Survivor 4.5 "It's not whether you win or lose..."

It's not whether you win or lose, it's IF you play the game. Gabe is ousted in a truly stunning episode that made me mad, scared but ultimately exhilarated. I spent the entire show screaming at John for being such an idiot, but wound up being fairly pleased by the end of this masterfully-edited hour of reality heaven. Don't worry kids, there'll be time enough for me to hate John once Chachi and Sean are dismissed...

Morning at New Rotu. Tammy does some push-ups. Chachi complains, "Tree days aguh, we switched. Not really happy about it. Ovuh dere I hed evuhting unduh control. En here, it's five tuh tree." Chachi, like Lindsey and Co. in Africa, thinks that controlling who leaves is what the game is ultimately about. It's hard to imagine him merging with old Rotu with 4, 3 or very plausibly two people (He and Sarah??) and facing better odds than he has now. He was doomed by failure very early on. And, just like Frank and T-Bird in Africa, Gina is NOT an ally--he made certain of that.

John offers Chachi some sort of drinkable food, which he spits out saying, "Pretty gross, huh?" Tammy frowns. Zoe drinks the same concoction and declares it, "Nectar of the gods!" and gives her compliments to chef John. Nearby, Sean is, in Peter's words "chilling." Despite the political blunder we've just seen him make, Rob thinks Sean's next to go, "Sean's lyon around, not trine tuh fit in. Ahm ohmost positive he's next tuh go. It's a toss up between me and V--it'll probly be me next cuz she's bettuh at ***Loud Kissing Noise***," Then Chachi grins, so amused with himself and adds, "Yuh know what I'm sayin?" We cut to Vecepia doing what any logical and intelligent person would do in this situation, not just for survival, but to make the next few days or even weeks go by pleasantly--she's pitching in, doing her part and making friends. Yeah, Rob, we know what your sayin'. We also know that V's probably gonna be around longer than you.

Rob insists he wants to make friends in order to form some sort of alliance. Then we get this exchange: Chachi to Gabe, Tammy & the General: "So, duh you considuh us Rotu? Or are the old Rotu still gonna be Rotu when they come back?" Tammy: "You're Rotu for the moment--that's all that matters right now." The General,"It's hahd tuh say. You're Rotu Now...They used to be Rotu...They might be Rotu laytuh...wait, what was duh question?" Gabe (inexplicably): "I feel EXACTLY the same way. WE are Rotu! WE ARE ROTU! Right Now!" Tammy: "By the way, How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" The General: "A woodchuck would chuck a lotta wood, if a woodchuck could chuck wood!"

Later, an indignant Gabe complains to us, "I don't care what the casting people, Survivor producers, CBS executives and Jeff Probst kept telling me, there WAS NO GAME before this switch. Those Moronmu people brought it with them! Even though we have specifically been told numerous times by various people that this is a game in which we vote one another off in order to become the ultimate Survivor, and thousands of people who knew and understood that were rejected while I was chosen to come here, I never wanted to play this so-called game that has been viewed by millions of people in dozens of countries! I came here, on CBS' dime, to see if I could build a society with seven strangers. True, it would be a rapidly-dwindling society, and it would only last a little over a month, but that was nevertheless my DREAM! And it worked! For a glorious week and a half it worked! But now my initial wonderful experience has been turned around by Rob Mariano and all his talk of "alliances" and "votes" and something he likes to call "Tribal council''--I've never seen it, I think it's a myth. Something Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett have invented in order to scare us from straying to far from camp!" Then, he and The General, Tammy & John discuss Maraamu, Tammy: "Jeepers, it sounds like their tribe has been hella different from our idyllic wonderland of peace and virtue!" John,"Indeed, good woman. Especially as they started LYING to one another. My stars! What a development!" Tammy and The General, "Heavens to Betsy, we shan't ever lie!" John nods his approval, "Righto, stick to your ethics, I always say!" Then Gabe, who's sulkily carving out a gourd wonders, in that condescending tone you might recognize from a former teacher who thought he was "challenging," 'And just what ARE the ethics in this game?" "Be honest," John says quickly and Gabe shakes his head and disagrees. John is aghast, "Wait...back the frick up...you aren't *actually* suggesting that you might (gulp) LIE in order to win this game are you?" Gabe is not to be distracted from his precious gourd as he clarifies, "Oh I'm not here to play a game. I'm here for that eight person game-show society we had and now it's gone," he whimpers, "Now kindly allow me to carve out his drinking gourd in peace!" The others look at Gabe as though they've just realized he's a total freak. John insists, "You are playing the game, Gabe. "Not playing the Game" is your strategy for playing the game." "I know you are, but what am I!" "PLAYING THE GAME!" "No Way!" "WAY!" John tells us, "If he wanted to join some 60's commune, he went to the wrong end of California. Instead of auditioning for Survivor down in Hollywood he should be up in Humboldt making his own toothpaste. The game has started and if he isn't playing, I'll deal with him accordingly." Word. Again, YES, John hella bugs. But right now, he's pro-Survivor and anti-Chachi so I'm rooting for him.

