Survivor 10.2 "We're Americans. And We're Gonna Do Democracy."

Nope, I'm not quoting the President, I'm quoting James Who Should be Jim Bob.

HELL IS FOR ER-ROR.

I'm hyphenating Er-ror so it's a real pun of Koror, you kind of have to read it the way a robot might say it. Anyway, the new island that Er-ror chose sucks, it's infested with sassy fearless rats, it's raining, and their fire kit is still at the bottom of the ocean. About the rats, Janu shudders, "They say it's mind over matter, but I mind and it matters." Word to your mother, Janu. Lawyer Caryn decides that the blame game would be a nifty way to pass the time, "You think there could be a worse island than this--and remember, you're under OATH!" Fireman Tom shrugs, "Sure. why not?" Caryn insists, "For the record, I was not in favor for moving to the new island and we should have had a vote and we didn't and everything's terrible and let the evidence show, none of it is my fault!" Well, the noise level and negativity of the new island can be traced back to you, Caryn, sheesh. Tom insists that he didn't want to pick the new island but then he heard several others insist they choose the new adventure, since the old island was almost out of coconuts. But was it other tribesmen, or just those mysterious whispery voices? Oh wait, wrong show about people stranded on an island. Tom and Caryn agree that everything should be voted on in the future and then it seriously looked like Caryn called a vote about whether they should stay or leave the new island even though that's not a choice, or she was trying to establish who all wanted to got to the new island--neither of which makes much sense. Caryn has annoyed most of her tribe, especially Katie, who says of the decision to move, "Oh well, we're here, get over it." That'd look real nice embroidered on a pillow.

DEMOCRACY IN INACTION

At U-Turn, everyone's so excited to have bossy Jolanda gone that they celebrate by doing nothing. James Who Should Be JimBob boasts, "We're not gon' falla uh leader," as everyone stands around agreeing not to do any work until they feel like it. "We're Americans, and we're gonna do democracy. Also we're lookin' intuh some sort uh subsidy program, whereby CBS pays us NOT to fetch water nor improve ar'n shelter." As they look ahead to the next challenge, Angie is very aware that she's gotta prove her value to the tribe or else.

REWARD LIMERICK

there once was a girl with tattoos
whose language was full of boo hoos
but she turned it around
what a way to rebound
and assured that her team wouldn't lose

The Er-rors see that Jolanda is missing, and some seem shocked, while others nod as if to say, "Yup she was bossy and/or old." The Er-rors cop to the fact that they capsized and lost their fire box. I wouldn't have, I would have been all, "Everything's fine, Jeff, we've been eating fried shark, mmmmmmm mmmm!" I think maybe they were hoping for sympathy or that there was some kind of warranty. Idiot Jeff cackles with glee at the bad news and when my Jeff asks him about it, he grins, "I just enjoy the pain and humiliation of others Jeff, it's why I'm here." Ian shrugs it off, "No worries, we've got our backs to the wall but we're gonna come on strong!" Apparently, Ian doesn't remember that the Bad News Bears lose the climactic big game in the movie. ANyway, the reward is for a mask, swim fins, an a Hawaiian sling. When he hears of this, Rupert comes crashing through the jungle bellowing, "Jeff, yer not suppose tuh give away muh sling! Arrrr!" But Jeff calms him down and continues to explain, "U-turn will win flint if they win, while Er-ror can't because they already won it, even though they lost it, losers." Every time Jeff says something about the reward, James Who Should be Jim Bob chimes in, "Oh, hail yeah!" "Ah luuve you, Jeff." "You da man!" He's very annoying.

The challenge is...wait for it....an OBSTACLE COURSE! They have to run across these barrels that are spinning, then across some beams, and a rope bridge in order to bring back flags while two people from each team try to nail them with swinging sandbags--naturally, mean Idiot Jeff volunteers to hurt people. Neither team does much in regards to the sandbags--Ian was the only person who I saw get knocked off the course. It's all about hustle and the surprise superstar is Angie, who kicks butt. Unlike Katie, who can't even manage to get ON the course until Willard coaches her. At one point, Bobby Jon gets hit by a sandbag and throws it back shouting, "Get that thing off of me!" Later he celebrates getting over a treacherous part of the course by hitting himself in the face--yeah, the committed Christian is, of course, like many a character in many a war movie before him, totally crazy. Although actually, i think Ibrehem is the only guy on U-turn who isn't totally crazy. The U-Turns win in a 10-2 bloodbath. Ian screws up his face and yells, "Wait until next year!" and then the 1812 overture starts playing.

