Survivor Africa week 7 and Recap Recap...

Greetings and sorry for the delay:) Between Thanksgiving and an
ever-increasing work schedule, something had to give, and it was the review
this week. Since it's recap week, no harm no foul, I hope :)

In this week's TV Guide, Matt Roush goes all crybaby about Survivor,
claiming that the game isn't fair because CBS switched the rules on the
little piggies. He says "Instead of playing the game, the game is playing
them," like that's a bad thing--I thought it was great television myself.
Roush can't pretend for a second he actually *likes* reality TV enough to
be fair about it. The media is jumping all over "Survivor" this year, due
to its declining (but still MORE than respectable) ratings. I wish they'd
just go back to fawning all over their precious and over-praised David E.
Kelly and Aaron Sorkin, and leave Survivor alone. I'd especially like it
if they'd treat it like a regular show, instead of having to come with all
sorts of social, moral, and philosophical theories as to why America loves
it, doesn't like it, etc. At the end of the day, it's *just* TV, and they
are *just* people who get paid a lot of money to rant and rave about it,
pretending its more important than it is to justify their own lives.

I, on the other hand, do it only for love. And attention. And praise.
And OK, if someone paid me, I'd take the money ;)

the recap was pretty weak, for those who passed on it. Just like last
year. Basically, we learned that Clarence and Frank are both *a lot*
stranger than we could ever imagine. CB is obsessed with his "war paint,"
preening for hours as he gets in "the zone," to the amusement of his
teammates, even though Lex realizes 'It's not cool to laugh at your
teammates, so I'm a little confused as to why I'm doing it, as I usually do
the *cool* thing."
Frank gears up for challenges by playing with his antlers...no, REALLY. He
smashes these little deer antlers into each other and into the sign. I
hate to agree with Lindsey on anything but...Frank is a freak.
We learn that Diane was even kookier and more annoying than we'd been led
to believe and that Linda apologized profusely to Lindsey after her,
"Didn't your momma ever hug ya?" crack. There was a very interesting scene
in which Teresa tried to unify old Samburu, back when they were all still
there, insisting, rather prophetically it turns out, 'We don't know what's
gonna happen to any of us down the line, we're gonna need each other."
Interesting now that Samburu is facing extinction.

It was all worth it, however, to see Ethan standing guard over his
tribesmen with a
spear in his hand, looking for all the world like some ancient Semitic
warrior king--if CBS makes a miniseries about King David, I *think* we know
who
to call...:) The main problem: CBS spends the whole hour on the people who
are gone, rahter than fleshing out the people who are staying--how does
that benefit new viewers?

Week 7

Did I call it or what? I know, I've been predicting CB's downfall since
Beancangate in week one. I almost felt bad for the guy, but he dug his own
ditch by not *really* apologizing for what he did--and he KNEW he needed
immunity, and still couldn't hold out, ala another week seven castoff,
jeffy jeff, who knew Ogakor knew he had votes but *still* quit on the
immunity test. In Season one, it was Gretchen who was axed at the merge, a
victim of naivetй--Pagong didn't vote as a block (sigh, they thought it
would be cheating), and the evil Tagi alliance struck down the game's
classiest player. Gretchen's ouster was the night we Survivor fans lost
our innocence.

Brandon is quick to jump off the Lindsey Train, "Can I just *say* how much
I hate Lindsey? I was soooo sick of her whining and all her paranoid
ravings--what ever happened to going out with dignity? All that crying?
Whatever!" You were crying too, Brandon, we even saw it on the recap.
Then he and Kim try to spin a revisionist tale of how Big Bad Silas and
Lindsey the powerful forced them into submission, "Lil ol' us, what were we
supposed to do, think for ourselves? Treat Linda and Carl like human
beings? Perform even the slightest task around camp to improve our
situation or that of those around us? So...uh....what do *you* guys want
us to do? 'Cause we'll do it, you guys RULE!" Tom gloats that the kiddies
are as nervous as a whore in church--uh, at least the proverbial whore has
the good sense to be humble, arrogant Tom.

Brandon, like a junior high nerd determined to change his image when he
changes schools, *brilliantly* decides that he will distance himself from
his ONLY FRIEND, Lil Kim, "I'll say hi and everything, but we are totally
sitting on different logs at meals. Now its all about individual
challenges. I'm going it alone, just the way I like it." But...I thought
you weren't going to be alone *ever* Brandon, I'm confused. So is Brandon.
Yes, immunity challenges *are* individual. So...unless you win immunity
every single time (like runner-ups Kelly and Colby almost did) you need
people to like you so you won't get the boot. Did any of these people
actually *watch* Survivor before they auditioned??

