Survivor 4.6 "Nature and Opportunity..."

I'm gonna start this review with a story that may not at first seem relevant, but it is, so trust me. Back when I was a mere young twentysomething, I must confess I watched "Beverly Hills 90210" quite religiously. It was a big deal when I was in college and I remember racing back to my dorm from a night class I had and hearing the theme music on the wind, pouring from every window. There were two characters who sang--very VERY badly. One was a character named "Ray" who was this working class angsty dud of a dude whose raspy voice made my roommate and I cringe. The other was a character named "David," a rich white kid who rapped--on the positive tip, yo yo! It was dreadful to the point of being embarrassing. Once I graduated, I still watched and my former roommate, Heather, and I used to call one another whenever one of these two sang. If David was doing his drippy hip hop, she'd call and say, "David is really much worse than Ray." And then in the next episode Ray would "sing" and I'd have to call her and say, "No, David is better, Ray is way worse." The only way that one of them seemed better was when they weren't the one performing.

That's what comes to mind whenever Chachi or King John are on camera. Whichever one isn't talking seems to benefit and I find myself rooting for the one to oust the other. And Sean has risen in my esteem with his humor. Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten who he is, but sadly it's come to this: he's the lesser of three evils.

The show starts with some new material in the "previously on Survivor" segment, Chachi votes for Gabe like everyone else but tells John (???) that he knows what's going on and that it's now his mission to eliminate him first chance he gets. Why they didn't just show this is beyond me. Some idiot executive types have decided that the vote has to be a total surprise to the audience until the very moment that Jeff says, "The fifth person voted off the island is..." when it would be much more interesting for us to hear what some of these people have to say. So what if we realize the outcome TWO MINUTES before 9pm?

In the aftermath of Gabe's departure, King John, Tammy and Zoe and the General are pretty happy with their little power base and are plotting at the waterfall. They think they can be the final four. Since this was once the snuggly happy family tribe, I'm going to dub this arrogant foursome "the Smugglies." John tells us, "We feel pretty confident that we're in control of this game," which IMHO is like daring Mark Burnett to throw another wrinkle into the game. Personally, I think there's almost no way for the smugglies NOT to screw themselves next episode, but more on that later. John tells his group, "If we do this right, the winner will come out of this group. I've been *waiting* to lose one so that we could get rid of Gabe." Now this is a DIRECT contradiction of John's words and behavior in the previous show. Gabe's problem was that he didn't assure them enough that he would vote out the piggies in turn (even though he did vote for Rob). John told us that if Gabe told him they'd vote out Rob, Sean and V before they voted out old Rotu, that things would be square with him. Only now is he revising history to say that he ALWAYS wanted to get rid of Gabe first.

John goes on to boast to us, "My leadership has emerged. Ever since Gabe has been gone (12 hours??) everyone knows I am the leader, the nurse, the chef, the doctor, the lawyer, the Indian chief. Everyone knows I am the one running the show." Then he tells the other Smugglies, "We're up 4-3, so lets focus on winning the reward challenge and not worry so much about immunity. The reward challenge is definitely more important." Remember that, because he's gonna contradict himself later:) The General tells us, "John has appointed himse;f as the "power guy" or whatever, that's fine. He can take all the heat and be the target and I'll just lay low." One gets the impression that that's what everyone's doing in the Smuggly group, but it's hard to say--I still haven't a really strong idea of who Zoe or Tammy are. What's their deal? Then John, standing underneath the waterfall decides to take of his shorts and jump off the rock naked, "Maybe it's my new tribal baptism as Grand Sultan of All Survivor, but I decided to go skinny dipping." Maybe you're just an idiot, John. The General and Zoe are merely mildly amused by John's brief nudity and Tammy barely glances over her shoulder before going back to chilling in the pond, but John insists, "Beholding my naked body was really a powerful moment for all of us, and it symbolized how close we are. I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that in front of the others." Er, lucky them.

