Survivor 8.4 :D Good thing I'm not being paid to do this...

Because I'd be so fired. Late again, sorry. It's been a weird week. Seems to me we aren't getting the kind of bizarre reality television conflict and color from the All Stars because the All Stars aren't just your everyday nutjobs trying to win a million dollars. The All Stars see themselves as public figures, of a sort, and are therefore behaving themselves a little too much. Hopefully, things will break down soon. Until then, it looks like more weeks ahead of not a lot happening. Unless you're REALLY into weather...

RAINY DAYS AND CRAP-ASS SHELTERS ALWAYS BRING ME DOWN

So, it's rainy season in Panama, I don't know if you all were aware of that--oh WAIT. They tells us every episode. At Shakira, the gang huddles together in the House That Chachi Built. Amber raves, "Well, we constructed a FANTASTIC shelter--we even used the PARACHUTE that the box came with! Can you imagine? I'll bet other tribes would have thrown it away but not us. The rain really pounded us but Boston Rob was so magnificent in his construction work that we were like, totally fine. Just like him." Chachi agrees, "Duh sheltuh I built was good." That night, he and Amber get into what Big Tom dubs "uh ruhmanic mood." They snuggle close and Amber coos, "Oh, you're SO WARM!" And it's astounding that he doesn't shoot back, "Ahm red hot fuh you, babe," or some such. They're not even remotely alone of course, and the rest of the tribe gets a free peep show. Rob C. predicts, "Boston Rob and Amber are gonna do it." You don't need a Magic-8 Ball to know that sources point to yes on that one.

The Yogi's aren't faring very well at all, thanks to the fact that Rupert bullied his tribe into digging a hole in the sand that Jerri, Raffa, me and the Bible all predicted would turn into a disaster and it has. Ethan, Rupert, Jerri and Poor Jenna shudder and quake in the rain without any protection. Rupert admits, "Our beach is destroyed. Diggin' intuh the sand was the dumbest mistake ah ever made an' we paid for it. We are homeless." A despondent Jerri cries, "We've been shivering in the rain for 5 or 6 hours because Rupert's stupid-ass shelter filled-up with water because no one would listen to me! It's not worth it!" The next morning, Ethan dubs that the worst night of his life, next to the night his father died. He also adds, "Some people--and by that you all know I mean whiny Jenna--thought that CBS would rescue us. But it's CBS! They are completely evil. Also, this is Survivor. It's nobody's fault that we built a crappy-ass shelter, except Rupert's." The Yogi's work to build a new shelter out of the wreckage that covers Lake Rupert while a lifeless Jerri shivers in a cave, refusing to eat or drink. "I don't know what the others are doing and I don't care," Zombie Jerri snuffles.

The Eggos seem to have done fine. Yeah, their fire was doused but Lex and Kath quickly get it going again by using some straw from the Home Depot box. At Lex's suggestion, Kath puts some on her head as a fake wig and mugs, "Take me to the Casbah." When Kath isn't being painfully inappropriate, she is so gosh-darned delightful. Hatch goes out and kills three big eels. When he rises naked out of the water to display his catch, Lex wonders about Rich's wee wee, "What about the one in the middle, is that your bait?" And then Kath chirps, "Hey yeah, that's your bait box." I think that's gonna be my new euphemism for the male groin area. You know, a guy's playing baseball and the ball catches him unawares, "Oooh, right in the bait box." The Eggo's gush about Hatch's latest haul. Rich smirks, "Everyone is just ALL over me when I feed them--it's just SO crazy. The rest of the time, I do absolutely nothing--it's great!" He really just NEEDS to believe he's getting away with something, when in fact he IS doing work, and it makes perfect sense for the non-fishers in the tribe to do the other chores while he gathers food. Lex claims that once they get that elusive third key to the rice box, they will all be gleefully less dependent on Rich's fish. I want to believe.

