Survivor 12.7 "I just hit Bruce in the face with a machete--I'm outta here!"

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Late, yes, I'm sorry. I'm sick, my computer's sick--badness all around. I've been watching old episodes of "One Day At A Time," and I just have to say, "Seinfeld"'s Kramer: total ripoff of Scheider. Discuss.

WE SURE COULD USE A COMMON ENEMY RIGHT ABOUT NOW

Night at Chaosa, and Courtney is cold. She asks Shane for more blanket and he tells her he has none to give her (which, I have to admit did look like the case). The next morning, Courtney goes on a tour of the tribe, whining about the incident to anyone who's too fatigued from hunger to run away, and the cameraman, who's paid to listen. Courtney insists that her "innards" are still freezing inside and continues to mete out false hope to America by insisting that Shane is like, soooo out of here. We'll believe it when we see it, Miss Codependant. Elsewhere, Bruce attends to his Zen Garden while Shane and Aras sneer from a distance. Aras snorts, "I love how he gets up every morning to be all disiplined and spiritual--whatever, dude." Then Bruce continues with the Shining On of America, claiming, "The whole game's gonna change when the Merge happens!" Sounds good, but there seems to be a real disconnect between what Bruce thinks is real, and what actually is. Just ask the legions of imaginary warriors he conquers on a daily basis during his KATAS!

Sally is still in Exile--and no one is sent there during the episode which I felt was a ripoff, but, whatever--we also didn't see anyone carted off on a strecther NOR did we visit the Panama Canal. That's all happening in the future--perhaps the distant future. Maybe they're trying to help us feel a part of the show by deceiving and betraying us. At La MENa, Nick gives me reason 33 why I'll never be a contestant on Survivor: "We'll have slugs for lunch and beans for dinner," he decides. *shudder* Austin is fretting about the Merge, he knows they're likely to be sitting ducks, and he doesn't know that Terry has the Idol. If he did, maybe HE could convince Terry to make a target of himself, but Terry's all about Terry. I was enamored for a while but now he just bugs the crap out of me. More on that later--and no, not in a subsequent review, but in this one. I'll never go CBS on y'all. ANyway, the guys get this lame-ass "poem" that only rhymes every other line. I know it's hard to do poems all the time, which is why I gave it up, but they're paying people to...wait...it's CBS, nevermind. The "poem" tells them to look for something that MIGHT be buried treasure, and it's not, it's a boat laden with firewood and a mystery box for them to bring with them to The Merge. The Unbeliebablely Sincere Nick is very happy about the Merge, "Meeting new people--that's what it's all about!" C'mon, Nick. Eye of the Tiger. Eye of the Tiger! Austin's enthusiasm about the Merge, "As Marvin Gaye said, Let's Get It On!" Which came off really gay since the guys were all sweaty and half-naked as he said this, and that song is about sex. Terry is ridiculously confident, since he has Immunity and has no idea how to play this game. He shrugs, "All we need to do is get either Shane and Bruce--who've already been wowed by my leadership when they were in my FIRST tribe--to flip, then we win whatever the tie-breakers is and then we've got the numbers to pick them off one by one and then I use my Super-Secret immunity to get into the Final Four and bada-bing bada-boom, I win a million dollars. I will use my Immunity Idol earlier for strategery purposes if I HAVE to, but remember, I don't actually know how to play this game, so I won't actually know when that time will be."

BUFF IN BLACK

So, everyone at Chaosa is lazing around half-dead, when suddenly, they see the boat approaching and they start to guess who's been sent home, and everyone thinks it was either Terry or Austin, because they assume they voted off their strongest member, physically, because they assume these people have a clue about the game, which they really don't. Of course, Shane is doing a whole lotta talkin' with his mouth full and of course, Courtney's wearing a feather in her hair and of course, Chaosa all starts scarfing down all the rice they have so they don't have to share with the new arrivals. Then Shane gathers everyone together and is all, "I'm so proud of all of us for sticking together, man. We are SO tight, and I'm just really glad that none of you took me seriously when I said I wanted to be a lone wolf." Aras tells us that they're gonna stick together and vote the La MENans out one by one, which is totally valid in Survivor, but fear not, people who hate Chaosa, that scenario has only occured twice in Survivor's 11 previous seasons (the original and Thailand. Aras frets that Bruce might "flip-flop" on the Psycotic Joke Alliance. Naturally, he neglects to mention that Bruce was never actually a member of the Alliance, in fact, Aras lobbied for his ouster the last time Chaosa got to vote. Then Sally returns from Exile, and Bruce chiverously strides out into the ocen to help her with her things. The new tribe then opens the not-buried treasure box which of course is filled with flag-making supplies and loads of snacks. Snarfing ensues. The new buffs are a really sharp black with orange-logo, befitting the unseasonal Halloweeny theme. Aras admits that once they got a look at the food Survivor had sent (which bore an eerie resemblance to the food-drop from the Dharma Initiative that the "Lost" castaways received the day before, in TV Time) "I kinda wanted to slap myself for eating all that rice before they got here." Wah-wah. Terry marvels, "I was a little surprised at how well we were received, but then again, I don't give other people much credit." Terry, if they treated you like crap, it would be called frontstabbing.

