Survivor 5.6 Ohh whatt a night! :)

Hey! It's my latest review ever, sorry :) Check it out, Just under the wire...

Morning at Sucks Hard. Penny says, "We're all here to win a million dollars, so trust is a day to day thing." Robb is angry and confuseded as he asks Penny if she was ever considering voting him out and she tells him no which upsets him because Ken told him that Penny was going to either vote for Steph OR Robb. Now...she DID indeed vote for Steph so any reasonable person would not see this as a betrayal on Ken's fault, but Robb spits, "Dude, I'm sick off all the backstabbing bullhonkey!" right in front of Shii Ann, who he's voted against twice. He storms of to confront Ken, who's chilling in the Moby Shack. "Dude, I'm not playing games, bro. I don't care, dude, but straight up, what's going on, know what I'm saying?" Now of course NOBODY knows what Robb is saying but Ken discerns that his integrity is being questioned so he gets all Sipowicz on Robb (sans beating, unfortunately), "Okay, dumbass, who'd everyone else tell you dey were voting for?" "Uh...Shii Ann." "And who'd dey all vote for?" "Steph...but." "And who'd I tell you I was voting for? Steph! And who'd I vote for? STEPH!! You got some bohls to come 'ere and question MY freaking loyalty--after I was honest wit choo?" Ken tells us, "At first I didn't understand him--I mean, who can understand dat guy? Dehn I thought he must be kidding wit dis. Dehn I remembered: Robb is a friggin' idiot." Their voices carry over to the beach, where eyes are rolled. Ken's logic is lost on Robb, who goes on to rave about Ken's telling him days ago that the first vote had come down to Jed and Robb. Ken insists, "Yer damn staright it did! No one could frickin stand to be around you, you frickin moron! You pissed everyone off, you wouldn't shut up--I tink I tried to tell you dis before but you know what? I'm probably lyin' right now!" Robb then claims that he can't trust Ken because Ken didn't tell him the day Jed was ousted that Robb was on the block too. Ken is flabbergasted, "I'm deh only one dat's been straight wit choo and yer bitin' the hand that's TRYIN' to feed you!" Robb, red-faced and surely about to burst into tears screams, "Dude, don't talk to me that way like I'm stupid, cuz I'm NOT FRICKIN STUPID!!!!" :D The only thing missing was Ken saying, "I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face!" It ruled.

Meanwhile, everyone is still lamenting the loss of the boat at Chewing Gum--I don't know if you realize this, but that boat sure came in handy! The boys decide to swim out to nearby Gilligan's Island to look for it. Helen doesn't think that weak swimmers Ted and Clay have any business swimming out there, which sort of begs the question, "Why don't you go then?" But I think Helen thought it was a waste of time, and she's right. CBS makes a big deal of showing us that the boat really *was* on the other side of the island, but it was washed way into a freaky cove. I'm gonna call the expedition a wash because even though the men failed to search the island thoroughly, it could have been exhausting and even dangerous if they had, and it was nice to see them actually doing work, even it was fruitless.

The Ken Mutiny

Back at Sucks Hard Beach, Robb casually says to the still shack-lounging Ken, "Dude, I'm sorry, bro," and helps himself to a banana. Ken stalks off and Robb scoffs, "Dude, relax, I'm over it!" Ken goes to the beach and tells the others that Robb is eating a banana without permission and hadn't they all agreed to let them get ripe before they ate any more? The whole tribe converges on the Shack where Robb says, "Dude, I don't think anyone wants to ask permission to eat a frickin' banana and Ken isn't the boss of me! I am hungry, so I'm gonna eat a banana!" Shii Ann chimes in, "So are we eating the bananas?" "Dude, "I'm gonna eat a banana. We worked really hard for these bananas! Banana banana banana!" She tries to continue and he tells her to shut up. Penny tells Shii Ann, "Back off and let Ken and Robb sort this out like the little children they are." Ken kneels down and starts taking a banana inventory whilst Robb pops another one into his enormous mouth.

Reward Haiku:

the real reward poem
must have been really sucky
they didn't show it

This was a real fun challenge, with a traditional Thai feast at stake. One player launches balls in the air from a giant rubber band thing, and everyone else tries to catch the balls in these big baskets attached to poles, while also trying to prevent the other team from succeeding. Sadly, Robb does very well and catches four balls to Chewing Gum's lowly one. Clay yells at Helen like she's shooting the balls wrong, when imho, Chewing Gum just had no hustle and let's face it, Robb's still on a sugar high from eating contraband bananas. Chewing Gum regroups to make it close by having Ted plant Robb in the dirt a couple times. With the score tied, the Sucks regroup and Robb whines, "Dude, am I the only person playing?" "The bohls are all comin tuh you," Ken growls. Everyone starts to bicker until Penny goes all schoolteacher on them, "Boys, boys! Shut up! I'm launching the ball right in the middle and I want all four of ya'll to move your butts and try and catch it!" Robb does and the Sucks win. Jeff says, "I've just gotta betray Christine and compliment Dumbb Robb on national television--Robb, you carried this one all the way!" I feel dead inside.

At Chewing Gum, sad loser music plays as the team dissects the game and agrees that the futile swim to Gilligan's Island tuckered them out and cost them a victory. Ted apologizes for yelling at everyone and they all just basically behave like grown ups--though to be fair, they don't have any bananas there to tear them apart. In the understatement of the century, Ted says the fest they lost "Must be better than peeling clams off of rocks." So's a root canal, Ted.

The Camelot Feast

The Sucks feast begins with the first of many "Robb teaches all of us a little something about life" moments that made this episode gag-worthy, despite his ouster. It's odd that someone with a hole in their chin would be such a neat freak, but Robb rhapsodizes, "Dude, we had napkins to wipe our faces--it was totally awesome!" Shii Ann even uses the silverware--everything's coming up Robb! The girls all agree that this morning's banana fight was lame ass as Ken sits at the end of the table and stews. Some Thai dancers and musicians come in to provide a little culture. Shii Ann says, "For one brief, shining moment...we almost liked each other."

The Secret Language of Twits

Back at Chewing Gum, Ted and Clay are both pretty pleased with their intuition, as Ted says, "I have a feeling that the merger is coming soon", and Clay declaring, "Itwon'tbeaftertwomoreimmunitiestha'tssure." Yeah, guys, uh everyone who has EVER WATCHED SURVIVOR EVER thinks the merger is coming after the next tribal council--between the sixth and seventh ouster as it always has in the past! Later, Ted and Brian tells us once again about their strong--and very very hush hush secret alliance. They bash fists at the campfire and Ted says, "We still on?" "Yeah, of course," Brian says. Ted the master strategist tells Brian, "After we merge, we all need to stick together--if you catch my meaning." "Oh yeah, I know *exactly* what you're saying, don't you worry," Brian replies. Now, this is hardly cloak and dagger "the rooster crows at midnight" kind of stuff but Brian still insists, "We have an unspoken language, man--a "lingo" if you will." They murmur about watching each others back right as Clay walks up behind them, though fortunately for them , there's a good chance he's even dumber than they are, and he didn't notice. Guys, take a page from Tina and Colby and keep it on the down low!

Back at Sucks Beach, Ken and Robb go for a nature walk and we have to listen to more "Robb has learned so damned much" nonsense as he gushes about nature and Thai culture. It cracks me up that he claims to be all about learning about Thai culture and he has all these Asian characters tattooed all over himself yet he is childishly and ignorantly unable to tolerate his Chinese tribemember. Whatever, dude. Robb says, "Dude, Life is so rad and deep, bro! I'm eating a banana and drinking piss water and it's like, so amazingly awesome!" He assures us that he and Ken have totally "squashed the beef"...which CAN'T be as homoerotic as it sounds...can it? Then he claims, "Dude, Ken helped me make sense...to myself. Not many other people have done that," proving that not even Robb can understand Robb and possibly making Ken eligible for the Nobel Peace Prize next year. When Robb whines, "Dude, you're always telling me what to do!" Ken sighs, "Maybe you should listen when someone's tryin' to help you--it's getting harder and harder tuh help you." Sad to say, the strong "Of Mice and Men" vibe of the hike to the bat cave *doesn't* lead to a mercy killing, but the tribe will be speaking soon enough. Does anyone else think that Ken's determination to save Robb indicates that Ken is on the outs of a possible girl's club alliance?

At Chewing Gum, Jan interrupts Brian and Helen's clam-peeling to wail about a dead baby bat she's found on the cave floor, which she intends to hold a funeral for. Helen describes it to us as a "slimy, embryonic baby bat thing," which somehow made me unable to get that damned Chili's "Baby Back Ribs" song out of my head. Jan bawls, names it Oscar, and gives it a proper Christian burial. Mean Clay shakes his head at her weakness and stupidity while the others at least try to show Jan some compassion, even though they think the whole thing is crazy. Brian wonders, "Is she just really really emotional...or is she losing it a little out here?" I'm betting on a little of both, my friends.

Immunity Haiku

you are all tired
a mental game should suit you
too bad Jan's crazy

The challenge is another cool one. There are 21 flags in a circle and the tribes will take turns taking either one, two or three flags from the bunch, hoping to be the group that gets the last flag. The Sucks sit out Robb for the mind game, but lose anyway. When Chewing Gum wins, Penny turns to them and says, "good job" and the Sucks all applaud for Chewing Gum as Jan wins immunity for a second straight time.

