Survivor 10.4 "We're Not Going Back to Immunity! Er, Tribal Council!"

Remember, kids, Survivor airs TONIGHT, as in WEDNESDAY, due to March Madness (college basketball).

THE U-TURN PITY PARTY OF DENIAL

As usual, the U-Turns are sitting around lamenting about how they keep losing, and the other tribe still has all it's members. Waaaaaah. Kim decries losing Jeff, "He was the strongest person on the team, and losing him is devastating." Say what? Wimp boy who grinned the entire time he was telling you how he needed to leave because he wasn't at 100% The strongest guy on the team, so long as your not counting ankle strength or strength of character, maybe. I've watched the tape, and he didn't suffer no "serious sprain." I've seen more convincing limps on kids trying to get out of running the mile in middle school. See, those kids know better than to go around smiling and standing on said ankle (that you can barely put any weight on, yeah, right Jeff.) Jeff was a liar and and a coward and a wimp who never appeared to be in any real pain. ANYWAY, getting back to the loser wimps still on the tribe, James who should be Jim Bob and Kim--lazy-ass, good for nothing Kim of all people, agree that the Er-Rors are using (gasp!) strategy to continually beat them, "They're not in shape but the keep kicking our asses." Then James who should be Jim Bob decrees, "Ah'm gonna stomp anyone's ass who lags!" And then Kim sighs, "That is sooo not nice, you ignorant hillbilly, you should try to motivate people, not threaten them, idiot." Sweet Bobby John looks mournfully at the camera and whispers softly, "Our self-esteem is real low. Ah hope we learn somethin' from all this. Raht now, ah don't think we have." Oh Bobby, let Christine give you a hug!

INDECISION AND DIVISION

The tribes receive tree mail, telling them they each have to pick a representative and live with the consequences. Like me, the tribes all suspect that this means a tribe shake-up or swap of some kind, and they're a little nervous. The U-Turns, of course, can't make a decision. I swear, if Steph caught fire, James who should be Jim Bob would stand there saying, "Well...ah don' wanna tell ya what to do...or maybe...mah inclination maht be tuh throw wata on ye, but let me discuss it with th' othuhs, it bein' their wata too an' all." What really happens is James who should be Jim Bob walks over to Steph and says, "We represent...YOU." I assume that he means "nominate." Anyway, Steph is like, "Ack, leadership--must...not...accept...leadership...nor...make...decision." She wants them to pick names out of a hat, "or Kim, you'd be good at it, you could go. Or we could draw straws...I dunno." Kim shrugs, " I dunno either," and then has the nerve to bitch about how no one on her tribe wants to think anything out or make a decision. Well, that was your chance, Kim, to step up to the freaking plate! Ugh, I hate her.

At Er-Ror, almost everyone volunteers to go, despite the risks, but Fireman Tom decrees that Greg is the best choice, "He's our steady man." Mmmm, Greg can be MY steady man ANY day! I know, I'm embarrassing myself. Then Ian says he really wants to do it, and, as Coby humorously relates, he and Caryn and Janu keep saying they want to go while Tom and the others debate, "Should it be Greg or should it be Ian?" There are definite factions on this tribe. Ultimately, Ian is chosen.

REWARD LIMERICK

Regardless of who you have picked
No big deal, that was kind of a trick
But we can't enough stress
how you must be the best
in order to win shelter that kicks

So, Jeff arrives at Er-Ror and Ian reveals he's the representative and everyone waves goodbye as Ian steps into Jeff's boat, but it turns out Ian's just supposed to pick five tools for the team to use to build a bathroom, and he has to choose who sits out (bearing in mind you can't sit out the same people in back to back challenges even though I SWEAR teams have gotten away with it or I don't understand the rule). Ian chooses Jenn, Janu and Coby, who seems relieved. The team learns that the reward for best bathroom is "the most kick-ass Survivor shelter EVER, built by the Survivor crew.

