General Hospital week Ending April 25, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

Rick Hearst. Sorry, can't get behind the leading-man thing, I DO think he's a bad dude. Maybe he can go the Jake McKinnon route and work towards redemption, I dunno. But he's a complicated bad dude, and Rick Hearst plays many levels. His terror of dying, the sick way he enjoys pretending to be sincere with Carly and Courtney when he KNOWS they don't believe him, his surprise at finding love with Liz and his doomed sorrow that it can't work. He's fantastic. So's Cynthia Preston--her palpable terror, the fast-talking desperate begging. She's great strong, she's great weak. I hope GH keeps her around, she's a wonderful villain.

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Robin Christopher. She was great all week but I especially loved the scene with Tracy and Rae in the hospital when she's begging Rae to tell her she really is a Quartermaine when she KNOWS it's a lie. She's sublime.

Honorable mention to Jane Elliott for her exquisite cruelty

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Maurice Benard. Let me get this straight. The thought of the sister Sonny only recently met hooking up with his best friend drives him to the brink of madness but finding out that his wife was violated as a means to get at him...nothing? I mean, I expected some anguish here! Some rage! I would've even spotted him a thrown glass or two ot three. Instead he's Mr. mellow and matter-of fact--even smiling (a "choice" I'm sure) when he tells Jason, "You ready for this? He raped my wife." I didn't get anything Mo was trying to do all week--and I don't think this was him phoning it in, I think it was him deciding that Sonny in control at this moment was throwing us off balance and oooh, so dangerous, so surprising! It didn't work Mo.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

The Quartermaine family meeting when The Q's won't let Skye bow out of the family--it just felt like old times, and when Alan said Skye would always be his daughter, I got all choked up. Good to know the show can still do that every now and then. And for those of you who don't buy it--hey, if Brenda can become an honorary Quartermaine...

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Sonny cleansing rape-scarred Carly with his magic penis of understanding. Sure, OTHER women have a difficult time with intimacy after they've been sexually abused, but those women don't have an epic love-for-the-ages like S&C! They heal all their wounds with a roll in the sack--gee Carly, aren't you glad Sonny doesn't find you repulsive? What makes it worse is they actually used the fact that Sonny's a possesive creep to build tension, so when he "forgives" her, we're supposed to be moved, "Wow, I totally thought Sonny was gonna throw her out of the penthouse for being dirty but instead he had sex with her! I didn't see that coming, they must really love each other."

Also, the scene where Jason tells Liz that Ric is a rapist and she doesn't believe him. This could have been a powerful scene--should have been, a powerful scene. Instead, Jason shrugs off Liz's refusal to accept his words with Steve's go-to move, the "I just don't understand why I'm better than everyone else" head-shake. If Jason REALLY AND TRULY believes that Liz, his ex-girlfriend/soul mate is dating and covering for a guy who he believes raped his best friend, he should have screamed at her, he should have shaken her and begged her to see that he's telling the truth (as he knows it) and that she's in danger and that he gives a damn about her as a human being. That would freak Liz out and dredge up her own rape and she would be confused and then he would realize he's scared her and she'd throw him out and it would be emotional and compelling instead of being a set-up: Liz is such an idiot--no wonder she lost Jason

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

Whenever they mention that Alexis killed Alcazar I'm like, "No she didn't it was...oh yeah." Like the whole Sonny is Courtney's brother thing, I still don't buy it.

I actually like the idea of Emily not trusting modern medicine in regards to her cancer. She believes she is going to die because of the childhood trauma of watching her mother do everything "right" and still succumb. I don't agree with Emily selfishly asking Monica to keep it a secret form her family, especially when the cover story causes Alan so much guilt and pain, but I BELIEVE it. I think it's great story for Monica and Alan too. That surprises me, lol.

I actually really dug the Courtney/Ric fight. It was very well staged and believable. Courtney kick boxes, and it's reasonable to assume, based on her physique lol, that she works out. So could she do some damage with her fists? Sure. Also, take some self-defense classes and they'll teach any girl, regardless of her size in relation to her attacker, how to use surprise and leverage in order to disable him enough TO GET AWAY. Not kick his ass, not go 10 rounds, but get away. That was all plausible to me. Of course Skipper blew it when she decided to call Jason from Ric's instead of RUNNING AWAY, but the fight? Totally plausible and well-executed. I could tell that RH2 and ALW are both athletes.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

Nothing about the "rape" makes sense, morally or dramatically speaking. The better story would be, she thinks she was raped from the get-go, and hides it from Sonny. She pulls away from him--he thinks its his fault, and it only perpetuates his depression, and she feels even worse. It would give these two something compelling to work through and more importantly, it makes the story about Carly. But Carly isn't the victim here folks: it's SONNY. See, Carly's being raped reminds him of his mother being beat up. Oh, gee...the poor guy. Also, had they played it this way, they wouldn't get the "Who's the Daddy" Soap Opera Digest cover.

Sonny about Carly, "I think of you as mine." Sounds like something OJ probably said about Nicole, we're supposed to think it's romantic.

Can you REALLY get a paternity test done that fast using DNA from a strand of hair? I mean, even in murder cases it takes days, weeks. But no, at GH your OBGYN can whip it up for you in a few hours.

I'm getting really sick of Courtney threatening people with death-by-boyfriend, "Hey la, Hey la, My Boyfriend's Whack."

Courtney sees Jason abduct a woman he intends to kill--and the WHOLE point of the scene is that this is an obstacle that they WILL overcome because SHE will get past all those silly hang-ups she once had about murder being bad. SHE has to live up to her claim that she "accepts him as he is!" Yeah, GH, that's a logical way to deal with a psychotic boyfriend! Great message to send the teens!

I didn't buy Liz's casually blabbing about Ric's situation to Taggart nor did I buy Zander ratting out Em's "drug problem" to the Q's. And he was a little too square and sponserish when lecturing Em about "the dangers of drugs." It's like, now that we know he grew up rich, he's suddenly lost his edge

Why was Faith moved from the safehouse to the killing house? Why not just keep her in one place and give Ric the WRONG ADDRESS?

Georgie's smart--can't she have deeper reasons for being into HER COUSIN, gag me, than "he's a really good soccer player"? Can't they at least do a "My So-Called Life" thing where the girl just sort of imagines/invents that this good-looking guy is deeper than anyone but SHE realizes even if its not true?

Sonny delighting in how "clever" his plan is to catch Ric, when its his own stupidity that's kept Ric close enough to hurt his family for months.

Jason once again being a better detectve than Taggart and figuring out Ric was at Liz's loft.

"Our Hero" Jason sharpening his knife and menacing his next victim, Faith. Laying out the plastic. Too bad Courtney's not there to see him taking such pleasure in "his burden." And of course, we're supposed to find him cool here.

Lucky saying, "An APB, can Nikolas do that?" Uh, Lucky...remember the part where you hit that cop? It's called assaulting an officer.

Why did we miss some of the BEST scenes in the Emily cancer reveal? Monica finding Emily unconscious and Monica finding out Em has cancer??

The Quartermaine mansion is like a sitcom set where the door is never locked and no one ever knocks--its worse, actually, with people crawling in windows and walking from the terrace whenever they please.

Sonny saying about Ric, "He will pay." No he won't. This is GH. And are we supposed to be touched or impressed that Sonny feels SO strongly about what Ric did that this time, he's gonna do his own killing? Gee Carly, since Ric raped you, I guess you've earned the right not to be sent out of the room...

Sonny has his own private island, but Carly folds the laundry?

Um...is Courtney really Wonder Woman? Is she a refugee from the Sci-Fi side of town? I mean, why else would she chase after a guy she thinks is a killer and a rapist instead of calling in the goon-squad? I'm quite certain we're supposed to find this "plucky" or something...plus she ditches out of her shift in order to do so, leaving Penny to fend for herself once again. Then again, Kelly's is a lot like Mel's Diner on "Alice": two customers, three waitresses...

Sonny's "cute" justification of his scary, violent behavior of late to his stolen "son": "Well, your dad, see, just like how you throw temper tantrums because you're six? Well daddy does that too even though he's 38. Or 42, depending on what web-site you go to."

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Faith, about shooting at Jason and Courtney: "I still can't believe I missed! I mean, what, are these people protected by the mob gods or something?"

Faith threatening Ric: "I'm the loose cannon, remember?"

Tracy: "Why am I the only one gets punished?"

Nikolas: "I'm much better now, thank you." Played by Tyler, you're damned right you are!

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

To bad Tracy's not sticking around--I think Jax and Tracy made a great couple. I prefer Ingo with older women anyway C'mon GH, lay down some TRAX!

Summer looked great after she and Lucky took a swim. I liked how her hair looked, all air-dried and casual.

TYLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so shallow I suddenly care, "Gee, just what IS Nik's plan?" LOL. And I know its Guza so whatever it is, it's stupid but, I'm in!

Can every writer everywhere PLEASE stop having people say, "don't go there"?? PLEASE??

And was I the only one who cringed when Georgie said "macking." I dunno if teens still say this but even if they do, I'll bet they don't if their step-father is named Mac.

Jax seemed like a game show host this week. And he did the Thurston Howell thing on Friday.

I loved Linda Dano on Another World, so it makes me sad to see her look so bad. Seriously, her eylids were like, collapsing.

Emily's in danger of becoming the new Lila, and I don't mean that in a good way. They need to have some of the Q's put her in her place instead of hopping to every time she gives them a lecture.

I think Maurice has been looking better lately--fit, tan. I also liked how Courtney looked in the ponytail on Friday, It suited her.

Lucky and Summer on the beach looked like a J.Crew catalog. Not even sure if that's an insult, it's just what they reminded me of...

They really HAVE to stop dressing Ned like he's trying out for Boys II Men.

I really enjoyed Lucky's faith in Luke on Tuesday--it wasn't even a question that his dad would elude the dogs on Spoon Island. When Luke wound up being in the back seat of their getaway car with fists full of cash it reminded me of when Luke used to be fun.

Becky's been looking amazing of late, is it the hair? Or the change in pace of having a generous acting partner again?

Why does everyone on this show have a desk by the door? I don't know anyone who does in real life...