Oddly, Tribal Council doesn't seem to happen that same night, and instead the gang gets wasted on leftover Camelot feast wine. Erin tells us that everyone poured their hearts out but Robb is really the only one who gets maudlin, raving about how this being their last night "as a family", gag me with an immunity idol. We get YET STILL EVEN MORE "Robb's here to teach us about life" dreck, as Robb admits, "I never really knew my Dad and now I miss him so much and can't wait to see him!" Next time Dan Quayle wants to make a speech about the importance of fathers, he should use Robb as an object lesson--5 minutes with the guy would sent Murphy Brown screaming towards the nearest wedding chapel. Anyway, Ken and Shii Ann both tell Robb he's alright, but next morning brings the same old politics and chicken neck-breaking. Shii Ann says the Sucks are still divided and is her comment that "Erin and Penny don't trust me anymore than I trust them" another vague indication of a tenuous chick-alliance? Just so long as Jake isn't gonna get screwed over, because he's the best of the bunch.

Tribal Council

Everyone talks about love love LOVE and gosh-golly if we only had THREE more days together! Then Robb goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like, "Dude, it was really hard to just sit there and watch them all lose, so I had to try and bring up there spirits and I did, bro! I'm pretty freaking amazing!" Jeff smiles, "Well, Robb, your spiritual transformation made for some better-than-mediocre television, and we thank you. Shii Ann, after a night like that, how do you turn around and vote someone out?" "Gee Jeff, it's going to be SOOOOOO hard, but *somehow* we'll get through it....as a family," she manages to reply without giggling. Erin agrees, "Last night, Robb really helped us be more at peace with having to vote out Robb--or whomever!" Everyone votes for Robb except Robb, who casts another vote for Shii Ann. Robb is not surprised by the landslide, even making light of the fact that no one spells his name right...or is that wrong? No one spells it with two b's the way he does. He goes out with his usual nonsensical jabber, "Bro, play hard, dude, for real!" Then Jeff tries to make the Sucks feel bad, saying, "Wow, you experienced so much spiritual growth at your drunken emotional orgy last night, yet you just voted out the guy that inspired it--aren't you all a shitty much of losers?" Jeff is going to have to do something *pretty* danged awesome to win me back, that boy is sleeping on the couch of my heart for now. I mean, Jeff's seen more footage than we have, he knows Robb's an ass!

Robb is ousted and everyone--Robb, the Sucks and certainly America--wins! Robb is the last eliminee before the merger, joining Joel--who paid the price for something Gervase actually said, as I recall. He was also the only member of poor, naive Pagong who felt they should go in and try to pick off the other tribe one by one. Instead, they all went in and voted for each other and Hatch and company came out victorious. Also gone at this point in the game was Michael, who planted his face in the fire and opened the door for Colby and Tina, big baby Lindsay--who wasn't so pumped about the tribe switcheroo, and Gina, who was spared one week by realignment but not two, and at least was voted out by nice people instead of evil Boston Rob. Next episode: Gee, I have *a feeling* it's gonna be the merger :)

Have a great week! Peace, Christine :)

Survivor 5.5

Night at Chewing Gum, the mice and bats clear out of camp when they hear
the human folk returning. Clay tells s,
"WeknewevilGhandiacastaspellonJanbutwhy'dshevoteformethatmakesnosense
she'sthenexttogoherheadisontheblock." I was annoyed with Clay for being
surprised by getting votes until I remembered that, based on Ghandia's
accusation of impropriety, Clay was rightfully assuming that the votes
would go to Ted. Jan knows that Clay will be gunning for her, "Clay's a
petty little man, and he'll consider this a betrayal." Then she goes on,
"Helen *said* she was gonna vote for Clay but...I guess she changed her
mind." Well, duh, Jan. Helen maintains that selling out Ghandia was a
necessary evil. I agree, except for the evil part--girlfriend was crazy
and she had to go.

That very same morning, Jake and the kids at Sucks Hard are awakened by one
of their reward roosters, who promptly gets sent to *his* eternal reward in
chicken heaven. Steph holds him while Jake breaks its neck with his bare
hands--and I would rather go through life without knowing what that sounds
like but as Mick Jagger once said, you can't always get what you want. The
Sucks however get what they need in terms of protein, as they devour the
bolied carcass. I thought Capt. Jake was very dear when he said, "We thank
you for giving your life Mr. Bird, but I tell you what, you sure do taste
good." Robb isn't as happy with the meal as everyone else--he's too
grossed out by Shii Ann's eating habits, "Dude, Shii Ann is repulsive. Her
eating habits are terrible--she ate the heart and the lungs and the neck
and like, picked the bones until there was nothing left. I don't care if
we're starving, this is America! She's gotta learn to waste more food,
dude. Plus she licks her fingers too much and reaches back in the pan for
more--it's disgusting." In my opinion, people with holes in their chins
should not call other people disgusting. Shii Ann shruggingly tells us
that she grew up partly in Taiwan and that in her house, chicken hearts
were good eating. When she offers Robb some of the meaty neck, He
childishly gags and carries on like a four-year-old about how sick it
sounds to him. Robb, you're the one with bad manners, next time just say
no thank you. I hate Robb.

Back at chickenless Chewing Gum, Clay the mighty caveman hunter can only
find one crab in the whole ocean. Then Brian and Ted go out in the boat
"to fish," which consists of throwing the net over the side just in case
any fish *might* want to just jump in while the two men do the Survivor
alliance, "Are we still cool?" "Yeah, we're cool," thing. Could be wrong,
but CBS's revealing to us that Brian and Ted have a "you and me til the
very end brother" deal going on *this* early in the show doesn't bode well.
Porn Star Brian insists that his personal style of "Speaking when I have
to, being quiet when I have to, winning that friendship, winning that
favor" is very "shark-like" but it seems merely used car salesman to me.
Anyway, after catching not one fish, the two guys call it a day and bash
fists to demonstrate how secure their bond is. Not so secure is the rope
holding the boat to a small branch jutting out of the sand at low tide. I
guess after an exhausting few hours of not-fishing, pulling the boat past
the high tide water line is just too much effort for the Chewing Gum chumps.

Back at Sucks Hard, the tribe is enjoying their first day of not starving
and shelter building. Jake and some of the girls are standing nearby when
a swimming Robb yelps with pain and then starts screaming. As Jake puts
it, "He was screaming for quite a while before we realized it wasn't just
your everday 'Robb is a big noisy idiot' screaming, but something more
serious." It turns out that just when they thought it was safe to go back
in the water, something bit Robb. Unfortunately, it wasn't a Great White,
though it may as well have been for how much Dumbb Robb carries on. When
Steph and Jake examine it, Robb wails, "Dudes, please don't touch my boo
boo, it really really hurts!" And then he literally starts kicking and
cursing. Shii Ann is disdainful of Big Baby Robb's tiny pain threshold
(everything about Robb is tiny, except for his mouth), wishing to us that
he'd "be a mature person," and suck it up. Well Shii Ann, wish in one hand
and spit in the other and see which bothers Robb the fastest. When Shii
Ann not unsympathetically observes that "being bit by a sea urchin really
hurts," Robb remembers her saying, "Truly, I have done exstensive research
on the painful bites of stingrays, and therefore you, Robb, are an idiot."
He also chooses not to hear her say that she *has* been bitten by a
jellyfish--not that he'd care. "Dude, Shii Ann just doesn't get it.
Everyone was totally focused on MY monster bite, and then she has to go and
say something, it was totally inappropriate. She always has to be the big
expert on any topic we talk about, I wanted to tell her, "Shut up and get
me some water, woman! Look at my foot, sweetie, LOOK AT MY FOOT!" I think
most fourth graders could come off as experts when conversing with Robb,
who gets up within minutes and walks easily to shore because he's not dying
or even really that hurt. I hate Robb.

As night falls at Chewing Gum, CBS takes great glee in showing the
ill-tied boat drifting away as the happy campers sing "Sleigh Ride." You
can almost hear the CBS editors cackling with glee, "You're gonna wish you
had a sleigh, suckuhs!" Helen, though no Karen Carpenter, has a
surprisingly pleasant singing voice compared to her abrasive speaking
voice. Next morning, Ted goes out to "fish," and makes the shocking
discovery. He chooses to sit on a log and pout rather than sound the
alarm. Eventually everyone finds out and naturally everyone's worried and
CBS has every tribe member tell us the very obvious fact that losing the
boat is really bad, "Thefishingnetwasinthere!" Clay gasps, like they ever
really used it. When Clay learns where the boat was actually tied up, he's
stunned at Ted's stupidity and marvels at the fact that no one confronted
him about it, even though Clay didn't either. He also seems vaguely
paranoid when he imagines that everyone would have jumped all over *him* if
he had been the dummy that lost the boat, and I was glad to see the
Ted/Clay bond that Ghandia claimed was rock solid start to crack. Somehow
no one is blaming Porn Star Brian, though he seems just as responsible to
me. I mean, Ted tied the knot but the real problem was that neither of
them thought to bring the boat onshore. Once again, "lack of beach
experience" rears it's ugly head, though a couple bad sand castle
experiences in this landlubber's youth taught me enough about low and high
tide that I wouldn't lose the danged boat, sheesh. Despite this dire
situation, everyone is easily distracted by the appearance of "Magilla,"
the monkey that's been visiting their camp and stealing things, so Ted
makes a big show of asking Magilla to return the boat, which he thinks is
funny--I doubt his rapidly dehydrating tribemates agreed. CBS then reveals
how far the boat has gone, and unlike Robb and Jed and the ridiculously
not-lost lost fishing net, the boat has travelled across the bay and over
to another island. They are up a creek without a paddle--it was in the
boat.

