Survivor 12.10 "You know I wanna be on your backside, and I want you to be on mine."

TERRY, TERRY, WHY YA BUGGING?

Morning at Chaosa. I mean...Gypsy Cove or whatever. But let's face it, it's still Chaosa plus Terry, who's feeling mighty lonely and sorry for himself, "Sally's gone, and they're all gunning for me, and last night around the fire they were asking me, "Is something wrong?" And I wanted to say, "Yeah, something's wrong--none of you guy's are willing to give me the same blind obedience that I got from my now-extinct old tribe, and it bums me out. How can so many people fail to follow a natural leader such as myself?" He sneers as Danielle and Shane greet each other with a morning hug and congratulate one another for not stabbing the other in the back. Shane claims they'll be the first tribe in Survivor History to stick together until the end, which isn't really true. Hatch and company did it in Season One (yeah, they woulda got rid of Kelly if she'd lost Immunity), Brian kept his band of losers devoted to him in Thailand and many groups of three or four people have remained strong all the way thru, and if that's all you need, why not eject a Jerri or a Clarence or a Coby, if they're gonna queer your million-dollar deal. Then Terry starts on his daily bragging, telling us, "I have to win these next three Immunities, and then I can use my Immunity Idol to get me past the Final Four. Once I'm in the Final Three, heh, c'mon. It's pretty obvious that I'm mentally and physically superior to everyone here." I hate to say it, but I'd rather have Shane win then Terry. Really. He's so confident that he can win this, same has he's won everything else in his life, and...uh uh. No, he's needs to be taken down a few 1000 feet. Just seeing him having to use his Idol before the Final Four would be sooo sweet, please let it happen, PLEASE. So, anyway, this pot of beans sort of dumps into the fire and Courtney gets a little short with Danielle while asking for help with it, and Danielle gets a little defensive about Courtney's snippiness, and it's not anything beyond, that, a typical domestic spat that happens between siblings, roommates, spouses and friends every second of every day and nobody dies or tries to vote anyone out, but Survivor decides to play some ominous music and show Terry grinning at "Chaosa starting to fall apart." News flash Terry: this cantankerous band of nutballs have had waaaay worse blow-outs then that, and they still managed to stick together and kick your tribe's collective butt at most of the Immunity challenges, and they haven't yet bit at your attempts to get them to turn on one another. Still, he's counting on their eventual NEED to turn on each other (especially since he believes he's guaranteed a spot in the Final Three, gag) as paving the way for them all to vote for him, because he won't have betrayed him, but I don't see any of Chaosa giving him the satisfaction. Bruce, meanwhile, returns from an unproductive visit to Casa de Charmin, and announces that he's so constipated, he's in excruciating pain. Courtney chimes in, "Like, I remember this one time when like, I was so constipated? And like, I thought I was having like..." "A child?" Danielle quips. Courtney sighs and glares, "No, Danielle, an appendicitis. And like, I'd really appreciate it of you wouldn't like, interrupt me when we're like, talking about ME. Oh, and like, Bruce." Bruce reveals he hasn't gone to the bathroom since before the Panamanian Village Feast, which is like...I don't have an exact schedule, but it was....8 days ago? Something like that. CBS plays some twinkly poignant music over all this to try to stop people from giggling and get that this is serious. Then the gang gets some dolls to decorate for the upcoming Reward Challenge. They have to make them look like them, so Cirie gives her some bigger boobs, and Shane gives his, for whatever reason, what looks like Seinfeld's infamous puffy shirt...

SURVEY SAYS: COURTNEY SUCKS

Not like most of US needed a survey, but Courtney...she doesn't see what's coming at all. So, it's the game where they all have to take a questionnaire, and then guess who got the most votes for each question, and if they get it right, they get to chop one of any players three ropes. When the third rope is cut, that person's doll is set aflame, and they're out of the Reward Running. The winner gets to go for a spa day, shower, get their clothes washed, and eat a big meal. "Will their be colonics and Raisin Bran, Jeff?" "Uh...no, Bruce." "Hmmmm," Bruce groans. So let's get to it. the first question is: "Who does the least for the tribe." Winner, well, right answer, anyway, is Danielle, who seems amused, not ticked off. Cirie, Aras and Shane all cut Terry out of the game (he gives his chop to Aras). Terry smiles as he bashes fists with an also-fake smiling Aras, and when Jeff says, "Well DUH, Terry, you can't be surprised about this," Terry looks like he's REALLY mad. Dude, I hate when I have to invoke Richard Hatch in a positive way, but he didn't care jack squat about Reward Challenges (True, in season one it was sometimes a slice a pizza and a beer). Eye on the prize, flyboy. The next question is "Who Never Shuts Up," and while Terry and Bruce get some "guess" votes, the winner of the private vote is a SURPRISED Courtney. Now...I get not knowing you're annoying or lazy, but how can you NOT know you talk all the time? Next: Who Mistakenly Believes They Are Running this Game: Shane wins that one, and he casts a bizarre vote for Danielle. Shane, no one, not even Danielle, thinks Danielle is running this game. Shane acts all, 'Who ME?" If you don't want to be perceived as the leader, stop calling the tribe meetings and telling everyone who you think they should vote for. Bruce is cut out of the game and Jeff comments about the "clear pecking order" being established--Jeff, it's been established since before the Merge, even Bruce knows it in his heart of hearts (remember him pointedly thanking his tribe for inviting him to one of SHane's team meetings?). When Shane gets mad at Courtney for cutting one of his ropes, Cirie starts giggling, and really doesn't stop the whole rest of the game. Cirie wins "WHo Would You Most Trust With Your Life," and Terry gets even more sulky when he wins "Who Would You Trust the Least the Watch Your Back." Dude, you've been using your "team's" backs as shields since the Merge, and FOCUS, no one on Chaosa is gonna name-check their own on that one, since they're all professing trust to one another at the moment. Note the way the rope chopping is going--the remaining Chaosans are trying to keep it even. The next question is "Who's the biggest Poseur," and Courtney asks, "Like, what's a Poseur?" "The answer is YOU, Courtney," Jeff replies. Interestingly enough, Shane predicted that HE'D get the most votes on that one--at least he's a LITTLE self-aware [Poseur: a person who assumes or affects a character, manner, sentiment, etc., in order to impress others, for example, tattooing yourself to within an inch of your life]

Shane is voted "Moodiest," and lives up to it when he flips out over COurtney's cutting one of his ropes for a second time, "You're life is changing," he warns. Courtney laughs, "Like, we're playing a game, gimme like, a break!" Bruce reminds Courtney of the stakes of said game, and then Aras steps in to remind everyone that this particular challenge is MEND to splinter the group, as suggests rising above it, and of course Terry has to jeer from the loser-box, "Yeah, it's MEANT to splinter to guys," in this mock-concerned tone that's supposed to make him appear like the evil-genius who engineered any Chaosa meltdown that may or may not occur. Terry, it's the Survivor Producers who are the master-manipulators. All you've managed to do is witness all your allies walk out of the game while showing your cards to everyone and making them all resent the hell out of you. You're strong and smart and can beat everyone in one on one games, but this one is political, and you lost THAT part of the game a LONG time ago--when you sent home Dan, I think. Hokay, Courtney is then voted: Most Easily Succumbs to Intimidation and Most Annoying Person Out Here, in quick succession, and all of the sudden, Miss "We're just playing a game" is angling to play Princess Moody to Shane's dark Prince, and Cirie and America can't stop laughing about it. Shane gets even darker when Cirie puts him out of the game and he starts grumbling about Cirie's flying under the radar, the biggest myth of Survivor. People who "fly under the radar" should really be called, "People who the strong tried to use who turned out to be more dangerous than they thought." This is not just a game of race-running and fire-building, it's a game of relationships and being likable, and it's dangerous to keep people around who everyone likes (like Sandra and Danni, for instance) just because you can kick their ass in most games. Again, Hatch understood that--it's why he stabbed his pal Rudy in the back. When people tell Shane to lighten up he huffs, "I'm just having an emotional reaction--I'm 35 going on 12, remember? I get to throw fits and make it YOUR problem for not being cool with it. You guys are SO not as cool as me." The last question, and only Aras and Cirie remain: Who Would Not Survive On Their Own. Aras votes for Terry, and Cirie at the last moment decides to vote for herself--she's right, she's not offended, and she gets to go on a spa retreat. Terry wonders if Aras lost on purpose and Aras demurs, saying he really doesn't think Terry could survive in the wilderness, which doesn't make any sense since Terry's Mr. Exile Island--Aras lost on purpose. Cirie sends Terry off to Exile Island, "You know I can't send any of Chaosa, Terry," she shrugs. Terry sighs heavily, "I've come to expect all bad things until...something...*sniff*...changes." YOU HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL IN YOUR FREAKING POCKET!! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF! THen Cirie gets to pick two people to go with her, and she chooses Aras and Danielle, claiming she had made promises to them early on in the game and she has to honor them. Shane has another "emotional reaction," in which he kicks the ground and insists, "You made the WRONG CALL with Danielle, and you'll be SORRY." Oy!

WINNING RULES!

Aras, Danielle and Cirie revel in their cool helicopter ride over Panama, the chance of a lifetime, blah blah blah. Cirie admits she just picked the two people she thought she'd have the most fun with, and not surprisingly, the people voted moody, controlling, and annoying didn't make the cut. The group gets a mud massage, and Danielle's is a little too rough for her taste. Then they eat some food and dish. Aras (who didn't annoy me week, go figure), says the challenge pointed out the immaturity of the group, and Dani and Cirie (who were both basically called incompetent and/or lazy and didn't bat an eyelash between them) agree that Courtney and SHane are crazy and childish. Then America is left with jaws-a-hanging when Dani states that Courtney has a huge crush on Shane and the others agree that Courtney like to be picked on by SHane because of the attention he pays to her (even if it's bad) and because he inevitably makes-up for it, and she lives for those moments. Knock me over with a feather...

BRUCE ISN'T LOOSE

Back at camp, Shane is still upset about Cirie's decision to take Danielle instead of him--so much so, that he's willing to speculate about what it means to Courtney, when really, he shouldn't be letting her know that he feels close to Cirie--doesn't Courtney still think Cirie's going before her and Danielle? But Courtney's too busy feeling sorry for herself to pay any attention to any game-related Intel being dumped in her lap, "Nice to know where you stand," she whimpers, and tells Shane she doesn't care about who Cirie picked to go with her, she cares about what was said about HER at the challenge, and Shane scoffs, telling her she's taking it too personally. She thinks there's no way not to, and Shane is surprisingly sane about the whole thing, telling her the questions were stupid and she should focus on the end-game, not some silly quiz--probably because doing so allows him to criticize Courtney's "emotional reaction" which is of course, invalid. She's no longer happy to be on the Island, and declares, "I'm gonna have to live with this for the rest of my life." Good Lord. A fly lays eggs on a fish the tribe is gonna eat later, to remind us that Bruce is still in serious gastrointestinal distress. He hasn't been able to poop in 10-12 days, which isn't funny. Shane the Pot calls Bruce the Kettle black, "He can be overdramatic, but not about this--he's in real pain."

