Survivor 13.6 "Typically in life, I'm either hated or I'm loved."

Go see Helen Mirren and James Cromwell in "The Queen," it's a wonderfully acted and written film and you won't regret it :)

The episode actually started with action after the "previously on....SURVIVOR!" part, before the credits, which was unusual. We saw the tension at Raro after Cristina was accused of bossiness at Tribal. Adam just continues to get in her face, telling her she's rude, and she shoots back that he's rude. Cristina offers to try and change and Jenny and Adam are like, "You can't change who you are, it's just your personality, we don't expect you to change." Whish is pretty much saying "We're voting you out next, and there's nothing you can do about it." Rebecca and Brad both tell US that they feel bad for Cristina, and feel she's getting the raw end of the deal, but neither sticks up for her during the awkward campfire fight. Cristina cries on camera, and tells us that the Tribe's politics are worse than getting shot. Another reason why you won't see me signing up for Survivor any time soon, that and the starvation and the millipedes. Roll Credits....

WHAT WOULD THE AMAZON'S JOANNA DO?

At iTunes, Ozzy continues to amaze and impress everyone with his fishing skills. Jonathan sits in the boat and...counts the fish, I guess? Lend moral support? He rhapsodizes about Ozzy's ability to hold his breath for 2 and a half minutes, "The kid is like an otter or something! We need his strength right now so our group can move on but once the other team is taken care of, we gotta get rid of this guy, he's too good!" Ah, the harsh reality of Reality. They just better do it before that old, "hold your breath underwater challenge" we've seen pop up several times. Back at camp, Yul and Jeflicka return with Tree Mail, which promises a feast to today's contest winner, but doesn't mention the Idol (the tribe with the Idol is usually told to bring it when it's at stake) so Jeflicka assumes they should leave Punchy behind. Cao Boi wants to take it...or should I say, him. Cao Boi has some to believe that the Immunity Idol has been possessed by an Ocean fertility god, and has become an extra member of the tribe. Then he prattles on about how he's the tribe's priest and it makes him feel holy when he carries the idol so he should bring it. Everyone is looking uncomfortable except Candice who can barely contain her laughter as she gives one of her standard, "God, could he BE any weirder?" looks. Jonathan is the only one who stands up to him, saying it just rubs their win in the other team's face. Then he goes on in his patronizing-Jonathan tone, "And I most of us feel that way, right? Let's vote." No one really joins in, even though they don't want the Idol to come along, and Cao Boi relents on his own. I would love to see how the Amazon's Joanna would react to all this, Joanna was the Christian who was wary of the CBS prop department Immunity Idol, fearing that they may have been breaking the 2nd Commandment by winning it. Anyway, Jonathan bemoans Cao Boi's Cao Boiness, "He does have to get talked out of a tree once in a while, but no one else speaks up--which is fine, I guess I'm the de facto spokesman for the tribe because I'm an actor and a writer and so that's in my skill set." Yul is more understanding about Cao Boi's hard-headedness, because he knows it comes from his traumatic refugee past, but he's still worried about the man's unpredictability...

REWARD CHALLENGE

No real reaction to Stephannie's departure. Jeff tells them about the day's very physical challenge, in which two players from one team will have to forcibly remove the other team's player from a pole and then drag them back to their mat. The winners will get a fest of lamb shanks, bread, and apple cider, which they will eat as they watch the other team's tribal council...after they hold their own tribal council. Yes, finally, it's double eviction. With 20 people, I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first of several. Some people react with shock and horror, others seem to think it's gonna be cool. The game has to be equal, with only men fighting men and women fighting women, which may stem from that icky mess between Hatch and Sue during All-Stars. So iTunes must sit out a man and everyone suggest Cao Boi who argues, "If Tengo Roa, aka Punchy was here, then he could sit out, but Fine!" I guess they picked him because oldest and rather slight, but he's scrappy as hell, I dunno. It does turn out to be a very vicious contest. Candice shows surprising grit in her refusal to be easily moved from the post. Does anyone else think Candice looks like a blond Shawnee Smith? There's a resemblance, trust me. She was in "The Stand?" She usually plays crazy? She was on Becker? Anyway, she gives iTunes a lead. Cristina accuses Jeflicka of choking her, then gives Jeflicka an nice jab to the throat with her elbow. Then she tries to pull down Jeflicka's pants, and Jeff sounds very creepy and turned-on when he points that out. Jonathan gets very "scary soccer dad" as he exhorts his team, "PICK HER UP! C'MON!!!" Sundra is just as tough as Candice, and Princess Becky hold her own with Jeflicka against the tough LA cop. iTunes emerges battered (Ozzy, in particular, who has cuts all up and down his neck and face), but victorious, in large part because of it's small but spunky women. Then Jeff leaves the group with one more thing to think about--there will be yet another twist at Tribal Council...

PLOTS AND PLANS

iTunes returns, with Jonathan jabbering away and Candice and Sundra holding hands, which is very girly and innocent but when they continue to drape themselves around one another at camp it seems fraught with hoyay, I dunno. Everyone's really proud of how hard they fought, and Ozzy gives the girls their props for being the difference makers in the challenge. Jelficka laughs, "I never wrestled a cop before." Jeficka then tells us in a diary segment that they're happy to win but sad that someone's going home. The plotting and planning portion of the show then begins, signaled by a sitar intro that I swear was lifted straight off of The Beatles' "Love You To." It begins with Cao Boi relating a crazy-ass dream he had to Yul about invisible warriors, "...and there's this shaman lady and she had all kinds of credit card applications." Uh..okay. We've all had crazy dreams. But Cao Boi goes all "Paul McCartney on us and pulls "Yesterday" from his, or the Survivor equivalent, a perfect, ingenious plan to smoke out Immunity Idol out of Jonathan's hands. He dubs it "Plan Voodoo," which is soooo Big Brother, naming a plan. It basically entails splitting votes equally between Candice and Jonathan 3 and three, forcing which ever one of them has it to use it on themselves, and thus causing Jeff to eliminate the other. Yul is impressed with plan, and sees the value in weakening the original White tribe, which has yet to lose a member. The only problem with it: Neither Candice nor Jonathan has the idol, Yul does. Cao Boi's fear of the White Tribe getting back together also highlights his poor grasp of tribal politics. Not only does he see himself as Yul's right hand man (as opposed to real BFF Becky), he fails to see what a complete outsider Jeflicka is with her former tribe. Cao Boi drums up support for his plan at a Jonathan and Candiceless campfire, "THe Idol will be played tonight--somebody has it!" Yul bites his tongue.

At Raro, Adam is too angry at being outwitted by some crabs to be thinking to hard about the game--thinking hurts! "Dammit! I just wanna get these guys and go to sleep!" he whines. Nate admits that the back-to-back losses have tempted him to go off by himself and sulk, but he resists and vows to get the tribe some food so they'll eat well BEFORE they have to watch the other tribe eat in front of them. I like Nate, he takes his role as a leader very seriously and he tries to do the right thing. Elsewhere, Cristina does a reverse Stephannie, and goes to each member of her tribe, even the ones she doesn't like, and asks for a chance to prove herself as an asset to the tribe, "I'll keep working hard, I promise I won't fail you guys," she pleads. Brad tells her he's always willing to give someone a chance while Parvati tells her, "I don't know WHO I'm voting for--I haven't even really thought about it, you know?" Which is the absolute biggest bunch of bull that anyone on ever try to sell you on Survivor because there's nothing else to do EXCEPT think about who you're voting for, so when someone says this to you, be assured you're getting at least one vote at Tribal Council. She apologizes to Dumb Adam for her roll in their acrimonious relationship, which can't be easy, and he smiles and pretends to entertain the possibility and then rags on her behind her back, "She's the outsider, trying to get us to go against each other," while telling her, "Let me go ask these other guys what they want me to do, because I don't think for myself anyways." He then tells Jenny that he shines Cristina on a little about the fact that he was at least considering keeping her and Jenny barks, "You guys aren't pulling anything one me, are you? Are you?! Cuz I'll cut ya! Rah!" Yeah...it's way too early to be this paranoid, Jenny. Dumb Adam is too dumb to be alarmed by her lack of trust, which she's bound to hang herself with. Then Nate returns with the octopus and Cristina tries to get him so keep her around and Nate, naturally listens. He's impressed with what a tough competitor she is. He has a confab with Rebecca, and he tells her, "If we kept her, she'd be loyal as hell because we gave her a chance." Rebecca starts to complain about the way Adam talks to her and Nate snaps, "He needs to get some class, You don't speak to a woman like that in disrespect!" Salt n Pepa's "What A Man" starts to play as Rebecca nods in approval. Nate then expresses his fear that the Asians will get back together after the Merge, and so getting rid of Jenny wouldn't be such a bad idea. The fact that the original White and Asian tribes are still intact, though separated, has not gone unnoticed but Nate is torn. Both women are tough, and he's not sure he trusts either of them. Meanwhile, Cristina offers politely to help Jenny with the cooking, and Jenny struggles mightily not to come off bitchy and petty...and fails.