Peace! Christine

Survivor 6.9 and Recap recap "Deena takes a walk"

What a great episode! And what a nice little break--Survivor can be a little exhausting for me, so I was glad to have the stupid clip show last week ;)

Morning at John le Carré, and Rob is playing with fire by stringing along the gullible but possibly capable of mass murder Sir Matt. Matt is literally grinning like an idiot and lapping up every lie that spills from Rob's mouth. Rob tells Matt that the other girls are resenting Deena's self-proclaimed leadership (not true--yet!) and that Deena is threatened by Matt above all others (Rob thinks this is true). Rob dispatches Sir Matt to "handle Butch." So, Matt and Butch are fishing and totally out of the blue Matt starts chanting in his usual serial-killer monotone, "We need a chain, like a chain link..." and I'm sure Butch's life flashed before his eyes. Then Matt, in full secret agent-mode starts raving, "I shall initiate all communication--myself, or my associate, Mr. Machete. I am your link to the others and now we will stop talking. I said stop talking, Mr. Machete! Why won't he ever stop talking?!" Yeah, Matt's a few Coors Light short of a Reward Picnic. Back at camp, the kids enjoy hearing Rob's tale about what a jerk he's being to Matt. Deena isn't laughing, but I don't think it's because she likes Matt. I think it's because she doesn't like laughing, as a rule. Anyway, everyone wants Matt gone because he's different.

Reward Limerick

If you have any skill with a spear
then a target, you should come quite near
Some have good aim
for others, a shame
But Matt fills us all with some fear

Everyone practices with ancient weapons and Matt tells Rob he's not gonna try his hardest to win and Rob suppresses a laugh while he shines him on, "Wow, Matt, you're really starting to understand this game!" In the actual competition, however, Matt doesn't take a dive and hits the middle of the middle of the middle of his target with a blow gun. He, Alex, Butch and Deena move on to the spear round where Deena whiffs. Rob is mucho irritated at Matt's proficiency--jealous of the weird guy no one likes and everyone wants gone, that's our pathetic Rob. Alex wins the final bow and arrow round and chooses his pal Jenna to join him for an afternoon of coffee-drinking and pastry-scarfing. Now that we've broken up I can admit it: Alex has a very disturbing and unmanly giggle. Jenna isn't unnerved, "I like, really like Alex? We both like, like to eat and he's like, cool and cute and stuff? So it was cool. And stuff. Did I say stuff? I meant to."

DEENALOO

Having embarrassed herself in the spear-throw, Deena pulls a Rich and Stoppid Sue (who always claimed their challenge suckage was strategic, yeah RIGHT) and tells us, "Being good at challenges is absolutely the worst thing you can do in this game! It puts a big target on your back and makes everyone HATE you!" Funny, runners up Kelly and Colby and winners Ethan and Brian won A LOT of competitions...huh, but yeah, okay, Deena, you TOTALLY meant to suck, I get it. Great strategy! She decides that Alex is an even greater threat to her than Matt and decides to bring him down. It's not that it's a bad thing to keep in the back of her head but it is SO DANGED early! She so could have gotten Rob and maybe Heidi to oust Alex AFTER Matt, Butch and Christy were gone--in other words, without violating the "Real Alliance." There are several alliances around, but this was, apparently, the main one. So she, Rob, Heidi and Christy are fishing--well, Rob is casting a net and the others are sitting around. And Deena asks Heidi, "How important is it to you that you advance in this game, Heidi--and remember, you ARE under oath." Let me interrupt myself to raise the discussion that despite all the talk about how crazy MATT is, Heidi is the one who's come undone. The once crafty schemer has unspooled into a twitchy, chittering ferret . In less than a month she's gone from nubile gym instructor to someone who you might find cackling in a rocking chair on some backwoods porch, cradling a sawed-off shot gun. Sling Heidi replies, "Mmmm, I'd like to win me a million dollars, mmmm hmmm." Deena nods, "And what do you think your chances are of beating Matt or Alex in a--" "Matt's not in the picture, mmmm hmmmm," Heidi insists, her tongue lolling out of her mouth as it tends to do these days. "Yeah, but if Matt wins immunity, don't you think Alex should go? I know you do." Rob gives a classic, "What the Frick" look but plays along, "What about Jenna? Will she go for it?" "Leave Jenna to me--I can finesse Jenna. I can finesse anyone. I have people skills, damn it, I don't care WHAT my last performance evaluation said!"

Meanwhile, Jenna and Alex are chattering about how much fun the young, not-deaf not-Matt people are. Even though Deena is in their alliance, they don't know where her head's at. Alex says, "She's only three years older than me but she's so OLD. I mean, she's got a career and a family...people in their thirties aren't supposed to be grown ups....ARE THEY!?" Jenna shrugs, "Dude, I don't even want to THINK about being 30, and it's like an ETERNITY away, thank GOD! You start to get like, wrinkles and stuff? But anyways, I'm worried about Deena. She's like, always trying to work a different angle." Unlike the declining Heidi, Jenna's got her brain intact--she's not book smart, she's boob smart but she don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows either. Back at camp, Deena tries to wrap her back-stabbing with a bow of fair-play, "None of us have chance to win against Alex. If we get rid of him, then we can all compete against each other on an even playing field." It's unclear what Rob's true feeling are here. He tells us he and Deena have a secret alliance to the end, and I'm sure he's threatened by Alex. He seems to be playing along--and certainly has Heidi believing he's down with the plan. Deena couldn't be more pleased with herself, "Rob and I are in total control of this game, and when I say Rob and I, I mean I. I have just engineered the kind of departure that will go down in Survivor history as one of the greatest most-strategic moves EVER!" And she's right...in a manner of speaking. "I'm smarter than Rob. I'm thinking 24/7 and I have back-up plans for my back-up plans," she chuckles smugly before adding a fake self-deprecating, 'My head hurts." You're not fooling us Deena! A lost-looking Heidi sits by the river and mutters, "Mmmm, this is getting interesting, mmm hmmm." Heidi's head? ALWAYS hurts.

That night, a very wired Alex and Jenna return to camp. Deena, who's not naturally warm, gives them a very warm welcome, "Oh, you're back! Oh my goodness, we missed you both sooooooo much!" and it's soooooo fake. Alex and Jenna have brought back some smashed up cookies back, a nice gesture they almost ruin by putting on a three-act play to announce it. Matt and Butch are out fishing (working, the morons) so of course creepy Rob wants to eat their cookies, "They're on the outside looking in, why shouldn't we eat their cookies?" Rob is a very small person. Out on the boat, Sir Matt practices talking like a human with mixed results, "Truly, it is the fondest desire of my heart that I would catch a "goddamned" fish." Then Butch had the unbelievable misfortune of being bitten by a dead piranha. When they return, they're very happy to have some cookies. As things settle sown, Heidi takes Jenna aside and tells her all about Deena's plan to oust Alex. Heidi tells us, "Mmmm, Alex and Jenna are my original alliance, mmm hmmm. Well...Shawna and Deena were in my original alliance first, and then it was me and Roger and Dave...maybe I don't know what original means, mmmm hmmmm." Anyway, Jenna tells Alex that Deena is starting trouble and that Rob is apparently on Deena's side. Alex confronts Rob who confirms Heidi's story--Deena wants Alex out after Matt. Alex decided, "Well, here's MY plan: we get rid of Matt and then we get rid of Deena," and he points a lot. Rob does the head-nodding "yes sir" stooge thing he's so good at. It's actually a damn smart way to play the game, but I wonder how long his ego can take it.

Sometime in the night, Heidi gets bit by "something," probably a spider. As Rob puts it, "her knee has swollen to the size of one of her breasts." Let me just add that John le Carré has the cutest tribe flag EVER, with an alligator that looks a smiling Godzilla. I'm picturing it on my wall even though I know it will go for thousands of dollars. DRAT!

Immunity Limerick

Ever wonder why food is called grub?
Be it burgers or soup or a sub?
Well here in Brazil
you can have your fill
of grub that is actually GRUBS

It's the gross eating challenge even though no one seems to clue in except Butch. Everyone thinks its gonna be a choice of immunity or food (thanks to the actual and very misleading immunity poem) a la the stand-on-a-pole. When Jeff tells them everyone gets to eat they all cheer except Butch--who may have watched the show before. He chuckles, "There's a catch, guys." More like a wretch, pleh >:p Jenna can't eat the grasshoppers and is first out. Jeff accuses her of being confident but she pleads wimpiness. Heidi doesn't move on either. Next up is grubs and Rob and Butch aren't fast enough. Rob likes them though, and finishes his ration on the way to the loser bench. Deena has become so focused on her plan to oust Alex that she's practically cheering, "Matt, Matt, he's our man! If he can't eat it, none of us can!" It's pretty bizarre because Alex hasn't been a jerk like Roger. I understand him as a threat, but the clues to his becoming Deena's sworn enemy are hidden in the Byzantine depths of Deena's over-agile mind. Alex and Christy can't survive the crispy beetle round leaving Deena and Matt to the final course--a five or so inch long LIVE and squiggly larvae!! It is SO GROSS AND SCARY! And Sir Matt swallows it whole without even killing it, causing the everyone to applaud his effort. He's freaky and weird...but I think everyone is genuinely impressed. I know I was. Yeah, he's a nut-job, but I'm kinda rooting for him to keep winning immunity, just because everyone's against him and he doesn't know it.

At John le Carré, Deena's pre-vote clueless arrogance surpasses that of her third nemesis Roger (after Joanne and Jeanne, before Alex). "Alex made a HUGE blunder by not winning immunity because unlike me, he REALLY needed it. If MY ass had been on the line--whcih it SO isn't, I would have tried to win, sure. But everyone's onboard with *my* plan, the girls are falling in line and Alex is going bye bye." She tells Jenna that Alex has to go and Jenna plays along, even violating the sanctity of the pinky swear to assure Deena of her loyalty. Deena gloats, "I convinced Jenna that I was right--I'm REALLY good at telling people what to do." Deena personifies that cliché about leadership, that if you think you're leading, and you look behind you and no one's following you then it turns out you're just taking a walk. Jenna tells us, "Deena was in an alliance with me, Rob, Alex and Heidi--you know, the young people who aren't deaf? Or Matt? And she like, totally betrayed us so now she's gotta go." She tells Alex that Deena is indeed mobilizing for an assault on him and he speculates (clearly unaware of her close bond with Rob) that Deena wants an all-girl final 4 (a temptation I think Deena would eventually resist). Alex and Jenna do fret about Rob's loyalty, a seed of mistrust that may bloom later. Deena shores up Christy and Rob's support. She does her best with Rob--she plays on both his insecurities and his ego by reminding him of Alex's charm and its effets on Heidi and Jenna and then praising him for managing Matt and by extension, Butch. "It's all falling together," Deena brags, "God himself could not sink this ship!"

