Survivor Week 5: Best Hour Of Television EVER!!! :D

"It's a beautiful morning! I think I'll go outside
for awhile, and just smile!" Young Rascals 1968

Or, to paraphrase Yeats, "Things fall apart; the bead
necklace cannot hold."

As I sat at my desk at work, almost praying that my
VCR was taping "Survivor" ( I'm always overcome with
the shame of such a trivial prayer to actually
complete it), I heard the president saying some stuff
about unity and healing--how did he know Silas was
about to get the boot? The evil Silas, who wanted to
be Rich and had all the makings of a Jerri (who,
despite being hateful, lasted a few weeks into the
merger) has been banished in the 12th position
folks--the same spot as also-rans Dirk and Kimmi.
Silas is a Kimmi, hee hee hee hee.

Things looked promising for Silas earlier this week,
when Gen X heroine Laura "Half-pint" Ingalls defeated
Boomer icon Rhoda Morgenstern in the SAG elections.
But week 5 had nothing to do with age and everything
to do with justice--Survivor style!

We begin with yet another display of bad behavior as
Lindsey and Silas jump all over T-bird and Frank for
not going along with "Silas's plan" to load Lindsey
with all the votes and voting for Silas instead.
Silas wants answers, "Where is the logic in voting for
Silas? Just admit it's because you're jealous of
Silas! Silas is too pretty so you voted against him,
SAY IT!" Kim sits off by herself, she knows she's
drowning in a sea of loserdom but she doesn't know how
to swim. Lindsey barks, "This is just the boomer way
of punishing us! We've told them that they are
irrelevant and can now only serve to help us kids get
the million dollars? And they're all like, looking
out for themselves instead, #$%&!"

Brandon cautions the amped and angry Silas, "Don't
talk when you're emotional, sweetie, you have enough
trouble sounding coherent when you're calm."
Realizing (way too late after his stunningly childish
display towards Teresa EARLIER THAT DAY) that
alienating Teresa and Frank is actually
counterproductive since at least one of them should
survive into the merge to turn on them (tee hee hee),
Brandon then tries to make nice, "T-Bird, honey, if I
had been in your position, I'd do the exact same
thing." But Lindsey won't hear that, "Oh brave and
noble, sir, don't insult yourself so! You would never
exhibit such ghastly behavior! #$%&!" and Brilliant
Brandon, RIGHT IN FRONT OF TERESA, replies, "Hello! I
know! OBVIOUSLY, I'm a much better person than Teresa
is, but we have to PRETEND to get along with them so
they'll go along with our genius plan, OKAY? Teresa,
hurray for you for voting for Silas, you GO girl!"

Meanwhile, Silas continues to spar with Teresa:
Teresa: "2 + 2, Silas." "What does 5 have to do with
anything Teresa? You don't know anything about the
GAME, OK? It's called "Give Silas a million dollars"
and you're CHEATING!" Silas shakes his head at the
idiocy of Frank and Teresa, shooting themselves in the
foot just to spite him.

Tee hee hee :)

"He's a real nowhere man, living in his nowhere land,
making all his nowhere plans for nobody."

The sun rises on a beautiful day in Africa, and Frank
talks sense. It's still 2, 2, 2 tribes in one, and
the tykes are stupid to treat Frank and teresa like
they don't matter. Teresa is enjoying the
game--especially shaking the kids up last night.
Crazy Silas tells the camera, "They sent Silas a
message, Up mine! A.K.A, what the hell am I saying,
no one knows! It shows their maturity level.
Fortunatley, I'm rubber and their glue." Silas
explains that Frank and Teresa have lost sight of
proper game etiquette, unaware that CBS is about to
tear his playhouse down... ;D Then Brandon chimes in
about how the others don't seem to realize that they
can't treat teresa and Frank like trash to their
faces, at least until the merger, which...kinda leaves
a bitter taste in my mouth.

MAIL TIME!!!!!!! :D :D :D

Lex comes back to camp, looking so FREAKING COOL in
his shades, with a weird letter, telling the tribe to
send three members on a quest while the others remain
behind. Clarence suggests that they all go, while he
stays behind to guard the beans, but no one goes for
it. Tom, Lex and Kelly head out.

Samburu gets a slightly different letter:

Dear Silas, "Head like a hole, black as your soul,
We'd rather die than give you control!" Love and
Kisses, CBS. PS send three people on a quest!