Back at iTunes, Cao Boi and Jeflicka do some yoga together whilst Jonathan lobbies Yul to dump Cao Boi, because he's "pissing people off." Jonathan is irritated by Yul's desire to protect everyone's feelings. Cao Boi meanwhile gets a lot of agreement, to his face, anyway, about "plan voodoo." Sundra isn't sure that Cao Boi is wrong about the White Alliance (as he calls it) reforming after the Merge. She's especially leery of Jonathan, who reeks of "me me me" self-motivation. Becky says as much to Yul, "The girls don't trust Jonathan, he's crafty. He's always trying to catch your eye and get you to feel some bond with him." Jonathan doesn't feel comfortable turning on the alliance he's made with Jonathan and Candice, though the others' suspicion of Jonathan is starting to rub off on him. Then we see Yul without his shirt off and holy crap is he ripped! He doesn't walk around half-naked like all the other guys do all the time and he really should do it more often. Then Cao Boi comes to Yul and proudly assures him that everyone's onboard to boot Jonathan with his voodoo plan and Yul looks mortified. Cao Boi plays the race card, insisting, "We're brothers, we gotta remember that." But can Yul really trust wild card Cao Boi not to mess up Yul's long-term plan for the game? He is conflicted by his own sense of morality and his desire to win. Everyone trusts him, and he fears that everyone feels as though they're in some sort of an alliance with him. Even Ozzy, who would really benefit from Jonathan or Candice's departure (though he's too oblivious to the tribe's politics to realize it) wonder if the plan is a good idea. He knows that Cao Boi is the source of the "chaos in camp," as he calls it. Later, Cao boi assure Jeflicka, as they lay out in the sun by themselves, that everyone is on board with his plan. Jeflicka looks over at the shelter, where a large group is huddling together. "Why are they all in there whispering together, then?" she wonders. "Who?" "All of them." Cao Boi shrugs it off, "They're just discussing things. Relax. We'll be okay." Famous last words. Yul has stomach pain before Tribal COuncil, he's so nervous, and Cao Boi wonders if he's ever had an ulcer. Fortunately for Yul, there's no time to pull it out of his belly button...or worse! Jonathan seems worried but tells us he'd be shocked if he was voted off. I'm just glad the others don't trust him all that much, because he IS shifty...

TRIBAL COUNCIL ONE

Jeff is perplexed at the fact that Cao Boi has brought the Immunity Idol, and when Cao Boi tries to explain that they brought it because they have no Immunity, Jeff snaps, "Well, I haven't asked for it BACK! What do you want to do with it?" Man is he cranky this year. Cao Boi puts Punchy down and insists that he'll be another member of the tribe while Jonathan tries desperately to make eye-contact with Jeff so they can bond over what an idiot Cao Boi is, but Jeff doesn't bite. Candice gives off her "Ohmigod this is soooo lame," vibe, while Yul seems embarrassed on Cao Boi's behalf. When Jeff asks Ozzy what everyone thinks of Cao Boi's insistence on bringing Punchy everywhere, Ozzy shrugs, "Cao Boi feels really connected to it, others don't care about it, some are totally angered by it." Jonathan raises his hand and hops around like Hermione Granger trying to get Prof. Snape's attention, "Ooh ooh, Jeff! That's me! That's me! I'm totally angered by it! Ask me, ask me!" Jeff instead asks the diplomatic Yul to describe Cao Boi, and Yul calls him, "Shaman, cheerleader, fire tender...very loyal in his way. I can't say that I fully understand him, you know, he has his own perspective on things, like, say, thinking a CBS prop-shop wood block is now home to an ancient Vietnamese fertility god." Jeff asks Cao Boi if he's usually understood by others and he smiles, "Typically in life, I'm either hated or I'm loved." He goes on to say that most people come to at least understand that his will is good. Jeff moves on to concept of leadership, and Yul, the leader, claims demurely that there is no leader but that Jonathan and Cao Boi are the most vocal about expressing their opinions. "Jonathan is what I'd call a natural leader, he's very good about articulating his position and thinking for the group." Yul adds, which causes Jonathan to swallow nervously because he knows that "Leader" is code for "target" in the Survivor lexicon. Jonathan pipes up, his voice a few octaves higher than usual, "I appreciate his saying that, but it's not a role I assume, I certainly don't patronize these people or talk down to them in anyway," then he finishes quietly, "I don't think I do." Well, you know he's been accused of being patronizing in the past for him to blurt all that out so quickly, without anyone having actually said it. Very defensive, and it warms by heart to see cocky Jonathan a little scared. Jeflicka did a classic "Say WHAT!?" double-take at his "I don't talk down to anyone" bit that Jeff, surprisingly, didn't follow up on. When Jeff asks how everyone's gonna decide who to vote out, since the tribe is so successful, Ozzy lobs a softball about "his heart," and then Cao Boi gets back on the Crazy Train, "We're looking down the road..this is a chess game...expose the Queen!" Jeff asks what he means and Cao Boi explains that the Queen is the hidden Immunity Idol--man, will Cao Boi be disappointed when he discovers that the Hidden Idol is a compass, not a graven image. Jeff is all, "uhhhh. Oooookay. Time to vote, gee, I wonder, who's gonna get voted out, CUCKOO!" Everyone goes to cast their votes and we see yet another millipede of Horror because....it's Survivor: millipede Islands, I guess. Cao Boi votes for Candice while Jeflicka votes for Jonathan. Everyone else votes for Cao Boi. Ironically, he has to put down the Immunity Idol in order to get up and get his torch snuffed by Jeff, whom he salutes. Jeflicka, knowing exactly where SHE stands in the grand scheme of things, is unthrilled, and I don't care if that's not a word, spell check, I like saying it. In his exit, Cao Boi blames his ouster on the fact that he trusted other Asian people and shouldn't have, even though he got votes from all the United Colors of Benetton.

Cao Boi is evicted in 15th place, joining cranky B.B. who asked to be voted out, then regretted it and Kel who was accused by Jerri of smuggling food. In Africa, latina cop Jessie puked her way out of the game, while the Marquesas Patricia tried to be everyone's bossy mom, and paid the price. In Thailand, sweet and pretty Tanya puked HER way out of the game before the show's ugliest season got ugly and in the Amazon it was Janet who was accused of smuggling in food. In the Pearl Islands, Nerd Ryan was ousted for merely giving 110% instead of the 120% that Andrew Savage knew he was capable of giving while in Vanuatu, we were given an early reprieve from mouthy, mean Mia when her "friend" Lisa turned on her. In Palau we lost prissy Kim who kinda had a thing for fake-bad-ankle Jeff and in Guatemala we bid adieu to Brooke, who was smart...friends with Margaret? The tribe shake-up doomed her when Judd switched sides. And last season, funny Melinda was sent packing after a quick alliance was made between Aras, Danielle, Shane and Courtney, and a coin was essentially flipped between her and Cirie. Cirie made the extra time count, making it all the way to the final Four.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACTS

Cao Boi was once a used car salesman--run that image through your mind for a second, its fun! As I mentioned before, he is a veteran, having served with the elite 82nd Airborne. He's also a high-ranking member of a moose lodge. I will miss him--he was a lot of fun. I think someone should reimagine "One Day at a Time" with Cao Boi as the new Schneider. It would kill! :)

TRIBAL COUNCIL TWO

iTunes begins chowing down on their feast (with napkins!), as Raro is led in and takes it all in, including Cao Boi's departure, which surprises and distresses...nobody. Candice blows a kiss to Adam, and their flirtatiousness throughout the night isn't lost on an observant Brad. Everyone at Raro takes iTunes teasing in stride, with Adam insisting he doesn't even like lamb or apple cider, and that they have plenty of food back at their camp. Nate admits he does envy the feast and adds, "This loss was whack today!" Adam agrees that their losses have been very frustrating, and then he heaps praise upon Candice, saying she exhausted Rebecca and Parvati, and that was the difference. Candice mouths "I love you" back and then they both put on hats that say "White Alliance 4ever!" I mean, SERIOUSLY, how stupid are they? Jeff again tries to get them all to admit that it was a mistake to get rid of JP, and again, no one does. Then Jeff brings up what happened at the last Tribal Council, how Cristina was called "annoying," etc. which amuses Jeflicka and Ozzy. Brad says he did feel badly for Cristina, "Some things are better left unsaid. It was unfortunate that it came out at Tribal Council, in front of everyone." Jenny and Adam continue to giggle like mean little kids about Cristina's outsider status, and Jeflicka rolls her eyes whenever Adam speaks, remembering when SHE was the outsider with him. Cristina takes the high road, and Rebecca's eyes overflow with compassion at the doomed Cristina, especially when Adam goes on about how Cristina can't change her obnoxious personality, and that's why she doesn't mesh with everyone else. No one argues this point, but most of the tribe seems unhappy with his demeaning tone and his hurtful words. He's just one of those good-looking people who've never been treated badly so they don't understand how it feels. Then Jeff reveals the twist he promised: iTunes will now kidnap someone from Raro. That grants that person Immunity of course, takes away their vote at Tribal and they will compete with iTunes at the next Reward Challenge. Raro has of course shown ALL their cards, and I'd reason that the best move is to save the outsider, forcing the enemy tribe to eat someone they like, but iTunes goes with the idea of weakening the tribe for the next challenge, so they take the tribe's leader, Nate--who gets to partake of the iTunes feast. Cristina can't mask her disappointment at this, because she knows she's doomed now. Jeff then reminds everyone about the Hidden Immunity Idol protocol and Yul laughs, then explains, "It's...Nate's hair...it's just...funny. Ahem." iTunes is dismissed before the vote is revealed, and Raro predictably votes out it's scapegoat, Cristina. Jenny is shocked to get two votes--the other one coming from Brad, who maybe wanted to send her a message. It's interesting to note that with all the paranoia about the White and Asian teams reforming, both Jonathan and Jenny got stray votes from within their original racial team. Jeff dismissed Raro by saying, "You voted out JP because he was bossy, Stephannie because her heart wasn't in the game and now you've gotten rid of Cristina because she just didn't fit in. Three very different reasons to vote someone out. It may have seemed like I was going somewhere with that, but I wasn't. Get your torches, get back to camp." Cristina mostly takes the "I had a great once-in-a-lifetime experience" route with her exit speech, though it does get a little whiny and excusey too. She'll be fine though.

