Survivor 6.7 No Surprise? What a lovely surprise! :D

Well Burnett and Co. mixed it up a little and so did our players and the result was the most satisfying episode of Survivor since Neleh and Paschal wised up to the Smugglies plan to string them along and then eliminate them back in season 4. The ballyhooed Battle of the Sexes is replaced by a subtler triumph of brain over bully as Deena and Rob marshal their forces and shake-up the playing field. Nothing like this happened ALL last season when we kept hoping in vain that Helen and Ted and Jan would win a clue in a reward challenge and oust Clay or Brian. What made it even sweeter was CBS TOLD us Roger was doomed throughout the episode. Rather than try to trick us with the traditional red herring, they chose to ENTERTAIN us by showing Roger's downfall and a heck of a lot of intrigue and strategizing.

Night at Jabber Jaw. Deena's missing Shawna's personality a little, while Rob is missing her rack a lot, though he thinks her departure is in alliance-mate Alex's best-interests. Despite CBS propaganda which claimed Alex would be a wreck, he seems very out-of-sight, out-of-mind about the whole thing. The Jabbers hold a tribe meeting where its decided the boys will go back to Roger, Dave and Butch and tell them that they've been loyal to Clan Testosterone. Rob wants to make sure Heidi and Christy will vote their way. Jenna replies, "Heidi I like, totally trust but Christy is like, deaf? So you can't trust her--you can't even TALK to her!" They all agree to go after physically-stronger Dave first. Rob revels in the concept of an outnumbered-Roger, "Once we get rid of Dave the whole house of cards will fall and it'll be like, "shut up Roger! Shut up Roger! Stop telling us what to do Roger!" Careful Rob, your inferiority complex is showing...

Next morning the Jabbers go to get the mail and Rob does an impersonation of the AOL computer voice, "You've got tree mail." Deena gushes, "Can I just THANK YOU for making these last several days so enjoyable? You are HILARIOUS!" I just don't get it. Maybe if I didn't have TV for three weeks, I'd become desperate enough to praise Rob...nah. Tree Mail yields the key to the magical mystery box we saw in episode one and everyone sprints back to camp to open it.

Magical Mystery Box Merger Rip-Off Limerick

There once was a box and a key
It was billed as a big mystery
but when it was opened
despite, all our hopin'
the game didn't change even slightly

All that's in the box is instructions on merging as a one tribe. So, all the fuss about the BOX turns out to be much ado about a merge which has occurred every freaking season at this EXACT same spot in the game. Last year turned out to be slightly different when the tribes came to live together but still had to compete against one another. Regardless, the box seems to have been a big Survivor mind game. The Survivors learn that they have to build another shelter which pisses off Rob and I don't blame him. The merging tribes haven't had to build a new shelter since season 2 when Jerri bossed everyone into building on the dry riverbed because it was soft--remember how THAT turned out? Jenna is nervous about the merge and Deena gets everyone to sign a loyalty oath proclaiming their fidelity to her--that is to say, New Jabber Jaw. The plan is to vote out Dave, then Roger, then Butch, get it got it good.

Jeff meets the two tribes and gives them new, red buffs. Everyone pays close attention and he says the words--they have MERGED into ONE new tribe, and all reward and immunity challenges will be individual now. Jeff's wearing the blue shirt I love so much. Everyone who STILL hasn't really met introduces themselves to one another as they make their way to their new camp. Upon arrival, they discover a huge feast of chicken, hot dogs, salsa, cookies and Coors Light--Tap the Rockies! Man that product placement is contagious. I was happy to see everyone get to eat:) Dave recounts, "It was great to make new friendships and enjoy the meal--no one was thinking about who they wanna vote out, everyone just wanted to celebrate!" that's because they're all pretty much in agreement that you should be next to go, Davey Boy. Deena suggests they name the tribe after novelist John le Carré, I don't know why.