Cut to: the follicley challenged Chachi and Sean. Sean tells Sean that their only hope is to win immunity and then bond with whoever comes over from Maraamu. He tells us, "Losin' Gabe put us at a disa'vanage," Well, Rob a) you helped and b) If Gabe didn't go IT WOULD HAVE BEEN YOU or Sean. Seems like it helped you immensely as you're still remarkably here. Then they complain about V, who is swimming in the ocean. Sean says, "I don't know what she's doing, but she's definitely disassociating herself fro us in a clear and visible manner!" Uh...yeah...that's what she's doing, distancing herself from you, get it?? ROb tells us, "V's pissin' me off cuz it's so ovious what she's doin. I don' trust V," Then he adds, to demonstrate his evil genius, "I NEVER truss-ed V." Then he tries to suppress a smile because he's always so danged amused by himself, which severely undercuts his attempts to seem like a bad ass. Rob loves talking to the camera as much as Keith did. Rob reiterates that his main goal is to eliminate John at all costs.

Meanwhile, Maraamu gets even closer by going on a group crab hunt. There's plenty of food and plenty of love amongst the three women and Pappy, who says that despite their physical prowess, they still have a chance to win challenges because of their spirit and Kath agrees, "At first I thought that three chicks and an old geezer would make us a bunch of losers but I've been rather pleasantly surprised." Then she tells us that at Rotu, they only ate dinner--here they have breakfast lunch and dinner. But what about second breakfast?? Just a little Lord of the Rings humor for ya there :)...The good people of Maraamu guess correctly that old Rotu will be more concerned about winning the reward than winning immunity but are incorrect in their logical assumption that either Sean or Rob is no longer there. Nelah thinks Rob is gone, the other (interestingly) all think Sean. "We'll all be STUNNED if a member of the Rotu Love Joy and Happiness Family Tribe was voted out," they all insist.

The Smugglies go get the mail--anyone else think that they're stupid idiots to be spending this much time as a foursome? More on that later (I know, I know, but it's my wrap up).

This challenge, it's time for a race
Your quickness determines your place
If you beat the rest
Then you'll have a fest
Some food to shove in your face

John literally hops up and down with glee and squeals, "It's gonna be food, it's gonna be food!" Remember that, because he's going to contradict it later. The idea of the three ladies and Pappy beating them in a race is quite preposterous to the Smugglies, who are supremely confident.

The groups meet Jeff at the Reward Beach, I hate how they all hang all over one another, it's so fake. You're *united*, we get it. Maraamu is shaken AND stirred to see Gabe was eliminated, but there's no time for tears. Jeff explains the race--two members race on foot, untying two paddles along the way and smashing open some coconuts to find a key that unlocks a boat. Two other members paddle out to get a flag, paddle back in to where the boat was originally chained and run in to place the flag on a podium--both members of the running team must stay together, and the boaters must both put the flag in the podium together. Ask and ye shall receive, here comes the product placement, though it's only "Sierra Mist," a lemon-lime that must me so much more refreshing than the sickly sweet Mountain Dew of years past. Doritos don't get an invite this time though, just chicken, quiche, salad, cookies and cakes. It's all politics, Doritos, hold your head up. Everyone is thrilled at the prospect.

Paschal and Rob run the first leg, and Chachi kicks his butt. Rob and Zoe continue the domination when Nelah joins Pappy. But then, King John and the General have problems. They can't seem to move forward, and John keeps sniping at Big Rob to let him paddle while the General steers. This allows Gina and Kath to gain ground--or water, I should say, on the bickering pair. Both boats reach shore at almost the same time, but Kath and Gina forget to grab the flag from their boat, and John places it in first. Then Gina and Kath place their flag in as the General runs in to touch his flag. Jeff declares Rotu the winner and they celebrate, but Maraamu protests--The General wasn't their when John beat them with the flag. Jeff has to review the matter (I'm sure they looked at a playback, but that of course is not shown on camera) and determines that a) The General and John did NOT place their flag as a team before Kath and Gina did and b) they didn't bring their boat close enough to where it was chained. Maraamu wins!! :D Rotu is cruched. Awww. Turns out, those pesky little rules are important--just ask a Raiders fan about the "tuck rule." On second thought, don't.

The good people of Maraamu (my sister Jen says that the "R" must sound like a "t" or "d" in Tahitian or whatever, cuz Jeff keeps saying it like that. If so, I think they should have picked a less confusing name.) They delight in their victory and in one another and rave about how great it is to eat, blah blah blah. They lament Gabe's exit and are glad that the others don't get to eat. Nelah observes, "Jeepers creepers, Gabe was the strongest guy on our tribe when we left and he was super duper hard-working and extra extra nice--so, there must be some quarrelly stuff going on there now." This gratifies me a little, because it implies that Nelah might not walk into a merge with as naive an attitude as I fear she will. Kath belches, and the others pretend to be grossed out, but we are spared the traditional post-feast diarrhea fest we usually get after these meals--thanks CBS.