Cristina is evicted in 14th place, joining angry lawyer Stacey, who sued the show over her early ouster. In the Outback, Tina began her ascent to the top when she helped evict her "friend" the colorful woman named Mad Dog while in Africa, the evil friendship necklace kids got rid of Carl the Dentist because he had like, a job and stuff. In the Marquesas, Chachi and Vecepia both realized they needed to oust strong, handsome noble and true Hunter if they had any chance of winning, but Hunter's the guy hosting all those cable series about guns and planes and whatnot, so THERE. In Thailand, Jed the boring and lazy dentist was put out of our misery and in the Amazon, boring and whiny Daniel was sent packing. In the Pearl Islands we were all thrilled to say goodbye to crybaby martyr Lill, the female boy scout leader, but the stupid shoe brought her back and she came thisclose to winning. Man I'm still hacked off about that twist. In Vanuatu we said goodbye to Brady, the cute FBI guy who didn't thrill his superiors by appearing on the show and he was never heard from again. In Palau, a double-eviction doomed cranky Willard, the lawyer who claimed he was a mailman to avoid anti-lawyer backlash and in Guatemala, smart Brian's strategy called "Bait Blake" did indeed cause Golden Boy Blake to talk his way out of his tribe's good graces. Last year, young Misty tried to flirt her way through the game, and it didn't get her very far.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FACTS

I left out the fun because it isn't, but Cristina's backstory is quite fascinating. Her father was murdered when she was 12, and she started her path to being a cop when she joined the explorer program at the age of 14. She also served as a technical consultant to the Jennifer Lopez vehicle, "Angel Eyes."

Tonight, it's Jenny or Jeflicka, take that to the bank.

Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 13.5 "I got a octopus stuck to my foot!"

So, my beloved A's got swept in the ACLS. At least they put up a fight in the last game, but they just weren't hitting consistently all series. They were just outplayed on every level and the Tigers look like a Team of Destiny. If they face the Mets, I'll gladly root for them but if they face the Cards, I gotta support the Redbirds because you just don't root against your grandma's team, it's bad sports Karma :) I still love my A's and thank them for a wonderful season. I'll miss Barry Zito tremendously, and hope he lands somewhere other than Boston or New York (I guess I could handle the Mets), or Texas (Houston, fine, but not the Rangers), or Anaheim, or Seattle....sigh. You get the picture :( Being a small-market team sucks.

Okay, so on to business...

FREELOADING AT iTUNES

Jeflicka and Cao Boi hunt for fish whilst Sundra, Candice and Becky sit around comparing...their arm pits. This is what happens when you take television away from people. Cao Boi is annoyed with the lack of initiative of the three girls and he decrees, "If they don't correct themselves...they WILL be eliminated." Then Phil from the Amazing Race appears, eyebrow raised and demands Cao Boi compensate him for using one of his...trademark...phrases and pauses. More interesting is Cao Boi's utter lack of understanding regarding the tribe's politics, thinking that merit is gonna have anything to do with the tribe's next eviction. To paraphrase the much-missed Dana Scully from X-Files, he's overestimating his position on the chain of command. Tree Mail arrives, promising good-eating to the tribe who'll work best together in teams of two. "We're eating good tonight," Ozzy boasts. So you know they won't win. And is anyone else suspicioucs about Jessica announcing that her friends call her "Flicka" and lo and behold, there's a remake of the famous horsey film coming out, like, NOW? It would be weird product placement, but I wouldn't put anything past those Hollywood types ;)

REWARD CHALLENGE

I don't think there's ever been a bigger, happier more-surprised reaction to another team's choice of eviction. You had some good ones in Africa, because that season was the first tribe-shake-up ever, and people remained true to their original tribes to the point where it really was like Survivor: POW. iTunes can't believe their good fortune when they realize that Raro has eliminated their biggest, buffest dude, JP--in fact, you can tell that iTunes basically thinks Raro is full of idiots. And when Jeff (glad in his standard, classic blue shirt this time) announces they will basically be taking part in a weight-lifting contest, it seems like that may indeed be the case. In this challenge three pairs of Survivors from each team must hold onto hooks holding sandbags with one hand, while holding onto their partners with the other. Two other members must decide who to add weight to, when Jeff asks them to. I feel like we last saw this one in the Pearl Islands or maybe Palau? Anyway, it breaks down like this: Parvati and Jenny are the designated weight-adders for Raro, while Nate and Adam, Rebecca and Stephannie, and Cristina and Brad are the weight-bearers. For iTunes, Cao Boi and Becky add the weight, while Yul and Jonathan, Ozzy and Jeflicka, and Sundra and Candice to the weight-holding. Their playing for some more fishing supplies, spices and wine, which always gets people on Survivor in a state.

The contest begins and Adam says to Nate, "I hope they load up on us, because we can go as long as we can." Umm...so can everyone else, Adam. I think he meant to say, "As long as anyone else can," or "As long as we NEED to," but Words are just not Dumb Adam's friends. Nate is committed to getting that booze. Everyone's wearing cute little belts around their weights to help avoid back strain, which was a nice touch--thanks CBS Law Department! Everyone makes it past the first addition of more weight and Jeff says, "And we wait a little more." Jonathan points out the pun, "Heh, weight a little more, that's good, that's like, something I would say." Jeff is unamused and apparantly had no intention of making a silly play on words, thank you very much. Anyone else noticing how humorless and cranky Jeff seems these days? He's like, all disciplinarian/rule guy, but doesn't seem to be enjoying himself all that much. I will contnue to blame Julie until I hear of their braeak-up. C'mon, Jeff. This is supposed to be fun! :D Later, Jeff asks how everyone's feeling and Nate replies, "Feel like getting that wine and getting faded." I guess that's how the kids are talking these days, "faded" instead of buzzed or loaded or ripped or wasted or lit or what have you. Jeflicka counters his "wine tonight" with a "More like WHINING tonight." Everyone has a good laugh, though things start to get heavier and hotter and worse for those trying to keep their arms up. The editors do this thing where they show the sun, and whatnot, to demonstrate passage-of-time, yet they don't tell us how long the contest has gone on, so we're really unclear on whether we should be impressed or not. Surprisingly, it's Yul and Jonathan, iTunes big men, who falter first, while Raro's big men, Adam and Nate, wrap their arms around one another in order to gain more leverage. Cao Boi can't resist tweaking them about this, taunting, "Handsome Boys. Make Quite a Pair." Becky gnashes her teeth and rolls her eyes at the continued indignity of having to endure Cao Boi's Cao Boisms. Nate is unphased by the joke, and begins to sing "Ebony and Ivory." :) Rebecca and Stephannie fall out, then Sundra and Candice, who makes a big show of her disappointment in Sundra's being the one to crack, and Jeff points it out. Cristina starts to waver and Jeflicka tries to exacerbate her struggle by taunting her, but then she drops out, leaving Adam and Nate as the only remaining pair--who needs JP's big guns? Raro wins reward, and they get to decide whom to exile. Adam decides they should send someone who's already gone, and I'm not certain of the logic here. Keeping track of who may have the Idol? The Idol can be transferred, and sending someone who's already been is like giving someone more time to find it. Maybe they just don't want to tick any new people off, so they're just gonna keep sending the same people? Anyway, they decide to send Jonathan, which isn't a bad move since he's one of their stronger members. Jonathan is of course, not thrilled.

CRISTINA COOKS UP SOME TROUBLE

The next morning, Nate and Brad awaken and Nate comments on how well he slept, due to the wine. They must have had one heck of a mellow party because CBS didn't show us any of it and they looooove to show us Survivors getting plastered...er, faded. Then Dumb Adam saunters up and shouts, "Hey guys, I got a octopus stuck to my foot!" ANd no, I did not forget the "n" on "an", Adam did. The rather large octopus his wrapped all around his foot and ankle, but Nate is eventually able to cut the thing off, and Raro rejoices at the idea of eating it. Cristina starts throwing out ideas for recipes, and then starts ordering everyone around. Jenny is especially unimpressed and annoyed at Cristina's attempts to look important by being the one who makes the meals, "It's not that hard to throw together a coconut stew," she snarks. Everyone is seen visibly chafing at Cristina's bossiness. Then, Cristina and Jenny are at the beach, washing up. Jenny is washing some plates and utensils, while Cristina is washing the octopus parts, and Jenny finishes and leaves. For some reason, Cristina doesn't notice, and you would think a police officer would be more aware of her surroundings, but anyway, she lets the tide come in and wash over the bowl of octopus, and calls for help. When Adam comes to help gather the floating pieces, Cristina is quick to blames, "I thought Jenny was here," she explains. How on Earth this is supposed to be Jenny's fault, I'll never know. At the campfire, Adam complains about Cristina's carelessness, while Jenny bristles at her finger-pointing. Rebecca cracks that it should have been Cristina washed out to sea, and Jenny dubs her "the new JP." Someone's losing the ever important popularity contest portion of Survivor!

