Survivor Africa week 7 and Recap Recap...

Greetings and sorry for the delay:) Between Thanksgiving and an
ever-increasing work schedule, something had to give, and it was the review
this week. Since it's recap week, no harm no foul, I hope :)

In this week's TV Guide, Matt Roush goes all crybaby about Survivor,
claiming that the game isn't fair because CBS switched the rules on the
little piggies. He says "Instead of playing the game, the game is playing
them," like that's a bad thing--I thought it was great television myself.
Roush can't pretend for a second he actually *likes* reality TV enough to
be fair about it. The media is jumping all over "Survivor" this year, due
to its declining (but still MORE than respectable) ratings. I wish they'd
just go back to fawning all over their precious and over-praised David E.
Kelly and Aaron Sorkin, and leave Survivor alone. I'd especially like it
if they'd treat it like a regular show, instead of having to come with all
sorts of social, moral, and philosophical theories as to why America loves
it, doesn't like it, etc. At the end of the day, it's *just* TV, and they
are *just* people who get paid a lot of money to rant and rave about it,
pretending its more important than it is to justify their own lives.

I, on the other hand, do it only for love. And attention. And praise.
And OK, if someone paid me, I'd take the money ;)

the recap was pretty weak, for those who passed on it. Just like last
year. Basically, we learned that Clarence and Frank are both *a lot*
stranger than we could ever imagine. CB is obsessed with his "war paint,"
preening for hours as he gets in "the zone," to the amusement of his
teammates, even though Lex realizes 'It's not cool to laugh at your
teammates, so I'm a little confused as to why I'm doing it, as I usually do
the *cool* thing."
Frank gears up for challenges by playing with his antlers...no, REALLY. He
smashes these little deer antlers into each other and into the sign. I
hate to agree with Lindsey on anything but...Frank is a freak.
We learn that Diane was even kookier and more annoying than we'd been led
to believe and that Linda apologized profusely to Lindsey after her,
"Didn't your momma ever hug ya?" crack. There was a very interesting scene
in which Teresa tried to unify old Samburu, back when they were all still
there, insisting, rather prophetically it turns out, 'We don't know what's
gonna happen to any of us down the line, we're gonna need each other."
Interesting now that Samburu is facing extinction.

It was all worth it, however, to see Ethan standing guard over his
tribesmen with a
spear in his hand, looking for all the world like some ancient Semitic
warrior king--if CBS makes a miniseries about King David, I *think* we know
who
to call...:) The main problem: CBS spends the whole hour on the people who
are gone, rahter than fleshing out the people who are staying--how does
that benefit new viewers?

Week 7

Did I call it or what? I know, I've been predicting CB's downfall since
Beancangate in week one. I almost felt bad for the guy, but he dug his own
ditch by not *really* apologizing for what he did--and he KNEW he needed
immunity, and still couldn't hold out, ala another week seven castoff,
jeffy jeff, who knew Ogakor knew he had votes but *still* quit on the
immunity test. In Season one, it was Gretchen who was axed at the merge, a
victim of naivetй--Pagong didn't vote as a block (sigh, they thought it
would be cheating), and the evil Tagi alliance struck down the game's
classiest player. Gretchen's ouster was the night we Survivor fans lost
our innocence.

Brandon is quick to jump off the Lindsey Train, "Can I just *say* how much
I hate Lindsey? I was soooo sick of her whining and all her paranoid
ravings--what ever happened to going out with dignity? All that crying?
Whatever!" You were crying too, Brandon, we even saw it on the recap.
Then he and Kim try to spin a revisionist tale of how Big Bad Silas and
Lindsey the powerful forced them into submission, "Lil ol' us, what were we
supposed to do, think for ourselves? Treat Linda and Carl like human
beings? Perform even the slightest task around camp to improve our
situation or that of those around us? So...uh....what do *you* guys want
us to do? 'Cause we'll do it, you guys RULE!" Tom gloats that the kiddies
are as nervous as a whore in church--uh, at least the proverbial whore has
the good sense to be humble, arrogant Tom.

Brandon, like a junior high nerd determined to change his image when he
changes schools, *brilliantly* decides that he will distance himself from
his ONLY FRIEND, Lil Kim, "I'll say hi and everything, but we are totally
sitting on different logs at meals. Now its all about individual
challenges. I'm going it alone, just the way I like it." But...I thought
you weren't going to be alone *ever* Brandon, I'm confused. So is Brandon.
Yes, immunity challenges *are* individual. So...unless you win immunity
every single time (like runner-ups Kelly and Colby almost did) you need
people to like you so you won't get the boot. Did any of these people
actually *watch* Survivor before they auditioned??

Back at Boron, everyone agrees the chicken was yummy. Clarence gets the
runs, then almost gets run-over by an elephant. Old Kim talks of how she
misses a good
Sunday brunch in bed with a cup of coffee and the paper. She has to
explain to Frank what "brunch" is, as he's never heard of it. Frank tells
the camera, "Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm a freaky difficult loner,
America. I will spend the next day or two making it *abundantly* clear, in
case I'd accidentally won some of you over to my side."

Lex, Tom and Kelly are thrilled to be in power at Samburu. Lex is
confident that they'll be in the final four (with Ethan, presumably). They
do a sort of modified cabbage patch to celebrate. Brandon can't shut up,
moaning to the camera, "This is hoooooorible. Now that Silas is gone, and
all I'm left with are these icky girls and fat ol' Tom and The Illustrated
Man? Yuck. Survivor is soooo inconvenient."

Lex's deep and abiding admiration of himself manifests itself this week in
THE UBER-SPOON, a utensil he makes as an offering of friendship to his
bestest buddy Tom. It honestly looked like a normal twig to me, I missed
both the "Uber" and the "spoon." Lex starts chanting "uberspoon" as he
shows off his arts and crafts skills to Kelly, who pretends to be amused.
But she tells us, "Lex is a disgusting suck-up--and when you're sucking up
to an ignorant redneck who can barely keep his pants up? It's time to
re-evaluate you're life. If I could get rid of Lex? I'd do it in a
heartbeat." File that tidbit away kids, I predict it will come into play
in
three weeks or so...

At Boron, Ethan wakes up all rumbled, but still manages to make his nerdy
glasses work for him, sigh....

Both tribes receive word of an immunity challenge:

Raise your arm up high
Stop the water from flowing
And you'll stay longer

At the challenge sight, everyone rejoices with the news that they are
merged. Jeff asks which camp they'll go to and everyone says in unison,
"WE'LL GO TO BORON SINCE IT'S BEEN WELL-MAINTAINED, IT HAS CLEAN WATER, AND
CHICKENS TO EAT, DUH!" The Survivor: Africa PA's move Samburu's gear to
Boron whilst they try to keep dry: They must hold one of their arms above
their heads while holding a rope tied to a bucket of water. If they move,
they get splashed and they are out of the immunity race. Kelly is the
first to go, followed by Old Kim. Lex is so FREAKIN COOL, he picks his
teeth while he stands there. Old Kim tells Kelly how Frank And T-Bird gave
them Silas AND Lindsey on a silver platter. Kelly warns that Frank
supposedly hates women, and doesn't want a woman to win. Has she actually
been listening to the kiddies? Frank may be really really really REALLY
weird, but he seems to respect women: case in point, his reliance and
devotion towards Linda and Teresa. Hmmmm.

Brandon is out, Lil Kim, Big Tom. Frank is moving all over the place but
his bucket doesn't fall, which irritates the other eliminees. He finally
gets sloshed and Brandon and Lil Kim cheer, then give him fake-congrats.
Teresa sings "Tomorrow" from Annie--T-Bird is this year's sweetheart--in
part to pass the time, in part to inflict psychological torture on Lex, CB
and Ethan. Jeff tempts them with a burger, and feeds it to the losers when
none of them go for it. Then it's pizza--again no takers. Lex tries to be
cool and fails, drenching himself in the middle of striking a cool pose.
He hisses to Kelly how much he wants CB to be vulnerable--he has neither
forgiven, nor forgotten.

Finally, Ethan is out and it's down to CB and Teresa. Clarence tries to
get T-Bird to agree to Rock Paper Scissors, but she isn't giving up. She
accuses him of trying to trick her, and he whispers, "I'm not Silas, you
can trust me." Jeff comes over with a nice dinner with ll the fixings, and
Teresa relents to CB's offer. He chooses Rock--"Nothing beats that,
right?" and Teresa, perhaps anticipating that a big muscle-bound guy
*always* picks rock, beats him with paper. CB's Roshambo'd out of
immunity, lacking the will to outlast T-bird. As I predicted, he sells the
immunity that is his birthright for a hot meal. Fittingly, he eats in
alone as the other tribesmen--including Tom's long absent
butt-crack--gather to congratulate T-Bird, who no one was gonna vote for
anyway so who cares?

For the second year in a row, we learn it's not wise to underestimate the
sheer will of a 40-year-old Southern woman, no sir. Last year, Tina jumped
only when it made sense politically, this year T-Bird shows herself to be a
gamer.

As the new tribe heads back to Boron, Lex sucks up to T-Bird, trying to get
some of that immunity mojo via osmosis. He's got his arm around her like
she's his long-lost sister. Everyone is together--except Frank, who
*pointedly* walks off by himself, making sure everyone knows he doesn't
especially care for any of them--even Rich faked the funk and he hated
everyone! Frank, you're killing me here! They arrive at
boron-not-for-long to find another poem:

"Invent a cool name
Make a colorful banner
Have a food party"

Serious grubbin' on cheese and apples ensues. Everyone's in the family
room laughing, playing twenty questions and Risk--except for weird Uncle
Frank who's out getting more fire wood. Kelly, "Shall I compare thee to a
Zoloft cloud?" She wants him on meds, stat. Tom makes America
*uncomfortable* when he says, "Teresa, you is my woman now." The tribe
plays the drinking game "I never" and we learn that T-Bird has had sex on
an airplane--OK, so she's been around the block a time or two, she can
still be America's Sweetheart. Julia Roberts has been engaged to what, 37
guys? Then Frank agrees to play, and he sucks the life right out of the
party with his "I've never broken the honor of a handshake," whatever,
Frank. Yes, you moral, Army of One. I swear when he gets voted out, he'll
go on the CBS Morning show and just like Dumb Deb, talk about how, "I
thought it was gonna be about survival skills, not all that interpersonal
garbage I've sucked at all my life," because clearly, Frank did not watch
this show. His wife probably did, and said, "Frank, you should go on that
show. I love you, but marriage was so much easier when you were in the
service and gone half the year--have fun in Africa!" He tells us, "It was
fun being a part of the group for two minutes, but I sure was relieved when
it was over and it was time to gather more wood!"

