Survivor 5.5

Night at Chewing Gum, the mice and bats clear out of camp when they hear
the human folk returning. Clay tells s,
"WeknewevilGhandiacastaspellonJanbutwhy'dshevoteformethatmakesnosense
she'sthenexttogoherheadisontheblock." I was annoyed with Clay for being
surprised by getting votes until I remembered that, based on Ghandia's
accusation of impropriety, Clay was rightfully assuming that the votes
would go to Ted. Jan knows that Clay will be gunning for her, "Clay's a
petty little man, and he'll consider this a betrayal." Then she goes on,
"Helen *said* she was gonna vote for Clay but...I guess she changed her
mind." Well, duh, Jan. Helen maintains that selling out Ghandia was a
necessary evil. I agree, except for the evil part--girlfriend was crazy
and she had to go.

That very same morning, Jake and the kids at Sucks Hard are awakened by one
of their reward roosters, who promptly gets sent to *his* eternal reward in
chicken heaven. Steph holds him while Jake breaks its neck with his bare
hands--and I would rather go through life without knowing what that sounds
like but as Mick Jagger once said, you can't always get what you want. The
Sucks however get what they need in terms of protein, as they devour the
bolied carcass. I thought Capt. Jake was very dear when he said, "We thank
you for giving your life Mr. Bird, but I tell you what, you sure do taste
good." Robb isn't as happy with the meal as everyone else--he's too
grossed out by Shii Ann's eating habits, "Dude, Shii Ann is repulsive. Her
eating habits are terrible--she ate the heart and the lungs and the neck
and like, picked the bones until there was nothing left. I don't care if
we're starving, this is America! She's gotta learn to waste more food,
dude. Plus she licks her fingers too much and reaches back in the pan for
more--it's disgusting." In my opinion, people with holes in their chins
should not call other people disgusting. Shii Ann shruggingly tells us
that she grew up partly in Taiwan and that in her house, chicken hearts
were good eating. When she offers Robb some of the meaty neck, He
childishly gags and carries on like a four-year-old about how sick it
sounds to him. Robb, you're the one with bad manners, next time just say
no thank you. I hate Robb.

Back at chickenless Chewing Gum, Clay the mighty caveman hunter can only
find one crab in the whole ocean. Then Brian and Ted go out in the boat
"to fish," which consists of throwing the net over the side just in case
any fish *might* want to just jump in while the two men do the Survivor
alliance, "Are we still cool?" "Yeah, we're cool," thing. Could be wrong,
but CBS's revealing to us that Brian and Ted have a "you and me til the
very end brother" deal going on *this* early in the show doesn't bode well.
Porn Star Brian insists that his personal style of "Speaking when I have
to, being quiet when I have to, winning that friendship, winning that
favor" is very "shark-like" but it seems merely used car salesman to me.
Anyway, after catching not one fish, the two guys call it a day and bash
fists to demonstrate how secure their bond is. Not so secure is the rope
holding the boat to a small branch jutting out of the sand at low tide. I
guess after an exhausting few hours of not-fishing, pulling the boat past
the high tide water line is just too much effort for the Chewing Gum chumps.

Back at Sucks Hard, the tribe is enjoying their first day of not starving
and shelter building. Jake and some of the girls are standing nearby when
a swimming Robb yelps with pain and then starts screaming. As Jake puts
it, "He was screaming for quite a while before we realized it wasn't just
your everday 'Robb is a big noisy idiot' screaming, but something more
serious." It turns out that just when they thought it was safe to go back
in the water, something bit Robb. Unfortunately, it wasn't a Great White,
though it may as well have been for how much Dumbb Robb carries on. When
Steph and Jake examine it, Robb wails, "Dudes, please don't touch my boo
boo, it really really hurts!" And then he literally starts kicking and
cursing. Shii Ann is disdainful of Big Baby Robb's tiny pain threshold
(everything about Robb is tiny, except for his mouth), wishing to us that
he'd "be a mature person," and suck it up. Well Shii Ann, wish in one hand
and spit in the other and see which bothers Robb the fastest. When Shii
Ann not unsympathetically observes that "being bit by a sea urchin really
hurts," Robb remembers her saying, "Truly, I have done exstensive research
on the painful bites of stingrays, and therefore you, Robb, are an idiot."
He also chooses not to hear her say that she *has* been bitten by a
jellyfish--not that he'd care. "Dude, Shii Ann just doesn't get it.
Everyone was totally focused on MY monster bite, and then she has to go and
say something, it was totally inappropriate. She always has to be the big
expert on any topic we talk about, I wanted to tell her, "Shut up and get
me some water, woman! Look at my foot, sweetie, LOOK AT MY FOOT!" I think
most fourth graders could come off as experts when conversing with Robb,
who gets up within minutes and walks easily to shore because he's not dying
or even really that hurt. I hate Robb.

