Survivor 5.3

My sister is sending out my review for me which I have just written on a friend's (thanks Chris!)computer because mine has been felled by the evil Klez virus--I think. The good people at Gateway are taking their own sweet time in telling me anything. I miss my computer :(

Night at Chewing Gum. A river of scary bugs crawls through the jungle as cool foreboding music plays. Clays tells us, "We'vehaduhtwoimmunitychallengesandwe'velostandarewardchallenges
andwe'velostthatbutjustourtribesafamilythere'snodoubtaboutitandwe'rehappyweunderstand
eachother'spersonalitywelikeeachother'spersonalities." A family that's about to need a trip to social services, perhaps. The next segment could be titled "reasonable doubt," as Ted flirts with Ghandia ("Are those your real colored eyes"--I mean,c'mon ) and she tells us that Ted's a real comfort to her, "He's like a surrogate husband. He's just good to hug." *Mixed Message Alert*

Rainy Morning at Sook Jai. Dumb sick Steph is still sleeping out in the rain. The Sucks sit dejectedly in Moby Shack. Robb tells us, "Dude, this is like, the most weakest and drained I've ever felt you know what I'm saying?" Jake's feet are all blisters. Shii Ann tells us, "We're horrible campers, we're terrible outdoorsmen and we are starving." Does she think we DON'T watch "Survivor"? In other words, as I pointed out in naming them, they SUCK. Penny says the fishing gear wasn't much reward as no one there knows jack squat about fishing--I said that too. I rule! ;) Jake claims it's because none of them have any "beach experience." I think the whole lying around all day thing is an issue too, coach, though there appears to be some footage of Steph and Jed trying to catch fish. I guess if it doesn't involve the "fort," they'll occasionally work, who knew? They catch one tiny fish. Robb says, "Dude, fish come from the ocean but we don't know how to get to them. Look at my hands. LOOK AT MY HANDS!"

Morning at Chewing Gum. I'm not gonna do my whole "putting words in people's mouths" shtick at this point, because I think it's important to be clear about what was actually said--and when. Ghandia tells us she woke up feeling used and depressed. She says that while she has enjoyed sleeping next to Ted, he was "grinding against her" last night in a sexual way and no one does Ghandia like that and he should respect her. So Ted and Ghandia have a chat and Ted cops to the alleged grinding behavior, saying that he was asleep and thought that Ghandia was his wife. He apologizes profusely and when Ghandia says she feels like trash Ted is horrified. Ghandia says she was once raped and then blamed for it, and had feared that Ted would blame her for this as well. Ted tells her it was his fault and that they won't sleep next to one another and that it won't happen again. They hug and Ghandia says "You're a good person." Ted tells us confidently, "We're a family, we'll always be cool." End of story? Not on your life. We now return to the exaggeration portion of the review.

Reward Haiku

steal from the others
remember momma's warning
cheaters don't prosper

Jeff gives the tribes a history lesson about their island being ruled by pirates until the the 1960's. The challenge has the competitors running down a bamboo course to a boat. They take baskets from the opposing team's boat and run back to their own boat. First team to ten baskets wins, only two people from each team on the course at any one time. There are CLEARLY MARKED attack zones where you can throw the other team's member off the course, preventing them from adding that basket. Jeff makes it abundantly clear that one can only attack another tribe when the attacker and the attackee are BOTH in the CLEARLY MARKED attack zone. The reward? A visit from two elite Red Beret's from the Thai military, who will teach the winning tribe how to make the most of their surroundings--where to find food, for example. Capt. Jake and Lil' Erin sit out. Many of you have written to say that Penny and Erin seem like the same person. Remember, Erin is the shy girl with big boobs who wears the fishing hat. Penny is more of a tomboy who seems like she walked off Walton's Mountain and often wears a red football jersey.