Everyone's a little tipsy on wine. Ethan breakdances and looks cute. Lex
tries to copy him, and looks lame. Frank, missing his .22, tries to mess
with an elephants head for a bit. If Frank could talk to the animals,
*maybe* he could build an alliance. This is a family column, so I can't
really discuss the massive elephant...er...appendage, that CBS showed in
one shot, except to say, I *don't* think Frank knew what kind of impression
he was making on Ol' Babar, if you catch my drift *eyebrows waggling.*

That night, they have a brainstorming session. Lex is the only one trying,
and he is *really* into it. His years of experience of naming and
re-naming his rock band are coming into play here. He comes up with "Moto
Maji" (Moh-toh MAH-jee), which means "Fire Water." He explains, "It's so
FREAKIN COOL because what are the two most important things here? Fire and
Water--we need them to survive. But, and follow me here, we are also all
in "Hot Water.." get it? Because of the *game* we are always in Moto Maji,
so to speak." Everyone agrees to Lex's name--no one else remembers it, no
one else cares.

Next morning, and everyone is wary. Lex reminds us, "It's a game, but it's
SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. We've created a society in which...I'm not just an
annoying
tattooed nut-job with an out-of-control peter pan complex--I actually have
power! It's so
FREAKING COOL!" Brandon tells us that, as opposed to the previous 20 days,
"Now is when you have to start being fake to people, so they won't vote
against you when you're in the final two." If Brandon is in the final two
I will personally send each of you a crisp one dollar bill (Hey, at least
you know I mean it). Frank doesn't know if people like him or not, and
doesn't care one way or the other. Again, WHY COME ON THIS SHOW IF YOU
HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IT IS!!!! Tom asks Ethan, "Seew, who we
gahn tuh give theh haych tuh?" Ethan, "Zuh?" "Theh voet, who we gahn send
peckin?" Ethan, "...WHAT?!"

Doomed Clarence spending all that time painting the flag is so sad and
pathetic I can't even joke about it. Lex decides, "I'm too cool to keep a
secret, even in the context of a game--because it's SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
How can I make you understand what it's like to be out here, in the wilds
of Africa, with no one to rely on but yourself?" Lex is veering
dangerously into Keith territory for me...Anyway, he decides to tell CB,
*Man to Man* that everyone's decided to vote him out--because he's so
strong, "It's nothing personal AT ALL, and certainly we've all put that
whole beancan incident, where you stole from us and then tried to lie about
it, waaaaay behind us." Kelly's irritated at Lex, for his dumb lack of
strategy here, and, more importantly, for implying that he's a better
person than the rest if them because "Lex is all about keeping it real."
Funny...I don't recall him telling Diane, Jessie or Silas...Kelly
rightfully calls it grandstanding, especially since it's doubtful he'll do
it every time.

Every time Lex reminds everyone what a FREAKIN' COOL benevolent dictator he
is, he makes himself more of a target.

Kelly tells us she'd rather dumb Freaky Frank than CB, Tom implies to CB
he'd rather dump Brandon when Clarence tries to lobby him to stick with Old
Boron tribal lines. If Clarence had any sense, he would have tried to join
Old Samburu, that might have worked. T-Bird tells the camera that CB told
her at the immunity challenge that he wouldn't vote for him, and she won't
do it to him. Don't you just love her? Old kim chafes a bit at being told
who to vote for by Tom and Lex--again, it won't happen right away, but the
fewer people who remain, the fewer votes it takes to get rid of you. Lex
and Tom are being so obvious about their alliance (its not shown but I
think Ethan is in pretty tight with these bozos too), and it's gotta be
annoying everyone else. Tina and Colby hid their alliance til the very
end.

Jerri's spirit whips through camp as they gear up to hike to tribal
council. There, Lex gives Jeff his MOTOMAJI speech. Ethan tells Jeff
everything's hunky dory at the new tribe. Tom says, "Wohl, yeh trine be
heppy forwhol, then ta cheese is duhn gohn ehn yer back wore ya was afore.
Aht hyere, iffin ih t'ain't tuh animuls, eht's tuh people." America turns
to the person next to them, who shrugs helplessly. CB ties to paint his
Roshambo loss as *yet another* example of his nobility, "I could tell she
wasn't gonna quit so I thought I'd spare her any further pain, thereby
costing me the immunity i knew I so desperately needed." Ethan then
tells Jeff, "I like truth. It's hard for me to lie to someone's face."
Which is true: he had a tremendous about of trouble lying to Silas, but
Silas was too stupid to notice--but he still did it.

The vote. CB votes for Lex, "I know you explained it to me man to man, but
no one likes to be reminded that they are in a place of weakness, you big
dope. You really
rubbed me the wrong way." T-Bird also votes for Lex, citing his
"leadership skills," as her reason. When Jeff (sigh...) tallies the votes,
Lex is stunned to hear he has two votes--"Dude, that is so FREAKIN NOT
COOL!" But Lex, it's nothing personal--you understand that, right? But
everyone else votes for CB, as expected.

Old Boron can make this move--they still outmatch Old Samburu 5-4. The
scenes for next week show Teresa trying to rally her tribe to do something,
but it won't come to much. If you're betting on this, I'd say Brandon and
Frank are pretty much at even odds. It's one of them saying bye
bye--perhaps one of them will win immunity, if so, the other one is the
sure goner. If neither wins immunity, despite all the focus on weird
Frank, I think Brandon goes. No one *really* likes him, and Lex wants his
choices to be popular. Queers give Tom the "wiggles," as he might say...if
you could understand what he's saying.

I'd look for Kelly and Old Kim to team with the two Samburu survivors left
in week 10, to vote out Lex. They won't do it now, but once there's only
two Samboohooins left, I'm *hoping* a shake-up like this happens, OK and
Kelly trying to take charge of their destiny, instead of waiting for the
LexiTom to weed them out at the end. Or maybe Ethan isn't so firmly tied
to Tom
and Lex as has been implied and he will make a move. i think Lex is a
greater threat to Ethan's winning most of the immunity challenges (I love
Ethan, but I'd love to see him lose several to "non-athletes" just to take
him down...half-a-peg, is all). But maybe Ethan wants to go in with Tom or
Lex, figuring he'd win the vote against either of them. Still, I know all
this speculation comes from a place of ignorance--I mean, CBS *has* to be
hiding stuff from us,
right? I hate thinking of Ethan in league with Tom and Lex, but I fear
that's the case. But Lex would lose *any* tie at the moment, and the fewer
people who remain, the easier it might be to arrange it. After next week,
Kelly and OK could do it by voting for anyone else but whoever LexiTom
choose, even if Ethan goes along. 3-3-2. It's possible, but...so is
anything.

Tom and Lex as the final two is my worst nightmare, now that Silas and
Lindsey are gone:(

This week's poll:

The most alarming true-life Survivor biographical fact is:

A) Tom has a son named Bucky Bo Buchanan

B) Teresa once ran a marathon while she was nine months pregnant

C) Brandon is actually divorced--from a woman.

D) Silas has a college degree in finance

Next week: Is Samburu getting the band back together? Will Lex smoke out
who voted for him--or will he wind up burning himself by being uncool?
Stay tuned!

Peace, Christine :D

Survivor Africa Week 6

Ahh, so satisfying. Lindsey's bad-ass is sitting on the couch at home in
the Joel/Michael spot--reserved for those with big plans that didn't
*quite* paella pan
out...

Night at Boron, the local critters are scoping out the chicken coop. Ethan
is ticked that Jeff and CBS might be changing the game up on him AGAIN.
Not that Ethan's *really* worried about the rest of the competition--being
a professional athlete and all, it's just a tad disconcerting that they're
running out of food.

I find Ethan's floppy hair...bewitching.

Clarence is all ears when he hears the food might be gone, and wonders,
"Should we ration the food, or what? We need to figure this out. Why
don't you all go for a walk tomorrow while I stay behind with the
chickens..."

Back at Samburu, The Boron refugees are *surprise!* doing all the work,
staying up all night doing guard duty, getting the water, boiling the
water, etc. Lindsey the Leader senses some tension and wonders how long
Lex and Tom's last fire-tending shift was. Lex replies, "Look, I'm cool,
but even I can't get by on two hours sleep everyday--our last shift was 5
hours long." Great moments in Survivor: Lindsey's laughably fake "Noooo
Way?! REALLY!?" AS IF she has any intention of getting less than 14 hours
of sleep.

New Samburu worries about the vote. Lex frets than Good Old Kim is a
goner, but Lindsey assures them, "Oh it was soooo hella Frank that got the
boot. He's such a terrible awful man. We are soooo divided, by the way,
you might want to file away that damaging information about our pathetic
tribe until the merge." Lindsey you are so Freaking Stupid! Everyone's
assuming a three three split. Hee hee hee.

Lindsey reminds Lil Kim for like, the eightieth time that she has four
votes, "Kim, you MUST PROTECT THE QUEEN." Then Lindsey transparently sucks
up to Tom and Lex, "Ohmigod you guys? I am sooo happy that you are in our
tribe, you so rock the party!" Then she confides in us, during a manic
cycle, that "I'm the type of person, when I set a goal, I totally achieve
it. Unless it has to do with, like, work? Or like, *real life* or
whatever? Or like, the goals my therapist helped me set?" Or like, not
crying for a certain amount of time--I'm just emotional OK? That's just
who I am!"

Boron, and the camera pans over the Boron National Beencan Memorial.
Clarence is--surprise!--obsessing over the food situation. If I were
starving, I'd probably sock CB in the stomach if he kept mentioning food
every thirty six seconds. CB reminds me of Esau selling his birthright to
Jacob for a bowl of Chunky Soup--it could happen to Clarence if he's not
careful. The chickens haven't produced eggs yet, and CB wants to cook them
up.

