Survivor 4.9 and recap recap

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz--Huh? Oh, hello! Sorry, this episode put me to sleep. I guess we needed a break after two weeks in a row of exiting ousters, but while Vecepia might think there's such a thing as '"too much drama," as a television viewer, I must complain that there was "not enough drama." Probably because most of the conflict occurred between Zoe and Tammy, who couldn't field a complete personality even if they pooled their resources.

First the recap recap. This season, the recap show didn't replace an episode, it aired the night before. Frankly, I could have used a break--maybe I could have caught up on my reviews! But CBS is determined to screw me. They're airing the Survivor Finale on a Sunday, opposite the X-Files series finale. So, I need to invite myself over to someone's house to watch AND tape the Survivor finale, while I tape X-Files at home and yes, if you're in the Greater Los Angeles area, I AM asking YOU. The reunion will be hosted this year by Rosie O'Donnell. She irritates me to no end, but since, as opposed to Bryant Gumbel, she's a fan of Survivor and ACTUALLY WATCHES IT, I think this is still an improvement.

Okay, now REALLY with the recap recap. It was really lame. We got next to no new footage: The General's voodoo doll, Rotu found peppers to put in their taro mix (I'm NOT kidding), Chachi once tried to cook papaya...this one time, Hunter took everyone on a hike and Sean and Chachi got annoyed. I'm SERIOUS. Then we saw Sean teaching the Rotuans how to play "Pretend radio show," a pastime that pretty much embodies the phrase, "I guess you had to be there." There were two scenes that were great: Gina telling Kath about her ultimate dream: Gina wants more than anything to one day open a log cabin restaurant in Alaska, where she'll serve free coffee. Gina RULES! If she opens it, I'm hella going. I'll even send out a sign up sheet, we can have a road trip. The other great scene was the actual pow wow between Sean, V, Pappy and Neleh where they merge into the Goody Goody Gumdrops tribe. Vecepia apologizes to Sean for helping the Smugglies eliminate Chachi, "They told me I'd be in the final five, and then it would be every man for himself!" Personally, I'm glad V's crisis of conscience came AFTER Chachi was eliminated. It was interesting to see Peter's ouster, because Sean and V both voted for Sarah. The game might have been very different for Gina and Hunter if they had gotten rid of Chachi's "Ace in the Hole" before Peter.

Week 9. Morning at Soliantu. The Goody Goody gumdrops are soooooooo happy, they're actually singing showtunes. Sean and V sing a number from "The Wiz," a movie that always scared me as a kid--the subway scene, for those who are familiar with it. Paschal tells us that they just want to turn "Survivor" into a game where everyone plays fairly and there's no manipulation. Hmmmmnn. Doesn't sound much like Survivor, but, okay, I'll go with it. Neleh gushes, "Jeepers,we beat them at their own game at the very last minute, and it's hilarious! I laughed my HEAD off." So did America, Neleh! :D

The Gumdrops return to camp, fawning all over one another, "I love you!" "I love you!" "I love our tribe!" "So do I!" "I love this beautiful island!" "Me too!" "Let's never change!" "Friends forever!!" Tammy and the General watch sulkily from the camp's fringe, while Zoe tells Kath, "Everything in camp that was broken? I fixed it. Here's breakfast--just the way you like it, ma'am!" Tammy tells us, "The mood in camp is insufferably happy. The Gumdrops are sitting pretty, they're five, so they're indestructible." But...who made "them" a "them," Tammikins? Tammy complains to the General, "We're outcasts. They see us as traitors just because we were conspiring this entire time to eliminate them one by one, and now they're gonna do the same thing to us. We're screwed cuz of John--it's our own fault for trusting him!" Er...yes, and for the conspring and the gloating at the immunity challenge. Tammy tells us, "We have targets on our backs, just because the others were hurt by our whole "alliance of evil" thing we had going. Some people are soooo sensitive. And now I'm probably next because they see me as the leader, just because I'm so bossy."

She tells us her allegiance is still to Zoe and the General, which is..."admirable" is too strong a word, but I think it reflects well on a person to be loyal to their alliance when it's blown up. She and Zoe go out to get shells and Tammy tells her she's glad they were on a team together, to which Zoe replies, "Team? Huh? What are you...I'm sorry have we met? You say your name is Tammy? And you're from where? Arizona? What?" Tammy laughs, "Look, Zoe, if you want to cut yourself off from me and the General and totally humiliate yourself by sucking up to the Goody Goodies, that's totally cool with me--I won't get in the way. But, c'mon, it's just the two of us out her--plus the cameraman and, by extension, tens of millions of people, so please, just admit that for one brief shining moment, we were the Smugglies and we ruled!!" Zoe tells her, "You know what...Tricia, right? I never ever liked you. Something about your eyes, you give me the creeps. So. Let's just collect some shells." Tammy is flabbergasted--you can tell because she actually raises an eyebrow. Tammy tells us, "So, John was a volatile egotistical freak and now it turns out that Zoe is a complete bitch. Our alliance TOTALLY sucked!" Meanwhile, Zobot informs us, "I am no longer associated with the one who calls herself "Tammy." I will now begin a campaign of sucking up in order to get close enough to the Gumdrops to screw THEM over."

Neleh brings reward challenge mail:

If you're in the mood for some winnin'
Separate some hard nuts from their fillin'
if you fill the shoot
Then you'll have a hoot
Eat a genuine Marquesan din din


In order to win a Marquesan par-TAY, they have to crack open coconuts and pour juice into a shoot, first one to fill it blah blah blah. They are randomly paired up, and Sean and Paschal, "the old man and the brother," as Sean dubs them, are victorious. Kath and Neleh fuss over Sean and Pappy, respectively, like proud mothers sending their boys off to their first formal dance, "You look darling!" "Don't eat too fast!" When the helicopter comes to get them, Kath and Neleh then try to out-gush one another, "I'm soooo excited for them!" "Me TOO! And I'm sooo happy for them!" "ME Too!" It's too much for Tammy who tries to smile as she snarls, "They're only gonna be gone for a few hours, you moron!" when Kath says she's gonna miss them.

SEAN AND PAPPY'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

Sean and Paschal are dropped off on a cliff, where they are greeted by some big ol' marquesan dudes on horseback. Sean, who's never been on a living horse, totally freaks out and winds up having share a horse with one of the Marquesans, clinging desperately to the man's back. His abject terror sort of endeared him to me. Sean calms down once he starts rapping--y'know, maybe I'm stereotyping, but I would've expected Sean to be a better rapper than Gabe...nope. When they arrive at the feast, Sean declares, 'this is better than "Gilligan's Island!" Has he made some sort of endorsement deal with "TV Land" to mention an old TV show every episode?

Sean and pappy marvel once again at what an unlikely pair they make--He's a white southern judge and he's a black kid from Harlem-- It's "the Old man and the Brother,"coming this fall to CBS! Starring...Charles Durning and D.L. Hughley? Paschal tells us that he's stunned that he and Sean are friends, "Sure, Sean is annoying and lazy, but he's straight forward and honest. I mean, Zoe and Tammy work their butts off in camp, but you can't trust them a lick! I'd rather have to do all the cooking if it means I'll still be here in the end." The duo dines on roasted pig and fish as they watch the natives dance. Not to pull a Sean, but all I kept thinking about was the Hawaii episodes of "Eight is Enough." How sad was it when Pappy said he felt bad for what he knew the others were eating, and then they cut to Rotu eating cooked slime and kath's pathetic, "It's so much easier eating just one meal a day!" Fortunately, Paschal and Sean fill their pockets with food for the others. Which begs the question...if Mark Burnett doesn't care (obviously we saw them do it, so he saw them do it, and they told us they did and everyone later eats the food) then why did they have to smuggle it? If there was really a "you can't bring anything back for the others" rule, surely they would have been stopped? Sean teaches the Marquesan dudes an authentic "jive" handshake, one you must have to demonstrate in the audition in order to be cast, if you're a black man (CB teaches a similar one to Big Tom in the first episode of Survivor Africa). Pappy and Sean get all weepy with one another. When they return to camp, everyone partakes of the "stolen" food and Sean realizes, "Hey, even backstabbers deserve to eat every now and again."

Breakfast consists of "smuggled" fruit. pappy declares he will never again let a banana get so ripe that he has to throw it away, no sir. Vecepia says she never did that in the first place. Damn this episode is boring!

Tammy and the General decide their only hope is to try to get Paschal and Neleh over to their side--a move that would have been nice a few days ago. The General declares, "he never spoke tuh us! He wasn't our mouthpiece! In fact, there was never no us neither!" Tammy agrees, "He took his shorts of in front of us at the waterfall, and suddenly he was saying we were a group or whatever--I barely even knew the guy!" Paschal stands his ground and Neleh is openly disbelieving. The General takes this personally, telling us, "They know I never lied to either of them." yeah, Rob, the problem is they ALSO know that you never tried to help them, or warn them, or clue them in. You let John do all the talking, you let him "draw fire," and now you've got to live with the consequences of your actions--or lack thereof. Tammy makes one last pitch, "Look, honestly, do you REALLY want to be standing with the black people at the end rather than us? Not that there's anything wrong with being black, I'm just saying...don't we deserve to be in the final four ore than them?" Pappy says, "I want to be standing at the end with people who've never distorted the truth in order to manipulate me." End of discussion. The General tells us, "That hurts my feelings. They're calling me a liar when all I really am is a dumb tool who got in over his head. I fell in with a bad crowd, officer!" Then he goes off to pout, saying, "the General don't give a rat's ass about anyone but the General! I'm gonna make everyone miserable, waaah!" Neleh shakes her head, "Golly, I think we hurt his feelings because we don't trust him. You wonder how he'd react if he found out people he thought were his friends were leading him along like a lamb to the slaughter--you know, the way he played us!"

One person who's glad to see the General become insufferable is Zobot, who sees a chance to move up in the pecking order ahead of The General and Tammy by making jewelry and sucking up in general. Zoe tells us, "I never trusted Tanya...that's her name, right? Tanya? And that big guy--and CLEARLY they shouldn't have trusted me. Now I'm going to make it known that I've backstabbed not only Neleh, Pappy and Kath by joining the evil alliance, but now I've backstabbed the big guy and Teresa by abandoning them! I will bond with the Gumdrops very very subtly...by making them friendship bracelets with shells! I like to call this brilliant strategy 'changing horses in mid-stream' and I've got a real good feeling about it." The look on Tammy's face as Zobot goes about handing out the shell trinkets was truly priceless, especially when Neleh hugged Zoe and declared sincerely, "Oh Zoe! You're the most tenderhearted of all of us!" No, Sweet Pea, that's you, and it's very endearing but it might behoove you develop...if not a hard shell, at lest a better filter. Tammy marvels that no one else sees through Zoe's obviously fake attempt to curry favor with them, but I thought both Kath and V seemed very aware of Zobot's intentions. Kath has felt the most betrayed by Zoe--she hasn't trusted her since the merge, and cast a vote for her instead of Chachi. And V positively grimaced as she put on her necklace.

Immunity Poem:

It's time for a challenge on stilts
We hope that your hopes will not wilt
Cuz If keeping your balance
Ain't one of your talents
Then onto the ground you will tilt

Can they PLEASE stop saying "tree mail?"

