Survivor 8.3 "Back to Life, back to reality..."

Well, last week I complained that everyone was being too cautious to be
interesting--no fear of that this week as a house-building challenge tears
each team apart. Then, in "A Very Special Survivor," Rich Jenna leaves the
game to be with her dying mother. Hey, love her, hate her, hate yourself
for hating her once you learned her mother died, I think we can all agree
that this was DAMN good television! <:o

NEWS AROUND CAMP

The episode starts with a shot of a sloth combing flies out of his hair
with his long claws. Now, I'm used to the snakes=betrayal, spider eating a
spider=power shift animal symbolism, but this one threw me. I thought
maybe the reward challenge would be for shampoo and stuff. Or maybe that
sloth was supposed to represent Rich Jenna, who's worrying her Eggo
tribemates with her mopey and lethargic "I wanna go home" attitude. True,
this describes many a (usually young) Survivor before her, but this is the
All Stars, consarnit! Lex has yet to go psycho *fingers crossed as I type
"yet"* but he has returned to his "Dude, you have no IDEA" brand of
hyperbole, "Man, Let me tell ya, the bugs here are like, 100 times more
bitey than any bugs that any Survivor cast has ever encountered and they
get even worse when you scratch them and then when you get salt water in
them it hurts like you're being tortured--I think it's probably WORSE than
being tortured, man!" Lex and Kath take on parenting duties as they try to
stop Rich Jenna from scratching her bug bites, try to get her to eat and
stay hydrated, try to get her to go in the water to cool off. Rich Jenna
mournfully tells her tribe, "Like, I hate everything right now--except for
you guys of course. I wanna go home." Lex and Shii Ann agree on the very
obvious, that Rich Jenna is NOT happy. At this point, Jenna's despair
combined with her status as a previous winner probably has the whole tribe
a little relieved: if they lose immunity, Rich Jenna might thank them for
voting her out.

The Yogi's, meanwhile, channel all their frustration at being the Big
Losers of Survivor All Stars into building furniture and whatnot as a
"family." Jerri insists, "Without being overly confident or arrogant
because I'm NOT ANYMORE, I feel really good about where we're at. The four
of us are a family and work well together--in your FACE, Tina!" Rupert
catches another fish which prompts Ethan to go out on yet another fruitless
search for fish, which amuses Rupert, "I tried t' tell 'im it's not a
competition. It's really not--I mean, clearly, he's no competition at
all." Ethan is bummed when he fails again, and Rupert assures him that
he'll get better, though he really doesn't care, "In case you missed all of
the first 8 episodes of Survivor: Pearl Islands, I like bein; th'
fisherman. I know he wants t' fish but it'll hurt us as a team if he keeps
tryin' t' compete wi' me." In Ethan's defense, what else is there to do
out there BUT try to learn how to spear fish?