"Wow, that sounds like walking? And like, work?"
Brandon deduces, "T-Bird, Frank, why down y'all go."
Silas goes along with them to keep them in line. Tee
Hee hee:)

The six wandering survivors find Jeff standing in the
road where they were dropped off two weeks ago. He
announces that there will be a switch. They are now
part of the opposing tribe. Tom, Lex, Kelly and
Silas appear crushed. Frank and Teresa not so much.

Now, if any of your lame not-Survivor-watching pals
start accusing the show of Jerri-mandering the
district just to hurt the annoying kids, be sure to
tell them that Survivor is a game show, and game shows
have been regulated by law ever since the quiz show
scandals f the 1950's. The decision to pull a switch
had to have been made before the game started,
otherwise Mark Burnett goes to jail.

In other words, the Humiliation and Destruction of
Silas Gaither was ordered by Fate. WoooHoooo! Destiny
rules!

Lex, Kelly and Tom trudge towards the enemy camp.
Kelly declares, "I'm sooo glad I'm not a member of
Samburu--D'OH!" Lex is so freaking cool, he came up
with a great nickname" Samboo-hoo. If you only knew
how hard I've been trying to come up with a mean fake
name for Samburu. :( You've won this round, Lex!

Are Brandon and the girls gonna be crushed when they
realize Silas isn't coming back? Does an antelope
crap on the savanna? Uh, that was a rhetorical
question, CBS....ewwwww.

The Gen X jerks embrace their new teammates, smiling
through the unbearable pain of losing both the muscles
and the BRAINS *shudder* of the napster alliance. The
best laid plans of brats and badasses often go awry...

At Boron, Ethan laments the break up of the cool-guy
alliance, "All my hard work, pretending to need those
bozos, ruined. Oh well, at least Tom's buttcrack is
gone." Ethan possesses the casual confidence of a guy
who people *usually* like, and who *usually* wins.

Silas lays out like he's posing for "Playgirl" (don't
be surprised, either...) "It might seem bad for Silas
to be separated from three pathetic slugs who depended
on him, and sent into a tribe that already has two
athletic guys, and sent along with two people who have
vowed to destroy me even at their own expense should
the opportunity ever...wait, what were we talking
about?"

Back at Samboohoo (yeah, yeah, thanks Lex), Lindsey
laughs, "So, like, are you a bunch of good-for-nothing
losers like us or are you *eyeroll* "workers" like the
mean old people we got rid of? @%!" Lex looks like
someone ran over his dog. "I'm cool," Lex explains,
"but being paired with whiney bastards is still a
shock." Like being traded from the St. Louis Rams
to...Hell. "What the hell kind of slip-shod camp are
you running here?" Lex wonders, "Don't you have any
wood? That's NOT what I mean, Brandon." Brandon
scowls, "You're not the boss of us, Silas is and he's
coming back *sniff* I don't care what you say,
Waaaaaaah!"

Lindsey whines, "We had it all figured out, and CBS
was gonna give us a million dollars so that we never
have to, like, work? Or listen to anyone else, like,
ever again? And then they like, changed the rules?
It's sooo unfair, %$#&!" I actually have to agree
with Lindsey: I myself hate it when someone throws a
loop *at* me, and when there's a kink in the loop?
Whoa Nelly, time for me to take a nap!

Can anyone name me ONE single whiner from a previous
season?? Goodnight, this year is crawling with 'em.
For now, tee hee hee :D

Great moments in Survivor: Lex tries to use a broken
kettle to boil much-needed water, while Lindsey sits
nearby and braids her hair, "Sigh, whatever. Yeah,
Frank and Carl were all into that too, what EH ver."
Lex is baffled, "It looks like the lazy people have
been running the camp--how can that be?" Oh poor,
naive little Lex, just you wait.

I have nothing against tattoos per se, but an
eightball with a knife through it? Lex, you're too
FREAKIN' COOL to be trying *that* FREAKIN' HARD.

Great moments in Survivor, part 2: Brandon assures the
newcomers, "Yeah, we've pretty much used up all the
wood in Africa." Lindsey agrees, and warns, "There's
like trees and stuff? But be careful--they like,
attack, *!" The montage of Lex, Tom and Kelly
building up a heaping pile of firewood as Brandon
looked on was so classic.