Long story short, they have to "fight' one another on stilts, but everyone except Vecepia and Tammy so absolutely sucks that it's merely a matter of staying on the dang things for like, 10 seconds and you win. Tammy sucks slightly less than V and Tammy wins. Tammy says to Jeff, "You have NO idea how much I needed this!" Jeff says, "Uh, I'm Jeff Freaking Probst and I know ALL!! Don't my insightful--one might even say piercing questions at Tribal Council prove that??" The gumdrops seem to be sincere as they hug her in congratulations.

As they walk back from the challenge, The General is sincerely happy for Tammy's win. She tells him, "Friend, there is no way in hell you're getting your meaty hands on this necklace, but, stay positive--Pappy and Sean like you, right?" Neleh tells us, "Zoe has been such a hard worker--jeepers, she's worked even harder and been even nicer to me since we got rid of John--isn't that sweet? And Rob's been a moody jerk lately...but Zoe might win immunity someday and he never will...no offense, so...who knows?" The General assures us, "I can accept my fate if they wanna get rid of me--just so long as they accept my WILL when I get my vengeance as an all-powerful juror!" There's nothing more sad than the vengeful juror. I mean, you still have to give the million to somebody...

Tribal Council

John arrives clean-shaven, looking much better and years younger--like fourteen, actually. Jeff asks Sean how he's doing and Sean gets all weepy talking about his mother. When Jeff asks The General about his experience he says, "It's been interesting. I've seen one person...let's call her "contestant Z," totally deny that they were ever part of an alliance, and I've seen other people who were looked on as nobodys--and not for any racial reasons or nothing, become great players in this game. I've made some great friendships--that's what's important, Jeff, friendship!" It's a great speech that just might spare his fire-represented life on the island, at least this time around. Jeff asks Zobot if she has any experiences, 'on a deeper level," that she'd like to relate. "I don't have a deeper level, Jeff. I'm just work hard, play hard, lie hard, switch sides hard Zoe. Stay the Course."

DUH, Tammy doesn't give up immunity, but I thought it was stupid of her to say, '"I know for a fact, bastards, that if I gave this up, you'd vote me out!" I'm not certain it's true, for one, it might me seen as magnanimous (or stupid or manipulative, sure). But to come off so bitter and victimized just pushes her ahead of the General on the pecking order--she practically broke into "I'm still here!" which would have brought the show tune thing full circle.

Zoe is annihilated in the vote. Someone misspells her name "Zo," ya gotta love it. Tammy smirks, 'I'm voting for you because I just don't like you." Tammy's scrappy for sure and she just might be able to practically run the immunity table ala Kelly Wigglesworth or the Colbster, but she just doesn't quite have a squishy vulnerable center that enables me to give a damn how hard she's fighting. She's just kind of cold.

It's fitting that Zoe joins Africa's Brandon as juror number two, since she made the same kind of move as he did with the same result. This was also the same place in the game that we lost the teary but cheery Jenna and the evil Jerri. It's hard to feel bad for Zoe because she's still a zero on my radar. Her exit speech is like, "Whatever. I did my best, work hard, play hard, that's the Zoe way." Zuh? Even if The General and Tammy go in turn, I'm interested in what becomes of the final five. In order to be as fair and non-manipulative as they claim they want to be, it seems to me that the Gumdrops would have to, what? Not block vote? Each person goes in blind, votes their heart and we see how it shakes out. If they do that, then Kath might be at a disadvantage. I Think she might be the easiest person for Sean and V to vote for. But then, V might be easiest for Pappy and Neleh. Will someone move to break up the inseparable Pappy and Sweet Pea? If so, when? Next week, it's probably the General or else it's Tammy. Week after, immunity might play a pivotal role. Hopefully, the next two weeks aren't as boring as I fear... Peace, Christine :D

Survivor 4.8 :D :D :D

WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :D

Don't count your chickens until they Richard Hatch:) John is ousted in a STUNNER!! I was so sure V would never join Sean and company against the Smugglies--I didn't think the Smugglies would be sooooo smug as to reveal their "order of departure" during a challenge. If you had told me last week that Sean, Neleh, Paschal, Kath and Vecepia would not only all band together and eliminate King John, but that he would cry like a baby during his exit interview, I'd have said, "Well, that's mighty fine trash talking, but it's not gonna happen. V is a tool, Pappy and Sweet Pea are too "nice" to actually play the game and nobody like Sean." Let me assure you, being wrong has never felt soooo right! :D

The show begins as the group returns from Tribal Council. Tammy, the self-appointed Camp Counselor says, "Hey guys? I think we should all reflect on how totally awesome it is that we're all on the jury! So, even though we're gonna vote you out one by one, Sean, V, Pappy and Neleh, you can still be grateful to us for bringing you along this far." Neleh beams, "Thanks, Tammy! You're the best!" Paschal grins, "I feel so great! It's almost as though I haven't done the math and don't realize that in order for Gabe to have been ousted, you all must have had some sort of agenda that didn't include him--or me!"

Vecepia is very proud of herself for telling Chachi she was gonna vote for him, "I felt is was the moral thing to do, especially since we had a previous--and obviously meaningless--agreement that we WOULDN'T vote for one another." Zoe smiles, "It's so relaxed now that Chachi isn't here to point out what a liar I am." Apparently, Sean farts A LOT. Kathy tells us, "Sean's probably next to go. He complains a lot, he doesn't work very hard and he farts A LOT." But Sean tells us that farting is just one of the many ways he chosen to be true to himself.

Pappy goes out to sleep by the fire (whether this is Sean-related is unclear). The wind kicks up a storm--and lots of sparks, but Pappy just pulls a handkerchief over his face. It was kinda amazing he didn't catch fire, actually. Then a huge gust blows down a tree. The next morning, everyone is a little freaked out. Tammy frowns, "A few more feet, and it might have squashed our shelter." Vecepia gives her a hug and shudders, "Don't you dare tempt the island spirits by saying that...er...I mean, praise God, we're okay."

Kath confronts Zoe, asking her point blank if there was ever an alliance in place to vote her out. When Zoe denies it, Kath doesn't believe her, due in no small part, I'm sure, to the fact that the ENTIRE CAMP heard mastermind John yell at Chachi and Sean that if Chachi hadn't talked to Kath about that exact plan, then Kath would be gone. Kath thinks Zoe has been playing her from the beginning. She decides not to push the issue saying, "I don't want to be anyone's pawn, Zoe, but I don't want to hurt friendships either. Once we get rid of Sean, then we can see where we stand, okay?" Sean's dismissal seems a foregone conclusion at this stage...suspiciously so, Mark Burnett!

Pool Party at the waterfall!!!! Everyone raves, "WE ARE SO REFRESHED WHEN WE COME HERE!!"

Reward Poem:

It's time for you all to build kites
A win, and you'll see some cool sights
For all of the others
If we had our druthers
Back at camp you'd all have some fights

I really really hope that the term "Tree Mail" wasn't actually coined by Lex. Kathy is stoked at the whole kite concept. There's something very childlike about Kathy's enthusiasm and her honesty. I think that's how she's managed to become (gulp!) my favorite player despite her personality disorder. She tells us, "I think the next stage of the game is getting rid of the black people--not because they're black, mind you, but because they're the only remaining members of old Maraamu. Hey, Mark Burnett is the one that put the two black people together okay?" Then Kathy gets my full attention--and support--when she shakes her head and says, "I don't think we're gonna start eliminating power--I'd like to, I'd love to get rid of John or Tammy first." She tries to enlist Paschal, who is indifferent. He doesn't want to hear nothing about no Smuggly alliance. When she says the Smugglies are gonna use them to as steps to the top, Pappy glares angrily at her and barks, "So??" Kath realizes that Pappy and Sweet Pea are gonna have to experience the smuggly alliance in all it's glory in order to believe in its existence. Hee hee hee.

Jeff tells them they're playing for a Snickers (Snickers is a registered trademark) bar and a day of scuba diving. He cuts up a frozen bar and gives everyone a slice. Everyone delights over how good the chocolate tastes, but, thanks to Season 2's Jerri, I think we all know that they are actually sex-starved, and not hungry AT ALL. Everyone but Kathy sucks hardcore at kite flying--hey, she grew up near the ocean, aright? Sean refers to his sad little kite as having been made by "little Rascals." Sorry Sean, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids: Funny. Little Rascals: Not Funny. I dunno why, but there it is. Kathy has all kinds of fun on her trip and encourages herself in the third person: "Just keep going, Kath!" Everyone take one drink.

Back at camp, Tammy, John and the General are plotting. Tammy tells us that the three of them, along with Zoe, Neleh and Paschal have all agreed to vote the same way in the next THREE VOTES! Which must mean Sean, Kath and Vecepia. The idea of Pappy and Neleh plotting against Kath makes me mad. Cut to the seemingly doomed Sean, who vows to go out fighting. Pappy thinks it's fascinating to watch Sean scramble to get people over to his side--but he won't be a disinterested bystander for long :)

Was it just me or were they playing John Lennon's "#9 Dream" when Kath returned to camp? She brings them the Snickers and lays it on a bit thick--Kathy-style, about how she wants them to be happy and isn't the candy she brought them all just sooooo good? Counselor Tammy says, "Hey, it would have been hard for any of us to bring this back to share--let's give Kath some props everyone, while she's still here to hear them." John smirks to the camera, "Oh, it was a beautiful gesture. One eighth of a candy bar ain't changing my vote though. I'm an evil genius, you can't buy my loyalty, such as it is, with candy." Pappy insists to the camera, "There's a real family bond here. Less so with Sean here, but it's a strong bond. Not so much with Vecepia but it's a real nice thing. Less so, with Kathy but STILL, it's a strong bond, yessir."

Sean has a pow wow with Kathy, who's happy to talk with anyone who believes in the Smugglies as she does. Sean wants to play the game aggressively, and says that this 1 in 9 chance at a million is as close as they may ever get to getting a million bucks. Kathy is about to boast about some of her bigger real estate commissions, but thinks better of it and agrees they need to try to enlist Neleh and Paschal over to they're side, "Tammy and John are playing the game so hard it's obnoxious," growls the Kath the Kompetitor. Sean assures her that V is with them, along with the Lord Jesus Christ, but unfortunatley, He doesn't get to vote. Kath gets *uncomfortable."

Kath goes to Neleh who is also indifferent, but nice about it, of course. "There's always gonna be alliances, Kath," she shrugs sweetly, "And let me warn you, the more you rock the boat, the more likely it is that you'll be voted out before Vecepia, er, for example. I just picked V's name at random--it's not like there's a plan or anything!" So Kath takes another crack at Pappy who insists to the idealistic Kath that this game is NOT fair, and furthermore, he is NOT going to ally himself with the black people! "NOT because they're the black people, but because they're not members of old Rotu, and they got rid of Hunter which hurt Gina!" Kath is downcast, "Pappy wants Sean out of here and you know what? So does everyone else."