Later that night, Bruce's pain has worsened. He is now doubled over in pain, unable to move. Courtney enters the shelter and coos, "Awwww, Poor Bruce. Can I sing a song? Would that help? More importantly, how can we make this moment about me. Let me go get my fire toys!" Bruce begs her not to sing, and she does anyway. Finally, Bruce asks for the medical team to come in, and the boat arrives, with a hunky Aussie doctor in tow, "Talk to me Bruce, whaah's the pain? Aah you allergic to anything--have you had any recent medical emergencies?" Bruce sputters, "How....much...time do you...have...doctor? I...have had...numerous....strange and...nearly...fatal injuries...over the years---oww!" Dr. Aussie stops Bruce from giving his medical resume and starts an assessment. He can't rule out appendicitis, so the decision is made to take Bruce to a hospital. Dr. Aussie asks Courtney and SHane for their help, "I got loads of more-qualified people on the boat, but Mr. Burnett thinks it would be bettah TV if you two carried the stretchuh, so there you go, mates." Shane frowns, "Does it have to be right this second? Because I'm not wearing any pants." He's not folks--Cirie told him not to wear the wet pants, so he apologizes to the crew, "Sorry about this, but I got my own medical condition goin' on downstairs--actually, do you have a second to look at it? Or maybe just some drugs you could lay on me? A cigarette?" Some Enya-esque music starts playing to remind everyone that, Shane's penis notwithstanding, there's some seriously moving stuff going on here. Well...maybe "moving" isn't the right word. Sorry, Bruce. Bruce is loaded onto the Medical Boat, and Shane's sincere (no, really) voice over tells us that he hopes Bruce can finish on his own terms, "He's lived a full, beautiful, ginormous life, and I hope he comes back." The dramatic scene ends with a poignant shot of Shane staring sadly after the departing boat...a scene rendered only slightly less-poignant by the sight of Shane's naked, blurred-out ass. And yet, "The Amazing Race" keeps winning the Emmys.

TERRY IN EXILE

Terry blah blah blahs about how he's had a target on his back from day one and then he sniffs, "The "participation" part of that challenge was a JOKE." Yeah, this just in Terry, DUH. When is this guy gonna just shut up and deal? He claims that he got some great "observation time," and he's gonna use the time alone in Exile to strategize, using his new knowledge. Dude, you've GOT Immunity wrapped up for at least one more week, and the two people who were knocked out of the game first, Bruce and Danielle, already know you have the Idol, and haven't come a'knockin'. I'm just tired of hearing Terry whine about wanting MORE opportunities and MORE breaks, when he's won every Individual Immunity so far and he's got a Get Out Of Jury Free Card in his back pocket. What happened to military guys being the strong SILENT type?

WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S HEALTH CRISIS ALL ABOUT THEM?

Courtney sighs, "Yesterday, like, everyone ganged up on me and like said I was like, annoying and like, talked all the time, and then, last night was like, a REALLY trying time for me, it was like, soooo like, draining and everything. Bruce being, like, taken away screaming in pain was like, the icing and the cherry and the hot fudge on top of my pretty poo-poo day." Hey Courtney, quit complaining--Bruce would KILL for a poo-poo day. Then, Shane asks Courtney to trust him--no, scratch that, he TELLS her to trust him by insulting her, "I don't want you over-thinking things and messing it all up, if I tell you to do something so that we can get one person further [Danielle? Aras? Cirie?] , you need to do it." Courtney says she doesn't want to agree to agree with whatever he says no matter what, and Shane gets mad. Courtney tries to placate him, "You know I wanna be on your backside, and I want you to be on mine." Um. I...think she meant she wants them to "have each other's backs," in the game-loyalty sense, though after hearing the others say she's crushing on Shane, couple with the fact that she spent an awful lot of time last night (and I do mean awful) in the presence of his nude bare backside (and frontside), I can't really be sure what she meant. So Shane reacts the way anybody would react in this situation--he threatens to murder her if she betrays him. "I'll drive up and I'll kill you in your bleepy little apartment and I'll drive over to my club and that'll be it." Courtney, naturally, is offended and outraged by this. Oh, not by the killing part, silly reader. No, that would be the reaction of a healthy person. Courtney is upset at the fact that Shane has assumed her apartment is bleepy, having never seen it. Shane flips out, "Don't take everything so PERSONAL! It's just and ADJECTIVE!" I dare you to try this at home or at work: call someone dumb or ugly and then insist, "God, you're so sensitive! It's just an adjective!" I'll bet it works even better with nouns! Shane then goes all pot-black on us again, telling us that Courtney is "Glenn Close-Sybil scary-crazy." Uh...who made the random death threat back there, just a minute ago? He goes on, "She's a lunatic, the whole tribe just told her they think she's an idiot--she's a DREAM to go to the Final Two with, I mean, anyone could win against her, anyone! She's a dream!" Don't look now, Boston, but I think someone's sizing up a new step-mother for ya! I'm assuming Shane is presently single, only because if he were in a relationship he'd be sobbing over her two and insisting that no two people have ever shared such a bond, etc. etc.

The winners return to a tension-filled camp. Courtney, upon seeing the boat in the distance, goes to great pains to affect a pose of nonchalance. She sits with her back turned to the arriving boat, and waits for Aras, Cirie and Dani to approach her. "Oh, like, you're back, I like, didn't even notice. So, uh, we're like, less a member--Bruce left last night. He was like, in a lot of pain last night--it was like, REALLY hard on me. I had to like, call for the medics, and like, comfort him, and like, sing him a goddess song, and now, like, I don't know if he's like, coming back or like in the game or like anything. But you guys had a great time, and like, that's what's really important so like, good for you." To top off this moment of SUPREME passive-aggressive bitchiness: while Courtney is saying all this, she's writing in BRUCE'S SKETCHBOOK. Finders keepers, I guess...

Shane meanwhile, has gone into full-on ape-mode, and Aras is concerned. Shane gives an out-of-earshot Cirie the evil eye while he tells Aras that Cirie's taking Danielle has opened his eyes and he raves, "I learned a lot about yesterday, and I'm gonna set myself sail accordingly." That's an exact quote, because if anyone understand it, I'd like them to email me. Aras is annoyed and more than a little worried at Shane's assertion that he's gonna "change the whole game," or whatever. "That bitch Danielle has done NOTHING out here, and I won't go home before her, I won't. I've carried Cirie this whole time--all 300 pounds of her, and she disappointed me in a big way." I now want Aras to win over Shane again, my Aras-is-worse-than-Shane period has passed. Aras may be arrogant, but at least he's respectful to women. Cirie, watching in the distance, is worried, and Danielle is pissed off, "Hasn't ee evuh been on a team befoh? You win some an' you lose some, get ovuh it!" Shane continues to rant, "Everone's in BIG trouble, man, Yah! I'm crazy Shane, Yah! Fear my moodiness and kiss my butt or I'm flipping this whole game, Yah!" So they do. Aras talks him off the ledge and gets him to talk to Cirie, and they re-exchange swears on their kids' lives that they'll take one another to the Final Four. Cirie appears tres insincere though, when she insists, "What Dani and I have is like, NOTHING compared to what you and I have, suckuh. I mean...Shane." I don't think she's gonna gun for him, I think Cirie has the luxury of not having to gun for anybody. She can let the others get their hands dirty. Shane then tells is that his freak-out was *In Jon Lovitz voice* ACTING! Shane is an actor--a direct-to-video staple who also appeared in the first episode of "My So Called Life," among other things. Shane Graham--check out his imdb bio, it's pretty interesting. So anyway, he claims that he wigged out to scare Cire and Aras into strengthening their bond to him, and he insists he's in complete control of their Alliance of Three. We'll see...

WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO SMILE WHEN THEY FIND OUT BRUCE ISN'T COMING BACK?

Courtney cleans out Bruce's Zen Garden, and then writes, "Luv Bruce" in rocks, because Zen can't spell. Danielle is the only person who seems really broken up about Bruce's absence, "Ah really look up tuh Bruce--ee's like a fathuh figuh to me, an' ah miss 'im. Ah said muh prahs last night, an it was real eerie in duh sheltuh with out him. Ah don' care about duh game aspect, ah jus' hope 'ee's all right." Awww. Danielle's the most human person left out here, so my guess is, she's doomed. Then, everyone sees a boat approaching, with Jeff Probst in tow. Jeff rarely, if ever, comes to the Survivor's camp--they always come to him. Every now and then he brings champagne or whatnot to the Final Three or FOur, but today, he's bringing news. Everyone is disappointed when they realize that Terry is onboard, returning from Exile, but Bruce is nowhere to be seen. Jeff circles up the tribe and fills them all in as the Swooping Pelican of Death arrives to confirm: Bruce is out of the game. His entire digestive system--colon, bladder, the whole works, were completely blocked, so it was good that he left when he did. Bruce will not be able to return as a player, though they hope he'll be back as a juror. Terry, unable to think of anything but the "game aspect" at this moment, struggles to suppress a smirk on his face, as he realizes he's just gotten yet another break: He doesn't have to compete for Immunity this week, meaning his Pocket Idol can take him into the Final Five. Cirie raises her eyebrow at Terry's attempt to look bummed at Bruce's medical ouster. The show ends with Terry's disingenuous blathering about Bruce being "a master sensei in the truest sense" but I ain't buying it. Shane's full-moon was more sincere.

Bruce leaves the game in 7th place. He is only the second player in Survivor History to be forced to leave the game due to a medical emergency (as stated earlier, Michael burned his hands in Season Two). 7th place is not usually this exciting--there've been some notable exceptions, but most 7th placers were on the outside looking in on a numbers game. That was certainly the case with slacker Gervase in Season One and lawyer/model Nick in Season Two. You can now rent Season Two on DVD, so quit asking me who he is, or implying I made him up. In Africa, crazy and gruff Army man Frank succumbed to numbers as did "sounded interesting on paper but not in reality" Tammy in the Marquesas. In Thailand, blandly bitchy Penny was a predictable minority tribe casualty as well. Things FINALLY got interesting in the Amazon, when cute Alex got drunk with power (epidemic in the Amazon), and Rob C. had a crisis of conscience and decided to betray him. In the Pearl Islands, Tijuana could've changed things up had she taken Sandra's warnings about Johnny Fairplay and Burton, but she didn't, and she went home. In volatile Vanuatu, Ami and Le Ann got drunk with the power of the all girl-alliance and decided to move against Elisabeth instead of lone-guy Chris, but a shocking alliance between sworn-enemies Twila and Elisabeth led to the elimination of Le Ann, evil Ami's right-hand gal. In Palau, plucky Steph's luck finally ran out as SHE fell victim to the numbers--the odds were better for her last season, when she helped to vote out cagey Gary Hawkins--er--Hogeboom.

RANDOM EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Bruce got his first Black Belt in Kuh! Rah! Tay! the same year he made Eagle Scout--at the age of 16 and he was once bitten by a rattlesnake while golfing--no surprise there. Props for naming "Star Wars" as one of his favorite movies...