THE ACCIDENTAL INVADERS

A crab does a little kung-fu fighting across the screen, desperate for his shot at DANCING WITH THE STARFISH. Cao Boi, Ozzy and Jeflicka decide they want to explore a neighboring island for food and supplies. Ozzy asks Candice come with and she frowns, "Ummmmm, like...does the trip include like, doing stuff? Because I don't want to like, DO stuff y'know?" She confides to us, "Not only do I loathe working, but like, I know those guys are gonna be all, "Like, join our alliance, Candice, because you're sooo cool and sooo pretty," and I'll have to be all "Like, uh, thanks but no thanks, like, DUH, I'm already in an alliance, hell-OH, remember how you guys wanted Becky gone and she's like, totally still here? But that would get all awkward and stuff so, I'm just gonna take a nap." Sundra also takes a pass on the journey, and tells us that she knows the trio wants to enlist her in THEIR outsider army, and she's not interested. Yul quickly pulls her into conference with his so-far-no-evil alliance (sans exiled Jonathan Livingston Booby)because they need a fifth, and even though Cao Boi and Jeflicka voted with them the last time, they're too wacky and prone to thinking for themselves to be counted upon. Yul says Sundra's ideal because she's "alone out here," meaning she's the only member of Hiki on the tribe, and, more importantly, she's seemingly unmanipulative. Sundra doesn't mind at all being prodded to join THIS alliance, and signs on immediately. She wants to include Ozzy, but Yul shoots that down, admitting that he just doesn't trust Ozzy. See? Did I or did I not predict a few weeks ago that Yul would come though for me and recognize Ozzy's creepiness? :)

Meanwhile, the three outsiders of iTunes paddle out to the nearby other island, and Ozzy is immediately thrilled to find a plant that can be used as an antiseptic (Nonee, or something like that). "Who knows what else we'll find out here," he exclaims, and just like that they stumble into Raro's campground! They're on Raro! The Raro gang is rather stunned, greeting Ozzy, Cao Boi and Jeflicka with nervous smiles as Cao Boi beams, "How ya doin? We're exploring!" Stephannie is all, "...the hell? Why is this tribe coming our way?" Rebecca then mutters, "Yeah, and it's the three that we can't stand." This season's such a kick so far :) Cao Boi continues to tweak Raro, asking if they're gonna be welcomed, and the unhappy campers put on their polite masks and greet their uninvited guests. Adam simmers with annoyance, as the visitors pick thru their belongings, like Yoda rooting around in Luke's camp in "The Empire Strikes Back." And seriously...is Jeflicka wearing green, thigh-high leg warmers? What's up with that? Then Cao Boi launches into what Parvati describes as a dissertation on "Chinese symbology," which would make a great name for your rock band, but isn't what Cao Boi was talking about because...he's not Chinese. Parvati, seriously, that's why there's "Asian," so white people don't have to feel bad about guessing wrong. Cao Boi drones on and on about the dog and the horse and the turtle and the dragon, as CBS give sus more "passage of time" sun-shots, though I don't know if we can trust them. Cao Boi then suggest that Raro could have half of the coconuts that the he and his fellow island-crashers find on their expedition, and Adam stands up to him, and tells him it's their island and iTunes isn't entitled to any of their coconuts. Then Cao Boi tries to wheedle some of the spices they won the other day and Adam reminds him, "We worked hard for those spices." The rest of Raro is grateful for Adam's willingness to put his foot down, since they were all to afraid of being rude, I guess. But there's a reason each tribe gets its own space, and in previous seasons, winning tribes in challenges have gotten to raid the other camp and it's always very upsetting. And Raro didn't lose, they won the last challenge, and they shouldn't have to put up with these jokers (though it did make for some mighty tasty TV, don't get me wrong). The three finally catch on to the fact that they're not wanted, and amscray back home...where, sadly, they're also not wanted.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

We got a brief update on Jonathan, who's dug up half the beach in his futile attempt to find the Idol, which is actually in Yul's pants, if I'm not mistaken. "It's been found, or I'm a moron, and obviously no one as clever and witty as I am could be a moron, so someone's already got that idol!" he gripes. Later, Jonathan is returned to his tribe at the Immunity Challenge, and Jeff asks him if he thinks he at least knows where it should be and Jonathan makes Yul ALMOST has a visible emotional reaction when he replies, "I think I know where it WAS, but it ain't there now." I think he meant this to sound more ambiguous than it came out. It came out, at least to my ears, like he did NOT find it because he was already gone, but reading it, I can see where he was maybe saying it wasn't there now, baby, because HE had it, maybe. Anyway, the challenge is really cool so let's get to it. First, the tribes have to assemble these stepping stools--long metal poles with a round disk on top. Then they get in the water, and two people from each tribe must more from one pole to the other while the rest of the tribe keeps the pole steady and maneuvers the next one into position so they can stay on top of the stools because if they fall off, they must start over. I think it's a good indication of how good this season is, that I wasn't really rooting for one tribe over the other, which is rare. Also, I've never looked at Survivor as being flawed for being as white as it usually is, but it really is looking like America right now, and if they go back to 90% white Survivor, it'll be a little sad. Okay, anyway, Jenny is first to cross over on the step-stools for Raro, keeping her small body low to the ground. Jeflicka adopts a different strategy, standing tall and balancing (rather remarkably) atop the pole. It's HELLA HARD to do and very fun to watch. Jenny is first across, and so Jeff says, "Jeflicka, close enough to jump," and Jeflicka shakes her head in fear, needing to use one more stool. And I don't know what angle Jeff had on it, but watching it on TV and pausing it, you could see that Jeff was just totally high when he said this, because she was still 5 or 6 feet from the second platform, and could have been hurt had she attempted a leap from the really shaky stepping stool she was teetering on. She gets off soon enough, and Parvati and Becky are next up, both emulating Jenny's low-center-of-gravity style. It's very close as the teams make it atop the first platform and then jump off to swim towards a tower with a small platform on top. They must swim out, climb up, and get all eight of their tribe members on top of the little platform with no body parts touching below a certain level. It's really, really cool and hard and involves major team work. Oh, and no one had trouble with the swimming this season. Raro loses its lead as they struggle to get everyone positioned properly. At one point, Cao Boi falls off the platform and then most of the rest of iTunes does, but they recover, and eventually get their act together before Raro--iTunes wins Immunity!

MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY

Everyone's frustrated at Raro. It was a tough loss because it was so close. At first, it seems clear that Cristina is doomed. Everyone seems to be in agreement that she's annoying and talks a bigger game than she brings to the playing field. Then a Giant Millipede of Horrible horribleness appears to symbolize that not being the case. Or something, yuck, giant millipedes! No mas! Nate goes to the well with Steph to make sure she's onboard with dumping Cristina. Steph seems to agree, knowing it's either gonna be herself or the LAPD officer, but then she says, "I can see myself going home, getting some mashed potatoes and gravy," and she sounds chipper, but it's unclear whether she merely means that she could see the vote turning against her since she almost went home last time, or if she's saying that she really WANTS to be out of the game, eating real food. She does make certain he hears her when he doesn't quite catch it the first time. Nate goes to the boys and tells them that Steph was hinting that she's ready to go, and they seem to be onboard with ousting her instead. Brad tries to convince Parvati to go after Steph, but Steph wants to hear the story straight from Steph, and winds up giving Steph a heads up about how Nate interpreted her comment. This was a good Parvati day, by the way--our very first one. She showed good character and saavy by bothering to get both sides instead of just going along with Nate. Steph laughs off the idea that she was asking to go home, insisting she was just funning with Nate, but then she insists that she's not going to go to Nate and tell him that, "I'm not gonna beg anyone." Uh...okay, nobody's asking you to, but in Survivor, you've gotta make sure you're understood correctly, and if Steph REALLY doesn't want to go home, all she'd have to do is say that, and just that, to Nate. I think she's just to proud to admit she wants to quit. At camp, Parvati, Rebecca and Adam struggle with the decision before them. Adam feels that Steph is dead weight, but Rebecca counters, "Cristina annoys the HELL out of me," and Adam agrees, "Everything she does!" Then Adam relates the mashed potato story, and Parvati offers up what Steph told her, that she was taken out of context. "I'm voting my conscience," she declares. Rebecca has a pensive look on her face, wondering "What's gonna happen tonight?" Adam has a confused look on his face, wondering, "What's 'conscience' mean?"