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Dave the juror is wearing clean pants but doesn't otherwise look all that different then he did in the game. Jeff, wearing that gorgeous bright blue shirt of his, sigh, wonders how the spider-chomped Heidi is holding up, "Mmm, I'm getting better, mmm hmmm." When she says that athletic ability and intelligence are her two strongest assets and she's now lost one of them, Jeff jokes, "Which one?" Which totally undercuts my ability to make a cheap joke at her expense--thanks a lot, Jeff! Dave doesn't seem at all amused, but the jury usually looks pissed. I heard first season's Jenna reveal on a radio interview that while she looked bitter and enraged it was actually all she could do not to laugh out loud at the silly seriousness of Tribal Council. Jenna's ouster was what made me realize what a new and incredible show Survivor was, by the way. She kinda annoyed me--she was always crying and whining about her kids and I wasn't sad to see her go but she had sort of become the show up to that point and I remember realizing with some shock the following week, "Jenna isn't gonna be on the show anymore...how are they gonna do this show without Jenna?" Other shows don't vote out main cast members every week--at least not back in the 20th Century, they didn't. Jeff tries to clue in Deena and Alex to the forces working against them, "Deena, have you noticed any shifts in power?" Deena can barely contain her glee and it's all she can do to stop herself from springing up and screaming in Alex's face, "You're going DOWN, pretty boy! Because I'm Deena and I say so!" Instead she rattles off some Survivor clichés about never being sure and anything can happen and the game has really only JUST NOW begun, bah blah blah. Alex responds to the same line of questioning by musing over the relative ethics involved in Survivor, and whether or not it's okay to stab someone in the back. Deena is to busy ogling Alex's back to notice the shiny knife he's sharpening. When Jeff asks matt if he really needed immunity this week, the consistently clueless Matt shakes his head, "Oh certainly, while the Immunity Necklace is a rather amusing bauble but I know from my detailed knowledge of the inner-workings of the tribal politics that I surely did not need it." Although Deena's sudden obsession with Alex makes baffled Matt's ravings almost true, I suppose. Right before the vote, Alex defends the fact that he really wants to win to anyone threatened by his performance thus far. Deena sniffs that the only thing that separated her from Matt was a big ol' bug and Rob looks like he wants to punch her in the face and I'd applaud him for it. Hey, sweetie? That big ol' bug was the price of Immunity this week--something you were to arrogant to consider needing. So bye bye, and that WAS in that annoying sing-song you so like to employ :)

Christy and Deena are the only ones who vote for Alex, while everyone else casts theirs for Deena (or Denna). Jenna is to the point: "You lied to me, you betrayed me you screwed me. Now screw you." Deena mistakenly labels Alex "what's standing between me and the big prize." Actually, it's her tremendous ego. Alex rails, "You couldn't keep your word for 3 days--and I'd love to go against you in court because you're the worst liar I've ever MET!" He should be worried about the best liar he's ever met--Rob--but he doesn't know it. As usual, Rob pretends to be shocked by the vote. Predictably, Deena doesn't wish the others good luck and then doesn't own up to her own hand in her demise. On The Early Show, she claims Heidi and Jenna were afraid of losing "their snuggle bunny," instead of admitting she made a promise and broke it and THAT scared them because they couldn't trust her anymore. I think Rob should be concerned about Alex, but think this week will be back to status quo of ousting the outsiders, and Butch will go cuz he's like, old? I really do think Matt might win-out in terms of immunity--we'll see! Deena leaves in the 8th postion, where we lost weepy Jenna whom I discussed earlier. THis was also the place of the best ouster in the history of Survivor--Evil Jerri :D Still brings happiness and joy. Brandon was Out of Africa at this point as was Smuggly lame duck Zoe and Ken the Cop.

As for the recap, it was typically lame--this one time, Jeanne and Joanne went looking for food and they found a PINEAPPLE!! And everyone ate it and it was soooo good--can you believe they cut that out? The only really interesting thing was the rather disgusting reveal that Jeanne was so mad about Joanne's ouster than she intentionally baked manioc cakes full of mold to the others. What ever happened to Baby Jeanne? Deena sued her ass, is my guess. Have a great week!

Peace! Christine :D

General Hospital week ending April 18th, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

I'm gonna give this to Leslie Charleston. She's been such a shrill harpie of late but she proved this week (as if she had to) that when she's given a range of material, she can bring a multi-dimentional Monica to life. She's cranky, she's funny, she's strong, she's warm--why hey! She's a real person! And Cynthia Preston was, as always, a hoot

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Jane Elliot's star-turn entrance and introducing of her family to her son. Just fabulous. I thought Robin Christopher was great when Skye realized Tracy might be telling the truth about her parentage. I also liked Lane Davies on Monday, when Zander was lacing into Cameron, his eyes flashed anger, but he didn't unleash anything--like he's fundamentally unable to actually emotionally engage with Zander, it was subtle, and nice.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

As hard as it is to pass over Tamara for not even being able to pretend that Carly can even tolerate Sonny, let alone love him, or Steve for his typical do-nothing eyebrow-acting, I gotta go wtih Alicia Leigh Willis who is not only one-note, but offkey in every single scene. She finds a dead body? Nothin. She gets SHOT AT? Nothin--a little extra spunkiness, sure, but no fear, no vulnerability, nothing that makes her even remotely accessible to the audience. At her best, she's doing a pitch-perfect impression of Neve Campbell's hysterically stuttering Julia on "Party of Five" ("God, Bay...") and on her worst days--which seem to be piling up on top of each other of late--she's a WWF caricature. And like her boyfriend, we know she'll never, ever lose.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

I enjoyed Tracy's reintro scene with the Q's but I have to go with Faith's giving Courteny a big wet one, LOL. It was so awesome, so unexpected and then we get Courtney and Carly's junior high reaction with Courtney rinsing her mouth out like she's gonna get cooties And then the dim sisters try to figure out what it could mean, "God, do you think it's like in the movies? The kiss of death?" "You know what? She might have just been turned on by your manly forearms." And yet AMC is getting credit for daytimes' first lesbian kiss--whatever

I love how Tracy can always get Lila to take her back

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Surprise: Friday's Courtney and Jason scene, where Courtney says, "It's okay...and not at all monstrous...that you kill people on my brother's orders. Because I saw that you took no pleasure in it, noble Jason. Being a murderer is a burden you carry...like a cross!" And this was only one episode after we saw Jason take GREAT PLEASURE in telling Ric that the day was gonna come when Sonny would tell him to kill Ric. Assine AND evil.

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

That Sonny and not Super-Jason realized that Ric was "The Silent Partner" Don't you want to throw something every time you hear that? It's like when Kat went Splat and everyone kept saying "parapet." *shudder*

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

The way the show made a big deal , with dramatic music etc. when Sonny made the above-mentioned realization. WE already know and, because they've made a point in every single solitary Ric/Sonny scene to make sure that WE know that Sonny doesn't trust Ric...er, even when he DOES...it only seems stupid that Sonny and Jason DIDN'T know Ric was "The Silent Partner."

Sonny getting back to normal without therapy or medication--who needs it when you've got Jason around? Kinda undercuts that whole "We really care" bullshit PSA they did about how, you know, you can't lick mental illness by yourself?

Ned's psycho devotion to the baby. If they were writing this as a story: Ned over-compensating with Kristina because of his distance with Brook lynn OR Ned really DOES believe Kristina is his OR he at least believed that during a significant part of Alexis's pregnancy--then it MIGHT work but as it is, he just comes off like an ass**** half the time and just an ass the other. I'm yelling, "It ISN"T your frickin' baby!" almost as much as I'm yelling, "throw it, THROW iT!" Not good.

Liz being stupid about Ric, ignoring all the warning signs that Ric is creepy and instead actually feeling bad about it, "I'm sorry for having a legitimate reaction to your bizarre behavior, Ric, let's have sex again!" Who the hell is this?? Liz needs to read "the Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker....as should every woman in America

Carly babying Sonny. This is supposed to be a leading man?? This pathetic infantilized scaredy cat? With Carly telling HIS SISTER, "He slept through the night with no bad dweams and no accidents!" I don't think Sonny can be saved--I'll never find him sexy again.

Earth Mother, good-soundingboard Carly--who the hell is this?? The real Carly would be rolling her eyes at Courtney's "woe-is-me without Jason" shit. This story would be so much better with Brenda or Liz with Jason because tension would be much better (and believable) than the Carly/Courtney coffee klatch.

All the JIP angst of the break-up that REALLY actually never occured! They haven't stopped seeing each other! AGH! Courtney: "Every time I look at the giant dominos, I think about how Jason had no use for such things...I went by the coffee warehouse, hoping to see him, but he wasn't there. He must have been out slaying somebody...so then I went home and kick-boxed while I fantasized about doing his laundry." And yeah, I have a LOT of sympathy for Courtney's having the shakes after ONE day apart from her goon after watching news stories every day about military wives who won't see their husbands for months. Oh and Jason READS to Courtney?? Let me rephrase that, Jason READS?? Let me guess, Michael's Africa book? And then they play a rousing game of chess? Someone said it earlier, this couple isn't any fun! Name any true super couple, and you can also name goofy, delightful scenes that made you believe they ENJOYED each other.

How stupid did the vaunted St. Jason look going to that alley?

What purpose does it serve for Zander NOT to have killed Pete, except make Cameron look like a total creep for waiting so long to tell him? I don't get it.

Courtney finds waitressing...empowering? She can't find another minimum wage job where she wouldn't have to put up with her boyfriend's ex getting up in her grill every day?

Speaking of Kelly's can't Liz be an Assistant Manager by now? I mean, she's worked there for six years.

Emily saying to Zander, "The wonder...the sheer luck of it all...makes me want to cry!" What teenager actually talks like this??

So...we're supposed to care that Jason's being accused of one murder he didn't commit (of exactly the kind of mobster low-life he WOULD kill) and be totally cool with all of the murders he DOES commit (because he takes no pleasure in it) And on the same day we see Jason about to kill Ric?? And let me get this straight, Sonny was gonna have Jason kill somebody in his own living room? What??

Carly JUST NOW puts it together that she only had one drink so she must have been drugged? JUST NOW?

I distinctly remember Jason telling Felicia that the closet was a lousy hiding place, yet there he goes.

That tacky picture Ric has up over his fireplace, and Elizabeth's on-the-nose dialogue, "Somewhere in this house is the key to the REAL Ric Lansing--could it be this cheesy, out-of-place picture of a ramshackle and idyllic home?"

Courtney the Spy sneaking into Faith's hotel room--in an ugly ass red jogging suit, no less. This is the girl that was "terrorized" by a stalker, but a mobster who's threatened her life, *shrug,* let's snoop around her place.

