Survivor 8.4 :D Good thing I'm not being paid to do this...

Because I'd be so fired. Late again, sorry. It's been a weird week. Seems to me we aren't getting the kind of bizarre reality television conflict and color from the All Stars because the All Stars aren't just your everyday nutjobs trying to win a million dollars. The All Stars see themselves as public figures, of a sort, and are therefore behaving themselves a little too much. Hopefully, things will break down soon. Until then, it looks like more weeks ahead of not a lot happening. Unless you're REALLY into weather...

RAINY DAYS AND CRAP-ASS SHELTERS ALWAYS BRING ME DOWN

So, it's rainy season in Panama, I don't know if you all were aware of that--oh WAIT. They tells us every episode. At Shakira, the gang huddles together in the House That Chachi Built. Amber raves, "Well, we constructed a FANTASTIC shelter--we even used the PARACHUTE that the box came with! Can you imagine? I'll bet other tribes would have thrown it away but not us. The rain really pounded us but Boston Rob was so magnificent in his construction work that we were like, totally fine. Just like him." Chachi agrees, "Duh sheltuh I built was good." That night, he and Amber get into what Big Tom dubs "uh ruhmanic mood." They snuggle close and Amber coos, "Oh, you're SO WARM!" And it's astounding that he doesn't shoot back, "Ahm red hot fuh you, babe," or some such. They're not even remotely alone of course, and the rest of the tribe gets a free peep show. Rob C. predicts, "Boston Rob and Amber are gonna do it." You don't need a Magic-8 Ball to know that sources point to yes on that one.

The Yogi's aren't faring very well at all, thanks to the fact that Rupert bullied his tribe into digging a hole in the sand that Jerri, Raffa, me and the Bible all predicted would turn into a disaster and it has. Ethan, Rupert, Jerri and Poor Jenna shudder and quake in the rain without any protection. Rupert admits, "Our beach is destroyed. Diggin' intuh the sand was the dumbest mistake ah ever made an' we paid for it. We are homeless." A despondent Jerri cries, "We've been shivering in the rain for 5 or 6 hours because Rupert's stupid-ass shelter filled-up with water because no one would listen to me! It's not worth it!" The next morning, Ethan dubs that the worst night of his life, next to the night his father died. He also adds, "Some people--and by that you all know I mean whiny Jenna--thought that CBS would rescue us. But it's CBS! They are completely evil. Also, this is Survivor. It's nobody's fault that we built a crappy-ass shelter, except Rupert's." The Yogi's work to build a new shelter out of the wreckage that covers Lake Rupert while a lifeless Jerri shivers in a cave, refusing to eat or drink. "I don't know what the others are doing and I don't care," Zombie Jerri snuffles.

The Eggos seem to have done fine. Yeah, their fire was doused but Lex and Kath quickly get it going again by using some straw from the Home Depot box. At Lex's suggestion, Kath puts some on her head as a fake wig and mugs, "Take me to the Casbah." When Kath isn't being painfully inappropriate, she is so gosh-darned delightful. Hatch goes out and kills three big eels. When he rises naked out of the water to display his catch, Lex wonders about Rich's wee wee, "What about the one in the middle, is that your bait?" And then Kath chirps, "Hey yeah, that's your bait box." I think that's gonna be my new euphemism for the male groin area. You know, a guy's playing baseball and the ball catches him unawares, "Oooh, right in the bait box." The Eggo's gush about Hatch's latest haul. Rich smirks, "Everyone is just ALL over me when I feed them--it's just SO crazy. The rest of the time, I do absolutely nothing--it's great!" He really just NEEDS to believe he's getting away with something, when in fact he IS doing work, and it makes perfect sense for the non-fishers in the tribe to do the other chores while he gathers food. Lex claims that once they get that elusive third key to the rice box, they will all be gleefully less dependent on Rich's fish. I want to believe.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Everyone gets tree mail about the challenge, which says something about getting to know people in a game of "give and take." Lex incorrectly decides, "Must be a puzzle of some sort," and Colby nods in agreement. Kath buys the puzzle interpretation as well and says to Shii Ann, "A puzzle--this may be yours to win." I HOPE this is because Shii Ann has expressed interest in puzzles, and not just because she's Asian and therefore "good with puzzles and math." Rob makes up a very funny poem to read to Shakira, "We've played the game with kisses and hugs, now it's time to see if you can eat bugs." Soo brays, "Ah'll eat ah paht uh anythin' they put 'n front o' me!" Rob hastens to tell her he's joking but she goes on, "Ah lived in Canada ya know, they eat bugs up there all the tiiiiiiime." I think in Hell, you have to listen to Soo read your favorite books out loud.

Jeff greets everyone at the Reward Beach. He's still looking fine on the show, but as several of you have noticed, he's not looking so good on the interview circuit. He seems very gaunt and sickly and I would like to take him out for a cheeseburger--for his own benefit, of course. Jeff asks how everyone is doing and Shakira says they're great while the Yogi's cop to "getting wet" while avoiding the details of their near-death storm experience. Lex tries to demoralize the other tribes by gloating about how well they've been eating, what with Hatch fattening them up for the slaughter, which prompts Soo to taunt, "Ah hohp it's better'n that eel you gave me cause that was ahl bohne." I wish Hatch had shot back with, "Thanks for giving me the million dollars instead of Kelly," but he instead jokes that of course he gave HER bony eel because it was HER, which unfortunately leads her to try to make a sex joke, "That's the only bohne ya'd give ME." Hatch gets all dramatic and swishy about how much he agrees with THAT, thank you very much. Then, mercifully, Jeff starts the game.

The challenge is for a toilet seat for their dung hole, a shower-like contraption and an array of personal hygiene products like Scope mouthwash and Crest toothpaste and boy, was I an idiot when I said they'd backed off the product whoring, or what? The game is the old "Go Fish" game, where everyone has a box of items, everyone tries to match the items in their box with those in everyone else's. We saw it the Amazon where there was much flirting--here most of that is done by Richard Hatch, who delights in sexually harassing the straight guys. Chachi starts off by trying to zing Ethan, "Ay, Pretty boy, ya got a stone in dere? Oh, 'e looked right at me, it must be Zohn." Ethan flashes his million-dollar-winning smile and replies, "Sorry my friend, I don't." In your FACE, ugly boy! Then Ethan chastises Jenna for leaving her box open for all to see. Then "Puzzle Master" Shii Ann asks Alicia for an item Alicia had already given away--I like Shii Ann, I do, but she's never actually done anything smart in Survivor ever. Then Chachi pulls a page from Weird Greg's playbook and tries to distract Hatch by flirting with him and shaking his tailfeather a little while he asks for Hatch's items--that may come back to haunt him at the ol' South Boston construction site, I'm just saying. Shakira wins the final key to the rice box while the Yogi's take second and pull even with the Eggo's in the quest for same. Lex frowns as he realizes that they'll still need use of Hatch's bait box.

IF I WAS A KEY TO THE FINAL LOCK ON THE RICE BOX....WHERE WOULD I BE?

Shakira hikes back to camp and I'm quite certain that no one in America was surprised to see Big Tom wearing the New John over his head. During the group worsh, Chachi and Amber lather all sorts of things all over one another in front of everyone else. Chachi shrugs, "We taht it migh' be a bad idea tuh bathe each othuh on account uh we got dat secret alliance but...what duh hell." Remarkably, we do not hear Rob C.'s observations about half-naked Amber. Soo does not take part in the team bath, and I actually respect that.

After the bath, Shakira devotes it's energy to finding the last key to the rice box. The clue tells them it's buried 10 paces behind their treemail box, which proves to be troubling. Big Tom reasons, 'Wuhl whus a piyce? How fahr? Mah piyce is longer'n a midgets piyce ah reckon." While Chachi toils in the dirt behind the mailbox, Rob decides the key must be in the sand and begins digging apart the beach--or maybe he's just decided to build a log cabin. Everyone frowns at Rob's idiocy and Chachi declares, "Duh kid's livin' in La La Land." Rob insists, "This is my chance to be the hero and I've never been the hero before," so of course right on cue, it's Chachi who finds the key. In addition to rice, there's also some whiskey, but no one gets drunk and interesting, which is a bummer. The Shakira's bask in the glory of being THE BEST TRIBE EVER. Tom says, "With gais in th' taynk, we're gon be unstoppamable." Alicia gloats, "We're so far ahead of the other tribes now. God Himself cannot sink this Tribe, ya know?" Do ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WATCH THE SHOW?

THE RISE OF THE YOGI'S

In contrast to the night of terrible storm, the Yogi's are now thriving. The new, competently-built shelter has afforded them some much needed sleep and now they're all working together and it's just so peachy and boring. Jerri fixes the roof! Jenna fetches some water! Rupert catches yet another fish! America flips through a nearby magazine! A refreshed Jerri informs us, "I'm better now--I about lost it the other night. I was very close to going mad and becoming interesting and controversial again and it was quite scary but I'm back to being my sane, helpful, not-evil self and it's driving you insane, isn't it?" *fist shaking* You've won THIS round, Not Evil Jerri, but I'm watching...always watching...

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

If you wanna remain in this contest
ya gotta do puzzles the bestest
It doesn't make sense
to put Rob on the bench
When Shakira ain't exactly a brainfest

This challenge is the one where each team has a caller who acts as the team's eyes and directs the blindfolded tribemembers to various puzzle pieces. Shakira sits out Amber and Rob while the Eggo's sit out "Puzzle Master" Shii Ann. We've SEEN Jeff ask the tribes who's sitting out--it seems to be a game-time decision, so why Rob and Shii Ann are on the sidelines is beyond me. Also, we never get to hear what goes on over on the bench and I'll bet it's interesting sometimes. Rob is certainly very entertaining in his campy reactions to the horrible beating that Colby, Kath and especially Big Tom take as they fall down and get whacked by sightless people running with blocks. At one points he bites his fist--he kind of reminds me of Seth on the OC. The callers for the game are Alicia, Hatch and Jerri. I remember distinctly that Jerri took the same role when this game was played in Australia and she was terrible but she does fine here. Hatch is the worst of the three, but still does adequately enough. Alicia gets her team in way before the others--the Titanic is going for that all-time speed record--but then disaster strikes as they hit the iceberg of their collective intellect. Chachi. Soo. Big Tom. Alicia. Trying to work together on a brain teaser. It ain't pretty folks. Rob C. and Amber can only watch in horror as the Yogi's win and the Eggo's finish in second.

SHAKIRA SHENANIGANS

The Shakira's hike back to the tribe and Rob C. chuckles to himself as he listens to the others as they all agree that puzzles are HARD, "It was especially frustrating to watch because if I'd been in there we could have won. Hopefully my tribe will now see that even though I'm worthless around camp and not very trustworthy, they still need me." That's be nice, wouldn't it? But Amber is already plotting his ouster, as she sidles up to her apparant ally, Big Tom. When he comments on Rob's being smart, she snaps, "He's TOO smart! That's why brainiac has to go! I'm PRETTY sure that Boston Rob will be on our side too. I mean, we aren't very close or anything, it's just a feeling I have." Tom has doubts, "Ah don' think it miyksus uh strowng trahb. Ah dew knuh thet his mine woulda warked thet thar puzzle." He thinks it's down to either Rob or Alicia, which is news to Alicia, who's pretty sure it's Rob. She allows, "Usually everyone gets together, just to make sure that we're all on the same page about who's going out...no one's talked to me...maybe I should be nervous, but I'm pretty sure I'm just the red herring tonight." Chachi reaches out to Rob, "You 'n me, we could make good allies, whaddaya say?" Rob wants to get rid of Alicia before Soo, and Boston Rob is all over it. When Rob expresses doubts over Chachi's sincerity, Chachi jumps at the chance to "shake on it." I think the WHOLE point of this is because Chachi REALLY wants to "betray" someone. The gang eats rice, knowing that for someone, it's there last meal. Before they get to order steak and lobster at the Panama Hilton, that is. Chachi tells us, "It cou' be Rob, Soo or Alicia. Uh haven' made up muh mind yet but when I do? Dat's duh person who's goin' home." You know what's scary? He's RIGHT. Boston Rob aka Chachi aka "The Gah Father" really is the BRAINS of Shakira right now.