Cut to: New Camp Happiness. Nelah, Paschal, Kathy and Gina open the day in prayer, instead of with the Pretend Radio Show game. Gina says, "Now that Sarah is gone, we're a real tribe and I'm at peace. Nelah says, "New Maraamu Rules" Paschal says, "This is just like living in a small town." They all predict victory in the coming days, and go out on a group crab kill to bond even further. Kath says, "We pocketed, like, 12 big crabs--mine were the biggest. I'm really good at catching them, probably because I grew up near the ocean." The gang pulverizes the crab and has a feast. It looks gross, but it smells like...victory. Ala Jim Fassel, Paschal guarantees a win in the next challenge.

Reward challenge time. Ron gulps hard when he realizes Sarah's gone--no nookie, even if he survives into the merge. Jeff continues to wear blue, because he know how much I like it. He also *appeared* to be wearing a Survivor Africa hat. Hmmmm. Has anyone else noticed the lack of product placement? They made such a big deal about how these contestants (yes, Gabriel, contestants) had to find there own food so we've yet to hear a whisper about the once ubiquitous about Bud Light or Doritos.

The Challenge is complicated. One person is a caller. they yell instructions to three blindfolded contestants, who must find 12 totem pole pieces, bring them back to camp and then, once all the pieces have been found, they assemble them correctly. The winners get to raid the other team's camp--the most fiendishly demoralizing challenge EVER! :D Chachi, V and Sean sit out AGAIN, so the "can't sit out two challenges in a row" rule must either mean...in the same day? Or maybe, two challenges of the same type, i.e. you can't sit out two immunity challenges in a row. I don't get it, if anyone knows for sure, please let me know. Gabe and Kath are callers. I thought making Kath caller was going to be a huge mistake (ala making the annoying Jerri caller in one of Ogakor's many losses) but it turns out, you need someone loud and comfortable at bossing people in this situation :) She does great, while Gabe seems to frustrate his team--especially john. Rob snickers at his own team's misfortune--guess you answered your own question about being in Rotu, eh Chachi? At Long Last, Maraamu wins!!! Jeff keeps confounding me--I swear, he keeps saying MaTAHaamu but the flag clearly says MaRAAmu!

Everyone gets a boat ride to Rotu. Jeff explains the rules (gee, almost like it's a game, Gabe) to the marauders, who must leave one knife, one cookingpot, one water container and the magnifying glass. They can't take any luxary items (dang, Chachi's football would be soooo useful). They have a short time to do it, and CBS plays some fun "game show" kind of music for this "Survivor-market Sweep." They take everything that Rotu has won in the previous challenges--lanterns, fishing gear, blankets etc. while Rotu has to stand there and watch--of course, Gabe looks especially hurt and disappointed in his fellow men. When they leave, Chachi taunts them by pointing out the *one* thing, a frying pan, that they left behind. The utterly cut-throat Kath, laded with everything Rotu owns grumbles, "We shoulda took their frying pan!"

Rotu is laid low, but Vecepia thinks this will help bond them as one tribe, "Now we can strengthen in this time of adversity. Before, I think we were still a little like three and five, but this will make us a true 8 person tribe!" Vecepia has officially had her passport stamped in Gabeland. When Sean compliments Gabe on finding taro and bumps fist with him, Gabe smiles, "At least Sean cares about team spirit!"

Meanwhile, par-TAY at Maraamu! CBS cues some Luau music as Kathy gloats that her former tribesmen can taste defeat for themselves. The group took the Rotu cutting board emblazoned with their tribe name. Nelah says, "It was super neat to win, especially because Gina got to win for the very first time!"

At Rotu, VanillaGabe does a truly loathsome white-boy rap to the (no-doubt feigned) delight of Vecepia, Sean and Chachi. Or maybe their just glad that someone here will play Pretend Radio Show with them. A defiant Gabe tells us, "I love our new members! Love them! This is Rotu! This! These eight people!" The rest of the tribe joins Vanilla Gabe except for John, who stews over the stew, "Gabe is spending waaaay to much time with the new people. I thought it was obvious that we'd just vote then out one by one and Gabe seemed smart enough to go along with this. I'll ask him about it and if he says we're sticking to that logical plan, I'll be cool with him."

