Survivor 10.3 "We Hit the Shallows, We Dash."

Notice: This week's installment of the Chachi and Amber report has been delayed because I can't watch the episode of The Amazing Race until this weekend....

KIM IS AN IDIOT

Okay, now for the reason anybody's who's actually reading this is reading this. DId anyone notice that the crab at the beginning seemed to disco dance across the screen ala John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever." I think he was auditioning. Or maybe he was just doing the hustle in an effort to flee the bitching and moaning of the U-Turns, who can't believe how mean Jeff Probst was to them--uh, have they watched the show, one, and are they aware that they're a bunch of losers, two? Kim in particular plays the martyr, grumbling, "Uh, am I even like, ALLOWED to be back here with Jeff or will everyone think we're making out or whatever and like being an alliance!? Jeff Probst is OBNOXIOUS!" She later tells us that everyone was "con-JURING" something that wasn't there and she'd be a hell of a lot more convincing if she'd, you know, quit making out Idiot Jeff on camera. James who should be Jim Bob doesn't care for Kim, "SHe's a whoman, an' all she has t' her avanage is her seshuality." Damn he bugs. THen he claims that Idiot Jeff and Kim can't slip anything past him because he has "ear like a bat." Or "ears like a ferret?" "Ears like Boba Fett!?" I honesty have no idea. James who should be Jim Bob is very Big Tom-esque. *shudder*

ER-ROR FINALLY BUILDS A NEW SHELTER

After huddling under some leaves for apparently DAYS, Tom and company set out to build a new shelter. Coby tells us that the bummer about always winning immunity is you can't get rid of anyone and the next scene seems to indicate that he's gotta be talking about either mouthy Katie or mouthy Caryn--I'm not crazy about either of them, to tell the truth. Coby also strolls around in very very revealing bikini underpants, it's quite unfortunate. His once-friend Angie is his other-tribe soul mate on this because I swear she's wearing an eyepatch over her crotch--also unfortunate. Anyway, Katie watches other people work on the shelter and surmises, "Someone's gotta climb up there to finish the roof--and it sure as hell won't be me." Hey, now, that's U-Turn talk. Caryn is displeased, "Katie is...not outspoken, I'M outspoken and that's a GOOD thing...mo she's uh...tart. She's talking all the time about every little thing and she's always telling me what to do!" So, she goes down to the water, and loudly but privately tells Katie off for bossing her around and for her sarcastic comments, and Katie just kind of laughs in her face and Caryn storms off. without letting Katie get a word in so Katie storms up to the campfire and tells Caryn in front of everybody, "It wasn't personal before, I was just annoying you the same way I annoy everyone else I come in contact with, but NOW, now lady, it's personal!" caryn doesn't care because she thinks Katie won't talk to her anymore and that's good, but she knows it may bite her come Tribal Council if they lose Immunity.

REWARD LIMERICK

to win this here kit for the sewing
then you'd best be real good at some towing
you gotta be strongest
and maybe the wrongest
but beware of the feeling you're sowing

So, the reward is like, the lamest reward ever, a sewing kit and some fabric. I mean, it's basically more work to do, and didn't those lucky bastards in the Pearl Islands get an actual sewing MACHINE? I guess they'd lose all that "toughest Survivor EVUH" mojo if they gave them an actually device. Nobody at Er-Ror seems surprised that Ashlee's gone. Anyway, the challenge is a rough one, where tow people battle to grab a life ring in the water, hang onto it and drag it to their pontoon while the other person does the same. Jeff says the rules are "No hitting, and no intentionally doing anyone any harm." Except you can totally sit on someone and make them drown and that's cool. Idiot Jeff bests Noble Tom, Steph beats up on this girl names Jen on Er-Ror who's yet to be interesting but I swear she exists and Jeff leers, "A good old-fashioned cat fight!" Oh, goodie, you know how I can stand those new-fangled MODERN cat fights. Then Bobby Jon and Angie team up to defeat Janu and Greg.

