Yesterday's News AKA Survivor 7.14 Pearl Islands Finale Review

FINAL FOUR

When we last left our intrepid Survivors, the girls had FINALLY banded together to eject Burton from the tribe. The groggy Final Four: Darrah, Jon, Lil and Sandra, are awakened by the sound of an approaching speedboat. The very handsome Jeff Probst disembarks and strolls up the beach with a silver tray carrying champagne, orange juice and pastries...wait a minute...I...feel like I've had this dream before...*ahem.* Anyway. Jeff quips, "Jon and three women in bed--another first!" And of course Jon has to be all, "Uh, actually, not really, heh heh." As. if. Then again, I guess Jon's money spends as good as anyone else's. Then Lill has the nerve to give Jeff a big hug and gush, "God, I love this man so much--I wonder if he want to join a troop?" I think that's gonna be my new code phrase if I see a cute guy, "I wonder if he wants to join a troop?" You're not fooling anybody, Lill! Then Jeff goes to get something from the boat and Jon guesses that it's letters from home and of course Lill becomes unglued and starts crying, "Doooon't saaaaay th-th-thaaaaaat!" And then she hugs Jeff AGAIN! If there's a lower feeling than being jealous of Lill, I don't want to know about it.

Everyone reads their letters: Sandra is encouraged by her mother, husband and two children. Darrah is happy to hear that her dog is okay. Lord only knows who gives a rat's ass about Jon but someone wrote him a letter. And then there's Lill. Lill decides to read her letters aloud for the camera, wailing and sobbing and sputtering as her son quotes Pete Rose in order to encourage her--I guess that a creep like Pete Rose can still be inspiring to you if you're from Cincinnati. Jon glares hatefully and complains, "The theatrics, the sobbing--that's been her M.O. from the very beginning." And already, I know what feels lower than being jealous of Lill: agreeing with Jonny Fairplay. Man are we off to a rough start.

THE GIRL POWER GOES SOUR

Jon, Darrah and Lill are laying around camp and Jon, shit disturber extraordinaire, tries to get either woman to admit the girls have all agreed to go in as the Final Three. Neither answers, so Jon takes that as a yes. To the camera, he explains, "It's clear they've formed an bond because they all share inferiority complexes to that of a man." Zuh? A five-year-old would feel grammatically superior to Jon. Still, I do have to give him credit for the wedge he drops nice and neat in between Lill and Darrah. He snaps, "Lill, you're going to win and you KNOW it--all that hearts and flowers with the letter? That was just rehearsal for Tribal Council!" Lill thinks the jury will be more interested in skill and strategy than sympathy (she's right). Jon then plays on her insecurity, insisting that Darrah and Sandra are too smart to take her with them to the Final Two, prompting Darrah to drawl, "Ah ain' gittin' in the middle uh this, ya'll!" But it's too late. Lill asks Darrah if she has her vote and Darrah won't commit but she does opine, "If'n ah do tayk yuh, ahm gon' git mah butt kicked." Of course in Lil's childish and petty little mind this is a complete betrayal and she stalks off to sulk in the nearby hammock. When Darrah sighs, "Don' be mayd," Lil tearfully huffs, "I just need to be aloooone--I'm sorry if that makes me MEAN." UGH, I HATE HER!!!!! STILL!!!!! She whines, "I'm screwed because I'm soooo nice!" Well, that's what you've been selling for the last 37 days, Lil, I have no idea why you're so surprised everyone's bought it. If it's any consolation, I don't think you're nice AT ALL. Neither does Darrah, who's sick of Lil's tantrums and constant need for reassurance. She tells Jon, "Hayl, ah don' know if'n ahm even gon' BE here mah saylf!" Jon smiles wickedly and twirls his moustache, "You WILL if you, me and Sandra vote her the hell out of here." Darrah's all about that, so she goes off to lobby Sandra. Sandra is open to any plan that involves voting out anyone but her. So when Lil lobbies Sandra to vote Darrah out, Sandra's open to that too. Lill declares that they're all sunk so long as Darrah's around because she's going to keep winning immunity. Sandra laughs out loud, seemingly bemused that Lill is suddenly ACTUALLY taking some initiative in all this. They tell Jon that if Darrah loses immunity, she's toast and he's only too happy to agree. He's QUITE pleased with his "mastery" over the situation and the tension he was able to exploit in order to get himself off the chopping block (it was a good move--but let's face it: getting Lil to freak out is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel which, granted, would probably prove impossible for any member of the Morgan tribe). Sandra is ambivalent about the next Tribal Council, "As it stands, either Darrah or Lil is going tonight--I don' really give a damn as long as it isn't ME." I love Sandra.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

