Survivor 5.4

Remember when I used to send these out the night of the episode? I dunno
what happened to me, but I lay a lot of the blame at the feet of the
"Survivor" producers. I think I've never really recovered from their
decision to run two seasons of the show in one TV season (wouldn't it make
so much more sense to run Survivor over the first half and then run Amazing
Race in the same slot for the remainder?). And then they've either cast
a bunch of sorrowful losers this year or the island life is SO harsh that
no one has time to be anything but boring or awful. Seriously, this year
is so joyless. It's just sniping and choking and starving. And CBS trying
to promote it like America is really excited by a "battle or the sexes"
scenario where the men are lazy and the women are liars seems pretty
pathetic to me--and it's certainly not gonna tear people away from
"Friends." I mean, right now there are two types of people on the island:
People I hate, and people I don't hate. When do we get someone to really
pull for?

At Sucks Hard, Dumbb Robb asks the others if they are happy with their
decision because YES, he was stunned by Jed's ouster even though Ken tried
to tell him that's how it was gonna go down. He explains, "Dude, I didn't
see it coming--just goes to show you what an idiot I am." Capt. Jake says
he didn't want to vote anyone out and doesn't want to do it again. I never
understand that sentiment--I mean, if you're gonna win this game, then
ultimately you're gonna vote out almost everyone else. But Survivors act
all traumatized like, "I hope I never have to do THAT again!" Anyway, Shii
Ann says, "Yeah, I even expected you snarky bastards to make that futile
attempt to vote me out--but it still hurt!" Penny gets all fired up and
vows, "We aren't doing it again, we're gonna win everything else and kick
their asses!" She tells us that Jed, apparently in addition to being lazy,
was trying to "run the show" and that he "wouldn't listen to anyone else."
Why none of that appeared on camera, I haven't a clue because it sounds
kinda interesting.

Next morning: Stupid Steph is STILL sleeping out in the rain. She sulkily
tells us, "The others got rid of Prince Jed so piss on them. I don't care
what happens to those morons--you don't get rid of people who are helping
you." Er...I think that WAS the rationale for dumping him Steph. Survivor
Lesson: If you found yourself on a tribe with people you hate, if you
really wanna win (and why would you put yourself through all this if you
didn't--Gabe, I'm looking in your direction) you have to conform or at
least muzzle yourself. Look at Richard Hatch (preferably when he's
clothed). The guy hates everyone he's ever met and made no secret of his
contempt for his teammates when talking to the camera, but he still managed
to get Rudy and Stoopid Sue to pledge their undying devotion to him and
they voted for him to win the money even after he screwed them. When Steph
notices a bunch of dead squid on the beach, she could pull a Hatch and be
THE GREAT PROVIDER but Steph can't pass up the opportunity to bark at her
tribesmen about how lame she thinks they are. She angrily tosses the
squids into the pot and when Jake seems complimentarily astonished at how
much she found, instead of playing up her value to the team she scoffs,
"You lameasses must not be looking very hard because it's all over the
frickin' beach!" When Shii Ann tries to tell Steph not to put the rank
seafood in the same pot they use for their water, Steph squishes the squids
into Shii Ann's hands and goes all four-year-old on her, "FINE! Do
whatever you want, see if I CARE!" and goes off to sulk. Shii Ann
continues with her unnessesary obvious commentary, "Steph hates us!" But as
much as I hate Steph (and pray she's never my only chance of being pulled
to safety from a burning building) she does have a point--I mean have the
others REALLY never gotten up early enough to notice squads of squid on the
beach? They've been there 10 days for crying out loud. Steph mocks the
others to Robb, "They claim they're all tending the fire--like they all
need to be doing that? It's like the old lightbulb joke: how many of them
does it take?" Robb giggles like he understands what the hell she's
talking about--and that he cares. I think he only hangs with Steph in the
hopes she'll take her clothes off again.

Meanwhile, things are just downright awkward at Chewing Gum. Ghandia
brushes her teeth with sand and I don't CARE if that's some bizarre thing
some survival book told her do, it makes her seem even crazier. She
complains, "Ted's oh so childish way of handling my betraying his trust and
calling him a sexual predator is to just ignore me and so the others are
doing it too." Or maybe they've seen how you reward those who pay
attention to you, Ghandia. The boys soak in the ocean and talk (an
activity they like to refer to as "hunting") and Clay insists,
"Ihatedheronsightandthenshedidn'tseemasbadandthenyepsheturnedouttobebad."
Later, as everyone lays about, Ghandia sarcastically raves, "There's just
soooo much love oozing out of the cave! Even when people ignore you they
love you because they're teaching you a lesson!" Ghandia, did your momma
never hug ya? Helen tells us, "I used to work at a rape crisis center and
I work with men and therefore I believe Ghandia's version of the events."
Well, this woman believes Ted--about what happened that night, not about
the alleged "hunting" and "fishing." And Ghandia is practically
campaigning to be voted out at this point, "Does anyone make you THIS
uncomfortable? Aren't I kind of unpredictable and untrustworthy? Wanna
see me waste more of my precious energy on throwing rocks in the ocean as
an expression of my uncontrollable rage?" This woman has kids, people. Jan
goes out to mark a chalk hash mark on a rock--hey, forget 10 days, four
hours with Chewing Gum feels like prison to me too!

