Survivor 12.10 "You know I wanna be on your backside, and I want you to be on mine."

TERRY, TERRY, WHY YA BUGGING?

Morning at Chaosa. I mean...Gypsy Cove or whatever. But let's face it, it's still Chaosa plus Terry, who's feeling mighty lonely and sorry for himself, "Sally's gone, and they're all gunning for me, and last night around the fire they were asking me, "Is something wrong?" And I wanted to say, "Yeah, something's wrong--none of you guy's are willing to give me the same blind obedience that I got from my now-extinct old tribe, and it bums me out. How can so many people fail to follow a natural leader such as myself?" He sneers as Danielle and Shane greet each other with a morning hug and congratulate one another for not stabbing the other in the back. Shane claims they'll be the first tribe in Survivor History to stick together until the end, which isn't really true. Hatch and company did it in Season One (yeah, they woulda got rid of Kelly if she'd lost Immunity), Brian kept his band of losers devoted to him in Thailand and many groups of three or four people have remained strong all the way thru, and if that's all you need, why not eject a Jerri or a Clarence or a Coby, if they're gonna queer your million-dollar deal. Then Terry starts on his daily bragging, telling us, "I have to win these next three Immunities, and then I can use my Immunity Idol to get me past the Final Four. Once I'm in the Final Three, heh, c'mon. It's pretty obvious that I'm mentally and physically superior to everyone here." I hate to say it, but I'd rather have Shane win then Terry. Really. He's so confident that he can win this, same has he's won everything else in his life, and...uh uh. No, he's needs to be taken down a few 1000 feet. Just seeing him having to use his Idol before the Final Four would be sooo sweet, please let it happen, PLEASE. So, anyway, this pot of beans sort of dumps into the fire and Courtney gets a little short with Danielle while asking for help with it, and Danielle gets a little defensive about Courtney's snippiness, and it's not anything beyond, that, a typical domestic spat that happens between siblings, roommates, spouses and friends every second of every day and nobody dies or tries to vote anyone out, but Survivor decides to play some ominous music and show Terry grinning at "Chaosa starting to fall apart." News flash Terry: this cantankerous band of nutballs have had waaaay worse blow-outs then that, and they still managed to stick together and kick your tribe's collective butt at most of the Immunity challenges, and they haven't yet bit at your attempts to get them to turn on one another. Still, he's counting on their eventual NEED to turn on each other (especially since he believes he's guaranteed a spot in the Final Three, gag) as paving the way for them all to vote for him, because he won't have betrayed him, but I don't see any of Chaosa giving him the satisfaction. Bruce, meanwhile, returns from an unproductive visit to Casa de Charmin, and announces that he's so constipated, he's in excruciating pain. Courtney chimes in, "Like, I remember this one time when like, I was so constipated? And like, I thought I was having like..." "A child?" Danielle quips. Courtney sighs and glares, "No, Danielle, an appendicitis. And like, I'd really appreciate it of you wouldn't like, interrupt me when we're like, talking about ME. Oh, and like, Bruce." Bruce reveals he hasn't gone to the bathroom since before the Panamanian Village Feast, which is like...I don't have an exact schedule, but it was....8 days ago? Something like that. CBS plays some twinkly poignant music over all this to try to stop people from giggling and get that this is serious. Then the gang gets some dolls to decorate for the upcoming Reward Challenge. They have to make them look like them, so Cirie gives her some bigger boobs, and Shane gives his, for whatever reason, what looks like Seinfeld's infamous puffy shirt...

