Survivor 12.2 "Yep, we're screwed."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Are you all watching the Olympics? I am:) I LOVE the Olympics, especially the figure skating. I don't care about it for four years, but once it's Olympic time, forget about it! And yes, it's kinda fixed, and the scoring leaves you saying, "Say what?" but still, I'm hooked. A rude, bitchy Russian couple won the pairs again, as usual. Did you SEE that ungrateful Russian chick ragging on the Chinese pair who gutted thru that horrific fall? I mean, she's won the freaking gold medal, and she's still all huffy, like they stole her thunder. Well, that's what happens when you phone-in your routine, you ruskie robot. Those Russians, man. They may not be scary anymore, but they're still pretty annoying. I'm rooting for Sasha Cohen in the women's and Clay Aiken Doppelganger Johnny Weir in the men's (he's bitchy too, but in a fun way). Oh, and speaking of American Idol, Red Buttons is like, the original Simon Cowell. Don't get him started about how no one can do a proper sit-spin anymore! It's like, his obsession. I don't really enjoy the ice dancing anymore, however, after Torvill and Dean were mightily rooked in 1994. I also like the skiing and the speed skating, though the short track is even more mystifying than hockey in terms of, "Wait...how was THAT a foul when THIS wasn't." Anyway, on to the review...

THE STORM BEFORE THE STORM

It's stormy, and at the Lodge, Shane's taking it personally, "This place BREEDS bad luck, man," he grouses. THe next morning, he is in a downward spiral, he misses his kid, and coaching his football team, "I make MORE than enough money--I don't have any reason to be here!" Then he curses out the sand fleas, and complains about how he misses all his gadgets and his go-go 21st Century lifestyle, then he dubs himself "ADD Psychoboy," and then he implores the heavens, "No more torrential downpours, Sir God!" No, yeah, he really said exactly that. Vain Shane is the drama king. At the Golden Girls camp, Cirie, Melinda and Ruth Marie are unable to re-start their rained-out fire, and somewhere, lumberjill Tina is having a good laugh at their expense. Meanwhile, the Spice Girls dine on some papaya they found in a tree, and Misty (whose hands and arms have been ravaged by bites or a rash, perhaps contracted at Exile Island?) gushes, "It's almost orgasmically good!" Uh, okay. Maybe the papaya board should adopt that as their slogan--I think it might sell some papaya.

NEW FACES, NEW PLACES

At the Reward Challenge, Jeff has all the Survivors stand on wood discs (those who remember season four and the Marquesas remember this is how Boston Rob got separated from his "ace in the hole," the boobacious Sarah) and look for a buff. Only Terry and Danielle have them, meaning they get to make the first picks of their new tribes. Yes, new tribes, the four tribe thing was only temporary. They each have to pick someone of the opposite sex, so Terry picks Sally, while Danielle picks "The cool guy with the cool Boston tattoo," Now, Shane's not affiliated with Boston per se, that's his son's name (yes, he named his son Boston, undoubtedly because of all the attention he gets when he tells people he named his son Boston), but whatever. The tribes wind up like this: La Mina is comprised of Terry and Dan from the Lodge, Austin and Nick from the Frat, Sally and Misty from the Spice Girls, and Ruth Marie from the Golden Girls. Caseya is made up of Danielle and Courtney from the Spice Girls, Cirie and Melinda from the Golden Girls, Bobby and Aras from the Frat and Shane from the Lodge. The young people were picked first, of course, which is annoying. And that leaves one odd-man out, Bruce, who nobody picked, and America feels awkward about the "person nobody wants" (thanks, Jeff) being one of Survivor's rare people of color. But Jeff has some good news to go with the bad, telling Bruce that he will be granted Immunity, and spend the next few days on Exile Island. Then he'll come to the next Tribal Council, and replace whomever the losing tribe votes out. Bruce is very stoked about this, and everyone politely applauds as he leaves. The it's on to the Reward Challenge, where the winner will get all sorts of cool fishing gear and a raft. The teams have to race thru an obstacle course, untying and finding and collecting six wooden snakes along the way. The wooden snakes are long, twisty and AWESOME. I totally want one. Anyway, both teams perform well, and no one appears to be the weak link, but La Mina wins.Jeff tells Caseya, "I don't even think you were out-hustled, you just lost." The winners are sent to the older men's camp, while the losers head to the older women's camp. I'm sure this is a great relief to the younger men, who would be mortified if the others saw their sorry-ass shelter. And did the younger women even ever build one?? That's a mystery, we certainly never saw it, and it's possible they just roamed the island for days looking for the perfect spot to build...