Zander flushing Emily's "drugs" down the toilet without bothering to read what was on the label--there was a label, I saw it...

Bobbie and Georgie's interplay came out of nowhere:Georgie: "I wish everyone would stop treating me like a child!"Bobbie: "Oh, don't take offense, sweetie, I talk to everyone like they were two-years-old!" And Bobbie was a bizarre talk-to on the subject of teenage "I'm invisible to boys" angst considering when she was Georgie's age, she was a 10 dollar whore. I'm just saying...

So Lucas isn't REALLY Georgie and Maxie's cousin...because he's ADOPTED? Real nice message, that.

REAL GH DIALOGUE ALERT: Rick: "I'm not one of the good guys." Liz's response: "Well in case you haven't noticed, those guys are pretty boring." On this show, yeah, we've noticed. Robert Scorpio wasn't boring! Frisco Jones wasn't boring!

Typcial Guza: Skye's been backburner for months but now he reveals she may not be a Quartermaine after all. Gee, wouldn't this have meant more to us if we'd seen her making in-roads with the family? If she actually HAD come to feel regarded as one of the family? Because as it stands, my reaction to the news is a shrug and a "whatever."

Is Emily supposed to be "brave" by keeping her mystery health problem a secret? Because she just comes off stupid to me.

Summer finds a secret Cassadine coin in the safe--what could it be? What significance could it hold? Is it a clue to the mystery of Summer's brother or does it serve an even deeper purpose--like a role in world domination!!!! Oh...wait, I'm sorry, I thought it was the 80s for a second....

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Zander to Emily about Kristina: "Poor kid, little does she know she's on her way to YOUR family."

Faith to Liz: "Fluff like you? Always gets blown away...in the end."

Tracy trying to remember Rae's name: "Gretel Rae...Cornpone? Cowpatty?"

Tracy to AJ: "My condolences on the death of your father. Oh wait, Rick Webber wasn't really your daddy. I'm sorry, I keep getting that wrong."

Drunk Maxie: "We're respondable...responsibly? We're ADULTS!"

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Nekkid Zander AND Nekkid Rick, Lucky in a tank top--ah, Spring! Keep that jacket on, "Mr. Serious Actor" Steve Burton--we don't need ya!

Liked the Brady Bunch moment when Georgie invents her boyfriend--too bad she didn't name him, "George! George...Glass!"

I loved Dillon and his movie-allusions. Very Remington Steele. But how long will it last? Our writers have very short memories...

I'm sick of mean Luke. I'm sick of mean Nik.I used to be a big Jax fan--but now he's just a big jerk

That Marge Simpson growl Tamara Braun makes to express displeasure is positivly BIZARRE.

Can't wait to see what the art department comes up with for Liz's artwork which is soon to decorate Rick's apartment. I hope it's better than those laughable portraits she did of JJ.

The background music has been awful--and drowned out the dialogue at points. I especially hate those super-loud guitar flourishes at the end of "big scenes." Uck, cool out Jill.

Rick Hearst and Cynthia Preston have crazy chemistry.

Wally looked great on Friday--dressing his own age. On Monday I could hear the wardrobe department, "This is too young for Greg Vaughan...let's give it to Wally." I'm surprised he wasn't wearing the backpack with it.

Courtney. Korte. Court. Korte. Court. Korte.

Peace! Christine

General Hospital week ending April 11, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

No one really blew me away this week, but I thought Chad Brannon was very good--earnest and determined to break down Emily's defenses, haunted by his brothers death, resentful of his father's indifference towards him. He was very subdued when he told Emily about Pete's death--a scene that he could have easily overacted in. I especially liked when Zander saw Cam at Kelly's and Chad was happy with Em, then "Oh shit, it's Dad," and then, sigh, waves him over. Not a big scene, but a nice scene because it was played well.

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Cynthia Preston on Tuesday--all the bullying stuff she did vs. Carly at the hospital was exquisite. She is so good at wringing the very most she can out of her lines, and she managed to be both menacing and witty, "Go ahead, SCARY LADY, Kill Me!" Fantastic!

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Tamara's "dizzy spell" on Thursday was pretty lame. Maurice deserves it simply for all the gum-chewing he was doing on Tuesday and Wednesday--such a cheesy and distracting affectation, and his clenched-teeth "Tell Me" to Faith when he once again called her a whore and a slut in front of the five families was unintentionally hilarious, just bad bad acting. BUT, I'm still inclined to give it to Wally Kurth again--he's just too "together" for a guy who thinks his daughter might have REALLY been kidnapped. If TPTB are REALLY in WK's corner, they'll stop trying to give him so much dark and heavy material--it's not his strong suit.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

I loved Cameron and Alexis waking up in each others arms and then doing the, "So, yeah, the baby...she's uh...over HERE, yeah," thing. I enjoyed all the scenes with the baby and give Natalia Livingston major props for continuing her little monlogue while Kristina dropped a rather vast amount of drool on her, LOL.

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Thursday in the warehouse when Jason was gonna "take the fall" for Sonny with the cops and Sonny insisted that NO, he wouldn't let that happen! And you know we're just supposed to be in total rapture over their manly, not-even-remotely-queer-yeah-right love for one another and their freaking "code" blah blah blah. Lame.

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?

Coltin continues to not suck, I continue to be surprised.

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

WTF of the YEAR is Carly getting pregnant in the first place when the really great, classic soap opera story is Carly holding the secret truth that Alexis has borne the child--Sonny's child--that Carly knows she never can. THAT'S a good story! This is just boring. And as many others have already commented throughout the week HOW many times are we gonna have to go through the "Oh i was so worried about the baby" thing until November? UGH! That TPTB really think the birth of Sonny and Carly's child (Morgan, gag me) is a November SWEEPS event? Yeah, I'll bet the ad dollars are already flooding in...

Jason figuring EVERYTHING out--he knows Ric's up to no good, he knows Ric must have *something* on Carly, he knows Jax isn't in on Faith's plot, He knows Edward bankrolled Faith's hit, he knows if you've been bad or good so be good for goodness sakes, UGH.

The dialogue was especially childish and dreadful on Wednesday--Jason to Ric: "You're such a LIAR. You have no honor and you're such a liar. And you know what else? You're a suck up and a LIAR", so it was particularly funny that this was the ONLY day in which we got credits so I'd know who to blame--Frank South sucks. Although it's admittedly hard to properly critique GH's dialogue when nobody bothers to memorize it...

Mind numbing Journey scenes: "Do as Borg say--stay in penthouse." "GOD, okay, but like, not FOREVER."

And what's up with Courtney's redecorating the penthouse the day after her bestest pal and sister-in-law almost DIED. What kind of person is in the mood to buy vases and punching bags between hospital visits to a close friend who a) almost died and b) is still desperately worried she might miscarry?

Jason's reaction to the "new" penthouse irritated me. I realize that Korte and Kompany love this idea of Simple Jason who teaches us how silly we are, with our decorated homes and our non-murdering jobs, but he lived in the knick-knackified Love SHack with Courtney, he lived in Robin's cottage, he lived in the Godfather Penthouse with Carly's constant redecorating...did he have to be so, "Borg no understand candles and vases, Borg just lay down on floor after playing pool"?

Guza takes another trip to the recycle bin and has Lucky deck Nik who then falls and hits his head resulting in a scary head injury--happened 4 or 5 years ago with JJ and Tyler at the Spencer house (Nik fell down the stairs, if I recall correctly)

"Our hero" Jason threatening both Jax and Edward with cold-blooded murder--and we're *supposed* to be on HIS side. Then Emily shows up, "Oh Jason, you scamp! Are you gonna kill grandfather? Well I'm SURE he deserves it!"

Summer being all righteous and indignant after Lucky wondered if she only slept with him because Nik paid her. Uh...you ARE a hooker and a liar, Summer, you gotta admit there's some reasonable doubt here.

Sonny running down Jax because he "doesn't want to get his hands dirty" and in the same breath ordering JASON to go kill him.

Why does everyone assume Alexis and Cameron are close? We the viewers have been privy to some fraught-with-subtext exchanges, but unless Scott and Alan etc. were big "Santa Barbara" fans, I can't figure out why they'd think Cam and Alexis were anything more than doctor/patient or friends.

If Sonny's *that* worried about Carly falling down the steps, maybe he should pick up Michael's toy truck off the stairs...

Carly's whole "eating is such a drag," thing. Uh, the one not-crazy thing Sonny is doing is trying to get you to, if not feed your own bony-ass self, then at least feed your "precious" baby. Plus she just spent a couple days in the hospital--real food looks REAL good after that.

Sonny has a drunken-psychotic breakdown in which he brandishes a gun and almost shoots his pregnant wife in the face--but thank God Michael isn't anywhere near AJ!

Would Cameron REALLY still have HUNTING RIFLES displayed at his cabin after Pete's death?? REALLY?

Gee, I just can't WAIT to see if Courtney gets her act together and learns to obediently go to her room when she's told to just like Carly does!

Ric meeting his "secret" partner Faith at the freaking docks, the day after he took pictures of Jax and Faith at that same spot--so in other words, he KNOWS how very unsecret a place it is.

Even though Kin Shriner continues to levitate his material, it's distressing to watch him become a cartoon blow-hard. A few weeks ago I complained that Bobbie had become Amy--now Scott's becoming Taggart.

I don't get why Skye and Jax are together all the time.

I like Sonny going nuts and having a breakdown as a CONCEPT, but in execution, it's a pitiful mess: SNAFU, as they say in the military. A real soap would at least have Carly contacting NMHA or going to nostigma.org or something, getting some advice from Bobbie about how her husband needs therapy but won't ever go. Instead we get harmful messages like co-dependancy=love. Enabling=loyalty. If you really really care about someone, your love can bring about the right chemical balance in their brain! In the same vein, Carly comforting Sonny after he almost shoots her, "Ohh, my poor widdle baby! Did Mama's little boy almost kill his wife? Did he?" Gag.

Liz was waaaay too flirty with Zander on Wednesday.

Carly telling Courtney to put the gun away in a lockbox, that Sonny undoubtedly has the key for, in SONNY'S bedroom in order to keep it away from him. And isn't Sonny a freaking MOBSTER? Likely to have access to many guns should he so desire? Yet Carly's fretting because he took "THE gun," you know, the loaded one!

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Luke to Penny as he steals money from the Kelly's cash register: "Just tell Bobbie I needed the cash for an emergency trip to Bermuda--oh, and don't mention Bermuda for about 24 hours!"