Of course, the Sucks get off to an early lead. Then Ted and Robb engage in the attack zone. Ted gets on his hands and knees to lower his center of gravity and lame ass Robb tries to jump over Ted, who upends him and dumps him in the drink. CBS, knowing how united in hatred for Robb our nation has become, shows it in slooooooow motion. Robb yells at Shii Ann to engage Brian and take him into the water with her but she fails. Robb seems perplexed that Shii Ann doesn't know kung fu. Ken the Kop defeats Porn Star Brian, then tosses Hostile Helen. Robb exults until Jeff DQ's Ken for beginning his attack of Helen out of the zone and Robb, classless bastard that he is, flips off my Jeff. Oh no he DI'N'T!!! >:( He should've been DQ'd for that, imho. At any rate, the wheels start to come off for the Sucks. Robb grabs Clay by the throat OUT OF THE ZONE and then tries to lie about it but Jeff is not fooled and Robb is out of the competition. Every time someone is DQ'd, one of their team's baskets is given to the other team, so the tide shifts fast. Jeff points out, "Sook Jai, you're self destructing." Robb brays at Clay that he's a "whiny little baby." Yet oddly, it's Robb who's throwing a hissy fit. And here i was worried last week about Robb being quiet: as Shakespeare said, the empty vessel makes the loudest sound. Steph attacks Ted but falls in the water, so she grabs Ted and pulls him in to join her. Jeff sighs, "Steph, the attack zone is clearly NOT in the water, YET ANOTHER STUPID PENALTY for you guys--who were winning easily." Robb throws his hands up at the unfairness of it all. Jed the Dentist takes a flying leap at Porn Star Brian from--you guessed it--outside the zone. It was kind of like watching a Cincinnati Bengal's game. Chewing Gum wins easily as the Sucks sulk.

The Wisdumb of Robb

Back at Moby Shack, Robb insists "Dude, I don't mind getting beat [yeah, right] but I was better than those guys. That backwoods hick! Weak, whiny little punk! Did you hear him screaming at me--assuming you could hear him over the deafening sound of MY whining and screaming? I wanted to punch him!" Well, uh, you DID choke him, Robb, you'll always have that. Everybody else seems dumbfounded by Robb's idiocy, and by everyone I mean everyone except Jed and Steph who are presumably off at the beach being snarky. Shii Ann complains to us, "Robb, idiot that he is, never shuts up. I doubt a rational thought ever crosses his brain." Shii Ann's mastery over the obvious might not seem like much, but on this little tribe of fools it's enough to anoint her my favorite, at least for now. Robb continues to rannt, "Dude. We didn't get beat by a better team, we got beat by a bunch of freaking rules!!" Yes Robb, that's what makes you CHEATERS. "Yeah, we're gonna go eight strong into the immunity challenge and shut that hillbilly up!" Except for the two people who sit out...rightt Robb?" Ken has a "Can you believe dis guy?" grin on his face the whole time that Robb is raving--did I actually say that Ken wasn't my type? He's got this whole Viggo Mortensen thing going on. Anyway, Robb finishes by saying that Ted has a small penis. Then he pulls the ULTIMATE big baby loser card: "Dude, whatever. I didn't want to win anyway." Robb tells us, "Maybe if the reward was for a big Turkey cooked by my Mommy. I mean, maybe we could get them to finish the shelter that we have no intention of doing ourselves. What are these Red Berets gonna teach us that's useful? Wait...dude, do they know the difference between my ass and a hole in the ground?" The Red Berets come to Chewing Gum and teach the tribe that pretty much everything in the camp can be eaten or used to obtain or prepare food. The Porn Star tells us there's "a genuine sense of niceness amongst us and it's hard no to be genuine. Once it goes away, we're in trouble."

It Goes Away

Ghandia decides to tell the girls about "what Ted did." She tells us, "Sure, I accepted his apology to his face, but now I think he didn't mean it." She doesn't talk to him, she talks to the girls and, as she puts it, "I was a little hard on him in the retelling." **Sexual Harassment Disclaimer** The fact that Ghandia is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and needs a magazine rack for all her issues shouldn't make it easier for people to dismiss legitimate sexual harassment claims out of hand...but it probably will--women everywhere say Thanks Ghandia! Ghandia tells a shocked Jan and an eager-to-believe-the-worst-about-men Helen, "Yo, Ted was all up on me last night, and I was like, 'Ghandia don't play that, nuh uh!' I got to stick with my girls!" Jan looks alarmed when Ghandia brings up the previously unmentioned "sexy biting" and "stroking of hair." The ever helpful Helen warns Ghandia, "You don't want it to look like you're weak--like you can't handle the situation!" Lord knows what "women who work with boys don't cry" Helen's men issues are, but Ghandia is eagerly sucking up to her, the same Helen who Ghandia wanted to vote out last week for being an emotionless freak. It's like Ghandia had a script in her head of what Ted was supposed to say--he wasn't supposed to believe her or apologize, for some reason she wants to be the wronged party more than she wants to be happy or honest. She tells us with a shrug, "But everything I said was true. The only thing I think I left out was the part where Ted apologized." Yes, that's what she actually says.

