Survivor 8.12 Shii's All That

But no bag of chips until she wins it at a Reward Challenge--them's the rules. Okay, how scary is it that I'm starting to pull for Big Tom as a more palatable alternative to Chachi? I know, it's crazy talk. But Tom's playing a might shrewd game. No, REALLY, he is. It's frightening.

THE SHII STANDS ALONE

Morning at Chattanooga Choo Choo. Shii Ann is cursing Kath's being dispatched by the "smug, horrible Shakirans." She is now the lone Eggo. She approaches Chachi, "Godfather, I realize your mind may be already made up but my commitment to the game of Survivor compels me to humbly ask if there's anyway that I might stay and you might choose another to go next?" "Nah." "Crap." "Yeah." He tells her she need to win immunity and that he needs it too. When she reiterates what he JUST said about his being vulnerable (specifically that she'd be shocked if he made it to the Final Two), he gets ticked off. Chachi's gotten pretty used to his ass being kissed. Shii Ann to stir the pot (not the rice one, the figurative one) while Chachi goes to the shelter and mocks her in front of his stooges. It's very junior high school cafeteria. SHe's talking to Tom on the beach and the others are all watching her. Chachi complains, "Look a' her tryin' t' play duh game instead of jus' sittin' back and lettin' us voht 'er out. She was taakin' tuh me, sayin' look out feh dis person an' whatnot, tryne tuh imply dat you all ain't loyal tuh me no moh." Everyone jumps to their own defense, "How DARE SHE! We are all 100% loyal to you, Godfather. We would NEVER attempt to get further in the game at your expense, oh baseball-capped one!" Stupid lemmings. Tree Mail arrives, and the poem implies that the winner of the Reward will have to determine who gets to eat what. Rupert chimes in, "Well, I'm ah good person as ye' all know, so I'd like ever'one tuh eat." It has been so stormy that even the might Rupert has been unable to fish. The Tree Mail has come with a funny mask, which Tom promptly puts on his head--you'd think it was a toilet seat or something. He starts making ooga-booga chants--you know, like how them funny people talked over thar in Africa--which prompts Rob to declare him a "dumbass." I'd say that was the pot calling the kettle black, but I'd be afraid Omorosa might read this and call me a racist, so I won't.

SUPER CRUEL REWARD QUIZ

Jeff greets everyone as they share a chuckle at the giant masks which hang before them, decorated to resemble them--Chachi's wearing a Red Sox cap, Rupert has a beard, Alicia has cornrows, etc. Poor Jenna laughs, "Amber and I are the same person except with slightly different hair." Amber frowns, "I don't know, you're more "cute" whereas I'm more classically beautiful--oh the MASKS, yes, our masks are very similar Jenna, you're right." Jeff tells them they all have to fill out a questionnaire about the others. Then they'll all guess who the MAJORITY of the tribe picked as the answer to each question--each time you get a right answer, you get to chop a rope which releases a smashing-rod towards the mask of another player--three chops and you're mask gets smashed. "The winner will decide what everyone gets to eat at the Reward Feast. One person will get steak, and the meals will decline until one poor person, let's call her "Shii Ann," will eat cold rice and warm camp water."

Now, this game is designed to be very revealing (note the heavy symbolism of the giant masks being torn down) and it is and it isn't. It is because no one's going to hold back on the people who are perceived as not being in power, but it isn't in that people are going to shield those who they feel DO have power. In other words, no one's gonna say anything bad about Chachi, even if they really do think he's dumber than he thinks or doesn't deserve to be there or what have you. No one's hooked up to a polygraph here--you don't have to reveal anything you don't want to, so it's the weaker members of the tribe who get loaded-up on. The first question is 'Who do you trust with your LIFE," and Rob gets the most votes (Tom and Rupert both guessed themselves, not surprisingly). Alicia makes a big arrogant show of chopping Shii Ann, because who the hell cares, she's outta there, right? This is the "pecking order" game that doomed the Smugglies on Marquesas. Amber's smarter and more diplomatic than those goons ever were and wisely spreads all her chops around. I have to give Amber her props--she's in a place of power in the tribe, but she doesn't go out of her way to alienate Shii Ann because she knows that things can change. In Australia, all her eggs were in Jerri's basket and when she went, Amber didn't have a prayer. Here, she allows for the possibility--however remote, that she may need to deal with Shii Ann being in control. The next question is "Who Doesn't Deserve to Be an All-Star?" and Shii Ann ties with Alicia (most-likely meaning we had a 3 for each and one vote for a third candidate) and Alicia is miffed. Rob chooses to eliminate Tom before Shii Ann, perhaps sending him a message about Lex? Alicia is in for more hurt feelings when she's voted as being "under the false assumption that she's smart." Yeouch. "I don't like these people anymore," she half-jokes. Amber is unanimously the one who "uses sex as a weapon," ditto Jenna as "never shuts up." That's probably her Indian name. Rupert winds up winning.

ALICIA LOSES HER COOL

Alicia is naturally hacked-off at her tribe, "It's not cool! It's not cool to be insulted by a bunch of people, and then have to go live with them!" Rob is predictably amused by her pain--that's what I really hate about Chachi, he's so pathetically insecure and any time someone is good at something or strong or smaaaaht, it threatens him and he gets mean. Any way, the gals all go down to beach to chop vegetables of something-- and it totally reminded me of when Porn Star Brian said that thing about how interesting it was that women just naturally gravitated to doing the "women's work" around camp like doing the dishes and I WILL allow that Chachi winning would still not be as bad as when Brian won. ANY WAY, Poor Jenna tries to cheer-up a scowling Alicia, "Are you okay? If it'll help I'm a big mouth, according to all you guys, and I'm not pouting about it." "Did everyone call you a stupid idiot who didn't deserve to be here?" "Ummm....well, no but Rob called me a stupid idiot and you did TIE with Shii Ann here as not-deserving to be here, right?" Alicia continues to stew, which frustrates Amber, "Alicia's being a big baby and the more unpleasant she is around camp the more likely it is that she'll be voted out." It's funny that Amber WASN'T a top vote-getter in the Least-Deserving Derby, considering she only made the cast because Colleen Haskell and Elizabeth Filarski Hasselback turned it down, I'm just saying. Jenna continues to pester Alicia with aggressive, unwanted comfort, "I'm a mom, it's my job and you're hurt!" "You're not MY Mom," Alicia growls. She suspects Jenna is one of the people who voted her as the least-deserving and dumbest, and tells her to leave her alone, "Jenna and I have ZERO connection--she's the last person I'd got to for comfort. The. Last. Person. Jenna hella bugs." When she can't inflict her will on Alicia, Poor Jenna goes to Rupert and tells him to give everyone a choice, sort of, in picking the meals. Rupert is worried, "This is what killed me in the Pearl Islands/ I let the pecking order be known...then I was gone." Jenna bosses, "Don't be a martyr as USUAL, Rupert. Don't take the lowest thing, give that damned Shii Ann the rice--" "Oh ah'm givin' Shii Ann the rice, don' worry." "Good we have to keep our four strong. You, me, Amber and Rob are unbeatable! We have the numbers and theirs nothing that could POSSIBLY CHANGE THAT!!!" It's really just sad how much faith Jenna and Rupert have put in Amber and Chachi. Jenna then tells us, "I LOVE Rupert, but strategy-wise...he sucks and he needs me around to tell him what to do!" Jenna hella bugs.

CHEZ PECKING ORDER

Everyone arrives at the Cafe Romantica (seriously) where Jeff sits Rupert at the head of the table. He gets first pick and takes the best prize--a steak dinner and all the alcohol he can drink. He gives The Godfather next pick, and Chachi takes a hamburger. Chachi is pleased that Rupert clearly believes in their "alliance of four." Poor Jenna picks next and gets the indescribably horrible and bizarre combination of a hot dog and a glass of orange juice, pleh! Amber chooses the ham/bologna/something sandwich, Alicia's next with a salad, Big Tom gets a plate of diced potatoes and Shii Ann gets stuck with the rice and camp water. "Leave the Asian girl with the rice," she jokes which offends Jenna, "We're not treating Shii Ann like garbage because were racists, we're treating her like garbage because we're invincible creeps!" Tom is also non-thrilled with his cold potatoes, "Thiy se' ih whas uh fahv store restrihnt buh ah woon hit a dawg with ih in the hind end cuz ah got a tater'n it was cawld!" So...hitting a dog in the hind end with something, that's a good thing? Zuh? Big Tom's sayings are so arbitrary. Shii Ann continues to joke, hoping that her horribly camp water is at least boiled, which I thought was a genuinely funny joke to make, then she comments that the crap food tastes better than it would at camp because to the romantic lighting. Jeff fidgets, "Well, uh, this is getting awkward so...I'm gonna go over and eat MY steak, over at Mark Burnett's table. Cheers!" Chachi mocks, "The 5th, 6th an' 7th people weuh gonna voht out wuhn't happy but whadda dey gonna do abow it?" Nothing, because Tom and Alicia see this as Rupert's delusion, not reality. Shii Ann starts in on quilting the others about how good their food looks and Jenna is peeved, "Shii Ann is OBNOXIOUS. Shut up already!" As IF Jenna wouldn't be annoying if SHE had to eat cold rice as everyone else eats good food right in front of her. The challenge is DESIGNED to make people feel bad, why should Shii Ann let you off the hook? Why should she be nice? What does that get her? You've told her to her face you all want her gone, so why should she just sit back and take it? Rupert proceeds to get lit up on beers but not in an interesting way, and everyone else enjoys a little nap on the restaurant's fancy napkins--it's another Beverly Hillbillies moment for Shakira.