Everyone is having a wonderful time so, inevitably, Roger has to step in and put a stop to it. He starts packing up the feast while everyone else is still trying to enjoy it and begins barking orders left and right. When the boys make a big deal about keeping the beer on ice in a cooler they've made of raincoats, Roger flips out and begins tossing the beer out and putting food in. While I agree with his priorities, his behavior couldn't be more wrong or more ill-timed. Alex confides, "The problem with Roger is he's an ASS." He tries to placate ranting Roger, as does Butch. Butch comes off as Roger's long-suffering wife. A wild-eyed Roger circles-up the group and decrees, "FALL IN! Time to assign duties, people!" It's difficult for some of the kids to keep a straight face, especially when he butts heads with Deena. Deena suggests moving the camp to higher ground because they're supposed to be 150 feet from the swamp in order to protect themselves from crocodiles. Her language is all group-dynamic perfect, by the way--"I'd suggest" "My concern with that is" Deena does a really good job of NOT coming off like the domineering egotist we know she is when talking to her fellow Survivors, I'll give her that. Roger blows her off, "Pshaw, little girl, ain't no caiman coming this far up!" "Uh, objection, your honor, my training said they DO," Deena insists. "Overruled, girlie! Crocodiles sleep at night! Case closed!" Rob grins as Roger lets his jerk flag fly for all to see, and he praises Deena, "I have a lot of respect for her--she's a smart woman, a lawyer, and she can argue her way around anything." I have to admit that Rob's decision to ally with Deena impresses me. It's a smart move, and I thought for sure he'd be more apt to suck up to the Panty Princesses (who probably intimidate him). Roger insists the group is staying where they are and Alex throws his hands up in defeat, "Okay, I just wanted everyone to be part of that decision." Alex is regaining his likeability now that Shawna isn't around to skank him up. We're not dating anymore, but I think we can still be friends.

Rogerloo

Roger takes control of the shelter-building, and unilaterally decides that the women would not take part in actual laying of the foundation or in fact, anything beyond gathering palm fronds and logs that the menfolk have already chopped down. He snaps at everyone while Deena complains, "Men...ya gotta love 'em. I mean, you NEED them...theoretically. Grrr, build shelter. Rarrrrh, establish a perimeter!" Hee hee, she was pretty funny. I hope Deena lasts until the "Hey, it's a loved one!" reward or whatever, I'm dying to get a look at her husband, just to see how whipped he is. Christy and Deena are pretty bent about not being allowed to build the shelter--an interesting attitude from people who chose to sleep in the rain for a week the first time they were supposed to complete such a task. Plus...am I crazy or wouldn't if be great to NOT have to do any of the work? Maybe I'm just lazy. When Christy tries to help with the building process, Roger pats her on the head and shouts, "THAT'S CUTE, CHRISTY. BUT THIS IS MAN'S WORK. GO HELP THAT PUSSY ROB WITH SLICING PALM FRONDS!" Rob seethes at Roger but uses his time to chat up Christy and Heidi and work his, "Oh, I'm so afraid of Roger--please take pity on me and protect me" bit on Deena and Jenna, who seem to be buying it. He's such a little bastard, but they suck too. It's kind of a wash.

Deena, Heidi and Jenna meet to discuss strategy. Deena insists they have to start voting out the stronger males, making Dave the obvious choice for ouster. Heidi wants Roger out first, and she and Jenna, legitimately, manage to convince Deena that Roger MUST go because he would never vote for a woman over a man should any of them wind up in the Finals against a boy. I hate giving them any credit whatsoever, but the Princesses are crafty. And unlike many PYT's who've come before them, they aren't gonna go out because they did nothing and expected to be dragged along. They're working the game. Elsewhere, Alex enjoys duping Roger into believing the boys are all on the same page about voting out the girls one by one. He declares, "It's all about new Jabaru--we'll get rid of the rest one by one and then fight it out amongst ourselves, right Matt?" "Oh, it is most definitely so, old man. The five us shall be true to the end." It sounds a bit Smuggly to me, though I'm intrigued by the possibilities--is Deena gonna screw over Matt/Alex in favor of Heidi? Will that piss off Rob? Or is this all part of his plan? Interesting. And there's still plenty of opportunity for Deena to go on a power trip or Rob to get distracted or obnoxious or for a completely new alliance to emerge. Tribe John le Carré raises its adorable alligator flag over their new camp.

I Hate Rob Cesterino

The younger set gets loaded and talks about sex. Rob makes a big deal to us about how everyone was having fun and bonding while Roger was off snoring but Deena, Matt and Butch don't appear to be taking part either. He also laments, "I was really disappointed that the girls didn't drink very much because the only way a loser like me has to score with a hot babe is for them to be drunk out of their mind." No argument here. Christy relates that the weirdest place she's ever had sex was at the Washington Monument during the Fourth of July fireworks. This impresses Jenna, who didn't realize deaf people HAD sex. Rob (whose confessionals this week are all being shot in an unflattering extreme close-up that makes him resemble a Jimmy Durante caricature in an old cartoon) whines, "I dislike Dave because he's slick and smart and good-looking, sniff," as we cut to Dave enthralling Heidi-Ho and Jenna-Whore with a tale about eating food off a girl's body. When the conversation turns to Rob he plays up his I-need-a-pity-lay bit and claims, "I have a lot of wild ideas, but most of my sex stories--and there are very few of them--but most of them involve me and a fat girl." Who SURELY regrets it, you pathetic insecure punk-ass creep. Like he's any freaking prize? Like he's what ANYONE aspires to? When Rob tells a story of two dates accidentally showing up at the same time (stolen from a sit-com and not his own life, I'd wager), Heidi coos, "Oh if you suggested it, it would like, SO have turned into a threesome--as a total skank I can assure you most women would be like, eager to do it with a big boy like you! Don't you agree Jenna?" "Oh, YEAH, totally," Jenna pouts, as they lather up Rob for the slaughter. All Rob can think of is Jenna and Heidi in his final threesome. I'm thinking some sort of nuclear holocaust might have to occur first--last man on earth, that kind of thing...