QUIZ RESULTS

Thanks to all of you who answered last week's quiz (what can I say, I'm a feedback junkie), where A was the overwhelming response: liking Jerri more than Ethan and Rupert is the most disturbing thing so far this season. Ethan and Rupert were back to being their affable selves this week, so maybe we can relax a little. Nothing "came" to me, in terms of a quiz this week, so you're off the hook :p

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff is like a dog with a bone as he tries to hit us all over the head with how this is THE HARDEST SURVIVOR EVER in terms of the physical elements. Big Tom says it shore nuff is, even though I still think Africa was the hardest by far. Rob C. agrees it's the hardest, "But this is All Stars, that's what we signed up for!" Jeff then asks Amber, "Is there a point to your being here, beyond how cute you are in a bikini?" "I think so Jeff--I'm real good at calming people down and joining other people's alliances." Soo declares, "Us losin' has made us more dangerous!" Whatever. Then Big Tom starts in on how much he enjoys watching Chachi and Amber at night, "Ahbin watchin' 'em 'en thar's been some cuddlin' 'en some grinding." I'd almost forgotten what a big perve Tom is, but it's all coming back to me now--his ogling Lil Kim at the watering hole and getting off on digging that tick out of Lindsay's butt. Ah. memories. Jeff insists that Amber's blushing but she insists, "No I'm not, I'm a total skank. I don't care if the whole tribe watches me and Boston Rob dry hump! I'm young! I'm 25! I'm having fun!" Big Tom leers, "Wull ahm ol ahm farty aiit 'en ahm hayvin fun tuh." Amber coolly huffs that she came to play "Survivor," not "The Dating Game." When Jeff asks Chachi if he's worried that the others might assume that the others might thing they have an alliance, Chachi shrugs, "Nah, it's ahvious. We been flirtin' evuh since we got ou' heuh. But dere kin only be one winnuh an' my commitment is tuh duh game fust." When Jeff polls the tribe on what might cause them as individuals to be ousted, Chachi speculates, "Muh mouth an' my attitude--right Ambuh?" Jeff laughs, "Oooh, clearing it with the old lady, man are you whipped!" Amber is displeased, "Yeah, Boston Rob DOES talk a lot. He needs to keep his big mouth shut at the challenges, at camp and especially HERE." Soo sums up her liabilities, "Ah can be a bitch to be around--and I dohn't suck up to people an' pretend to be someone Ahm NOT!" I hate it when people try to excuse their anti-social behavior with "I'm just being myself." It's like, okay, well then you're a total bitch, Soo. That's who you are and people have the right to not want to be around you.

The votes are cast and a disappointed and deceived Rob is ousted in a 5-1 vote. Refreshingly, Rob has a very animated and honest reaction to seeing his name come up, visibly swearing as he realizes he'd been played. Chachi can't for the life of him contain that stupid self-satisfied smile of his and once again, I think his NEED to be seen as the string-puller will ultimately cost him the game. Say what you will about Hatch, he was more than happy to allow Soo, Kelly and Rudy think they were playing him. I'm sorry to see Rob go, but it was kind of inevitable, especially with this tribe. His low-key game of manipulation and deflection doesn't work when you start with 6 veteran players rather than 8 newcomers. They all saw him coming. I'm surprised no one contemputously spat, "College Boy!" as they voted for him--Rob was a frat boy among the working class, and he never quite fit in. Rob's bummed, but in his exit sppech he says he's proud to have gotten to play Survivor twice and I think he's right to feel that way. I won't make any speculation about "next week" since that was, ahem, yesterday. Sorry, again: really weird week.

"Basically, I am an alliance of one. I am a lone wolf in this game--a mercenary, if you will. I just pick up the bottom-feeders as I go."

Rob Cesternino, 2003

Peace! :D

Christine

Survivor 8.3 "Back to Life, back to reality..."

Well, last week I complained that everyone was being too cautious to be
interesting--no fear of that this week as a house-building challenge tears
each team apart. Then, in "A Very Special Survivor," Rich Jenna leaves the
game to be with her dying mother. Hey, love her, hate her, hate yourself
for hating her once you learned her mother died, I think we can all agree
that this was DAMN good television! <:o

NEWS AROUND CAMP

The episode starts with a shot of a sloth combing flies out of his hair
with his long claws. Now, I'm used to the snakes=betrayal, spider eating a
spider=power shift animal symbolism, but this one threw me. I thought
maybe the reward challenge would be for shampoo and stuff. Or maybe that
sloth was supposed to represent Rich Jenna, who's worrying her Eggo
tribemates with her mopey and lethargic "I wanna go home" attitude. True,
this describes many a (usually young) Survivor before her, but this is the
All Stars, consarnit! Lex has yet to go psycho *fingers crossed as I type
"yet"* but he has returned to his "Dude, you have no IDEA" brand of
hyperbole, "Man, Let me tell ya, the bugs here are like, 100 times more
bitey than any bugs that any Survivor cast has ever encountered and they
get even worse when you scratch them and then when you get salt water in
them it hurts like you're being tortured--I think it's probably WORSE than
being tortured, man!" Lex and Kath take on parenting duties as they try to
stop Rich Jenna from scratching her bug bites, try to get her to eat and
stay hydrated, try to get her to go in the water to cool off. Rich Jenna
mournfully tells her tribe, "Like, I hate everything right now--except for
you guys of course. I wanna go home." Lex and Shii Ann agree on the very
obvious, that Rich Jenna is NOT happy. At this point, Jenna's despair
combined with her status as a previous winner probably has the whole tribe
a little relieved: if they lose immunity, Rich Jenna might thank them for
voting her out.

The Yogi's, meanwhile, channel all their frustration at being the Big
Losers of Survivor All Stars into building furniture and whatnot as a
"family." Jerri insists, "Without being overly confident or arrogant
because I'm NOT ANYMORE, I feel really good about where we're at. The four
of us are a family and work well together--in your FACE, Tina!" Rupert
catches another fish which prompts Ethan to go out on yet another fruitless
search for fish, which amuses Rupert, "I tried t' tell 'im it's not a
competition. It's really not--I mean, clearly, he's no competition at
all." Ethan is bummed when he fails again, and Rupert assures him that
he'll get better, though he really doesn't care, "In case you missed all of
the first 8 episodes of Survivor: Pearl Islands, I like bein; th'
fisherman. I know he wants t' fish but it'll hurt us as a team if he keeps
tryin' t' compete wi' me." In Ethan's defense, what else is there to do
out there BUT try to learn how to spear fish?

RICH ALMOST GETS EATEN BY A SHARK

Well, to hear him tell it. Hatch goes spear fishing, and stupidly decides
to try to go after a rock-hiding shark rather then spear one of the
hundreds of non-biting fish in the area. The shark bites him OF COURSE,
and latches on to his arm and won't let go. The shark is quite small, with
a half-dollar sized mouth. No one was gonna die here. Anyway, Hatch bites
it, it still won't let go, so he paddles into shore and brains it against a
rock. He brings it to camp and we practically have to hear him tell the
whole story all over again when he shows the dead animal and his tiny,
hopefully-infecting-as-we-speak wound to his awe-struck tribe. Mercifully,
Krazy Kath doesn't offer to pee on his arm. Colby wonders, "Is it possible
to call a gay man a stud?" Uh, it is when you're not a homophobe, Colby.
Rich's sexuality makes you uncomfortable, we FREAKIN' get it. Shii Ann
gushes, "Rich is a FISHING god. He bit a fish that bit him: It's SO man
versus nature, it's SO Hemingwayesque, I love it." See, I hate Hatch AND
Ernest Hemingway, so there you go. Yet Shii Ann's pro-Rich comments don't
scare me because she says them in that "Look at this weird bug I have under
this microscope--let's see what happens when we introduce acid into it's
environment" way that she has. Later, Rich Jenna agrees that Hatch is
impressive and Shii Ann nods, "Yes, he may not be impressive downstairs,
but he's impressive in other ways." Heh heh. Hatch watches from his usual
creepy-stalker distance and laughs as Kath tries in vain to chop the head
off his shark with the tribe's machete. "I NEED to be the provider and
they are LOVING me," Rich insists, "They just keep THANKING me and saying
they LOVE me," he smirks and then waves bye-bye to each of them, as though
he COULD get rid of them one by one, even though that's not how the game is
played. And who's gonna side with Hatch? He's been boasting about how he
outsmarted everyone the first time for the last 3 and a half years and NO
ONE wants to hear how he outsmarted the best of the best. And yet...I keep
worrying about his ability to build alliances. If Kath or Shii Ann start
to feel threatened by Lex and Colby's athleticism and male-bonding, he
MIGHT sway them into voting his way. Hatch won his game by convincing
everyone that he couldn't possible win so bringing him along was in their
best interest. He can make the same argument this season and an alliance
of any kind will always seem favorable to the vulnerable.

REWARD LIMERICK SINCE A LIMERICK WILL BE INAPPROPRIARE LATER

Here is a boxful of tools
The one who builds best is who rules
But if you insist
on the sand to exist
Then clearly you've listened to fools

Reward Treemail arrives, and each tribe is given a crate full of tools from
(The) Home Depot with which to build a better shelter. Remember how I
said last week that the product placement on this show was getting less
blatant? Well, it turns out I don't know jack crap. The tribes have 24
hours in which to build their "dream home." They will be judged on form,
function and creativity--first place wins pillows and stuff and clue to
find the second key to the rice box, second gets the clue only, and third
gets nothing. At Shakira, Big Tom and Stoopid Soo bicker immediately over
Soo's idea involving a tree trunk. Either she wanted them to build their
shelter around a giant tree trunk, or she wanted to cut a tree down, I
don't know which because her braying is often too hard to understand and I
hate her to much to bother to figure it out. Big Tom is growing tired of
Soo, "Sheeizuh haig from hail. How ah maid it tuh fore teeayt w'out Soo
Hawk leadin' me bah th' haynd is a mystreh t' me. She is th' bossist
wuhmuhn ah evuh mayt in mah lahf!" Soo confides, "Airs is gonna be uh
disaster, ah can tell you that right noh." I hope that recent immigrants
to America who are trying to learn English by watching television are not
watching Survivor. Then, before building their new Home Depot house, the
two destroy their old Glass House by calling each another stupid (but not
to each other's face). They return to camp and Soo volunteers to be one of
those who sits out. Chachi the construction worker is excited about the
task and the tribe agrees to put him in "chahge." Soo scoffs from the
sidelines, "I hope dey dohn' get jack in dis challenge just tuh bring 'em
dohn a nahtch." What a bitch. Now I have to root for cocky Chachi just to
spite Soo, great, although Soo actually DOES win if they win so pleh. To
his credit, Chachi really does work hard, and draws up a sound blueprint.
Rob is miffed when Big Tom and Chachi relegate him to "Zen rock garden
duty" with Alicia, who's playing smart today by keeping her head down and
letting Chachi do his thing. Chachi bags on her rock garden--it's actually
difficult to imagine his saying anything nice about anybody unless it
involved her "great rack." Speaking of which, Amber becomes very turned on
by Chachi's architectural prowess and while I admit there is something
inherently sexy about any guy who's really good at something, even if he's
maybe not the most attractive guy around (i.e. Eric Gagne) I'm having a
hard time imagining what Chachi could be SO good at, it would make me see
past his...chachiness. Also, I'm not looking forward to weeks and weeks of
"Amber loves Chachi--or is it just strategy?", yawn. But the stand-out
performer (or non-performer) in the challenge is Rob, who Chachi describes
as "useless all around, on a nevuh-endin' coffee break." When he shows up
after a long absence, the supposedly smart Rob Cesterino smoothly explains,
"I went to go get...er...uh...something...but it was...it turned out to be
too heavy...then...uh...I GOT LOST! Yeah, LOST in the woods, yeah, that's
the ticket." Alicia spits, "Rob does the minimum to get by and everyone
noticed it today!" Chachi and Big Tom enjoy the show while Alicia
browbeats a beleaguered Rob, whose "stay under the radar" strategy isn't
going so well at the moment.