What's Next?? A great episode of Survivor, I'm betting. If Terry wins Immunity, it seems that Courtney is a likely candidate--or does Shane really want to go to the end with her? Danielle was voted out right after Terry and Bruce in the pecking-order game. Will their be a split vote? Shane, Terry and Courtney v. Cirie, Dani and Aras? Do Dani and Courtney know that Cirie has snuck past them on Shane and Aras' list, or do they think Cirie is next? Will Terry's vote upset the balance? And if Terry DOESN'T win Immunity, things get even more exciting, because then the Idol comes into play. But who's second place? Will it just be his vote (for Aras?) that counts, or will Aras engineer a pre-emptive strike against Courtney (or whoever) making Terry's vote against him moot? For example: Shane, Courtney and Danielle vote for Terry, Terry votes for Aras, but Aras and Cirie vote for Courtney, so Terry's Idol is gone, but Aras is spared and Courtney walks? One thing's for sure, Terry's not going anywhere--unless, again, he trades the Idol for a broken promise and doesn't win Immunity. Unlikely, but it gives me such pleasant dreams...

Peace Out!

Christine :D

Survivor 12.9 "Maybe we can break his arm, or something."

THE GYPSIES THAT REMAIN

Morning at Chaosa, and Terry is talking about his favorite topic--himself. Sally, Aras and Shane seem pretty captivated, as Terry explains, "Flight school was where I learned how to drop bombs, shoot guns, land on the carrier, play shirtless volleyball, and sing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" to hot babes." In the shelter, Courtney, Danielle and Cirie roll their eyes at Terry's self-aggrandizement, but Courtney wonders, "Like, how is like, any like, normal person supposed to like, beat like, a Navy air fighter pilot dude?" Cirie shrugs, "Maybe we can break his arm or something." Terry asks the guys where he fits in once it gets down to him and the Final Six, and Aras sighs, "Terry, it's pretty freakin' obvious that you're not part of our plan, like, at all." Shane nods, "Yeah, what, do I need to call another really obvious, really loud meeting and like, exclude you from it?" Terry grins, "Oh, okay, I guess I'll just keep beating you guys at everything." Aras and Shane and Shane both tell Terry they'd respect the hell out of him if he really DID win every single Immunity from here until the end, but they don't think it's actually possible. Terry tells us, "Tribal Council was kind of a bummer for ME, since Austin went home. I guess it was probably a bigger bummer for Austin, but now, he'll just have to help me on the jury. I don't get why none of these nimrods fell for my bluff to use the Immunity Idol, nor why Dani refused my offer to give her the Idol if she'd just pledge her undying loyalty to me. I don't know WHY these people don't want me to be their leader, I mean, look at La MENa. Well, I mean, you can't because they're all gone, but when they were still in the game and under my command, trust me, they were real happy." Terry then says he's fully prepared to just keep beating everyone at every competition, which is kinda insufferable, but also kinda really possible, based on past performance, let's face it.

The girls sans Sally are still lazing about. Dani groans, "Ah jus' wish Sally an' Terry wuh gone. An' den, Aras." Oh, how my heart soared to hear that, and again when Courtney and Cirie nodded in agreement. Courtney insists they have to get rid of the Idol ASAP, meaning keep Terry from winning Immunity and then force him to use it if he has it. Since the girls plan on targeting Aras AFTER Sally and Terry go, they're not all that concerned about losing him BEFORE Sally and Terry. Then Dani pulls a Jerri and rifles thru Terry's bag looking for the Idol, but Terry doesn't have it stashed there. The Idol IS stealable, finders keepers and all that. Interestingly enough, it seems as though Dani hasn't told anyone that Terry showed her the Idol--or did she? She tells US that Terry showed her "Some furry ting he coulda found owt in duh jungle." So she's not sure that Terry was being straight with her, which is legit, I mean, she doesn't know what the Idol looks like. It amuses me that she doesn't trust Terry because you KNOW he just assumes everybody believes everything he says, and that he's Mr. Integrity, blah blah blah. Aras, oblivious to the growing disdain his former followers have for him, sidles up to the shelter and gushes, "Hey, it's pretty cool that we're going up against someone as manly and awesome as Terry!" Apparently, all men are useless to resist his alphaness. The girls aren't so much impressed as they are scared--scared that they can't possibly beat him. Aras chuckles, "I command you, children, to have faith in me, and in my ability to defeat this mortal. He flies planes, he's not American Gladiator." Well flyboy's whupping your ass pretty good so far, Aras. Aras then asks the ladies to send him to Exile Island if he loses at the challenge today, because he wants to snoop around for the Idol.

SWING OUT, SISTERS

Everyone gathers at the Reward beach, and Jeff brings them over to a gazebo so he can show them parts of their videos from home. Shane starts sobbing ALREADY, before they even get to the gazebo. We see Terry's wife and two kids. His adorable young daughter seems pretty wrecked about Dad's being gone. We meet Dani's parents and siblings, we meet Bruce's wife and his TOUGH daughter, Danielle, holy crap! Forget the katas!, Bruce's daughter looks like she could take on some real enemies! Courtney's mom seems surprisingly normal, and Aras's dad gives us a cliffhanger, ducking into a teepee and inviting Aras in for some important information Aras will never receive. And yeah, I didn't get that mixed up, no teepee for Courtney's family. Shane is a wreck as he listens to his son, Boston, give his Dad a pep talk. He's very breezy and not at all traumatized from his Dad's absence--I imagine, he's enjoying the breathing room. Also, I thought he was just "ok" as 13 year-old kids go. I wasn't blown away or anything, but after weeks of listening to Shane rave about him, I guess no child could live up to the hype. Shane whimpers, "We grew up together, man, I had him when I was 21. He's my other half, he's my brother, he's my best friend, he's my agent, he's my accountant, he's my therapist, he's my personal trainer, he's my life coach, he's my stockbroker...and oh yeah, he's my son." Sally's parents tell her they love and miss her, thank God. Cirie gets weepy when she sees her husband and two sons, but tells Jeff she can get thru the game because "it's all for them." Jeff then tells them that the reward is getting to see your whole video, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk while you do so. On Big Brother, PB&J is a punishment, on Survivor, it's a reward. The group is divided into two teams, with equal parts women and men. Each team has one girl lying face down on this swing contraption, and the others must pull ropes to swing her over to this pole, where she grabs 15 numbered flags in order, one at a time, and then they swing her down to these holes where she can peg in the flags into the ground. The teams are Danielle (in the swing), Aras, Shane and Cirie versus Courtney (in the swing), Bruce, Sally and Terry. It's a real fun challenge, and it's very strenuous. It's also VERY close, until Aras accidentally (?) kicks out one of his teams flags. That flag has to be replaced before they can go on, and they lose way to much time and the other team wins. Aras gets sent to Exile Island, just like he wanted. But he wouldn't have tanked the game...would he? We only get a glimpse of the winners eating their sandwiches, we don't see them watch their videos, which is just as well.

NEVER TELL ANYONE YOU'RE A NURSE

Shane, Dani and Cirie return to camp, and Shane gives them a pep talk, "It was a couple a' sandwiches and some milk. If we're gonna lose one, let's lose this one. And the tapes woulda WRECKED us, dude." Dude, just hearing about the tapes wrecked Shane. Then Shane asks Nurse for her professional evaluation of a problem he's having with his...um. His weewee. It's red and painful--man, I hope he stopped using the ladies soap. A brave Cirie takes a look, and diagnoses a "chaffing" issue, due to the fact that Shane's clothes are always wet, so Shane starts wearing a skirt, ala Rupert, although not nearly as charming. Cirie tells us, "Shane is like a cartoon character, and now he's a nude cartoon character." Actually, Shane nude is more like the want-ads, what with all the writing on him. He doesn't have picture tattoos, it's all writing, much of it devoted to his son. Anyone else having trouble staying un-creeped out by Shane and his kid? The winners return, and the losers get even more bitter when they realize the winners have been given their luxury items. Courtney brought her "fire toys", which are these swinging fire pots that she dances with. Sally brought her journal and Bruce brought a sketchbook. Sally feels bad that the others don't get theirs, but Shane takes it in stride--seriously, was that one cigarette at the lovefest bbq all he needed? He's been rather sane and uninteresting lately. Maybe the chaffing is distracting him from his mental abuse--you think it'd make it worse. Cirie sums it up, "Terry brought an American flag, go figure," and I was prepared to make some kind of 'We Get It, you're a Navy Dude" comment, but then he said his dad and dad-in-law were Korean War vets and this was the flag that was on his recently deceased father-in-law's casket. And I'm not made of stone. Hang that flag, Terry. Cirie is impressed with Courtney's cool fire toys, and tries to push aside her own disappointment and fatigue, "It's a game, you gotta keep it together," she snuffles. I'd really love for Cirie to win it all, though it's probably too much to ask. She's waaaaay under the radar though, it's hard to imagine her being targeted soon.

On Exile Island, Aras delights in being alone with himself. He easily makes fire (there's no rain) but finds the quest for the Immunity Idol to be frustrating, since the first clue says it's under a rock and every rock has been moved by previous explorers. He tells himself that Terry send him over too easily, so Terry must have it, and wants him to tire-out looking for it, so he stops. I hate him, but I gotta admit, he IS pretty smart.

Later, Bruce is doing a quite lovely sketch of the Island in his sketch book, while Courtney is fire-dancing. Sally tells Terry she doesn't want to go home, and he is finally completely honest with his Army of One, telling her she pretty much needs to win Immunity herself, OR get at least two of the girls to switch over to his side. So, Terry has no intention of parting with the Idol unless he knows he'll have the numbers and he's never gonna have the numbers. He's made it so apparent that he's practically impossible to beat in any challenge, so HOW does it benefit them to want to help him? Terry and Sally hatch a plan of using the Idol as leverage--they claim that the Idol will go into play at the next Tribal Council, and sort of blackmail people into joining them so it doesn't get used against them. The problem with this plan is 1) Bruce and the three girls know they're gonna target either Shane or Aras, so the other four aren't remotely afraid that one of their names is gonna come up, so why would they turn on their team (and hopefully their jury) at this point? and 2) Bruce and the three girls don't care if Terry were to knock of Shane or Aras at this point in the game.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE AND BUFFET

Aras returns from Exile in good spirits, and ala Terry, says it was no big deal. Of course, he got to go in nice weather, but I think he gets that it makes you seem cooler if you act like it was a cakewalk, instead of shuddering and moaning like Austin and Dani did. Then Jeff doles out a nut and a shell to everyone. He describes the challenge, in which the players must swim out, dive down and memorize a series of symbols, come back to shore and recreate it on land. If you're wrong, you have to swim back to look at it again, and if you're right, you win Immunity. But, if you're reasonably confident you're not gonna need Immunity, you can try to eat as many cheeseburgers, fries and cokes as you can before somebody else wins. Aras is seriously unhappy as he watches his "fellow" Chaosa members giggle in anticipation of NOT helping him compete for Immunity. Sure enough, only Aras, Sally and Terry opt to forgo the meal and, you know, play Survivor. In all fairness, though, no one else has to. Even Shane, who was targeted the TC where Nick went home, knows that Sally and Terry are gunning for Aras, "It's all you, Aras," Courtney chuckles. "Yeah," Aras mutters bitterly. I'm sure you recall that Jeff gave a similar offer last season, and again, most of the power clique chose eating over competing (Judd and Cindy being the notable exceptions). I tried to figure out why I wasn't remotely put off by people eating the cheeseburgers this time, and I came up with a couple. Well, there's the obvious one: no Jamie-like individual taunting one of the participants, but the main reason is that it was just so funny to watch Aras's "teammates" sell him out so quickly. Not only were they saying, "We're not at risk," they were saying, "We don't really care if YOU'RE at risk." It was priceless. And also, no matter how much Jeff tries to guilt people about NOT being competitive enough to be worthy or whatnot, the reality of this reality show is that Chaosa WAS competitive enough to secure a majority, and picking off the smaller tribe is their right, if that's what they want to do. It sucks when the majority team sucks, but it IS the game. And, unlike many previous seasons, the power clique has been very up front about the fact that they are a team, they're voting the others out one by one, etc. THere's been none of this insincere "We're all one tribe" bullcrap, and although it's arrogant, it's still refreshing. Anyway, the eaters wind up rooting against ANYONE getting the challenge done right away, because they want to keep stuffing their faces (I liked that Bruce rooted on Sally, just out of politeness, I think). Aras thinks he has it but he doesn't, and Terry winds up winning Super Secret Double Immunity yet again, again. He once again preens with the necklace around his neck as Aras steams and frets.

