Survivor 5:2 Lots and lots of eye-rolling

Robb wasn't nearly as annoying this week, but fyi: death by bag of hammers was the easy winner in last weeks poll.

Morning at Chewing Gum:

Chewing Gum is sleeping underneath a bushel of bats *shudder," reason #75 why I will never be a contestant on Survivor. Clay snores which most people seem to find amusing at this point--we'll see how they're holding up in a couple weeks. Helen muses (it's hard to call any of her behavior actually *joking* but I think this was an attempt) that one wouldn't guess a guy as puny as Clay could make that much sound. Helen and Clay seem to see the other as a nemesis. Helen and Jan go off to get the water in the crappy boat that fills with water and sand as you paddle, making the long journey to the water all the more difficult.

Clay tells us, "HelenandJanwenttogetwateranddin'ttakethemapthat'sHelen'sdeal Iknowwhereitisknowwhereitisthat'sthefirstthingthatweaskedwelldin't
theytakethemaptheydin'ttakethemap!" Commas were not a luxury item Clay brought with him. He did bring a golf club, and he, Ted and Porn Star Brian play a few..er...holes. Seriously there was something for both sexes here: women can roll their eyes at the men wasting energy on creating an elaborate golf course while the womenfolk are off working, men can smirk at the women getting lost because they don't take the map. Though I think we can forget about gender lines and say, "What a bunch of idiots!"

Helen and Jan *I guess* thought they'd just remember what the water cove looked like (seems someone could have tied a shirt or something to a tree as a marker that last time they were there--reason 1 I SHOULD be a contestant on Survivor!). So they wander around from cove to cove on a scavenger hunt. Helen is insufferable. She's obviously very proud of her athletic prowess and she's in the Navy and thinks of herself as a badass so why she's griping about the weaker Jan not doing her share is beyond me. Hostile Helen complains, "There were lots of snake holes everywhere--and Jan nicely offered to stay with the boat during all these explorations!" AS IF Helen would have trusted Jan's opinion if Jan had come back saying this was the wrong cove. You know and I know and the American people know that Helen would have checked it again "just to make sure." And I think someone should stay with the boat--what if it drifted off? Helen goes on, "We kept stupidly going in the wrong direction...And Jan, she's a nice lady and a strong swimmer--and I'm an EXPERT on THAT. But she's so weak compared to me so I had to compensate and row twice as hard PLUS do all the searching because she's so old and frail. You can't get mad at someone for that." Ya sure, Helen? Because you sure SOUND like you're mad at Jan. Helen goes on, "It was a nightmare. If I'd had a gun I would shot Jan first then myself." You can tell she's had military training because she gets it in the right order.

Meanwhile, life at Sucks Hard is sucking. Hard. Because of the shelter which Jake informs us, "has been the first priority since we got here." No freakin' duh. Jake almost gets beaned by an errant beam--no construction helmets in Survivor--they might be used as crab traps! Ken the Kop describes the elaborate rain gutters he envisions while Jed the Dentist rolls his eyes. Everyone is irritated at Jed and Steph, who haven't contributed much of any effort to the building of their great obsession: Moby Shack. Ken opines, "It's one thing to be lazy, but to be FREAKIN' lazy?" Nice of Ken to edit himself here. I swear too much myself but I would be so mortified to actually get bleeped on TV. Jed cooks taro (I guess) while Steph pitches in by fetching the water (which we were told is very easy). Jed condescendingly refers to the shelter the others are building as "the fort." I did think it was funny when Steph said, "Maybe we're looking at this all wrong: maybe we don't need food or water to survive." But mocking and whining is a far cry from hunting and gathering, sweeties, and deliberately separating yourselves from the group at this point of the game is muy odd. There is voting later on, you guys. Dumbb Robb isn't put out by Jed, "Dude, he didn't really help us or but he's cooking roots and fetching me water which is pretty cool--it's like he works for me." Robb was entirely too quiet this week, I was counting on his stupidity as a cornucopia of comedy.

