Survivor 8.1 "The more I know, the less I understand..."

"...all the things I thought I'd figured out, I have to learn again..." Thank you Don Henley, for those appropriate words. I almost don't know what to say about the All Stars! It's so crazy and different from all other seasons. As was said over and over in this initial installment: Everyone's done this before. They know what to expect, they know how their teammates and competitors played the game last time, they know how much worse they're going to feel as the days wear on. And many of them know one other from the Survivor lecture/party circuit! And no, I didn't make that up! As for saying I was gonna have this done before the next show aired--I wanted to give you the full Survivor experience and LIE to you so you'd feel BETRAYED! :p

The three all-star tribes are escorted to their respective beaches by Panamanian military escort, because the "war on drugs" is JUST not as important as the sanctity and secrecy of the Survivor franchise. No one knows who's going to be in the game besides the five other people on their tribe--in fact, they don't know how many tribes there are. They also don't realize that they will each only receive one canteen per person, and then a machete, a cooking pot and a map to their water well and that's it. They won't be given any fire or food help whatsoever. There's an absolutely kick ass scene where Jeff is standing on the side of a helicopter as he tells us all this and then it peels away dramatically, just so fun! 39 Days! 18 All Stars! 2 Rob's! 2 Jenna's! And Only 1 Survivor! :D :D :D :D :D

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

The Three Tribes thing is no doubt an homage to Hanna Barbara's famed Laff-A-Lympics of the late 1970s, so one of the tribe's is named for the "Yogi Yahooheys." The Yogi's consist of 75 year-old former Navy Seal, Rudy and Jenna from season one, Tina and Evil Jerri from season Two, Ethan from season 3 and dear Rupert from last month. The Leggo my Eggo tribe consists of Evil Richard Hatch from season one, Colby from 2, Lex from 3, Kath from 4, Shii Ann from 5 and Jenna from 6--how balanced! FYI I misspell Sue's name as Soo because I don't think she ever spelled anyone's name right, ever. Finally, we have the Shakira tribe, Stoopid Soo from season one, Alicia and Amber from season 2, Big Tom from season 3, Boston Rob from season 4 and Rob C. from season 6. TO keep the Rob's separate, I'm going to exclusively call Boston Rob Chachi, and call Amazon Rob, Rob. Okay? I will NEVER call Boston Rob, Rob. To separate the Jenna's, The Jenna who won Survivor Amazon is Rich Jenna, whereas the Jenna that's rather bitter about not winning Survivor Borneo, and also tended to whine and cry a lot her first time around is Poor Jenna. With that out of the way...

ACCENTUATE THE NEGATIVE

At Shakira, it's just one big mess of big ego's and bad accents. Rob, the ultimate Survivor geek, is excited to be playing again. big Tom says, "Ahm for tate ah got youngs thar age buh ahm her fer drayshun this ain' uh lil boys game this uh big boys game." Chachi reminds us, "Dis is so cutthroat. No one trusts nobody, NOBODY TRUSTS NOBODY d'ya understand!?" Yes Chachi, you're the idiot, not us. Buff and bad Alicia says, "We know each other--we know who we need to be careful of and who NOT to be careful of, and of course by that I mean Amber. What the hell is SHE doing here? Anyway, everyone knows that it's pretty easy to piss me off and that might be my undoing because I will ALWAYS wave my finger in someone's face!!" The gang finds their water well but as Chachi tells us, "Yuh gonna get all kinds uh diseases if yuh drink it." He gets to work on the shelter right away--a far cry from his lazy ass stint in the Marquesas, where he and Sean sat around making fun of Hunter for being, you know, useful. Maybe he's learned--or maybe he's JUST crafty enough to realize with 6 instead of 8 tribe members, slacking off is going to be a helluva lot more obvious. The tribe clashes immediately on how and where the shelter can be built and Soo instantly starts cussing and bellyaching, "I'm the first one oat--because I'm soh oatspoken." "Outspoken" is one of those Survivor euphemisms for being obnoxious like "leadership". Chachi laments, "I didn't know I'd be on duh buffoon tribe again, but apparently, I'm duh brains uh dis operation." Yeah weird how that just keeps happening to you, you being on the stupidest tribe. Well, at least this way you don't have to vote out any gorgeous hard-working, smart survival experts like you did last time!