TERRY STILL DOESN'T GET IT

Aras tells Shane and Courtney that he looked for the Idol, and thinks that it was either easy to find and Terry got it right away, or it's impossible to find, since he couldn't find it. The thought that it was heard to find and Terry found it doesn't come up. Shane says the play for tonight is six votes for Sally and hope Terry doesn't have the Idol. Then Courtney adds, "Hey, like, thanks for like, sticking up for Chaosa, suckuh!" Aras tells us, "I always knew I was superior to them in every way, but I didn't realize I was the only one competitive enough to even TRY to win Immunity, and now I may be going home. It's an outrage, though I'll continue to smile through these interviews as though I'm not crippled with rage." Then Terry shows Bruce the Immunity Idol, which he has stashed in the rafters of the shelter. He kind of flashes it and then hustles to put it back before anyone else sees it. Like Danielle, Bruce is unsure if he's actually seen the Idol, though, and since he knows either Aras or Shane would go if Terry played it, he just smiles, "I have no intention of joining Terry's team just yet, but I'm eager to see what happens tonight!" See, this is where Terry's plan of showing he has the Idol to a few choice people doesn't make any sense. Bruce and Dani KNOW they can use Terry's vote down the line if they need it, and it's not in either of their best interest to help him help Sally. Better to let his only true ally go. Elsewhere, Sally tries one last time to get the girls to switch over to her and Terry's side. She tells them Aras will go if the Idol is played, and she says that Terry doesn't get why a couple of them don't side with him and guarantee themselves Final Four. No one says anything, and we know this is because it's really all the same to the Chaosa girls whether Sally or Aras goes. Later, Courtney and Terry go to fetch water together and Courtney tries to wheedle more information from him, but Terry won't even tell her that he HAS the Idol for sure. He then tries to sell her on voting out Aras outright, so he won't have to bother using the Idol he may or may not have, and she takes a pass. Its kinda interesting that Terry has gone so far as to show the Idol to Danielle and Bruce, but won't tell Courtney whether he has it or not. He's just all over the place--he's really just throwing strategy at a wall and seeing what sticks. Courtney tells us that she'd like to go To the Final Two with Terry because she's sure she'd beat him in a vote, whereas she doesn't think she could beat Aras. That's weird, considering how annoyed all the women are with Aras. Would he really beat her in a popularity contest? And if Terry does manage to win every single Immunity, would the others really not see fit to reward him for it? I mean, as insufferable as he is, it'll probably be easier to say, "That Top Gun Navy dude beat me," then "That annoying fire dancer who said "like" all the time and thought the dead turtle was an omen beat me." Although, winning almost every single Immunity didn't help Kelly or Colby any, so who knows? Courtney also says the only downside to losing Aras would be, "No one else can beat Terry." That's the winning spirit! Bruce and Cirie exchange notes, and Cirie scoffs at the idea that Terry would ever play the secret Idol for any other reason than to save his own butt, "That would mean he has to win every single challenge! If he gave that to someone else, it'd be the dumbest move in Survivor History." Dumber then Helen and Jan NOT talking to each other about what Brian was telling both of them? Dumber than Sarge trusting Twila? Dumber than Pagong voting for their own Jenna instead of Richard Hatch at the very first Merge?? Maybe. I so wanted the Idol to played, in a stunningly bold and surprising way, but it makes more sense, if you're Terry, to just keep it for yourself, I see that now. I just wish he hadn't gone around and told so many people he had it. He's become so drunk with power, he's actually starting to resent those who won't collude with him for making him use his back-up Immunity, maybe, down the road, if ever doesn't win the Necklace. Looking at him glower at a fire-dancing Courtney and bitch to Sally, "She has time to dance but not to give me a straight answer!" I thought, "Why should she? Why should she help you? If you want to help Sally, help Sally, and if you want to help yourself, then help yourself, but quit hoping that any of these guys are gonna suddenly decide to help the strongest player in the game get even stronger, 'cause it ain't gonna happen, dude. No one wants to help you get the numbers, you ain't gonna get numbers, STOP TALKING ABOUT THE NUMBERS!!!!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Everyone's very impressed at the bathed and pink-shirted Austin as he arrives at the jury box. Shane seemed particularly impressed, for whatever reason. Jeff starts things off by truing to make Chaosa sans Aras feel guilty about the cheeseburgers, but to no avail. Shane jokes, "I over performed at the challenge, I had two cheeseburgers, nine french fries and almost a whole glass of Coke." And I hated myself later, but I sure laughed hard when he said it, it was just funny. I still think he's icky, but he is also witty at times. Shane tells Jeff he was hungry and he knew he didn't need Immunity tonight and he promises it's his last cheeseburger detour off Immunity Road. When Jeff asks Sally is she's frustrated at Chaosa's confidence she says yes, but in Survivor the confident GET to be confident, and she knows she needed to win to stay in the game. Aras admits to being irritated and exposed with his fake grin firmly in place. He then says, "As soon as we can get the necklace, the sooner we can get into our strategy." Aras, you don't need a euphemism for "voting Terry out," you've already told him numerous times that you're gonna do so. Sally smiles at Aras' nervousness, providing some more false hope for Sally fans that she has the Idol. Shane then declares that Terry can't win 6 Immunities in a row (he actually only needs to win 5) and when Terry boasts that that is exactly what he intends to do, Danielle moans, "Here we go." Jeff asks for some elaboration, and she sniffs, "He's always goin' on an' on about how great ee is at everting, how ee's so competitive. It's all about Terry, Terry, Terry, ee's so cocky." Jeff sighs, "Uh, hello, Miss Me and Me friends don't need Immunity, Pass the Ketchup!?" Danielle insists that her and her tribe aren't nearly as arrogant as Terry and then Jeff taunts her, "Isn't your REAL problem with Terry is he's just better than you at everything and you can't handle it?" Danielle then spouts the party line that Terry can't win every challenge, it's impossible. Cirie answers Jeff's question about where she thinks the Immunity idol is and she says that everyone wants it in play, and Aras shakes his head with a smile on his face, thinking, "These idiots don't realize that if the Idol comes into play, I'm going home!" Of course, the Idol is not played, and Sally goes home 6-2, with 2 more meaningless votes being cast for Aras. Terry is left being the lone wolf up against impossible odds, and he's loving every second of it. In her exit speech, Sally defends Terry's hanging onto the Idol, almost as though she can sense America's frustration.

Sally is voted out in 8th place. As I have said numerous times, it was at this stage in the game of our very first Survivor that it really dawned on me that this was a show that voted out it's stars. Even though I found her overwrought and annoying, it was hard for me to imagine a "Survivor" without weepy Poor Jenna. In the Outback, the nation put aside its differences and rejoiced as one at the stunning ouster of evil Jerri while in Africa, gay Brandon's weird flirtation with straight Lex wasn't enough to spare the lazy boy. In the Marquesas, we lost the unmemorable Zoe, who had been a member of the power clique until the tables turned. If you DO remember her, I'll bet it's because of that weird jewelry she started making people in her last days, in an effort to get in their good graces. In Thailand, Ken the New York Cop was let go, you probably don't remember him either. In the Amazon, Deena was sitting pretty in the power clique and then rather arbitrarily decided to turn on Alex, which offended Rich Jenna's morals, and it was Deena's turn to go home instead. In the Pearl Islands, allegedly moral girl-boy scout Lill joined with horrible Jonny Fairplay and Rotten Burton to betray one of our all-time favorites, Rupert--it was a dark day. In Vanuatu, handsome amputee Chad was yet another victim of Ami's assault on Y-Chromosomes, and in Palau, Jeff kept everyone after school until Janu finally cracked and agreed to quit the game so that Steph could stick around a little longer. Last season, psycho-paranoid Jamie was stabbed in the back, much to our delight.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Sally isn't just a social worker, but a varsity high school soccer coach--Dani and Austin are also both soccer players, it's a shame no one brought a ball. Sally also plays old school games like cribbage and likes to fly fish. She's just a good egg, and I wish her well.

What's next? I'm kinda at a loss. I guess I'm rooting for Terry to take out Aras, and then the others take out Terry and then Cirie flies under the radar until the Final Three, wins the Endurance Challenge (she has borne children) and wins it all. One thing I'm digging about this season is everyone's trying to win. There's no Lydia, you know? Everyone may not be shining at the challenges, but everyone's trying, and everyone's trying to come up with their OWN strategy to win. I like that. Is Bruce gonna be the medical emergency? The scenes show him grabbing his stomach in agony, and part of me thinks that's a fake-out, but then the other part of me thinks they could have just SHOWN the "we have a medical emergency" thing they did after the clip show if they didn't want to tip us off. In the commercial, you can see the person's face, and it does look like it could be Bruce, but it's in that night-vision, so it's hard to be sure. We do know that it's not Danielle (she's shown fretting in the TV spot) and it's not SHane (he's seen kneeling beside the obscured person's stretcher). I'm obsessed so you don't have to be. Am I a bad person to be bummed it may be Bruce, mainly because he's not a pivotal player in this game (in my opinion)? Yes, it does, never mind. One thing we know for sure: unless he barters his Idol for a promise and then gets betrayed, which would be funny but unlikely, Terry ain't going nowhere. Bruce seems an easy vote-out because I can't imagine he's been promised anything. I'd guess the girls could target Aras, but Shane tells Aras in the scenes, "No one's safe, I'm shaking up the game." How? Why? Does Shane get wind of the girl;s plans to band together to dump Aras and move against them? That seems unlikely, because losing Aras would benefit him. Despite the high likelihood of some jerk winning this year, I'm, still having an awful lot of fun...

Peace! :D

Christine

Survivor 12.8 "I'm not going along with your stupid idea!"