At Chewing Gum, the boys are tired of their little game and starting to worry. Elsewhere, Helen has found the water hole. She makes a big deal of telling us she was the one who found it--yeah honey, four hours later! She fills the jug and returns to the boat where Jan is waiting. Jan is floating in the water, which Helen takes as some sort of personal affront. The currant is too strong for the ladies to row in so the others swim to get them. Clay is tickled to death, "Tookemfourorfivehourstogetbackyouhavetoberealcareful
everycorneryouturnyougotsandprettytreesprettyeverythingI'llbetshedon'tgo
offlikethataginshelookedrealwornoutsheactedlikeshewasn'tbutshewas!" Jan shares a laugh with her tribesmen about their wayward adventure, Helen goes off to sulk.

At Sucks Hard, Jake declares, "I'm not admitting I was a total idiot or nuthin,' seein' as how its monsoon season and all and we DO need a shelter, but I've decreed that we can go out and find food--just this once." The captain is joined by Shii Ann, Penny, Erin and Ken. Robb, Jed and Steph stay behind to place bets on how badly the searchers will fare, and basically be snarky slugs. Jed whines, "You don't need five people to go get food. Who's gonna work on that shelter I have no intention of helping with?" Jed is missing the game within a game thing. Part of Survivor is getting people to like you enough not to vote for you. A hard thing to accomplish when you refuse to spend any time with most of them.

The workers wind up finding some dead fish on the beach, but further up the shore they find loads of oysters and crabs, "Working together as a team is exhilarating!" Shii Ann raves, but she is seriously bummed when she realizes the bums back at camp didn't bother to boil water or get anything ready. Jed, Steph and Robb refuse to even join the workers in the meal. Then they refuse to sleep in Moby Shack and curl up on the beach. Prince Jed complains, "I can't sleep in that ghastly fort everyone except me is building!" Robb predicts, "Dude, I think it's gonna be a clear night." Yeah, because people from Arizona know so much about when its gonna rain. I cackled with glee when it started pouring and crabs were crawling all over them. Robb goes to the shelter, and Jed has the audacity to crawl under the shelter and use it--and his tribesmen as cover. Jed is a royal ass. He shrugs, "I slept like a baby and I don't really care what they think about me---if they get to drink the water that I pour in cups for them, then I should get to sleep under this stupid fort!" Jed knows there's voting in this game, right? Meanwhile, firewoman Steph has slept outside during the monsoon, "I---*ahchoo*--really---*cough*--love the---*wretch*---rain!" the sick woman insists. Jed and Steph are even lamer than Robb--and that's just sad.

Chewing Gum. Brian plays a song on his guitar while Ted sings about food and a monkey comes to watch. Jan coos, "He's so cute!" Bitey was the word that keeps springing to my mind. Clay enthuses, "Welookedupinthetreean'aMagillunwassittinuptherenotahundredfeetfromus
likehewasgoingtoaconcertorsumpinhewascuriousIguess!" Then the gang drinks coconut milk to begin the day and Helen says, "This is my champagne toast for my anniversary." Clay frowns, but whether its due to Helen's blatant begging for attention or if its on account of the thought of actually being married to Helen remains unclear. Ghandia and Tanya go off to find flowers to make Helen an anniversary crown--apparently there's not a lot of work to be done there if you already have shelter and you don't play golf.