At Camp Yogi, Ethan is pretty happy with his team make-up, as is fellow winner Tina, who drawls, "Ahm here because this game is part of mah life experience--it's part of mah being. Whin ah kick the bucket, ahm goin' out with a casket full o' life experience!" It's the most morbid Survivor EVER! Rupert is painfully aware that everyone knows each other better than he does, so he's opted to lay low, "I'm gon' be the worker bee an' let all these egos get in each other's way. It's a new strategy for a new game." Just don't be too boring, Rupert. Poor Jenna is thrilled with the team, "Rudy is the perfect ally, Rupert and Jerri are totally in my league [all three were 8th place finishers] and Ethan and Tina? They're DONE. It'll be totally easy to convince the others to vote the winners." Evil Jerri smiles that hateful tight fake smile of hers, "I did get put on a tribe with a woman who doesn't like me very much--Tina. She didn't like me in Australia and I don't think she likes me now. Which is strange since I've yet to frame anybody for smuggling food...but my new strategy is to keep my damn mouth shut for a change!" America checks it's watch and places bets on how long that will last--and how long SHE will last without an army of stooges doing her bidding. She also warns of the water being full of coma-causing brain parasites as we cut to Rudy drinking it. He shrugs, "I drunk dirty water all over der world in Viet Nam an' Russia--I drank dir'ier water 'n dat." Rudy kinda sounds like a blue-collar Lawrence Welk.

PARANOIA MAY DESTROYA YA

The Eggos have to endure Hatch's pontificating right away as he blathers on about the ideal place for their shelter and why his way is the best way, blah blah bleh. The man loves the sound of his own voice ALMOST as much as he enjoys the sight of his own wiener. He is quickly nude, of course. He does this to make everyone uncomfortable and everyone gives him a pass because having an objection would be prudish or something. He's not some "free spirit" nudist who wants to be natural. He's a sociopath who enjoys the pain and discomfort of others, and that's not hyperbole. If he ever displays the slightest empathy for another person I'll eat a hat. Lex--who I think has doubled the amount of tattoos on his body since Africa--reveals, "I'd be lying to you if I told you that a day went by that I didn't think about THE GAME and what I could have done different and who I should have killed and the possibility of coming back someday!" Rich Jenna chuckles, "We're all, like, such morons for coming back--we must really have issues." We're counting on it. Kath, Shii Ann and Rich Jenna fear that the boys have already united in a boy power thing, and as they discuss this, the boys suspect a girl power thing is going on. Hatch sniffs, "Everyone's paranoid. I suppose I should be too but that would imply that I'm not superior to them." Hatch tells Kath that he heard the girls plotting and Lex circles the tribe together and sanely (!?!) suggests that everyone concentrate on the shelter and winning challenges for now and worry about alliances later. Colby (looking better than ever, I might add) declares he doesn't trust any of them "sons of guns." Later, Shii Ann and Rich Jenna ask for advice for finding some flint to start a fire but he scares them off with his penis.

THERE'S A REASON I CALL HER STOOPID SOO

At Shakira, no one can start a fire, so nobody can boil any water, so everyone's sad. Soo refuses to help TRY, braying from the sidelines, "I've soah been where you are right now--I killed myself for two days in Borneo, I couldn't do it. I can't do fire." Chachi frowns, "Dere's dat positive attitude we're lookin fuh!" Big Tom is equally unimpressed, "So fer Soo hain't hepped wih t' fayr she says sh' cou't do ih t' layst tahm wulh this t'ain't th' layst tahm this is this tahm!" Big Tom makes a lot of sense. Then Soo goes and drinks the contaminated well water because she doesn't want to get dehydrated, "I live in Canada for six years and I drank it right oat oh the lake--I drank enough beaver poop in my life tuh handle what's growin' in dere, eh?" Go Brain Parasites, GO!!!

