Survivor 8.9

WORKERS AND PARASITES

Morning at Shakira finds Big Tom and Rupert annoying their torpid tribe by, like, working? In the morning!? Rupert isn't happy about the others' lazines but he knows that telling them what a bunch of slacker losers they are isn't politically smart. "Hopefuhly, we'll merge wit the Mogo whatstheirnames and those guys will work--least until we vote 'em out one by one," he muses to Tom as they go out fishing. Actually, to hear Big Tom tell it, Rupert goes fishing while Big Tom goes watching, since Rupert's always hawgin' the sling, "Weh beh ow hyeh twehn two dyes an' ah nevuh toucht it hwonce!" Uh...anyone want to tell Big Tom that they've only HAD the sling since they swiped it from the Eggos two or three days ago? Rupert starts packing up the gear and is naturally miffed when Big Tom insists on going out and trying to catch ONE fish himself. Rupert is also puzzled by Tom's decision to wear shoes but considering how sharp the reef is I think it's smart. Tom does indeed catch a small fish and it is not humanly possibly to be more patronizing than Rupert is in his praise of Tom's accomplishment, "Well, Big Tom was soooo cute, tryin' to be a fisherman like meself, hee hee. And he DID catch a fish, he sure did. It was an adorable little fish--a goldfish type fish like the kind you might win at a carnival with a ping pong ball? But Tom sure enough caught the little guy an' that's the important thing." Get over yourself, Rupert.

Meanwhile, Jerri is not endearing herself to her tribe as she continues to complain about all the obvious discomforts one would expect if you went camping in Central America during the rainy season with inadequate supplies, though she did genuinely make me smile when she groaned, "This rack is WHACK," about their bed. "This place sucks," she mutters as an equally miserable Kath chooses to try to get the fire lit rather than bitch, though privately she does tell us, "It's depressing being on the Big Loser Tribe." Jerri sniffles, "the weather here...it rains ALL the time and everything's so moldy and dank. It's like Oregon EVERY day. It's REALLY starting to get to me...but they can't bring me down." Shii Ann arrives with tree mail about making new friends and a can of green paint. Now, they've all DONE this before, am I right? They've all gotten the paint and smeared fake tribal drawings on themselves in the past but now they're leery. Lex frowns, "This isn't like before--this is All-Star. There could be lead in that thing, Mark Burnett could quite possibly be trying to kill us, my frinds." Then, with no trace of irony, he insists that he doesn't want to show up at the challenge looking like a weirdo. Huh. Well, he is from Santa Cruz. Cut to Shakira who are, or course, practically bathing each other in the mysterious can of red paint that came with their tree mail. "Maybe we should DRINK it!" Jenna enthuses. Like the Eggos, they're all anticipating a merge. Alicia goes out on a limb with this prediction: "We know SOMETHING is going to happen." ya think?

THE VERY ANTI-CLIMACTIC TWIST

The tribes arrive at Reward Beach, and Shakira is thrilled to see that Ethan is gone. Jeff notes the different appearances of the tribe and asks Chachi, "Why put on the paint even though there were no instructions?" "Wuhl, we done this befoh an dat's what we did. Plus, it's anuthuh excuse tuh touch each othuh." Jeff then asks kath why the Eggo's DIDN'T use the paint and she explains, "Well, we were kind of uptight to begin with, and then Jenna stole our sense of fun during that last reward." Jeff then tells them to choose an order. Of course the Eggos have Lex as their first guy and Shakira picks Chachi. Turns out, everyone has to pick a picnic partner! YAY! Lex of course takes the other teams leader to Pow-Wow with. Big Tom takes Jerri to leer at while Shii Ann takes Rupert because, she points out, they're both the lone representatives of their respective seasons. Alicia and Kath wind up together as do Jenna and Amber. Everyone eats delicious food and not much is revealed, though Shii Ann and Rupert do bond a little over how little Jeri does around camp, and how dangerous they think Chachi is. Big Tom is more than happy to drool all over Jerri as she blathers on pretentiously about how the game almost BROKE her, but she's rebounded, dammit. Then they regroup and Jeff tells them to drop their buffs and they all laugh knowingly, because they're all remarkably naive about the Ways of Burnett, and then he tells them to reach into a jar and pull out a new one--it's not a merge, it's shake-up. Or at least, it's SUPPOSED to be. What winds up happening is everyone switches to the other tribe except for leftover Amber, who must now face life without snuggle-buddy Chachi and Barbie-buddy Jenna. Aw, so sad. Rupert chokes back a sob when he's informed the Hawaiian sling they stole is going back to the tribe that one it in the first place. Alicia and Jenna run over and give her a hug as though they're never gonna see her again.

