Survivor week 4--the inmates are running the asylum!

Literally.

Last week, I mistakenly labeled the kids at Samburu as childish lazy punks,
but I was way off base.

With the possible exception of Lil Kim, who IS a childish lazy punk, the
kids are mentally unhinged--and utterly contemptible.

We pick-up the night of the vote, which is a new thing they're doing this
year. Seems to me in previous years, we had mornings after, but not "later
that night." Silas lays down the law to the remaining workers, no early
morning walks to the water hole alone--ya gotta wait for the lazy beans to
wake up. The older people are kind of in shock at the audacity of Silas,
who is both evil and clueless. Rich knew when people didn't like
him--Jerri LIKED antagonizing people, Silas thinks he's "team-building" as
he tells the boomers what's expected of them before they're systematically
voted out, and, I think, genuinely expects to be respected and liked. He
even feels able to criticize Lindsay for her display of bad behavior:

"Behold the power of LINDSEY!!!! I am a bad ass--no one can conquer me!!
Don't F with me especially when I'm PUMPED UP! *&@#!"

Lindsay tells us that it all hit her, "We all conspired to vote out Carl,
and it suddenly occurred to me that the old people had done the exact same
thing! How dare they try and mess with a sensitive bad as like me!? @#$*!"

These aren't very good villains. Rich was Machiavellian, Jerri was...if
not Darth Vader than at least Alexis Carrington. Silas is merely every
frat-boy date-rapist from every tv-movie I've ever seen and Lindsay and
Brandon are like Boss Hogg and Cletus from the Dukes of Hazzard. Bumbling
oafs with power.

The little psychos embrace as a "team." When is Frank gonna send them out
on a snipe hunt?

back at Boron, the good tribe is eating their food, which Clarence equates
with grits, but Farmer Tom equates with something that rhymes with grit.
Tom is loosing weight. We get a little interlude of CB and Tom trying to
get some palm fruit from the trees--Tom almost kills himself trying to
climb up one. Then they through rocks at it (I couldn't believe they
didn't play banjo music during all this), finally bringing down a few.
Turns out, they suck.

Back at Samburu, the evil children are still in their comas--all that sleep
can't be good for them. If they would get active maybe they'd adjust to
their environment. Anyway, Linda and Frank have to wake them up cuz the
reward challenge is in half an hour--I wish they'd slept through it,
wouldn't that be great? Linda insists that one of the powerful ones read
the letter--Linda is so passive aggressive, which normally drives me nuts,
but since it was all directed at Lindsay I just laughed and laughed :)
When Linda invaded Lindsay's space with a hug of hostility, I laughed even
harder :D
Silas senses it's time for the team captain to rally the troops and he
"takes a knee" and tells the older folks, "Dad gum it, let's work this
out!" Now, when Tom says "Ah couldn't get the dad-gone thing tuh open"
about the palm fruit, I believe him, but when Silas does his 'I'm just a
simple Tennessee bartender, dad gum it," routine he uses to seduce co-eds
and barflies, it makes me want to hurl. Rocks. At his purty little head.
Heck, that's probably where the rocks came from.

Linda tones down the mother Africa stuff and tells Silas he's got a lot of
damn nerve telling them they need to be a team when Lindsay and the gang
keep making it perfectly clear that there are wheels within wheels in this
game, and tribes within tribes, rubbing their noses in their eminent
departures.

Shoulda made her a necklace, Lindsay.

Silas tries to remind them," Look, you tried to get rid of Lindsay, so
things would be exactly the same if you'd won, only exactly the opposite.
You'd be voting us out. Sure, we'd probably have those pots fixed and more
water at camp, and it'd be a lot quieter...and you might be encouraging us
to get water with you, like you always did before...wait...what were we
talking about?" Linda insists she wouldn't have come back to camp trash
talking them and swearing, had mother Africa given the boomers the victory.

"It's over," Lindsay insists, "Time to move on and do what we say so that
we can win a million dollars. @#$&!" Linda gets all up in her grill and
freaks her out with her peculiar blend of sarcastic Yoda psychology,
telling her that "Sadness, anger really be. And to the dark side does
anger lead." Brandon is confused, 'Linda has two sides. One is all sweet
and hard-working as she proves by example how much better a person she is
than we are, and the other is all hostile as she holds a mirror up and
forces us to see how reprehensible and irritating we really are. I don't
like the either of them very much AT ALL, okay?"

Lindsay cries, "It's not like I'm not a total badass, because I hella am?
But I just felt all singled out by the drones--not like my loser peeps
aren't totally representin' for me? Because they TOTALLY are always with
me? But I'm really sensitive when people hate me, and for some weird
reason, it happens a LOT I pity the fool who doubts the strength of my
friendship bead coalition! @$#&!!!!"