MOBY LOG CABIN

Anyone who hasn't understandably blocked Survivor:Thailand from memory
knows that the building of a shelter can become a dangerous and divisive
obsession for any tribe, like the dominant Sucks of Sucks Hard, whose Moby
Shack turned strangers into enemies and "people who thought getting food
and water was important" into "lazy villains." At Camp Yogi, Rupert has
unilaterally decided that the tribe will build a log cabin. In the sand.
Now, Jesus told a parable about two men who build their houses--the smart
guy on rock, the stupid guy on the sand. And the rain comes down, and the
waters rise and the rock guy is fine and the sand guy is very wet and sad.
And the reason this is such a good parable is that ANY IDIOT would agree
that it's unwise to build a HOUSE right on the sand, especially when you
know it's rainy season and that tides get high. But Rupert (who builds
houses, apparently) wants to dig several feet into the sand so that they
can all stand up inside the log cabin. What's REALLY hard for me to
understand is that when Rupert spent three days with the woeful Morgan
tribe, one of the things he insisted they do was move their camp further
back from shore because of the impending rainy season and the possibility
of their being washed away. But NOW, Rupert is insisting on being
high-concept at the expense of logic and practicality. Jerri argues that
the moisture will make living under the water level (!!!!) too unpleasant
and unlivable. Rupert replies, "Ah my GAWD! None of them are gonna make
anythin' like this. We're gonna make a LOG CABIN. I been buildin' houses
fer twenty years! Arrrr!" Jerri continues to be sane and calls for a vote
and both Ethan and Poor Jenna choose to say nothing so Jerri throws up her
hands and agrees to the bad plan. A plan she knows is bad because in
Australia she lobbied for the Bear Monday tribe to build THEIR shelter on
the soft sand of a "dry" river bed, and the rains came down and the waters
rose and the Bear Mondays became very wet, sad, and hungry when they lost
their entire camp. Ethan smiles at the conflict, "Jerri was right," he
shrugs, "But I didn't want to piss off Rupert because I don't want to get
voted out." Hope it's worth it when you all catch pneumonia in that stupid
subterranean log cabin of yours, Ethan :( Of course, night falls and the
Yogi's aren't anywhere close to finished. They're trying to hammer nails
in the dark when they have to cut short their digging because of a massive
tree trunk which can't be cut out. Jerri cries, "We played STRONG but we
played STUPID and that's what infuriates me!" What infuriates ME is this
is the second week in a row she's made this dumb comment--it's this
season's answer to last season's "110%" Rupert complains, "I have a HARD
time listenin' t' people sayin' it's too hard, it's impossible, and that's
what they're all sayin', all three of them." Rupert, Your problem is you
have a hard time listening. Period. Your plan was stupid and even if it
wasn't, 24 hours isn't enough time to pull it off. Ethan looks at the
unfinished mess and wonders where they'll sleep and Rupert snaps
defensively, "We'll put in beds! And a sink and a microwave and..." Jerri
shakes her fist at the sky, "Damn you Home Depot! You've torn our tribe
apart and you've driven Rupert mad!"

ANOTHER QUIZ FOR YOU NOT TO ANSWER, YOU JERKS

>:I <----if that face won't make you answer a quiz, I don't know what
will. I send this out to about 60 people, some of you forward it on...I
expected more than 8 responses, especially with the threatening emoticon, I
really did. Of those few who answered, "C" was the most popular
answer--that Jerri regained her soul at the end of "The Surreal Life," when
MC Hammer brought the gang to church. This week's question:

So far, what is alarming you most about Survivor: All Stars?

A) I'm liking Evil Jerri more than I am Ethan and/or Rupert
B) I thought Richard Hatch was kinda bad-ass when he killed that shark
C) I live to hear Chachi Mariano "tell me duh facts" about his tribemates
D) How seriously Christine is taking her stupid quizzes :p

TREEHOUSE OF ANNOYANCE

At Leggo My Eggo, Colby and Lex have a great time saying quasi-witty things
as they build a sort of tree house. Jenna and Shii Ann brainstorm some
creative touches for the shelter (rope ladder, dumb-waiter) but when they
bring it to the boys, they're shut down and Shii Ann is put out. She goes
to get palm fronds, while Jenna completely checks out and frets that her
cancer-stricken mother might die while she's playing Survivor and that she
shouldn't have come. America rolls it's eyes and groans, "Here goes Jenna,
playing the "my mother has cancer" card again." America isn't a bad
person--if it knew Jenna's mother was really gonna die, it wouldn't have
been so down on Jenna! Honest! Richard Hatch and Kath are sitting out the
treehouse challenge--Kath goes about cooking and water boiling while Hatch
watches everyone work. He laughs, "I GLADLY sat this one out--it looked
like a lot of WORK," Which is kinda jerky but meh, you know what? I think
I would've been happy to duck this challenge as well.

RAFFA HUFFS AND PUFFS

Morning arrives at Eggo, as does Jeff with Panamanian contractor Raffa,
who'll be judging the contest. Raffa shakes every branch of the Tree House
to test how sturdy it is, which alarms the Eggos when he's able to mess it
up pretty good. Colby is particularly horrified ("I don't think Raffa
realizes we have to LIVE in this shelter!") but he's also a pretty good
sport about it, and the whole thing is pretty funny. Hatch doesn't seem to
be around--you know, him being above it all, pleh. Then it's on to
Shakira, where Chachi's sturdy, homey hut, surrounded by hammocks and
swings and yes, a Zen rock garden is far and away superior to the others.
Raffa's socks are clearly knocked off. Then it's on to last and least Yogi
where we have to watch Rupert pathetically try to sell Raffa on their
half-finished cabin in the sand, complete with rickety rain gutters and
tree-trunk "foot rest." It was excruciating and it went on FOREVER. Jeff
knew it sucked, we knew it sucked, Rupert knew it sucked; it was horrible.
Then the Yogi's watch as, from a distance, Raffa makes hand motions to
explain to Jeff that the Yogi Cabin will soon be a swimming pool :( The
tribes all eagerly await the arrival of the plane that will drop the crate
full of various assorted housewares on the winning team. The Yogi's get
passed over and Rupert apologies and Poor Jenna says it wasn't his fault
even though it was. Jerri was right. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. Of
course, Shakira wins. A disbelieving Lex cries from Eggo, "It better be a
damn MANSION. It better have three stories!" Well, it doesn't Lex, but in
it's favor, you can't rip it apart with your bare hands. At Shakira, Big
Tom dances a jig and the whole tribe gets smashed on wine--except for Soo
who doesn't drink. When she says she won't be sharing in the libation, Big
Tom snickers, "The's th' bes' thing ah've hurd frehm Soo," and he, Alicia
and Chachi share a chuckle. Lightweight Amber gets bombed and flirty with
Chachi, who frets because he is indeed dumb enough to think that their
"alliance of hotness" isn't totally obvious to everyone else. At Eggo,
Hatch picks up the rice clue and insists, "This is sooooo much more
important then anything else!" Yeah? Well Shakira's got it too, PLUS some
mattresses and a tarp, suckuh!

BEHOLD, THE SYMBOLIC PELICAN OF DEATH

That night, a violent storm hits the islands. We assume the Yogi's don't
drown because they show up at the Immunity Challenge that Never Was but I'm
getting ahead of myself. The action is at Leggo My Eggo. Lex comforts a
quaking and cold Shii Ann and Jenna, and then tells us, "We got drenched
last night. I've never been so cold in all my life--I don't think anyone
ever has, dude. I think people in Antarctica are warmer than us because
they've got dry clothes! Our shelter just wasn't equipped to handle that
kind of storm---I don't think it's actually physically POSSIBLE to build a
shelter that was! Maybe if you had like, bricks and mortar. Maybe." Rich
Jenna watches a pelican fly into the air and it seems to say, "You're
mother is dying and you need to go home right now. Do Not pass Tribal
Council, Do not Collect One Million Dollars." Music that is either from
"The Shawshank Redemption," or is at least litigiously close, plays in the
background as Rich Jenna declares to her tribe that her mother is very
sick, her family needs her, she made a mistake in coming back to
"Survivor," and she needs to walk away from the game. No one believes her
at first, and they all try to talk her out of her funk. Colby reasons, "We
haven't lost yet--we haven't WON either, but with three tribes all that
matters is we haven't LOST. And we've managed not to lose by the
collective effort of each and every member of this team. Losing anyone
will hurt and it will hurt morale." Kath is shocked when she learns that
Rich Jenna's mother is in a Cancer Rehab, "She shouldn't be here, quite
frankly," she huffs, but she reaches out and tries to comfort Jenna, whom
she describes as "a quivering little leaf." The tribe has a team meeting
and in what can only be described as THE WORST METAPHOR EVER, Kath tells
Jenna she needs to make a decision because her depression and uncertainty
"is like a cancer eating away at us." Uh. You mean...it's like the
disease that's currently killing her mom? Like that? Way to go,
Kath--even shameless Richard Hatch seemed mortified.

THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE THAT NEVER WAS

All three tribes arrive at the Immunity Beach, where an elaborate looking
challenge will go unplayed. Or maybe they'll leave it up and play it next
time, I dunno, but the point is, they don't play it today. It starts with
everyone "taking in" the new Yogi's, and Hatch reacts with mocking
false-sorrow at Rudy's departure. Jeff asks how everyone's
doing--actually, he asks the PYT's from each tribe how they're doing: Poor
Jenna, Amber and Rich Jenna. Poor Jenna's grrrrrreeeeat! Amber's just
peachy, thanks! Hatch speaks for a weepy Jenna, and pretends he gives a
rat's patootie about the "emotional things" going on at Leggo My Eggo.
Then Rich Jenna announces, "Due to an illness in my family, I need to pull
myself out of the game. I love this game but my priority is my family."
She declares that her mother's condition has gotten worse. Jeff frowns,
"You're talking like you're getting updates or something and if that's
true, I'll find out who leaked this information and fire their ass!" Jenna
shakes her head, "No, it's like a psychic connection--She's my mother, I'm
her only child, I got a vibe--I saw the Symbolic Pelican of Death rise out
over the ocean, and I know she needs me there. I made a bad judgment call,
I shouldn't have came--she wanted me to do this but I'd never forgive
myself if she died while I was here (CBS cuts to a weepy Ethan, who's Dad
died after a long illness when he was a teenager). CBS is such a
bastard--even the way they promoted this--"You won't BELIEVE what happens
in the LAST 15 minutes!!!!" I guess we should count our blessings that
they didn't say, "Tonight on Survivor: SOMEBODY DIES!!!"

