Survivor 13.3 "If it's true, it's true. But it's not true."

Yipes, I'm a week late! And so it begins...

AS THE GAME TURNS

Night at iTunes. Everyone is still agog about Billy's bizarre love rantings at Tribal Council. Well, everyone except Ozzy, who's busy applying machete to coconut (I think. Are those green things coconuts? Am I dumb for not knowing?) Overprotective Cristina suggests that mean ol' Candice has been been taking advantage of poor Billy, while JP makes the more accurate guess: Candice barely knows who Billy is, nothing actually happened. He later tells us, "If it's true it's true. But...it's not true." Say it like you mean it, big boy. Elsewhere, Cao Boi continues to get under his sensitive tribemates skins, leaving red marks on the insides of their heads, as well as on the outsides. This particular morning, he's laughing about a Vietnamese acquaintance of his who moved to America so his kids could have a better life. Cao Boi declares this a joke, "Those kids will be in Iraq," Cao Boi chuckles, while Brad rolls his eyes and Jenny frets silently. An irritated Becky argues through gritted teeth, "What if they want to go to college," but she's drowned out by Cao Boi's mutterings about needing to have "blue lineage" to escape the currently non-existent draft, as Creedance Clearwater Revival's "Fortunate Son" plays in the background. Brad tells us that he's already had a "Come To Jesus" meeting with Cao Boi, and he thinks Cao Boi's crazy and in need of medication and otherwise unlikely to change. "The guy does not shut up!" Which is true, but as jabbermouth contestants go, Cao Boi is one of the most entertaining to listen to. According to his bio, Cao Boi is ex-military--82nd Airborne, no less, and he spend his childhood in war-torn Viet Nam, so his views on conflict and the U.S. are complicated, to say the least. Tree Mail arrives at Raro, telling the Survivors that they'll need to rely on their intuition and powers of observation to deal with what's coming next. Dumb Adam should be worried but he doesn't know what those words mean, so he's all smiles.

SHAKE IT UP

The tribes gather on the challenge beach. Candice does not seem affected in the least by Billy's departure, go figure. Yul returns from exile to the applause of his tribe, Immunity Compass hidden on his person. Jeff then gathers up the Idol pieces and tells everyone to drop their buffs--it always sounds so dirty, doesn't it?
Cao Boi looks shocked and asks "Take off our WHATS?" "Our BUFFS!" Becky hissed, so absolutely done with Cao Boi. "It's now time to integrate!" Jeff actually, unfortunately says. Some look excited, while others look worried and bummed. There's this elaborate process in which the tribes are picked, that involves team captains, but since they were extremely limited in who they were allowed to pick it wasn't very interesting or revealing (except that the women were all "pretty lady" and "sister" and "cutie" with each other, and the guys were all, "Blue shirt, grr!"), so I will just announce the new tribes:

New iTunes consists of: Cecelia and Ozzy from iTunes, Sundra from Hiki, Becky, Yul and Cao Boi from Puka and Jonathan, Candice and Jessica aka Flicka from Raro.

New Raro is made up of: JP and Cristina from iTunes, Rebecca, Stephannie, and Nate from Hiki, Jenny and Brad from Puka, and Parvati and Dumb Adam from Raro.