At Rotu, defeat is not going down very smoothly, especially without an ice cold Sierra Mist to wash it down. Tammy tells US, "You spend three quarters of your time here fantasizing about food so it was huge--let me reiterate HUGE when they said we lost that challenge!" General "big baby" spits that he hopes the others are puking up their feast right now--hey, not there fault you sat there in the boat instead of running with John, sulky. Chachi tells us (correctly, I hate to say), "I smoked ever-one in dat dere race. I did muh part. En dehn I gave duh key tuh dumb and dumbuh and they screwed up duh race fuh us." If I were ever faced with a situation where Rob "Chachi" Mariano could legitimately call me stupid, I think I'd have to commit ritual suicide.

So, everyone's gathering taro roots to eat and no one's happy about it. This is where John contradicts everything he said and did earlier and claims, "It wasn't a big deal to me to lose that challenge. AND, more importantly I avoided apologizing because I AM in a leadership position and I'm not gonna apologize just because we lost!" Now I was recently told by one of my superiors how much they admired our mutual boss for never apologizing when he was late for meetings. She saw it as a sign of strength on his part, where as I feel this guy just has no respect for anybody else's time. But I understand that for some leaders, apology is weakness in their mind and that this does work for some people. But what John chooses to do goes beyond not apologizing. He decides to go on and on and ON AND ON about how lucky they are not to have won the food. He just keeps reminding everyone of what they don't have in this way...almost like they should thank him for not winning. "They're sick as dogs by now, I can assure you of that," he tells Sean. Sean looks at him like, "Yeah, so? The food looked good and we haven't eaten anything decent in 17 days!" Then he tells us, very defensively, "I'm a nurse, OK? And I can tell you that I wouldn't have eaten most of that stuff anyway. Beans? cucumbers and red peppers? High gas foods, high, high, HIGH! We'd just bloat up." America says, "So? the food looked really good and you haven't had a decent meal in, like, two weeks!" He KEEPS TALKING ABOUT IT, "A few minutes of yum yum would not be worth crapping our pants for three days," he insists, as Vecepia glares at him. Tammy joins in, "We didn't come out here to eat good food, we came out here to play a game and win!" John beams at her. Was this her intent? Because we know Tammy WAS bitterly disappointed that they didn't win. I think she may have just wanted to a) cement her position to John, at least for the time being b) stop everyone from talking about food altogether and c) undo some of the deep psychological damage John was inflicting on them by obsessing over the food situation. But John continues the insanity, boasting about his latest concoction of seafood, coconut and taro. Again, he not only refuses to take any responsibility for losing the challenge, now he wants them to praise him for his culinary skill. King John is a terrifying combination of Richard Hatch, Lex AND Keith. The smugglies all sing his tune, gushing about how full they are, "This tired mish mash of slug guts and roots is simply divine, John. Losing RULES!" In my mind, Tammy, Zoe and the General are all shining on John to further themselves in the game because I have to like SOMEBODY, okay? Sean gets off another winner when he tells us, "I'd still rather be eating some of that chicken. John keeps telling us we'd be crapping our pants--so? What more do we have out here besides nature and opportunity." Word.

At Maraamu, Nelah reads aloud from a truly sappy and lame poem that Gabe wrote for Pappy. Gina reveals to us that Pappy has said that if he had had a son, he'd want him to be like Gabe. He gets all weepy and has to excuse himself. Pappy tells us that he still loves old Rotu, but things are different now. Everyone sits around the campfire eulogizing Gabriel. Then morning comes and it's another round of "we all love love love each other!" Kath does Chi Gon, which looks a lot like Tai Chi, if you ask me. Kath privately frets over Gina's jumping ahead of her in Nelah and Pappy's affections.