CLUB FAKE SHAKIRA

"I'm the one who got screwed here," Amber laments, while the Fake Shakirans marvel at the cool House Dat Chachi Built, with it's swing, bench and pillows. Shii Ann raves, "It's paradise! It's an organized, beautiful camp." It was especially funny to see Lex marvel at the beauty of Shakira since he was so bitter when the Eggo's lost the shelter-building contest. See Lex? It IS a freakin' mansion. Amber tries not to puke while she toasts her new tribe, "I was in a sorority, so I can like, TOTALLY be fake and pretend to like people I hate," she reasons.

CAMP FAKE EGGO

"We got the short end of the stick," Alicia sneers at the dank, dirty hovel that is Leggo my Eggo, "This camp is in disarray, they're bugs everywhere, the shelter's tiny and there's NO firewood--it sucks." Chachi half-heartedly tries to rally the troops into building a new shelter but the others agree that putting a better roof on the existing one is all that's necessary. C'mon guys, you gotta know you're merging in 3 days, am I right? Anyway, as though Alicia's list of complaints wasn't enough, Poor Jenna chimes in, "The camp is in a bunch of nettles, they lost their saw and their cooking pot (why weren't we informed of that?) their camp is like, practically gonna be washed away by the high tide which is like, REALLY high...It's a crap camp. The gang partakes of yet another picnic but they're very somber. All we hear for the longest time is enough disgusting food-munching sounds to fill a dozen Carl's Jr. commercials until Rupert sighs, "Amber should be here," and everyone agrees and toasts her. Rupert continues to whine, "I hate thinkin' about them over there, with all the rice and the Hawaiian Sling that we stole from them, and all the pillows and stuff you guys won before I got here--it's not fair." Alicia tries to buck their spirits with a little smack-talk, "Maybe it'll make ;them feel even worse when they see how GREAT we've been living this whole time. It'll knock 'em down further because they SUCK!" Nope. The Fakirans are just enjoying the ride. Jerri wallows in a good toothbrushin' while Shii Ann and Kath indulge in the shampoo. Amber pouts, "I kinda figured that the first thing these losers would do would get themselves all clean and hygienic with OUR stuff." Which is a really strange thing to complain about when you're gonna be sleeping next to somebody for the next several days but whatever. At Camp Fakko Fakko, Chachi has lost all his bounce and arrogance. He sighs, "Ah hope AMbuh's okay. Ah keer abou' huh an' it kills me tuh have huh ovuh dere buh huhself." Rupert nods, "I just pray they don't kill her and eat her for food," as the other nod soberly. Jenna quietly sobs.

BIG GIANT SURVIVOR IMMUNITY QUIZ!

Remember when Mike fed the fire?
Or how Jerri framed Kel--what a liar!
Remember your names
and who won what games
you'll be closer to winning Survivor!

Tree Mail arrives and announces that the Immunity Challenge is a quiz about the History of Survivor. I am now of course coveting the little Tree Mail book. I AM employed, so maybe I'll win something on the EBay auction this year. Anyway, the tribes pick their brains about the last seven seasons. Jerri reminds us, "Keith couldn't cook rice and Kel was caught with beef jerky!" Neither of which is really true--Jerri TOLD everyone she saw Kel eating something that LOOKED like jerky, which he claimed was tree bark that he chewed on to stave off hunger. It was never proved otherwise. And Keith COULD cook rice...just not very well. The Fakirans realize it would be a good thing to recall the first person booted from each season, but the name of the last one, "the woman in the blue dress," eludes them. But you all remember it's Nicole, right? I mean, this WAS the year that the first six people booted actually came back for another challenge and Tribal Council, right? At Fakko Fakko, Chachi is consumed with protecting Ambuh at all costs. He's like Jimmy Carter during the Iran Hostage Crisis--he means well but he should be playing it more cool.