They have four chickens. Why was the idea of merely killing one of them
such an ordeal?

Reward challenge, and another lame poem. Maybe it's the rhyming that's
tripping them up, they should switch to haiku:

Answer as a team
Travel down the bleachers quick
Mountain Dew awaits

The moment we waited all we to see--the tikes discover that their
beautiful Silas is gone. Jeff is beaming, he can't wait to twist the
knife, "So, are you little idiots surprised?" "No, we knew it would be
Silas, we hated him," they lie, but their little black hearts are
breaking:) Good Old Kim flashes "L" and "4" to her old tribe, as in
"Lindsey has four votes against her!" but they mistake it for sign
language. :0

Jeff does his little endorsement of Mountain Dew: Nectar of the Gods!
Samburu has Tom sit on his crack during the smarts test 9i don't really
know *why* you would need someone to sit out in this sort of challenge, but
it works for Boron, they win the feast of sandwiches and, more importantly,
Mountain Dew. In reality, the sodium content of soda would seem to me to
be counter-productive, especially to the mud drinkers. They snarf out, and
Lindsey desperately toasts to the new "Hella Awesome Samburu! I'm gonna
make you all necklaces, I swear! Please don't hate me!" I was glad that
Tom and Lex and and Kelly got to eat the food, even if it also benefited
the turds. They do have the muddy water, and Boron has good water and
chickens.

Lil Kim gets sick from gorging herself, and her "good friend" Brandon makes
fun of her and almost causes her to barf, but she keeps it down. The
Mountain Dew people let out a collective sigh of relief. Lindsey is
impressed, "It is such a testament to Kim's character that she didn't
puke--Carl said we were weak, but this proves that we are strong. When I
saw that Silas was gone, my heart just sank. It'll be hard to win the
million dollars without him, but, whatever. Kim and Brandon will still do
whatever I tell them." Kelly shoots up my own personal Survivor Billboard
chart, as she uses her "behavioral researcher analyst" training to
manipulate the little idiots. 'Yay, we got rid of Silas, doesn't that
rock?" And Lindsey has to lie, "yeah, he was such a big meanie. I'll bet
he is soooo pissed right now." Wouldn't you all love to see the looks on
Carl and Linda's faces at the hotel when Silas shows up? tee hee hee.

Kelly continues to sift through Lindsey's tiny brain, "So, I guess there
was a 3 to 3 vote, right? And Silas had votes against him?" Lindsey is
quick to assure her, "Yeah, Silas was the ONLY person to have votes in our
tribe, the jerky old people hated him because he was so young and pretty.
Frank tried to get him to join an alliance with him? And Silas was too
noble, too pure of heart to go along with it, and Frank FREAKED out and got
all the old people to vote for Silas." "Wow," Kelly replies, "That makes
absolutely no sense, but you have told me that Boron can destroy you after
the merge because Old boron is strong and Old Samburu is weak, so thanks!"

Lindsey confides to the camera, "It turns out, being a psycho bitch and
treating Teresa and Frank like human garbage wasn't such a good
strategy--my bad!"

Kelly moves on to Brandon, "So, Silas and Frank must've voted for each
other, right?" "Oh Frank is HATEFUL!" Brandon agrees, "He didn't like any
of us, and you can bet, when the merge happens? He'd MUCH rather vote out
one of us than one of you," Brandon assures her. I love Kelly. Brandon
does his revisionist history thing again: "I kept telling Silas and Lindsey
not to be insufferable, but they wouldn't listen to me and this is what
they get," even though his behavior was just as bad.

That shot of the gazelle or whatever walking down the path--and then it
splits apart and we see its really two gazelles? Rocked.

Back at boring Boron, we have more discussions about the danged chickens,
and whether they dare eat one, *siiiiiiiigh*. CB is obsessed with
chickens. Theresa is charmed, "He may be a bean-can thief, but he's sweet
and dad gum it, he works, which is more than I can say for those varmints
back at Samburu." Frank making a little backyard for the chickens was so
darn cute. Oh how I misjudged thee, dear Frank. CB tells the chickens if
they lay just one egg, he will spare them. Otherwise, "It's tribal council
for one of you." Cut to: the pensive chickens, as they contemplate their
voting strategies.

Meanwhile, back at Samboohoo, Kelly continues to play Lindsey like a
violin, "I feel so vulnerable, please adopt me into the necklace sorority!"

Lindsey tells us, "Of course Kelly is trustworthy--she's 22. So
*obviously* she's not one them, she's one of us. Tom and Lex are like
married? And have kids? Kelly is single, and she acknowledges my power,
that's all I need to know." Brandon agrees, "Of course the new people
adore us, I mean, look at us! We're young, we're pretty and thanks to
me, our lips aren't chapped and with our bead necklaces we've even managed
to be well-accessorized while napping on safari!"

Brandon frets to Kim that if they go to vote, the others will assume he at
least one vote from Frank and it will go to a tie-break. Kim sighs
heavily, "So study the manual, that's where they get the questions from,
dumbass!" "You're not seeing the big picture, Kim. They like you better
than me and its not fair, nyah nyah nyah! Waaaah waaaah waaah! You should
try to me more annoying so maybe they'll vote for you and you'll have to
take the stupid survival quiz, waaaah!" Then he raves to the camera, "I
know it might benefit me to be nice to these people, but unlike Kim, I
haven't gone out of my way to do so. I mean, being friendly is hard and
why
on EARTH, would you want to talk to people like that? Kelly's OK, I mean,
she's 22 so *obviously* she's against the grown-ups, but Tom is all FAT and
whatever? And Lex with all those tattoos? No Thanks!"

At Boron, everyone is greatly amused when one of the chickens lays one egg,
infuriating CB. But, they all decide to cook one of the chickens anyway,
"BeGoOOOCK, that's wasn't part of our deal, BeGoooooCK!" Didn't it seem
like Vegetarian Ethan was chowing down on chicken or did I imagine it? I'm
sure if Ethan chose to violate his own personal moral code, he had a VERY
VERY good and legitimate reason, so shut up! Ethan is righteous and true!
I will not hear otherwise!

Kelly tells Lex and Tom she thinks Good Old Kim was trying to send her a
message, "At first I thought she was throwing gang signs, but then I
remembered that she's a 57-year-old white woman. Then I remembered she
knows sign language!" But despite the fact that they think she showed
them "L" for Lindsey, they still want to vote for Brandon because, "frank
was in the army, therefore he's a homophobe, therefore he voted against
Brandon at least once." SIGH. I was much afeared! Meanwhile, Lil Kim
informs the other punks that Old Kim was giving them signals, sending
Lindsey into one of her woe-is-me paranoia jags.

Brandon thinks he has a shot because they are singling out Tom, "He's the
oldest, he's the dumbest and he's soooo the least attractive, don't even
get me started! If it's a tie-breaker situation, I'm all over it. I can't
conceive of a question they could ask me that I wouldn't know and Tom
would. Unless it's about farming or something. Or, you know...work, or
real life or whatever. I'm prepared to lay down my life to keep Lindsey in
the game--I MUST protect the Queen! And I'm brave and noble enough to do
it, I don't care what my dad says!" The brats share a group slug-hug.

It will be their last, BWAH HAH HAH!

Ethan and Teresa hope that the good Boron's got the clue about Lindsey
having four votes against her as they go to pick up the mail:

"Shoot these arrows straight
Set the tribal masks on fire
For immunity"

"Golly Teresa, isn't Frank an avid hunter and marksman? Could he not teach
us to shoot these arrows?" "Land sakes, Ethan sir, I do declare you are
right!" Frank teaches them to shoot.

Lindsey has to relinquish her lover, the immunity idol, back to Jeff. It
leaps into his arms. Kelly is chosen to sit out the archery. Badass
Lindsey lights up a target, dammit! Brandon squeals and then almost lights
himself on fire. Every gay "Survivor" fan in America reminds their
straight friends how good Rich was with that spear-fishing, yessir! Old
Kim lights up a target, yaaaay! I have to admit, Lex really did look
pretty FREAKIN COOL on this one. It comes down to Lindsey needing to hit a
target....and she chokes! Boron wins the pennant! Boron wins the pennant!
:D

The immunity idol is relieved to find itself wrapped in Ethan's gentle
embrace, as he gives it a gentlemanly kiss on the forehead.

Boy do things get real interesting at Samboohoo at this point! Lex has a
man to man with Brandon, and Brandon snaps, "You just want to know if I
have a vote, well I'm not gonna tell you, nyah nyah!" Lex is taken aback
and says, "Look Brandon, I'm cool. Too cool to vote for one of you slugs
without
telling you that if we *do* vote for you, it's nothing personal--we think
you're all just super." "That's fine, I've been waiting my whole life to
validate my existence on a game show: come tribal council, it's Brandon's
time to SHINE!"

The little piggies give themselves a pep talk, but oink a bit to loudly,
and Kelly overhears the whole thing: namely, that they've always felt
fairly confident with Brandon as the designated target. When the brats
realize what's happened, Lindsey's Mood-Mountain bike downshifts from
"Bossy confidence" into her
"Whiny paranoia" gear, "It's me, they're all out to get me! Why!?! Oh
lord, WHY do bad things happen to bad-ass people!?" Kim tells her to chill
and that the votes are gonna happen the way they're gonna happen and she'll
just have to deal with
it--in a decidedly "I'm so sick of your crap, Lindsey" voice, I thought.

But Lindsey ain't trying to hear that, and she comes up with a plan: serve
up Brandon to the Boron three. She decides that Brandon essentially
deserves being stabbed in the back because he was being loud (even the
though the whole conversation came about because the pathetic Lindsey
needed YET EVEN MORE reassurance) and, after all, without king Silas,
there's no real "Bead necklace tribe" anymore anyway, right? Oh Lindsey,
how could you sink so low? "I feel soooo bad about even *thinking about*
betraying Brandon, but on the other hand, better him than me." So, she
goes to Kelly, "I can't believe I'm even considering this
but...PLEEEEEEEEASE carry me into the merger! I'm desperate, I'll vote for
Brandon and whoever else you tell me to!" Last week it was Ethan
suppressing a contemptuous eyeroll with Crazy Silas, this week it's Kelly,
who pretends to be interested ("You'll surrender Brandon?" she asks
doubtfully) but has a very definite 'You are sooooo out of her, Lindsey."
look on her face. Kelly gets Lindsey and audience with Big Bear Tom and
says the same thing--but she's no fool! She wonders what would happen if
she and Kim DON'T betray Brandon! Tom shrugs, "Oh Well. It's not like we
need yer votes, little girl."