Jeff goes off to find the U-Turns, and they're out fishing. During this segment they're playing the most AWESOME background music ever, sung by what must be the South Pacific's answer to Musical Youth ("Pass the Dutchie"). They catch a tiny fish and Angie says morbidly, "We found Nemo." Jeff gives the group minor props for being out fishing, then asks for their representative, and they all look at one another, and Kim says, 'Uh, are we allowed to ask questions about what this is about before we pick?" Jeff frowns, "Hey, losers, this is why you're losers. PICK SOMEBODY." Bobby Jon picks James who should be Jim Bob, who drawls, "Ah wuzzin trine tuh be no leaduh but it's lucky they picked me otherwise they we wouldn't uh git the raht tools on account uh ah use' tuh build houses." Which is such bullhonky. Ian said a similar thing, that he grew up on a farm and his dad owned a construction company, so that helped, but honestly. An ax to chop wood, a saw to cut it to specification, a hammer to drive in nails...DUH. What would Kim have done, picked five chisels? Don't answer that.

THE GOOFUS AND GALLANT TRIBES

At U-Turn, James who should be Jim Bob alienates the women with his bossiness. He insists, "Ah don' wanna be a leader but someone's gotta do it t' make shore things git done!" Just so long as it's not that uppity black woman, right? Somewhere, Jolanda is watching this tribe's failure and laughing her ASS off. Anyway, Steph wonders if the toilet area is going to be sturdy enough and James who should be Jim Bob comes over and pats her on the head, "Oh HONEY. You silly lil' girl, of carse we're gonna NAIL it." Then he tells Angie that in order to use the nail gun, you have to press down on the handle. Steph complains that JWSBJB is "very fatherly," by which means JWSBJB is "a total jerk," so we know what her issues are. Angie (close your eyes and you swear it's Patricia Arquette talking) fumes, "I use a staple gun at my work every damn day!" But Angie, I thought you were a bartender. "On my FACE, Christine, geez." Oh, okay. Then she goes on to sing a cover of "I am woman" by Helen Reddy, but the power of this moment is undercut when Kim floats over to Steph and says, "Uh, I know the rest of you idiots are like, super-human robots who don't need food, but I really need to eat, I'm like, gonna pass out if I do any work." Steph dispatches her to sew the U-Turn logo onto the shower curtain. JWSBJB complains that Kim is "a little useless." Well, that beats a lot useless...I guess.

Also, I think Tommy Hillfiger's sales of designer underpants may plummet after America sees JWSBJB prancing around in his soiled pair. Hardly the image they want to present, I'm sure: "If you wear Tommy Hillfiger drawers--then you MAHT be a redneck, hee-yuk." Bobby Jon goes out to chop down a tree, and goes into his "crazy place," where he raves about how his whole body and soul is committed to whatever task he endeavors to do, "You gotta want it, you gotta want that tree." Bobby Jon is a coach's wet dream that's for sure. Kim scoffs, "It sucks being on a tribe where everyone's like soooo into working hard and like, doing stuff instead of like thinking about things like I do. I feel like I'm the only smart person on this tribe and everyone else is running around in a circle with their heads chopped off." On the one hand, lah di freaking dah, Kim. On the other hand, JWSBJB tries to see if the staple gun is jammed by pointing it at his eye and clicking it. So, touche, Kim. JWSBJB calls, "Who wants t'sit on th' potty!" and everyone runs away.

Meanwhile, playing Gallant to their Goofus, Er-Ror outshines and outclasses U-Turn in every way. everyone works hard, they come up with a nice design and keep the shower as a separate unit from the toilet. POINT: Willard gives big ups to Ian and Fireman Tom, "If you notice, not a day goes by where they don't make a point of praising every tribe member in front of the entire team. Fireman Tom is indeed a great leader, and our little motor who keeps us moving. Kudos indeed to Tom!" COUNTERPOINT: Caryn is not so thrilled with Tom's leadership, "Tom's always the leader, ALL HAIL KING TOM! Puhleeze. The women can't even throw a stick on the fire without getting PERMISSION from Tom, it's ridiculous and I OBJECT." Now, the "throw a stick on the fire" phrase is the exact same phrase she uses when she confronts Katie, she said something to the effect that she should be able to throw a stick on the fire without Katie making any kind of snarky remark. So clearly, Caryn has an issue about sticks in the fire--though I think the bigger problem is the one that's stuck where the sun don't shine, I'm just saying.

