Survivor 12.3 "Please, actually, could nobody else sit on my thinking seat?"

TEACHER, TEACHER

Fresh from days of endless hours of kata practice and searching for the NEXT Immunity Idol, Bruce is welcomed into the dysfunctional Casaya fold. Bruce is very, how shall we say, enamored of his myriad skills. Bruce tells the group that he's taught wilderness survival for 30 years so, "You just got the most important person of everybody." This deeply offends Shane, who may not have any discernable skills, but dammit, HE'S the most important person of everybody--it's tattooed on his ass. Bruce then gives us his resume--34 years of teaching high school, 19 years teaching backpacking and 40 years teaching kuh-rah-TAY. Shane the pot refers to Bruce the kettle as being neurotic and irritating, while everyone else does seem to be enthralled by Bruce's imparting. He tells them they can make their water 90% pure without boiling it by straining it through three T-shirts first. Courtney is very suspicious of this method, even though you'd think something that odd would be right up her alley. She's taken wilderness survival and never heard of this method (I found it in my "Worst Case Scenario: Travel Handbook) and when Bruce says it will get most of the impurities out but not all, she snaps, "Yeah, it WON'T!" Maybe since she's a fire dancer, she doesn't like to see fire's place in the tribe being usurped by some smelly old t-shirts. Seriously, that's all I could think about, aren't their shirts all disgusting by now? But everyone drinks the water and no one gets sick. It seems everyone except SHane is happy to have Bruce around, and he overstates things, "My arrival was greeted with great joy and my new tribe felt I was a gift from heaven! I was last picked, and now I'm emerging as top of the tribe." I'm not sure Bruce has ever watched the show because he doesn't seem to be worried about his tribe sucking up all of his knowledge and then giving him the heave-ho when they've used him up--just ask Rupert.

TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE A SPEAR, SALLY

At La Mina, everyone's very hungry. Ruth Marie helps prepare the snail stew, which Misty refuses to eat. I can relate, which is reason 26 why I'll never go on Survivor: snail stew. Nick and Austin attempt to use what Nick calls their "medieval tools and minimal knowledge to catch some fish, and he celebrates when he catches a good-sized fish...but then it starts to puff out. "That's kinda freaky," Nick mutters. Sadly it's also kinda poisonous, so they've wasted hours of time on catching something they can't eat. Then, Captain Terry catches a small "nemo" of a fish, and everyone exalts in the few bites the catch affords each of them. It really lifts their spirts and Sally feels that if they could just catch one or two of those a day, they'd be it great shape. Hey Sally, you know what would make catching two fish a day a heck of a lot easier? A spear. I'm just saying....

REWARD AND EXILE

The tribes gather together on Reward Beach, and Jeff asks how Bruce is fitting in. Aras, Bobby and Danielle build up Bruce's place in the tribe, rhapsodizing about his skills, his attitude, and how his addition to their ranks has vastly improved their morale. For a wonder, Shane says nothing. The reward is a tarp, some lanterns and kerosene, water cans, blankets and rope. The losers will lose someone to Exile Island until the Immunity Challenge. The competition is one where four tribe members stand out on a wood platform and wait for these ball to be catapulted their way by one of the three team members who are the shooters, first person to 5 points wins, and you can jump in the water to catch the ball, but you have to catch it--you can't grab it once it's already hit the water. Anyway, it's a close contest, but Casaya loses and Jeff tells La Mina they get to choose who has to be exiled. They decide that Casaya will crumble without Bruce, so they send him BACK to Exile, which is just cold blooded, and seriously rankles the other tribe. Even Shane seems miffed as she scowls, 'These guys are playing for keeps." I'm certain he won't miss Bruce. And though I feel bad for Bruce, I think the more time he's on Exile Island, the less time he has to frustrate his team with his CONSTANT teaching.

STORMY WEATHER: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY

Everyone at La Mina is stoked about the Reward they won, especially the kerosene that will give them constant fire. They use the tarp to reinforce their already AWESOME shelter (to hear them tell it) and it's a good thing, because they are hit by a horrific storm. I guess those snails they ate must've been sacred Mayan sacrificial snails. The La Minan's aren't totally evil, and send some good thoughts to Bruce out on Exile Island. Things are so bad on Exile Island it doesn't even make for good television: Bruce spends the whole miserable time huddling for warmth--he isn't able to search for the idol or even do his kata practice.

Meanwhile, at Casaya, the meltdown La Mina predicted is brewing, although...does anyone really believe that Shane wouldn't have a freak out if Bruce were around? It's his raison d'etre. Everyone's bummed about Bruce's exile, especially Courtney, who's all, "They made that, like, evil decision and like, it's like a downer, man." So then...this is such a bizarre event, I feel the need to qualify it by saying this all REALLY happened. Some of you don't watch the show so you might think I'm exaggerating or making stuff up here but this is what REALLY happened: Shane is sitting near the shelter on a rock, and Cirie and Aras are hanging out and Courtney and Danielle are fretting about the water that's boiling on the fire. Shane starts rhapsodizing about how much he loves this rock he's sitting on, and declares, "This is Shane's Thinking Seat." Frankly, I'm surprised it took until the third episode for Shane to discuss himself in the third person. THen he says, "Please, actually, could nobody else sit on my Thinking Seat?" And everyone laughs because he HAS to be joking, right? I mean, it's a rock, and he's a grown man--oh wait, he DID tells us that he was 34 going on 12 and, as it turns out, that was an insult to 12-year-olds. "Why does it get to be yours?" Courtney asks and then Shane screams, "Because I PICKED IT! You want this one? I'll go GET ANOTHER ONE!" And in that moment, his tribe goes from looking happy to looking like cowering children afraid of their drunken dad, Shane who continues, "I want one! This ONE! I just want MINE!!" Uh...yeah. Aras tells us in his confessional, "Our problems our inherent in the personalities of our alliance," or something pretentious that sounds like he's saying something deep, when in fact, he isn't saying anything. Yeah, duh, interpersonal conflict comes from interpersons. Then he says that he's found himself in an alliance with three nutballs. That's right, Aras, mister yoga mind control, thinks Dani is crazier than he is but never mind that because the Shane drama isn't over (it'll never be over). The water continues to be poised precariously over the flames and SHane waddles over (he waddles like a duck) and Courtney, thinking he's come over to help, asks, "Shane whaddaya think?" And Shane shrugs, "I don't know, you got us here, I left it to you," and Courtney sighs, "Yeah, and I asked YOU for help." UGH! Shane is a bully and a jack-ass. Cirie is somewhat amused by the fact that Courtney and Shane got themselves into an alliance before they realized they hate each other's guts. So then Shane "takes over" with the water situation and Courtney offers an opinion about what ever it is he's about to try, "I don't think that's strong enough, do you?" So Shane storms off in a huff like the controlling baby that he is and shouts, "I don't know how I'm gonna get through this with you!" Courtney doesn't know what to do either, "Like, I'm really bummed that Shane is like, picking on me all the time." Shane insists to us that Courtney is the lunatic in the equation, "And I'm stuck with her because I swore on my kid's life to stick with her." Oh, well too bad for you that you're an aggressive moron who made too quick a decision about who to align with. Then Shane goes into the shelter and lays out in a "Christ on the Cross position--arms outstretched, feet crossed. That's exactly what happened. And where was Bobby? Nowhere to be found. Bobby and Ruth Marie never seem to be around when stuff is happening at their respective camps. I think maybe they're super heroes...

MISTY'S MACHINATIONS

Back at La Mina, Sally and Misty try to sell Austin on the idea that of sticking with them instead of Terry and Dan. Misty is concerned about the "Boy's club" she sees in power at camp, so like any liberated woman, she goes about breaking into it by giving Nick and Austin backrubs. Misty tells us, "I'm a natural flirt--some people are just born with it. I didn't come here to sit on my rump!" No sir, she came to SHAKE IT! Sally informs us that Misty has been giving massage's to everyone, but she thinks there's "something extra" in those she gives to Nick and Austin--hey now, watch it Sally. This is a family show. Sally then explains that she and Misty make a great team because Misty flirts with the boys, while Sally is their pal. Sally laughs when Misty suggests playing up the helpless-girl routine to convince Austin and Nick to "carry them" with them into the merge and meanwhile, Austin feels conflicted, because he likes both of the duos who are trying to woo him. I actually like everyone on this tribe too, they seem like good folk.

WELCOME BACK, MR. KATA

Bruce is reunited with his tribe in time to participate in the Most Brutal Immunity Challenge EVUH! Seriously! There are five rings out in the sand, and a bag is buried beneath each ring. Teams go out to dig out the bag and take it back to their finish mat. The teams have to fight over the same bag, and the only rule, basically, is no hitting and choking, but some heard core tackling and wrestling goes on. The first game is between Cirie and Danielle vs. Sally and Misty, and Sally and Misty are not so great a team when it comes to fighting women. It is quite a battle (and the guys look very pleased to watch the girl-on-girl action, as it were) but in the end, the scrum gets closer and closer to the mat at Cirie is able to reach for the mat while her other hand is on the bag. One point for Casaya. In the next round, Nick and Terry best Bobby and Bruce to tie things up. In the third round, Shane, Courtney and Aras take on Ruth Marie, Austin and Dan. Shane essentially assaults Dan, but ultimately it is Austin who bests Shane to win the bag for La Mina. In the most annoying battle, Aras, Cirie and Courtney take on Misty, Sally and Nick. At one point, Jeff has to warn Misty not to choke Aras, and then freakin' Shane starts yelling, "Aras, bring me the bag! BRING ME THE BAG ARAS!" And Aras, probably afraid that Shane will beat him with a belt if he doesn't do as he's told, uses this tickly yoga move on someone's leg and dashes back with the bag while Shane bellows, "I TOLD YOU TO BRING ME THE BAG," as if somehow that helped them win. Oh man, do I hate him. In the deciding match, it's Bobby and Danielle vs. Ruth Marie and Terry. It is a hard-fought challenge, and eventually, Ruth Marie breaks free with the bag and sprints towards home, but Bobby performs a brilliant maneuver, merely grabbing Ruth by her tank-top and pulling her towards HIS mat, so he gets the point. Very well-played. Actually, every single challenge has been hard-fought and close so far. Casaya jumps up and down, while La Mina hangs their heads in defeat.