Meanwhile, at the Sucks Hard camp, oodles of edible crabs wander the beach, leaving behind telltale balls of sand. But they hide from the lazy miserable Sucks. Jed--the anti-Clay--tells us, "I woke from my nap after shirking my responsibilities and trying to look like I was doing something and the fishnet was gone. Basically we looked for it...whoever was watching it last and that may or may not have been me didn't delegate their duties and it drifted off." Then we get Robb and Jed's hella lame adventure, where they sort of half-heartedly walk up the beach looking for the fishnet. Robb giggles in that way known around the globe as the "that boy's not right" laugh and says, "Dude, we wanted it to be a magic fishnet that the fish just jumped into already cleaned and made into fish sticks but that can't happen now because it ran away!" Jake tells the womenfolk about the missing net. Shii Ann mocks them, "those lameass boys left it in the ocean and--surprise! It floated away while they were sleeping." One of the best moments in "Survivor" history follows, with the CBS cameras showing the clueless boys "searching" the water as the net floats a few yards off shore. Interestingly enough, this tribe DOES have a BOAT, but no one bothers to get in it to look around for the not-so-lost net. I guess its because they don't have any "beach experience"? Or...brains in their heads??

Back at Chewing Gum, Helen tells us she's been so consumed with "living off the land" that "I just now realized I'm playing a game where people might have to like me for me to win...CRAP!" Then she tells Brian "All the girls are voting out Ted the sex offender." Brian tells us he's gonna play it cool and hear the other side of the story: "Listening is very important." The Porn Star has so much to teach us. So, he goes to Ted man to man and foolish Ted, thinking that what happened between him and Ghandia has remained betwixt them says, "I'm a man of my word, I rectified the situation, and that's all I have to say." "So nothing happened that I have to worry about?" "Nope." So then foolish Brian, not realizing how it will be construed, tells Helen that Ted says there's nothing to worry about: nothing happened. Helen runs to Ghandia and says, "Brian says that Ted said that nothing happened," and then, like she's playing some sort of sick, high stakes game of "telephone" adds something no one came close to saying: "I guess it was a figment of your imagination, you liar."
In the Navy: Helen orders you: don't cry!
In the Navy: Helen tells you that men lie!
In the Navy: Hard to believe she has a guy!
In the Navy! In the Navy!
We want you! We want you! We want you to be voted out!

So Ghandia starts running up and down the beach shrieking like a maniac and throwing rocks in the ocean and beating her fists against a tree trunk. As if the moment wasn't uncomfortable enough, Clay has to tell us, MytwoyearolddidthatonceIwhuppedhisassandputhimbacktobed." Ay yi yi. Brian tells the Thai guys that they're lucky they don't understand what's going on--hey Brian, you don't have to be Thai to not know what the hell is going on at Chewing Gum. Ted calls everyone together and tells them about "the grinding" (anyone else getting Ken Starr flashbacks?) and about how he apologized to Ghandia and she accepted and how he never told Brian that Ghandia was a liar. Ghandia looks at the ground, admits that she accepted his apology and THEN talked behind his back and...you didn't bite me? No? Let's forget about it then. Clay can't end the meeting fast enough, "Let'sstoptalkingaboutsexybitingandgrindingandlet'sgofishing!" Ghandia sulks.

Sucks Hard Immunity Haiku

now'd be a nice time
to send that lazy dentist
back to lone star land

Lil' Erin tells us, "We thought this tribe was really cool at the beginning because we were all so young and pretty, but now we're tired and hungry and ready to get rid of some of these jerks." America tries not to get it's collective hopes up. Jeff greets the campers at the beach, looking oh so hot in khaki shorts and a black long-sleeved shirt and shades. "This challenge is going to take all of you collective brain power to figure this out," he says of the giant puzzle the groups have to take apart and reassemble. The Sucks sit out Ken and Penny. Jeff frowns, "Erm...you heard be right? I said collective BRAIN power...you sure you don't want to sit out Jed and Robb?" Chewing Gum works as a team while the Sucks let Jed and Robb flounder in the leadership role. Chewing Gum wins immunity--it ain't even close.