GETTING TO KNOW YOU, THE SEQUEL

It's unclear exactly why iTunes and Raro were picked as the beaches. I'm assuming they were either the best locations, or maybe the best shelters? Everyone does seem impressed with their new digs, but then, does that mean Raro finally put up a shack? At New Raro, Parvati suggests a party, and everyone gets in a big circle of get-to-know-youness. Spell check just LOVES it when I say crap like that, by the way. Spellcheck has no sense of humor nor whimsy, and it loathes puns. Stephannie asks about how everyone felt when they were told they'd be divided by race, and JP states that he thought it was great because it would draw attention to race issues and spark discussions. This is the only opinion we hear, and I'm sure that has absolutley nothing with the fact that it also happens to be the CBS/Mark Burnett party line. Stephannie declares her relief at the new arrangement, "It's about individual heart and soul, not color. It's about what each person brings to the tribe. And Rebecca and Sundra are on different tribes so they can't gang up on me, so that's a bonus." Parvati gushes, "We're back to America! We're a melting pot again!" She's wearing a Packers hat, boo hiss. Anyone else watch Brett Favre suck on Monday Might Football? It was great, but the talking heads of course had to constantly remind us of how Brett Farve is like Jesus in cleats and he's the best guy ever and he only throws 19 interceptions a game because he's trying so hard to win--you know, winning didn't even EXIST before Favre started playing. Teams would just play til there was a tie and then they'd stop and say, "that was fun." And then the analysts extolled him for playing in a million consecutive games, and said the streak was more impressive than Cal Ripkin's million-game streak, although personally, I don't remember Ripkin ever having to chug vicodin to stay on the field. I digress. Brad assures us that he doesn't really care who's on his tribe, because he's playing to win. Then he takes a five dollar bill out of his pocket and mails it to Lambeau Field, because Brett Favre, the pillbilly who can't pronounce his own last name, copywrited winning in 1993.

At New iTunes, Jonathan is liking the new shelter, "It has a floor and everything!" Cecelia makes everyone feel welcome as she proudly shows off the camp. Cao Boi explains, "She's so gracious because she's Hispanic, and that's how they are: Mi casa is su casa!" Surprisingly, he does not couple this cultural generalization with an ethnic joke. Jessica (who seems to maybe prefer to be called Flicka, but I'm not ready) is all, "I feel the totally like, positive vibrations of this new tribe, man. It's like, a real change in energy!" Outta sight! Cecelia decides to get the straight scoop about Billy's love connection declaration, bringing up the bizarre Tribal Council to Candice in front of the rest of the shocked and amused new tribe. A baffled Candice relates what we all saw for ourselves: he was all "woe is me," and she offered him the compassion of the entire Raro tribe. Everyone has a laugh at Billy's expense, and part of me feels sorry for him, but part of me doesn't because women are always having to deal with unwelcome (and sometimes dangerous) attention when pathetic losers mistake kindness or politeness for "Dude, she's like TOTALLY into me." Billy may indeed be a sweet guy, but he jumped to such a wrong conclusion based on so little, I'm just not prepared to let him off the hook, and Gavin de Becker would SO back me up, so there.

GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

Back at New Raro, Jenny and Parvati laugh as the men bond over carrying heavy rocks, Grrrrrr! Men! Rah! Then Parvati bats her eyelashes and insists she's ready to "flirt and destroy" because that's what she's best at, and we see her coo at a helpless Dumb Adam, "You're my Baby Monkey." It's revolting, really. Parvati is one of the fakest Survivors I can remember, she's just so obviously "acting!" when she does her "I'm a maneater" routing for the camera. We've had plenty of legitimate flirts on the show, and I can't honestly remember any of them trying so damn hard. Later, Nate, an African-American man who can swim very well, on Survivor, you heard it it first, goes spear-fishing, and gets hold of a huge octopus. It is so strong and massive, he has to call for help, and both JP and Brad struggle along with him to bring in the giant animal. Nate is rightly proud of his catch, as Parvati leans suggestively against a palm tree and vamps like freakin' Mae West, "That is a lot of MEAT, Nate. I bet you could eat that whole big thing yourself, BIG BOY." She's seriously embarrassing. Though it should be noted....Nate did not mind one bit.