Kelly finally develops a personality in this one:
bitter refugee from Cooltown, exiled into Sucksville.
"It's like, going through Hell Week, getting into a
sorority--but still having to live in like, the
dorms!?" Ah, CBS is a cruel master. Kelly is
actually YOUNGER than Brandon and the girls if you can
believe it. She vows to destroy Samboohoo from the
inside. I like your moxie, kid!

Brandon and Lindsey rest in those cocoons like the
lazy larvae they are. Lex says he's going to get
water. "Cool, thanks. It's kinda far. Be careful
not to get too muddy, it's like soooo gross getting
water." They're like a fish-out-of-water script, but
screw the life-lesson, you're praying for a shark to
show up.

Loved Tom mocking the brats as they wait for firewood
and money to fall out of the sky. At the water hole,
Lex and Tom are horrified when they find the slimy
mudhole. "Slimy? Mudhole? Our water hole this is!"
Lindsey barks, "It's hella harsh, huh? Aren't we
total badasses for drinking it?" Tom and Lex do a
little irrigation work, unjamming the water hole so
that it's...liquid. Yee.

At Boron, Silas laments, "Silas was on the good side,
kickin' back, taking a knee every once in a while when
leadership was called for, receiving tributes of beads
and food from my people...now these bad people are
making Silas...wo...wo...work?" Frank helps Ethan
collect firewood with Ethan, "So...you're doing chores
and...how old did you say you were, 27? WEIRD."

Clarence and Silas, both mistaking muscles for
strength nearly come to blows, "You're the MAN," "No,
YOU'RE the man," "No, Dammit, YOU'RE THE MAN!!"

The role of T-bird will now be played by Sissy Spacek.
She tells Good Old Kim about the horror that was
Samboohoo, "But me and Frank, we weren't gonna abide
that, no sir!" Silas, still in centerfold-mode, seems
to be amused at how happy Frank and Teresa are now
that they aren't on the cutting board anymore,
"Whatever," he smiles, "Doesn't SiIas look pretty?".
Later, Frank and Teresa tell the whole tribe a spooky
campfire tale about a stupid crazy bartender and his
love-struck followers, "They are Gen X, they are
Legion!" Kim, Clarence and Ethan shake their heads at
the shocking story, while Silas sits off by himself,
thinking, "Frank and Teresa are so bad at playing this
game!" Heh heh heh. :) Then Frank and Teresa tell the
others "Lindsey has four votes. Silas has three." Ha
ha ha :D

Frank and T-Bird: happy at last! Silas is...confused.


At Samburu, the kids make it easy for Kelly, Tom and
Lex to plot in secret by waking up before 10am--those
sneaks! Tom thinks all the brats are equally useless,
"Two whiney girls, and a queer." Two girls, a queer
and a muddy waterhole--coming this fall to CBS! Lex
concludes, "Frank was in the army, he MUST hate
queers, No way he doesn't vote for him at least once.
" Tom nods, "I dunno what the hell part of Texas
that boy could be from, " but Lex shrugs and reminds
him, "Eh, I mean, Vanilla Ice is from Dallas." Kelly
vows never to become like the other kids, and drags
some firewood back to camp just to prove her point.

Lindsey watches from her napping-pod, "This game is
soooo hard," she whimpers. "Life is hard too, but at
least there's like, Aquafina? And restaurants and
stuff?" Then she assures the other turds that "None
of them have 4 votes like poor me. None of them are
as vulnerable as me." So, having 7 votes...would be
bad, Lindsey? Interesting. Kelly tells us they MUST
find out who has votes so they can win at tribal
council. "If immunity is physical, we lose," she
assures us--cut to: camp sack-of-crap, and the lazy
beans snoozing. Remarkable, Kelly refers to Kim as a
"physical threat," and thinks Brandon is the most
likeable. Or did she mean as a target? I didn't
follow. Brandon might be playing it smart and
down-playing the bitchy uselessness thing. Wait...did
I just say that?

Then...and this is what reality TV is really all
about, a tick digs itself into Lindsey's famously bad
ass and Lex and Tom use hot water to burn it out.
"That's what happens when you allow Mother Africa to
see your broken spirit, bead-girl," Linda cackles from
her living room couch. Many of you may have been a
little disturbed or perhaps offended at Tom
rhapsodizing over Lindsey's posterior ("Kinda brung a
whole new meaning tuh the phrase "reward challenge,
hyuk"), but i was touched. Turns out, Tom likes ALL
buttcracks equally, not just his own!