REWARD CHALLENGE
Everyone gets tree mail about the challenge, which says something about getting to know people in a game of "give and take." Lex incorrectly decides, "Must be a puzzle of some sort," and Colby nods in agreement. Kath buys the puzzle interpretation as well and says to Shii Ann, "A puzzle--this may be yours to win." I HOPE this is because Shii Ann has expressed interest in puzzles, and not just because she's Asian and therefore "good with puzzles and math." Rob makes up a very funny poem to read to Shakira, "We've played the game with kisses and hugs, now it's time to see if you can eat bugs." Soo brays, "Ah'll eat ah paht uh anythin' they put 'n front o' me!" Rob hastens to tell her he's joking but she goes on, "Ah lived in Canada ya know, they eat bugs up there all the tiiiiiiime." I think in Hell, you have to listen to Soo read your favorite books out loud.

Jeff greets everyone at the Reward Beach. He's still looking fine on the show, but as several of you have noticed, he's not looking so good on the interview circuit. He seems very gaunt and sickly and I would like to take him out for a cheeseburger--for his own benefit, of course. Jeff asks how everyone is doing and Shakira says they're great while the Yogi's cop to "getting wet" while avoiding the details of their near-death storm experience. Lex tries to demoralize the other tribes by gloating about how well they've been eating, what with Hatch fattening them up for the slaughter, which prompts Soo to taunt, "Ah hohp it's better'n that eel you gave me cause that was ahl bohne." I wish Hatch had shot back with, "Thanks for giving me the million dollars instead of Kelly," but he instead jokes that of course he gave HER bony eel because it was HER, which unfortunately leads her to try to make a sex joke, "That's the only bohne ya'd give ME." Hatch gets all dramatic and swishy about how much he agrees with THAT, thank you very much. Then, mercifully, Jeff starts the game.

The challenge is for a toilet seat for their dung hole, a shower-like contraption and an array of personal hygiene products like Scope mouthwash and Crest toothpaste and boy, was I an idiot when I said they'd backed off the product whoring, or what? The game is the old "Go Fish" game, where everyone has a box of items, everyone tries to match the items in their box with those in everyone else's. We saw it the Amazon where there was much flirting--here most of that is done by Richard Hatch, who delights in sexually harassing the straight guys. Chachi starts off by trying to zing Ethan, "Ay, Pretty boy, ya got a stone in dere? Oh, 'e looked right at me, it must be Zohn." Ethan flashes his million-dollar-winning smile and replies, "Sorry my friend, I don't." In your FACE, ugly boy! Then Ethan chastises Jenna for leaving her box open for all to see. Then "Puzzle Master" Shii Ann asks Alicia for an item Alicia had already given away--I like Shii Ann, I do, but she's never actually done anything smart in Survivor ever. Then Chachi pulls a page from Weird Greg's playbook and tries to distract Hatch by flirting with him and shaking his tailfeather a little while he asks for Hatch's items--that may come back to haunt him at the ol' South Boston construction site, I'm just saying. Shakira wins the final key to the rice box while the Yogi's take second and pull even with the Eggo's in the quest for same. Lex frowns as he realizes that they'll still need use of Hatch's bait box.

IF I WAS A KEY TO THE FINAL LOCK ON THE RICE BOX....WHERE WOULD I BE?

Shakira hikes back to camp and I'm quite certain that no one in America was surprised to see Big Tom wearing the New John over his head. During the group worsh, Chachi and Amber lather all sorts of things all over one another in front of everyone else. Chachi shrugs, "We taht it migh' be a bad idea tuh bathe each othuh on account uh we got dat secret alliance but...what duh hell." Remarkably, we do not hear Rob C.'s observations about half-naked Amber. Soo does not take part in the team bath, and I actually respect that.

After the bath, Shakira devotes it's energy to finding the last key to the rice box. The clue tells them it's buried 10 paces behind their treemail box, which proves to be troubling. Big Tom reasons, 'Wuhl whus a piyce? How fahr? Mah piyce is longer'n a midgets piyce ah reckon." While Chachi toils in the dirt behind the mailbox, Rob decides the key must be in the sand and begins digging apart the beach--or maybe he's just decided to build a log cabin. Everyone frowns at Rob's idiocy and Chachi declares, "Duh kid's livin' in La La Land." Rob insists, "This is my chance to be the hero and I've never been the hero before," so of course right on cue, it's Chachi who finds the key. In addition to rice, there's also some whiskey, but no one gets drunk and interesting, which is a bummer. The Shakira's bask in the glory of being THE BEST TRIBE EVER. Tom says, "With gais in th' taynk, we're gon be unstoppamable." Alicia gloats, "We're so far ahead of the other tribes now. God Himself cannot sink this Tribe, ya know?" Do ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WATCH THE SHOW?