Have we ever had so many pathetic people before? I mean, even Jerri, even
if she doesn't make it as an actress, she has...skills.
Intelligence--certainly she is very confident. But Silas, Lindsay and
Brandon are just... winning money on a game show is part of their life's
plan and without it, they don't even have self-worth. As you sit at home
infuriated by them, remember that they are very unhappy people, and no
amount of money will fill the holes in their souls and psyches. Silas will
still be a moral and mental vacuum covered with muscles and a stupid grin,
Lindsay will still be a manic-depressive screaming machine, and Brandon
will still be an utterly worthless little turd who mistakes attitude for
personality and game-show alliances for meaningful friendships. And Kim?
She's 29 and playing forth fiddle to these mouth-breathers, 'nuff said!

BUT THEY STILL WIN THE DAMN FOOD CHALLENGE! >:(

Tom managed to keep his pants up through the rope-net race, and Lex tumbled
across it like spiderman--Lex is sooo FREAKIN' COOL! But Good Old Kim
faltered and maybe cost them the race and Samburu won, even with Brandon,
no gay-bash intended, I got the tape to prove it--skipping across the ropes
like a little girl.

Back at Boron, Old Kim's lack of physical prowess (although I'd love to
look as good as that when I'm almost 60 and she looks like she could kick
my 30-year-old butt right now) is the topic of discussion. Ethan feels bad
for her, "I'm glad I've never been bad at anything, it looks like it feels
terrible!" When Kim tells him she's done fore, he tells her not to be so
sure. Clarence isn't so nice, reminding us, "being weak on those
challenges? There's nothing worse. It's even worse than manipulating a
situation so that you can steal food from your teammates--not that I did,
I'm just saying...let's say I DID eat the beans, it'd be because I really
loved my tribe, right?"

CB, for the record, I have neither forgotten OR forgiven.

Lex sort of agrees, "I may be cool, but not cool enough to see past Kim's
losing streak."

Kelly, one of the under-five's says "Losing sucks."

Back at Samburu, Silas counters with, "Winning rules! Morale is so good
now that we pulled together as a tribe." Actually, you'll note that
Samburu tends to win relay type challenges, where everyone is on their own,
not the ones that actually require them to work as a unit. "Flavor is KEY
for Silas," Silas enthuses, "Food make Silas strong!" Kim agrees as they
look at the bottles of flavorings they've won--but sadly, no Prozac. Of
course, the tikes want to rest before they go get water, even though Kim
keeps raving about how they need it, "We didn't get it very often before,
we were way more into being bratty and napping than in, like surviving?
But now that Carl isn't here to do everything, I guess we kinda have to
work. After naptime."

They all get water together and Brandon, bitchy as ever, confides in us,
"Since we voted out Carl, Frank stopped doing everything for us? I guess
to prove a point, or whatever, that if WE don't do anything, and they STOP
doing stuff...nothing will get done or whatever? Whatever!" Frank is
content to let
the comfort level drop and watch as the kids try to lead and take care of
business. They get back to camp and find themselves "in a heap of
trouble." All their water pots shatter. Fortunately, Carl is there to
show them how to--oh, yeah. Nevermind. Silas tries to get someone to do
something, but they just watch him examine the broken pots. Turns out,
Lindsey the leader isn't a bad-ass when it comes to problem-solving--she
has to lie down. Kim laments, "Why are we such a big bunch of losers? why
doesn't anything get done?" as the camera shows them all sitting around,
staring at the busted pots--their only means of boiling their water.
Samburu should be called "Wouldacouldashoulda." Things are gonna get
mighty dry--thank goodness Brandon has his chapstick!

Boron goes out as a tribe to fetch water and sees some cute monkeys. Then
Tom makes them halt when they see a really big animal. "We know thet the
cape buffalo is the most dangerous animal here in Africa--'cept for that
Lindsey girl when she gets all pumped up." Lex reminds us "This is real,"
for the second week in a row. Does CBS Legal make them say that? Of
course, the smart and good people of Boron stand there, following Tom's
instructions--can you imagine if Samburu encountered the buffalo on a water
run? Brandon, "Frank ordered us to STAND there, who does he think he is?"
Lindsay, "I'm not afraid of any of you and I'm sure as hell not afraid of a
cape buffalo--you here me? Bring those horns over here, I'll cut ya!
*@#$!" Silas *takes a knee*, "Frank, next time you want the whole tribe to
stop and avoid being gored to death by a dangerous beast, run it by Silas,
and if he--I....er...what were we talking about?"

Lex tells us they need to respect the land, everyone take one drink.

Back in real-life Samburu, Frank rousts the kids out of bed to fetch some
water. I love Frank, and I'm sorry I misjudged him. He cares about Teresa
and Linda so he wants them all to be comfortable. Lindsey doesn't want to
go, but does to prove to Frank that she's tough, "Tough enough to hike and
get water on only 11 hours sleep, OK? You don't want to mess with me,
*&$#!"

