Survivor 8.8 ETHAN!" NOooooooo! plus lame clip show

Okay, is it just me or did they change that from being a real episode to being a clip show at the last minute? At any rate, the clip show was a big waste o' time as usual, though at least this time we weren't treated to a whole segment about who's gassy or stinky or snores, which these things are usually all about. We did get Too Much Information about Colby's "chafing" problem on his,er, bait box. I did enjoy Shakira's skit about the Yogi's first trip to Tribal Council--Smart Rob's Jeff Probst imitation was perfect and Amber's humorous take on Tina indicated that Amber might actually have a personality. Maybe. I of course didn't appreciate Chachi's portrayal of Ethan as a preening jackass. Chachi jealously insisted, "Ah wan'd tuh shoh hoh ridiculous Ethan is wit' his "Jerri Curls." Okay, first of all, Ethan's hair is magnificent and naturally curly. Second of all, this is pretty big talk coming from Boston Rob, a guy who'd lose a beard-growing contest to most 14-year-olds, I'm just saying. Then we had a bit about how no one can understand a word Big Tom says (I learned on "Survivor: Africa" that even closed-captioning gives up on Big Tom), we saw Jerri being bossy and bitchy and annoying her tribe (especially the ever-insecure Rupert), we saw Alicia, Amber and Jenna making cool copper necklaces from the Home Depot box and giving them to all of Shakira (not just the youngsters, ala Lindsay et al in Africa). They showed the sexual-harassment challenge but didn't show the actual rub nor Hatch's piggish "want some?" comment. They re-showed Sue's freak-out but edited out the parts where everyone else came off callous--it was a marvelous whitewash, really. Then, this one time, the Eggo's drank coffee and it made them all go crazy! Sigh. Aren't you glad I reminded you to watch :/ We're also shown that Poor Jenna has become close to Chachi and Amber claims not to be jealous at all of this, even though she refers to it as "Jenna's hanging all over Rob." She claims to have Chachi wrapped around her little finger and he once again claims to be Wile E. Coyote: Super Genius of Survivor All-Stars. The End. Now, onto the real review....

Night at Leggo My Eggo. Kath has returned from the Shakira Hillbilly Yacht Party to dumpy Camp Eggo. It's raining and she's trying to get the fire lit before her tribe returned from tribal Council. When they do, Kath smoothly ducks Lex's "Did you have a nice time?" Kath confide to us that it was jarring not to get any "welcome back Kather" hugs, but "That's just not this tribe." She continues, "Colby was brining down all of us, really, because he doesn't trust anyone. Now it's too late. The Eggos are doomed, so really, my jumping over to Shakira isn't so much a betrayal as it is a Darwinian adaptation necessary for my very survival!" Way to put all your Eggos in one basket, Kath. Lex notices that Colby (arrogantly?) left his cowboy hat hanging on a tree branch and says with typical Lex hyper-sincerity, "I REALLY want to send that to him, if we can," as though it's some grand gesture and not just the obvious thing to do--give the guy his hat back, backstabber. The next day they all sit around and chide the absent Colby for not saying goodbye after they ousted him. Kath is disappointed to hear about this--she'd expected him to wish them good luck or something. Everyone file this away for when any of these clowns get voted out, seriously. Shii Ann puts herself in Colby's shoes, "Jerri, after all those things you said, I'd be all, "You got me!" you know?" Jerri smiles her tight smile and wonders, "Why is Shii Ann talking to me?" Ethan is at sixes and sevens now that he can't trust his ol' Africa alliance mate to even keep him in the loop. The Sun begins to emit freaky evil rays, and a basking Jerri cackles, "YES! I am EVIL once more! And it feels soooooo good!! I've achieved my petty goal of vengeance and my Survivor closet is now clean!" Somewhere, Kel is vehement in his disagreement.

THE REALLY MEAN REWARD CHALLENGE

The tribes get a note telling them to select one person to go to the other tribe with a pen and a message in a bottle. Amber shudders, "Not ONE of us wanted to go if it meant maybe having to, you know, STAY with the Eggos! They don't have a swing!" Shakira decides to draw straws and of course Poor Jenna gets the short one. Alicia sounds like they're planning a bank heist as she checks Jenna's mental status, "You up fuh this? You cool?" Jenna says she is and then frets, "I don't hink this is a GOOD thing...but I haven't done anything interesting since they broke up the Yogi tribe so at least I have something to do this episode." Big Tom asks her to check and see if his lions with Ethan is still taut. Poor Jenna smiles and nods. At Eggo, Lex is doing his "I'm not the leader, but I am doing all the talking," bit, insisting that no one should have to go who doesn't want to and that everyone should be in agreement with who goes, or else $20,000 will be taken out of the pot...oh I'm sorry, wrong reality show. Shii Ann suggests Kath go and Kath sputters, "YES! Uh....that is to say...yes, certainly. If that's what everyone wants, I'd be willing to endure the company of Shakira once more--if that's what YOU want." The switch is made and it turns out the visitor is just there to make a list of three things they'd snake from the other tribe if they won the challenge. Kath assures Shakira, "All this stuff is safe--the Eggos suck." She smiles, "Whenever Kath can put herself foward, she does." Hmmmm.