The Yogi's can't start a fire, so they can't boil water, and everyone's sad. Jerri realizes, "No one's coming to save us." In Australia, her Bear Monday tribe lost all their food and matches because they stupidly (and at her insistence) built their shelter on a "dry" riverbed that swelled with rain and swept their camp away. Jeff did provide them with rations in exchange for Colby's Texas state flag which had become the roof of their shelter. This season, fellow millionaires Ethan and Tina have paired up, as have the p.y.t.'s of the tribe, Poor Jenna and Evil Jerri. This prompts Rudy to approach Rupert to form an alliance, and they shake on it. Rudy reminds Rupert that he's a man of his word. So much so, he handed Hatch the game even after Rich stabbed him in the back and took Kelly with him to the Final Two. I maintain that that was more stupid than honorable, but then Rudy didn't have much use for Kelly either.

The next morning, Shakira awakens--except for Chachi and Amber who didn't sleep. They want to rebuild the shelter, while Alicia thinks everyone should work on the fire. Why they need six people to focus on starting a fire? Who knows but Alicia is very put out at what she considers Chachi and Amber's crybabyness, "We got six people with no water, and two people--Prince Chachi and Princess Bambi--who can't sleep because they can feel the frick'n pea under fifty mattresses or whatever!" Amber squeaks, "In all fairness, it's the sand and bugs we can feel and it's under No mattresses." Big Tom is bemused my anyone's objections to squalor or hardship, "Ah nevuh heard suh much crybayby-teethsuckin' in all muh Layf--they gown hafe tuh toffen up some, ya hear?" Chachi is miffed by Alicia's mocking bossiness, "She's a drama queen," he confides to us, "Yuh want the facts? Come tuh Mariano. She's a drama queen." Alicia thinks Chachi is just as bossy, ranting, "Who made Rob the master of the camp and Amber his little "in-pocket" girl!? When did THAT happen!?" As obvious as their "we're so pretty, let's be friends" coalition is to the rest of their tribe, Chachi still feels the need to get Amber to commit to a "secret pact" which they vow to keep secret from the others. Chachi confides, "Me'n Ambuh have an alliance fer a'vious reasons. She's hot--any idiot kin see dat. I'll keep my word tuh her an' I don't think she's gonna screw me eithuh." Yeah, NO ONE thinks Amber's gonna, er...screw you, Chachi. Alicia's "in-pocket girl" comment is probably a direct reference to Chachi's game-plan in the Marquesas, when he claimed that the buxom and brainless Sarah was his "Ace in the Hole" and essentially a second vote--she'd do whatever he told her to. In Australia, Amber was Jerri's flunky and once Jerri was ousted, Amber never made any effort to form her own strategy. Hopefully she's learned a little. Chachi hasn't, if this is any indication. His bond with Amber is such a predictable one--the smartest thing he did in the Marquesas was make an unlikely pact with the older and kooky Kath. You want the facts? Come to Seghers.