Silas wonders as they sleepily depart, "Why are we doing this?" Well
Silas, because Frank is both a natural leader and right about needing to
get water before it gets too hot, everyone does what he says. "But...he
didn't take a knee. Silas is confused." Aww, don't worry Silas, here's
something shiny to play with.

Immunity challenge involves taking fake camp and moving it to the top of a
hill and rebuilding it as you found it. Jeff tells them that two members
wait at camp to assemble it just as it was. Frank yells a lot, and Lindsay
snorts and pants and groans, intent on showing that she's SUCH a badass,
that she's going all out and playing with pain! @$#%!

My fave Lindsay moment was when she dropped her corner of the shed and
Frank ordered the skeletal Brandon to help her. But it's too late, Boron
wins immunity! After tonight, the teams will once again be evenly matched.

Frank carves his wife and kids names unto his torch as they prepare for
tribal council. Linda wishes him a happy birthday, and Frank makes my
heart sing with joy when he discusses "crossing enemy lines" should he
survive into the merger.

Back at Boron, everyone is glad that they didn't have to vote out Kim. Kim
is touched that no one wants her gone. Since they have nothing to do on
tribal council day, they take a nap--oh no of course they DON'T!! They go
on a hike! They explore this wonderful continent called Africa! They climb
up a big hill and gaze down at the wonder of God's creation.

Back at Samburu, evil still reigns. Lindsey gloats that tribal council
isn't so bad, "Because I won't be voted out you &*#$*$@#$'s!" Brandon
tells Lindsey he wishes he was the one with votes against him, and not poor
Lindsay, "I'd die for you Lindsay!" My sister Jen called me and gave me
this template: In His mind, Brandon is Sal Mineo to Silas' James Dean and
Lindsay's Natalie Wood (everyone pause to imagine Brandon dying in a hail
of gunfire), but really, you know Lindsay and Silas are going to spend the
next few months after Survivor ducking his phone calls.

Teresa wants to know who they're gonna vote out but the kids are to
strategic for that! Then Silas tells the boomers that they should all vote
for Lindsey--load her up with votes, which Lindsey tells us, makes soooo
much sense. I GUESS they're thinking that if only one person has votes
after the merger, that leaves only one person to protect in the case of a
tie vote?? In my opinion, its absolutely stupid because it means Lindsey
is totally exposed. Which may be part of "Silas' plan," I dunno. It makes
sense to the idiots, but really, they shoot themselves in the foot here by
asking it of the older folks who are irritated at being to do anything for
the good of the team--it's like being fired but asked to continue to buy
your old companies products. Brandon demands "the people--er--the person
being voted out should vote for Lindsay," He sounds like a six-year-old
playing Barbies whenever he opens his mouth. When Linda asks, "what's in
for us?" he snaps, "Nothing, nyah nyah!" Brandon lies and implies that it
was only this comment that led to his not telling them who they were voting
for, "When we asked you to take part in our asinine plan on your way out?
And you wouldn't help us stab you in the back for old times sake? That
left a bitter taste in my mouth!"

I want to beat Brandon to death with his own bony arm!

"The old people don't want to follow Silas's brilliant plan, Silas's had
hurts. Let's drop this," Silas mutters, wondering off to find some little
critter he can strangle to relax.

Linda hopes Mother Africa won't let spooky Silas win, cuz that boy just
ain't right! Case in point, Silas is confident he will win the million
dollars. Hokie Dokie!

At tribal council, Jeff can barely restrain his contemptuous amusement at
the prattling powerbase of Samburu and asks them if they've managed to
regroup and become a tribe. I guess Silas lies because it reflects on his
leadership skills if they are divided, "Jeff, last week was emotional,
especially on Lindsay who's emotionally unstable to begin with [the CBS
website calls her "temperamental"] Jeff. But Jeff, Silas is the house, and
we've united." Jeff nods, "He's lying, right Frank?" "He sure is. We all
hate each other." Jeff tries to consul the kids, reminding them that it
doesn't make any strategic sense to WANT to vote people out before the
merge, and to actively alienate members of your tribe. "Numbers are
important--and the bacteria that will be rapidly multiplying inside you
because your are too lazy fix your water boiling pots, can't vote." Silas
smiles,
"Jeff, is anything sure in this game? Just because no one's tried to win
through idiocy and alienation and sloth doesn't mean that Silas hasn't
figured out a way to make it work, right Jeff?" Jeff snarls, "How dare you
come into MY house and try to school me on Survivor! I'm Jeff Probst! ANd
you're an idiot! Even stoopid Sue knew enough to PRETEND to like Sean so
that they could use his blunt head like a club to help them beat down and
eliminate Pagong one by one! Frank and/or Teresa AREN'T on your side you
dumbass! They'll gladly vote with Boron to eliminate you!"