FALLOUT, BOY

Austin is very much stunned to still be playing Survivor. Don't worry Austin, it won't be long now. He's now kicking himself for telling everyone at Tribal Council that he didn't try to win Immunity, or at least didn't try his hardest, because he thought it might work in his benefit to appear weak. "I'd already given up," he admits to an angry America, who's rubbing it;s collective temples and muttering, "Austin, if you'd won Immunity, Terry would have gotten the votes and he'd have pulled out his Immunity Idol and Shane would be gone! Shane! AGH!" This is an important thing to remember throughout this episode: Austin coulda woulda shoulda, and he's got no one to blame except himself when he goes home. But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Austin's plight serves as a reminder of why some people are frustratingly conservative at Tribal Council--you never know what's gonna happen. The Psychotic Joke is shocked and appalled that Austin duped them into voting for Nick (Shane's Spidey sense was right). The gang is out digging in the rocks for snails (they still haven't found Tina's oysters) and Aras decides to over state things, "These snails are like members of La MENa--slimy and hard to get out. Heh, that was such a major burn. Now let me impress upon all of you sheep: Austin is a slimeball, and none of you better reveal anything to him, ya got me?" "AUSTIN IS A SLIMEBALL," the others chant. Elsewhere, Sally is getting HER orders from Terry, "You need to swing one of the girls over to our side. Go over there and talk about ponies or blouses or whatever the hell it is that you airheads are always giggling about." Sally sighs, "Dude, it's not my fault you couldn't get a single person to flip to our side, Mr. Born Leader." The two are baffled as to who are the 5 and 6 in the Psychotic Joke Enigma. Bruce, off by himself doing Kuh! Rah! Tay! as always, is certainly 5 or 6, but his delusional confidence is obscuring that from them. ANd maybe I'm the one who doesn't have a clear picture of things. Remember how Cirie was on the chopping block? Now she seems very close to Shane, AND Aras, AND both the girls. Speaking of delusional confidence, and unshaken Terry grins, "I got all kinds of new numbers rolling around in my head--I just need to flip TWO people to take control of this game!" Uh...Terry...those are the old numbers. The same numbers you were unable to secure yesterday? Terry then insists that he's "still a team guy," and it's still his intention to save Austin and Sally and defeat Chaosa. Oh REALLY. If that were true, he would've saved Nick. You're playing for yourself, Terry, it's Survivor, it's allowed. But just freakin' own it, dude. Tree Mail arrives, and a clueless Courtney chirps, "Man, that's like, so awesome, man, I'm like, so jazzed that the poemy thing said we'd like, have to make, like, political decisions, man." No one else on her teams looks jazzed though, because that's the last thing they want to have to do is expose the 5 and 6 to Terry and Sally. Sally, who DOES understand Survivor, is hoping the challenge might yield some intel...

YOU PUT THE SLIME IN THE COCONUT

The Survivors are divided into 3 teams (randomly) to compete in a boat race. Each team starts with 100 coconuts, which they must load into the other teams' boats until they're all gone. Once they're done with that, they paddle their coconut-laden boats out to a buoy where they recover a fishing net and a flag. Then they paddle in, and use the net to bring the coconuts back to the bins. First tribe to have all their coconuts out of the boat and in the bin, and all three members and the flag on the mat, wins reward. Want to know what they're playing for? The winning team of three gets taken by boat the next morning to breakfast in bed. Plus, they get to determine who goes into Exile. So, the teams wind up like this: Shane, Terry and Austin vs. Dani, Courtney and Cirie, vs. Bruce, Aras and Sally. Aras has the idea to load up all their coconuts into the three men's boat, since they certainly have an advantage in a rowing contest, and he tells Dani to do the same, "Put your coconuts in the guy's boat, we're not putting any in yours, ya got me?" "ALL THE COCONUTS IN THE GUY'S BOAT," Dani intones. The girls fall so far behind the two other teams, they wind up still putting coconuts in their OWN boat while the two other teams race out to the buoys. It's a tight race, and it gets tighter when Aras, Bruce and Sally realize they've left their team flag back on the boat while they were transferring all the coconuts. Sally dashes back to the boat as the all-man team struggles to unload their net, and she comes thru--Bruce, Aras and Sally win Reward. Jeff then reveals that they have to send one person from each tribe. Bruce and Sally both crinkle their foreheads before Aras reminds them, "I make all the decisions on the Island! It's gonna be Austin and Danielle! Because I wish it to BE!" Dani is unthrilled, "Yo, can't we play rock, papuh scissohs again, Jeff?" Misty can't save you now, Danielle...

RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY BED

It's pouring down rain as Aras makes a big show about how eager he is for the boat to take him and Bruce and Sally to their breakfast in bed. You think a SUPER genius like Aras would know to play it cool. Aras IS worried, "The challenge yesterday revealed a smidge of my athletic ability and a whole lot more of my WIT. I am a highly intelligent semi-pro basketball player and yoga instructor. I was UC Irvine's Intramural "Cranium" champion for three semesters. I'm afraid my highly complex plot to put more coconuts in that one boat than in the other may have put a target on my back." Fate seems to have outwitted Aras, when he and Sally and Bruce endure a soggy boat ride over to a waterlogged sandbar, only to discover that their Reward bed has been left open to the elements and is soaking wet. This seemed a little low-rent, a little amateur hour, for our friends at "Survivor." What, La Mina had your only tarp? So, it starts off rocky, but once the food starts flowing, nobody minds the damp. Everyone pigs out on bacon, muffins, juice--you know, breakfast. Bruce raves, "It was bittersweet, because two of our friends had to be on Exile Island, where, I Bruce, fought many battles. Exile Island is the final resting spot of hundreds of my imaginary foes, defeated through my mastery of the ancient martial art known as KUH! RAH! TAY! I then became King of Exile Island, and so I have truly earned this breakfast, fit for a king. And I will eat more bacon than Aras, and I shall eat more fruit than Sally. I will out-eat them all!" Sally too is enjoying herself, "I never thought I could be cold and wet and in a bed with two strange men and feel soooo comfortable," she gushes. I sure hope her religious and judgmental parents aren't watching...

Back at camp, while Courtney and Cirie lounge in the shelter, Terry tries once again to get info from Shane, "Why did Aras send Danielle instead of Courtney or Cirie, because he thinks she can handle it better than they could?" Away from Aras' mind-control, Shane is surprisingly chatty. "Probably," he answers and then goes on to casually answer Terry's question about who's gonna be in the Final Four: Him, Aras, Courtney and Cirie. Is this true? I dunno. At the Barbecue Of Chaosa Love, Shane told Dani that she was the most important person on the Island to him. Was he lying to her, to placate her, or is he misinforming Terry? Terry doesn't think so, "I was able to use my considerable charm and information-gathering skills to gain the very valuable knowledge, that Bruce and Danielle are next on the chopping block, after Austin and Sally. And me, of course, if I were to ever be without Immunity, but, who are we kidding, I got Immunity in my pocket and in my future every time I compete against these wimpy civilians. That's just simply never gonna happen." Then, Aras, Bruce and Sally make a quicker-than-expected return (sans food for the others) and eagerly answer everyone's questions about how great the food was. This happens every season, and even though it makes the winners look like jerks, the losers really do seem to want to hear about everything. As jealous as it makes them to hear it, it is a new story, and when you've been without TV, radio, books, newspapers, and magazines for three weeks, you get kinda desperate. Cirie tries to keep a smile off of her bitter face as Bruce talks about becoming dizzy from bacon-consumption, and then Sally recalls how she had to stop herself at 15 slices of bacon because she just couldn't eat anymore, and shows everyone her bloated tummy. "Those are quality problems," Shane quips, to Cirie's amusement...and, admittedly, to mine. Meanwhile, Austin and Danielle endure two nights of shivering hell on Exile Island. They have no shelter and no fire and they just huddle together and, according to them, forge a very close bond. It wasn't the kind that translates to good television though, so we just get a couple shots of them each saying, "This sucks," as they huddle under a towel.

Later that day, a bummed Sally goes off to fetch water with Terry. She's sad because Chaosa seems really tight and her team seems destined to be voted off one by one. So Sally starts to wonder aloud to Terry about who would get the Immunity Idol if Austin and Danielle found it together, which is actually, a rather interesting question, but a moot one, as Terry finally reveals to someone that he has the Idol, "I've always had it. Are you kidding me? The "why" tree? I found it in 20 seconds, Misty and Bruce must both be morons." Sally is beside herself with glee, "This is SO exciting, it's like and ace in the hole for our team. If Terry wins Immunity, he can slip either Austin or I the Idol and we can turn the tables on the others! The game has completely changed!" Oh, Sally. Poor, naive, little Sally...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The Gypsies gather for the Immunity challenge, and to welcome back the battered and miserable AUstin and Danielle from Exile. Neither of them shows any interest in putting on a brave face the way Bruce and Terry always did, "It was the worst experience of my life," Austin shutters, as Dani nods her head in wan agreement. The challenge is a super-cool multi-part challenge. First, all 9 remaining Survivors must dig their way through sand, to crawl under a wood fence. The first six to do so will move on. Aras is the first person to get the top half of his body through, but he soon finds himself stuck. Jeff speculates that his butt's too big, waaah waaah. Sally is the first to get her entire body thru, followed by Danielle, Courtney, Terry, Shane and Austin. Aras throws a little hissy fit as he leaves the challenge early--way to demonstrate that wit and athleticism (shades of Heidi, ay?). Bruce must be saving the whole "beat them all in competition" thing for later, I guess. The next part is in two stages: the Survivors must complete a brain-teaser in which they move some colored rocks until they are in a certain order. Once they do that, Jeff clears them to crawl thru an obstacle course maze type thing. The first three to finish move on to the next phase, and those three are, not coincidentally, I'm sure, the three people who conceivably need Immunity tonight: Austin, Sally and Terry. Then the three of them have to use two planks to cross a rope bridge, run up a sand hill and jump in this horrible looking water. Austin's muscles twitch from his exhausting stay on Exile Island, and he falls too far behind the always-dominant Terry and the surprisingly awesome Sally. Finally, Sally and Terry race thru this neat-o jungle gym contraption, and Terry beats Sally by maybe two or three seconds, and Terry once-again basks in the glow of Double Immunity. And I was mightily bummed. Sally came so close, and now Austin's fate was sealed. Even so, the episode got very, very interesting...

ALL HECK BREAKS LOOSE (SORTA)

Danielle returns to the fold very bent of shape about Aras sending her to Exile, and tries to impress upon him how horrible an experience it was for her. No one seems all that sympathetic, which is one of the risks you run when you start running with sociopaths. Aras insists, "I sent you because you're tough as nails, D. You should be flattered--you should be thanking me, really!" A fuming Dani does not seem to be drinking Aras's kool-aid anymore. Down the beach, Terry is shrugging off any and all praise for winning Immunity again, "Oh, It was fun," he chuckles. Terry is good with the mind-game. He's not suffering, he's not even really working--unlike the rest of you saps. And you know, I'm sure, as a military guy, this is probably not the hardest 20 days of Terry's life. He's quite pleased with himself, "I'm outta hot water, and now I can use my pocket Idol as a big hunk of bait." Which is...one way to go, and it is interesting. I think in Terry's mind, he doesn't want to blow the Idol without getting some kind of assurance--he's really married to the concept that he can be captain of his fate, controller of his destiny or whatever, so he's not gonna use the Immunity JUST to oust one of his enemies, he's gonna do it to bind someone to his cause. When he talks about "his team," he really looks at himself as the driver and Sally and Austin as the pit crew. He now wants to bribe someone into being loyal to him. This all makes sense to Terry, who doesn't view himself as having betrayed Ruth-Marie, or having broken his bond with Dan when he'd outlived his usefulness, nor does he have ANY regrets about not using his Idol to save true blue Nick (who'd be a better ally than anyone he hopes to lure into betraying their preexisting promises). You see what I'm saying? Saving one of his loyal henchman seems like a better use of resources than bribing someone to betray someone else, establishing the fact that they'll betray people. Sigh.