DO THEY HAVE TO SHOW TWENTY TARANTULAS EVERY FREAKING EPISODE?!?!

Next morning, Roger decides to wake everyone up by sharpening his machete. Yeah, he really doesn't understand this game. Rob and Deena meet in secret and revel in the fact that Roger is set to go out 7-3 if they can just keep immunity from him. Rob assures her, "I'm gonna keep kissing his ass so he doesn't suspect anything, plus I'm a weasel and I'm still afraid of him." Then he frets about Dave's charisma winning over the girls. Deena assures him that they're all pissed at Dave because he doesn't consider for a moment that the girls have a chance (I imagine Jenna can't wait to turn the tables on him after her massive tactical blunder on their "date"). Deena tells us, "It's not even about the girls vs. the guys anymore, it's about the weak vs. the strong and it just so happens that means a bunch of girls and a not-very-manly guy against a bunch of athletic men." Deena tells Rob her final three will include him and Jenna. Later, Deena and Jenna watch Sir Matt and Dave as they fish. Jenna is beginning to realize that they could both go very far in the game. Deena tells her, "Rob has an alliance with Alex so we need to think about getting rid of him to make Rob dependent on me--er, that is to say, us!" Then she shouts to the fishermen, "That's SUPER, boys! Keep up the GREAT work, you manly men you!" Jenna worries, "I may never win individual immunity. "Doesn't matter," Deena boasts, 'We've got this game in the bag." Then she rants to the camera, "Roger, Dave and Butch think they've got this whole game all sown up. Well, remember, there was Adam, and then there was Eve, and Eve got him to do what SHE wanted." Someone who lists the Bible as on of her favorite books should PROBABLY be aware of the fact that Eve isn't exactly the hero in that story. Yeah, good ol' Eve. I tell ya, she could defy God just as good as any man! She goes on, "You can't be cocky and think the girls are just gonna roll over and congratulate you, "Oh you guys played such a great game!" NO. We're not gonna lay down and die. This game is MINE!" Uh...I'm sorry what was that about...not being cocky?

Immunity Limerick

Stand on a post for the longest
The winner? Not always the strongest
In order to last
on food you must pass
Jumping off? That'd be the wrongest

The battle of wills, the contest that Tina won to secure Boron dominance and her eventual triumph in Australia. All players stand on a post in the water for as long as they can. Jeff warns them to swim quickly to his boat once they fall or jump as there are crocodiles in the river and Roger barks, "Girlie, they ain't no caiman in here!" Roger struggles to maintain his balance to the delight of most everyone else. Then, in what will go down as one of the most skanktacular moments in Reality Show history, Jenna offers, "I'll take my clothes off for some chocolate and some peanut butter!" Jeff produces a plate of Oreos, a bunch of peanut butter and two iced-cold "colas," and I have no idea why we're not pushing Coke anymore. Jenna disrobes, no doubt gunning for that post-Survivor Playboy er, spread. Bear in mind that she's getting the cookies and peanut butter for QUITTING the challenge, not for taking her clothes off. That's her own choice. What's even more odd is Heidi joins her in exposing herself. And, as Jeff points out, they don't try to coax any of the boys of the posts or anything. I mean, at least get some bang for your buck (naked).

Heidi-Ho Strip Poll (Pole?)

Heidi joined Jenna in taking off her clothes because:

A) She's a skanky ho, she don't know no better

B) She is Marci to Jenna's Peppermint Patty

C) She paid a lot of money for those things, they can't go to waste!

D) It was a misguided attempt to pay tribute to her home state of Missouri, the Show Me State

The girls sit on the boat eating their ill-gotten gain and just generally reveling in their ho-dom. Then Roger jumps off his log without even waiting for Jeff to offer him a food bribe, what a dummy. Thumbs-up are exchanged as everyone but the three amigos realizes the game is, in essence, over. The rain and wind kick up and Alex, Butch and Rob quit in order to share a pizza. Deena is unfazed by the elements and shouts at Jeff, "Is this all you got?" I kinda like Deena when she's not getting off on being Alpha Female...which is always. After 2 hours on the post, Dave and Sir Matt jump off for some Buffalo Wings, leaving only Christy and Deena. After another 40 minutes, Jeff offers spaghetti and meatballs and Christy asks if there's garlic bread. When Jeff says no, she shrugs at Deena, "No garlic bread." They decide to split the dinner and let Rock-Paper-Scissors decide who will wear the immunity necklace tonight. Christy's scissors are crushed by Deena's rock (c'mon, Christy, like Deena ISN'T gonna pick rock??). Jeff praises Deena's negotiating skills, "You got the immunity AND the food." Ah, don't encourage her, Probst.