The challenge turns out to be a log roll, first to hit the water loses. Jeff explains, "The challenges will be man vs. man and woman vs. woman--not because of any inappropriate touching that went on in the past, just...just BECAUSE, okay?" The lists the girls made are revealed, and it turns out Poor Jenna is a mighty good coveter. She wants a bag of rice, their grill and their Hawaiian sling (the spear that shoots). Jerri's mouth gapes while Lex just glares and mentally adds Poor Jenna to "the List," which is probably tattooed on his ass. Kath wants one blanket, the tarp and the parachute. The only remarkable face-off is between Chachi and Magnificent Ethan, which goes on for more than the usual 10 seconds before Chachi wins, damn it. Then, in a decisive battle, Amber squares off with Quisling Qath, who was right to predict--or is that promise?--that Shakira's stuff would be safe. Hmmmm.

Back at Eggo, Shii Ann gathers the loot together so that Poor Jenna can see that they aren't hostile while Lex devotes himself to telling us their sob story, "Rice is our FOOD, man! That's what we EAT. And the Hawaiian sling is what we use to get OTHER FOOD!" Poor Jenna arrives with some consolation prizes, "Hey guys, here's some stuff from some of the other, MANY challenges in which Shakira beat you guys: a bar of soap, a scrub brush, a toothbrush and some toilet paper!" Awww, thanks Jenna! Shii Ann guilts Jenna into leaving some of the rice behind. Jenna observes, "the vibe was really down--they tried to hide it but I could like totally tell. They're slowly losing every thing they have, now that my sucky old tribe isn't around to make them look good." Later that night, Chachi boasts, "Dis whole game has been abou' Shakira kickin ass!" If I know my Survivor, and I think I do, this tribe is in for a huge fall. Rupert get all masturbatory with the Hawaiian sling, cooing to it and reveling in the many days ahead in which he'll get to be RUPERT: PROVIDER TO ALL. Chachi is very impressed in his ability to restrain himself from telling Rupert to jump in a lake and mutters to Amber, "Muh patience is so good." Then Rupert takes his turn telling us that yes, Amber and Chachi are making out all the time and might have actual sex. Yeah, we know. Amber tells us, "At first I was totally using Chachi but now I'm only sorta using him." Chachi marvels, "Ambuh's slammin' and she's wicked smaht." They go make out and the next day Amber declares her love--Survivor style--when she claims, "I trust him 99.9%" Isn't it romantic?

CHACHI'S PATIENCE ISN'T SO GOOD

The next morning, Rupert's like a kid on Christmas, all psyched to go fishing with the Hawaiian sling rather then one of his many pointy sticks. Chachi and Big Tom go with him and mock his enthusiasm. Actually Big Tom just laughs at anything Chachi says. Chachi complains about Rupert's habit of sliding into baby talk--yes folks, CHACHI and BIG TOM are making fun of how someone TALKS. Chachi goes on, "Now dat we got dat sling, we don' need 'im. Dat sling is like goin' to the pet store an' pickin' out waht you want." Now, I have to admit here that Rupert's "Mighty Hunter" act was wearing thin on me too--he's painfully eager to please and kinda insufferable about his "skills." Chachi catches a fish and Rupert gives him a patronizing smile and then tells Big Tom, "I'm just happy he caught a fish." Oh, c'mon. Then his face falls as Rob brings in fish after fish after fish until he's almost doubled Rupert's haul. Chachi can't contain his gloatful glee at out-fishing "Aquaman." But, in his hurry to prove his spear was just as sharp as Rupert's (boys, I swear) he completely blows his strategic advantage with Rupert. Chachi imagines himself to be this great manipulator but he's just not good at subtlety--remember, his alliance with Amber was supposed to be a secret. And now he's gone and made the former "lamb-to-the-slaughter" Rupert's radar go off. Now he feels vulnerable. Now he sees Rob as that mean boy who used to make fun of him in high school. Chachi had him right where he wanted and then he blew it because he wanted to win a pissing--er, fishing contest. Kudos, Rob.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

If you wanna stay in the game
you'd better have pretty good aim
and if you give Jerri
your whole tribe to carry
I'm sorry but that's really lame.

The Immunity Challenge is a series of ancient weapons target shoots: blow gun, spear and then bow and arrow. It's fair to say that everyone and I mean EVERYONE sucks. It gets down to the final game, with Shakira represented by their beloved dictator and go-to-guy, Chachi. Makes sense--he HAS been the key to most of their victories. ANd the Eggos go with...Jerri. Jerri claims to have "archery experience." Okay, am I making this up or did Ethan win a challenge in Africa by shooting flaming arrows and igniting a target? I just don't get putting your immunity chances on her shoulders, so much so that I wonder...nah. She wouldn't. Would she? It wouldn't be the first time someone blew a challenge just so they could vote somebody out (The Drake's did it to oust Burton last season; in Thailand Shii Ann and the Sucks took a powder to get rid of Jed the Slacker Dentist; in Africa Ethan and the rest of New Boron took a dive so they could sent new member Silas packing). Anyway, both Chachi and Jerri bite at archery but Chachi does hit the target once and it's enough because Jerri fails utterly. Hmmmmm.