The actual quiz was pretty easy and both tribes do very well. I'd like to quibble here and say I wish they'd waited to do this as an individual challenge rather than one where everyone could confer. Each tribe misses one question: The Fakko's claim that Survivor: Africa took place in Nairobi when it was in Kenya (this from Big Tom who was THERE) and the Fakirans aren't specific enough when they remember that the first group of Survivors had to eat grubs--Poor Jenna will never forget that she swallowed Butok bug larvae >:p When asked about the Pearl Islands resident mortician, Lex whistles and leers, "I remember DARRAH! AH WOO GAH!" You know what I remember, Lex? That you're married. Jeff and Burnett of course have to remind everyone of Osten's weakness--he almost DROWNED. The nerve. It comes down to a tie-break where the tribes do indeed have to come up with the name of the first bootee in every season and the Fakkos do, while the Fakirans dub Nicole "Kim." It is a bittersweet victory for the Fakkos, especially Chachi, who fear they've doomed Amber. He grabs Lex as the tribes are filing out and hisses, "Yuh take care uh huh, ah'll take care uh yuh." It's weird--I really loathe Chachi and here he is displaying dreadful strategy--it would seem--by tipping his hand to Lex and yet it's so human and vulnerable I can't help feeling kinda bad for him. Ouch, that hurt to admit.

SCRAMBLIN' AMBER

Ack! The Pelican of DEATH! Who's doomed? Well, you'd Think that Amber was ACTUALLY going to die by the solemn Fakkos reaction to their Immunity win. Chachi insists, "If Lex is smaht, he'll pruhtect huh. Did is wicked Hahd." They toast her yet even once more and Rupert shakes his head, "Hears to her finding some damn way to avoid being executed, dismembered, and thrown to the pelicans by those Mogo whatchamacallit bastards." I'm ready to officially dub Old Shakira aka Fakko Fakko a bona fide cult. Chachi snifles, "AH put an A on muh ahm fuh Ambuh. AMBUUUUUUH!"

At Fakira, Kath marvels, "Different buffs, same result: we're a sorry bunch of losers, guys." Kath heard Chachi's "godfather move" of telling Lex there'd be quid pro quo for saving his guhl but she frets, "If we save Amber then we're sucking up to Mariano!" Shii Ann agrees, "And I don't think he's gonna be around long!" I don't know WHAT Shii Ann's basing that on besides his general jerkiness--she admitted earlier that he could potentially win every immunity challenge left in the game even if WAS unpopular, and he actually IS well liked by the Fakkos. At any rate, Shii Ann shrugs, "I GUESS we're gonna get rid of Amber. We kind of have to. I guess. I mean, one less original Shakiran...that's the logical move, right?" Shii and Kath agree that Amber will never REALLY be on their side but that Chachi will be FURIOUS if they boot his girlfriend and they're all quaky about it, like he really IS a Godfather who could have them whacked. Amber tells Kath that she's voting for Jerri, "I AM a better player that she is and better at the challenges," she reasons. Kath nods, "Yes, but so were Ethan, Colby and Hatch." The women get serious and Amber offers a scenario of the two of them and Lex and Big Tom as the Final Four. Amber adds, "Lex thinks that Big Tom is going to still be on his side based on the Africa alliance, right?" Kath confirms, "Yes, he does. Even though he betrayed his alliance-mate Ethan just the other day, he's still counting on Tom's loyalty."

Kath goes to Lex and lobbies him against Jerri, "It IS Jerri, you know, she does kind of suck. And Chachi's gonna be really mad at us if we don't so as he says." Lex scratches his chin to show how HARD he's thinking, man. "This will be horrible for Jerri. But I think I can really exploit the favor if we deliver for Mr. Mariano. It makes more strategic sense to do the CRAZY thing, am I right? Honoring my alliances in Africa cost me a million dollars so I kinda HAVE to betray Jerri. And it's not REALLY a betrayal if I tell it to their face, I've decided." He tells Jerri he loves her which naturally freaks her out and she demands to know what's changed, "How...why...when did this change? After all I've overcome--Rupert's stupidity, Ethan's mild contempt, Colby's continued indifference to my sexual advances, the frickin' rain...and now you're gonna turn around and dump me?" Lex sighs, "Well...the notoriously shifty Chachi Mariano gave me a vague promise and it makes NO strategic sense to not roll the dice and see what comes of it, you dig? Plus...you ARE Jerri. You aren't quite as evil as you were in the Outback but you are still kind of a drag." Jerri insists that Chachi can't be trusted and that he and Amber will only truly be faithful to one another. She implores him to keep her around as she'll always be on his side. Lex insists, "I'll think about what you've said, sweetie--I ALWAYS think before I move, always. This is when the game gets even MORE intense then it was already. This is when you have to do the unexpected thing." He huddles up Shii Ann and Kath so they can "go over every possible outcome" of this decision, as if that were actually possible.