ATTACK OF THE FLAKES

At Caseya, Shane rags on his old camp and his old tribe, "These dudes were all, "we're fifty and we're gonna show you how to survive!" And I'm like, older guys? Are you kidding me, I'm 34 going on 12, I'm ADD psychoboy, I'm a smoker, me me me me me!" It's interesting that Shane is 34 because so am I and I feel both much older AND much younger than he is. I think it's because Shane comes off like somebody's dad who's trying way to hard to be considered "cool" by his kid's friends. Shane is thrilled to be amongst younger people, gushing, "I haven't thought about going home ONCE since I got here." Oh, don't worry, Shane's kid, I'm sure he didn't mean that the way it sounds. Everyone is impressed with the Golden Girls shelter, and neither Cirie nor Melinda bothers to point out that it was designed and primarily built by the woman they got rid of. Cirie complains to us that the tribe has been invaded, and that she and Melinda don't fit in with their new tribe, as Courtney chants, "Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!" while the guys make fire and then gushes about how, like, awesome the new, like tribe is and like, the purple buff are, because purple is like, awesome. I hate to say it, but really, it's a bunch of flaky Californians. Southern Californians, not Northern Californians to be sure ;) Aras went to UC Irvine, so I'm assuming he's from the OC, because...he went to UC Irvine. Shane is from Nebraska but has lived in LA his entire adult life. Let me rephrase that, he's lived in LA since he was 18. Courtney is from D.C. but resides in LA, and is into the Hollywood club scene (she tells Bobby, an African American from South Central LA that she's "gangsta Hollywood" and America cringes). Melinda tells us that if they lose the next Immunity challenge, she and Cirie are screwed, then she laughs, "Yep, we're screwed." And she's right, because Shane has told Aras, Danielle and Courtney that they are the Final Four, "And can we NOT make it dramatic and cheat on each other? We're Final Four, DONE, no more discussion." Oh yeah, Shane, gee, why hasn't anyone else ever thought of that, just DECIDE to stick together and do it, radical concept. And I'm sorry, did Shane just imply that he has a problem with drama? Puhleeze. Shane is quite pleased with his leadership, "I told everyone the plan, man, I was locked in, dude, I'm Shane and I'm awesome and fascinating! You can tell because I have like, words written all over me, and I named my kid Boston, and when I decided to quit smoking, I made sure it was on national television!" It's been awhile since I hated someone THIS bad, THIS soon. I'm thinking...Jonny Fairplay? Then Shane does a Twila-Lex combo by swearing on his son's life that he won't betray his Final Four and promises to hunt down and kill anyone who betrays him. He's like crazy Survivor gumbo.

LESS EXCITING GOINGS ON ELSEWHERE

At La Mina, Dan is thrilled to remain in a tribe with fellow military-type, Terry. Misty and Sally are thrilled to be a tribe with someone who knows how to make a fire. Terry reaches out to Austin and Nick, telling them that he and Dan want the four men to be a Final Four clique and get rid of the girls. Later, Sally tells Austin that she and Misty want Nick and Austin to be in a final four clique with THEM. Austin is torn and doesn't know what they should do. Not even the cameras care about Ruth Marie, who barely makes a cameo in the episode after the switcheroo. It should be noted that no all-male alliance has ever succeeded--in fact, its never really been attempted. Bossy Roger in the Amazon thought his all-guy tribe was gonna do it in the Amazon, but the young guys through him over for hot babes the first chance they could get. It'll be interesting to see how it shakes out.