SURVEY SAYS: COURTNEY SUCKS

Not like most of US needed a survey, but Courtney...she doesn't see what's coming at all. So, it's the game where they all have to take a questionnaire, and then guess who got the most votes for each question, and if they get it right, they get to chop one of any players three ropes. When the third rope is cut, that person's doll is set aflame, and they're out of the Reward Running. The winner gets to go for a spa day, shower, get their clothes washed, and eat a big meal. "Will their be colonics and Raisin Bran, Jeff?" "Uh...no, Bruce." "Hmmmm," Bruce groans. So let's get to it. the first question is: "Who does the least for the tribe." Winner, well, right answer, anyway, is Danielle, who seems amused, not ticked off. Cirie, Aras and Shane all cut Terry out of the game (he gives his chop to Aras). Terry smiles as he bashes fists with an also-fake smiling Aras, and when Jeff says, "Well DUH, Terry, you can't be surprised about this," Terry looks like he's REALLY mad. Dude, I hate when I have to invoke Richard Hatch in a positive way, but he didn't care jack squat about Reward Challenges (True, in season one it was sometimes a slice a pizza and a beer). Eye on the prize, flyboy. The next question is "Who Never Shuts Up," and while Terry and Bruce get some "guess" votes, the winner of the private vote is a SURPRISED Courtney. Now...I get not knowing you're annoying or lazy, but how can you NOT know you talk all the time? Next: Who Mistakenly Believes They Are Running this Game: Shane wins that one, and he casts a bizarre vote for Danielle. Shane, no one, not even Danielle, thinks Danielle is running this game. Shane acts all, 'Who ME?" If you don't want to be perceived as the leader, stop calling the tribe meetings and telling everyone who you think they should vote for. Bruce is cut out of the game and Jeff comments about the "clear pecking order" being established--Jeff, it's been established since before the Merge, even Bruce knows it in his heart of hearts (remember him pointedly thanking his tribe for inviting him to one of SHane's team meetings?). When Shane gets mad at Courtney for cutting one of his ropes, Cirie starts giggling, and really doesn't stop the whole rest of the game. Cirie wins "WHo Would You Most Trust With Your Life," and Terry gets even more sulky when he wins "Who Would You Trust the Least the Watch Your Back." Dude, you've been using your "team's" backs as shields since the Merge, and FOCUS, no one on Chaosa is gonna name-check their own on that one, since they're all professing trust to one another at the moment. Note the way the rope chopping is going--the remaining Chaosans are trying to keep it even. The next question is "Who's the biggest Poseur," and Courtney asks, "Like, what's a Poseur?" "The answer is YOU, Courtney," Jeff replies. Interestingly enough, Shane predicted that HE'D get the most votes on that one--at least he's a LITTLE self-aware [Poseur: a person who assumes or affects a character, manner, sentiment, etc., in order to impress others, for example, tattooing yourself to within an inch of your life]

Shane is voted "Moodiest," and lives up to it when he flips out over COurtney's cutting one of his ropes for a second time, "You're life is changing," he warns. Courtney laughs, "Like, we're playing a game, gimme like, a break!" Bruce reminds Courtney of the stakes of said game, and then Aras steps in to remind everyone that this particular challenge is MEND to splinter the group, as suggests rising above it, and of course Terry has to jeer from the loser-box, "Yeah, it's MEANT to splinter to guys," in this mock-concerned tone that's supposed to make him appear like the evil-genius who engineered any Chaosa meltdown that may or may not occur. Terry, it's the Survivor Producers who are the master-manipulators. All you've managed to do is witness all your allies walk out of the game while showing your cards to everyone and making them all resent the hell out of you. You're strong and smart and can beat everyone in one on one games, but this one is political, and you lost THAT part of the game a LONG time ago--when you sent home Dan, I think. Hokay, Courtney is then voted: Most Easily Succumbs to Intimidation and Most Annoying Person Out Here, in quick succession, and all of the sudden, Miss "We're just playing a game" is angling to play Princess Moody to Shane's dark Prince, and Cirie and America can't stop laughing about it. Shane gets even darker when Cirie puts him out of the game and he starts grumbling about Cirie's flying under the radar, the biggest myth of Survivor. People who "fly under the radar" should really be called, "People who the strong tried to use who turned out to be more dangerous than they thought." This is not just a game of race-running and fire-building, it's a game of relationships and being likable, and it's dangerous to keep people around who everyone likes (like Sandra and Danni, for instance) just because you can kick their ass in most games. Again, Hatch understood that--it's why he stabbed his pal Rudy in the back. When people tell Shane to lighten up he huffs, "I'm just having an emotional reaction--I'm 35 going on 12, remember? I get to throw fits and make it YOUR problem for not being cool with it. You guys are SO not as cool as me." The last question, and only Aras and Cirie remain: Who Would Not Survive On Their Own. Aras votes for Terry, and Cirie at the last moment decides to vote for herself--she's right, she's not offended, and she gets to go on a spa retreat. Terry wonders if Aras lost on purpose and Aras demurs, saying he really doesn't think Terry could survive in the wilderness, which doesn't make any sense since Terry's Mr. Exile Island--Aras lost on purpose. Cirie sends Terry off to Exile Island, "You know I can't send any of Chaosa, Terry," she shrugs. Terry sighs heavily, "I've come to expect all bad things until...something...*sniff*...changes." YOU HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL IN YOUR FREAKING POCKET!! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF! THen Cirie gets to pick two people to go with her, and she chooses Aras and Danielle, claiming she had made promises to them early on in the game and she has to honor them. Shane has another "emotional reaction," in which he kicks the ground and insists, "You made the WRONG CALL with Danielle, and you'll be SORRY." Oy!