PICK A LITTLE, PLOT A LITTLE

Gearing up for the Immunity Challenge, Chachi and AMber sing the Chattanooga Choo choo song as he crows, "Weah gonna kick Shii Ann's ass outta heuh so we don' have to listen to college-girl no moh!" Shii Ann tells Rupert she's gonna try really hard to win, and Rupert claims, 'Ah'm not gonna kill myself because ah don' think ah'm on the block." "Oh, you're not. But can you at least CONSIDER for a moment that getting rid of Mariano is the smartest thing for EVERYONE ELSE in this game!? Come ON, it's SO obvious!!!" Rupert nods, "Yeah, I've talked to my boss, Jenna, about that but I'm we're in Rob's super-strong alliance of four so...we're gonna stick with that." Shii Ann continues to sow seeds, "There are people here who'd switch if they knew they had the majority." That's giving them too much credit, actually, but it's cute that she thinks this. Elsewhere, Alicia and Big Tom discuss voting out Rupert before Shii Ann and their mutual worriation over Amber and Chachi's unbreakable bond, but it still doesn't occur to them to stage a coup. They're counting on being three and four with the same confidence as Jenna and Rupert. Alicia insists, "The original core of Shakira is STRONG--we can't lose. But the only person I have an actual alliance with is Rob--we shook hands even. But do I trust him? Of course I don't." Sigh. Once again, a Survivor CLAIMS they don't trust somebody when in fact they clearly do or why would they behave the way they do? Alicia is making the mistake of many many fallen contestants: she recognizes Rob as a snake, but is mistakenly confident that he's not gonna turn on HER, and, well, certainly not NOW. Chachi and Big Tom go off to strategize, and Big Tom says it'd be a miracle if Shii Ann won immunity. Chachi agrees but still, wisely, wants to plan for that eventuality. Tom feels Shii Ann is infinitely more beatable than Rupert, and that they need to oust him, he plays upon Chachi's insecurities, "It's lahk this, if Shii Ann whins, it's gowna hurt choo moren me." Chachi agrees, "Ah have tuh win--dey hate me. Rupuht tried to buy me off wit' dat hambuhguh but ah know bettuh den dat!" Chachi's continued paranoia in the face of everyone's loyalty is almost Nixonian. Tom lobbies hard to eliminate Rupert. Back at camp, Shii Ann tries to engage Alicia in some strategizing but Alicia isn't biting, "I don't wanna hear it," she barks, "There's already a plan to get rid of you and it's too late to change it!" Unlike Jenna, Shii Ann knows when to back-off, "Okay, I appreciate that," she lies. And I hate to say it, but Alicia is under the false assumption that's she's smart. Because if Shii Ann wins immunity, how can it NOT occur to her that she might be next--being TIED with Shii-Ann in her tribemates minds as LEAST DESERVING TO BE THERE. Do the math, girl!

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

When her head is up on the block
And she needs to do more than just talk
Shii Ann takes a stand
Let's give her a hand
For cleaning the Shakiran's clock

Immunity is a BATTLE OF WILL, the same challenge that doomed Clarence in Africa, after he was runner-up to T-Bird. Teresa vowed not to vote for him, and threw a meaningless vote to Lex who freaked out and turned on Kelly the following vote. The contestants stand on logs with one arm held over their heads and tethered to a big water bucket. If their arm dips or moves to much, the bucket dumps on their head and they're out. Amber is out in 4 minutes and Shii Ann goads, "You don't need it anyway," which riles up Poor Jenna, "No one knows who's SAFE, Shii Ann!" She's all righteously indignant even though she has no idea how seriously Chachi and Amber are about taking out Rupert. She thinks she DOES know who's safe, and she's wrong. Jenna and Big Tom are also both out quickly. When Tom goes out, Shii Ann implores Rupert to fight, "You can't let Rob keep winning." "Damn straight," he mutters. Jenna rallies the troops against Shii Ann, "Her arm is moving--you guys are good! She will aflter and we will win and the Eggos will be no more!!" Jeff needles, "So, I take it there are no secrets in camp?" "No, there isn't," Jenna petulantly chirps, completely unaware of what's really going on. Gah! She hella bugs. Shii Ann chuckles, "Oh there's secrets, young fool. not about who you want out next, but their are secrets." Jenna retorts by sticking out her tongue. Alicia is gone in 40 minutes, and her bucket splatters all over Jeff, which tickles them to no end. Laugh it up, guys, I'm getting a warm bath tonight," he sniffs. Shii Ann shrewdly continues to root-on Rupert, perhaps knowing he prefers to be aligned with women and he's a sucker for friendship. Damn, that came out more cynically than I'd planned. After an hour, Jeff marvels at the fact that Shii Ann hasn't moved a muscle. Rupert whispers in awe, "Shii Ann, you are TOUGH," to which she replies easily, "Dude, I'm gonna win." Loved It! :D Then Chachi gets distracted by a bug on his arm and dumps his bucket, hee. Loved it even more!! :D He lasted an impressive hour and a half. EWveryone on the bench implores Rupert to win, and Rupert seems to be the only one impressed with Shii Ann's determination and strength. You can see in his eyes that he KNOWS she's going to win, and he probably fears retribution. After over two hours, Rupert falters and Shii Ann exults in victory, "TAKE THAT!!!" she shrieks to the bench o'bullies. "Be careful," Alicia growls, "Don't forget you have to come back and live with us now." Yeah, Alicia, wouldn't it suck if you ostracized her and didn't talk to her and totally treated her like crap? Yeah, she'd better watch her step. Shii Ann is weepy as she tells them, "Hey, I love you guys but I really needed this and I won it!" Alicia glowers, "Don't get too cocky." ZUh? Because you're the one who had NO idea that you're going home tonight, sweetie. That's cocky. Rupert is the only one who congratulates her.

QUIZ TIME :D :D :D :D :D :D :D It's FUN!

You know, I'll bet if Jeff asked you guys to answer a quiz, you'd ALL do it. Of those who answered the Amazing Race question, Clay and Porn Star Brian "won" in a landslide--although Nancy was conflicted, "I don't watch the Amazing Race. Does anyone get injured? If so...send in Clay, PLEASE!" I respect that. Jenna and Heidi were close runners-up.

WHOSE IMMUNITY WIN(S) WERE MOST MEMORABLE TO YOU?

A) Kelly in Borneo, winning the last four to foil Rich and company's plan to oust her
B) Colby in Australia, choosing to take Tina and not Keith after Final Immunity win
C) Sir Matt in the Amazon, saving himself by swallowing a live critter
D) Jenna in the Amazon, wresting control from Smart Rob
E) Darrah in the Pearl Islands, keeping Immunity from Burton
F) How could you forget when _______!? (Explain)

I left out when Hatch built that damned fire in Borneo, because I now believe he wasn't in any real danger of being voted out, despite what I'd hoped at the time. Hope to hear from you :)

STUPID, STUPID PEOPLE

Shii Ann tells everyone back at camp, "I wasn't trying to gloat, I was just stoked about foiling your plot to get me out of the game, you know?" Jenna snaps, "EVERYONE gets excited when they win Immunity," and I have NO IDEA who she's annoyed at: Shii Ann for winning? Alicia for being annoyed at Shii Ann? Shii Ann AND Alicia for breathing? Alicia defends her annoyance to the camera, "Shii Ann was trying to throw it in our face," she huffs, even though her use of the collective term "our" to describe "everyone but Shii Ann" makes it obvious to ME why Shii Ann would be compelled to give them the finger. Shii Ann wanders off and the rest scoff, "Let her enjoy her moment," Jenna sneers. The fact that one of them is leaving tonight isn't mentioned. Shii Ann crows to the only person who'll listen--the camera guy, "I'm so stoked that those proud Choo Choo's are gonna have to eat one of their own tonight. Look at them over their, ignoring me when they should be cutting deals. Stupid People. Let me say that again, STUPID STUPID PEOPLE!" Word UP, Shii Ann. She lobbies Tom to oust Chachi, who watches from camp and taunts her attempts to dare win HIS game, "Look at all the strategizing goin' on." He's having difficulty deciding whether to cut loose Alicia or Rupert or Tom or Jenna--you know, the one's he's not sleeping with. He tells us it's probably gonna be Alicia. This IS the smartest play here because if he betrays Rupert NOW, Jenna freaks out and joins Tom and Shii Ann in the Angry Orphans Tribe. Cutting out Alicia only serves to convince Rupert and Jenna and possibly even Tom that they're safe. Amber is the only one who bothers to consult with Shii Ann: she wants Rupert or Poor Jenna to go next, while Shii Ann is pulling for Rupert or Rob, because of their physical strength, "But I know you're doing--I mean, TRUSTING Rob at this point." Amber reveals, "I trust him...and I think even if I'm lying to him he's gonna trust me." Shii Ann is rather taken aback by Amber's honesty, and re-evaluates the easily dismissed pretty-girl as a force to be reckoned with in the game. Amusingly, Rob says almost the same exact thing about Amber that she did about him. He tells us that she trusts HIM 100%, even if he may play her down the line--ah, young love. They're trying to make us think Amber might turn on Chachi at this point, but America's not going for it.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Lex and Kath delight at the sight of an Immunity-cloaked Shii Ann, who beams at them from amongst her enemies. Jeff brings up how, ahem, "vocal" she was after the challenge and she replies, "This tribe has been very up-front and honest with me about my place in this tribe--teetering on the brink of expulsion at all times and just generally not-liked. So, I'm alone in this and they were all against me and I won and I went a little nuts--so what? Like they could hate me MORE than they already do? Please." Rupert praises Shii Ann's fight and laments his Reward-win. He fears he's a target now that he's revealed his pecking order, but fear not, Tom and Alicia are too beholden to Chachi to worry about you, big man. Alicia blathers naively about the strength of the bond between the original Shakira tribe who've been together since Day One. Jeff asks Shii Ann if people came to her to cut deals and she says no, "This tribe is interesting in that no one seems to want to take the leadership role and say, 'This person needs to go," which is actually very diplomatic since Amber and Chachi are undoubtedly calling the shots and she knows it. Poor Jenna has to whine, "That makes us sound DUMB!" No, honey, you do that all by yourself. She goes on, "Maybe we're not telling stupid Shii Ann anything because we don't want her to know our super secret plan so nyaaaaah!" It's all coming back to me why I hated her in the first season--and why her own tribe cast votes at her instead of Hatch when they merged.

Alicia is stunned to be go down in a hail of votes, 6-1. Chachi is typically childish and angry when he casts his, "Dis is payback fuh darin' tuh ahgue wit' me, way back on day three!" Jeff warns, "Shii Ann was very honest about how "respectful" you all were to her in letting her know you hate her guts, yet Alicia had no idea you hated her guts, even though you called her stupid and Non-Star at the Reward Challenge. Something to think about, isn't that right, Motor Mouth?" Jenna tosses her hair, "I'm in the strongest alliance in the HISTORY of Survivor alliances, Jeff, so THERE."

Predictions? As much as I'd like to Shii Ann continue to gum up the works, she's outta there tonight unless Rob and Amber decide to take out Rupert first and I don't really want to see that because I thing Rupert has a better shot at beating Rob down the line (hence him wanting Rupert gone.) I think Big Tom, Rupert and Jenna are going to let their chance to use Shii Ann to break-up the love birds slip right by. Each of them feels confident they can get to four and then duke it out in immunity--Chachi has played them all beautifully. And I think he knows his only chance of winning, with the jury of the bitter and betrayed he's assemble, will be to go in with his cohort Amber or the obnoxious Jenna (I take back everything I said last week about not getting why Kath doesn't want Jenna to win--Jenna HELLA bugs). I'd love to see anyone take out Rob--even Amber. She's playing a more subtle game, as is Big Tom, who again feels like the only person who couldn't POSSIBLY be voted out tonight. I think it's Shii Ann or it's Rupert going home tonight, which sucks.