THE RISE OF THE YOGI'S

In contrast to the night of terrible storm, the Yogi's are now thriving. The new, competently-built shelter has afforded them some much needed sleep and now they're all working together and it's just so peachy and boring. Jerri fixes the roof! Jenna fetches some water! Rupert catches yet another fish! America flips through a nearby magazine! A refreshed Jerri informs us, "I'm better now--I about lost it the other night. I was very close to going mad and becoming interesting and controversial again and it was quite scary but I'm back to being my sane, helpful, not-evil self and it's driving you insane, isn't it?" *fist shaking* You've won THIS round, Not Evil Jerri, but I'm watching...always watching...

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

If you wanna remain in this contest
ya gotta do puzzles the bestest
It doesn't make sense
to put Rob on the bench
When Shakira ain't exactly a brainfest

This challenge is the one where each team has a caller who acts as the team's eyes and directs the blindfolded tribemembers to various puzzle pieces. Shakira sits out Amber and Rob while the Eggo's sit out "Puzzle Master" Shii Ann. We've SEEN Jeff ask the tribes who's sitting out--it seems to be a game-time decision, so why Rob and Shii Ann are on the sidelines is beyond me. Also, we never get to hear what goes on over on the bench and I'll bet it's interesting sometimes. Rob is certainly very entertaining in his campy reactions to the horrible beating that Colby, Kath and especially Big Tom take as they fall down and get whacked by sightless people running with blocks. At one points he bites his fist--he kind of reminds me of Seth on the OC. The callers for the game are Alicia, Hatch and Jerri. I remember distinctly that Jerri took the same role when this game was played in Australia and she was terrible but she does fine here. Hatch is the worst of the three, but still does adequately enough. Alicia gets her team in way before the others--the Titanic is going for that all-time speed record--but then disaster strikes as they hit the iceberg of their collective intellect. Chachi. Soo. Big Tom. Alicia. Trying to work together on a brain teaser. It ain't pretty folks. Rob C. and Amber can only watch in horror as the Yogi's win and the Eggo's finish in second.

SHAKIRA SHENANIGANS

The Shakira's hike back to the tribe and Rob C. chuckles to himself as he listens to the others as they all agree that puzzles are HARD, "It was especially frustrating to watch because if I'd been in there we could have won. Hopefully my tribe will now see that even though I'm worthless around camp and not very trustworthy, they still need me." That's be nice, wouldn't it? But Amber is already plotting his ouster, as she sidles up to her apparant ally, Big Tom. When he comments on Rob's being smart, she snaps, "He's TOO smart! That's why brainiac has to go! I'm PRETTY sure that Boston Rob will be on our side too. I mean, we aren't very close or anything, it's just a feeling I have." Tom has doubts, "Ah don' think it miyksus uh strowng trahb. Ah dew knuh thet his mine woulda warked thet thar puzzle." He thinks it's down to either Rob or Alicia, which is news to Alicia, who's pretty sure it's Rob. She allows, "Usually everyone gets together, just to make sure that we're all on the same page about who's going out...no one's talked to me...maybe I should be nervous, but I'm pretty sure I'm just the red herring tonight." Chachi reaches out to Rob, "You 'n me, we could make good allies, whaddaya say?" Rob wants to get rid of Alicia before Soo, and Boston Rob is all over it. When Rob expresses doubts over Chachi's sincerity, Chachi jumps at the chance to "shake on it." I think the WHOLE point of this is because Chachi REALLY wants to "betray" someone. The gang eats rice, knowing that for someone, it's there last meal. Before they get to order steak and lobster at the Panama Hilton, that is. Chachi tells us, "It cou' be Rob, Soo or Alicia. Uh haven' made up muh mind yet but when I do? Dat's duh person who's goin' home." You know what's scary? He's RIGHT. Boston Rob aka Chachi aka "The Gah Father" really is the BRAINS of Shakira right now.