Later that day, the whole tribe sans Jan is panning for gold...no wait, for
seafood. Clay reveals that he would gladly give up his sex life for a
hamburger and fries and apple dumplings, leaving us with some very
unfortunate imagery we could all do without. Jan hollers from shore,
"Ohhhhh CHILDREN!!!!!! We have TREEEEE MAAAAIL!!!" The panners want her
to read the poem but she's distracted by the wad of cash enclosed with the
mail and starts screeching out numbers while they're yelling, "READ IT!
READ US THE FREAKING POEM YOU RAVING OLD BITTY!"

Reward Haiku:

money for food game
don't spend it all in one place
wait, no, you have to

Clay tells everyone, "It'sanauctionforfood!" but when Jan makes the exact
same observation a second later, he mutters scornfully, "No shit,
sherlock!" Then Jan pretends to run off with the thousand dollars, doing
something that resembles the Cabbage Patch and yelling, "See ya, I wouldn't
want to be ya!" It was pretty irritating.

Both tribes arrive at the reward challenge but before the auction starts,
Jeff asks everyone to take sixty silent seconds to contemplate switching
tribes. "Any one person want to switch with another? This is one of those
forks in the road, this is a chance to change your fate!" In voice over we
hear Shii Ann seriously consider it because she "hates" her tribe. Helen
thinks Jan should take the offer because she's toast otherwise, but Jan
vows to stay with Chewing Gum, come what may. Steph reveals, "I *so*
wanted to switch tribes. But, I've been stupid up to this point--why
change my strategy now?" So there's many significant looks but no one says
anything aloud and no one takes the offer and Jeff just grins and says,
"Great! Everyone's happy, that's FAN-tastic!" It was such an unbelievable
letdown after they teased us all week with a switch, though, since the
tribes are admitedly working pretty well as they are, I'm thinking they
might just wait and do a traditional merge, though Jeff's
cat-that-ate-the-canary smile every time he mentions the offer and how
happy everyone is where they are seems to indicate he has something else up
his sleeve. Will they switch tribes next week and merge one week later
than usual, meaning everyone who makes it to the merge is also on the jury?
I just don't see the point in switching tribes just for one vote.

The auction is fun and everyone wins something. They bid as a tribe and
split the food amongst themselves. The Sucks score first with a hamburger
and fries, while Chewing Gum gets a pitcher of lime-aid for 20$. The Sucks
get burned on the always compelling "Let's Make a Deal" mystery item, which
turns out to be a bunch of seasoned baked grubs. Steph and Shii Ann gamely
eat several, with Shii Ann saying they taste--not like chicken--but just
like mushrooms. Chewing Gum wins spaghetti and meatballs and bread, The
Sucks win a hot fudge sundae on the next mystery item, and the auction ends
with with Chewing Gum winning nachos and a pitcher of margaritas. It was
interesting to note that the tribes played nicely together, and that Ted
and Ken the Kop both took charge of the bidding for their respective teams.

The next morning at Sucks Hard, Steph plays tribe stewardess and passes out
bananas. Penny opines, "I think she's probably trying to make up for being
such a bitch to us the last 14 days." Steph tells us, "Hey, I'm jest as
mean to people back home, okay? And the reason everyone's being nicer to
each other is because we aren't starving to death anymore--starving will
make you an ass." It's a valid point but the fact is, everyone else was
just as hungry as she was and not even selfish Jed and braying Robb were
nearly as nasty.

Chewing Gum gets the immunity poem, which comes with a pretty jeweled fish
that will bring in beaucoup bucks on the Ebay Charity auction, dang it. I
say dang it because the only things I wind up being able to afford are
skanky pillows and other crap I don't want. Is it just me, or do they
usually show Chewing Gum getting the poems this year?

Immunity Poem

this sea is fish full
despite your lack of success
in finding any

Brian doesn't want Jan to leave, so he's determined that they win this
challenge. He seemed genuine, even though no one in Chewing Gum can really
afford dwindling their tribe to four while the Sucks remain at seven.
However a wrench is thrown in the works when Helen and Brian have to swim
to get water because they've run out--yes Ted, we know, THE BOAT WAS
FREAKING IMPORTANT! Fortunately, the immunity game isn't a really
physically taxing one. The Survivors have to sort all the fish in this
huge ice-filled tray into four seperate bowls by type--one of them being
our old friend Bear Monday (okay, barramundi), which served as the tribe
name for the merged Survivors in Season Two: Australian Outback. Erin and
Ken sit out for the Sucks, who proceed to, despite Clay's lazy-ass flinging
of fish all over the beach, making more work for his Chewing Gum teammates.
At one point he hits Brian in the face, which finally compels him to move
his butt and actually walk the four feet from the tray to the bowls.
People jam assorted fish in their mouths and there is much yelling and
dropping and searching, but Chewing Gum comes up big, beating Sucks Hard by
a rather huge margin--YAY! :) The closer it is at the merge--assuming
there is one, the better.

At Sucks Hard, Steph and Shii Ann discuss how nice the other tribe seems.
Steph is now regretting not switching teams, "Everyone's so blah here, I
think I'd do better over there. I could be wrong but I think everyone's
out to get me here." Well...not *everyone.* But yeah, mostly, yeah.
Anyone think Steph calling the rest of the tribe "blah" is very pot/kettle?
Of course, Robb is still gunning for Shii Ann, and Erin seems to have
fallen under his sway. She thinks Shii is the "only source of dysfunction"
in the tribe. At the water hole, she and Robb dish on the evils of Shii
Ann: She eats without utensils! She double dips! She's from New York
City! Gee, is banishment really punishment enough? Maybe she should be
executed. Then Robb says, "Dude, she's a girl and her manners are
atrocious, dude. Who'd ever take her home?" I hate Robb. Robb and Erin
hope they never ever meet another New York City girl again--wouldn't it be
funny if they did and it was Chiara from Big Brother 3? Meanwhile, Jake
tells us that he thinks Shii Ann is just super--a hard worker and as he
puts it, "one of the all time good ones." When Shii Ann frets about the
possible attempt at Tribal Council to oust her, Jake gives her a paternal
"don't let the turkeys get you down" pep talk and tells her if she feels
like crying, "That's okay. Crying is good for you." I'm beginning to
think that Jake might be "one of the all-time good ones." :) Shii Ann is
concerned that being the only minority "on the island" might be a
problem--does she mean on her tribe or is she forgetting that Ted is black?

Tribal Council

Jeff starts off by asking Robb for his impression of Chewing Gum, "Dude,
that's a hard question because I don't like to think about people who
aren't me, unless I'm complaining about them, you know what I mean?
But...I guess they seem nice. They seem to get along." Jeff asks if he
thinks the Sucks are the stronger tribe and Robb does his best Spicoli,
"Chuh, without a doubt, c'mon bro." Jeff (who clearly hates Robb as much
as we do) is incredulous, "C'mon BRO? That's Jeff! Mr. Probst if you're
nasty! Robb...do you understand that the reason you're here is because
they beat you?" "So? I don't care. My math ain't too great but...we're
still a couple up on them, dude." "Well you aren't exactly kicking their
asses, are you?" "Mmmmmmm. We'll see what happens, dude." "The point is,
you're here now you over-pierced moron, and you WILL be voting someone
out." Things get even better when Jeff asks Steph if she's over her
illness and contributing to the tribe, "Yeah, I'm better now and back to
doing all the work, Jeff. I'm really pleased with the way these weak
losers have started to come around. They were totally obsessed with the
shelter before, but they've really impressed me--and they should be proud
of that." Ken looks like he wants to strangle her with her own braids,
while Shii Ann is grinning from ear to ear with relief--she knows that with
the return of bad Steph, the vote won't be close. Jeff asks Ken, "Any of
that surprise you?" "Nah. It was pretty obvious what their priorities
were from square one." That fact that Ken is referring to the departed Jed
when he says "their" isn't a good sign for Steph. Then Jeff asks if anyone
considered his offer to change tribes and Shii Ann lies, "No I love this
tribe and I really feel comfortable here and I wouldn't trade my tribe for
all the chicken hearts in China!" Well played, Shii Ann, well played.
Everyone but Dumbb Robb is furious with Steph for her insults, why split
their irritation by running down the Sucks Hard name any further?

Penny votes for Steph saying, "Even though you got nicer, I'm gonna go with
my first impression of you being a cold, selfish, nasty bitch." Steph
votes for Shii Ann, "You're a real nice girl but you get on my nerves."
You won't have to worry about that anymore, Steph :) Ken votes for Steph,
"You're a really beautiful person and I wish you hadn't waited until
yesterday to let us see that." Robb naturally votes for Shii Ann, popping
the vote card really hard at the camera in the hopes it'll work this time,
"You get on my nerves, I can't stand being around you, and I wish you were
dead--nothing personal!" No Robb, it's actually ONLY personal, dumbass! I
hate Robb. Jeff tallies the votes and when Shii Ann gets two votes, Robb
and Steph exchange self-satisfied looks, like, *everything's going our way,
aren't we brilliant?* but those are YOUR TWO VOTES, YOU STUPID IDIOTS!
Steph goes down 5-2. Erin regains some credibility by voting with the
majority instead of joining Robb in his futile attempt to oust Shii Ann.