Jax: "Jason. I see you're wearing your serious face--then again, it's hard to tell the difference."

Faith referring to Carly's unborn baby as "The Godfather Part 2."

Sonny to Courtney: "I don't want you to talk!" WORD!

Taggart: "Can anybody explain this to me??" Would if I could, Marcus

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

Does ANYONE know their proper relationship to Kristina? Last week Alexis called Nik the baby's uncle even though they're cousins, this week Emily calls Kristina her "second cousin, once removed, or whatever." If Kristina really WAS Ned's daughter, that would make Emily her FIRST cousin, once removed.

Throw it, THROW IT! Sonny threw a cell phone instead of a shot glass, but I'm counting it.

Here's something for fun--pick a character who SHOULDN'T have that much money and/or interest in fashion and count how many different jackets they own. Zander has worn at LEAST four seperate jackets in the last week or so--makes no sense to me.

If there's anything MORE awkward than watching Steve Burton and Alicia Leigh Willis kiss, I never want to see it. They are the POLAR opposite of hot.

I thought Maurice looked better when he was unshaven.Wally Kurth looked a HECK of lot better on the Soap Opera Digest Awards than he looks on GH these days--what gives?

MAN that was an ugly sweater Nicolas was wearing--not very Cassadine at all.

If I'm ever drowning in icy water or trapped under a car I'd sure want Alicia Leigh Willis and her giant man arms there to save me

What was with the Dark Shadows-like twangy synthesizer music during Sonny's Tuesday meltdown?

Courtney mentioning to Michael that Rosie's with Mrs. De Rosa who "really needs the company right now." Great, even when missing from the canvas, the dog has more of a storyline than Tony, Bobbie and Mac!

Jason and Courtney couch sex was especially gross since it's been established that THEY know Sonny likes to barge in unannounced whenever he feels like it--and did we NEED to see them buttoning up and tucking in after? It just grossed me out.

Sonny's "Carly and Jason are both DEAD" nightmare was another winner for me--have it all the time

And don't get me started on Zander's busting through the window with lovin' on his mind

Peace! Christine

Survivor 6.8 What if they had an episode of Survivor, and nothing happened?

What if they had an episode of Survivor, and nothing happened? Topping last week's episode would be no small feat but this one didn't come close--everyone pretty much agrees that if Dave doesn't win immunity he's toast. Spider, bicker, spider Reward. Monkey, spider, fake boobs Immunity. Dave doesn't win immunity. He goes home. The End. Sigh, okay, I suppose you want details?
The mood is light at Camp John le Carré as Deena and Rob exult in ousting Roger last night. He's left behind a pair of underwear and they have a ceremony where they throw it up tree as some sort of tribute to their victory. I think it's intended to humiliate Roger but it's Deena and Rob who look pathetic. Deena gloats, "Roger was a sexist arrogant MAN and everything is so much better now that he's gone. The sexist arrogant woman goes on, "I feel fairly in control of the game. I'm running 100 mph and my panties are on fire but I'm still in control." Gee Deena, you might want to have that looked at. Clearly NOT enjoying the festivities is Dave who concedes, "Last night was rather unexpected. It's the perfect example of how no one really knows what's going on in this game." Actually, it was a perfect example of how YOU had no idea what was going on in this game, Dave.
Dave and Butch decide to build a boat dock for their fellow tribesmen. It pretty much consists of cutting down a few trees and laying them next to each other in the water. When one of the falling logs gets hung up in a tree, Dave shinnies up to dislodge it, and back at camp, the others make fun of him. Actually Rob makes fun while the girls ogle Dave's rippling muscles. Rob bitterly complains about how jealous he is of Dave's physical prowess and charm--all the girls want to get with him, he whines. Rob is one of those people who needs an enemy and in a few weeks will no doubt be plotting to vote out that one really superior sloth who "thinks he's so hot.". Up the tree, Dave shouts, "Boo yah." Yeah, he needs to go, which is the consensus of everyone. Dave isn't too worried, "I'm a hard-worker, I'm dedicated and friendly with everyone...that's gotta count for something, right?" Okay, I know I keep asking this but seriously, HAVE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE EVER WATCHED THE SHOW?
Monchichi! Monchichi! Oh so soft and cuddley! And kicking it at John le Carré!
In an amusing subplot, Sir Matt has become obsessed with sharpening his machete and it's freaking everyone else out. "I just like to let Mr. Machete know how much he means to me," he coos. Deena tries to make light of it, "You're not gonna, heh heh, kill us all, are you Matt?" Matt's not-so-comforting response: "Oh, you needn't worry about that, dear girl. For you see, I can't abide the sight of human blood--or any blood, really. So...much...blood...everywhere...can't...wash...it...off..." Wouldn't a better answer go something like, "You don't have to worry about that, Deena, because I'm not a murderer,"? Rob is convinced Matt might behead them all at Tribal Council when he's finally ousted. For the record, I could live with one or two deaths, should it come to that.
REWARD LIMERICK
If you want to win a small treat
Then you'll have to stay on your feet
The longer you stretch
The more flags you'll catch
And you'll have some ice cream--how neat!
The Reward Challenge is for a few hours of rest, a cold bath, and like, two desserts--in other words, one of the weakest rewards I can remember in a long time, especially considering how grueling this challenge is. The Survivors are first put in three teams of three: Christy Rob and Butch vs. Dave Deena and Alex vs. Matt Jenna and Heidi. They are attached to one another and a bungee and have to stretch out into a pool of disgusting muddy water in order to collect some flags. By the time they get out to the farthest flags, the bungee's tension is almost insurmountable and everyone is snapped back into the muck. Deena, Dave and Alex win and then must compete against one another. Dave wins rather easily and when he's offered the chance to take someone else he takes Deena. Jenna is disappointed but surprisingly doesn't attempt to prostitute herself for that banana split. Dave and Deena pig out, giggle and bathe. Dave approaches Deena, "It doesn't take a rocket scientist, which I AM, to figure out that I'm totally screwed--can you please help me?" Deena revels in her power as ALPHA FEMALE and pretends to be concerned, "Dave, it's pretty much out of my hands--everyone's so threatened by your awesome physical and mental strength!" "Yeah, I know." "Tell you what I'm gonna do: I'll make some phone calls and see if any alliances are hiring. Do you have a resume I can keep on file?" Dave is dead meat.
Back at John le Carré, camp sluts Jenna and Heidi giggle when Alex and Rob offer to help them wash themselves off. Then they flirt with the cameraman as they bitch about how bad they wanted the banana split but then Jenna shrugs, "Oh well--we don't need the fat!" even though a skeleton has more curves than either Heidi or Jenna, whose shoulder blades are probably sharper than Sir Matt's machete. Jenna huffs, "Dave brought Deena for, like, strategic reasons? I mean, why else would he pick HER over US? I totally would have taken a bath with him for his share of the banana split." "I'd do it for nothing!," Heidi chirps. Rob has taken to calling the pair "Twigs and Sticks," and gazes longingly after the bathing girls, "Twigs and sticks are really hot," he high-whispers "but I wonder if they'd actually talk to me in real life. I never forget that, that they might be trying to use their sexuality to get me to make love--I mean, make MISTAKES that I wouldn't normally breast."
Deena and Dave return from their day of Reward in an inexplicably cranky and demanding mood. When Alex mentions he's about to cook dinner, Deena huffs, "I slave all day, eating ice cream and shining on Dave about his chances and I expect to come home to find dinner COOKED and waiting on the ground!" then she snaps at Jenna about how hungry she is and Jenna tells us, 'I was like, shut up you fat pig. You just had ice cream and now you're bitching about how you need more manioc?" I hate agreeing with Jenna, it makes me feel...dirty. Xtina Aguilera dirrty. But Jenna's right, Dave and Deena are being insufferable and then they make it even worse by saying the ice cream was all melty so it wasn't that good--puhleeze. At least neither of them offered anyone a sucked-on mint.
That night, Rob wallows in stalkeresque rage as he watches snuggle-buddies Dave and Heidi roll around in the dark, "Maybe if there weren't any good-looking guys in the tribe, I'd have a shot at getting to sleep with Heidi!" Psst, Rob, chicks did self-respect--just something to think about. The next morning, Rob makes me giggle when he complains about how the local gnats like to swarm around their dirty heads as if it was Studio 54. He tries SO hard and once an episode, he makes me laugh. Intentionally, that is to say. The visual of everyone's gnat-cloud was pretty amusing too.
Of Rats and Psychotic Robots
Rob takes Sir Matt for a walk and despite the really strong "Of Mice and Men" vibe, doesn't wind up killing him. Matt blithers, "I truly appreciate the bosom friendship I have with dear Robert. He is ever so skilled at conversing with others and he knows this silly game better than anyone--which is quite helpful as I am clueless!" Yes. Yes you are. Rob makes sure Matt's willing to vote out nice-guy Butch should Dave win immunity and Matt is onboard--anything for you, Rob. Rob has Matt believing that they are a Final Three alliance with Alex. "Rob, old chap, I shan't ever betray you and I trust you feel as strongly about our friendship as I!" Rob's only strong feeling at the moment is abject terror of becoming Filet O' Rob courtesy of Mr. Machete when his duplicity is revealed.
IMMUNITY LIMERICK
We've got some minutes to fill
so....paint these big masks..uh, with skill!
In the end it don't matter
They're all bound to shatter
But paint them like you even still
Everyone gets a giant ugly mask to decorate like themselves. Butch's has glasses. Jenna laments not having a mirror and tries to remember what she looks like--then paints it bright orange. Yet they think MATT's the one losing it. Dave paints a cartoon word bubble on his so that his mask is saying, "Boo Yah." Yeah, he really needs to go.
For the Challenge, everyone answers questions about the Amazon and if they get a right answer, they get to cut a rope corresponding to one of the others' masks. Three chops and a big poll is released that shatters the mask. This is the same challenge--at the same stage of the game--that alerted 4th season's Neleh and Paschal to the Smuggly plan to oust them once Vecepia, Kath and Sean were gone. This time, It's not nearly as pivotal as Jeff tries to make it seem. Sir Matt is surprisingly cut loose before Dave but once Dave is eliminated, meh, who cares, right? The guys don't seem to care that the girls take great pride in eliminating the boys--a sign of things to come? Rob fails to answer a single question right and when he tries to make a joke, Jeff --afraid that his uncoolness might be contagious--dismisses him, "Take a step back, lame-ass." This was actually the worst possible contest for Dave, who didn't have a prayer of winning with everyone ganging up on him. Jenna wins immunity and seems genuinely jazzed about wearing the purty necklace.
Just to make it a little interesting, Matt freaks out the tribe by carving up his old sneakers with Mr. Machete, "So I can turn them into sandals, eh heh." Matt's face reminds me of the Nazi's in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," right when they start to melt, there I said it. Dave tries to trick Alex into sending him a "sympathy vote", but Alex isn't buying and effectively tells Dave not to leave behind any underwear, if you catch my drift. Rob voices his concern about Heidi's loyalty to Deena and Jenna, "They were like, totally embracing last night!" Jenna sighs like it's no big deal, "Dave ALWAYS embraces Heidi--I don't know how she feels about him, like, PERSONALLY." For the record, if I was cuddling with a tribemember all night, you could be pretty damned sure that I LIKED the guy, but Jenna and Heidi are playing by their own Skank code, when any and all male attention is eagerly welcomed despite the cost to one's own inner state of self-worth. When Dave tries to lobby Heidi for three more days in camp she shrugs, "Yeah, I guess it would be cool to make-out with you for three more days, especially since Sir Matt has the next-best body after you and his face is all melty plus he's a psycho." "Uh...are you saying you're just gonna sleep with Matt once I'm gone?" "What? Uh...Deena might vote against Matt." "I know she will." "Oh she TOTALLY will, that's what I mean," Heidi glances nervously at the cameraman, like he might actually say, "Yo, Cal Tech, she's totally playing ya, dude!"
TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jeff asks Sir Matt if he's fitting in better with John le Carré than he did at Timbuktu. "Oh it is most assuredly so, Jeff. People listen to me and Mr. Machete. In fact, people can't stop watching us and they're always whispering and pointing--its great." Rob's eye-rolling and snickering is not lost on Jeff, who puts him on the spot, "A lot of facial expressions as Matt spoke, you care to elaborate?" Rob puts his Eddie Haskell bit into overdrive, "Gee Mr. Probst, I was just marveling at how far Sir Matt has come--he was such a loner before, and it made me truly sad and I am just SO proud of his progress and how well he's fitting in, Jeff." Deena seems tickled and impressed at Rob's ability to lie so quick and smooth like that. When Jeff asks Heidi about how the immunity game played out, Heidi hyuks, "It sure was interesting how the girls wound up going all the way to the end while the boys eliminated themselves!" Dave looks despondent. Matt reacts sharply but I think it must have been something Mr. Machete said because Matt doesn't pay attention to what's happening around him, as a rule. Jeff asks Sir Matt if his feelings were hurt when the girls made sure he was first out of the Immunity Challenge, "Uh...I don't know. Rob, should I be worried?" "Nah." "I'm not worried at all Jeff. Thanks for the "save," as you might dub it." "Anytime, sucker. And by sucker, I mean, friend," Rob winks. Matt beams, "See, Mr. Machete? I told you we'd make a friend eventually." Dave hopes he won't be voted out but knows its possible. Jeff wonders if Dave's "plea" (it wasn't a plea, in point of fact) might sway the vote and Deena tries not to laugh, "Oh, *snicker* sure Jeff, anything's *hee hee* possible!" Jeff gives Jenna the chance to give away the immunity necklace but she refuses, "It's pretty, Jeff, and it means I'm like, queen of the tribe? So I'm gonna keep it." Even Butch votes for doomed Dave, who loses in an 8-1 landslide. Jeff sends the remaining campers home, "Get out of my face, you big bunch of liars." I think Jeff is tiring of his job.
Dave is now the first member of the all-important jury. He joins he-of-the-coconut-phone Greg, "I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face" Alicia, wrongfully-accused-of-conspiring-against-Lex Kelly, Aggressively Nude Crybaby Smuggly-King John and last year's big on boob, short on personality Erin. Next time, despite previews of Rob wanting to flex his power against Alex and Deena, I think Butch still goes home. Alex is an interesting possibility because Rob is threatened by his looks and charisma while Deena is threatened by his strength and his alliance with Rob, but I still think they're gonna stick to the plan and oust Butch. Matt still thinks he's in with the in crowd so he won't be any help, nor will Christy who probably thinks Deena wants an all-girl final four. Which she MAY. I think Deena is tempted by that idea, but ultimately wants all her girls on the jury to vote for her against Rob, who has attached some sort of personal significance to being the last guy standing, whether he wins or not. We'll find out tonight!
Peace! Christine :D