FISHING FOR FOOD

The U-Turns are suitably pumped about their victory, and everyone gives Angie must deserved props for how well she did in the challenge. Crazy bobby Jon admits that he was to quick to judge her, which is good of him to say, so I'll say it to. Angie was very impressive, and also not irritating this week, perhaps I was quick to judge her too. Idiot Jeff and Bobby Jon go fishing and catch some really tiny fish, so they gather up some giant clams to go with it. Idiot Jeff smiles, "I thought it was awesome how the other team lost their fire and don't have a spear. I hope they starve to death and I hope they never find their stupid flint!" Well, nuts to you Idiot Jeff, because they DO.

FISHING FOR FIRE

Most of the Er-ror's are at sea, looking for the lost flint box. Watching on the shore is Caryn and Coby, who bitch and moan from the shore about how they think the others are looking in the wrong place, even though they're TOTALLY in the right place and they find the box! It's rough going as the sea is choppy, but thanks to Aquaman's nerdy little brother Ian and Tom the super awesome fireman, they're able to reclaim the box. Ian tells us, "Even though we lost the challenge, it really felt like we won the day!" I heart Ian.

We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you...

THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT

Yes, Chachi and Ambuh, former Survivor All-Stars are still together, still planning to get married (probably on TV, no joke) and now they've embarked on "The Amazing Race." And oh yes, they still hella bug. In the first episode, Chachi raves about their "profound friendship," um, yeeeah. Profound isn't a word I'd use to describe either of them unless it was followed by "ly overexposed" (have you sen them on TV Guide? On Modern Freaking Bride?). On the Amazing Race, for those who don't watch, two-player teams race around the world for a million dollars, and the last team to arrive at that episode's checkpoint is usually eliminated (sometimes nobody is, and it's usually when a team you hate finishes last). Anyway, Chachi and Amber start the race in last place due to dawdling, and then Chachi suggests they stop to eat, "Ah'm stahvin. Dis ain't suhvivuh, yuh ken eat en heuh." Amber, who probably weighs 115 lbs. soaking wet, chirps that she's looking forward to losing some weight. Bitch. Then when they get to LAX, Boston Rob tries to get the shuttle to leave before the old couple get on. People always try to get shuttles to leave people behind in the first leg, and it never ever matters.

Chachi mentions Survivor every ten minutes or so, but then again, those couples that go on the amazing race to prove to themselves that they can get through anything and belong together also say THAT every ten minutes on every Amazing Race ever, so I guess I can't complain to much. They are there because they're reality show celebrities. Everyone seems to want them to lose, and who can blame them since they have 1.25 million dollars between them in Survivor prize money. When they get to their first destination, Lima, Peru, (damn that's a lot of commas) their celebrity pays off when some guy, probably a psychotic stalker who wants to keep them in a giant jar in his basement, offers to lead them to the first clue box. We later learn his name is Craig, and Craig gets a bus driver to not stop to pick up any of the locals who are waiting for a lift home--in your FACE, poor hard-working Peruvians! Patrick, a young gay man who's competing alongside his mother, declares that Boston Rob is "as dumb as a rock." Well, he's clever like a rock, because he and Amber manage to go from worst to first in a matter of hours. They take a zip line across a huge gorge, schlep some heavy baskets to a local village and find themselves befriended by Patrick and mom Sharon, but Patrick claims it's only so they can lay a trap and betray them (something that doesn't really happen in Amazing Race that much). Anyway, Rob and AMber's taxi gets stuck in traffic at the end of the leg, and they wind up having to help push a broken down bus out of the way. THis boots them out of first place, which is good because the first place team won 10 Grand each, and I think the other teams would have thrown them off the giant gorge had that happened. They finish the leg in a very respectable third place. I think all the teams would do well by themselves if they stopped focusing on Rob and Amber and just played their own game.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT SURVIVOR...

THe U-Turns have a clambake, well...I guess it's more of a clam cook. They eat the tiny fish and the giant clams and some seaweed and everyone oohs and aahs except Ashlee, who demurs, "You guys, I usually only eat every 6 or 7 days or so, so I am TOTALLY not hungry...if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into the shelter and pass out." Bobby Jon points out that she's not only weakening the tribe with her, er, weakness, she's also hurting her position in the tribe by isolating herself socially. He may be crazy, but he's pretty wise. Idiot Jeff and Kim, who looks kinda like a young Olivia Newton John, continue to snuggle together at night, causing suspicion. Angie wonders, "I don't know if they're both cold, or if Kim's trying to play him the way Amber did Boston Rob, but a two-person alliance is a REALLY strong alliance!" No, it isn't.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

to win, you will have to dive deep
if you fail, the penalty's steep
because if you struggle
to unleash your puzzle
you may be the one they don't keep