Lindsey interjects, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Jeff. What
you seem to be forgetting is that if the situation was reversed, we'd do
the same thing to them at the merge. If anything, we're even more petty
and vindictive. We'd sell them out to Boron so fast it'd make your head
spin." You mean from the hotel, Lindsey?

Jeff wonders if Lindsey has any regrets, "I'm a walking mistake! I'm a
badass, true, but I'm also really sensitive, and when people start
whispering? Start plotting with the Freemasons and space aliens that are
all around us to vote me off? It gets to you. The panic attacks start,
the anxiety, the 11 hour nightmares and moodswings---oh wait, that's
because I'm clinically depressed, not because of Survivor. I knew I should
have taken my Zoloft prescription, but I went with the necklace." Then
Jeff makes the mistake of trying to get some insight from Brandon, "Do you
ever go off by yourself--"

"I'm never alone ever! I've never had a healthy relationship in my life
Jeff, and I'm NOT gonna start now! This is my family, no one in my twenty
five year of life has meant more to me than these 3 total strangers who've
enlisted me in their game show alliance 10 days ago, OKAY?!" I've never
seen Jeff try so hard not to laugh in someone's face.

The vote. The boomers vote for Silas, against his professed wishes, but
who knows, that might help the kids. Am I right that CB and Lindsey are
now tied 4 votes all? Still, at the moment, no one else in Boron has
votes, do they? The kids all vote for Linda, Silas grinning like an idiot
the whole time, "Our numbers are dwindling, just as ol' Silas has planned."
Lindsey becomes the first contestant in Africa to use the Survivor
euphemism for "eat grits and die" :"Linda, it's your time to go. @#&*!"
Linda tells them all to play fair, and the kids giggle like Abigail and her
little twits in "the Crucible."

Last week, Carl went out like Mad Dog--too soon, in the litigious Stacey's
spot. This week, Linda joins the only other black woman on survivor,
Ramona, in being voted out in week four. Ramona and Mitch were both axed
in week four for being weak.

Mitch thought he was part of a Jerri-Colby-Amber-mitch alliance, but, for
his own good and the good of the tribe, After losing three straight
immunity challenges, Colby voted out the weakest link. Last week, I said
none of the kiddies possessed the savvy of character to do this, but what
about Lil Kim? She's frustrated with losing, and not as enmeshed in
dysfunction as the others. What if she teamed with Frank and Teresa to
oust waste-of-space Brandon? Probably won't happen, but it could.

Next week and the week after will differ vastly from the others. Next
week, if you lose immunity, you are desperate to win the week after, so you
vote off a weak member. If Boron loses, Old Kim probably goes; Samburu,
Teresa. The week after, however, you're going into a new tribe and you
have to be looking out for yourself a little more. You vote out a strong
member who
might beat YOU in individual challenges, so you vote for Frank or Clarence.

I hate the kiddies, but hopefully, I think they're damned no matter what
they do.
Frank and Teresa are a liability to them going in, because they'll be
shopping for new team members--no way in heck either of them helps team
necklace advance. If they go in with a minority, they're completely
screwed, though
Silas probably thinks he can charm his way into victory. Farmer Tom might
have to learn him a dad-gum thing or two, I tell you whut!

Next week: CBS promises us an exciting event in the first fifteen minutes
of the game--a Survivor first--that changes the game FOREVER. It's not an
injury, as that's happened. Jen suggests someone just up and quits,
"Lindsey, cuz she sucks," were her EXACT words, but that's wishful
thinking. I think it's either a physical altercation, leading to the
ejection of a player (which happens on Road Rules or Real World all the
time) or some sort of rule change on CBS's part. Remember how in the first
year, one tribe had to move in with the other, and then they switched it up
on our gang last year and made them BOTH move? I think there will be an
early merge, or a double elimination (neither tribe gets immunity, both
have to vote one person out) OR they must each send one member to join the
other tribe OR they must send have their members to create a third tribe OR
it will turn out to be something totally lame that the CBS press machine is
blowing out of all proportion. Any other ideas?

And while I'm asking, please take part in my poll by e-mailing me at
cseghers@sprynet.com:

Which violent death would you rather witness:

1) Brandon being beaten to death with his own bony arm.
OR
2) Lindsay being beaten to death by a branch from the tree that kicked
her ass in week two.
OR
3) One clear night, Silas looks up at the stars, contemplates infinity for
the first time, and his head explodes.
OR
4) Kim is gored by a cape buffalo because in allowing evil she is complicit
and must be punished.

That being said, I can't wait for the next Survivor Thursday!!!! Peace,
Christine:)