Meanwhile, John is shooting eye-daggers at Sean, who he feels has been "talking trash" to the other members about a pecking order and a Smuggly alliance. Hmmm, sounds like "Truth talking" if ya ask me. John, this year's Silas, is posing for Playgirl as he does this interview looking greased up in his shorts (I guess we should be glad he even bothered to wear them). It's funny how John is bothered by Sean's TRYING TO WIN. Can you imagine a pitcher crying to the media about how that stupid other team had the NERVE to try and hit the ball? Anyway, John goes out to make sure that Pappy and Neleh are onboard with ousting Sean and Pappy couldn't be more in agreement,"I was just saying to Neleh that is imperative to me that "someone like Sean," and I don't mean that racially in ANY WAY, doesn't make it to the finals. I told Neleh that you would make a great finalist, John. But Sean would be an embarrassment." Has Paschal ever WATCHED the show?? I mean, Lex and Big Tom?? Rich??? STOOPID SOO!?!?!?!?! Anyway, Pappy gives John his word that he will be voting out Sean tonight and John is pleased. In an UNBELIEVABLE display of ego, John tells us, "I think Paschal and Neleh are really rooting for me to win. They're like...two free passes I can uses as often as I like until they expire and I throw them away! It's great to have people like them too root me on in MY quest to become the Ultimate Survivor!" That's one for the Survivor Selfishness Record books.

It was recently brought to me attention that I haven't done a quiz this year. So here we go:)

What is your all-time favorite Survivor quote? I did not intend for these to all be from women, it just worked out that way:

A) Stacey: "You switched your vote!!"
B) Tina: "Let the Games Begin!"
C) Alicia: "I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face!!"
D) Linda: "Did your momma never hug ya!?"
E) Vecepia: "Too much DRAMA!"
F) Kath: "Good thing those rocks got turned over, guys!"
Just some suggestions--feel free to submit other faves, if you have them:)

Tammy fusses about the cooking pot, making sure everyone gets fed and that everyone likes her, I guess. Sean says, "The mood around camp is basically, everyone's glad I'm going home tonight." He and Neleh and John get the immunity poem together, John wearing "I'm here, etc." sarong. I'm told men wear sarongs on certain Pacific islands, but John is an American and it looks...ahem, odd. I don't mean to be indelicate, but I'm certain he's going commando underneath the sarong, yecchh. In every way, he is Hatch Lite.

Immunity consists of a combination quiz and elimination game. If you answer the test questions right you get to chop down one of any others players three bunches of coconuts. When all your bundles have been chopped down, you're out. Not surprisingly, the Smugglies gleefully attack Sean. Sean goes after John, which John pretends to take in stride even though we know he is threatened because HE'S JOHN. When he takes out Sean, he blows him a kiss, which Sean grabs and sticks on his ass--well played, Sean, well played. Then...they go after Vecepia. Hokay. V plays it off like she's amused, but as she sits next to Sean on the back of the Immunity Bus, so to speak, you can tell she's not pleased. Then, the Smugglies aggressively go after Kath. John is almost brained when he cuts down one of Neleh's bundles and then walks in it's path. CBS Business Affairs gives a collective sigh of relief when John pulls back and avoids a lawsuit--I mean, injury. Sean mutters to Kath and V "I KNOW we could take them!" V whispers back, "If only Pappy and Neleh would wise up and see the writing on the wall!!" As if trying to oblige, Zoe kisses her machete in order to eliminate Paschal. The General is the ONLY one with the sense (wait...did I just SAY that??) to go after other Smugglies, actually eliminating John and going after Zoe. When Pappy is out, Sean mutters, "This is the order, this is how they're gonna do it." Neleh frowns as she comes to the same conclusion, watching the Smugglies gloat and laugh as they target her and Pappy before going on to bestow immunity on Tammy. Yes, the Smugglies keep the immunity necklace from Sean--but it will soon prove to be a Pyrrhic victory :)

The mood at camp is ugly. The Smugglies stupidly choose to congratulate one another AS A FOURSOME, in front of the other players. Vecepia glares behind her shades--she is their tool no longer! Zoe smirks to John, "I *almost* took you out because I felt bad taking out Paschal--NOT!" John tells us, "In the challenge, we took out Sean, Vecepia and then Kathy, just like we're gonna do in real life--brilliant, huh? That'll show them who's in charge. I took great satisfaction in cutting Sean's last rope. Hopefully that's an omen for the vote tonight. Well...it could have been if you Smugglies weren't so damned....SMUG! >:D

Because his little stepping stones have jumped off the garden path. His little free passes have redeemed themselves for cash. His little 5 & 6 want to be 1 & 2. In one of the most pivotal and monumental walks in Survivor history, Paschal and Neleh take hold of their destiny. Paschal begins, "Well they didn't play THAT very smart. I was perfectly willing to go along with their decisions...I never would have realized until I got voted out that the Smugglies actually existed! I thought Kath was just being paranoid!" Nelah agrees, "I was sooo totally gonna fall for the Smuggly scheme too!" Paschal realizes bitterly, "they were never going to give us any consideration at all. And they revealed the truth to us themselves by cutting us down in the order they plan on eliminating us from the game!" Nelah agrees and man, is she steamed at her former team, "I have been NOTHING but honest with these liars! I have followed my heart in every decision--I can't vote for Sean tonight because it's what they want! We've worked too hard to settle for being their 5 & 6. If we want to have any shot at all, we have to vote with Sean!" In other words, she ain't going out like a sucker! Yeah! Pappy keeps us guessing by saying he doesn't know how to play the game, he just tries to play the same way he lives and works and judges: fairly and consistently. Everyone gathers their gear to go to Tribal Council, Sean packs up all his things and tells us he's prepared to get voted out, "I'd rather go out at 9 and still fighting, than at 5,6 or 7 and a total chump." He looks pained when John shakes his hand and pounds his chest in an affectionate, "see ya later, bro," kind of way.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

**Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better" playing** And by "it" I mean stirring the pot! Jeff is the master! He asks Vecepia, "Wasn't it kinda obvious in the challenge that Sean, you and Kath are the next three players to go?" For a wonder, Vecepia doesn't give one of her "go along to get along" answers. She agrees, "Yup. Alarm bells went of for me and SEVERAL other player, Jeff. It incredibly obvious." The General looks concerned. Jeff then asks John if his blown kiss to Sean (that Sean put on his ass) was meant as a Godfather style kiss-off and John laughs, "Well being the mouthpiece, you're right that's exactly the way I meant it. Me and Sean? We kid! We're friends. Friends who hate each other." Does anyone out there remember Pacino BLOWING a kiss of death to anyone?? But that's not the question on anyone's mind at Tribal Council. They want to know what exactly john is "the mouthpiece" of. The SMUGGLY ALLIANCE PERHAPS? Jeff asks Paschal what his objective is and pappy says, "The objective was to be as honest as I could be (John grins his evil grin) but...I think I actually started plying the game today, as a matter of fact." When John is asked the same question he smiles, "Yeah, I came in trying to be, you know, Mr. Integrity and whatnot. It'd be a change of pace if there was a gay man on this show that WASN'T a conniving sonofabitch, that's for sure. But then you start...building alliances and not trusting people and taking your clothes off and...I haven't out and out LIED but I've told some white lies and whatever, its part of the game." Tammy and the General both look uncomfortable, and Zoe inexplicably nods here--inexplicable until we see who she voted for during the credits. Jeff asks Sean if he's proud of how he played and he says yes, he hasn't lied to anyone "up to this point," a phrase you see Pappy filing away. He says integrity is very important to him and, having never met a bumper sticker he didn't like he says, "Stand for something or you'll fall for anything." When Jeff asks Tammy if she wants to bestow immunity on anyone else she says, a bit TOO honestly, "You know, I couldn't have given a rat's ass about immunity before, because I was SOOOOOO confident in my position in the tribe--I'm everyone's big sister Tammy, for crying out loud! Now I realize we might have been morons at the challenge, so I'm sure glad I've got this precious necklace!"

time for the vote. Nelah smiles when she puts hers in. Sean says to John, "Checkmate brah! Thought ya had me, but when you go to Vegas, always bet on black. But, we're definitely gonna have some chicken and waffles when this is done!" No, I'm not kidding, he really said all that. Sean is just a cliche machine, turn the crank--out comes a well-worn homily/slogan/movie one-liner, and then a reminder that, in case you weren't sure, Sean is black!

The vote is very close. 3 to 3 and then the next two fall against John and he is Outta there! Tammy looks stunned, the General looks rueful, and Nelah looks...powerful? In the exit interview, we see that Zoe voted against John too--what does it all mean? John tries the, "I don't care it's just a dumb game I didn't want to win anyway" tack, saying "Ha ha, you guys have to suffer and I get to go to the hotel and eat and sleep in comfort," which is just poor loser bullhonky. Then he says, "I played the game...I made it to the jury...Mom, sorry you don't get to retire..." and he starts crying. I mean, Nelah wrote "Johny Baby" on her card, and it turns out she has a prophetic gift because he cries wike a wittle baby :D See ya Johnny! Hey, my mommy wouldn't want to live in a house I bought her, if it meant treating people like crap.

Jeff dismisses the group saying the game is up for grabs--and it literally is! Because this isn't a hard five person alliance here. Sean is doubtful (in my mind) for the final four. Unless Kath chooses to break up Neleh and Paschal?? I really see Kath Pappy and Neleh as strong front runners, but I wouldn't assume that Zoe and the General are toast. Vecepia, not strongly allied with either group--but not strongly associated in a negative context either, might be sitting pretty--at least for a while. Next week, Tammy's gone--The General if she wins immunity again. Zoe's ties to Kath and V keep her around...maybe? I honestly don't know--ain't Survivor a hoot? :)

Peace, Christine :D

Survivor 4.7 :D

I'm visiting my sister, so hello from Sacra-tomato, to quote a DJ from my childhood. "These happy days are yours and mine..." Say, am I the only one who's been humming the "Happy Days" theme song all week? I didn't think so :) Chachi finally gets sent packing in an episode full of what Vecepia likes to avoid--DRAMA! And I say... Aaaaaaaaaaaaayyy!

The episode begins with a little "CSI" crossover, as Neleh (who's name is pronounced "neh-LEE-uh" just me, or is she missing a vowel somewhere), Paschal and Kath stumble upon a human skeleton--the apparent victim of some ancient sacrifice. Too bad crime reporter Tammy isn't here to flesh out the bones' story, so to speak. Clearly ready for the yet-to-be-seen "Island trivia" challenge, Pappy and Kath agree that the bones are in a "Pi Pi," a type of Marquesan monument. Neleh is horrified, "They just buried him in a WALL??" But Neleh, maybe being buried in a wall was a big honor back in the day. Ah, Neleh. You just gotta love a girl who feels compassion for a guy that's been dead for 500 years. Kath tells us the vote was tough. She was glad to survive, but sad to see Gina go. "Pappy and Neleh are too close, if we don't merge, I'm a goner!" Hard to imagine Burnett allowing a tribe of three (kinda boring) people to go on another week, Kath. I thought maybe he was gonna reshuffle once more.

At Rotu, The General has a thousand-yard-stare going as he sits by the campfire with Zoe and John. King John is going on about how he's gonna catch a damn pig, then he grabs a gnat from the sky and says, "See, there's one right there!" Zoe laughs as though this is actually funny. The General *stares blankly* like Sarah used to, barely aware of the others presence. Chachi glares at them from beneath a tent. He tells us, "Ahm in uh tribe wit a buncha morons!" Then he goes on, "Ahv abow had it wit dis tribe," like he really has options? Putting up with people you don't like is a large part of the game. Speaking of, Vecepia has a good morning kiss for King John. Rob tells us, "Vecepia's soooo fake tuh me. [Insert montage of everyone else getting along with one another except he and Sean] Duh way everone is actin' bein' all nice and whahevuh tuh eachothuh--maybe dat's dere way uh playun duh game, but ah hate it." Ugh. We hate you too! And so do they! "At duh othuh camp, ah always had an ace in duh hole, here ah don'." Does he still really think he and Sarah were gonna take it all the way to the end? Really!? Rob tells Sean he doesn't believe that John will really honor his word. *Maybe* they'll get rid of Kath "like they said" but they'll still get rid of at least one of them, so they can't start anything. The idea that Rob is outraged that John will do whatever it takes to ensure his own survival is baffling to me. I mean, it IS the game. He then makes a stupid mountain climbing analogy about how he has to do something radical to win, but really, he's just plain and simple dumb and outnumbered.