Lil Kim finally shows some character, declaring to the cameras that no
matter what Lindsey decides to do, Kim will not vote against Brandon
because, simple, "He wouldn't do that to me." Kudos Lil Kim. Lindsey is
now drunk with power--she cannot see the stupidity of her plan, only the
"genius" of it because it's a switcheroo--so it MUST be brilliant, "Do I
remain true to my morals, or do look out for number one the way i've been
doing my whole life? This is like, the hardest decision I've ever had to
make IN MY LIFE!!" And sadly, it probably IS.

Sigh. Tribal Council:)

Jeff asks the group about the new tribe, and Lex displays some diplomacy,
"I'm cool: too cool to disrespect the three little piggies, even as we
eliminate them one by one." Kelly agrees, "We're loyal to our tribe mates
at Boron, but...sure...we...uh...we could also be loyal to these new
Samburans, yeah...that's the ticket!" Take notes Lindsey and Brandon: it
makes no strategic sense to rub your noses in the feces that are your
stupid, foiled plan. Jeff asks Brandon how he feels about the trust, and
he claims not to trust anyone, not realizing that one of the two people he
actually *does* trust has been in negotiations to send him home early.
Jeff asks Kim about trust and she replies, "Unlike *CERTAIN PEOPLE* who
shall remain nameless, I have *NO INTENTION* of voting against *CERTAIN
OTHER PEOPLE* in the necklace bunch, OK?"

The vote: three votes Big Tom, three votes.....LINDSEY!!! :D

The looks on Lil Kim and Brandon's faces were classic, as was Lindsey's
"Don't cry for me, Samburu!" reassurances to her cronies that she's gonna
be OK. "I totally knew this was gonn happen and I'm a TOUGH ENOUGH to
handle it OK?" All the kids start crying and Lindsey gets up to leave and
Jeff has to yell at her, "I will tell you when you can leave "SURVIVOR:
AFRICA! There's still the tie-break! There is a protocol here! Plead
your cases!"

So Tom just shrugs and says, "I ain't Lindsey. I ehm who I ehm and Ahm
neht gohn change." WHAT!?

And Lindsey the alleged bad-ass, the "competitor" takes a dive, "I'm like,
the happiest person in all the world right now [unaware that millions of
viewers are so very very much happier]. Having never contributed anything
worthwhile to to the world or the people around me, I can only imagine it
feels this good. I was gonna sell out Brandon? But on the way up here, I
TOTALLY decided to stay true to him, and I'm so in love with myself right
now I can't STAND IT! How awesome am I?" Brandon lowers his head in
shock--so much for never being alone, eh there Bead boy? Lindsey is cast
out due to previous votes--and her own idiocy. The kiddies plan was
actually pretty smart: A tie between Big Tom and Brandon might have swung
there way--neither had votes, so it would come down to a quiz (we assume)
and Tom ain't much on booklernin' so who knows? But Lindsey is too
conceited and too stupid to realize that the second she suggested to Kelly
to vote for Brandon (which they we're PROBABLY going to do anyway), she
sealed all their fates. She *told them* that she was vulnerable. If she
had really wanted to betray anyone, she should have voted for Brandon in
secret.

So Lindsey puts on her game face and hugs her weepy "comrades" who should,
in her opinion, be *so proud* of her for deciding to do what they had all
agreed on instead trying to ingratiate herself with Boron, "Don't worry
about me, I'm awesome! I can get through this!" "At least you get to see
Silas," Brandon and Kim sniffle. Jeff declares, "Due to the unprecedented
mental instability of the Samburu kids, this has been the most emotional
tribal council EVER!" I actually thought it was a let down from the
emotional high of losing Silas, but I'll take it.

Bye Bye Lindsey! Next week (Okay, THIS week--I have a job and a life, OK?
Sheesh!) Thanksgiving Survivor for us. Will the merge happen this week as
"scheduled" in our minds? I suspect a week delay. Previously, we lost the
one post-merge non-juror, so I suspect we'll lose one more person most
merge and then everyone who gets voted after the merge is on the jury??

I have no earthly idea really--which is FUN! :D Clarence is the most
vulnerable from here on out--he's a physical threat for individual immunity
and he lost too much trust at the beginning of the contest to have build
any really strong alliances. He's toast the next time he's vulnerable. As
much as Brandon irritates the crap out of me, I'd honestly vote out Kim
first, both as more of a physical threat, and as someone who might be able
to form a new alliance somewhere.

That's what I love about losing the bullies: it makes the merge and all
subsequent votes so much more interesting. If Ethan, Lex and Tom re-from
the "cool guy alliance" after the merge, Kelly might join Old Kim, Teresa
and Frank in a different alliance. It's really difficult to say who has
the power going in--and that's the way we like it!:) Have a wonderful
Thanksgiving everyone--a "Survivor" Thanksgiving! Peace, Christine ;)

X-Files 8.20 "Essence," 8.21 "Existence" & 9.1 "Nothing Important Happened Today" VERY BRIEF.

It is sooooooooo over.

The X-Files two-parter was so terrible that I've been putting off
re-watching it for like, six months.

The show has lost all sense of itself, of storytelling and, with the debut
of season nine, dignity.

The two-parter was just a cheap amalgam of previous cliffhanger chases,
unstoppable aliens, blah blah blah. Who cares? Carter has cried "truth is
out there" too many times, who'll come running?

I honestly can't muster the energy to recap. The finale had all kinds of
obvious religious imagery relating Scully's baby to Christ, but this is
film school *symbolism* devoid of any possible meaning. As I said *all
last season* Carter doesn't understand the difference between suspense and
jerking around his audience. And he thinks he's a genius, or, at the very
least, that NOT giving the fans what they deserve is somehow...powerful?

Mulder constantly refers to Scully's baby as *her child* then at the end of
the end of the finale they share a passionate kiss which seems to indicate
VERY STRONGLY that they had indeed conceived the child together, but that's
still none of our business. The fact that the two leads, these two
partners, soul-mates, *made love* is not to be shared with us? Whatever.
It's insulting, and worse, it's bad television.

In the first part of the finale, ONLY DOGGETT doesn't believe Krycek's
explanation about Scully's miracle baby, and at one point, Skinner and
Mulder *hand* Scully over to ratboy. Next week--or in show time, TEN
MINUTES LATER they are calling him a liar and a scumbag. Skinner kills him
(Carter says "allegedly" oooooooh, no way, he could be alive? Genius!).

Everyone runs around saying trust no one, but Scully trusts the menacing
"baby nurse" that Scully's suddenly stupid mother hires (and we all knew
she was bad because she's played by a name actress), they trust Krycek,
Moonbeam Reyes trusts the sheriff who pokes around the secret birthing
ghost town( don't even ask) who OF COURSE turns out to be bad. Nothing
comes of that though, the baby is born and everyone walks away, the baby is
normal---except now it isn't so why, if the baddies are so determined this
season to hurt Scully and her child THIS YEAR didn't they just kill Reyes
and Scully and the baby when they had the chance?

The baby is named William, Scully says to Mulder "after your father"
another *BIG HINT* that the baby is his, but this is a ridiculous thing to
say since it's also HER father AND brother's name, sheesh.

In a laughable attempt at "defining" his character, Dogg LITERALLY, I am
not making this up, watches a NASCAR race on TV while cleaning his gun.

Mulder, though fired, wanders around crime scenes being a jerk, the other
agents frown--why don't they arrest him?

The premiere of season nine is even worse than I imagined. We have a new
opening sequence with four leads, Scully, Dogg, Reyes & Skinner. I now
believe Gillian stuck around only because she wanted one damn year where
she was the highest paid actor on the show.

We get Lucy Lawless popping out of her dress and then a shot of her later
walking away from us nude. Reyes wakes up to answer the phone and holds a
sheet around her naked body, we see her bare back as she chats with her old
boyfriend, Cary Elwes, doing a pretty bad American accent. If this worked
for you, congratulations, you're a fourteen year-old boy. Anyone want to
take a bet to see how long until they have Reyes going undercover as a
hooker? This show used to be above that, but no more.

Shows always dip into melodrama too late--if Mulder or Scully had an ex
show up as their Bureau boss we'd have eaten it up. But does anyone care
about Reyes?? She's kooky and she smokes cigarettes...that's it folks, I
don't know anything else about her. Dogg we know is a Tough New York cop
who drives a truck and watches duh races and his son died and...whatever.
Now he's the new Mulder--a loner in the FBI who's finishing out his
assignment in the X-Files--why hasn't Kersh closed them down, exactly???
And is Kersh worth all this? He's no Cancerman. He's kinda snotty but
he's not evil.

Reyes meets up with her old lover who actually says, "How long has it been,
two years?" Ay yi yi, exposition can be tricky but you can do better than
that...I guess not.

Mulder's absence is explained by a terminally sad and bitter Scully, "he's
just gone, it makes sense in its own way." Oh you're a genius, Chris
Carter. making Mulder look like a coward, a cad and a deadbeat
dad--brilliant!

Skinner is now a complete wimp, fretting about getting caught, paling in
comparison to the Good and Noble John Q. Doggett, whatever.

This terrible script is written by Carter and Spotnitz, who reveal just how
much the departed (Glen and Darin Morgan, James Wong, Alex Gansa, etc.) had
to do with the show's success now that they are in almost total control.
Carter wrote almost all of last years scripts and they were dreadful. This
one, 9.1, was boring, silly and childishly profane, peppered with all sorts
of sex references, "ass" here, "piss" there, because that means its
"edgy"...right?

The Lone Gunmen come by and OF COURSE, there's a joke referring to the
cancellation of their spin-off, hey Carter, if ANYONE GAVE A CRAP, the show
wouldn't have been canned, now would it?