Meanwhile, at New iTunes, Becky and Candice are stratagizing like grown-ups, initiating a tentative alliance with each other, Yul and Jonathan. Candice tells Becky that Jonathan is totally trustworthy and he's never done anything shady, and Becky's like, "Oh, that's great, that's important," but then, when Becky and Jonathan discuss who they can rope in as a disposable fifth-wheel, Jonathan boasts, "Oh, I can get Flicka to do whatever I say until we need to throw her away like yesterday's Hollywood Reporter," and Becky is all, "Awesome!" So playing Jessica like a sucker, apparently, does not fall into their definition of shady, hmmm, interesting. It KINDA makes me uncomfortable that, by virtue of the make-up of the original tribes, we now have the whites and Asians plotting against the blacks and Hispanics, although, I guess they're looking to get rid of the non-conformist Cao Boi and Jessica as well...so...I guess it's...okay. I mean, it is Survivor, and they are relying on the initial alliances they were able to make, and they ARE anti-Ozzy...Hmmm. Anyway, Jonathan goes to Jessica with his version of the plan, one that makes it seem like he, Jessica and Candice are a solid three, and that they're trying to form a larger voting block. "I think we can get together with a couple of the Asians," he actually says. Um. There are only three Asians on your 9 person tribe right now, Jonathan. I think you can like, learn and use their NAMES. Then Jessica goes all Gabe-from-Rotu on him, and starts freaking out over having to play the game, "I'm kinda just into like, everyone right now, and getting to know them as like, spirits and like, I don't even want to think about like, the game--" "Good," Jonathan barks, "I'll do your thinking for you, sweetheart." Ugh, Jonathan bugs me again. Jessica reminds us that she was never that comfortable with her original tribe, and she isn't sure she wants to stay in an alliance with Jonathan and Candice, "I'm just here to make friends and go as long as I can without feeling fake," she sighs. Yeah, good luck with that, dead-girl-walking. Later, Becky tells Yul of the efforts she's made in aligning them with Jonathan and Candice, and maybe Jessica, although she mentions Cecelia and Ozzy as well. Watch it Becky, I mostly like you guys except for Jonathan, but you are one Ozzy away from me dubbing your fledgling alliance "evil." Decent Yul reasons, "If we voted along Tribal lines, Ozzy, Cecelia and Sundra would be voted out anyway. Oh, and by the way, I found the Hidden Idol, Becky." "Excellent," smiles a pleased but controlled Becky. Yul tells her he'd use it to save her if he had to, and she wisely advises him not to tell Jonathan and Candice about his find, despite their alliance. She's probably having as difficult time as I am, trying to imagine Jonathan keeping his mouth shut.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

I always make fun of the obstacle courses, and its not like I think they have loads of other options, but it sure is nice when they switch it up a little. Burnett and company bring back one of the coolest challenges in recent history: a race. There is a circle course in the water, and the teams start off an equal distance from each other, each member carrying a sandbag. The teams race to catch the other. People can drop out after the first lap, but must give their weight to other tribe members. We first saw this challenge in Palau, when Fireman Tom showed himself to be an Iron Man, and Steph showed her heart in defeat, as she was the only girl to finish the race. This time around, all the women drop out rather quickly, except for Raro's Rebecca, who hangs in pretty long, though doesn't finish. Thank goodness they didn't put Rebecca and Becky on the same team, it is confusing enough. iTunes tries hard, but is outmatched by Raro's beefcake. Ozzy throws off the weights he was carrying in disgust--losing sucks when you aren't doing it on purpose, eh? Raro makes the unanimous decision to send Candice into Exile...and Immunity, since she won't be around for Tribal Council!