As night falls at Chewing Gum, CBS takes great glee in showing the
ill-tied boat drifting away as the happy campers sing "Sleigh Ride." You
can almost hear the CBS editors cackling with glee, "You're gonna wish you
had a sleigh, suckuhs!" Helen, though no Karen Carpenter, has a
surprisingly pleasant singing voice compared to her abrasive speaking
voice. Next morning, Ted goes out to "fish," and makes the shocking
discovery. He chooses to sit on a log and pout rather than sound the
alarm. Eventually everyone finds out and naturally everyone's worried and
CBS has every tribe member tell us the very obvious fact that losing the
boat is really bad, "Thefishingnetwasinthere!" Clay gasps, like they ever
really used it. When Clay learns where the boat was actually tied up, he's
stunned at Ted's stupidity and marvels at the fact that no one confronted
him about it, even though Clay didn't either. He also seems vaguely
paranoid when he imagines that everyone would have jumped all over *him* if
he had been the dummy that lost the boat, and I was glad to see the
Ted/Clay bond that Ghandia claimed was rock solid start to crack. Somehow
no one is blaming Porn Star Brian, though he seems just as responsible to
me. I mean, Ted tied the knot but the real problem was that neither of
them thought to bring the boat onshore. Once again, "lack of beach
experience" rears it's ugly head, though a couple bad sand castle
experiences in this landlubber's youth taught me enough about low and high
tide that I wouldn't lose the danged boat, sheesh. Despite this dire
situation, everyone is easily distracted by the appearance of "Magilla,"
the monkey that's been visiting their camp and stealing things, so Ted
makes a big show of asking Magilla to return the boat, which he thinks is
funny--I doubt his rapidly dehydrating tribemates agreed. CBS then reveals
how far the boat has gone, and unlike Robb and Jed and the ridiculously
not-lost lost fishing net, the boat has travelled across the bay and over
to another island. They are up a creek without a paddle--it was in the
boat.

Later that day, the whole tribe sans Jan is panning for gold...no wait, for
seafood. Clay reveals that he would gladly give up his sex life for a
hamburger and fries and apple dumplings, leaving us with some very
unfortunate imagery we could all do without. Jan hollers from shore,
"Ohhhhh CHILDREN!!!!!! We have TREEEEE MAAAAIL!!!" The panners want her
to read the poem but she's distracted by the wad of cash enclosed with the
mail and starts screeching out numbers while they're yelling, "READ IT!
READ US THE FREAKING POEM YOU RAVING OLD BITTY!"

Reward Haiku:

money for food game
don't spend it all in one place
wait, no, you have to

Clay tells everyone, "It'sanauctionforfood!" but when Jan makes the exact
same observation a second later, he mutters scornfully, "No shit,
sherlock!" Then Jan pretends to run off with the thousand dollars, doing
something that resembles the Cabbage Patch and yelling, "See ya, I wouldn't
want to be ya!" It was pretty irritating.

Both tribes arrive at the reward challenge but before the auction starts,
Jeff asks everyone to take sixty silent seconds to contemplate switching
tribes. "Any one person want to switch with another? This is one of those
forks in the road, this is a chance to change your fate!" In voice over we
hear Shii Ann seriously consider it because she "hates" her tribe. Helen
thinks Jan should take the offer because she's toast otherwise, but Jan
vows to stay with Chewing Gum, come what may. Steph reveals, "I *so*
wanted to switch tribes. But, I've been stupid up to this point--why
change my strategy now?" So there's many significant looks but no one says
anything aloud and no one takes the offer and Jeff just grins and says,
"Great! Everyone's happy, that's FAN-tastic!" It was such an unbelievable
letdown after they teased us all week with a switch, though, since the
tribes are admitedly working pretty well as they are, I'm thinking they
might just wait and do a traditional merge, though Jeff's
cat-that-ate-the-canary smile every time he mentions the offer and how
happy everyone is where they are seems to indicate he has something else up
his sleeve. Will they switch tribes next week and merge one week later
than usual, meaning everyone who makes it to the merge is also on the jury?
I just don't see the point in switching tribes just for one vote.

