Survivor 11.14 Finale "It's a really mean game, you know?"

SURVIVOR STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who need the closure, you may read on...

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO SACRIFICE A CHICKEN?

Well, the finale always begins with a hella long recap (seriously, it was 15 minutes long), which I assume is to help stretch the Survivor Finale into a 3 hour event. And maybe to catch-up those poor people who have never watched Survivor before who've been dragged to Survivor parties by their crazy friends. Then we open on the camp at morning, with Lydia blathering about how maybe it's her destiny to win Survivor, since she's somehow made it this far. Ugh, Lydia, you just so suck so much that no one's concerned enough to bother getting rid of you, and the three people who are left are all certain you'll do whatever you tell them! Danni invokes a sports metaphor, comparing herself to her beloved Kansas Jayhawks basketball team, who've been to the Final Four twice in the last four years but have not won, so she feels the pressure to bring home a championship to Kansas. Aww. Lydia goes to get tree mail and runs into camp screaming, "It's the best ever, listen, it's so great..." and everyone is amped to hear what she has to say because they assume they're getting a feast or mimosas or SOMETHING, then they have to listen to Lydia misread the tree mail (..."these ancestral grounds are still considered SCARED...") and then she shouts, "We're gonna celebrate, don't you see?" Rafe points out that it doesn't really say anything about a celebration, just that there will be some kind of Mayan ceremony and everyone laughs and rolls their eyes in a very sitcomy way and they all say, "Oh, Lydia!" Steph jokingly groans, "Why do you guys keep her around!" Steph, I've been asking the same question for three months. But in all honesty I give Lydia props for looking forward to an authentic Mayan ritual, and not just thinking about her stomach. SUre enough, the Guatemalans arrive with incense burning and it's not a celebration at all, it's a very somber ritual that culminates in the killing and burning of a chicken in order to give thanks to the Mayan gods. Everyone seems to be very moved by the ceremony, except for the continually food-obsessed Steph, who keeps lamenting the fact that sugar was dumped on the ground, honey was thrown on the fire, etc. Even after they eat some tamales, Steph goads Lydia into asking the guests in Spanish if they can eat the scared chicken...er...the sacred chicken, that is to say. The guy gives an empathic NO, it's a sacrifice to the gods. Well, okay then, right? Right Steph? Oh, it's time to go to the Immunity Challenge. It was actually this kick-ass maze in the shape of a huge Mayan bird, and Jeff says it's the most complex Survivor maze ever constructed. It rocks. The Survivors have to run into the maze and recover puzzle pieces, and every time they find one, they have to run to the center of the maze, over these pontoons--it's cool. Steph and Rafe get their pieces back first, but when it comes to doing the puzzle, Rafe rules and Steph sucks. Rafe wins Immunity! Lydia cheers for herself for getting to the puzzle station with all her pieces before everyone heads back to camp. Go Lydia. I guess.

HOW SACRED IS YOUR CHICKEN? HOW LOOSE IS YOUR GOOSE?

Back at camp, everyone is beat from the challenge. Steph tells us she thinks Rafe is the only one she has a chance of beating at the end, because he's double-crossed the same people. They have a BFF moment where they realize they've never lied to one another this whole time! Hurray! But they have different priorities. Rafe feels he has to honor his promise to take Danni as far as the Final 3, while Steph thinks they should take Lydia because she sucks and wouldn't be able to beat either of them at almost anything. That all remains unsaid, though, as Steph and Lydia check out to see how edible that sacred chicken is, and it turns out to be, as Homer Simpson might say, sacrilicious. While they're looking at it, Lydia asks Steph to keep her around for the Final 3 because, "I don't have no threat." Ugh, even Lydia herself thinks the only reason she should be kept is that she sucks so bad. Ugh. UGH, I say! So, the girls rob the Mayan gods of the burnt offering. Danni and Lydia justify the meal by telling themselves they're in survival mode, and whatnot, while Steph acts like it'd be a crime NOT to eat it, "Look, I respected the ritual, but an hour later, the chicken's still there, and what, I'm gonna let the bugs eat it? That's be retarded, of course I'm gonna eat it!" So there you go, folks. It's a five second rule if your food drops on the floor, a half hour before you can go swimming, and a one hour rule if some religious or cultural group other than your own deems something sacred and not to be eaten. Wait for them to leave, give it a good hour and then bon apetite! Rafe, who was moved by the ceremony, declines to eat any of the chicken because he feels the lesson of the chicken was to NOT eat the chicken, hence the word "sacrifice." Not long after, the campers are forced into their shelter when a monster thunder and rain storm hits. Steph shudders, "Should we say a prayer of forgiveness?" Lydia yelps, "The Mayan gods are mad at us!" Oy. I don't actually think the storm had anything to do with what they did, but I do thing they were wrong, and Rafe was right. It's just not cool to be disrespectful about other people's beliefs, especially when you're on their sacred ancestral ground. As Bobby Jon might say, that's just no-class, man.