WINNING RULES!

Aras, Danielle and Cirie revel in their cool helicopter ride over Panama, the chance of a lifetime, blah blah blah. Cirie admits she just picked the two people she thought she'd have the most fun with, and not surprisingly, the people voted moody, controlling, and annoying didn't make the cut. The group gets a mud massage, and Danielle's is a little too rough for her taste. Then they eat some food and dish. Aras (who didn't annoy me week, go figure), says the challenge pointed out the immaturity of the group, and Dani and Cirie (who were both basically called incompetent and/or lazy and didn't bat an eyelash between them) agree that Courtney and SHane are crazy and childish. Then America is left with jaws-a-hanging when Dani states that Courtney has a huge crush on Shane and the others agree that Courtney like to be picked on by SHane because of the attention he pays to her (even if it's bad) and because he inevitably makes-up for it, and she lives for those moments. Knock me over with a feather...

BRUCE ISN'T LOOSE

Back at camp, Shane is still upset about Cirie's decision to take Danielle instead of him--so much so, that he's willing to speculate about what it means to Courtney, when really, he shouldn't be letting her know that he feels close to Cirie--doesn't Courtney still think Cirie's going before her and Danielle? But Courtney's too busy feeling sorry for herself to pay any attention to any game-related Intel being dumped in her lap, "Nice to know where you stand," she whimpers, and tells Shane she doesn't care about who Cirie picked to go with her, she cares about what was said about HER at the challenge, and Shane scoffs, telling her she's taking it too personally. She thinks there's no way not to, and Shane is surprisingly sane about the whole thing, telling her the questions were stupid and she should focus on the end-game, not some silly quiz--probably because doing so allows him to criticize Courtney's "emotional reaction" which is of course, invalid. She's no longer happy to be on the Island, and declares, "I'm gonna have to live with this for the rest of my life." Good Lord. A fly lays eggs on a fish the tribe is gonna eat later, to remind us that Bruce is still in serious gastrointestinal distress. He hasn't been able to poop in 10-12 days, which isn't funny. Shane the Pot calls Bruce the Kettle black, "He can be overdramatic, but not about this--he's in real pain."