So first, Terry let's Austin know he has the idol, and Austin reaffirms his burning man-crush for Terry, "Have I told you lately what a stud you are? You're a total stud!" Sally agrees--neither of them even brings up the question, "Why didn't you use it save Nick, then we'd only need to flip one person." Terry revels in the praise he's grown accustomed to. Then he and Austin corner Bruce in the shelter and reveal Shane's "alleged" pecking order and once again promise him "final five," if they can flip Danielle. They don't even give him "final four" over Dani, either, it's "be our tool, not theirs." Bruce seems to buy all this, telling us he trusts Terry (good luck with that) and that if Shane's pecking order is true, than his tribe "broke trust" with him. Which makes me really curious about what Bruce has actually been told, because my understanding was that Bruce was very aware of the psychotic joke alliance--maybe he was at least assured by someone that he'd go before Cirie? I think he's just feeling disrespected again, and referring to all that "you're our leader" bullhonkey he doesn't really believe, yet indulges himself in. And because of his own honor code, he feels he needs to establish some sort of rule violation before he turns on his original tribe, no matter how unwelcoming they've been to him. He tells Terry that he'll never betray him, and Terry tells us that Bruce is on board PROVIDED that Danielle agrees to flip. It does not appear as though Bruce knows about the Idol, so already, Terry's all about honesty...to a point.

Meanwhile, things are getting tense in the power clique as they call a much quieter team meeting than last time, to decide who's going home. Interestingly enough, "leader" Bruce doesn't get the memo this time. Courtney think it's a no-brainer--it's going to be Austin, as they've been saying for the last three days. Aras stuns her by insisting that SALLY has to go. I hate to give any credit to Aras's wit, but see, Aras, unlike Terry, DOES know what to do with the Immunity Idol. He knows that the Immunity Idol is a weapon as well as a shield, and that it can be used to keep Terry or Austin in the game while giving Aras or Shane the boot, as the second-highest vote-getter (as Shane was last time). Aras's plan anticipates Terry and his team assuming the vote is going against Austin, leaving Sally unprotected. It's exactly the right strategy at this stage IF you're Aras or Shane. Courtney though, refuses to go along with it, "Man, this is like, an individual game right now, man. Like, Terry isn't gonna like, give that Idol to like, somebody else, man." Which WE know is true, because we know how self-interested Terry is. Courtney then turns her back on Aras and walks away, shouting, "I'm not going along with your stupid idea!" This infuriates Aras, who's used to being obeyed with out question at Chaosa, and he storms after her, "You show me some respect! Why aren't you doing as you're told! Damn all that bacon, it has weakened my powers!" He's bent because she called HIM stupid, though actually she said it about his plan. Same thing to the sensitive would-be cult leader. Cirie steps in, and pushes Aras gently back towards the fire, "You go cool off by the fire, baby, I got this," she soothes. Then she plays sounding board for the irate Courtney and troubled Danielle, and now we see how Cirie has gone from forgone conclusion to dark horse spoiler: by being everyone's friend, the sane one who never seems to have her own issues and is more than happy to help you deal with yours. Coupled with her lack of athletic ability, she certainly isn't anywhere near the top of anyone's hit list. Nicely played.

Anyway, all the girls seem freaked out at Aras' rage, having fallen for his Mr. Nice Guy bullcrap all this time--granted, it's easy to look reasonable when the other two men in your tribe are an erratic tree stump-hoarding maniac jerkface and an egotistical rock-gardening loner prone to extended imaginary combat with the Panamanian air. Courtney is certain that the REAL reason Aras wants Sally gone is that he's fearful of an all-female alliance, and it probably is in the back of Aras' head. Courtney casually tells us, "Like, look, mans, if Austin like, HAS the Idol...like, I'm sorry but like, Aras has to like, go at like, some point." America squeals in delight. Aras meanwhile, is smiling thru the rage, still trying to charm us, but he's very, "Hey Christine, we should hang out more, you're great, you're pretty, can I copy your History homework, I TOTALLY forgot to do it, you'd be saving my LIFE." If you do indeed find yourself being swayed by Aras', I'd recommend wrapping tinfoil on your head first, before you go to all the trouble and expense of hiring a professional deprogrammer. Aras insists, "Unlike me, Courtney hasn't shown one bit of intelligence since we've been out here and it's interesting that the two Chaosa guys aren't being protected by their women. They're either fools or they...and I find this almost impossible to fathom...but it's almost like, they wouldn't mind if Shane or I went home before they did...as though, they're actually trying to play this game for themselves? Nah..." Back in the shelter, Terry and Austin snuggle up to Danielle and offer her *drum roll* fifth place, same as Bruce. SO they haven't decided who they'd dump first, so that's why they're being honest, i.e. insulting, by offering Danielle Final Five--when that's PROBABLY where she stands, worst case scenario, in her own tribe! To sweeten the deal, Terry promises to give her the Idol, which he shows to her, if she joins forces with them. *America, the Beautiful starts playing* "Danielle," Terry assures her, "I went to the Naval Academy and there, no one ever lies, cheats or steals. There's a lot of violent and homoerotic hazing and some sexual harassment, sure, but again, no lying, cheating or stealing. So you KNOW you can trust me, hot pants." Danielle goes off to think on it, telling us, "Ah don' tink ah can trust ARRRS, y'now what ah'm sayin? An' gettin' duh Immunity Item at dis stage uh duh game could be a real lifesavuh--ah could really change dis game around tuhnight and turn it intuh somethin' totally suhprisin' y'know?" I swear, she really did call it the Immunity ITEM. The Psychotic Joke meets one more time to try to get a consensus and Courtney again balks at voting for Sally. Aras is concerned about the possibility of "Getting a Whammy" at Tribal Council-a very apt reference, I thought. At the La MENa meeting, Austin suggests to Terry, "You should give the Idol to me or Sally if we don't get anybody to join us." Terry smiles, "Uh...I'll uh...let's see what happens, I'll get back to you on that. Be sure to leave your resume with my assistant, Sally." Sally frowns, "What the hell?" "Ssshh, Sally, I'm in a meeting with Austin here. Game stuff, man stuff. Hold all my coconut-phone calls."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff opens up the meeting by asking Aras about his strategy to load up Terry, Shane and Austin's boat with coconuts, and to convince the girls to do the same. "Well, Jeff, the team with the three athletic guys on it clearly had the advantage, so I used my superior deductive skills to formulate an intricate plot by which both my team and the all-girls team had a completely even shot at the reward." Cirie doesn't let him get away with that, "Oh, It gave YOU a huge advantage and you know it," she scoffs. Aras doesn't seem upset by Cirie's calling him on this, probably because despite his better judgement that's telling hi to fly under the radar, he craves acknowledgement. Aras then admits to Jeff he does feel exposed because if the Idol comes into play, he could be going home. Austin smiles at this, giving America the false hope that Tribal Council is going to live up to the pre-vote hype and be mildly interesting. It isn't. Austin and Dani blandly reiterate the you-had-to-be-there bond they forged on Exile Island, and Shane gives one of those Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future looks of his that could mean he's worried about Dani's loyalty or, just as likely, that he's having some kind of digestive issue. Jeff asks Courtney if she's worried that some in the Psychotic Joke (and Cirie and Bruce) might be looking ahead, past the Final Six, and thinking of making a move now, "Like, I think, like anyone playing this, like, game for real is gonna like, look---" Shane interrupts, "Jeff, I'm gonna butt in here right now since you keep FRICKIN' IGNORING ME, DUDE!! I'm worried about the hidden Immunity Idol too, man!" Now it's Terry's turn to give us a smug little smirk, for some unknown reason, since he has no intention of using it tonight. More false hope. Dani says she goes with her gut when it comes to voting, which gives us no clue, and then Bruce just come sright out and says, "It's been in my head this whole time that my friends could be setting me up but right now, I appreciate the six that I'm with." So right then we knew Bruce wasn't gonna lie unnecessarily, so he wasn't flipped and Dani wouldn't flip without the numbers, so Austin is doomed unless (sigh) Terry gives him the Immunity Idol, or the Joke votes for Sally. They don't. They all vote for Austin, while Aras gets three meaningless votes--meaningless because Terry does not give Austin the Idol to deflect his own votes. It WAS fun watching Shane and Aras sweat, at least, and it's more than a little frightening that COURTNEY was exactly right about how the night would and should go down. In his exit Interview, Austin continues to sing the praises of "super human" Terry, and is rooting for him to win it all. Oh, Austin.

Austin is voted out in 9th place, and becomes the first member of the Exile Island Jury. Our first first juror was witty Greg, the only contestant to actually use the coconut-phone in real life. In Australia, we lost tough-tawkin' finger-wavin' Alicia and in Africa, we said goodbye to catty Kelly, who was as stunned as the rest of us when Lex went on a witch hunt over one stupid vote cast against him. He wrongly blamed Kelly, and she was history. In the Marquesas, this was that wonderful point in the game when Neleh and Pappy realized that they were low on their alliance's pecking order, so they flipped things up and ousted arrogant and weepy John in a delicious stunner. In Thailand, busty Erin was the first of many unmemorable people to leave Survivor Thailand, the season that almost killed the show. In the Amazon, the season that SAVED the show, Dave the clueless rocket-scientist crashed and burned, and in the Pearl Islands, Ryan-O, friend of the Pelicans, departed the competition. In Vanuatu, Sarge was betrayed by Twila, who reneged on HER son's-name-swear to link back up with Evil Ami's sisterhood, while in Palau, Coby self-destructed and engineered an early ouster by plotting against Tom and Ian a bit too soon. Last season, Sweet Bobby Jon left the game--but not our hearts--when Gary showed up at Tribal council with that season's Hidden Immunity Idol.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Austin Carty is indeed a published author--you can check out some reviews of his tear-jerker novel "Somewhere Beyond Here," at amazon.com. They're pretty good, though most of them are rather suspiciously from his home state of North Carolina. One of his non-fans accuses him of having an oedipal complex.

