Survivor Africa Week 6

Ahh, so satisfying. Lindsey's bad-ass is sitting on the couch at home in
the Joel/Michael spot--reserved for those with big plans that didn't
*quite* paella pan
out...

Night at Boron, the local critters are scoping out the chicken coop. Ethan
is ticked that Jeff and CBS might be changing the game up on him AGAIN.
Not that Ethan's *really* worried about the rest of the competition--being
a professional athlete and all, it's just a tad disconcerting that they're
running out of food.

I find Ethan's floppy hair...bewitching.

Clarence is all ears when he hears the food might be gone, and wonders,
"Should we ration the food, or what? We need to figure this out. Why
don't you all go for a walk tomorrow while I stay behind with the
chickens..."

Back at Samburu, The Boron refugees are *surprise!* doing all the work,
staying up all night doing guard duty, getting the water, boiling the
water, etc. Lindsey the Leader senses some tension and wonders how long
Lex and Tom's last fire-tending shift was. Lex replies, "Look, I'm cool,
but even I can't get by on two hours sleep everyday--our last shift was 5
hours long." Great moments in Survivor: Lindsey's laughably fake "Noooo
Way?! REALLY!?" AS IF she has any intention of getting less than 14 hours
of sleep.

New Samburu worries about the vote. Lex frets than Good Old Kim is a
goner, but Lindsey assures them, "Oh it was soooo hella Frank that got the
boot. He's such a terrible awful man. We are soooo divided, by the way,
you might want to file away that damaging information about our pathetic
tribe until the merge." Lindsey you are so Freaking Stupid! Everyone's
assuming a three three split. Hee hee hee.

Lindsey reminds Lil Kim for like, the eightieth time that she has four
votes, "Kim, you MUST PROTECT THE QUEEN." Then Lindsey transparently sucks
up to Tom and Lex, "Ohmigod you guys? I am sooo happy that you are in our
tribe, you so rock the party!" Then she confides in us, during a manic
cycle, that "I'm the type of person, when I set a goal, I totally achieve
it. Unless it has to do with, like, work? Or like, *real life* or
whatever? Or like, the goals my therapist helped me set?" Or like, not
crying for a certain amount of time--I'm just emotional OK? That's just
who I am!"

Boron, and the camera pans over the Boron National Beencan Memorial.
Clarence is--surprise!--obsessing over the food situation. If I were
starving, I'd probably sock CB in the stomach if he kept mentioning food
every thirty six seconds. CB reminds me of Esau selling his birthright to
Jacob for a bowl of Chunky Soup--it could happen to Clarence if he's not
careful. The chickens haven't produced eggs yet, and CB wants to cook them
up.

They have four chickens. Why was the idea of merely killing one of them
such an ordeal?

Reward challenge, and another lame poem. Maybe it's the rhyming that's
tripping them up, they should switch to haiku:

Answer as a team
Travel down the bleachers quick
Mountain Dew awaits

The moment we waited all we to see--the tikes discover that their
beautiful Silas is gone. Jeff is beaming, he can't wait to twist the
knife, "So, are you little idiots surprised?" "No, we knew it would be
Silas, we hated him," they lie, but their little black hearts are
breaking:) Good Old Kim flashes "L" and "4" to her old tribe, as in
"Lindsey has four votes against her!" but they mistake it for sign
language. :0

Jeff does his little endorsement of Mountain Dew: Nectar of the Gods!
Samburu has Tom sit on his crack during the smarts test 9i don't really
know *why* you would need someone to sit out in this sort of challenge, but
it works for Boron, they win the feast of sandwiches and, more importantly,
Mountain Dew. In reality, the sodium content of soda would seem to me to
be counter-productive, especially to the mud drinkers. They snarf out, and
Lindsey desperately toasts to the new "Hella Awesome Samburu! I'm gonna
make you all necklaces, I swear! Please don't hate me!" I was glad that
Tom and Lex and and Kelly got to eat the food, even if it also benefited
the turds. They do have the muddy water, and Boron has good water and
chickens.

Lil Kim gets sick from gorging herself, and her "good friend" Brandon makes
fun of her and almost causes her to barf, but she keeps it down. The
Mountain Dew people let out a collective sigh of relief. Lindsey is
impressed, "It is such a testament to Kim's character that she didn't
puke--Carl said we were weak, but this proves that we are strong. When I
saw that Silas was gone, my heart just sank. It'll be hard to win the
million dollars without him, but, whatever. Kim and Brandon will still do
whatever I tell them." Kelly shoots up my own personal Survivor Billboard
chart, as she uses her "behavioral researcher analyst" training to
manipulate the little idiots. 'Yay, we got rid of Silas, doesn't that
rock?" And Lindsey has to lie, "yeah, he was such a big meanie. I'll bet
he is soooo pissed right now." Wouldn't you all love to see the looks on
Carl and Linda's faces at the hotel when Silas shows up? tee hee hee.