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff starts out bluntly, "This tribe isn't doing so well." Dumb Adam strikes back, "Our communication is improving--we've been talking about...I mean TO each other all day. We'll be alright, don't you worry about us!" You GO, Dumb Adam. Don't let grumpy Jeff bully you around. Brad and Steph both claim to be equally close to everyone on the tribe. Steph says, "When I'm needed I'm there, and when I'm not needed, I'm not there. Just that simple." Jeff moves on to the Cristina issue. He uses sarcastic quote fingers when he talks of JP's being ousted for being "bossy," and wonders if anyone's put on the bossy-pants now that JP's not around. Nate charges that Cristina can be "overpowering," and adds, "Being told what to do rubs people the wrong way." Jeff, ever weary of cagey Tribal Council cop-outs, is thrilled with Nate's "brutal honesty." Cristina, on the other hand, is stunned, doing a full-on Alfred E. Newman, "Who, Me!?" She claims not to have realized that she was being so domineering, and promises to change her ways, AND claims to be grateful for the reality check--we'll just see about that. Adam chirps in that he assumed Cristina had to know she was being a royal pain, and when Cristina continues to insist she had no idea she was being so offending, Jenny's eyes roll out of her head and over towards Jeff, who refuses to return them. Jeff reminds everyone that the Hidden Immunity Idol could come in to play and Adam frowns, "Oh yeah, I wonder if I found the Idol when I was on the Exile Island! I'll have to ask Nate or Parvati about that, they're SMART." The vote turns out to be a 7-1 landslide against Steph, who clearly was no longer "needed," because she's not "there" anymore. Cristina is granted a reprieve, but I wonder if she can really rise above the outsider status she's created for herself. In her exit, Steph seems to admit she's ready to go, saying that she wishes she could have lasted longer, but her mind wasn't completely in the game. She's a good person, but she was clearly done, and so her time with us is over.

Stephannie finishes in 16th, or what is often called LAST place in your normal 16 person season. In season one, Sonya and her ukelele were sent packing early, due to her age, while much younger Deb was sent home first in the Outback because she was *drumroll*, too bossy. Weird, lying Diane stole those beans with Clarence, and lacked his muscles, so she got an early dismissal from Africa. In the Marquesas, Peter chose the wrong time (is there a right time?) to boast about his mastery of all his, er....Orifices. In Thailand, preacherman John got booted for being, yes, it happens ALL the time in this game, too bossy. In the Amazon, young, self-proclaimed good-looking dude Ryan found himself a weak link on an all-male tribe that wasn't gonna appreciated his mad flirting skills, and in the Pearl Islands we lost one of those unmemorable people, Nicole. I remember that she made an ill-advised attempt at mobilizing against Tijuana and it didn't pan out. In Vanuatu, J.P. (yes, we've actually had two JP's on this show) was kind of a stiff younger guy whose all-male tribe was being young by the "older, fatter dudes." In Palau Jeff claimed to hurt his ankle so he could punk out early and go to the hotel--you're still not fooling us, Jeff! In Guatemala, stuck-up Brianna was punished by Steph and company for not knowing what a pick was, and last season, lumberjill Tina was ousted for being a loner, even though she was the only one on her four-person all-girl tribe who knew what the hell she was doing. It was a pivotal moment in the game though, because Cirie almost went home instead, but she wound up making it all the way to the Final Four.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Stephannie served in the US military during Operation Desert Storm. She lists "The Sound of Music", "The Shawshank Redemption", and "It's a Wonderful Life" as her all-time favorite movies, three movies that would be on my top ten too, so movie night at Stephannie's! :)

NEXT WEEK: Well, they told us up front that it's a double eviction, and it seems unlikely that Cristina will find a way to recover socially, even if she does stop being such a drag. The whole "Cao Boi's crazy!" thing looks like it's gonna heat up, but I suspect the tribe will boot Jeflicka first. At any rate I'm looking forward to it. This is a really fun season--someone should really tell Jeff that. :)

Peace Out!

Christine :D

Survivor 13.4 "Let the king sit pretty."

SO the A's lost BOTH their opening home games in the ACLS, and my beloved Barry Zito got knocked around early and yanked in game one. Hopefully it won't be his last appearance in an A's uniform, but it might be. He's very philosophical in his blog on the A's site, which calmed me down a bit. The A's seemed nervous and outmatched (except for Milton Bradley)and it was really odd that it was our starting pitching that let us down. Still, I'm keeping the faith, it is a seven game series, after all. Let's Go Oakland! Unless you're the Raiders! :D

SCENE AROUND TRIBE

Remember: Becky is on iTunes and is Korean, Rebecca is on Raro and is African American. They are not the same person.

Morning at New iTunes. Ozzy is being quiet, keeping my hate at bay for the moment. Candice is returned from Exile, and Sandra is quick to note the girl's beauty-queen wave. We don't see Candice ask who was voted out last night, which I found odd. Maybe she assumed her new alliance would get things done, and new Cecelia was atop their hit list. Anyway, she is quickly grilled by Jeflicka (I'm splitting the difference), who wants to know if Adam and Parvati were behind her being the one sent away and a gum-chewing Candice is all, "Huh? Wuh? They hate me now? Huh?" Jeflicka either doesn't register or chooses to ignore the daggers of "Dude, be cool!" that Candice is trying to send her way, and presses on. Candice continues to chomp on her gum and sound stupid, "They probably sent me because I'm like, the youngest? I dunno." Jeflicka sighs wearily, "I can't figure why they'd send you unless they were trying to protect you, like, we couldn't have voted you off even if we wanted to." Candice then claims she "didn't have the time" to think about these questions on Exile Island, where there's no one to talk to, and really, nothing else to do BUT think. Candice later admits to us that she was merely playing dumb about Adam and Parvati's shielding her, because she doesn't want her new tribe to think she had a "Get of Jail Free Card," as we then get to see her pour it on with Sundra, "They gave me Immunity last night? No WAY!" She does a reeeeaally good stupid, let me tell you, but I got the feeling that Sundra wasn't buying it.

Meanwhile, at Raro, the men are sitting around laughing and drinking coconut juice or milk or what have you, while the women spruce up the shelter. This offends Parvati, yes THAT Parvati, Miss Flirt and Destroy, would like us to believe that she's some sort of feminist. She complains that the men feel they rule the roost because of their muscles (and Parvarti's constant eye-batting flattery probably helps too). The CBS promos made it seem like the men were slacking off and the ladies were doing all the work, but really, the men have been fishing all day and not fake fishing or futile fishing, like in previous seasons, but real, actual, "Here's a bunch of stuff for you to eat," fishing. So they're not weaving palm fronds, who the hell cares? JP IS feeling pretty cocky though as he boasts, "We're strong--stronger than the guys on the other tribe. And it's not like they ever have challenges based on brains, speed, skill or teamwork, right? Why as a matter of fact no, I haven't ever watched this show." He proclaims the four-guy alliance of himself, Brad, Adam and Nate to be solid and relaxed in their power-position within the tribe. Then he goes off to count some chickens that haven't hatched yet.

REWARD CHALLENGE

JP and Cristina display surprise and bummed-outness when they see that CeCe has left the building. Jeff presents a pretty meager reward: a hammock, some blankets and pillows. They're eating so well that it almost doesn't seem to matter who wins, though there is that whole Exile thing to factor in, plus bragging rights. Jeff is wearing a yellow shirt. I can almost guarantee that this is the first time he's ever worn yellow on the show and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not a very manly shade of yellow either it's very Easter-on-the-golf-course. I bet Julie picked it out. Anyway, Stephannie sits out for New Raro. The challenge is...an obstacle course, where two members are hooked into ropes that are twisted around the whole course, and team has to work together to untangle the ropes by maneuvering the girls around the course: Becky and Candice for iTunes, Jenny and Cristina for Raro. iTunes leads almost from the beginning, in part because Cao Boi flings the girls into the air and around logs willy nilly. When Becky frets that Candice is getting hurt, Cao Boi scoffs, "Don't worry about her, just do your job." Jonathan admonishes Cao Boi and the rest of the team, "Gently, guys! Let's not kill these girls." "Eh, we'll give 'em a pillow tonight," Cao Boi shrugs. Am I the only one who hearts Cao Boi? He says these potentially terrible things but I always laugh. Despite their philosophical differences regarding the girls' well-being, iTunes works waaaay better as a team than Raro. When Cristina asks for more slack, the guys shoot down her request and she becomes hopelessly tangled and stuck because the guys are idiots. Oh, I forgot to mention, after the obstacle course part, they have to solve a puzzle, and one person has to swim out maybe 150, 200 yards to get this KICK ASS decoder wheel, that's like a ship's wheel with numbers and letters on it. I want it so bad, but I'm always broke when that stuff comes up for auction. There are some hella rich Survivor fans out there, let me tell ya, and the stuff in my price range is always like, a crusty dinner plate. Anyway, Ozzy swims out and gets the Kick Ass Decoder Wheel (good band name, don't you think?) but iTunes struggles with the puzzle, allowing Raro to catch up when Brad returns with their Kick Ass Decoder Wheel. In the end, iTunes wins, and they send Adam away, which seems to especially please Jeflicka. Adam acts like it's no big deal, like it's so no big deal it's practically HILARIOUS, and he's whisked away. We get some cool whale shots, whales are awesome.

OZZY HASN'T WATCHED THIS SHOW EITHER

Back at camp, iTunes celebrates their victory of brains, teamwork and skill over brawn. Ozzy, who truly is like something out of Jungle Book, catches fish with his bare hands and his mouth and his feet and flings them in the boat, while Jonathan, sounding like a long-lost Alda brother can only marvel at the younger man's mad skills. Ozzy is quite proud of himself, and brags, "I'm happy being the sole provider of this tribe, and I feel like I have the most power because without me, everyone will SUFFER, so I'll never be voted out! And no, to answer your question, I have never before watched this show." The others will suffer soon enough should they cross him, but they don't know that, so everyone heaps praise on him for doing all the work so they won't have to. Yul dubs him Poseidon--for the Greek God of the Sea, not the disaster movie....yet.