RICH ALMOST GETS EATEN BY A SHARK

Well, to hear him tell it. Hatch goes spear fishing, and stupidly decides
to try to go after a rock-hiding shark rather then spear one of the
hundreds of non-biting fish in the area. The shark bites him OF COURSE,
and latches on to his arm and won't let go. The shark is quite small, with
a half-dollar sized mouth. No one was gonna die here. Anyway, Hatch bites
it, it still won't let go, so he paddles into shore and brains it against a
rock. He brings it to camp and we practically have to hear him tell the
whole story all over again when he shows the dead animal and his tiny,
hopefully-infecting-as-we-speak wound to his awe-struck tribe. Mercifully,
Krazy Kath doesn't offer to pee on his arm. Colby wonders, "Is it possible
to call a gay man a stud?" Uh, it is when you're not a homophobe, Colby.
Rich's sexuality makes you uncomfortable, we FREAKIN' get it. Shii Ann
gushes, "Rich is a FISHING god. He bit a fish that bit him: It's SO man
versus nature, it's SO Hemingwayesque, I love it." See, I hate Hatch AND
Ernest Hemingway, so there you go. Yet Shii Ann's pro-Rich comments don't
scare me because she says them in that "Look at this weird bug I have under
this microscope--let's see what happens when we introduce acid into it's
environment" way that she has. Later, Rich Jenna agrees that Hatch is
impressive and Shii Ann nods, "Yes, he may not be impressive downstairs,
but he's impressive in other ways." Heh heh. Hatch watches from his usual
creepy-stalker distance and laughs as Kath tries in vain to chop the head
off his shark with the tribe's machete. "I NEED to be the provider and
they are LOVING me," Rich insists, "They just keep THANKING me and saying
they LOVE me," he smirks and then waves bye-bye to each of them, as though
he COULD get rid of them one by one, even though that's not how the game is
played. And who's gonna side with Hatch? He's been boasting about how he
outsmarted everyone the first time for the last 3 and a half years and NO
ONE wants to hear how he outsmarted the best of the best. And yet...I keep
worrying about his ability to build alliances. If Kath or Shii Ann start
to feel threatened by Lex and Colby's athleticism and male-bonding, he
MIGHT sway them into voting his way. Hatch won his game by convincing
everyone that he couldn't possible win so bringing him along was in their
best interest. He can make the same argument this season and an alliance
of any kind will always seem favorable to the vulnerable.

REWARD LIMERICK SINCE A LIMERICK WILL BE INAPPROPRIARE LATER

Here is a boxful of tools
The one who builds best is who rules
But if you insist
on the sand to exist
Then clearly you've listened to fools

Reward Treemail arrives, and each tribe is given a crate full of tools from
(The) Home Depot with which to build a better shelter. Remember how I
said last week that the product placement on this show was getting less
blatant? Well, it turns out I don't know jack crap. The tribes have 24
hours in which to build their "dream home." They will be judged on form,
function and creativity--first place wins pillows and stuff and clue to
find the second key to the rice box, second gets the clue only, and third
gets nothing. At Shakira, Big Tom and Stoopid Soo bicker immediately over
Soo's idea involving a tree trunk. Either she wanted them to build their
shelter around a giant tree trunk, or she wanted to cut a tree down, I
don't know which because her braying is often too hard to understand and I
hate her to much to bother to figure it out. Big Tom is growing tired of
Soo, "Sheeizuh haig from hail. How ah maid it tuh fore teeayt w'out Soo
Hawk leadin' me bah th' haynd is a mystreh t' me. She is th' bossist
wuhmuhn ah evuh mayt in mah lahf!" Soo confides, "Airs is gonna be uh
disaster, ah can tell you that right noh." I hope that recent immigrants
to America who are trying to learn English by watching television are not
watching Survivor. Then, before building their new Home Depot house, the
two destroy their old Glass House by calling each another stupid (but not
to each other's face). They return to camp and Soo volunteers to be one of
those who sits out. Chachi the construction worker is excited about the
task and the tribe agrees to put him in "chahge." Soo scoffs from the
sidelines, "I hope dey dohn' get jack in dis challenge just tuh bring 'em
dohn a nahtch." What a bitch. Now I have to root for cocky Chachi just to
spite Soo, great, although Soo actually DOES win if they win so pleh. To
his credit, Chachi really does work hard, and draws up a sound blueprint.
Rob is miffed when Big Tom and Chachi relegate him to "Zen rock garden
duty" with Alicia, who's playing smart today by keeping her head down and
letting Chachi do his thing. Chachi bags on her rock garden--it's actually
difficult to imagine his saying anything nice about anybody unless it
involved her "great rack." Speaking of which, Amber becomes very turned on
by Chachi's architectural prowess and while I admit there is something
inherently sexy about any guy who's really good at something, even if he's
maybe not the most attractive guy around (i.e. Eric Gagne) I'm having a
hard time imagining what Chachi could be SO good at, it would make me see
past his...chachiness. Also, I'm not looking forward to weeks and weeks of
"Amber loves Chachi--or is it just strategy?", yawn. But the stand-out
performer (or non-performer) in the challenge is Rob, who Chachi describes
as "useless all around, on a nevuh-endin' coffee break." When he shows up
after a long absence, the supposedly smart Rob Cesterino smoothly explains,
"I went to go get...er...uh...something...but it was...it turned out to be
too heavy...then...uh...I GOT LOST! Yeah, LOST in the woods, yeah, that's
the ticket." Alicia spits, "Rob does the minimum to get by and everyone
noticed it today!" Chachi and Big Tom enjoy the show while Alicia
browbeats a beleaguered Rob, whose "stay under the radar" strategy isn't
going so well at the moment.