Jeff opens up the discussion to the peanut gallery. Honestly, I think
Hatch is the only person who really gets this from a game POV: Hey,
Jenna's LEAVING. We don't have to expend any energy trying to win immunity
and none of the rest of us are going home: Neat-o! Alicia scowls, "Yo,
family rules, aiiight. There's nothing more important. I wouldn't've come
out here to begin with--I want you to go, I nevuh woulda come. Evuh!"
Kath gets all Mother Bear protective and barks back, "Hey, Jenna ADMITTED
she made a mistake by abandoning her mother back at the hospice to die
alone, okay?" Alicia shrugs, unfazed, "I know she admits it--So?" Amber
decides to be the goodwill ambassador of Shakira and asks Jeff for
permission to cross the sacred Tribal lines and give Jenna a hug, which he
allows--gee, thanks, Jeff. Jenna continues, "I just want to give major
props to all you guys--the game is really hard this time and you're a lot
stronger than me." This sets off Jeff's Osten-o-meter, "Wai-wai-wait! Are
you quitting because you're mother's dying of cancer as we speak, or are
you quitting because you're a whiny wimp with no respect for THE GAME like
that contestant whose torch we banished!? Because if you just can't handle
it, then you're coming to Tribal Council, missy, and I'll shame ya! I'll
shame ya good!" Jenna retorts, "Uh, HELLO, I handled it so well last time
that I WON, dumbass. I need this time with my mom, okay?" Chachi
tearfully tells Jeff to back off, "Ah don' tink dat it's right fuh any of
us tuh question her motives--I say we suppaht huh, an not jus because uh
duh fact dat she's haht." Rupert chimes in, "I feel bad fuh her, because
I'm so sensitive, but I also condemn her fuh quitting because I'm such a
competitor. That's the dichotomy that is Rupert." Big Tom blathers, "Ah
maiyd commih't ahs cu'n hyeh. Ah tol' meh faimleh, if'n thaiy ul dodd in
cah wreck? Ah'l be thar aferts over. Ah maiyd thet sihzyon fer Big Tom--a
lot of paypul er diff'rnt then Big Tom." THANK GOD. Jeff sighs, "Okay,
Jenna, I guess we can't keep you here and force to you to try and win a
million dollars--and believe me, I DID ask our lawyers but they said that
even though we're in a foreign land, you're an American citizen and it
would constitute false imprisonment. But this could have BIG HUGE
consequences to the game--especially if we were trying to bring back all
the ousted players back for some reason, which we're NOT. Probably. Plus,
you're giving a free pass to everyone else including the Big Loser Yogi's!
And you're leaving your tribe a person short which means only ONE of them
can sit out of the challenges, instead of two! Can you live with that?"
"Yep." "Can you make it to Tribal Council?" "Nope." Jeff looks bummed
about the no Tribal Council thing. Jenna is hugged by everyone and then
she waves goodbye. A Speedboat takes her away from the islands and then a
card comes up: "Jenna raced back home. Eight Days later, her mother lost
her long battle with cancer so, turns out it was a good thing that she left
when she did, huh?" Many are left to feel bad for making fun of her, yet
their contempt of Jenna is understandable because she was best friends with
Heidi.

Kath winds up doing Jenna's little farewell, which is nice. Kath is MY
personal frontrunner--in MY perfect world, she would win. Which is amazing
because I started off hating her guts. Such is Survivor. Jenna's leaving
isn't as big a deal either--as a previous winner, her days were numbered,
and I don't see these tribes having ANY real tribe loyalty going into a
merge, since they all know one another. Next week, Hatch HAS to be the
most vulnerable at Eggo, while Soo is getting help from Rob C. at
Shakira--either could go next. At Yogi, Ethan is on thin ice IF Jerri is
thinking of Poor Jenna as her Amber. But, I could see her siding with the
boys to oust her too. That's a tricky situation--one that may come down to
a tie-break.


"Don't be mad because we have good bodies. It's not our fault!"
Jenna Morasca, 2003

Peace Out! :D

Survivor 8.2 "The waiting is the hardest part"

Anyone else waiting for something to, you know, happen? Fortunately, the novelty of having this all-star cast hasn't worn off yet but there's a lot of people here that are SUPPOSED to be interesting who are playing things way to safe. It's a problem with bringing back people who were ousted before--everyone's being too cautious to be interesting.

SURVIVOR RAINWATER REVIVAL

The Yogi's are down in dumps--not only is Tina gone, but they had been SO sure they'd be leaving Tribal Council with their fire-bearing torches, they left a pot full of contaminated well water on their fire pit, rather than leaving it empty and able to collect clean rain water. Ethan complains that he's hungry and Jerri complains that she was so cold last night that she doesn't sleep. Then Rudy starts talking about his service in the Viet Nam war and since no one is actually shooting at them, the others are forced to quit whining. For now. Jerri marvels at Rudy's ability to sleep on the cold ground and drink brain parasite, while Poor Jenna shrugs, "Once Rudy decides to do something stupid, there's no point in trying to get him to stop." Rudy tells a story about his military service, that a neighboring bar used to serve drinks with ice cubes that came from the reservoir, "An' dere'd always be five er six bodies floatin' in dere, so I've drank worse den this here well water." Remember, it's the most morbid Survivor EVER!

The Eggo's glory in the falling rain water and drink heartily from the leaves that cover their shack. Rich continues to wander around the island, naked and alone. Lex insists that Rich's nudity is "hilarious" while Colby very unconvincingly claims that it doesn't bother anybody AT ALL to see a large naked gay man strutting around camp at all times. But at least no one's rising to the bait and insisting he cover himself, which is what Hatch wants I'm sure. Again, he's not doing it to be "natural," he's doing it to be rude, different and confrontational. It also strikes me as being unsafe--there's safety reasons for covering your, er, business, what with the bugs and snakes and machetes and all. The Shakira's are so happy with the rain that Big Tom leads them in a sing-a-long, and they all gleefully mis-sing Credence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" The day is broken up by tree mail--or in this case, Tree UPS. A large crate is delivered to each tribe, locked with three padlocks. Everyone stares at it like it's a television set and wonders about what could be inside. At Shakira, Chachi lobbies for them to bust it open, and is irritated at his tribe's insistence that they follow the rules, "We're stahvin' heah an' deys all worried about upsettin' pretty boy Probst." And getting penalized for cheating, you big dope. You WISH you were as Pretty as Jeff.

QUEST FOR FIRE

Everyone gathers at the Reward Beach, where everyone reacts with shock at Tina's absence. Fellow millionaires Rich and Rich Jenna are especially displeased. The Reward Challenge is a grueling swimming contest to retrieve logs from the water and use them to build a staircase to the top of a platform. What are they playing for? A pile of ratty old blankets. Back in Colby and Jerri's day, there would have been Doritos and Mountain Dew underneath them but now it's just blankets. No one seems very thrilled but everyone gives it their all and it's very competitive. Rudy and Ethan kick ass and the Yogi's easily beat the other teams. They are offered a deal: they can trade their blankets for a clue-bearing cooking pot which should lead them to the first key to the lock box, which contains RICE. The beleaguered and beaten All Stars, who in previous seasons bitched and moaned over that monotonous Survivor staple now drool at the prospect of being gastronomically reunited with their old grainy friend. They'll also get flint so they can start a fire, boil water and not die. The so-called "twist" is if they take Jeff up on the trade, that means EVERYONE gets the cluepot and the flint. The Yogi's take all of five second to make the no-brainer decision to give everyone--including their dehydrated selves--fire, and there is much rejoicing.

Back at Camp Leggo My Eggo, Rich marvels that Tina was eliminated, "I would have bet HUGE amounts of money--which it just so happens I HAVE--that Rudy would be gone. There are HUGE targets on the winners." Yes, Alex, I'll take "NO FREAKING DUH" for $600. Lex thinks it's cool that Tina's gone, "It's GREAT, man. It really sets the tone, you know? It's business this time. Remember when I was psychotic and paranoid and interesting? Those days are gone, my friends." At Shakira, Rob too is happy with Tina's ouster, "It's exciting--I always thought Tina was a big phony. And I don't have a million bucks so by all means, let's target the winners. Remember when I was funny and conniving and interesting?" There is some conflict at Shakira over the fire building, where Alicia's motivational skills only inspire irritation in the likes of Chachi and, to a lesser extent, Big Tom, who says, "Ol fahmboy hes tuh keep his big muth shut tuh early in theh gayme raht now we've got fahv chiefs 'an one ind yun." That one Indian being space-filler Amber, one would presume. Chachi complains, "Alicia's tawkin' too much. She's got a big mouth on 'er and she needs tuh learn tuh shut it." Alicia thinks the boys are being too mucho and I have to agree--she makes the proper decision to spark the fire under the already built fire nest, and goes about encouraging everyone and praising them for their hard work. It might be a little too "coachy" for everyone's taste, but the fact of the matter is, she was RIGHT, Beantown. And I'm sorry...did CHACHI just accuse somebody ELSE of talking too much? Ay Carumba. But I shouldn't be too hard on Chachi--he IS being colorful and interesting.

The Yogi's, being the Yogi's, have a little more trouble starting their fire than Shakira. Rupert grins, "I thought I was an outdoorsman--and I AM...with a lighter." I heart Rupert. Ethan and Poor Jenna go to get water and Ethan once again laments his eminent doom. Poor Jenna tells him to chill out--they might not have to go back to Tribal Council for another 9 days so give it a rest. This makes SO MUCH SENSE but Ethan scoffs, "Jenna was like, we kept you around a little longer--oh, gee THANKS, Jenna. She's so cocky calling all the shots, it really bugs me." Welcome to the T-Bird's Survivor, Ethan. He's lucky he's so magnificently built or I'd be really irritated with him right now. Ethan, I'm thisclose to dubbing you Cute Whiny Ethan, so check yourself. Poor Jenna does her own homage to Michael Stupin when she singes her hair in the fire--THE FIRE!! Yay! The Yogi's rejoice. Later, they fret over Rudy's foot injury, and hope it doesn't affect their chances in the next competition. The Eggo's meanwhile are having a terrible time starting theirs. Lex wonders, "Is it the materials we're using? Are we just tired? Or do we just suck?" I think they just suck since the other tribes have managed to get fire. Rain rolls in and Lex suggests that they stop--he doesn't want to waste materials building a fire that's just going to get doused. Kath disagrees but the fire doesn't get built and the Eggo's spend a very cold fireless night together. Kath blames the boys: "We SHOULD have fire but our lame boys didn't do it and last season I went Kompletely Krazy and alienated my tribe over my obsession with fire--remember that? I was interesting back then but this season I'm playing it safe." Next morning, Kath and Lex make fire. Then the tribe goes on a treasure hunt and Rich finds the key in a cave. Big Kid Kath is disappointed and asks Rich to put it back so she can see exactly where it was. Hatch thinks the whole thing was stupid, "This should be a big day for us--we made fire, we found the key--that's all extraneous crap to me, it's the interpersonal headgames that are what this game is all about to Richard Hatch: Super Genius." The problem with Hatch's argument her is twofold: One, even though he's been more of a team player since Tina's ouster, he's still the officious naked millionaire who nobody likes. Two, in HIS Survivor, reward challenges were for hammocks and beer and whatnot but this time around, their for FOOD and FIRE and other things that are essential for the survival of his mortal tribe mates--and if his tribe loses I'd be STUNNED to see anyone else get the boot. And no matter how many times Hatch tells us how smart he is, it's pretty obvious that he's being very dumb right now. Any idiot could see that--even Chachi.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

I have but one helpful note
When trying to bail out a boat:
Don't try to get in it
with water still in it
Your weight won't help it stay afloat

This challenge is another doozy: Three boats lay on the ocean floor, and each team must dive fairly deep in order to untie slipknots and remove crates from theirs until it rises to the top. Then they must bail it out and paddle it to shore. It's pretty dicey at times--it's a long way to the surface and there's a few scary moments when some of the guys get overly-ambitious about how many crates they can remove before they need to get more oxygen. The Yogi's take an early lead but blow it by making the truly dumb decision of hand bailing the boat completely rather than bailing for a bit and then, when it's manageable, picking the boat up and dumping out the remaining water. Then Ethan tries to jump in the boat when it's still water-laden, and it fills up with water again. They leave without one of their paddles--it's a big mess. Shakira kicks everyone's asses again and wins easily, while the Eggo's leave the platform with water still in their boat and they start sinking. Even still, they manage to beat the sunk Yogi's, who face another difficult Tribal Council.