I'm looking forward
to writing lim'ricks again
they're a lot more fun

I'm just BURNT on the haiku, man. When it's not there it is SO not there. The survivors are told to proceed directly to Tribal Council, do not pass Challenge Beach, do not collect $200. The immunity test will somehow involve the jury. Jon isn't worried in the slightest: "I don't care. I'm the king of men and they're women. If it's a getting pregnant contest they probably win but mentally and physically, I can beat any of them." I know Jon's only doing his "wrestler villain persona" thing here to rile up the crowd, but someone really should tell him that Andrew Dice Clay wrung every last humorless drop out of the very very very shallow well known as "witless misogyny masquarading as comedy," back in 1990. Not to mention, Darrah's been kicking his ass these last three immunity games, so what the hell is he talking about? Ugh, he's a horrible little turd.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 1

At Tribal Council, Jeff reveals that they'll be quizzed on their knowledge of survival tools and pirate lore. The jury will be competing as a team against the individual survivors and if the jury wins, no one gets immunity. Jon actually comes closest to winning but the Jury winds up with the prize. Jon was the only one to "correctly" choose "don't go in the water" as the best way to avoid being attacked by a shark. Sure it's funny, but I thought that was a total F/U trick question and shouldn't have been asked. The jury wins immunity, leaving everyone up for grabs. Jeff asks Jon whether the jury's win will effect the vote and he says it won't: there are several possible targets tonight. He wisely lies and claims he's one of them. Then Jeff asks Lill about the letters from home they received and right on cue, she starts sobbing, "I've been pretty stroooong and I have not broke down. I've read those letters sooo many t-t-times and, next to God, they are do important to me." First of all, if the last few days are "Lill not breaking down," then I shuder to think what IS. Second, only Lil would feel the need to clarify that her deep regard for her letter from home has in no way usurped her devotion to the Lord. Can you imagine? If every time I said, "Gosh, I am SO loving Survivor right now," I added hastily, "But not as much as I love God, of course!" Again, I hate to be vibing with Jonny Fairplay but I gotta concur whole-heartedly with his disdainful eyeroll here. After Darrah and Sandra give generic answers to Jeff's questions about their game strategies, Lill whips out that classic Calling Card of Craziness: referring to oneself in the third person. She pouts indignantly, "I've been told that no one waaaants to take me into the Final Two. Well, these characteristics are Lillian Morris. I can't change them, that's what they are. I'm hard-working [here we go again], I'm a loyal friend and I don't like what this game has made me--I hate it!" Jeff frowns, "Don't disrespect the game, Lil."

Darrah pshaws the very idea that she's a physical threat, despite her previous three-game win-streak. Jon tells Jeff he's banking on his unlikablity to keep him in the game. At this point, Jeff wonders whether that might backfire because, "Someone like the noble and industrious Lillian Morris might decide that based on her integrity and faith in a righteous God, she can't allow for even the remote chance that an evil creep like Jon might win." Lil nods, "That sure does sound like Lillian Morris, all right." Jon shrugs, "Well, I haven't figured out how I'm gonna win over that jury yet," and everyone shares a good-natured laugh. One of the weird things about this cast is despite all their conflicts, I think they mostly like each other and one of the truly great things about the jurors is they're all HAVING FUN, rather than stewing in their bitterness like many of the past. Of course, that's all about to change since Darrah's about to be blindsided. In typical Lil double-talk, the Poutmaster begins with the compliment, "You're a real strong competitor," but then adds, "You said you wouldn't take me to the end after I saved you TWICE." UGH, you have freaking HATED Darrah since DAY ONE, just flipping OWN IT! AAAAAAGGGGHHH. And Darrah never said she WOULDN'T take you, she said she wasn't going to commit just yet and you did not "save" Darrah by deciding to backstab Rupert and Burton TO FURTHER YOUR OWN AGENDA you stupid, petty hypocrite. Guck. Darrah owns HER contempt of Lill, "Ahm tarred of hear'n y'all whine 'n say you won' win all theh votes whihn you know you wheel!" Darrah is ousted 3-1, and sums it up perfectly, "Well, that sucked." In the history of Survivor 4th place finishers, only season two's Elisabeth really saw it coming. She wasn't in the alliance of Tina, Colby and Keith and she knew immunity was her only hope. Every other 4th placer was a surprised member of a not-as-strong-as-they thought alliance: Stupid Soo was dumped by Hatch and Rudy when Kelly won immunity, Big Tom was cut loose by Lex, Kim and Ethan, Paschal was ousted in a rare (and random) tie-breaker, Helen was duped by Brian and Clay (and herself) and Butch was Mice-and-Menned by Rob, Jenna and Matt.