Oh yeah, Scully's baby? Probably a super hero clone baby with scary
powers. Greeeeat.

If I continue this review, it may be only to pass on a particularly awful
line of dialogue, we'll see. I certainly won't be taking copious notes
anymore, it's just not worth it.

Because "The X-Files" that was worth talking about is dead. :(

If you want to watch something cool, check out it's time-slot rival "Alias"
on ABC.

Or just check out.

Peace, Christine :)

Survivor Week 5: Best Hour Of Television EVER!!! :D

"It's a beautiful morning! I think I'll go outside
for awhile, and just smile!" Young Rascals 1968

Or, to paraphrase Yeats, "Things fall apart; the bead
necklace cannot hold."

As I sat at my desk at work, almost praying that my
VCR was taping "Survivor" ( I'm always overcome with
the shame of such a trivial prayer to actually
complete it), I heard the president saying some stuff
about unity and healing--how did he know Silas was
about to get the boot? The evil Silas, who wanted to
be Rich and had all the makings of a Jerri (who,
despite being hateful, lasted a few weeks into the
merger) has been banished in the 12th position
folks--the same spot as also-rans Dirk and Kimmi.
Silas is a Kimmi, hee hee hee hee.

Things looked promising for Silas earlier this week,
when Gen X heroine Laura "Half-pint" Ingalls defeated
Boomer icon Rhoda Morgenstern in the SAG elections.
But week 5 had nothing to do with age and everything
to do with justice--Survivor style!

We begin with yet another display of bad behavior as
Lindsey and Silas jump all over T-bird and Frank for
not going along with "Silas's plan" to load Lindsey
with all the votes and voting for Silas instead.
Silas wants answers, "Where is the logic in voting for
Silas? Just admit it's because you're jealous of
Silas! Silas is too pretty so you voted against him,
SAY IT!" Kim sits off by herself, she knows she's
drowning in a sea of loserdom but she doesn't know how
to swim. Lindsey barks, "This is just the boomer way
of punishing us! We've told them that they are
irrelevant and can now only serve to help us kids get
the million dollars? And they're all like, looking
out for themselves instead, #$%&!"

Brandon cautions the amped and angry Silas, "Don't
talk when you're emotional, sweetie, you have enough
trouble sounding coherent when you're calm."
Realizing (way too late after his stunningly childish
display towards Teresa EARLIER THAT DAY) that
alienating Teresa and Frank is actually
counterproductive since at least one of them should
survive into the merge to turn on them (tee hee hee),
Brandon then tries to make nice, "T-Bird, honey, if I
had been in your position, I'd do the exact same
thing." But Lindsey won't hear that, "Oh brave and
noble, sir, don't insult yourself so! You would never
exhibit such ghastly behavior! #$%&!" and Brilliant
Brandon, RIGHT IN FRONT OF TERESA, replies, "Hello! I
know! OBVIOUSLY, I'm a much better person than Teresa
is, but we have to PRETEND to get along with them so
they'll go along with our genius plan, OKAY? Teresa,
hurray for you for voting for Silas, you GO girl!"

Meanwhile, Silas continues to spar with Teresa:
Teresa: "2 + 2, Silas." "What does 5 have to do with
anything Teresa? You don't know anything about the
GAME, OK? It's called "Give Silas a million dollars"
and you're CHEATING!" Silas shakes his head at the
idiocy of Frank and Teresa, shooting themselves in the
foot just to spite him.

Tee hee hee :)

"He's a real nowhere man, living in his nowhere land,
making all his nowhere plans for nobody."

The sun rises on a beautiful day in Africa, and Frank
talks sense. It's still 2, 2, 2 tribes in one, and
the tykes are stupid to treat Frank and teresa like
they don't matter. Teresa is enjoying the
game--especially shaking the kids up last night.
Crazy Silas tells the camera, "They sent Silas a
message, Up mine! A.K.A, what the hell am I saying,
no one knows! It shows their maturity level.
Fortunatley, I'm rubber and their glue." Silas
explains that Frank and Teresa have lost sight of
proper game etiquette, unaware that CBS is about to
tear his playhouse down... ;D Then Brandon chimes in
about how the others don't seem to realize that they
can't treat teresa and Frank like trash to their
faces, at least until the merger, which...kinda leaves
a bitter taste in my mouth.

MAIL TIME!!!!!!! :D :D :D

Lex comes back to camp, looking so FREAKING COOL in
his shades, with a weird letter, telling the tribe to
send three members on a quest while the others remain
behind. Clarence suggests that they all go, while he
stays behind to guard the beans, but no one goes for
it. Tom, Lex and Kelly head out.

Samburu gets a slightly different letter:

Dear Silas, "Head like a hole, black as your soul,
We'd rather die than give you control!" Love and
Kisses, CBS. PS send three people on a quest!

"Wow, that sounds like walking? And like, work?"
Brandon deduces, "T-Bird, Frank, why down y'all go."
Silas goes along with them to keep them in line. Tee
Hee hee:)

The six wandering survivors find Jeff standing in the
road where they were dropped off two weeks ago. He
announces that there will be a switch. They are now
part of the opposing tribe. Tom, Lex, Kelly and
Silas appear crushed. Frank and Teresa not so much.

Now, if any of your lame not-Survivor-watching pals
start accusing the show of Jerri-mandering the
district just to hurt the annoying kids, be sure to
tell them that Survivor is a game show, and game shows
have been regulated by law ever since the quiz show
scandals f the 1950's. The decision to pull a switch
had to have been made before the game started,
otherwise Mark Burnett goes to jail.

In other words, the Humiliation and Destruction of
Silas Gaither was ordered by Fate. WoooHoooo! Destiny
rules!

Lex, Kelly and Tom trudge towards the enemy camp.
Kelly declares, "I'm sooo glad I'm not a member of
Samburu--D'OH!" Lex is so freaking cool, he came up
with a great nickname" Samboo-hoo. If you only knew
how hard I've been trying to come up with a mean fake
name for Samburu. :( You've won this round, Lex!

Are Brandon and the girls gonna be crushed when they
realize Silas isn't coming back? Does an antelope
crap on the savanna? Uh, that was a rhetorical
question, CBS....ewwwww.

The Gen X jerks embrace their new teammates, smiling
through the unbearable pain of losing both the muscles
and the BRAINS *shudder* of the napster alliance. The
best laid plans of brats and badasses often go awry...

At Boron, Ethan laments the break up of the cool-guy
alliance, "All my hard work, pretending to need those
bozos, ruined. Oh well, at least Tom's buttcrack is
gone." Ethan possesses the casual confidence of a guy
who people *usually* like, and who *usually* wins.

Silas lays out like he's posing for "Playgirl" (don't
be surprised, either...) "It might seem bad for Silas
to be separated from three pathetic slugs who depended
on him, and sent into a tribe that already has two
athletic guys, and sent along with two people who have
vowed to destroy me even at their own expense should
the opportunity ever...wait, what were we talking
about?"

Back at Samboohoo (yeah, yeah, thanks Lex), Lindsey
laughs, "So, like, are you a bunch of good-for-nothing
losers like us or are you *eyeroll* "workers" like the
mean old people we got rid of? @%!" Lex looks like
someone ran over his dog. "I'm cool," Lex explains,
"but being paired with whiney bastards is still a
shock." Like being traded from the St. Louis Rams
to...Hell. "What the hell kind of slip-shod camp are
you running here?" Lex wonders, "Don't you have any
wood? That's NOT what I mean, Brandon." Brandon
scowls, "You're not the boss of us, Silas is and he's
coming back *sniff* I don't care what you say,
Waaaaaaah!"

Lindsey whines, "We had it all figured out, and CBS
was gonna give us a million dollars so that we never
have to, like, work? Or listen to anyone else, like,
ever again? And then they like, changed the rules?
It's sooo unfair, %$#&!" I actually have to agree
with Lindsey: I myself hate it when someone throws a
loop *at* me, and when there's a kink in the loop?
Whoa Nelly, time for me to take a nap!

Can anyone name me ONE single whiner from a previous
season?? Goodnight, this year is crawling with 'em.
For now, tee hee hee :D

Great moments in Survivor: Lex tries to use a broken
kettle to boil much-needed water, while Lindsey sits
nearby and braids her hair, "Sigh, whatever. Yeah,
Frank and Carl were all into that too, what EH ver."
Lex is baffled, "It looks like the lazy people have
been running the camp--how can that be?" Oh poor,
naive little Lex, just you wait.

I have nothing against tattoos per se, but an
eightball with a knife through it? Lex, you're too
FREAKIN' COOL to be trying *that* FREAKIN' HARD.

Great moments in Survivor, part 2: Brandon assures the
newcomers, "Yeah, we've pretty much used up all the
wood in Africa." Lindsey agrees, and warns, "There's
like trees and stuff? But be careful--they like,
attack, *!" The montage of Lex, Tom and Kelly
building up a heaping pile of firewood as Brandon
looked on was so classic.

Kelly finally develops a personality in this one:
bitter refugee from Cooltown, exiled into Sucksville.
"It's like, going through Hell Week, getting into a
sorority--but still having to live in like, the
dorms!?" Ah, CBS is a cruel master. Kelly is
actually YOUNGER than Brandon and the girls if you can
believe it. She vows to destroy Samboohoo from the
inside. I like your moxie, kid!

Brandon and Lindsey rest in those cocoons like the
lazy larvae they are. Lex says he's going to get
water. "Cool, thanks. It's kinda far. Be careful
not to get too muddy, it's like soooo gross getting
water." They're like a fish-out-of-water script, but
screw the life-lesson, you're praying for a shark to
show up.

Loved Tom mocking the brats as they wait for firewood
and money to fall out of the sky. At the water hole,
Lex and Tom are horrified when they find the slimy
mudhole. "Slimy? Mudhole? Our water hole this is!"
Lindsey barks, "It's hella harsh, huh? Aren't we
total badasses for drinking it?" Tom and Lex do a
little irrigation work, unjamming the water hole so
that it's...liquid. Yee.

At Boron, Silas laments, "Silas was on the good side,
kickin' back, taking a knee every once in a while when
leadership was called for, receiving tributes of beads
and food from my people...now these bad people are
making Silas...wo...wo...work?" Frank helps Ethan
collect firewood with Ethan, "So...you're doing chores
and...how old did you say you were, 27? WEIRD."