LOSERS LAMENT

The glum Yogi's perform a post-mortem on their latest loss. "We had it," Poor Jenna laments. "We played stronger, we just didn't play smarter," Jerri blathers with al the logic of a professional athlete. Jerri tells us that "Each one of us is blame ourselves for our part in the loss--remember when I was arrogant and bitchy and interesting?" But Rupert and Jenna are blaming Ethan for jumping in the boat, and Ethan and Jerri for holding on and pushing the boat down during the doomed bailing process. A vulnerable Ethan goes out to try to spear a fish in the hopes of "finding his niche." He fails, and then Rupert goes out with the same handmade spear and immediately succeeds. Poor Jenna and Jerri tell Rupert that Rudy's physically the weak link in the tribe, and should be the one to go. Rupert cries to the camera over the idea of dumping the Navy Seal, "Rudy is a hero--he deserves to be here! It's killing ME to be here." He tells the girls he CANNOT vote for Rudy because he gave his word that he wouldn't. However, it seems to me that if Rupert really really WANTED to, he could rather easily get Rudy and Ethan together to vote out Poor Jenna. I think Rupert is more comfortable around women than he is men, and he knows that his "protector/provider" act plays better with the ladies too.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Rupert to discuss the highs and lows of the last few days--they went form despair at last Tribal Council and ousting Tina to the high of winning the Reward and being able to provide fire and life to everyone and now they're back to the sad place of having to cull their own little herd. Rudy is his usual undiplomatic self as he says, "I been t'rew worse den this. Puttin' up with the other people is the REAL survival part." Rupert admits that he will always feel like an outsider to a degree, but today "I caught a fish, I poked it with a stick, I caught a fish." Ethan's worried about being ousted. Jeff asks Jenna is Ethan is STILL target because he won before and if that's STILL fair. Poor Jenna says what I'VE been saying, "People are voted out of this game all the time because they're too good, they're providers, they're seen as too strong. They don't deserve to go either. What's the difference between that and voting out Ethan because he's won before? It's just like any other way to vote, if you want to look at it like that." I concur. Jeff sighs, "Remember when Tribal Councils were volatile and interesting?" Everyone votes. Ethan tells Rudy that his vote for him is "purely strategical," and smiles at his intentionally bad grammar, and homage to Tribal Council's past. Rupert stays true to his word and votes for Ethan but it doesn't matter and Rudy is gone in a close 3-2 vote. A sobbing Jerri watches him go.

How would you explain the once cold and unfeeling Jerri crying over Rudy's departure?

A: The Q continuum stripped her of her demonic super powers and she is having a hard time dealing with unfamiliar human emotions

B: Jerri was ALWAYS a good person and a victim of editing her last time around! No, really!

C: She regained her soul when MC Hammer took the gang to church at the end of "The Surreal Life."

D: She's faking it--this is all one big audition

Please answer the quiz! >:l

Rudy threatens the girls with death should he bump into them back in the world. Damn it, someone finally goes all crazy and interesting and it's in their exit speech! And whatever, you know? Nobody owes you nothing in Survivor. I know Rudy's a war hero and all but he's also a chauvinistic ("women belong in the home") old coot and the weakest physical link on the tribe and a legitimate vote-out at this stage. Last time around he was carried into the Finals by his alliance, which he himself has admitted. I still think his former allies, Hatch and Stoopid Soo are the most vulnerable at the other tribes--if the Yogi's are back AGAIN...Jenna? That'd be my pick as weakest physical link, and until challenges are individual and not team, that's the way you have to think, I think.

"Me an' Richard got to be pretty good friends--not in a homosexual way, that's fer sure." Rudy Boesch, 2000

Peace Out! :D

Survivor 8.1 "The more I know, the less I understand..."

"...all the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again..." Thank you Don Henley, for those appropriate words. I almost don't know what to say about the All Stars! It's so crazy and different from all other seasons. As was said over and over in this initial installment: Everyone's done this before. They know what to expect, they know how their teammates and competitors played the game last time, they know how much worse they're going to feel as the days wear on. And many of them know one other from the Survivor lecture/party circuit! And no, I didn't make that up! As for saying I was gonna have this done before the next show aired--I wanted to give you the full Survivor experience and LIE to you so you'd feel BETRAYED! :p

The three all-star tribes are escorted to their respective beaches by Panamanian military escort, because the "war on drugs" is JUST not as important as the sanctity and secrecy of the Survivor franchise. No one knows who's going to be in the game besides the five other people on their tribe--in fact, they don't know how many tribes there are. They also don't realize that they will each only receive one canteen per person, and then a machete, a cooking pot and a map to their water well and that's it. They won't be given any fire or food help whatsoever. There's an absolutely kick ass scene where Jeff is standing on the side of a helicopter as he tells us all this and then it peels away dramatically, just so fun! 39 Days! 18 All Stars! 2 Rob's! 2 Jenna's! And Only 1 Survivor! :D :D :D :D :D

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

The Three Tribes thing is no doubt an homage to Hanna Barbara's famed Laff-A-Lympics of the late 1970s, so one of the tribe's is named for the "Yogi Yahooheys." The Yogi's consist of 75 year-old former Navy Seal, Rudy and Jenna from season one, Tina and Evil Jerri from season Two, Ethan from season 3 and dear Rupert from last month. The Leggo my Eggo tribe consists of Evil Richard Hatch from season one, Colby from 2, Lex from 3, Kath from 4, Shii Ann from 5 and Jenna from 6--how balanced! FYI I misspell Sue's name as Soo because I don't think she ever spelled anyone's name right, ever. Finally, we have the Shakira tribe, Stoopid Soo from season one, Alicia and Amber from season 2, Big Tom from season 3, Boston Rob from season 4 and Rob C. from season 6. TO keep the Rob's separate, I'm going to exclusively call Boston Rob Chachi, and call Amazon Rob, Rob. Okay? I will NEVER call Boston Rob, Rob. To separate the Jenna's, The Jenna who won Survivor Amazon is Rich Jenna, whereas the Jenna that's rather bitter about not winning Survivor Borneo, and also tended to whine and cry a lot her first time around is Poor Jenna. With that out of the way...

ACCENTUATE THE NEGATIVE

At Shakira, it's just one big mess of big ego's and bad accents. Rob, the ultimate Survivor geek, is excited to be playing again. big Tom says, "Ahm for tate ah got youngs thar age buh ahm her fer drayshun this ain' uh lil boys game this uh big boys game." Chachi reminds us, "Dis is so cutthroat. No one trusts nobody, NOBODY TRUSTS NOBODY d'ya understand!?" Yes Chachi, you're the idiot, not us. Buff and bad Alicia says, "We know each other--we know who we need to be careful of and who NOT to be careful of, and of course by that I mean Amber. What the hell is SHE doing here? Anyway, everyone knows that it's pretty easy to piss me off and that might be my undoing because I will ALWAYS wave my finger in someone's face!!" The gang finds their water well but as Chachi tells us, "Yuh gonna get all kinds uh diseases if yuh drink it." He gets to work on the shelter right away--a far cry from his lazy ass stint in the Marquesas, where he and Sean sat around making fun of Hunter for being, you know, useful. Maybe he's learned--or maybe he's JUST crafty enough to realize with 6 instead of 8 tribe members, slacking off is going to be a helluva lot more obvious. The tribe clashes immediately on how and where the shelter can be built and Soo instantly starts cussing and bellyaching, "I'm the first one oat--because I'm soh oatspoken." "Outspoken" is one of those Survivor euphemisms for being obnoxious like "leadership". Chachi laments, "I didn't know I'd be on duh buffoon tribe again, but apparently, I'm duh brains uh dis operation." Yeah weird how that just keeps happening to you, you being on the stupidest tribe. Well, at least this way you don't have to vote out any gorgeous hard-working, smart survival experts like you did last time!

At Camp Yogi, Ethan is pretty happy with his team make-up, as is fellow winner Tina, who drawls, "Ahm here because this game is part of mah life experience--it's part of mah being. Whin ah kick the bucket, ahm goin' out with a casket full o' life experience!" It's the most morbid Survivor EVER! Rupert is painfully aware that everyone knows each other better than he does, so he's opted to lay low, "I'm gon' be the worker bee an' let all these egos get in each other's way. It's a new strategy for a new game." Just don't be too boring, Rupert. Poor Jenna is thrilled with the team, "Rudy is the perfect ally, Rupert and Jerri are totally in my league [all three were 8th place finishers] and Ethan and Tina? They're DONE. It'll be totally easy to convince the others to vote the winners." Evil Jerri smiles that hateful tight fake smile of hers, "I did get put on a tribe with a woman who doesn't like me very much--Tina. She didn't like me in Australia and I don't think she likes me now. Which is strange since I've yet to frame anybody for smuggling food...but my new strategy is to keep my damn mouth shut for a change!" America checks it's watch and places bets on how long that will last--and how long SHE will last without an army of stooges doing her bidding. She also warns of the water being full of coma-causing brain parasites as we cut to Rudy drinking it. He shrugs, "I drunk dirty water all over der world in Viet Nam an' Russia--I drank dir'ier water 'n dat." Rudy kinda sounds like a blue-collar Lawrence Welk.

PARANOIA MAY DESTROYA YA

The Eggos have to endure Hatch's pontificating right away as he blathers on about the ideal place for their shelter and why his way is the best way, blah blah bleh. The man loves the sound of his own voice ALMOST as much as he enjoys the sight of his own wiener. He is quickly nude, of course. He does this to make everyone uncomfortable and everyone gives him a pass because having an objection would be prudish or something. He's not some "free spirit" nudist who wants to be natural. He's a sociopath who enjoys the pain and discomfort of others, and that's not hyperbole. If he ever displays the slightest empathy for another person I'll eat a hat. Lex--who I think has doubled the amount of tattoos on his body since Africa--reveals, "I'd be lying to you if I told you that a day went by that I didn't think about THE GAME and what I could have done different and who I should have killed and the possibility of coming back someday!" Rich Jenna chuckles, "We're all, like, such morons for coming back--we must really have issues." We're counting on it. Kath, Shii Ann and Rich Jenna fear that the boys have already united in a boy power thing, and as they discuss this, the boys suspect a girl power thing is going on. Hatch sniffs, "Everyone's paranoid. I suppose I should be too but that would imply that I'm not superior to them." Hatch tells Kath that he heard the girls plotting and Lex circles the tribe together and sanely (!?!) suggests that everyone concentrate on the shelter and winning challenges for now and worry about alliances later. Colby (looking better than ever, I might add) declares he doesn't trust any of them "sons of guns." Later, Shii Ann and Rich Jenna ask for advice for finding some flint to start a fire but he scares them off with his penis.

THERE'S A REASON I CALL HER STOOPID SOO

At Shakira, no one can start a fire, so nobody can boil any water, so everyone's sad. Soo refuses to help TRY, braying from the sidelines, "I've soah been where you are right now--I killed myself for two days in Borneo, I couldn't do it. I can't do fire." Chachi frowns, "Dere's dat positive attitude we're lookin fuh!" Big Tom is equally unimpressed, "So fer Soo hain't hepped wih t' fayr she says sh' cou't do ih t' layst tahm wulh this t'ain't th' layst tahm this is this tahm!" Big Tom makes a lot of sense. Then Soo goes and drinks the contaminated well water because she doesn't want to get dehydrated, "I live in Canada for six years and I drank it right oat oh the lake--I drank enough beaver poop in my life tuh handle what's growin' in dere, eh?" Go Brain Parasites, GO!!!

The Yogi's can't start a fire, so they can't boil water, and everyone's sad. Jerri realizes, "No one's coming to save us." In Australia, her Bear Monday tribe lost all their food and matches because they stupidly (and at her insistence) built their shelter on a "dry" riverbed that swelled with rain and swept their camp away. Jeff did provide them with rations in exchange for Colby's Texas state flag which had become the roof of their shelter. This season, fellow millionaires Ethan and Tina have paired up, as have the p.y.t.'s of the tribe, Poor Jenna and Evil Jerri. This prompts Rudy to approach Rupert to form an alliance, and they shake on it. Rudy reminds Rupert that he's a man of his word. So much so, he handed Hatch the game even after Rich stabbed him in the back and took Kelly with him to the Final Two. I maintain that that was more stupid than honorable, but then Rudy didn't have much use for Kelly either.