General Hospital week ending April 4, 2003

(a) Who gave the consistently best performances this week?

The role of Emily Quartermaine is now being played by Natalia Livingston. I thought she did a magnificent job, she was completly at ease with her family and friends, sufficiently distant from AJ (she's always been a big gag-me with a heated crack-spoon Jason worshipper), awkward, torn, drawn to Zander. I never doubted for a second that she and GV crossed the country together as kids--even though both actors are new to their parts. She had chemistry with everyone (esp GV, I thought), she took control of her character, she let us see doubt and deceit flicker underneath her brave face--what a great debut and a great start at filling some awfully big shoes.

(b) Who gave the best single performance this week?

Robin Christopher was great when Alexis was twisting the knife about the abduction, she was nervous and lying and panicked and fearful and guilt-ridden all at once, great work. HM to Michael Sutton. "Robin....I SEE YOU!" Gets me every damned time.

(c) Who gave the single WORST performance this week?

Maurice didn't seem even remotely surprised when Carly was brought into the ER, but he wasn't that bad the rest of the week so the prize goes to:Tamara Braun, for playing Friday as the Earth Mother of Port Charles, make-up and hair just spiffy, voice soft and gentle--a little croaky but nothing to indicate that CARLY ALMOST DIED LAST NIGHT! It was all the more jarring as they cut back to a make-up free, death-warmed over Cynthia Preston lying exhausted in bed, her hair a ratty tangle behind her. Then to Carly, radiating maternal light and virtue, not a hair out of place, sitting up in bed, refusing to drink yucky orange juice for the baby's sake like she's in some Julia Roberts romantic comedy instead of acting like someone who almost stroked out hours ago--she didn't even ask Burton for "I've got a headache" lessons. Just annoying as hell, she is.

(d) What was the single BEST scene this week?

Well, Big Alice manhandling Cameron was pretty hilarious, LOL. I absolutley loved Friday when Alexis was getting conflicting advice from her new friend Cameron and her old friend Luke (remember?) about what she should do about Edward's custody of her baby. Luke, the devil on one shoulder, was telling her to run off, live on the run--it's fun! Lots of people do it! Cameron was the angel on the other, telling her to believe in the law and in him and in herself and stay to fight. It was well-acted, it was playful at times, true to the charcaters, utterly enjoyable. And, Kristina's DNA aside, it had nothing to do with the Mob.

HM: Rick Hearst's evil little "catch me if you can" smile and wink to Skipper and the Borg as he got into the elevator was divine

(e) What was the single WORST scene this week?

Courtney and Liz on Tuesday. Liz, believing Jason and Courtney's fake break, is suddenly BFF with Courtney--WHY?? And then of course it degenerates into them arguing about who's break-up with Jason was better, lol, (It's Robin, for the record) and then Courtney UNBELIEVABLY decides, rather than just say, "God, just back off, I don't wanna talk about it," she decides to describe this elaborate epiphany she's had about how Jason's addiction to Sonny--er, DANGER, that is, is just like her father's gambling problem. Why would Courtney bother to go into that much detail about her life to someone SHE HATES? Especially when she doesn't even believe what she's saying?? Just yucky all around.

(f) Who or what surprised you the most this week?Actually, how balanced the show was. There was a lot of Q stuff, a lot of Alexis/Cameron stuff, a lot of non-mob stuff and it made the week tolerable. Also, how honest ABC was in labeling the 20 seconds a day devoted to GH of the past: "Stolen Moments." Stolen from Bob and Chuck, that is.

And lastly, how Mind-Blowingly Boring Wednesday was. I expected it to blow, I expected it to insult me, I expected it to pimp the Friggin Four at the expense of all others, living or dead. But I really, truly did not expect it to just...lay there. Notice how the harder the boys try to make it AN EVENT, the harder it sucks (Thanksgiving, New Years)? I really truly believe they're smoking out. I'm sure GH is pretty good when you're baked. They probably have this flagged as next year's Emmy submission

(g) Biggest WTF moment of the week?

WHERE THE HELL IS COURTNEY'S "BELOVED" DOG??

If Ned was beaten SO badly on Monday that it was dubbed "attempted murder" on Tuesday, how come he was just dandy on Wednesday? He didn't even bother to touch his ribs every now and again and wince like Mr. Burton...

What was the big rush on Carly's stupid plan? Why did Jason RUSH to have the meeting with Faith before making sure Sonny knew it was a set-up? And what did the fact that Sonny DIDN'T know really cost them? Nada, of course. That'd be payoff--can't have that!

Taggart saying, "Sonny minus his cool--never thought I'd see the day." But...Sonny loses his cool EVERY DAY!

Sonny demanding that he be allowed to talk to Faith as soon as she woke up. Um...you're not a cop or a relative, Sonny. Turns out.

Sonny: "So, let me underscore this for all the stupid people out there: You're saying, in order to save my wife...I have to sacrifice my baby??" Yes, Sonny, that's what was said SEVERAL times earlier. And then of course, its not even true. And Monica saying, "I know how difficult this is for you, Sonny." So do I! Because I've seen this EXACT same story on this EXACT same show a few years ago only with a better Carly!

Jason menacing Faith by pulling on his black gloves--what a lame-ass.

Carly almost dies. Bobbie shows up for 2 minutes, no sign of the three Lucases--or is that Lucasi? BTW, have Carly and Lucky shared more than 3 or 4 scenes together during the entire course of Carly's existence on the GH canvas?? I don't get it.

Sonny's "deal" with God: "If you spare this baby, I'll do everything in my power--except stop murdering people and stealing and whatnot--to keep it safe!" For the record, Sonny, God doesn't need your promises or your help, you arrogant creep.

AJ menacing Skye. We can't have this one little friendship?

Luke rubbing Lucky's nose in Luke's date with Summer? I didn't buy it for a nanosecond.

Leaving the giant dominoes and the chessboard and the clocks and the giant key at the Love Nest--just one more reason to hate Journey, they abandon their beloved knick knacks

Carly comforting Sonny while she lays in a hospital bed cramping and bleeing and maybe suffering a miscarriage, comforting him through HER ordeal. Uh, Sonny? This is actually all happening TO HER

Jason insisting that HE was gonna make the decision about Carly's baby--sweetie, that "family" Carly keeps raving about ain't one in the eyes of the law.