Steph's exit speech was gracious, if a little self-deluded. She joins
other 5th week victims Dirk, the bible thumping dairy farmer whom Richard
Hatch despised, Kimmi, who hated bathing almost as much as she hated eating
meat, Silas, who thought himself a master manipulator and is still walking
around LA with a stunned look on his face, and last year's neo hippie Gabe
who came on "Survivor" to build a new society and didn't want to actually
play the game. Last week I complained that I couldn't root for anyone, but
now Jake, Shii Ann, Penny and Ken seem like good folk to me. Penny's a bit
enigmatic but I don't think she's evil. At Chewing Gum, Porn Star Brian
and dare I say it...Helen? They're growing on me. We'll see. The only
people I really hate are Robb and Clay. Next week, if there's no merge,
Jan is still on the block at Chewing Gum. Shii Ann seems a possible oustee
at Sucks Hard but I truly think that Robb might me wearing out his welcome.
Next week *should* be the last vote out before the merge if all goes to
schedule and Robb is a threat for individual immunity and a pain in the
ass. I say his days are numbered. Peace, and have a great week!

Christine :)

Survivor 5.4

Remember when I used to send these out the night of the episode? I dunno
what happened to me, but I lay a lot of the blame at the feet of the
"Survivor" producers. I think I've never really recovered from their
decision to run two seasons of the show in one TV season (wouldn't it make
so much more sense to run Survivor over the first half and then run Amazing
Race in the same slot for the remainder?). And then they've either cast
a bunch of sorrowful losers this year or the island life is SO harsh that
no one has time to be anything but boring or awful. Seriously, this year
is so joyless. It's just sniping and choking and starving. And CBS trying
to promote it like America is really excited by a "battle or the sexes"
scenario where the men are lazy and the women are liars seems pretty
pathetic to me--and it's certainly not gonna tear people away from
"Friends." I mean, right now there are two types of people on the island:
People I hate, and people I don't hate. When do we get someone to really
pull for?

At Sucks Hard, Dumbb Robb asks the others if they are happy with their
decision because YES, he was stunned by Jed's ouster even though Ken tried
to tell him that's how it was gonna go down. He explains, "Dude, I didn't
see it coming--just goes to show you what an idiot I am." Capt. Jake says
he didn't want to vote anyone out and doesn't want to do it again. I never
understand that sentiment--I mean, if you're gonna win this game, then
ultimately you're gonna vote out almost everyone else. But Survivors act
all traumatized like, "I hope I never have to do THAT again!" Anyway, Shii
Ann says, "Yeah, I even expected you snarky bastards to make that futile
attempt to vote me out--but it still hurt!" Penny gets all fired up and
vows, "We aren't doing it again, we're gonna win everything else and kick
their asses!" She tells us that Jed, apparently in addition to being lazy,
was trying to "run the show" and that he "wouldn't listen to anyone else."
Why none of that appeared on camera, I haven't a clue because it sounds
kinda interesting.

Next morning: Stupid Steph is STILL sleeping out in the rain. She sulkily
tells us, "The others got rid of Prince Jed so piss on them. I don't care
what happens to those morons--you don't get rid of people who are helping
you." Er...I think that WAS the rationale for dumping him Steph. Survivor
Lesson: If you found yourself on a tribe with people you hate, if you
really wanna win (and why would you put yourself through all this if you
didn't--Gabe, I'm looking in your direction) you have to conform or at
least muzzle yourself. Look at Richard Hatch (preferably when he's
clothed). The guy hates everyone he's ever met and made no secret of his
contempt for his teammates when talking to the camera, but he still managed
to get Rudy and Stoopid Sue to pledge their undying devotion to him and
they voted for him to win the money even after he screwed them. When Steph
notices a bunch of dead squid on the beach, she could pull a Hatch and be
THE GREAT PROVIDER but Steph can't pass up the opportunity to bark at her
tribesmen about how lame she thinks they are. She angrily tosses the
squids into the pot and when Jake seems complimentarily astonished at how
much she found, instead of playing up her value to the team she scoffs,
"You lameasses must not be looking very hard because it's all over the
frickin' beach!" When Shii Ann tries to tell Steph not to put the rank
seafood in the same pot they use for their water, Steph squishes the squids
into Shii Ann's hands and goes all four-year-old on her, "FINE! Do
whatever you want, see if I CARE!" and goes off to sulk. Shii Ann
continues with her unnessesary obvious commentary, "Steph hates us!" But as
much as I hate Steph (and pray she's never my only chance of being pulled
to safety from a burning building) she does have a point--I mean have the
others REALLY never gotten up early enough to notice squads of squid on the
beach? They've been there 10 days for crying out loud. Steph mocks the
others to Robb, "They claim they're all tending the fire--like they all
need to be doing that? It's like the old lightbulb joke: how many of them
does it take?" Robb giggles like he understands what the hell she's
talking about--and that he cares. I think he only hangs with Steph in the
hopes she'll take her clothes off again.

Meanwhile, things are just downright awkward at Chewing Gum. Ghandia
brushes her teeth with sand and I don't CARE if that's some bizarre thing
some survival book told her do, it makes her seem even crazier. She
complains, "Ted's oh so childish way of handling my betraying his trust and
calling him a sexual predator is to just ignore me and so the others are
doing it too." Or maybe they've seen how you reward those who pay
attention to you, Ghandia. The boys soak in the ocean and talk (an
activity they like to refer to as "hunting") and Clay insists,
"Ihatedheronsightandthenshedidn'tseemasbadandthenyepsheturnedouttobebad."
Later, as everyone lays about, Ghandia sarcastically raves, "There's just
soooo much love oozing out of the cave! Even when people ignore you they
love you because they're teaching you a lesson!" Ghandia, did your momma
never hug ya? Helen tells us, "I used to work at a rape crisis center and
I work with men and therefore I believe Ghandia's version of the events."
Well, this woman believes Ted--about what happened that night, not about
the alleged "hunting" and "fishing." And Ghandia is practically
campaigning to be voted out at this point, "Does anyone make you THIS
uncomfortable? Aren't I kind of unpredictable and untrustworthy? Wanna
see me waste more of my precious energy on throwing rocks in the ocean as
an expression of my uncontrollable rage?" This woman has kids, people. Jan
goes out to mark a chalk hash mark on a rock--hey, forget 10 days, four
hours with Chewing Gum feels like prison to me too!

Reward Haiku

drag around dead weight
to win a banana prize
no, not Ghandia

No one understands that Clay wanted help carrying a dummy until they read
the poem and even then, they're skeptical. Once they realize he wasn't
lying, they get really into decorating "Chewing Gal." I thought it was
really nice how they all banded together and it was a real shame that the
decorating had zero to do with the challenge but, oh well. The Sucks carry
their dummy (no, not Robb) back to camp and then no one does anything.
Erin and Jake make half-hearted suggestions but when no one supports them,
they back off. Steph goes off to sulk--wait, no, she goes off to come up
with a warrior dummy design and then she comes back and decorates the dummy
all by herself while the others sit around glumly like Jehovah's Witnesses
excused from class when it's time to exchange valentines. "Steph didn't
want our help, and well, what Steph wants, Steph gets!" Shii Ann explains.
Question: Is CBS editing out the parts where Steph gets drunk and beats the
hell out of them at night? I mean seriously, why the hell are they so
afraid of her?

Reward Beach. The dummies are introduced to one another--I think they'd
make a cute couple. The challenge is the teams have to lug the dummies
around the island, which isn't easy because they weigh 250 lbs. They have
to take them up hills and stuff and if they win they get oodles of bananas
and a "mystery food reward" which will be back at the winning tribe's camp.
Jeff was so coy about it that I rolled my eyes and thought "Doritos and
Mountain Dew," but it turns out to be chickens. Shii Ann sits out for the
Sucks, who, after much grunting and falling, totally win the very physical
challenge as one might expect. The Sucks actually clap politely for
Chewing Gum as they stumble in to finish, which was nice. Then Jeff says,
"Hey guys, by all means be total creeps and eat the bananas in front of the
losers," and of course they do, which was not so nice.

Naturally, morale is low back at Chewing Gum, where the boys all agree that
Jan is old and weak and that Ghandia was doing even less carrying than
Chewing Gal (d'ya think the dummies will go up on EBAY?) did. Meanwhile,
the girls are working around camp and Ghandia is furious because she knows
she's being blamed for the loss (because she knows she sucked?). "I didn't
come on this show to win bananas, I came here to win a million dollars!"
Both will elude her. Then she says, "This is a game of will!" She
actullay makes some valid points--too bad she's already blown her
credibility with the guys, who are out "fishing." The girls are all bitter
that they are doing all the cooking and cleaning while the boys play golf
and pretend to get food. Clay goes off claiming that in this primitve
jungle environment, the men and women have naturally fallen into their
preordained roles: men hunt, women cook and clean. First of all, if the
cavemen were as lazy and weak and back-spasmy as Clay NONE of us would be
here now. Secondly, I can promise you all that I HAVE no ancient repressed
cook/clean/barefootpregnant gene just waiting to come out should I ever get
shipwrecked off the coast of Thailand with Clay and he would probably
starve to death waiting for it except I'd have brained him with his stupid
golf club within hours of our ordeal. I'm reserving judgment on the porn
star not because he was cute--his looks are starting go. But when he went
into HIS little "women in the kitchen, men on the prowl" riff, it SEEMED
like he was kidding. If I'm wrong, there'll be plenty of time to hate him
later. Anyway, Ghandia wants to get in the guys' faces about it, but Helen
tells us, "They aren't gonna listen! Look, as I like to point out once an
episode, I work with men and I know how to handle jerks like Ted and Clay:
Ted is a pathetic ex-jock who's always gonna be trying to recapture that,
and Clay is over 50 and from the South so naturally he doesn't respect
women, right? So I'm just gonna suck it up and defer to them--Ghandia's
not being smart," and then they cut to a ridiculous image of Helen walking
on Clay's back--you can't say Helen didn't come to play.