PLEASE ANSWER THE LITTLE SURVIVOR QUIZ--IT'S FUN! :D

Which is the most creepily obsessive relationship on this season of Survivor?

A) Chachi's love fuh Ambuh
B) Rupert's love for the Hawaiian Sling
C) Lex's love of his own "genius"
D) Jerri's love of her own "perseverance"

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Kath about the differences between their new camp and the old one and she laughs, "Uh, Shakira is a four-star hotel to our dirty cardboard box, Jeff. I'm embarrassed that our camp wasn't a little better for those guys but as you know, we'd lost our will to live about a week ago." Jeff continues, "Amber, we had all these visions of a totally big shake-up and it wound up being lame because you were the only one that switched. We're you as disappointed as us?" "Hell yeah I was, the Eggos suck. But now I'm like TOTALLY one of them and I like really love my new tribe. I'm completely devoted, you know?" Jeff chuckles, "Shii Ann, you can't POSSIBLY believe that, crafty Asian that you are." "Well, on the one hand, it'd be silly to believe anything Amber says, her being so desperate and doomed and whatnot. But on the other hand...she's not Jerri." Jeff turns to Jerri, "Hey, this must have been kinda fun though, to be reunited with your old flunky Amber, who so cheerfully did your bidding in the Outback." America sudden;y makes the connection, "Oh YEAH, that's right! They were like, best pals in the Outback" We didn't remember because they barely seem to acknowledge one another. Jerri flashes her fake tight smile, "Oh, yes, it was SO great to be reunited with my Outback sister Ashley." Amber bites on her hand to keep from screaming. Jeff wonders if Lex was thrilled to get Amber and only Amber, making it easy for them to take out a member of the opposing tribe despite their inferior numbers. Lex bugs out his eyes, "Man, that's the obvious answer, right? That's what America is probably EXPECTING ol' Lex to do, but this game is all twisty and turny like my guts! And my gut and my brain agree that it ain't over until it's over and I gotta do what makes the most strategic sense which in this case is the thing that makes the LEAST strategic sense. I just blew your freakin' mind, didn't I?"

Jerri is voted out 4-1 and announces, "It's been an HONOR serving with you guys." Sharon Stone will play her in the movie. She starts crying and tells Jeff, "I want some CHOCOLATE," which may or may not be some kind of code come-on, since Jerri equated sex and chocolate back in the Outback (prompting Colby to famously quip, "I ain't no Hershey bar!") Jeff hustles her out the door. This was a weird vote. I don't get their fear of Chachi nor do I get what ALL of them think they'd be getting out of the "deal" in saving Amber. Didn't he just make it to Lex? But Jerri's also been Jerri--unhelpful and bitchy, and so why NOT dump her? They don't have the numbers no matter WHAT they do, and maybe they're right in thinking Chachi will winnow down his tribe a little (he doesn't care for either Alicia or Rupert) before he takes out Shii Ann or Kath whom he can't be very threatened by, physically speaking. I hope this all winds up biting him in the butt.

Predictions for tonight? Well, since the TV commercials have shown everyone in new blue buffs, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say there's a merge tonight. Also, we've been shown not one but TWO immunity necklaces in the TV spots--cool. I'm pulling for Chachi taking a tumble--he's promised so much to so many, and now that they're all together, maybe Rupert and one more person (Alicia?) will help the Eggos? I dunno. Lex is certainly the biggest target in my mind. I think he's the most likely evictee. If he wins immunity, they'll dump Shii Ann or Kath. Despite the Hillbilly Yacht Cruise, I doubt they'll show her any love now that they don't need her, numbers-wise. Or maybe Chachi WILL use the Eggos to oust Rupert first...heck if I know :) I just know that I'm looking forward to it. IF we follow form, the next person out will become the first member of the jury, though I can't help but wonder if, for All-Star, EVERYONE will be back. We'll see.

"I've surprised myself with the things I hear myself say. After they come out, I want to suck them back in, but it's too late."

Jerri Manthey, 2001

Peace! :D
Christine