MOBY LOG CABIN

Anyone who hasn't understandably blocked Survivor:Thailand from memory
knows that the building of a shelter can become a dangerous and divisive
obsession for any tribe, like the dominant Sucks of Sucks Hard, whose Moby
Shack turned strangers into enemies and "people who thought getting food
and water was important" into "lazy villains." At Camp Yogi, Rupert has
unilaterally decided that the tribe will build a log cabin. In the sand.
Now, Jesus told a parable about two men who build their houses--the smart
guy on rock, the stupid guy on the sand. And the rain comes down, and the
waters rise and the rock guy is fine and the sand guy is very wet and sad.
And the reason this is such a good parable is that ANY IDIOT would agree
that it's unwise to build a HOUSE right on the sand, especially when you
know it's rainy season and that tides get high. But Rupert (who builds
houses, apparently) wants to dig several feet into the sand so that they
can all stand up inside the log cabin. What's REALLY hard for me to
understand is that when Rupert spent three days with the woeful Morgan
tribe, one of the things he insisted they do was move their camp further
back from shore because of the impending rainy season and the possibility
of their being washed away. But NOW, Rupert is insisting on being
high-concept at the expense of logic and practicality. Jerri argues that
the moisture will make living under the water level (!!!!) too unpleasant
and unlivable. Rupert replies, "Ah my GAWD! None of them are gonna make
anythin' like this. We're gonna make a LOG CABIN. I been buildin' houses
fer twenty years! Arrrr!" Jerri continues to be sane and calls for a vote
and both Ethan and Poor Jenna choose to say nothing so Jerri throws up her
hands and agrees to the bad plan. A plan she knows is bad because in
Australia she lobbied for the Bear Monday tribe to build THEIR shelter on
the soft sand of a "dry" river bed, and the rains came down and the waters
rose and the Bear Mondays became very wet, sad, and hungry when they lost
their entire camp. Ethan smiles at the conflict, "Jerri was right," he
shrugs, "But I didn't want to piss off Rupert because I don't want to get
voted out." Hope it's worth it when you all catch pneumonia in that stupid
subterranean log cabin of yours, Ethan :( Of course, night falls and the
Yogi's aren't anywhere close to finished. They're trying to hammer nails
in the dark when they have to cut short their digging because of a massive
tree trunk which can't be cut out. Jerri cries, "We played STRONG but we
played STUPID and that's what infuriates me!" What infuriates ME is this
is the second week in a row she's made this dumb comment--it's this
season's answer to last season's "110%" Rupert complains, "I have a HARD
time listenin' t' people sayin' it's too hard, it's impossible, and that's
what they're all sayin', all three of them." Rupert, Your problem is you
have a hard time listening. Period. Your plan was stupid and even if it
wasn't, 24 hours isn't enough time to pull it off. Ethan looks at the
unfinished mess and wonders where they'll sleep and Rupert snaps
defensively, "We'll put in beds! And a sink and a microwave and..." Jerri
shakes her fist at the sky, "Damn you Home Depot! You've torn our tribe
apart and you've driven Rupert mad!"