Jeff tells the gang that they must swim out to a floating platform. The whole tribe must be at the platform before they can start diving. Then they dive down 10 feet and pull a trunk across the ocean floor 50 feet. When they get it past the 50 foot mark, they can open it, releasing 8 old army mess kits with Morse code on them, which spell a word. They were all given Morse code with their poem so hopefully they learned it. When he tells them about the diving part, the Er-rors raise their hands, "Jeff, can we be excused? We did this already today." No dice, and the race begins. Willard is a slow swimmer, so the U-Turns get off to a big head start. But it doesn't matter because they're exceedingly wimpy when it comes to swimming, especially against Aquaboy Ian and Fireman Tom, who is amazing--amazing I say! The U-Turns can't seem to move the trunk at all--though at least most of them TRY, unlike Kim, who just clutches the platform for dear life. The Er-rors get 30 ft. lead on the U-turns and free their mess-kits, and are easily able to unscramble them to spell "Immunity" (Uh, how obvious a choice was THAT?). They win while the U-Turns are still futilely floating in the distance. Stephenie pounds the ocean in frustration, "Stupid Ocean!"

HERE COMES THE SYMBOLIC RAIN AGAIN

The U-Turns arrive at their island and Ashlee tries to explain how demoralized they all are, but her voice is so annoying I just blocked it out--thank goodness she's not long for the game. But they have no shelter for the fire (because no one thought of it, or someone DID but they didn't want to offend anyone by suggesting it needed to be done) so they take the embers to a freaky, mysterious cave, and they're never seen again. Just kidding, Vincent Price shows them the way back out. At the cave, Steph and James and Angie discuss eliminating Kim, who didn't do jack at the last challenge and is tooclose to Idiot Jeff. James Who Should be Jim Bob assures us, "Kim is gone, oh yes fer SURE." Then he STUPIDLY goes to Idiot Jeff and tells him that "Psychologically, sociologically, Kim is a THREAT and she should go." Yes, he really used those words--correctly, I might add. Idiot Jeff is unthrilled with the plan, "Uh, I was thinking we'd dump Ashlee. She's totally breaking down. Plus, she doesn't make-out with me at night." Then he complains to us, "James don't tell me what to do! We're the tribe with no leaders, man! That's just not right!" Bobby Jon feels that Kim and Ashlee are almost equally useless, but Ashlee seems weaker, and he wants to vote her out. Stephanie lobbies hard for Kim, "We have to break up the couples!" Bobby Jon sighs, "Steph, this ain't Big Brother, relax!" Steph retorts, "They're gonna be unstoppable, like Rob and Amber form the All-Stars! We won't be able to stop them! Waaaah!" Steph then chats with her victim of choice, Kim, as though nothing's afoot. She was just as breezily two-faced with Jolanda last week. She tells Kim she's afraid there might be a tie. "Between who?" Kim asks innocently. "Uh...Between you and Ashlee." "Says who?" "Um...er. some people. You know...uh, Gilligan and the Skipper, that crazy French woman...it's kind of a consensus." Kim demands James Who Should be Jim Bob tell her if she's the one leaving, and he does this cheesy winky thing. Man, is he odd.

MOST BORING TRIBAL COUNCIL EVER

Jeff kicks off the meeting by giving Angie a trophy for Most Improved Survivor, and a 15$ Target gift card, which she can use after the game. Kim gets all weepy when describing how close they've all gotten in such a short time--yeah, and the others were SOOOO broken up about booting you earlier, Kim. NOT. Jeff gets Idiot Jeff to babble about his snuggle buddy Kim, "Honestly Jeff, we just make out, it's no big deal. I just HAPPEN to be getting to know Kim better than the other girls. At least, I'm pretty sure. It's pretty dark out here at night." Kim agrees, "It is utterly MEANINGLESS, we're just really cold and slutty." Everyone votes, and almost everyone votes for Ashlee. Ibrehem votes for Kim out of loyalty to Ashlee, who picked him to be on the tribe in the first place, which is really kinda sweet. Ashlee votes for Jeff, who votes for her saying, "I'm a man of my word, and plus you bug the hell out of me." I hate agreeing with Idiot Jeff, whom I loathe, but Ashlee bugged the hell out of me, the one time she tried to really talk. Jeff gets all Yoda on them, "Goal you must get, mmmm? Then your energy you must harness!"

Ashlee laments not using the cold as an excuse to cuddle with beefy Ibrehem. She joins last season's sweet sheep farmer Dolly in being ousted in 17th place. Next up: Sharks, Idiot Jeff gets hurt, and Katie and Caryn throw down.

Peace!

Christine :D