Later that night, Bruce's pain has worsened. He is now doubled over in pain, unable to move. Courtney enters the shelter and coos, "Awwww, Poor Bruce. Can I sing a song? Would that help? More importantly, how can we make this moment about me. Let me go get my fire toys!" Bruce begs her not to sing, and she does anyway. Finally, Bruce asks for the medical team to come in, and the boat arrives, with a hunky Aussie doctor in tow, "Talk to me Bruce, whaah's the pain? Aah you allergic to anything--have you had any recent medical emergencies?" Bruce sputters, "How....much...time do you...have...doctor? I...have had...numerous....strange and...nearly...fatal injuries...over the years---oww!" Dr. Aussie stops Bruce from giving his medical resume and starts an assessment. He can't rule out appendicitis, so the decision is made to take Bruce to a hospital. Dr. Aussie asks Courtney and SHane for their help, "I got loads of more-qualified people on the boat, but Mr. Burnett thinks it would be bettah TV if you two carried the stretchuh, so there you go, mates." Shane frowns, "Does it have to be right this second? Because I'm not wearing any pants." He's not folks--Cirie told him not to wear the wet pants, so he apologizes to the crew, "Sorry about this, but I got my own medical condition goin' on downstairs--actually, do you have a second to look at it? Or maybe just some drugs you could lay on me? A cigarette?" Some Enya-esque music starts playing to remind everyone that, Shane's penis notwithstanding, there's some seriously moving stuff going on here. Well...maybe "moving" isn't the right word. Sorry, Bruce. Bruce is loaded onto the Medical Boat, and Shane's sincere (no, really) voice over tells us that he hopes Bruce can finish on his own terms, "He's lived a full, beautiful, ginormous life, and I hope he comes back." The dramatic scene ends with a poignant shot of Shane staring sadly after the departing boat...a scene rendered only slightly less-poignant by the sight of Shane's naked, blurred-out ass. And yet, "The Amazing Race" keeps winning the Emmys.

TERRY IN EXILE

Terry blah blah blahs about how he's had a target on his back from day one and then he sniffs, "The "participation" part of that challenge was a JOKE." Yeah, this just in Terry, DUH. When is this guy gonna just shut up and deal? He claims that he got some great "observation time," and he's gonna use the time alone in Exile to strategize, using his new knowledge. Dude, you've GOT Immunity wrapped up for at least one more week, and the two people who were knocked out of the game first, Bruce and Danielle, already know you have the Idol, and haven't come a'knockin'. I'm just tired of hearing Terry whine about wanting MORE opportunities and MORE breaks, when he's won every Individual Immunity so far and he's got a Get Out Of Jury Free Card in his back pocket. What happened to military guys being the strong SILENT type?

WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO MAKE SOMEONE ELSE'S HEALTH CRISIS ALL ABOUT THEM?

Courtney sighs, "Yesterday, like, everyone ganged up on me and like said I was like, annoying and like, talked all the time, and then, last night was like, a REALLY trying time for me, it was like, soooo like, draining and everything. Bruce being, like, taken away screaming in pain was like, the icing and the cherry and the hot fudge on top of my pretty poo-poo day." Hey Courtney, quit complaining--Bruce would KILL for a poo-poo day. Then, Shane asks Courtney to trust him--no, scratch that, he TELLS her to trust him by insulting her, "I don't want you over-thinking things and messing it all up, if I tell you to do something so that we can get one person further [Danielle? Aras? Cirie?] , you need to do it." Courtney says she doesn't want to agree to agree with whatever he says no matter what, and Shane gets mad. Courtney tries to placate him, "You know I wanna be on your backside, and I want you to be on mine." Um. I...think she meant she wants them to "have each other's backs," in the game-loyalty sense, though after hearing the others say she's crushing on Shane, couple with the fact that she spent an awful lot of time last night (and I do mean awful) in the presence of his nude bare backside (and frontside), I can't really be sure what she meant. So Shane reacts the way anybody would react in this situation--he threatens to murder her if she betrays him. "I'll drive up and I'll kill you in your bleepy little apartment and I'll drive over to my club and that'll be it." Courtney, naturally, is offended and outraged by this. Oh, not by the killing part, silly reader. No, that would be the reaction of a healthy person. Courtney is upset at the fact that Shane has assumed her apartment is bleepy, having never seen it. Shane flips out, "Don't take everything so PERSONAL! It's just and ADJECTIVE!" I dare you to try this at home or at work: call someone dumb or ugly and then insist, "God, you're so sensitive! It's just an adjective!" I'll bet it works even better with nouns! Shane then goes all pot-black on us again, telling us that Courtney is "Glenn Close-Sybil scary-crazy." Uh...who made the random death threat back there, just a minute ago? He goes on, "She's a lunatic, the whole tribe just told her they think she's an idiot--she's a DREAM to go to the Final Two with, I mean, anyone could win against her, anyone! She's a dream!" Don't look now, Boston, but I think someone's sizing up a new step-mother for ya! I'm assuming Shane is presently single, only because if he were in a relationship he'd be sobbing over her two and insisting that no two people have ever shared such a bond, etc. etc.