LILLIAN MORRIS SUCKS

Back at camp, Lil AGAIN has to justify voting out Darrah because of her ability to win immunities. YOU FREAKING HATED HER! ADMIT IT!!!! AGGGGGGH! Then she fishes, "Was I such a big target?" and Jon is all to happy to feed her persecution complex, "According to Darrah you were!" and then she sniffs, "Hmmmpf, I don't feel bad after all." YOU NEVER FELT BAD ABOUT IT >:0 OWN IT! ADMIT IT! ADMIT YOUR HUMANITY! ADMIT YOU'RE NOT ABOVE THIS GAME! Ugh, she's such a bitch. Oh, and I love how EVERBODY keeps jabbering about what a liar Jon is, and yet they believe every single thing he says. Lil stares at the camera with her cold, dead eyes, "Darrah was tryyyying to get riiiiid of meeee so at Triiiiibal Council it was a BLESSING it turned out the way it did!" It didn't "turn out" that way, Lil, YOU TRIED and SUCCEEDED in getting rid of Darrah. You furthered your own cause, you got closer to the million dollars, IT'S OKAY! Gah, I hate this woman.

FIRE ISLAND

Sandra goes to fetch the middle-of-the-night sea mail. I'm assuming some production staffer told her about it because they were all surprised to be getting mail at that hour. Sandra opens a box full of gold coins, smiles, and says softly to herself, "Treasure." She's got her eyes on the prize. The three set off at the crack of dawn for what they assume is their final Immunity Challenge, but instead it's the "Farewell to the Fallen" salute, where they all have to pretend they miss the people they voted out in order to be where they are in the game. Jeff explains they'll say goodbye as they place the torches of The Fallen onto the fake pirate ship they've used for challenges, and then shoot flares at it to ignite it and burn it to the ground. Naturally, Lil starts crying. Jeff makes a big point of not mentioning Big Whiny Osten's name when he notes, "One player QUIT the game, he didn't finish, he Quit and therefore his torch is NOT HERE. Oh I assure you we will NOT honor his name by burning his torch--his torch is in the closet of shame at Tribal council where it will remain FOREVER!" They don't ignore He Whose Torch Won't Be Burned On the Pirate Ship entirely--they actually show the torch laid down on the ground at Tribal Council and then insert footage of Osten drowning. Jeezo, he didn't kill anybody. But you know what? As these time-filler memory walk things go, it seemed pretty sincere. And burning the ship was kinda cool.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

I wasn't kidding
I really have lost int'rest
in writing haiku

The final immunity challenge has the survivors trying to remain balanced on a platform which is rolling on the choppy ocean. They can touch the platform with their hands and feet only. Jon starts bitching about the pain almost immediately, while Lillian revels in how dern't good she is. Sandra falls fairly quickly, prompting Jon to offer Lill a deal--she quits, he takes her in with him. Lill declares, "My daughter wants to be a doctor--don't talk to me." "Do you understand how deals WORK!?" Jon shouts, but Lill won't have it. She says if he wants her to trust him he should jump in and trust HER to take Him, and of course, Jon won't, which is fatal because it probably translates to her as him doubting her integrity. Jon continues to lobby her for two hours while she babbles on about how she does aerobics and her knees are great and she could do squats for hours and hours and she's right--Jon collapses and Lil wins the final immunity and the right to choose whom she's taking with her into the Final Two. Jon glares through a fog of pain and exhaustion as Jeff puts the Immunity Cutlass on her back. Sandra smiles serenely.