The next morning, Shakira awakens--except for Chachi and Amber who didn't sleep. They want to rebuild the shelter, while Alicia thinks everyone should work on the fire. Why they need six people to focus on starting a fire? Who knows but Alicia is very put out at what she considers Chachi and Amber's crybabyness, "We got six people with no water, and two people--Prince Chachi and Princess Bambi--who can't sleep because they can feel the frick'n pea under fifty mattresses or whatever!" Amber squeaks, "In all fairness, it's the sand and bugs we can feel and it's under No mattresses." Big Tom is bemused my anyone's objections to squalor or hardship, "Ah nevuh heard suh much crybayby-teethsuckin' in all muh Layf--they gown hafe tuh toffen up some, ya hear?" Chachi is miffed by Alicia's mocking bossiness, "She's a drama queen," he confides to us, "Yuh want the facts? Come tuh Mariano. She's a drama queen." Alicia thinks Chachi is just as bossy, ranting, "Who made Rob the master of the camp and Amber his little "in-pocket" girl!? When did THAT happen!?" As obvious as their "we're so pretty, let's be friends" coalition is to the rest of their tribe, Chachi still feels the need to get Amber to commit to a "secret pact" which they vow to keep secret from the others. Chachi confides, "Me'n Ambuh have an alliance fer a'vious reasons. She's hot--any idiot kin see dat. I'll keep my word tuh her an' I don't think she's gonna screw me eithuh." Yeah, NO ONE thinks Amber's gonna, er...screw you, Chachi. Alicia's "in-pocket girl" comment is probably a direct reference to Chachi's game-plan in the Marquesas, when he claimed that the buxom and brainless Sarah was his "Ace in the Hole" and essentially a second vote--she'd do whatever he told her to. In Australia, Amber was Jerri's flunky and once Jerri was ousted, Amber never made any effort to form her own strategy. Hopefully she's learned a little. Chachi hasn't, if this is any indication. His bond with Amber is such a predictable one--the smartest thing he did in the Marquesas was make an unlikely pact with the older and kooky Kath. You want the facts? Come to Seghers.

Back at Leggo my Eggo, they can't start a fire, so they can't boil water, so everyone is sad. Except for Richard Hatch, who is playing the same bizarre game that his former alliance-mate Soo is: Be obnoxious and unhelpful at every turn. I really think that being from season 1's Final four gives them some sort of celebrity status amongst those that came after--and do a degree I think that's true. Behavior that would have been loathsome from a stranger is treated with almost affectionate indulgence. Hatch is of course completely enamored with himself and loves talking to the camera about how HE could start a fire--if, you know, he WANTED to--puhleeze. What does this get him? In season One, he used the provider role to cement his place in the tribe--he caught fish. Here, he mocks the others for being "so skinny," as though his excess bodyfat is going to win him the game. First of all, it's not logical to want your team to be struggling, physically, at this stage of the game where you need them to be winning competitions. Secondly, Hatch is the only hefty person to ever win Survivor. Tina, Ethan, Vecepia, Brian and Jenna were all VERY skinny as people go and Sandra, while stout, was a tiny little thing. But here he's claiming that, unlike mere mortals, he's "not even hungry." I really don't think it's an act with Richard--I really don't think he has any real empathy for other people and I truly feel horrible for that poor boy he adopted and abuses or that boyfriend he threw down a flight of stairs. Hatch is just an odious excuse for a human being. And now he's decided not to try to play the game this time so that when he's voted off he can say just that, "I didn't even try, I knew the others would be so intimidated by me that they'd never give me chance, blah blah blah, me, me, me." Shii Ann agrees, stating, "Rich is obnoxious. He's going out of his way not to work and I think that's part of his strategy. he wants to stick out and be shocking and make everyone else thing that he doesn't care what happens." She dishes about Hatch with Lex and Rich Jenna (who's keeping a wisely-low profile so far) and they laugh about his lazy arrogance. Shii Ann shrugs sarcastically, "He's the KING!" and Lex is quick to remind her, "He was king when he was playing with a bunch of sheep--this is a WHOLE different game." If Lex helps get rid of Richard Hatch, I promise I will state that Lex is really FREAKING COOL without a hint of sarcasm. Even though he has a tattoo of an eightball with a knife through it. Shii Ann tries to pick Hatch's brain about his strategy and wonders if his separating himself from the others his plan and he gives a non-sensical answer about how he's showing them that he doesn't care about their plotting against him. Uh...it's STILL a numbers game, Hatch. And you're making it very easy to get rid of you.

Back at Shakira, Rob arrives back with the first Tree mail, which includes a diving mask, which he declares is bad news. Chachi argues, "Whaddaya mean, dat's good!" I think maybe he thought it was a Brita or something. Shakira circles up to read the poem but Stoopid Soo is laying like a beached whale and can't be bothered to join them, "Just read it louder!" she barks. Chachi does the honors and when the poem speaks of team unity he humorously repeats the word slowly for her benefit, "UN-I-TY." I gotta give props to Chachi on that one. Not so much to Rob for wondering if the "man of flame" referenced in the poem is Richard Hatch. Rob, you're trying to hard.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

It's time to find out who is here
and there's possibly people you fear
by now you all know
that someone will go
everytime your team brings up the rear

The tribes finally get a look at one another. Hatch decides his first moment of "team pride" will be used to taunt Shakira as a bunch of also-ran losers. Soo seems unthrilled to see him--hey, you voted for him, dumb-ass. Alicia picks up on the Eggo's vibe and shoots back, "His team looks likes they love him ALREADY." When the Yogi's arrive, Rupert is hailed as a celebrity among celebrities. Everyone admits that they have no fire and therefore, Jeff states, their water is useless. "Weeeell," Rob begins and Soo finishes, 'I drank it." Jeff asks Rudy if this is wise and he says "Yeah" and everyone laughs. Jeff implies that Rudy said this because Soo is on the other team and Rudy agrees, even though he said it because he's drinking it too--man of honor my ass! Seriously though, I don't think Rudy's always really listening to what other people say. What's fun about all the interplay between tribes is that these people are all fans of Survivor--and fans of each other. Jeff explains that the Immunity idol is made of two-pieces, a person and a fish. The first and second place tribes get immunity, the last place tribe goes to Tribal Council. Then they take place in one of those classic, bone-smashing, soul-crushing Survivor challenges. They start on a floating platform, they all have to swim to shore while pushing a torch-raft and lighting fires along the way and unhooking stuff under water and then when they get to shore they have to push the torch raft under a wood frame and then they have to pick it up and run it for a while. Shakira--the only tribe with no previous winner--wins easily. The race for second is much closer and the Eggos nudge out the Yogi's :(

Shakira is on a high from their dominating display, especially since they are, in Chachi's words, "duh biggest bunch ah misfits--duh ultimate unduhdahgs." Ironically, he is wearing a Boston Red Sox hat as he says this. But then it's back to reality--they still have no fire.

The Yogi's are meanwhile having to face the sad reality of voting somebody out. Jenna lobbies Jerri and a reluctant Rupert to vote out the winners first. "It's gonna feel good," Jerri declares, "Because they don't know what it feels like." Jenna is surprised at how unenthused Rupert is, and wonders privately if he's playing another angle. Ethan tries to get Jenna to see how unfair it is to target the winners, "You'd be stupid not to want to go into the Finals with a millionaire," he reasons. He's taken aback by Jenna's vehemence at wanting the winners out first (fyi, Ethan and Jenna have done ECO-Challenge together, an intense adventure race that Burnett started before Survivor). On the one hand, Ethan has a point, but on the other--someone has to go first, and in a team made up of all-stars, where there are no real misfits, being a millionaire is as good a reason as any to "not fit in." Tina and Ethan scramble to pull Rupert in to oust Jenna (who DID perform pretty badly at the challenge, if you ask me--oh wait, you never ask, I just tell you). Ethan reminds Rupert, "You saw Jenna and Jerri--how they played last time. They don't play the way you do. I kept my promises in Africa." Rupert smiles, "I know, and I like that." Now, I love Ethan. He's obviously great-looking and beyond that I think he's kind and fair and moral. But I have to interject on two points. One, Jenna didn't really play an unethical game the first time around. She and her Pagong tribemates played an astoundingly stupid game but I don't think Jenna did much lying or backstabbing. She did whine and cry a lot about how much she missed her kids, and she did vote out Ramona after Ramona called her her "first white friend," but she was never in a position of power. Ethan, on the other hand, was in a strong alliance from the start. His position was never really threatened so he never had to lie about his allegiances. And he DID lie to Silas--which is fine, I'm all for lying to bad people. I'm just saying that what Tina and Ethan are feeling is the SAME feeling of frustration and powerlessness that people like T-Bird, Alicia, Rodger, Elisabeth and Lil Kim faced in the game because of Tina and Ethan. That's all.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Tribal Council is in a kick-ass Tree House--how awesome is that? It's pouring rain and the Survivors are catching the water in their hand and clothes and ringing in into their thirsty mouths. Jeff asks Jerri, "What's it like compared to the last Survivor you were in. She smiles tightly, "It's total hell--and I should know, I'm from there." Rupert and Rudy remind everyone why they're so endearing (Rudy is a lot more likable when there aren't any "queers" around for him to be incessantly phobic about) and Ethan is quite bitter when he acknowledges that for the others, dumping the winners is "payback time--you won before, you had your chance." Even the unflappable (and yes, everyone, distressingly gaunt) Jeff Probst is taken aback by Jenna's insistence that all the past winners need to be taken out of the game and that she would NEVER vote for any of them to win the million dollars a second time, "It's a MILLION DOLLARS. It's real easy for the people who've won it already to come back here and say they're here just for the competition!" Ethan and Tina want to throttle her. Tina tells Jeff she doesn't think it's fair, "But all of us winners knew what we'd be facing when we came back." Rupert and Rudy both feel that they would give a past winner a chance in the end, if they felt they were the best player left. Ethan makes the analogy that some teams make it to the playoffs again and again, and win back-to-back-championships: would it be fair to prohibit those teams from playing again, just to give other teams a chance?

It's a good argument but Survivor has never been about "fair." It's not a game where the so-called "best player" automatically wins. It's a game of chance, politics, survival, skill and fate. With no slacker or troublemaker to boot, getting rid of Tina makes as much sense as anybody else and she's ousted 4-2. She and Ethan cast their votes at Jenna, whom Ethan warns, "That mouth just keeps on going on going. Be careful, or it might bite you on that big ol' butt of yours." C'mon, Ethan. Suck it up, bad sportsmanship doesn't suit you :( To add insult to injury, Jeff doesn't let them return to camp with fire--they have to make it themselves. In her farewell, Tina laments being first off, and not having an equal playing field, but she knew it was going to be tough when she signed on. Considering all the major twists we've been promised, I wouldn't be so sure we've seen the last of Tina, I'm just sayin'. Since we have 18 instead of 16, and this is such a different animal than a regular Survivor, I have decided not to even try to compare it to those previous--comparing Tina to the likes of Deb and Diane and Peter (who? exactly!) just ain't right.

"Let the Games Begin!" Tina Wesson, 2001

Peace! :D

Yesterday's News AKA Survivor 7.14 Pearl Islands Finale Review

FINAL FOUR

When we last left our intrepid Survivors, the girls had FINALLY banded together to eject Burton from the tribe. The groggy Final Four: Darrah, Jon, Lil and Sandra, are awakened by the sound of an approaching speedboat. The very handsome Jeff Probst disembarks and strolls up the beach with a silver tray carrying champagne, orange juice and pastries...wait a minute...I...feel like I've had this dream before...*ahem.* Anyway. Jeff quips, "Jon and three women in bed--another first!" And of course Jon has to be all, "Uh, actually, not really, heh heh." As. if. Then again, I guess Jon's money spends as good as anyone else's. Then Lill has the nerve to give Jeff a big hug and gush, "God, I love this man so much--I wonder if he want to join a troop?" I think that's gonna be my new code phrase if I see a cute guy, "I wonder if he wants to join a troop?" You're not fooling anybody, Lill! Then Jeff goes to get something from the boat and Jon guesses that it's letters from home and of course Lill becomes unglued and starts crying, "Doooon't saaaaay th-th-thaaaaaat!" And then she hugs Jeff AGAIN! If there's a lower feeling than being jealous of Lill, I don't want to know about it.