Reward Haiku:

one will be the eyes
the rest shoulder the burden
all race for fishhooks

Then we get Clay saying that this is the part of the game where you really need that reward--as if there's ever a time in this freaking game when you'd be like, "Food, meh, I could take it or leave it." Ghandia makes an odd comment about using her substantial (hey SHE brought it up) cleavage to distract the other team. The challenge is quite complicated--one team member sits in a litter and is carried by the rest of the team who are blindfolded. Seeing person shouts orders to get them safely to various checkpoints along a zig-zaggy course. The reward--a measly lantern and some fishing gear--hardly seemed worth it to me. Sickly Steph gets a break and gets to sit out. Penny sees for Sucks Hard and Tanya for Chewing Gum. There's a lot of yelling and a lot of people being hit by branches and posts. At one point Jake gets whapped REALLY HARD by a post and yells at Penny, "You ran me into a TREE!" "Whatever grandpa, straight, straight!" Jake whimpers, "I dunno if you heard me *sniffle* a tree!" "It was a post you blindfolded moron, LEFT LEFT!" It's a very close race but Sucks Hard wins AGAIN.

At Chewing Gum, morale is low. Jan tries to pick everyone up, "I know we can do it, we're gonna git 'em!" Helen shrugs, "I'm a Red Sox fan, I know there's always a tomorrow. The other Gums shake with horror when they realize Helen has infected the tribe with the Curse of the Babe. Then they spring the anniversary surprise on her. They say, "Can we talk to you?" "Are you gonna vote me out? I KNEW it! I just knew---" "Er...no. we made this crown of flowers and we're gonna sing for you!" They sing a horrible--but sincere--song and Helen is moved. She tells us, "I was really paranoid all day because they were leaving me out of things all day and so naturally I assumed they were all plotting against me." This attitude does not bode well for Helen, but when she wonders how you can possibly vote out people who'd go and do something as nice as the anniversary crown party, I thought, "She's hostile and paranoid and bossy but at least she has some moral integrity."

Meh, I still want her out.

Tanya can't keep down the crab meat, and everyone frets. The gang finds some dead squid on the beach and decides to eat it--which sounds like a TV Guide synopsis of a really bad idea but no one dies do I guess its okay. Helen immediately takes charge: "I bought uncleaned squid at the supermarket this one time, so I know what to do--plus I'm in the Navy, so back off! *I feel some Village People coming on...*

In the Navy: Helen will teach you how to swim!
In the Navy: Her demeanor's pretty grim!
In the Navy: Her chance of winning this is slim!
In the Navy! In the Navy!
We want you, we want you, we want you to be voted out!

Clay agrees, "EverythingssodeadlyseriouswithHelenthere'snofuntoheratall
noplaytohershe'ssupposedtobesomesortofmarineexpertshe'slikean
encyclopdiayouopenherupthere'snothingfuntoreadthereyougotherewhen
youneedinformation." I think he agrees. Anyway, Helen tries to bully everyone into eating the squid before they feel its cooked enough, "I KNOW how to cook squid, okay? I'm in the damned Navy. SO it tastes bad, so what?"

Immunity Poem--I have to say the REAL immunity poem was one of there best ever. I didn't write it down, so if you missed it tough, but it was really good. Fake poem:

you must swim fastest
and assemble the flower
or weaken your tribe

Jake's like, "It sounds like some sort of swimming deal, or water deal." I really hate when they try to act like they're smart for figuring out the easiest poems and by they I mean all of the Survivors ever because they all do it. Sometimes it really is a riddle but when it straight up SAYS swim with the fastest stroke or whatever, don't act like you've cracked some sort of CIA code by saying, "I'll bet we have to swim, dude!" The challenge involves swimming out to get a floating wood petal to attach to a floating flower. I think Shii Ann sat out for the Sucks. Any way, Erin falls, Jeff winces, everyone swims and the Sucks BARELY win yet again. Of course Robb jumps around howling like a moron.