TRIBAL COUNCIL ONE

The jury is brought in, and Jeff has Rafe explain the Mayan blessing they all got to take part in. I'm glad he asked Rafe, since he was the only one who actually "got it." Then he starts talking about the storm and Lydia tries to explain what the girls did in this mincing tone that just makes me want to pull my hair out, "Well, Jeff, there's a chance that the storm was because of something we did, see, well, you know, we've only been eating corn for---" Jeff cuts her off, "You ate the chicken." Lydia goes on to describe how she feels the Mayan gods really WERE mad at them, she know this for a fact, at which point, Judd's eyes roll so hard they flip out of the jury box and roll over to Jeff's feet. Throughout this whole thing, Danni and Steph can't stop giggling, and when Steph insists that she respected the ritual despite her actions, Gary shakes his head in disappointment or disbelief. There's an inordinate amount of eye-rolling and "I can't believe we lost to these idiots" body language emanating from the jurors tonight. Then Lydia insists that she should be kept around because, "I haven't won nothing and I probably never will, so keep me around, I suck! Really, I do!" Danni claims that everyone loves Lydia and if she made it to the Final Two, everyone would vote for her (really Danni?) Then Steph claims that keeping Lydia around is dangerous because she's a HUGE mental threat. At first I thought that was Steph lying, but then I remembered that Steph thought the ancient Maya may have written in Sanskrit. Maybe Lydia IS a huge mental threat to poor Steph, who knows? Anyway, it is indeed, mercifully, Lydia who gets the boot. She casts her vote for Danni, of course. Lydia is proud of herself, and then in her SUrvivor Family Moment, we learn her son is proud of her, and that's all fine and good, once Lydia was booted off, I knew I could live with any of the remaining outcomes: Rafe, Steph or Danni, so I was over the moon.

Lydia finishes in 4th place, along with the equally obtuse, but way more feisty and compelling Sue, one of Richard Hatch's legion of stooges. In Australia, sweet Elisabeth was ousted from Survivor, but is now famous as one of Barbara Walters many stooges on "The View." In Africa, Big Tom bit the dust and in the Marquesas, Judge Paschal pulled the wrong-colored rock to break a tie. Helen never saw it coming when Brian dispatched her in Thailand, while Butch had a fairly good idea he was done-for in the Amazon. Darrah learned just how strong an all-women's alliance really is when Lil and Sandra picked Johnny Fairplay over her, and whiny Eliza doomed herself by winning the cursed car in Vanuatu. Last season, Gregg's gal pal, the unremarkable Jennifer was booted. It was revealed in a recent TV guide that young Jenn is now fighting breast cancer, and has gotten a lot of support from her tribemates like Coby, as well as the extended Survivor Family (Ethan and Rich Jenna, for example). Our prayers are with her.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Of course, Lydia lists Sorry as one of her favorite board games--who doesn't love Sorry? I give her props for naming Pacman as her favorite videogame, ya gotta give props to the old school, dig? Lydia was born in Japan, as a Marine Corps brat, and raised primarily in Puerto Rico. Then she married an Army man and lived in Germany for 5 years. Quite the world traveller...