Back at Boron, everyone agrees the chicken was yummy. Clarence gets the
runs, then almost gets run-over by an elephant. Old Kim talks of how she
misses a good
Sunday brunch in bed with a cup of coffee and the paper. She has to
explain to Frank what "brunch" is, as he's never heard of it. Frank tells
the camera, "Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm a freaky difficult loner,
America. I will spend the next day or two making it *abundantly* clear, in
case I'd accidentally won some of you over to my side."

Lex, Tom and Kelly are thrilled to be in power at Samburu. Lex is
confident that they'll be in the final four (with Ethan, presumably). They
do a sort of modified cabbage patch to celebrate. Brandon can't shut up,
moaning to the camera, "This is hoooooorible. Now that Silas is gone, and
all I'm left with are these icky girls and fat ol' Tom and The Illustrated
Man? Yuck. Survivor is soooo inconvenient."

Lex's deep and abiding admiration of himself manifests itself this week in
THE UBER-SPOON, a utensil he makes as an offering of friendship to his
bestest buddy Tom. It honestly looked like a normal twig to me, I missed
both the "Uber" and the "spoon." Lex starts chanting "uberspoon" as he
shows off his arts and crafts skills to Kelly, who pretends to be amused.
But she tells us, "Lex is a disgusting suck-up--and when you're sucking up
to an ignorant redneck who can barely keep his pants up? It's time to
re-evaluate you're life. If I could get rid of Lex? I'd do it in a
heartbeat." File that tidbit away kids, I predict it will come into play
in
three weeks or so...

At Boron, Ethan wakes up all rumbled, but still manages to make his nerdy
glasses work for him, sigh....

Both tribes receive word of an immunity challenge:

Raise your arm up high
Stop the water from flowing
And you'll stay longer

At the challenge sight, everyone rejoices with the news that they are
merged. Jeff asks which camp they'll go to and everyone says in unison,
"WE'LL GO TO BORON SINCE IT'S BEEN WELL-MAINTAINED, IT HAS CLEAN WATER, AND
CHICKENS TO EAT, DUH!" The Survivor: Africa PA's move Samburu's gear to
Boron whilst they try to keep dry: They must hold one of their arms above
their heads while holding a rope tied to a bucket of water. If they move,
they get splashed and they are out of the immunity race. Kelly is the
first to go, followed by Old Kim. Lex is so FREAKIN COOL, he picks his
teeth while he stands there. Old Kim tells Kelly how Frank And T-Bird gave
them Silas AND Lindsey on a silver platter. Kelly warns that Frank
supposedly hates women, and doesn't want a woman to win. Has she actually
been listening to the kiddies? Frank may be really really really REALLY
weird, but he seems to respect women: case in point, his reliance and
devotion towards Linda and Teresa. Hmmmm.

Brandon is out, Lil Kim, Big Tom. Frank is moving all over the place but
his bucket doesn't fall, which irritates the other eliminees. He finally
gets sloshed and Brandon and Lil Kim cheer, then give him fake-congrats.
Teresa sings "Tomorrow" from Annie--T-Bird is this year's sweetheart--in
part to pass the time, in part to inflict psychological torture on Lex, CB
and Ethan. Jeff tempts them with a burger, and feeds it to the losers when
none of them go for it. Then it's pizza--again no takers. Lex tries to be
cool and fails, drenching himself in the middle of striking a cool pose.
He hisses to Kelly how much he wants CB to be vulnerable--he has neither
forgiven, nor forgotten.

Finally, Ethan is out and it's down to CB and Teresa. Clarence tries to
get T-Bird to agree to Rock Paper Scissors, but she isn't giving up. She
accuses him of trying to trick her, and he whispers, "I'm not Silas, you
can trust me." Jeff comes over with a nice dinner with ll the fixings, and
Teresa relents to CB's offer. He chooses Rock--"Nothing beats that,
right?" and Teresa, perhaps anticipating that a big muscle-bound guy
*always* picks rock, beats him with paper. CB's Roshambo'd out of
immunity, lacking the will to outlast T-bird. As I predicted, he sells the
immunity that is his birthright for a hot meal. Fittingly, he eats in
alone as the other tribesmen--including Tom's long absent
butt-crack--gather to congratulate T-Bird, who no one was gonna vote for
anyway so who cares?

For the second year in a row, we learn it's not wise to underestimate the
sheer will of a 40-year-old Southern woman, no sir. Last year, Tina jumped
only when it made sense politically, this year T-Bird shows herself to be a
gamer.

