Survivor 8.10 It's business this time...right, Lex? :D

You know, I wasn't even hating Lex this year until this episode where he brings self-centered hypocrisy to a whole new stratosphere. C'est la Survivor!

Morning at Fakira, and Lex explains, "Getting rid of Jerri was major harsh, man, but it was soooo necessary. I needed to cut her loose as a favor to my good friend Mr. Mariano--and trust me, when I need to cash in that favor, he's gonna deliver. He's a man of his word." What are you basing that on, Lex? Surely not Survivor: Marquesas where Chachi continuously boasted to the world about all his double-dealing game playing. Anyway, sadness abounds at Fakko Fakko, where everyone assumes that Lex was SMART and kept his ally Jerri rather than his enemy, Amber. Rob moans, "Ah hope Ambuh's still heuh. Ah said some prahs last night...hopefuhly Lex came through fuh me." Then Tom colorfully adds, "Ah reckon ah nev' seen Rawb suh messed up lahk win a cayf is suckin' his momma's titties an' yuh wean 'im thayl go thruh finces an' crah. Tikes thee dies tuh wean a cayf from it's momma...human's abow the saim." I imagine there was an amusing executives meeting over whether or not it's okay to say "titties" in the family hour so long as you're talking about cows and, possibly, Amber. Elsewhere, Chachi and Alicia almost come to blows: "Straight up, I'll never right your name down, man." "Ah'll nevuh write YUH name down!" "Yo, I won't just say that and then put a knife in your back." "Me EITHUH!" "We got an alliance, understand?" "Yuh damn right I understand!!!" And thus, a very loud secret alliance is born.

REWARD CHALLENGE

Fakko Fakko gets it's first look at the new Fakira and they all try really hard not to laugh in Lex's face. Poor Jenna starts crying because, as we all remember from season one, that's what Poor Jenna does in regards to EVERYTHING. The reward is for a freakin' spa treatment--I swear I'm getting so sick of the spa treatments, the gourmet meals, yadda yadda yadda. These people have been stranded in the wilderness for 3 weeks, why not treat them to a couple episodes of their favorite TV show or a chance to listen to a favorite album? All the rewards are the same: "WOW! A Shower! A Bed! A Meal!" Zzzzzzzzzzz. This challenge is basically musical chairs with clay pots. The players dive in the water to recover them and there aren't enough for every one. Several waves of that, then the best three have to race to shore carrying a heavy chest. Shii Ann and Jenna are out first--you can't say they aren't consistant--then Amber, Alicia and Big Tom. That leaves Lex, Chachi and Rupert. This is a challenge made for Rupert, with his brute strength and his big heart. Chachi decides to run along the ocean floor as long as he possibly can and is under so long that Probst frets, "He's been down a long time," causing Amber to frown with mild concern. It's all very "Greg falls off his surfboard in Hawaii on the Brady Bunch." But then he's fine--he's a loser, but he's fine. Rupert wins.

SPA BLAH BLAH

Rupert's victory allows him to pick two people to come with him and he stuns everyone by choosing Amber, "This is t' make up fer the 24 hours you just spent in the living hell that is any moment away from our tribal family, Amber!" He then picks Jenna because they've been tribemates the whole time (and are the last remaining Yogi's). She was also the ONLY person rooting for him to win. A helicopter arrives to whisk them away and of course Jenna cries while Rupert blubbers about how proud his daughter is gonna be to see him win the contest, "She's gonna say I've got the strongest Daddy in the whole wide world!" Then he gushes about being "in heaven with two goddesses!" I guess it's Rupert's turn this week to forget HE'S MARRIED. He reminds us, "This is my FIRST ever reward I've ever gotten on Survivor because the one time I won I gave my pancake breakfast away!" Yes, Rupert, we all remember the moment we started losing respect for you. As usual, we have to suffer through a bunch of rhapsodizing about all the toiletries we non-Survivors take for granted: "Omigod! Deodorant smells so AWESOME!" Then we get Jenna auditioning for post-Survivor commercial work, "I think you'll LOVE Aqua Smooth mascara as much as I do, Amber." I don't know what to say about the "Amber and the electric toothbrush" scene except that it probably pushed some of the show's younger viewers into puberty. Jenna and Amber hold hands during their massages. Then they play Barbies! It's all quite nauseating. Rupert can. not. stop. giggling. The girls arrive to dinner all dolled up and Rupert squeals with delight, "I wanted to kiss and hug them ALL OVER!" Ay Carumba, I hope Rupert enjoyed sleeping on the couch the night this show aired. Rupert toasts their inevitable success, "No matter WHAT happens, you, you, me Rob and Big Tom are gonna be the strongest Final 5 in the history of the game! Blood may be thinker then water but ya know what's thinker than blood? Arbitrary Survivor tribal alliances!" Poor Jenna agrees, "We are the bestest friends in the history of Survivor!" Amber all but slinks under the table as she peeks guiltily over the top of her wine glass but Rupert and Jenna are too aglow with arrogance and optimism to notice.

ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY (EXCEPT NOT SO MUCH THE HAPPY PART)

The tribes assemble and they're all very sure there's gonna be a merge and they're all quite pleased with themselves for being right even though they were all wrong about it only a few days ago. They are told by Jeff to "drop their buffs," which always sounds a little untoward to me, and put on beautiful new blue ones. Then he tells them that they aren't returning to the old camps--they have to rebuild on Old Yogi Beach and scavenge for whatever's left, which I thought was hella cool. Jeff gives them a tarp and a flag and TWO, count 'em TWO Hawaiian slings--one for Rupert, one for everyone else. Alicia and Amber set to coming up with a new tribe name by combining portions of all three tribe names and settle on Chaboga Mogo. I will be referring to them as the Chattanooga Choo Choo's, because it makes just as much sense. Lex raves, "I'm sooo thrilled to be merged for no other reason than the game has CHANGED, man, and that's what it's all about if you're a competitor like me. This is where it REALLY gets exciting for game players like ME me me, blah blah me me bleh." He wastes no time in scurrying after Chachi looking for reassurances of loyalty, which Chachi has no problem supplying, sort of, "AH will do all uh ken and yuh got all duh friends in duh game, ya know what I mean?" Uh..not really. He has great fun mocking Lex for our benefit, "Save Ambuh and ah save you? Yuh din't really believe that, did ya? C'mon! Ah bin playin' duh game since the second ah got heuh! It's all a game." Normally I hate Chachi's jerky boasting, but it was such a refreshing contrast to Lex's hypocritical self-righteous bluster that I found myself enjoying him this time. Don't want him to win the war, but loved him winning this battle. Lex warns, "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, I'll slit your throat." Chachi lies, "Ah'd nevuh do dat--ah haven't done dat duh whole game." Smart Rob begs to differ.

LOVE, AGELESS AND EVERMEAN

Amber and Chachi go for a private walk to reunite and plot. "Ah was so happy tuh see yuh, Ambuh." "Yeah, great, whatever, me too." "I carved uh "A" in muh ahm fuh yuh." "Um. I painted my nails...for YOU! Yeah. That sounds plausible. Now what's the plan?" "We need tuh get ridda Lex." "Crap. I promised Lex and Kath they'd be in the Final 5 with us and Big Tom." "So?" "Can't we get rid of Rupert or Jenna?" "Nah." "Crap." "Look, ah know it's hahd tuh screw people ovuh--" "No, it's not that. That's kinda fun. I'm just scared everyone's gonna clue into the fact that we're plotting against them then come after us!" "Nah." Amber is seriously cold-blooded, offering up Rupert and Jenna so easily after the spa blah blah, while Chachi seems consumed with ousting Lex in order to assure Big Tom's loyalty, at the possible expense of the bigger picture. Amber is wise to worry, since they have deals with everyone except Shii Ann and Alicia (interestingly enough, Chachi seems to have neglected to tell Amber about his deal with Alicia).

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

If you don't wanna be sent home next
then your lungs and your muscles you'll flex
actually really
relax and breathe freely
you're safe unless your name is Lex

Immunity is a grueling contest that starts with an underwater breath-holding contest. The two best women and the two best men move into the Finals, where one man and one woman will each win immunity, which is a fun little twist. Amber and Kath wind up squaring off as do Chachi and Lex. the final is a brutal swimming race to undo a bunch of buoys that are tied to the ocean floor. Kath bests Amber (Kath, who at 50 is literally twice Amber's age) while Chachi downs Lex.