ALL HAIL KING JP

At Raro, good-natured Nathan gives everyone a much need pep talk. He reasons that's it good for the team to get a little humbled, but the reality is, it wasn't an Immunity Challenge, so no one's going home, so who really cares, right? He does feel bad for Exiled Adam--probably because he's trying to imagine Adam being able to entertain himself, and somehow accidentally bashing in his own head with a clam. Then JP starts bossing all the girls around, ordering them about and micro-managing every last thing, and then kicking back to bask in his own JPness. Survivor's very own Gloria Steinem takes a break from her regularly scheduled power-flirting to assure us, "That just doesn't fly with me at ALL," cut to: (and seriously, God bless the editors of this show) JP telling her to fetch a machete and her hopping right to it. As we watch JP sprawled out and dozing between fits of command-giving, Parvati enlightens us, "JP is very demanding, but in a very sly, subtle way, that can only be noticed by keen observers of the human animal, like me." Like EVERYONE, Parvati. JP's an ass, no freakin' duh. Then she goes on to revel in how great she is at flirting, sigh, though I guess she is--she certainly has Nate wrapped around her...finger. So far, just the finger. As they whisper alone around the campfire, he tells her that the four men of Raro are very tight, but he assures her he's looking out for her too, "You're not gonna get, like, swooped off." Of course, we've never seen a four-man alliance last very long, because it usually behooves men to go against women in Individual Immunity contests (or at least, so they believe). In the 13 season run of Survivor, we've never had four men in the Final Four. We've had three men and one woman only twice (Africa and the Amazon) and in the Amazon, the woman won. I really dislike Parvati--I don't hate her, but she offends me as a woman, and she seems to be obviously playing up to the cameras. I do like Nate, but the fact that he's so into her is making me lose respect for him. He says of her that "...she's smart, but I can definitely trust her," as though he doesn't normally trust smart people, and then he calls her his "ace," ala Boston Rob with boobalicious nitwit Sarah in the Marquesas. Nate is aware of the potential for disaster regarding a reality showmance, claiming he doesn't want to be a "dum-dum" in regards to the lava-tornado of come-hitherness that Parvati unleashes on him at every waking second. I'm torn between wanting Nate to be smart because I like him, and wanting him to do something stupid so I can use the charmingly old-fashioned "dum-dum" nickname he's already prepared for me. ANYWAY, Parvati frets about JP's calling all the shots, and Nate tells her to relax--it benefits them to let him think he's in charge, and until it interferes with their game, they should just, as he puts it, "let the King sit pretty." Parvati decides to heed this advice...for tonight...

JONNY BOO-HOOS OVER CAO-BOI'S BOOBY BOO-BOO

In your face, Daily Variety. Back at iTunes, Ozzy, Jonathan, Cao Boi and Jeflicka go on a hike, and come across a booby (insert immature giggle here) in her nest. The band surmises she's sitting on eggs, and Cao Boi shinnies up a tree in order to poach them. The rest of the gang is kinda "eh, whatever" about the prospect of booby (oh, grow up!) eggs but Cao Boi gets it in his head that he must prove he can do it, so he does it. He gets attacked by the bird in the process and dumps the whole nest on the ground, and, sadly, there are no eggs to recover. Instead, there's a quaking newly hatched baby bird, which Jonathan cradles in his hands and gets all sensitive and weepy about, which only highlights the whole Alda-thing AND makes me like Jonathan a little because cares about defenseless baby birdies. I seem to change week to week on the guy, so I'm sure to hate him in the next episode, right? Anyway, Cao Boi is able to restore the nest (in a fashion) and return the baby to its mother, no harm no...fowl, and everyone apologizes to the bird and Cao Boi feels humbled and vows to stop doing stupid things (yeah, right) and the CBS promos made this out to be some kind of major tribe-dividing event and it soooo wasn't, so, once again, they lied to us through editing, tricky bastards!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Dumb Adam returns from Exile as the tribes gather for the next Immunity contest. He may be dumb, but he's loved, and he gets a very huggy and kissy welcome home from his demonstrative tribe, while an embarrassed and repressed iTunes tribe looks away to avoid the public display of affection. Jeff explains the contest: four people assemble a puzzle that becomes a stretcher, they run to the beach, one of them swims out to "rescue" a member that's been shackled out there, they swim in, the rescuee gets on the stretcher, then they race back to camp where the three remaining tribe members must build a signal fire big enough to alert Jack that...wait, no, it's to lure the Others into a trap...oh NOW I remember, it just needs to burn thru a rope, releasing a flag, you all know the drill by now. Cristina sits out for Raro. Ozzy, Yul, Jonathan and Jeflicka build and race with the stretcher to rescue their lightest person, Candice, while Raro's macho men, Nate, Adam, JP and Brad rescue Parvati. Raro gets a lead building and running with the stretcher, but it evaporates when Ozzy blows doors on JP in the swimming portion (Brad would seem a better choice for Raro, having done well in the previous challenge's swim). The jump that the girls and their rescuers have to do to get down from their prisons is high and scary! Yikes! So iTunes' Cao Boi, Sundra and Becky get a pretty good lead on Raro's Rebecca, Stephannie and Jenny at starting the fire. Cao Boi gets the team's straw to smoke, and he starts dancing around to try and get it to ignite, causing Jeff to predict, "Cao Boi's either gonna be the hero, or just silly." It's the former, as Raro can't get it done, despite a mighty effort in which Jenny slices her hand open with an axe. Survivor ain't for sissies, ya'll. iTunes wins Immunity!

SISTERS ARE DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES

Back at Raro, Adam tries to piece together some kind of pep-talk using his limited vocabulary, but it falls flat. The women are resigned to the fact that one of them is going home, while the men are bummed about losing one of the girls (Nate looks to protect both his ace Parvati and his Hiki "Supremes", Stephannie and Rebecca). They are in no way concerned about their own skins, because you just don't get rid of a big buff dude until the merge--just ask Clarence Black, who was reviled by his tribe for filching beans in Africa, but survived because he was useful in challenges. Parvati lets the fire ladies off the hook, shrugging, "We were up against a Zen fire master, you guys!" and Jenny grimaces: perhaps due to her smarting hand, perhaps because she wonders whether Parvati would have invoked a Japanese philosophy had, say, Jonathan been the one to successfully stoke iTunes flame. Then Stephannie stuns everyone by declaring the loss her fault and herself the tribe's weakest link. The men, even a saddened Nathan, decide that Stephannie MUST go now, and Cristina suggests they at least tell her that's what's gonna go down, out of respect. Nathan likes that, "She leaves on a red carpet," he smiles. JP yawns regally and decrees, "Respect, great, great. You all handle that while I retire to my chambers." So JP goes to sleep...and the women go to work.

THis was a great episode for finally getting to get some insight into these ladies, many of whom have taken a back seat to their more outspoken tribemates so far. The heretofore silent Jenny comes up to Rebecca and asks whether the vote is going against Stephannie tonight, and an unthrilled Rebecca confirms that Stephannies mea culpa moment made it easy to give her the boot. "I wish she hadn't because I feel it makes us weaker," she sighs. Jenny knows what's what, "You mean us girls?" There's some awesome steel-drum music playing during all this, by the way. So Jenny and Rebecca decide to go off and talk turkey. Rebecca figures that the women have a 5-4 majority over the men right now, so this is the best time to make their move, rather then get in a pattern of voting out all the women in turn. Jenny is onboard, "I'm not ready to go home," she declares, so OVER her bloody wound, and ready to throw down. Rebecca smiles, "Girl? I'm not either!" Elsewhere, Cristina is having a heart-to-heart with Stephannie, who deeply regrets taking sole responsibility for the group's failure. Cristina frowns, "I think the guys took that as a sign of weakness." I can't believe I set myself up like that!" Steph cries. As if waiting off-stage for that perfect cue, Jenny slides up and offers, "There's a way to save yourself--a girl's alliance." Cristina is thrilled an quick to join up, and is also very quick to suggest her former iTunes team mate, JP. She was not impressed with his Billy-bullying and feels he can't be trusted. The only problem Cristina sees is Parvati, who's a lot closer to the men than she is the girls, "She'll talk to Nate and Nate will talk to the guys," she predicts. Jenny runs the JP scenario by a seemingly highly dubious Parvati, who gives her a weak "Let me think about it." Jenny is unrattled and unconcerned, quickly turning the girls' attention to a shocked Brad, who Jenny claims to trust, "to a point." Jenny is ALL business, and she came to PLAY. I will freely admit that I thought Stephannie WOULD go, and was merely pleased that everyone was hip to JP's game and willing to oust him eventually. After years of watching this show, I (happily)still know...nothing... :D