Kelly continues to sift through Lindsey's tiny brain, "So, I guess there
was a 3 to 3 vote, right? And Silas had votes against him?" Lindsey is
quick to assure her, "Yeah, Silas was the ONLY person to have votes in our
tribe, the jerky old people hated him because he was so young and pretty.
Frank tried to get him to join an alliance with him? And Silas was too
noble, too pure of heart to go along with it, and Frank FREAKED out and got
all the old people to vote for Silas." "Wow," Kelly replies, "That makes
absolutely no sense, but you have told me that Boron can destroy you after
the merge because Old boron is strong and Old Samburu is weak, so thanks!"

Lindsey confides to the camera, "It turns out, being a psycho bitch and
treating Teresa and Frank like human garbage wasn't such a good
strategy--my bad!"

Kelly moves on to Brandon, "So, Silas and Frank must've voted for each
other, right?" "Oh Frank is HATEFUL!" Brandon agrees, "He didn't like any
of us, and you can bet, when the merge happens? He'd MUCH rather vote out
one of us than one of you," Brandon assures her. I love Kelly. Brandon
does his revisionist history thing again: "I kept telling Silas and Lindsey
not to be insufferable, but they wouldn't listen to me and this is what
they get," even though his behavior was just as bad.

That shot of the gazelle or whatever walking down the path--and then it
splits apart and we see its really two gazelles? Rocked.

Back at boring Boron, we have more discussions about the danged chickens,
and whether they dare eat one, *siiiiiiiigh*. CB is obsessed with
chickens. Theresa is charmed, "He may be a bean-can thief, but he's sweet
and dad gum it, he works, which is more than I can say for those varmints
back at Samburu." Frank making a little backyard for the chickens was so
darn cute. Oh how I misjudged thee, dear Frank. CB tells the chickens if
they lay just one egg, he will spare them. Otherwise, "It's tribal council
for one of you." Cut to: the pensive chickens, as they contemplate their
voting strategies.

Meanwhile, back at Samboohoo, Kelly continues to play Lindsey like a
violin, "I feel so vulnerable, please adopt me into the necklace sorority!"

Lindsey tells us, "Of course Kelly is trustworthy--she's 22. So
*obviously* she's not one them, she's one of us. Tom and Lex are like
married? And have kids? Kelly is single, and she acknowledges my power,
that's all I need to know." Brandon agrees, "Of course the new people
adore us, I mean, look at us! We're young, we're pretty and thanks to
me, our lips aren't chapped and with our bead necklaces we've even managed
to be well-accessorized while napping on safari!"

Brandon frets to Kim that if they go to vote, the others will assume he at
least one vote from Frank and it will go to a tie-break. Kim sighs
heavily, "So study the manual, that's where they get the questions from,
dumbass!" "You're not seeing the big picture, Kim. They like you better
than me and its not fair, nyah nyah nyah! Waaaah waaaah waaah! You should
try to me more annoying so maybe they'll vote for you and you'll have to
take the stupid survival quiz, waaaah!" Then he raves to the camera, "I
know it might benefit me to be nice to these people, but unlike Kim, I
haven't gone out of my way to do so. I mean, being friendly is hard and
why
on EARTH, would you want to talk to people like that? Kelly's OK, I mean,
she's 22 so *obviously* she's against the grown-ups, but Tom is all FAT and
whatever? And Lex with all those tattoos? No Thanks!"

At Boron, everyone is greatly amused when one of the chickens lays one egg,
infuriating CB. But, they all decide to cook one of the chickens anyway,
"BeGoOOOCK, that's wasn't part of our deal, BeGoooooCK!" Didn't it seem
like Vegetarian Ethan was chowing down on chicken or did I imagine it? I'm
sure if Ethan chose to violate his own personal moral code, he had a VERY
VERY good and legitimate reason, so shut up! Ethan is righteous and true!
I will not hear otherwise!

Kelly tells Lex and Tom she thinks Good Old Kim was trying to send her a
message, "At first I thought she was throwing gang signs, but then I
remembered that she's a 57-year-old white woman. Then I remembered she
knows sign language!" But despite the fact that they think she showed
them "L" for Lindsey, they still want to vote for Brandon because, "frank
was in the army, therefore he's a homophobe, therefore he voted against
Brandon at least once." SIGH. I was much afeared! Meanwhile, Lil Kim
informs the other punks that Old Kim was giving them signals, sending
Lindsey into one of her woe-is-me paranoia jags.