Clarence and Silas, both mistaking muscles for
strength nearly come to blows, "You're the MAN," "No,
YOU'RE the man," "No, Dammit, YOU'RE THE MAN!!"

The role of T-bird will now be played by Sissy Spacek.
She tells Good Old Kim about the horror that was
Samboohoo, "But me and Frank, we weren't gonna abide
that, no sir!" Silas, still in centerfold-mode, seems
to be amused at how happy Frank and Teresa are now
that they aren't on the cutting board anymore,
"Whatever," he smiles, "Doesn't SiIas look pretty?".
Later, Frank and Teresa tell the whole tribe a spooky
campfire tale about a stupid crazy bartender and his
love-struck followers, "They are Gen X, they are
Legion!" Kim, Clarence and Ethan shake their heads at
the shocking story, while Silas sits off by himself,
thinking, "Frank and Teresa are so bad at playing this
game!" Heh heh heh. :) Then Frank and Teresa tell the
others "Lindsey has four votes. Silas has three." Ha
ha ha :D

Frank and T-Bird: happy at last! Silas is...confused.


At Samburu, the kids make it easy for Kelly, Tom and
Lex to plot in secret by waking up before 10am--those
sneaks! Tom thinks all the brats are equally useless,
"Two whiney girls, and a queer." Two girls, a queer
and a muddy waterhole--coming this fall to CBS! Lex
concludes, "Frank was in the army, he MUST hate
queers, No way he doesn't vote for him at least once.
" Tom nods, "I dunno what the hell part of Texas
that boy could be from, " but Lex shrugs and reminds
him, "Eh, I mean, Vanilla Ice is from Dallas." Kelly
vows never to become like the other kids, and drags
some firewood back to camp just to prove her point.

Lindsey watches from her napping-pod, "This game is
soooo hard," she whimpers. "Life is hard too, but at
least there's like, Aquafina? And restaurants and
stuff?" Then she assures the other turds that "None
of them have 4 votes like poor me. None of them are
as vulnerable as me." So, having 7 votes...would be
bad, Lindsey? Interesting. Kelly tells us they MUST
find out who has votes so they can win at tribal
council. "If immunity is physical, we lose," she
assures us--cut to: camp sack-of-crap, and the lazy
beans snoozing. Remarkable, Kelly refers to Kim as a
"physical threat," and thinks Brandon is the most
likeable. Or did she mean as a target? I didn't
follow. Brandon might be playing it smart and
down-playing the bitchy uselessness thing. Wait...did
I just say that?

Then...and this is what reality TV is really all
about, a tick digs itself into Lindsey's famously bad
ass and Lex and Tom use hot water to burn it out.
"That's what happens when you allow Mother Africa to
see your broken spirit, bead-girl," Linda cackles from
her living room couch. Many of you may have been a
little disturbed or perhaps offended at Tom
rhapsodizing over Lindsey's posterior ("Kinda brung a
whole new meaning tuh the phrase "reward challenge,
hyuk"), but i was touched. Turns out, Tom likes ALL
buttcracks equally, not just his own!

Reward challenge for chickens, everyone take one
drink. A bunch of African tribespeople are on hand to
watch those wacky Americans try their hand at
goat-herding. This is great for CBS, who count the
Kenyan by-standers when asked about network diversity,
"We have scads of black people on CBS. And gay
people. Or as we like to call them, queers." Jeff
gloats about the tribe switcheroo and looks right fine
doing so in blue denim shirt and cowboy
hat--yeeeeeehaw. The goats were very cute, i thought.
Lots of running and yelling, Boron wins. Lex and
Kelly look on in despair, that used to be their
playground....

Back at Samboohoo, their is MUCH boohooing. Kelly
tries to be encouraging, but Lindsey interrupts, "Uh,
you're new and everything, so I'll cut you some slack?
but this is the time when I cry and sulk and everyone
tells me what a badass I am, okay? &*#@!" Lindsey
can dish it out, but she can't take it. Then she
cries about how she misses Silas, about how
everything's changed, "I HATE it here soooo much, I
don't want to leave." Zuh? Then her "Manic major"
alter comes out, ordering everyone around, "Failure is
NOT an option, troops. I'm PUMPED, and you'd better
be too if you know what's good for you, &*%#!!"
Everyone else blinks incredulously.

Brandon wants to draw attention away from Lindsey the
vote-laden one and is irritated that Lil Kim is trying
to be liked. Brandon cracked me up complaining about
being the man of the tribe now that Papa Silas is
gone, "The girl's are sooo whiney and pathetic and
stupid, I have to do ALL the thinking, and that is
soooo not me. It's so lucky that I'm gay because I
HATE girls, even though they are my bestest bestest
friends." That was actually funny, but Brandon still
hella bugs.

The world does not owe you a dang thing, Brandon.
There is no tip jar on the counter of life.

At Boron, Old Kim and T-Bird exchange information: Kim
tells T-Bird about Clarences moral lapse with the
beancan. The good people are flocking together.
Loved Old Kim's assessment of CB's friendship with
Silas, which she sees as sincere, "He's foolish that
way." The cream is rising to the top, as T-bird and
Frank leap over CB in the pecking order of New boron.


Ethan suggests to Kim that they throw the immunity
challenge, even though that goes against the SACRED
SOCCER CODE. As he sees it, it's win win: Win= win
immunity. Lose: win "lack of Silas." Immunity
challenge is the Giant Puzzle challenge. Lots of
yelling and running. Inserts of EThan and Kim
standing around imply they thew the race, but it's not
conclusive. Lindsey huffs and puffs so everyone can
see how she's doing her best to be a bad-ass, despite
the horrible pain! Silas starts blabbering, "look at
the colors, colors mock Silas, make Silas MAD!"
Samburu wins. Jeff looks at Silas and says, :You know
what's coming next, don't you Silas? I do. Turns
out, I know a thing or three more about Survivor that
you, plan-boy." Lindsey takes the immunity idol and
makes sweet unnatural love to it.. I'll bet some of
you who don't actually watch the show are laughing
because you think I made that up.

I wish >:p

Back at Boron, Silas lures Ethan out of camp to try
and outsmart him, "I hate Frank. Frank is the real
enemy, he's a master of stragery and manamanipulation!
You , whew, you can't believe what a threat he is!"
It's all Ethan can do not to roll his eyes
contemptuously at Silas, "Look, I'm not an airheaded
girl and I'm not a lovestruck homosexual. You have no
power over me! I'm Ethan. I'm not threatened by
Frank or anyone else." This confuse Silas, so Ethan
begrudgingly says, "CB's a threat, vote for him.
We're all voting for CB." "Ethan, brother, you can
count on my help. Frank loves me, I can manamanipulate
him into voting for CB. Trust me. You rule, Ethan."
But he failed to *take a knee* and doesn't make the
sale.

Then it's Kim's turn to play with Silas's widdle brain
a little, "So are you in an alliance?" "Uh, hyuk,
yeah with the three little pigs back at my old Samburu
home!" "Are you in an alliance Silas." "No!
We...we...we're just four people who like to sleep in
and make crafts together, if some people want to call
that an alliance...wait a minute, what are we talking
about?" Kim tells us, "I don't want to say anything
too mean about Silas, in case he's mildly retarded,
but that boy just ain't right."

Later, Silas slyly sneaks off with Ethan, "Hey,
you...no not you Kim, Hey, ETHAN. Look at me! Let's
*wink wink* go get some wood *wink wink*" This time,
Ethan doesn't even bother hiding his contemptuous
eyeroll. He stalks off with Silas, "What? What the
hell do you want?" Silas is snarfing down some food
as he talks, but tragically, doesn't choke to death,
"So are we voting for Frank? Or CB." "WE ARE VOTING
FOR CB." "So, be straight with me, brother, it's
Frank?" "WE ARE NOT GOING TO VOTE FOR FRANK. WE ARE
VOTING FOR CB!" "Look, we have to decide, soon!"
"How can you stand there and call yourself a soccer
player?! Out of my sight, inferior!"

Ethan is actually almost being kind here, because
telling him to vote for CB is plausible: Had Silas the
sense of an African Ass-tick, he'd lobby to get rid of
CB--a physical threat for individual immunity who has
angered Kim and Ethan severely in the past. But in
Silas-land, there's still the chance for him to bring
down Frank. Silas demands that Ethan look him in the
eye when he says they aren't voting against Silas.
"We're voting for CB. Vote for CB. We aren't voting
for you," He's not even slightly convincing, but it's
Silas, he doesn't have to be.

Silas, lacking the sense to be scared, tells us that
"Tribal Council is going to rock! It's either me or
CB going, for SURE, it's so awesome." Here, Silas is
like the sad little kid who calls backseat middle,
just so that they get what they "want."

Tribal Council :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Jeff begins, "Silas, why don't you humiliate yourself
one more time before you go--something for me to
remember you by."

"Sure thing, Jeff. Jeff, I've played sports my whole
life, football, baseball, soccer (Ethan wails in
agony, "Unworthy! Unworthy!") and whatnot, and if
there's one thing I've learned Jeff, it's that when
you have the same color shirt as someone else? You're
on the same team, no duh!" Jeff smiles, "Frank, Boron
kicks Samburu's ass, doesn't it?" "Absolutely. Not
only do these guys let you work, they actually help.
They don't make necklaces and when they hate you, they
don't rub your face in it--why, CB still thinks he's
goat a shot at winning this whole thing!" *Everyone
laughs* Jeff asks CB if he's threatened by having
another Alpha male in camp. "Silas is dumber AND less
moral than me, that can only help me in the voting."
Silas smiles, "That's right buddy, I'm glad to be on
your tribe too brother!"

We don't see any of the voting until CB, who doesn't
vote for Frank like Silas said to, he votes for SILAS,
saying, "I love you man, but I can't trust you." I
forgive AND forget, Clarence Black, you have chosen
well. Silas VOTES FOR FRANK, the mind reels. Jeff
reminds the bunch, "Once the votes are counted, the
decision is final. Silas will be asked to leave
immediately." The votes are tallied, and when Silas's
name comes up a third time, Silas looks at Ethan. I'm
certain that Silas did this so that when he gets home
and tells the story of how he was *betrayed,* he can
say to his buddies, "Ethan pretended to be my friend,
and then he voted against me. That coward couldn't
even look me in the eye!"