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff starts things off by asking Nate about what kind of role he's taking in the tribe, and Nate says he's still hiding a bit in his shell, "You can't be too assertive too early," he reasons, as the camera takes a perplexed JP, who wonders, "Why the hell not?" Jeff asks Jenny if the tribe has a leader and she hedges, "Uh...........................................not..................really." She then apologizes to JP before saying that JP likes to take command a lot. JP is tickled by Jenny's words and assures Jeff that he doesn't boss any one around. Hokay. Rebecca doesn't understand why she and the others couldn't make fire at the challenge because they do it all the time around camp. Jeff then asks Stephannie whether it would be fair to oust her because she failed to make that particular fire and she says it wouldn't be fair, and that everyone should consider the big picture. JP agrees heartily with this, freely admitting that Ozzy kicked his butt on the swim to the captives and he concurs with Stephannie that evictions shouldn't be based on the challenges. He's being so diplomatic at this point that I assumed he knew his name was coming up and he was already working on building bridges to the remaining four women, but he was in fact, oblivious to the drama swirling around him. Then Brad answered Jeff's inquiry about trust with a "trust is everything," and "I trust my gut 95% of the time" one-two punch, and I figured the guy's alliance was hanging tough for sure. Jeff asks Parvati if she trust everyone and she cops out. You know what would be great? If Parvati was as interesting as she imagines herself to be. Rebecca tells Jeff that tonight's business has to be done, and JP adds, "This will be my hardest vote yet, which isn't saying much since I totally despised that creepy little turd, Billy, but I still hope it sounds sincere." Onto the vote: JP is regretful of his anti-Stephannie vote, though he does condemn her for her moment of weakness, which is apparently abhorrent to MEN, RAH! Nate, working on outdated intel, tells Steph, "Your wish is my command." What winds up happening is that JP goes down 5-2!!! Brad, and an absolutely miserable-looking Adam go along with the stunning vote...and it seems like Nate didn't see it coming either. JP is positively gracious in defeat, taking the turn around like a man and with the understanding that it's just a game, and he got outplayed, "You guys outwitted me, big time," he says as Jeff quelches his flame. Jeff leaves the group with a snarky, "Hope you guys, and by guys I really mean girls, have a plan to start winning after voting out your strongest man, hello!" Oh Jeff, stop acting like there's one right way to play Survivor. This was great television, dang it!

JP is only the fourth person to be voted out in 17th place. In Vanuatu, sweet shepherd Dolly inadvertently played both sides of the fence when she tried to make friends with both factions of the all-woman tribe, and got the boot. In Palau, Ashlee, a nice, unmemorable girl (Mormon? Maybe?) paid the price as the losingest tribe in Survivor history continued down its path of infamy, and in Guatemala we said goodbye to Morgan...I'm sure you don't remember saying hello to her. Uh...she was blond, had some weird job--magician's assistant? She didn't amount to much, at any rate.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACTS

JP played volleyball at Long Beach State and has been an assistant coach for that school's women's team, so I guess that's it, he's just used to bossing girls around. He comes off really cool in his bio--big supporter of women's athletics, passionate about cancer research having lost both his parents to the disease--and he list "The Goonies as one of his all-time favorite flicks. He also claims that Survivor is one of his favorite TV shows, so...I guess he HAS watched the show. Didn't learn much: In the early stages of the game, it rarely pays to be bossy.

I hope to get the next review of to you before the next episode airs, but I always say that, don't I? Peace Out, and unless you're a lifelong Tigers fan or something, send my Oakland boys some love, would ya?

Peace Out, Christine :D

Survivor 13.3 "If it's true, it's true. But it's not true."

Yipes, I'm a week late! And so it begins...

AS THE GAME TURNS

Night at iTunes. Everyone is still agog about Billy's bizarre love rantings at Tribal Council. Well, everyone except Ozzy, who's busy applying machete to coconut (I think. Are those green things coconuts? Am I dumb for not knowing?) Overprotective Cristina suggests that mean ol' Candice has been been taking advantage of poor Billy, while JP makes the more accurate guess: Candice barely knows who Billy is, nothing actually happened. He later tells us, "If it's true it's true. But...it's not true." Say it like you mean it, big boy. Elsewhere, Cao Boi continues to get under his sensitive tribemates skins, leaving red marks on the insides of their heads, as well as on the outsides. This particular morning, he's laughing about a Vietnamese acquaintance of his who moved to America so his kids could have a better life. Cao Boi declares this a joke, "Those kids will be in Iraq," Cao Boi chuckles, while Brad rolls his eyes and Jenny frets silently. An irritated Becky argues through gritted teeth, "What if they want to go to college," but she's drowned out by Cao Boi's mutterings about needing to have "blue lineage" to escape the currently non-existent draft, as Creedance Clearwater Revival's "Fortunate Son" plays in the background. Brad tells us that he's already had a "Come To Jesus" meeting with Cao Boi, and he thinks Cao Boi's crazy and in need of medication and otherwise unlikely to change. "The guy does not shut up!" Which is true, but as jabbermouth contestants go, Cao Boi is one of the most entertaining to listen to. According to his bio, Cao Boi is ex-military--82nd Airborne, no less, and he spend his childhood in war-torn Viet Nam, so his views on conflict and the U.S. are complicated, to say the least. Tree Mail arrives at Raro, telling the Survivors that they'll need to rely on their intuition and powers of observation to deal with what's coming next. Dumb Adam should be worried but he doesn't know what those words mean, so he's all smiles.

SHAKE IT UP

The tribes gather on the challenge beach. Candice does not seem affected in the least by Billy's departure, go figure. Yul returns from exile to the applause of his tribe, Immunity Compass hidden on his person. Jeff then gathers up the Idol pieces and tells everyone to drop their buffs--it always sounds so dirty, doesn't it?
Cao Boi looks shocked and asks "Take off our WHATS?" "Our BUFFS!" Becky hissed, so absolutely done with Cao Boi. "It's now time to integrate!" Jeff actually, unfortunately says. Some look excited, while others look worried and bummed. There's this elaborate process in which the tribes are picked, that involves team captains, but since they were extremely limited in who they were allowed to pick it wasn't very interesting or revealing (except that the women were all "pretty lady" and "sister" and "cutie" with each other, and the guys were all, "Blue shirt, grr!"), so I will just announce the new tribes:

New iTunes consists of: Cecelia and Ozzy from iTunes, Sundra from Hiki, Becky, Yul and Cao Boi from Puka and Jonathan, Candice and Jessica aka Flicka from Raro.

New Raro is made up of: JP and Cristina from iTunes, Rebecca, Stephannie, and Nate from Hiki, Jenny and Brad from Puka, and Parvati and Dumb Adam from Raro.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU, THE SEQUEL

It's unclear exactly why iTunes and Raro were picked as the beaches. I'm assuming they were either the best locations, or maybe the best shelters? Everyone does seem impressed with their new digs, but then, does that mean Raro finally put up a shack? At New Raro, Parvati suggests a party, and everyone gets in a big circle of get-to-know-youness. Spell check just LOVES it when I say crap like that, by the way. Spellcheck has no sense of humor nor whimsy, and it loathes puns. Stephannie asks about how everyone felt when they were told they'd be divided by race, and JP states that he thought it was great because it would draw attention to race issues and spark discussions. This is the only opinion we hear, and I'm sure that has absolutley nothing with the fact that it also happens to be the CBS/Mark Burnett party line. Stephannie declares her relief at the new arrangement, "It's about individual heart and soul, not color. It's about what each person brings to the tribe. And Rebecca and Sundra are on different tribes so they can't gang up on me, so that's a bonus." Parvati gushes, "We're back to America! We're a melting pot again!" She's wearing a Packers hat, boo hiss. Anyone else watch Brett Favre suck on Monday Might Football? It was great, but the talking heads of course had to constantly remind us of how Brett Farve is like Jesus in cleats and he's the best guy ever and he only throws 19 interceptions a game because he's trying so hard to win--you know, winning didn't even EXIST before Favre started playing. Teams would just play til there was a tie and then they'd stop and say, "that was fun." And then the analysts extolled him for playing in a million consecutive games, and said the streak was more impressive than Cal Ripkin's million-game streak, although personally, I don't remember Ripkin ever having to chug vicodin to stay on the field. I digress. Brad assures us that he doesn't really care who's on his tribe, because he's playing to win. Then he takes a five dollar bill out of his pocket and mails it to Lambeau Field, because Brett Favre, the pillbilly who can't pronounce his own last name, copywrited winning in 1993.

At New iTunes, Jonathan is liking the new shelter, "It has a floor and everything!" Cecelia makes everyone feel welcome as she proudly shows off the camp. Cao Boi explains, "She's so gracious because she's Hispanic, and that's how they are: Mi casa is su casa!" Surprisingly, he does not couple this cultural generalization with an ethnic joke. Jessica (who seems to maybe prefer to be called Flicka, but I'm not ready) is all, "I feel the totally like, positive vibrations of this new tribe, man. It's like, a real change in energy!" Outta sight! Cecelia decides to get the straight scoop about Billy's love connection declaration, bringing up the bizarre Tribal Council to Candice in front of the rest of the shocked and amused new tribe. A baffled Candice relates what we all saw for ourselves: he was all "woe is me," and she offered him the compassion of the entire Raro tribe. Everyone has a laugh at Billy's expense, and part of me feels sorry for him, but part of me doesn't because women are always having to deal with unwelcome (and sometimes dangerous) attention when pathetic losers mistake kindness or politeness for "Dude, she's like TOTALLY into me." Billy may indeed be a sweet guy, but he jumped to such a wrong conclusion based on so little, I'm just not prepared to let him off the hook, and Gavin de Becker would SO back me up, so there.