TOILETS, TWO : JUDGEMENT DAY

Jeff arrives at Er-Ror first, bringing Jesse, the hunky Australian production designer. The Er-Ror's have a cute path, a cute sign, and a cool adjustable height feature to their shower, and again, it's located above and separate from the toilet. It's really cool. Katie is confident they'll win, "And we have Rat City, USA here so we really need it." Uh, I think you mean Rat City, PALAU.

Or course, the U-turns aren't even freaking done when Jeff and Jesse get there. They're also all wearing these tunic's and sarongs they've made with the fabric they won, which makes them look like "Star Trek" extras. Man, that show no wardrobe budget at all. Anyway, the structure is clearly not as good as Er-Rors, it's functional, but not very creative (the only "flare" is "For a good time, call Jeff Probst" scrawled on the toilet seat). JWSBJB is supremely confident that they'll win.

Back at Er-Ror, "The glass is half full of something DELICIOUS," Ian muses, "Even if we lose, we have a shower and a toilet!" But of course, they DO win, and celebrate as the Survivor crew pulls ashore and indeed builds the most kick-ass Survivor shelter ever. It has a nice wood floor, a picnic area out side, a hammock inside, another sort of "hang-out" platform--it rules. Ian gushes, "A tarp would've been a good reward--this is a freakin' palace!" The crew leaves the tribe some cold champagne, which leads to dancing and laughing, but no drama. Which, considering Katie's around, is kinda surprising.

Meanwhile, the sun is setting but JWSBJB is still waiting for that Home Depot boat as though it were the Great Pumpkin, "Oh, they'll come. We hayve the most sincere potty in Palau!" When the U-Turns finally accept defeat, JWSBJB is certain that it's only because they hadn't won a reward yet (which isn't true, they won fire then lost it then got it back). James, if there was pity in Survivor, you wouldn't be headed to a fourth straight Tribal Council....

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

Time for a hand-to-hand fight
a test of both wit and of might
you might think that you're tough
but it's gonna get rough
especially if your build is slight

So, the teams are given these pillow things that they'll use to try to push their opponent off a platform with, to keep them from being able to get anyone in a head lock or punch them or whatever. JWSBJB raves, "We're gonna be like wolverines!" Burnett is really turning on the hate, have you noticed? You had the one the week before where everyone was trying to drown one another, now you have this where, pillows or no, people are getting slammed to the ground and knocked around but good. The Er-Rors have to sit out three people--Willard, Ian and Katie. Tom kicks Bobby Jon's ass, but then Steph easily beats Jenn (You know, Jenn. Blond Jenn? Oh, nevermind). Greg defeats Ibrehem but then Angie dispatches Caryn. Then Er-Ror goes on a tear--Coby easily tosses JWSBJB, Janu flicks Kim off the platform like she was a bug (and I SWEAR Kim yelled KOROR, the other team's name...I don't think that was Janu. Oh well.) And then Tom re-kicks Bobby Jon's ass and Er-Ror is only one win away from Immunity. But U-Turn storms back. Steph beats Jenn again, Ibrehem defeats Greg (Ibrehem is the only person to change the outcome of his previous match) and then Angie beats Caryn. It would've been interesting if Kim and Caryn had faced off, and Janu had fought Angie--they would've been fairer fights. Anyway, Angie is pumped and she screams, "We are NOT going back to immunity!" And then she realizes that was dumb and yells, "Tribal Council!" Then she yells something about how it's their turn to face the sorrow of Tribal Council--hey Angie, it's not their fault your team sucks. So it comes down to a climactic batle between JWSBJB and Coby. It's a much longer fight that the first one, JWSBJB is, by definition, scrappy, but Coby is bigger and tougher and Er-Ror wins AGAIN. I guess wolverines must totally suck.