Brandon thinks he has a shot because they are singling out Tom, "He's the
oldest, he's the dumbest and he's soooo the least attractive, don't even
get me started! If it's a tie-breaker situation, I'm all over it. I can't
conceive of a question they could ask me that I wouldn't know and Tom
would. Unless it's about farming or something. Or, you know...work, or
real life or whatever. I'm prepared to lay down my life to keep Lindsey in
the game--I MUST protect the Queen! And I'm brave and noble enough to do
it, I don't care what my dad says!" The brats share a group slug-hug.

It will be their last, BWAH HAH HAH!

Ethan and Teresa hope that the good Boron's got the clue about Lindsey
having four votes against her as they go to pick up the mail:

"Shoot these arrows straight
Set the tribal masks on fire
For immunity"

"Golly Teresa, isn't Frank an avid hunter and marksman? Could he not teach
us to shoot these arrows?" "Land sakes, Ethan sir, I do declare you are
right!" Frank teaches them to shoot.

Lindsey has to relinquish her lover, the immunity idol, back to Jeff. It
leaps into his arms. Kelly is chosen to sit out the archery. Badass
Lindsey lights up a target, dammit! Brandon squeals and then almost lights
himself on fire. Every gay "Survivor" fan in America reminds their
straight friends how good Rich was with that spear-fishing, yessir! Old
Kim lights up a target, yaaaay! I have to admit, Lex really did look
pretty FREAKIN COOL on this one. It comes down to Lindsey needing to hit a
target....and she chokes! Boron wins the pennant! Boron wins the pennant!
:D

The immunity idol is relieved to find itself wrapped in Ethan's gentle
embrace, as he gives it a gentlemanly kiss on the forehead.

Boy do things get real interesting at Samboohoo at this point! Lex has a
man to man with Brandon, and Brandon snaps, "You just want to know if I
have a vote, well I'm not gonna tell you, nyah nyah!" Lex is taken aback
and says, "Look Brandon, I'm cool. Too cool to vote for one of you slugs
without
telling you that if we *do* vote for you, it's nothing personal--we think
you're all just super." "That's fine, I've been waiting my whole life to
validate my existence on a game show: come tribal council, it's Brandon's
time to SHINE!"

The little piggies give themselves a pep talk, but oink a bit to loudly,
and Kelly overhears the whole thing: namely, that they've always felt
fairly confident with Brandon as the designated target. When the brats
realize what's happened, Lindsey's Mood-Mountain bike downshifts from
"Bossy confidence" into her
"Whiny paranoia" gear, "It's me, they're all out to get me! Why!?! Oh
lord, WHY do bad things happen to bad-ass people!?" Kim tells her to chill
and that the votes are gonna happen the way they're gonna happen and she'll
just have to deal with
it--in a decidedly "I'm so sick of your crap, Lindsey" voice, I thought.

But Lindsey ain't trying to hear that, and she comes up with a plan: serve
up Brandon to the Boron three. She decides that Brandon essentially
deserves being stabbed in the back because he was being loud (even the
though the whole conversation came about because the pathetic Lindsey
needed YET EVEN MORE reassurance) and, after all, without king Silas,
there's no real "Bead necklace tribe" anymore anyway, right? Oh Lindsey,
how could you sink so low? "I feel soooo bad about even *thinking about*
betraying Brandon, but on the other hand, better him than me." So, she
goes to Kelly, "I can't believe I'm even considering this
but...PLEEEEEEEEASE carry me into the merger! I'm desperate, I'll vote for
Brandon and whoever else you tell me to!" Last week it was Ethan
suppressing a contemptuous eyeroll with Crazy Silas, this week it's Kelly,
who pretends to be interested ("You'll surrender Brandon?" she asks
doubtfully) but has a very definite 'You are sooooo out of her, Lindsey."
look on her face. Kelly gets Lindsey and audience with Big Bear Tom and
says the same thing--but she's no fool! She wonders what would happen if
she and Kim DON'T betray Brandon! Tom shrugs, "Oh Well. It's not like we
need yer votes, little girl."

Lil Kim finally shows some character, declaring to the cameras that no
matter what Lindsey decides to do, Kim will not vote against Brandon
because, simple, "He wouldn't do that to me." Kudos Lil Kim. Lindsey is
now drunk with power--she cannot see the stupidity of her plan, only the
"genius" of it because it's a switcheroo--so it MUST be brilliant, "Do I
remain true to my morals, or do look out for number one the way i've been
doing my whole life? This is like, the hardest decision I've ever had to
make IN MY LIFE!!" And sadly, it probably IS.