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

Back at New Raro, Jenny and Parvati laugh as the men bond over carrying heavy rocks, Grrrrrr! Men! Rah! Then Parvati bats her eyelashes and insists she's ready to "flirt and destroy" because that's what she's best at, and we see her coo at a helpless Dumb Adam, "You're my Baby Monkey." It's revolting, really. Parvati is one of the fakest Survivors I can remember, she's just so obviously "acting!" when she does her "I'm a maneater" routing for the camera. We've had plenty of legitimate flirts on the show, and I can't honestly remember any of them trying so damn hard. Later, Nate, an African-American man who can swim very well, on Survivor, you heard it it first, goes spear-fishing, and gets hold of a huge octopus. It is so strong and massive, he has to call for help, and both JP and Brad struggle along with him to bring in the giant animal. Nate is rightly proud of his catch, as Parvati leans suggestively against a palm tree and vamps like freakin' Mae West, "That is a lot of MEAT, Nate. I bet you could eat that whole big thing yourself, BIG BOY." She's seriously embarrassing. Though it should be noted....Nate did not mind one bit.

Meanwhile, at New iTunes, Becky and Candice are stratagizing like grown-ups, initiating a tentative alliance with each other, Yul and Jonathan. Candice tells Becky that Jonathan is totally trustworthy and he's never done anything shady, and Becky's like, "Oh, that's great, that's important," but then, when Becky and Jonathan discuss who they can rope in as a disposable fifth-wheel, Jonathan boasts, "Oh, I can get Flicka to do whatever I say until we need to throw her away like yesterday's Hollywood Reporter," and Becky is all, "Awesome!" So playing Jessica like a sucker, apparently, does not fall into their definition of shady, hmmm, interesting. It KINDA makes me uncomfortable that, by virtue of the make-up of the original tribes, we now have the whites and Asians plotting against the blacks and Hispanics, although, I guess they're looking to get rid of the non-conformist Cao Boi and Jessica as well...so...I guess it's...okay. I mean, it is Survivor, and they are relying on the initial alliances they were able to make, and they ARE anti-Ozzy...Hmmm. Anyway, Jonathan goes to Jessica with his version of the plan, one that makes it seem like he, Jessica and Candice are a solid three, and that they're trying to form a larger voting block. "I think we can get together with a couple of the Asians," he actually says. Um. There are only three Asians on your 9 person tribe right now, Jonathan. I think you can like, learn and use their NAMES. Then Jessica goes all Gabe-from-Rotu on him, and starts freaking out over having to play the game, "I'm kinda just into like, everyone right now, and getting to know them as like, spirits and like, I don't even want to think about like, the game--" "Good," Jonathan barks, "I'll do your thinking for you, sweetheart." Ugh, Jonathan bugs me again. Jessica reminds us that she was never that comfortable with her original tribe, and she isn't sure she wants to stay in an alliance with Jonathan and Candice, "I'm just here to make friends and go as long as I can without feeling fake," she sighs. Yeah, good luck with that, dead-girl-walking. Later, Becky tells Yul of the efforts she's made in aligning them with Jonathan and Candice, and maybe Jessica, although she mentions Cecelia and Ozzy as well. Watch it Becky, I mostly like you guys except for Jonathan, but you are one Ozzy away from me dubbing your fledgling alliance "evil." Decent Yul reasons, "If we voted along Tribal lines, Ozzy, Cecelia and Sundra would be voted out anyway. Oh, and by the way, I found the Hidden Idol, Becky." "Excellent," smiles a pleased but controlled Becky. Yul tells her he'd use it to save her if he had to, and she wisely advises him not to tell Jonathan and Candice about his find, despite their alliance. She's probably having as difficult time as I am, trying to imagine Jonathan keeping his mouth shut.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

I always make fun of the obstacle courses, and its not like I think they have loads of other options, but it sure is nice when they switch it up a little. Burnett and company bring back one of the coolest challenges in recent history: a race. There is a circle course in the water, and the teams start off an equal distance from each other, each member carrying a sandbag. The teams race to catch the other. People can drop out after the first lap, but must give their weight to other tribe members. We first saw this challenge in Palau, when Fireman Tom showed himself to be an Iron Man, and Steph showed her heart in defeat, as she was the only girl to finish the race. This time around, all the women drop out rather quickly, except for Raro's Rebecca, who hangs in pretty long, though doesn't finish. Thank goodness they didn't put Rebecca and Becky on the same team, it is confusing enough. iTunes tries hard, but is outmatched by Raro's beefcake. Ozzy throws off the weights he was carrying in disgust--losing sucks when you aren't doing it on purpose, eh? Raro makes the unanimous decision to send Candice into Exile...and Immunity, since she won't be around for Tribal Council!

THE SCRAMBLE FOR FICKLE FLICKA

Back at camp, Jonathan is baffled and miffed at the decision to send Candice. Yul thinks the other tribe merely chose to protect who they perceived as the team's weakest physical link. Raro's decision to shield Candice (who was very much safe) has put a damper on Yul, Becky and Jonathan's plan, and now they're scrambling to replace Candice's vote. They're right to be worried, because Cao Boi, who's clashed frequently with Becky, is now gunning for her, as are Ozzy, Cecelia, Sundra...and Jessica? Yes, the ever-conflicted Jessica indeed finds herself in both alliances, and she's not happy about it. She feels she owes Jonathan the truth, so she tells him that the votes going against Becky, and she's not going against that, meaning she's voting out Becky as well. Jonathan is ticked, "What it I tell you to vote for someone else!?" he sputters. Jessica shrugs, "Honestly, I don't have a good vibe about her," she admits. Jonathan is now twice as freaked out because he thought they at least had four against four and now, they're actually outnumbered, "I told her I was gonna do her thinking for her, what is she thinking!?" He starts running numbers by her and us vs. them lingo past her, and it's quite simply a cutthroat language that she doesn't understand. Meanwhile, Yul tries a much calmer, more subtle, not-patronizing approach with Cao Boi. Yul tells him they're going for Cecelia, and Cao Boi doesn't like it. He believes Becky is the weakest link, "She's a princess out here," he sneers. Yul maintains that Becky is both strong and smart, and he tells Cao Boi that sticking with a Raro/Puka alliance right now is the best way to make it to the Merge...Cao Boi and Jessica go off to compare notes. I love it when people on Survivor actually compare notes about what they've been told. They both agree that Jonathan is manipulative and untrustworthy, but they are also both very aware that they're outsiders with everyone--they aren't in an alliance with Ozzy, Cece and Sundra. Cao Boi tells Jessica that even if they can't trust them, aligning with Yul, Jonathan and Becky may make the most strategic sense. Jonathan, who looooves hearing himself speak and may become the next Keith, with all his many, many diary moments, continues to fret about what an idiot Jessica is, and how she doesn't understand Survivor. Well, she understands it enough to know you're only looking out for her to help yourself, dude. Going into the vote, things are in serious flux...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff brings up the race thing, and Jonathan is quick to chirp that it doesn't matter anymore, they're just one tribe now. Sundra admits she's feeling isolated as the only member of Hiki left. Yul and Jonathan both try to navigate around Jeff's boobytrapped interview, as he tries to get them to comment on people (like Jessica) who aren't as interested in playing the game as they might be. Jonathan brings up the valid point that a person who's playing hard still winds up with the unique Survivor experience, while a person who thinks they aren't playing the game winds up affecting the game whether they mean to or not. Jessica confirms that she's uncomfortable with all the manipulation, and having to wonder about people's motivations all the time. How can someone with THAT many tattoos be THAT naive? Ozzy, who's kept a pretty low profile since the shake-up, declares that he'll have a better idea of where people stands when the vote is revealed and he sees whether people were up front with him or not. Onto the vote, and of course Yul is very courteous and respectful as he explains that his vote is not at all personal. Cecelia is a little more animated, but no less sincere when she says the same about her vote for Becky. Then Ozzy comes in and pouts, "You haven't made any effort to get to know me or connect with me at all! So Nyah!" Which is probably true, Becky's rather remote as it is, and also, Ozzy's shiftiness might be setting off the young lawyers alarm bells. Jeff reveals the vote and...whoa. Cecelia goes down in a 5-3 vote--and I gotta admit they got me, I didn't think Cao Boi and Jessica would do it. I was happy because it benefited Yul, who so upstanding, it's hard for me not to root for him. He seems cut from the Colby/Ethan/Bobby Jon cloth. I'm just...not so sure about anyone else in his alliance. Anyway, Ozzy is floored as Jeff points out that the tribe is...not unified. Thank you, Captain Obvious. In her exit, a perhaps relieved Cecelia doesn't seem all that bitter about her ouster, though she does think it was a mistake. I liked her, but there's actually more genuinely likeable people this season than not, so we're gonna have to get used to that.

Cecelia is the fourth player in Survivor history to be voted out in 18th place. In Vanuatu, some guy I don't remember named Brook was ousted. I do remember that he was indeed a guy, and that he was one of the young guys voted out by the "older, fatter dudes," like Sarge. In Palau, forceful Jolanda was punished for trying to lead Steph and Bobby Jon's doomed tribe that went on to lose every single subsequent challenge, while Jolanda mocked them from her couch--or treadmill, knowing ripped Jolanda. In Guatemala, older-guy Jim tore a pectoral muscle during a challenge, which allowed him to say he got voted out because he was hurt, even though he was also very cranky and critical and that was bound to become a problem down the road anyway.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Cecelia was born and raised in Peru--they should totally do Survivor: Peru! That would ROCK. She attended UC Davis, the alma mater of my twin sister, Jen. Shout out! She's a devoted Oakland A's fan--let's hope she has lots of A's baseball to watch in October. Let's Go Oakland! :D

Peace Out! :D

Christine