"I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face!" Alicia Callaway, 2001


Peace! Christine :D

Survivor 8.11 Kath still has "no support"

I don't know if you all remember Kathy wailing about how she had "no support here!!!" in the Marquesas, but I do. I loathed scary KrAzY kAtH from the get-go...and then...over time...I grew to love her. I was devesatated when she biffed the final immunity contest (taking her hand off the pole to fix her shirt when Neleh pointed out she was exposing her cleavage). But I gotta say, Kath lost me this go-around when she was so cold about Sue's meltdown. So I'm like, "Meh." Not a lot actually happened this week either--certainly very little drama...

I HATE A RAINY NIGHT

Night at Chatanooga Choo Choo. The gang returns from Tribal Council to find their fire has been swept out to see. Turns out the Yogi's didn't suck as much as we thought, given the sucky piece of real estate they had to defend. Amber tells us, "Tribal Council is ALWAYS hard, but it was even harder than normal because like, I suffered two votes. Me. Amber. Yeah, I know, it's a crazy world we live in." Alicia worries about Kath's state of mind, as though she might have become blinded by rage and wandered off a cliff. Kath tells us, "I was gonna give my immunity to Lex, I really wanted to. But then I remembered that I came here to win the million dollars and it would be stupid to punt away a chance at it just to spite Boston Rob. He HAS a soul, somewhere. Unlike that bitch, Amber." Back at camp, Chachi assures his girl, "Ambuh, dose votes wuh meant fuh me." Amber rolls her eyes, "Um, DUH!" I wonder how long Amber's gonna stand for being Rob's stand-in at Tribal Council : every time he wins immunity, he leaves her waving in the wind. Chachi's alleged feelings are allegedly hurt by Lex's personal attacks on his character. Kath tries to make nice with Chachi, "Look, Lex had this crazy plan that you, me, him and Big Tom were all gonna be in the Final Four making the big money because he thought our friendship meant as much to YOU as it does to us. Obviously, we were wrong. Plus, he had a deal with Big Tom and I guess he assumed he had one with you. Then we found out you were a disloyal little jerk and we became enraged--what's not to understand?" Chachi is quite pleased that Lex exposed his alliance with Big Tom, "Yuh best friend sold ya out an' he don' even know 'e did!" I'm not a big Big Tom fan, but it's a little too "Minority Report" for Chachi to be targeting Tom because Tom WOULD have turned on him in favor of Lex at some point. How do we know what Tom would have done at the critical time? How do we know Lex wasn't as mistaken about Tom's loyalties as he was about Rob's? The next morning, it's still rainy and cold and no one got any slepp and they're all demoralized and they all miss their families. Which brings us to....

THE MASSIVELY LONG REWARD AND IMMUNITY CHALLENGE WITH THE LETTERS FROM HOME

Kath predicts, "I've got an "X" on my back. If I don't win immunity, I'm outta here." Yep. Jeff is a little smug as he unveils the Doozy Challenge: Two teams will compete in a brutal obstacle course (breaking stuff, balancing, digging, climbing, flying fox blah blah). The winning team of four wins their letters from home and a rain poncho and a chance to win Immunity immediately following, by solving a Thai puzzle. The first person to do that not only gets immunity, but they're the only person who gets to see their video over hot cocoa. Brutal.

Before the actual competition, Jeff shows everyone a minute or two from their tapes, and everyone cries. Amber sees her sister, baby neice and parents, Alicia sees her mom, whom she talks to every day in real life. Big Tom's son Bucky Bo is as incomprehensible as his daddy, which you may remember from Africa. I do give Big Tom props for leering after his own wife for a change and for saying that his son is his best friend. Aw shucks. The only non-moving tape is from Chachi's brother who does a very bad Don King impression to pump up Rob (it's always bad when you have to explain the impression). Shii Ann sniffles as she sees her parents, "They would be as surprises as the rest of America if they knew I'd made it this far." After Kath's son Partick (aka AJ Soprano) tells his mom to bring him the million dollars, Kath overshares, "My son and my life coach were both very worried about my coming back here!" Yeah, yeah. Rupert is of course wrecked when he sees his rocker-babe wife and his adorable daughter. He expresses guilt for being away for so long, having done All-Stars right on the heels of Pearl Islands. Then Jeff reminds everyone that in the season one, Jenna was the only contestant who didn't get to see a fraagment of a video from home because her family didn't get it to them on time (as a former CBS mailroom clerk, I'm rather surprised this was never blamed on the CBS mailroom, as we were certainly blamed for everything else). He does a Ryan Seacrest-like fake-out by making her sweat for a second, "Wouldn't it be horrible if that happened again? Well....I'm verrrrryyyy....GLAD to say, you get to watch twenty seconds of your twin daughters this time!" Her daughers are just cute as can be. One of them signs something to her, and Jenna mentions this--does anyone know the significance of this? Is someone in Jenna's family deaf? Just wondering. I kinda wish Christy could have been on the Yogi's--she'd've fared far better if she had an interpreter for a while.

Then we have the really long challenge. We learn that Alicia and Rupert were made captains and they chose teams, but we don't get to see who got picked in what order, which I would've been interested to see. Rupert and Big Tom are on the same team, which I think might have cost them on the wall-climb, since they're the two heaviest dudes. It's fairly close, but Alicia's team of her, Chachi, Amber and Shii Ann wins. Onto the Immunity Puzzle, and Shii Ann wins because it's a PUZZLE, right? And she's SO good at those, RIGHT? Except she loses. To CHACHI. You know, I don't WANT him to win, but between his winning EVERYTHING and manipulating EVERYONE, it's hard to ignore the fact that it IS his game right now.

EVEN A BOSTON ROB IS RIGHT TWICE A DAY

Everyone returns to the A/V hut to watch Chachi's video and drink the hot chocolate. Chachi looks at the dejected faces of the losers and asks Jeff he could give up his video if it meant Jenna, Rupert, Kathy and Big Tom could read their letters. Jeff chuckles, "Well...that's a nice offer, and since I'd come off like a total bastard if I didn't agree to it...sure." Everyone rejoices and goes over to kiss Chachi's ring but he actually deflects their praise, "Youse guys wudda done da same thing," he insists. Shii Ann marvels at Chachi's heretofore hidden "strength of character" at first, but then quickly recants, "Sure, it was great, but also it was strategy." Everyone's energized and weepy over their families' encouragment. Rupert reads aloud a bit where his wife calls him "the dtrongest man," and he swells with prise, "Ah like that my wife an' kid thing I'm the strongest, toughest son of a bitch out there...even though I'm not. I'd like t' be." Aw hell. Here I was all hardened and sick of Rupert and then he goes and reminds me why I loved him so much in the first place. Go usurp Chachi, you old softie :) Shii Ann weeps, "It's important to remember the friends you have who AREN'T constantly trying to figure out a way to get rid of you!" They could do a whole line of Survivor greeting cards based on that theme. Chachi gets very emotional as he reads his letter, and declares, "AH don' remembuh da last time uh cried. Evuh!" My guess it was last October and Aaron Boone was involved. Chachi claims to be happy for everyone and laments the fact that his selfless action will be misinterpreted as purely a strategy move, then admits it WAS good, from a strategic standpoint. Kinder, gentler Chachi sobs, "Ah love muh family moh den anythin', moh den da money. Ah'm takin' a time out from muhself!" I think we ALL could use a time out from you, Chachi, so thanks. Seriously. I like not hating Boston Rob, it's exhausting.

LAST KATH

Kathy and Chachi come to a sort of truce in terms of their friendship back in the world, I guess. They agree they're square and then set off to destroy one another. Kath and Shii Ann dish the dirt as they go in search of water. Kath reasons, "It could be me or it could be you going tonight." Shii Ann laughs, "C'mon, Kathy, it's SO you." "Yeah." Bitter, bitter Kathy goes on and on about how the whole thing with the letters was strictly about manipulationg everyone, "I'm sure that way down deep in that empty cavity where most of us have hearts, he vaguely maybe didn't want us to die from the grief of being seperated from our families but MAINLY, it was about fooling these idiots into thinking he wasn't evil! If these lemmings were smart, they'd get rid of Rob RIGHT NOW!" Shii Ann reasons, "Uh, well Kath, he HAS had immunity since we've merged." Kath raves, "Stupid Jenna thinks she's Final Three and she is SO NOT Final Three-- I was Final Three, I should know." Shii Ann ventures, "It's not Jenna, it's Big Tom---" "No, it's NOT Big Tom and even HE'S not dumb enough to think that." She never DOES tell Shii Ann who she THINKS is their ideal Final Three...personally I think it IS Jenna. Kath sets out to tell everyone what they should be doing--everyone LOVES that, right?

Kath chats up Big Tom, "7 & 5, that's when you gotta make the big moves--that's when I did it, and it really worked. You never had to do it becasue Ethan and Lex were carrying you along the whole way in Africa, but in this game, you need to start reacting quicker, you big dummy. And don't let Jenna win!" "Sh' woh'" Now, Jenna's always kinda irritated me but after seeing her cute twins, all the anti-Jenna stuff ticked me off. She watches all the scrambling from the Chattanooga Clubhouse with a fretful Chachi and Amber. Chachi insists, "We got all ah stuff set up--ah hope dey try'n screw us, cuz it won' work!" How is trying to avoid elimination AT YOUR HANDS "tryin' tuh screw you," Chachi. Honestly. Everyone has just as much right to the million as you do. Shii Ann provides a sounding board for Alicia, who remains cool and stoic--she barely MOVES. I mean, she raises that one eyebrow and that's it, her lips don't even move when she talks as she mutters, "Rupert and Jenna are in our tribe but...I don't quite trust them." SHii Ann pshaws, "They're YOGI'S for crying out loud--we got rid of ours!" Alicia almost nods but not quite, "Jenna hella bugs." Shii Ann nods, "Word." Shii Ann says (claims?) that Rupert and Jenna approached her about targeting Alicia the first day she got there and a grim Alicia is not surprised, "Of course they did!" I don't hold out much hope that Alicia's gonna win Survivor but if I never need to storm a beach somewhere, I'd want Alicia at my side. Kath meanwhile is still on the lecture circuit, this time with Rupert, "7 & 5, that's the best time to make a big move in this game, which you wouldn't know anything about becasue you're a big loser who only made it to 8." Big Tom meanwhile is very up front with Shii Ann about his alliance with Chachi and Amber, and Shii Ann lays on the incredulity when Tom tells her they're bringing him to the Final Three.