LEX FLEXS

Jerri is crying because she failed, "I stuck my neck out and now...because of that failure I'm now experiencing the emotions of...what, disappointment and fear? Does that sound right?" Jerri reminds me of Anya on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," a demon trying real hard to behave the way the humans around her do but not quite pulling it off. Lex takes her for a stroll down strategy lane and tells her, "You just one the Lexxo Lotto, baby. I know you think it's gonna be YOU tonight because you're the reason we're going but NO! It's gonna be ETHAN! My old buddy. I bet no one saw THAT coming! Is that good with you?" Jerri frowns, "Duh and hell yes, crazy man." Lex goes on to close the already closed deal, "Ethan is a charmer, okay? He's a nice guy and he's REALLY good at those challenges." Lex keeps telling everyone how "dangerous" Ethan is, but Lex won a hell of a lot of the competitions in Africa, and it would behoove the Eggo Ladies to remember this.

Lex tells us, "Ethan is my FRIEND...I might even have his name tattooed her somewhere, I'm not sure. Point is, the honorable thing to do here is tell him what I'm gonna do so he's not surprised. I have my own agenda--it's business this time. I can't be dragging along an ex-winner with me, dude. this isn't Africa, this is ALL-STAR" Lex decides that the most moral thing to do when stabbing a friend in the back is to tell him you're gonna do it and hopefully get him to agree that it's the right thing to do. Needless to say, Ethan doesn't quite buy it. Lex explains how he's playing a different game then he did in Africa and part of his new strategy is not to be loyal to anyone. "I take no pleasure in this," Lex insists with Shatneresque intensity, "I won't blindside you, man! That wouldn't be right, that wouldn't be fair and, most importantly, that wouldn't be cool. And you and I both know that I'm ALWAYS cool." Then he rubs salt in the wound, "I know it's a major drag to go out before Jerri," causing Ethan to foam at the mouth, "Grrr! Jerri! She sucks!" Lex decrees that Jerri's laziness makes her a non-threat, even though a couple lazy people have actually won the game (Vecepia and Rich Jenna were not big on chores). Ethan refuses to accept Lex's apology and stomps off to lobby Qath. He insists that Jerri doesn't deserve to be there, which I don't necessarily agree with. This isn't a game about the hardest working or bestest athlete automatically winning. He plants a seed of doubt with Kath, wondering if she can really depend on the increasingly unpredictable Lex to keep her around longer than he will keep Jerri. Kath tells Ethan, "I'm leaning towards you, trust me." Once again she has the power to sway the vote how she wants. Shii Ann is never seen in these strategy meetings--maybe she really is just sitting in the shelter waiting to be told how to vote.

MOST BORING TRIBAL COUNCIL EVER

Jeff begins, "Well, we all know Ethan's going tonight, but Jerri...we gotta go through the motions here. Do you feel bad about sucking so bad at the archery?" Jerri shrugs, "I had the guts to try something, you know? And I failed and I said I was sorry so there. End of story." Shii Ann agrees, "jerri said she could do it and we accepted her word at face value even though she's been known to lie and exaggerate in the past, and then she failed miserably. But that could have happened to any of us. Happened to her though, let's be clear on that." Ethan tries one last time to pitch his "No one will give a millionaire another million," platform, but Lex rather skillfully shoots him down by arguing that a past winner who was able to get to the Final Two despite the huge target on his back would have the respect of the jury and might just win. I tend to agree, especially in Ethan's case.

It's a moot point :( Ethan is voted out 4-1, and makes a point of kissing everyone on the head and wishing them good luck so they don't dis him behind his back the way they did Colby. Actually, what he says is "Take care, play hard, don't let the bedbugs bite," which may be a kind of taunt since they actually DO get bitten by bugs every night. Jeff warns them, "Trust will now become you're most valuable commodity," and the camera cuts to a bemused Jerri. I think it was dumb to get rid of Ethan this early because he WAS trustworthy. Lex could have made an alliance with him and used his vote to further his agenda after a merge (if there is one). I think Lex is so interested in making unexpected moves that he's missing the bigger picture.

Tonight it looks like a switch of some sort so it's hard to say who's out. It is interesting to note that of the 18 All-Stars invited to play, the 7 players who finished lowest in their respective seasons are still in the game--is their a sort of class warfare going on that will now target 3rd place finishers Lex and Kath? Are Chachi and Shii Ann destined to win because they were only 10th placers in their original games!? Time will tell...

"We were happy, it was so pleasant, we were like: "we're in Africa!"" Ethan Zohn, 2001

Peace Out! Christine :D