Tammy and John confront Gabe, who denies ever saying he'd vote out the Moron's in turn, "I'm not going to anything even REMOTELY "game" related!' John:"You're gonna play the game how you see f---" "I'm NOT PLAYING THE GAME" "Are too!" "Am Not" "Are!" "Aren't" "Yuh Huh!" "NUH UH!" Tammy forces them all into a group hug in order to shut them up, but the damage has been done. John decide that Gabe is dead to him. He then decides to canvas his tribe for votes in order to oust Gabe. THe General assures John that he won't vote out John and they bump fists in what is apparently the Rotu way when John returns the promise. Then he goes to far by gushing, "No REALLY, Rob, I MEAN what I say, really truly and honestly I swear!" The General looks embarrassed for John, "Yeah, man, I believed ya the first time." Zoe agrees to the aim of she, John, Tammy & the General as a Final Four. Tammy is in too, and John agrees to seal his promise to her in blood, but Kath isn't there to pee on it, so why risk it? Then he swears on his mother's life--Lex would love this guy. Anyone who is this certain he WON'T be believed, shouldn't be trusted if you ask me. Anyway, John is determined that Gabe is next to go. I agree to getting rid of Gabe SOON, but why not try for Rob first? Yes, Gabe is making friends, but he HAS to vote for SOMEONE, and it seems obvious that he wouldn't choose any of old Rotu to go in Rob or Sean's place. Sigh.

Gina, Nelah and Kath go to get the mail. Am I setting myself up for heartbreak by rooting for these guys long term? The immunity challenge will be an SOS signal to be seen from a passing boat. I predicted doom for the bunch, thinking that they wouldn't do two "unphysical" contests in a row. The girls happily brainstorm on the way to camp, confident. They have all the supplies, having just raided Rotu of what they might have used, hee hee. "We can DO this," they delight. "Yes, YOU CAN!!" I cheer at home :D On a personal note, Nelah joins my younger sister as the only people I know who say "pellow" instead of "pillow."

It ONLY gets better, as we learn that Sean, Rob, V and Zoe must make the signal with no help from the others. Gee, Chachi, seems Hunter might have been helpful here. The General wins this week's understatement prize when he observes, "I don' think we got our most creative people making this thing." Ya think? Vecepia leads them in a bizarre prayer in which she tells God that no one form Rotu is being voted out tonight. Why don't you ask Him to bless your Lotto numbers while you're at it. Sean gets my sincere props for referring to their sorry looking signal as the "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids S.O.S. sign." Hey, hey, hey! :)

Meanwhile, john decides he HAS to get one of the newbies on his side in order to avoid the possibility of Gabe getting all the newbies to vote HIM out--a possibility which *only* becomes plausible once John enlists Sean to help him vote out Gabe. Sigh. Why he picks Sean, who the frick knows. He pulls him aside for a little talk RIGHT in front of Chachi and V, who are *obviously* going to wonder what's going on, and tells Sean to play it cool, vote out Gabe, and get that much closer to the merge. John assures Sean that he's being sincere and Sean says, "Uh huh," and John says, "No, REALLY, I'll never ever ever lie EVER!" Which of course, just makes him sound like he's lying. Sean tells us, "I think that was a mistake on John's part. If you're gonna vote for Gabe, vote for Gabe! Don't tell me! Let me worry that I'm next, or Rob or V! Now we have the upper hand!" Sean talking so much sense is truly frightening--but even a broken clock is right twice a day. I'll credit this particular boat of logic to God: besides her arrogant statements, Vecepia DID pray for wisdom. Sean and Rob don't look very wise, lounging with their sock pulled up to their knees like old men--maybe it's for bug protection. Puppetmaster Chachi realizes they have a shot to get Gabe on their side and go into the vote with a 4-4 tie.

The boat comes. The captain is sooooo negative about Rotu's crap signal, it's almost a foregone conclusion that Maraamu will win. It seemed like Jeff kept trying to steer the Captain away from raving about how the American Flag drew his attention instead of the actual signal. No matter, Maraamu wins! GINA WINS IMMUNITY!! :D They swim out to get the immunity idol and hoist it high above their heads. Kids, that thing's worth, like $500,000 on Ebay in May, I swear.