DECISION TIME

Back at camp, Sally blames their loss on the fact that the other tribe has heftier members, and I think there's some truth in that--Lord knows Judd's size was the deciding factor in several of last season's games. Terry the leader is upset because he really wanted to bring the whole tribe in, complete, to the merge. His language makes it clear he really thinks of himself AS the leader, but I dunno, it doesn't bug me. I like Terry and Dan--I'd be in an alliance with them in a heartbeat. See, this is the problem with Vanuatu's Ami and her notion of having an all-woman alliance being some kind of ideal. If I were say, on the Pearl Islands, and Rupert was gone, I would have gone with the all girl's alliance. Because Burton and Johnny Fairplay were arrogant jerks. But here, you have Terry, Dan, Nick and Austin, who all seem like good guys. They aren't running down the women, they seem very respectful and genuinely concerned for them. In all the complaining about Sally losing the spear, we've yet to hear any jokes about "letting women fish" or what have you. Terry and Dan ask Austin who he feels should go--they're leaning toward Ruth Marie, the physically weakest member of the tribe, but Austin surprisingly suggest Misty, saying she did the worst in this last challenge. Terry sees the sense in this, "She's smart as hell, and could cause trouble." So yeah, it looks like we're gonna lose a third woman in a row, but I personally find it refreshing to see the men looking at a woman as a threat early on. We've never had an all-guy alliance EVER. The two times we've had all men tribes (Amazon and Vanuatu) the men turned against each other IMMEDIATELY after women joined the tribe. A major reason for this is men picking off each other, trying to eliminate physical threats. It's very wise to perceive Misty as an intellectual threat, and get rid of her this early on. The girls, certainly no fans of any kind of sisterhood, lobby Nick to dump Ruth Marie, because she's physically weakest, and Nick and Austin commiserate over having to turn on someone they like. They're not chuckling, they're not enjoying being "power players," they really do seem like decent guys who'd rather not hurt anyone's feelings if they didn't have to. It's refreshing.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Since everyone at La Mina likes and respects one another, it's a pretty dull Tribal Council. Terry downplays the hardship s of the game, Dan praises the "excellent companionship" of the team, and Sally admits she didn't expect to care so much for strangers so soon. When Austin bemoans the fishing situation, Jeff asks about the spear and Austin doesn't call Sally out about it, instead saying they've had and incident with it and it hasn't been much help. An interesting answer, if only because you know Jeff knows what happened to it. Misty admits she thought the tribe would be more fractionalized and is surprised that they're all one team (a political answer, to be sure, since she's WELL aware of the tribe's very civil, but very real factions). Ruth Marie says she does feel vulnerable as the only person in the tribe who joined without a partner from their initial tribes. When Jeff asks Nick how he reached his decision--whether it was his own personal choice or a group decision, he says it was definitely a group adhesion and Sally is floored when Misty goes out in a 5-2 vote. Since Misty had a chance to look for the idol, Jeff asks her if she found it, and Ruth Marie is hella relieved when Misty admits she never found it. She bids a cheerful goodbye to her tribe and in her classy exit interview, she calls her ouster a shock but she realizes she was outwitted and outplayed, she's happy she met so many great people and she hopes her tribe makes it all the way to the end. Gosh, I haven't come up with any kind of punny tribe nicknames, so I may just go with "the sane tribe" and "the crazy tribe."

Misty is evicted in 14th place, where Stacy who sued the show was booted in season one. In the Outback, dear singing Mad Dog was eliminated and in Africa, we lost Carl the dentist to the lazy friendship-necklace gang. In the Marquesas, the beautiful, manly and hardworking hunk Hunter Ellis was thrown out by his ungrateful tribe (but it did help Vecepia win the million, so it's hard to call it a strategy error...it still hurts ME though). In Thailand, we lost Jed, a lazy young dentist you probably don't remember, nor do you remember Daniel aka the last Asian contestant before Bruce. Daniel was on the guy's tribe in the Amazon, and didn't like how Roger smelled. In the Pearl Islands, we were relieved to lose Lill the Boy Scout leader/professional martyr and crybaby, though sadly, that wasn't the last we would see of her, in Vanuatu, we lost Brady the cute FBI agent, and in Palau, we lost Willard, the lawyer who told everyone he was a mailman. Last season, with Brian's help, Goldenboy Blake talked himself out of Guatemala.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

In addition to being an electrical engineer, military-brat Misty was named Miss Texas Teen USA in 1999, which I imagine is quite hard to do in Texas, since they live for, and possibly even kill for that kind of thing down there.
Tonight: For the first time ever, we've started with three female evictions, and it seems likely we'll have a fourth. The men of La Mina are apt to stick together and dump Ruth Marie if they have to, while I think Cirie is out at Casaya unless the idiots in his alliance wise up and oust unstable Shane--hey, none of them swore on THEIR son's lives...

Peace,

Christine :)

Survivor 12.2 "Yep, we're screwed."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Are you all watching the Olympics? I am:) I LOVE the Olympics, especially the figure skating. I don't care about it for four years, but once it's Olympic time, forget about it! And yes, it's kinda fixed, and the scoring leaves you saying, "Say what?" but still, I'm hooked. A rude, bitchy Russian couple won the pairs again, as usual. Did you SEE that ungrateful Russian chick ragging on the Chinese pair who gutted thru that horrific fall? I mean, she's won the freaking gold medal, and she's still all huffy, like they stole her thunder. Well, that's what happens when you phone-in your routine, you ruskie robot. Those Russians, man. They may not be scary anymore, but they're still pretty annoying. I'm rooting for Sasha Cohen in the women's and Clay Aiken Doppelganger Johnny Weir in the men's (he's bitchy too, but in a fun way). Oh, and speaking of American Idol, Red Buttons is like, the original Simon Cowell. Don't get him started about how no one can do a proper sit-spin anymore! It's like, his obsession. I don't really enjoy the ice dancing anymore, however, after Torvill and Dean were mightily rooked in 1994. I also like the skiing and the speed skating, though the short track is even more mystifying than hockey in terms of, "Wait...how was THAT a foul when THIS wasn't." Anyway, on to the review...

THE STORM BEFORE THE STORM

It's stormy, and at the Lodge, Shane's taking it personally, "This place BREEDS bad luck, man," he grouses. THe next morning, he is in a downward spiral, he misses his kid, and coaching his football team, "I make MORE than enough money--I don't have any reason to be here!" Then he curses out the sand fleas, and complains about how he misses all his gadgets and his go-go 21st Century lifestyle, then he dubs himself "ADD Psychoboy," and then he implores the heavens, "No more torrential downpours, Sir God!" No, yeah, he really said exactly that. Vain Shane is the drama king. At the Golden Girls camp, Cirie, Melinda and Ruth Marie are unable to re-start their rained-out fire, and somewhere, lumberjill Tina is having a good laugh at their expense. Meanwhile, the Spice Girls dine on some papaya they found in a tree, and Misty (whose hands and arms have been ravaged by bites or a rash, perhaps contracted at Exile Island?) gushes, "It's almost orgasmically good!" Uh, okay. Maybe the papaya board should adopt that as their slogan--I think it might sell some papaya.

NEW FACES, NEW PLACES

At the Reward Challenge, Jeff has all the Survivors stand on wood discs (those who remember season four and the Marquesas remember this is how Boston Rob got separated from his "ace in the hole," the boobacious Sarah) and look for a buff. Only Terry and Danielle have them, meaning they get to make the first picks of their new tribes. Yes, new tribes, the four tribe thing was only temporary. They each have to pick someone of the opposite sex, so Terry picks Sally, while Danielle picks "The cool guy with the cool Boston tattoo," Now, Shane's not affiliated with Boston per se, that's his son's name (yes, he named his son Boston, undoubtedly because of all the attention he gets when he tells people he named his son Boston), but whatever. The tribes wind up like this: La Mina is comprised of Terry and Dan from the Lodge, Austin and Nick from the Frat, Sally and Misty from the Spice Girls, and Ruth Marie from the Golden Girls. Caseya is made up of Danielle and Courtney from the Spice Girls, Cirie and Melinda from the Golden Girls, Bobby and Aras from the Frat and Shane from the Lodge. The young people were picked first, of course, which is annoying. And that leaves one odd-man out, Bruce, who nobody picked, and America feels awkward about the "person nobody wants" (thanks, Jeff) being one of Survivor's rare people of color. But Jeff has some good news to go with the bad, telling Bruce that he will be granted Immunity, and spend the next few days on Exile Island. Then he'll come to the next Tribal Council, and replace whomever the losing tribe votes out. Bruce is very stoked about this, and everyone politely applauds as he leaves. The it's on to the Reward Challenge, where the winner will get all sorts of cool fishing gear and a raft. The teams have to race thru an obstacle course, untying and finding and collecting six wooden snakes along the way. The wooden snakes are long, twisty and AWESOME. I totally want one. Anyway, both teams perform well, and no one appears to be the weak link, but La Mina wins.Jeff tells Caseya, "I don't even think you were out-hustled, you just lost." The winners are sent to the older men's camp, while the losers head to the older women's camp. I'm sure this is a great relief to the younger men, who would be mortified if the others saw their sorry-ass shelter. And did the younger women even ever build one?? That's a mystery, we certainly never saw it, and it's possible they just roamed the island for days looking for the perfect spot to build...