Back at Sucks Hard, everyone eats lots of bananas. Robb offers praise and
thanksgiving to the lord, but it was unclear whether he was talking about
Jesus Christ or Tony Hawk. Then they meet the chickens, who are met with
the same predictable "make eggs or die" threat that all Survivor chickens
face. Robb clucks at them, and they cluck back: "What a *be-GOCK* idiot!"


Immunity Haiku

solving mind puzzles
not nearly as challenging
as healing ones tribe

Jeff explains that the groups will be solving tangram puzzles for immunity.
He actually says, "If you lose, you get another date with me," which would
be very confusing to me even if I weren't half-starved. I'd be like,
"We're losing this one, right guys?" Steph sits out for the Sucks. They
make a big deal about solving the puzzles in pairs but the whole team is
assembled to shout out directions so I don't see that it *really* mattered
who they picked. Was any one else disturbed by how...helpful and sane Robb
seemed?? The Sucks won fairly easily and Jeff pulls a Dick Clark on
Pyramid and makes a big show of pointing out what Chewing Gum
woulda-coulda-shoulda done to win. I think he's kinda sick of them.

Back at Chewing Gum, Ghandia is obviously not pleased that they lost but
feels there will be a guy/girl split on the votes. She wants to oust Clay
and Jan agrees, calling him old and lazy and a chauvanist. I'm not
disputing any of this but it's funny to me that they always insert a shot
of Clay playing golf when someone says, "Clay's backwards!" *putt* "Clay's
from another time" *drive* Ghandia goes to Helen and tells her they should
gun for Clay. Helen frowns, "Not...TED??? The guy who practically raped
you?" "Oh...no...er...well, girl, you know if it was up to ME of course
we'd get rid of him--I am still soooo traumatized, for sure, but Jan thinks
we still need him--of course I think that's SILLY but, what're ya gonna
do?" Helen wisely lets Ghandia do all the talking and nods her head a lot
but doesn't actually commit to anything. She tells us she's conflicted,
"But I still believe Ghandia, I really do!" Helen is like, the only person
who still even CARES about that whole grinding mess. Helen goes into the
vote knowing that she forces a tie if she votes out Clay but ousts Ghandia
if she votes for her. She says, "I've heard both sides," though we never
see who amongst the men is lobbying her. I'm wondering if Brian and Helen
don't have some sort of alliance? She didn't bad mouth him earlier as she
did Clay and Ted. Just a thought.

Tribal Council Lounge

My sister heard a radio interview with Jeff Probst and he said that Tribal
Council usually lasts almost an hour and that he'll go around asking the
same leading questions until the producers get something interesting out of
them. I think they should have taken a couple hours with this group, it
was the same old same old "we're tired and hot and hungry and miserable but
we will endure!" craporama until Ghandia said that some people weren't
doing their share. She and Clay got into but it was in that bizarre third
person way, "Some tribe members--who will remain nameless--can't see fit to
get up off their lazy asses and work!" And Clay responds, "Let's say,
hypothetically, that some people go get crabs and squid every three days or
so--wouldn't these imaginary men deserve to lay around the rest of the
time?" Onto the vote.

Ted votes for Ghandia, "I hate you. REALLY. I never want to see you ever
again." Um, anyone want to volunteer to tell him about the three hour
reunion special? No one? ;D Clay thinks he's hilarious by writing "Bye
Bye" all over the vote card and naming Denver Diva as the victim. But when
Jeff pulls it out he says something I've always dreamed would happen: He
doesn't get the reference, so he holds up the vote and says, "Uh, would the
dumbass who wrote this please tell me who this is supposed to be for?" And
Clay tries to be all sly and point to Ghandia, imploring Jeff with his eyes
not to call him out and Jeff bellows, "Clay? You did this? Well I don't
know what you mean!" "Uh...er...guh...that's...her, Denver Diva--," Clay
stammers. "From now on stop trying to be clever--you're obviously not good
at it. From now on, write a real name!!" Wouldn't it be ironic if he went
to all that trouble just to avoid the embarassment of mispelling Ghandia?
Ghandia goes down 4-2. Jeff tells them to get the hell out of his face.
Ghandia's exit speech is odd because she pretty much admits that accusing
Ted was just really bad strategy on her part--had she just apologized to
him like a woman, she might not be gone.

Interestingly enough, Ghandia is eliminated in the same space as fellow
black women Ramona and Linda. No other similarities: Ramona was too sick
to really compete whereas Linda was ousted by the evil Gen Xers. Ghandia
obliterated herself. Also at this stage, Jerri stooge Mitch was taken out
by the surprising Keith/Colby/Tina coalition who took it all the way to the
end in season two. Last year, boobarific Sarah was taken out by the NEW
Maramuu--at this stage last year we had already shifted the tribes. That
will happen this week according to the CBS promos, though this time Jeff
seems to be asking for volunteers--Steph would be wise to take him up on
his offer--if things stay as they are, she and Jan are most likely toast.

Peace! Christine :)

Survivor 5.3

My sister is sending out my review for me which I have just written on a friend's (thanks Chris!)computer because mine has been felled by the evil Klez virus--I think. The good people at Gateway are taking their own sweet time in telling me anything. I miss my computer :(

Night at Chewing Gum. A river of scary bugs crawls through the jungle as cool foreboding music plays. Clays tells us, "We'vehaduhtwoimmunitychallengesandwe'velostandarewardchallenges
andwe'velostthatbutjustourtribesafamilythere'snodoubtaboutitandwe'rehappyweunderstand
eachother'spersonalitywelikeeachother'spersonalities." A family that's about to need a trip to social services, perhaps. The next segment could be titled "reasonable doubt," as Ted flirts with Ghandia ("Are those your real colored eyes"--I mean,c'mon ) and she tells us that Ted's a real comfort to her, "He's like a surrogate husband. He's just good to hug." *Mixed Message Alert*

Rainy Morning at Sook Jai. Dumb sick Steph is still sleeping out in the rain. The Sucks sit dejectedly in Moby Shack. Robb tells us, "Dude, this is like, the most weakest and drained I've ever felt you know what I'm saying?" Jake's feet are all blisters. Shii Ann tells us, "We're horrible campers, we're terrible outdoorsmen and we are starving." Does she think we DON'T watch "Survivor"? In other words, as I pointed out in naming them, they SUCK. Penny says the fishing gear wasn't much reward as no one there knows jack squat about fishing--I said that too. I rule! ;) Jake claims it's because none of them have any "beach experience." I think the whole lying around all day thing is an issue too, coach, though there appears to be some footage of Steph and Jed trying to catch fish. I guess if it doesn't involve the "fort," they'll occasionally work, who knew? They catch one tiny fish. Robb says, "Dude, fish come from the ocean but we don't know how to get to them. Look at my hands. LOOK AT MY HANDS!"

Morning at Chewing Gum. I'm not gonna do my whole "putting words in people's mouths" shtick at this point, because I think it's important to be clear about what was actually said--and when. Ghandia tells us she woke up feeling used and depressed. She says that while she has enjoyed sleeping next to Ted, he was "grinding against her" last night in a sexual way and no one does Ghandia like that and he should respect her. So Ted and Ghandia have a chat and Ted cops to the alleged grinding behavior, saying that he was asleep and thought that Ghandia was his wife. He apologizes profusely and when Ghandia says she feels like trash Ted is horrified. Ghandia says she was once raped and then blamed for it, and had feared that Ted would blame her for this as well. Ted tells her it was his fault and that they won't sleep next to one another and that it won't happen again. They hug and Ghandia says "You're a good person." Ted tells us confidently, "We're a family, we'll always be cool." End of story? Not on your life. We now return to the exaggeration portion of the review.

Reward Haiku

steal from the others
remember momma's warning
cheaters don't prosper

Jeff gives the tribes a history lesson about their island being ruled by pirates until the the 1960's. The challenge has the competitors running down a bamboo course to a boat. They take baskets from the opposing team's boat and run back to their own boat. First team to ten baskets wins, only two people from each team on the course at any one time. There are CLEARLY MARKED attack zones where you can throw the other team's member off the course, preventing them from adding that basket. Jeff makes it abundantly clear that one can only attack another tribe when the attacker and the attackee are BOTH in the CLEARLY MARKED attack zone. The reward? A visit from two elite Red Beret's from the Thai military, who will teach the winning tribe how to make the most of their surroundings--where to find food, for example. Capt. Jake and Lil' Erin sit out. Many of you have written to say that Penny and Erin seem like the same person. Remember, Erin is the shy girl with big boobs who wears the fishing hat. Penny is more of a tomboy who seems like she walked off Walton's Mountain and often wears a red football jersey.