Back at Leggo my Eggo, they can't start a fire, so they can't boil water, so everyone is sad. Except for Richard Hatch, who is playing the same bizarre game that his former alliance-mate Soo is: Be obnoxious and unhelpful at every turn. I really think that being from season 1's Final four gives them some sort of celebrity status amongst those that came after--and do a degree I think that's true. Behavior that would have been loathsome from a stranger is treated with almost affectionate indulgence. Hatch is of course completely enamored with himself and loves talking to the camera about how HE could start a fire--if, you know, he WANTED to--puhleeze. What does this get him? In season One, he used the provider role to cement his place in the tribe--he caught fish. Here, he mocks the others for being "so skinny," as though his excess bodyfat is going to win him the game. First of all, it's not logical to want your team to be struggling, physically, at this stage of the game where you need them to be winning competitions. Secondly, Hatch is the only hefty person to ever win Survivor. Tina, Ethan, Vecepia, Brian and Jenna were all VERY skinny as people go and Sandra, while stout, was a tiny little thing. But here he's claiming that, unlike mere mortals, he's "not even hungry." I really don't think it's an act with Richard--I really don't think he has any real empathy for other people and I truly feel horrible for that poor boy he adopted and abuses or that boyfriend he threw down a flight of stairs. Hatch is just an odious excuse for a human being. And now he's decided not to try to play the game this time so that when he's voted off he can say just that, "I didn't even try, I knew the others would be so intimidated by me that they'd never give me chance, blah blah blah, me, me, me." Shii Ann agrees, stating, "Rich is obnoxious. He's going out of his way not to work and I think that's part of his strategy. he wants to stick out and be shocking and make everyone else thing that he doesn't care what happens." She dishes about Hatch with Lex and Rich Jenna (who's keeping a wisely-low profile so far) and they laugh about his lazy arrogance. Shii Ann shrugs sarcastically, "He's the KING!" and Lex is quick to remind her, "He was king when he was playing with a bunch of sheep--this is a WHOLE different game." If Lex helps get rid of Richard Hatch, I promise I will state that Lex is really FREAKING COOL without a hint of sarcasm. Even though he has a tattoo of an eightball with a knife through it. Shii Ann tries to pick Hatch's brain about his strategy and wonders if his separating himself from the others his plan and he gives a non-sensical answer about how he's showing them that he doesn't care about their plotting against him. Uh...it's STILL a numbers game, Hatch. And you're making it very easy to get rid of you.

Back at Shakira, Rob arrives back with the first Tree mail, which includes a diving mask, which he declares is bad news. Chachi argues, "Whaddaya mean, dat's good!" I think maybe he thought it was a Brita or something. Shakira circles up to read the poem but Stoopid Soo is laying like a beached whale and can't be bothered to join them, "Just read it louder!" she barks. Chachi does the honors and when the poem speaks of team unity he humorously repeats the word slowly for her benefit, "UN-I-TY." I gotta give props to Chachi on that one. Not so much to Rob for wondering if the "man of flame" referenced in the poem is Richard Hatch. Rob, you're trying to hard.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

It's time to find out who is here
and there's possibly people you fear
by now you all know
that someone will go
everytime your team brings up the rear

The tribes finally get a look at one another. Hatch decides his first moment of "team pride" will be used to taunt Shakira as a bunch of also-ran losers. Soo seems unthrilled to see him--hey, you voted for him, dumb-ass. Alicia picks up on the Eggo's vibe and shoots back, "His team looks likes they love him ALREADY." When the Yogi's arrive, Rupert is hailed as a celebrity among celebrities. Everyone admits that they have no fire and therefore, Jeff states, their water is useless. "Weeeell," Rob begins and Soo finishes, 'I drank it." Jeff asks Rudy if this is wise and he says "Yeah" and everyone laughs. Jeff implies that Rudy said this because Soo is on the other team and Rudy agrees, even though he said it because he's drinking it too--man of honor my ass! Seriously though, I don't think Rudy's always really listening to what other people say. What's fun about all the interplay between tribes is that these people are all fans of Survivor--and fans of each other. Jeff explains that the Immunity idol is made of two-pieces, a person and a fish. The first and second place tribes get immunity, the last place tribe goes to Tribal Council. Then they take place in one of those classic, bone-smashing, soul-crushing Survivor challenges. They start on a floating platform, they all have to swim to shore while pushing a torch-raft and lighting fires along the way and unhooking stuff under water and then when they get to shore they have to push the torch raft under a wood frame and then they have to pick it up and run it for a while. Shakira--the only tribe with no previous winner--wins easily. The race for second is much closer and the Eggos nudge out the Yogi's :(

Shakira is on a high from their dominating display, especially since they are, in Chachi's words, "duh biggest bunch ah misfits--duh ultimate unduhdahgs." Ironically, he is wearing a Boston Red Sox hat as he says this. But then it's back to reality--they still have no fire.