Sigh. Tribal Council:)

Jeff asks the group about the new tribe, and Lex displays some diplomacy,
"I'm cool: too cool to disrespect the three little piggies, even as we
eliminate them one by one." Kelly agrees, "We're loyal to our tribe mates
at Boron, but...sure...we...uh...we could also be loyal to these new
Samburans, yeah...that's the ticket!" Take notes Lindsey and Brandon: it
makes no strategic sense to rub your noses in the feces that are your
stupid, foiled plan. Jeff asks Brandon how he feels about the trust, and
he claims not to trust anyone, not realizing that one of the two people he
actually *does* trust has been in negotiations to send him home early.
Jeff asks Kim about trust and she replies, "Unlike *CERTAIN PEOPLE* who
shall remain nameless, I have *NO INTENTION* of voting against *CERTAIN
OTHER PEOPLE* in the necklace bunch, OK?"

The vote: three votes Big Tom, three votes.....LINDSEY!!! :D

The looks on Lil Kim and Brandon's faces were classic, as was Lindsey's
"Don't cry for me, Samburu!" reassurances to her cronies that she's gonna
be OK. "I totally knew this was gonn happen and I'm a TOUGH ENOUGH to
handle it OK?" All the kids start crying and Lindsey gets up to leave and
Jeff has to yell at her, "I will tell you when you can leave "SURVIVOR:
AFRICA! There's still the tie-break! There is a protocol here! Plead
your cases!"

So Tom just shrugs and says, "I ain't Lindsey. I ehm who I ehm and Ahm
neht gohn change." WHAT!?

And Lindsey the alleged bad-ass, the "competitor" takes a dive, "I'm like,
the happiest person in all the world right now [unaware that millions of
viewers are so very very much happier]. Having never contributed anything
worthwhile to to the world or the people around me, I can only imagine it
feels this good. I was gonna sell out Brandon? But on the way up here, I
TOTALLY decided to stay true to him, and I'm so in love with myself right
now I can't STAND IT! How awesome am I?" Brandon lowers his head in
shock--so much for never being alone, eh there Bead boy? Lindsey is cast
out due to previous votes--and her own idiocy. The kiddies plan was
actually pretty smart: A tie between Big Tom and Brandon might have swung
there way--neither had votes, so it would come down to a quiz (we assume)
and Tom ain't much on booklernin' so who knows? But Lindsey is too
conceited and too stupid to realize that the second she suggested to Kelly
to vote for Brandon (which they we're PROBABLY going to do anyway), she
sealed all their fates. She *told them* that she was vulnerable. If she
had really wanted to betray anyone, she should have voted for Brandon in
secret.

So Lindsey puts on her game face and hugs her weepy "comrades" who should,
in her opinion, be *so proud* of her for deciding to do what they had all
agreed on instead trying to ingratiate herself with Boron, "Don't worry
about me, I'm awesome! I can get through this!" "At least you get to see
Silas," Brandon and Kim sniffle. Jeff declares, "Due to the unprecedented
mental instability of the Samburu kids, this has been the most emotional
tribal council EVER!" I actually thought it was a let down from the
emotional high of losing Silas, but I'll take it.

Bye Bye Lindsey! Next week (Okay, THIS week--I have a job and a life, OK?
Sheesh!) Thanksgiving Survivor for us. Will the merge happen this week as
"scheduled" in our minds? I suspect a week delay. Previously, we lost the
one post-merge non-juror, so I suspect we'll lose one more person most
merge and then everyone who gets voted after the merge is on the jury??

I have no earthly idea really--which is FUN! :D Clarence is the most
vulnerable from here on out--he's a physical threat for individual immunity
and he lost too much trust at the beginning of the contest to have build
any really strong alliances. He's toast the next time he's vulnerable. As
much as Brandon irritates the crap out of me, I'd honestly vote out Kim
first, both as more of a physical threat, and as someone who might be able
to form a new alliance somewhere.

That's what I love about losing the bullies: it makes the merge and all
subsequent votes so much more interesting. If Ethan, Lex and Tom re-from
the "cool guy alliance" after the merge, Kelly might join Old Kim, Teresa
and Frank in a different alliance. It's really difficult to say who has
the power going in--and that's the way we like it!:) Have a wonderful
Thanksgiving everyone--a "Survivor" Thanksgiving! Peace, Christine ;)