The winners return to a tension-filled camp. Courtney, upon seeing the boat in the distance, goes to great pains to affect a pose of nonchalance. She sits with her back turned to the arriving boat, and waits for Aras, Cirie and Dani to approach her. "Oh, like, you're back, I like, didn't even notice. So, uh, we're like, less a member--Bruce left last night. He was like, in a lot of pain last night--it was like, REALLY hard on me. I had to like, call for the medics, and like, comfort him, and like, sing him a goddess song, and now, like, I don't know if he's like, coming back or like in the game or like anything. But you guys had a great time, and like, that's what's really important so like, good for you." To top off this moment of SUPREME passive-aggressive bitchiness: while Courtney is saying all this, she's writing in BRUCE'S SKETCHBOOK. Finders keepers, I guess...

Shane meanwhile, has gone into full-on ape-mode, and Aras is concerned. Shane gives an out-of-earshot Cirie the evil eye while he tells Aras that Cirie's taking Danielle has opened his eyes and he raves, "I learned a lot about yesterday, and I'm gonna set myself sail accordingly." That's an exact quote, because if anyone understand it, I'd like them to email me. Aras is annoyed and more than a little worried at Shane's assertion that he's gonna "change the whole game," or whatever. "That bitch Danielle has done NOTHING out here, and I won't go home before her, I won't. I've carried Cirie this whole time--all 300 pounds of her, and she disappointed me in a big way." I now want Aras to win over Shane again, my Aras-is-worse-than-Shane period has passed. Aras may be arrogant, but at least he's respectful to women. Cirie, watching in the distance, is worried, and Danielle is pissed off, "Hasn't ee evuh been on a team befoh? You win some an' you lose some, get ovuh it!" Shane continues to rant, "Everone's in BIG trouble, man, Yah! I'm crazy Shane, Yah! Fear my moodiness and kiss my butt or I'm flipping this whole game, Yah!" So they do. Aras talks him off the ledge and gets him to talk to Cirie, and they re-exchange swears on their kids' lives that they'll take one another to the Final Four. Cirie appears tres insincere though, when she insists, "What Dani and I have is like, NOTHING compared to what you and I have, suckuh. I mean...Shane." I don't think she's gonna gun for him, I think Cirie has the luxury of not having to gun for anybody. She can let the others get their hands dirty. Shane then tells is that his freak-out was *In Jon Lovitz voice* ACTING! Shane is an actor--a direct-to-video staple who also appeared in the first episode of "My So Called Life," among other things. Shane Graham--check out his imdb bio, it's pretty interesting. So anyway, he claims that he wigged out to scare Cire and Aras into strengthening their bond to him, and he insists he's in complete control of their Alliance of Three. We'll see...

WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO SMILE WHEN THEY FIND OUT BRUCE ISN'T COMING BACK?