Next up: Well. Presumably someone's gonna be carted off on a stretcher and someone's gonna go to the Panama Canal. Eventually. Maybe. The scenes show Terry rubbing his athletic prowess in Shane and Aras's faces. It'll be interesting to see if Dani tells anyone that Terry has the Idol--I don't see it being to her advantage to do so. By not giving the Idol to Nick and Austin, Terry has perhaps created reasonable doubt over whether he has the Idol. What Terry fails to grasp is, it wasn't in anyone's interest to go to his side when he was in charge and calling the shots, and his dutiful servants, Austin and Nick were still in the picture. But it would be something all together to do it now, now that you're looking at Final Four situation--in fact, the Idol could be used to backdoor someone, to use some Big Brother lingo :) If they can just keep Immunity from Terry (no easy feat), someone could get Terry and Sally, say to vote for Shane, and then Terry saves himself with the Idol and Shane goes without ever KNOWING it was engineered by Aras or Dani or whoever. Also, the possibility of a women's alliance is indeed starting to emerge. The show began with a purge of the ladies, but we are now tied up at 4-4 in the battle of the sexes because none of the men are looking at any of the women as threats right now. But...who are we kidding. Sally's probably doomed--I hope not, but we all know that if Terry was not willing to part with his precious Idol for his men, he sure as hell ain't wasting it on some dame. Maybe Sally can win Immunity and REALLY throw this game in an uproar? She came dang close tonight...

Peace!

Christine :)

Survivor 12.7 "I just hit Bruce in the face with a machete--I'm outta here!"

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Late, yes, I'm sorry. I'm sick, my computer's sick--badness all around. I've been watching old episodes of "One Day At A Time," and I just have to say, "Seinfeld"'s Kramer: total ripoff of Scheider. Discuss.

WE SURE COULD USE A COMMON ENEMY RIGHT ABOUT NOW

Night at Chaosa, and Courtney is cold. She asks Shane for more blanket and he tells her he has none to give her (which, I have to admit did look like the case). The next morning, Courtney goes on a tour of the tribe, whining about the incident to anyone who's too fatigued from hunger to run away, and the cameraman, who's paid to listen. Courtney insists that her "innards" are still freezing inside and continues to mete out false hope to America by insisting that Shane is like, soooo out of here. We'll believe it when we see it, Miss Codependant. Elsewhere, Bruce attends to his Zen Garden while Shane and Aras sneer from a distance. Aras snorts, "I love how he gets up every morning to be all disiplined and spiritual--whatever, dude." Then Bruce continues with the Shining On of America, claiming, "The whole game's gonna change when the Merge happens!" Sounds good, but there seems to be a real disconnect between what Bruce thinks is real, and what actually is. Just ask the legions of imaginary warriors he conquers on a daily basis during his KATAS!

Sally is still in Exile--and no one is sent there during the episode which I felt was a ripoff, but, whatever--we also didn't see anyone carted off on a strecther NOR did we visit the Panama Canal. That's all happening in the future--perhaps the distant future. Maybe they're trying to help us feel a part of the show by deceiving and betraying us. At La MENa, Nick gives me reason 33 why I'll never be a contestant on Survivor: "We'll have slugs for lunch and beans for dinner," he decides. *shudder* Austin is fretting about the Merge, he knows they're likely to be sitting ducks, and he doesn't know that Terry has the Idol. If he did, maybe HE could convince Terry to make a target of himself, but Terry's all about Terry. I was enamored for a while but now he just bugs the crap out of me. More on that later--and no, not in a subsequent review, but in this one. I'll never go CBS on y'all. ANyway, the guys get this lame-ass "poem" that only rhymes every other line. I know it's hard to do poems all the time, which is why I gave it up, but they're paying people to...wait...it's CBS, nevermind. The "poem" tells them to look for something that MIGHT be buried treasure, and it's not, it's a boat laden with firewood and a mystery box for them to bring with them to The Merge. The Unbeliebablely Sincere Nick is very happy about the Merge, "Meeting new people--that's what it's all about!" C'mon, Nick. Eye of the Tiger. Eye of the Tiger! Austin's enthusiasm about the Merge, "As Marvin Gaye said, Let's Get It On!" Which came off really gay since the guys were all sweaty and half-naked as he said this, and that song is about sex. Terry is ridiculously confident, since he has Immunity and has no idea how to play this game. He shrugs, "All we need to do is get either Shane and Bruce--who've already been wowed by my leadership when they were in my FIRST tribe--to flip, then we win whatever the tie-breakers is and then we've got the numbers to pick them off one by one and then I use my Super-Secret immunity to get into the Final Four and bada-bing bada-boom, I win a million dollars. I will use my Immunity Idol earlier for strategery purposes if I HAVE to, but remember, I don't actually know how to play this game, so I won't actually know when that time will be."

BUFF IN BLACK

So, everyone at Chaosa is lazing around half-dead, when suddenly, they see the boat approaching and they start to guess who's been sent home, and everyone thinks it was either Terry or Austin, because they assume they voted off their strongest member, physically, because they assume these people have a clue about the game, which they really don't. Of course, Shane is doing a whole lotta talkin' with his mouth full and of course, Courtney's wearing a feather in her hair and of course, Chaosa all starts scarfing down all the rice they have so they don't have to share with the new arrivals. Then Shane gathers everyone together and is all, "I'm so proud of all of us for sticking together, man. We are SO tight, and I'm just really glad that none of you took me seriously when I said I wanted to be a lone wolf." Aras tells us that they're gonna stick together and vote the La MENans out one by one, which is totally valid in Survivor, but fear not, people who hate Chaosa, that scenario has only occured twice in Survivor's 11 previous seasons (the original and Thailand. Aras frets that Bruce might "flip-flop" on the Psycotic Joke Alliance. Naturally, he neglects to mention that Bruce was never actually a member of the Alliance, in fact, Aras lobbied for his ouster the last time Chaosa got to vote. Then Sally returns from Exile, and Bruce chiverously strides out into the ocen to help her with her things. The new tribe then opens the not-buried treasure box which of course is filled with flag-making supplies and loads of snacks. Snarfing ensues. The new buffs are a really sharp black with orange-logo, befitting the unseasonal Halloweeny theme. Aras admits that once they got a look at the food Survivor had sent (which bore an eerie resemblance to the food-drop from the Dharma Initiative that the "Lost" castaways received the day before, in TV Time) "I kinda wanted to slap myself for eating all that rice before they got here." Wah-wah. Terry marvels, "I was a little surprised at how well we were received, but then again, I don't give other people much credit." Terry, if they treated you like crap, it would be called frontstabbing.

ISLAND LEADER PRETEND

Terry takes charge of the shelter building, much to the bemusement of SHane and Aras, who fancy themselves the real power of the island (and a pox on Dani and Courtney if they wind up being Helen and Jan to their Brian and Clay). Shane refers to their previous shelter as having been "really great", despite the fact that it was waterlogged, mud-swamped and the freakin' outhouse was a reasonable alternative to it for some. Then Shane declares that he doesn't think Terry has the Idol (based on...?) so Terry will be targetted the next time he doesn't have Immunity--which would be grand, if only to make Terry use it so that he'll stop talking about it. Terry then tries to sell Bruce on switching over to his side, but being all noble and honest, he only promises Bruce "Fianl Five," the same way Shane promised Bobby "Final Six". It's NOTHING. You're telling them you think they're expendable, you just want them to be expendable for THEM. Man, Bruce is crazy, but I'd love for him to win over these jerks. Terry tells us, "Well, we knew Bruce was gonna be an outsider because he's weird, so I immediatley told him that, and offered him a spot on MY team right away AND I gave him my word, which I'm sure was a huge honor for him." In an almost-unbelievably self-serving diary segment, Shane pretneds to be compassionate as he discusses Bruce's acceptance issues, gag me. Then he talks about how he and Aras have decided to control Bruce by convincing him he's their leader. Their idea of "convincing him" is being over-the-top ass-kissy. When Bruce tells them that Terry listens to him, Aras gets all squinty and intense, "You run the show, man, you let him Know that." You'd think he was doing a bit part on the Sopranos. Actually, he's more like "Bad Surfer Dude" on an episode of "CHiPs." "You're the senior member of the tribe," Shane yawns, without bothering to make eye-contact with Bruce at all. What's even more maddening that their arrogance is the fact that Bruce seems to be falling for it, telling us with a straightface that "I'm the swing vote in BOTH tribes--it's great to be in such a position of power--I'm in the best place of ALL." Dude, they're vying for the honor of voting you out in fifth place--maybe even sixth place. When he was drunk he seemed to get it, vowing to switch sides at the earliest opportunity, but now he seems to be unable to embrace the truth--his ego won't alow him to accept that anyone wouldn't hold him in the highest esteem.

IN YOUR FACE, BRUCE!

It's raining, of course, and Cirie and Dani are fretting about Bruce "switching sides." Again, at what point was Bruce made to feel welcome? Anyway, Nick is using the machete to cut a rope and he's cutting up instead of down, you know, pulling the blade up into the air, and it slices up faster than he anticipates and catches Bruce right in the face, shipping his tooth and giving him quite a gash on the lip. Nick is very remorseful and fears he may have written his ticket home, "I just hit Bruce in the face with a machete,---I'm outta here!" Aww, not really. I mean, you ARE going home next, but not because you maimed somebody. Terry swaggers over, "I'm a man, so I'm gonna use another sports analogy while I kiss up to Bruce--Bruce, they're gonna stictch you right up, you'll be on the Disabled List for a day and then you'll be right back in the thick of it." Shane of course has to remind us that he's an ass by admitting he was momentarily concerned about losing Bruce's vote and then Bruce gets all, "I've lothed theeth and hab by lip gathed before, bof in imagthinary combat aan in real life. Ith no big deal," as he spits blood everywhere. They really should have subtitled split-lip Bruce. He goes on to rant and rave to us, perhaps while medicated, "Ah'm gonna ouw pufform dem, ah'm gonna ouw wit dem an' in compethin, ah'm gonna beat dem all!" Trivia Question: has Bruce out anything'd anyone so far this season? Don't bother re-reading my previous missives, the answer is no. Bruce then turns his attention to the new tribe flag. The new tribe is called "Gitanos," which is Spanish for "Gypsys," which is very appropriate because the flag looks like something someone might bring to a Stevie Nicks concert. Bruce, never missing an opportunity to review his resume with us, goes on to tell us, "The tribe commissioned me, for 2 papayas and an extra spoonful of rice, to paint the tribe flag, which is right up my alley since I've been an art teacher for 34 years. I'm gonna out-paint everyone else out here!" You know no one else wanted to do it, but it is a pretty kick-ass flag. Does anyone else remember Gitanos jeans? I wore them a lot in the 80's, I'm sure they were high-waisted and pegged at the ankle.