As the new tribe heads back to Boron, Lex sucks up to T-Bird, trying to get
some of that immunity mojo via osmosis. He's got his arm around her like
she's his long-lost sister. Everyone is together--except Frank, who
*pointedly* walks off by himself, making sure everyone knows he doesn't
especially care for any of them--even Rich faked the funk and he hated
everyone! Frank, you're killing me here! They arrive at
boron-not-for-long to find another poem:

"Invent a cool name
Make a colorful banner
Have a food party"

Serious grubbin' on cheese and apples ensues. Everyone's in the family
room laughing, playing twenty questions and Risk--except for weird Uncle
Frank who's out getting more fire wood. Kelly, "Shall I compare thee to a
Zoloft cloud?" She wants him on meds, stat. Tom makes America
*uncomfortable* when he says, "Teresa, you is my woman now." The tribe
plays the drinking game "I never" and we learn that T-Bird has had sex on
an airplane--OK, so she's been around the block a time or two, she can
still be America's Sweetheart. Julia Roberts has been engaged to what, 37
guys? Then Frank agrees to play, and he sucks the life right out of the
party with his "I've never broken the honor of a handshake," whatever,
Frank. Yes, you moral, Army of One. I swear when he gets voted out, he'll
go on the CBS Morning show and just like Dumb Deb, talk about how, "I
thought it was gonna be about survival skills, not all that interpersonal
garbage I've sucked at all my life," because clearly, Frank did not watch
this show. His wife probably did, and said, "Frank, you should go on that
show. I love you, but marriage was so much easier when you were in the
service and gone half the year--have fun in Africa!" He tells us, "It was
fun being a part of the group for two minutes, but I sure was relieved when
it was over and it was time to gather more wood!"

Everyone's a little tipsy on wine. Ethan breakdances and looks cute. Lex
tries to copy him, and looks lame. Frank, missing his .22, tries to mess
with an elephants head for a bit. If Frank could talk to the animals,
*maybe* he could build an alliance. This is a family column, so I can't
really discuss the massive elephant...er...appendage, that CBS showed in
one shot, except to say, I *don't* think Frank knew what kind of impression
he was making on Ol' Babar, if you catch my drift *eyebrows waggling.*

That night, they have a brainstorming session. Lex is the only one trying,
and he is *really* into it. His years of experience of naming and
re-naming his rock band are coming into play here. He comes up with "Moto
Maji" (Moh-toh MAH-jee), which means "Fire Water." He explains, "It's so
FREAKIN COOL because what are the two most important things here? Fire and
Water--we need them to survive. But, and follow me here, we are also all
in "Hot Water.." get it? Because of the *game* we are always in Moto Maji,
so to speak." Everyone agrees to Lex's name--no one else remembers it, no
one else cares.

Next morning, and everyone is wary. Lex reminds us, "It's a game, but it's
SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. We've created a society in which...I'm not just an
annoying
tattooed nut-job with an out-of-control peter pan complex--I actually have
power! It's so
FREAKING COOL!" Brandon tells us that, as opposed to the previous 20 days,
"Now is when you have to start being fake to people, so they won't vote
against you when you're in the final two." If Brandon is in the final two
I will personally send each of you a crisp one dollar bill (Hey, at least
you know I mean it). Frank doesn't know if people like him or not, and
doesn't care one way or the other. Again, WHY COME ON THIS SHOW IF YOU
HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT IT IS!!!! Tom asks Ethan, "Seew, who we
gahn tuh give theh haych tuh?" Ethan, "Zuh?" "Theh voet, who we gahn send
peckin?" Ethan, "...WHAT?!"

Doomed Clarence spending all that time painting the flag is so sad and
pathetic I can't even joke about it. Lex decides, "I'm too cool to keep a
secret, even in the context of a game--because it's SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
How can I make you understand what it's like to be out here, in the wilds
of Africa, with no one to rely on but yourself?" Lex is veering
dangerously into Keith territory for me...Anyway, he decides to tell CB,
*Man to Man* that everyone's decided to vote him out--because he's so
strong, "It's nothing personal AT ALL, and certainly we've all put that
whole beancan incident, where you stole from us and then tried to lie about
it, waaaaay behind us." Kelly's irritated at Lex, for his dumb lack of
strategy here, and, more importantly, for implying that he's a better
person than the rest if them because "Lex is all about keeping it real."
Funny...I don't recall him telling Diane, Jessie or Silas...Kelly
rightfully calls it grandstanding, especially since it's doubtful he'll do
it every time.