The auction is fun and everyone wins something. They bid as a tribe and
split the food amongst themselves. The Sucks score first with a hamburger
and fries, while Chewing Gum gets a pitcher of lime-aid for 20$. The Sucks
get burned on the always compelling "Let's Make a Deal" mystery item, which
turns out to be a bunch of seasoned baked grubs. Steph and Shii Ann gamely
eat several, with Shii Ann saying they taste--not like chicken--but just
like mushrooms. Chewing Gum wins spaghetti and meatballs and bread, The
Sucks win a hot fudge sundae on the next mystery item, and the auction ends
with with Chewing Gum winning nachos and a pitcher of margaritas. It was
interesting to note that the tribes played nicely together, and that Ted
and Ken the Kop both took charge of the bidding for their respective teams.

The next morning at Sucks Hard, Steph plays tribe stewardess and passes out
bananas. Penny opines, "I think she's probably trying to make up for being
such a bitch to us the last 14 days." Steph tells us, "Hey, I'm jest as
mean to people back home, okay? And the reason everyone's being nicer to
each other is because we aren't starving to death anymore--starving will
make you an ass." It's a valid point but the fact is, everyone else was
just as hungry as she was and not even selfish Jed and braying Robb were
nearly as nasty.

Chewing Gum gets the immunity poem, which comes with a pretty jeweled fish
that will bring in beaucoup bucks on the Ebay Charity auction, dang it. I
say dang it because the only things I wind up being able to afford are
skanky pillows and other crap I don't want. Is it just me, or do they
usually show Chewing Gum getting the poems this year?

Immunity Poem

this sea is fish full
despite your lack of success
in finding any

Brian doesn't want Jan to leave, so he's determined that they win this
challenge. He seemed genuine, even though no one in Chewing Gum can really
afford dwindling their tribe to four while the Sucks remain at seven.
However a wrench is thrown in the works when Helen and Brian have to swim
to get water because they've run out--yes Ted, we know, THE BOAT WAS
FREAKING IMPORTANT! Fortunately, the immunity game isn't a really
physically taxing one. The Survivors have to sort all the fish in this
huge ice-filled tray into four seperate bowls by type--one of them being
our old friend Bear Monday (okay, barramundi), which served as the tribe
name for the merged Survivors in Season Two: Australian Outback. Erin and
Ken sit out for the Sucks, who proceed to, despite Clay's lazy-ass flinging
of fish all over the beach, making more work for his Chewing Gum teammates.
At one point he hits Brian in the face, which finally compels him to move
his butt and actually walk the four feet from the tray to the bowls.
People jam assorted fish in their mouths and there is much yelling and
dropping and searching, but Chewing Gum comes up big, beating Sucks Hard by
a rather huge margin--YAY! :) The closer it is at the merge--assuming
there is one, the better.

At Sucks Hard, Steph and Shii Ann discuss how nice the other tribe seems.
Steph is now regretting not switching teams, "Everyone's so blah here, I
think I'd do better over there. I could be wrong but I think everyone's
out to get me here." Well...not *everyone.* But yeah, mostly, yeah.
Anyone think Steph calling the rest of the tribe "blah" is very pot/kettle?
Of course, Robb is still gunning for Shii Ann, and Erin seems to have
fallen under his sway. She thinks Shii is the "only source of dysfunction"
in the tribe. At the water hole, she and Robb dish on the evils of Shii
Ann: She eats without utensils! She double dips! She's from New York
City! Gee, is banishment really punishment enough? Maybe she should be
executed. Then Robb says, "Dude, she's a girl and her manners are
atrocious, dude. Who'd ever take her home?" I hate Robb. Robb and Erin
hope they never ever meet another New York City girl again--wouldn't it be
funny if they did and it was Chiara from Big Brother 3? Meanwhile, Jake
tells us that he thinks Shii Ann is just super--a hard worker and as he
puts it, "one of the all time good ones." When Shii Ann frets about the
possible attempt at Tribal Council to oust her, Jake gives her a paternal
"don't let the turkeys get you down" pep talk and tells her if she feels
like crying, "That's okay. Crying is good for you." I'm beginning to
think that Jake might be "one of the all-time good ones." :) Shii Ann is
concerned that being the only minority "on the island" might be a
problem--does she mean on her tribe or is she forgetting that Ted is black?