ISLAND LEADER PRETEND

Terry takes charge of the shelter building, much to the bemusement of SHane and Aras, who fancy themselves the real power of the island (and a pox on Dani and Courtney if they wind up being Helen and Jan to their Brian and Clay). Shane refers to their previous shelter as having been "really great", despite the fact that it was waterlogged, mud-swamped and the freakin' outhouse was a reasonable alternative to it for some. Then Shane declares that he doesn't think Terry has the Idol (based on...?) so Terry will be targetted the next time he doesn't have Immunity--which would be grand, if only to make Terry use it so that he'll stop talking about it. Terry then tries to sell Bruce on switching over to his side, but being all noble and honest, he only promises Bruce "Fianl Five," the same way Shane promised Bobby "Final Six". It's NOTHING. You're telling them you think they're expendable, you just want them to be expendable for THEM. Man, Bruce is crazy, but I'd love for him to win over these jerks. Terry tells us, "Well, we knew Bruce was gonna be an outsider because he's weird, so I immediatley told him that, and offered him a spot on MY team right away AND I gave him my word, which I'm sure was a huge honor for him." In an almost-unbelievably self-serving diary segment, Shane pretneds to be compassionate as he discusses Bruce's acceptance issues, gag me. Then he talks about how he and Aras have decided to control Bruce by convincing him he's their leader. Their idea of "convincing him" is being over-the-top ass-kissy. When Bruce tells them that Terry listens to him, Aras gets all squinty and intense, "You run the show, man, you let him Know that." You'd think he was doing a bit part on the Sopranos. Actually, he's more like "Bad Surfer Dude" on an episode of "CHiPs." "You're the senior member of the tribe," Shane yawns, without bothering to make eye-contact with Bruce at all. What's even more maddening that their arrogance is the fact that Bruce seems to be falling for it, telling us with a straightface that "I'm the swing vote in BOTH tribes--it's great to be in such a position of power--I'm in the best place of ALL." Dude, they're vying for the honor of voting you out in fifth place--maybe even sixth place. When he was drunk he seemed to get it, vowing to switch sides at the earliest opportunity, but now he seems to be unable to embrace the truth--his ego won't alow him to accept that anyone wouldn't hold him in the highest esteem.

IN YOUR FACE, BRUCE!

It's raining, of course, and Cirie and Dani are fretting about Bruce "switching sides." Again, at what point was Bruce made to feel welcome? Anyway, Nick is using the machete to cut a rope and he's cutting up instead of down, you know, pulling the blade up into the air, and it slices up faster than he anticipates and catches Bruce right in the face, shipping his tooth and giving him quite a gash on the lip. Nick is very remorseful and fears he may have written his ticket home, "I just hit Bruce in the face with a machete,---I'm outta here!" Aww, not really. I mean, you ARE going home next, but not because you maimed somebody. Terry swaggers over, "I'm a man, so I'm gonna use another sports analogy while I kiss up to Bruce--Bruce, they're gonna stictch you right up, you'll be on the Disabled List for a day and then you'll be right back in the thick of it." Shane of course has to remind us that he's an ass by admitting he was momentarily concerned about losing Bruce's vote and then Bruce gets all, "I've lothed theeth and hab by lip gathed before, bof in imagthinary combat aan in real life. Ith no big deal," as he spits blood everywhere. They really should have subtitled split-lip Bruce. He goes on to rant and rave to us, perhaps while medicated, "Ah'm gonna ouw pufform dem, ah'm gonna ouw wit dem an' in compethin, ah'm gonna beat dem all!" Trivia Question: has Bruce out anything'd anyone so far this season? Don't bother re-reading my previous missives, the answer is no. Bruce then turns his attention to the new tribe flag. The new tribe is called "Gitanos," which is Spanish for "Gypsys," which is very appropriate because the flag looks like something someone might bring to a Stevie Nicks concert. Bruce, never missing an opportunity to review his resume with us, goes on to tell us, "The tribe commissioned me, for 2 papayas and an extra spoonful of rice, to paint the tribe flag, which is right up my alley since I've been an art teacher for 34 years. I'm gonna out-paint everyone else out here!" You know no one else wanted to do it, but it is a pretty kick-ass flag. Does anyone else remember Gitanos jeans? I wore them a lot in the 80's, I'm sure they were high-waisted and pegged at the ankle.