ATTACK OF THE FLAKES

At Caseya, Shane rags on his old camp and his old tribe, "These dudes were all, "we're fifty and we're gonna show you how to survive!" And I'm like, older guys? Are you kidding me, I'm 34 going on 12, I'm ADD psychoboy, I'm a smoker, me me me me me!" It's interesting that Shane is 34 because so am I and I feel both much older AND much younger than he is. I think it's because Shane comes off like somebody's dad who's trying way to hard to be considered "cool" by his kid's friends. Shane is thrilled to be amongst younger people, gushing, "I haven't thought about going home ONCE since I got here." Oh, don't worry, Shane's kid, I'm sure he didn't mean that the way it sounds. Everyone is impressed with the Golden Girls shelter, and neither Cirie nor Melinda bothers to point out that it was designed and primarily built by the woman they got rid of. Cirie complains to us that the tribe has been invaded, and that she and Melinda don't fit in with their new tribe, as Courtney chants, "Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!" while the guys make fire and then gushes about how, like, awesome the new, like tribe is and like, the purple buff are, because purple is like, awesome. I hate to say it, but really, it's a bunch of flaky Californians. Southern Californians, not Northern Californians to be sure ;) Aras went to UC Irvine, so I'm assuming he's from the OC, because...he went to UC Irvine. Shane is from Nebraska but has lived in LA his entire adult life. Let me rephrase that, he's lived in LA since he was 18. Courtney is from D.C. but resides in LA, and is into the Hollywood club scene (she tells Bobby, an African American from South Central LA that she's "gangsta Hollywood" and America cringes). Melinda tells us that if they lose the next Immunity challenge, she and Cirie are screwed, then she laughs, "Yep, we're screwed." And she's right, because Shane has told Aras, Danielle and Courtney that they are the Final Four, "And can we NOT make it dramatic and cheat on each other? We're Final Four, DONE, no more discussion." Oh yeah, Shane, gee, why hasn't anyone else ever thought of that, just DECIDE to stick together and do it, radical concept. And I'm sorry, did Shane just imply that he has a problem with drama? Puhleeze. Shane is quite pleased with his leadership, "I told everyone the plan, man, I was locked in, dude, I'm Shane and I'm awesome and fascinating! You can tell because I have like, words written all over me, and I named my kid Boston, and when I decided to quit smoking, I made sure it was on national television!" It's been awhile since I hated someone THIS bad, THIS soon. I'm thinking...Jonny Fairplay? Then Shane does a Twila-Lex combo by swearing on his son's life that he won't betray his Final Four and promises to hunt down and kill anyone who betrays him. He's like crazy Survivor gumbo.

LESS EXCITING GOINGS ON ELSEWHERE

At La Mina, Dan is thrilled to remain in a tribe with fellow military-type, Terry. Misty and Sally are thrilled to be a tribe with someone who knows how to make a fire. Terry reaches out to Austin and Nick, telling them that he and Dan want the four men to be a Final Four clique and get rid of the girls. Later, Sally tells Austin that she and Misty want Nick and Austin to be in a final four clique with THEM. Austin is torn and doesn't know what they should do. Not even the cameras care about Ruth Marie, who barely makes a cameo in the episode after the switcheroo. It should be noted that no all-male alliance has ever succeeded--in fact, its never really been attempted. Bossy Roger in the Amazon thought his all-guy tribe was gonna do it in the Amazon, but the young guys through him over for hot babes the first chance they could get. It'll be interesting to see how it shakes out.

On Exile Island, Bruce gets another clue to the whereabouts of the Idol, including a map with a huge swath of red across it, showing where the idol is NOT. Hopefully, it wasn't drawn by Judd. It also says it's above the shoreline, and we see Misty's clue written out, that thing Jeff said to her, "Why" did fate leave you behind? The "why" is in quotes, which makes my think maybe...it's in a "Y" shaped tree, or something? Maybe? Anyway, Bruce tries to make fire and breaks the flint, and mutters, "I hope people realize how hard this is." Yes Bruce, we do, that's why we're all sitting on the couch, turning up our thermostats and eating our Cheeze-Its. Then he does some martial arts training to reinforce all those stereotypes America has about Asians. I'm sure in future episodes he'll do some complicated math, drive poorly, and then commit ritual suicide after failing at a challenge. That's the one-step back part of the episode--in the two steps forward department, CBS has cast TWO, count them, TWO black contestants who can swim! Oh happy day. At night, Bruce has to huddle in the dark with no fire, and laments how miserable it is, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy," he shivers. I immediately started wishing it on Shane.

INSERT DUMB BLONDE JOKE HERE

So, Sally and Nick are gonna go out fishing, and Sally mentions that she thinks the spear will be fun! "Just remember to hold on to it," Terry, the male chauvinist pig reminds her. I mean, really, what, just because she's a GIRL, she's automatically gonna lose the spear!? What a...oh, crap. Sally loses the spear. She says, "I just don't want to lose it," to Nick, and boom, she shoots it out into oblivion. Nick is very understanding and insists she shouldn't beat herself up about it. Nick seems like a nice enough guy, and he's hunky and cute and all...but in a very bland way. Sally tells Dan and Terry that she lost the spear and they try so hard not freak out and yell at her, they both implode. In the Pearl Islands, who lost the spear? Shawn or Burton, I wanna say. I could look it up on my own blog but I'm too lazy. Anyway, Rupert was able to find it...

IMMUNITY

THe tribes gather at the beach, and Misty answers Jeff's stock, "How are you managing" question with a stock, "We're staying positive" answer, and this offends Shane, who mortifies his own tribe and bemuses the other with a full-on rant, "I won't lie, Jeff, we're in a DIRE situation--we could LITERALLY all DIE out here, Jeff, and I'm not gonna stand here and do that whole, "Let's pretend we're doing great to demoralize the other team, well SCREW THAT, man. I'm Shane! I speak the truth, man, I'm sorry if that's too REAL for you guys, but we're not in a good way--physically, we are WRECKED!" Courtney frowns as if to say, "Like, we are?" Jeff is all, "Uh...okay. Let me tell you about the challenge." Five people have to bail out a boat while two people dive in the water and drag the ships anchor to shore, thus dragging the boat in. On the shore is a kind of "burning man" zombie figure made of sticks, and each team has a zombie head *cue the Cranberries* and they have to stick it on the figure. Like the wooden snakes of the reward challenge, it is delightfully random. Terry and Nick start in the water, but Austin has to sub in for Nick. Shane goes in for Bobby on the other team, and Jeff stone-cold disses him, "Shane made NO progress, La Mina is in the lead only because Caseya is completely inept!" I think Jeff hates Shane. But Jeff, cut them some slack, they're physically WRECKED. Dippy Courtney jumps in the water, subbing for Shane or...Aras? I don't know, but Courtney actually does really well, muscling the anchor across the sea floor, and keeping them in the game. Still, it's not enough. La Mina gets the zombie head on its zombie body and spear-loosing Sally is saved from eviction. Or at least Austin and Nick are saved from having to choose a side.

CALIFORNIA SCHEMING

The losers return to camp, which will soon begin to resemble a junior high school, and Shane is not surprisingly having a freak-out. "I don't like to lose, I'm beat, I wanna cigarette, I wanna coffee, I wanna big sandwich, I wanna call my kid and tell him how HARD it has been for me out here. And it's way harder for me because I used to SMOKE, man! And I'm so competitive that losing is an unimaginable burden that only I can truly understand!" So he goes to his tribe and tells them to vote him out, and Dani, Courtney and Aras are upset and beg him to reconsider. Bobby, Cirie and Melinda, not so much. As Cirie says, "If he wants to quit, let him quit!" She knows she has a good shot of going home otherwise. But then Aras does some sort of freaky hypnosis on Shane. He calls him over and tells him, "You'll feel better once you eat something," and Shane starts to walk away but then Aras literally commands him to stop, and Shane does, and Aras says, "You know that thought was in your head." And then Aras calls a tribe meeting (Bobby's not around for it) and tells everyone that SHane wants to stay and just like that, Shane is suddenly agreeing with Aras, he DOES want to stay, he WILL feel better once he's has food and water! I imagine that's true of the six people on the tribe who HAVEN'T thrown a fit and attempted to quit, but it is after all, all about Shane. Aras then declares that it is now time to be open and honest about who's gonna get voted out, "For me, I want the tribe to be as physically strong as possible, so that means either you, Melinda, or you, Cirie--nothing personal, I just think you're fat and old. Please don't hate me, nobody hates me because I'm so handsome and athletic. Plus, I have POWERS." Courtney gets emotional and upset--she clearly hates the conflict (bad vibes, man) but she's also bend that Aras would make the decision to do this without consulting anyone else--she clearly doesn't realize how royalty WORKS. Neither Melinda nor Cirie know what to say, they knew they were probably doomed, but Prince Aras is being so arrogant here, I think they're in shock. See, this is why you blindside someone. Aras is patting himself on the back for being above board and oh so honest, but what he's really being is arrogant and hurtful. See, in Survivor, being backstabbed is a sign of respect--it implies you're dangerous, even if you're not. Being upfront about it is actually telling someone to their face that they mean nothing, have no value, and have no power.