On Exile Island, Bruce gets another clue to the whereabouts of the Idol, including a map with a huge swath of red across it, showing where the idol is NOT. Hopefully, it wasn't drawn by Judd. It also says it's above the shoreline, and we see Misty's clue written out, that thing Jeff said to her, "Why" did fate leave you behind? The "why" is in quotes, which makes my think maybe...it's in a "Y" shaped tree, or something? Maybe? Anyway, Bruce tries to make fire and breaks the flint, and mutters, "I hope people realize how hard this is." Yes Bruce, we do, that's why we're all sitting on the couch, turning up our thermostats and eating our Cheeze-Its. Then he does some martial arts training to reinforce all those stereotypes America has about Asians. I'm sure in future episodes he'll do some complicated math, drive poorly, and then commit ritual suicide after failing at a challenge. That's the one-step back part of the episode--in the two steps forward department, CBS has cast TWO, count them, TWO black contestants who can swim! Oh happy day. At night, Bruce has to huddle in the dark with no fire, and laments how miserable it is, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy," he shivers. I immediately started wishing it on Shane.

INSERT DUMB BLONDE JOKE HERE

So, Sally and Nick are gonna go out fishing, and Sally mentions that she thinks the spear will be fun! "Just remember to hold on to it," Terry, the male chauvinist pig reminds her. I mean, really, what, just because she's a GIRL, she's automatically gonna lose the spear!? What a...oh, crap. Sally loses the spear. She says, "I just don't want to lose it," to Nick, and boom, she shoots it out into oblivion. Nick is very understanding and insists she shouldn't beat herself up about it. Nick seems like a nice enough guy, and he's hunky and cute and all...but in a very bland way. Sally tells Dan and Terry that she lost the spear and they try so hard not freak out and yell at her, they both implode. In the Pearl Islands, who lost the spear? Shawn or Burton, I wanna say. I could look it up on my own blog but I'm too lazy. Anyway, Rupert was able to find it...

IMMUNITY

THe tribes gather at the beach, and Misty answers Jeff's stock, "How are you managing" question with a stock, "We're staying positive" answer, and this offends Shane, who mortifies his own tribe and bemuses the other with a full-on rant, "I won't lie, Jeff, we're in a DIRE situation--we could LITERALLY all DIE out here, Jeff, and I'm not gonna stand here and do that whole, "Let's pretend we're doing great to demoralize the other team, well SCREW THAT, man. I'm Shane! I speak the truth, man, I'm sorry if that's too REAL for you guys, but we're not in a good way--physically, we are WRECKED!" Courtney frowns as if to say, "Like, we are?" Jeff is all, "Uh...okay. Let me tell you about the challenge." Five people have to bail out a boat while two people dive in the water and drag the ships anchor to shore, thus dragging the boat in. On the shore is a kind of "burning man" zombie figure made of sticks, and each team has a zombie head *cue the Cranberries* and they have to stick it on the figure. Like the wooden snakes of the reward challenge, it is delightfully random. Terry and Nick start in the water, but Austin has to sub in for Nick. Shane goes in for Bobby on the other team, and Jeff stone-cold disses him, "Shane made NO progress, La Mina is in the lead only because Caseya is completely inept!" I think Jeff hates Shane. But Jeff, cut them some slack, they're physically WRECKED. Dippy Courtney jumps in the water, subbing for Shane or...Aras? I don't know, but Courtney actually does really well, muscling the anchor across the sea floor, and keeping them in the game. Still, it's not enough. La Mina gets the zombie head on its zombie body and spear-loosing Sally is saved from eviction. Or at least Austin and Nick are saved from having to choose a side.