Kath and Shii Ann have certainly thrown the camp into a tizzy. Chachi grills Alicia about her conversation with Shii Ann and Alicia shoots back, "Shii Ann has been talking alot with your boy Tom, maybe you should worry about that, Mister Plan Man. I don't trust any of you. And Jenna hella bugs." Jenna and Rupert watch as Kath, Shii Ann and Tom talk on the beach, "This HAS to be all about me, doesn't it? I don't think they'd be talking so much if they weren't agreeing to vote me out, and earlier? Alicia wouldn't even look me in the eye!" She then tells us, all clueless and smug, "Rob and Amber and Rupert and I have SUCH a strong alliance that we haven't even really bother to fool Big Tom or Alicia into thinking they have a shot at the Final Four, which could be really dangerous! This is what doomed me in the first season!" No it isn't. You're dumb tribe targeted one another instead of Hatch, allowing HIS alliance to pick you off one by one. Jenna hella bugs.

EVERYONE LOVES A QUIZ :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

The majority of voters felt that Lex's biggest mistake was his tattoo of an eightball with a knife though it. Tonight's Quiz Question:

It was recently announced by CBS that annoying ALLISON from "Big Brother 4" would be competing in the next season of "The Amazing Race," along with her boyfriend (surprisingly, he didn't dump her despite all her extracurricular snogging). What Survivor ALLIES would be the most annoying for you to watch as a team on "The Amazing Race"?

A) Brandon and Lindsay from Africa
B) Sean and Vecepia from Marquesas
C) Porn Star Brian and Clay from Thailand
D) Jenna and Heidi from the Amazon
E) I have an even worse possibilty (explain)

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff calls in juror Lex, and he's shaved his head into a mohawk becasue he didn't have time to tattoo, "LOOK AT ME DAMMIT!!!!!" on his forehead. Jeff asks Kath how it can be that this season has had the most acrimony and yet, the closest bonds between friendships and of course, she takes the opportunity to indirectly indict Rob for his lack of loyalty. Big Tom says it's always hard to write someone's name down, but it's always better than seeing your own name come up. He says he wants to win, but he wants to win with class. Kathy beams, "Class? That's me! He's siding with me!" Chachi is tired of apologizing for playing to win, "ALl Stah is hahduh den othuh suhvivuh's cuz we got all dese freindships in real life...ah guess days no real ansuh. But win wit' class? What's class?" Oh, Chachi, it'd take so long to explain. Shii Ann lobbies to stick around longer, "Look, I know I'm gonna be the last of the Eggo's once you vote out Kathy but you need to be thinking about who you want to bring into the Final 3 who you can beat and that is sooooo me. I haven't won anything. EVER. Think about that." Kath tries one last time to hire herslef out as a consultant, "This game gets kuh RAY zee at 7 people guys, I mean, you don't even know. You don't know because most of you didn't get to 7 last time because you're losers. Amber did, but she's a big fat liar so who cares? Help me help you!"

Kathy is ousted 6-2, with Amber getting her and Shii Ann's votes. Shii Ann sobs as she watches her only true friend depart the game. In her exit, Kath laments stupidly trusting Chachi, and reminds us how she was robbed the first time around, which she was, but she needs to get past it. Like how I need to get past last night's American Idol results....seriously, what was UP with that?

What's next? I'd be surprised, however pleasantly, if Alicia and Rupert and Jenna would side with Shii Ann to topple Chachi and Amber, but ousting Shii Ann is simply the easist move for everyone. No one's sure where they stand, except that it's closer to Chachi than Shii Ann. Unless they topple Big Tom, the only remaining player in the game who's been to the Final Four. Six of the lowest seven finishers still remain in the game--in fact, only Amber and Big Tom can still finish WORSE than they did in their original game. Hopefully Kath planted seeds that will flower into Chachi-strangling weeds :) I fear for Alicia :( It'd be nice if Rupert didn't go out a sucker AGAIN.

"It was good that I had to go to the bathroom. I performed in the line of duty."
Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, 2002

Peace! Christine :D

Survivor 8.10 It's business this time...right, Lex? :D

You know, I wasn't even hating Lex this year until this episode where he brings self-centered hypocrisy to a whole new stratosphere. C'est la Survivor!

Morning at Fakira, and Lex explains, "Getting rid of Jerri was major harsh, man, but it was soooo necessary. I needed to cut her loose as a favor to my good friend Mr. Mariano--and trust me, when I need to cash in that favor, he's gonna deliver. He's a man of his word." What are you basing that on, Lex? Surely not Survivor: Marquesas where Chachi continuously boasted to the world about all his double-dealing game playing. Anyway, sadness abounds at Fakko Fakko, where everyone assumes that Lex was SMART and kept his ally Jerri rather than his enemy, Amber. Rob moans, "Ah hope Ambuh's still heuh. Ah said some prahs last night...hopefuhly Lex came through fuh me." Then Tom colorfully adds, "Ah reckon ah nev' seen Rawb suh messed up lahk win a cayf is suckin' his momma's titties an' yuh wean 'im thayl go thruh finces an' crah. Tikes thee dies tuh wean a cayf from it's momma...human's abow the saim." I imagine there was an amusing executives meeting over whether or not it's okay to say "titties" in the family hour so long as you're talking about cows and, possibly, Amber. Elsewhere, Chachi and Alicia almost come to blows: "Straight up, I'll never right your name down, man." "Ah'll nevuh write YUH name down!" "Yo, I won't just say that and then put a knife in your back." "Me EITHUH!" "We got an alliance, understand?" "Yuh damn right I understand!!!" And thus, a very loud secret alliance is born.

REWARD CHALLENGE

Fakko Fakko gets it's first look at the new Fakira and they all try really hard not to laugh in Lex's face. Poor Jenna starts crying because, as we all remember from season one, that's what Poor Jenna does in regards to EVERYTHING. The reward is for a freakin' spa treatment--I swear I'm getting so sick of the spa treatments, the gourmet meals, yadda yadda yadda. These people have been stranded in the wilderness for 3 weeks, why not treat them to a couple episodes of their favorite TV show or a chance to listen to a favorite album? All the rewards are the same: "WOW! A Shower! A Bed! A Meal!" Zzzzzzzzzzz. This challenge is basically musical chairs with clay pots. The players dive in the water to recover them and there aren't enough for every one. Several waves of that, then the best three have to race to shore carrying a heavy chest. Shii Ann and Jenna are out first--you can't say they aren't consistant--then Amber, Alicia and Big Tom. That leaves Lex, Chachi and Rupert. This is a challenge made for Rupert, with his brute strength and his big heart. Chachi decides to run along the ocean floor as long as he possibly can and is under so long that Probst frets, "He's been down a long time," causing Amber to frown with mild concern. It's all very "Greg falls off his surfboard in Hawaii on the Brady Bunch." But then he's fine--he's a loser, but he's fine. Rupert wins.

SPA BLAH BLAH

Rupert's victory allows him to pick two people to come with him and he stuns everyone by choosing Amber, "This is t' make up fer the 24 hours you just spent in the living hell that is any moment away from our tribal family, Amber!" He then picks Jenna because they've been tribemates the whole time (and are the last remaining Yogi's). She was also the ONLY person rooting for him to win. A helicopter arrives to whisk them away and of course Jenna cries while Rupert blubbers about how proud his daughter is gonna be to see him win the contest, "She's gonna say I've got the strongest Daddy in the whole wide world!" Then he gushes about being "in heaven with two goddesses!" I guess it's Rupert's turn this week to forget HE'S MARRIED. He reminds us, "This is my FIRST ever reward I've ever gotten on Survivor because the one time I won I gave my pancake breakfast away!" Yes, Rupert, we all remember the moment we started losing respect for you. As usual, we have to suffer through a bunch of rhapsodizing about all the toiletries we non-Survivors take for granted: "Omigod! Deodorant smells so AWESOME!" Then we get Jenna auditioning for post-Survivor commercial work, "I think you'll LOVE Aqua Smooth mascara as much as I do, Amber." I don't know what to say about the "Amber and the electric toothbrush" scene except that it probably pushed some of the show's younger viewers into puberty. Jenna and Amber hold hands during their massages. Then they play Barbies! It's all quite nauseating. Rupert can. not. stop. giggling. The girls arrive to dinner all dolled up and Rupert squeals with delight, "I wanted to kiss and hug them ALL OVER!" Ay Carumba, I hope Rupert enjoyed sleeping on the couch the night this show aired. Rupert toasts their inevitable success, "No matter WHAT happens, you, you, me Rob and Big Tom are gonna be the strongest Final 5 in the history of the game! Blood may be thinker then water but ya know what's thinker than blood? Arbitrary Survivor tribal alliances!" Poor Jenna agrees, "We are the bestest friends in the history of Survivor!" Amber all but slinks under the table as she peeks guiltily over the top of her wine glass but Rupert and Jenna are too aglow with arrogance and optimism to notice.

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY (EXCEPT NOT SO MUCH THE HAPPY PART)

The tribes assemble and they're all very sure there's gonna be a merge and they're all quite pleased with themselves for being right even though they were all wrong about it only a few days ago. They are told by Jeff to "drop their buffs," which always sounds a little untoward to me, and put on beautiful new blue ones. Then he tells them that they aren't returning to the old camps--they have to rebuild on Old Yogi Beach and scavenge for whatever's left, which I thought was hella cool. Jeff gives them a tarp and a flag and TWO, count 'em TWO Hawaiian slings--one for Rupert, one for everyone else. Alicia and Amber set to coming up with a new tribe name by combining portions of all three tribe names and settle on Chaboga Mogo. I will be referring to them as the Chattanooga Choo Choo's, because it makes just as much sense. Lex raves, "I'm sooo thrilled to be merged for no other reason than the game has CHANGED, man, and that's what it's all about if you're a competitor like me. This is where it REALLY gets exciting for game players like ME me me, blah blah me me bleh." He wastes no time in scurrying after Chachi looking for reassurances of loyalty, which Chachi has no problem supplying, sort of, "AH will do all uh ken and yuh got all duh friends in duh game, ya know what I mean?" Uh..not really. He has great fun mocking Lex for our benefit, "Save Ambuh and ah save you? Yuh din't really believe that, did ya? C'mon! Ah bin playin' duh game since the second ah got heuh! It's all a game." Normally I hate Chachi's jerky boasting, but it was such a refreshing contrast to Lex's hypocritical self-righteous bluster that I found myself enjoying him this time. Don't want him to win the war, but loved him winning this battle. Lex warns, "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, I'll slit your throat." Chachi lies, "Ah'd nevuh do dat--ah haven't done dat duh whole game." Smart Rob begs to differ.