Of course, the Sucks get off to an early lead. Then Ted and Robb engage in the attack zone. Ted gets on his hands and knees to lower his center of gravity and lame ass Robb tries to jump over Ted, who upends him and dumps him in the drink. CBS, knowing how united in hatred for Robb our nation has become, shows it in slooooooow motion. Robb yells at Shii Ann to engage Brian and take him into the water with her but she fails. Robb seems perplexed that Shii Ann doesn't know kung fu. Ken the Kop defeats Porn Star Brian, then tosses Hostile Helen. Robb exults until Jeff DQ's Ken for beginning his attack of Helen out of the zone and Robb, classless bastard that he is, flips off my Jeff. Oh no he DI'N'T!!! >:( He should've been DQ'd for that, imho. At any rate, the wheels start to come off for the Sucks. Robb grabs Clay by the throat OUT OF THE ZONE and then tries to lie about it but Jeff is not fooled and Robb is out of the competition. Every time someone is DQ'd, one of their team's baskets is given to the other team, so the tide shifts fast. Jeff points out, "Sook Jai, you're self destructing." Robb brays at Clay that he's a "whiny little baby." Yet oddly, it's Robb who's throwing a hissy fit. And here i was worried last week about Robb being quiet: as Shakespeare said, the empty vessel makes the loudest sound. Steph attacks Ted but falls in the water, so she grabs Ted and pulls him in to join her. Jeff sighs, "Steph, the attack zone is clearly NOT in the water, YET ANOTHER STUPID PENALTY for you guys--who were winning easily." Robb throws his hands up at the unfairness of it all. Jed the Dentist takes a flying leap at Porn Star Brian from--you guessed it--outside the zone. It was kind of like watching a Cincinnati Bengal's game. Chewing Gum wins easily as the Sucks sulk.

The Wisdumb of Robb

Back at Moby Shack, Robb insists "Dude, I don't mind getting beat [yeah, right] but I was better than those guys. That backwoods hick! Weak, whiny little punk! Did you hear him screaming at me--assuming you could hear him over the deafening sound of MY whining and screaming? I wanted to punch him!" Well, uh, you DID choke him, Robb, you'll always have that. Everybody else seems dumbfounded by Robb's idiocy, and by everyone I mean everyone except Jed and Steph who are presumably off at the beach being snarky. Shii Ann complains to us, "Robb, idiot that he is, never shuts up. I doubt a rational thought ever crosses his brain." Shii Ann's mastery over the obvious might not seem like much, but on this little tribe of fools it's enough to anoint her my favorite, at least for now. Robb continues to rannt, "Dude. We didn't get beat by a better team, we got beat by a bunch of freaking rules!!" Yes Robb, that's what makes you CHEATERS. "Yeah, we're gonna go eight strong into the immunity challenge and shut that hillbilly up!" Except for the two people who sit out...rightt Robb?" Ken has a "Can you believe dis guy?" grin on his face the whole time that Robb is raving--did I actually say that Ken wasn't my type? He's got this whole Viggo Mortensen thing going on. Anyway, Robb finishes by saying that Ted has a small penis. Then he pulls the ULTIMATE big baby loser card: "Dude, whatever. I didn't want to win anyway." Robb tells us, "Maybe if the reward was for a big Turkey cooked by my Mommy. I mean, maybe we could get them to finish the shelter that we have no intention of doing ourselves. What are these Red Berets gonna teach us that's useful? Wait...dude, do they know the difference between my ass and a hole in the ground?" The Red Berets come to Chewing Gum and teach the tribe that pretty much everything in the camp can be eaten or used to obtain or prepare food. The Porn Star tells us there's "a genuine sense of niceness amongst us and it's hard no to be genuine. Once it goes away, we're in trouble."

It Goes Away

Ghandia decides to tell the girls about "what Ted did." She tells us, "Sure, I accepted his apology to his face, but now I think he didn't mean it." She doesn't talk to him, she talks to the girls and, as she puts it, "I was a little hard on him in the retelling." **Sexual Harassment Disclaimer** The fact that Ghandia is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and needs a magazine rack for all her issues shouldn't make it easier for people to dismiss legitimate sexual harassment claims out of hand...but it probably will--women everywhere say Thanks Ghandia! Ghandia tells a shocked Jan and an eager-to-believe-the-worst-about-men Helen, "Yo, Ted was all up on me last night, and I was like, 'Ghandia don't play that, nuh uh!' I got to stick with my girls!" Jan looks alarmed when Ghandia brings up the previously unmentioned "sexy biting" and "stroking of hair." The ever helpful Helen warns Ghandia, "You don't want it to look like you're weak--like you can't handle the situation!" Lord knows what "women who work with boys don't cry" Helen's men issues are, but Ghandia is eagerly sucking up to her, the same Helen who Ghandia wanted to vote out last week for being an emotionless freak. It's like Ghandia had a script in her head of what Ted was supposed to say--he wasn't supposed to believe her or apologize, for some reason she wants to be the wronged party more than she wants to be happy or honest. She tells us with a shrug, "But everything I said was true. The only thing I think I left out was the part where Ted apologized." Yes, that's what she actually says.

Meanwhile, at the Sucks Hard camp, oodles of edible crabs wander the beach, leaving behind telltale balls of sand. But they hide from the lazy miserable Sucks. Jed--the anti-Clay--tells us, "I woke from my nap after shirking my responsibilities and trying to look like I was doing something and the fishnet was gone. Basically we looked for it...whoever was watching it last and that may or may not have been me didn't delegate their duties and it drifted off." Then we get Robb and Jed's hella lame adventure, where they sort of half-heartedly walk up the beach looking for the fishnet. Robb giggles in that way known around the globe as the "that boy's not right" laugh and says, "Dude, we wanted it to be a magic fishnet that the fish just jumped into already cleaned and made into fish sticks but that can't happen now because it ran away!" Jake tells the womenfolk about the missing net. Shii Ann mocks them, "those lameass boys left it in the ocean and--surprise! It floated away while they were sleeping." One of the best moments in "Survivor" history follows, with the CBS cameras showing the clueless boys "searching" the water as the net floats a few yards off shore. Interestingly enough, this tribe DOES have a BOAT, but no one bothers to get in it to look around for the not-so-lost net. I guess its because they don't have any "beach experience"? Or...brains in their heads??

Back at Chewing Gum, Helen tells us she's been so consumed with "living off the land" that "I just now realized I'm playing a game where people might have to like me for me to win...CRAP!" Then she tells Brian "All the girls are voting out Ted the sex offender." Brian tells us he's gonna play it cool and hear the other side of the story: "Listening is very important." The Porn Star has so much to teach us. So, he goes to Ted man to man and foolish Ted, thinking that what happened between him and Ghandia has remained betwixt them says, "I'm a man of my word, I rectified the situation, and that's all I have to say." "So nothing happened that I have to worry about?" "Nope." So then foolish Brian, not realizing how it will be construed, tells Helen that Ted says there's nothing to worry about: nothing happened. Helen runs to Ghandia and says, "Brian says that Ted said that nothing happened," and then, like she's playing some sort of sick, high stakes game of "telephone" adds something no one came close to saying: "I guess it was a figment of your imagination, you liar."
In the Navy: Helen orders you: don't cry!
In the Navy: Helen tells you that men lie!
In the Navy: Hard to believe she has a guy!
In the Navy! In the Navy!
We want you! We want you! We want you to be voted out!

So Ghandia starts running up and down the beach shrieking like a maniac and throwing rocks in the ocean and beating her fists against a tree trunk. As if the moment wasn't uncomfortable enough, Clay has to tell us, MytwoyearolddidthatonceIwhuppedhisassandputhimbacktobed." Ay yi yi. Brian tells the Thai guys that they're lucky they don't understand what's going on--hey Brian, you don't have to be Thai to not know what the hell is going on at Chewing Gum. Ted calls everyone together and tells them about "the grinding" (anyone else getting Ken Starr flashbacks?) and about how he apologized to Ghandia and she accepted and how he never told Brian that Ghandia was a liar. Ghandia looks at the ground, admits that she accepted his apology and THEN talked behind his back and...you didn't bite me? No? Let's forget about it then. Clay can't end the meeting fast enough, "Let'sstoptalkingaboutsexybitingandgrindingandlet'sgofishing!" Ghandia sulks.

Sucks Hard Immunity Haiku

now'd be a nice time
to send that lazy dentist
back to lone star land

Lil' Erin tells us, "We thought this tribe was really cool at the beginning because we were all so young and pretty, but now we're tired and hungry and ready to get rid of some of these jerks." America tries not to get it's collective hopes up. Jeff greets the campers at the beach, looking oh so hot in khaki shorts and a black long-sleeved shirt and shades. "This challenge is going to take all of you collective brain power to figure this out," he says of the giant puzzle the groups have to take apart and reassemble. The Sucks sit out Ken and Penny. Jeff frowns, "Erm...you heard be right? I said collective BRAIN power...you sure you don't want to sit out Jed and Robb?" Chewing Gum works as a team while the Sucks let Jed and Robb flounder in the leadership role. Chewing Gum wins immunity--it ain't even close.

Back at camp, Shii Ann tell us she and Jake could have stepped in and solved the puzzle had they wanted to--they just didn't want to. The writing on the wall is bold and clear: The tribe wants Jed out. Jed, Robb and Steph are idiots though, in their own little world on Snarky Beach. Robb tells them, "Dude, bless her heart, but Shii Ann just gets on my nerves." Jed expends as much energy as we've ever seen laughing at this, despite the fact it isn't remotely funny. Robb, surely not realizing what constitutes a majority in a group of 8 people says, "Dude, the majority of us have decided to vote out Shii Ann. She's just not as hot as the other chicks in the tribe and she won't look at my hands anymore. She just tries too hard---people who try make me feel bad." So he goes to enlist Ken, and Ken pretty much tells him, "Robb, we are voting out Jed because his laziness pisses us off and he's hurting our tribe." And Robb doesn't get it. He probably doesn't warn Steph or Jed because I honestly don't think it registered. He checks his reflection in his mirrored sunglasses, to ensure his buff is placed *just so* on his grotesquely large head (there, I said it). Our nerves are calmed again by Erin who says, "Rain. No food. It sucks being a Suck. We need unity so we need to get rid of some of these nap-taking, shelter-shirking, net-loosing punks." So we know it's Steph, Robb or Jed. Emphasis on Jed.