Oh, and may I add that it is WAY too early in this game to be showing all your cards? I mean, they've already switched up 6 days in, and they don't know if another tribe mix-up is coming but I'd vote on yes, because Jeff keeps going on and on about how this SUrvivor is all ABOUT not being able to rely on same-old same-old tribe dynamics because of Exile Island--and yeah, Exile Island could come into play too. By doing this, Aras is just creating enemies--remember Africa? No T-Bird and Frank had no chance of winning, but they were given the chance to get Silas out of the game, and it was LIKE winning. Aras and Shane have no way of knowing that a chance like isn't coming for them and in fact, they SHOULD be anticipating it. Oh yeah, Shane get in on it too, HE'S actually miffed that Aras is pretending that it's only HIS choice to get rid of either Melinda or Cirie, so Shane chimes in to be "honest" and informs the outsiders that he, Aras, Danielle and Courtney are a foursome, "Obviously an arangement has been made, and I don't really care which one of you goes but whoever doesn't go now is going next." Says the QUITTER. Courtney and Danielle are now exposed and unhappy about that, "You don't, like, tell everyone what's, like, going on!" Courtney wisely insists, then not so wisely, she continues, "If this instability, like, continues, it's hard to, like, believe that we'll really like, be able to, like, depend on him." Um, yeah, DUH! It's like that scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" where C-3PO tells Han Solo that the astroid they've landed on may not be completely stable and Han Solo is all, "Um, yeah, DUH!" The group prepares to go to Tribal Council and Cirie and Melinda both think it's gonna be them. Danielle comes by and tearfully hugs both of them, "I feel awful about this!" I hope she eventually wises up and walks away from the dark side, but for now, my jury on Danielle is out. Melinda doesn't think there's much she could've done, because she simply wasn't New Age Nutbar enough (read: LA enough) to fit in with these jokers. Shane insists that there's still a chance that his wrecked brain may betray him--oh, just shut up, Shane!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Bruce is led in, looking no worse for wear and not seeming to suffer from the Misty-affliction. Shane tries to wink at him, but he's one of those people who can't do it, so he just blinks at him--maybe he thinks he's Genie and he's trying to turn Bruce into the big sandwich he so desperately needs. And I gotta say, Jeff REALLY lets me down with Shane, he doesn't grill him, he doesn't rake him over the coals for being a quitter and a jerk, nor does he try to intice him into quitting with a carton of cigarettes. He doesn't even point out how arrogant it is for Aras and Shane to be so open about their chain of command, but I'm hoping that's becasue Jeff knows what's ahead and wants them blindsided. Anyway, Shane insists that the last 6 days he's spent on one of the biggest shows in television history has ben, "THe worst thing that has EVER happened to me." Yeah, I know, most of us would have said it was the death of a friend or family member, or maybe a bankrupcy or an assault, but for Shane, it's 6 days of televised seperation from Quiznos and his ipod and his blackberry and his nicotine and his laptop and his tivo. Oh, and his kid. Then he goes on about how he smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years and this was a bad-idea detox, me me me, Shane Shane Shane. Melinda points out that neither she nor Cirie have been weak links during challenges and that she thinks its unfair and dumb to get rid of someone like her who works hard instead of someone who wants to quit. Cirie then frets that her family will be disappointed in her, and cries--I think she was working it a little, and it works. She and Melinda both vote for Shane, but Melinda gets 5 votes from the Danille and the Evil Californians. Melinda tells Cirie to take care and in her exit speech, is fine with the fact that she wasn't flaky enough to fit in. Bruce is wlecomed to the tribe and everyone's all smiles, though it's hard to imagine why since he's just been added to the minority population on Caseya Island--hey isn't that interesting? Now that Melinda's gone, it's the white people versus the rest. I'm sure it's a TOTAL coincidence...

Melinda finishes in 15th place and is maybe the most interesting person to do so. In season One, the guy begging to be voted out was crusty old B.B., but he got his wish. In AUstralia, smug Kel was accused by Jerri of smuggling beef jerky and in Africa, Jessie was supposed to be Survivor's J-Lo, but her constant vomiting was more like J-Blo. In the Marquesas, Patricia insisted on being called "mom," and her bossiness caused the kiddies to give her the heave-ho while in Thailand, another pretty puker was cast aside when Tanya went home. In the Amazon, Janet took the fall for the power bar wrapper that was found in camp and in the Pearl Islands, Skinny Ryan was dispatched for being too skinny. Really, I think that's why. In Vanuatu, mouthy Mia was blindsided and put out of our misery, in Palau, we lost bland schemer Kim (faker Jeff's psuedo girlfriend? I know, you don't remember her, that's why I'm here) and last season, farm girl Brooke was booted for being perceived as brainy and dangerous. Hey, if you've gotta get voted out, at least it's a flattering one...

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Melinda loves American Idol, which is interesting because she has worked as a singer at several amusemnet parks and on a cruise ship, which Simon is always bagging on. While sining at Dollywood, Melinda performed with the legendary Dolly Parton herself, which RULES.

Next Time: Is it too much to ask that Shane's tribe mates will cancel the "Shane Show" this early? Probably, meaning Cirie (or Bruce, but I think the situation with Cirie is more awkward) is a dead duck. On the other tribe, I'm gonna guess that the young dudes follow their hormones and evict Dan, despite Sally's losing the spear. Though where's Ruth Marie in all this? Is she a potential swing vote, or is she non-aligned, and thus an easy vote-out for everyone else? Tell you what, the Golden Girls are having a rough time of it...

Peace! :D

Christine

Survivor 12.1 "I'm currently in Panamanian hell."

It's back! And it looks like a good one, so let's dive right in. The show opens with Jeff reminding us about Exile Island, where at least one person will be sent every week (of the show, meaning every few days for the survivors) to fend for themselves. The concept being, remember how in Palau we sent Janu out all by herself? Well, wouldn't it be cool to send someone more interesting? And he's wearing the electric blue shirt, mmmm, Jeff in blue. 16 people! 39 days! One Survivor! Yet another season set in Panama! Which is fine by me, this show is more about the people then the locale, and as long as they keep casting well and coming up with new "hooks", we can stay in Central America every year, what do I care?

NEW SURVIVOR ORIENTATION

The first thing Jeff does is make sure the Survivors realize that they've been broken up into four tribes of four, and divided into the following groups: older men, younger men, younger women, younger men. Cirie, a YOUNG black nurse, is surprised to find herself in the older women's group, but that's how the cookie crumbled. They don't cast enough people over 40 for there to be FOUR women older than 32, so there you go, Melinda and Cirie are OLDER than the four girls in the other tribe. Bobby, a hunky black younger dude who's IN the younger group dubs the older women the Golden Girls and the younger women the Spice Girls--I love it when the contestants do my job for me :) Since he didn't nickname the guys, we'll call them the Frat and the Lodge. Austin, a writer who's cute in a very "Not Christine's type" kind of way laments being put on an all-dude's team when his forte is flirting with the ladies (I'd roll my eyes at this, but it was clear that some of the Spice Girls were digging him). So anyway, Jeff launches into the explanation about Exile Island, and about how whoever gets sent here will be out of the loop in terms of his or hers tribe's politics, and that could be a huge disadvantage.

QUEST FOR FIRE

Jeff then announces the tribe's have to compete in their first Reward Challenge now, and it's for flint so they can start their fire. Also, the losing tribe will have to choose one of their members to be the first to be banished to Exile Island. The contest is simple--each tribe chooses one of their members to race into the jungle to find a stack of skulls. Inside three of the skulls are amulets, so they have to smash the skulls until they find the right one, then they race back to the beach. the first three people back win reward and stay intact. I liked this a lot because the teams barely have a chance to exchange names before someone has to stand up and say, "I'm pretty fast, put this on my shoulders." The four that step forward are Austin from the Frat, Terry, a handsome (in a square kinda way) ex-fighter pilot from the Lodge, Ruth-Marie, a rather proper Southern woman from the Golden Girls and Danielle, a pretty tomboy with a thick Boston accent. We can't seem to escape Boston on this show. Terry comes back first, then Austin. Tina, the lumberjill (yes, that's right) kinds annoyed me right off the bat because she started to fret that Ruth-Marie was the wrong person to send because "she's not a pounder, she's not a smasher," and I was like, chill, she's a good runner, stop doubting her! So I was glad when Ruth Marie came in third place, with Danielle bringing up the rear. Danielle offers to stay behind in exile since she lost the challenge, but the other girls won't her of it, since she's so exhausted from the challenge. They decide to roshambo for the dishonor (aka rock-paper-scissors) and Misty the missile engineer (nope, not making that one up either) winds up stuck on the little island with the giant man-made skull. At least...I hope it's man made *ominous music playing*. Then Jeff lays down one more major twist that rocked my like a hurricane: there's an immunity idol hidden somewhere on Skull Island! Once found, the owner can keep it a secret, or tell anyone they wish. They can use it at any time up until the Final Four. The coolest thing of all is the change from last season: this time, you reveal you have it AFTER THE VOTE!! Meaning, you get voted out and then you say, "Uh Jeff, I have Immunity!" Which makes the votes for you invalid and do they re-vote. Oh no, the person who gets voted out is the person with the next-most number of votes! Think about that! That could be a person with one vote--the vote cast by the doomed person, most likely. Like last season, Gary was doomed to week he found the idol, so when he revealed it, the power click targeted Bobby Jon. But had he been able to wait to reveal his immunity until AFTER he was voted out, damn, that week Danni and Bobby Jon's votes for Steph would have given her the boot (Gary voted for Cindy). Since the person who needs to use the idol is likely to be at the wrong end of a numbers game, it's possible that the person who winds up going in their place would only have one vote against them. This is so cool, because ever since they took away the "prior votes break a tie" thing, the stray votes have seemed unimportant, and this makes every decision a potentially important one! Eek! I'm geeking out here, people. This isn't all that exciting to forlorn Misty who watches the others climb into their boats and leave for their respective camps. Jeff tells Misty she has a machete, a bucket with some water she can't really use since she doesn't have fire to boil it and plenty of time to wonder why fate chose her to be left there. Then he claims to have just told her a clues as to the whereabouts of the Idol. America asks, "Say what?" Misty thinks he said she had to wonder why fate left her "behind," so maybe the idol is behind where they were all standing, but I didn't hear him say "behind" but maybe he meant "left" as in...to the left? I dunno. As the Spice Girls speed away from her, Courtney laughs, "She SO didn't wanna stay there." Uh, neither did you, chica.