TIME FOR THE NOT SO SACRED TIME-KILLING RITUAL

The next morning, a storm rages and soaks the camp--perhaps the Mayan gods are still ticked, perhaps it's just that they're in a country that gets 60 inches of rain a year, I don't know. Danni, Rafe and Steph have to pick maggots out of their corn and re-start their fire using flint, which they manage--nice to see some real survivin' happening on Survivor, even at the end. Then they embark on the journey thru the past, where they say something trite about all the people who left the game before they did, and they have to pretend to remember who people like Morgan and Brianna even were. Then we have to hear all the losers insist that they're proud of the way they played and they learned something about themselves, blah blah blah. Jamie sputters some nonsense about someday hoping to find four people he could feel safe with--the poor boy just screams "Future Cult Member." Props to Brandon who describes the game as "One big blurry ass-whupping and then I got voted off." Bobby Jon, in typical Bobby Jon fashion says sincerely that he was humbled by the game, "It was a refining moment for me, and I needed it." Awwww, I love Bobby Jon. In this variation, everyone's torch has a sketch of their face on it, and after Rafe and Danni and Steph say their trite little thing, "He never quit," or whatever, they sacrifice the images to the fire. Then Steph and Danni decide to eat the ashes of the pictures, while Rafe abstains....

FINAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

As it almost always is, the Final Immunity Challenge is a test of WILL. And balance, and stamina, but mostly WILL. The three will each balance on a wobbly, swivelly plank, while holding onto a dangling rope in each hand. After one hour they drop one rope, after another half hour they drop the second. Last one off picks who goes with them into the Final Two. All three do really well, there's no Jan in this bunch. At one point, Rafe causes America to scream in horror when he attempts to take his glasses off without letting go of one of his ropes. Remarkable, he does so, without eliminating himself, but not before making 30 million people scream, "NO, Rafe! you Idiot!!!" When the time comes to let go of the first rope, all three Survivors lose their balance completely and wind up hanging desperately to the remaining rope, while they try to get the swivel board back underneath them. Again, remarkably, all three of them do, winding up leaning against the post with their legs stretched out to the plank. It is not comfortable. Then the time comes to release the other rope and Jeff reminds them that they can't use their hands anymore, meaning, they can't touch the post with their hands. Rafe has a brain-fart and briefly touches the pole to get more comfortable, and he is out after a grueling hour and a half. He is devastated, and Steph and Danni feel bad for him. Steph lasts a whole 'nother hour before she collapses in tears and agony and Danni wins. Steph sobs uncontrollably, unable to move her back. Rafe is so moved by this that he races over to Danni and tells her that he releases her from her previous promise to take him to the Final Two--he wants her take whomever she wants, without any sense of obligation. Back at camp, Danni struggles with the decision, and Rafe keeps reminding her about her promise, even though he released her. Then he tells US, "Danni wouldn't even BE here if it wasn't for me, but I don't want her to feel indebted to me." Yes, Rafe, we know, you're a better person than all of us. Danni claims her vote tonight will be a "game-time decision," and for once I believe someone who says that, because they all always say that, and you know they know who they're gonna vote for...

TRIBAL COUNCIL TWO

The jury is especially smiley tonight, don't know why. Jeff points out to Steph that she and Rafe lost the grueling Immunity to Danni, when they could have kept Lydia around, and she sucks. Lydia nods in agreement, "Yes, this is true, I would have surely sucked at that challenge," she seems to say. Man, she sucks so bad she doesn't even mind hearing that she sucks! Lydia, you're being insulted, try not to smile so much. Steph says the challenge could've been mental and Jeff scoffs, "Oh get off it, Steph. Lydia not only sucks, she's an idiot!" Steph laughs, "Yeah, ya got me there, Jeff. Actually, Rafe had already promised Danni he wouldn't vote fuh her, so I was like, I could force a tie, but eh, why bother. Plus, I do whatever Rafe says, it's part of my leadership strategy." Then Jeff asks about Rafe releasing Danni from her promise to him, and Rafe is all, "I just wanted to make sure she did what was in her heart," and Gary and Judd exchange a "what a moron, can you believe this guy?" kind of look. Danni admits that she's conflicted because Rafe is the main reason she made it to this point, but then again, Steph's made a lot of people on the jury really mad. Steph smiles as she watches Jamie and Bobby Jon exchange a surreptitious low-five at this. Rafe points out that the jury is probably equally mad at him, which garners nods of agreement from the silent, but animated jurors. Danni chooses to vote out Rafe, who in his confessional praises himself for staying true to his moral compass and betraying people when he thought he should. Looks like Danni did the dame thing, brother. Rafe makes it clear that he's voting for Steph, no matter what.