LOVE, AGELESS AND EVERMEAN

Amber and Chachi go for a private walk to reunite and plot. "Ah was so happy tuh see yuh, Ambuh." "Yeah, great, whatever, me too." "I carved uh "A" in muh ahm fuh yuh." "Um. I painted my nails...for YOU! Yeah. That sounds plausible. Now what's the plan?" "We need tuh get ridda Lex." "Crap. I promised Lex and Kath they'd be in the Final 5 with us and Big Tom." "So?" "Can't we get rid of Rupert or Jenna?" "Nah." "Crap." "Look, ah know it's hahd tuh screw people ovuh--" "No, it's not that. That's kinda fun. I'm just scared everyone's gonna clue into the fact that we're plotting against them then come after us!" "Nah." Amber is seriously cold-blooded, offering up Rupert and Jenna so easily after the spa blah blah, while Chachi seems consumed with ousting Lex in order to assure Big Tom's loyalty, at the possible expense of the bigger picture. Amber is wise to worry, since they have deals with everyone except Shii Ann and Alicia (interestingly enough, Chachi seems to have neglected to tell Amber about his deal with Alicia).

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

If you don't wanna be sent home next
then your lungs and your muscles you'll flex
actually really
relax and breathe freely
you're safe unless your name is Lex

Immunity is a grueling contest that starts with an underwater breath-holding contest. The two best women and the two best men move into the Finals, where one man and one woman will each win immunity, which is a fun little twist. Amber and Kath wind up squaring off as do Chachi and Lex. the final is a brutal swimming race to undo a bunch of buoys that are tied to the ocean floor. Kath bests Amber (Kath, who at 50 is literally twice Amber's age) while Chachi downs Lex.

LEX IS A BIG WHINY BABY

Back at Chattanooga, Kath and Lex have seen the writing the wall. Lex sniffs, "There's something sooo telling about how we've been here a WHOLE day and Rob hasn't lifted a finger to make us feel more comfortable!" Kath agrees, "He's yankin' our change, man." I think it's sooo telling that Lex and Kath are speaking of themselves as guests in Chachi's kingdom. Then Lex echoes the sentiments of every Friday morning water-cooler Quarterback, "Whoa, I made a huuuuge mistake the other day--a possibly game-ending blunder by keeping Amber and getting rid of Jerri and I think I may be about to pay for it!" Nice of you to join the rest of us in the land of No Duh, Lex. Chachi has a pow-wow with Kath and Lex and informs them that their services, while greatly appreciated, are no longer required, "Ah've decided tuh stick tuh my original alliance, me, Ambuh, Big Tom, Alicia...Uh...Jenna and uh....uh...." Kath glumly reminds him, "Rupert." "Yeah, yeah, Rupuht." Lex is indignant, "I can't even BELIEVE what I'm hearing! Let me tell you something, that wasn't strategy or game it was one brother coming to another brother and that is SACRED man. I had my game all planned out and I changed it FOR YOU! Because you're my FRIEND! And let me tell you, if I'd gotten rid of Amber I'd have come in here with MY numbers advantage!" Yeah, DUH, Lex, we know. Chachi makes sure that Lex and Kath know that HE knows that they felt Big Tom would have swung over to their group. Lex blathers again, "I screwed over my own game to help you because we're FRIENDS!" He keeps saying this as though it indicts Chachi for his lack of character, when in fact it indicts him for his own stupidity. Also, Lex is even dumber still if he really had his game "all worked out," since Survivor is game of adaptation to unexpected change. Chachi tries to claim the high ground by talking up his loyalty to the others, which matters not a whit to Lex, "I can't believe you won't screw them over in favor of me! Haven't I shown the most loyalty by wrecking my own flawless foolproof game plan in order to help you, MY FRIEND!?" Chachi then insists, "Ah nevuh promised yuh anythin, ah said "if ah ken help yuh ah will," but it turns out I ken't, sorry," which isn't true--there was no "if" in his statement to Lex that "Take are of her, I'll take care of you." Though he IS taking care of Lex in a fashion, heh heh. Kath is so weepy and maudlin I can't BELIEVE she's sober as she babbles, "We were ALWAYS gonna take you to the BITTER end, babe...and this man...let me tell you something about THIS MAN, my friend Lex here. He was PROUD to take you into the Final Four. PROUD! I should have listened to you , Lex. No friends in this game. NO FRIENDS! BAaaaaaaH!" So...let's be clear on this, Kath. It's okay to weep and wail when you've been lied to, but NOT when you've been sexually molested? I'm just trying to keep up. Also, Lex fails to thank Chachi for being so honorable and cool by telling him to his face that he was being voted out :p The righteous indignation Lex has about this is truly laughable, considering he lied to and betrayed both Rich and then Colby before telling Ethan and Jerri in all sincerity that friendship had nothing to do with the difficult business decision he had to make in eliminating them from the game. Grow up, paint boy. The knife Rob in your back still has your fingerprints and Jerri's blood on it.
SUPER FUN QUIZ TIME!! :D ANSWER THE QUIZ! IT'S FUN! :D :D :D

Speaking of Jerri, her love of her own "perseverance" was judged the most obsessive (and inexplicable) by the majority of those who voted. Rock the vote, people! This week's question:

WHAT WAS LEX'S BIGGEST MISTAKE?

A) Forgot to bring his "Freakin' cool sunglasses" to the Pearl Islands
B) Neglected to prove his worth to the tribe by re-creating The Uber Spoon
C) Missed opportunity to recapture the "MotoMaji" Magic by naming Panama tribe "AguaFuego"
D) That lame-ass tattoo of the eight ball with a knife through it

Kath continues to sob. She tells Lex, "I don't want to stay here, I'm going to give you the immunity necklace, I don't want it. I can MAKE a million dollars somewhere." She apologizes for lobbying on Chachi's behalf, but Lex won't hear of it. He tells her (rightly) that it's not her fault and that she should keep the necklace because she earned it and he doesn't want it. And of course, the entitled jack-ass doesn't mean a word of that. Kath is just as self-righteous as Lex, "I don't believe it's just a game--not where friendships are concerned." Did you tell that to Lex when he dumped his pal Ethan? Agh, SHUT UP. If ya can't stand the cheat, stay out of the Survivor. Leading up to Tribal Council, Kath is seriously foolishly considering giving up her immunity to save Lex, just to spite Chachi.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff gives his spiel about how now when they screw someone over, they'e putting someone on the jury who might hate them. Then he asks Rupert to talk about the mood at camp. Rupert frets, "Everything was tested today--alliances were tested, physical abilities were tested. Today was really hard." Being the "powerhouse tribe" isn't so fun when you have to see the carnage up close, is it Rupert? Jeff asks Chachi if tomorrow will bring better things. "Hopefuhly, Jeff, duh sun'll come out tuhmorruh. Ah'll bet muh bottom dolluh det tuhmorruh? Deh'll be sun. When Ah'm stuck wit uh day dat's gray an' lonely Ah jus' stick out muh chin--" and then it starts raining. He chuckles, "Yuh got two choices--eithuh laugh oh cry." "Or Kill," Lex whispers, his eyes bugging out with scary crazy Lex-rage. Jenna echoes Rupert's fretting about the not-fun conflict back at camp, "Game plans were spoken aloud and it wasn't nice to hear." It'll be even less nice for you to hear when Chachi tells you it's your turn to go, Jenna. Wise up. Amber, sensing a possible sea change exhorts her constituents, "This is a VERY important vote, people. VERY IMPORTANT. No matter what Kath says, don't vote for me." Chachi then makes a speech, "Ah gotta say sumpin, it's a game. Ah understand dat emotions ah real, feelins ah real an' regahdless uh what happens ah'm ya friend. If ya don' wanna be muh friend dat's fine but friendship is lastin." This speech reminded be very much of something Mallory's boyfriend Nick might have said on "Family Ties." Chachi and Kath both opt to keep their Immunity Necklaces for themselves, which causes Lex's jaw to literally drop in shock and outrage. Then he just shakes his head in disbelief at the unfairness of it all! How dare Kath think of herself and not him!? Karma OWES him immunity, man! Say, Lex, why don't you call up Kelly, the girl you wrongfully accused of betraying you in Africa, the ally you cut down in favor of lazy Brandon, and ask her how "fair" Survivor is?

Lex is voted out 7-2 and becomes the first member of the jury. He and Kath vote for Amber two days too late, while Shii Ann goes with the flow and votes against Lex. In his exit, Lex pledges his support to Big Tom. Rob has most definitely put one vote on the jury that will never be his. Lex made several MAJOR blunders: he eliminated two players who almost certainly would have been loyal to him till the end (Jerri and Ethan); he let Chachi dictate the game to him, and in focusing on "getting rid of the strong guys who win the physical competitions," he only highlighted his own physical prowess--and dangerousness--to Chachi. Even with a numbers disadvantage, Chachi would have targeted Ethan and/or Colby first before seeing to Lex had either of them still been in the game. It's funny that "The Apprentice" seems to be highlighting the difficulty women often have in working together and supporting one another, while it's the men on "Survivor" that really need to start banding together and actively, consciously, getting rid of the gals. We've had two female winners in a row and, with only three men and five women in the game, the odds are tipping towards a third. I'm not saying that it SHOULD degenerate into "boys vs. girls," I'm just saying that if a guy's in your alliance, who the heck cares if he's stronger than you? Lex and Ethan used one another's strength in Africa: every time one of them won, it meant they COLLECTIVELY had the power to get rid of whomever they want. But now, thanks to the targeting of Colby, Ethan and Lex, everyone's worried about Rob's STRENGTH, Rupert's STRENGTH...when they should be MORE worried about Poor Jenna's non-threateningness. A person who gives you NO reason to vote against them is probably the biggest REAL threat. Just ask Sandra.

Note: Shii Ann and Chachi have, at the very least, guaranteed themselves a spot on the jury. Neither of them made it that far in their previous Survivor go-around.

What's next? I have no idea. The obvious scenario has Chachi and his posse ousting Kath or Shii Ann, but I wouldn't count out Chachi jumping the gun to oust Rupert or Jenna OR Kath being successful in unseating Rob from his throne. He's been a little too obvious for his own good about who's calling all the shots (though that didn't really hurt past dictator-winners Tina and Brian). His accomplice Amber might go in his place if he wins immunity. Alicia--who doesn't seem to fit into anyone's plans--also might go. The only person I'd call safe tonight is Big Tom...Big Tom REALLY could win this whole thing come to think about it, which is kinda terrifying. Hold on to your hats and glasses!