QUIZ RESULTS

Thanks to all of you who answered last week's quiz (what can I say, I'm a feedback junkie), where A was the overwhelming response: liking Jerri more than Ethan and Rupert is the most disturbing thing so far this season. Ethan and Rupert were back to being their affable selves this week, so maybe we can relax a little. Nothing "came" to me, in terms of a quiz this week, so you're off the hook :p

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff is like a dog with a bone as he tries to hit us all over the head with how this is THE HARDEST SURVIVOR EVER in terms of the physical elements. Big Tom says it shore nuff is, even though I still think Africa was the hardest by far. Rob C. agrees it's the hardest, "But this is All Stars, that's what we signed up for!" Jeff then asks Amber, "Is there a point to your being here, beyond how cute you are in a bikini?" "I think so Jeff--I'm real good at calming people down and joining other people's alliances." Soo declares, "Us losin' has made us more dangerous!" Whatever. Then Big Tom starts in on how much he enjoys watching Chachi and Amber at night, "Ahbin watchin' 'em 'en thar's been some cuddlin' 'en some grinding." I'd almost forgotten what a big perve Tom is, but it's all coming back to me now--his ogling Lil Kim at the watering hole and getting off on digging that tick out of Lindsay's butt. Ah. memories. Jeff insists that Amber's blushing but she insists, "No I'm not, I'm a total skank. I don't care if the whole tribe watches me and Boston Rob dry hump! I'm young! I'm 25! I'm having fun!" Big Tom leers, "Wull ahm ol ahm farty aiit 'en ahm hayvin fun tuh." Amber coolly huffs that she came to play "Survivor," not "The Dating Game." When Jeff asks Chachi if he's worried that the others might assume that the others might thing they have an alliance, Chachi shrugs, "Nah, it's ahvious. We been flirtin' evuh since we got ou' heuh. But dere kin only be one winnuh an' my commitment is tuh duh game fust." When Jeff polls the tribe on what might cause them as individuals to be ousted, Chachi speculates, "Muh mouth an' my attitude--right Ambuh?" Jeff laughs, "Oooh, clearing it with the old lady, man are you whipped!" Amber is displeased, "Yeah, Boston Rob DOES talk a lot. He needs to keep his big mouth shut at the challenges, at camp and especially HERE." Soo sums up her liabilities, "Ah can be a bitch to be around--and I dohn't suck up to people an' pretend to be someone Ahm NOT!" I hate it when people try to excuse their anti-social behavior with "I'm just being myself." It's like, okay, well then you're a total bitch, Soo. That's who you are and people have the right to not want to be around you.

The votes are cast and a disappointed and deceived Rob is ousted in a 5-1 vote. Refreshingly, Rob has a very animated and honest reaction to seeing his name come up, visibly swearing as he realizes he'd been played. Chachi can't for the life of him contain that stupid self-satisfied smile of his and once again, I think his NEED to be seen as the string-puller will ultimately cost him the game. Say what you will about Hatch, he was more than happy to allow Soo, Kelly and Rudy think they were playing him. I'm sorry to see Rob go, but it was kind of inevitable, especially with this tribe. His low-key game of manipulation and deflection doesn't work when you start with 6 veteran players rather than 8 newcomers. They all saw him coming. I'm surprised no one contemputously spat, "College Boy!" as they voted for him--Rob was a frat boy among the working class, and he never quite fit in. Rob's bummed, but in his exit sppech he says he's proud to have gotten to play Survivor twice and I think he's right to feel that way. I won't make any speculation about "next week" since that was, ahem, yesterday. Sorry, again: really weird week.

"Basically, I am an alliance of one. I am a lone wolf in this game--a mercenary, if you will. I just pick up the bottom-feeders as I go."

Rob Cesternino, 2003

Peace! :D

Christine