil. Phil is even more confused when Rob says, "we had a rough day," considering elderly Gretchen finished the leg with stitches in her forehead and a concussion after losing a bunch of blood and skin from her face in a dark cave. Anyway, they finish mid-pack, while Ray and Deana finish first and win cars. Toyota Rav-4's to be specific, and they are a lot less excited than any normal people would be about winning TWO FREE CARS! Gah, I hate them.

This was a two-hour show, so onto the next leg. Chachi can't take being "B"-less, and is now wearing the red Boston Red Sox cap that Amber had been wearing. The elderly couple finished last but it was non-elimination, which means the team stays in the hunt, but loses all their money and their clothes, save the ones on their backs. One of the other teams gives them a bunch of stuff to wear and most of the other teams give them a little money to help them stay in competition. The only ones who don't are Evil Ray and Deana, and Evil Chachi and Amber. Chachi calls the older couple "con artists." The teams feed raw meat to some lions, then they head to Botswana, where we learn that Chachi is physically incapable of saying "aardvark." On the way to the airport, Amber chuckles that they'll let the other teams do the hard work, and choose to blindly follow a team rather than look at their own map, and that person is wrong and they fall behind in the race. People who don't learn to read maps before going on The Amazing Race = People who don't learn to swim before going on Survivor. Idiots. Once in Botswana, the gay boyfriends refuse to let Chachi and Amber share a cab with them, and Chachi throws a big baby hissy fit of hypocrisy about it. In the same breath he curses out Lynn and...Alex (?) about NOT helping him, he ridicules the other teams FOR helping Gretchen and Meredith. Which is it, Rob? Because that double-standard is reminding me an awful lot of Lex, I'm just saying. Amber just stands beside Rob looking proud of selfishness. She reminds me of one of those girls in "American Graffiti" who ride around with Harrison' Ford's "Falfa" character going "Idn't he neat?" They all travel to a place where Bushmen show them how to throw a spear at a moving target. Everyone is able to do it before Chachi figures it out, ha ha. They make up some of the time racing across the salt flats in a jeep. Naturally, Rob taunts the elderly couple when he passes them. There is a scary moment in the race when one of the vehicles turns over, injuring their cameraman. EVERY other team stops to check and see if there's anything to do. Lynn and Alex actually get out, while everyone else does the common-courtesy stop, roll down the window, "Are you all right? Can we help?" Everyone except Rob and AMber, because they suck. And it's good that they suck so well because they excel in the next challenge, which involves sucking water out of a spring and into ostrich eggshells. When they get to the pit stop in 2nd place, Phil asks if they saw the wreck and whether they stopped to help, "It's a RACE, Phil," Chachi says condescendingly. Boo hiss, Boston Rob. And your little fiancee, too. On the upside, Ray and Deana? Eliminated.

We now return to our regular scheduled Survivor review....

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has no patience for the losers, especially when JWSBJB insists that the reason they keep losing is they subconsciously sabotage themselves whenever they hear the word "Immunity." Jeff lashes into Ib for his "leisurely stroll" out to ear the wood bundles were, then he slams JWSBJB for spending "3 or 4 minutes messing with your skirt." Hee. Ib defends his place in the game, and JWSBJB recants his statements last week that voting should be based solely on how one performs at the last challenge, "It's a waad vratee of things, lahk how well ah lahk ya, an' how well ya listen tuh what I'm sayin, and whether or not yer one uh them Islams." Steph agrees with Jeff that they need a win, fast. "I'd love to win immunity, not only so we wouldn't lose anybody else, but also it'd be wicked awesome to see what Immunity feels like. Plus, I don't want to be the only tribe in Survivor history to never win Immunity, that's be a disgrace." Which kind of reminds me of this interview I saw with KISS, about how they chose to take their make-up off in the early 80's, "Before we became a joke." Steph expresses concern about being the only girl, and the only Yankee left in the tribe (all three of the boys hail from Alabama). Bobby Jon claims to trust his tribe, "If ya don't trust someone, you shouldn't be on a tribe with ,em." They go to vote and it's a tie, 2 votes each for a surprised James and a not-so Ibrehem. In the second vote, Steph swings over and votes out JWSBJB, "Sorry, I had to," she whispers as he leaves. Steph, he's not gonna be on any jury, so don't try so hard not to seem like a bad guy. You sold him out to further your place in the game, it's okay. In fact, most of us are thrilled. James laments that his gut told him he wasn't going home, and his gut let him down, leaving him sad and depressed--damn, everyone's sounding like Lex!

James who should be Jim Bob exits in 12th place. You may remember 12th place from such finishers as Bible-thumping Dirk, Kimmi the rabid vegetarian who stopped bathing, self-enamored Silas, Gabe who thought Survivor was about peace, love and understanding, Stephanie the firefighter who skinny-dipped the first night and then turned into a torpid slug, Jeanne, the tough-talking New Yorker, Michelle....uh...Michelle. Hung around with Shawn and Burton? Well, take my word on it, Michelle was ousted in 12th place in season 7. Last season, Lisa was booted instead of Rory when Ami flipped out over something she inferred into a very innocent comment by Lisa. Man, Ami sucked.

This week, I assume Ibrehem will go out unless the U-Turns win immunity. Hah Hah Hah Ha ha ha ha. I'll stick with Caryn on the other side--maybe items.

Peace Out! Christine :D