Everyone reads their letters: Sandra is encouraged by her mother, husband and two children. Darrah is happy to hear that her dog is okay. Lord only knows who gives a rat's ass about Jon but someone wrote him a letter. And then there's Lill. Lill decides to read her letters aloud for the camera, wailing and sobbing and sputtering as her son quotes Pete Rose in order to encourage her--I guess that a creep like Pete Rose can still be inspiring to you if you're from Cincinnati. Jon glares hatefully and complains, "The theatrics, the sobbing--that's been her M.O. from the very beginning." And already, I know what feels lower than being jealous of Lill: agreeing with Jonny Fairplay. Man are we off to a rough start.

THE GIRL POWER GOES SOUR

Jon, Darrah and Lill are laying around camp and Jon, shit disturber extraordinaire, tries to get either woman to admit the girls have all agreed to go in as the Final Three. Neither answers, so Jon takes that as a yes. To the camera, he explains, "It's clear they've formed an bond because they all share inferiority complexes to that of a man." Zuh? A five-year-old would feel grammatically superior to Jon. Still, I do have to give him credit for the wedge he drops nice and neat in between Lill and Darrah. He snaps, "Lill, you're going to win and you KNOW it--all that hearts and flowers with the letter? That was just rehearsal for Tribal Council!" Lill thinks the jury will be more interested in skill and strategy than sympathy (she's right). Jon then plays on her insecurity, insisting that Darrah and Sandra are too smart to take her with them to the Final Two, prompting Darrah to drawl, "Ah ain' gittin' in the middle uh this, ya'll!" But it's too late. Lill asks Darrah if she has her vote and Darrah won't commit but she does opine, "If'n ah do tayk yuh, ahm gon' git mah butt kicked." Of course in Lil's childish and petty little mind this is a complete betrayal and she stalks off to sulk in the nearby hammock. When Darrah sighs, "Don' be mayd," Lil tearfully huffs, "I just need to be aloooone--I'm sorry if that makes me MEAN." UGH, I HATE HER!!!!! STILL!!!!! She whines, "I'm screwed because I'm soooo nice!" Well, that's what you've been selling for the last 37 days, Lil, I have no idea why you're so surprised everyone's bought it. If it's any consolation, I don't think you're nice AT ALL. Neither does Darrah, who's sick of Lil's tantrums and constant need for reassurance. She tells Jon, "Hayl, ah don' know if'n ahm even gon' BE here mah saylf!" Jon smiles wickedly and twirls his moustache, "You WILL if you, me and Sandra vote her the hell out of here." Darrah's all about that, so she goes off to lobby Sandra. Sandra is open to any plan that involves voting out anyone but her. So when Lil lobbies Sandra to vote Darrah out, Sandra's open to that too. Lill declares that they're all sunk so long as Darrah's around because she's going to keep winning immunity. Sandra laughs out loud, seemingly bemused that Lill is suddenly ACTUALLY taking some initiative in all this. They tell Jon that if Darrah loses immunity, she's toast and he's only too happy to agree. He's QUITE pleased with his "mastery" over the situation and the tension he was able to exploit in order to get himself off the chopping block (it was a good move--but let's face it: getting Lil to freak out is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel which, granted, would probably prove impossible for any member of the Morgan tribe). Sandra is ambivalent about the next Tribal Council, "As it stands, either Darrah or Lil is going tonight--I don' really give a damn as long as it isn't ME." I love Sandra.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

I'm looking forward
to writing lim'ricks again
they're a lot more fun

I'm just BURNT on the haiku, man. When it's not there it is SO not there. The survivors are told to proceed directly to Tribal Council, do not pass Challenge Beach, do not collect $200. The immunity test will somehow involve the jury. Jon isn't worried in the slightest: "I don't care. I'm the king of men and they're women. If it's a getting pregnant contest they probably win but mentally and physically, I can beat any of them." I know Jon's only doing his "wrestler villain persona" thing here to rile up the crowd, but someone really should tell him that Andrew Dice Clay wrung every last humorless drop out of the very very very shallow well known as "witless misogyny masquarading as comedy," back in 1990. Not to mention, Darrah's been kicking his ass these last three immunity games, so what the hell is he talking about? Ugh, he's a horrible little turd.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 1

At Tribal Council, Jeff reveals that they'll be quizzed on their knowledge of survival tools and pirate lore. The jury will be competing as a team against the individual survivors and if the jury wins, no one gets immunity. Jon actually comes closest to winning but the Jury winds up with the prize. Jon was the only one to "correctly" choose "don't go in the water" as the best way to avoid being attacked by a shark. Sure it's funny, but I thought that was a total F/U trick question and shouldn't have been asked. The jury wins immunity, leaving everyone up for grabs. Jeff asks Jon whether the jury's win will effect the vote and he says it won't: there are several possible targets tonight. He wisely lies and claims he's one of them. Then Jeff asks Lill about the letters from home they received and right on cue, she starts sobbing, "I've been pretty stroooong and I have not broke down. I've read those letters sooo many t-t-times and, next to God, they are do important to me." First of all, if the last few days are "Lill not breaking down," then I shuder to think what IS. Second, only Lil would feel the need to clarify that her deep regard for her letter from home has in no way usurped her devotion to the Lord. Can you imagine? If every time I said, "Gosh, I am SO loving Survivor right now," I added hastily, "But not as much as I love God, of course!" Again, I hate to be vibing with Jonny Fairplay but I gotta concur whole-heartedly with his disdainful eyeroll here. After Darrah and Sandra give generic answers to Jeff's questions about their game strategies, Lill whips out that classic Calling Card of Craziness: referring to oneself in the third person. She pouts indignantly, "I've been told that no one waaaants to take me into the Final Two. Well, these characteristics are Lillian Morris. I can't change them, that's what they are. I'm hard-working [here we go again], I'm a loyal friend and I don't like what this game has made me--I hate it!" Jeff frowns, "Don't disrespect the game, Lil."

Darrah pshaws the very idea that she's a physical threat, despite her previous three-game win-streak. Jon tells Jeff he's banking on his unlikablity to keep him in the game. At this point, Jeff wonders whether that might backfire because, "Someone like the noble and industrious Lillian Morris might decide that based on her integrity and faith in a righteous God, she can't allow for even the remote chance that an evil creep like Jon might win." Lil nods, "That sure does sound like Lillian Morris, all right." Jon shrugs, "Well, I haven't figured out how I'm gonna win over that jury yet," and everyone shares a good-natured laugh. One of the weird things about this cast is despite all their conflicts, I think they mostly like each other and one of the truly great things about the jurors is they're all HAVING FUN, rather than stewing in their bitterness like many of the past. Of course, that's all about to change since Darrah's about to be blindsided. In typical Lil double-talk, the Poutmaster begins with the compliment, "You're a real strong competitor," but then adds, "You said you wouldn't take me to the end after I saved you TWICE." UGH, you have freaking HATED Darrah since DAY ONE, just flipping OWN IT! AAAAAAGGGGHHH. And Darrah never said she WOULDN'T take you, she said she wasn't going to commit just yet and you did not "save" Darrah by deciding to backstab Rupert and Burton TO FURTHER YOUR OWN AGENDA you stupid, petty hypocrite. Guck. Darrah owns HER contempt of Lill, "Ahm tarred of hear'n y'all whine 'n say you won' win all theh votes whihn you know you wheel!" Darrah is ousted 3-1, and sums it up perfectly, "Well, that sucked." In the history of Survivor 4th place finishers, only season two's Elisabeth really saw it coming. She wasn't in the alliance of Tina, Colby and Keith and she knew immunity was her only hope. Every other 4th placer was a surprised member of a not-as-strong-as-they thought alliance: Stupid Soo was dumped by Hatch and Rudy when Kelly won immunity, Big Tom was cut loose by Lex, Kim and Ethan, Paschal was ousted in a rare (and random) tie-breaker, Helen was duped by Brian and Clay (and herself) and Butch was Mice-and-Menned by Rob, Jenna and Matt.

LILLIAN MORRIS SUCKS

Back at camp, Lil AGAIN has to justify voting out Darrah because of her ability to win immunities. YOU FREAKING HATED HER! ADMIT IT!!!! AGGGGGGH! Then she fishes, "Was I such a big target?" and Jon is all to happy to feed her persecution complex, "According to Darrah you were!" and then she sniffs, "Hmmmpf, I don't feel bad after all." YOU NEVER FELT BAD ABOUT IT >:0 OWN IT! ADMIT IT! ADMIT YOUR HUMANITY! ADMIT YOU'RE NOT ABOVE THIS GAME! Ugh, she's such a bitch. Oh, and I love how EVERBODY keeps jabbering about what a liar Jon is, and yet they believe every single thing he says. Lil stares at the camera with her cold, dead eyes, "Darrah was tryyyying to get riiiiid of meeee so at Triiiiibal Council it was a BLESSING it turned out the way it did!" It didn't "turn out" that way, Lil, YOU TRIED and SUCCEEDED in getting rid of Darrah. You furthered your own cause, you got closer to the million dollars, IT'S OKAY! Gah, I hate this woman.

FIRE ISLAND

Sandra goes to fetch the middle-of-the-night sea mail. I'm assuming some production staffer told her about it because they were all surprised to be getting mail at that hour. Sandra opens a box full of gold coins, smiles, and says softly to herself, "Treasure." She's got her eyes on the prize. The three set off at the crack of dawn for what they assume is their final Immunity Challenge, but instead it's the "Farewell to the Fallen" salute, where they all have to pretend they miss the people they voted out in order to be where they are in the game. Jeff explains they'll say goodbye as they place the torches of The Fallen onto the fake pirate ship they've used for challenges, and then shoot flares at it to ignite it and burn it to the ground. Naturally, Lil starts crying. Jeff makes a big point of not mentioning Big Whiny Osten's name when he notes, "One player QUIT the game, he didn't finish, he Quit and therefore his torch is NOT HERE. Oh I assure you we will NOT honor his name by burning his torch--his torch is in the closet of shame at Tribal council where it will remain FOREVER!" They don't ignore He Whose Torch Won't Be Burned On the Pirate Ship entirely--they actually show the torch laid down on the ground at Tribal Council and then insert footage of Osten drowning. Jeezo, he didn't kill anybody. But you know what? As these time-filler memory walk things go, it seemed pretty sincere. And burning the ship was kinda cool.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

I wasn't kidding
I really have lost int'rest
in writing haiku

The final immunity challenge has the survivors trying to remain balanced on a platform which is rolling on the choppy ocean. They can touch the platform with their hands and feet only. Jon starts bitching about the pain almost immediately, while Lillian revels in how dern't good she is. Sandra falls fairly quickly, prompting Jon to offer Lill a deal--she quits, he takes her in with him. Lill declares, "My daughter wants to be a doctor--don't talk to me." "Do you understand how deals WORK!?" Jon shouts, but Lill won't have it. She says if he wants her to trust him he should jump in and trust HER to take Him, and of course, Jon won't, which is fatal because it probably translates to her as him doubting her integrity. Jon continues to lobby her for two hours while she babbles on about how she does aerobics and her knees are great and she could do squats for hours and hours and she's right--Jon collapses and Lil wins the final immunity and the right to choose whom she's taking with her into the Final Two. Jon glares through a fog of pain and exhaustion as Jeff puts the Immunity Cutlass on her back. Sandra smiles serenely.