Back at camp, Shii Ann tell us she and Jake could have stepped in and solved the puzzle had they wanted to--they just didn't want to. The writing on the wall is bold and clear: The tribe wants Jed out. Jed, Robb and Steph are idiots though, in their own little world on Snarky Beach. Robb tells them, "Dude, bless her heart, but Shii Ann just gets on my nerves." Jed expends as much energy as we've ever seen laughing at this, despite the fact it isn't remotely funny. Robb, surely not realizing what constitutes a majority in a group of 8 people says, "Dude, the majority of us have decided to vote out Shii Ann. She's just not as hot as the other chicks in the tribe and she won't look at my hands anymore. She just tries too hard---people who try make me feel bad." So he goes to enlist Ken, and Ken pretty much tells him, "Robb, we are voting out Jed because his laziness pisses us off and he's hurting our tribe." And Robb doesn't get it. He probably doesn't warn Steph or Jed because I honestly don't think it registered. He checks his reflection in his mirrored sunglasses, to ensure his buff is placed *just so* on his grotesquely large head (there, I said it). Our nerves are calmed again by Erin who says, "Rain. No food. It sucks being a Suck. We need unity so we need to get rid of some of these nap-taking, shelter-shirking, net-loosing punks." So we know it's Steph, Robb or Jed. Emphasis on Jed.

Tribal Council Lounge

Jeff grins, "Smiles everyone, smiles! Fire represents life--you should know that by now but that over-elaborate shelter that's going to become irrelevant at the merge seems to indicate you all have never watched the show...plus you don't seem to care much about rules. When I say leave the tribal council area immediately, leave immediately: no obscene gestures or choking, please." He asks Shii Ann if she's surprised by anything so far: "I'm kinda surprised that CBS left us here to die." Jed's not surprised: "I think we just have to eat snails---they're the only things slower than we are---until we die which will hopefully be soon." Then he looks kinda betrayed when Robb says he's trying to keep working hard. I think Robb thinks CBS really might give them food if he keeps talking about how "high energy" he is. Dude, Robb, everyone WANTS to see you die of starvation---show of hands? Look at our hands. LOOK AT OUR HANDS! Then Steph tries to explain HER laziness thusly: "It's a lot harder on us muscular, athletic types to go without food--we get grumpy. The people that weren't in great shape to begin with have it easier." smooth, Steph, real smooth. Jeff tries to make Jake bad for picking this team, "Hey, you had to cast them before I got to pick 'em--Steph and Jed are big duds for CBS same as they are for me, am I right?" "Don't belittle the process!" Jeff barks, "Onto the vote!"

Vote time: Ken votes out Jed saying, "If you'd done half the chores you tried to "delegate" to other people, dis wouldn't be happening, dumbass." Robb tells Shii Ann that she never fit in with everyone else so he'll catch her on the flip side. Now, let me just say here that I have on several occasions, over the seasons, had people say "Catch you on the flip side" at Tribal Council because I think it's really funny to imagine that someone would choose to say something that lame and trite on television but Robb ACTUALLY said it. It's all coming together for this writer, I tell you what.

So Jeff tallies the votes (*sigh* I am so pathetic) and tries to milk the drama by reading Steph, Robb and Jed's votes for Shii Ann early. Shii Ann seems very amused. Steph and Robb--not so much, when they realize they are *not* in the majority. Jed's exit speech started, "I just wish everyone..." but then I fell asleep. We lose our first Texan. He joins fellow third week casualties Stacy, who accused Mark Burnett of rigging her ouster, Mad Dog, who was betrayed by best friend and eventual game winner Tina, Carl (a fellow dentist--coincidence???), who lost the tie-breaker to Lindsey and gave the evil Gen-X ers of Samburu a brief sense of power and my fiancée Hunter--I'm still not quite over the loss--who's elimination was orchestrated by Sean and Boston Rob--all to V's benefit. Next week (okay, tonight, whatever) we COULD have a tie at Chewing Gum if the guys and girls really are split along gender lines, but I'd bet that Ghandia is more likely to be a unanimous victim--Vecepia had it right, "too much drama!" At Sucks Hard, Robb would be perfect but I think they get rid of Steph first, just in case they need his brawn for one more week--the guy DOES help build the precious, all-consuming Moby Shack shelter. Have a great week--and keep those virus definitions up to date, people!

Peace, Christine :)