"If I think that he's in a situation where he's gonna screw me over and stab me in the back, I'm gonna cut his throat!"

Lex van den Berghe, 2001

Peace! Christine :D

Survivor 8.9

WORKERS AND PARASITES

Morning at Shakira finds Big Tom and Rupert annoying their torpid tribe by, like, working? In the morning!? Rupert isn't happy about the others' lazines but he knows that telling them what a bunch of slacker losers they are isn't politically smart. "Hopefuhly, we'll merge wit the Mogo whatstheirnames and those guys will work--least until we vote 'em out one by one," he muses to Tom as they go out fishing. Actually, to hear Big Tom tell it, Rupert goes fishing while Big Tom goes watching, since Rupert's always hawgin' the sling, "Weh beh ow hyeh twehn two dyes an' ah nevuh toucht it hwonce!" Uh...anyone want to tell Big Tom that they've only HAD the sling since they swiped it from the Eggos two or three days ago? Rupert starts packing up the gear and is naturally miffed when Big Tom insists on going out and trying to catch ONE fish himself. Rupert is also puzzled by Tom's decision to wear shoes but considering how sharp the reef is I think it's smart. Tom does indeed catch a small fish and it is not humanly possibly to be more patronizing than Rupert is in his praise of Tom's accomplishment, "Well, Big Tom was soooo cute, tryin' to be a fisherman like meself, hee hee. And he DID catch a fish, he sure did. It was an adorable little fish--a goldfish type fish like the kind you might win at a carnival with a ping pong ball? But Tom sure enough caught the little guy an' that's the important thing." Get over yourself, Rupert.

Meanwhile, Jerri is not endearing herself to her tribe as she continues to complain about all the obvious discomforts one would expect if you went camping in Central America during the rainy season with inadequate supplies, though she did genuinely make me smile when she groaned, "This rack is WHACK," about their bed. "This place sucks," she mutters as an equally miserable Kath chooses to try to get the fire lit rather than bitch, though privately she does tell us, "It's depressing being on the Big Loser Tribe." Jerri sniffles, "the weather here...it rains ALL the time and everything's so moldy and dank. It's like Oregon EVERY day. It's REALLY starting to get to me...but they can't bring me down." Shii Ann arrives with tree mail about making new friends and a can of green paint. Now, they've all DONE this before, am I right? They've all gotten the paint and smeared fake tribal drawings on themselves in the past but now they're leery. Lex frowns, "This isn't like before--this is All-Star. There could be lead in that thing, Mark Burnett could quite possibly be trying to kill us, my frinds." Then, with no trace of irony, he insists that he doesn't want to show up at the challenge looking like a weirdo. Huh. Well, he is from Santa Cruz. Cut to Shakira who are, or course, practically bathing each other in the mysterious can of red paint that came with their tree mail. "Maybe we should DRINK it!" Jenna enthuses. Like the Eggos, they're all anticipating a merge. Alicia goes out on a limb with this prediction: "We know SOMETHING is going to happen." ya think?

THE VERY ANTI-CLIMACTIC TWIST

The tribes arrive at Reward Beach, and Shakira is thrilled to see that Ethan is gone. Jeff notes the different appearances of the tribe and asks Chachi, "Why put on the paint even though there were no instructions?" "Wuhl, we done this befoh an dat's what we did. Plus, it's anuthuh excuse tuh touch each othuh." Jeff then asks kath why the Eggo's DIDN'T use the paint and she explains, "Well, we were kind of uptight to begin with, and then Jenna stole our sense of fun during that last reward." Jeff then tells them to choose an order. Of course the Eggos have Lex as their first guy and Shakira picks Chachi. Turns out, everyone has to pick a picnic partner! YAY! Lex of course takes the other teams leader to Pow-Wow with. Big Tom takes Jerri to leer at while Shii Ann takes Rupert because, she points out, they're both the lone representatives of their respective seasons. Alicia and Kath wind up together as do Jenna and Amber. Everyone eats delicious food and not much is revealed, though Shii Ann and Rupert do bond a little over how little Jeri does around camp, and how dangerous they think Chachi is. Big Tom is more than happy to drool all over Jerri as she blathers on pretentiously about how the game almost BROKE her, but she's rebounded, dammit. Then they regroup and Jeff tells them to drop their buffs and they all laugh knowingly, because they're all remarkably naive about the Ways of Burnett, and then he tells them to reach into a jar and pull out a new one--it's not a merge, it's shake-up. Or at least, it's SUPPOSED to be. What winds up happening is everyone switches to the other tribe except for leftover Amber, who must now face life without snuggle-buddy Chachi and Barbie-buddy Jenna. Aw, so sad. Rupert chokes back a sob when he's informed the Hawaiian sling they stole is going back to the tribe that one it in the first place. Alicia and Jenna run over and give her a hug as though they're never gonna see her again.

CLUB FAKE SHAKIRA

"I'm the one who got screwed here," Amber laments, while the Fake Shakirans marvel at the cool House Dat Chachi Built, with it's swing, bench and pillows. Shii Ann raves, "It's paradise! It's an organized, beautiful camp." It was especially funny to see Lex marvel at the beauty of Shakira since he was so bitter when the Eggo's lost the shelter-building contest. See Lex? It IS a freakin' mansion. Amber tries not to puke while she toasts her new tribe, "I was in a sorority, so I can like, TOTALLY be fake and pretend to like people I hate," she reasons.

CAMP FAKE EGGO

"We got the short end of the stick," Alicia sneers at the dank, dirty hovel that is Leggo my Eggo, "This camp is in disarray, they're bugs everywhere, the shelter's tiny and there's NO firewood--it sucks." Chachi half-heartedly tries to rally the troops into building a new shelter but the others agree that putting a better roof on the existing one is all that's necessary. C'mon guys, you gotta know you're merging in 3 days, am I right? Anyway, as though Alicia's list of complaints wasn't enough, Poor Jenna chimes in, "The camp is in a bunch of nettles, they lost their saw and their cooking pot (why weren't we informed of that?) their camp is like, practically gonna be washed away by the high tide which is like, REALLY high...It's a crap camp. The gang partakes of yet another picnic but they're very somber. All we hear for the longest time is enough disgusting food-munching sounds to fill a dozen Carl's Jr. commercials until Rupert sighs, "Amber should be here," and everyone agrees and toasts her. Rupert continues to whine, "I hate thinkin' about them over there, with all the rice and the Hawaiian Sling that we stole from them, and all the pillows and stuff you guys won before I got here--it's not fair." Alicia tries to buck their spirits with a little smack-talk, "Maybe it'll make ;them feel even worse when they see how GREAT we've been living this whole time. It'll knock 'em down further because they SUCK!" Nope. The Fakirans are just enjoying the ride. Jerri wallows in a good toothbrushin' while Shii Ann and Kath indulge in the shampoo. Amber pouts, "I kinda figured that the first thing these losers would do would get themselves all clean and hygienic with OUR stuff." Which is a really strange thing to complain about when you're gonna be sleeping next to somebody for the next several days but whatever. At Camp Fakko Fakko, Chachi has lost all his bounce and arrogance. He sighs, "Ah hope AMbuh's okay. Ah keer abou' huh an' it kills me tuh have huh ovuh dere buh huhself." Rupert nods, "I just pray they don't kill her and eat her for food," as the other nod soberly. Jenna quietly sobs.

BIG GIANT SURVIVOR IMMUNITY QUIZ!

Remember when Mike fed the fire?
Or how Jerri framed Kel--what a liar!
Remember your names
and who won what games
you'll be closer to winning Survivor!

Tree Mail arrives and announces that the Immunity Challenge is a quiz about the History of Survivor. I am now of course coveting the little Tree Mail book. I AM employed, so maybe I'll win something on the EBay auction this year. Anyway, the tribes pick their brains about the last seven seasons. Jerri reminds us, "Keith couldn't cook rice and Kel was caught with beef jerky!" Neither of which is really true--Jerri TOLD everyone she saw Kel eating something that LOOKED like jerky, which he claimed was tree bark that he chewed on to stave off hunger. It was never proved otherwise. And Keith COULD cook rice...just not very well. The Fakirans realize it would be a good thing to recall the first person booted from each season, but the name of the last one, "the woman in the blue dress," eludes them. But you all remember it's Nicole, right? I mean, this WAS the year that the first six people booted actually came back for another challenge and Tribal Council, right? At Fakko Fakko, Chachi is consumed with protecting Ambuh at all costs. He's like Jimmy Carter during the Iran Hostage Crisis--he means well but he should be playing it more cool.

The actual quiz was pretty easy and both tribes do very well. I'd like to quibble here and say I wish they'd waited to do this as an individual challenge rather than one where everyone could confer. Each tribe misses one question: The Fakko's claim that Survivor: Africa took place in Nairobi when it was in Kenya (this from Big Tom who was THERE) and the Fakirans aren't specific enough when they remember that the first group of Survivors had to eat grubs--Poor Jenna will never forget that she swallowed Butok bug larvae >:p When asked about the Pearl Islands resident mortician, Lex whistles and leers, "I remember DARRAH! AH WOO GAH!" You know what I remember, Lex? That you're married. Jeff and Burnett of course have to remind everyone of Osten's weakness--he almost DROWNED. The nerve. It comes down to a tie-break where the tribes do indeed have to come up with the name of the first bootee in every season and the Fakkos do, while the Fakirans dub Nicole "Kim." It is a bittersweet victory for the Fakkos, especially Chachi, who fear they've doomed Amber. He grabs Lex as the tribes are filing out and hisses, "Yuh take care uh huh, ah'll take care uh yuh." It's weird--I really loathe Chachi and here he is displaying dreadful strategy--it would seem--by tipping his hand to Lex and yet it's so human and vulnerable I can't help feeling kinda bad for him. Ouch, that hurt to admit.

SCRAMBLIN' AMBER

Ack! The Pelican of DEATH! Who's doomed? Well, you'd Think that Amber was ACTUALLY going to die by the solemn Fakkos reaction to their Immunity win. Chachi insists, "If Lex is smaht, he'll pruhtect huh. Did is wicked Hahd." They toast her yet even once more and Rupert shakes his head, "Hears to her finding some damn way to avoid being executed, dismembered, and thrown to the pelicans by those Mogo whatchamacallit bastards." I'm ready to officially dub Old Shakira aka Fakko Fakko a bona fide cult. Chachi snifles, "AH put an A on muh ahm fuh Ambuh. AMBUUUUUUH!"