THE TWO FACES OF LILL

Back at camp, Somebody who is dressed like a Boy Scout Leader says, "I KNEW if someone else wooon it, I'd be goooone. This haaad nothing to do with scheming or strategy--this was for Lill and Lill only, and I wanted it for HER." I have two theories about this: One, this is the strongest of Lillian's alternate personalities speaking, the one who comes out when she has to endure difficult situations. The second is that this is not, nor has it ever been, Lillian Morris. This is some drifter named Salty who murdered the REAL Lillian Morris, but then became so overcome with guilt at killing such a fine woman, she decided to assume her identity and do good works, hence the Boy Scout thing. I think I'm on to something here. Sandra approaches Salty and reminds her that like Lill, she's just a hardworking woman trying to do the best she can for her husband and kids. "We're not going to discuss it," Lill snaps. Sandra muses, "If Lill were smart, she'd take Jon. I'll be shocked if I'm here tomorrow." But Lill isn't smart and she's obsessed with her self-delusion about being the bestest gal there ever was and being good and upright and true and above all else that she's ABOVE "Survivor." OTHER, lesser people might be playing only to win, but not Lillian Morris, no SIR. Elsewhere, an emasculated Jon says the Immunity Challenge was "the most hardcore thing I've ever done." He boasts about being the "king of men" by being the last man standing--whatever, dude. Both Jon and Sandra think they're toast while Lill sings "Amazing Grace" to remind America that she's STILL a Christian.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 2

The jury doesn't react strongly either way to see Lill with Immunity. Jeff asks Jon if anyone on the jury stands out to him as being particularly great and naturally he sucks up to his man-pal Burton and then to Rupert, in case the big man is still thinking seriously about snapping little Jonny's chicken neck. Sandra is much more subtle when Jeff asks her to recount the day's events: she spins the tale of Lill's unexpected victory in a charming "don't that beat all? who'd a-thunk it" way that inflates Lill's ego--who of course pretends she's surprised by her win but her modesty rings false. Jeff asks her about her difficult decision, and Lill is indeed worried about Jon's ability to wiggle his way out of certain doom, as well as Sandra's close friendships with many on the jury. Lill does the right thing though, she ousts creepy Jon as Sandra and America rejoice. In his exit speech, Jon reminds us of his Big Lie in order to draw out his fifteen minutes of fame to sixteen as "That guy on that show who lied about his grandma dying." He joins cantankerous Rudy, vain Keith, psycho Lex, Krazy Kathy, weepy Jan and crafty Rob as the 3rd place finisher.

Back at camp, Sandra tells Lill that she had her hands on her things when Jeff pulled out the vote card--she was that sure she was leaving. Lillian muses, "We are what they call the two sole survivors." By "they" I guess she means people who don't know what "sole" means. Again, Lill has to remind us that she has NO concept of how to play this wicked, evil game and then she hopes that she has more friends on the jury than Sandra does (this must be another personality named Pollyanna). Lill goes on to tell Sandra that she axed Jon because he was so confident in his ability to manipulate her, and that he talked endlessly about partying and women whereas Sandra shared the same family values at Lill, Salty, Pollyanna--you know, the whole gang. The ever delightful Sandra recounts how she was so certain she was going out last night that she was mentally rehearsing her blocking--where she should stand when Jeff snuffed her torch out so that she wouldn't look as shocked and stupid as others had before. Then we have to endure Lill looking out to the sea as her voice-over defensively insists, "Survivor is not for the feint of heart and for someone to sit back in their living room and judge any of the 16 people--especially ME--they don't realize how hard it is, it's not a camping trip." First of all, sitting back in my living room and judging Survivor contestants is pretty much my whole gig and secondly, you're MAYBE the only person left in America who still thought Survivor was about camping, Lil. And you sucked at that part too. Sandra is proud that no one ever cast a vote against her, which was one of her goals. She thinks she and Lill are equally deserving of the money and predicts a close vote. Hah! :D

Then we get the part where the jurors talk about their "power" and expectations heading into the vote. As I stated earlier, this group is FAR less bitter than juries past, and most of them seem genuinely concerned about the pressure of giving somebody a million bucks while denying it to the other rather than being obsessed with how they were screwed or wronged or whatever. Jon is the predictably pathetic exception, raving about how the two people who outplayed, outwitted and outlasted him are unworthy. Jon is also sporting a bizarre 'fro hairstyle and cheesy mustache and looks for all the world like an albino Doug Henning.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 3

The night begins with opening statements. Sandra takes the sane route and says simply that she was always a team player, always helped out, blah blah blah blah. It's hardly inspiring but it hardly matters because Salty is in command and decides to give a bizarre, accusatory lecture to the people whom she's ostensibly asking for a million dollars: "My goal in all this was to be Lillian Morris. Be kind to everyone--that's what Lillian IS. I worked constantly while everyone else was snoozing. Three different people told me they were going to take me to the end and then turned their backs on me because I was TOO nice. My strategy was to just BE Lillian Morris: and most of the times I WAS, and sometimes, like now, I was other people and I was more than a little terrifying."

After a very awkward pause, Jeff asks Rhino to begin the questioning and he wonders if Lil really deserves to win since, as an Outcast, she wasn't in the game as long as everyone else was. She sniffs, "Alright, I was, as you put it, out of the game for eight days, but being an Outcast was no picnic--it was reeeeallly hard, those were the worst days of my entire life!" Oy. Sandra insists that she didn't "ride coattails" in playing the game, and Rhino seems satisfied with her answer. I think that whole "coattail" concept is a bogus one, one that implys there's some superiority in being a backstabber or a physical competitor or whatnot, and that flying under the radar isn't a legitimate way to win. Sandra's right--she's still standing, so who are they--the fallen--to claim she didn't play a good enough game?

Rupert calls Lill out for lying to him, "I was a scout too, Lill. I know th' oath an' th' creed an' usin' the game as an excuse t' turn it off is crap. I think you lied t' me from the first day up to my last day and my question is: we're yah ever truthful t' me?" Lil snuffles, 'Everything was honest 'til Burton came to me and told me we were gonna get rid of yooou." "Answer the question!" Rupert bellows. Lil insists, "That one time, when we talked about our faaaamilies and working with youth? I was hooonest!" Rupert isn't impressed. He wants Sandra to tell him if she knew he was going to be voted out when he was. She answers honestly, "I was shocked. I voted for Jon that night because I was mad at him and I assumed my vote didn't matter--everyone was supposed to be voting out Darrah that night! But I did tell you from day one that Jon was a snake, and look what happened." Jon takes great delight in pretending he's still relevant in all this.

Tijuana asks the ol' standby, "Why doesn't the person deserve it?" Lil makes a big show of turning to Sandra and saying, "Forgive me!" Because, you know, Lillian Morris would NEVER say something bad about another person unless it was dragged out of her, gag me with an Immunity Cutlass. Sandra rolls her eyes and encourages her, "No, you HAVE to say something bad about me, now go ahead." The jury is charmed. Lil clears her throat, "Sandra has disrespected many people many times--I have an annotated journal back at camp that I made using leaves and sap to write on them with exact instances and times if anyone wants this information. I know many times she called me a, oh Lord, forgive me for this, but she called me an M.F.er, and all this stuff. I also felt that she DID ride coattails and too often asked to be told what to do and many times I thought to myselves, "Does she have a mind of her own and can she think for herself!?" Well, at least she never asked anything to be explained to her several times and really slowly, like YOU. Lill continues, "Sandra is also dishonest, shifty, lazy, has a drug problem, and I think she might have killed somebody--when was the last time anyone saw that one cameraman, Rex? And that's all I want to reluctantly say about Sandra's many, MANY personality flaws." Sandra says simply that every single person who is on the jury is there because Lill voted them out, whereas she wasn't responsible for voting out Rupert, Christa and Jon.

Christa joins in on ganging up on the self-righteous Lill, wanting her to explain, "Hey man, you were always saying "I'm sorry" all the time, man. You were all, "I'm sorry I won this reward, I'm sorry I voted for this person." Quit hiding behind fake apologies and that stupid scout oath you kept reciting and tell us what you really wanted to say, dude." Lill quakes with indignation, "I WAS sincerely sorry whenever I said I was sorry. This evil game made me follow an alliance I had so I didn't have any choice but to do Burton and Jon' bidding. I really was sorry to lie to Rupert. As for the Scout oath--that is Lillian Morris, that is 16 YEARS of VOLUNTEER service in UNIFORM!" Christa is unimpressed. She asks her pal Sandra to reveal her craziest scheme, and Sandra brings up the time she and Tijuana crawled through the bushes to eavesdrop on Burton and Jon, "That was when Tijuana's eyes were opened to what was really going on," Sandra says. I think this is where she loses her only vote because Tijuana probably remembers how Sandra convinced her to turn on Burton and Jon and then Sandra joined with Burton and Jon to oust HER. That's still gotta sting if you're Tijuana. Burton wants to know how they would rank themselves on a scale from 1-10 in regards to their survival skills. Sandra gives herself a 5 because she would be able to find fruits and nuts on a tropical island, but would soon starve to death because she wouldn't eat the hermit crabs and whatnot. The charmed jury laughs at Sandra's honesty. Then Lill puffs out her chest proudly, "I'd give Lillian Morris a 7. She can make fire, she can obtain water. These are the skills she learned as a scout." Wait...Lillian Morris is a Scout? What? How could we not know this by now? Aaaaagh, I hate her so.

Darrah asks for each woman to explain how they got to this point. Sandra shrugs, "Other people always had an agenda besides me, and I was always willing to go along with any plan that didn't involve voting me out." Lill babbles, "I was a non-threat, non-athletic and older...I was in a few alliances...I followed along and did as I was TOLD...I used my own head and the many voices inside it..." Jeff has to cut her off. Jon wonders about how well each woman did in their quest to represent a group larger than themselves--in Sandra's case, Puerto Ricans. She shrugs, "I did a good job. I didn't do anything no one else did--if I lied, everyone else lied. And you gotta look out for yourself because nobody else will." Then Lill once again has to defend her behavior as a Boy Scout and she snaps, "I wish I hadn't worn this uniform and represented the Scouts, because being a Boy Scout is about honor and integrity and Survivor is NONE of those things and it turned me into the SOB that voted out Rupert! BLAH!" I was going to say it was odd that she would refer to herself as a son of a bitch rather than just a bitch...but then I remembered that SHE is a BOY scout, so whatever. Lill is an SOB, fine. In their closing arguments, Sandra keeps it simple, "I played the game, and this is who I am. I was honest, I said it how it was. I'm surprised to be here, and I'm glad to be here. And yeah, I cussed people out sometimes because that's how I was feeling at the time. Thanks." Lill picks up her meltdown where she left off, "I should have left the Boy Scout Uniform at home. Salty kept saying we should but it's Really important to Lillian Morris and Pollyanna just wanted Lillian to be happy so...here we are. The uniform was an easy target. The Boy Scouts and Survivor? They don't come together. Whatever you say about me is BS. It's this way here it's not this way home. I tried to build friendships and they dissolved and I got hurt. This is ONE Night. It's a GAME. But I'm gonna be Big Lill to Troop 75 for the rest of my LIFE!!!" Ugh. T votes for her and that's it. Rupert is shown smiling to Sandra as he casts his vote, "I'm glad I had someone like you on my side, and I'm glad I can be here for you now--I hope you win." She does, with a 6-1 vote. A nation--and it's people living abroad in say, Japan ;) rejoice as Survivor crowns it's most unlikely and most likable winner ever while Lillian joins Kelly, Colby, Old Kim, Neleh, Clay and Matt as runner-up. Sandra follows Rich, Tina, Ethan, Vecepia, Brian and Jenna. She's easily the best winner we've had since Ethan, and I think it's a little more special because Ethan is so athletic and great-looking that you kinda expected him to win. Sandra is short and mouthy and seemed to me to be doomed to also-ran status. What a wonderful time I had this season watching her prove me wrong. I decided not to review the reunion because I didn't feel like it--Lill defends the Scout thing YET again, and no one's nearly as hard on Jon as they should be about the Great Grandma Lie. The End.