TOP SON OF A GUN

Aras tells Austin that if Terry doesn't win Immunity, he's surely going home, which would play perfectly into the great plan we all came up with, where Terry suckers Chaosa into voting for him, he whips out the Immunity Idol, and whoever HIS teams votes for, i.e. Shane or Aras, goes home in a stunning move that throws them into further chaos and makes it easier for Terry to lure people over to his side. But remember the millipede-of-Terry-doesn't-know-how-to-play-Survivor. He may not have appeared in the episode, but he looms large in our memory. Terry still wants to keep the Immunity Idol until the Final Four, so he's bound and determined to win them over with his dazzling smile and leadership skills. He approaches Shane and smirks, "Shane, we got a solid 4-pack, and if you were to join us, and bring Cirie over with you, that'd be real super, and then you wouldn't have to worry about anything for two weeks!" Shane frowns, "Dude, I don't have to worry about anything for two weeks anyway." And I just loved how Terry not only expects Shane to join him, but do some of his work for him by flipping Cirie. He does try to pitch the same deal to Cirie, in a hilarious scene where they both stand bend-over the ocean looking very conspicuous and...silly. Cirie finds Terry's move rather hilarious, "It's like, he's offering me something...but I don't think he's in a position to offer me anything." He isn't--he's offering Cirie to be HIS fifth person instead of Shane and Aras's, and her stock seems to have risen with the boys, probably because they're sure she won't threatened them in a challenge. So what does she gain by flipping? A pissed-off jury who won't vote for her. It's clear now that the idea of baiting a trap hasn't even occured to Terry, who STILL seems to think that Chaosa should be THRILLED at the mere idea of getting to be one of his lieutenants. At the campfire he flashes his cocky grin to a flabbergasted Shane and Cirie and asks, "You in?" Shane snorts, "Dude, no. Look, Cirie and I are in a pretty good position right now--we got to the Merge with the numbers. Maybe you're gonna get someone to flip, but it ain't gonna be me, and it won't be her." Terry pretends to understand what Shane is telling us, but later, he tells us, "Shane's probably a no, Cirie's a maybe, Bruce is still in the mix, and I still got my Immunity Idol, my "Ace in the Hole" in my back pocket, so I'm sitting real pretty right now." Ugh, he's insufferable. He may be playing EXACTLY the kind of game that gets someone to the Finals, but he wants to be seen as some sort of "great leader" who cares about "his team," and that's just bullcrap. In the background, Bruce cna be seen doing his KUH-RAH-TAY!

IMMUNITY, BACK UP FOR GRABS

Aras comes to the challenge sporting a faux hawk, for some unknown reason. Does anyone else get a "gay" vibe off Aras? Not that there's anything wrong with that? The challenge is, as it usually is at this stage of the game, a test of will--who wants it the most. The Survivors must wrap themselves around some logs and hang on as long as they can, rotessire chicken style. Jeff unveils the gaudy Immunity Necklace, which is so ornate it seems to actually frighten Cirie. Jeff asks everyone how the Merge is going and Nick actually describes it as, "Two days of love, where the game was put on hold so we could all get to know one another." Two days of love--and hitting people in the face with machetes, lets not forget that. ANd Nick, I hate to break it to you, but the other tribe doesn't especially HAVE to play the game right now. Anyway, Cirie is first out, only lasting 3-4 minutes. It's a hard challenge for a heavier person, for sure. Then Aras dogs it, dropping after 11 minutes, then Bruce. Way to beat...two of them in competition, Bruce. Sally comes down, and then Shane barks at Jeff to bring hims some food to tempt him off and Jeff informs him that there isn't any coming and at that, Shane, Danielle and Courtney all give up on trying for the Immunity that none of them need. In some seasons, this is very controversial, but in this one, it feels more like a necessary message to Terry: DUDE, WE'RE NOT JOINING YOU. And as Austin asked Terry to quit so that he could win, I allowed myself to hope that maybe this was all part of an ingenious plot to infuritea Chaosa and get them gunning for Terry, Terry makes it look good, like he's really trying to win, but then he drops...but no. He stays up there and Austin drops, and after 40 minutes of agony, so does Nick. Terry wins Immunity, and is pleased as punch to be twice as safe as everyone else on his "team," because all they're there for is to take the bullets that would be coming at him. They aren't his team, they're his secret service agents.