I'm surprised TPTB didn't have her blood pressure magically go down after being touched by Jason's Sacred Borg Tears.

Carly wanting to name the baby Morgan--GAG ME!!!!!

Alexis to Nik: "Say hello to your niece!" Am I crazy, or are Nik and Kristina cousins?

(h) Line of the week, if there was one?

Luke: "You won't like what happens next!" WE KNOW!

Cameron: "The Quartermaines want to impress each other or destroy each other?"Alexis: "Both."Cameron: "Fascinating."

Loved when Sonny confronted Faith about peeking into Carly's room and she shrugged him off with, "My doctor says I'm supposed to walk."

Monica to Emily: "Did ya miss us?" I sure did!

(i) Got any shallow thoughts to share?

I loved when ALexis started off with Edward by saying, "You listen to me, old man..." I like it when she gets tough.

I love Jason's "Hands off, Bitch!" body language whenever Ric's around
Sonny

Steve Burton sure woke up as soon as Natalia showed up! Too bad he has more chemistry with his sister than "the love of his life," cuz this ain't a Bell show

Chad Brannon is HOT LIKE FIRE! So is Greg Vaughan! Tyler Christopher is coming back! Yay!

Watching Carly drown: nice while it lasted!

Loved Cameron defending Alexis's behavior to Monica and when he said, "How would you have reacted if your baby had been in a burning building?" I wanted her to say, "Uh...are we talking Jason or AJ? Because it depends."

Ned came off so emasculated this week--first with the beating, then when he tried to be all tough at the Police Station, "I'll fill out the paper work, THAT'S RIGHT, Sonny, I think I'll go over there and start filling it out RIGHT NOW!" The fact that Wally likes this story just proves my theory: Most actors are kinda dumb. Hey, I never said it was an especially original theory

Sonny went YET another week without throwing a glass but he DID do a lot of kicking--first Ned, then those pesky PCPD file cabinets. Kick it Mo, KICK IT!

Now that I know he's leaving, Coltin doesn't bother me at all--he's actually doing pretty good work. It's one-note, but he does it well.

I like the character names on the credits, but Why oh WHY is Mac still wearing that stupid turtleneck? And S&C AND Journey kissing? Pleh. I love how they kept the Puerto Rico boat thing in there: "Remember how nine years ago we actually went somewhere cool? That was awesome!"

Christine

Survivor 6.7 No Surprise? What a lovely surprise! :D

Well Burnett and Co. mixed it up a little and so did our players and the result was the most satisfying episode of Survivor since Neleh and Paschal wised up to the Smugglies plan to string them along and then eliminate them back in season 4. The ballyhooed Battle of the Sexes is replaced by a subtler triumph of brain over bully as Deena and Rob marshal their forces and shake-up the playing field. Nothing like this happened ALL last season when we kept hoping in vain that Helen and Ted and Jan would win a clue in a reward challenge and oust Clay or Brian. What made it even sweeter was CBS TOLD us Roger was doomed throughout the episode. Rather than try to trick us with the traditional red herring, they chose to ENTERTAIN us by showing Roger's downfall and a heck of a lot of intrigue and strategizing.

Night at Jabber Jaw. Deena's missing Shawna's personality a little, while Rob is missing her rack a lot, though he thinks her departure is in alliance-mate Alex's best-interests. Despite CBS propaganda which claimed Alex would be a wreck, he seems very out-of-sight, out-of-mind about the whole thing. The Jabbers hold a tribe meeting where its decided the boys will go back to Roger, Dave and Butch and tell them that they've been loyal to Clan Testosterone. Rob wants to make sure Heidi and Christy will vote their way. Jenna replies, "Heidi I like, totally trust but Christy is like, deaf? So you can't trust her--you can't even TALK to her!" They all agree to go after physically-stronger Dave first. Rob revels in the concept of an outnumbered-Roger, "Once we get rid of Dave the whole house of cards will fall and it'll be like, "shut up Roger! Shut up Roger! Stop telling us what to do Roger!" Careful Rob, your inferiority complex is showing...

Next morning the Jabbers go to get the mail and Rob does an impersonation of the AOL computer voice, "You've got tree mail." Deena gushes, "Can I just THANK YOU for making these last several days so enjoyable? You are HILARIOUS!" I just don't get it. Maybe if I didn't have TV for three weeks, I'd become desperate enough to praise Rob...nah. Tree Mail yields the key to the magical mystery box we saw in episode one and everyone sprints back to camp to open it.

Magical Mystery Box Merger Rip-Off Limerick

There once was a box and a key
It was billed as a big mystery
but when it was opened
despite, all our hopin'
the game didn't change even slightly

All that's in the box is instructions on merging as a one tribe. So, all the fuss about the BOX turns out to be much ado about a merge which has occurred every freaking season at this EXACT same spot in the game. Last year turned out to be slightly different when the tribes came to live together but still had to compete against one another. Regardless, the box seems to have been a big Survivor mind game. The Survivors learn that they have to build another shelter which pisses off Rob and I don't blame him. The merging tribes haven't had to build a new shelter since season 2 when Jerri bossed everyone into building on the dry riverbed because it was soft--remember how THAT turned out? Jenna is nervous about the merge and Deena gets everyone to sign a loyalty oath proclaiming their fidelity to her--that is to say, New Jabber Jaw. The plan is to vote out Dave, then Roger, then Butch, get it got it good.

Jeff meets the two tribes and gives them new, red buffs. Everyone pays close attention and he says the words--they have MERGED into ONE new tribe, and all reward and immunity challenges will be individual now. Jeff's wearing the blue shirt I love so much. Everyone who STILL hasn't really met introduces themselves to one another as they make their way to their new camp. Upon arrival, they discover a huge feast of chicken, hot dogs, salsa, cookies and Coors Light--Tap the Rockies! Man that product placement is contagious. I was happy to see everyone get to eat:) Dave recounts, "It was great to make new friendships and enjoy the meal--no one was thinking about who they wanna vote out, everyone just wanted to celebrate!" that's because they're all pretty much in agreement that you should be next to go, Davey Boy. Deena suggests they name the tribe after novelist John le Carré, I don't know why.

Everyone is having a wonderful time so, inevitably, Roger has to step in and put a stop to it. He starts packing up the feast while everyone else is still trying to enjoy it and begins barking orders left and right. When the boys make a big deal about keeping the beer on ice in a cooler they've made of raincoats, Roger flips out and begins tossing the beer out and putting food in. While I agree with his priorities, his behavior couldn't be more wrong or more ill-timed. Alex confides, "The problem with Roger is he's an ASS." He tries to placate ranting Roger, as does Butch. Butch comes off as Roger's long-suffering wife. A wild-eyed Roger circles-up the group and decrees, "FALL IN! Time to assign duties, people!" It's difficult for some of the kids to keep a straight face, especially when he butts heads with Deena. Deena suggests moving the camp to higher ground because they're supposed to be 150 feet from the swamp in order to protect themselves from crocodiles. Her language is all group-dynamic perfect, by the way--"I'd suggest" "My concern with that is" Deena does a really good job of NOT coming off like the domineering egotist we know she is when talking to her fellow Survivors, I'll give her that. Roger blows her off, "Pshaw, little girl, ain't no caiman coming this far up!" "Uh, objection, your honor, my training said they DO," Deena insists. "Overruled, girlie! Crocodiles sleep at night! Case closed!" Rob grins as Roger lets his jerk flag fly for all to see, and he praises Deena, "I have a lot of respect for her--she's a smart woman, a lawyer, and she can argue her way around anything." I have to admit that Rob's decision to ally with Deena impresses me. It's a smart move, and I thought for sure he'd be more apt to suck up to the Panty Princesses (who probably intimidate him). Roger insists the group is staying where they are and Alex throws his hands up in defeat, "Okay, I just wanted everyone to be part of that decision." Alex is regaining his likeability now that Shawna isn't around to skank him up. We're not dating anymore, but I think we can still be friends.

Rogerloo

Roger takes control of the shelter-building, and unilaterally decides that the women would not take part in actual laying of the foundation or in fact, anything beyond gathering palm fronds and logs that the menfolk have already chopped down. He snaps at everyone while Deena complains, "Men...ya gotta love 'em. I mean, you NEED them...theoretically. Grrr, build shelter. Rarrrrh, establish a perimeter!" Hee hee, she was pretty funny. I hope Deena lasts until the "Hey, it's a loved one!" reward or whatever, I'm dying to get a look at her husband, just to see how whipped he is. Christy and Deena are pretty bent about not being allowed to build the shelter--an interesting attitude from people who chose to sleep in the rain for a week the first time they were supposed to complete such a task. Plus...am I crazy or wouldn't if be great to NOT have to do any of the work? Maybe I'm just lazy. When Christy tries to help with the building process, Roger pats her on the head and shouts, "THAT'S CUTE, CHRISTY. BUT THIS IS MAN'S WORK. GO HELP THAT PUSSY ROB WITH SLICING PALM FRONDS!" Rob seethes at Roger but uses his time to chat up Christy and Heidi and work his, "Oh, I'm so afraid of Roger--please take pity on me and protect me" bit on Deena and Jenna, who seem to be buying it. He's such a little bastard, but they suck too. It's kind of a wash.

Deena, Heidi and Jenna meet to discuss strategy. Deena insists they have to start voting out the stronger males, making Dave the obvious choice for ouster. Heidi wants Roger out first, and she and Jenna, legitimately, manage to convince Deena that Roger MUST go because he would never vote for a woman over a man should any of them wind up in the Finals against a boy. I hate giving them any credit whatsoever, but the Princesses are crafty. And unlike many PYT's who've come before them, they aren't gonna go out because they did nothing and expected to be dragged along. They're working the game. Elsewhere, Alex enjoys duping Roger into believing the boys are all on the same page about voting out the girls one by one. He declares, "It's all about new Jabaru--we'll get rid of the rest one by one and then fight it out amongst ourselves, right Matt?" "Oh, it is most definitely so, old man. The five us shall be true to the end." It sounds a bit Smuggly to me, though I'm intrigued by the possibilities--is Deena gonna screw over Matt/Alex in favor of Heidi? Will that piss off Rob? Or is this all part of his plan? Interesting. And there's still plenty of opportunity for Deena to go on a power trip or Rob to get distracted or obnoxious or for a completely new alliance to emerge. Tribe John le Carré raises its adorable alligator flag over their new camp.