CALIFORNIA SCHEMING

The losers return to camp, which will soon begin to resemble a junior high school, and Shane is not surprisingly having a freak-out. "I don't like to lose, I'm beat, I wanna cigarette, I wanna coffee, I wanna big sandwich, I wanna call my kid and tell him how HARD it has been for me out here. And it's way harder for me because I used to SMOKE, man! And I'm so competitive that losing is an unimaginable burden that only I can truly understand!" So he goes to his tribe and tells them to vote him out, and Dani, Courtney and Aras are upset and beg him to reconsider. Bobby, Cirie and Melinda, not so much. As Cirie says, "If he wants to quit, let him quit!" She knows she has a good shot of going home otherwise. But then Aras does some sort of freaky hypnosis on Shane. He calls him over and tells him, "You'll feel better once you eat something," and Shane starts to walk away but then Aras literally commands him to stop, and Shane does, and Aras says, "You know that thought was in your head." And then Aras calls a tribe meeting (Bobby's not around for it) and tells everyone that SHane wants to stay and just like that, Shane is suddenly agreeing with Aras, he DOES want to stay, he WILL feel better once he's has food and water! I imagine that's true of the six people on the tribe who HAVEN'T thrown a fit and attempted to quit, but it is after all, all about Shane. Aras then declares that it is now time to be open and honest about who's gonna get voted out, "For me, I want the tribe to be as physically strong as possible, so that means either you, Melinda, or you, Cirie--nothing personal, I just think you're fat and old. Please don't hate me, nobody hates me because I'm so handsome and athletic. Plus, I have POWERS." Courtney gets emotional and upset--she clearly hates the conflict (bad vibes, man) but she's also bend that Aras would make the decision to do this without consulting anyone else--she clearly doesn't realize how royalty WORKS. Neither Melinda nor Cirie know what to say, they knew they were probably doomed, but Prince Aras is being so arrogant here, I think they're in shock. See, this is why you blindside someone. Aras is patting himself on the back for being above board and oh so honest, but what he's really being is arrogant and hurtful. See, in Survivor, being backstabbed is a sign of respect--it implies you're dangerous, even if you're not. Being upfront about it is actually telling someone to their face that they mean nothing, have no value, and have no power.