At Fakira, Kath marvels, "Different buffs, same result: we're a sorry bunch of losers, guys." Kath heard Chachi's "godfather move" of telling Lex there'd be quid pro quo for saving his guhl but she frets, "If we save Amber then we're sucking up to Mariano!" Shii Ann agrees, "And I don't think he's gonna be around long!" I don't know WHAT Shii Ann's basing that on besides his general jerkiness--she admitted earlier that he could potentially win every immunity challenge left in the game even if WAS unpopular, and he actually IS well liked by the Fakkos. At any rate, Shii Ann shrugs, "I GUESS we're gonna get rid of Amber. We kind of have to. I guess. I mean, one less original Shakiran...that's the logical move, right?" Shii and Kath agree that Amber will never REALLY be on their side but that Chachi will be FURIOUS if they boot his girlfriend and they're all quaky about it, like he really IS a Godfather who could have them whacked. Amber tells Kath that she's voting for Jerri, "I AM a better player that she is and better at the challenges," she reasons. Kath nods, "Yes, but so were Ethan, Colby and Hatch." The women get serious and Amber offers a scenario of the two of them and Lex and Big Tom as the Final Four. Amber adds, "Lex thinks that Big Tom is going to still be on his side based on the Africa alliance, right?" Kath confirms, "Yes, he does. Even though he betrayed his alliance-mate Ethan just the other day, he's still counting on Tom's loyalty."

Kath goes to Lex and lobbies him against Jerri, "It IS Jerri, you know, she does kind of suck. And Chachi's gonna be really mad at us if we don't so as he says." Lex scratches his chin to show how HARD he's thinking, man. "This will be horrible for Jerri. But I think I can really exploit the favor if we deliver for Mr. Mariano. It makes more strategic sense to do the CRAZY thing, am I right? Honoring my alliances in Africa cost me a million dollars so I kinda HAVE to betray Jerri. And it's not REALLY a betrayal if I tell it to their face, I've decided." He tells Jerri he loves her which naturally freaks her out and she demands to know what's changed, "How...why...when did this change? After all I've overcome--Rupert's stupidity, Ethan's mild contempt, Colby's continued indifference to my sexual advances, the frickin' rain...and now you're gonna turn around and dump me?" Lex sighs, "Well...the notoriously shifty Chachi Mariano gave me a vague promise and it makes NO strategic sense to not roll the dice and see what comes of it, you dig? Plus...you ARE Jerri. You aren't quite as evil as you were in the Outback but you are still kind of a drag." Jerri insists that Chachi can't be trusted and that he and Amber will only truly be faithful to one another. She implores him to keep her around as she'll always be on his side. Lex insists, "I'll think about what you've said, sweetie--I ALWAYS think before I move, always. This is when the game gets even MORE intense then it was already. This is when you have to do the unexpected thing." He huddles up Shii Ann and Kath so they can "go over every possible outcome" of this decision, as if that were actually possible.

PLEASE ANSWER THE LITTLE SURVIVOR QUIZ--IT'S FUN! :D

Which is the most creepily obsessive relationship on this season of Survivor?

A) Chachi's love fuh Ambuh
B) Rupert's love for the Hawaiian Sling
C) Lex's love of his own "genius"
D) Jerri's love of her own "perseverance"

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Kath about the differences between their new camp and the old one and she laughs, "Uh, Shakira is a four-star hotel to our dirty cardboard box, Jeff. I'm embarrassed that our camp wasn't a little better for those guys but as you know, we'd lost our will to live about a week ago." Jeff continues, "Amber, we had all these visions of a totally big shake-up and it wound up being lame because you were the only one that switched. We're you as disappointed as us?" "Hell yeah I was, the Eggos suck. But now I'm like TOTALLY one of them and I like really love my new tribe. I'm completely devoted, you know?" Jeff chuckles, "Shii Ann, you can't POSSIBLY believe that, crafty Asian that you are." "Well, on the one hand, it'd be silly to believe anything Amber says, her being so desperate and doomed and whatnot. But on the other hand...she's not Jerri." Jeff turns to Jerri, "Hey, this must have been kinda fun though, to be reunited with your old flunky Amber, who so cheerfully did your bidding in the Outback." America sudden;y makes the connection, "Oh YEAH, that's right! They were like, best pals in the Outback" We didn't remember because they barely seem to acknowledge one another. Jerri flashes her fake tight smile, "Oh, yes, it was SO great to be reunited with my Outback sister Ashley." Amber bites on her hand to keep from screaming. Jeff wonders if Lex was thrilled to get Amber and only Amber, making it easy for them to take out a member of the opposing tribe despite their inferior numbers. Lex bugs out his eyes, "Man, that's the obvious answer, right? That's what America is probably EXPECTING ol' Lex to do, but this game is all twisty and turny like my guts! And my gut and my brain agree that it ain't over until it's over and I gotta do what makes the most strategic sense which in this case is the thing that makes the LEAST strategic sense. I just blew your freakin' mind, didn't I?"

Jerri is voted out 4-1 and announces, "It's been an HONOR serving with you guys." Sharon Stone will play her in the movie. She starts crying and tells Jeff, "I want some CHOCOLATE," which may or may not be some kind of code come-on, since Jerri equated sex and chocolate back in the Outback (prompting Colby to famously quip, "I ain't no Hershey bar!") Jeff hustles her out the door. This was a weird vote. I don't get their fear of Chachi nor do I get what ALL of them think they'd be getting out of the "deal" in saving Amber. Didn't he just make it to Lex? But Jerri's also been Jerri--unhelpful and bitchy, and so why NOT dump her? They don't have the numbers no matter WHAT they do, and maybe they're right in thinking Chachi will winnow down his tribe a little (he doesn't care for either Alicia or Rupert) before he takes out Shii Ann or Kath whom he can't be very threatened by, physically speaking. I hope this all winds up biting him in the butt.

Predictions for tonight? Well, since the TV commercials have shown everyone in new blue buffs, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say there's a merge tonight. Also, we've been shown not one but TWO immunity necklaces in the TV spots--cool. I'm pulling for Chachi taking a tumble--he's promised so much to so many, and now that they're all together, maybe Rupert and one more person (Alicia?) will help the Eggos? I dunno. Lex is certainly the biggest target in my mind. I think he's the most likely evictee. If he wins immunity, they'll dump Shii Ann or Kath. Despite the Hillbilly Yacht Cruise, I doubt they'll show her any love now that they don't need her, numbers-wise. Or maybe Chachi WILL use the Eggos to oust Rupert first...heck if I know :) I just know that I'm looking forward to it. IF we follow form, the next person out will become the first member of the jury, though I can't help but wonder if, for All-Star, EVERYONE will be back. We'll see.

"I've surprised myself with the things I hear myself say. After they come out, I want to suck them back in, but it's too late."

Jerri Manthey, 2001

Peace! :D
Christine

Survivor 8.8 ETHAN!" NOooooooo! plus lame clip show

Okay, is it just me or did they change that from being a real episode to being a clip show at the last minute? At any rate, the clip show was a big waste o' time as usual, though at least this time we weren't treated to a whole segment about who's gassy or stinky or snores, which these things are usually all about. We did get Too Much Information about Colby's "chafing" problem on his,er, bait box. I did enjoy Shakira's skit about the Yogi's first trip to Tribal Council--Smart Rob's Jeff Probst imitation was perfect and Amber's humorous take on Tina indicated that Amber might actually have a personality. Maybe. I of course didn't appreciate Chachi's portrayal of Ethan as a preening jackass. Chachi jealously insisted, "Ah wan'd tuh shoh hoh ridiculous Ethan is wit' his "Jerri Curls." Okay, first of all, Ethan's hair is magnificent and naturally curly. Second of all, this is pretty big talk coming from Boston Rob, a guy who'd lose a beard-growing contest to most 14-year-olds, I'm just saying. Then we had a bit about how no one can understand a word Big Tom says (I learned on "Survivor: Africa" that even closed-captioning gives up on Big Tom), we saw Jerri being bossy and bitchy and annoying her tribe (especially the ever-insecure Rupert), we saw Alicia, Amber and Jenna making cool copper necklaces from the Home Depot box and giving them to all of Shakira (not just the youngsters, ala Lindsay et al in Africa). They showed the sexual-harassment challenge but didn't show the actual rub nor Hatch's piggish "want some?" comment. They re-showed Sue's freak-out but edited out the parts where everyone else came off callous--it was a marvelous whitewash, really. Then, this one time, the Eggo's drank coffee and it made them all go crazy! Sigh. Aren't you glad I reminded you to watch :/ We're also shown that Poor Jenna has become close to Chachi and Amber claims not to be jealous at all of this, even though she refers to it as "Jenna's hanging all over Rob." She claims to have Chachi wrapped around her little finger and he once again claims to be Wile E. Coyote: Super Genius of Survivor All-Stars. The End. Now, onto the real review....

Night at Leggo My Eggo. Kath has returned from the Shakira Hillbilly Yacht Party to dumpy Camp Eggo. It's raining and she's trying to get the fire lit before her tribe returned from tribal Council. When they do, Kath smoothly ducks Lex's "Did you have a nice time?" Kath confide to us that it was jarring not to get any "welcome back Kather" hugs, but "That's just not this tribe." She continues, "Colby was brining down all of us, really, because he doesn't trust anyone. Now it's too late. The Eggos are doomed, so really, my jumping over to Shakira isn't so much a betrayal as it is a Darwinian adaptation necessary for my very survival!" Way to put all your Eggos in one basket, Kath. Lex notices that Colby (arrogantly?) left his cowboy hat hanging on a tree branch and says with typical Lex hyper-sincerity, "I REALLY want to send that to him, if we can," as though it's some grand gesture and not just the obvious thing to do--give the guy his hat back, backstabber. The next day they all sit around and chide the absent Colby for not saying goodbye after they ousted him. Kath is disappointed to hear about this--she'd expected him to wish them good luck or something. Everyone file this away for when any of these clowns get voted out, seriously. Shii Ann puts herself in Colby's shoes, "Jerri, after all those things you said, I'd be all, "You got me!" you know?" Jerri smiles her tight smile and wonders, "Why is Shii Ann talking to me?" Ethan is at sixes and sevens now that he can't trust his ol' Africa alliance mate to even keep him in the loop. The Sun begins to emit freaky evil rays, and a basking Jerri cackles, "YES! I am EVIL once more! And it feels soooooo good!! I've achieved my petty goal of vengeance and my Survivor closet is now clean!" Somewhere, Kel is vehement in his disagreement.

