Survivor 6.8 What if they had an episode of Survivor, and nothing happened?

What if they had an episode of Survivor, and nothing happened? Topping last week's episode would be no small feat but this one didn't come close--everyone pretty much agrees that if Dave doesn't win immunity he's toast. Spider, bicker, spider Reward. Monkey, spider, fake boobs Immunity. Dave doesn't win immunity. He goes home. The End. Sigh, okay, I suppose you want details?
The mood is light at Camp John le Carré as Deena and Rob exult in ousting Roger last night. He's left behind a pair of underwear and they have a ceremony where they throw it up tree as some sort of tribute to their victory. I think it's intended to humiliate Roger but it's Deena and Rob who look pathetic. Deena gloats, "Roger was a sexist arrogant MAN and everything is so much better now that he's gone. The sexist arrogant woman goes on, "I feel fairly in control of the game. I'm running 100 mph and my panties are on fire but I'm still in control." Gee Deena, you might want to have that looked at. Clearly NOT enjoying the festivities is Dave who concedes, "Last night was rather unexpected. It's the perfect example of how no one really knows what's going on in this game." Actually, it was a perfect example of how YOU had no idea what was going on in this game, Dave.
Dave and Butch decide to build a boat dock for their fellow tribesmen. It pretty much consists of cutting down a few trees and laying them next to each other in the water. When one of the falling logs gets hung up in a tree, Dave shinnies up to dislodge it, and back at camp, the others make fun of him. Actually Rob makes fun while the girls ogle Dave's rippling muscles. Rob bitterly complains about how jealous he is of Dave's physical prowess and charm--all the girls want to get with him, he whines. Rob is one of those people who needs an enemy and in a few weeks will no doubt be plotting to vote out that one really superior sloth who "thinks he's so hot.". Up the tree, Dave shouts, "Boo yah." Yeah, he needs to go, which is the consensus of everyone. Dave isn't too worried, "I'm a hard-worker, I'm dedicated and friendly with everyone...that's gotta count for something, right?" Okay, I know I keep asking this but seriously, HAVE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE EVER WATCHED THE SHOW?
Monchichi! Monchichi! Oh so soft and cuddley! And kicking it at John le Carré!
In an amusing subplot, Sir Matt has become obsessed with sharpening his machete and it's freaking everyone else out. "I just like to let Mr. Machete know how much he means to me," he coos. Deena tries to make light of it, "You're not gonna, heh heh, kill us all, are you Matt?" Matt's not-so-comforting response: "Oh, you needn't worry about that, dear girl. For you see, I can't abide the sight of human blood--or any blood, really. So...much...blood...everywhere...can't...wash...it...off..." Wouldn't a better answer go something like, "You don't have to worry about that, Deena, because I'm not a murderer,"? Rob is convinced Matt might behead them all at Tribal Council when he's finally ousted. For the record, I could live with one or two deaths, should it come to that.
REWARD LIMERICK
If you want to win a small treat
Then you'll have to stay on your feet
The longer you stretch
The more flags you'll catch
And you'll have some ice cream--how neat!
The Reward Challenge is for a few hours of rest, a cold bath, and like, two desserts--in other words, one of the weakest rewards I can remember in a long time, especially considering how grueling this challenge is. The Survivors are first put in three teams of three: Christy Rob and Butch vs. Dave Deena and Alex vs. Matt Jenna and Heidi. They are attached to one another and a bungee and have to stretch out into a pool of disgusting muddy water in order to collect some flags. By the time they get out to the farthest flags, the bungee's tension is almost insurmountable and everyone is snapped back into the muck. Deena, Dave and Alex win and then must compete against one another. Dave wins rather easily and when he's offered the chance to take someone else he takes Deena. Jenna is disappointed but surprisingly doesn't attempt to prostitute herself for that banana split. Dave and Deena pig out, giggle and bathe. Dave approaches Deena, "It doesn't take a rocket scientist, which I AM, to figure out that I'm totally screwed--can you please help me?" Deena revels in her power as ALPHA FEMALE and pretends to be concerned, "Dave, it's pretty much out of my hands--everyone's so threatened by your awesome physical and mental strength!" "Yeah, I know." "Tell you what I'm gonna do: I'll make some phone calls and see if any alliances are hiring. Do you have a resume I can keep on file?" Dave is dead meat.