**SPECIAL BULLETIN**

We interrupt this Survivor review for a double shot of the Chachi and Amber report. Sad to say, they're doing very well. Last week, Chachi bribed a security guard to keep some information away from other teams, and when the others found about it, some of them got in his face and he denied it and got all indignant about "don' be callin me uh ly-uh!" And then he winks at the camera, that whole "Ain't I uh little bastard" bit he does, ugh. THEN, he gets other teams to chip in and help him bribe a bus driver to only open the front door so that teams in the back can't get out of the bus for another...5 minutes!? Or something. I mean, this gains him almost nothing, he just likes getting things over on people to prove he's smahtuh den dem. Anyway, Amber shines some shoes in Chile, then they have to stack some books on a hand truck and take them to the library and Amber has to shush Chachi becasue he's probably never been in a library before and they win first prize on the leg and win a trip to the freakin' Bahamas! Ack!

In this week's episode, Chachi said, "Ambuh an' I uh livin' duh American Dream." Funny, I don't wanna be chased around Chile by cameramen, but what do i know? They make it to the next checkpoint and are ticked that all the teams are gonna bunch up--which happens every freaking leg and people on the Amazing Race are always surprised and pissed off. Anyway, they go back to the hotel to get better directions to the next stop, and so does another team, the team of girls who accused Chachi of lying (which he did) so Chachi and Amber steal the girls cab. It has zero effect on the race (the girls do get eliminated, but through their own idiocy). Then they get a cop to escort them to the proper freeway onramp. They're in a hurry to make it to the Yield station before anyone else because they know if anyone gets their first, they'll probably yield them becasue they're MILLIONAIRES. Then they go rafting down a river, and get passed by Lynn and Alex, the witty gay guys. Amber is exhausted by the effort, but sees the plus side, "It was good excersize--I'm getting married soon and I need to be able to fit into my dress." Oh, shut up, you thin little twit.

But then, they have to take part in this disgusting eating roadblock, where one member of the team has to eat four pounds of meat parts. Chachi starts off, but quickly gets sick and then has a stroke of...I'm gonna say it, genius. I mean, he's an evil genius, but a genius nevertheless. Teams can quit, but that means they have to take a four hour time penalty whcih starts as soon as the next team arrives. There are still several teams who haven't shown up, so chachi chooses to quit, then he and Amber work on the other teams and convince two other teams that the task is impossible and they should take the penalty. So now, Chachi and Amber can't be eliminated because the other two teams are behind them. So they finish in the middle of the pack, and Rob doesn't have to eat all that yucky stuff. "Ah found a way tuh plot and scheme in duh Amazin' Race," he boasts. *cue Don Henley* "This is the end ...of the innocence."

We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor Review...

THE BLAME GAME

JWSBJB laments losing to Coby in the wrestling competition. Folks, this why is why I watch reality TV: "Ah feel terrible gittin' mah butt whupped bah uh homuhseshual. But, a lotta gay folk are strong, man. They're all workin' out at the geem 'en all. Damn." Steph and Angie are feeling mightily let down by the men in the tribe. Steph rants, "I've nevuh lost this bad in my whole life--ah'm frickin' embaaarassed." She blames the whole thing on James, even though Bobby Jon's two losses were just as costly. JWSBJB tells Kim, "We're not gonna discuss who we're gonna vote for, we're jes' gonna raht a name down." Then he insists to us that Kim's ouster is a no-brainer. But Steph and Angie ARE using their brains to at least consider booting one of the guys in order to keep the guys from getting a numbers advantage over them. Steph says something about the guys voting them off one by one--which has NEVER happened. Women have banded together to get rid of men, but men have never done so against women. Because most men will never feel physically threatened by women, for one thing. However, all-men or all-women alliances have mainly crumbled because the PEOPLE involved are more interested in alligning with people they like or respect than being true to some silly notion of "gender loyalty." We saw this in the Amazon and in Vanuatu. Anyway, Angie reasons that saving Kim could cost them because she might cost them another challenge becasue she sucks and then they'd still have to vote someone out. Word. Right before Tribal Council, we get this grim exchange:

Steph: "Tide's never this high, what the hell?"
Bobby Jon : "Imagine, something not going our way, you know?"