TOP SON OF A GUN

Aras tells Austin that if Terry doesn't win Immunity, he's surely going home, which would play perfectly into the great plan we all came up with, where Terry suckers Chaosa into voting for him, he whips out the Immunity Idol, and whoever HIS teams votes for, i.e. Shane or Aras, goes home in a stunning move that throws them into further chaos and makes it easier for Terry to lure people over to his side. But remember the millipede-of-Terry-doesn't-know-how-to-play-Survivor. He may not have appeared in the episode, but he looms large in our memory. Terry still wants to keep the Immunity Idol until the Final Four, so he's bound and determined to win them over with his dazzling smile and leadership skills. He approaches Shane and smirks, "Shane, we got a solid 4-pack, and if you were to join us, and bring Cirie over with you, that'd be real super, and then you wouldn't have to worry about anything for two weeks!" Shane frowns, "Dude, I don't have to worry about anything for two weeks anyway." And I just loved how Terry not only expects Shane to join him, but do some of his work for him by flipping Cirie. He does try to pitch the same deal to Cirie, in a hilarious scene where they both stand bend-over the ocean looking very conspicuous and...silly. Cirie finds Terry's move rather hilarious, "It's like, he's offering me something...but I don't think he's in a position to offer me anything." He isn't--he's offering Cirie to be HIS fifth person instead of Shane and Aras's, and her stock seems to have risen with the boys, probably because they're sure she won't threatened them in a challenge. So what does she gain by flipping? A pissed-off jury who won't vote for her. It's clear now that the idea of baiting a trap hasn't even occured to Terry, who STILL seems to think that Chaosa should be THRILLED at the mere idea of getting to be one of his lieutenants. At the campfire he flashes his cocky grin to a flabbergasted Shane and Cirie and asks, "You in?" Shane snorts, "Dude, no. Look, Cirie and I are in a pretty good position right now--we got to the Merge with the numbers. Maybe you're gonna get someone to flip, but it ain't gonna be me, and it won't be her." Terry pretends to understand what Shane is telling us, but later, he tells us, "Shane's probably a no, Cirie's a maybe, Bruce is still in the mix, and I still got my Immunity Idol, my "Ace in the Hole" in my back pocket, so I'm sitting real pretty right now." Ugh, he's insufferable. He may be playing EXACTLY the kind of game that gets someone to the Finals, but he wants to be seen as some sort of "great leader" who cares about "his team," and that's just bullcrap. In the background, Bruce cna be seen doing his KUH-RAH-TAY!

IMMUNITY, BACK UP FOR GRABS

Aras comes to the challenge sporting a faux hawk, for some unknown reason. Does anyone else get a "gay" vibe off Aras? Not that there's anything wrong with that? The challenge is, as it usually is at this stage of the game, a test of will--who wants it the most. The Survivors must wrap themselves around some logs and hang on as long as they can, rotessire chicken style. Jeff unveils the gaudy Immunity Necklace, which is so ornate it seems to actually frighten Cirie. Jeff asks everyone how the Merge is going and Nick actually describes it as, "Two days of love, where the game was put on hold so we could all get to know one another." Two days of love--and hitting people in the face with machetes, lets not forget that. ANd Nick, I hate to break it to you, but the other tribe doesn't especially HAVE to play the game right now. Anyway, Cirie is first out, only lasting 3-4 minutes. It's a hard challenge for a heavier person, for sure. Then Aras dogs it, dropping after 11 minutes, then Bruce. Way to beat...two of them in competition, Bruce. Sally comes down, and then Shane barks at Jeff to bring hims some food to tempt him off and Jeff informs him that there isn't any coming and at that, Shane, Danielle and Courtney all give up on trying for the Immunity that none of them need. In some seasons, this is very controversial, but in this one, it feels more like a necessary message to Terry: DUDE, WE'RE NOT JOINING YOU. And as Austin asked Terry to quit so that he could win, I allowed myself to hope that maybe this was all part of an ingenious plot to infuritea Chaosa and get them gunning for Terry, Terry makes it look good, like he's really trying to win, but then he drops...but no. He stays up there and Austin drops, and after 40 minutes of agony, so does Nick. Terry wins Immunity, and is pleased as punch to be twice as safe as everyone else on his "team," because all they're there for is to take the bullets that would be coming at him. They aren't his team, they're his secret service agents.

Back at camp, Terry tries to worm his way into Bruce's heart by, once again, brown-nosing. Terry shamelessly tells Bruce, "you know what enabled me to hang on so long was my marvelling at the discipline and committment it must have took for you to achieve your level of mastery in your kurahty!" And Bruce eats it up, telling us that Terry's the bestest most honorable man ever, blah blah blah, and he--Bruce, is so fortunate to be in a position of respect and power in BOTH tribes. Oy! Austin, certain that he's dead man walking now, asks Bruce to pray with him, and the two men start praying to Jesus. Not Austin-Jesus, real Jesus. Then Shane brays at Bruce, calling him over for a Chaosa tribe meeting, so they can decide who to vote out. They hold hands in a circle as they do this, I'm...not really sure why, but it's weird so it's probably some "energy" thing suggested by either Courtney or Aras. Bruce arrives and whispers, "Thanks for including me, guys," and Shane and Aras are all, "Of course--you're our leader!" Shane then tells everyone once again how proud he is over the fact that they've stuck together and then he polls the group. Dani and Aras are both undecided, and Courtney and Cirie both feel nick is a bigger threat than Austin, since Nick outlasted Austin in the challenge. Shane nods, "Huh, for some reason, I catually thing Austin is the one to get rid of, but I'd much rather tell you "I told you so later," then assert my own opinion now, so we'll go with what YOU all decided." Just down the beach, La MENa are bent out of shape at the obvious display of "we're running this game," and Nick sneers, "It's like Kindergarten. You can't be more obvious than THAT." Sally ponders philosophically, "Would we have been that cocky?" Terry shakes his head, "Of course not, we're MEN. Except for you Sally. When we voted out Dan, we told him we were gonna do it right to his face." Sally frowns, 'You didn't tell Misty you were gona vote her out. You didn't tell Ruth Marie either---" Terry cuts her off, "Sally, that was different, we were voting out WOMEN." Aras comes over and Terry hisses, "You couldn't have come up with a NICER way to do what you just did?" Aras refuses to be guilt-tripped, "No, no, no, look, Terry. This is the situation--we're in charge, you're going down one by one, and people always like me, so clearly, I didn't do anything wrong. And when you're voting between me and Shane in the Final Two, remember he's the one that did all the yelling before." Shane is bemused by any hurt feelings he's caused, "I don't care what they think, they're still going home one by one!" You said that about Cirie, and she's still here, jackass. As the gang troops over to Tribal Council, we still had a glimmer of hope. Nick told us that La MENa was casting their votes for Shane...maybe Terry could slip the Immunity Idol to Nick or Austin...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Courtney, "So, Gitanos. Who came up with that?" Courtney beams, "It was like, kinda like, a collective decision that like, the Island Mother provided for us." Meanign Courntey came up with it and no one else gave a crap to come up with anything else. Jeff then turns to Terry, "So Terry, how does it feel to be Merged and down in the numbers 6-4--you must've been bummed when you realized you could get picked off one by one and not have any one to SUPPORT you." Terry smirks, "I was hoping for one more Immunity Challenge--see, I've never really watched the show so I didn't know that this is when the Merge happens every single year except that one time when you screwed-ver that Shii-Ann girl with the fake Merge." Jeff snaps, "We made her an All-Star and Amber gave her a frickin' car. Let it go!" Then he asks Nick how they can possibly overcome the numbers disadvantage, and Nick explains, "Well, Jeff, it's quite simple. We tried to identify the fringe players on Chaosa and exploit their weak positions within that tribe so that they'd be willing to come over to our side." Jeff sniffs, "I'm well aware of how this ganme is supposed to be played, Nick. Bruce, he's clearly talking about YOU, so why didn't you flip? You told Bobby you were gonna, in the bathroom? I got it on tape, so what gives." Bruce shrugs, "I have always felt like an ousider, looking in, and yet, I also feel like I'm greatly respected by both of these teams. Holding these two contradictory ideas in my head has caused me greta psychic pain--pain that has begun to rip my face open!" Jeff sighs, "Bruce...that was Nick, in the shelter, with a machete. Get a Clue." Bruce shrugs, 'If that is what you have to believe, Jeff, then so be it." Then Austin foolishly admits that he probably could have done better at the challenge but he didn't want to appear as strong as he really was, which doesn't go over real well. For a seemingly smart guy, Austin sure says some dumb things. Jeff calls Chaosa on their cockiness and he gets no argument from this seasons "Magic Six," who are all confident that none of them will break ranks tongiht. Aras brings up the fact that the Immunity Idol could come into play and mess with everyone's game, and Terry grins from ear to ear, his thought bubble reading: "He's talking about ME! I'M gonna use my secret Immunity Idol to get into the Final Four! Tee hee hee!" So, no reason to worry Aras, Terry doesn't know how to use the Idol as a weapon, only as a shield, so you and Shane are safe tonight and for the forceable future. La MENa sends four votes to Shane, and Nick goes down 6-4. Terry does not pass him the Idol--he was NEVER going to do anything that interesting and bold. Instead, he's now down to one secret Immunity Idol and two human shields, Sally and Austin, and that's a-okay with him. Which is fine, this is Survivor, but he's playing a Hatch-like game, and trying to dress it up like he's the very picture of nobility, and this Survivor Historian ain't buying it. In his final act of the game, Nick tosses what looks to be an extra pair of socks to a grateful Cirie--how is this guy still single, he's a doll!

Nick is ousted in 10th place, the dreaded "makes the merge, not the jury" position (as he feared). In season one this spot belonged to good ol' Gretchen, who's shocking departure revealed the reality of Survivor's very first Evil Alliance--we were so naive in Season One. In the Outback, the now-obsolete "previous votes" tiebreaker doomed mean Jeff while Africa's Clarence Black aka C.B. lost the faith of his tribe on day one when he ate the forbidden beans, but they kept him around until this point in the game. In the Marquesas, Boston Rob aka Chachi was taken out, but ala the Godfathah movies he so loved, "they keep pulling him back in." In Thailand, the season's only halfway interesting person, Shii Ann, was booted in the Merge-that-wasn't-a-merge, by her boring tribe of losers who were then kicked out one by one and you'll all have a hard time remembering any of them in the coming weeks, when I try to remind you of them. In the Amazon, cranky Roger thought having an all-male majority meant smooth-sailing, but Alex and Rob wanted to hang out with the ladies. In the Pearl Islands...sigh. Okay, Osten quit and mean Shawn were send packing to make way for losers Burton and Lill--the following week, 110% handsome Andrew went home, which sucked. For bookkeeping purposes, we call Andrew, Shawn and Osten tied for 10th place. In Vanuatu, the only thing that didn't suck about Rambo Rory being knocked out here is that he never got around to burning Ami and company's camp to the ground like he promised. Bobby Jon had to come bcak for a second season to make the jury, he fell just short his first time around in Palau, losing a fire-making contest to Steph (whom he'd ironcially TAUGHT to make fire). Last season, decent Farmer Brandon walked into the sunset.

EVICTED SURVIVORS FUNFACTS

I fogot to give you one for Dan last week--did you know that he was an astronaut!? He also builds robots in his spare time--owns a robot company, in fact, so Dan's the one to blame when they take over the Earth and whatnot. Oh, and he lists Apollo 13 as one of his favorite movies. Oh Dan, c'mon.

Nick is a flyfisherman from Wyoming, who roots for that Atlanta Braves. Hey, John, are the Braves the Official Team of Wyoming since you all don't have one? Oh, and I like Nick enough to assume that his listing of the Olsen Twins under "favorite actressess" is tongue in cheek. He uses his Exit Speech to implore his fellow 20-somethings to follow their dreams. He's a real sweetheart, and he will be missed.

Peace!

Christine :D