Back at camp, Terry tries to worm his way into Bruce's heart by, once again, brown-nosing. Terry shamelessly tells Bruce, "you know what enabled me to hang on so long was my marvelling at the discipline and committment it must have took for you to achieve your level of mastery in your kurahty!" And Bruce eats it up, telling us that Terry's the bestest most honorable man ever, blah blah blah, and he--Bruce, is so fortunate to be in a position of respect and power in BOTH tribes. Oy! Austin, certain that he's dead man walking now, asks Bruce to pray with him, and the two men start praying to Jesus. Not Austin-Jesus, real Jesus. Then Shane brays at Bruce, calling him over for a Chaosa tribe meeting, so they can decide who to vote out. They hold hands in a circle as they do this, I'm...not really sure why, but it's weird so it's probably some "energy" thing suggested by either Courtney or Aras. Bruce arrives and whispers, "Thanks for including me, guys," and Shane and Aras are all, "Of course--you're our leader!" Shane then tells everyone once again how proud he is over the fact that they've stuck together and then he polls the group. Dani and Aras are both undecided, and Courtney and Cirie both feel nick is a bigger threat than Austin, since Nick outlasted Austin in the challenge. Shane nods, "Huh, for some reason, I catually thing Austin is the one to get rid of, but I'd much rather tell you "I told you so later," then assert my own opinion now, so we'll go with what YOU all decided." Just down the beach, La MENa are bent out of shape at the obvious display of "we're running this game," and Nick sneers, "It's like Kindergarten. You can't be more obvious than THAT." Sally ponders philosophically, "Would we have been that cocky?" Terry shakes his head, "Of course not, we're MEN. Except for you Sally. When we voted out Dan, we told him we were gonna do it right to his face." Sally frowns, 'You didn't tell Misty you were gona vote her out. You didn't tell Ruth Marie either---" Terry cuts her off, "Sally, that was different, we were voting out WOMEN." Aras comes over and Terry hisses, "You couldn't have come up with a NICER way to do what you just did?" Aras refuses to be guilt-tripped, "No, no, no, look, Terry. This is the situation--we're in charge, you're going down one by one, and people always like me, so clearly, I didn't do anything wrong. And when you're voting between me and Shane in the Final Two, remember he's the one that did all the yelling before." Shane is bemused by any hurt feelings he's caused, "I don't care what they think, they're still going home one by one!" You said that about Cirie, and she's still here, jackass. As the gang troops over to Tribal Council, we still had a glimmer of hope. Nick told us that La MENa was casting their votes for Shane...maybe Terry could slip the Immunity Idol to Nick or Austin...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Courtney, "So, Gitanos. Who came up with that?" Courtney beams, "It was like, kinda like, a collective decision that like, the Island Mother provided for us." Meanign Courntey came up with it and no one else gave a crap to come up with anything else. Jeff then turns to Terry, "So Terry, how does it feel to be Merged and down in the numbers 6-4--you must've been bummed when you realized you could get picked off one by one and not have any one to SUPPORT you." Terry smirks, "I was hoping for one more Immunity Challenge--see, I've never really watched the show so I didn't know that this is when the Merge happens every single year except that one time when you screwed-ver that Shii-Ann girl with the fake Merge." Jeff snaps, "We made her an All-Star and Amber gave her a frickin' car. Let it go!" Then he asks Nick how they can possibly overcome the numbers disadvantage, and Nick explains, "Well, Jeff, it's quite simple. We tried to identify the fringe players on Chaosa and exploit their weak positions within that tribe so that they'd be willing to come over to our side." Jeff sniffs, "I'm well aware of how this ganme is supposed to be played, Nick. Bruce, he's clearly talking about YOU, so why didn't you flip? You told Bobby you were gonna, in the bathroom? I got it on tape, so what gives." Bruce shrugs, "I have always felt like an ousider, looking in, and yet, I also feel like I'm greatly respected by both of these teams. Holding these two contradictory ideas in my head has caused me greta psychic pain--pain that has begun to rip my face open!" Jeff sighs, "Bruce...that was Nick, in the shelter, with a machete. Get a Clue." Bruce shrugs, 'If that is what you have to believe, Jeff, then so be it." Then Austin foolishly admits that he probably could have done better at the challenge but he didn't want to appear as strong as he really was, which doesn't go over real well. For a seemingly smart guy, Austin sure says some dumb things. Jeff calls Chaosa on their cockiness and he gets no argument from this seasons "Magic Six," who are all confident that none of them will break ranks tongiht. Aras brings up the fact that the Immunity Idol could come into play and mess with everyone's game, and Terry grins from ear to ear, his thought bubble reading: "He's talking about ME! I'M gonna use my secret Immunity Idol to get into the Final Four! Tee hee hee!" So, no reason to worry Aras, Terry doesn't know how to use the Idol as a weapon, only as a shield, so you and Shane are safe tonight and for the forceable future. La MENa sends four votes to Shane, and Nick goes down 6-4. Terry does not pass him the Idol--he was NEVER going to do anything that interesting and bold. Instead, he's now down to one secret Immunity Idol and two human shields, Sally and Austin, and that's a-okay with him. Which is fine, this is Survivor, but he's playing a Hatch-like game, and trying to dress it up like he's the very picture of nobility, and this Survivor Historian ain't buying it. In his final act of the game, Nick tosses what looks to be an extra pair of socks to a grateful Cirie--how is this guy still single, he's a doll!