Rafe exits in 3rd place, a place of much bitterness. 3rd place houses some of the game's most memorable characters, Cranky ol' coot Rudy, arrogant chef Keith, crazy illustrated man Lex, grandiose yet loveable Kath, weird ol' drunk Jan, nerdy manipulator Rob C., loathsome Johnny Fairplay, serene Scout, and last year's tragic, lanky emotional tornado of a man, Ian.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Rafe has over 60 first cousins, and has been to all of the 50 states and 14 countries. He graduated from Brown--I had no idea he was an Ivy leaguer, good for him. He's also such a huge Alias fan that he lists only Michael Vartan and Jennifer Garner under favorite actor and actress: it's been a rough year for him, no doubt...

HURRAY FOR US! LET'S BURN THE CAMP!!

THe next morning, Steph and Danni celebrate being the last ones left by taking one last boat ride out to the pool. They think it's cool that two jock-chicks beat all the boys, and they each think the other is just plain swell. Then they burn their shelter and stuff, as a sacrifice to the Mayan gods. Then they eat it. Then they go to Tribal Council.

TRIBAL COUNCIL THREE

Ah, the Final Tribal Council, and Jeff's wearing the electric blue shirt he knows I love. He asks the girls to give their opening statements. Danni says she's honored to be there, and that she knows she surprised some people, and she's made a lot of friends and hopes they all visit her in K.C. for some BBQ. Steph thanks everyone for making her Survivor experience a great one, and she acknowledges that she hurt some people and she looks forward to defending her actions. Then it's time to face the music and dance...Bobby Jon lofts up a big softball, first congratulating them both and then thanking Steph for the role he knows she played in getting him as far as the jury. He asks them both if their proud of how they played, and they both say, "Yup." Steph admits she backstabbed, like, two people, but she doesn't regret it. Danni says her only regret was they didn't win more immunities so they could've merged with the numbers instead. Gary, who's STILL lying about his real name, sees no irony in insisting on honesty from the ladies. He wants to know why he shouldn't vote for each of them. Steph says because she made an alliance with him on the first day and then she formed a new alliance when they were separated and she voted him out. Danni says because she made a selfish move to side with Rafe and company and voted for him when he was on the block. Jamie steps up and is, to my deep disappointment, not very crazy. He asks Danni what her ideal Final Five would have been, and she names herself, Bobby Jon, Gary and Brandon. She does not give him five, only four, and he either doesn't care or doesn't notice. Then he wonders how Steph was able to be so friendly to those she was about to vote out, when he found it so hard to even talk to those he knew he was about to axe. Steph insists that she didn't come up with the idea to boot him that day (it was Rafe, though she doesn't say that) and that she wasn't the only one who wanted him gone. She reminds him that he said being blindsided was the way go, so she claims to have honored that.