At Rotu, Chachi rants, "As soon as dey voted out Gabe, I knew dey had an alliance!" Oh, brilliant deduction, Sherlock old boy! "I wanted tuh see dem lie to my face!" He goes to Zoe, "So, youse four got an alliance, right?" Zoe calmly assures him, "We have friendship but...what was that strange word you used...alliance? No." He tells us with that badly-concealed smirk, "Ah knew she was lyin' tuh me. I cud jus' tell." Well, why the hell would she tell you the truth? I hate these people--Lex was the same way. Rob boasts about HIS lying to everyone, but then resents the hell out of anyone who plays the game exactly the same way he does. Grow up already. Then Chachi goes off on the utterly unflappable Zoe, who smiles serenely as he says, "Don' look at me, en say you're a hun'red puhcent honest and then stab me in duh back, cuz game or no game, ah wohn forget it, you know what I'm sayin'?" Zoe seems tickled at the very idea of her being afraid, let alone concerned with hurting Rob's feelings or incurring his "wrath." "I know what you're saying," she assures him, cool as a gassy cucumber. "I don' trust Zoe, I don' trust nobody at this point, 'cept myself!" He declares. Er...good luck with that.

Chachi is unsatisfied with that exchange, so he calls John over to where he, Sean and V are sitting. "Yur tellin' me right now you don' have an alliance?" and John says, "Duh, of course we do, where've you been? We have an alliance and so do you guys--ours is just bigger and more powerful and more masterfully led." Chachi, like he's Perry Mason and just caught a witness in a lie cries, "Ah HAH! Zoe told me not tree minutes ago deht youse guys wasn't in an alliance!!" Zoe scowls as she does some chores. John covers, plausibly I thought, "Maybe she's not thinking that way. Hey, have I bullbleeped you so far?" Rob replies, "AY, Jaahn, do I got 'stoopid' tattooed on my forehead?" No, but I'm sure you have something stupid tattooed somewhere. John reiterates that maybe Zoe doesn't think of their foursome as an actual alliance (again, it just cracks me up that in Survivor's fourth incarnation, people still get *offended* at the very idea of alliances), but he certainly does. Chachi says, "Ah appreciate yur honesty, tanks!" **Loud Kissing Noise** ;)

King John turns the tables on Chachi and reminds him, "When I stupidly told you about how we were gonna prematurely oust Gabe while leaving you here to cause trouble, didn't you try to come up with a scenario to get rid of me?" Rob lies and says that John wasn't the one they'd try to get rid of. It's an obvious lie but he promises Rob and Sean that he will move to eliminate the returning Rotuans before he'd get rid of any of them--which is so FREAKING stupid I can't hardly believe it. More on that later. "Problem is, " John giggles, "I just don't trust you!" Vecepia, true to her word, has left the conversation in order to remain Drama Free. She is seen in the background talking to Tammy....about...what, I wonder? Rob swears (yeah, right) to John that he would never DREAM of swinging to the other tribe, which we know is a lie and John...has to know to, right? John says, rather desperately, "Just don't f*** me, okay?" The boys all shake hands (Sean was there, but the only times he talked he was interrupting, so I didn't here anything he said). Rob gloats, "Tuday ah co'vinced him dat ahm paaht uh duh team. Ah want him tuh trus me, but he shoodunt," all with that contemptible smirk. If I had to make a choice at gunpoint, I guess I hate Chachi more than John. Fractionally, but it's there. As the boys break up there little meeting, Chachi can't resist throwing in what he seems to feel is a brilliant last remark, "Hey, are you gay, dude?" John should have just shrugged and said, "No kidding," but instead he first says he doesn't want to discuss it, then, when Chachi says, "Oh, yuh don' wanna talk about it?" John says, "Yeah, I am," then calls Rob a "sh**head" in a playful way, like "Oh, Chachi, you little scamp," but you can tell John feels belittled which was Chachi's intention. Both men seem to feel that John's being gay was a secret before this conversation, which is just sad. John spins it like he wasn't thrown at all, "It was very passive aggressive of Rob, but, I'm 36 years old and I've been out for a long time. Rob didn't hurt me at all and you know what? This gay boy from Omaha is kicking that sh**head's ass all over this damned beach, ya here me?!" John cusses a lot. I think Rob may have brought up the gay thing because he fearfully misinterpreted John's intentions when he said, "Don't f*** me!" I think Chachi's one of those delusional straight guys that assume that, like all women, all gay men must *want* them.

Chachi goes fishing and tells us that he knows that his survival is dependent on their winning immunity next time. Then he says something that totally confused me. He claims he MUST take part in the next challenge, "...because I sat out yesterday." But...he took part in the last two challenges we saw! He ran in the last reward challenge, and he helped build the Fat Albert S.O.S. sign. ZUH?? Are there challenges we don't see? Am I missing something??