Mail call! Each tribe has to pick someone, outfit them in long pants and long sleeves and tennis shoes (why, we never learn), and send them off on a mission for their team. Neleh is bummed that they'll be split up, and Kath is chosen to go. Tammy reads the requirements to her team and asks *everyone* but looks pointedly at John, "So, who do we send?" UTTER, STUPEFIED SILENCE. No one says anything. John, the self-proclaimed mighty leader stands their with his mouth hanging open, catching flies. You can hear the wheels turning--"...what if I go and lose--that might lose me respect--not that I'll apologize--plus while I'm gone, everyone might turn on me behind his back..." "I'll volunteer tuh go," Rob says quietly. Everyone stares at him. Tammy asks everyone, but looks pointedly at John, "Does...ANYONE else want to go?" But now, it'll look like they're *afraid* to let Chachi go, so John says, "Hey, Rob wants to go, so..." So. So, John and the smugglies whiff, and Chachi gets a *chance* to strategize, plus he gets a reward. Regardless of what this challenge turned out to be, one of the smugglies should have insisted on going, and they show weakness by allowing their loosest cannon to take an unaccompanied spin around the island. Rob, the idiot savant, is correct in smelling opportunity in this challenge. "Now it's in God's hands," Sean mutters as Chachi walks away from the group. Yeah, Sean, because Almighty God *really* cares about who wins "Survivor: Marquesas."

So, Kathy and Rob win the jackpot. They get to name the new tribe, make a new flag and eat pizza. And, oh yeah, get plastered on Coors Light. The two get ripped and eventually swap stories. Rob is just *shocked* to hear that Gina told Kath that he was a lazy self-interested bum. Kath is floored to hear that Zoe and the rest plan to oust her first. He tells her, "Ah may be writin' muh own death cuhtificate, tellin yose dis! If dey fine out ah said anythin'dey might take me out!" Indeed. Yet...it will be Rob who reveals his own treachery, ha ha ha. Kath and Rob make a pact never to vote out the other. Kath means it, Rob boasts to us that he doesn't. Kath is suspicious, but the two snuggle up in the same bed and Rob wonders if they could be the final two. "That'd be a riot," Kath laughs, "Let's see if we can do it." Chachi tells us, "It'll be interesting tuh see if I can tell duh troot fuh once in muh life." Rob is actually a Brandon. He's so into screwing people over, he's forgotten to make actual relationships. Even the evil Richard Hatch had real bonds with Stoopid Sue and Rudy. They trusted each other and got to the final four together, and THEN all bets were off. Anyway, the "Kathy loves Chachi" spin-off is short-lived, and the pair heads to Maraamu, where they greet Pappy and Neleh. The four have five minutes to pack up everything they have and head to Rotu, where they will merge into one new tribe. Rob puts on his "Loveable dope" persona and hugs Pappy and Neleh--but, I dunno, it seemed kinda fake tuh me ;)

THE MERGE

Rotu greets the returning Kath, Paschal and Neleh, and, oh yeah, Chachi. Kath is subdued and suspicious--Rob has given her a lot to think about, and she does sense that the old Rotu spirit (aka Gabriel) has gone. Chachi gathers them together to hand out the new rags---a truly awful hot pink is now their tribe color. Their new name is "Soliantu," which means "Sacred Allegiance to the Sun." Or "Son," if you're Vecepia, I would reckon. The flag is kinda cute, with a big happy sun, a groovy blue and white waveish "Soliantu" and palm trees and everyone's initials painted along the bottom. It reminded me of the team flags we had when I played AYSO soccer. When I was 13, I played on a team called "the Goalbusters," and brother, it don't get more 1984 than that! Everyone acts like they're so happy to be reunited, but it's as yet unclear who's legit about that.

The General refuses to wear the pink bandanas, "Real men don't wear pink. Real men get lots an' lots an' lots of tattoos and make up tough sounding nicknames for themselves and we do NOT wear pink, aright?" He also claims that everyone's happy to be together. Vecepia leads Sean, John, and Rob in prayer, and Chachi doesn't keep his eyes shut, nor does he manage to even keep a straight face. V is one of those Christians who pepper their prayer with lots of "Father Gods" and "Lords." I'm not saying this is the case of everyone who does this, I know for lots of people, it's sincere, but I strongly suspect that it's filler sometimes, like, instead of saying, "Uh...." you say, "Lord," to sound more spiritual. V thanks God for their new members, their new ugly new buffs, and their new, blasphemous tribe name, which she can't remember. I dunno what's weirder, THIS prayer, or Neleh's with the Thee's and Thou's or V's "We're gonna win, right Lord?" demand-prayer about the Fat Albert SOS sign.

Kath continues to fret about her standing in the tribe. She tells Paschal she's next on the hit list and wants him to understand that she, he and Ne are all being played by the "powerful forces" of the Smugglies. He says he does know that, but warns her not to be too confrontational this soon after the merge. I think Pappy knows, as I suspect, that it's easy to talk about voting out people you can't see. I think that Tammy, Zoe and The General would rather keep Pappy and Neleh instead of Sean and Chachi, duh. Kath does not heed his advice. As the group sits down for a meal she declares, "By God, it's a game, but I don't think lying fits into games, except for...dictionary, maybe. And Poker...maybe, anyhoo, keep it up front. Don't lie to me." Neleh looks concerned, Chachi is intrigued and John and Tammy look stunned. Vecepia, in "drama denial" pretends not to hear a word. John has some nerve looking concerned, since this has been his own mantra for the last 20-odd days. Tammy tells us, "Some people have said you absolutely shouldn't lie ever, and we should tell everyone before we vote them out. That's a great "idea" but it's not realistic. I'll try not to lie in anyone's face, but I may have to lie once or twice or three times. This is a game about outwitting people, and I intend to play this game and win it." WORD! Truer words have never been spoken on Survivor island. I agree totally with Tammy's intentions. What if Tina told Jerri she was being voted out?? It doesn't make any sense to tell someone that they're next to go. It gives them time to plot and it's also INSULTING. It's an arrogant display of power--that's how Clarence took it, when he cast his last vote for Lex, the idiot who thought he was noble to tell CB he was out.

Chachi is truly an idiot savant. He's Rain Man. He's got the game memorized, but he doesn't *really* understand it. He knows the odds, he knows the angles, but he has no grasp of human behavior. He doesn't understand that he doomed himself back at Maraamu. By alienating Gina, he alienated Paschal and Neleh, he can't possibly gain ANYTHING, by revealing to Zoe that Kath knows about the Smuggly plot to oust Kath INSTEAD OF HIM. But, he loves confrontation. He wants to put Zoe on the spot, so he shanghais Kath and Zoe and asks Zoe point blank if there's a plot to oust Kath. Zoe lies and says no (and JUST LIKE LAST TIME, it's John's "honestly policy" that puts her in this position). "You're amazin', Zoe," Chachi chuckles, to which Zoe replies, "Why thank you." Chachi insists she stop lying and Zoe insists she isn't. Rob then sarcastically imitates her, a surefire way to get someone to talk to you rationally, right? Kath storms, off, disgusted with both of them and their scheming ways. Rob tells Zoe, "I get tired of bein lied too ovuh and ovuh again." He can dish it out just fine, though. This move by Rob is utterly baffling to anyone who thought he was dangerous. All it does is *force* his way out of the Smugglies embrace. Kath jumps in the spring to clear her head. She knows she needs immunity to stay in the game.

Immunity Challenge!

Everyone stands on a wood square in the water. They are tossed about, and can not use their hands to stay on--it's a test of balance and concentration. Neleh, the General and Pappy go first. Neleh takes great delight in V's falling. I like that. She's sweet, but she's got some fire (and maybe just a pinch of spite) and she's gonna need it. Zoe and Sean shake shake shake, shake their booties a bit to show off. Everyone's having fun except the glowering John, who has stripped off his shirt and is wearing a fishing hat pulled down low over his eyes, the brim flipped up. He looks like such a dork, and you can just tell he thinks he looks *intense.* His beard is unflattering, but I'll bet he's grown it out just to show up Rob, who lacks some testosterone or something. Sean falls, as does Zoe. Chachi--yes, he's THIS STUPID--tries to splash someone with water and of course, has to grab the platform for balance. Down he goes. Tammy is out, and now it's just John and Kath. Both keep almost faltering, but both keep recovering. Kath is using her martial arts--and you know what? She DID grow up near the ocean:) And this was the challenge that kept on giving, cuz first Chachi went out by doing something stupid, and now King John reaches down to grab his shirt, I think. Ala Keith, the king of the cheaters, he tries to deny that he actually touched the platform, but Jeff ain't hearing it. Kath wins!!! Jeff seems delighted to place the immunity idol around her neck--I think he's as sick of Chachi as we are:) Zoe seems genuinely pleased that Kath can't be voted off. I think John is scared of his old tribesmen and their pesky likeability, but the others aren't. They'd rather get rid of Chachi and Sean first.

For the 57th time in this episode, Chachi is interviewed. Lord knows what the remaining nine people will be able to tell us about themselves in the coming weeks, once they silence The Mouth. Chachi, failing to see reality, and his own need to conform, babbles, "It's terrible trine tuh live here wit dese people. Ever'one's trine tuh live as one happy family!" Yeah...sounds...bad? Then he has the audacity to say, "Duh way I see it, Kathy ratted me owt tuh Jaahn." Uhmm, actually, I'll bet Zoe told him how you confronted her in front of Kathy, revealing the smuggly alliance and their evil plan! You know, Zoe, the woman you keep antagonizing? Then he smirks, "Jaahn's not as smaht as he tinks he is." Well, takes one to know one, bucko. Then he claims, "you can't have secrets too long in this game," which the history of this game which I know WAAAAAY more than you, Chachi, proves is utter nonsense.