THE TWO FACES OF LILL

Back at camp, Somebody who is dressed like a Boy Scout Leader says, "I KNEW if someone else wooon it, I'd be goooone. This haaad nothing to do with scheming or strategy--this was for Lill and Lill only, and I wanted it for HER." I have two theories about this: One, this is the strongest of Lillian's alternate personalities speaking, the one who comes out when she has to endure difficult situations. The second is that this is not, nor has it ever been, Lillian Morris. This is some drifter named Salty who murdered the REAL Lillian Morris, but then became so overcome with guilt at killing such a fine woman, she decided to assume her identity and do good works, hence the Boy Scout thing. I think I'm on to something here. Sandra approaches Salty and reminds her that like Lill, she's just a hardworking woman trying to do the best she can for her husband and kids. "We're not going to discuss it," Lill snaps. Sandra muses, "If Lill were smart, she'd take Jon. I'll be shocked if I'm here tomorrow." But Lill isn't smart and she's obsessed with her self-delusion about being the bestest gal there ever was and being good and upright and true and above all else that she's ABOVE "Survivor." OTHER, lesser people might be playing only to win, but not Lillian Morris, no SIR. Elsewhere, an emasculated Jon says the Immunity Challenge was "the most hardcore thing I've ever done." He boasts about being the "king of men" by being the last man standing--whatever, dude. Both Jon and Sandra think they're toast while Lill sings "Amazing Grace" to remind America that she's STILL a Christian.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 2

The jury doesn't react strongly either way to see Lill with Immunity. Jeff asks Jon if anyone on the jury stands out to him as being particularly great and naturally he sucks up to his man-pal Burton and then to Rupert, in case the big man is still thinking seriously about snapping little Jonny's chicken neck. Sandra is much more subtle when Jeff asks her to recount the day's events: she spins the tale of Lill's unexpected victory in a charming "don't that beat all? who'd a-thunk it" way that inflates Lill's ego--who of course pretends she's surprised by her win but her modesty rings false. Jeff asks her about her difficult decision, and Lill is indeed worried about Jon's ability to wiggle his way out of certain doom, as well as Sandra's close friendships with many on the jury. Lill does the right thing though, she ousts creepy Jon as Sandra and America rejoice. In his exit speech, Jon reminds us of his Big Lie in order to draw out his fifteen minutes of fame to sixteen as "That guy on that show who lied about his grandma dying." He joins cantankerous Rudy, vain Keith, psycho Lex, Krazy Kathy, weepy Jan and crafty Rob as the 3rd place finisher.

Back at camp, Sandra tells Lill that she had her hands on her things when Jeff pulled out the vote card--she was that sure she was leaving. Lillian muses, "We are what they call the two sole survivors." By "they" I guess she means people who don't know what "sole" means. Again, Lill has to remind us that she has NO concept of how to play this wicked, evil game and then she hopes that she has more friends on the jury than Sandra does (this must be another personality named Pollyanna). Lill goes on to tell Sandra that she axed Jon because he was so confident in his ability to manipulate her, and that he talked endlessly about partying and women whereas Sandra shared the same family values at Lill, Salty, Pollyanna--you know, the whole gang. The ever delightful Sandra recounts how she was so certain she was going out last night that she was mentally rehearsing her blocking--where she should stand when Jeff snuffed her torch out so that she wouldn't look as shocked and stupid as others had before. Then we have to endure Lill looking out to the sea as her voice-over defensively insists, "Survivor is not for the feint of heart and for someone to sit back in their living room and judge any of the 16 people--especially ME--they don't realize how hard it is, it's not a camping trip." First of all, sitting back in my living room and judging Survivor contestants is pretty much my whole gig and secondly, you're MAYBE the only person left in America who still thought Survivor was about camping, Lil. And you sucked at that part too. Sandra is proud that no one ever cast a vote against her, which was one of her goals. She thinks she and Lill are equally deserving of the money and predicts a close vote. Hah! :D