Lydia reminds both women that she was their dutiful servant and wonders why neither of them chose to drag her dead-weight into the Final three or two, and Steph says she's too competitive to feel good about beating someone who sucks as bad as Lydia does, while Danni just shrugs and says, "I outwitted you, dimwit, live with it." Lydia seems fine with all this. Cindy asks them both if they could eliminate one juror, who would it be, and Danni says it would be Rafe, because he's Steph's BFF and Danni knows Rafe would never vote for her over Steph. Naturally, Rafe looks hurt even though he's already said this is true. Steph seems to bonk on this rather easy question (Jamie? Judd? You?) and says she doesn't know and then she says Bobby Jon, because he was the first person on the jury, perhaps implying the least-deserving? It wasn't the answer Cindy was looking for, I don't think. Rafe congratulates both women, and then asks Danni why she changed her mind about taking him to the Final Two--she had said he was the most deserving, and after he let her out of the promise, she decided Steph was more deserving? Danni says that's exactly it, after watching Steph struggle and stay in the Immunity contest until she collapsed, she felt she had no choice. Then Rafe tells Steph that she's totally awesome, and a totally dominant player and master strategist and he wonders if there was any totally awesome strategy that she came up without him and she's like, "Nope, you and I were best buds and shared everything!" And Rafe shouts, "Yay! I knew it! Oh, but Steph, I think you should tell everyone how totally awesome you are and why they should vote for you, in your closing statement!" And Steph's like, "I will TOTALLY do that, thanks Rafe." Last, but certainly not least, Judd saunters up and says, "Ah'd like tuh congratulate both of yuhs." Then he asks Danni if she's ever rollerbladed or ice-skated before, and she thinks this is sincere, I think and answers, why yes, she has, not very well, and then he says she's the best ice-skater he's ever seen because she skated all through the game. He then asks if she was deceitful at all and she says she lied to Jamie the night he was voted out, and same thing with Brian. Judd then says he thinks she lied a lot and he hopes she goes to confession when she gets home. Danni replies earnestly that she asks God for forgiveness every day, and not just for lying. Whatever, St. Judd. I wish Danni had pointed out that she "skated" to two more Individual Immunities than he won--exactly zero. Then he calls Steph on the fact that she's always bitching about how hungry she is, but she's always eating. He calls her on her backstabbing and Steph stands up for herself. I really do give Steph credit because a lot of times people just apologize their whole way thru this part and it's like, c'mon. It's Survivor. Judd lambasts her for lying to his wife and Steph insists that when she talked to Kristen, she was confident she was gonna try and take him with her to the Final Two, the plan to oust him came later, after she heard from Danni that he was plotting to oust her and Rafe. Judd isn't hearing any of it, and tells her that he never said he was plotting to oust them, only that it was clear that they were the ones in power--which is true, Danni gave Steph a series of dots, and got Steph to connect them in the way that made voting out Judd seem necessary--it was really very masterful. She didn't lie, she just presented the truth in a way that made Steph and Rafe think Judd was moving against them when he wasn't.

Then it's time for the closing statements, and Steph just says that she deserves it, the game brings out the worst in you but that doesn't make you a bad person. She claims she never let anyone else make decisions for her, even though it's clear she was manipulated by both Rafe and Danni at different points (though I'm sure Steph doesn't see it that way) and she outwitted, outlasted and outplayed them. Danni reminds them once again that she came into the merge a doomed girl and wound up in the Final Two by recognizing Rafe and Steph as the power-brokers and making alliances with them. We only see two votes, Rafe telling Steph she's a superstar, and Judd telling Steph she sucks and thus voting for Danni. Then Jeff hops on a helicopter bound for Los Angeles. There we are reunited with the jury and the finalists, who are now all glammed out, and honestly not as pretty as they were in the wild. Maybe it's the CBS make-up department, but the women all wind up looking like soap stars instead of real people when it comes to the finale. I mean, Danni looked a little better because she'd clearly eaten, but Steph and Ami and Cindy looked terrible, in my opinion. Jamie grew his beard back, and looked way better than he did in the jury box. Bobby Jon was radiant as ever. Ahem, anyway, DANNI WINS!! 6-1, Rafe was her only vote--not a huge surprise.

Steph finishes in 2nd place, joining Kelly who never quit, Colby who followed his heart, Old Kim who picked the right friends and the right time to win Immunity, Neleh who destroyed the Smuggly alliance, Clay theimpossibletounderstandredneck, Sir Matt, the eccentric rich guy who went a little Heart of Darkness on us, Lill the sanctimonious martyr who should have stayed out of the game where she was justly sent weeks earlier, Twila who swore on her son's life with her fingers crossed, and Katie who thought she was a lot funnier than she actually was.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Steph is both a NY Jets fan and a Philadelphia Eagles fan. She's had an even rougher year than Rafe unless...God, I hope she doesn't love Alias too...

Danni finishes in 1st place, tying up the number of men and women who've won at 5 a piece. Women are in the lead if you count All-Star winner Amber, which I don't because in sports, you separate playoff stats from regular season stats. The incarcerated manipulator Richard Hatch was our first champion, followed by wily Tina and good and noble Ethan. Somehow, Vecepia managed to slip into the winner's spot--proof that you can win this game by just not being on anyone's radar and then going in against someone who has enemies on the jury. Porn Star Brian remains Survivor's sleaziest winner, while Rich Jenna managed to win over her jury and...me, I'll admit, after a brilliant interview at the last Tribal Council. In the Pearl Islands, eavesdropping, pot-overturning, ever-entertaining Sandra proved that flying under the radar doesn't necessarily mean you're boring while in Vanuatu, cagey Chris survived the Y-chromosome purge and wound up winning. Last season, fireman Tom out-thunk them all, and though he was as deserving as any winner we've had, I'm still a little bitter about the head trip he put on Ian. Ah well...