THE SCRAMBLE FOR FICKLE FLICKA

Back at camp, Jonathan is baffled and miffed at the decision to send Candice. Yul thinks the other tribe merely chose to protect who they perceived as the team's weakest physical link. Raro's decision to shield Candice (who was very much safe) has put a damper on Yul, Becky and Jonathan's plan, and now they're scrambling to replace Candice's vote. They're right to be worried, because Cao Boi, who's clashed frequently with Becky, is now gunning for her, as are Ozzy, Cecelia, Sundra...and Jessica? Yes, the ever-conflicted Jessica indeed finds herself in both alliances, and she's not happy about it. She feels she owes Jonathan the truth, so she tells him that the votes going against Becky, and she's not going against that, meaning she's voting out Becky as well. Jonathan is ticked, "What it I tell you to vote for someone else!?" he sputters. Jessica shrugs, "Honestly, I don't have a good vibe about her," she admits. Jonathan is now twice as freaked out because he thought they at least had four against four and now, they're actually outnumbered, "I told her I was gonna do her thinking for her, what is she thinking!?" He starts running numbers by her and us vs. them lingo past her, and it's quite simply a cutthroat language that she doesn't understand. Meanwhile, Yul tries a much calmer, more subtle, not-patronizing approach with Cao Boi. Yul tells him they're going for Cecelia, and Cao Boi doesn't like it. He believes Becky is the weakest link, "She's a princess out here," he sneers. Yul maintains that Becky is both strong and smart, and he tells Cao Boi that sticking with a Raro/Puka alliance right now is the best way to make it to the Merge...Cao Boi and Jessica go off to compare notes. I love it when people on Survivor actually compare notes about what they've been told. They both agree that Jonathan is manipulative and untrustworthy, but they are also both very aware that they're outsiders with everyone--they aren't in an alliance with Ozzy, Cece and Sundra. Cao Boi tells Jessica that even if they can't trust them, aligning with Yul, Jonathan and Becky may make the most strategic sense. Jonathan, who looooves hearing himself speak and may become the next Keith, with all his many, many diary moments, continues to fret about what an idiot Jessica is, and how she doesn't understand Survivor. Well, she understands it enough to know you're only looking out for her to help yourself, dude. Going into the vote, things are in serious flux...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff brings up the race thing, and Jonathan is quick to chirp that it doesn't matter anymore, they're just one tribe now. Sundra admits she's feeling isolated as the only member of Hiki left. Yul and Jonathan both try to navigate around Jeff's boobytrapped interview, as he tries to get them to comment on people (like Jessica) who aren't as interested in playing the game as they might be. Jonathan brings up the valid point that a person who's playing hard still winds up with the unique Survivor experience, while a person who thinks they aren't playing the game winds up affecting the game whether they mean to or not. Jessica confirms that she's uncomfortable with all the manipulation, and having to wonder about people's motivations all the time. How can someone with THAT many tattoos be THAT naive? Ozzy, who's kept a pretty low profile since the shake-up, declares that he'll have a better idea of where people stands when the vote is revealed and he sees whether people were up front with him or not. Onto the vote, and of course Yul is very courteous and respectful as he explains that his vote is not at all personal. Cecelia is a little more animated, but no less sincere when she says the same about her vote for Becky. Then Ozzy comes in and pouts, "You haven't made any effort to get to know me or connect with me at all! So Nyah!" Which is probably true, Becky's rather remote as it is, and also, Ozzy's shiftiness might be setting off the young lawyers alarm bells. Jeff reveals the vote and...whoa. Cecelia goes down in a 5-3 vote--and I gotta admit they got me, I didn't think Cao Boi and Jessica would do it. I was happy because it benefited Yul, who so upstanding, it's hard for me not to root for him. He seems cut from the Colby/Ethan/Bobby Jon cloth. I'm just...not so sure about anyone else in his alliance. Anyway, Ozzy is floored as Jeff points out that the tribe is...not unified. Thank you, Captain Obvious. In her exit, a perhaps relieved Cecelia doesn't seem all that bitter about her ouster, though she does think it was a mistake. I liked her, but there's actually more genuinely likeable people this season than not, so we're gonna have to get used to that.

Cecelia is the fourth player in Survivor history to be voted out in 18th place. In Vanuatu, some guy I don't remember named Brook was ousted. I do remember that he was indeed a guy, and that he was one of the young guys voted out by the "older, fatter dudes," like Sarge. In Palau, forceful Jolanda was punished for trying to lead Steph and Bobby Jon's doomed tribe that went on to lose every single subsequent challenge, while Jolanda mocked them from her couch--or treadmill, knowing ripped Jolanda. In Guatemala, older-guy Jim tore a pectoral muscle during a challenge, which allowed him to say he got voted out because he was hurt, even though he was also very cranky and critical and that was bound to become a problem down the road anyway.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Cecelia was born and raised in Peru--they should totally do Survivor: Peru! That would ROCK. She attended UC Davis, the alma mater of my twin sister, Jen. Shout out! She's a devoted Oakland A's fan--let's hope she has lots of A's baseball to watch in October. Let's Go Oakland! :D

Peace Out! :D

Christine