I Hate Rob Cesterino

The younger set gets loaded and talks about sex. Rob makes a big deal to us about how everyone was having fun and bonding while Roger was off snoring but Deena, Matt and Butch don't appear to be taking part either. He also laments, "I was really disappointed that the girls didn't drink very much because the only way a loser like me has to score with a hot babe is for them to be drunk out of their mind." No argument here. Christy relates that the weirdest place she's ever had sex was at the Washington Monument during the Fourth of July fireworks. This impresses Jenna, who didn't realize deaf people HAD sex. Rob (whose confessionals this week are all being shot in an unflattering extreme close-up that makes him resemble a Jimmy Durante caricature in an old cartoon) whines, "I dislike Dave because he's slick and smart and good-looking, sniff," as we cut to Dave enthralling Heidi-Ho and Jenna-Whore with a tale about eating food off a girl's body. When the conversation turns to Rob he plays up his I-need-a-pity-lay bit and claims, "I have a lot of wild ideas, but most of my sex stories--and there are very few of them--but most of them involve me and a fat girl." Who SURELY regrets it, you pathetic insecure punk-ass creep. Like he's any freaking prize? Like he's what ANYONE aspires to? When Rob tells a story of two dates accidentally showing up at the same time (stolen from a sit-com and not his own life, I'd wager), Heidi coos, "Oh if you suggested it, it would like, SO have turned into a threesome--as a total skank I can assure you most women would be like, eager to do it with a big boy like you! Don't you agree Jenna?" "Oh, YEAH, totally," Jenna pouts, as they lather up Rob for the slaughter. All Rob can think of is Jenna and Heidi in his final threesome. I'm thinking some sort of nuclear holocaust might have to occur first--last man on earth, that kind of thing...

DO THEY HAVE TO SHOW TWENTY TARANTULAS EVERY FREAKING EPISODE?!?!

Next morning, Roger decides to wake everyone up by sharpening his machete. Yeah, he really doesn't understand this game. Rob and Deena meet in secret and revel in the fact that Roger is set to go out 7-3 if they can just keep immunity from him. Rob assures her, "I'm gonna keep kissing his ass so he doesn't suspect anything, plus I'm a weasel and I'm still afraid of him." Then he frets about Dave's charisma winning over the girls. Deena assures him that they're all pissed at Dave because he doesn't consider for a moment that the girls have a chance (I imagine Jenna can't wait to turn the tables on him after her massive tactical blunder on their "date"). Deena tells us, "It's not even about the girls vs. the guys anymore, it's about the weak vs. the strong and it just so happens that means a bunch of girls and a not-very-manly guy against a bunch of athletic men." Deena tells Rob her final three will include him and Jenna. Later, Deena and Jenna watch Sir Matt and Dave as they fish. Jenna is beginning to realize that they could both go very far in the game. Deena tells her, "Rob has an alliance with Alex so we need to think about getting rid of him to make Rob dependent on me--er, that is to say, us!" Then she shouts to the fishermen, "That's SUPER, boys! Keep up the GREAT work, you manly men you!" Jenna worries, "I may never win individual immunity. "Doesn't matter," Deena boasts, 'We've got this game in the bag." Then she rants to the camera, "Roger, Dave and Butch think they've got this whole game all sown up. Well, remember, there was Adam, and then there was Eve, and Eve got him to do what SHE wanted." Someone who lists the Bible as on of her favorite books should PROBABLY be aware of the fact that Eve isn't exactly the hero in that story. Yeah, good ol' Eve. I tell ya, she could defy God just as good as any man! She goes on, "You can't be cocky and think the girls are just gonna roll over and congratulate you, "Oh you guys played such a great game!" NO. We're not gonna lay down and die. This game is MINE!" Uh...I'm sorry what was that about...not being cocky?

Immunity Limerick

Stand on a post for the longest
The winner? Not always the strongest
In order to last
on food you must pass
Jumping off? That'd be the wrongest

The battle of wills, the contest that Tina won to secure Boron dominance and her eventual triumph in Australia. All players stand on a post in the water for as long as they can. Jeff warns them to swim quickly to his boat once they fall or jump as there are crocodiles in the river and Roger barks, "Girlie, they ain't no caiman in here!" Roger struggles to maintain his balance to the delight of most everyone else. Then, in what will go down as one of the most skanktacular moments in Reality Show history, Jenna offers, "I'll take my clothes off for some chocolate and some peanut butter!" Jeff produces a plate of Oreos, a bunch of peanut butter and two iced-cold "colas," and I have no idea why we're not pushing Coke anymore. Jenna disrobes, no doubt gunning for that post-Survivor Playboy er, spread. Bear in mind that she's getting the cookies and peanut butter for QUITTING the challenge, not for taking her clothes off. That's her own choice. What's even more odd is Heidi joins her in exposing herself. And, as Jeff points out, they don't try to coax any of the boys of the posts or anything. I mean, at least get some bang for your buck (naked).

Heidi-Ho Strip Poll (Pole?)

Heidi joined Jenna in taking off her clothes because:

A) She's a skanky ho, she don't know no better

B) She is Marci to Jenna's Peppermint Patty

C) She paid a lot of money for those things, they can't go to waste!

D) It was a misguided attempt to pay tribute to her home state of Missouri, the Show Me State

The girls sit on the boat eating their ill-gotten gain and just generally reveling in their ho-dom. Then Roger jumps off his log without even waiting for Jeff to offer him a food bribe, what a dummy. Thumbs-up are exchanged as everyone but the three amigos realizes the game is, in essence, over. The rain and wind kick up and Alex, Butch and Rob quit in order to share a pizza. Deena is unfazed by the elements and shouts at Jeff, "Is this all you got?" I kinda like Deena when she's not getting off on being Alpha Female...which is always. After 2 hours on the post, Dave and Sir Matt jump off for some Buffalo Wings, leaving only Christy and Deena. After another 40 minutes, Jeff offers spaghetti and meatballs and Christy asks if there's garlic bread. When Jeff says no, she shrugs at Deena, "No garlic bread." They decide to split the dinner and let Rock-Paper-Scissors decide who will wear the immunity necklace tonight. Christy's scissors are crushed by Deena's rock (c'mon, Christy, like Deena ISN'T gonna pick rock??). Jeff praises Deena's negotiating skills, "You got the immunity AND the food." Ah, don't encourage her, Probst.

The John le Carré's return from the challenge and debrief us. Alex things this was the best Immunity Challenge EVER: "Naked Chicks? Sweet. Pizza? Sweet. Roger losing? SWEET!" Dude, where's your vocabulary? Rob gloats, "The only ay Roger was gonna win that immunity challenge was if it was...name that Perry Como song...what type of prune is this or...something else only an old person would know." Alas, comedy's rule of three is to much for Rob to handle. Meanwhile, a clueless Roger shrugs, "It seems to easy but...it's all falling into place, the men are gonna vote out the weaker sex one by one." Jenna and Heidi are bursting with skank-pride over their display, "We are the ORIGINAL Survivor girls gone wild," Jenna snorts (Psst, you can't buy self-respect for a million dollars, fyi). Dave is confident, "All four of the females realize that they will be quickly eliminated because we men are sticking together. I don't think they're very surprised--6 beats 4." Yep and 7 beats 3, sucker! :D Funny how Dave got all the scoop on the girls from Jenna, but it's his lack of understanding of his male tribe's dynamic that may spell his doom. Rob predicts he will be the last of the men in the game, and he may be right.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Turns out that stupid rule about being to able to give your immunity to someone else is still in effect. It was a huge bust in the Marquesas and I predict the same here--it's too arrogant a gesture to imply that you DON'T need yourself. Butch, thinking he's speaking from power, tells Jeff that it's all inclusive and hunky dory at John le Carré. When Jeff asks Rob if he was complaining by stating that there's always someone in camp who'll tell you what to do, Rob lays it on REEEEAAAL thick, "No, I like being subservient to great leaders like Roger!" Jeff asks Deena if she was able to participate in building the shelter and she greatly amuses Christy when she answers with Roger's terminology, "You mean putting logs together on the four corners of the foundation? Uh, no. Which pissed me off. I mean, we built our own shelter at Jabaru. It took us 10 days and tore us apart as a tribe but we DID it. Eventually." Then she pointedly adds, "It did allow me to bond with everyone else so, I think it probably worked out for the best." Jeff says, "Roger, you look insufferably smug, do you have any parting wor--that is, to you have anything to add?" "These girlies don't know nothing about building nothing. It wouldn't have worked with them getting in the way. Sorry if their toes got stepped on, but that's how it was gonna be." The Survivors exchange looks of bemused contempt and anticipated vengeance. At home, everyone fears that Roger is a red herring--this is all too good to be true! Jeff wonders, "Jenna, what was up with your blatant sluttiness at the challenge?" "I'm just kind of a slut, Jeff," she winks. Jeff wonders if Roger would have stayed on that log longer if he REALLY thought he needed it and Roger's too over-confident to hear the alarm bells that question SHOULD be setting off: "Yeah," he shrugs, "I guess if I felt I REALLY needed it." What a goober.

Butch, Roger and Dave all vote for Christy which makes me angry at Butch. I know they're voting an alliance and Christy is strong but...still. After all his kind words >:0 Typically strident Deena sneers, "this is reality check and mate and never, EVER underestimate the power of a woman!" Rob does a pretty damned good impression of a Casey Kasem Long Distance Dedication, and I gotta give the boy props for that--it WAS funny. Roger goes down 7-3, causing Butch's mouth to drop open and Dave to almost cry! In his exit, Roger raves delusionally, "I'm strong, I'm a leader and I can't hold that back. I may have been outlasted, but I wasn't outplayed or outwitted." Except for the part where YOU WERE. Roger just misses the jury in the pivotal post-merge slot. None of us were prepared for Good Gretchen's ouster at the hands of the evil Tagi alliance (and her own tribe's stupidity). Then we had Jeffy Jeff (who like Roger jumped of the log when he should have stayed on), Clarence "Bean Can" Black, Evil Boston Rob (hee hee, still funny) and last year poor Shii Ann was screwed over by the game change. Argh! This spot has taken some our best and worst players. Next week, Dave will make a move but people are too threatened by him to listen, I think. He does have a good shot at immunity though, so Butch might go in his place. I still think we're in for more changing alliances, but don't think things will change to much in three days. The commercials warm of Matt going nutzo, but I think Deena and Jeff will keep him around until they feel safer number-wise. Just a thought: We still have 5 guys and 4 girls. In the two seasons in which a woman won Survivor (2:Tina and 4:Vecepia), we had a female majority at this stage in the game.

Peace!