Meanwhile, John tells the other smugglies that it'd be okay if they were to throw the immunity challenge and lose so that they could eliminate Chachi post haste. I actually agree with John here, I mean, I don't think "giving it your all" is a moral imperative in a game, unless you're, say, Pete Rose, and you've put a c-note on the Pittsburgh Pirates. Anyway, Tammy is aghast and says she can't not try to win. John says, "Just don't try super hard!" John frets to us, "Rob is DANGEROUS! We HAVE to get rid of him!" Well, woulda coulda shoulda, ya sh**head.

The immunity challenge turns out to be one that would be difficult for one person to throw if there other teammates wanted to win. Four people are tied together, they must negotiate a maze while collecting some ladder planks, in sequence, and then climb the ladder and place their flag atop a scaffold. So, to throw this, Tammy would have to...what, fall? It's not even close. Kath decides she's leader, then OF COURSE, she gets her tribe lost and can't remember where they were before, and she berates everyone for not going fast enough. Chachi leads his team to victory and himself into the merge (presumably). Way to go, Kath :(

Then we have this sad little charade at Maraamu, where Gina tells us she thinks she has a real chance of staying, that the old tribal lines don't matter. Kath is moderately worried. Nelah is *tortured* "Gosh, they're both so nice!" Kath and Gina fuss over their failed fire, which Kath has doused with sand...in an effort to stoke it. Hokay. I grew up 30 dry miles from the ocean but that doesn't sound right to me. It sure as heck doesn't sound right to Gina, an ocean-familiar Floridian, "We always put sand on our fires when we wanted to put them out, Kath." Gina voices her frustration to Pappy and Nelah, who agree that Kath is stubborn and wrong. So, Kath loses the challenge, kills their campfire, and is irritating. And, despite my earlier prediction that Paschal and Nelah would just never turn on Kath, they're too nice, I actually had some hope for plucky Gina. Alas, it was not to be.

Tribal Council, and everyone keeps saying how much they all love love love one another, and gosh golly, they're a family and if they didn't have to vote someone out here, they'd go in to the merge a united four! Jeff seems to know that Gina is going and, in perhaps the most biased thing he's ever done, actually says, "Kath, you were dragging these guys around like a bunch of school kids who didn't want to get up out of bed," and she apologizes, saying she feels she let everyone down a little--but, gosh darn it, they forgave her. They're a family. My sister insists that Pappy and Nelah like being bossed around, and are psychologically dependent on her.

Gina goes down 3-1. She voted for Kath. The ONLY upside to losing Gina pre-merge is she goes out with no help from the piggies. That would just be terrible.

But, here's the "More about that." Last season, Tom, Lex, Old Kim and Ethan benefited greatly from being split up. They were able to build useful relationships with the other tribe, and they weren't seen as a foursome too early. It seems like the smuggly alliance will be obvious, especially with Chachi and Sean and V to tell them all about it.

This isn't a 7 to 3 merge. It's a 4-3-3 merge. 3+3=6, and 3+2= 5 and hey, 3+1=4 and the possibility of a tie break. Pappy, Nelah and Kath could decide to join together with Sean, Rob and V just once, to make it 3-3-3 and REALLY interesting. There are so many possibilities my head is spinning.

Seems to me, John is going to hang himself no matter what next week. He's come on too strong too fast. He has promised loyalty to Chachi and Sean and V but they don't believe it. If John sides with old Rotu, to oust Rob (like he should) they're still going to be aware that they are being expected to follow orders, and they'll know that John--the leader!--was the one who spearheaded the attack on Gabe. If John STUPIDLY tries to honor his egregiously moronic vow to Chachi and Sean to vote out the others first, then he engineers his own downfall. Because if Kath is voted out next week, Pappy and Nelah will know just how much things have changed, and they can still team with V, Sean and Rob who will GLADLY help them oust John. I honestly can't begin to predict what's gonna happen--I'm even more suspicious of the alleged merge since the preview in which Jeff tells us, "The two tribes merge into one." Why would they tell us that, I keep wondering. Next week could very well be nuts. As Chachi says in the preview, "It's ON!"

Peace, Christine :)