ANOTHER QUIZ FOR YOU NOT TO ANSWER, YOU JERKS

>:I <----if that face won't make you answer a quiz, I don't know what
will. I send this out to about 60 people, some of you forward it on...I
expected more than 8 responses, especially with the threatening emoticon, I
really did. Of those few who answered, "C" was the most popular
answer--that Jerri regained her soul at the end of "The Surreal Life," when
MC Hammer brought the gang to church. This week's question:

So far, what is alarming you most about Survivor: All Stars?

A) I'm liking Evil Jerri more than I am Ethan and/or Rupert
B) I thought Richard Hatch was kinda bad-ass when he killed that shark
C) I live to hear Chachi Mariano "tell me duh facts" about his tribemates
D) How seriously Christine is taking her stupid quizzes :p

TREEHOUSE OF ANNOYANCE

At Leggo My Eggo, Colby and Lex have a great time saying quasi-witty things
as they build a sort of tree house. Jenna and Shii Ann brainstorm some
creative touches for the shelter (rope ladder, dumb-waiter) but when they
bring it to the boys, they're shut down and Shii Ann is put out. She goes
to get palm fronds, while Jenna completely checks out and frets that her
cancer-stricken mother might die while she's playing Survivor and that she
shouldn't have come. America rolls it's eyes and groans, "Here goes Jenna,
playing the "my mother has cancer" card again." America isn't a bad
person--if it knew Jenna's mother was really gonna die, it wouldn't have
been so down on Jenna! Honest! Richard Hatch and Kath are sitting out the
treehouse challenge--Kath goes about cooking and water boiling while Hatch
watches everyone work. He laughs, "I GLADLY sat this one out--it looked
like a lot of WORK," Which is kinda jerky but meh, you know what? I think
I would've been happy to duck this challenge as well.

RAFFA HUFFS AND PUFFS

Morning arrives at Eggo, as does Jeff with Panamanian contractor Raffa,
who'll be judging the contest. Raffa shakes every branch of the Tree House
to test how sturdy it is, which alarms the Eggos when he's able to mess it
up pretty good. Colby is particularly horrified ("I don't think Raffa
realizes we have to LIVE in this shelter!") but he's also a pretty good
sport about it, and the whole thing is pretty funny. Hatch doesn't seem to
be around--you know, him being above it all, pleh. Then it's on to
Shakira, where Chachi's sturdy, homey hut, surrounded by hammocks and
swings and yes, a Zen rock garden is far and away superior to the others.
Raffa's socks are clearly knocked off. Then it's on to last and least Yogi
where we have to watch Rupert pathetically try to sell Raffa on their
half-finished cabin in the sand, complete with rickety rain gutters and
tree-trunk "foot rest." It was excruciating and it went on FOREVER. Jeff
knew it sucked, we knew it sucked, Rupert knew it sucked; it was horrible.
Then the Yogi's watch as, from a distance, Raffa makes hand motions to
explain to Jeff that the Yogi Cabin will soon be a swimming pool :( The
tribes all eagerly await the arrival of the plane that will drop the crate
full of various assorted housewares on the winning team. The Yogi's get
passed over and Rupert apologies and Poor Jenna says it wasn't his fault
even though it was. Jerri was right. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. Of
course, Shakira wins. A disbelieving Lex cries from Eggo, "It better be a
damn MANSION. It better have three stories!" Well, it doesn't Lex, but in
it's favor, you can't rip it apart with your bare hands. At Shakira, Big
Tom dances a jig and the whole tribe gets smashed on wine--except for Soo
who doesn't drink. When she says she won't be sharing in the libation, Big
Tom snickers, "The's th' bes' thing ah've hurd frehm Soo," and he, Alicia
and Chachi share a chuckle. Lightweight Amber gets bombed and flirty with
Chachi, who frets because he is indeed dumb enough to think that their
"alliance of hotness" isn't totally obvious to everyone else. At Eggo,
Hatch picks up the rice clue and insists, "This is sooooo much more
important then anything else!" Yeah? Well Shakira's got it too, PLUS some
mattresses and a tarp, suckuh!