So, Chachi decides to confront John. It's ironic that a young man so in love with his deceit should hang himself with his need for honesty. Rob and Sean ask John who they're gonna vote for. John says he doesn't know and Rob, again, thinking himself a great legal mind says, "But, hold on, I tawt we was gonna get Kathy and dem one by one? What about 'my word is my bond' and all dat stuff?" John looks at him like he's grown two ill-shaven heads, "Uh...yeah, that was before you TOLD Kathy the freakin' plan, dipstick!" Which, of course, Rob out and out denies, which makes John mad, "Don't lie to my face!" The three men continue to shout at one another, with John insisting the old plan would have been in affect if not for Rob's treachery, Sean insisting that HE didn't betray the plan and shouldn't be held responsible, and Rob saying things like, "It's ON!" ALL of this is well within earshot of the other tribe members, who meekly go one with their meal preparations like frightened children of abusive parents, hoping not to be noticed. This is especially true of Vecepia who, to the delight of Survivor Drinking Game players everywhere mutters her catchphrase, "too much DRAMA!" Then John, not sounding "honest" at all, insists that there's really no teams anymore, each vote is individual. How he thinks he can put the alliance back in the bag is beyond me. Sean howls, "It wasn't individual when it was Gabe's turn to go! It was an alliance of seven! It was a coup d'etat with Lyndon Johnson waiting in the wings! [apologies to Oliver Stone] Gabe didn't fit into your plan of global domination so you had him eliminated--with our help!" John insists his hands are clean and he's happy with the decision he has to make tomorrow. What's great about Kath's immunity and Chachi's blunders is it forces John to do what he should have done in the first place: eliminate Rob. The fight spills into the rest of camp. Rob yells at the General, insisting he be honest with him, "Be a man, like Gabe, and tell me if yur votin fer me!" The General replies, "I don' know nuthin' 'bout hatchin' no alliances! I keep my word to myself! I'm just the General and dat's dat!" Uhm...for those of us who don't know you very well, could you elaborate on what exactly "dat" is? Rob thinks he was brilliant, of course, claiming "You're always lookin' fuh angles, and ever one's lyin. yuh know?" He seems positively stoned. Sean tells us he's more mature than Chachi, but just as upset--he and John shared intimate stories about what it's like to be a black man and a gay man, respectively. He thought they had a genuine bond. Sean is learning too late that he'd have been better off swimming with Vecepia than plotting with Chachi.

Later, Kath chuckles, "Now, everything's back to the "love" tribe but who knows who's being real and who isn't? It's flipping me out!" She goes to John , who appears to tell her that the game changes from day to day and that now, today, she can trust him. Something like, "Day one is completely different from day 22 or whatever." Then they hug, but it feels very insincere--these two have clashed from Day One, after all. Kath shakes her head with us, "I guess I have to get into this peculiar mindset, kiss kiss, I love you but...guess what, Tribal Council and you're out!" Well, yeah, Kath, maybe a little.:) I actually really like Kath now. Not just for comic potential but I really am rooting for her. Go figure.

Tribal Council!

Jeff seems almost gleeful as he tells the gang that Rob--or whoever--is the last non-juror in the group. He asks Vecepia if her mindset is different now that there aren't two tribes, only individuals facing off as 10 individuals. Like a student afraid of saying the wrong answer, Vecepia chooses to repeat the question back as an answer: "Well, yes, the mindset has definitely changed. We aren't two tribes anymore. We're competing individually and we're all adversaries. The General is my adversary, Tammy is my adversary, John is my adversary. Of course, the only TRUE adversary is Satan himself, and I have the ultimate immunity necklace in Jesus!" Jeff asks Sean about the mood of the tribe and he says he's fighting for his life. Jeff asks Zoe, "Zoe, why don't you comfort Sean with one of those lies you're so good at telling?" "Be glad to, Jeff. Everyone has there own feelings, and I don't feel the way Sean does but if that's the way he feels...I feel sorry for him." When Jeff asks the General about his game plan, he blathers, "My word is my bond. I am who I am--the General, in case you haven't yet read my arm!" When Jeff asks John about his statements about integrity, John says, "If you come to me, the supreme leader of the tribe, as well as the inner alliance, and ask me to work a deal, then you are morally obligated to live up honor that deal unless I agree IN WRITING that our deal is no longer valid. Then and only then can you escape my petty wrath!" Rob says he's happy with the way he's played, "I have lied continuously in this game. So have dey. Dey won' tell yuh dat, I jus did."

Jeff reveals a new wrinkle with the immunity necklace: you can now give it to someone else if you're secure enough and want to save someone. Kath declines--"Are you freakin' kidding me?? Have you been watching the show?? I really need it and I'm no suckuh!"

I doubt many people will use this option. I see sure fire goners using it: Rodger would have given it to Elisabeth, if he could, for example. Also, Lex probably would have stupidly given it to Brandon when only he wanted to save him. But it seems like, even if you're in an alliance, it might come off as dangerously arrogant to admit you're that confident. Jeff warns them as always that the vote is final and the ejectee must leave the Tribal Council area immediately. Does anyone else wonder what would happen if someone DIDN'T leave the Council area immediately? Are there Jerry Springeresque guards standing off camera? Just a thought.

Off to the delicious vote. Both Rob and Sean vote for John. Sean actually says, "You dissed me, AND my boy. Dat's for you, Dog!" But, although cliche, he at least sounds vaguely menacing as opposed to Chachi who reaches new depths in lamedom when he says, "Catch yuh on duh flipside!" Kath honors her bond with Rob by casting her vote for Zoe, while the rest all vote for Chachi. John smiles like he's soooo confident and amused to see his name come up, but it was fun to see it vanish when it came up a second time. It reveals how insecure the "grand poobah" really is. Then he gloats when Chachi is dismissed. Jeff says, "You SAY you're one big family, and yet you all hate each other--should be a fun few weeks...for our viewers, at any rate!." In his exit speech, Rob implores everyone not to believe anything he said, "Dat's just my personality, I was just kiddin' most uh duh time!" Whatever, dude, hasta la pasta. Evil Chachi joins the good and noble Gretchen, the mean and snarky Jeffy Jeff and the sweet but greedy Clarence as first out after the merge. The last three all quit (essentially) the immunity challenge, even though they obviously really coulda used it.

I wish we could now get rid of King John. I wish I could say he's a Jerri who will soon be usurped by the more noble tribe members. I wish she were even a Lex, who *I* hated, but everyone in the tribe seemed to like, but he got out right before the final two. But I fear he may truly be a cut-rate Rich Hatch, who everyone keeps around because they all think he's a sure-fire ticket to a million dollars. John CANNOT win...or...can he?

Next week, I wish Neleh, Pappy, Kath and Sean could bond to oust John--technically they could do it, and might even be inclined to do it, but they'd need Vecepia, and I don't think she'll go along--not even to save her fellow Christian of Color, Sean (remember, Sean said both things bonded them together in week one). I think V is another Doctor Sean, a number 5 painted squarely on her forehead--I'd love for her to prove me wrong, but next week it's bye bye Sean. If he get immunity--then it's Kath. :( If you'd have told me that either prospect would make me sad a few weeks ago, I would have (rather rudely) laughed in your face. I don't *like* Sean, but he beats King John in my book, any day of the week and twice on Survivor Thursday.

Peace, Christine:)

Survivor 4.6 "Nature and Opportunity..."

I'm gonna start this review with a story that may not at first seem relevant, but it is, so trust me. Back when I was a mere young twentysomething, I must confess I watched "Beverly Hills 90210" quite religiously. It was a big deal when I was in college and I remember racing back to my dorm from a night class I had and hearing the theme music on the wind, pouring from every window. There were two characters who sang--very VERY badly. One was a character named "Ray" who was this working class angsty dud of a dude whose raspy voice made my roommate and I cringe. The other was a character named "David," a rich white kid who rapped--on the positive tip, yo yo! It was dreadful to the point of being embarrassing. Once I graduated, I still watched and my former roommate, Heather, and I used to call one another whenever one of these two sang. If David was doing his drippy hip hop, she'd call and say, "David is really much worse than Ray." And then in the next episode Ray would "sing" and I'd have to call her and say, "No, David is better, Ray is way worse." The only way that one of them seemed better was when they weren't the one performing.

That's what comes to mind whenever Chachi or King John are on camera. Whichever one isn't talking seems to benefit and I find myself rooting for the one to oust the other. And Sean has risen in my esteem with his humor. Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten who he is, but sadly it's come to this: he's the lesser of three evils.

The show starts with some new material in the "previously on Survivor" segment, Chachi votes for Gabe like everyone else but tells John (???) that he knows what's going on and that it's now his mission to eliminate him first chance he gets. Why they didn't just show this is beyond me. Some idiot executive types have decided that the vote has to be a total surprise to the audience until the very moment that Jeff says, "The fifth person voted off the island is..." when it would be much more interesting for us to hear what some of these people have to say. So what if we realize the outcome TWO MINUTES before 9pm?

In the aftermath of Gabe's departure, King John, Tammy and Zoe and the General are pretty happy with their little power base and are plotting at the waterfall. They think they can be the final four. Since this was once the snuggly happy family tribe, I'm going to dub this arrogant foursome "the Smugglies." John tells us, "We feel pretty confident that we're in control of this game," which IMHO is like daring Mark Burnett to throw another wrinkle into the game. Personally, I think there's almost no way for the smugglies NOT to screw themselves next episode, but more on that later. John tells his group, "If we do this right, the winner will come out of this group. I've been *waiting* to lose one so that we could get rid of Gabe." Now this is a DIRECT contradiction of John's words and behavior in the previous show. Gabe's problem was that he didn't assure them enough that he would vote out the piggies in turn (even though he did vote for Rob). John told us that if Gabe told him they'd vote out Rob, Sean and V before they voted out old Rotu, that things would be square with him. Only now is he revising history to say that he ALWAYS wanted to get rid of Gabe first.

John goes on to boast to us, "My leadership has emerged. Ever since Gabe has been gone (12 hours??) everyone knows I am the leader, the nurse, the chef, the doctor, the lawyer, the Indian chief. Everyone knows I am the one running the show." Then he tells the other Smugglies, "We're up 4-3, so lets focus on winning the reward challenge and not worry so much about immunity. The reward challenge is definitely more important." Remember that, because he's gonna contradict himself later:) The General tells us, "John has appointed himse;f as the "power guy" or whatever, that's fine. He can take all the heat and be the target and I'll just lay low." One gets the impression that that's what everyone's doing in the Smuggly group, but it's hard to say--I still haven't a really strong idea of who Zoe or Tammy are. What's their deal? Then John, standing underneath the waterfall decides to take of his shorts and jump off the rock naked, "Maybe it's my new tribal baptism as Grand Sultan of All Survivor, but I decided to go skinny dipping." Maybe you're just an idiot, John. The General and Zoe are merely mildly amused by John's brief nudity and Tammy barely glances over her shoulder before going back to chilling in the pond, but John insists, "Beholding my naked body was really a powerful moment for all of us, and it symbolized how close we are. I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that in front of the others." Er, lucky them.

Cut to: the follicley challenged Chachi and Sean. Sean tells Sean that their only hope is to win immunity and then bond with whoever comes over from Maraamu. He tells us, "Losin' Gabe put us at a disa'vanage," Well, Rob a) you helped and b) If Gabe didn't go IT WOULD HAVE BEEN YOU or Sean. Seems like it helped you immensely as you're still remarkably here. Then they complain about V, who is swimming in the ocean. Sean says, "I don't know what she's doing, but she's definitely disassociating herself fro us in a clear and visible manner!" Uh...yeah...that's what she's doing, distancing herself from you, get it?? ROb tells us, "V's pissin' me off cuz it's so ovious what she's doin. I don' trust V," Then he adds, to demonstrate his evil genius, "I NEVER truss-ed V." Then he tries to suppress a smile because he's always so danged amused by himself, which severely undercuts his attempts to seem like a bad ass. Rob loves talking to the camera as much as Keith did. Rob reiterates that his main goal is to eliminate John at all costs.