Reward Haiku

drag around dead weight
to win a banana prize
no, not Ghandia

No one understands that Clay wanted help carrying a dummy until they read
the poem and even then, they're skeptical. Once they realize he wasn't
lying, they get really into decorating "Chewing Gal." I thought it was
really nice how they all banded together and it was a real shame that the
decorating had zero to do with the challenge but, oh well. The Sucks carry
their dummy (no, not Robb) back to camp and then no one does anything.
Erin and Jake make half-hearted suggestions but when no one supports them,
they back off. Steph goes off to sulk--wait, no, she goes off to come up
with a warrior dummy design and then she comes back and decorates the dummy
all by herself while the others sit around glumly like Jehovah's Witnesses
excused from class when it's time to exchange valentines. "Steph didn't
want our help, and well, what Steph wants, Steph gets!" Shii Ann explains.
Question: Is CBS editing out the parts where Steph gets drunk and beats the
hell out of them at night? I mean seriously, why the hell are they so
afraid of her?

Reward Beach. The dummies are introduced to one another--I think they'd
make a cute couple. The challenge is the teams have to lug the dummies
around the island, which isn't easy because they weigh 250 lbs. They have
to take them up hills and stuff and if they win they get oodles of bananas
and a "mystery food reward" which will be back at the winning tribe's camp.
Jeff was so coy about it that I rolled my eyes and thought "Doritos and
Mountain Dew," but it turns out to be chickens. Shii Ann sits out for the
Sucks, who, after much grunting and falling, totally win the very physical
challenge as one might expect. The Sucks actually clap politely for
Chewing Gum as they stumble in to finish, which was nice. Then Jeff says,
"Hey guys, by all means be total creeps and eat the bananas in front of the
losers," and of course they do, which was not so nice.

Naturally, morale is low back at Chewing Gum, where the boys all agree that
Jan is old and weak and that Ghandia was doing even less carrying than
Chewing Gal (d'ya think the dummies will go up on EBAY?) did. Meanwhile,
the girls are working around camp and Ghandia is furious because she knows
she's being blamed for the loss (because she knows she sucked?). "I didn't
come on this show to win bananas, I came here to win a million dollars!"
Both will elude her. Then she says, "This is a game of will!" She
actullay makes some valid points--too bad she's already blown her
credibility with the guys, who are out "fishing." The girls are all bitter
that they are doing all the cooking and cleaning while the boys play golf
and pretend to get food. Clay goes off claiming that in this primitve
jungle environment, the men and women have naturally fallen into their
preordained roles: men hunt, women cook and clean. First of all, if the
cavemen were as lazy and weak and back-spasmy as Clay NONE of us would be
here now. Secondly, I can promise you all that I HAVE no ancient repressed
cook/clean/barefootpregnant gene just waiting to come out should I ever get
shipwrecked off the coast of Thailand with Clay and he would probably
starve to death waiting for it except I'd have brained him with his stupid
golf club within hours of our ordeal. I'm reserving judgment on the porn
star not because he was cute--his looks are starting go. But when he went
into HIS little "women in the kitchen, men on the prowl" riff, it SEEMED
like he was kidding. If I'm wrong, there'll be plenty of time to hate him
later. Anyway, Ghandia wants to get in the guys' faces about it, but Helen
tells us, "They aren't gonna listen! Look, as I like to point out once an
episode, I work with men and I know how to handle jerks like Ted and Clay:
Ted is a pathetic ex-jock who's always gonna be trying to recapture that,
and Clay is over 50 and from the South so naturally he doesn't respect
women, right? So I'm just gonna suck it up and defer to them--Ghandia's
not being smart," and then they cut to a ridiculous image of Helen walking
on Clay's back--you can't say Helen didn't come to play.

Back at Sucks Hard, everyone eats lots of bananas. Robb offers praise and
thanksgiving to the lord, but it was unclear whether he was talking about
Jesus Christ or Tony Hawk. Then they meet the chickens, who are met with
the same predictable "make eggs or die" threat that all Survivor chickens
face. Robb clucks at them, and they cluck back: "What a *be-GOCK* idiot!"