BREAKING-IN

The Golden Girls get to their beach--their tribe color is purple, and their tribe seems to be named "Casaya." All the tribe names are names of different islands in Panama's Pearl Islands, but I'm not sure if that means each tribe is on their own island--other Pearl Islands include Mogo Mogo, Saboga, and Chapera, which were names of tribes in Survivor: All Stars, and I think they were all on the same island. Anyway, the Golden Girls arrive and immediately say a prayer of thanksgiving and ask God to look out for all the tribes, but maybe send an extra something-something their way, since they're the "older women." It's interesting how religion is so matter-of-fact and not a big deal in reality television. Faith exists so naturally in the lives of the contestants, on shows like Survivor, and Amazing Race, the way it never does on network TV (religion always has to be so high concept, the girl who talks to God, the drug-addicted minister, etc.) But on Survivor, characters are always praying, wrestling with their concepts of morality, and just plain talking about faith. Last year we had Brian who felt he couldn't say he didn't believe in God because his tribe was so spiritual--which was unfortunate, but fascinating and real. We've had Bible-thumpers and casual "is it fashion or is it faith" cross-wearers, we've had Mormons, Jews, Catholics--in Palau we had a quiet Muslim from Alabama, Ibrehim, and it was no big deal (well, except to James who should be Jim Bob). On Big Brother this summer, an Arab-American Muslim named Kaysar became a cult hero and a sex-symbol. I dig that. See, a scripted show would have to have all sorts of confrontation or whatnot to JUSTIFY having a character with real religious beliefs on the show, otherwise what's the point? And yeah, sometimes there IS conflict and weirdness associated with Survivors and their beliefs (like Vecepia claiming God was blessing her lies, oy!) But in our real lives, in addition to maybe our own beliefs, we work with people and interact with people who are doing this thing with their church this weekend, whose kids are doing this ceremony, who are observing this fast day, etc. I'm rambling, I know, I just think religious diversity is not nearly as scary as Network Execs probably think it is. I'd love to watch a show about people whose faith is a part of their everyday lives, even if it wasn't MY faith, but religious characters on TV are almost always lapsed, so they can have these moving epiphanies at certain holiday episodes, and then not be encumbered with any of it the rest of the season. Uh, okay...where was I? Ah yes, the Golden Girls...

Cirie gets nervous as soon as she sees the machete, fretting that the machete means they have to "clear the area" and once you clear the area, the things that used to live underneath the stuff you cleared are gonna come out, and she's not good with "things that used to live under leaves." Word, Cirie. Tina the lumberjill quickly takes charge of the tribe, starting a fire in no time (while singing "Disco Inferno," no less) and directing the building of the shelter. Ruth_Marie is more than happy to let Tina take the leadership role, "Tina has the MOST interesting background," Ruth Marie drawls, with her "nicest gal at the Country Club" vibe. When Cirie whines that she's afraid of leaves and what might be under them, Tina is bemused, "Did anyone tell her what show she was going on?" Heh.

Elsewhere, at Camp Viveros, the Frat Boys are decked in their green buffs and instead of doing anything useful, their playing some kind of mock-baseball because they're guys and I guess they have to prove they can hit a seashell with a stick in order to be mas macho enough to join the pack. I don't know. CBS again protects us from seeing even a hint of Austin's butt-crack. Then young Aras ropes Austin and Nick into this weird "energy" voo-doo deal where they al have their hands above each others hands and Aras keeps asking them if they "feel" anything happening, which they do not. Bobby watches from afar--Bobby don't play that. Nick isn't impressed with Aras, whom he finds "grandiose." The boys can't build fire so they cant boil water, and their shelter--can really even say they "built" it? They leaned some sticks against a tree. Austin laughs, "We don't have a clue what we are doing," and Nick jokes, "We don't want to peak on the first night." Oh, boys. AGGGGHHH!!! The Diving Pelican of DEATH has returned!!! But no one dies....yet.

The Spice Girls of "Bayoneta," clad in their blue buffs, aren't having much luck either on that whole, "get something accomplished" front. granted, they lost the challenge so they can't attempt to build a fire--although there was a time that CBS didn't hand OUT flint and people managed to rub sticks together and make fire, but, you don't have to spend much time with these three girls to know...yeah, that ain't gonna happen. Not that they're dumb, per se, just young and unfocused. They wander all over their beach, looking at every nook and cranny as a potential place to build a shelter as if they were browsing apartment listings on Craig's List. No one wants to make a decision though, so they just keep wandering. Courtney shrugs, "We were being women," but let's just remember for the record that the older women got their shelter set up FAST. Granted, they have a flipping lumberjill on their tribe but still. Sally the social-worker who wears her hair in Britneyesque braids is frustrated by their lack of progress. Then the trio stumbles upon a dead sea-turtle that had washed onto the beach. Courtney tries to convince the other girls that this is both weird and tragic, because, you see, turtles represent "mother" and "goddess" in Native American culture, so it's pretty odd that is would wash up on a beach where three girls are living on. Courtney sincerely insists, "It just seemed really significant," and draws a heart around the carcass while explaining that North America is called "Turtle Island" in some culture, while Danielle and Sally try to keep a straight face and dissuade her from wasting her energy by rolling the dead animal into the ocean for a proper burial. See? Speaking of spiritual diversity, here's a New Age nutbar. They don't mind the term New Age, right?

At "La Misa," the orange-buffed older men of the Lodge are in full-on, Bob Vila, Robert Bly, Tim Allen-mode, the fire is build, the shelter is coming along nicely and their having fun doing it, because it's like being in the Boy Scouts, or at least a beer commercial. Terry quickly forms an alliance with Dan, who confesses that he's not just a former NASA staffer, but an actual astronaut. Terry reveals in turn that he's not just an American Airlines pilot, but an ex-fighter jockey who used to fly F-14's. The military-types vow never to lie to one another. Bruce, the latest of Survivor's extremely rare Asian contestants, starts chopping wood with the machete while making dramatic martial-arts cries, and then he explains that he's doing a Samurai cut. And that's not me making a really clumsy, really bad racial-stereotype joke, that's just...Bruce. He's also very bossy, which seems unnecessary in the motivated tribe, I don't think he's long for this game if he doesn't tone it down. Especially chaffing at all of Bruce's order-giving is Shane, the one guy in the Lodge who's not especially having any fun. See, he came hear to quit smoking, and after having smoked three packs a day for 20 years...yeah, he's not feeling so good, and he's irritable and Bruce is yelling at him. Shane has words and phrases tattooed all over his body, and I haven't made any of them out. If you do, send them to me, I like to be informed. Of course, he's not NEARLY as cool as Lex, because he doesn't have an 8-ball with a knife through it, now THAT'S bad ass. Bruce smashes a coconut John-Belushi style, while Shane holds his head in pain. Oh Survivor, I've missed you so.

FIRST IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The tribes are reunited on the Immunity Beach, and along comes exile Misty, who slept in the giant skull last night and ate worms for breakfast (giving her instant "awesome" status in my book when she shrugged and muttered, "not bad"). She had already told the viewers of her plan to pretend she found the Immunity Idol so when Jeff asks her how it went on the island shes says that being on the Island had it's advantages and Jeff says, "So you spend some time looking for the Idol," and she smiles, "Enough," which causes a flurry of raised eyebrows. Jeff unveils the Immunity Idol, which is a trio of shrunken heads on a pike--lovely! Each winning tribe will get one of the heads to symbolize Immunity. In this contest, the Survivors will swim out to this platform, climb this wood wall, jump into the ocean, swim to a boat. One person dives to unhook the boat, they paddle in and run to shore. When they reach the shore, they have to release this metal ring from a rope puzzle--its a brain teaser, and the map to solve it is buried in the sand, if you want to spend time digging for it. Then you fling the ring to catch a hook, pull on it, and release your tribe flag. Honestly, the jump off the wall was pretty harrowing, with people sort of flopping off and coming dangerously close to hitting the thing. Both the Golden Girls' Tina and one of the Frat boys struggle to release the boat. Tina eventually gets it, but either nick or Aras has to tag out and let either Aras or Nick dive down and release the boat. i think it was Nick who failed and Aras who bailed him out, but I'm not a hundred percent. The Lodge struggles with the paddle in, and the Frat is so far behind it looks hopeless for them, but the golden Girls get hung up on the brain teaser (Melinda feels it's helpful to spy on the other teams instead of either digging or working the puzzle, and it's not). The Spice girls go from worst to first and are followed by the Lodge, and then the Frat pulls ahead (Nick and Aras are both bleeding, so they earned it), leaving the Golden Girls to vote some one out. Jeff hands out the shrunken heads and Shane actually kisses the one the Lodge gets--man, I hope this is just something the CBS prop department came up. Jeff gives the actual pike to the Spice Girls since they finished first and adds, "Maybe it has a little extra spiritual power." And you just KNOW Courtney thinks that's true.

THE BUFF CONSPIRACY

Why four tribes you ask? I had reservations, but it actually allowed me to get to know everyone a little better, because of the small group interaction. When it's two tribes of nine, like we've had the last few years, it takes a while, sometimes the whole series, to figure out who some people are. Anyway, I read in TV Guide last season about how the Survivor buffs are this HUGE deal to some people, they collect them, they send CBS pictures with them being used for all sorts of wacky purposes--I just had no idea. So I'm putting forth the "buff conspiracy," that they had four tribes so they could have four buffs. Oh sure, laugh. That's what they WANT you to do!