Everyone's bummed at the Chewing Gum camp--three straight losses. Apparently Jan screwed up the puzzle and cost them valuable time (I totally missed this if it happened on camera and I watch pretty intently...OBVIOUSLY) and she apologizes. later, Ted, Ghandia and Clay discuss voting strategies as they float in the water. Ghandia snarls, "I'd rather vote for Helen than Jan, she's getting on my nerves, yo!" Ted argues that they need her strength and Clay agrees but makes fun of Helen and how she makes everything out to be a huge deal: "I'm going over to this place to pick up this leaf and then I'm bringing it back here." It was pretty funny :) Ghandia tells us she wants to vote out Helen but Tanya is so sick she might have to vote her out. Helen wonders if Tanya's sweet personality might save her, "I can't speak from experience, but I've observed that other humans often enjoy the company of pleasant people."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff smiles at Chewing Gum, "Well, it's never fun to come to Tribal Council but, hey, you get to see more of me. Ted, how's the morale?" "It's declining. It's still high but it's declining. We're still a family. Not for long, mind you, but...still." Ghandia agrees and predicts a big win is coming for the underdogs. Clay says, "Theythinkwe'reawashbutIthinkit'sgonnacomewherethey'reseeingyouallthetimeandnotus!"
Jeff tries not to take Clay's not wanting to see him personally, "Tanya, did you know how tough this was gonna be?" "No sir! I've been camping lots and lots of times but usually you bring fruit roll ups and sandwiches and punch and if someone forgets to bring the cooler why, you just drive up the road to the grocery store. Sometimes they even have vending machines at the campgrounds!" Jeff turns his attention to Hostile Helen, "Helen, and I'm not asking you this for any reason, I may as well have picked your name out of a hat, but...how're you fitting in with the others?" "I am constantly wondering: "Am I fitting in? Did I say the right thing?" Am I cold and off-putting? Is my military training threatening to the men? Are they plotting to vote me out? Are they planning to kill me? But then I think, that anniversary party was the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me--and wouldn't they be scumbags to turn around and vote me out after that? I almost cried but I couldn't allow that--I'm under strict orders not to cry." When Helen explains to the baffled bunch that the guys she works with told her not to cry and that's why she refuses to do so, Ghandia rolls her eyes and so do I. Helen imagines herself to be this super-strong woman and yet she's letting men bully her out of expressing her emotions however she damn well likes--that ain't progress, sistuh! Jeff asks, "Ghandia, what are you basing your vote on?" "I'm basing it on the ability to mesh with the rest of us, camaraderie, and basically on the fact that uptight, controlling robots freak me out, yo." Clay looks worried--I think Ghandia agreed to vote out Tanya and then Helen's lunacy made her switch her vote. Clay is no fan of Helen's, but I think he's worried about drama back at camp.

Onto the voting: Brian casts his vote for Tennessee Tanya saying, "Like your older black sheep brother who was kicked out of the house for oh...I dunno...doing a couple "adult films" shall we say, I gotta take care of you. Catch you on the flip side." Ghandia votes for Helen, "Your emotional servitude towards men offends me as a strong black woman and you're a ticking time bomb to boot!"

The votes come in and Tanya is ousted and of course, Jan cries. Tanya is voted out in a mirror image of the Jessie vote--she's sweet but too sick to contribute. I think Ghandia was close to Tanya and really really didn't want to vote for her. My tape cut out so I didn't get Tanya's exit speech or all the votes. I assume the only two Helen got were Ghandia and Tanya so let me know if I'm wrong. Other week two victims include BB, who campaigned for his own ouster after being cantankerous, Kel, who was wrongly accused by evil Jerri of smuggling food but was such a weird loner I still can't manage much in the way of moral outrage and last year's Patricia, who was also cantankerous but was Evil Boston Rob's first victim. Next week: The preview shows us a lot of hitting and yelling and some accusations of a sexual nature from Ghandia against Ted. Without knowing what's gonna happen and how it affects the group, its hard to predict who might get voted out if Chewing Gum has to vote again. Ghandia? Ted? Or will Helen go? Or Jan? Who knows. At Sucks Hard, I 'd bet on Jed or *maybe* Steph, or possibly Robb. Jed's the most likely though and I hope it comes to pass. Tanya was a southerner but not Texan--all six Texans are still in play. Have a great week!

Christine :)