Back at John le Carré, camp sluts Jenna and Heidi giggle when Alex and Rob offer to help them wash themselves off. Then they flirt with the cameraman as they bitch about how bad they wanted the banana split but then Jenna shrugs, "Oh well--we don't need the fat!" even though a skeleton has more curves than either Heidi or Jenna, whose shoulder blades are probably sharper than Sir Matt's machete. Jenna huffs, "Dave brought Deena for, like, strategic reasons? I mean, why else would he pick HER over US? I totally would have taken a bath with him for his share of the banana split." "I'd do it for nothing!," Heidi chirps. Rob has taken to calling the pair "Twigs and Sticks," and gazes longingly after the bathing girls, "Twigs and sticks are really hot," he high-whispers "but I wonder if they'd actually talk to me in real life. I never forget that, that they might be trying to use their sexuality to get me to make love--I mean, make MISTAKES that I wouldn't normally breast."
Deena and Dave return from their day of Reward in an inexplicably cranky and demanding mood. When Alex mentions he's about to cook dinner, Deena huffs, "I slave all day, eating ice cream and shining on Dave about his chances and I expect to come home to find dinner COOKED and waiting on the ground!" then she snaps at Jenna about how hungry she is and Jenna tells us, 'I was like, shut up you fat pig. You just had ice cream and now you're bitching about how you need more manioc?" I hate agreeing with Jenna, it makes me feel...dirty. Xtina Aguilera dirrty. But Jenna's right, Dave and Deena are being insufferable and then they make it even worse by saying the ice cream was all melty so it wasn't that good--puhleeze. At least neither of them offered anyone a sucked-on mint.
That night, Rob wallows in stalkeresque rage as he watches snuggle-buddies Dave and Heidi roll around in the dark, "Maybe if there weren't any good-looking guys in the tribe, I'd have a shot at getting to sleep with Heidi!" Psst, Rob, chicks did self-respect--just something to think about. The next morning, Rob makes me giggle when he complains about how the local gnats like to swarm around their dirty heads as if it was Studio 54. He tries SO hard and once an episode, he makes me laugh. Intentionally, that is to say. The visual of everyone's gnat-cloud was pretty amusing too.
Of Rats and Psychotic Robots
Rob takes Sir Matt for a walk and despite the really strong "Of Mice and Men" vibe, doesn't wind up killing him. Matt blithers, "I truly appreciate the bosom friendship I have with dear Robert. He is ever so skilled at conversing with others and he knows this silly game better than anyone--which is quite helpful as I am clueless!" Yes. Yes you are. Rob makes sure Matt's willing to vote out nice-guy Butch should Dave win immunity and Matt is onboard--anything for you, Rob. Rob has Matt believing that they are a Final Three alliance with Alex. "Rob, old chap, I shan't ever betray you and I trust you feel as strongly about our friendship as I!" Rob's only strong feeling at the moment is abject terror of becoming Filet O' Rob courtesy of Mr. Machete when his duplicity is revealed.
IMMUNITY LIMERICK
We've got some minutes to fill
so....paint these big masks..uh, with skill!
In the end it don't matter
They're all bound to shatter
But paint them like you even still
Everyone gets a giant ugly mask to decorate like themselves. Butch's has glasses. Jenna laments not having a mirror and tries to remember what she looks like--then paints it bright orange. Yet they think MATT's the one losing it. Dave paints a cartoon word bubble on his so that his mask is saying, "Boo Yah." Yeah, he really needs to go.
For the Challenge, everyone answers questions about the Amazon and if they get a right answer, they get to cut a rope corresponding to one of the others' masks. Three chops and a big poll is released that shatters the mask. This is the same challenge--at the same stage of the game--that alerted 4th season's Neleh and Paschal to the Smuggly plan to oust them once Vecepia, Kath and Sean were gone. This time, It's not nearly as pivotal as Jeff tries to make it seem. Sir Matt is surprisingly cut loose before Dave but once Dave is eliminated, meh, who cares, right? The guys don't seem to care that the girls take great pride in eliminating the boys--a sign of things to come? Rob fails to answer a single question right and when he tries to make a joke, Jeff --afraid that his uncoolness might be contagious--dismisses him, "Take a step back, lame-ass." This was actually the worst possible contest for Dave, who didn't have a prayer of winning with everyone ganging up on him. Jenna wins immunity and seems genuinely jazzed about wearing the purty necklace.