THE REALLY MEAN REWARD CHALLENGE

The tribes get a note telling them to select one person to go to the other tribe with a pen and a message in a bottle. Amber shudders, "Not ONE of us wanted to go if it meant maybe having to, you know, STAY with the Eggos! They don't have a swing!" Shakira decides to draw straws and of course Poor Jenna gets the short one. Alicia sounds like they're planning a bank heist as she checks Jenna's mental status, "You up fuh this? You cool?" Jenna says she is and then frets, "I don't hink this is a GOOD thing...but I haven't done anything interesting since they broke up the Yogi tribe so at least I have something to do this episode." Big Tom asks her to check and see if his lions with Ethan is still taut. Poor Jenna smiles and nods. At Eggo, Lex is doing his "I'm not the leader, but I am doing all the talking," bit, insisting that no one should have to go who doesn't want to and that everyone should be in agreement with who goes, or else $20,000 will be taken out of the pot...oh I'm sorry, wrong reality show. Shii Ann suggests Kath go and Kath sputters, "YES! Uh....that is to say...yes, certainly. If that's what everyone wants, I'd be willing to endure the company of Shakira once more--if that's what YOU want." The switch is made and it turns out the visitor is just there to make a list of three things they'd snake from the other tribe if they won the challenge. Kath assures Shakira, "All this stuff is safe--the Eggos suck." She smiles, "Whenever Kath can put herself foward, she does." Hmmmm.

The challenge turns out to be a log roll, first to hit the water loses. Jeff explains, "The challenges will be man vs. man and woman vs. woman--not because of any inappropriate touching that went on in the past, just...just BECAUSE, okay?" The lists the girls made are revealed, and it turns out Poor Jenna is a mighty good coveter. She wants a bag of rice, their grill and their Hawaiian sling (the spear that shoots). Jerri's mouth gapes while Lex just glares and mentally adds Poor Jenna to "the List," which is probably tattooed on his ass. Kath wants one blanket, the tarp and the parachute. The only remarkable face-off is between Chachi and Magnificent Ethan, which goes on for more than the usual 10 seconds before Chachi wins, damn it. Then, in a decisive battle, Amber squares off with Quisling Qath, who was right to predict--or is that promise?--that Shakira's stuff would be safe. Hmmmm.

Back at Eggo, Shii Ann gathers the loot together so that Poor Jenna can see that they aren't hostile while Lex devotes himself to telling us their sob story, "Rice is our FOOD, man! That's what we EAT. And the Hawaiian sling is what we use to get OTHER FOOD!" Poor Jenna arrives with some consolation prizes, "Hey guys, here's some stuff from some of the other, MANY challenges in which Shakira beat you guys: a bar of soap, a scrub brush, a toothbrush and some toilet paper!" Awww, thanks Jenna! Shii Ann guilts Jenna into leaving some of the rice behind. Jenna observes, "the vibe was really down--they tried to hide it but I could like totally tell. They're slowly losing every thing they have, now that my sucky old tribe isn't around to make them look good." Later that night, Chachi boasts, "Dis whole game has been abou' Shakira kickin ass!" If I know my Survivor, and I think I do, this tribe is in for a huge fall. Rupert get all masturbatory with the Hawaiian sling, cooing to it and reveling in the many days ahead in which he'll get to be RUPERT: PROVIDER TO ALL. Chachi is very impressed in his ability to restrain himself from telling Rupert to jump in a lake and mutters to Amber, "Muh patience is so good." Then Rupert takes his turn telling us that yes, Amber and Chachi are making out all the time and might have actual sex. Yeah, we know. Amber tells us, "At first I was totally using Chachi but now I'm only sorta using him." Chachi marvels, "Ambuh's slammin' and she's wicked smaht." They go make out and the next day Amber declares her love--Survivor style--when she claims, "I trust him 99.9%" Isn't it romantic?

CHACHI'S PATIENCE ISN'T SO GOOD

The next morning, Rupert's like a kid on Christmas, all psyched to go fishing with the Hawaiian sling rather then one of his many pointy sticks. Chachi and Big Tom go with him and mock his enthusiasm. Actually Big Tom just laughs at anything Chachi says. Chachi complains about Rupert's habit of sliding into baby talk--yes folks, CHACHI and BIG TOM are making fun of how someone TALKS. Chachi goes on, "Now dat we got dat sling, we don' need 'im. Dat sling is like goin' to the pet store an' pickin' out waht you want." Now, I have to admit here that Rupert's "Mighty Hunter" act was wearing thin on me too--he's painfully eager to please and kinda insufferable about his "skills." Chachi catches a fish and Rupert gives him a patronizing smile and then tells Big Tom, "I'm just happy he caught a fish." Oh, c'mon. Then his face falls as Rob brings in fish after fish after fish until he's almost doubled Rupert's haul. Chachi can't contain his gloatful glee at out-fishing "Aquaman." But, in his hurry to prove his spear was just as sharp as Rupert's (boys, I swear) he completely blows his strategic advantage with Rupert. Chachi imagines himself to be this great manipulator but he's just not good at subtlety--remember, his alliance with Amber was supposed to be a secret. And now he's gone and made the former "lamb-to-the-slaughter" Rupert's radar go off. Now he feels vulnerable. Now he sees Rob as that mean boy who used to make fun of him in high school. Chachi had him right where he wanted and then he blew it because he wanted to win a pissing--er, fishing contest. Kudos, Rob.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

If you wanna stay in the game
you'd better have pretty good aim
and if you give Jerri
your whole tribe to carry
I'm sorry but that's really lame.

The Immunity Challenge is a series of ancient weapons target shoots: blow gun, spear and then bow and arrow. It's fair to say that everyone and I mean EVERYONE sucks. It gets down to the final game, with Shakira represented by their beloved dictator and go-to-guy, Chachi. Makes sense--he HAS been the key to most of their victories. ANd the Eggos go with...Jerri. Jerri claims to have "archery experience." Okay, am I making this up or did Ethan win a challenge in Africa by shooting flaming arrows and igniting a target? I just don't get putting your immunity chances on her shoulders, so much so that I wonder...nah. She wouldn't. Would she? It wouldn't be the first time someone blew a challenge just so they could vote somebody out (The Drake's did it to oust Burton last season; in Thailand Shii Ann and the Sucks took a powder to get rid of Jed the Slacker Dentist; in Africa Ethan and the rest of New Boron took a dive so they could sent new member Silas packing). Anyway, both Chachi and Jerri bite at archery but Chachi does hit the target once and it's enough because Jerri fails utterly. Hmmmmm.

LEX FLEXS

Jerri is crying because she failed, "I stuck my neck out and now...because of that failure I'm now experiencing the emotions of...what, disappointment and fear? Does that sound right?" Jerri reminds me of Anya on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," a demon trying real hard to behave the way the humans around her do but not quite pulling it off. Lex takes her for a stroll down strategy lane and tells her, "You just one the Lexxo Lotto, baby. I know you think it's gonna be YOU tonight because you're the reason we're going but NO! It's gonna be ETHAN! My old buddy. I bet no one saw THAT coming! Is that good with you?" Jerri frowns, "Duh and hell yes, crazy man." Lex goes on to close the already closed deal, "Ethan is a charmer, okay? He's a nice guy and he's REALLY good at those challenges." Lex keeps telling everyone how "dangerous" Ethan is, but Lex won a hell of a lot of the competitions in Africa, and it would behoove the Eggo Ladies to remember this.

Lex tells us, "Ethan is my FRIEND...I might even have his name tattooed her somewhere, I'm not sure. Point is, the honorable thing to do here is tell him what I'm gonna do so he's not surprised. I have my own agenda--it's business this time. I can't be dragging along an ex-winner with me, dude. this isn't Africa, this is ALL-STAR" Lex decides that the most moral thing to do when stabbing a friend in the back is to tell him you're gonna do it and hopefully get him to agree that it's the right thing to do. Needless to say, Ethan doesn't quite buy it. Lex explains how he's playing a different game then he did in Africa and part of his new strategy is not to be loyal to anyone. "I take no pleasure in this," Lex insists with Shatneresque intensity, "I won't blindside you, man! That wouldn't be right, that wouldn't be fair and, most importantly, that wouldn't be cool. And you and I both know that I'm ALWAYS cool." Then he rubs salt in the wound, "I know it's a major drag to go out before Jerri," causing Ethan to foam at the mouth, "Grrr! Jerri! She sucks!" Lex decrees that Jerri's laziness makes her a non-threat, even though a couple lazy people have actually won the game (Vecepia and Rich Jenna were not big on chores). Ethan refuses to accept Lex's apology and stomps off to lobby Qath. He insists that Jerri doesn't deserve to be there, which I don't necessarily agree with. This isn't a game about the hardest working or bestest athlete automatically winning. He plants a seed of doubt with Kath, wondering if she can really depend on the increasingly unpredictable Lex to keep her around longer than he will keep Jerri. Kath tells Ethan, "I'm leaning towards you, trust me." Once again she has the power to sway the vote how she wants. Shii Ann is never seen in these strategy meetings--maybe she really is just sitting in the shelter waiting to be told how to vote.

MOST BORING TRIBAL COUNCIL EVER

Jeff begins, "Well, we all know Ethan's going tonight, but Jerri...we gotta go through the motions here. Do you feel bad about sucking so bad at the archery?" Jerri shrugs, "I had the guts to try something, you know? And I failed and I said I was sorry so there. End of story." Shii Ann agrees, "jerri said she could do it and we accepted her word at face value even though she's been known to lie and exaggerate in the past, and then she failed miserably. But that could have happened to any of us. Happened to her though, let's be clear on that." Ethan tries one last time to pitch his "No one will give a millionaire another million," platform, but Lex rather skillfully shoots him down by arguing that a past winner who was able to get to the Final Two despite the huge target on his back would have the respect of the jury and might just win. I tend to agree, especially in Ethan's case.

It's a moot point :( Ethan is voted out 4-1, and makes a point of kissing everyone on the head and wishing them good luck so they don't dis him behind his back the way they did Colby. Actually, what he says is "Take care, play hard, don't let the bedbugs bite," which may be a kind of taunt since they actually DO get bitten by bugs every night. Jeff warns them, "Trust will now become you're most valuable commodity," and the camera cuts to a bemused Jerri. I think it was dumb to get rid of Ethan this early because he WAS trustworthy. Lex could have made an alliance with him and used his vote to further his agenda after a merge (if there is one). I think Lex is so interested in making unexpected moves that he's missing the bigger picture.

Tonight it looks like a switch of some sort so it's hard to say who's out. It is interesting to note that of the 18 All-Stars invited to play, the 7 players who finished lowest in their respective seasons are still in the game--is their a sort of class warfare going on that will now target 3rd place finishers Lex and Kath? Are Chachi and Shii Ann destined to win because they were only 10th placers in their original games!? Time will tell...

"We were happy, it was so pleasant, we were like: "we're in Africa!"" Ethan Zohn, 2001

Peace Out! Christine :D