BEHOLD, THE SYMBOLIC PELICAN OF DEATH

That night, a violent storm hits the islands. We assume the Yogi's don't
drown because they show up at the Immunity Challenge that Never Was but I'm
getting ahead of myself. The action is at Leggo My Eggo. Lex comforts a
quaking and cold Shii Ann and Jenna, and then tells us, "We got drenched
last night. I've never been so cold in all my life--I don't think anyone
ever has, dude. I think people in Antarctica are warmer than us because
they've got dry clothes! Our shelter just wasn't equipped to handle that
kind of storm---I don't think it's actually physically POSSIBLE to build a
shelter that was! Maybe if you had like, bricks and mortar. Maybe." Rich
Jenna watches a pelican fly into the air and it seems to say, "You're
mother is dying and you need to go home right now. Do Not pass Tribal
Council, Do not Collect One Million Dollars." Music that is either from
"The Shawshank Redemption," or is at least litigiously close, plays in the
background as Rich Jenna declares to her tribe that her mother is very
sick, her family needs her, she made a mistake in coming back to
"Survivor," and she needs to walk away from the game. No one believes her
at first, and they all try to talk her out of her funk. Colby reasons, "We
haven't lost yet--we haven't WON either, but with three tribes all that
matters is we haven't LOST. And we've managed not to lose by the
collective effort of each and every member of this team. Losing anyone
will hurt and it will hurt morale." Kath is shocked when she learns that
Rich Jenna's mother is in a Cancer Rehab, "She shouldn't be here, quite
frankly," she huffs, but she reaches out and tries to comfort Jenna, whom
she describes as "a quivering little leaf." The tribe has a team meeting
and in what can only be described as THE WORST METAPHOR EVER, Kath tells
Jenna she needs to make a decision because her depression and uncertainty
"is like a cancer eating away at us." Uh. You mean...it's like the
disease that's currently killing her mom? Like that? Way to go,
Kath--even shameless Richard Hatch seemed mortified.

THE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE THAT NEVER WAS

All three tribes arrive at the Immunity Beach, where an elaborate looking
challenge will go unplayed. Or maybe they'll leave it up and play it next
time, I dunno, but the point is, they don't play it today. It starts with
everyone "taking in" the new Yogi's, and Hatch reacts with mocking
false-sorrow at Rudy's departure. Jeff asks how everyone's
doing--actually, he asks the PYT's from each tribe how they're doing: Poor
Jenna, Amber and Rich Jenna. Poor Jenna's grrrrrreeeeat! Amber's just
peachy, thanks! Hatch speaks for a weepy Jenna, and pretends he gives a
rat's patootie about the "emotional things" going on at Leggo My Eggo.
Then Rich Jenna announces, "Due to an illness in my family, I need to pull
myself out of the game. I love this game but my priority is my family."
She declares that her mother's condition has gotten worse. Jeff frowns,
"You're talking like you're getting updates or something and if that's
true, I'll find out who leaked this information and fire their ass!" Jenna
shakes her head, "No, it's like a psychic connection--She's my mother, I'm
her only child, I got a vibe--I saw the Symbolic Pelican of Death rise out
over the ocean, and I know she needs me there. I made a bad judgment call,
I shouldn't have came--she wanted me to do this but I'd never forgive
myself if she died while I was here (CBS cuts to a weepy Ethan, who's Dad
died after a long illness when he was a teenager). CBS is such a
bastard--even the way they promoted this--"You won't BELIEVE what happens
in the LAST 15 minutes!!!!" I guess we should count our blessings that
they didn't say, "Tonight on Survivor: SOMEBODY DIES!!!"