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND...NOW GET OUT

The Golden Girls must now decide who should go home, and Cirie knows she's no camping All-Star, but she doesn't want to be the first to go home. And you know what, neither CBS nor America is really crazy about the idea of a black woman being the first person booted off the show, two days into Black History Month. Honesty, Melinda seems to be just as weak as Cirie is, and less fun, but that doesn't come up, perhaps because Ruth-Marie and Melinda have some sort of Southern gal alliance already? Anyhoo, Tina gives Cirie a window of opportunity when she goes off to sit by herself with no explanation, causing the other three girls to start tossing around words like, "weird" and "odd." They are unaware that Tina is actually grieving the recent death of her only child, her son Charlie, who was killed in car accident at the age of 16 just four months ago. Tina was actually slated to go on Survivor : Guatemala and had to drop out. She chooses not to tell the other women this, however, which is understandable to us, but maybe not the best move in terms of Tribal politics, because all the others are seeing is somebody who doesn't want to belong to the group. Cirie is pretty much openly gunning for her, playing the "We could never beat her in an individual challenge" card about, oh 20 days too soon? I mean, at this stage, you don't eject strong players, it's ridiculous. Then Tina finds a huge fish flopping in the rocks and brings it in for the other girls to eat (Tina wisely exaggerates that she caught the thing with her bare hands) and Cirie volunteers to skin the fish to prove her worth to the tribe, but as Melinda says, "There's about a kajillion reasons to keep Tina and Cirie is the weak link." Hmm...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Tribal Council is in a cave this year, with stalagmites and everything--it "rocks," heh. Fire still represents life, no big shake-up there. When Jeff asks the girls how tough it's been, Melinda drawls honestly, "I'm currently in Panamanian hell." Cirie admits that this is the first time she's ever slept outdoors, which again causes much head-shaking from Tina but you know, city slickers have just as much right to try their luck at Survivor as the really good campers do--it's the politics that are important anyway. Judd did pretty well for his first camping trip last year, finishing in 6th place. Cirie then says, "For the people who are like me, on the couch--stay on the couch." To me, it was practically like Cirie broke the fourth wall and was speaking directly to ME. To all those of you who are always, "Christine, why don't YOU go on Survivor, you love it so much, I offer Cirie as my exhibit A, because that'd be me, the girl who's afraid of millipedes, afraid of leaves and refusing to eat the mussels even though she's starving and everyone going, "Why did she even COME here?" And you all would be embarrassed to admit I was your friend and/or relative, "You know that girl who cried and complained the whole first three days and was voted out first this year? I uh...sort of...uh...she's like a friend of a friend. Sort of." I have camped and I liked it but there was a tent and a bathroom with showers and a general store up the road so I could buy a soda. Don't hate me because I'm wimpy...Anyway, Cirie insists despite her limitations, she wants to do more, while Tina is confident about her ability to thrive out here. Ruth Marie praises Tina's early leadership of the tribe, while Cirie tries to downplay it, insisting that had Tina not been here, they would have eventually been able to make fire, build shelter and whatnot. Even Jeff scoffs a bit at that, then asks Tina if she feels like everyone is pulling their own weight, and instead of just targeting Cirie, Tina throws all three women under the bus, saying, "Not as much as I would like, I have a huge work ethic, and it feels like I'm always having to suggest that we get more wood or water in order to motivate them." This does NOT go over well, Melinda huffs, "Uh, it's not like Tina's out there doing all the work and we're taking naps." Tina goes down 3-1. She may have been awesome at the survival stuff, but she broke the biggest commandment of girl group politics: Thou Shalt Not Stand Out. Even if she WAS better than them at everything, well, she shouldn't have made it obvious. Jeff, being a guy, doesn't get it and scolds the ladies for booting the one person that knew what she was doing out here. Hey Jeff, the hardest work's already been done, right?

Tina finishes in last place, which is in ironic counterpoint to the last person named Tina who played Survivor, Tina Wesson, who won it all. That's ironic, right? Well almost, at least. This is also the first time since the Pearl Islands (season 7!) that last place has meant 16th place. Tina joins other sweet 16ers Sonya, who played a mean ukulele, socially inept Deb the prison guard, who didn't bond with her team, and crazy Diane the mail lady who ate those forbidden beans with Clarence, and tried to blame the whole thing on him even though it was her idea. In the Marquesas, Weird Peter claimed to have control of all of his bodily "holes," but shoulda kept his pie-one shut. In Thailand, preacher man John learned that being bossy can be a one way ticket to Survivor "Who?" status while in the Amazon, Ryan's strategy to be a ladies man hit a fatal snag when he was placed on a team of all guys, whoops. In the Pearl Islands, Nicole played too hard and plotted against Tijuana, who already had an alliance going, whoops. In Vanuatu, the older guys got rid of John P, who even I, the ultimate SUrvivor nerd, barely remembers. In Palau, Jeff "hurt his ankle" and asked to be voted out because he was a total wimp and a faker and last season in Guatemala, Brianna couldn't manage to click with Lydia, was neither crazy nor pretty enough to earn Jamie's favor and didn't even know what a "pick" was in basketball. I'm sure that all still keeps her up at night.EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Would you have pegged Tina as an India.arie fan? Me neither, but she is.

Next week: A major shake-up already? Go Survivor Exile Island! And Shane the detox-ing smoker flips out! Does that mean he's going next? Nah, my vote is for the crazy turtle-goddess chick, Courtney or Bossy Bruce. Isn't it nice to get these before the next show airs? Hey, I'm trying...

Peace, Out! :D

Christine

Survivor 11.14 Finale "It's a really mean game, you know?"

SURVIVOR STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who need the closure, you may read on...

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SACRIFICE A CHICKEN?

Well, the finale always begins with a hella long recap (seriously, it was 15 minutes long), which I assume is to help stretch the Survivor Finale into a 3 hour event. And maybe to catch-up those poor people who have never watched Survivor before who've been dragged to Survivor parties by their crazy friends. Then we open on the camp at morning, with Lydia blathering about how maybe it's her destiny to win Survivor, since she's somehow made it this far. Ugh, Lydia, you just so suck so much that no one's concerned enough to bother getting rid of you, and the three people who are left are all certain you'll do whatever you tell them! Danni invokes a sports metaphor, comparing herself to her beloved Kansas Jayhawks basketball team, who've been to the Final Four twice in the last four years but have not won, so she feels the pressure to bring home a championship to Kansas. Aww. Lydia goes to get tree mail and runs into camp screaming, "It's the best ever, listen, it's so great..." and everyone is amped to hear what she has to say because they assume they're getting a feast or mimosas or SOMETHING, then they have to listen to Lydia misread the tree mail (..."these ancestral grounds are still considered SCARED...") and then she shouts, "We're gonna celebrate, don't you see?" Rafe points out that it doesn't really say anything about a celebration, just that there will be some kind of Mayan ceremony and everyone laughs and rolls their eyes in a very sitcomy way and they all say, "Oh, Lydia!" Steph jokingly groans, "Why do you guys keep her around!" Steph, I've been asking the same question for three months. But in all honesty I give Lydia props for looking forward to an authentic Mayan ritual, and not just thinking about her stomach. SUre enough, the Guatemalans arrive with incense burning and it's not a celebration at all, it's a very somber ritual that culminates in the killing and burning of a chicken in order to give thanks to the Mayan gods. Everyone seems to be very moved by the ceremony, except for the continually food-obsessed Steph, who keeps lamenting the fact that sugar was dumped on the ground, honey was thrown on the fire, etc. Even after they eat some tamales, Steph goads Lydia into asking the guests in Spanish if they can eat the scared chicken...er...the sacred chicken, that is to say. The guy gives an empathic NO, it's a sacrifice to the gods. Well, okay then, right? Right Steph? Oh, it's time to go to the Immunity Challenge. It was actually this kick-ass maze in the shape of a huge Mayan bird, and Jeff says it's the most complex Survivor maze ever constructed. It rocks. The Survivors have to run into the maze and recover puzzle pieces, and every time they find one, they have to run to the center of the maze, over these pontoons--it's cool. Steph and Rafe get their pieces back first, but when it comes to doing the puzzle, Rafe rules and Steph sucks. Rafe wins Immunity! Lydia cheers for herself for getting to the puzzle station with all her pieces before everyone heads back to camp. Go Lydia. I guess.

HOW SACRED IS YOUR CHICKEN? HOW LOOSE IS YOUR GOOSE?

Back at camp, everyone is beat from the challenge. Steph tells us she thinks Rafe is the only one she has a chance of beating at the end, because he's double-crossed the same people. They have a BFF moment where they realize they've never lied to one another this whole time! Hurray! But they have different priorities. Rafe feels he has to honor his promise to take Danni as far as the Final 3, while Steph thinks they should take Lydia because she sucks and wouldn't be able to beat either of them at almost anything. That all remains unsaid, though, as Steph and Lydia check out to see how edible that sacred chicken is, and it turns out to be, as Homer Simpson might say, sacrilicious. While they're looking at it, Lydia asks Steph to keep her around for the Final 3 because, "I don't have no threat." Ugh, even Lydia herself thinks the only reason she should be kept is that she sucks so bad. Ugh. UGH, I say! So, the girls rob the Mayan gods of the burnt offering. Danni and Lydia justify the meal by telling themselves they're in survival mode, and whatnot, while Steph acts like it'd be a crime NOT to eat it, "Look, I respected the ritual, but an hour later, the chicken's still there, and what, I'm gonna let the bugs eat it? That's be retarded, of course I'm gonna eat it!" So there you go, folks. It's a five second rule if your food drops on the floor, a half hour before you can go swimming, and a one hour rule if some religious or cultural group other than your own deems something sacred and not to be eaten. Wait for them to leave, give it a good hour and then bon apetite! Rafe, who was moved by the ceremony, declines to eat any of the chicken because he feels the lesson of the chicken was to NOT eat the chicken, hence the word "sacrifice." Not long after, the campers are forced into their shelter when a monster thunder and rain storm hits. Steph shudders, "Should we say a prayer of forgiveness?" Lydia yelps, "The Mayan gods are mad at us!" Oy. I don't actually think the storm had anything to do with what they did, but I do thing they were wrong, and Rafe was right. It's just not cool to be disrespectful about other people's beliefs, especially when you're on their sacred ancestral ground. As Bobby Jon might say, that's just no-class, man.