Rotu hears the horn sound for Maraamu. Zoe comforts Vecepia, "We did the best we could. You prayed--God must be mad you, that's all." She knows she ain't going home tonight. John tells Chachi that they're voting out Gabe. then, they hope to win the next challenge and make the merge. Then they'll vote out New Maraamu (is he serious??) first, before Rob, Sean and V. Rob, apparantly not SO bad at *Loud Kissing Noise,* if ya know what I'm sayin' tells John, "Tanks, Jahn. We really appreciate your includin' us, sir. And may I also say, dehts uh really cool shell necklace ya got dere." He tells us he doesn't trust John and will now go to recruit Gabe--who now must vote against John if he wants to defend himself! John is reminiscent of Lex in more ways then one--to quote the Kinks, "paranoia, they destroy ya!"

I'd also like to go on record as saying that, telling the whole truth on Survivor is stupid. If you have a moral objection to that, you shouldn't go on the show. I wouldn't be able to LIE and say, "You and me are an alliance!" and then sell that person out, but I certainly wouldn't feel there was any morality involved in *not telling* someone that they were about to be ousted. It's a game. I don't show people my hand when I playing cards, either.

Chachi is lying about in a tent (I'm sure he thinks he looks like a Mafioso here), and he calls Gabe in for a meeting so that he can: Make Him An Offer He Can't Understand. This is LITERALLY what he says, "Ahm not hun'red puhcent shah how ahm gonna vote. If Howehvuh, YOU ahn't eiduh, maybe we kin shake up a new twist. If yuh cool, ready tuh go if it's yuh turn, dehn...whatevuh, I got no ahgument. Jus' do me uh favoh an' don' discuss dis wit anyone else." Gabe couldn't if he TRIED. If that was REALLY Rob's best stab at recruiting Gabe, it's no wonder he missed entirely. Gabe tells us, "It's probably me going tonight. There's only so far you can go in a game that you utterly refuse to play or even acknowledge exists." John watches suspiciously as Chachi and Gabe toss the football around. Ah, John, it's lonely at the top.

John muses, "Maybe it was stupid to tell the new people the plan and thus allow them to alert Gabe. Hey, it's win I eliminate Gabe, then *obviously* I'm the all-time mastermind in the History of Survivor! If not, I'm eating good back at the hotel!"

Is there anything more pathetic than an ultra-competitive person who has to assure you that they *don't really care* about the outcome of something, just in case you beat them? John goes on, "I think of all the votes in this whole game so far, this one is the most pivotal." Well, John, it is the first one to actually involve you, so I can see where you might think that. I was wrong earlier. There IS time enough NOW to hate John as well as the piggies.

Tribal Council. Jeff has to explain the torch procedure *yet again* and doesn't even bother to explain how fire represents life, "Ask Sean!" He snaps. He opens the vote with a taunt, "Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Two losses in row for the once unbreakable Rotu--how's the mood in camp?" Tammy blows him off and says they were bound to lose eventually. Then he asks Zoe if there's anyone in camp who always lightens the mood. She smiles, "Definitely Gabriel. He has this little giggle that always makes us happy...I'm sure gonna miss that." When Jeff asks Gabe if he trusts these people, Gabe certainly seals his fate when he pouts, "NO! Trust is fleeting! I thought we were a real family, but then it turned out that everyone else here is playing some sort of...televised game where only one person is left to claim a million dollar prize! It's really quite disgusting." Then Jeff asks the jack of all trades--Nurse, Chef and King John if he's the leader. The PC thing to do in Survivor country is demur, but John announces, "Yes, I may not be everyone's textbook type of leader, but I've stepped up! I have definate leadership abilities." Sean's eye's bug out in shock and I totally agree--what an ass. See? Sean has been right TWICE in one day, just like I said. God is good. Jeff is shocked too, and says, "Er...John, did you just admit that you're a front runner in this thing?" "Yep, In the words of the great Gloria Estefan, I'm Coming Out of the Dark!" Jeff's last question is for Chachi who says that his voting criteria is always what's in his best interests, and he thinks that everyone's looking out for "numbuh one." What does Will Riker have to do with any of this? A shout out to you, if you got that, Trek homies!

The vote is a massacre. Gabe is ousted 7-1. He did not, however, vote for John, he voted for Chachi. I'm not sorry to see Gabe go, but wish John had gone Lex a little later in the game. Gabe joins the forgettable Dirk, the regrettable Kimmi and the unforgettably evil Silas as 5th person voted out of Survivor. The impeding merge (we...think) is becoming more and more interesting. If John, Zoe, Tammy and the General are truly a foursome, and Nelah, Kath and Paschal get wind of it...they could unite with Gina and V etc. Since you are undoubtedly reading this after the "next episode" airs (yes, because I'm lame) I feel silly speculating, but I really hope Sean or Rob is out. Gina's departure will break my heart. My review of episode 6 will be along soon--but you're just gonna have to take me at my word because I'm not swearing on my mom's life ;)

Peace, Christine