Kim is meanwhile rolling her eyes and complaining about all those stupid hard-workers she's stuck with, "Bleh! I'm too smart for these morons! This tribe is so lame that they like, never make decisions until the last minute! Bleh!" Oh, honey, they've made their decision, let me assure you.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The U-Turn's file in and Jeff smirks, "I saved your seats from last time, LOSERS." Then he does the math, "We've had seven challenges, and you've won two--and one of them was for that stupid sewing kit. I think this is the worst losing streak in Survivor history! Christine, can you confirm this?" "Well Jeff, it's technically a tie. In the Marquesas, The Maraamu tribe also lost four straight challenges, though there was a tribe shake-up in between. However since all four people who lost were on that tribe originally, I'd have to call this a tie. And I'd also like to note that ultimate winner Vecepia was on that loser tribe for it's first three Tribal Councils." "Thanks for taking the wind out of my sails, Christine." "You're dating Julie! JULIE! AGH!" After security escorted me out, Steph reiterates that she's never lost this badly at anything in her entire life. "I don't know whethuh to flip owwt, scream, cry or what!" "Any of those would make great reality television," Jeff reminds her. Bobby Jon takes responsibility for the team's suckitude, and Jeff tries to get them back on point, "No, no, it's not you, it's Kim. Kim, when you go fishing, who fishes?" "Uh. We all go out, but Bobby Jon and Jim Bob totally Rupert the Hawaiin Sling." "Who's Jim Bob?" "I meant James, but he should be Jim Bob." "That may be true...but what do you do when they're fishing?" "Uh, we sit on the boat." "How useful is that?" "Uh, look Jeff. Steph and I couldn't row the boat out in the big bad ocean all by ourselves, we'd get exhausted and lost--we're just girls!" Steph and Angie insists that even though they rely on the men, they could be self-sufficient if they had too. Angie chirps that the men don't think she's "as wieldly" with the machete as they are. Personally, I wouldn't question her skill with sharp objebcts but I'm not sure I trust her with the English language. Bobby Jon gives the ladies their due respect, saying, "These women are as strong or stronger than a man and if Kim can go use that sling and kill us a bear, I want her too!" Uh, wrong show about people stuck on an island, Bobby Jon. JWSBJB says he's embarrassed to have lost his fight to a "hairdresser," wink wink, but gives Coby props, "That boy raht thar's got some ASS behind him." Er...at least...I think those were props. Jeff restates that the women have been carrying the tribe--which is true of the last competition, but clearly not true of camp life. Kim chimes in, "If we had stronger men with burning passion and control of that passion, then maybe I could sit on my ass all day and we'd win some immunities so I'd get to sit out a challenge or two as well!"

Kim is eliminated 5-1, she votes for JWSBJB. Kim finishes in 15th place along with hard-working BB who would've hated her, Kel who Jeff Probst thinks WASN'T framed for smuggling beef jerky, Jessie the puking Latina sheriff, Tanya the puking white girl, Janet who was accused of smuggling some sort of power bar, Nerd Ryan who gave 100% but not 150% or whatever the hell it was Andrew wanted, and that mouthy bitch Mia who tangled with Twila and lost.

Tonight: Looks like both teams will lose somebody--Survivor did this last season, where we lost JP and Mia. If there's no shuffle, I predict James goes for U-Turn and Caryn for Er-Ror. Remember, Survivor is on Wednesday tonight and next week! :o

Peace
Christine :D