Tribal Council

Jeff starts off by asking Robb for his impression of Chewing Gum, "Dude,
that's a hard question because I don't like to think about people who
aren't me, unless I'm complaining about them, you know what I mean?
But...I guess they seem nice. They seem to get along." Jeff asks if he
thinks the Sucks are the stronger tribe and Robb does his best Spicoli,
"Chuh, without a doubt, c'mon bro." Jeff (who clearly hates Robb as much
as we do) is incredulous, "C'mon BRO? That's Jeff! Mr. Probst if you're
nasty! Robb...do you understand that the reason you're here is because
they beat you?" "So? I don't care. My math ain't too great but...we're
still a couple up on them, dude." "Well you aren't exactly kicking their
asses, are you?" "Mmmmmmm. We'll see what happens, dude." "The point is,
you're here now you over-pierced moron, and you WILL be voting someone
out." Things get even better when Jeff asks Steph if she's over her
illness and contributing to the tribe, "Yeah, I'm better now and back to
doing all the work, Jeff. I'm really pleased with the way these weak
losers have started to come around. They were totally obsessed with the
shelter before, but they've really impressed me--and they should be proud
of that." Ken looks like he wants to strangle her with her own braids,
while Shii Ann is grinning from ear to ear with relief--she knows that with
the return of bad Steph, the vote won't be close. Jeff asks Ken, "Any of
that surprise you?" "Nah. It was pretty obvious what their priorities
were from square one." That fact that Ken is referring to the departed Jed
when he says "their" isn't a good sign for Steph. Then Jeff asks if anyone
considered his offer to change tribes and Shii Ann lies, "No I love this
tribe and I really feel comfortable here and I wouldn't trade my tribe for
all the chicken hearts in China!" Well played, Shii Ann, well played.
Everyone but Dumbb Robb is furious with Steph for her insults, why split
their irritation by running down the Sucks Hard name any further?

Penny votes for Steph saying, "Even though you got nicer, I'm gonna go with
my first impression of you being a cold, selfish, nasty bitch." Steph
votes for Shii Ann, "You're a real nice girl but you get on my nerves."
You won't have to worry about that anymore, Steph :) Ken votes for Steph,
"You're a really beautiful person and I wish you hadn't waited until
yesterday to let us see that." Robb naturally votes for Shii Ann, popping
the vote card really hard at the camera in the hopes it'll work this time,
"You get on my nerves, I can't stand being around you, and I wish you were
dead--nothing personal!" No Robb, it's actually ONLY personal, dumbass! I
hate Robb. Jeff tallies the votes and when Shii Ann gets two votes, Robb
and Steph exchange self-satisfied looks, like, *everything's going our way,
aren't we brilliant?* but those are YOUR TWO VOTES, YOU STUPID IDIOTS!
Steph goes down 5-2. Erin regains some credibility by voting with the
majority instead of joining Robb in his futile attempt to oust Shii Ann.

Steph's exit speech was gracious, if a little self-deluded. She joins
other 5th week victims Dirk, the bible thumping dairy farmer whom Richard
Hatch despised, Kimmi, who hated bathing almost as much as she hated eating
meat, Silas, who thought himself a master manipulator and is still walking
around LA with a stunned look on his face, and last year's neo hippie Gabe
who came on "Survivor" to build a new society and didn't want to actually
play the game. Last week I complained that I couldn't root for anyone, but
now Jake, Shii Ann, Penny and Ken seem like good folk to me. Penny's a bit
enigmatic but I don't think she's evil. At Chewing Gum, Porn Star Brian
and dare I say it...Helen? They're growing on me. We'll see. The only
people I really hate are Robb and Clay. Next week, if there's no merge,
Jan is still on the block at Chewing Gum. Shii Ann seems a possible oustee
at Sucks Hard but I truly think that Robb might me wearing out his welcome.
Next week *should* be the last vote out before the merge if all goes to
schedule and Robb is a threat for individual immunity and a pain in the
ass. I say his days are numbered. Peace, and have a great week!

Christine :)