Every time Lex reminds everyone what a FREAKIN' COOL benevolent dictator he
is, he makes himself more of a target.

Kelly tells us she'd rather dumb Freaky Frank than CB, Tom implies to CB
he'd rather dump Brandon when Clarence tries to lobby him to stick with Old
Boron tribal lines. If Clarence had any sense, he would have tried to join
Old Samburu, that might have worked. T-Bird tells the camera that CB told
her at the immunity challenge that he wouldn't vote for him, and she won't
do it to him. Don't you just love her? Old kim chafes a bit at being told
who to vote for by Tom and Lex--again, it won't happen right away, but the
fewer people who remain, the fewer votes it takes to get rid of you. Lex
and Tom are being so obvious about their alliance (its not shown but I
think Ethan is in pretty tight with these bozos too), and it's gotta be
annoying everyone else. Tina and Colby hid their alliance til the very
end.

Jerri's spirit whips through camp as they gear up to hike to tribal
council. There, Lex gives Jeff his MOTOMAJI speech. Ethan tells Jeff
everything's hunky dory at the new tribe. Tom says, "Wohl, yeh trine be
heppy forwhol, then ta cheese is duhn gohn ehn yer back wore ya was afore.
Aht hyere, iffin ih t'ain't tuh animuls, eht's tuh people." America turns
to the person next to them, who shrugs helplessly. CB ties to paint his
Roshambo loss as *yet another* example of his nobility, "I could tell she
wasn't gonna quit so I thought I'd spare her any further pain, thereby
costing me the immunity i knew I so desperately needed." Ethan then
tells Jeff, "I like truth. It's hard for me to lie to someone's face."
Which is true: he had a tremendous about of trouble lying to Silas, but
Silas was too stupid to notice--but he still did it.

The vote. CB votes for Lex, "I know you explained it to me man to man, but
no one likes to be reminded that they are in a place of weakness, you big
dope. You really
rubbed me the wrong way." T-Bird also votes for Lex, citing his
"leadership skills," as her reason. When Jeff (sigh...) tallies the votes,
Lex is stunned to hear he has two votes--"Dude, that is so FREAKIN NOT
COOL!" But Lex, it's nothing personal--you understand that, right? But
everyone else votes for CB, as expected.

Old Boron can make this move--they still outmatch Old Samburu 5-4. The
scenes for next week show Teresa trying to rally her tribe to do something,
but it won't come to much. If you're betting on this, I'd say Brandon and
Frank are pretty much at even odds. It's one of them saying bye
bye--perhaps one of them will win immunity, if so, the other one is the
sure goner. If neither wins immunity, despite all the focus on weird
Frank, I think Brandon goes. No one *really* likes him, and Lex wants his
choices to be popular. Queers give Tom the "wiggles," as he might say...if
you could understand what he's saying.

I'd look for Kelly and Old Kim to team with the two Samburu survivors left
in week 10, to vote out Lex. They won't do it now, but once there's only
two Samboohooins left, I'm *hoping* a shake-up like this happens, OK and
Kelly trying to take charge of their destiny, instead of waiting for the
LexiTom to weed them out at the end. Or maybe Ethan isn't so firmly tied
to Tom
and Lex as has been implied and he will make a move. i think Lex is a
greater threat to Ethan's winning most of the immunity challenges (I love
Ethan, but I'd love to see him lose several to "non-athletes" just to take
him down...half-a-peg, is all). But maybe Ethan wants to go in with Tom or
Lex, figuring he'd win the vote against either of them. Still, I know all
this speculation comes from a place of ignorance--I mean, CBS *has* to be
hiding stuff from us,
right? I hate thinking of Ethan in league with Tom and Lex, but I fear
that's the case. But Lex would lose *any* tie at the moment, and the fewer
people who remain, the easier it might be to arrange it. After next week,
Kelly and OK could do it by voting for anyone else but whoever LexiTom
choose, even if Ethan goes along. 3-3-2. It's possible, but...so is
anything.

Tom and Lex as the final two is my worst nightmare, now that Silas and
Lindsey are gone:(

This week's poll:

The most alarming true-life Survivor biographical fact is:

A) Tom has a son named Bucky Bo Buchanan

B) Teresa once ran a marathon while she was nine months pregnant

C) Brandon is actually divorced--from a woman.

D) Silas has a college degree in finance

Next week: Is Samburu getting the band back together? Will Lex smoke out
who voted for him--or will he wind up burning himself by being uncool?
Stay tuned!

Peace, Christine :D