Then we get the part where the jurors talk about their "power" and expectations heading into the vote. As I stated earlier, this group is FAR less bitter than juries past, and most of them seem genuinely concerned about the pressure of giving somebody a million bucks while denying it to the other rather than being obsessed with how they were screwed or wronged or whatever. Jon is the predictably pathetic exception, raving about how the two people who outplayed, outwitted and outlasted him are unworthy. Jon is also sporting a bizarre 'fro hairstyle and cheesy mustache and looks for all the world like an albino Doug Henning.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 3

The night begins with opening statements. Sandra takes the sane route and says simply that she was always a team player, always helped out, blah blah blah blah. It's hardly inspiring but it hardly matters because Salty is in command and decides to give a bizarre, accusatory lecture to the people whom she's ostensibly asking for a million dollars: "My goal in all this was to be Lillian Morris. Be kind to everyone--that's what Lillian IS. I worked constantly while everyone else was snoozing. Three different people told me they were going to take me to the end and then turned their backs on me because I was TOO nice. My strategy was to just BE Lillian Morris: and most of the times I WAS, and sometimes, like now, I was other people and I was more than a little terrifying."

After a very awkward pause, Jeff asks Rhino to begin the questioning and he wonders if Lil really deserves to win since, as an Outcast, she wasn't in the game as long as everyone else was. She sniffs, "Alright, I was, as you put it, out of the game for eight days, but being an Outcast was no picnic--it was reeeeallly hard, those were the worst days of my entire life!" Oy. Sandra insists that she didn't "ride coattails" in playing the game, and Rhino seems satisfied with her answer. I think that whole "coattail" concept is a bogus one, one that implys there's some superiority in being a backstabber or a physical competitor or whatnot, and that flying under the radar isn't a legitimate way to win. Sandra's right--she's still standing, so who are they--the fallen--to claim she didn't play a good enough game?

Rupert calls Lill out for lying to him, "I was a scout too, Lill. I know th' oath an' th' creed an' usin' the game as an excuse t' turn it off is crap. I think you lied t' me from the first day up to my last day and my question is: we're yah ever truthful t' me?" Lil snuffles, 'Everything was honest 'til Burton came to me and told me we were gonna get rid of yooou." "Answer the question!" Rupert bellows. Lil insists, "That one time, when we talked about our faaaamilies and working with youth? I was hooonest!" Rupert isn't impressed. He wants Sandra to tell him if she knew he was going to be voted out when he was. She answers honestly, "I was shocked. I voted for Jon that night because I was mad at him and I assumed my vote didn't matter--everyone was supposed to be voting out Darrah that night! But I did tell you from day one that Jon was a snake, and look what happened." Jon takes great delight in pretending he's still relevant in all this.

Tijuana asks the ol' standby, "Why doesn't the person deserve it?" Lil makes a big show of turning to Sandra and saying, "Forgive me!" Because, you know, Lillian Morris would NEVER say something bad about another person unless it was dragged out of her, gag me with an Immunity Cutlass. Sandra rolls her eyes and encourages her, "No, you HAVE to say something bad about me, now go ahead." The jury is charmed. Lil clears her throat, "Sandra has disrespected many people many times--I have an annotated journal back at camp that I made using leaves and sap to write on them with exact instances and times if anyone wants this information. I know many times she called me a, oh Lord, forgive me for this, but she called me an M.F.er, and all this stuff. I also felt that she DID ride coattails and too often asked to be told what to do and many times I thought to myselves, "Does she have a mind of her own and can she think for herself!?" Well, at least she never asked anything to be explained to her several times and really slowly, like YOU. Lill continues, "Sandra is also dishonest, shifty, lazy, has a drug problem, and I think she might have killed somebody--when was the last time anyone saw that one cameraman, Rex? And that's all I want to reluctantly say about Sandra's many, MANY personality flaws." Sandra says simply that every single person who is on the jury is there because Lill voted them out, whereas she wasn't responsible for voting out Rupert, Christa and Jon.