Reward challenge for chickens, everyone take one
drink. A bunch of African tribespeople are on hand to
watch those wacky Americans try their hand at
goat-herding. This is great for CBS, who count the
Kenyan by-standers when asked about network diversity,
"We have scads of black people on CBS. And gay
people. Or as we like to call them, queers." Jeff
gloats about the tribe switcheroo and looks right fine
doing so in blue denim shirt and cowboy
hat--yeeeeeehaw. The goats were very cute, i thought.
Lots of running and yelling, Boron wins. Lex and
Kelly look on in despair, that used to be their
playground....

Back at Samboohoo, their is MUCH boohooing. Kelly
tries to be encouraging, but Lindsey interrupts, "Uh,
you're new and everything, so I'll cut you some slack?
but this is the time when I cry and sulk and everyone
tells me what a badass I am, okay? &*#@!" Lindsey
can dish it out, but she can't take it. Then she
cries about how she misses Silas, about how
everything's changed, "I HATE it here soooo much, I
don't want to leave." Zuh? Then her "Manic major"
alter comes out, ordering everyone around, "Failure is
NOT an option, troops. I'm PUMPED, and you'd better
be too if you know what's good for you, &*%#!!"
Everyone else blinks incredulously.

Brandon wants to draw attention away from Lindsey the
vote-laden one and is irritated that Lil Kim is trying
to be liked. Brandon cracked me up complaining about
being the man of the tribe now that Papa Silas is
gone, "The girl's are sooo whiney and pathetic and
stupid, I have to do ALL the thinking, and that is
soooo not me. It's so lucky that I'm gay because I
HATE girls, even though they are my bestest bestest
friends." That was actually funny, but Brandon still
hella bugs.

The world does not owe you a dang thing, Brandon.
There is no tip jar on the counter of life.

At Boron, Old Kim and T-Bird exchange information: Kim
tells T-Bird about Clarences moral lapse with the
beancan. The good people are flocking together.
Loved Old Kim's assessment of CB's friendship with
Silas, which she sees as sincere, "He's foolish that
way." The cream is rising to the top, as T-bird and
Frank leap over CB in the pecking order of New boron.


Ethan suggests to Kim that they throw the immunity
challenge, even though that goes against the SACRED
SOCCER CODE. As he sees it, it's win win: Win= win
immunity. Lose: win "lack of Silas." Immunity
challenge is the Giant Puzzle challenge. Lots of
yelling and running. Inserts of EThan and Kim
standing around imply they thew the race, but it's not
conclusive. Lindsey huffs and puffs so everyone can
see how she's doing her best to be a bad-ass, despite
the horrible pain! Silas starts blabbering, "look at
the colors, colors mock Silas, make Silas MAD!"
Samburu wins. Jeff looks at Silas and says, :You know
what's coming next, don't you Silas? I do. Turns
out, I know a thing or three more about Survivor that
you, plan-boy." Lindsey takes the immunity idol and
makes sweet unnatural love to it.. I'll bet some of
you who don't actually watch the show are laughing
because you think I made that up.

I wish >:p

Back at Boron, Silas lures Ethan out of camp to try
and outsmart him, "I hate Frank. Frank is the real
enemy, he's a master of stragery and manamanipulation!
You , whew, you can't believe what a threat he is!"
It's all Ethan can do not to roll his eyes
contemptuously at Silas, "Look, I'm not an airheaded
girl and I'm not a lovestruck homosexual. You have no
power over me! I'm Ethan. I'm not threatened by
Frank or anyone else." This confuse Silas, so Ethan
begrudgingly says, "CB's a threat, vote for him.
We're all voting for CB." "Ethan, brother, you can
count on my help. Frank loves me, I can manamanipulate
him into voting for CB. Trust me. You rule, Ethan."
But he failed to *take a knee* and doesn't make the
sale.

Then it's Kim's turn to play with Silas's widdle brain
a little, "So are you in an alliance?" "Uh, hyuk,
yeah with the three little pigs back at my old Samburu
home!" "Are you in an alliance Silas." "No!
We...we...we're just four people who like to sleep in
and make crafts together, if some people want to call
that an alliance...wait a minute, what are we talking
about?" Kim tells us, "I don't want to say anything
too mean about Silas, in case he's mildly retarded,
but that boy just ain't right."