Oh, and may I add that it is WAY too early in this game to be showing all your cards? I mean, they've already switched up 6 days in, and they don't know if another tribe mix-up is coming but I'd vote on yes, because Jeff keeps going on and on about how this SUrvivor is all ABOUT not being able to rely on same-old same-old tribe dynamics because of Exile Island--and yeah, Exile Island could come into play too. By doing this, Aras is just creating enemies--remember Africa? No T-Bird and Frank had no chance of winning, but they were given the chance to get Silas out of the game, and it was LIKE winning. Aras and Shane have no way of knowing that a chance like isn't coming for them and in fact, they SHOULD be anticipating it. Oh yeah, Shane get in on it too, HE'S actually miffed that Aras is pretending that it's only HIS choice to get rid of either Melinda or Cirie, so Shane chimes in to be "honest" and informs the outsiders that he, Aras, Danielle and Courtney are a foursome, "Obviously an arangement has been made, and I don't really care which one of you goes but whoever doesn't go now is going next." Says the QUITTER. Courtney and Danielle are now exposed and unhappy about that, "You don't, like, tell everyone what's, like, going on!" Courtney wisely insists, then not so wisely, she continues, "If this instability, like, continues, it's hard to, like, believe that we'll really like, be able to, like, depend on him." Um, yeah, DUH! It's like that scene in "The Empire Strikes Back" where C-3PO tells Han Solo that the astroid they've landed on may not be completely stable and Han Solo is all, "Um, yeah, DUH!" The group prepares to go to Tribal Council and Cirie and Melinda both think it's gonna be them. Danielle comes by and tearfully hugs both of them, "I feel awful about this!" I hope she eventually wises up and walks away from the dark side, but for now, my jury on Danielle is out. Melinda doesn't think there's much she could've done, because she simply wasn't New Age Nutbar enough (read: LA enough) to fit in with these jokers. Shane insists that there's still a chance that his wrecked brain may betray him--oh, just shut up, Shane!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Bruce is led in, looking no worse for wear and not seeming to suffer from the Misty-affliction. Shane tries to wink at him, but he's one of those people who can't do it, so he just blinks at him--maybe he thinks he's Genie and he's trying to turn Bruce into the big sandwich he so desperately needs. And I gotta say, Jeff REALLY lets me down with Shane, he doesn't grill him, he doesn't rake him over the coals for being a quitter and a jerk, nor does he try to intice him into quitting with a carton of cigarettes. He doesn't even point out how arrogant it is for Aras and Shane to be so open about their chain of command, but I'm hoping that's becasue Jeff knows what's ahead and wants them blindsided. Anyway, Shane insists that the last 6 days he's spent on one of the biggest shows in television history has ben, "THe worst thing that has EVER happened to me." Yeah, I know, most of us would have said it was the death of a friend or family member, or maybe a bankrupcy or an assault, but for Shane, it's 6 days of televised seperation from Quiznos and his ipod and his blackberry and his nicotine and his laptop and his tivo. Oh, and his kid. Then he goes on about how he smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years and this was a bad-idea detox, me me me, Shane Shane Shane. Melinda points out that neither she nor Cirie have been weak links during challenges and that she thinks its unfair and dumb to get rid of someone like her who works hard instead of someone who wants to quit. Cirie then frets that her family will be disappointed in her, and cries--I think she was working it a little, and it works. She and Melinda both vote for Shane, but Melinda gets 5 votes from the Danille and the Evil Californians. Melinda tells Cirie to take care and in her exit speech, is fine with the fact that she wasn't flaky enough to fit in. Bruce is wlecomed to the tribe and everyone's all smiles, though it's hard to imagine why since he's just been added to the minority population on Caseya Island--hey isn't that interesting? Now that Melinda's gone, it's the white people versus the rest. I'm sure it's a TOTAL coincidence...

Melinda finishes in 15th place and is maybe the most interesting person to do so. In season One, the guy begging to be voted out was crusty old B.B., but he got his wish. In AUstralia, smug Kel was accused by Jerri of smuggling beef jerky and in Africa, Jessie was supposed to be Survivor's J-Lo, but her constant vomiting was more like J-Blo. In the Marquesas, Patricia insisted on being called "mom," and her bossiness caused the kiddies to give her the heave-ho while in Thailand, another pretty puker was cast aside when Tanya went home. In the Amazon, Janet took the fall for the power bar wrapper that was found in camp and in the Pearl Islands, Skinny Ryan was dispatched for being too skinny. Really, I think that's why. In Vanuatu, mouthy Mia was blindsided and put out of our misery, in Palau, we lost bland schemer Kim (faker Jeff's psuedo girlfriend? I know, you don't remember her, that's why I'm here) and last season, farm girl Brooke was booted for being perceived as brainy and dangerous. Hey, if you've gotta get voted out, at least it's a flattering one...

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Melinda loves American Idol, which is interesting because she has worked as a singer at several amusemnet parks and on a cruise ship, which Simon is always bagging on. While sining at Dollywood, Melinda performed with the legendary Dolly Parton herself, which RULES.

Next Time: Is it too much to ask that Shane's tribe mates will cancel the "Shane Show" this early? Probably, meaning Cirie (or Bruce, but I think the situation with Cirie is more awkward) is a dead duck. On the other tribe, I'm gonna guess that the young dudes follow their hormones and evict Dan, despite Sally's losing the spear. Though where's Ruth Marie in all this? Is she a potential swing vote, or is she non-aligned, and thus an easy vote-out for everyone else? Tell you what, the Golden Girls are having a rough time of it...

Peace! :D

Christine