LET BOBBY JON DO IT

The U-Turns get back to their island and pick through the sewing kit trying to find things to use for anything but sewing because sewing is work and they don't DO that at U-Turn. Steph holds up a jar of buttons and is all, "Um...we could put like, something else in here." Oy. I thought Angie might make her own clothes, she has that vibe, but she seems as confused as everyone else because she continues to traipse about with her nipples and what not popping out of her non-existent clothes. Okay, I love Bobby Jon. I know he can be kinda crazy sometimes, but man is he cute, and sweet, and soft-spoken (when he's not hitting himself and yelling at sandbags) and strong and hard-working. He's also waaaay co-dependant, and doing all the work for his tribe. "Ah'm very disappointed in mah trahb," he shrugs, "But ah'd rathuh do somethun' mahself then have uh meetin' about it--that' jes' a waste a' time." He thinks Kim is especially lazy and good-for-nothing and Kim isn't a fan of his either, "Bobby Jon is playing the whole "I do all the work and feed you and shelter you" card, but a fat lot of good all his work will do if he gets too tired to make-up for my inadequacy at the next challenge and we lose. It'll be all his fault, stupid hard-worker!" Man, Kim sucks.

MOTHER, MAY I PLAY WITH DANGER?

Best. TV movie title. Ever. And it makes a good chapter heading for the Er-Rors, who go after some deadly snakes and some deadly sharks. Aquaboy Ian uses the machete to lop of the heads of four highly-poisonous sea snakes, and of course, the sweetheart apologizes to them--he's adorable, I tell ya. But Ian, the sea snakes would NOT apologize for killing you so don't sweat it. Anyway, the tribe then hangs the snake carcasses over the water to dry which attracts some sharks, and Tom and Ian cut up their snakes to bait the sharks and then fruitlessly attack the sharks with blunt sticks, ("Oh my friggin' gosh," Ian says as a shark brushes his legs) so they lose all their snake meat and don't gain any shark meat. That's GOTTA be and Aesop's Fable. At least they had fun.

ATTACK OF THE PHANTOM COCONUT

That night, Idiot Jeff goes out to pee in the ocean, and he allegedly steps on a loose coconut and "rolls" his bum ankle. It's all very suspicious if you ask me. The next day he tells his team and says he'll just take it easy for the next few days until the next challenge, but then they get tree mail informing them that the next challenge is today. He seems very chipper for a guy who's allegedly in agony. Also, Bobby Jon fashions a loincloth for himself, looking almost as Biblically hubba-hubba as Ethan did in Africa. Almost.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

in order to win this hard race
you need to be setting the pace
if you fall behind
fate won't be kind
and it's back to the voting-off place

Jeff notes Idiot Jeff's limp and Jeff spins his tale about the coconut and his poor ankle. Several of the Er-Ror's react in genuine sympathy, even though you KNOW if the coconut was under the other foot, Idiot Jeff would be over there laughing at the wounded person. The Challenge is something new and totally cool, a race where the whole team is linked to one another and racing around a quarter-mile (or so) course. They start an equal distance away from each other and must catch the other team. Everyone carries a 20lb backpack. Anyone can opt out at any time, but their backpack must then be carried by another tame member. Janu and Jen (again, not making her up) sit out and watch Idiot Jeff and Caryn quickly opt out, followed by Kim who is soon joined by Angie. Kim sits sobbing in the ocean and Angie comforts her. Katie is out. Steph is the only girl of any real stamina in the contest, and hangs in with the boys for quite a spell. As everyone drops out, Fireman Tom and Bobby Jon carry most of the load for their respective teams. Tom leads his team "We hit the shallows, we dash." At the end, it's just Ian, Tom and Greg who beat Bobby Jon, Ibrehem and the impressive Steph. She may be two-faced, but she's tough.