Immunity Haiku

solving mind puzzles
not nearly as challenging
as healing ones tribe

Jeff explains that the groups will be solving tangram puzzles for immunity.
He actually says, "If you lose, you get another date with me," which would
be very confusing to me even if I weren't half-starved. I'd be like,
"We're losing this one, right guys?" Steph sits out for the Sucks. They
make a big deal about solving the puzzles in pairs but the whole team is
assembled to shout out directions so I don't see that it *really* mattered
who they picked. Was any one else disturbed by how...helpful and sane Robb
seemed?? The Sucks won fairly easily and Jeff pulls a Dick Clark on
Pyramid and makes a big show of pointing out what Chewing Gum
woulda-coulda-shoulda done to win. I think he's kinda sick of them.

Back at Chewing Gum, Ghandia is obviously not pleased that they lost but
feels there will be a guy/girl split on the votes. She wants to oust Clay
and Jan agrees, calling him old and lazy and a chauvanist. I'm not
disputing any of this but it's funny to me that they always insert a shot
of Clay playing golf when someone says, "Clay's backwards!" *putt* "Clay's
from another time" *drive* Ghandia goes to Helen and tells her they should
gun for Clay. Helen frowns, "Not...TED??? The guy who practically raped
you?" "Oh...no...er...well, girl, you know if it was up to ME of course
we'd get rid of him--I am still soooo traumatized, for sure, but Jan thinks
we still need him--of course I think that's SILLY but, what're ya gonna
do?" Helen wisely lets Ghandia do all the talking and nods her head a lot
but doesn't actually commit to anything. She tells us she's conflicted,
"But I still believe Ghandia, I really do!" Helen is like, the only person
who still even CARES about that whole grinding mess. Helen goes into the
vote knowing that she forces a tie if she votes out Clay but ousts Ghandia
if she votes for her. She says, "I've heard both sides," though we never
see who amongst the men is lobbying her. I'm wondering if Brian and Helen
don't have some sort of alliance? She didn't bad mouth him earlier as she
did Clay and Ted. Just a thought.

Tribal Council Lounge

My sister heard a radio interview with Jeff Probst and he said that Tribal
Council usually lasts almost an hour and that he'll go around asking the
same leading questions until the producers get something interesting out of
them. I think they should have taken a couple hours with this group, it
was the same old same old "we're tired and hot and hungry and miserable but
we will endure!" craporama until Ghandia said that some people weren't
doing their share. She and Clay got into but it was in that bizarre third
person way, "Some tribe members--who will remain nameless--can't see fit to
get up off their lazy asses and work!" And Clay responds, "Let's say,
hypothetically, that some people go get crabs and squid every three days or
so--wouldn't these imaginary men deserve to lay around the rest of the
time?" Onto the vote.

Ted votes for Ghandia, "I hate you. REALLY. I never want to see you ever
again." Um, anyone want to volunteer to tell him about the three hour
reunion special? No one? ;D Clay thinks he's hilarious by writing "Bye
Bye" all over the vote card and naming Denver Diva as the victim. But when
Jeff pulls it out he says something I've always dreamed would happen: He
doesn't get the reference, so he holds up the vote and says, "Uh, would the
dumbass who wrote this please tell me who this is supposed to be for?" And
Clay tries to be all sly and point to Ghandia, imploring Jeff with his eyes
not to call him out and Jeff bellows, "Clay? You did this? Well I don't
know what you mean!" "Uh...er...guh...that's...her, Denver Diva--," Clay
stammers. "From now on stop trying to be clever--you're obviously not good
at it. From now on, write a real name!!" Wouldn't it be ironic if he went
to all that trouble just to avoid the embarassment of mispelling Ghandia?
Ghandia goes down 4-2. Jeff tells them to get the hell out of his face.
Ghandia's exit speech is odd because she pretty much admits that accusing
Ted was just really bad strategy on her part--had she just apologized to
him like a woman, she might not be gone.

Interestingly enough, Ghandia is eliminated in the same space as fellow
black women Ramona and Linda. No other similarities: Ramona was too sick
to really compete whereas Linda was ousted by the evil Gen Xers. Ghandia
obliterated herself. Also at this stage, Jerri stooge Mitch was taken out
by the surprising Keith/Colby/Tina coalition who took it all the way to the
end in season two. Last year, boobarific Sarah was taken out by the NEW
Maramuu--at this stage last year we had already shifted the tribes. That
will happen this week according to the CBS promos, though this time Jeff
seems to be asking for volunteers--Steph would be wise to take him up on
his offer--if things stay as they are, she and Jan are most likely toast.

Peace! Christine :)