LEX IS A BIG WHINY BABY

Back at Chattanooga, Kath and Lex have seen the writing the wall. Lex sniffs, "There's something sooo telling about how we've been here a WHOLE day and Rob hasn't lifted a finger to make us feel more comfortable!" Kath agrees, "He's yankin' our change, man." I think it's sooo telling that Lex and Kath are speaking of themselves as guests in Chachi's kingdom. Then Lex echoes the sentiments of every Friday morning water-cooler Quarterback, "Whoa, I made a huuuuge mistake the other day--a possibly game-ending blunder by keeping Amber and getting rid of Jerri and I think I may be about to pay for it!" Nice of you to join the rest of us in the land of No Duh, Lex. Chachi has a pow-wow with Kath and Lex and informs them that their services, while greatly appreciated, are no longer required, "Ah've decided tuh stick tuh my original alliance, me, Ambuh, Big Tom, Alicia...Uh...Jenna and uh....uh...." Kath glumly reminds him, "Rupert." "Yeah, yeah, Rupuht." Lex is indignant, "I can't even BELIEVE what I'm hearing! Let me tell you something, that wasn't strategy or game it was one brother coming to another brother and that is SACRED man. I had my game all planned out and I changed it FOR YOU! Because you're my FRIEND! And let me tell you, if I'd gotten rid of Amber I'd have come in here with MY numbers advantage!" Yeah, DUH, Lex, we know. Chachi makes sure that Lex and Kath know that HE knows that they felt Big Tom would have swung over to their group. Lex blathers again, "I screwed over my own game to help you because we're FRIENDS!" He keeps saying this as though it indicts Chachi for his lack of character, when in fact it indicts him for his own stupidity. Also, Lex is even dumber still if he really had his game "all worked out," since Survivor is game of adaptation to unexpected change. Chachi tries to claim the high ground by talking up his loyalty to the others, which matters not a whit to Lex, "I can't believe you won't screw them over in favor of me! Haven't I shown the most loyalty by wrecking my own flawless foolproof game plan in order to help you, MY FRIEND!?" Chachi then insists, "Ah nevuh promised yuh anythin, ah said "if ah ken help yuh ah will," but it turns out I ken't, sorry," which isn't true--there was no "if" in his statement to Lex that "Take are of her, I'll take care of you." Though he IS taking care of Lex in a fashion, heh heh. Kath is so weepy and maudlin I can't BELIEVE she's sober as she babbles, "We were ALWAYS gonna take you to the BITTER end, babe...and this man...let me tell you something about THIS MAN, my friend Lex here. He was PROUD to take you into the Final Four. PROUD! I should have listened to you , Lex. No friends in this game. NO FRIENDS! BAaaaaaaH!" So...let's be clear on this, Kath. It's okay to weep and wail when you've been lied to, but NOT when you've been sexually molested? I'm just trying to keep up. Also, Lex fails to thank Chachi for being so honorable and cool by telling him to his face that he was being voted out :p The righteous indignation Lex has about this is truly laughable, considering he lied to and betrayed both Rich and then Colby before telling Ethan and Jerri in all sincerity that friendship had nothing to do with the difficult business decision he had to make in eliminating them from the game. Grow up, paint boy. The knife Rob in your back still has your fingerprints and Jerri's blood on it.
SUPER FUN QUIZ TIME!! :D ANSWER THE QUIZ! IT'S FUN! :D :D :D

Speaking of Jerri, her love of her own "perseverance" was judged the most obsessive (and inexplicable) by the majority of those who voted. Rock the vote, people! This week's question:

WHAT WAS LEX'S BIGGEST MISTAKE?

A) Forgot to bring his "Freakin' cool sunglasses" to the Pearl Islands
B) Neglected to prove his worth to the tribe by re-creating The Uber Spoon
C) Missed opportunity to recapture the "MotoMaji" Magic by naming Panama tribe "AguaFuego"
D) That lame-ass tattoo of the eight ball with a knife through it