Nick is ousted in 10th place, the dreaded "makes the merge, not the jury" position (as he feared). In season one this spot belonged to good ol' Gretchen, who's shocking departure revealed the reality of Survivor's very first Evil Alliance--we were so naive in Season One. In the Outback, the now-obsolete "previous votes" tiebreaker doomed mean Jeff while Africa's Clarence Black aka C.B. lost the faith of his tribe on day one when he ate the forbidden beans, but they kept him around until this point in the game. In the Marquesas, Boston Rob aka Chachi was taken out, but ala the Godfathah movies he so loved, "they keep pulling him back in." In Thailand, the season's only halfway interesting person, Shii Ann, was booted in the Merge-that-wasn't-a-merge, by her boring tribe of losers who were then kicked out one by one and you'll all have a hard time remembering any of them in the coming weeks, when I try to remind you of them. In the Amazon, cranky Roger thought having an all-male majority meant smooth-sailing, but Alex and Rob wanted to hang out with the ladies. In the Pearl Islands...sigh. Okay, Osten quit and mean Shawn were send packing to make way for losers Burton and Lill--the following week, 110% handsome Andrew went home, which sucked. For bookkeeping purposes, we call Andrew, Shawn and Osten tied for 10th place. In Vanuatu, the only thing that didn't suck about Rambo Rory being knocked out here is that he never got around to burning Ami and company's camp to the ground like he promised. Bobby Jon had to come bcak for a second season to make the jury, he fell just short his first time around in Palau, losing a fire-making contest to Steph (whom he'd ironcially TAUGHT to make fire). Last season, decent Farmer Brandon walked into the sunset.

EVICTED SURVIVORS FUNFACTS

I fogot to give you one for Dan last week--did you know that he was an astronaut!? He also builds robots in his spare time--owns a robot company, in fact, so Dan's the one to blame when they take over the Earth and whatnot. Oh, and he lists Apollo 13 as one of his favorite movies. Oh Dan, c'mon.

Nick is a flyfisherman from Wyoming, who roots for that Atlanta Braves. Hey, John, are the Braves the Official Team of Wyoming since you all don't have one? Oh, and I like Nick enough to assume that his listing of the Olsen Twins under "favorite actressess" is tongue in cheek. He uses his Exit Speech to implore his fellow 20-somethings to follow their dreams. He's a real sweetheart, and he will be missed.

Peace!

Christine :D