Tribal Council Lounge

Jeff grins, "Smiles everyone, smiles! Fire represents life--you should know that by now but that over-elaborate shelter that's going to become irrelevant at the merge seems to indicate you all have never watched the show...plus you don't seem to care much about rules. When I say leave the tribal council area immediately, leave immediately: no obscene gestures or choking, please." He asks Shii Ann if she's surprised by anything so far: "I'm kinda surprised that CBS left us here to die." Jed's not surprised: "I think we just have to eat snails---they're the only things slower than we are---until we die which will hopefully be soon." Then he looks kinda betrayed when Robb says he's trying to keep working hard. I think Robb thinks CBS really might give them food if he keeps talking about how "high energy" he is. Dude, Robb, everyone WANTS to see you die of starvation---show of hands? Look at our hands. LOOK AT OUR HANDS! Then Steph tries to explain HER laziness thusly: "It's a lot harder on us muscular, athletic types to go without food--we get grumpy. The people that weren't in great shape to begin with have it easier." smooth, Steph, real smooth. Jeff tries to make Jake bad for picking this team, "Hey, you had to cast them before I got to pick 'em--Steph and Jed are big duds for CBS same as they are for me, am I right?" "Don't belittle the process!" Jeff barks, "Onto the vote!"

Vote time: Ken votes out Jed saying, "If you'd done half the chores you tried to "delegate" to other people, dis wouldn't be happening, dumbass." Robb tells Shii Ann that she never fit in with everyone else so he'll catch her on the flip side. Now, let me just say here that I have on several occasions, over the seasons, had people say "Catch you on the flip side" at Tribal Council because I think it's really funny to imagine that someone would choose to say something that lame and trite on television but Robb ACTUALLY said it. It's all coming together for this writer, I tell you what.

So Jeff tallies the votes (*sigh* I am so pathetic) and tries to milk the drama by reading Steph, Robb and Jed's votes for Shii Ann early. Shii Ann seems very amused. Steph and Robb--not so much, when they realize they are *not* in the majority. Jed's exit speech started, "I just wish everyone..." but then I fell asleep. We lose our first Texan. He joins fellow third week casualties Stacy, who accused Mark Burnett of rigging her ouster, Mad Dog, who was betrayed by best friend and eventual game winner Tina, Carl (a fellow dentist--coincidence???), who lost the tie-breaker to Lindsey and gave the evil Gen-X ers of Samburu a brief sense of power and my fiancée Hunter--I'm still not quite over the loss--who's elimination was orchestrated by Sean and Boston Rob--all to V's benefit. Next week (okay, tonight, whatever) we COULD have a tie at Chewing Gum if the guys and girls really are split along gender lines, but I'd bet that Ghandia is more likely to be a unanimous victim--Vecepia had it right, "too much drama!" At Sucks Hard, Robb would be perfect but I think they get rid of Steph first, just in case they need his brawn for one more week--the guy DOES help build the precious, all-consuming Moby Shack shelter. Have a great week--and keep those virus definitions up to date, people!

Peace, Christine :)

Survivor 5:2 Lots and lots of eye-rolling

Robb wasn't nearly as annoying this week, but fyi: death by bag of hammers was the easy winner in last weeks poll.

Morning at Chewing Gum:

Chewing Gum is sleeping underneath a bushel of bats *shudder," reason #75 why I will never be a contestant on Survivor. Clay snores which most people seem to find amusing at this point--we'll see how they're holding up in a couple weeks. Helen muses (it's hard to call any of her behavior actually *joking* but I think this was an attempt) that one wouldn't guess a guy as puny as Clay could make that much sound. Helen and Clay seem to see the other as a nemesis. Helen and Jan go off to get the water in the crappy boat that fills with water and sand as you paddle, making the long journey to the water all the more difficult.

Clay tells us, "HelenandJanwenttogetwateranddin'ttakethemapthat'sHelen'sdeal Iknowwhereitisknowwhereitisthat'sthefirstthingthatweaskedwelldin't
theytakethemaptheydin'ttakethemap!" Commas were not a luxury item Clay brought with him. He did bring a golf club, and he, Ted and Porn Star Brian play a few..er...holes. Seriously there was something for both sexes here: women can roll their eyes at the men wasting energy on creating an elaborate golf course while the womenfolk are off working, men can smirk at the women getting lost because they don't take the map. Though I think we can forget about gender lines and say, "What a bunch of idiots!"

Helen and Jan *I guess* thought they'd just remember what the water cove looked like (seems someone could have tied a shirt or something to a tree as a marker that last time they were there--reason 1 I SHOULD be a contestant on Survivor!). So they wander around from cove to cove on a scavenger hunt. Helen is insufferable. She's obviously very proud of her athletic prowess and she's in the Navy and thinks of herself as a badass so why she's griping about the weaker Jan not doing her share is beyond me. Hostile Helen complains, "There were lots of snake holes everywhere--and Jan nicely offered to stay with the boat during all these explorations!" AS IF Helen would have trusted Jan's opinion if Jan had come back saying this was the wrong cove. You know and I know and the American people know that Helen would have checked it again "just to make sure." And I think someone should stay with the boat--what if it drifted off? Helen goes on, "We kept stupidly going in the wrong direction...And Jan, she's a nice lady and a strong swimmer--and I'm an EXPERT on THAT. But she's so weak compared to me so I had to compensate and row twice as hard PLUS do all the searching because she's so old and frail. You can't get mad at someone for that." Ya sure, Helen? Because you sure SOUND like you're mad at Jan. Helen goes on, "It was a nightmare. If I'd had a gun I would shot Jan first then myself." You can tell she's had military training because she gets it in the right order.

Meanwhile, life at Sucks Hard is sucking. Hard. Because of the shelter which Jake informs us, "has been the first priority since we got here." No freakin' duh. Jake almost gets beaned by an errant beam--no construction helmets in Survivor--they might be used as crab traps! Ken the Kop describes the elaborate rain gutters he envisions while Jed the Dentist rolls his eyes. Everyone is irritated at Jed and Steph, who haven't contributed much of any effort to the building of their great obsession: Moby Shack. Ken opines, "It's one thing to be lazy, but to be FREAKIN' lazy?" Nice of Ken to edit himself here. I swear too much myself but I would be so mortified to actually get bleeped on TV. Jed cooks taro (I guess) while Steph pitches in by fetching the water (which we were told is very easy). Jed condescendingly refers to the shelter the others are building as "the fort." I did think it was funny when Steph said, "Maybe we're looking at this all wrong: maybe we don't need food or water to survive." But mocking and whining is a far cry from hunting and gathering, sweeties, and deliberately separating yourselves from the group at this point of the game is muy odd. There is voting later on, you guys. Dumbb Robb isn't put out by Jed, "Dude, he didn't really help us or but he's cooking roots and fetching me water which is pretty cool--it's like he works for me." Robb was entirely too quiet this week, I was counting on his stupidity as a cornucopia of comedy.

At Chewing Gum, the boys are tired of their little game and starting to worry. Elsewhere, Helen has found the water hole. She makes a big deal of telling us she was the one who found it--yeah honey, four hours later! She fills the jug and returns to the boat where Jan is waiting. Jan is floating in the water, which Helen takes as some sort of personal affront. The currant is too strong for the ladies to row in so the others swim to get them. Clay is tickled to death, "Tookemfourorfivehourstogetbackyouhavetoberealcareful
everycorneryouturnyougotsandprettytreesprettyeverythingI'llbetshedon'tgo
offlikethataginshelookedrealwornoutsheactedlikeshewasn'tbutshewas!" Jan shares a laugh with her tribesmen about their wayward adventure, Helen goes off to sulk.

At Sucks Hard, Jake declares, "I'm not admitting I was a total idiot or nuthin,' seein' as how its monsoon season and all and we DO need a shelter, but I've decreed that we can go out and find food--just this once." The captain is joined by Shii Ann, Penny, Erin and Ken. Robb, Jed and Steph stay behind to place bets on how badly the searchers will fare, and basically be snarky slugs. Jed whines, "You don't need five people to go get food. Who's gonna work on that shelter I have no intention of helping with?" Jed is missing the game within a game thing. Part of Survivor is getting people to like you enough not to vote for you. A hard thing to accomplish when you refuse to spend any time with most of them.

The workers wind up finding some dead fish on the beach, but further up the shore they find loads of oysters and crabs, "Working together as a team is exhilarating!" Shii Ann raves, but she is seriously bummed when she realizes the bums back at camp didn't bother to boil water or get anything ready. Jed, Steph and Robb refuse to even join the workers in the meal. Then they refuse to sleep in Moby Shack and curl up on the beach. Prince Jed complains, "I can't sleep in that ghastly fort everyone except me is building!" Robb predicts, "Dude, I think it's gonna be a clear night." Yeah, because people from Arizona know so much about when its gonna rain. I cackled with glee when it started pouring and crabs were crawling all over them. Robb goes to the shelter, and Jed has the audacity to crawl under the shelter and use it--and his tribesmen as cover. Jed is a royal ass. He shrugs, "I slept like a baby and I don't really care what they think about me---if they get to drink the water that I pour in cups for them, then I should get to sleep under this stupid fort!" Jed knows there's voting in this game, right? Meanwhile, firewoman Steph has slept outside during the monsoon, "I---*ahchoo*--really---*cough*--love the---*wretch*---rain!" the sick woman insists. Jed and Steph are even lamer than Robb--and that's just sad.