Courtney cleans out Bruce's Zen Garden, and then writes, "Luv Bruce" in rocks, because Zen can't spell. Danielle is the only person who seems really broken up about Bruce's absence, "Ah really look up tuh Bruce--ee's like a fathuh figuh to me, an' ah miss 'im. Ah said muh prahs last night, an it was real eerie in duh sheltuh with out him. Ah don' care about duh game aspect, ah jus' hope 'ee's all right." Awww. Danielle's the most human person left out here, so my guess is, she's doomed. Then, everyone sees a boat approaching, with Jeff Probst in tow. Jeff rarely, if ever, comes to the Survivor's camp--they always come to him. Every now and then he brings champagne or whatnot to the Final Three or FOur, but today, he's bringing news. Everyone is disappointed when they realize that Terry is onboard, returning from Exile, but Bruce is nowhere to be seen. Jeff circles up the tribe and fills them all in as the Swooping Pelican of Death arrives to confirm: Bruce is out of the game. His entire digestive system--colon, bladder, the whole works, were completely blocked, so it was good that he left when he did. Bruce will not be able to return as a player, though they hope he'll be back as a juror. Terry, unable to think of anything but the "game aspect" at this moment, struggles to suppress a smirk on his face, as he realizes he's just gotten yet another break: He doesn't have to compete for Immunity this week, meaning his Pocket Idol can take him into the Final Five. Cirie raises her eyebrow at Terry's attempt to look bummed at Bruce's medical ouster. The show ends with Terry's disingenuous blathering about Bruce being "a master sensei in the truest sense" but I ain't buying it. Shane's full-moon was more sincere.

Bruce leaves the game in 7th place. He is only the second player in Survivor History to be forced to leave the game due to a medical emergency (as stated earlier, Michael burned his hands in Season Two). 7th place is not usually this exciting--there've been some notable exceptions, but most 7th placers were on the outside looking in on a numbers game. That was certainly the case with slacker Gervase in Season One and lawyer/model Nick in Season Two. You can now rent Season Two on DVD, so quit asking me who he is, or implying I made him up. In Africa, crazy and gruff Army man Frank succumbed to numbers as did "sounded interesting on paper but not in reality" Tammy in the Marquesas. In Thailand, blandly bitchy Penny was a predictable minority tribe casualty as well. Things FINALLY got interesting in the Amazon, when cute Alex got drunk with power (epidemic in the Amazon), and Rob C. had a crisis of conscience and decided to betray him. In the Pearl Islands, Tijuana could've changed things up had she taken Sandra's warnings about Johnny Fairplay and Burton, but she didn't, and she went home. In volatile Vanuatu, Ami and Le Ann got drunk with the power of the all girl-alliance and decided to move against Elisabeth instead of lone-guy Chris, but a shocking alliance between sworn-enemies Twila and Elisabeth led to the elimination of Le Ann, evil Ami's right-hand gal. In Palau, plucky Steph's luck finally ran out as SHE fell victim to the numbers--the odds were better for her last season, when she helped to vote out cagey Gary Hawkins--er--Hogeboom.

RANDOM EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Bruce got his first Black Belt in Kuh! Rah! Tay! the same year he made Eagle Scout--at the age of 16 and he was once bitten by a rattlesnake while golfing--no surprise there. Props for naming "Star Wars" as one of his favorite movies...

What's Next?? A great episode of Survivor, I'm betting. If Terry wins Immunity, it seems that Courtney is a likely candidate--or does Shane really want to go to the end with her? Danielle was voted out right after Terry and Bruce in the pecking-order game. Will their be a split vote? Shane, Terry and Courtney v. Cirie, Dani and Aras? Do Dani and Courtney know that Cirie has snuck past them on Shane and Aras' list, or do they think Cirie is next? Will Terry's vote upset the balance? And if Terry DOESN'T win Immunity, things get even more exciting, because then the Idol comes into play. But who's second place? Will it just be his vote (for Aras?) that counts, or will Aras engineer a pre-emptive strike against Courtney (or whoever) making Terry's vote against him moot? For example: Shane, Courtney and Danielle vote for Terry, Terry votes for Aras, but Aras and Cirie vote for Courtney, so Terry's Idol is gone, but Aras is spared and Courtney walks? One thing's for sure, Terry's not going anywhere--unless, again, he trades the Idol for a broken promise and doesn't win Immunity. Unlikely, but it gives me such pleasant dreams...

Peace Out!

Christine :D