The John le Carré's return from the challenge and debrief us. Alex things this was the best Immunity Challenge EVER: "Naked Chicks? Sweet. Pizza? Sweet. Roger losing? SWEET!" Dude, where's your vocabulary? Rob gloats, "The only ay Roger was gonna win that immunity challenge was if it was...name that Perry Como song...what type of prune is this or...something else only an old person would know." Alas, comedy's rule of three is to much for Rob to handle. Meanwhile, a clueless Roger shrugs, "It seems to easy but...it's all falling into place, the men are gonna vote out the weaker sex one by one." Jenna and Heidi are bursting with skank-pride over their display, "We are the ORIGINAL Survivor girls gone wild," Jenna snorts (Psst, you can't buy self-respect for a million dollars, fyi). Dave is confident, "All four of the females realize that they will be quickly eliminated because we men are sticking together. I don't think they're very surprised--6 beats 4." Yep and 7 beats 3, sucker! :D Funny how Dave got all the scoop on the girls from Jenna, but it's his lack of understanding of his male tribe's dynamic that may spell his doom. Rob predicts he will be the last of the men in the game, and he may be right.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Turns out that stupid rule about being to able to give your immunity to someone else is still in effect. It was a huge bust in the Marquesas and I predict the same here--it's too arrogant a gesture to imply that you DON'T need yourself. Butch, thinking he's speaking from power, tells Jeff that it's all inclusive and hunky dory at John le Carré. When Jeff asks Rob if he was complaining by stating that there's always someone in camp who'll tell you what to do, Rob lays it on REEEEAAAL thick, "No, I like being subservient to great leaders like Roger!" Jeff asks Deena if she was able to participate in building the shelter and she greatly amuses Christy when she answers with Roger's terminology, "You mean putting logs together on the four corners of the foundation? Uh, no. Which pissed me off. I mean, we built our own shelter at Jabaru. It took us 10 days and tore us apart as a tribe but we DID it. Eventually." Then she pointedly adds, "It did allow me to bond with everyone else so, I think it probably worked out for the best." Jeff says, "Roger, you look insufferably smug, do you have any parting wor--that is, to you have anything to add?" "These girlies don't know nothing about building nothing. It wouldn't have worked with them getting in the way. Sorry if their toes got stepped on, but that's how it was gonna be." The Survivors exchange looks of bemused contempt and anticipated vengeance. At home, everyone fears that Roger is a red herring--this is all too good to be true! Jeff wonders, "Jenna, what was up with your blatant sluttiness at the challenge?" "I'm just kind of a slut, Jeff," she winks. Jeff wonders if Roger would have stayed on that log longer if he REALLY thought he needed it and Roger's too over-confident to hear the alarm bells that question SHOULD be setting off: "Yeah," he shrugs, "I guess if I felt I REALLY needed it." What a goober.

Butch, Roger and Dave all vote for Christy which makes me angry at Butch. I know they're voting an alliance and Christy is strong but...still. After all his kind words >:0 Typically strident Deena sneers, "this is reality check and mate and never, EVER underestimate the power of a woman!" Rob does a pretty damned good impression of a Casey Kasem Long Distance Dedication, and I gotta give the boy props for that--it WAS funny. Roger goes down 7-3, causing Butch's mouth to drop open and Dave to almost cry! In his exit, Roger raves delusionally, "I'm strong, I'm a leader and I can't hold that back. I may have been outlasted, but I wasn't outplayed or outwitted." Except for the part where YOU WERE. Roger just misses the jury in the pivotal post-merge slot. None of us were prepared for Good Gretchen's ouster at the hands of the evil Tagi alliance (and her own tribe's stupidity). Then we had Jeffy Jeff (who like Roger jumped of the log when he should have stayed on), Clarence "Bean Can" Black, Evil Boston Rob (hee hee, still funny) and last year poor Shii Ann was screwed over by the game change. Argh! This spot has taken some our best and worst players. Next week, Dave will make a move but people are too threatened by him to listen, I think. He does have a good shot at immunity though, so Butch might go in his place. I still think we're in for more changing alliances, but don't think things will change to much in three days. The commercials warm of Matt going nutzo, but I think Deena and Jeff will keep him around until they feel safer number-wise. Just a thought: We still have 5 guys and 4 girls. In the two seasons in which a woman won Survivor (2:Tina and 4:Vecepia), we had a female majority at this stage in the game.

Peace!