STOP THE SURVIVOR, I WANT TO GET OFF

Back at the island, Idiot Jeff smiles and says, "Uh, you guys, I know myself, and my ankle is part of myself, and it's like hurting. You guys should vote me out." Everyone argues that he should give it a few days to see if it gets better but he insists, "No, no, no, you don't understand, I KNOW it won't get better, like ever! I can't put any weight on it without cringing my teeth, whatever the hell that means, and every time I stand on it, I feel like a tear's gonna come out of my eye, except it doesn't because I'm not a pussy." He tells the team they have no other option, because he's useless.

The team's not sold on that idea, they want to hold him hostage, much the way the ladies in the Amazon did when Shawna begged to be voted out and they said no dice. Most of the tribe feels that Idiot Jeff could be missing both his legs and still out perform worthless and whiny Kim. "His weakness is our strength," Bobby Jon blathers. The only one who wants to abide by Jeff's wishes (besides beneficiary Kim) is Angie, who thinks Kim might start to pull her weight once Jeff isn't around to distract her. I'm not sure if she kinda bonded with Kim when she was comforting her during the Immunity Challenge, or if she recognizes weak Kim as a great insurance policy against eviction when (er, I mean IF) they lose immunity yet again. Bobby Jon tells her he wants Kim out, and they spy Idiot Jeff gleefully halving coconuts with one swoop of the machete, while Kim hangs all over him and coos, "Oooh, Baby, you are soooo strong!" Later, Kim stands around doing nothing and fretting about how vulnerable she is. Well, then freaking DO SOMETHING USEFUL, Kim. Uck, she's awful.

ANOTHER BORING TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff is just plain sick of this and snaps, "So, it must be pretty frustrating to be such a bunch of losers, huh? And don't bring up the sewing kit, we all know that was a white elephant." Ibrehem insists they only lost because Jeff was injured, while Bobby Jon reveals he has a bit of a man-crush on Fireman Tom, "We lost because one man, a man among men, single-handedly whipped us." Ibrehem respectfully disagrees. Then Steph tells Host Jeff that Idiot Jeff told everyone to vote him out because of his allegedly busted ankle, and Host Jeff frowns, "Jeff, you're smiling while she's saying tis--what the hell is your problem?" Idiot Jeff grins, "Well Jeff, I've always considered myself a team player--I'm very proud of that. My ankle--this is the same ankle I hurt last year? I busted it and it was a deathful [sic] thing for me and for my team as well. Anyway, it's not gonna get any better, I can tell you that right now and--" Jeff interrupts with an annoyed, "What's your POINT?" "Uh, I can't help my team and they'd be better off with out me!" Jeff shakes his head, "You're a disgrace to the Jeff name. Okay, who else on this tribe is a total loser? Kim, you're rolling your eyes a lot, what the hell is YOUR problem?" Kim sighs, "I just know that SOMEBODY is gonna say I'm like, lazy or something, but it's really hard to be on like, the workaholic tribe when you're like, not good at stuff, okay? I mean, Bobby Jon is like freaking Tarzan, okay? ANd I like, can't compete with that. Plus, I hate how we're always losing the challenges. I am SO sick of being here!" At this point, you can't even hear the dialogue over the din of so much eye-rolling. She continues, "Our tribe has for some reason manifested itself as a tribe where the strong stay and the weakest go." Uh. Yeah, that's a radical concept. Jeff sends them to vote.

Idiot Jeff gets his wish and is voted out, and his semi-convincing limp prevents Jeff from shaming him the way he did when Osten quit. He finishes in 16th place, which used to be last place before the Expansion Era. Previous 16th placeholders are ukulele Sonya, harsh Deb, Diane who ate the beans with Clarence and lied about it, Peter who talked too much about his bowel movements, Pastor John who was too officious, Ryan who came to flirt with girls and then got stuck on an all-guy tribe, Nicole who targeted Tijuana and paid the price and last year's drippy JP.

Tonight: Looks like a shake-up, which hopefully won't punish any of my faves (Tom, Ian, Bobby Jon). If it does, what can I say, Survivor is a cruel mistress.

Peace Out!

Christine :D