Kath continues to sob. She tells Lex, "I don't want to stay here, I'm going to give you the immunity necklace, I don't want it. I can MAKE a million dollars somewhere." She apologizes for lobbying on Chachi's behalf, but Lex won't hear of it. He tells her (rightly) that it's not her fault and that she should keep the necklace because she earned it and he doesn't want it. And of course, the entitled jack-ass doesn't mean a word of that. Kath is just as self-righteous as Lex, "I don't believe it's just a game--not where friendships are concerned." Did you tell that to Lex when he dumped his pal Ethan? Agh, SHUT UP. If ya can't stand the cheat, stay out of the Survivor. Leading up to Tribal Council, Kath is seriously foolishly considering giving up her immunity to save Lex, just to spite Chachi.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff gives his spiel about how now when they screw someone over, they'e putting someone on the jury who might hate them. Then he asks Rupert to talk about the mood at camp. Rupert frets, "Everything was tested today--alliances were tested, physical abilities were tested. Today was really hard." Being the "powerhouse tribe" isn't so fun when you have to see the carnage up close, is it Rupert? Jeff asks Chachi if tomorrow will bring better things. "Hopefuhly, Jeff, duh sun'll come out tuhmorruh. Ah'll bet muh bottom dolluh det tuhmorruh? Deh'll be sun. When Ah'm stuck wit uh day dat's gray an' lonely Ah jus' stick out muh chin--" and then it starts raining. He chuckles, "Yuh got two choices--eithuh laugh oh cry." "Or Kill," Lex whispers, his eyes bugging out with scary crazy Lex-rage. Jenna echoes Rupert's fretting about the not-fun conflict back at camp, "Game plans were spoken aloud and it wasn't nice to hear." It'll be even less nice for you to hear when Chachi tells you it's your turn to go, Jenna. Wise up. Amber, sensing a possible sea change exhorts her constituents, "This is a VERY important vote, people. VERY IMPORTANT. No matter what Kath says, don't vote for me." Chachi then makes a speech, "Ah gotta say sumpin, it's a game. Ah understand dat emotions ah real, feelins ah real an' regahdless uh what happens ah'm ya friend. If ya don' wanna be muh friend dat's fine but friendship is lastin." This speech reminded be very much of something Mallory's boyfriend Nick might have said on "Family Ties." Chachi and Kath both opt to keep their Immunity Necklaces for themselves, which causes Lex's jaw to literally drop in shock and outrage. Then he just shakes his head in disbelief at the unfairness of it all! How dare Kath think of herself and not him!? Karma OWES him immunity, man! Say, Lex, why don't you call up Kelly, the girl you wrongfully accused of betraying you in Africa, the ally you cut down in favor of lazy Brandon, and ask her how "fair" Survivor is?

Lex is voted out 7-2 and becomes the first member of the jury. He and Kath vote for Amber two days too late, while Shii Ann goes with the flow and votes against Lex. In his exit, Lex pledges his support to Big Tom. Rob has most definitely put one vote on the jury that will never be his. Lex made several MAJOR blunders: he eliminated two players who almost certainly would have been loyal to him till the end (Jerri and Ethan); he let Chachi dictate the game to him, and in focusing on "getting rid of the strong guys who win the physical competitions," he only highlighted his own physical prowess--and dangerousness--to Chachi. Even with a numbers disadvantage, Chachi would have targeted Ethan and/or Colby first before seeing to Lex had either of them still been in the game. It's funny that "The Apprentice" seems to be highlighting the difficulty women often have in working together and supporting one another, while it's the men on "Survivor" that really need to start banding together and actively, consciously, getting rid of the gals. We've had two female winners in a row and, with only three men and five women in the game, the odds are tipping towards a third. I'm not saying that it SHOULD degenerate into "boys vs. girls," I'm just saying that if a guy's in your alliance, who the heck cares if he's stronger than you? Lex and Ethan used one another's strength in Africa: every time one of them won, it meant they COLLECTIVELY had the power to get rid of whomever they want. But now, thanks to the targeting of Colby, Ethan and Lex, everyone's worried about Rob's STRENGTH, Rupert's STRENGTH...when they should be MORE worried about Poor Jenna's non-threateningness. A person who gives you NO reason to vote against them is probably the biggest REAL threat. Just ask Sandra.

Note: Shii Ann and Chachi have, at the very least, guaranteed themselves a spot on the jury. Neither of them made it that far in their previous Survivor go-around.

What's next? I have no idea. The obvious scenario has Chachi and his posse ousting Kath or Shii Ann, but I wouldn't count out Chachi jumping the gun to oust Rupert or Jenna OR Kath being successful in unseating Rob from his throne. He's been a little too obvious for his own good about who's calling all the shots (though that didn't really hurt past dictator-winners Tina and Brian). His accomplice Amber might go in his place if he wins immunity. Alicia--who doesn't seem to fit into anyone's plans--also might go. The only person I'd call safe tonight is Big Tom...Big Tom REALLY could win this whole thing come to think about it, which is kinda terrifying. Hold on to your hats and glasses!

"If I think that he's in a situation where he's gonna screw me over and stab me in the back, I'm gonna cut his throat!"

Lex van den Berghe, 2001

Peace! Christine :D