Jeff opens up the discussion to the peanut gallery. Honestly, I think
Hatch is the only person who really gets this from a game POV: Hey,
Jenna's LEAVING. We don't have to expend any energy trying to win immunity
and none of the rest of us are going home: Neat-o! Alicia scowls, "Yo,
family rules, aiiight. There's nothing more important. I wouldn't've come
out here to begin with--I want you to go, I nevuh woulda come. Evuh!"
Kath gets all Mother Bear protective and barks back, "Hey, Jenna ADMITTED
she made a mistake by abandoning her mother back at the hospice to die
alone, okay?" Alicia shrugs, unfazed, "I know she admits it--So?" Amber
decides to be the goodwill ambassador of Shakira and asks Jeff for
permission to cross the sacred Tribal lines and give Jenna a hug, which he
allows--gee, thanks, Jeff. Jenna continues, "I just want to give major
props to all you guys--the game is really hard this time and you're a lot
stronger than me." This sets off Jeff's Osten-o-meter, "Wai-wai-wait! Are
you quitting because you're mother's dying of cancer as we speak, or are
you quitting because you're a whiny wimp with no respect for THE GAME like
that contestant whose torch we banished!? Because if you just can't handle
it, then you're coming to Tribal Council, missy, and I'll shame ya! I'll
shame ya good!" Jenna retorts, "Uh, HELLO, I handled it so well last time
that I WON, dumbass. I need this time with my mom, okay?" Chachi
tearfully tells Jeff to back off, "Ah don' tink dat it's right fuh any of
us tuh question her motives--I say we suppaht huh, an not jus because uh
duh fact dat she's haht." Rupert chimes in, "I feel bad fuh her, because
I'm so sensitive, but I also condemn her fuh quitting because I'm such a
competitor. That's the dichotomy that is Rupert." Big Tom blathers, "Ah
maiyd commih't ahs cu'n hyeh. Ah tol' meh faimleh, if'n thaiy ul dodd in
cah wreck? Ah'l be thar aferts over. Ah maiyd thet sihzyon fer Big Tom--a
lot of paypul er diff'rnt then Big Tom." THANK GOD. Jeff sighs, "Okay,
Jenna, I guess we can't keep you here and force to you to try and win a
million dollars--and believe me, I DID ask our lawyers but they said that
even though we're in a foreign land, you're an American citizen and it
would constitute false imprisonment. But this could have BIG HUGE
consequences to the game--especially if we were trying to bring back all
the ousted players back for some reason, which we're NOT. Probably. Plus,
you're giving a free pass to everyone else including the Big Loser Yogi's!
And you're leaving your tribe a person short which means only ONE of them
can sit out of the challenges, instead of two! Can you live with that?"
"Yep." "Can you make it to Tribal Council?" "Nope." Jeff looks bummed
about the no Tribal Council thing. Jenna is hugged by everyone and then
she waves goodbye. A Speedboat takes her away from the islands and then a
card comes up: "Jenna raced back home. Eight Days later, her mother lost
her long battle with cancer so, turns out it was a good thing that she left
when she did, huh?" Many are left to feel bad for making fun of her, yet
their contempt of Jenna is understandable because she was best friends with
Heidi.

Kath winds up doing Jenna's little farewell, which is nice. Kath is MY
personal frontrunner--in MY perfect world, she would win. Which is amazing
because I started off hating her guts. Such is Survivor. Jenna's leaving
isn't as big a deal either--as a previous winner, her days were numbered,
and I don't see these tribes having ANY real tribe loyalty going into a
merge, since they all know one another. Next week, Hatch HAS to be the
most vulnerable at Eggo, while Soo is getting help from Rob C. at
Shakira--either could go next. At Yogi, Ethan is on thin ice IF Jerri is
thinking of Poor Jenna as her Amber. But, I could see her siding with the
boys to oust her too. That's a tricky situation--one that may come down to
a tie-break.


"Don't be mad because we have good bodies. It's not our fault!"
Jenna Morasca, 2003

Peace Out! :D