The Yogi's are meanwhile having to face the sad reality of voting somebody out. Jenna lobbies Jerri and a reluctant Rupert to vote out the winners first. "It's gonna feel good," Jerri declares, "Because they don't know what it feels like." Jenna is surprised at how unenthused Rupert is, and wonders privately if he's playing another angle. Ethan tries to get Jenna to see how unfair it is to target the winners, "You'd be stupid not to want to go into the Finals with a millionaire," he reasons. He's taken aback by Jenna's vehemence at wanting the winners out first (fyi, Ethan and Jenna have done ECO-Challenge together, an intense adventure race that Burnett started before Survivor). On the one hand, Ethan has a point, but on the other--someone has to go first, and in a team made up of all-stars, where there are no real misfits, being a millionaire is as good a reason as any to "not fit in." Tina and Ethan scramble to pull Rupert in to oust Jenna (who DID perform pretty badly at the challenge, if you ask me--oh wait, you never ask, I just tell you). Ethan reminds Rupert, "You saw Jenna and Jerri--how they played last time. They don't play the way you do. I kept my promises in Africa." Rupert smiles, "I know, and I like that." Now, I love Ethan. He's obviously great-looking and beyond that I think he's kind and fair and moral. But I have to interject on two points. One, Jenna didn't really play an unethical game the first time around. She and her Pagong tribemates played an astoundingly stupid game but I don't think Jenna did much lying or backstabbing. She did whine and cry a lot about how much she missed her kids, and she did vote out Ramona after Ramona called her her "first white friend," but she was never in a position of power. Ethan, on the other hand, was in a strong alliance from the start. His position was never really threatened so he never had to lie about his allegiances. And he DID lie to Silas--which is fine, I'm all for lying to bad people. I'm just saying that what Tina and Ethan are feeling is the SAME feeling of frustration and powerlessness that people like T-Bird, Alicia, Rodger, Elisabeth and Lil Kim faced in the game because of Tina and Ethan. That's all.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Tribal Council is in a kick-ass Tree House--how awesome is that? It's pouring rain and the Survivors are catching the water in their hand and clothes and ringing in into their thirsty mouths. Jeff asks Jerri, "What's it like compared to the last Survivor you were in. She smiles tightly, "It's total hell--and I should know, I'm from there." Rupert and Rudy remind everyone why they're so endearing (Rudy is a lot more likable when there aren't any "queers" around for him to be incessantly phobic about) and Ethan is quite bitter when he acknowledges that for the others, dumping the winners is "payback time--you won before, you had your chance." Even the unflappable (and yes, everyone, distressingly gaunt) Jeff Probst is taken aback by Jenna's insistence that all the past winners need to be taken out of the game and that she would NEVER vote for any of them to win the million dollars a second time, "It's a MILLION DOLLARS. It's real easy for the people who've won it already to come back here and say they're here just for the competition!" Ethan and Tina want to throttle her. Tina tells Jeff she doesn't think it's fair, "But all of us winners knew what we'd be facing when we came back." Rupert and Rudy both feel that they would give a past winner a chance in the end, if they felt they were the best player left. Ethan makes the analogy that some teams make it to the playoffs again and again, and win back-to-back-championships: would it be fair to prohibit those teams from playing again, just to give other teams a chance?

It's a good argument but Survivor has never been about "fair." It's not a game where the so-called "best player" automatically wins. It's a game of chance, politics, survival, skill and fate. With no slacker or troublemaker to boot, getting rid of Tina makes as much sense as anybody else and she's ousted 4-2. She and Ethan cast their votes at Jenna, whom Ethan warns, "That mouth just keeps on going on going. Be careful, or it might bite you on that big ol' butt of yours." C'mon, Ethan. Suck it up, bad sportsmanship doesn't suit you :( To add insult to injury, Jeff doesn't let them return to camp with fire--they have to make it themselves. In her farewell, Tina laments being first off, and not having an equal playing field, but she knew it was going to be tough when she signed on. Considering all the major twists we've been promised, I wouldn't be so sure we've seen the last of Tina, I'm just sayin'. Since we have 18 instead of 16, and this is such a different animal than a regular Survivor, I have decided not to even try to compare it to those previous--comparing Tina to the likes of Deb and Diane and Peter (who? exactly!) just ain't right.

"Let the Games Begin!" Tina Wesson, 2001

Peace! :D