Meanwhile, Maraamu gets even closer by going on a group crab hunt. There's plenty of food and plenty of love amongst the three women and Pappy, who says that despite their physical prowess, they still have a chance to win challenges because of their spirit and Kath agrees, "At first I thought that three chicks and an old geezer would make us a bunch of losers but I've been rather pleasantly surprised." Then she tells us that at Rotu, they only ate dinner--here they have breakfast lunch and dinner. But what about second breakfast?? Just a little Lord of the Rings humor for ya there :)...The good people of Maraamu guess correctly that old Rotu will be more concerned about winning the reward than winning immunity but are incorrect in their logical assumption that either Sean or Rob is no longer there. Nelah thinks Rob is gone, the other (interestingly) all think Sean. "We'll all be STUNNED if a member of the Rotu Love Joy and Happiness Family Tribe was voted out," they all insist.

The Smugglies go get the mail--anyone else think that they're stupid idiots to be spending this much time as a foursome? More on that later (I know, I know, but it's my wrap up).

This challenge, it's time for a race
Your quickness determines your place
If you beat the rest
Then you'll have a fest
Some food to shove in your face

John literally hops up and down with glee and squeals, "It's gonna be food, it's gonna be food!" Remember that, because he's going to contradict it later. The idea of the three ladies and Pappy beating them in a race is quite preposterous to the Smugglies, who are supremely confident.

The groups meet Jeff at the Reward Beach, I hate how they all hang all over one another, it's so fake. You're *united*, we get it. Maraamu is shaken AND stirred to see Gabe was eliminated, but there's no time for tears. Jeff explains the race--two members race on foot, untying two paddles along the way and smashing open some coconuts to find a key that unlocks a boat. Two other members paddle out to get a flag, paddle back in to where the boat was originally chained and run in to place the flag on a podium--both members of the running team must stay together, and the boaters must both put the flag in the podium together. Ask and ye shall receive, here comes the product placement, though it's only "Sierra Mist," a lemon-lime that must me so much more refreshing than the sickly sweet Mountain Dew of years past. Doritos don't get an invite this time though, just chicken, quiche, salad, cookies and cakes. It's all politics, Doritos, hold your head up. Everyone is thrilled at the prospect.

Paschal and Rob run the first leg, and Chachi kicks his butt. Rob and Zoe continue the domination when Nelah joins Pappy. But then, King John and the General have problems. They can't seem to move forward, and John keeps sniping at Big Rob to let him paddle while the General steers. This allows Gina and Kath to gain ground--or water, I should say, on the bickering pair. Both boats reach shore at almost the same time, but Kath and Gina forget to grab the flag from their boat, and John places it in first. Then Gina and Kath place their flag in as the General runs in to touch his flag. Jeff declares Rotu the winner and they celebrate, but Maraamu protests--The General wasn't their when John beat them with the flag. Jeff has to review the matter (I'm sure they looked at a playback, but that of course is not shown on camera) and determines that a) The General and John did NOT place their flag as a team before Kath and Gina did and b) they didn't bring their boat close enough to where it was chained. Maraamu wins!! :D Rotu is cruched. Awww. Turns out, those pesky little rules are important--just ask a Raiders fan about the "tuck rule." On second thought, don't.

The good people of Maraamu (my sister Jen says that the "R" must sound like a "t" or "d" in Tahitian or whatever, cuz Jeff keeps saying it like that. If so, I think they should have picked a less confusing name.) They delight in their victory and in one another and rave about how great it is to eat, blah blah blah. They lament Gabe's exit and are glad that the others don't get to eat. Nelah observes, "Jeepers creepers, Gabe was the strongest guy on our tribe when we left and he was super duper hard-working and extra extra nice--so, there must be some quarrelly stuff going on there now." This gratifies me a little, because it implies that Nelah might not walk into a merge with as naive an attitude as I fear she will. Kath belches, and the others pretend to be grossed out, but we are spared the traditional post-feast diarrhea fest we usually get after these meals--thanks CBS.

At Rotu, defeat is not going down very smoothly, especially without an ice cold Sierra Mist to wash it down. Tammy tells US, "You spend three quarters of your time here fantasizing about food so it was huge--let me reiterate HUGE when they said we lost that challenge!" General "big baby" spits that he hopes the others are puking up their feast right now--hey, not there fault you sat there in the boat instead of running with John, sulky. Chachi tells us (correctly, I hate to say), "I smoked ever-one in dat dere race. I did muh part. En dehn I gave duh key tuh dumb and dumbuh and they screwed up duh race fuh us." If I were ever faced with a situation where Rob "Chachi" Mariano could legitimately call me stupid, I think I'd have to commit ritual suicide.

So, everyone's gathering taro roots to eat and no one's happy about it. This is where John contradicts everything he said and did earlier and claims, "It wasn't a big deal to me to lose that challenge. AND, more importantly I avoided apologizing because I AM in a leadership position and I'm not gonna apologize just because we lost!" Now I was recently told by one of my superiors how much they admired our mutual boss for never apologizing when he was late for meetings. She saw it as a sign of strength on his part, where as I feel this guy just has no respect for anybody else's time. But I understand that for some leaders, apology is weakness in their mind and that this does work for some people. But what John chooses to do goes beyond not apologizing. He decides to go on and on and ON AND ON about how lucky they are not to have won the food. He just keeps reminding everyone of what they don't have in this way...almost like they should thank him for not winning. "They're sick as dogs by now, I can assure you of that," he tells Sean. Sean looks at him like, "Yeah, so? The food looked good and we haven't eaten anything decent in 17 days!" Then he tells us, very defensively, "I'm a nurse, OK? And I can tell you that I wouldn't have eaten most of that stuff anyway. Beans? cucumbers and red peppers? High gas foods, high, high, HIGH! We'd just bloat up." America says, "So? the food looked really good and you haven't had a decent meal in, like, two weeks!" He KEEPS TALKING ABOUT IT, "A few minutes of yum yum would not be worth crapping our pants for three days," he insists, as Vecepia glares at him. Tammy joins in, "We didn't come out here to eat good food, we came out here to play a game and win!" John beams at her. Was this her intent? Because we know Tammy WAS bitterly disappointed that they didn't win. I think she may have just wanted to a) cement her position to John, at least for the time being b) stop everyone from talking about food altogether and c) undo some of the deep psychological damage John was inflicting on them by obsessing over the food situation. But John continues the insanity, boasting about his latest concoction of seafood, coconut and taro. Again, he not only refuses to take any responsibility for losing the challenge, now he wants them to praise him for his culinary skill. King John is a terrifying combination of Richard Hatch, Lex AND Keith. The smugglies all sing his tune, gushing about how full they are, "This tired mish mash of slug guts and roots is simply divine, John. Losing RULES!" In my mind, Tammy, Zoe and the General are all shining on John to further themselves in the game because I have to like SOMEBODY, okay? Sean gets off another winner when he tells us, "I'd still rather be eating some of that chicken. John keeps telling us we'd be crapping our pants--so? What more do we have out here besides nature and opportunity." Word.

At Maraamu, Nelah reads aloud from a truly sappy and lame poem that Gabe wrote for Pappy. Gina reveals to us that Pappy has said that if he had had a son, he'd want him to be like Gabe. He gets all weepy and has to excuse himself. Pappy tells us that he still loves old Rotu, but things are different now. Everyone sits around the campfire eulogizing Gabriel. Then morning comes and it's another round of "we all love love love each other!" Kath does Chi Gon, which looks a lot like Tai Chi, if you ask me. Kath privately frets over Gina's jumping ahead of her in Nelah and Pappy's affections.

At Rotu, Chachi rants, "As soon as dey voted out Gabe, I knew dey had an alliance!" Oh, brilliant deduction, Sherlock old boy! "I wanted tuh see dem lie to my face!" He goes to Zoe, "So, youse four got an alliance, right?" Zoe calmly assures him, "We have friendship but...what was that strange word you used...alliance? No." He tells us with that badly-concealed smirk, "Ah knew she was lyin' tuh me. I cud jus' tell." Well, why the hell would she tell you the truth? I hate these people--Lex was the same way. Rob boasts about HIS lying to everyone, but then resents the hell out of anyone who plays the game exactly the same way he does. Grow up already. Then Chachi goes off on the utterly unflappable Zoe, who smiles serenely as he says, "Don' look at me, en say you're a hun'red puhcent honest and then stab me in duh back, cuz game or no game, ah wohn forget it, you know what I'm sayin'?" Zoe seems tickled at the very idea of her being afraid, let alone concerned with hurting Rob's feelings or incurring his "wrath." "I know what you're saying," she assures him, cool as a gassy cucumber. "I don' trust Zoe, I don' trust nobody at this point, 'cept myself!" He declares. Er...good luck with that.

Chachi is unsatisfied with that exchange, so he calls John over to where he, Sean and V are sitting. "Yur tellin' me right now you don' have an alliance?" and John says, "Duh, of course we do, where've you been? We have an alliance and so do you guys--ours is just bigger and more powerful and more masterfully led." Chachi, like he's Perry Mason and just caught a witness in a lie cries, "Ah HAH! Zoe told me not tree minutes ago deht youse guys wasn't in an alliance!!" Zoe scowls as she does some chores. John covers, plausibly I thought, "Maybe she's not thinking that way. Hey, have I bullbleeped you so far?" Rob replies, "AY, Jaahn, do I got 'stoopid' tattooed on my forehead?" No, but I'm sure you have something stupid tattooed somewhere. John reiterates that maybe Zoe doesn't think of their foursome as an actual alliance (again, it just cracks me up that in Survivor's fourth incarnation, people still get *offended* at the very idea of alliances), but he certainly does. Chachi says, "Ah appreciate yur honesty, tanks!" **Loud Kissing Noise** ;)

King John turns the tables on Chachi and reminds him, "When I stupidly told you about how we were gonna prematurely oust Gabe while leaving you here to cause trouble, didn't you try to come up with a scenario to get rid of me?" Rob lies and says that John wasn't the one they'd try to get rid of. It's an obvious lie but he promises Rob and Sean that he will move to eliminate the returning Rotuans before he'd get rid of any of them--which is so FREAKING stupid I can't hardly believe it. More on that later. "Problem is, " John giggles, "I just don't trust you!" Vecepia, true to her word, has left the conversation in order to remain Drama Free. She is seen in the background talking to Tammy....about...what, I wonder? Rob swears (yeah, right) to John that he would never DREAM of swinging to the other tribe, which we know is a lie and John...has to know to, right? John says, rather desperately, "Just don't f*** me, okay?" The boys all shake hands (Sean was there, but the only times he talked he was interrupting, so I didn't here anything he said). Rob gloats, "Tuday ah co'vinced him dat ahm paaht uh duh team. Ah want him tuh trus me, but he shoodunt," all with that contemptible smirk. If I had to make a choice at gunpoint, I guess I hate Chachi more than John. Fractionally, but it's there. As the boys break up there little meeting, Chachi can't resist throwing in what he seems to feel is a brilliant last remark, "Hey, are you gay, dude?" John should have just shrugged and said, "No kidding," but instead he first says he doesn't want to discuss it, then, when Chachi says, "Oh, yuh don' wanna talk about it?" John says, "Yeah, I am," then calls Rob a "sh**head" in a playful way, like "Oh, Chachi, you little scamp," but you can tell John feels belittled which was Chachi's intention. Both men seem to feel that John's being gay was a secret before this conversation, which is just sad. John spins it like he wasn't thrown at all, "It was very passive aggressive of Rob, but, I'm 36 years old and I've been out for a long time. Rob didn't hurt me at all and you know what? This gay boy from Omaha is kicking that sh**head's ass all over this damned beach, ya here me?!" John cusses a lot. I think Rob may have brought up the gay thing because he fearfully misinterpreted John's intentions when he said, "Don't f*** me!" I think Chachi's one of those delusional straight guys that assume that, like all women, all gay men must *want* them.