TRIBAL COUNCIL ONE

The jury is brought in, and Jeff has Rafe explain the Mayan blessing they all got to take part in. I'm glad he asked Rafe, since he was the only one who actually "got it." Then he starts talking about the storm and Lydia tries to explain what the girls did in this mincing tone that just makes me want to pull my hair out, "Well, Jeff, there's a chance that the storm was because of something we did, see, well, you know, we've only been eating corn for---" Jeff cuts her off, "You ate the chicken." Lydia goes on to describe how she feels the Mayan gods really WERE mad at them, she know this for a fact, at which point, Judd's eyes roll so hard they flip out of the jury box and roll over to Jeff's feet. Throughout this whole thing, Danni and Steph can't stop giggling, and when Steph insists that she respected the ritual despite her actions, Gary shakes his head in disappointment or disbelief. There's an inordinate amount of eye-rolling and "I can't believe we lost to these idiots" body language emanating from the jurors tonight. Then Lydia insists that she should be kept around because, "I haven't won nothing and I probably never will, so keep me around, I suck! Really, I do!" Danni claims that everyone loves Lydia and if she made it to the Final Two, everyone would vote for her (really Danni?) Then Steph claims that keeping Lydia around is dangerous because she's a HUGE mental threat. At first I thought that was Steph lying, but then I remembered that Steph thought the ancient Maya may have written in Sanskrit. Maybe Lydia IS a huge mental threat to poor Steph, who knows? Anyway, it is indeed, mercifully, Lydia who gets the boot. She casts her vote for Danni, of course. Lydia is proud of herself, and then in her SUrvivor Family Moment, we learn her son is proud of her, and that's all fine and good, once Lydia was booted off, I knew I could live with any of the remaining outcomes: Rafe, Steph or Danni, so I was over the moon.

Lydia finishes in 4th place, along with the equally obtuse, but way more feisty and compelling Sue, one of Richard Hatch's legion of stooges. In Australia, sweet Elisabeth was ousted from Survivor, but is now famous as one of Barbara Walters many stooges on "The View." In Africa, Big Tom bit the dust and in the Marquesas, Judge Paschal pulled the wrong-colored rock to break a tie. Helen never saw it coming when Brian dispatched her in Thailand, while Butch had a fairly good idea he was done-for in the Amazon. Darrah learned just how strong an all-women's alliance really is when Lil and Sandra picked Johnny Fairplay over her, and whiny Eliza doomed herself by winning the cursed car in Vanuatu. Last season, Gregg's gal pal, the unremarkable Jennifer was booted. It was revealed in a recent TV guide that young Jenn is now fighting breast cancer, and has gotten a lot of support from her tribemates like Coby, as well as the extended Survivor Family (Ethan and Rich Jenna, for example). Our prayers are with her.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Of course, Lydia lists Sorry as one of her favorite board games--who doesn't love Sorry? I give her props for naming Pacman as her favorite videogame, ya gotta give props to the old school, dig? Lydia was born in Japan, as a Marine Corps brat, and raised primarily in Puerto Rico. Then she married an Army man and lived in Germany for 5 years. Quite the world traveller...

TIME FOR THE NOT SO SACRED TIME-KILLING RITUAL

The next morning, a storm rages and soaks the camp--perhaps the Mayan gods are still ticked, perhaps it's just that they're in a country that gets 60 inches of rain a year, I don't know. Danni, Rafe and Steph have to pick maggots out of their corn and re-start their fire using flint, which they manage--nice to see some real survivin' happening on Survivor, even at the end. Then they embark on the journey thru the past, where they say something trite about all the people who left the game before they did, and they have to pretend to remember who people like Morgan and Brianna even were. Then we have to hear all the losers insist that they're proud of the way they played and they learned something about themselves, blah blah blah. Jamie sputters some nonsense about someday hoping to find four people he could feel safe with--the poor boy just screams "Future Cult Member." Props to Brandon who describes the game as "One big blurry ass-whupping and then I got voted off." Bobby Jon, in typical Bobby Jon fashion says sincerely that he was humbled by the game, "It was a refining moment for me, and I needed it." Awwww, I love Bobby Jon. In this variation, everyone's torch has a sketch of their face on it, and after Rafe and Danni and Steph say their trite little thing, "He never quit," or whatever, they sacrifice the images to the fire. Then Steph and Danni decide to eat the ashes of the pictures, while Rafe abstains....

FINAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

As it almost always is, the Final Immunity Challenge is a test of WILL. And balance, and stamina, but mostly WILL. The three will each balance on a wobbly, swivelly plank, while holding onto a dangling rope in each hand. After one hour they drop one rope, after another half hour they drop the second. Last one off picks who goes with them into the Final Two. All three do really well, there's no Jan in this bunch. At one point, Rafe causes America to scream in horror when he attempts to take his glasses off without letting go of one of his ropes. Remarkable, he does so, without eliminating himself, but not before making 30 million people scream, "NO, Rafe! you Idiot!!!" When the time comes to let go of the first rope, all three Survivors lose their balance completely and wind up hanging desperately to the remaining rope, while they try to get the swivel board back underneath them. Again, remarkably, all three of them do, winding up leaning against the post with their legs stretched out to the plank. It is not comfortable. Then the time comes to release the other rope and Jeff reminds them that they can't use their hands anymore, meaning, they can't touch the post with their hands. Rafe has a brain-fart and briefly touches the pole to get more comfortable, and he is out after a grueling hour and a half. He is devastated, and Steph and Danni feel bad for him. Steph lasts a whole 'nother hour before she collapses in tears and agony and Danni wins. Steph sobs uncontrollably, unable to move her back. Rafe is so moved by this that he races over to Danni and tells her that he releases her from her previous promise to take him to the Final Two--he wants her take whomever she wants, without any sense of obligation. Back at camp, Danni struggles with the decision, and Rafe keeps reminding her about her promise, even though he released her. Then he tells US, "Danni wouldn't even BE here if it wasn't for me, but I don't want her to feel indebted to me." Yes, Rafe, we know, you're a better person than all of us. Danni claims her vote tonight will be a "game-time decision," and for once I believe someone who says that, because they all always say that, and you know they know who they're gonna vote for...

TRIBAL COUNCIL TWO

The jury is especially smiley tonight, don't know why. Jeff points out to Steph that she and Rafe lost the grueling Immunity to Danni, when they could have kept Lydia around, and she sucks. Lydia nods in agreement, "Yes, this is true, I would have surely sucked at that challenge," she seems to say. Man, she sucks so bad she doesn't even mind hearing that she sucks! Lydia, you're being insulted, try not to smile so much. Steph says the challenge could've been mental and Jeff scoffs, "Oh get off it, Steph. Lydia not only sucks, she's an idiot!" Steph laughs, "Yeah, ya got me there, Jeff. Actually, Rafe had already promised Danni he wouldn't vote fuh her, so I was like, I could force a tie, but eh, why bother. Plus, I do whatever Rafe says, it's part of my leadership strategy." Then Jeff asks about Rafe releasing Danni from her promise to him, and Rafe is all, "I just wanted to make sure she did what was in her heart," and Gary and Judd exchange a "what a moron, can you believe this guy?" kind of look. Danni admits that she's conflicted because Rafe is the main reason she made it to this point, but then again, Steph's made a lot of people on the jury really mad. Steph smiles as she watches Jamie and Bobby Jon exchange a surreptitious low-five at this. Rafe points out that the jury is probably equally mad at him, which garners nods of agreement from the silent, but animated jurors. Danni chooses to vote out Rafe, who in his confessional praises himself for staying true to his moral compass and betraying people when he thought he should. Looks like Danni did the dame thing, brother. Rafe makes it clear that he's voting for Steph, no matter what.

Rafe exits in 3rd place, a place of much bitterness. 3rd place houses some of the game's most memorable characters, Cranky ol' coot Rudy, arrogant chef Keith, crazy illustrated man Lex, grandiose yet loveable Kath, weird ol' drunk Jan, nerdy manipulator Rob C., loathsome Johnny Fairplay, serene Scout, and last year's tragic, lanky emotional tornado of a man, Ian.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Rafe has over 60 first cousins, and has been to all of the 50 states and 14 countries. He graduated from Brown--I had no idea he was an Ivy leaguer, good for him. He's also such a huge Alias fan that he lists only Michael Vartan and Jennifer Garner under favorite actor and actress: it's been a rough year for him, no doubt...

HURRAY FOR US! LET'S BURN THE CAMP!!

THe next morning, Steph and Danni celebrate being the last ones left by taking one last boat ride out to the pool. They think it's cool that two jock-chicks beat all the boys, and they each think the other is just plain swell. Then they burn their shelter and stuff, as a sacrifice to the Mayan gods. Then they eat it. Then they go to Tribal Council.

TRIBAL COUNCIL THREE

Ah, the Final Tribal Council, and Jeff's wearing the electric blue shirt he knows I love. He asks the girls to give their opening statements. Danni says she's honored to be there, and that she knows she surprised some people, and she's made a lot of friends and hopes they all visit her in K.C. for some BBQ. Steph thanks everyone for making her Survivor experience a great one, and she acknowledges that she hurt some people and she looks forward to defending her actions. Then it's time to face the music and dance...Bobby Jon lofts up a big softball, first congratulating them both and then thanking Steph for the role he knows she played in getting him as far as the jury. He asks them both if their proud of how they played, and they both say, "Yup." Steph admits she backstabbed, like, two people, but she doesn't regret it. Danni says her only regret was they didn't win more immunities so they could've merged with the numbers instead. Gary, who's STILL lying about his real name, sees no irony in insisting on honesty from the ladies. He wants to know why he shouldn't vote for each of them. Steph says because she made an alliance with him on the first day and then she formed a new alliance when they were separated and she voted him out. Danni says because she made a selfish move to side with Rafe and company and voted for him when he was on the block. Jamie steps up and is, to my deep disappointment, not very crazy. He asks Danni what her ideal Final Five would have been, and she names herself, Bobby Jon, Gary and Brandon. She does not give him five, only four, and he either doesn't care or doesn't notice. Then he wonders how Steph was able to be so friendly to those she was about to vote out, when he found it so hard to even talk to those he knew he was about to axe. Steph insists that she didn't come up with the idea to boot him that day (it was Rafe, though she doesn't say that) and that she wasn't the only one who wanted him gone. She reminds him that he said being blindsided was the way go, so she claims to have honored that.