EXCEPT. :D :D :D

Ethan looks right at him, not even slightly ashamed of
his actions or intimidated by Spooky Silas. "Get of
my soccer field, plan-boy." Silas grins like an
idiot. I'll bet he rashes his hotel room.

The tribe has spoken. A nation rejoices. The evil
Silas is vanquished.

Perhaps you all help, as he barely edged lindsey in my
"death poll," though most of you voted for a four way
tie.

This weeks poll: What would make you laugh harder:

A) Silas calls you, "manamalipitive."

B) Brandon calls you, "Annoying."

C) Lindsey calls you, "A pathetic, weak, psychotic,
neurotic, punk-ass crybaby"

D) Kim calls you, "Invisible."

In parting, Jeff cryptically implies that the tribes
won't merge, as they've been assuming. Hmmmm. My
guess, they merge when their down to 8 instead of 10,
but we will see. The best show on TV just keeps
getting better. I'm gonna be riding this
until...Lindsey runs wee wee wee all the way home.
Let's hope Ethan, CB or Kim pass the info about
Lindsey onto their exiled Samburu allies during a
challenge (seems simple, is it legal?). Old Boron
remains seperate but strong, while the rift in Old
Samburu continues to slice up both tribes.

I predict Lindsey and Clarence as next on the chopping
block, now that the peace, order and justice have been
restored to the Surviovr world. Peace, Christine :)

Survivor week 4--the inmates are running the asylum!

Literally.

Last week, I mistakenly labeled the kids at Samburu as childish lazy punks,
but I was way off base.

With the possible exception of Lil Kim, who IS a childish lazy punk, the
kids are mentally unhinged--and utterly contemptible.

We pick-up the night of the vote, which is a new thing they're doing this
year. Seems to me in previous years, we had mornings after, but not "later
that night." Silas lays down the law to the remaining workers, no early
morning walks to the water hole alone--ya gotta wait for the lazy beans to
wake up. The older people are kind of in shock at the audacity of Silas,
who is both evil and clueless. Rich knew when people didn't like
him--Jerri LIKED antagonizing people, Silas thinks he's "team-building" as
he tells the boomers what's expected of them before they're systematically
voted out, and, I think, genuinely expects to be respected and liked. He
even feels able to criticize Lindsay for her display of bad behavior:

"Behold the power of LINDSEY!!!! I am a bad ass--no one can conquer me!!
Don't F with me especially when I'm PUMPED UP! *&@#!"

Lindsay tells us that it all hit her, "We all conspired to vote out Carl,
and it suddenly occurred to me that the old people had done the exact same
thing! How dare they try and mess with a sensitive bad as like me!? @#$*!"

These aren't very good villains. Rich was Machiavellian, Jerri was...if
not Darth Vader than at least Alexis Carrington. Silas is merely every
frat-boy date-rapist from every tv-movie I've ever seen and Lindsay and
Brandon are like Boss Hogg and Cletus from the Dukes of Hazzard. Bumbling
oafs with power.

The little psychos embrace as a "team." When is Frank gonna send them out
on a snipe hunt?

back at Boron, the good tribe is eating their food, which Clarence equates
with grits, but Farmer Tom equates with something that rhymes with grit.
Tom is loosing weight. We get a little interlude of CB and Tom trying to
get some palm fruit from the trees--Tom almost kills himself trying to
climb up one. Then they through rocks at it (I couldn't believe they
didn't play banjo music during all this), finally bringing down a few.
Turns out, they suck.

Back at Samburu, the evil children are still in their comas--all that sleep
can't be good for them. If they would get active maybe they'd adjust to
their environment. Anyway, Linda and Frank have to wake them up cuz the
reward challenge is in half an hour--I wish they'd slept through it,
wouldn't that be great? Linda insists that one of the powerful ones read
the letter--Linda is so passive aggressive, which normally drives me nuts,
but since it was all directed at Lindsay I just laughed and laughed :)
When Linda invaded Lindsay's space with a hug of hostility, I laughed even
harder :D
Silas senses it's time for the team captain to rally the troops and he
"takes a knee" and tells the older folks, "Dad gum it, let's work this
out!" Now, when Tom says "Ah couldn't get the dad-gone thing tuh open"
about the palm fruit, I believe him, but when Silas does his 'I'm just a
simple Tennessee bartender, dad gum it," routine he uses to seduce co-eds
and barflies, it makes me want to hurl. Rocks. At his purty little head.
Heck, that's probably where the rocks came from.

Linda tones down the mother Africa stuff and tells Silas he's got a lot of
damn nerve telling them they need to be a team when Lindsay and the gang
keep making it perfectly clear that there are wheels within wheels in this
game, and tribes within tribes, rubbing their noses in their eminent
departures.

Shoulda made her a necklace, Lindsay.

Silas tries to remind them," Look, you tried to get rid of Lindsay, so
things would be exactly the same if you'd won, only exactly the opposite.
You'd be voting us out. Sure, we'd probably have those pots fixed and more
water at camp, and it'd be a lot quieter...and you might be encouraging us
to get water with you, like you always did before...wait...what were we
talking about?" Linda insists she wouldn't have come back to camp trash
talking them and swearing, had mother Africa given the boomers the victory.

"It's over," Lindsay insists, "Time to move on and do what we say so that
we can win a million dollars. @#$&!" Linda gets all up in her grill and
freaks her out with her peculiar blend of sarcastic Yoda psychology,
telling her that "Sadness, anger really be. And to the dark side does
anger lead." Brandon is confused, 'Linda has two sides. One is all sweet
and hard-working as she proves by example how much better a person she is
than we are, and the other is all hostile as she holds a mirror up and
forces us to see how reprehensible and irritating we really are. I don't
like the either of them very much AT ALL, okay?"

Lindsay cries, "It's not like I'm not a total badass, because I hella am?
But I just felt all singled out by the drones--not like my loser peeps
aren't totally representin' for me? Because they TOTALLY are always with
me? But I'm really sensitive when people hate me, and for some weird
reason, it happens a LOT I pity the fool who doubts the strength of my
friendship bead coalition! @$#&!!!!"

Have we ever had so many pathetic people before? I mean, even Jerri, even
if she doesn't make it as an actress, she has...skills.
Intelligence--certainly she is very confident. But Silas, Lindsay and
Brandon are just... winning money on a game show is part of their life's
plan and without it, they don't even have self-worth. As you sit at home
infuriated by them, remember that they are very unhappy people, and no
amount of money will fill the holes in their souls and psyches. Silas will
still be a moral and mental vacuum covered with muscles and a stupid grin,
Lindsay will still be a manic-depressive screaming machine, and Brandon
will still be an utterly worthless little turd who mistakes attitude for
personality and game-show alliances for meaningful friendships. And Kim?
She's 29 and playing forth fiddle to these mouth-breathers, 'nuff said!

BUT THEY STILL WIN THE DAMN FOOD CHALLENGE! >:(

Tom managed to keep his pants up through the rope-net race, and Lex tumbled
across it like spiderman--Lex is sooo FREAKIN' COOL! But Good Old Kim
faltered and maybe cost them the race and Samburu won, even with Brandon,
no gay-bash intended, I got the tape to prove it--skipping across the ropes
like a little girl.

Back at Boron, Old Kim's lack of physical prowess (although I'd love to
look as good as that when I'm almost 60 and she looks like she could kick
my 30-year-old butt right now) is the topic of discussion. Ethan feels bad
for her, "I'm glad I've never been bad at anything, it looks like it feels
terrible!" When Kim tells him she's done fore, he tells her not to be so
sure. Clarence isn't so nice, reminding us, "being weak on those
challenges? There's nothing worse. It's even worse than manipulating a
situation so that you can steal food from your teammates--not that I did,
I'm just saying...let's say I DID eat the beans, it'd be because I really
loved my tribe, right?"

CB, for the record, I have neither forgotten OR forgiven.

Lex sort of agrees, "I may be cool, but not cool enough to see past Kim's
losing streak."

Kelly, one of the under-five's says "Losing sucks."

Back at Samburu, Silas counters with, "Winning rules! Morale is so good
now that we pulled together as a tribe." Actually, you'll note that
Samburu tends to win relay type challenges, where everyone is on their own,
not the ones that actually require them to work as a unit. "Flavor is KEY
for Silas," Silas enthuses, "Food make Silas strong!" Kim agrees as they
look at the bottles of flavorings they've won--but sadly, no Prozac. Of
course, the tikes want to rest before they go get water, even though Kim
keeps raving about how they need it, "We didn't get it very often before,
we were way more into being bratty and napping than in, like surviving?
But now that Carl isn't here to do everything, I guess we kinda have to
work. After naptime."

They all get water together and Brandon, bitchy as ever, confides in us,
"Since we voted out Carl, Frank stopped doing everything for us? I guess
to prove a point, or whatever, that if WE don't do anything, and they STOP
doing stuff...nothing will get done or whatever? Whatever!" Frank is
content to let
the comfort level drop and watch as the kids try to lead and take care of
business. They get back to camp and find themselves "in a heap of
trouble." All their water pots shatter. Fortunately, Carl is there to
show them how to--oh, yeah. Nevermind. Silas tries to get someone to do
something, but they just watch him examine the broken pots. Turns out,
Lindsey the leader isn't a bad-ass when it comes to problem-solving--she
has to lie down. Kim laments, "Why are we such a big bunch of losers? why
doesn't anything get done?" as the camera shows them all sitting around,
staring at the busted pots--their only means of boiling their water.
Samburu should be called "Wouldacouldashoulda." Things are gonna get
mighty dry--thank goodness Brandon has his chapstick!