Chewing Gum. Brian plays a song on his guitar while Ted sings about food and a monkey comes to watch. Jan coos, "He's so cute!" Bitey was the word that keeps springing to my mind. Clay enthuses, "Welookedupinthetreean'aMagillunwassittinuptherenotahundredfeetfromus
likehewasgoingtoaconcertorsumpinhewascuriousIguess!" Then the gang drinks coconut milk to begin the day and Helen says, "This is my champagne toast for my anniversary." Clay frowns, but whether its due to Helen's blatant begging for attention or if its on account of the thought of actually being married to Helen remains unclear. Ghandia and Tanya go off to find flowers to make Helen an anniversary crown--apparently there's not a lot of work to be done there if you already have shelter and you don't play golf.

Reward Haiku:

one will be the eyes
the rest shoulder the burden
all race for fishhooks

Then we get Clay saying that this is the part of the game where you really need that reward--as if there's ever a time in this freaking game when you'd be like, "Food, meh, I could take it or leave it." Ghandia makes an odd comment about using her substantial (hey SHE brought it up) cleavage to distract the other team. The challenge is quite complicated--one team member sits in a litter and is carried by the rest of the team who are blindfolded. Seeing person shouts orders to get them safely to various checkpoints along a zig-zaggy course. The reward--a measly lantern and some fishing gear--hardly seemed worth it to me. Sickly Steph gets a break and gets to sit out. Penny sees for Sucks Hard and Tanya for Chewing Gum. There's a lot of yelling and a lot of people being hit by branches and posts. At one point Jake gets whapped REALLY HARD by a post and yells at Penny, "You ran me into a TREE!" "Whatever grandpa, straight, straight!" Jake whimpers, "I dunno if you heard me *sniffle* a tree!" "It was a post you blindfolded moron, LEFT LEFT!" It's a very close race but Sucks Hard wins AGAIN.

At Chewing Gum, morale is low. Jan tries to pick everyone up, "I know we can do it, we're gonna git 'em!" Helen shrugs, "I'm a Red Sox fan, I know there's always a tomorrow. The other Gums shake with horror when they realize Helen has infected the tribe with the Curse of the Babe. Then they spring the anniversary surprise on her. They say, "Can we talk to you?" "Are you gonna vote me out? I KNEW it! I just knew---" "Er...no. we made this crown of flowers and we're gonna sing for you!" They sing a horrible--but sincere--song and Helen is moved. She tells us, "I was really paranoid all day because they were leaving me out of things all day and so naturally I assumed they were all plotting against me." This attitude does not bode well for Helen, but when she wonders how you can possibly vote out people who'd go and do something as nice as the anniversary crown party, I thought, "She's hostile and paranoid and bossy but at least she has some moral integrity."

Meh, I still want her out.

Tanya can't keep down the crab meat, and everyone frets. The gang finds some dead squid on the beach and decides to eat it--which sounds like a TV Guide synopsis of a really bad idea but no one dies do I guess its okay. Helen immediately takes charge: "I bought uncleaned squid at the supermarket this one time, so I know what to do--plus I'm in the Navy, so back off! *I feel some Village People coming on...*

In the Navy: Helen will teach you how to swim!
In the Navy: Her demeanor's pretty grim!
In the Navy: Her chance of winning this is slim!
In the Navy! In the Navy!
We want you, we want you, we want you to be voted out!

Clay agrees, "EverythingssodeadlyseriouswithHelenthere'snofuntoheratall
noplaytohershe'ssupposedtobesomesortofmarineexpertshe'slikean
encyclopdiayouopenherupthere'snothingfuntoreadthereyougotherewhen
youneedinformation." I think he agrees. Anyway, Helen tries to bully everyone into eating the squid before they feel its cooked enough, "I KNOW how to cook squid, okay? I'm in the damned Navy. SO it tastes bad, so what?"

Immunity Poem--I have to say the REAL immunity poem was one of there best ever. I didn't write it down, so if you missed it tough, but it was really good. Fake poem:

you must swim fastest
and assemble the flower
or weaken your tribe

Jake's like, "It sounds like some sort of swimming deal, or water deal." I really hate when they try to act like they're smart for figuring out the easiest poems and by they I mean all of the Survivors ever because they all do it. Sometimes it really is a riddle but when it straight up SAYS swim with the fastest stroke or whatever, don't act like you've cracked some sort of CIA code by saying, "I'll bet we have to swim, dude!" The challenge involves swimming out to get a floating wood petal to attach to a floating flower. I think Shii Ann sat out for the Sucks. Any way, Erin falls, Jeff winces, everyone swims and the Sucks BARELY win yet again. Of course Robb jumps around howling like a moron.

Everyone's bummed at the Chewing Gum camp--three straight losses. Apparently Jan screwed up the puzzle and cost them valuable time (I totally missed this if it happened on camera and I watch pretty intently...OBVIOUSLY) and she apologizes. later, Ted, Ghandia and Clay discuss voting strategies as they float in the water. Ghandia snarls, "I'd rather vote for Helen than Jan, she's getting on my nerves, yo!" Ted argues that they need her strength and Clay agrees but makes fun of Helen and how she makes everything out to be a huge deal: "I'm going over to this place to pick up this leaf and then I'm bringing it back here." It was pretty funny :) Ghandia tells us she wants to vote out Helen but Tanya is so sick she might have to vote her out. Helen wonders if Tanya's sweet personality might save her, "I can't speak from experience, but I've observed that other humans often enjoy the company of pleasant people."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff smiles at Chewing Gum, "Well, it's never fun to come to Tribal Council but, hey, you get to see more of me. Ted, how's the morale?" "It's declining. It's still high but it's declining. We're still a family. Not for long, mind you, but...still." Ghandia agrees and predicts a big win is coming for the underdogs. Clay says, "Theythinkwe'reawashbutIthinkit'sgonnacomewherethey'reseeingyouallthetimeandnotus!"
Jeff tries not to take Clay's not wanting to see him personally, "Tanya, did you know how tough this was gonna be?" "No sir! I've been camping lots and lots of times but usually you bring fruit roll ups and sandwiches and punch and if someone forgets to bring the cooler why, you just drive up the road to the grocery store. Sometimes they even have vending machines at the campgrounds!" Jeff turns his attention to Hostile Helen, "Helen, and I'm not asking you this for any reason, I may as well have picked your name out of a hat, but...how're you fitting in with the others?" "I am constantly wondering: "Am I fitting in? Did I say the right thing?" Am I cold and off-putting? Is my military training threatening to the men? Are they plotting to vote me out? Are they planning to kill me? But then I think, that anniversary party was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me--and wouldn't they be scumbags to turn around and vote me out after that? I almost cried but I couldn't allow that--I'm under strict orders not to cry." When Helen explains to the baffled bunch that the guys she works with told her not to cry and that's why she refuses to do so, Ghandia rolls her eyes and so do I. Helen imagines herself to be this super-strong woman and yet she's letting men bully her out of expressing her emotions however she damn well likes--that ain't progress, sistuh! Jeff asks, "Ghandia, what are you basing your vote on?" "I'm basing it on the ability to mesh with the rest of us, camaraderie, and basically on the fact that uptight, controlling robots freak me out, yo." Clay looks worried--I think Ghandia agreed to vote out Tanya and then Helen's lunacy made her switch her vote. Clay is no fan of Helen's, but I think he's worried about drama back at camp.

Onto the voting: Brian casts his vote for Tennessee Tanya saying, "Like your older black sheep brother who was kicked out of the house for oh...I dunno...doing a couple "adult films" shall we say, I gotta take care of you. Catch you on the flip side." Ghandia votes for Helen, "Your emotional servitude towards men offends me as a strong black woman and you're a ticking time bomb to boot!"

The votes come in and Tanya is ousted and of course, Jan cries. Tanya is voted out in a mirror image of the Jessie vote--she's sweet but too sick to contribute. I think Ghandia was close to Tanya and really really didn't want to vote for her. My tape cut out so I didn't get Tanya's exit speech or all the votes. I assume the only two Helen got were Ghandia and Tanya so let me know if I'm wrong. Other week two victims include BB, who campaigned for his own ouster after being cantankerous, Kel, who was wrongly accused by evil Jerri of smuggling food but was such a weird loner I still can't manage much in the way of moral outrage and last year's Patricia, who was also cantankerous but was Evil Boston Rob's first victim. Next week: The preview shows us a lot of hitting and yelling and some accusations of a sexual nature from Ghandia against Ted. Without knowing what's gonna happen and how it affects the group, its hard to predict who might get voted out if Chewing Gum has to vote again. Ghandia? Ted? Or will Helen go? Or Jan? Who knows. At Sucks Hard, I 'd bet on Jed or *maybe* Steph, or possibly Robb. Jed's the most likely though and I hope it comes to pass. Tanya was a southerner but not Texan--all six Texans are still in play. Have a great week!

Christine :)