Chachi goes fishing and tells us that he knows that his survival is dependent on their winning immunity next time. Then he says something that totally confused me. He claims he MUST take part in the next challenge, "...because I sat out yesterday." But...he took part in the last two challenges we saw! He ran in the last reward challenge, and he helped build the Fat Albert S.O.S. sign. ZUH?? Are there challenges we don't see? Am I missing something??

Meanwhile, John tells the other smugglies that it'd be okay if they were to throw the immunity challenge and lose so that they could eliminate Chachi post haste. I actually agree with John here, I mean, I don't think "giving it your all" is a moral imperative in a game, unless you're, say, Pete Rose, and you've put a c-note on the Pittsburgh Pirates. Anyway, Tammy is aghast and says she can't not try to win. John says, "Just don't try super hard!" John frets to us, "Rob is DANGEROUS! We HAVE to get rid of him!" Well, woulda coulda shoulda, ya sh**head.

The immunity challenge turns out to be one that would be difficult for one person to throw if there other teammates wanted to win. Four people are tied together, they must negotiate a maze while collecting some ladder planks, in sequence, and then climb the ladder and place their flag atop a scaffold. So, to throw this, Tammy would have to...what, fall? It's not even close. Kath decides she's leader, then OF COURSE, she gets her tribe lost and can't remember where they were before, and she berates everyone for not going fast enough. Chachi leads his team to victory and himself into the merge (presumably). Way to go, Kath :(

Then we have this sad little charade at Maraamu, where Gina tells us she thinks she has a real chance of staying, that the old tribal lines don't matter. Kath is moderately worried. Nelah is *tortured* "Gosh, they're both so nice!" Kath and Gina fuss over their failed fire, which Kath has doused with sand...in an effort to stoke it. Hokay. I grew up 30 dry miles from the ocean but that doesn't sound right to me. It sure as heck doesn't sound right to Gina, an ocean-familiar Floridian, "We always put sand on our fires when we wanted to put them out, Kath." Gina voices her frustration to Pappy and Nelah, who agree that Kath is stubborn and wrong. So, Kath loses the challenge, kills their campfire, and is irritating. And, despite my earlier prediction that Paschal and Nelah would just never turn on Kath, they're too nice, I actually had some hope for plucky Gina. Alas, it was not to be.

Tribal Council, and everyone keeps saying how much they all love love love one another, and gosh golly, they're a family and if they didn't have to vote someone out here, they'd go in to the merge a united four! Jeff seems to know that Gina is going and, in perhaps the most biased thing he's ever done, actually says, "Kath, you were dragging these guys around like a bunch of school kids who didn't want to get up out of bed," and she apologizes, saying she feels she let everyone down a little--but, gosh darn it, they forgave her. They're a family. My sister insists that Pappy and Nelah like being bossed around, and are psychologically dependent on her.

Gina goes down 3-1. She voted for Kath. The ONLY upside to losing Gina pre-merge is she goes out with no help from the piggies. That would just be terrible.

But, here's the "More about that." Last season, Tom, Lex, Old Kim and Ethan benefited greatly from being split up. They were able to build useful relationships with the other tribe, and they weren't seen as a foursome too early. It seems like the smuggly alliance will be obvious, especially with Chachi and Sean and V to tell them all about it.

This isn't a 7 to 3 merge. It's a 4-3-3 merge. 3+3=6, and 3+2= 5 and hey, 3+1=4 and the possibility of a tie break. Pappy, Nelah and Kath could decide to join together with Sean, Rob and V just once, to make it 3-3-3 and REALLY interesting. There are so many possibilities my head is spinning.

Seems to me, John is going to hang himself no matter what next week. He's come on too strong too fast. He has promised loyalty to Chachi and Sean and V but they don't believe it. If John sides with old Rotu, to oust Rob (like he should) they're still going to be aware that they are being expected to follow orders, and they'll know that John--the leader!--was the one who spearheaded the attack on Gabe. If John STUPIDLY tries to honor his egregiously moronic vow to Chachi and Sean to vote out the others first, then he engineers his own downfall. Because if Kath is voted out next week, Pappy and Nelah will know just how much things have changed, and they can still team with V, Sean and Rob who will GLADLY help them oust John. I honestly can't begin to predict what's gonna happen--I'm even more suspicious of the alleged merge since the preview in which Jeff tells us, "The two tribes merge into one." Why would they tell us that, I keep wondering. Next week could very well be nuts. As Chachi says in the preview, "It's ON!"

Peace, Christine :)

Survivor 4.5 "It's not whether you win or lose..."

It's not whether you win or lose, it's IF you play the game. Gabe is ousted in a truly stunning episode that made me mad, scared but ultimately exhilarated. I spent the entire show screaming at John for being such an idiot, but wound up being fairly pleased by the end of this masterfully-edited hour of reality heaven. Don't worry kids, there'll be time enough for me to hate John once Chachi and Sean are dismissed...

Morning at New Rotu. Tammy does some push-ups. Chachi complains, "Tree days aguh, we switched. Not really happy about it. Ovuh dere I hed evuhting unduh control. En here, it's five tuh tree." Chachi, like Lindsey and Co. in Africa, thinks that controlling who leaves is what the game is ultimately about. It's hard to imagine him merging with old Rotu with 4, 3 or very plausibly two people (He and Sarah??) and facing better odds than he has now. He was doomed by failure very early on. And, just like Frank and T-Bird in Africa, Gina is NOT an ally--he made certain of that.

John offers Chachi some sort of drinkable food, which he spits out saying, "Pretty gross, huh?" Tammy frowns. Zoe drinks the same concoction and declares it, "Nectar of the gods!" and gives her compliments to chef John. Nearby, Sean is, in Peter's words "chilling." Despite the political blunder we've just seen him make, Rob thinks Sean's next to go, "Sean's lyon around, not trine tuh fit in. Ahm ohmost positive he's next tuh go. It's a toss up between me and V--it'll probly be me next cuz she's bettuh at ***Loud Kissing Noise***," Then Chachi grins, so amused with himself and adds, "Yuh know what I'm sayin?" We cut to Vecepia doing what any logical and intelligent person would do in this situation, not just for survival, but to make the next few days or even weeks go by pleasantly--she's pitching in, doing her part and making friends. Yeah, Rob, we know what your sayin'. We also know that V's probably gonna be around longer than you.

Rob insists he wants to make friends in order to form some sort of alliance. Then we get this exchange: Chachi to Gabe, Tammy & the General: "So, duh you considuh us Rotu? Or are the old Rotu still gonna be Rotu when they come back?" Tammy: "You're Rotu for the moment--that's all that matters right now." The General,"It's hahd tuh say. You're Rotu Now...They used to be Rotu...They might be Rotu laytuh...wait, what was duh question?" Gabe (inexplicably): "I feel EXACTLY the same way. WE are Rotu! WE ARE ROTU! Right Now!" Tammy: "By the way, How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" The General: "A woodchuck would chuck a lotta wood, if a woodchuck could chuck wood!"

Later, an indignant Gabe complains to us, "I don't care what the casting people, Survivor producers, CBS executives and Jeff Probst kept telling me, there WAS NO GAME before this switch. Those Moronmu people brought it with them! Even though we have specifically been told numerous times by various people that this is a game in which we vote one another off in order to become the ultimate Survivor, and thousands of people who knew and understood that were rejected while I was chosen to come here, I never wanted to play this so-called game that has been viewed by millions of people in dozens of countries! I came here, on CBS' dime, to see if I could build a society with seven strangers. True, it would be a rapidly-dwindling society, and it would only last a little over a month, but that was nevertheless my DREAM! And it worked! For a glorious week and a half it worked! But now my initial wonderful experience has been turned around by Rob Mariano and all his talk of "alliances" and "votes" and something he likes to call "Tribal council''--I've never seen it, I think it's a myth. Something Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett have invented in order to scare us from straying to far from camp!" Then, he and The General, Tammy & John discuss Maraamu, Tammy: "Jeepers, it sounds like their tribe has been hella different from our idyllic wonderland of peace and virtue!" John,"Indeed, good woman. Especially as they started LYING to one another. My stars! What a development!" Tammy and The General, "Heavens to Betsy, we shan't ever lie!" John nods his approval, "Righto, stick to your ethics, I always say!" Then Gabe, who's sulkily carving out a gourd wonders, in that condescending tone you might recognize from a former teacher who thought he was "challenging," 'And just what ARE the ethics in this game?" "Be honest," John says quickly and Gabe shakes his head and disagrees. John is aghast, "Wait...back the frick up...you aren't *actually* suggesting that you might (gulp) LIE in order to win this game are you?" Gabe is not to be distracted from his precious gourd as he clarifies, "Oh I'm not here to play a game. I'm here for that eight person game-show society we had and now it's gone," he whimpers, "Now kindly allow me to carve out his drinking gourd in peace!" The others look at Gabe as though they've just realized he's a total freak. John insists, "You are playing the game, Gabe. "Not playing the Game" is your strategy for playing the game." "I know you are, but what am I!" "PLAYING THE GAME!" "No Way!" "WAY!" John tells us, "If he wanted to join some 60's commune, he went to the wrong end of California. Instead of auditioning for Survivor down in Hollywood he should be up in Humboldt making his own toothpaste. The game has started and if he isn't playing, I'll deal with him accordingly." Word. Again, YES, John hella bugs. But right now, he's pro-Survivor and anti-Chachi so I'm rooting for him.

Cut to: New Camp Happiness. Nelah, Paschal, Kathy and Gina open the day in prayer, instead of with the Pretend Radio Show game. Gina says, "Now that Sarah is gone, we're a real tribe and I'm at peace. Nelah says, "New Maraamu Rules" Paschal says, "This is just like living in a small town." They all predict victory in the coming days, and go out on a group crab kill to bond even further. Kath says, "We pocketed, like, 12 big crabs--mine were the biggest. I'm really good at catching them, probably because I grew up near the ocean." The gang pulverizes the crab and has a feast. It looks gross, but it smells like...victory. Ala Jim Fassel, Paschal guarantees a win in the next challenge.

Reward challenge time. Ron gulps hard when he realizes Sarah's gone--no nookie, even if he survives into the merge. Jeff continues to wear blue, because he know how much I like it. He also *appeared* to be wearing a Survivor Africa hat. Hmmmm. Has anyone else noticed the lack of product placement? They made such a big deal about how these contestants (yes, Gabriel, contestants) had to find there own food so we've yet to hear a whisper about the once ubiquitous about Bud Light or Doritos.

The Challenge is complicated. One person is a caller. they yell instructions to three blindfolded contestants, who must find 12 totem pole pieces, bring them back to camp and then, once all the pieces have been found, they assemble them correctly. The winners get to raid the other team's camp--the most fiendishly demoralizing challenge EVER! :D Chachi, V and Sean sit out AGAIN, so the "can't sit out two challenges in a row" rule must either mean...in the same day? Or maybe, two challenges of the same type, i.e. you can't sit out two immunity challenges in a row. I don't get it, if anyone knows for sure, please let me know. Gabe and Kath are callers. I thought making Kath caller was going to be a huge mistake (ala making the annoying Jerri caller in one of Ogakor's many losses) but it turns out, you need someone loud and comfortable at bossing people in this situation :) She does great, while Gabe seems to frustrate his team--especially john. Rob snickers at his own team's misfortune--guess you answered your own question about being in Rotu, eh Chachi? At Long Last, Maraamu wins!!! Jeff keeps confounding me--I swear, he keeps saying MaTAHaamu but the flag clearly says MaRAAmu!