Just to make it a little interesting, Matt freaks out the tribe by carving up his old sneakers with Mr. Machete, "So I can turn them into sandals, eh heh." Matt's face reminds me of the Nazi's in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," right when they start to melt, there I said it. Dave tries to trick Alex into sending him a "sympathy vote", but Alex isn't buying and effectively tells Dave not to leave behind any underwear, if you catch my drift. Rob voices his concern about Heidi's loyalty to Deena and Jenna, "They were like, totally embracing last night!" Jenna sighs like it's no big deal, "Dave ALWAYS embraces Heidi--I don't know how she feels about him, like, PERSONALLY." For the record, if I was cuddling with a tribemember all night, you could be pretty damned sure that I LIKED the guy, but Jenna and Heidi are playing by their own Skank code, when any and all male attention is eagerly welcomed despite the cost to one's own inner state of self-worth. When Dave tries to lobby Heidi for three more days in camp she shrugs, "Yeah, I guess it would be cool to make-out with you for three more days, especially since Sir Matt has the next-best body after you and his face is all melty plus he's a psycho." "Uh...are you saying you're just gonna sleep with Matt once I'm gone?" "What? Uh...Deena might vote against Matt." "I know she will." "Oh she TOTALLY will, that's what I mean," Heidi glances nervously at the cameraman, like he might actually say, "Yo, Cal Tech, she's totally playing ya, dude!"
TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jeff asks Sir Matt if he's fitting in better with John le Carré than he did at Timbuktu. "Oh it is most assuredly so, Jeff. People listen to me and Mr. Machete. In fact, people can't stop watching us and they're always whispering and pointing--its great." Rob's eye-rolling and snickering is not lost on Jeff, who puts him on the spot, "A lot of facial expressions as Matt spoke, you care to elaborate?" Rob puts his Eddie Haskell bit into overdrive, "Gee Mr. Probst, I was just marveling at how far Sir Matt has come--he was such a loner before, and it made me truly sad and I am just SO proud of his progress and how well he's fitting in, Jeff." Deena seems tickled and impressed at Rob's ability to lie so quick and smooth like that. When Jeff asks Heidi about how the immunity game played out, Heidi hyuks, "It sure was interesting how the girls wound up going all the way to the end while the boys eliminated themselves!" Dave looks despondent. Matt reacts sharply but I think it must have been something Mr. Machete said because Matt doesn't pay attention to what's happening around him, as a rule. Jeff asks Sir Matt if his feelings were hurt when the girls made sure he was first out of the Immunity Challenge, "Uh...I don't know. Rob, should I be worried?" "Nah." "I'm not worried at all Jeff. Thanks for the "save," as you might dub it." "Anytime, sucker. And by sucker, I mean, friend," Rob winks. Matt beams, "See, Mr. Machete? I told you we'd make a friend eventually." Dave hopes he won't be voted out but knows its possible. Jeff wonders if Dave's "plea" (it wasn't a plea, in point of fact) might sway the vote and Deena tries not to laugh, "Oh, *snicker* sure Jeff, anything's *hee hee* possible!" Jeff gives Jenna the chance to give away the immunity necklace but she refuses, "It's pretty, Jeff, and it means I'm like, queen of the tribe? So I'm gonna keep it." Even Butch votes for doomed Dave, who loses in an 8-1 landslide. Jeff sends the remaining campers home, "Get out of my face, you big bunch of liars." I think Jeff is tiring of his job.
Dave is now the first member of the all-important jury. He joins he-of-the-coconut-phone Greg, "I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face" Alicia, wrongfully-accused-of-conspiring-against-Lex Kelly, Aggressively Nude Crybaby Smuggly-King John and last year's big on boob, short on personality Erin. Next time, despite previews of Rob wanting to flex his power against Alex and Deena, I think Butch still goes home. Alex is an interesting possibility because Rob is threatened by his looks and charisma while Deena is threatened by his strength and his alliance with Rob, but I still think they're gonna stick to the plan and oust Butch. Matt still thinks he's in with the in crowd so he won't be any help, nor will Christy who probably thinks Deena wants an all-girl final four. Which she MAY. I think Deena is tempted by that idea, but ultimately wants all her girls on the jury to vote for her against Rob, who has attached some sort of personal significance to being the last guy standing, whether he wins or not. We'll find out tonight!
Peace! Christine :D