Lydia reminds both women that she was their dutiful servant and wonders why neither of them chose to drag her dead-weight into the Final three or two, and Steph says she's too competitive to feel good about beating someone who sucks as bad as Lydia does, while Danni just shrugs and says, "I outwitted you, dimwit, live with it." Lydia seems fine with all this. Cindy asks them both if they could eliminate one juror, who would it be, and Danni says it would be Rafe, because he's Steph's BFF and Danni knows Rafe would never vote for her over Steph. Naturally, Rafe looks hurt even though he's already said this is true. Steph seems to bonk on this rather easy question (Jamie? Judd? You?) and says she doesn't know and then she says Bobby Jon, because he was the first person on the jury, perhaps implying the least-deserving? It wasn't the answer Cindy was looking for, I don't think. Rafe congratulates both women, and then asks Danni why she changed her mind about taking him to the Final Two--she had said he was the most deserving, and after he let her out of the promise, she decided Steph was more deserving? Danni says that's exactly it, after watching Steph struggle and stay in the Immunity contest until she collapsed, she felt she had no choice. Then Rafe tells Steph that she's totally awesome, and a totally dominant player and master strategist and he wonders if there was any totally awesome strategy that she came up without him and she's like, "Nope, you and I were best buds and shared everything!" And Rafe shouts, "Yay! I knew it! Oh, but Steph, I think you should tell everyone how totally awesome you are and why they should vote for you, in your closing statement!" And Steph's like, "I will TOTALLY do that, thanks Rafe." Last, but certainly not least, Judd saunters up and says, "Ah'd like tuh congratulate both of yuhs." Then he asks Danni if she's ever rollerbladed or ice-skated before, and she thinks this is sincere, I think and answers, why yes, she has, not very well, and then he says she's the best ice-skater he's ever seen because she skated all through the game. He then asks if she was deceitful at all and she says she lied to Jamie the night he was voted out, and same thing with Brian. Judd then says he thinks she lied a lot and he hopes she goes to confession when she gets home. Danni replies earnestly that she asks God for forgiveness every day, and not just for lying. Whatever, St. Judd. I wish Danni had pointed out that she "skated" to two more Individual Immunities than he won--exactly zero. Then he calls Steph on the fact that she's always bitching about how hungry she is, but she's always eating. He calls her on her backstabbing and Steph stands up for herself. I really do give Steph credit because a lot of times people just apologize their whole way thru this part and it's like, c'mon. It's Survivor. Judd lambasts her for lying to his wife and Steph insists that when she talked to Kristen, she was confident she was gonna try and take him with her to the Final Two, the plan to oust him came later, after she heard from Danni that he was plotting to oust her and Rafe. Judd isn't hearing any of it, and tells her that he never said he was plotting to oust them, only that it was clear that they were the ones in power--which is true, Danni gave Steph a series of dots, and got Steph to connect them in the way that made voting out Judd seem necessary--it was really very masterful. She didn't lie, she just presented the truth in a way that made Steph and Rafe think Judd was moving against them when he wasn't.

Then it's time for the closing statements, and Steph just says that she deserves it, the game brings out the worst in you but that doesn't make you a bad person. She claims she never let anyone else make decisions for her, even though it's clear she was manipulated by both Rafe and Danni at different points (though I'm sure Steph doesn't see it that way) and she outwitted, outlasted and outplayed them. Danni reminds them once again that she came into the merge a doomed girl and wound up in the Final Two by recognizing Rafe and Steph as the power-brokers and making alliances with them. We only see two votes, Rafe telling Steph she's a superstar, and Judd telling Steph she sucks and thus voting for Danni. Then Jeff hops on a helicopter bound for Los Angeles. There we are reunited with the jury and the finalists, who are now all glammed out, and honestly not as pretty as they were in the wild. Maybe it's the CBS make-up department, but the women all wind up looking like soap stars instead of real people when it comes to the finale. I mean, Danni looked a little better because she'd clearly eaten, but Steph and Ami and Cindy looked terrible, in my opinion. Jamie grew his beard back, and looked way better than he did in the jury box. Bobby Jon was radiant as ever. Ahem, anyway, DANNI WINS!! 6-1, Rafe was her only vote--not a huge surprise.

Steph finishes in 2nd place, joining Kelly who never quit, Colby who followed his heart, Old Kim who picked the right friends and the right time to win Immunity, Neleh who destroyed the Smuggly alliance, Clay theimpossibletounderstandredneck, Sir Matt, the eccentric rich guy who went a little Heart of Darkness on us, Lill the sanctimonious martyr who should have stayed out of the game where she was justly sent weeks earlier, Twila who swore on her son's life with her fingers crossed, and Katie who thought she was a lot funnier than she actually was.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Steph is both a NY Jets fan and a Philadelphia Eagles fan. She's had an even rougher year than Rafe unless...God, I hope she doesn't love Alias too...

Danni finishes in 1st place, tying up the number of men and women who've won at 5 a piece. Women are in the lead if you count All-Star winner Amber, which I don't because in sports, you separate playoff stats from regular season stats. The incarcerated manipulator Richard Hatch was our first champion, followed by wily Tina and good and noble Ethan. Somehow, Vecepia managed to slip into the winner's spot--proof that you can win this game by just not being on anyone's radar and then going in against someone who has enemies on the jury. Porn Star Brian remains Survivor's sleaziest winner, while Rich Jenna managed to win over her jury and...me, I'll admit, after a brilliant interview at the last Tribal Council. In the Pearl Islands, eavesdropping, pot-overturning, ever-entertaining Sandra proved that flying under the radar doesn't necessarily mean you're boring while in Vanuatu, cagey Chris survived the Y-chromosome purge and wound up winning. Last season, fireman Tom out-thunk them all, and though he was as deserving as any winner we've had, I'm still a little bitter about the head trip he put on Ian. Ah well...

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Danni was Miss Kansas in the Miss USA pageant in 1996 and was first runner-up. She was also on Star Search in the early 1990's, making her a true Reality Queen. And she's a Kansas City Royals fan. You've gotta be pretty damn loyal to be rootin' for the Royals. I should sell that to the Royals.

REUNION DISH

The highlights of the reunion were as follows: Probably because he was so harsh at the next-to-last Tribal Council, we had to endure this lovefest from Jeff about what a great attitude Lydia had throughout the game, and then she went on and on about how she was a mother figure, and a provider and an encourager, blah blah blah--this was a highlight because it was the last time Lydia will ever be on my TV screen. Jeff also gave Steph way more air time than Danni, interestingly enough. I don't care WHO he's dating, Jeff's got the hots for Steph, it is SO freaking obvious. Jeff points out that Steph took part in 46 challenges (she won only 10) and 25 Tribal COuncils (she was voted out twice). Judd seems to have buried the hatchet with her, saying, "She's still a good girl." He enjoys his villain status on the show, and people saying, "Dat's duh big fat dude from Suvivuh!" Ami enjoys being recognized by perps, as she arrests them. When Bobby Jon uses a classic "say what?" Bobby Jon metaphor, Jeff asks him to explain it and he can't, which cracks everyone up. Then Bobby Jon says that you can't just be nice and work hard and expect to move forward in the game, you have to actually play the game. They pull back to a long shot of the group and you can tell (his mike isn't on) that Rafe says to Lydia that she managed to do it. Heh, word up Rafe, you're back on my good side. Jamie seems to be totally high as he makes fun of his paranoia--I mean, REALLY, he had to be loaded up there. We learn that Danni had gone to Central Michigan State on a lark to watch a game and had seen the shrine they have to Gary Hogeboom there, which is how she was able to recognize him. Ami jokes that she knows where he lives, should she want to "beat him down" as promised, for his lying to her about his quarterback past. Let's see...Judd's lost 45 pounds, looks great, Cindy wishes she was still sleeping on the ground in Guatemala and is out of a job and Rafe says something (after Jeff asks Rafe if she should have given up the car) like, "Well now she has a car and she can drive it to Guatemala if she wants," and it sounded...kind of passive aggressive, I dunno. Rafe walks that line, it's really hard to tell sometimes. Was that "Yay Cindy, follow your heart and enjoy your car!" or "Why don't you take that testament to your selfishness and leave the county, bitch!" Maybe...maybe it's a little of both. Margaret and Brian are leading a group of student relief workers who are going to Guatemala to tend to those devastated by the mudslides. Good for them. Blake is still...Blake. 'Nuff said. We get to see the clip we never saw (so we'd be surprised at Tribal Council, which I applaud) of Gary finding the hidden Immunity Idol. Then cute Farmer Brandon talks about how the game brings out ugliness in people, "It's a really mean game, you know?" Yeah, yeah it is. And if it wasn't it'd be no fun to watch. Jeff gives some love to Survivor nerd Brian, who says you have to be cool with the role luck plays in the game, which is really true, some of it IS luck, Tina said that after she won. All the losers get a couple minutes to remind us they were on Survivor, and snotty Brianna gets a little dig in at Steph, "I still don't know what a pick is, and I don't really care." Which is funny, but Steph's got $100,000 to go shopping with Brianna, so I think she's got the last laugh.

I'm really happy with this result, I think Danni's a great champion. She didn't REALLY betray anyone, and she won two vital Immunity's when she had to, so kudos Danni. And extra Kudos to the Survivor casting department, because this season was a real winner, so much fun, so many great characters, they really outdid themselves. Oh, and we didn't have any tedious quasi-romance that ends with them awkwardly insisting they're just friends at the reunion. Hurray! Let's hope Exile Island is this much fun!

Peace! :D

Christine