Everyone gets a boat ride to Rotu. Jeff explains the rules (gee, almost like it's a game, Gabe) to the marauders, who must leave one knife, one cookingpot, one water container and the magnifying glass. They can't take any luxary items (dang, Chachi's football would be soooo useful). They have a short time to do it, and CBS plays some fun "game show" kind of music for this "Survivor-market Sweep." They take everything that Rotu has won in the previous challenges--lanterns, fishing gear, blankets etc. while Rotu has to stand there and watch--of course, Gabe looks especially hurt and disappointed in his fellow men. When they leave, Chachi taunts them by pointing out the *one* thing, a frying pan, that they left behind. The utterly cut-throat Kath, laded with everything Rotu owns grumbles, "We shoulda took their frying pan!"

Rotu is laid low, but Vecepia thinks this will help bond them as one tribe, "Now we can strengthen in this time of adversity. Before, I think we were still a little like three and five, but this will make us a true 8 person tribe!" Vecepia has officially had her passport stamped in Gabeland. When Sean compliments Gabe on finding taro and bumps fist with him, Gabe smiles, "At least Sean cares about team spirit!"

Meanwhile, par-TAY at Maraamu! CBS cues some Luau music as Kathy gloats that her former tribesmen can taste defeat for themselves. The group took the Rotu cutting board emblazoned with their tribe name. Nelah says, "It was super neat to win, especially because Gina got to win for the very first time!"

At Rotu, VanillaGabe does a truly loathsome white-boy rap to the (no-doubt feigned) delight of Vecepia, Sean and Chachi. Or maybe their just glad that someone here will play Pretend Radio Show with them. A defiant Gabe tells us, "I love our new members! Love them! This is Rotu! This! These eight people!" The rest of the tribe joins Vanilla Gabe except for John, who stews over the stew, "Gabe is spending waaaay to much time with the new people. I thought it was obvious that we'd just vote then out one by one and Gabe seemed smart enough to go along with this. I'll ask him about it and if he says we're sticking to that logical plan, I'll be cool with him."

Tammy and John confront Gabe, who denies ever saying he'd vote out the Moron's in turn, "I'm not going to anything even REMOTELY "game" related!' John:"You're gonna play the game how you see f---" "I'm NOT PLAYING THE GAME" "Are too!" "Am Not" "Are!" "Aren't" "Yuh Huh!" "NUH UH!" Tammy forces them all into a group hug in order to shut them up, but the damage has been done. John decide that Gabe is dead to him. He then decides to canvas his tribe for votes in order to oust Gabe. THe General assures John that he won't vote out John and they bump fists in what is apparently the Rotu way when John returns the promise. Then he goes to far by gushing, "No REALLY, Rob, I MEAN what I say, really truly and honestly I swear!" The General looks embarrassed for John, "Yeah, man, I believed ya the first time." Zoe agrees to the aim of she, John, Tammy & the General as a Final Four. Tammy is in too, and John agrees to seal his promise to her in blood, but Kath isn't there to pee on it, so why risk it? Then he swears on his mother's life--Lex would love this guy. Anyone who is this certain he WON'T be believed, shouldn't be trusted if you ask me. Anyway, John is determined that Gabe is next to go. I agree to getting rid of Gabe SOON, but why not try for Rob first? Yes, Gabe is making friends, but he HAS to vote for SOMEONE, and it seems obvious that he wouldn't choose any of old Rotu to go in Rob or Sean's place. Sigh.

Gina, Nelah and Kath go to get the mail. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak by rooting for these guys long term? The immunity challenge will be an SOS signal to be seen from a passing boat. I predicted doom for the bunch, thinking that they wouldn't do two "unphysical" contests in a row. The girls happily brainstorm on the way to camp, confident. They have all the supplies, having just raided Rotu of what they might have used, hee hee. "We can DO this," they delight. "Yes, YOU CAN!!" I cheer at home :D On a personal note, Nelah joins my younger sister as the only people I know who say "pellow" instead of "pillow."

It ONLY gets better, as we learn that Sean, Rob, V and Zoe must make the signal with no help from the others. Gee, Chachi, seems Hunter might have been helpful here. The General wins this week's understatement prize when he observes, "I don' think we got our most creative people making this thing." Ya think? Vecepia leads them in a bizarre prayer in which she tells God that no one form Rotu is being voted out tonight. Why don't you ask Him to bless your Lotto numbers while you're at it. Sean gets my sincere props for referring to their sorry looking signal as the "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids S.O.S. sign." Hey, hey, hey! :)

Meanwhile, john decides he HAS to get one of the newbies on his side in order to avoid the possibility of Gabe getting all the newbies to vote HIM out--a possibility which *only* becomes plausible once John enlists Sean to help him vote out Gabe. Sigh. Why he picks Sean, who the frick knows. He pulls him aside for a little talk RIGHT in front of Chachi and V, who are *obviously* going to wonder what's going on, and tells Sean to play it cool, vote out Gabe, and get that much closer to the merge. John assures Sean that he's being sincere and Sean says, "Uh huh," and John says, "No, REALLY, I'll never ever ever lie EVER!" Which of course, just makes him sound like he's lying. Sean tells us, "I think that was a mistake on John's part. If you're gonna vote for Gabe, vote for Gabe! Don't tell me! Let me worry that I'm next, or Rob or V! Now we have the upper hand!" Sean talking so much sense is truly frightening--but even a broken clock is right twice a day. I'll credit this particular boat of logic to God: besides her arrogant statements, Vecepia DID pray for wisdom. Sean and Rob don't look very wise, lounging with their sock pulled up to their knees like old men--maybe it's for bug protection. Puppetmaster Chachi realizes they have a shot to get Gabe on their side and go into the vote with a 4-4 tie.

The boat comes. The captain is sooooo negative about Rotu's crap signal, it's almost a foregone conclusion that Maraamu will win. It seemed like Jeff kept trying to steer the Captain away from raving about how the American Flag drew his attention instead of the actual signal. No matter, Maraamu wins! GINA WINS IMMUNITY!! :D They swim out to get the immunity idol and hoist it high above their heads. Kids, that thing's worth, like $500,000 on Ebay in May, I swear.

Rotu hears the horn sound for Maraamu. Zoe comforts Vecepia, "We did the best we could. You prayed--God must be mad you, that's all." She knows she ain't going home tonight. John tells Chachi that they're voting out Gabe. then, they hope to win the next challenge and make the merge. Then they'll vote out New Maraamu (is he serious??) first, before Rob, Sean and V. Rob, apparantly not SO bad at *Loud Kissing Noise,* if ya know what I'm sayin' tells John, "Tanks, Jahn. We really appreciate your includin' us, sir. And may I also say, dehts uh really cool shell necklace ya got dere." He tells us he doesn't trust John and will now go to recruit Gabe--who now must vote against John if he wants to defend himself! John is reminiscent of Lex in more ways then one--to quote the Kinks, "paranoia, they destroy ya!"

I'd also like to go on record as saying that, telling the whole truth on Survivor is stupid. If you have a moral objection to that, you shouldn't go on the show. I wouldn't be able to LIE and say, "You and me are an alliance!" and then sell that person out, but I certainly wouldn't feel there was any morality involved in *not telling* someone that they were about to be ousted. It's a game. I don't show people my hand when I playing cards, either.

Chachi is lying about in a tent (I'm sure he thinks he looks like a Mafioso here), and he calls Gabe in for a meeting so that he can: Make Him An Offer He Can't Understand. This is LITERALLY what he says, "Ahm not hun'red puhcent shah how ahm gonna vote. If Howehvuh, YOU ahn't eiduh, maybe we kin shake up a new twist. If yuh cool, ready tuh go if it's yuh turn, dehn...whatevuh, I got no ahgument. Jus' do me uh favoh an' don' discuss dis wit anyone else." Gabe couldn't if he TRIED. If that was REALLY Rob's best stab at recruiting Gabe, it's no wonder he missed entirely. Gabe tells us, "It's probably me going tonight. There's only so far you can go in a game that you utterly refuse to play or even acknowledge exists." John watches suspiciously as Chachi and Gabe toss the football around. Ah, John, it's lonely at the top.

John muses, "Maybe it was stupid to tell the new people the plan and thus allow them to alert Gabe. Hey, it's win I eliminate Gabe, then *obviously* I'm the all-time mastermind in the History of Survivor! If not, I'm eating good back at the hotel!"

Is there anything more pathetic than an ultra-competitive person who has to assure you that they *don't really care* about the outcome of something, just in case you beat them? John goes on, "I think of all the votes in this whole game so far, this one is the most pivotal." Well, John, it is the first one to actually involve you, so I can see where you might think that. I was wrong earlier. There IS time enough NOW to hate John as well as the piggies.

Tribal Council. Jeff has to explain the torch procedure *yet again* and doesn't even bother to explain how fire represents life, "Ask Sean!" He snaps. He opens the vote with a taunt, "Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Two losses in row for the once unbreakable Rotu--how's the mood in camp?" Tammy blows him off and says they were bound to lose eventually. Then he asks Zoe if there's anyone in camp who always lightens the mood. She smiles, "Definitely Gabriel. He has this little giggle that always makes us happy...I'm sure gonna miss that." When Jeff asks Gabe if he trusts these people, Gabe certainly seals his fate when he pouts, "NO! Trust is fleeting! I thought we were a real family, but then it turned out that everyone else here is playing some sort of...televised game where only one person is left to claim a million dollar prize! It's really quite disgusting." Then Jeff asks the jack of all trades--Nurse, Chef and King John if he's the leader. The PC thing to do in Survivor country is demur, but John announces, "Yes, I may not be everyone's textbook type of leader, but I've stepped up! I have definate leadership abilities." Sean's eye's bug out in shock and I totally agree--what an ass. See? Sean has been right TWICE in one day, just like I said. God is good. Jeff is shocked too, and says, "Er...John, did you just admit that you're a front runner in this thing?" "Yep, In the words of the great Gloria Estefan, I'm Coming Out of the Dark!" Jeff's last question is for Chachi who says that his voting criteria is always what's in his best interests, and he thinks that everyone's looking out for "numbuh one." What does Will Riker have to do with any of this? A shout out to you, if you got that, Trek homies!

The vote is a massacre. Gabe is ousted 7-1. He did not, however, vote for John, he voted for Chachi. I'm not sorry to see Gabe go, but wish John had gone Lex a little later in the game. Gabe joins the forgettable Dirk, the regrettable Kimmi and the unforgettably evil Silas as 5th person voted out of Survivor. The impeding merge (we...think) is becoming more and more interesting. If John, Zoe, Tammy and the General are truly a foursome, and Nelah, Kath and Paschal get wind of it...they could unite with Gina and V etc. Since you are undoubtedly reading this after the "next episode" airs (yes, because I'm lame) I feel silly speculating, but I really hope Sean or Rob is out. Gina's departure will break my heart. My review of episode 6 will be along soon--but you're just gonna have to take me at my word because I'm not swearing on my mom's life ;)

Peace, Christine