Christa joins in on ganging up on the self-righteous Lill, wanting her to explain, "Hey man, you were always saying "I'm sorry" all the time, man. You were all, "I'm sorry I won this reward, I'm sorry I voted for this person." Quit hiding behind fake apologies and that stupid scout oath you kept reciting and tell us what you really wanted to say, dude." Lill quakes with indignation, "I WAS sincerely sorry whenever I said I was sorry. This evil game made me follow an alliance I had so I didn't have any choice but to do Burton and Jon' bidding. I really was sorry to lie to Rupert. As for the Scout oath--that is Lillian Morris, that is 16 YEARS of VOLUNTEER service in UNIFORM!" Christa is unimpressed. She asks her pal Sandra to reveal her craziest scheme, and Sandra brings up the time she and Tijuana crawled through the bushes to eavesdrop on Burton and Jon, "That was when Tijuana's eyes were opened to what was really going on," Sandra says. I think this is where she loses her only vote because Tijuana probably remembers how Sandra convinced her to turn on Burton and Jon and then Sandra joined with Burton and Jon to oust HER. That's still gotta sting if you're Tijuana. Burton wants to know how they would rank themselves on a scale from 1-10 in regards to their survival skills. Sandra gives herself a 5 because she would be able to find fruits and nuts on a tropical island, but would soon starve to death because she wouldn't eat the hermit crabs and whatnot. The charmed jury laughs at Sandra's honesty. Then Lill puffs out her chest proudly, "I'd give Lillian Morris a 7. She can make fire, she can obtain water. These are the skills she learned as a scout." Wait...Lillian Morris is a Scout? What? How could we not know this by now? Aaaaagh, I hate her so.

Darrah asks for each woman to explain how they got to this point. Sandra shrugs, "Other people always had an agenda besides me, and I was always willing to go along with any plan that didn't involve voting me out." Lill babbles, "I was a non-threat, non-athletic and older...I was in a few alliances...I followed along and did as I was TOLD...I used my own head and the many voices inside it..." Jeff has to cut her off. Jon wonders about how well each woman did in their quest to represent a group larger than themselves--in Sandra's case, Puerto Ricans. She shrugs, "I did a good job. I didn't do anything no one else did--if I lied, everyone else lied. And you gotta look out for yourself because nobody else will." Then Lill once again has to defend her behavior as a Boy Scout and she snaps, "I wish I hadn't worn this uniform and represented the Scouts, because being a Boy Scout is about honor and integrity and Survivor is NONE of those things and it turned me into the SOB that voted out Rupert! BLAH!" I was going to say it was odd that she would refer to herself as a son of a bitch rather than just a bitch...but then I remembered that SHE is a BOY scout, so whatever. Lill is an SOB, fine. In their closing arguments, Sandra keeps it simple, "I played the game, and this is who I am. I was honest, I said it how it was. I'm surprised to be here, and I'm glad to be here. And yeah, I cussed people out sometimes because that's how I was feeling at the time. Thanks." Lill picks up her meltdown where she left off, "I should have left the Boy Scout Uniform at home. Salty kept saying we should but it's Really important to Lillian Morris and Pollyanna just wanted Lillian to be happy so...here we are. The uniform was an easy target. The Boy Scouts and Survivor? They don't come together. Whatever you say about me is BS. It's this way here it's not this way home. I tried to build friendships and they dissolved and I got hurt. This is ONE Night. It's a GAME. But I'm gonna be Big Lill to Troop 75 for the rest of my LIFE!!!" Ugh. T votes for her and that's it. Rupert is shown smiling to Sandra as he casts his vote, "I'm glad I had someone like you on my side, and I'm glad I can be here for you now--I hope you win." She does, with a 6-1 vote. A nation--and it's people living abroad in say, Japan ;) rejoice as Survivor crowns it's most unlikely and most likable winner ever while Lillian joins Kelly, Colby, Old Kim, Neleh, Clay and Matt as runner-up. Sandra follows Rich, Tina, Ethan, Vecepia, Brian and Jenna. She's easily the best winner we've had since Ethan, and I think it's a little more special because Ethan is so athletic and great-looking that you kinda expected him to win. Sandra is short and mouthy and seemed to me to be doomed to also-ran status. What a wonderful time I had this season watching her prove me wrong. I decided not to review the reunion because I didn't feel like it--Lill defends the Scout thing YET again, and no one's nearly as hard on Jon as they should be about the Great Grandma Lie. The End.