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT

Danni was Miss Kansas in the Miss USA pageant in 1996 and was first runner-up. She was also on Star Search in the early 1990's, making her a true Reality Queen. And she's a Kansas City Royals fan. You've gotta be pretty damn loyal to be rootin' for the Royals. I should sell that to the Royals.

REUNION DISH

The highlights of the reunion were as follows: Probably because he was so harsh at the next-to-last Tribal Council, we had to endure this lovefest from Jeff about what a great attitude Lydia had throughout the game, and then she went on and on about how she was a mother figure, and a provider and an encourager, blah blah blah--this was a highlight because it was the last time Lydia will ever be on my TV screen. Jeff also gave Steph way more air time than Danni, interestingly enough. I don't care WHO he's dating, Jeff's got the hots for Steph, it is SO freaking obvious. Jeff points out that Steph took part in 46 challenges (she won only 10) and 25 Tribal COuncils (she was voted out twice). Judd seems to have buried the hatchet with her, saying, "She's still a good girl." He enjoys his villain status on the show, and people saying, "Dat's duh big fat dude from Suvivuh!" Ami enjoys being recognized by perps, as she arrests them. When Bobby Jon uses a classic "say what?" Bobby Jon metaphor, Jeff asks him to explain it and he can't, which cracks everyone up. Then Bobby Jon says that you can't just be nice and work hard and expect to move forward in the game, you have to actually play the game. They pull back to a long shot of the group and you can tell (his mike isn't on) that Rafe says to Lydia that she managed to do it. Heh, word up Rafe, you're back on my good side. Jamie seems to be totally high as he makes fun of his paranoia--I mean, REALLY, he had to be loaded up there. We learn that Danni had gone to Central Michigan State on a lark to watch a game and had seen the shrine they have to Gary Hogeboom there, which is how she was able to recognize him. Ami jokes that she knows where he lives, should she want to "beat him down" as promised, for his lying to her about his quarterback past. Let's see...Judd's lost 45 pounds, looks great, Cindy wishes she was still sleeping on the ground in Guatemala and is out of a job and Rafe says something (after Jeff asks Rafe if she should have given up the car) like, "Well now she has a car and she can drive it to Guatemala if she wants," and it sounded...kind of passive aggressive, I dunno. Rafe walks that line, it's really hard to tell sometimes. Was that "Yay Cindy, follow your heart and enjoy your car!" or "Why don't you take that testament to your selfishness and leave the county, bitch!" Maybe...maybe it's a little of both. Margaret and Brian are leading a group of student relief workers who are going to Guatemala to tend to those devastated by the mudslides. Good for them. Blake is still...Blake. 'Nuff said. We get to see the clip we never saw (so we'd be surprised at Tribal Council, which I applaud) of Gary finding the hidden Immunity Idol. Then cute Farmer Brandon talks about how the game brings out ugliness in people, "It's a really mean game, you know?" Yeah, yeah it is. And if it wasn't it'd be no fun to watch. Jeff gives some love to Survivor nerd Brian, who says you have to be cool with the role luck plays in the game, which is really true, some of it IS luck, Tina said that after she won. All the losers get a couple minutes to remind us they were on Survivor, and snotty Brianna gets a little dig in at Steph, "I still don't know what a pick is, and I don't really care." Which is funny, but Steph's got $100,000 to go shopping with Brianna, so I think she's got the last laugh.

I'm really happy with this result, I think Danni's a great champion. She didn't REALLY betray anyone, and she won two vital Immunity's when she had to, so kudos Danni. And extra Kudos to the Survivor casting department, because this season was a real winner, so much fun, so many great characters, they really outdid themselves. Oh, and we didn't have any tedious quasi-romance that ends with them awkwardly insisting they're just friends at the reunion. Hurray! Let's hope Exile Island is this much fun!

Peace! :D

Christine