Later, Silas slyly sneaks off with Ethan, "Hey,
you...no not you Kim, Hey, ETHAN. Look at me! Let's
*wink wink* go get some wood *wink wink*" This time,
Ethan doesn't even bother hiding his contemptuous
eyeroll. He stalks off with Silas, "What? What the
hell do you want?" Silas is snarfing down some food
as he talks, but tragically, doesn't choke to death,
"So are we voting for Frank? Or CB." "WE ARE VOTING
FOR CB." "So, be straight with me, brother, it's
Frank?" "WE ARE NOT GOING TO VOTE FOR FRANK. WE ARE
VOTING FOR CB!" "Look, we have to decide, soon!"
"How can you stand there and call yourself a soccer
player?! Out of my sight, inferior!"

Ethan is actually almost being kind here, because
telling him to vote for CB is plausible: Had Silas the
sense of an African Ass-tick, he'd lobby to get rid of
CB--a physical threat for individual immunity who has
angered Kim and Ethan severely in the past. But in
Silas-land, there's still the chance for him to bring
down Frank. Silas demands that Ethan look him in the
eye when he says they aren't voting against Silas.
"We're voting for CB. Vote for CB. We aren't voting
for you," He's not even slightly convincing, but it's
Silas, he doesn't have to be.

Silas, lacking the sense to be scared, tells us that
"Tribal Council is going to rock! It's either me or
CB going, for SURE, it's so awesome." Here, Silas is
like the sad little kid who calls backseat middle,
just so that they get what they "want."

Tribal Council :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Jeff begins, "Silas, why don't you humiliate yourself
one more time before you go--something for me to
remember you by."

"Sure thing, Jeff. Jeff, I've played sports my whole
life, football, baseball, soccer (Ethan wails in
agony, "Unworthy! Unworthy!") and whatnot, and if
there's one thing I've learned Jeff, it's that when
you have the same color shirt as someone else? You're
on the same team, no duh!" Jeff smiles, "Frank, Boron
kicks Samburu's ass, doesn't it?" "Absolutely. Not
only do these guys let you work, they actually help.
They don't make necklaces and when they hate you, they
don't rub your face in it--why, CB still thinks he's
goat a shot at winning this whole thing!" *Everyone
laughs* Jeff asks CB if he's threatened by having
another Alpha male in camp. "Silas is dumber AND less
moral than me, that can only help me in the voting."
Silas smiles, "That's right buddy, I'm glad to be on
your tribe too brother!"

We don't see any of the voting until CB, who doesn't
vote for Frank like Silas said to, he votes for SILAS,
saying, "I love you man, but I can't trust you." I
forgive AND forget, Clarence Black, you have chosen
well. Silas VOTES FOR FRANK, the mind reels. Jeff
reminds the bunch, "Once the votes are counted, the
decision is final. Silas will be asked to leave
immediately." The votes are tallied, and when Silas's
name comes up a third time, Silas looks at Ethan. I'm
certain that Silas did this so that when he gets home
and tells the story of how he was *betrayed,* he can
say to his buddies, "Ethan pretended to be my friend,
and then he voted against me. That coward couldn't
even look me in the eye!"

EXCEPT. :D :D :D

Ethan looks right at him, not even slightly ashamed of
his actions or intimidated by Spooky Silas. "Get of
my soccer field, plan-boy." Silas grins like an
idiot. I'll bet he rashes his hotel room.

The tribe has spoken. A nation rejoices. The evil
Silas is vanquished.

Perhaps you all help, as he barely edged lindsey in my
"death poll," though most of you voted for a four way
tie.

This weeks poll: What would make you laugh harder:

A) Silas calls you, "manamalipitive."

B) Brandon calls you, "Annoying."

C) Lindsey calls you, "A pathetic, weak, psychotic,
neurotic, punk-ass crybaby"

D) Kim calls you, "Invisible."

In parting, Jeff cryptically implies that the tribes
won't merge, as they've been assuming. Hmmmm. My
guess, they merge when their down to 8 instead of 10,
but we will see. The best show on TV just keeps
getting better. I'm gonna be riding this
until...Lindsey runs wee wee wee all the way home.
Let's hope Ethan, CB or Kim pass the info about
Lindsey onto their exiled Samburu allies during a
challenge (seems simple, is it legal?). Old Boron
remains seperate but strong, while the rift in Old
Samburu continues to slice up both tribes.

I predict Lindsey and Clarence as next on the chopping
block, now that the peace, order and justice have been
restored to the Surviovr world. Peace, Christine :)