Boron goes out as a tribe to fetch water and sees some cute monkeys. Then
Tom makes them halt when they see a really big animal. "We know thet the
cape buffalo is the most dangerous animal here in Africa--'cept for that
Lindsey girl when she gets all pumped up." Lex reminds us "This is real,"
for the second week in a row. Does CBS Legal make them say that? Of
course, the smart and good people of Boron stand there, following Tom's
instructions--can you imagine if Samburu encountered the buffalo on a water
run? Brandon, "Frank ordered us to STAND there, who does he think he is?"
Lindsay, "I'm not afraid of any of you and I'm sure as hell not afraid of a
cape buffalo--you here me? Bring those horns over here, I'll cut ya!
*@#$!" Silas *takes a knee*, "Frank, next time you want the whole tribe to
stop and avoid being gored to death by a dangerous beast, run it by Silas,
and if he--I....er...what were we talking about?"

Lex tells us they need to respect the land, everyone take one drink.

Back in real-life Samburu, Frank rousts the kids out of bed to fetch some
water. I love Frank, and I'm sorry I misjudged him. He cares about Teresa
and Linda so he wants them all to be comfortable. Lindsey doesn't want to
go, but does to prove to Frank that she's tough, "Tough enough to hike and
get water on only 11 hours sleep, OK? You don't want to mess with me,
*&$#!"

Silas wonders as they sleepily depart, "Why are we doing this?" Well
Silas, because Frank is both a natural leader and right about needing to
get water before it gets too hot, everyone does what he says. "But...he
didn't take a knee. Silas is confused." Aww, don't worry Silas, here's
something shiny to play with.

Immunity challenge involves taking fake camp and moving it to the top of a
hill and rebuilding it as you found it. Jeff tells them that two members
wait at camp to assemble it just as it was. Frank yells a lot, and Lindsay
snorts and pants and groans, intent on showing that she's SUCH a badass,
that she's going all out and playing with pain! @$#%!

My fave Lindsay moment was when she dropped her corner of the shed and
Frank ordered the skeletal Brandon to help her. But it's too late, Boron
wins immunity! After tonight, the teams will once again be evenly matched.

Frank carves his wife and kids names unto his torch as they prepare for
tribal council. Linda wishes him a happy birthday, and Frank makes my
heart sing with joy when he discusses "crossing enemy lines" should he
survive into the merger.

Back at Boron, everyone is glad that they didn't have to vote out Kim. Kim
is touched that no one wants her gone. Since they have nothing to do on
tribal council day, they take a nap--oh no of course they DON'T!! They go
on a hike! They explore this wonderful continent called Africa! They climb
up a big hill and gaze down at the wonder of God's creation.

Back at Samburu, evil still reigns. Lindsey gloats that tribal council
isn't so bad, "Because I won't be voted out you &*#$*$@#$'s!" Brandon
tells Lindsey he wishes he was the one with votes against him, and not poor
Lindsay, "I'd die for you Lindsay!" My sister Jen called me and gave me
this template: In His mind, Brandon is Sal Mineo to Silas' James Dean and
Lindsay's Natalie Wood (everyone pause to imagine Brandon dying in a hail
of gunfire), but really, you know Lindsay and Silas are going to spend the
next few months after Survivor ducking his phone calls.

Teresa wants to know who they're gonna vote out but the kids are to
strategic for that! Then Silas tells the boomers that they should all vote
for Lindsey--load her up with votes, which Lindsey tells us, makes soooo
much sense. I GUESS they're thinking that if only one person has votes
after the merger, that leaves only one person to protect in the case of a
tie vote?? In my opinion, its absolutely stupid because it means Lindsey
is totally exposed. Which may be part of "Silas' plan," I dunno. It makes
sense to the idiots, but really, they shoot themselves in the foot here by
asking it of the older folks who are irritated at being to do anything for
the good of the team--it's like being fired but asked to continue to buy
your old companies products. Brandon demands "the people--er--the person
being voted out should vote for Lindsay," He sounds like a six-year-old
playing Barbies whenever he opens his mouth. When Linda asks, "what's in
for us?" he snaps, "Nothing, nyah nyah!" Brandon lies and implies that it
was only this comment that led to his not telling them who they were voting
for, "When we asked you to take part in our asinine plan on your way out?
And you wouldn't help us stab you in the back for old times sake? That
left a bitter taste in my mouth!"

I want to beat Brandon to death with his own bony arm!

"The old people don't want to follow Silas's brilliant plan, Silas's had
hurts. Let's drop this," Silas mutters, wondering off to find some little
critter he can strangle to relax.

Linda hopes Mother Africa won't let spooky Silas win, cuz that boy just
ain't right! Case in point, Silas is confident he will win the million
dollars. Hokie Dokie!

At tribal council, Jeff can barely restrain his contemptuous amusement at
the prattling powerbase of Samburu and asks them if they've managed to
regroup and become a tribe. I guess Silas lies because it reflects on his
leadership skills if they are divided, "Jeff, last week was emotional,
especially on Lindsay who's emotionally unstable to begin with [the CBS
website calls her "temperamental"] Jeff. But Jeff, Silas is the house, and
we've united." Jeff nods, "He's lying, right Frank?" "He sure is. We all
hate each other." Jeff tries to consul the kids, reminding them that it
doesn't make any strategic sense to WANT to vote people out before the
merge, and to actively alienate members of your tribe. "Numbers are
important--and the bacteria that will be rapidly multiplying inside you
because your are too lazy fix your water boiling pots, can't vote." Silas
smiles,
"Jeff, is anything sure in this game? Just because no one's tried to win
through idiocy and alienation and sloth doesn't mean that Silas hasn't
figured out a way to make it work, right Jeff?" Jeff snarls, "How dare you
come into MY house and try to school me on Survivor! I'm Jeff Probst! ANd
you're an idiot! Even stoopid Sue knew enough to PRETEND to like Sean so
that they could use his blunt head like a club to help them beat down and
eliminate Pagong one by one! Frank and/or Teresa AREN'T on your side you
dumbass! They'll gladly vote with Boron to eliminate you!"

Lindsey interjects, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Jeff. What
you seem to be forgetting is that if the situation was reversed, we'd do
the same thing to them at the merge. If anything, we're even more petty
and vindictive. We'd sell them out to Boron so fast it'd make your head
spin." You mean from the hotel, Lindsey?

Jeff wonders if Lindsey has any regrets, "I'm a walking mistake! I'm a
badass, true, but I'm also really sensitive, and when people start
whispering? Start plotting with the Freemasons and space aliens that are
all around us to vote me off? It gets to you. The panic attacks start,
the anxiety, the 11 hour nightmares and moodswings---oh wait, that's
because I'm clinically depressed, not because of Survivor. I knew I should
have taken my Zoloft prescription, but I went with the necklace." Then
Jeff makes the mistake of trying to get some insight from Brandon, "Do you
ever go off by yourself--"

"I'm never alone ever! I've never had a healthy relationship in my life
Jeff, and I'm NOT gonna start now! This is my family, no one in my twenty
five year of life has meant more to me than these 3 total strangers who've
enlisted me in their game show alliance 10 days ago, OKAY?!" I've never
seen Jeff try so hard not to laugh in someone's face.

The vote. The boomers vote for Silas, against his professed wishes, but
who knows, that might help the kids. Am I right that CB and Lindsey are
now tied 4 votes all? Still, at the moment, no one else in Boron has
votes, do they? The kids all vote for Linda, Silas grinning like an idiot
the whole time, "Our numbers are dwindling, just as ol' Silas has planned."
Lindsey becomes the first contestant in Africa to use the Survivor
euphemism for "eat grits and die" :"Linda, it's your time to go. @#&*!"
Linda tells them all to play fair, and the kids giggle like Abigail and her
little twits in "the Crucible."

Last week, Carl went out like Mad Dog--too soon, in the litigious Stacey's
spot. This week, Linda joins the only other black woman on survivor,
Ramona, in being voted out in week four. Ramona and Mitch were both axed
in week four for being weak.

Mitch thought he was part of a Jerri-Colby-Amber-mitch alliance, but, for
his own good and the good of the tribe, After losing three straight
immunity challenges, Colby voted out the weakest link. Last week, I said
none of the kiddies possessed the savvy of character to do this, but what
about Lil Kim? She's frustrated with losing, and not as enmeshed in
dysfunction as the others. What if she teamed with Frank and Teresa to
oust waste-of-space Brandon? Probably won't happen, but it could.

Next week and the week after will differ vastly from the others. Next
week, if you lose immunity, you are desperate to win the week after, so you
vote off a weak member. If Boron loses, Old Kim probably goes; Samburu,
Teresa. The week after, however, you're going into a new tribe and you
have to be looking out for yourself a little more. You vote out a strong
member who
might beat YOU in individual challenges, so you vote for Frank or Clarence.

I hate the kiddies, but hopefully, I think they're damned no matter what
they do.
Frank and Teresa are a liability to them going in, because they'll be
shopping for new team members--no way in heck either of them helps team
necklace advance. If they go in with a minority, they're completely
screwed, though
Silas probably thinks he can charm his way into victory. Farmer Tom might
have to learn him a dad-gum thing or two, I tell you whut!

Next week: CBS promises us an exciting event in the first fifteen minutes
of the game--a Survivor first--that changes the game FOREVER. It's not an
injury, as that's happened. Jen suggests someone just up and quits,
"Lindsey, cuz she sucks," were her EXACT words, but that's wishful
thinking. I think it's either a physical altercation, leading to the
ejection of a player (which happens on Road Rules or Real World all the
time) or some sort of rule change on CBS's part. Remember how in the first
year, one tribe had to move in with the other, and then they switched it up
on our gang last year and made them BOTH move? I think there will be an
early merge, or a double elimination (neither tribe gets immunity, both
have to vote one person out) OR they must each send one member to join the
other tribe OR they must send have their members to create a third tribe OR
it will turn out to be something totally lame that the CBS press machine is
blowing out of all proportion. Any other ideas?

And while I'm asking, please take part in my poll by e-mailing me at
cseghers@sprynet.com:

Which violent death would you rather witness:

1) Brandon being beaten to death with his own bony arm.
OR
2) Lindsay being beaten to death by a branch from the tree that kicked
her ass in week two.
OR
3) One clear night, Silas looks up at the stars, contemplates infinity for
the first time, and his head explodes.
OR
4) Kim is gored by a cape buffalo because in allowing evil she is complicit
and must be punished.

That being said, I can't wait for the next Survivor Thursday!!!! Peace,
Christine:)